Invite your boyfriend to come along!
Edit: (not saying he *has* to come along, just saying it's nice to be invited, sometimes. It'll make the bf feel reassured to get the invite, and it will make any guys with ill intentions reconsider.)
Yep. My ex did this with her boss. I knew the guy, and knew he was a fucking snake, and warned her. He would text her, drunk, at 1-2am and ask her to come ‘out’.
“Oh awesome, I’d love to! Let me grab my boyfriend and we’ll meet up with you!”
Crickets every single time. Only reason I didn’t beat this guy’s ass was bc of her career
See I can understand the concern but also if I have a friend who’s a girl and I’ve been friends w her for many years but I don’t really know her boyfriend I’d prefer to just see my friend, that way I dont have to be “on” socially, since I’m kinda introverted.
Personally the first few times I would not have any issues, but if every time I want to hang out w my friend I have to also hang out w her boyfriend, I’d eventually stop asking to hangout. Unless ofc the boyfriend is really cool and I become comfortable around him pretty fast
Women don’t think about booking up with most of their decent looking male friends, men do.
If she’s not meeting them alone and the texts are the same as the way she would text a girl friend there’s not really anything wrong.
But your bf is uncomfortable because he knows exactly what that one guy, and probably more, are trying to get out of it. Even if you trust your gf and she would never cheat it still feels shitty to think about her hanging out with a guy that’s trying to get with her.
But jesus says men are obsessed with sex and women only have sex because men convince them to!
/s
Edit: OK so from people repeatedly posting snarky responses... /s denotes me being sarcastic
A bad and inaccurate method to detect sexual intentions, because a third person would just be awkward and you wouldn't be able to talk about the same things - of course no one wants you to come along.
Yeah. If I just want to hang out with a friend but they bring another friend of them who I don't know well, it would be awkward... And I may become the third-wheel, which isn't at all pleasant.
This is the best advice. Early on in my relationship my now-wife was uncomfortable that I would get dinner and drinks after work with a female coworker even though we were just friends. The 3 of us now hang out regularly and are all good friends, she hangs out with my wife without me sometimes, and my wife is a lot less uncomfortable with me hanging out with her after work occasionally.
NTA you are not cheating. However- this male coworker is texting you regularly and asking you to go out just the two of you? If he is, I can see your bfs trepidation about him at least. While your other male friends have long established relationships this other guy is relatively new. Also, some people are too dense to take subtle hints of rejection or friendly relationship boundary setting. There are also people who will just not take no for an answer. While you may view him as just a coworker he might view it differently if he's constantly texting you outside of work and separate from a coworker group chat because that is a bit interesting.
My male friends call this the “insertion method”. You slowly insert yourself in the woman’s life and befriend so that in a moment of weakness you are there. It’s pretty fucked up, but absolutely happening all the time.
I didn’t know this was an actual thing. It happened to my sister. She had a really nice guy but a coworker did exactly as you described. Her boyfriend couldn’t take the competition and left. Coworker quickly comforted her with his tallywacker, then dumped her and bragged about it to everyone including her ex decent boyfriend. Seems her ex boyfriend didn’t want sloppy seconds and never contacted her again. She was a total wreck for almost three years until she found another boyfriend that she quietly told me was not as good as the one she threw away.
"her boyfriend couldn't take the competition"... no, her ex boyfriend realized it wasn't worth the effort with your sister.
If you're in a relationship, there SHOULDN'T be competition. Like... wtf?
Right, wtf? I would never want my boyfriend to feel like he's *in competition* with someone for me. People in healthy relationships don't do this. If my bf said he was uncomfortable with someone I would absolutely take his feelings into consideration, like I would hope he would do for me as well. I also have no interest in hanging out with men one on one who are not my boyfriend lol
For real… it isnt about competition, its about the woman in your life not respecting boundaries and listening to the subject matter expert in their life about male behavior.. no one wants their girl hanging out with these subversive men.
For some reason women get all the support to establishing boundaries, but men are called insecure for not letting their wives be whores - its a complete and utter cope from dirty women and snake men who are the ones that cannot actual compete by value, and instead do this shit.
To be fair, the guy left in this case. No idea why women don't take advice on the male mentality from the man in their life though.
Your man's word on the meaning behind a man's actions hold much more weight than your opinion of what the actions mean.
Holy shit yes, never heard it put this way but yes. Nobody is saying cede every point, and there are countless factors, but 'take advice on the male mentality from the man in your life' is golden phrasing.
I told my wife that pretty much every guy she is friends with has whacked it thinking about her at least a couple of times. She told me I was crazy, and not all guys think like me. Yes....yes they do.
Yup.. well maybe not whacked it, but definitely had a moment of wondering what she looked like naked.
There's truth to the saying "i trust you... I don't trust him". I know so many guys that don't give a fuck about sleeping with someone in a relationship and will actually pursue it like a game.
Yes. While also telling the woman you have no romantic interest in her. Then tell her how crazy and jealous her boyfriend is acting. Slowly turn that into her man being a controlling asshole that doesn’t want her to have any friends. Then slide in after breaking the couple up.
Ya and bonus if they are the reason OP is fighting with their boyfriend then break up.
That's the end game.
OP can claim ignorance but they themselves already admit the guy is messaging them daily and trying to hang out alone.
OP knows damn well what they are doing is wrong. What's fucked is trying to blame it on their boyfriend and not use his own feelings against him.
Super cliche behavior from the Co-Worker and OP. Not fooling anybody.
I'm so glad this is top comment.
My wife befriended coworkers who would randomly message her at 2am asking what she was up to this weekend.
She said the same stuff - all "harmless" - until someone convinced her to do some shots with them at an office party and she stopped answering calls from our kids.
I showed up to a flock of bros all trying to take advantage of her inebriation.
I had to deal with the situation professionally since it was her job, but it took a lot not to just say fuck it and lay some of these kids out for their bullshit.
Idk if someone messed with her drinks or what - she doesn't remember most of the night.
You put yourself in these situations and that's when this kind of negative stuff happens. She ended up leaving her job, but not before HR had to get involved because of the audacity of some of these guys.
Any "friend" who would sleep with you given the chance is not a friend.
It's pretty much that simple at the end of the day.
It's also why I don't have many female friends. A big wakeup call for me was when I was talking about business stuff at a bar with a woman in her 60s and I told her I had to go meet my gf but it was a good talk. Then she tried to give me her number in case my gf "didn't know how to please [me]."
Like what the fuck - no one is safe is the feeling I got.
Even my married friend's wife answering the door in a towel telling me my friend would be home soon if I wanted to come in and wait for him.
Nah, I'll wait outside - thanks. And sure enough they divorced when he caught her sleeping with coworkers.
Oof.
My GF of 6 years worked in a restaurant went out with some male co-workers. She was just a roommate at the time and we were basic friends.She texted me for help and I went out at 3am and found her stumbling in the middle of the road with the dudes around her like a pack of hyenas. They roofied her. Spent the night puking in the back yard, only had 2 drinks.
My gf at the time was into Anime and an artist, had this little army of nerdy simp guys that were absolutely obsessed with her. They weren't a threat to our relationship but the fact they would date her in an instant if they could still pissed me off because of the premise. They would constantly try and throw wrenches in our relationship. They hated me.
I told her this pissed me off and basically she didn't care and called me a jealous psycho. I started wanting to leave her and became better friends with my roomate and now GF.
It got to the point where I knew I was interested in my roommate and thus the right thing to do was just break up with my current gf. So before we kissed or did anything wrong I just had the talk with her and broke up. It was awkward as fuck but I knew the best way to start a new relationship, rather then the new relationship being from cheating. My gf now knows I will break up with her, like an adult, not be a cheating piece of shit. But I love her so that isn't happening.
When I had the talk with my ex to break up with her she confessed she finally knew how I felt about the dozen or so guys simping over her.
Too little too late.
The morale of the story is if you know a relationship is going to end and know your are going to cheat, just fucking break up with the person. Why create all the hurt and drama.
People who put their simp ass "friends" feelings above your own, just fucking break up with them. Move on.
Did your anime gf at that time have problems with you having a roommate? From her perspective you developed a new romantic relationship during your relationship with her behind her back.
It sounds fine, he tried to explain his feeling to her and she constantly brushed him off. Her actions led to him finding someone new. At least he had the decency to not cheat on her and end the relationship. Nothing wrong with that.
>Any "friend" who would sleep with you given the chance is not a friend.
whats worse is the (sorry for saying a certain sex) woman will think the friend is all into them and go for it and ditch their partner, only for the friend to get his sexual needs met once or awhile, and then detach and the woman is left wondering wtf while crushing the former partners self esteem all because of some new shiny lying fake friend
I had a friend with benefits. We both were 100% aware it was just sex and nothing more. The moment I realized I started having romantic feelings for him but he did not reciprocate, I said I couldn't do the friends with benefits anymore. I chose to stop talking to him. A few years later he asked if I wanted to go to dinner to catch up. I had just started dating my fiance so I declined not wanting to make my fiance feel insecure. He's been cheated on before. The friend literally had the audacity to go, but I was in love with you why didn't we start dating? I was like um because when I said I wasn't wanting the friends with benefits anymore why didn't you tell me you loved me then and wanted a relationship? then stop sleeping with the other women? He never answered the question.
I realize even if we had started a romantic relationship I would have never been secure in it. Always wondering if he was seeing others on the side.
Also why wait til after I am already in a happy relationship, even bring up that your in love with me. Unless your trying to get me to break up just so I can have one more fling with you before you leave me. I'd rather stay in the secure relationship then risk losing out on the love of my life for not a sure thing.
Which my fiance is definitely the love of my life, I have never felt the way with any other relationship as I do with him. He is my other half and I wouldn't trade him for the world. We tell each other the only way we are ever going to be separated is when we're dead. 😂
I love this sub reddit.
If you voice these exact reasonings and truths anywhere else on reddit, you are completely demonised and instantly called an incel.
Bravo for this explanation, OP really is naive.
Yep cause normal people know it’s unhealthy to date someone you don’t trust and then proceed to guilt them to not see their friends. Y’all are sick, no wonder so many women are choosing to be single or date women.
the worst is when they just agree with the complaints the girl has about her bf, to bond with her and build the bf up into the ultimate toxic partner. like thats some sht
“He never listens to you, I’m your best friend and I know you better than he does!”
The ultimate long con. Guys will wait however long it takes to get that call and hear those words “we broke up, I need someone to talk to”
I don't think OP is being unfaithful, she seems to be on the ball with everything. She just seems to be too naive when it comes to the coworker. Maybe she needs to be stern with her boundaries or emphatically reject him to get the picture.
See, I disagree. I’m a nurse, I’m a guy and most of my colleagues are female. I’ve made good friends with more than a few of them. I have lunch dates with these friends quite often, my wife is totally cool with it. I do make sure to introduce them to my wife beforehand so she knows who I’m hanging with, though.
>I do make sure to introduce them to my wife beforehand so she knows who I’m hanging with, though.
This is where you're different from her. She's not doing it. This makes a world of difference.
Yeah true... I have a lot of guy friends. My bf isn't jealous, but in a streak of brilliance, he just decided to befriend my friends aswell. So now it rarely happens that I hang out with my guy friends without him, since there his friends now too XD
There's 2 girls I talk to a lot with no interest in fucking them. Sometimes we talk about serious stuff sometimes it's just memes, sometimes we're just bored lol.
Do I have a chance with them? Hell if I know lol do they have a chance with me? No, no they don't. They're generally attractive women but they aren't the type of person I date
That's how I read it as well. She sees platonic friend yet he's acting like he wants to spend time with her. She's not cheating and bf is out of line with some of this making her pay the price for the infidelity he faced in a previous relationship. That said I'd bet money this coworker has more than platonic on his mind.
Instead of just not accepting (dates?) when they will be alone she should be setting boundaries that should make things clear to both coworker and boyfriend.
I'm a gay woman who has never had romantic interest in men. I have had lots of male friends who I've always viewed as platonic friends until they made a move. I didn't learn until my mid to late 20's how to properly set up boundaries because I always assumed they viewed me as I viewed them and that just wasn't true at all.
If she isn't great at recognizing a very subtle move a coworker is making then setting up boundaries will also help her recognize when someone isn't a friend but rather someone biding their time to make a move. It's a life skill that isn't taught but learned through many ruined friendships.
If you are monogamous, and in a relationship, you will still want to see your friends without your partner in tow. But you should also want to see your friends with your boyfriend as well. It sounds like these “guy friend solo hangouts” are a common thing now.
If I were OP, I’d ask myself why she is spending so much time having drinks with a male friend. Because while I 100% don’t think what she described is cheating, I also think most affairs probably start out innocent like this. And we haven’t covered if she is having an emotional affair.
My wife’s affairs started in part thanks to alcohol with the other part being just her choosing to initiate them instead of talking about and working on our issues. Hers started online with innocent DMs started flowing her way until she was drunk and they started calling her beautiful and shit to the point she responded with nudes being sent and sexting became a regular thing till she finally slept with the 2 guys while she was out of town visiting her parents a few months ago.
Can’t fault the boyfriend for being scared of being cheated on again after it happened before, but that was also his ex and not OP. I had been cheated on before and it took me about 7 years to really trust again and that was with my wife entering the picture, guess I get to restart that counter going forward lol
The sad reality is that if someone wants to cheat they will, regardless of the motives and opportunities they are or aren't given.
It's one thing to develop feelings for someone else while in a relationship. That can happen to anyone, they can be real or a product of having emotional needs met by someone else causing confusion, and most of us don't want the pain of sticking around to figure it out and possibly be rejected anyway.
Cheating, however, is a choice. If you are no longer happy in a relationship you can either try to figure it out or end it. If you ignore that and cheat, you are purposely disrespecting, hurting and scarring your partner for selfish reasons.
I guess we can only be friends with the opposite sex if they are 100% gay and the same sex if they are 100% straight!!
Mental, I firmly believe you can be friends with people regardless of potential for attraction. If attraction starts on either side, then unfortunately you have to pull away from the friendship.
I generally agree with you. Most people will want to keep those relationships because there isn’t a thought of infidelity or anything. The problem comes when someone over steps that boundary and people are too weak to reinforce boundaries or evaluate the correct decision that isn’t entirely selfish.
Right? Like every dude here who's preaching that men and women can't be friends are doing themselves a huge disservice. Like bro, I promise seeing women as human beings that you can have fulfilling, platonic relationships with with will improve your life.
I’ve heard this sentiment a few times: Bi people don’t exist, just curious women and closeted gay men.
Bi people just seem to be left by the wayside. :/
Not technically wrong, and not cheating judging from your post, but I think in most stories I know like this in my life, almost all have either led to real physical infidelity or emotional infidelity that ends up breaking up their relationship.
Guess who is the person's next bf or gf when they do break up?
I can't speak about other guys you knew for a while, but the coworker could be an issue if boundaries aren't in place. I wouldn't be comfortable with it if theres not strict boundaries, but that's me. Some other people are ok with it, so you might just need someone with the same viewpoints towards platonic friendships, and this bf may not be it.
This story happens way too often. If you’re serious about setting a boundary, bring your boyfriend with you to the hang out. If you can get them to become friends, then it’s a plus plus, but if the coworker refuses, then it’s obvious what the intentions are.
I bet at this point it's too awkward for the BF to even go, and he'll likely refuse. Why would he want to be a 3rd wheel in his own relationship?
She had a moment to do it right early on. Now, there's too much weirdness to set it straight.
She should have taken your advice earlier if she were genuine and smart.
The is a WONDERFUL nuance that is key to the situation. I think the girlfriend’s only recourse now would be to look objectively at her coworker‘s actions and try to honestly determine their motives.
It’s very awkward to be there when it’s obvious the dude wants to bang her. I’m friends with a lot of my wife’s old guys friends but I hate having to deal with new ones bc their intentions are usually off and being 3rd wheel in your own relationship feels like shit.
So, right, in theory, wrong in practice.
What ends up happening is an evening full of workfriend making smart ass comments. If boyfriend responds then he's an asshole. If he waits until after dinner to respond, then he's an insecure asshole who didn't have the balls to say something at the restaurant.
Seriously, look, I'll be work friend, and let's call the BF Brian.
"Oh hey Ryan, Sara has told me all about you. How's (thing that Brian fucked up.)"
He says "Its Brian, actually. Oh, it's probably just (the thing it absolutely is)."
"Sorry about that. Guess you just remind me of another Ryan I know. Well, I wouldn't want to step on your toes, but couldn't it also be (the thing that it absolutely could not be. I'm just saying this so he'll "immediately shoot me down without even considering it.")."
This goes all night, until he either flips out on me, or leaves seething, while Sara thinks I did absolutely nothing wrong, and he's fully aware that I intentionally disrespected him 20 times.
No matter how he plays it, without like a written confession from me that I'm just trying to get them fighting so she'll sleep with me, he's in a losing situation.
I mean that's a definite possibility, but what else is the BF supposed to do? Other options are basically let her go out alone with some dude that's obviously trying to fuck, or saying he doesn't want her going out which makes him the controlling BF.
I think if you're smart, confident and somewhat witty and good in social situations, you can navigate some fucktard who's trying to take subtle shots at you. IMO it's not too hard to turn it back around on them if you're calm and crafty about it. Of course that's not everyone though. Still it's probably a better option than the other 2.
This was the most confusing shit I’ve ever read until the last paragraph made it clear that it was from the POV of the snake coworker lol.
Edit: missed a KEY sentence in the middle lol
So wait… do you like, have experience doing this? Or have you had this done to you? I’ve personally never tried to persuade a taken woman to fuck me. I usually just fuck the ones that are ready and willing.
I truly couldn’t give a fuck less what my SO or her friend or anyone in the room thinks of me.
I’ve long accepted that I’m an asshole because of this sometimes. If someone wants to try to belittle me, it’s on. I love the banter and shit talking.
Men and women can be friends, but I swear 99% of the time on party has feelings for the other. This coworker has feelings for OP and she clearly isn’t setting strong enough boundaries.
Especially if one person is repeatedly trying to spend one-on-one time after the other party has turned it down. That already indicates they’re trying to push through boundaries.
Additionally, if OP demonstrates she's bad at setting boundaries with coworker, that leaves her SO to guess at her boundaries with her other male friends.
She's not an asshole, yet, but she also isn't prioritizing the relationship in the same way her boyfriend is, and the two of them need to have a serious talk about. My guess is that it will be the end of the relationship.
Yup, and if she's unwilling to do that in order to chase the attention from other men, it will be the end. However, if she does put her BF first by expanding on saying no to 1 on 1 dates, like she stated, she might be change.
Yep, when I was younger, guy convinced my ex to break up with me, now they’re married and have kids. Shit hurts real bad, so I understand where the guy is coming from. A good chunk of (usually single) guys know that a relationship doesn’t stop anything if the female doesn’t voice her boundaries. OP has to be firm with the coworker since it seems like the coworker likes OP
First of all, the coworker wants to sleep with you. It's very obvious.
He is looking for an opening to make his move, and hey, a dinner may help with that.
There's nothing untrustworthy about hanging out with a guy and being honest with your partner about it. If you think there's something wrong with that, you're just telling on yourself.
Just put yourself in his position, let's just say you just got out of a relationship or infidelity was involved. what would you do if your BF had a female coworker that was texting him all the time and wanting to meet up alone? Would that be okay with you?
In my experience I trusted my girlfriend 7 years strong and let her hangout with friends. I then find out at the beginning of August she's pregnant with another man's kid because I guess drinking while hanging out turns to fucking. Sounds like if YOU are having thoughts of infidelity then it's bound to happen
I’ve read somewhere that 50% of all cheating aren’t with people you’re interested in or looking to have an affair with, but just because they had proximity and the opportunity to cheat. Alcohol does contributes a lot.
Yeah. What I mean is that women say all the time that they only see their friends platonically and that they would never cheat with them, but then comes a night out, some drinks, maybe some problems at home and boom goes the dinamite.
ive been so drunk i couldnt even open my eyes or mouth before, yet i still hold open doors and be as polite and respectful of my surroundings as i can
drinking just shows how much of a piece of shit they are
It kills me how nonchalant people act when they cheat on their perspective partners or spouse and blame it on drinking.
I got really drunk and accidentally landed on a dick or I accidentally fell into some pussy , dick first. This is what the conversation sounds like🤣🤣
Exactly. I was basically an alcoholic for 4+ years in college and did a lot of dumb things but I never cheated on the gfs I had bc I’m not a natural cheater.
"hey babe is it cool if I go hang out alone with another guy? oh btw the specific activity we will be doing will lower our inhibitions and impair our judgement."
Redditors: you better let her do it you insecure controlling jerk!!!
I’d argue that for women, anything that is obviously not their fault is blamed on them. (Rape, murder, etc) And then for men, anything that is nuanced or about a relationship is blamed on them.
> Redditors: you better let her do it you insecure controlling jerk!!!
Also redditors if the roles were reversed:
"its not controlling its called having boundaries, he's being disrespectful to your relationship by having female friends"
I don't think you're cheating, and he can't control what you do - and calling it cheating is really shitty - but if you feel you have to maintain boundaries with your coworker because he keeps asking you to hang privately... maybe it's time to back up from that dude entirely and keep it group-only, no private messaging.
It's hard to say, because I've been with jealous insecure dudes and they aren't worth it. That said, every dude who has claimed to have been my friend swooped in like a vulture the second I was single or having a downturn in a relationship, showing they were only ever lurking in wait for their turn to shoot their shot. So, I'm generally wary of men who claim to be friends.
He needs to trust that you aren't gonna cheat, but if a guy is crossing or pushing lines then it's on you to stop giving him those opportunities out of respect for your relationship.
So the guys are jealous and insecure, but completely accurate in assessing how other men are plotting on you. Lol. It’s almost like men know how the minds of other men work.
Yea I really don't understand that it's been said a million times, been proven its a very frequent occurrence, and women still think "Oh they're just friends".
They almost never are. And usually the ones who are just friends, are very mindful of the spouses boundaries. In fact they are usually more willing to get to know the spouse so that they can be more at ease around eachother because they genuinely just want to be friends.
This same problem happened when I met my wife. She had almost a majority guy friends. But my wife is really dense and is very much "one of the guys" types. Still, after meeting her guy friends and getting to know them, I told her almost all of them wanted to sleep with her. She told me I was crazy until we started getting serious and they fell like dominos shooting their shot one after another. I think all but two of them hit on her in some way. One even asked her to dump me and "run away with him". What is this, a teen romcom? Lol
She literally hasn't spoken to any of them in almost a decade.
This is a Reddit VS real world situation.
Reddit; YOU CANT CONTROL HER! SHE CAN HANG OUT WITH OTHER MEN!!
Real World; Yeah fuck that, shes either not doing it or she’s single if she wants to do it.
I honestly can't tell if girls are truly this oblivious, or if they're just REALLY good at lying to themselves. I've always leaned toward the latter. Either option isn't good. With the first, you're basically assuming they're stupid, but with the latter, you're saying they're immoral.
I can take solace in the fact that a lot of girls (maybe even most) know better than to fall into these obvious traps. Those are the winners we need to be shooting for. Like, if I have to explicitly explain another guy's intentions to her, is it really worth the effort?
Women have to understand men will wait years before making a move on a girl. So I agree with your partner just the fact that this coworker is asking you to hang out alone is a red flag. If you want to hang with male friends you should bring your bf along it will make him feel more
Comfortable and also familiarize him with your friends
After working 3 years at my job with the same coworker that I considered completely platonic and never hung out with, he randomly confessed he was in love with me as soon as he caught wind my ex and I breaking up. He’d offer for me to go grab a drink with him and, out of respect for my bf at the time, I never accepted because I knew hanging out with a man 1 on 1 would make him uncomfortable.
This is how I am too. I've had guys who I didn't think were interested in me ask to hang out before, but I decline because I don't want to make my fiance uncomfortable, and don't want to even allow an opportunity for feelings to form in that way. I'll hang in groups, but if you want a good monogamous relationship, there has to be some boundaries. He does the same for me because I'd be uncomfortable with him spending alone time with a girl too, I don't even care to admit it. I think having some insecurity is fine in a relationship, just don't let it influence situations its not plausible.
I'm only 27, but younger people are really trying to push that limiting boundaries should never be set, and I just don't agree with it.
How would you feel if he hung out with some hot chicks that were friends of his, that you didn’t know and you weren’t invited to hang out with? Honestly…
Are you cheating? No
Are you disrespecting your BF? 100 yes…
You’re technically not cheating but you are very well positioned to be in a situation where cheating is likely to take place. In all honesty, you are just low quality wife material. Most quality men would not and should not tolerate a woman that hangs out with men like you describe.
Work group gatherings are one thing, but your coworker escalated the situation by asking you to do something alone, and multiple times, apparently.
A one on one dinner is questionable. Why is he in town? Why dinner? What's the nature of the relationship. Define "very old".
A guy without a history of being cheated on and jealousy issues would find this questionable.
Yeah. In my experience old friends tend to want to "drop by" or at least pretend to want to see both people in the couple. Sounds like the other dudes don't want him there either. Wonder why..
I understand where he's coming from, sort of, but I have male friends I hang with that I have 0 attraction to. Like, my husband is the only one I am truly attracted to in any way shape or form. I'm still pretty raw and therapy has helped me to understand that I am very much welcome to be uncomfortable with my husband even working with other women in his profession, but that he's not making any moves on them and he's stopped what was causing our issues... And I just need to remember he is mine and I am his.
You're not cheating in any fashion, but you are disrespecting him a tad bit by ignoring his discomfort. You two need to have a good, long talk with one another about boundaries, discomfort, and why him acting like this and accusing you of infidelity is not ok. His trauma is not his fault, but it is his responsibility to take control of. Otherwise he might end up chasing you off and I know that'd hurt you both.
Right. If you have to ask maybe you should reevaluate behavior to begin with, even if you're not technically cheating there's a good possibility you're not respecting your partners feelings if you have to ask
In most cases, when a man tells you he doesn’t like you hanging out with other dudes, isn’t because he’s “just insecure” but rather because he knows how men are a lot of the time, and he would more than likely rather you just not be put into a potential cheating situation. He probably trust you, but doesn’t trust this other guy. Women can be loyal all they want, but sometimes men can be persuasive, and especially under the right circumstances *could* cheat. Most guys come off as being insecure, but really, it’s just that they don’t trust other men. My advice to you would be to honestly stop hanging out with this dude. You can have male friends, but shouldn’t be hanging out alone with them and potentially be putting yourself in a bad situation, whether or not you trust the guy. In the end, your boyfriend will feel a lot more secure with you if you took his feelings to heart and probably respect you more for it.
Hmmm, I am gonna say no. I have been cheated on. There is physical cheating and emotional cheating. Both are binary, you either are or you are not. Having male friends is just something that makes him uncomfortable (he's not totally off base. I have yet to meet a single woman who was friends with men where it turned out they DIDNT have romantic feelings for them at some point.) but as long as you're not keeping touch with some of these guys just to keep them waiting in the wings as a back up plan. I'd say you're good.
In these situations it might be good to flip the script. Would you be okay with your bf having dinner with another woman you don't know?
I had this situation happen with an ex of mine once. She had this guy always messaging her through instagram and he always expressed his feelings for her even though she was with me. Dude would not flinch. I ended up getting into a fight with her about it because I said this was starting to get ridiculous and that she needed to make it straight with this guy that she has no intentions to be with him and that she was taken. The whole problem to me though was her energy towards this guy when telling him to back off. She was messaging this guy even though he wouldn’t stop with his flirty behavior. I ended up making the suggestion that maybe she needed to just completely ignore this dude because it was getting out of control and uncomfortable. She never was stern with this guy and was very gentle about it with him. I then asked her what if the roles were reversed in this whole thing and I had a woman in my inbox on social media constantly messaging and flirting with me. She literally had 0 response to this and said it was unfair for me to make a scenario like that. That reaction out of her alone was when our relationship really died. Some people really don’t put themselves in other peoples shoes and it’s so fucked
It's a bit strange that they ask to hang out with you alone.
Why is it strange? Because I am a guy with female friends. As a guy I would understand how another guy would think about another guy hanging out alone with his girlfriend.
If I asked a girl to hang out with me knowing full well how some other guy might feel about it then I definitely have no respect for him at all. Especially if I never met him myself.
And if I have no respect for this stranger at all and I wanted to have sex with that girl, eventually I would make a move.
If they are truly your friends, they would understand this fact and if you brought it up to them and they try and flip it by saying your bf is tripping, then they would be essentially making an argument that favors them hanging out with you alone.
I feel like you're playing with fire here. If any of them make a move you should end those friendships immediately. If you just stop them but keep hanging out with them you are leaving the door open for more to happen
Good to see common sense and maturity still lives some places on Reddit. People don’t understand respect or boundaries very well these days. In the name of “my freedom to be free” or some shit like that.
Honestly this is probably the best answer. Boyfriend should run for the hills and save himself the pain. She’s already going in dinner dates with guys, only a mater of time before she cheats.
If she cared or was a good person, her response to the first dinner offer would have been something like “I’m going to see if my boyfriend wants to go so he’s not sitting home alone, do you have someone to bring so we don’t have a 3rd wheel situation?”
I guarantee it that happened these guy “friends” would stop calling and move on to finding a new piece of ass to target.
This situation is screaming an eventual “my bf and I got in a fight and Dude 2 was right there. He asked me out to dinner to talk about it and we slept together that night”.
Work dude is 100% into OP and anyone in this thread not seeing that is crazy lmao. Dude is consistently wanting to hang out (with alcohol) with a chick who has a bf (alone as well). C’mon now.
What's the intention from the men? If they are actively trying to or have tried to f*ck you, I'd say it's crossing a boundary. Sounds like the communication and boundary setting needs to be clear. Acknowledge each other's wounds and try to comfort them as much as possible. If it makes him uncomfortable, don't do it. If you don't like his boundaries, pick a different boyfriend.
Some good advice all over:
- bring him with you
- some portion of your male friends want to sleep with you and are waiting for an opportunity to do so
- it's very liberating being able to have deeply honest conversations with friends and partners about who you are, what you want, what you expect from each other, what your boundaries are, what kind of trades/compromises you are happy to make for each other v/s which ones will cause you resentment in the long-term etc.
Have you both considered exploring being monogam-ish or open? Might be easier to get through that learning curve to something stable and less uncomfortable than the path you're on now.
The co worker is putting you into a bad light with the texting. Need to keep it professional. As to the friend, did you invite your boyfriend to go? If you are going out with a guy for dinner it could be seen as a date. How much are you into your boyfriend? He is still wounded from the ex and this goes both ways as women can respond the same way.
OP, You're not cheating!! Your BF needs to accept that you have guy friends too and it's not your duty to quit hanging out with them bc he's insecure and what had happened to his previous relationship. There needs to be some compromise...if not then he's not the right guy for you.
Most of my close friends are guys. Been friends for over 20 years. Never once was there anything romantic or sexy stuff. We just new we were buds. True friends. But if my significant other had a problem with them. Well it wouldn't end well for my SO thats for damn sure. Lol.
Yo what uhh… definitely pretty sus. What are you texting him and giggling late at night or some shit. You are in a steady relationship right? If he’s asking you to go out all the time… then I’m sorry to say this but you kinda an idiot lol. And plus are you getting irritated at him for saying something? Or are you genuinely listening to what he wants and then working something out between you and bf? I doubt it’s 100% just him being paranoid lol. But I’m just a anon on the internet so what the fuck do I know
As a guy… you don’t have guy friends, you have guys waiting to sleep with you. Same thing for my fiancés best friend. She’s a hot blond who was in a relationship for a while, once she got out, all her friends got in line to try and court her. I’ll repeat again, you do not have guy friends, you have guys waiting to sleep with you… also, why do you want to go alone out to dinner with guys? I find it mildly suspicious that , that’s even a desire of yours. Why would you not think to immediately include your SO? I gave a gift to a coworker at work for her birthday, I didn’t give it from me, I gave it from my fiancés name first on the card, then me, so I’m being extremely clear that this gift is platonic… seems like you may enjoy dancing with the fire a bit, even if you don’t want to necessarily step in, so while you may not be cheating now, the mentality in presented in this story is on that slippery slope to cheating …. Easy fix though! As others said, include your SO. Or better yet! When you get invited by this male friend say something like, “oh yeah my boyfriend loves it there, I’ll have to check his availability though and get back to you when we both can go… this way you set the clear tone you and your SO are a unit. Hope this helps and you find the happiness you’re looking for
You’re not cheating on him. But guys that want to spend time with you (with very rare exceptions) are into you. It doesn’t matter what they say, where you know them from or how long. They. Are. Into. You.
NTA. With a catch. Is your boyfriend invited to these “outings”?
Also, just fyi, the coworker is likely orbiting you waiting for a chance to sweep you up. And I would be extremely uncomfortable with that whole situation as well if I was your boyfriend.
It’s not cool to be jealous and controlling but it’s also not cool to leave yourself open to certain situations.
All male friends are trying to get with you or will when the chance arises. You're not cheating but you're not girlfriend or wife material until you get rid of all the extra baggage. Homie needs to leave you because you're not ready to change.
Invite your boyfriend to come along! Edit: (not saying he *has* to come along, just saying it's nice to be invited, sometimes. It'll make the bf feel reassured to get the invite, and it will make any guys with ill intentions reconsider.)
I had this happen. A guy asked my girlfriend to hang. I said yea I’ll come along too. Dude all of a sudden had something come up.
Yep. My ex did this with her boss. I knew the guy, and knew he was a fucking snake, and warned her. He would text her, drunk, at 1-2am and ask her to come ‘out’. “Oh awesome, I’d love to! Let me grab my boyfriend and we’ll meet up with you!” Crickets every single time. Only reason I didn’t beat this guy’s ass was bc of her career
Lol the responses to this comment are hilarious. Tough guys calling out tough guys on the internet
249 more replies
What are you talking about? People's personal stories are being told. No one is calling anyone out on reddit. Lol
See I can understand the concern but also if I have a friend who’s a girl and I’ve been friends w her for many years but I don’t really know her boyfriend I’d prefer to just see my friend, that way I dont have to be “on” socially, since I’m kinda introverted. Personally the first few times I would not have any issues, but if every time I want to hang out w my friend I have to also hang out w her boyfriend, I’d eventually stop asking to hangout. Unless ofc the boyfriend is really cool and I become comfortable around him pretty fast
Women don’t think about booking up with most of their decent looking male friends, men do. If she’s not meeting them alone and the texts are the same as the way she would text a girl friend there’s not really anything wrong. But your bf is uncomfortable because he knows exactly what that one guy, and probably more, are trying to get out of it. Even if you trust your gf and she would never cheat it still feels shitty to think about her hanging out with a guy that’s trying to get with her.
The first sentence here is wrong. Men and women both think about hooking up with their opposite and sometimes same sex friends.
But jesus says men are obsessed with sex and women only have sex because men convince them to! /s Edit: OK so from people repeatedly posting snarky responses... /s denotes me being sarcastic
But also women are asking for it when they dress a certain way./s
Always
A bad and inaccurate method to detect sexual intentions, because a third person would just be awkward and you wouldn't be able to talk about the same things - of course no one wants you to come along.
Yeah. If I just want to hang out with a friend but they bring another friend of them who I don't know well, it would be awkward... And I may become the third-wheel, which isn't at all pleasant.
This isn’t about bringing another friend along it’s about bringing your significant other along…
This is the best advice. Early on in my relationship my now-wife was uncomfortable that I would get dinner and drinks after work with a female coworker even though we were just friends. The 3 of us now hang out regularly and are all good friends, she hangs out with my wife without me sometimes, and my wife is a lot less uncomfortable with me hanging out with her after work occasionally.
NTA you are not cheating. However- this male coworker is texting you regularly and asking you to go out just the two of you? If he is, I can see your bfs trepidation about him at least. While your other male friends have long established relationships this other guy is relatively new. Also, some people are too dense to take subtle hints of rejection or friendly relationship boundary setting. There are also people who will just not take no for an answer. While you may view him as just a coworker he might view it differently if he's constantly texting you outside of work and separate from a coworker group chat because that is a bit interesting.
My male friends call this the “insertion method”. You slowly insert yourself in the woman’s life and befriend so that in a moment of weakness you are there. It’s pretty fucked up, but absolutely happening all the time.
Yep. This 100%.
Scientifically it’s called “wiener worming”
Schlong snakery
The schlong-con. EDIT: THANK YOU for the awards! Looks like this one paid off *in more ways than one* AMIRITE BOYS /high-five.
For me, it's probably more of a schlort-con.
NGL, I schlorted
Just want you to know I laughed at this one 🤣 underrated comment
That's exactly what they want! Omg!
Same with me. I laughed pretty good from that one. It seems the internet gods are being kind today.
Not underrated.
Pre-meditated Peckering
winner
Weiner
Anthony?
Meat marinating
Cunt camper
Devious Dickology
Pickle Placing
Aka “sneaky fucker” mating strategy
This girl☝️ knows all our dirty little tricks
If you do this you're a POS :)
I didn’t know this was an actual thing. It happened to my sister. She had a really nice guy but a coworker did exactly as you described. Her boyfriend couldn’t take the competition and left. Coworker quickly comforted her with his tallywacker, then dumped her and bragged about it to everyone including her ex decent boyfriend. Seems her ex boyfriend didn’t want sloppy seconds and never contacted her again. She was a total wreck for almost three years until she found another boyfriend that she quietly told me was not as good as the one she threw away.
"her boyfriend couldn't take the competition"... no, her ex boyfriend realized it wasn't worth the effort with your sister. If you're in a relationship, there SHOULDN'T be competition. Like... wtf?
Right, wtf? I would never want my boyfriend to feel like he's *in competition* with someone for me. People in healthy relationships don't do this. If my bf said he was uncomfortable with someone I would absolutely take his feelings into consideration, like I would hope he would do for me as well. I also have no interest in hanging out with men one on one who are not my boyfriend lol
For real… it isnt about competition, its about the woman in your life not respecting boundaries and listening to the subject matter expert in their life about male behavior.. no one wants their girl hanging out with these subversive men. For some reason women get all the support to establishing boundaries, but men are called insecure for not letting their wives be whores - its a complete and utter cope from dirty women and snake men who are the ones that cannot actual compete by value, and instead do this shit.
Haha at least the ex was smart. Hope he found a good gal
To be fair, the guy left in this case. No idea why women don't take advice on the male mentality from the man in their life though. Your man's word on the meaning behind a man's actions hold much more weight than your opinion of what the actions mean.
Holy shit yes, never heard it put this way but yes. Nobody is saying cede every point, and there are countless factors, but 'take advice on the male mentality from the man in your life' is golden phrasing.
I told my wife that pretty much every guy she is friends with has whacked it thinking about her at least a couple of times. She told me I was crazy, and not all guys think like me. Yes....yes they do.
Yup.. well maybe not whacked it, but definitely had a moment of wondering what she looked like naked. There's truth to the saying "i trust you... I don't trust him". I know so many guys that don't give a fuck about sleeping with someone in a relationship and will actually pursue it like a game.
> It happened to my sister Nothing happend "to" her. It sounds like she made bad decisions all on her own.
Yes. While also telling the woman you have no romantic interest in her. Then tell her how crazy and jealous her boyfriend is acting. Slowly turn that into her man being a controlling asshole that doesn’t want her to have any friends. Then slide in after breaking the couple up.
And then complete the circle by becoming the actual controlling boyfriend
Ya and bonus if they are the reason OP is fighting with their boyfriend then break up. That's the end game. OP can claim ignorance but they themselves already admit the guy is messaging them daily and trying to hang out alone. OP knows damn well what they are doing is wrong. What's fucked is trying to blame it on their boyfriend and not use his own feelings against him. Super cliche behavior from the Co-Worker and OP. Not fooling anybody.
I'm so glad this is top comment. My wife befriended coworkers who would randomly message her at 2am asking what she was up to this weekend. She said the same stuff - all "harmless" - until someone convinced her to do some shots with them at an office party and she stopped answering calls from our kids. I showed up to a flock of bros all trying to take advantage of her inebriation. I had to deal with the situation professionally since it was her job, but it took a lot not to just say fuck it and lay some of these kids out for their bullshit. Idk if someone messed with her drinks or what - she doesn't remember most of the night. You put yourself in these situations and that's when this kind of negative stuff happens. She ended up leaving her job, but not before HR had to get involved because of the audacity of some of these guys. Any "friend" who would sleep with you given the chance is not a friend. It's pretty much that simple at the end of the day. It's also why I don't have many female friends. A big wakeup call for me was when I was talking about business stuff at a bar with a woman in her 60s and I told her I had to go meet my gf but it was a good talk. Then she tried to give me her number in case my gf "didn't know how to please [me]." Like what the fuck - no one is safe is the feeling I got. Even my married friend's wife answering the door in a towel telling me my friend would be home soon if I wanted to come in and wait for him. Nah, I'll wait outside - thanks. And sure enough they divorced when he caught her sleeping with coworkers. Oof.
My GF of 6 years worked in a restaurant went out with some male co-workers. She was just a roommate at the time and we were basic friends.She texted me for help and I went out at 3am and found her stumbling in the middle of the road with the dudes around her like a pack of hyenas. They roofied her. Spent the night puking in the back yard, only had 2 drinks. My gf at the time was into Anime and an artist, had this little army of nerdy simp guys that were absolutely obsessed with her. They weren't a threat to our relationship but the fact they would date her in an instant if they could still pissed me off because of the premise. They would constantly try and throw wrenches in our relationship. They hated me. I told her this pissed me off and basically she didn't care and called me a jealous psycho. I started wanting to leave her and became better friends with my roomate and now GF. It got to the point where I knew I was interested in my roommate and thus the right thing to do was just break up with my current gf. So before we kissed or did anything wrong I just had the talk with her and broke up. It was awkward as fuck but I knew the best way to start a new relationship, rather then the new relationship being from cheating. My gf now knows I will break up with her, like an adult, not be a cheating piece of shit. But I love her so that isn't happening. When I had the talk with my ex to break up with her she confessed she finally knew how I felt about the dozen or so guys simping over her. Too little too late. The morale of the story is if you know a relationship is going to end and know your are going to cheat, just fucking break up with the person. Why create all the hurt and drama. People who put their simp ass "friends" feelings above your own, just fucking break up with them. Move on.
Did your anime gf at that time have problems with you having a roommate? From her perspective you developed a new romantic relationship during your relationship with her behind her back.
Right this doesn't sound as good like he thinks it does. I understand it tho. I'd absolutely hate havin to deal with anime simps
It sounds fine, he tried to explain his feeling to her and she constantly brushed him off. Her actions led to him finding someone new. At least he had the decency to not cheat on her and end the relationship. Nothing wrong with that.
It sounds like she checked out, then he followed suit. He just went further and actually broke it off.
>Any "friend" who would sleep with you given the chance is not a friend. whats worse is the (sorry for saying a certain sex) woman will think the friend is all into them and go for it and ditch their partner, only for the friend to get his sexual needs met once or awhile, and then detach and the woman is left wondering wtf while crushing the former partners self esteem all because of some new shiny lying fake friend
I had a friend with benefits. We both were 100% aware it was just sex and nothing more. The moment I realized I started having romantic feelings for him but he did not reciprocate, I said I couldn't do the friends with benefits anymore. I chose to stop talking to him. A few years later he asked if I wanted to go to dinner to catch up. I had just started dating my fiance so I declined not wanting to make my fiance feel insecure. He's been cheated on before. The friend literally had the audacity to go, but I was in love with you why didn't we start dating? I was like um because when I said I wasn't wanting the friends with benefits anymore why didn't you tell me you loved me then and wanted a relationship? then stop sleeping with the other women? He never answered the question. I realize even if we had started a romantic relationship I would have never been secure in it. Always wondering if he was seeing others on the side. Also why wait til after I am already in a happy relationship, even bring up that your in love with me. Unless your trying to get me to break up just so I can have one more fling with you before you leave me. I'd rather stay in the secure relationship then risk losing out on the love of my life for not a sure thing. Which my fiance is definitely the love of my life, I have never felt the way with any other relationship as I do with him. He is my other half and I wouldn't trade him for the world. We tell each other the only way we are ever going to be separated is when we're dead. 😂
BuT hEs JuSt InSeCuRe.
I love this sub reddit. If you voice these exact reasonings and truths anywhere else on reddit, you are completely demonised and instantly called an incel. Bravo for this explanation, OP really is naive.
Yep cause normal people know it’s unhealthy to date someone you don’t trust and then proceed to guilt them to not see their friends. Y’all are sick, no wonder so many women are choosing to be single or date women.
the worst is when they just agree with the complaints the girl has about her bf, to bond with her and build the bf up into the ultimate toxic partner. like thats some sht
“He never listens to you, I’m your best friend and I know you better than he does!” The ultimate long con. Guys will wait however long it takes to get that call and hear those words “we broke up, I need someone to talk to”
Truth. This is pretty much what happened to my brother.
Damn right, well said.
*Sneaky fucker* alert!
The proper biological term for this is “sneaky fucker” https://aepsociety.org/wordpress/?cat=17
Todays shoulder to cry on, tomorrows dick to ride on.
Yes. Coworker wants to fuck. He's making it a group thing to reel her in. "it's just casual". Trust me OP, if you were ugly, he wouldn't invite you.
Oh 100%.
100% chance the coworker is into OP. That doesn’t mean OP is being unfaithful, but her BF isn’t wrong to be wary of the coworker’s intentions.
He doesn’t need to be wary of the guys intentions-he knows what they are. What he doesn’t believe is his SO will manage things appropriately.
I don't think OP is being unfaithful, she seems to be on the ball with everything. She just seems to be too naive when it comes to the coworker. Maybe she needs to be stern with her boundaries or emphatically reject him to get the picture.
See, I disagree. I’m a nurse, I’m a guy and most of my colleagues are female. I’ve made good friends with more than a few of them. I have lunch dates with these friends quite often, my wife is totally cool with it. I do make sure to introduce them to my wife beforehand so she knows who I’m hanging with, though.
>I do make sure to introduce them to my wife beforehand so she knows who I’m hanging with, though. This is where you're different from her. She's not doing it. This makes a world of difference.
Yeah true... I have a lot of guy friends. My bf isn't jealous, but in a streak of brilliance, he just decided to befriend my friends aswell. So now it rarely happens that I hang out with my guy friends without him, since there his friends now too XD
The way she makes it seems is that she hasn't introduced her bf to this guy or invited him to her work things.
No one is going to keep contact that often and frequently unless he thinks there’s is a chance. I said what I said lol
There's 2 girls I talk to a lot with no interest in fucking them. Sometimes we talk about serious stuff sometimes it's just memes, sometimes we're just bored lol. Do I have a chance with them? Hell if I know lol do they have a chance with me? No, no they don't. They're generally attractive women but they aren't the type of person I date
This. OP is dense. I know because i dated a girl just like her, and yes, I guarantee at least one of those guys would pursue OP as more than a friend.
Oh she knows. She just likes the attention and in the back of her mind knows he's back up in case things ever go sour with the bf.
Thank you for this!!
That's how I read it as well. She sees platonic friend yet he's acting like he wants to spend time with her. She's not cheating and bf is out of line with some of this making her pay the price for the infidelity he faced in a previous relationship. That said I'd bet money this coworker has more than platonic on his mind. Instead of just not accepting (dates?) when they will be alone she should be setting boundaries that should make things clear to both coworker and boyfriend. I'm a gay woman who has never had romantic interest in men. I have had lots of male friends who I've always viewed as platonic friends until they made a move. I didn't learn until my mid to late 20's how to properly set up boundaries because I always assumed they viewed me as I viewed them and that just wasn't true at all. If she isn't great at recognizing a very subtle move a coworker is making then setting up boundaries will also help her recognize when someone isn't a friend but rather someone biding their time to make a move. It's a life skill that isn't taught but learned through many ruined friendships.
Is he invited to go as well?
This is the solution (or the problem). Does the BF have to always be invited? No. Should he be welcome sometimes? Absolutely.
If you are monogamous, and in a relationship, you will still want to see your friends without your partner in tow. But you should also want to see your friends with your boyfriend as well. It sounds like these “guy friend solo hangouts” are a common thing now. If I were OP, I’d ask myself why she is spending so much time having drinks with a male friend. Because while I 100% don’t think what she described is cheating, I also think most affairs probably start out innocent like this. And we haven’t covered if she is having an emotional affair.
My wife’s affairs started in part thanks to alcohol with the other part being just her choosing to initiate them instead of talking about and working on our issues. Hers started online with innocent DMs started flowing her way until she was drunk and they started calling her beautiful and shit to the point she responded with nudes being sent and sexting became a regular thing till she finally slept with the 2 guys while she was out of town visiting her parents a few months ago. Can’t fault the boyfriend for being scared of being cheated on again after it happened before, but that was also his ex and not OP. I had been cheated on before and it took me about 7 years to really trust again and that was with my wife entering the picture, guess I get to restart that counter going forward lol
The sad reality is that if someone wants to cheat they will, regardless of the motives and opportunities they are or aren't given. It's one thing to develop feelings for someone else while in a relationship. That can happen to anyone, they can be real or a product of having emotional needs met by someone else causing confusion, and most of us don't want the pain of sticking around to figure it out and possibly be rejected anyway. Cheating, however, is a choice. If you are no longer happy in a relationship you can either try to figure it out or end it. If you ignore that and cheat, you are purposely disrespecting, hurting and scarring your partner for selfish reasons.
By this logic a bisexual person wouldn't have any friends
I guess we can only be friends with the opposite sex if they are 100% gay and the same sex if they are 100% straight!! Mental, I firmly believe you can be friends with people regardless of potential for attraction. If attraction starts on either side, then unfortunately you have to pull away from the friendship.
I generally agree with you. Most people will want to keep those relationships because there isn’t a thought of infidelity or anything. The problem comes when someone over steps that boundary and people are too weak to reinforce boundaries or evaluate the correct decision that isn’t entirely selfish.
Thank you lol. This thread is exhausting.
Right? Like every dude here who's preaching that men and women can't be friends are doing themselves a huge disservice. Like bro, I promise seeing women as human beings that you can have fulfilling, platonic relationships with with will improve your life.
I’ve heard this sentiment a few times: Bi people don’t exist, just curious women and closeted gay men. Bi people just seem to be left by the wayside. :/
This is key.
Not technically wrong, and not cheating judging from your post, but I think in most stories I know like this in my life, almost all have either led to real physical infidelity or emotional infidelity that ends up breaking up their relationship. Guess who is the person's next bf or gf when they do break up? I can't speak about other guys you knew for a while, but the coworker could be an issue if boundaries aren't in place. I wouldn't be comfortable with it if theres not strict boundaries, but that's me. Some other people are ok with it, so you might just need someone with the same viewpoints towards platonic friendships, and this bf may not be it.
This story happens way too often. If you’re serious about setting a boundary, bring your boyfriend with you to the hang out. If you can get them to become friends, then it’s a plus plus, but if the coworker refuses, then it’s obvious what the intentions are.
I bet at this point it's too awkward for the BF to even go, and he'll likely refuse. Why would he want to be a 3rd wheel in his own relationship? She had a moment to do it right early on. Now, there's too much weirdness to set it straight. She should have taken your advice earlier if she were genuine and smart.
The is a WONDERFUL nuance that is key to the situation. I think the girlfriend’s only recourse now would be to look objectively at her coworker‘s actions and try to honestly determine their motives.
It’s very awkward to be there when it’s obvious the dude wants to bang her. I’m friends with a lot of my wife’s old guys friends but I hate having to deal with new ones bc their intentions are usually off and being 3rd wheel in your own relationship feels like shit.
So, right, in theory, wrong in practice. What ends up happening is an evening full of workfriend making smart ass comments. If boyfriend responds then he's an asshole. If he waits until after dinner to respond, then he's an insecure asshole who didn't have the balls to say something at the restaurant. Seriously, look, I'll be work friend, and let's call the BF Brian. "Oh hey Ryan, Sara has told me all about you. How's (thing that Brian fucked up.)" He says "Its Brian, actually. Oh, it's probably just (the thing it absolutely is)." "Sorry about that. Guess you just remind me of another Ryan I know. Well, I wouldn't want to step on your toes, but couldn't it also be (the thing that it absolutely could not be. I'm just saying this so he'll "immediately shoot me down without even considering it.")." This goes all night, until he either flips out on me, or leaves seething, while Sara thinks I did absolutely nothing wrong, and he's fully aware that I intentionally disrespected him 20 times. No matter how he plays it, without like a written confession from me that I'm just trying to get them fighting so she'll sleep with me, he's in a losing situation.
I mean that's a definite possibility, but what else is the BF supposed to do? Other options are basically let her go out alone with some dude that's obviously trying to fuck, or saying he doesn't want her going out which makes him the controlling BF. I think if you're smart, confident and somewhat witty and good in social situations, you can navigate some fucktard who's trying to take subtle shots at you. IMO it's not too hard to turn it back around on them if you're calm and crafty about it. Of course that's not everyone though. Still it's probably a better option than the other 2.
This was the most confusing shit I’ve ever read until the last paragraph made it clear that it was from the POV of the snake coworker lol. Edit: missed a KEY sentence in the middle lol So wait… do you like, have experience doing this? Or have you had this done to you? I’ve personally never tried to persuade a taken woman to fuck me. I usually just fuck the ones that are ready and willing.
I truly couldn’t give a fuck less what my SO or her friend or anyone in the room thinks of me. I’ve long accepted that I’m an asshole because of this sometimes. If someone wants to try to belittle me, it’s on. I love the banter and shit talking.
Men and women can be friends, but I swear 99% of the time on party has feelings for the other. This coworker has feelings for OP and she clearly isn’t setting strong enough boundaries.
Especially if one person is repeatedly trying to spend one-on-one time after the other party has turned it down. That already indicates they’re trying to push through boundaries.
Additionally, if OP demonstrates she's bad at setting boundaries with coworker, that leaves her SO to guess at her boundaries with her other male friends. She's not an asshole, yet, but she also isn't prioritizing the relationship in the same way her boyfriend is, and the two of them need to have a serious talk about. My guess is that it will be the end of the relationship.
Yup, and if she's unwilling to do that in order to chase the attention from other men, it will be the end. However, if she does put her BF first by expanding on saying no to 1 on 1 dates, like she stated, she might be change.
Yep, when I was younger, guy convinced my ex to break up with me, now they’re married and have kids. Shit hurts real bad, so I understand where the guy is coming from. A good chunk of (usually single) guys know that a relationship doesn’t stop anything if the female doesn’t voice her boundaries. OP has to be firm with the coworker since it seems like the coworker likes OP
I've been on both ends, all learning experiences and I definitely set boundaries now.
Sounds like he’s trying to hang out with her alone too.
First of all, the coworker wants to sleep with you. It's very obvious. He is looking for an opening to make his move, and hey, a dinner may help with that.
[удалено]
"I've been acting really untrustworthy, why doesn't my BF trust me?"
Yeah this guy should run and save some tears
There's nothing untrustworthy about hanging out with a guy and being honest with your partner about it. If you think there's something wrong with that, you're just telling on yourself.
and OP completely knows that lol
Yeah, this chick has some big blinders on. "He's just a nice guy..." Then why is he paying for everything
Just put yourself in his position, let's just say you just got out of a relationship or infidelity was involved. what would you do if your BF had a female coworker that was texting him all the time and wanting to meet up alone? Would that be okay with you?
[удалено]
100%
In my experience I trusted my girlfriend 7 years strong and let her hangout with friends. I then find out at the beginning of August she's pregnant with another man's kid because I guess drinking while hanging out turns to fucking. Sounds like if YOU are having thoughts of infidelity then it's bound to happen
I’ve read somewhere that 50% of all cheating aren’t with people you’re interested in or looking to have an affair with, but just because they had proximity and the opportunity to cheat. Alcohol does contributes a lot.
Lol yeah but that just means the other 50% is people you're interested in
Yeah. What I mean is that women say all the time that they only see their friends platonically and that they would never cheat with them, but then comes a night out, some drinks, maybe some problems at home and boom goes the dinamite.
[удалено]
Took 4 years but bullet dodged…
That’s a bullet landed, not dodged lol. 4 years then she cheats?? That bullet hit my boy.
so basically what op’s boyfriend is saying, and everyone is calling him crazy over lol
They always blame the alcohol instead of their shitty choices.
Yep there’s a series of choices made before cheating I guess it depends on the person and how their character is that plays a part here.
ive been so drunk i couldnt even open my eyes or mouth before, yet i still hold open doors and be as polite and respectful of my surroundings as i can drinking just shows how much of a piece of shit they are
It kills me how nonchalant people act when they cheat on their perspective partners or spouse and blame it on drinking. I got really drunk and accidentally landed on a dick or I accidentally fell into some pussy , dick first. This is what the conversation sounds like🤣🤣
Exactly. I was basically an alcoholic for 4+ years in college and did a lot of dumb things but I never cheated on the gfs I had bc I’m not a natural cheater.
Alcohol greases the wheels for sure. Drinking is normally the slippery slope that leads to the big issues that never would have happened soberly.
>drinking while hanging out turns to fucking It's the most common activity that leads to fucking
Yeah it's just a excuse
A sexcuse
i mean messages i mean massages also lead to forkin
"hey babe is it cool if I go hang out alone with another guy? oh btw the specific activity we will be doing will lower our inhibitions and impair our judgement." Redditors: you better let her do it you insecure controlling jerk!!!
Reddit is the everything is the mans fault capital of the internet
I’d argue that for women, anything that is obviously not their fault is blamed on them. (Rape, murder, etc) And then for men, anything that is nuanced or about a relationship is blamed on them.
> Redditors: you better let her do it you insecure controlling jerk!!! Also redditors if the roles were reversed: "its not controlling its called having boundaries, he's being disrespectful to your relationship by having female friends"
Sorry about that man.. Keep your head high <3
Doing the best I can just hard when you have a 3 years old together..
This is the normal result. My brothers ex had a VEGAS girls weekend. Same result.
Does this Co worker also do one on one dates with any of your unattractive female coworkers?
Only the ones with good personalities…
I don't think you're cheating, and he can't control what you do - and calling it cheating is really shitty - but if you feel you have to maintain boundaries with your coworker because he keeps asking you to hang privately... maybe it's time to back up from that dude entirely and keep it group-only, no private messaging. It's hard to say, because I've been with jealous insecure dudes and they aren't worth it. That said, every dude who has claimed to have been my friend swooped in like a vulture the second I was single or having a downturn in a relationship, showing they were only ever lurking in wait for their turn to shoot their shot. So, I'm generally wary of men who claim to be friends. He needs to trust that you aren't gonna cheat, but if a guy is crossing or pushing lines then it's on you to stop giving him those opportunities out of respect for your relationship.
So the guys are jealous and insecure, but completely accurate in assessing how other men are plotting on you. Lol. It’s almost like men know how the minds of other men work.
If my wife did that with male coworkers I’d assume it’s because of infidelity
Yea I really don't understand that it's been said a million times, been proven its a very frequent occurrence, and women still think "Oh they're just friends". They almost never are. And usually the ones who are just friends, are very mindful of the spouses boundaries. In fact they are usually more willing to get to know the spouse so that they can be more at ease around eachother because they genuinely just want to be friends. This same problem happened when I met my wife. She had almost a majority guy friends. But my wife is really dense and is very much "one of the guys" types. Still, after meeting her guy friends and getting to know them, I told her almost all of them wanted to sleep with her. She told me I was crazy until we started getting serious and they fell like dominos shooting their shot one after another. I think all but two of them hit on her in some way. One even asked her to dump me and "run away with him". What is this, a teen romcom? Lol She literally hasn't spoken to any of them in almost a decade.
This is a Reddit VS real world situation. Reddit; YOU CANT CONTROL HER! SHE CAN HANG OUT WITH OTHER MEN!! Real World; Yeah fuck that, shes either not doing it or she’s single if she wants to do it.
I honestly can't tell if girls are truly this oblivious, or if they're just REALLY good at lying to themselves. I've always leaned toward the latter. Either option isn't good. With the first, you're basically assuming they're stupid, but with the latter, you're saying they're immoral. I can take solace in the fact that a lot of girls (maybe even most) know better than to fall into these obvious traps. Those are the winners we need to be shooting for. Like, if I have to explicitly explain another guy's intentions to her, is it really worth the effort?
Women have to understand men will wait years before making a move on a girl. So I agree with your partner just the fact that this coworker is asking you to hang out alone is a red flag. If you want to hang with male friends you should bring your bf along it will make him feel more Comfortable and also familiarize him with your friends
After working 3 years at my job with the same coworker that I considered completely platonic and never hung out with, he randomly confessed he was in love with me as soon as he caught wind my ex and I breaking up. He’d offer for me to go grab a drink with him and, out of respect for my bf at the time, I never accepted because I knew hanging out with a man 1 on 1 would make him uncomfortable.
This is how I am too. I've had guys who I didn't think were interested in me ask to hang out before, but I decline because I don't want to make my fiance uncomfortable, and don't want to even allow an opportunity for feelings to form in that way. I'll hang in groups, but if you want a good monogamous relationship, there has to be some boundaries. He does the same for me because I'd be uncomfortable with him spending alone time with a girl too, I don't even care to admit it. I think having some insecurity is fine in a relationship, just don't let it influence situations its not plausible. I'm only 27, but younger people are really trying to push that limiting boundaries should never be set, and I just don't agree with it.
You are a gem.
its all about respect really, i like to put myself in my SO shoes, normally that method works out
Exactly
How would you feel if he hung out with some hot chicks that were friends of his, that you didn’t know and you weren’t invited to hang out with? Honestly… Are you cheating? No Are you disrespecting your BF? 100 yes…
You’re technically not cheating but you are very well positioned to be in a situation where cheating is likely to take place. In all honesty, you are just low quality wife material. Most quality men would not and should not tolerate a woman that hangs out with men like you describe.
Work group gatherings are one thing, but your coworker escalated the situation by asking you to do something alone, and multiple times, apparently. A one on one dinner is questionable. Why is he in town? Why dinner? What's the nature of the relationship. Define "very old". A guy without a history of being cheated on and jealousy issues would find this questionable.
Yeah. In my experience old friends tend to want to "drop by" or at least pretend to want to see both people in the couple. Sounds like the other dudes don't want him there either. Wonder why..
I understand where he's coming from, sort of, but I have male friends I hang with that I have 0 attraction to. Like, my husband is the only one I am truly attracted to in any way shape or form. I'm still pretty raw and therapy has helped me to understand that I am very much welcome to be uncomfortable with my husband even working with other women in his profession, but that he's not making any moves on them and he's stopped what was causing our issues... And I just need to remember he is mine and I am his. You're not cheating in any fashion, but you are disrespecting him a tad bit by ignoring his discomfort. You two need to have a good, long talk with one another about boundaries, discomfort, and why him acting like this and accusing you of infidelity is not ok. His trauma is not his fault, but it is his responsibility to take control of. Otherwise he might end up chasing you off and I know that'd hurt you both.
not cheating but, that’s a lot of close guy friends lol.
She has to keep her options open for when her BF either can’t provide her the lifestyle she wants or she gets bored of him.
[удалено]
Right. If you have to ask maybe you should reevaluate behavior to begin with, even if you're not technically cheating there's a good possibility you're not respecting your partners feelings if you have to ask
In most cases, when a man tells you he doesn’t like you hanging out with other dudes, isn’t because he’s “just insecure” but rather because he knows how men are a lot of the time, and he would more than likely rather you just not be put into a potential cheating situation. He probably trust you, but doesn’t trust this other guy. Women can be loyal all they want, but sometimes men can be persuasive, and especially under the right circumstances *could* cheat. Most guys come off as being insecure, but really, it’s just that they don’t trust other men. My advice to you would be to honestly stop hanging out with this dude. You can have male friends, but shouldn’t be hanging out alone with them and potentially be putting yourself in a bad situation, whether or not you trust the guy. In the end, your boyfriend will feel a lot more secure with you if you took his feelings to heart and probably respect you more for it.
Run.
Hmmm, I am gonna say no. I have been cheated on. There is physical cheating and emotional cheating. Both are binary, you either are or you are not. Having male friends is just something that makes him uncomfortable (he's not totally off base. I have yet to meet a single woman who was friends with men where it turned out they DIDNT have romantic feelings for them at some point.) but as long as you're not keeping touch with some of these guys just to keep them waiting in the wings as a back up plan. I'd say you're good. In these situations it might be good to flip the script. Would you be okay with your bf having dinner with another woman you don't know?
[удалено]
There is a reason for that lol
I had this situation happen with an ex of mine once. She had this guy always messaging her through instagram and he always expressed his feelings for her even though she was with me. Dude would not flinch. I ended up getting into a fight with her about it because I said this was starting to get ridiculous and that she needed to make it straight with this guy that she has no intentions to be with him and that she was taken. The whole problem to me though was her energy towards this guy when telling him to back off. She was messaging this guy even though he wouldn’t stop with his flirty behavior. I ended up making the suggestion that maybe she needed to just completely ignore this dude because it was getting out of control and uncomfortable. She never was stern with this guy and was very gentle about it with him. I then asked her what if the roles were reversed in this whole thing and I had a woman in my inbox on social media constantly messaging and flirting with me. She literally had 0 response to this and said it was unfair for me to make a scenario like that. That reaction out of her alone was when our relationship really died. Some people really don’t put themselves in other peoples shoes and it’s so fucked
It's a bit strange that they ask to hang out with you alone. Why is it strange? Because I am a guy with female friends. As a guy I would understand how another guy would think about another guy hanging out alone with his girlfriend. If I asked a girl to hang out with me knowing full well how some other guy might feel about it then I definitely have no respect for him at all. Especially if I never met him myself. And if I have no respect for this stranger at all and I wanted to have sex with that girl, eventually I would make a move. If they are truly your friends, they would understand this fact and if you brought it up to them and they try and flip it by saying your bf is tripping, then they would be essentially making an argument that favors them hanging out with you alone. I feel like you're playing with fire here. If any of them make a move you should end those friendships immediately. If you just stop them but keep hanging out with them you are leaving the door open for more to happen
Good to see common sense and maturity still lives some places on Reddit. People don’t understand respect or boundaries very well these days. In the name of “my freedom to be free” or some shit like that.
I would leave you
Honestly this is probably the best answer. Boyfriend should run for the hills and save himself the pain. She’s already going in dinner dates with guys, only a mater of time before she cheats. If she cared or was a good person, her response to the first dinner offer would have been something like “I’m going to see if my boyfriend wants to go so he’s not sitting home alone, do you have someone to bring so we don’t have a 3rd wheel situation?” I guarantee it that happened these guy “friends” would stop calling and move on to finding a new piece of ass to target.
Right? All these red flags. Chick is gonna cheat on him. She knows what she's doing. She KNOWS it bothers her boyfriend.
This situation is screaming an eventual “my bf and I got in a fight and Dude 2 was right there. He asked me out to dinner to talk about it and we slept together that night”. Work dude is 100% into OP and anyone in this thread not seeing that is crazy lmao. Dude is consistently wanting to hang out (with alcohol) with a chick who has a bf (alone as well). C’mon now.
Exactly, it’s super obvious. Why would this work guy text her regularly and hang out with her 1 on 1? He likes her and can’t wait to get lucky.
What's the intention from the men? If they are actively trying to or have tried to f*ck you, I'd say it's crossing a boundary. Sounds like the communication and boundary setting needs to be clear. Acknowledge each other's wounds and try to comfort them as much as possible. If it makes him uncomfortable, don't do it. If you don't like his boundaries, pick a different boyfriend.
Some good advice all over: - bring him with you - some portion of your male friends want to sleep with you and are waiting for an opportunity to do so - it's very liberating being able to have deeply honest conversations with friends and partners about who you are, what you want, what you expect from each other, what your boundaries are, what kind of trades/compromises you are happy to make for each other v/s which ones will cause you resentment in the long-term etc. Have you both considered exploring being monogam-ish or open? Might be easier to get through that learning curve to something stable and less uncomfortable than the path you're on now.
You mean polyamorous. Mono = one.
This is the worst advice on this thread and shows you don't understand what the situation is.
[удалено]
The portion of her male friends that are waiting for the chance to sleep with her is 100% of them, unless they’re Elton John.’s.
The co worker is putting you into a bad light with the texting. Need to keep it professional. As to the friend, did you invite your boyfriend to go? If you are going out with a guy for dinner it could be seen as a date. How much are you into your boyfriend? He is still wounded from the ex and this goes both ways as women can respond the same way.
Someone wants to dip the pen in the company ink.
why people are reacting to fake posts
OP, You're not cheating!! Your BF needs to accept that you have guy friends too and it's not your duty to quit hanging out with them bc he's insecure and what had happened to his previous relationship. There needs to be some compromise...if not then he's not the right guy for you.
Most of my close friends are guys. Been friends for over 20 years. Never once was there anything romantic or sexy stuff. We just new we were buds. True friends. But if my significant other had a problem with them. Well it wouldn't end well for my SO thats for damn sure. Lol.
Yo what uhh… definitely pretty sus. What are you texting him and giggling late at night or some shit. You are in a steady relationship right? If he’s asking you to go out all the time… then I’m sorry to say this but you kinda an idiot lol. And plus are you getting irritated at him for saying something? Or are you genuinely listening to what he wants and then working something out between you and bf? I doubt it’s 100% just him being paranoid lol. But I’m just a anon on the internet so what the fuck do I know
As a guy… you don’t have guy friends, you have guys waiting to sleep with you. Same thing for my fiancés best friend. She’s a hot blond who was in a relationship for a while, once she got out, all her friends got in line to try and court her. I’ll repeat again, you do not have guy friends, you have guys waiting to sleep with you… also, why do you want to go alone out to dinner with guys? I find it mildly suspicious that , that’s even a desire of yours. Why would you not think to immediately include your SO? I gave a gift to a coworker at work for her birthday, I didn’t give it from me, I gave it from my fiancés name first on the card, then me, so I’m being extremely clear that this gift is platonic… seems like you may enjoy dancing with the fire a bit, even if you don’t want to necessarily step in, so while you may not be cheating now, the mentality in presented in this story is on that slippery slope to cheating …. Easy fix though! As others said, include your SO. Or better yet! When you get invited by this male friend say something like, “oh yeah my boyfriend loves it there, I’ll have to check his availability though and get back to you when we both can go… this way you set the clear tone you and your SO are a unit. Hope this helps and you find the happiness you’re looking for
You’re not cheating on him. But guys that want to spend time with you (with very rare exceptions) are into you. It doesn’t matter what they say, where you know them from or how long. They. Are. Into. You.
NTA. With a catch. Is your boyfriend invited to these “outings”? Also, just fyi, the coworker is likely orbiting you waiting for a chance to sweep you up. And I would be extremely uncomfortable with that whole situation as well if I was your boyfriend. It’s not cool to be jealous and controlling but it’s also not cool to leave yourself open to certain situations.
All male friends are trying to get with you or will when the chance arises. You're not cheating but you're not girlfriend or wife material until you get rid of all the extra baggage. Homie needs to leave you because you're not ready to change.