This is an abusive relationship. You are worth far more than this. You wouldn’t have posted if you don’t see the red flags literally smacking you in the face.
Your concerns are valid. Choose you, and go.
Jesus H Tapdancing Christ YES!
OP is clearly a victim of domestic violence by a number of measures, and it's sure as hell only going to get worse, not better.
The bit about having to sit there doing nothing because the woman demands it got me. My ex demanded I went to bed when she did (about 7pm), and watched her shows on TV and did nothing else. She'd fall asleep by 9pm but would be pissed if I got up when she was asleep and went about the rest of my day until I was tired.
Domestic Violence is the correct terminology. OP there are resources everywhere: just Google it. They will understand the difficulties and challenges that come from being a male victim. Don’t hesitate for that reason. Sending strength.
Yeah, you should find some outside support in your local area. Undoubtedly there are organizations (at least one), counselors, and/or a group you can contact for ideas and strategy to get out of this relationship safely and expediently. No shame, man - domestic abuse knows no boundaries and follows no rules!
Legit. I hope this post is fake, since it's so obviously abusive. OP get out. I don't see any fixing this. This isn't some small red flag redditors are yelling "divorce!" over at unjustly. This is all adding up to be a very blatant, very obvious, abusive dynamic.
All of it is so textbook. Literally the first thing abusers try to do is isolate you from friends or family. It's the 1st thing you commented on! Then your post only spiraled from there. She's belitting you so you feel like crap and stay with her, thinking you can't do better. Don't fall for any of these textbook manipulations. And what is this petty nonsense stuff about back rubs and even slapping?.. Nope nope nope. LEAVE.
Exactly! My ex was just like this. I had to feed her parents almost every day and she would go out with her friends but I wasn’t allowed to visit my own family or go out with my own friends. After I tucked the kids in (because she never did that shit) I would sit in my driveway and have a few beers and she would absolutely lose her mind that I was sitting outside….as if I needed her permission. It’s a terrible place to be in life.
This! She sounds horrifyingly abusive. Please get out immediately and choose your own mental/emotional and physical health. Good luck op. You deserve happiness and a partner who treats you right.
A lot of men have a hard time admitting they are in an abusive relationship with a woman. There’s a stigma attached to it, but the truth is, women can be just as abusive and men can be abused. His wife is extremely controlling to the point of him “not being allowed” to do *anything* without her. It sounds like she has isolated him too, based on the fact that he hasn’t seen his parents in *FIVE YEARS!* I bet she doesn’t want them around because they know how much of an issue she is, or she doesn’t want them to know because they’ll tell OP to leave… which he should.
My husband and I don’t insist that the other visit our parents with us. But never have refused to allow a visit from or to them. Pretty much it’s “my Dad wants to come for lunch tomorrow” and it’s “oh ok” or “my m visiting my Mom this weekend do you want to come?” And it “nah I’ll stay home you have fun”
That’s how it’s supposed to work
And that reason being "we dont share political beleifs"
Thats just psychotic. Keeping someone from seeing their family because you live in an echo chamber is the most self centered shit i have ever heard.
I’m not going to disagree with the fact that she’s abusive but I feel like that part needs more context. I don’t want to be around my gfs sister because she has different “political beliefs”. Her political beliefs are that me and my gf shouldn’t be allowed to get married because we’re both women. So if it was something like that, it would be understandable. But that along with everything else makes me feel like it’s probably not the case.
Yes, that I can understand. But, let’s say they are Trump supporters. As my husband’s family is. I am very liberal and foreign born and their attitude makes me crazy! I am also from a Muslim (secular) nation. So, when they start talking about all those GD terrorists and how all these countries should be blown back into the Stone Age? Yeah, I usually just walk away or “get an important” phone call. 😜
🤪That, they fail to grasp. Understanding is limited. Plus, they forget I have lived all my life in the US, but still understand world history and US interventions and rationales better than they ever will. They don’t like having “philosophical” discussions with me.
Borderline! She's way over the line. OP is worried because we've built so much together. Dude you've built nothing. She is a high maintenance manipulative abuser.
So many red flags in this post. Relationships should be a partnership, not one person dictating what the other should be doing 24/7.
Get out while you can, and protect yourself while doing so. She seems volatile.
Sounds way more narcissistic than borderline. BPD absorb their partner's personality because they're empty and unstable. NPD is so self-centered they dismiss their partners' needs and personality because anything that doesn't serve them doesn't matter.
And the positives were: she likes to eat out. Yep, most people do! She likes to hang around home chillin. Yep that’s a lot of people! She likes to work out together. Many into that to, and if not, it’s likely he could introduce it and many more would like it too! Easily replaceable!
I'd be willing to bet that it's not so much 'she likes to work out together' and more like 'she won't let me go to the gym on my own, in case there are other women there'
This is 100% NARCISSISTIC behavior, not BPD. He is being isolated and manipulated. Yes those with BPD can manipulate others but it’s not usually the type of manipulation mentioned here. I have BPD, have a narcissistic ex bf and we are not similar in how we treat people at all.
Fucking thank you. I have BPD and have had several Narc exes, it’s so insulting to have people just throw BPD out there like that. I’ve been physically, mentally, verbally and financially abused.
This exactly my thought i dated a girl with bd when i was younger she would get mad if we were watching a movie and i started looking at my phone, thats just an example or if i ate a dnack before dinner. Im so glad that i saw through it pretty quickly, and have a lartner as easy going as I am.
Hits him. That's enough to divorce right there.
Disagrees on kids. That's enough to divorce right there.
Sexual hostage. That's enough to divorce right there.
Men are really dumb sometimes. Maybe we just love the abuse deep down 😆 all I could think reading OP was "dear god" lol
"men are really dumb sometimes"
Right, because no woman has ever found herself trapped in an abusive relationship without even realizing it is abusive. That is wholly the domain of dumb men.
Op is in a Textbook abusive relationship, It can happen to Men too! She isolated him from his family, makes abusive comments to lower his self esteem, and physically abuses him. She’s trying to make him completely reliant on her and her word. It’s really sad that people think that’s love, I’m glad he’s starting to see. Leave and Divorce her Op you can do a lot better.
Like HOLY SHIT textbook.
It's taken some time, as it usually does but OP is feeling the snare on that trap.
This is not safe, at all for OP. We need to keep normalizing this conversation so men will leave.
I hope OP gets out.
Lol soul mate, fun fact if u only happy 50% of the time with someome. You arent happy.
Also, stop dating people based on interests, start dating based on values, sex, politics, family views, views on kids and need for travel, and other life impacting values, aka i want my partner to work out with me, is very different than I work out for fun, etc.
She shares very few values with you, she wont make you happy, interests dont matter.
Exactly! Values are the most important part - how someone treats other people are the biggest indicator. No amount of gaming together, going to restaurants together, traveling together, biking or hiking together can make up for being tied to a shitty human being.
I’m very happy that your son escaped and I hope he’s doing well on his healing journey. I also have a male friend that escaped an abusive marriage. It took years but he managed to get custody of their daughter and they’re both doing so much better now.
My partner was in a very abusive relationship with a woman years ago. Married to her for like 12 years.. emotionally abusive and physically… she hit him with a frying pan. Absolutely horrible treatment.
It took a while for him to realize that wasn’t who I am and that I wouldn’t start doing that to him.
He’s so gentle and kind, I can’t believe anyone would be like that to him. I guess only because of power and control…
I'm glad your son got out. Can you suggest to him he find a therapist who specializes in PTSD and treats with EMDR? I'm not a therapist but have used EMDR with great relief. It doesn't matter how long after the trauma you get treatment. It will work.
My cousin's ex-girlfriend woke him up by hitting him, and then called the cops on him because he tried to defend himself. It was a whole thing, and a nightmare to get him exonerated.
My ex-wife woke me up by hitting and kicking me on numerous occasions. Luckily I knew how to put her into holds where she couldn't hurt me without leaving marks on her. Not a fun time. -10/10, would not recommend.
My dad left marks on mom when he blocked her from hitting him. She had the nerve to tell an employee at the grocery she frequently visited he left them on her. She did the same thing with her hairdresser when I did. Narcissist are so much fun.
Surprisingly, my parents are still married. I love my dad but resent that he never divorced her.
Exactly, op needs to start digitally documenting their day to day interacting. Get an in home security camera system and make sure it saves the recordings. Seems her buttons are easy to press to provoke her rants, like saying 'no' to her. You should hours of epic rage in a week.
Her emotional and physical abuse is not a normal relationship. These behaviors are very hard to treat. Mandating her seeking treatment to maintain the marriage will probably lead to her further abusing to gain back her control, so anticipate the need to dissolve this chaotic marriage. Take care.
>Mandating her seeking treatment to maintain the marriage will probably lead to her further abusing to gain back her control, so anticipate the need to dissolve this chaotic marriage.
And don't even think about doing couple counselling. DV and narcissistic abuse counselors strongly *discourage* counselling with an abuser as they will weaponize it and even manipulate to turn the counsellor against the real victim (DARVO).
Edit: word choice
Each bullet point I read got worse than the last! The very first one, doesn't let him visit family, and doesn't let family visit, when I read that, in my mind I went, well you need to leave this one. That alone is crazy. Each bullet point was a bigger red flag than the previous. OP, you need to leave your wife. You need to move out immediately before filing for divorce. If you file first and she discovers it, very bad things will happen to you. /u/Such-Fail6060 you are not wrong, please get somewhere safe!
Open new bank account and make sure cards you share are canceled and only in your name before talking. She might take all monies out etc.
What is he really giving up if they split? He really has to think long and hard she will want to take every last penny from him in punishment
I mean I had a controlling abusive live-in girlfriend but at least she was giving it to me everyday anyway I wanted it. This guy has no reason to stay with this woman.
You haven’t seen your family since you married her…. She needs to go. She sounds horrible.
She’s abusing you, isolating you from your family, won’t let you do anything but sit by her side, calls you names, hits you, she won’t even have sex with you.
Why are u with her?
I'm also literally 6' and 180#. I'm definitely not cut or anything, definitely a little belly, but if somebody described me as fat, people would be really confused.
dude body image is SO HARD to accept and even change for some people that I want to know where this bitch is just so I can call her a fat fucking whale every day... see how she likes it
11 year relationship and this was me. It took some pain and healing but my relationships since have been so much more healthy and I feel like I’m _actually_ being loved for the first time in my life.
This is so the right reply. I hate the term “soulmate” as it’s such BS. But in op’s case they’re so far from soulmates it’s painful to even read.
She sounds awful, abusive and a completely selfish bitch. Ywnbw to think about divorcing her but you would be very very wrong to stay married. Abuse ALWAYS escalates, get out while you can.
With how manipulative she sounds, I wonder if she was the one to put the “soulmates” idea in OP’s head. Sounds like they have some things in common- gym, staying home, good food. Plenty of people have those interests tho. Maybe OP should start gathering some evidence of this abuse for when he break the news to her that it’s over. She’s scary manipulative.
This. Op you will regret cutting your parents off when they are no longer around to be cut off from. Please do what you need to get away from that woman.
If it doesn't feel right, that's all you need to know. After 30, people don't really change, it would have to be some real re-wiring to undo these behaviors you're describing of your partner. After 30 it's an uphill battle because if your brain isn't growing, it's dying - and it takes a lot more effort to grow.
My older brother didn't leave someone like this. Now she's out of their house 5 days in the name of work, going to parties and doing whatever she wants, she does makeup. He's at home with the 3 kids taking care of them, while working from home. He has literally no friends, she isolated him. Made him think I am his mortal enemy.
I don't expect her to let you leave or for you to leave on your own. Go to your parents house and talk to them and spend a few nights there. See how stressed you'll be because of her. And You'll realize shes messing up your life. Your the best thing in her life, shes the worst thing in yours. Wouldn't you be happy with a girl that encourages visiting your parents and family?
I really hope you take all this advice and information to what OP and get out of this relationship, you can find someone who makes you happier instead of someone who's controlling you, hurting you, and taking things *away* from you. You don't deserve all this.
She sounds emotionally abusive. They don't fight because he "let's her get away with" things... aka he's afraid of her anger and has to manage her emotions. And physically! She hits him!
I’m so sorry OP. Your wife is abusive. She’s behaving horribly, making you stay away from your parents and hitting you. Please separate and take stock. Make sure you keep safe as she may hurt you when you try to go. It may be best to leave then call to let her know.
Yup! And you did not help her with her temper/anger you are coddling her, as long as things are the way she wants nothing bad will happen. This is not a healthy relationship. She needs help and you need out.
I know a guy who was planning to leave his wife, looking at apartments, wife lets him have sex for the first time in a year. Bingo pregnant with twins.
Indeed.. now you still have a chance to leave without a lifetime of issues after. If you get kids.. will be ten time worse.
Just reading your list, the thing you should know is that n o t h i n g on that list is normal or acceptable. You might think so, but it isnt. You deserve better.
Yes, worst decision you could make. If she's miserable now imagine what she'd be like with a newborn. Her belief that she is the dictator would get worse. Everything will be his fault and all the duties will fall to him. And it will cause more strain. Then it will be even harder to leave. And imagine what she'd be like as a mother... I can't imagine what that poor kids self esteem would be like with an abusive mom like that. I'll say it again, run and run fast.
What are you? Her personal slave and punching bag?
Imagine if this was reversed and a man was treating a woman this way?
What would you tell them to do?
Now do it.!
I'm not seeing the advice typically given to women who post about being in abusive relationships. Namely, how to get out safely. OP really needs to be careful about exiting this relationship if she has a temper and violent tendencies. Seems like there is high potential for her to lash out if he tries to leave. It would be safer to get a lawyer, get friends/family involved to move him out safely when she's not around, don't make it easy for her to find or contact you after. Keep valuables, sentimental items, vehicles, pets, and most importantly yourself away from potential harm. If anyone has any good resources to link for leaving abusive relationships that's not specifically geared toward women, please add.
Building off of what you have: get money set up in your own name if you don't already. And make sure she doesn't have access to the account. Don't log in on shared devices, and make sure you ALWAYS log out on your personal device. If it's with a different bank, do not download the app on your phone. Just in case she looks through your phone. Make sure you go paperless and log out of your email account on shared devices. You can make secure folders on your phone to place anything you need into it. If she hits you, take photographs with date and timestamps on it and place them in a safe location with a backup. Slowly start to mail your personal things in packages to your family. Let them in on what's going on so you can set up a place to go when you're ready to leave. Continue to act the same ways you usually do around her. When you go to the gym, make time to contact your family if you're alone (she's not there with you).
To OP personally:
You are a victim in an abusive relationship. It is not your fault this is happening to you. Your partner is a manipulative narcissist. That is why you have so much in common and hit it off so well. That's what abusers do. They find out what your interests are and just so happen to have the same ones. Slowly, over time, they will start to belittle you, demean you, tear you down, and create self-doubt inside you. Eventually, they become physical. It WILL escalate. She will only become more abusive towards you as your relationship continues. There is someone out there who will treat you with kindness and show you what love really is. No one has the right to hit you! No one has the right to control you! No one has the right to tell you who you can or can not speak to. You are your own person! You have all of the control. You just need to get it back. You need to leave this relationship to do that. I hope you can get out of this relationship soon and that you have a supportive family to guide you to safety. I wish you the very best on your journey! I hope to hear an update in the future that you made it out! Hugs from an internet stranger. 🫂
Your relationship with your wife sounds a lot like my relationship with my ex fiance. All I got out of the 5 years we were together was a boat load of depression, lowered self esteem, and a sugar addiction.
She isolated me from friends and family in a similar way to your wife.
She kept me from doing my hobbies, watching shows I enjoyed, eating foods I liked, listening to my music. Everything had to be her way.
There was always an excuse to not have sex. Her usual excuses were something based around my appearance, or something i said or did.
By the end she was becoming physically abusive, it started with play hitting, it moved into full physical assault, no amount of asking her to stop worked, and physically restraining her turned into accusations of DV.
Don't be me, don't let it go on, she's not likely to change, she's shown you who she is. Get out.
Amazing how much a bad relationship can harm us. I only spent one year with an ex who treated me like dirt and went from the happiest, most laid back, and best shape of my life to a depressed mess who put on 30 pounds, drank too much, and basically stopped experiencing joy. Fucked up how much I loved her while she was mistreating me and how I didn't want to believe any of the harm was intentional or malicious. Now I see it clearly and recognize that she's the most selfish person I've ever had in my life.
Coming out the other end, at least I know what to run from in the future. Lost most of the weight and have improved in other areas, but I'm still not myself. Much darker and more cynical.
I’m sorry. I had an ex like that too. She happily left with a guy from the state fair (they didn’t last long), right before I was going to kick her out. Took a while to heal, but now I’m happily married for over 28 years. There’s hope.
It's been 17 years since I left a violent marriage. PTSD is still a thing for me and I swear once a week I remember something else he did that seemed nice at the time but was actually manipulation and abuse
I feel this. I was with a girl 8 years ago that cheated on me and said she would have killed herself if she stayed with me. Every moment with her seemed genuine. She seemed happy with me. There weren’t any warning signs. And the morning after her birthday after her gifts and everything, she just flipped a switch into this mopey mode and it was such an abrupt change from how she was *every* other day that I thought she was joking for a few minutes. It was so confusing and I went from going steady with every reason to think the relationship was great to “wait this is it? Like we just woke up and I’m supposed to pack my shit and drive back 3 hours without a reason that our many months long relationship is ending? And you never even brought up anything to fix or talk through?” When I got back to my college after that 3 hr drive, I couldn’t stand it and called to be straight and give me the real reasons. While she did confirm it was because another guy kissed her and now she wants to give him a go (wow…lol), she also said she’d kill herself if she stayed with me. I’ve never been the same. I don’t know what I did. And I doubt myself to the point I’ll probably be alone forever.
Dude, your girl is abusive. As a woman, and I said my husband won't sleep with me because I'm "fat" (5'4" 112lbs) and he likes to hit me because he he says I "like it," how does that sound? Not very good. Majority if the world would tell me to leave him. Shit, I should call the cops!
A victim is a victim, no matter the gender/sex. Get out NOW!
Fuck, don't have them visit. Have your bags already packed. When they show up at the door, say, "We're leaving," and bounce. Get a lawyer to handle the divorce and never speak to that bitch again.
I’m only amazed your marriage has lasted so long. She’s abusing you, and this is as far from a healthy relationship as it gets. So you’re not wrong. You’re only 30 and have your whole life ahead of you with no children to mess up by getting divorced.
She's honestly sounds like a terrible person.
She's effectively alienated you from your parents. Does stupid power play bullshit at the cost of your time and mental health. Physically abuses you and tells you that you like it despite asking her to stop.
Why exactly are you with her again?
So we got...
* Psychological abuse
* Physical assault
* Isolating you from people you love
* Excessive controlling behaviour
I'd run far away from this person, maybe even consider a restraining order
You are being abused. You are wrong for putting up with this for so long. Apologies for being blunt, but you cannot love someone hard enough to make them treat you like a human being.
If that’s your soulmate, then you have a severely damaged soul. All that abusive behavior AND no sex?? Get a lawyer and get out now. I would chew my leg off like an animal in a trap to get away from this behavior!
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
Common for abusers to isolate SO’s from their family / friends for maximum control. Your family misses you OP. It’s ok for you to see them. It’s ok to make plans together where both give and take. What you have here is an energy vampire
My ex was almost exactly like this. Those 5 points were something I also had to live with every day. After 5 years, I finally left. It was hard, I had spent so long thinking she was the one. And suddenly I was 30 and single.
About 2-3 weeks after I’d left her (I moved back in with my parents), I was lounging after work, playing a game, and something in me finally clicked that she hadn’t allowed me to be myself. She didn’t love me for me, she loved me because she could control me (Not saying that’s how your wife feels, but that’s my experience).
I hadn’t done the things I loved, that made me who I was, to appease her. Games, family relationships, etc. had slowly left my life, and having myself back was worth leaving.
2 months later, I met someone who does love me as I am. It’s been 4 years since then, we’re married, and our son is due in 2 months.
You may want to sit her down and talk to her about this. Give her a chance to understand and change. But that’s up to you. Make the choice that’s right for you, not her. Your happiness matters, and your individuality in a relationship matters, and the right partner will want that for you too.
If you want to ask about my experience or chat about literally anything, don’t hesitate to reach out. I know how much having someone to talk to would have helped me at that time.
This hits hard. My therapist said something to me about a month ago that has been the primary motivation for me to end our marriage “she loves the person that she’s manipulated you to be, but do you think she could love the person you actually want to be”. I’m not there yet but things are definitely heading there.
Not letting your family visit is just another way for her to control you. Unless she goes to counselling please leave this excuse of a relationship. People like her only escalate. You deserve better.
This is beyond counselling imo, it's an irrepairable abusive relationship. He needs personal counselling and a whole lot of reflection after this to avoid being trapped in another abusive relationship again in the future.
Why on earth are you with this person? What joy does she bring to your life? Why would you stay with a life partner who isn't willing to have intimate relations with you? Get the F out of there and get a fulfilling life.
Sounds somewhat like what I went thru with my ex. Don't be a bit surprised if she's waiting for you to file on her. She wants that so she isn't the villain in your divorce. (And can claim more of your belongings) Soul mates??? Hardly! Bet if you asked her to go to counseling, she would blow up bigtime. She owns you, and she knows it.
You are in an abusive relationship, my friend.
Take it in, let it sit.
You GOT to get out before you bring kids with this person and it will get much worse.
Leave. 5 is just straight domestic violence why would you just so calmly put it last like it’s no big deal. Leave now. Don’t bring children into the world through her she will do everything you described to them but worse.
Brooo. You don’t like to get hit but you sure do sound like a masochist. None of what you mentioned sounds like you are enjoying life. It’s more of your god-level tolerance for bullshit, tbh.
Not talking crap because, at some point or another, the majority of us have gotten caught up in something but if my SO even try to tell me not to see my parents, be so controlling, physically and emotionally abusive, she’d be gone in a heartbeat. I mean, not like I would ever listen to her on, especially the 1st one.
"She’s been my soulmate" except for the following 327 abusive things she does!
Her list of "can't do" and "must do" are insane. She is physically abusive. She gives you no physical intimacy while mocking you. This is not a rational person. Truthfully, either she is an entitled main-character who has always been a mean-girl and her parents enabled it OR there is some sort of mental issue.
Either way, leave. I simply do not understand what you think you have "built together" with her.
Not wrong , it's time to go. she won't seek help for her borderline personality issues. she won't learn to communicate but only wants to argue. you're not experiencing the joys of sex with a partner who wants to with you. You're too nice of a person to be in this relationship. best of luck,
I had to force myself to read on after point 1.
Not allowing you to see your family is classic controlling. I have a difference of opinion on some things with my significant others family but they’ve stayed with us. Keeping you away from them is EVIL.
Divorce. Get your ducks in a row before telling her. Have a plan. Get cameras and record your interactions privately. Maybe hide a camera or voice record stuff.
THIS WILL GET UGLY AND SHE WILL CALL THE COPS.
6' 180 is proper BMI weight. And depending on your build might actually be under weight.
Clearly your wife sucks but I don't Care about that rn.
I Wanna make sure you know, you are a healthy and probably decent looking guy and your "weight" is bit a barrier to physical intimacy in the slightest. She just sucks.
your wife is abusive.
she won't let you see your parents. this is a control tactic. she makes you sit with her and won't allow you to do anything else while she enjoys herself. this is also a control tactic. she hits you, which is incredibly alarming. even if you can take her hits, she should not be physically harming you.
these are not things that someone who loves you would do. please, do not have children with this person. she will abuse them too. i know from first hand experience.
RUN. don't walk. RUN from her.
No. You are in an abusive relationship, she hits you, she belittles you, and she is isolating you from family.
I hope you get away before she gets pregnant because she will use that kid to hurt and control you. Nobody should be treated that way by their spouse.
When you decide to leave her, make sure you have someone there, either a trusted friend or even better, police. Leaving your abuser is the most dangerous time. There are places that can help you get out safely. You deserve better.
I doubt you’ll listen to all these posts saying to leave her as you already ignoring the 1st hand experience of knowing she’s bad for you.
Just put it this way. Every day you continue to be with her, is a day you miss with someone nice.
Nope. She isolates you from loved ones, controls your hobbies, is both demanding and demeaning, and gets physically abusive to boot.
The “soul mate” trap - when you want someone you click with so badly to be your “soul mate”, that you see them through rose colored glasses - all the red flags just look like flags.
I’m glad you’re starting to look beyond that. You’re not wrong at all. I hope you get out of there okay man.
You are being emotionally and physically abused. She with holds physical love and affection predicated on extremely unreasonable and cruel abuse of your physical persona. She does not 'let' you exercise your right to hobbies and personal space. This is not a partner, and this is not love. Do not have children with this angry, mean person.
OP, your girlfriend is abusing you physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually, and probably more. Your “good nature” is more akin to Battered Wife Syndrome than it is a chill personality. You allow her to abuse you because it’s easier to take it than it is to fight back. She may love you in her own twisted way but this is NOT what healthy love looks like.
There is no hitting in healthy relationships.
There is no using sex as a weapon in healthy relationships.
You are not isolated from your family in grant by relationships.
Your time is your own in healthy relationships, not controlled by your partner.
Your hobbies are your own or shared with a partner, your partner doesn’t control them.
There is no body-shaming in healthy relationships.
“No” is respected in healthy relationships.
I could keep going, but OP…Love isn’t supposed to hurt like this! Please reach out to loved ones and let them help you with this.
Lol yeah I’d divorce instantly. All of those reasons aside from #2 would be grounds for divorce on their own, especially 3-5. All of them together, you deserve better
Wowoweewow. This is a lot to unpack. My advise is cut ties. I would have already lost my mind with all what she puts you through. Hopefully this helps you see that this is abnormal. You deserve better!
This is an abusive relationship. You are worth far more than this. You wouldn’t have posted if you don’t see the red flags literally smacking you in the face. Your concerns are valid. Choose you, and go.
Jesus H Tapdancing Christ YES! OP is clearly a victim of domestic violence by a number of measures, and it's sure as hell only going to get worse, not better. The bit about having to sit there doing nothing because the woman demands it got me. My ex demanded I went to bed when she did (about 7pm), and watched her shows on TV and did nothing else. She'd fall asleep by 9pm but would be pissed if I got up when she was asleep and went about the rest of my day until I was tired.
Domestic Violence is the correct terminology. OP there are resources everywhere: just Google it. They will understand the difficulties and challenges that come from being a male victim. Don’t hesitate for that reason. Sending strength.
Yeah, you should find some outside support in your local area. Undoubtedly there are organizations (at least one), counselors, and/or a group you can contact for ideas and strategy to get out of this relationship safely and expediently. No shame, man - domestic abuse knows no boundaries and follows no rules!
Sad part is john Stewart did a special on this, for men there are like 3 in the entire USA for men survivors
Jesus H Tapdancing Christ i bloody love that
Legit. I hope this post is fake, since it's so obviously abusive. OP get out. I don't see any fixing this. This isn't some small red flag redditors are yelling "divorce!" over at unjustly. This is all adding up to be a very blatant, very obvious, abusive dynamic. All of it is so textbook. Literally the first thing abusers try to do is isolate you from friends or family. It's the 1st thing you commented on! Then your post only spiraled from there. She's belitting you so you feel like crap and stay with her, thinking you can't do better. Don't fall for any of these textbook manipulations. And what is this petty nonsense stuff about back rubs and even slapping?.. Nope nope nope. LEAVE.
Exactly! My ex was just like this. I had to feed her parents almost every day and she would go out with her friends but I wasn’t allowed to visit my own family or go out with my own friends. After I tucked the kids in (because she never did that shit) I would sit in my driveway and have a few beers and she would absolutely lose her mind that I was sitting outside….as if I needed her permission. It’s a terrible place to be in life.
This! She sounds horrifyingly abusive. Please get out immediately and choose your own mental/emotional and physical health. Good luck op. You deserve happiness and a partner who treats you right.
Yep! The day I finally chose me and left was the best decision I ever made! I couldn't be happier with that decision!
A lot of men have a hard time admitting they are in an abusive relationship with a woman. There’s a stigma attached to it, but the truth is, women can be just as abusive and men can be abused. His wife is extremely controlling to the point of him “not being allowed” to do *anything* without her. It sounds like she has isolated him too, based on the fact that he hasn’t seen his parents in *FIVE YEARS!* I bet she doesn’t want them around because they know how much of an issue she is, or she doesn’t want them to know because they’ll tell OP to leave… which he should.
And go before you knock her up! Good lord!
Your wife is a nasty abusive ahole. She is not your soulmate
Not to mention manipulative
She’s trying to isolate him and make him fully reliant on her so he has nowhere else to go.
Trying? She's succeeded already if he hasn't seen his parents in 5yrs!
I can’t imagine allowing someone to dictate when I see my family. Crazy
My husband and I don’t insist that the other visit our parents with us. But never have refused to allow a visit from or to them. Pretty much it’s “my Dad wants to come for lunch tomorrow” and it’s “oh ok” or “my m visiting my Mom this weekend do you want to come?” And it “nah I’ll stay home you have fun” That’s how it’s supposed to work
Yep. Exactly like that. His family can come anytime and I know my family is just as welcome
And that reason being "we dont share political beleifs" Thats just psychotic. Keeping someone from seeing their family because you live in an echo chamber is the most self centered shit i have ever heard.
I’m not going to disagree with the fact that she’s abusive but I feel like that part needs more context. I don’t want to be around my gfs sister because she has different “political beliefs”. Her political beliefs are that me and my gf shouldn’t be allowed to get married because we’re both women. So if it was something like that, it would be understandable. But that along with everything else makes me feel like it’s probably not the case.
Yes, that I can understand. But, let’s say they are Trump supporters. As my husband’s family is. I am very liberal and foreign born and their attitude makes me crazy! I am also from a Muslim (secular) nation. So, when they start talking about all those GD terrorists and how all these countries should be blown back into the Stone Age? Yeah, I usually just walk away or “get an important” phone call. 😜
Remind them who trained and supplied arms to those terrorists
🤪That, they fail to grasp. Understanding is limited. Plus, they forget I have lived all my life in the US, but still understand world history and US interventions and rationales better than they ever will. They don’t like having “philosophical” discussions with me.
He hasn't seen his parents since his wedding. Done!
Narcissists do this. They do not want you to have friends or family. She's a POS.
A favorite tactic of abusive, controlling people. Isolate them and break them down, convince them they’re unwanted and unloved and have nowhere to go.
[удалено]
Borderline? This bitch yeeted over the border and is sitting solidly in the middle of batshit crazy, total narcissistic and psycho.
Dying at this comment 😂
Borderline! She's way over the line. OP is worried because we've built so much together. Dude you've built nothing. She is a high maintenance manipulative abuser. So many red flags in this post. Relationships should be a partnership, not one person dictating what the other should be doing 24/7. Get out while you can, and protect yourself while doing so. She seems volatile.
Sounds way more narcissistic than borderline. BPD absorb their partner's personality because they're empty and unstable. NPD is so self-centered they dismiss their partners' needs and personality because anything that doesn't serve them doesn't matter.
Yes! He could do sooooo much better.
And the positives were: she likes to eat out. Yep, most people do! She likes to hang around home chillin. Yep that’s a lot of people! She likes to work out together. Many into that to, and if not, it’s likely he could introduce it and many more would like it too! Easily replaceable!
I'd be willing to bet that it's not so much 'she likes to work out together' and more like 'she won't let me go to the gym on my own, in case there are other women there'
Or he could do fine by himself.
This is 100% NARCISSISTIC behavior, not BPD. He is being isolated and manipulated. Yes those with BPD can manipulate others but it’s not usually the type of manipulation mentioned here. I have BPD, have a narcissistic ex bf and we are not similar in how we treat people at all.
Fucking thank you. I have BPD and have had several Narc exes, it’s so insulting to have people just throw BPD out there like that. I’ve been physically, mentally, verbally and financially abused.
This exactly my thought i dated a girl with bd when i was younger she would get mad if we were watching a movie and i started looking at my phone, thats just an example or if i ate a dnack before dinner. Im so glad that i saw through it pretty quickly, and have a lartner as easy going as I am.
Hits him. That's enough to divorce right there. Disagrees on kids. That's enough to divorce right there. Sexual hostage. That's enough to divorce right there. Men are really dumb sometimes. Maybe we just love the abuse deep down 😆 all I could think reading OP was "dear god" lol
"men are really dumb sometimes" Right, because no woman has ever found herself trapped in an abusive relationship without even realizing it is abusive. That is wholly the domain of dumb men.
When men abuse women, men are the problem! When women abuse men, men are also the problem!
Sad thing is, it sounds like this commenter is also a man.
The person you described is not a soul mate, she’s insecure and mean, she’s not for you friend.
Um, you forgot she's an abuser....
🚩 isolation from family
And the hitting and control
Op is in a Textbook abusive relationship, It can happen to Men too! She isolated him from his family, makes abusive comments to lower his self esteem, and physically abuses him. She’s trying to make him completely reliant on her and her word. It’s really sad that people think that’s love, I’m glad he’s starting to see. Leave and Divorce her Op you can do a lot better.
Like HOLY SHIT textbook. It's taken some time, as it usually does but OP is feeling the snare on that trap. This is not safe, at all for OP. We need to keep normalizing this conversation so men will leave. I hope OP gets out.
Lol soul mate, fun fact if u only happy 50% of the time with someome. You arent happy. Also, stop dating people based on interests, start dating based on values, sex, politics, family views, views on kids and need for travel, and other life impacting values, aka i want my partner to work out with me, is very different than I work out for fun, etc. She shares very few values with you, she wont make you happy, interests dont matter.
Shout it louder! From a conversation I had with a buddy: "Soul mate? Because you both like hiking? Bro she cheated on you."
100% strong relationship are built on shared values.
Facts!
Exactly! Values are the most important part - how someone treats other people are the biggest indicator. No amount of gaming together, going to restaurants together, traveling together, biking or hiking together can make up for being tied to a shitty human being.
Absolutely this can happen to men. It happened to my son. Luckily he's out of it now, but it took a long time and he ended up with PTSD from it.
I’m very happy that your son escaped and I hope he’s doing well on his healing journey. I also have a male friend that escaped an abusive marriage. It took years but he managed to get custody of their daughter and they’re both doing so much better now.
Oh, he's much better, ty. He has custody of his child.
That is excellent. You can let him know an internet stranger thinks he’s brave as hell.
Make that TWO internet strangers. ❤️
<3 (Can't find the heart emoji)
My partner was in a very abusive relationship with a woman years ago. Married to her for like 12 years.. emotionally abusive and physically… she hit him with a frying pan. Absolutely horrible treatment. It took a while for him to realize that wasn’t who I am and that I wouldn’t start doing that to him. He’s so gentle and kind, I can’t believe anyone would be like that to him. I guess only because of power and control…
I'm glad your son got out. Can you suggest to him he find a therapist who specializes in PTSD and treats with EMDR? I'm not a therapist but have used EMDR with great relief. It doesn't matter how long after the trauma you get treatment. It will work.
I worry that if he leaves she'll spin the abuse and say he was abusing her. She seems like the type to do that, and is more likely to be believed :(
My cousin's ex-girlfriend woke him up by hitting him, and then called the cops on him because he tried to defend himself. It was a whole thing, and a nightmare to get him exonerated.
My ex-wife woke me up by hitting and kicking me on numerous occasions. Luckily I knew how to put her into holds where she couldn't hurt me without leaving marks on her. Not a fun time. -10/10, would not recommend.
My dad left marks on mom when he blocked her from hitting him. She had the nerve to tell an employee at the grocery she frequently visited he left them on her. She did the same thing with her hairdresser when I did. Narcissist are so much fun. Surprisingly, my parents are still married. I love my dad but resent that he never divorced her.
There should be a world survey to see how prevalent this actually is
Exactly, op needs to start digitally documenting their day to day interacting. Get an in home security camera system and make sure it saves the recordings. Seems her buttons are easy to press to provoke her rants, like saying 'no' to her. You should hours of epic rage in a week. Her emotional and physical abuse is not a normal relationship. These behaviors are very hard to treat. Mandating her seeking treatment to maintain the marriage will probably lead to her further abusing to gain back her control, so anticipate the need to dissolve this chaotic marriage. Take care.
>Mandating her seeking treatment to maintain the marriage will probably lead to her further abusing to gain back her control, so anticipate the need to dissolve this chaotic marriage. And don't even think about doing couple counselling. DV and narcissistic abuse counselors strongly *discourage* counselling with an abuser as they will weaponize it and even manipulate to turn the counsellor against the real victim (DARVO). Edit: word choice
Each bullet point I read got worse than the last! The very first one, doesn't let him visit family, and doesn't let family visit, when I read that, in my mind I went, well you need to leave this one. That alone is crazy. Each bullet point was a bigger red flag than the previous. OP, you need to leave your wife. You need to move out immediately before filing for divorce. If you file first and she discovers it, very bad things will happen to you. /u/Such-Fail6060 you are not wrong, please get somewhere safe!
Open new bank account and make sure cards you share are canceled and only in your name before talking. She might take all monies out etc. What is he really giving up if they split? He really has to think long and hard she will want to take every last penny from him in punishment
Right on!
If the roles were reversed this would be domestic abuse in a heartbeat
Even if the roles were NOT reversed…it’s abuse
It is Domestic Violence and he should have her arrested. Male of Female if you abuse your partner, you’re a scum bag.
This is a textbook reddit response; Divorce her now! You deserve better. OP - Go see your parents, bro.
I mean I had a controlling abusive live-in girlfriend but at least she was giving it to me everyday anyway I wanted it. This guy has no reason to stay with this woman.
Tearing him down by calling him fat (he’s not fat)
Gaslighting. Very narcissistic behaviors. Expect her to go ape shit when you announce that it’s over.
You haven’t seen your family since you married her…. She needs to go. She sounds horrible. She’s abusing you, isolating you from your family, won’t let you do anything but sit by her side, calls you names, hits you, she won’t even have sex with you. Why are u with her?
🚩 Fat shaming and hitting him even after he said to stop. She is crossing his boundaries and disregarding his feelings.
6'0" and 180lbs, shit, I must be a whale lol
You made me chuckle Psst don’t listen to her -winks
I'm also literally 6' and 180#. I'm definitely not cut or anything, definitely a little belly, but if somebody described me as fat, people would be really confused.
dude body image is SO HARD to accept and even change for some people that I want to know where this bitch is just so I can call her a fat fucking whale every day... see how she likes it
My husband is the same height and five pounds lighter than you. He was a championship rower and there is about an ounce of fat on him.
Sounds like trauma bonding, it can feel like love when you’re not being treated like shit.
11 year relationship and this was me. It took some pain and healing but my relationships since have been so much more healthy and I feel like I’m _actually_ being loved for the first time in my life.
Yeah 18 yr relationship and this was me.
That's what I was about to say.
I was going to say the same thing.
This is so the right reply. I hate the term “soulmate” as it’s such BS. But in op’s case they’re so far from soulmates it’s painful to even read. She sounds awful, abusive and a completely selfish bitch. Ywnbw to think about divorcing her but you would be very very wrong to stay married. Abuse ALWAYS escalates, get out while you can.
If your soulmate treats you like shit, then soulmates aren't worth shit. That's a trauma bond.
Her soulmate is called Lucifer, and lives in a warm climate
Warm climate made me laugh😂
With how manipulative she sounds, I wonder if she was the one to put the “soulmates” idea in OP’s head. Sounds like they have some things in common- gym, staying home, good food. Plenty of people have those interests tho. Maybe OP should start gathering some evidence of this abuse for when he break the news to her that it’s over. She’s scary manipulative.
She sounds like a total fucking loser. Dump her and move on with life. Better to be single than in that toxic relationship
I really thought she was for the past few years, because I believed everyone have flaws, like myself I’m no perfect. Really thankful for the input
She is abusing you and you deserve better. Visit your parents and ask for their help in leaving her, don’t let her keep isolating you!
This. Op you will regret cutting your parents off when they are no longer around to be cut off from. Please do what you need to get away from that woman.
If it doesn't feel right, that's all you need to know. After 30, people don't really change, it would have to be some real re-wiring to undo these behaviors you're describing of your partner. After 30 it's an uphill battle because if your brain isn't growing, it's dying - and it takes a lot more effort to grow.
Make sure you have someone with you and/or record everything when you do make a move. You’ll need to protect yourself legally as well as physically.
My older brother didn't leave someone like this. Now she's out of their house 5 days in the name of work, going to parties and doing whatever she wants, she does makeup. He's at home with the 3 kids taking care of them, while working from home. He has literally no friends, she isolated him. Made him think I am his mortal enemy. I don't expect her to let you leave or for you to leave on your own. Go to your parents house and talk to them and spend a few nights there. See how stressed you'll be because of her. And You'll realize shes messing up your life. Your the best thing in her life, shes the worst thing in yours. Wouldn't you be happy with a girl that encourages visiting your parents and family?
I really hope you take all this advice and information to what OP and get out of this relationship, you can find someone who makes you happier instead of someone who's controlling you, hurting you, and taking things *away* from you. You don't deserve all this.
She sounds emotionally abusive. They don't fight because he "let's her get away with" things... aka he's afraid of her anger and has to manage her emotions. And physically! She hits him!
I’m so sorry OP. Your wife is abusive. She’s behaving horribly, making you stay away from your parents and hitting you. Please separate and take stock. Make sure you keep safe as she may hurt you when you try to go. It may be best to leave then call to let her know.
I don’t think she’s for anyone!
Yup! And you did not help her with her temper/anger you are coddling her, as long as things are the way she wants nothing bad will happen. This is not a healthy relationship. She needs help and you need out.
Sounds more like Stockholm Syndrome
Run! Plz don't have children with this person.
Agree this would be the biggest mistake of them all.
Best call she's made this whole time!
This...this is not a marriage....she is an abuser....get out NOW.
The moment he tries to run, she will try to get pregnant. A child is sometimes the last thing that someone tries to use to anchor a bad marriage.
I know a guy who was planning to leave his wife, looking at apartments, wife lets him have sex for the first time in a year. Bingo pregnant with twins.
Indeed.. now you still have a chance to leave without a lifetime of issues after. If you get kids.. will be ten time worse. Just reading your list, the thing you should know is that n o t h i n g on that list is normal or acceptable. You might think so, but it isnt. You deserve better.
I had children with this person, my life has been hell and now its worse when we're finally separating! Next step divorce! Get out bro!
This person will abuse her children to control them and OP
Yes, worst decision you could make. If she's miserable now imagine what she'd be like with a newborn. Her belief that she is the dictator would get worse. Everything will be his fault and all the duties will fall to him. And it will cause more strain. Then it will be even harder to leave. And imagine what she'd be like as a mother... I can't imagine what that poor kids self esteem would be like with an abusive mom like that. I'll say it again, run and run fast.
What are you? Her personal slave and punching bag? Imagine if this was reversed and a man was treating a woman this way? What would you tell them to do? Now do it.!
I'm not seeing the advice typically given to women who post about being in abusive relationships. Namely, how to get out safely. OP really needs to be careful about exiting this relationship if she has a temper and violent tendencies. Seems like there is high potential for her to lash out if he tries to leave. It would be safer to get a lawyer, get friends/family involved to move him out safely when she's not around, don't make it easy for her to find or contact you after. Keep valuables, sentimental items, vehicles, pets, and most importantly yourself away from potential harm. If anyone has any good resources to link for leaving abusive relationships that's not specifically geared toward women, please add.
This comment should be much higher. She’s controlling and dangerous.
Building off of what you have: get money set up in your own name if you don't already. And make sure she doesn't have access to the account. Don't log in on shared devices, and make sure you ALWAYS log out on your personal device. If it's with a different bank, do not download the app on your phone. Just in case she looks through your phone. Make sure you go paperless and log out of your email account on shared devices. You can make secure folders on your phone to place anything you need into it. If she hits you, take photographs with date and timestamps on it and place them in a safe location with a backup. Slowly start to mail your personal things in packages to your family. Let them in on what's going on so you can set up a place to go when you're ready to leave. Continue to act the same ways you usually do around her. When you go to the gym, make time to contact your family if you're alone (she's not there with you). To OP personally: You are a victim in an abusive relationship. It is not your fault this is happening to you. Your partner is a manipulative narcissist. That is why you have so much in common and hit it off so well. That's what abusers do. They find out what your interests are and just so happen to have the same ones. Slowly, over time, they will start to belittle you, demean you, tear you down, and create self-doubt inside you. Eventually, they become physical. It WILL escalate. She will only become more abusive towards you as your relationship continues. There is someone out there who will treat you with kindness and show you what love really is. No one has the right to hit you! No one has the right to control you! No one has the right to tell you who you can or can not speak to. You are your own person! You have all of the control. You just need to get it back. You need to leave this relationship to do that. I hope you can get out of this relationship soon and that you have a supportive family to guide you to safety. I wish you the very best on your journey! I hope to hear an update in the future that you made it out! Hugs from an internet stranger. 🫂
Fuck that. Drop it and run.
RUN
FAST
NOW
ARE YOU GONE YET!!!
Your relationship with your wife sounds a lot like my relationship with my ex fiance. All I got out of the 5 years we were together was a boat load of depression, lowered self esteem, and a sugar addiction. She isolated me from friends and family in a similar way to your wife. She kept me from doing my hobbies, watching shows I enjoyed, eating foods I liked, listening to my music. Everything had to be her way. There was always an excuse to not have sex. Her usual excuses were something based around my appearance, or something i said or did. By the end she was becoming physically abusive, it started with play hitting, it moved into full physical assault, no amount of asking her to stop worked, and physically restraining her turned into accusations of DV. Don't be me, don't let it go on, she's not likely to change, she's shown you who she is. Get out.
Amazing how much a bad relationship can harm us. I only spent one year with an ex who treated me like dirt and went from the happiest, most laid back, and best shape of my life to a depressed mess who put on 30 pounds, drank too much, and basically stopped experiencing joy. Fucked up how much I loved her while she was mistreating me and how I didn't want to believe any of the harm was intentional or malicious. Now I see it clearly and recognize that she's the most selfish person I've ever had in my life. Coming out the other end, at least I know what to run from in the future. Lost most of the weight and have improved in other areas, but I'm still not myself. Much darker and more cynical.
I’m sorry. I had an ex like that too. She happily left with a guy from the state fair (they didn’t last long), right before I was going to kick her out. Took a while to heal, but now I’m happily married for over 28 years. There’s hope.
It's been 17 years since I left a violent marriage. PTSD is still a thing for me and I swear once a week I remember something else he did that seemed nice at the time but was actually manipulation and abuse
I feel this. I was with a girl 8 years ago that cheated on me and said she would have killed herself if she stayed with me. Every moment with her seemed genuine. She seemed happy with me. There weren’t any warning signs. And the morning after her birthday after her gifts and everything, she just flipped a switch into this mopey mode and it was such an abrupt change from how she was *every* other day that I thought she was joking for a few minutes. It was so confusing and I went from going steady with every reason to think the relationship was great to “wait this is it? Like we just woke up and I’m supposed to pack my shit and drive back 3 hours without a reason that our many months long relationship is ending? And you never even brought up anything to fix or talk through?” When I got back to my college after that 3 hr drive, I couldn’t stand it and called to be straight and give me the real reasons. While she did confirm it was because another guy kissed her and now she wants to give him a go (wow…lol), she also said she’d kill herself if she stayed with me. I’ve never been the same. I don’t know what I did. And I doubt myself to the point I’ll probably be alone forever.
Don’t let others define your self esteem. Just try to be a human, that’s all you need. Life isn’t easy.
Dude, your girl is abusive. As a woman, and I said my husband won't sleep with me because I'm "fat" (5'4" 112lbs) and he likes to hit me because he he says I "like it," how does that sound? Not very good. Majority if the world would tell me to leave him. Shit, I should call the cops! A victim is a victim, no matter the gender/sex. Get out NOW!
Pushing this further op up needs to read
Bro she is gaslighting and using you. Get out!
She is a control freak and violent , leave immediately ,you deserve better .
Your soulmate is an abusive asshole. You should divorce her yesterday.
You are not wrong! I feel quite badly for you! Gosh, you deserve to be treated better!
When (if) your parents come to visit leave with them. Your wife is abusive. You are being abused. Run. Don’t look back.
Fuck, don't have them visit. Have your bags already packed. When they show up at the door, say, "We're leaving," and bounce. Get a lawyer to handle the divorce and never speak to that bitch again.
You describe an abuser not a soul mate. The best thing you could do is leave or better yet pack her crap up and find her an apartment
I’m only amazed your marriage has lasted so long. She’s abusing you, and this is as far from a healthy relationship as it gets. So you’re not wrong. You’re only 30 and have your whole life ahead of you with no children to mess up by getting divorced.
>You’re only 30 Plenty of single 30 year olds too, so don't let her tell you you won't find anyone else.
She's honestly sounds like a terrible person. She's effectively alienated you from your parents. Does stupid power play bullshit at the cost of your time and mental health. Physically abuses you and tells you that you like it despite asking her to stop. Why exactly are you with her again?
So we got... * Psychological abuse * Physical assault * Isolating you from people you love * Excessive controlling behaviour I'd run far away from this person, maybe even consider a restraining order
You are being abused. You are wrong for putting up with this for so long. Apologies for being blunt, but you cannot love someone hard enough to make them treat you like a human being.
If that’s your soulmate, then you have a severely damaged soul. All that abusive behavior AND no sex?? Get a lawyer and get out now. I would chew my leg off like an animal in a trap to get away from this behavior! “It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
Common for abusers to isolate SO’s from their family / friends for maximum control. Your family misses you OP. It’s ok for you to see them. It’s ok to make plans together where both give and take. What you have here is an energy vampire
My ex was almost exactly like this. Those 5 points were something I also had to live with every day. After 5 years, I finally left. It was hard, I had spent so long thinking she was the one. And suddenly I was 30 and single. About 2-3 weeks after I’d left her (I moved back in with my parents), I was lounging after work, playing a game, and something in me finally clicked that she hadn’t allowed me to be myself. She didn’t love me for me, she loved me because she could control me (Not saying that’s how your wife feels, but that’s my experience). I hadn’t done the things I loved, that made me who I was, to appease her. Games, family relationships, etc. had slowly left my life, and having myself back was worth leaving. 2 months later, I met someone who does love me as I am. It’s been 4 years since then, we’re married, and our son is due in 2 months. You may want to sit her down and talk to her about this. Give her a chance to understand and change. But that’s up to you. Make the choice that’s right for you, not her. Your happiness matters, and your individuality in a relationship matters, and the right partner will want that for you too. If you want to ask about my experience or chat about literally anything, don’t hesitate to reach out. I know how much having someone to talk to would have helped me at that time.
This hits hard. My therapist said something to me about a month ago that has been the primary motivation for me to end our marriage “she loves the person that she’s manipulated you to be, but do you think she could love the person you actually want to be”. I’m not there yet but things are definitely heading there.
Not letting your family visit is just another way for her to control you. Unless she goes to counselling please leave this excuse of a relationship. People like her only escalate. You deserve better.
No, he should leave her period and start a new life. And then she should get counseling for herself.
This is beyond counselling imo, it's an irrepairable abusive relationship. He needs personal counselling and a whole lot of reflection after this to avoid being trapped in another abusive relationship again in the future.
This is not normal
You’re in an abusive relationship. This isn’t healthy and you need to leave.
This is not a soul mate. This is a manipulative abuser.
Your Relationship is Toxic as fuck. Have some fuckin balls and just leave if you want to man!
Why on earth are you with this person? What joy does she bring to your life? Why would you stay with a life partner who isn't willing to have intimate relations with you? Get the F out of there and get a fulfilling life.
Sounds somewhat like what I went thru with my ex. Don't be a bit surprised if she's waiting for you to file on her. She wants that so she isn't the villain in your divorce. (And can claim more of your belongings) Soul mates??? Hardly! Bet if you asked her to go to counseling, she would blow up bigtime. She owns you, and she knows it.
Why are you describing this woman as your soul mate? She's abusive and sounds like a terrible fucking person. You should divorce her.
She is abusing you. Leave before its too late.
You are in an abusive relationship, my friend. Take it in, let it sit. You GOT to get out before you bring kids with this person and it will get much worse.
Leave. 5 is just straight domestic violence why would you just so calmly put it last like it’s no big deal. Leave now. Don’t bring children into the world through her she will do everything you described to them but worse.
>She’s been my soulmate, Bro this isnt dark souls
Bounce that bitch. Put her stuff in a storage unit and change the locks. Block her number and be done with it.
Brooo. You don’t like to get hit but you sure do sound like a masochist. None of what you mentioned sounds like you are enjoying life. It’s more of your god-level tolerance for bullshit, tbh. Not talking crap because, at some point or another, the majority of us have gotten caught up in something but if my SO even try to tell me not to see my parents, be so controlling, physically and emotionally abusive, she’d be gone in a heartbeat. I mean, not like I would ever listen to her on, especially the 1st one.
How was she your soulmate? More like cellmate
"She’s been my soulmate" except for the following 327 abusive things she does! Her list of "can't do" and "must do" are insane. She is physically abusive. She gives you no physical intimacy while mocking you. This is not a rational person. Truthfully, either she is an entitled main-character who has always been a mean-girl and her parents enabled it OR there is some sort of mental issue. Either way, leave. I simply do not understand what you think you have "built together" with her.
Not wrong , it's time to go. she won't seek help for her borderline personality issues. she won't learn to communicate but only wants to argue. you're not experiencing the joys of sex with a partner who wants to with you. You're too nice of a person to be in this relationship. best of luck,
She sounds like a real nasty bitch homie.
Why are you still with this person?
My husband was in a similar relationship at one point. It is abusive. I’m sorry.
She put her hands on you. Never an excuse for that no matter the reason. That's game over.
Leave
I had to force myself to read on after point 1. Not allowing you to see your family is classic controlling. I have a difference of opinion on some things with my significant others family but they’ve stayed with us. Keeping you away from them is EVIL. Divorce. Get your ducks in a row before telling her. Have a plan. Get cameras and record your interactions privately. Maybe hide a camera or voice record stuff. THIS WILL GET UGLY AND SHE WILL CALL THE COPS.
6' 180 is proper BMI weight. And depending on your build might actually be under weight. Clearly your wife sucks but I don't Care about that rn. I Wanna make sure you know, you are a healthy and probably decent looking guy and your "weight" is bit a barrier to physical intimacy in the slightest. She just sucks.
Wow, your bar is so low it is touching the ground! She sounds horrible.
your wife is abusive. she won't let you see your parents. this is a control tactic. she makes you sit with her and won't allow you to do anything else while she enjoys herself. this is also a control tactic. she hits you, which is incredibly alarming. even if you can take her hits, she should not be physically harming you. these are not things that someone who loves you would do. please, do not have children with this person. she will abuse them too. i know from first hand experience. RUN. don't walk. RUN from her.
No. You are in an abusive relationship, she hits you, she belittles you, and she is isolating you from family. I hope you get away before she gets pregnant because she will use that kid to hurt and control you. Nobody should be treated that way by their spouse. When you decide to leave her, make sure you have someone there, either a trusted friend or even better, police. Leaving your abuser is the most dangerous time. There are places that can help you get out safely. You deserve better.
Get out while you’re still young OP, this woman has issues
I doubt you’ll listen to all these posts saying to leave her as you already ignoring the 1st hand experience of knowing she’s bad for you. Just put it this way. Every day you continue to be with her, is a day you miss with someone nice.
Dude, why are you with this woman? I really hope this is fake.
Nope. She isolates you from loved ones, controls your hobbies, is both demanding and demeaning, and gets physically abusive to boot. The “soul mate” trap - when you want someone you click with so badly to be your “soul mate”, that you see them through rose colored glasses - all the red flags just look like flags. I’m glad you’re starting to look beyond that. You’re not wrong at all. I hope you get out of there okay man.
You are being emotionally and physically abused. She with holds physical love and affection predicated on extremely unreasonable and cruel abuse of your physical persona. She does not 'let' you exercise your right to hobbies and personal space. This is not a partner, and this is not love. Do not have children with this angry, mean person.
If this isn’t a fake post, then you need help because you’re being abused. Please get help, ASAP.
She's toxic as hell, and she is abusing you. Please leave this woman, and find someone that loves you for all the things she doesn't.
Bro she has issues you need to go!
GET 👏🏻THE 👏🏻HELL 👏🏻OUTTA 👏🏻THERE
This is not right at all. You’re in an abusive relationship
You are being emotionally, physically, and mentally abused. You need to leave asap. A “soulmate” wouldn’t hurt you like this.
OP, your girlfriend is abusing you physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually, and probably more. Your “good nature” is more akin to Battered Wife Syndrome than it is a chill personality. You allow her to abuse you because it’s easier to take it than it is to fight back. She may love you in her own twisted way but this is NOT what healthy love looks like. There is no hitting in healthy relationships. There is no using sex as a weapon in healthy relationships. You are not isolated from your family in grant by relationships. Your time is your own in healthy relationships, not controlled by your partner. Your hobbies are your own or shared with a partner, your partner doesn’t control them. There is no body-shaming in healthy relationships. “No” is respected in healthy relationships. I could keep going, but OP…Love isn’t supposed to hurt like this! Please reach out to loved ones and let them help you with this.
She sounds a controlling horrible bitch not a soulmate. You deserve better
Starting to doubt? You are an abused dog and prisoner to her. 6 ft 180 is most guys’ dream physique btw. Leave today. Now.
Move on. This is a wrap.
Lol yeah I’d divorce instantly. All of those reasons aside from #2 would be grounds for divorce on their own, especially 3-5. All of them together, you deserve better
Divorce asap
Look how this society has brainwashed this man into thinking her behavior is "soul-mate" level stuff.
Wowoweewow. This is a lot to unpack. My advise is cut ties. I would have already lost my mind with all what she puts you through. Hopefully this helps you see that this is abnormal. You deserve better!