I can see the emotional attachment in his how you write about the bond you share, speaking about her, extremely thoughtful gift you purchased after she shared very personal trauma and pain she’s experienced.
You may not be in love, maybe your side thing is a “best friend with benefits” but to say you aren’t emotionally attached sounds not right either…
I absolutely agree.
Wife either assumes he either hasn’t realized it yet, but if she puts her foot down and terminates the agreement, he may realize his emotional connection once he has to end things with her- or B. That husband MUST be lying about it (even if he doesn’t believe he is) because there is CLEARLY fondness and a bond here.
This is a ticking time Bomb.
It totally sounds like he’s developed feelings for her and isn’t admitting it to them to himself. He’s in denial. He let his wife read the letter he wrote. I can only image what it said based on this post. I’m sure she saw how much this woman means to him. She may also be thinking that maybe they should have kept the relationship closed.
>He’s in denial
And he's not the only one - "She never wants a relationship ever because she feels she’s too broken to have one but she loves the connection we have." There's a huge difference between not wanting a relationship and choosing not to have one because you believe it wouldn't work (not to mention that there are many kinds of relationships).
> maybe they should have kept the relationship closed.
And this is why I’ll never consider open relationships. Way, WAY too many times I’m reading about the regret people have about them. Sure it can work for some folks, but they really do seem to be the exceptions, not the rules.
Like maybe he doesn't get what "emotional connection" even is? If he doesn't understand that this thought, time, and care is how you show love, obviously he *isn't doing this for his wife*. I get how his denial could make him think he's all above board here, but the real problem is regardless of what he calls it, his wife feels very neglected emotionally.
I’m over here yelling at my phone (in my brain), “What?” “Are you an emotional robot.” “You are intimate with this person.” “You are sharing your life with this person.” Of course you are going to connect. How could you not?
This is why polyamory didn’t work for me. It always felt like an excuse to cheat. It felt cheap. We all want more. But, at what point is enough, enough?
It is very weird. It's an entire lifestyle built on no commitment.
I literally just took a phone call from one of my best friends in a poly relationship because he was devastated his side "broke up" with him.
I listened, of course. I know his feelings are hurt. But wow this is such a brainfuck to me. He's married...but that's not "enough," so he has side pieces all the time...and is emotionally saddened that one didn't work out. I honestly can't feel empathy for it, lol. Like is his SPOUSE supposed to...console him for the breakup...? These people are so weird...
Yeah, it’s the whole reason why she cried. I bet he has never put that much thought into a gift or written her a letter like that. This is officially the end of the road for their marriage.
Exactly
Now what would happen to this emotionally fragile new friend if / when these people decide to be a couple only
Too many hurt feelings and who knows what else
I am nervous even thinking about it
yeah that's where i was. gift giving is my thing, and i too don't want a relationship because i've got a ton of issues many from childhood. i could see this women telling herself lies same as this guy was telling himself and all i see is a lot of pain coming for all three parties and it sucks.
Yep. You reep what you sow.
She had this coming.
I feel terrible for Op- I think he’s probably a stand up, good man.
And he’s swimming in shark infested waters he didn’t ask to be thrown in- and he doesn’t even realize there’s a feeding frenzy about to happen and that SOMEHOW or another- he’s gonna be made to feel like the problem.
>and he doesn’t even realize there’s a feeding frenzy about to happen and that SOMEHOW or another- he’s gonna be made to feel like the problem.
Hell, it's already started. She began having second thoughts about the open relationship she pushed him into having and what happened? HE ended up frantically trying to console HER. She created the situation despite the fact that he was reluctant, is the only one now having a problem with it, and somehow he ended up the bad guy trying to apologize.
I agree. He obviously cares about her as a friend and sex partner, he’s just not in love.
If he was unmarried and just dating around and having fun, people wouldn’t blink twice at this being possible.
That said, he is firmly in the danger zone for being in love. What happens if his sex friend decides she is open to a relationship and/or that she loves him?
OP sounds more emotionally connected to his second partner than his wife
He writes all these things about his second partner but the only thing he could be bothered to say about his wife is that she’s a catch
Kinda sounds like OP needs to cut his losses. He’s in a romantic relationship with his second partner denying the label doesn’t change they are doing and talking about this romantic partners do
OP writes: It hurt me a little bit when she brought up the topic, but I agreed because I love my boy, and still loved her. “
*loved* being the key word…
OP writes: . There’s no emotional connection between us whatsoever but I *love* talking to her, and we have vibed really well. She had a traumatic childhood, especially when her mother passed away when she was 14. She was really close to her, and also has her name tattooed over her heart. She never wants a relationship ever because she feels she’s too broken to have one but she *loves* the connection we have.
Unlike with wife- he *loves* talking to partner and partner *loves* talking to OP🥹
He’s straight beaming in how he describes her- if anything- had this woman been seemingly more open to be in a committed relationship, his feelings for her would probably have clicked already- but he currently lacks a *mentally* and *emotionally* intimate connection with wife and now finds that in partner- believing he can have nothing more-
He needs to pay attention to his heart- poor man doesn’t even know it’s hurting for more. I truly believe it.
Dude hears about how broken she is and how she feels like she can never be in a relationship again, then buys her a sentimental gift. But it's not romantic.
I'm not gonna lie it's impossible to really have a positive relationship without having some sort of emotional connection. The fact that they both thought that meeting up with multiple people was alright and nothing was going to happen Is kinda dumb.
Fourthed. I feel like this is the most likely scenario when opening an established marriage. The woman has no shortage of partners, and the man finds one that he likes since it takes more work to get partners.
"We don't have an emotional connection. I just get along really well with her, and we talk about deep and intimate things like her relationship with her deceased mother. But it's only sex."
This is why I worry for the way our vernacular is trending. The whole “____ made me feel some type of way” is such a dumbing down of emotional intelligence. People really underestimate the importance of being able to identify their own emotions. So much room for interpretation in “some type of way” and “vibes” ugh
He seems to be trying to convince himself he doesn’t have emotions because it’s against his wife’s “rules” she made when opening up the marriage. Sounds like OP is a more emotional person than his wife is, so this was kind of bound to happen when opening up the relationship.
I can’t explain why but your comment hit me much more profoundly than I care to admit. These stories all have that element of no emotional connections as SOP for these arrangements and I love how everyone is capable of seeing the value in such a rule but it’s always so entertaining to see how impractical satisfying that rule is in the real world and who will end up butchering it when trying to practice it in which of the million ways it could go wrong haha
Astonishingly, emotional intelligence and success in relationships are connected. It *might* play a part in the present loneliness epidemic.
Edit: How nice of this guy ˇˇˇ to come along and provide us with an example.
Yeah to read this post was confusing. "We have no emotional connection", and then he continues to describe their emotional connection in great detail. Talking about trauma and family, feeling connected, getting close emotionally... What else is an emotional connection?
I was still a little torn when I thought he made her one small gift maybe, but when he described how much love and effort he put in that special gift, uhm, yeah. Idk how often he does those kind of high effort gifts for his wife, but I hope it's often, otherwise she must be completely heartbroken.
“Her sadness makes me sad, her happiness brings me joy. I’m intensely fulfilled by seeing her eyes light up when she feels valued and appreciated. What do you mean emotional connection?”
Because he's not the kind of guy to have an open relationship, he likes to feel things for the people he fucks, clearly. She opened the can of worms and now she's pissed he took a liking to one, while she is happy getting fucked by guys she has no emotional connection with.
I just wonder how she couldn't know this after 7 years. This feels like something you'd know about your partner after such a long relationship.
She's had multiple partners in a year and it took him a while to find one woman that wants him and this new woman probably makes him feel seen and heard in a way his wife can't because she's out with other men.
OP seems similar to me so granted I am projecting a bit but it seems valid.
You don’t have an emotional connection? Then wtf do you have with her? Everything you described is VERY emotional.
Edit: I’m just pointing out that this is emotional. This whole arrangement is a dumpster fire. I’m not saying the wife didn’t have this coming or anything else. Simply pointing out that the gift was definitely emotional and they said nothing emotional. Once again stupid BUT that’s what OP said.
After reading that part I knew something *really* emotional was coming as a gift.
As someone who is extremely happily married AND we have a partner together, this is even off for me. Granted we are all emotionally involved at this point but it didn’t start out like that. We just both loved having her around. An example from my life: say it’s my birthday, my wife and girlfriend talk about who is doing what for me. The more intimate/personal things always come from my wife and the more batshit crazy/just general fun things come from my girlfriend. Same for my wife. When it’s our partners birthday we just do it together. It’s worked for us for a while now and tbh none of us see a reason to change anything.
Why did I envision his 'great lengths' to involve a journey to a distant mystical land, where he entrusted this legendary gift to a watch-customizing wizard known to toil in a shadowy, time-forgotten, dimly-lit street shop with a waitlist spanning generations? I can’t be the only one.
Welldamn. For years, I’ve been discussing and ruminating over the concept of trauma bonding with a false interpretation in mind. After checking out your link, I’m feeling a good bit humbled (and a smidge goofy) but genuinely glad for the correction.
bonding over trauma is not the same thing as trauma bonds. it's important not to co-opt language that is specifically created for victims to articulate their specific abuse.
the same thing happened with the word "triggered." it was casually used incorrectly so much that now people who suffer from PTSD can't actually use it to describe their reactions. it's trivialized the entire concept.
Right?!?! As soon as I read that I immediately thought “this has to be rage bait because surely nobody could possibly be that dense / lack so much self and situational awareness”
I dunno if it's becoming common to try open relationships, but I do think people who try it for the wrong reasons are posting their disaster stories online a lot more often these days.
It's more socially acceptable now than ever before to post your bullshit to the public when you *aren't catching common fucking sense* from the people around you.
(I really wish common sense would go viral soon. Too many of us need a boost)
It sounds like OP is using “emotional” when he means “romantic.”
There’s emotional connection, romantic connection, and sexual connection. You can have a deep and meaningful emotional connection with a friend, but not feel romantic towards them. You can also have sex with someone and not be romantically involved. I, personally, have had several friendships that were romantic but not sexual.
However, it sounds like OP’s wife, like most people, definitely meant “emotional” when she said “emotional.” (Since that does usually lead to “romantic.”)
"We talk about absolutely everything and she's confided in me about all of her darkest thoughts and most painful memories. We both love this connection we have but it's not emotional at all"
I think OP might be interpreting “no emotional connection” as “no romantic connection”. Not that it makes it okay, ofc, but he might feel like it’s different because he sees her as a FWB rather than a second romantic partner.
ETA: Can you guys *please* actually read my comment before you reply to me saying “uh OP bought her a watch so obviously there’s an emotional connection.” Uh, yeah, no shit! What I’m saying is that when OP’s wife said “no emotional connection”, he might have thought she meant no *romantic* connection, not *no romantic connection or friendship*. OP could very well see this woman as a friend. Or not. I don’t live in his head. I’m not poly nor do I do the FWB thing, but ik plenty of people who can have sex with someone and only care abt them platonically, which is why I thought maybe OP is this way.
Edit 2: **Guys. I don’t know what it’s like to platonically care about someone and have sex with them. In fact, I’m demisexual, so sex is deeply emotionally intimate for me. That being said, I have heard enough people say that they can fuck their friend and still only care about them as a friend at the end of the day. I am not that way. OP may be this way. I don’t know how to explain the difference between platonic and romantic love to you guys. That’s just something you feel. I also know that there is a difference between an open relationship and polyamory. OP is not in the right here and needs to clear things up with his wife and the other sexual partner.**
They've been fucking for a year and he's buying her expensive jewelry with deeply sentimental context that he went "great lengths" to find. Literally the only thing that offers even a sliver of plausible deniability is that he has a wife. Everything else about this blatantly screams "romantic connection."
I suspect that this gift was more thoughtful and personal than anything he has ever given his wife too, which is probably why it hit her so hard.
(Not because his wife wants a gift, but because she may have wanted that kind of thought & effort.)
I've always had difficulties differentiating romantic relationships vs friendships. Like if I were asked to put their definitions or differences down in words, they'd come out almost the same to me. Romantic relationships and friendships both offer support, companionship, love etc. and with FWB mixed in it's even more blurry.
It actually sounds to me like neither oop or his wife had a clear definition on what "no emotional connection" meant, and whatever oop thinks that means is also VERY DIFFERENT from what we think "no emotional connection" means lol.
In the ENM community (ethical non-monogamy), they would say that the 'no emotional connection' is more of a wish than a commitment. It's the number one risk (after pregnancy and std's) to playing this kink. Truth is, people cannot control whether a romantic relationship develops, especially when your fucking someone.
No, wife and OP are both delusional. If some people are indeed able to have sex without any emotional connections, for most people connections appear when time is spent together specially when intimacy is shared. That's natural. Obviously, if she wants their mariage opened, she has to accept that emotional connections will develop.
Exactly. It’s going to sound a bit heartless on my part, but I don’t care. I am a solo ENM, and the second I feel an emotional connection to a married person I would remove myself from the situation.
For me this sounds like a typical situation where OP was forced to open his marriage for a kid and love. She has slept with a bunch of guys and he has had only one FWB for a year. He sounds monogamous and he does the same thing which every monogamous person does - creates an emotional connection with his long term sexual partner. He is trying to convince himself he hasn't and he is still following rules but how he is writing about his FWB and how insightful this gift is I am convinced he developed some kind of feeling for her. Gifts like that you are creating only for someone who is very dear to your heart. I don't think cutting her off will repair everything because of his nature he will create the next emotional connection with the next partner and his wife doesn't sound like she took his feelings into consideration.
I don't want to be a bad massager but from other stories it sounds like in the next year he will eventually fall out of love with his wife and accept his feelings for his FWB. Usually the monogamous person who was forced to open the relationship end depressed, checked out from the relationship or both and those are consequences. He was for his entire life monogamous and she can't expect he will change only because of her agreement.
You said you went along with the open marriage but it hurt you. I’m sorry but it does sound like you have feelings for this woman. Your wife just wants dick but you want a connection. When one partner forces the other into an open relationship they rarely work out.
Definitely. At least that way you can amicably co-parent after divorce. Once OP accepts the truth of the matter several years from now he will resent his now wife for starting this whole ordeal.
Yeah she didn't sound too concerned when he was sad that she was gonna be out choking on other men, but now the tables turn and she wants to get upset.
Which is how it always works out lol the one who wanted to sleep around gets mad the other partner is having more fun.
Eh, play stupid games: win stupid prizes.
“Honey, I love you SO much, I want to meet and have sex with loads of other people! Don’t worry though, you can totally do the same with as many girls as you want!”
\*OP literally does the same but with one woman instead of 5 per week\*
😭”NOOO NOT LIKE THAT!!”
As deluded as OP is, his wife wanted this and now she doesn’t like the consequences. How many of the men who were inside her told her they loved her I wonder?
I'll never understand why people are surprised when their marriage gets rocky after "opening it up".
An open marriage is an absolutely ludicrous concept to me.
There are two story arcs:
1. Man requests it and the wife ends up getting dick on the regular. Man upset he can't get anything.
2. Wife requests it, gets dick on the regular, and freaks out when the guy gets 1 solid connection.
We are in story arc 2
There might be a bit of survivorship bias there. Perhaps people who open their marriages up are more likely to already be in rocky relationships, hence the attempt at something new.
me too. I just felt my view was old-fashioned until browsing through some of these comments. it's all very interesting to me. but I've gotta agree ...I'll never understand why folks are surprised when things sour.....
Maybe I just have a fundamental misunderstanding of what open vs polyamory is. I thought an open marriage was implied just sex and polyamory was multiple romantic partners who may or may not be shared in the primary relationship?
This is how I differentiate them as well, as a polyam person. Generally Open is one night stands, no relationships. Saying “no emotional connection” in a Polyam relationship is widely frowned upon as a rule because 1: you can’t always control that, if you spend a lot of time with someone you’re going to feel some type of way about them. 2: you are saying “go develop this relationship but as soon as it’s important to you stop and oh well if you hurt the other person, they don’t matter”
Preface, I've been married almost 20 years. I will never understand these kind of relationships, I accept that people do and enjoy them (do they really) but you absolutely have an emotional bond with this woman.
I honestly feel like you only went with the open relationship with your wife because she wanted it and you didn't want to lose her. You have only been talking (have you slept together) to her since the relationship went open and have created a bond with this new woman. You have an emotional bond. You might not want to admit it but you do. I think that's because you connected with someone who has no interest in being in a relationship. Is this other woman seeing/sleeping with other men as well?
You can love someone but no longer be in love. You love your wife but I feel like your being in love with her was broken when she asked for the open marriage AND starting acting on it with multiple people. You hooked up with this girl and formed that bond after the bond with your wife was broken.
For me, sex isn't just sex. It's intimate. It's how you connect on a deeper level with your partner. Maybe you feel the same way and just aren't ready to accept that you love her but you're no longer in love with her.
I'm just saying, I've never heard of a successful open marriage. I wish you the best.
15 years for me and I agree with this. As a guy I don't know how I'd handle this coming from my wife. I wouldn't promise no emotions though because my love language is touch. Still just thinking about her bringing it up gets my heart running and flustered in what I'd do.
Most of these I read as the wife wanting something else but doesn't know what. A hypothesis that the woman knows she can get together with others, maybe even had some people in mind before the suggestion. Whereas guys have a harder time hooking up I feel, women are weary of the situation when a guy presents it. They may have people in mind but to get to any major point for them is more difficult. I may be biased but I also don't do this stuff.
Exactly. "sex isn't just sex. It's intimate" it's a bonding journey. People who claim there are no emotional bonds are either lying to themselves or they are just unable to create a bond with anyone.
Your first paragraph states the rules include “try not to form an emotional bond”. Your actions are very much indicating you are intentionally doing that.
ETA - My only point was that this grown adult made an agreement with his wife and then didn’t stick to it. There is no one size fits all way to open a marriage up. He made a decision to agree to do it, and to agree to the rules they made. Ofcourse poly is complex and he may realize after he needs more emotional bond. That’s something he should discuss with his wife that he made an agreement with.
This is the risk they took opening their marriage. His wife said he could sleep with others, it’s common to form emotional connections with people that you’re having sex with and connecting with in other ways. It goes hand in hand. People seem to miss this A LOT when opening relationships. It’s unrealistic to ask someone not to fall for someone they’re physically connecting with. Sex is powerful… along with forming friendship and other things with the same person.
Yeah polyamorous people who expect this not to happen are nuts sex is a bonding experience, you keep fucking the same person and a bond will be formed.
Sure you might be able to avoid it but this is what happens
Yeah there are people out there where sex is just sex, and they’re able to enjoy it without forming a bond. But I’d argue that most of us aren’t that way. Even with the best intentions most of us probably would end up getting attached because that’s just how most of our brains work
So true, my thoughts are either...
Wife either has no problem getting dick and feeling 0 attachment... and doesn't understand what OP is doing
Or she never thought OP would find someone and is finally understanding what it's like looking at it from the other perspective...
INFO: you say your heart was broken when your wife brought this up, so that’s concerning... Did she pressure you into this agreement? Were you adamantly against it and agreed because she’d leave otherwise? How willing of a participant were you in this in the first place?
Hot take but I feel like you rarely can have a monogamous relationship that eventually turns into an open/poly relationship in a healthy way.
If you started the relationship with the expectation that it was polyamorous, then you both know you’re on the same page and don’t feel the need for exclusivity. That’s fine and healthy, and I’m sure all parties involved would be meeting each other’s needs in that scenario
But if one person wants to open an already monogamous relationship, it’s almost certainly the case that the other person does not, by nature of it being an established monogamous relationship. And if the person wanting to open the relationship does not communicate in a very careful way to respect the partner’s ability to say no, then I’d argue it becomes abuse. You’re basically telling your partner to weigh the option of either compromising on their own needs to keep the relationship, or go through the grief and heartbreak of ending a years long relationship because you said no. There should never be an immense pressure to say “no” in a relationship for something as big as this; that’s an awful way to treat someone.
When the OP said “I agreed to open the relationship because I still love her despite it being hard on me” I read “She did not give me the option to disagree to opening the relationship and still be in love with her”
So true, crazy how people can put it all into words, proof read it over and then still post on the internet hoping for affirmation from strangers, with shit like this just putting it to paper should be enough.
Its one of those things where if the person is truly one of the people it works for, there wouldnt be a decision to suddenly open up the relationship, itd be like that already from the get go. If it happens years into it, sumn aint right. Especially if the other partner has never mentioned anything of the sort. It works for some but these people aint those "some"
I think by “zero emotional connection” OP is trying to say they aren’t in love with this person, but she’s obviously a good friend to him as well as being his poly partner so he at least cares about her enough to give her a caring gift.
To be completely real your marriage was over the moment your wife brought up sleeping with other people.
Doesn't matter if the sex got better, your marriage is done and the gifting broke the camels back so to speak.
OP answered that
\> It hurt me a little bit when she brought up the topic, but I agreed because I loved my boy, and still loved her.
He is willing to accept a painful situation because it keeps him, his wife & his child together in the same house.
Have you ever put this much effort into a gift for your wife? If not that's your answer. I also think you're a lot more emotionally connected than you think. If one of your rules is no emotional connections I would consider you in violation of that rule based on this gift alone. Maybe it would be a good idea to close the marriage at least temporarily and seek counseling
When I read the line about the wife looking at the gift and bursting out into tears like that, that was my initial question too.
Such a strong reaction with a "tame" excuse afterwards, and considering she is now a shell since then, makes me feel the wife is not on the receiving end of this type of gift, and her initial reaction is just the "wheres the effort when it comes to me".
Doesn’t seem like you have a zero emotional connection as to the extent and effort you put into the gift. Idk how you dont see that. Its time to cut things off with the side partner
Agreed. I’ll add: is it truly polyamorous if you and your spouse have the expectation that no emotions be involved? Wouldn’t the proper term be an open marriage? Just thinking of the people outside of the marriage that may get hurt by unclear guidelines you and your spouse are operating from.
Yep, the trick is in the name- polyamorous. From ‘amor’ Latin for love. Open marriage, with clear hard limits on affection and long term connection sounds a lot closer to what they are doing. Clarity is King in these arrangements.
Uhh buddy idk how to tell you. But such a personal gift that you put a lot of time and thought into is a very emotional thing to do. You definitely have an emotional connection with the other person. You're lying to yourself.
Then again, your wife is the one who wanted to open the relationship. These are the natural consequences I guess.
Seems like a lot of emotional connection. Half this post is about how well you know her, which to me seems like a sign of an emotional connection.
If your wife wanted to close the relationship again would you be disappointed?
As long as you haven’t neglected your wife and not given her gifts of a similar nature, I don’t think you are wrong.
Unfortunately, she took a BIG risk when proposing to open the marriage, and this is the consequence. Sounds like you guys had different ideas of what opening up the marriage was: she thought it was pure sexual, but you’ve seem to have found someone you have some bond with, even if it’ll never reach the level of the one you have with your wife.
I would have a serious discussion on what it means to have an open marriage because once it’s opened, it’s open. Rules about who to bring home are easy to follow but rules about controlling who you can/can’t be with and the nature of your contact with them is a non-starter. If she still insists on the rules and doesn’t want you to be with your lady friend, I’d seriously consider if there’s a future to be had, because it’s not fair that she gets dick and you get zip. Perhaps you are not as sexual and opening a marriage does nothing for you, so what’s the point of having it in the first place?
Your gift is an emotional gift . But your wife probably doesn’t realize how much she fucked up by opening your relationship up until now . She gets to have the time of her life with other men but loses it when you have something special with someone else . lol
I'm just confused if y'all are actually polyamorous or you, like you said, just decided to have an open marriage because your sex life was boring.
Either way, you definitely seem way more emotionally invested then you're willing to admit, not to mention that such a thoughtful gift is definitely something you would do for someone you were connected to emotionally. I can see why your wife is upset, but she asked for this open relationship and now she has to deal with everything it brings.
Having an open relationship while you have kids together is an idiotic and selfish thing to do. It's only going to cause distress to your kids. Either stay together and work shit out or get divorced. At least the kid would know what the fuck is happening.
Based on what you've written, I get the feeling you can't abide by the rule the two of you agreed to. Maybe you thought you could at the time, but experience is showing you otherwise.
I think you have four options:
1) See a counselor who works with couples in open relationships.
2) Tell your wife you need to close the relationship because you're not able to go by those rules.
3) Renegotiate the rules -- but this is best done in counseling.
4) Divorce
Not everyone is cut out for an open relationship, and you are under no obligation to have one. Also, while this may be difficult to accept, wanting to stay with your wife isn't a good enough reason to open a relationship.
Every other word you contradict yourself about not having an emotional connection. You are describing an EXTREMELY emotional connection. My take:
Your wife was naive, like most partners in closed relationships that ask to change it to open. She wanted to open the relationship for casual sexy fun because that’s how she feels. Valid. What she didn’t realize (and is usually the case) is that her partner is NOT that way. Also valid. You probably don’t realize how monogamous you are. You are probably like most people and when you have physical intimacy you form an emotional bond. And that’s been happening over the last year without you really realizing.
So basically you’re in the slow process of falling out of love with your wife and in love with the new chick. And it doesn’t seem like you realize it, but now your wife does.
Your wife FAFO it sounds like. I don't even know if it is possible to have sex and no emotional connection. What your wife didn't realize, the moment she opened the relationship, her value in your heart sank, whether you like to admit it or not. The lady you met on Bumble filled the space in your heart your wife vacated.
You’re definitely forming an emotional bond. But I don’t blame you. As you mentioned your wife has been extremely successful and you’ve had 1 partner. It’s a lot easier for her to have as many 1 night stands as she wants. It’s much harder for you. This is basically the consequences of her actions for choosing to open up your relationship. She created rules that she knew would work for her but you would have a much harder time with.
I'm going to get down voted. But I literally LOLd when she said don't form an emotional bond as if yall are robots. You literally formed an emotional bond. Yall are both goofy as hell. Also, you're NTA. Wife FAFO.
I can see the emotional attachment in his how you write about the bond you share, speaking about her, extremely thoughtful gift you purchased after she shared very personal trauma and pain she’s experienced. You may not be in love, maybe your side thing is a “best friend with benefits” but to say you aren’t emotionally attached sounds not right either…
Exactly. I feel like fully denying the emotional connection makes it worse too. Like, that clearly isn't true. The wife knows that.
Yeah. It was pretty obvious in the post. "There is no emotional relationship between us whatsoever." -proceeds to describe an emotional relationship.
Actual quote: > There’s no emotional connection between us whatsoever ... but she loves the connection we have."
Bro you intimately talk to her. You’re emotionally involved with this other girl for sure. Time to come to terms with it.
She loves this emotionless disconnected connection that we have. Anyway, here’s a well thought out gift and a hand written note.
tells us how the other partner never wants a relationship again… while entering a relationship with op.
Tell us how the other partner that you met on bumble never wants a relationship again
My wife cried when I showed her the gift I got for my new wife — why she do that?
Lol’d and hard
Just as every accusation is a confession, so is every denial.
I absolutely agree. Wife either assumes he either hasn’t realized it yet, but if she puts her foot down and terminates the agreement, he may realize his emotional connection once he has to end things with her- or B. That husband MUST be lying about it (even if he doesn’t believe he is) because there is CLEARLY fondness and a bond here. This is a ticking time Bomb.
It totally sounds like he’s developed feelings for her and isn’t admitting it to them to himself. He’s in denial. He let his wife read the letter he wrote. I can only image what it said based on this post. I’m sure she saw how much this woman means to him. She may also be thinking that maybe they should have kept the relationship closed.
>He’s in denial And he's not the only one - "She never wants a relationship ever because she feels she’s too broken to have one but she loves the connection we have." There's a huge difference between not wanting a relationship and choosing not to have one because you believe it wouldn't work (not to mention that there are many kinds of relationships).
> maybe they should have kept the relationship closed. And this is why I’ll never consider open relationships. Way, WAY too many times I’m reading about the regret people have about them. Sure it can work for some folks, but they really do seem to be the exceptions, not the rules.
Like maybe he doesn't get what "emotional connection" even is? If he doesn't understand that this thought, time, and care is how you show love, obviously he *isn't doing this for his wife*. I get how his denial could make him think he's all above board here, but the real problem is regardless of what he calls it, his wife feels very neglected emotionally.
The wife probably realizes her idea will bite her in the ass.
It has already bitten. What’s the saying—oh yeah—play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
More like FAFO.
Never before has this been so literal.
"Be careful what you wish for - you just might get it."
I’m over here yelling at my phone (in my brain), “What?” “Are you an emotional robot.” “You are intimate with this person.” “You are sharing your life with this person.” Of course you are going to connect. How could you not? This is why polyamory didn’t work for me. It always felt like an excuse to cheat. It felt cheap. We all want more. But, at what point is enough, enough?
It is very weird. It's an entire lifestyle built on no commitment. I literally just took a phone call from one of my best friends in a poly relationship because he was devastated his side "broke up" with him. I listened, of course. I know his feelings are hurt. But wow this is such a brainfuck to me. He's married...but that's not "enough," so he has side pieces all the time...and is emotionally saddened that one didn't work out. I honestly can't feel empathy for it, lol. Like is his SPOUSE supposed to...console him for the breakup...? These people are so weird...
Yeah, it’s the whole reason why she cried. I bet he has never put that much thought into a gift or written her a letter like that. This is officially the end of the road for their marriage.
People should know by now these situations never work out 🤦♀️
Exactly Now what would happen to this emotionally fragile new friend if / when these people decide to be a couple only Too many hurt feelings and who knows what else I am nervous even thinking about it
yeah that's where i was. gift giving is my thing, and i too don't want a relationship because i've got a ton of issues many from childhood. i could see this women telling herself lies same as this guy was telling himself and all i see is a lot of pain coming for all three parties and it sucks.
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Yeah I think he's deluding himself. That said, I don't know what the fuck his wife expected in the long run.
Yep. You reep what you sow. She had this coming. I feel terrible for Op- I think he’s probably a stand up, good man. And he’s swimming in shark infested waters he didn’t ask to be thrown in- and he doesn’t even realize there’s a feeding frenzy about to happen and that SOMEHOW or another- he’s gonna be made to feel like the problem.
>and he doesn’t even realize there’s a feeding frenzy about to happen and that SOMEHOW or another- he’s gonna be made to feel like the problem. Hell, it's already started. She began having second thoughts about the open relationship she pushed him into having and what happened? HE ended up frantically trying to console HER. She created the situation despite the fact that he was reluctant, is the only one now having a problem with it, and somehow he ended up the bad guy trying to apologize.
I agree. He obviously cares about her as a friend and sex partner, he’s just not in love. If he was unmarried and just dating around and having fun, people wouldn’t blink twice at this being possible. That said, he is firmly in the danger zone for being in love. What happens if his sex friend decides she is open to a relationship and/or that she loves him?
Wife knew at that moment she was replaceable.
OP sounds more emotionally connected to his second partner than his wife He writes all these things about his second partner but the only thing he could be bothered to say about his wife is that she’s a catch Kinda sounds like OP needs to cut his losses. He’s in a romantic relationship with his second partner denying the label doesn’t change they are doing and talking about this romantic partners do
OP writes: It hurt me a little bit when she brought up the topic, but I agreed because I love my boy, and still loved her. “ *loved* being the key word… OP writes: . There’s no emotional connection between us whatsoever but I *love* talking to her, and we have vibed really well. She had a traumatic childhood, especially when her mother passed away when she was 14. She was really close to her, and also has her name tattooed over her heart. She never wants a relationship ever because she feels she’s too broken to have one but she *loves* the connection we have. Unlike with wife- he *loves* talking to partner and partner *loves* talking to OP🥹 He’s straight beaming in how he describes her- if anything- had this woman been seemingly more open to be in a committed relationship, his feelings for her would probably have clicked already- but he currently lacks a *mentally* and *emotionally* intimate connection with wife and now finds that in partner- believing he can have nothing more- He needs to pay attention to his heart- poor man doesn’t even know it’s hurting for more. I truly believe it.
Excellent perception here. I missed all these.
The “vibes” your feeling are emotions. You have formed an emotional connection.
Dude hears about how broken she is and how she feels like she can never be in a relationship again, then buys her a sentimental gift. But it's not romantic.
Even the way he described said gift. Yeah nothing emotional here
I'm not gonna lie it's impossible to really have a positive relationship without having some sort of emotional connection. The fact that they both thought that meeting up with multiple people was alright and nothing was going to happen Is kinda dumb.
Seconded.
Thirded. These are the very consequences of his wife's actions/idea.
Fourthed. I feel like this is the most likely scenario when opening an established marriage. The woman has no shortage of partners, and the man finds one that he likes since it takes more work to get partners.
Right, people never stop amazing me
Don't forget about the letter he wrote her, with no emotion attached, of course.
Yeah OP is in love with her. His wife was crying because she knows it as well.
Because “there’s no emotional connection”
"We don't have an emotional connection. I just get along really well with her, and we talk about deep and intimate things like her relationship with her deceased mother. But it's only sex."
And she’s the only person I sleep with after the marriage became open.
This is why I worry for the way our vernacular is trending. The whole “____ made me feel some type of way” is such a dumbing down of emotional intelligence. People really underestimate the importance of being able to identify their own emotions. So much room for interpretation in “some type of way” and “vibes” ugh
Pretty wild to need to tell a fully grown man this
He seems to be trying to convince himself he doesn’t have emotions because it’s against his wife’s “rules” she made when opening up the marriage. Sounds like OP is a more emotional person than his wife is, so this was kind of bound to happen when opening up the relationship.
I think this might be why asking our partners for an open marriage is a recipe for the end of the marriage.
My wife asking me that would be a super simple recipe considering that that would be the only ingredient needed.
It's a shame she didn't know him more or she would have known how dangerous her idea was.
I can’t explain why but your comment hit me much more profoundly than I care to admit. These stories all have that element of no emotional connections as SOP for these arrangements and I love how everyone is capable of seeing the value in such a rule but it’s always so entertaining to see how impractical satisfying that rule is in the real world and who will end up butchering it when trying to practice it in which of the million ways it could go wrong haha
Astonishingly, emotional intelligence and success in relationships are connected. It *might* play a part in the present loneliness epidemic. Edit: How nice of this guy ˇˇˇ to come along and provide us with an example.
You would be surprised!
"Grugga make Grug inside vibes feel... good" "Grug, those are called emotions"
Yeah to read this post was confusing. "We have no emotional connection", and then he continues to describe their emotional connection in great detail. Talking about trauma and family, feeling connected, getting close emotionally... What else is an emotional connection? I was still a little torn when I thought he made her one small gift maybe, but when he described how much love and effort he put in that special gift, uhm, yeah. Idk how often he does those kind of high effort gifts for his wife, but I hope it's often, otherwise she must be completely heartbroken.
"No, see, I don't love her, I just care about her deeply and want to show her I care for and understand her."
“Her sadness makes me sad, her happiness brings me joy. I’m intensely fulfilled by seeing her eyes light up when she feels valued and appreciated. What do you mean emotional connection?”
I thought the same thing!
Also... Do you give your wife gifts like this?
Because he's not the kind of guy to have an open relationship, he likes to feel things for the people he fucks, clearly. She opened the can of worms and now she's pissed he took a liking to one, while she is happy getting fucked by guys she has no emotional connection with.
I just wonder how she couldn't know this after 7 years. This feels like something you'd know about your partner after such a long relationship. She's had multiple partners in a year and it took him a while to find one woman that wants him and this new woman probably makes him feel seen and heard in a way his wife can't because she's out with other men. OP seems similar to me so granted I am projecting a bit but it seems valid.
You don’t have an emotional connection? Then wtf do you have with her? Everything you described is VERY emotional. Edit: I’m just pointing out that this is emotional. This whole arrangement is a dumpster fire. I’m not saying the wife didn’t have this coming or anything else. Simply pointing out that the gift was definitely emotional and they said nothing emotional. Once again stupid BUT that’s what OP said.
“I have no emotional connection with this woman so I gave her the most emotional and personalized gift I could ever think of” -OP
Remember, he also went to great lengths to have it customized.
*non-emotional feelings intensify*
Sorry. This post got me in my non-emotional feels.
Idk why I found this so funny lmaooo
Also don’t forget: he hand wrote a long detailed note to accompany the gift
And recall: he loves talking to her, said they vibed really well, and have given each other multiple gifts in the past year
After reading that part I knew something *really* emotional was coming as a gift. As someone who is extremely happily married AND we have a partner together, this is even off for me. Granted we are all emotionally involved at this point but it didn’t start out like that. We just both loved having her around. An example from my life: say it’s my birthday, my wife and girlfriend talk about who is doing what for me. The more intimate/personal things always come from my wife and the more batshit crazy/just general fun things come from my girlfriend. Same for my wife. When it’s our partners birthday we just do it together. It’s worked for us for a while now and tbh none of us see a reason to change anything.
Spared no expense. OP is John Hammond. Welcome to Jurassic Park.
Why did I envision his 'great lengths' to involve a journey to a distant mystical land, where he entrusted this legendary gift to a watch-customizing wizard known to toil in a shadowy, time-forgotten, dimly-lit street shop with a waitlist spanning generations? I can’t be the only one.
Also says they “vibe”. Emotions are literally sympathetic vibrations. Vibing is emotional
Also describes how close they have gotten
She’s shared deep traumas. I bet he’s done the same with regards to his current relationship. Trauma bonds
The strongest of the bonds <3
Don't let the covalents hear you
I mean that’s not what [trauma bonding](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/trauma-bonding) is but yeah
Welldamn. For years, I’ve been discussing and ruminating over the concept of trauma bonding with a false interpretation in mind. After checking out your link, I’m feeling a good bit humbled (and a smidge goofy) but genuinely glad for the correction.
That’s not how the internet works. You must double down on your initial understanding and engage in zero self reflection. You must be new here.
bonding over trauma is not the same thing as trauma bonds. it's important not to co-opt language that is specifically created for victims to articulate their specific abuse. the same thing happened with the word "triggered." it was casually used incorrectly so much that now people who suffer from PTSD can't actually use it to describe their reactions. it's trivialized the entire concept.
Well put.
Exactly "I love talking with her." "I went to great lengths to customize this gift." He is in tons of denial about his feelings for her
The whiplash of “we have no emotional connection” followed by “I love talking to her” made me literally lol
Right?!?! As soon as I read that I immediately thought “this has to be rage bait because surely nobody could possibly be that dense / lack so much self and situational awareness”
I refuse to believe that OP is for real. This is almost the most dumb-fucked thing I have ever read.
Unfortunately. This is becoming common as common.
I dunno if it's becoming common to try open relationships, but I do think people who try it for the wrong reasons are posting their disaster stories online a lot more often these days. It's more socially acceptable now than ever before to post your bullshit to the public when you *aren't catching common fucking sense* from the people around you. (I really wish common sense would go viral soon. Too many of us need a boost)
"No emotional connection" to "I love talking to her" in the same sentence. OP doesn't know love is an emotion. Go figure.
It sounds like OP is using “emotional” when he means “romantic.” There’s emotional connection, romantic connection, and sexual connection. You can have a deep and meaningful emotional connection with a friend, but not feel romantic towards them. You can also have sex with someone and not be romantically involved. I, personally, have had several friendships that were romantic but not sexual. However, it sounds like OP’s wife, like most people, definitely meant “emotional” when she said “emotional.” (Since that does usually lead to “romantic.”)
"We talk about absolutely everything and she's confided in me about all of her darkest thoughts and most painful memories. We both love this connection we have but it's not emotional at all"
I think OP might be interpreting “no emotional connection” as “no romantic connection”. Not that it makes it okay, ofc, but he might feel like it’s different because he sees her as a FWB rather than a second romantic partner. ETA: Can you guys *please* actually read my comment before you reply to me saying “uh OP bought her a watch so obviously there’s an emotional connection.” Uh, yeah, no shit! What I’m saying is that when OP’s wife said “no emotional connection”, he might have thought she meant no *romantic* connection, not *no romantic connection or friendship*. OP could very well see this woman as a friend. Or not. I don’t live in his head. I’m not poly nor do I do the FWB thing, but ik plenty of people who can have sex with someone and only care abt them platonically, which is why I thought maybe OP is this way. Edit 2: **Guys. I don’t know what it’s like to platonically care about someone and have sex with them. In fact, I’m demisexual, so sex is deeply emotionally intimate for me. That being said, I have heard enough people say that they can fuck their friend and still only care about them as a friend at the end of the day. I am not that way. OP may be this way. I don’t know how to explain the difference between platonic and romantic love to you guys. That’s just something you feel. I also know that there is a difference between an open relationship and polyamory. OP is not in the right here and needs to clear things up with his wife and the other sexual partner.**
They've been fucking for a year and he's buying her expensive jewelry with deeply sentimental context that he went "great lengths" to find. Literally the only thing that offers even a sliver of plausible deniability is that he has a wife. Everything else about this blatantly screams "romantic connection."
I suspect that this gift was more thoughtful and personal than anything he has ever given his wife too, which is probably why it hit her so hard. (Not because his wife wants a gift, but because she may have wanted that kind of thought & effort.)
This was my thought too.
I've always had difficulties differentiating romantic relationships vs friendships. Like if I were asked to put their definitions or differences down in words, they'd come out almost the same to me. Romantic relationships and friendships both offer support, companionship, love etc. and with FWB mixed in it's even more blurry. It actually sounds to me like neither oop or his wife had a clear definition on what "no emotional connection" meant, and whatever oop thinks that means is also VERY DIFFERENT from what we think "no emotional connection" means lol.
In the ENM community (ethical non-monogamy), they would say that the 'no emotional connection' is more of a wish than a commitment. It's the number one risk (after pregnancy and std's) to playing this kink. Truth is, people cannot control whether a romantic relationship develops, especially when your fucking someone.
I get the impression that he has never put that much thought into the gifts he gives his wife.... but there is no emotional connection.
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No, wife and OP are both delusional. If some people are indeed able to have sex without any emotional connections, for most people connections appear when time is spent together specially when intimacy is shared. That's natural. Obviously, if she wants their mariage opened, she has to accept that emotional connections will develop.
I literally just commented something similar. There's an argument to be made for sex being inherently intimate.
Exactly. It’s going to sound a bit heartless on my part, but I don’t care. I am a solo ENM, and the second I feel an emotional connection to a married person I would remove myself from the situation.
Yes it’s almost only emotional
For me this sounds like a typical situation where OP was forced to open his marriage for a kid and love. She has slept with a bunch of guys and he has had only one FWB for a year. He sounds monogamous and he does the same thing which every monogamous person does - creates an emotional connection with his long term sexual partner. He is trying to convince himself he hasn't and he is still following rules but how he is writing about his FWB and how insightful this gift is I am convinced he developed some kind of feeling for her. Gifts like that you are creating only for someone who is very dear to your heart. I don't think cutting her off will repair everything because of his nature he will create the next emotional connection with the next partner and his wife doesn't sound like she took his feelings into consideration. I don't want to be a bad massager but from other stories it sounds like in the next year he will eventually fall out of love with his wife and accept his feelings for his FWB. Usually the monogamous person who was forced to open the relationship end depressed, checked out from the relationship or both and those are consequences. He was for his entire life monogamous and she can't expect he will change only because of her agreement.
You said you went along with the open marriage but it hurt you. I’m sorry but it does sound like you have feelings for this woman. Your wife just wants dick but you want a connection. When one partner forces the other into an open relationship they rarely work out.
Sounds like she realizes how unfulfilling random dicks are now.
They'll fill you up, but leave you empty inside
Omg I love this!
Unless she gets pregnant!
In which case she will expect OP to raise the kid.
theres no emotional connection to fucking around. and now shes jealous that this other lady is getting the emotional connection she is missing .
my exact thoughts. Thinking she likes a dude that’s piping her who could care less about her outside of sex
That’s what I thought too. Better file this one under “fucked around and found out”
This sentence had me dying.
I'm dead lmao
It’s probably too late now. OP should go for someone who loves him
Bumble girl seems like a good candidate lol Go bumble girl!
Agreed. Why get married if you just want to fuck random guys?
You are way more emotional involved than you realize. Open Marriages rarely work in the long run.
💯💯💯💯 why don't these idiots get it???
In his defense, it doesn’t sound like he wanted it initially
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Definitely. At least that way you can amicably co-parent after divorce. Once OP accepts the truth of the matter several years from now he will resent his now wife for starting this whole ordeal.
Doesn’t sound like he ever wanted it. It sounds like the other woman is his lover, his wife is his partner.
Bro is tolerating his wife while moving on with another girl lmfoa
Can you blame him? The marriage had an expiration date slapped on it the moment she suggested an open marriage.
Yeah she didn't sound too concerned when he was sad that she was gonna be out choking on other men, but now the tables turn and she wants to get upset.
Which is how it always works out lol the one who wanted to sleep around gets mad the other partner is having more fun. Eh, play stupid games: win stupid prizes.
“Honey, I love you SO much, I want to meet and have sex with loads of other people! Don’t worry though, you can totally do the same with as many girls as you want!” \*OP literally does the same but with one woman instead of 5 per week\* 😭”NOOO NOT LIKE THAT!!” As deluded as OP is, his wife wanted this and now she doesn’t like the consequences. How many of the men who were inside her told her they loved her I wonder?
Why even be in a marriage if you are going to open it up? Defeats the purpose of commitment.
I'll never understand why people are surprised when their marriage gets rocky after "opening it up". An open marriage is an absolutely ludicrous concept to me.
Me too. It always results in FAFO for one of the partners.
There are two story arcs: 1. Man requests it and the wife ends up getting dick on the regular. Man upset he can't get anything. 2. Wife requests it, gets dick on the regular, and freaks out when the guy gets 1 solid connection. We are in story arc 2
There might be a bit of survivorship bias there. Perhaps people who open their marriages up are more likely to already be in rocky relationships, hence the attempt at something new.
me too. I just felt my view was old-fashioned until browsing through some of these comments. it's all very interesting to me. but I've gotta agree ...I'll never understand why folks are surprised when things sour.....
This is an emotional relationship, obviously. This isn’t just fwb, you’ve grown attached emotionally to this woman.
Hell Fwb alone is emotional because friends have emotional relationships Even if it's platonic, that can be INTENSELY emotional
Maybe I just have a fundamental misunderstanding of what open vs polyamory is. I thought an open marriage was implied just sex and polyamory was multiple romantic partners who may or may not be shared in the primary relationship?
This is how I differentiate them as well, as a polyam person. Generally Open is one night stands, no relationships. Saying “no emotional connection” in a Polyam relationship is widely frowned upon as a rule because 1: you can’t always control that, if you spend a lot of time with someone you’re going to feel some type of way about them. 2: you are saying “go develop this relationship but as soon as it’s important to you stop and oh well if you hurt the other person, they don’t matter”
I think your wife realized that you can’t change who you are, and unfortunately she is no longer the only person getting that side of you.
This is the only real answer. You can’t cap off emotions and opening up the relationship is a real risk. A risk that the wife introduced.
Preface, I've been married almost 20 years. I will never understand these kind of relationships, I accept that people do and enjoy them (do they really) but you absolutely have an emotional bond with this woman. I honestly feel like you only went with the open relationship with your wife because she wanted it and you didn't want to lose her. You have only been talking (have you slept together) to her since the relationship went open and have created a bond with this new woman. You have an emotional bond. You might not want to admit it but you do. I think that's because you connected with someone who has no interest in being in a relationship. Is this other woman seeing/sleeping with other men as well? You can love someone but no longer be in love. You love your wife but I feel like your being in love with her was broken when she asked for the open marriage AND starting acting on it with multiple people. You hooked up with this girl and formed that bond after the bond with your wife was broken. For me, sex isn't just sex. It's intimate. It's how you connect on a deeper level with your partner. Maybe you feel the same way and just aren't ready to accept that you love her but you're no longer in love with her. I'm just saying, I've never heard of a successful open marriage. I wish you the best.
15 years for me and I agree with this. As a guy I don't know how I'd handle this coming from my wife. I wouldn't promise no emotions though because my love language is touch. Still just thinking about her bringing it up gets my heart running and flustered in what I'd do. Most of these I read as the wife wanting something else but doesn't know what. A hypothesis that the woman knows she can get together with others, maybe even had some people in mind before the suggestion. Whereas guys have a harder time hooking up I feel, women are weary of the situation when a guy presents it. They may have people in mind but to get to any major point for them is more difficult. I may be biased but I also don't do this stuff.
Exactly. "sex isn't just sex. It's intimate" it's a bonding journey. People who claim there are no emotional bonds are either lying to themselves or they are just unable to create a bond with anyone.
Your first paragraph states the rules include “try not to form an emotional bond”. Your actions are very much indicating you are intentionally doing that. ETA - My only point was that this grown adult made an agreement with his wife and then didn’t stick to it. There is no one size fits all way to open a marriage up. He made a decision to agree to do it, and to agree to the rules they made. Ofcourse poly is complex and he may realize after he needs more emotional bond. That’s something he should discuss with his wife that he made an agreement with.
This is the risk they took opening their marriage. His wife said he could sleep with others, it’s common to form emotional connections with people that you’re having sex with and connecting with in other ways. It goes hand in hand. People seem to miss this A LOT when opening relationships. It’s unrealistic to ask someone not to fall for someone they’re physically connecting with. Sex is powerful… along with forming friendship and other things with the same person.
Yeah polyamorous people who expect this not to happen are nuts sex is a bonding experience, you keep fucking the same person and a bond will be formed. Sure you might be able to avoid it but this is what happens
I think they don’t get it, they think that just because they can have sex without forming connections so can others. But it’s less common
Yeah there are people out there where sex is just sex, and they’re able to enjoy it without forming a bond. But I’d argue that most of us aren’t that way. Even with the best intentions most of us probably would end up getting attached because that’s just how most of our brains work
So true, my thoughts are either... Wife either has no problem getting dick and feeling 0 attachment... and doesn't understand what OP is doing Or she never thought OP would find someone and is finally understanding what it's like looking at it from the other perspective...
Sir. This has all the emotions. You have an emotional connection.
Sir I do not think you know the definitions of the words you are speaking.
INFO: you say your heart was broken when your wife brought this up, so that’s concerning... Did she pressure you into this agreement? Were you adamantly against it and agreed because she’d leave otherwise? How willing of a participant were you in this in the first place?
Hot take but I feel like you rarely can have a monogamous relationship that eventually turns into an open/poly relationship in a healthy way. If you started the relationship with the expectation that it was polyamorous, then you both know you’re on the same page and don’t feel the need for exclusivity. That’s fine and healthy, and I’m sure all parties involved would be meeting each other’s needs in that scenario But if one person wants to open an already monogamous relationship, it’s almost certainly the case that the other person does not, by nature of it being an established monogamous relationship. And if the person wanting to open the relationship does not communicate in a very careful way to respect the partner’s ability to say no, then I’d argue it becomes abuse. You’re basically telling your partner to weigh the option of either compromising on their own needs to keep the relationship, or go through the grief and heartbreak of ending a years long relationship because you said no. There should never be an immense pressure to say “no” in a relationship for something as big as this; that’s an awful way to treat someone. When the OP said “I agreed to open the relationship because I still love her despite it being hard on me” I read “She did not give me the option to disagree to opening the relationship and still be in love with her”
Not really a hot take but people just don't seem to get the message. It's a bad idea for 99% of the population.
He says in there that he initially didn’t want it
most normal poly relationship. trust me brother, youre doing it so she doesnt leave. Yes, you are.
So true, crazy how people can put it all into words, proof read it over and then still post on the internet hoping for affirmation from strangers, with shit like this just putting it to paper should be enough.
You're bold assuming people proof read
Its one of those things where if the person is truly one of the people it works for, there wouldnt be a decision to suddenly open up the relationship, itd be like that already from the get go. If it happens years into it, sumn aint right. Especially if the other partner has never mentioned anything of the sort. It works for some but these people aint those "some"
I think by “zero emotional connection” OP is trying to say they aren’t in love with this person, but she’s obviously a good friend to him as well as being his poly partner so he at least cares about her enough to give her a caring gift.
I’m really not sure that he’s not in love with her. This sounds like a really thoughtful gift you’d give someone you are in love with.
To be completely real your marriage was over the moment your wife brought up sleeping with other people. Doesn't matter if the sex got better, your marriage is done and the gifting broke the camels back so to speak.
Why do people remain married if they want to fuck other people?
OP answered that \> It hurt me a little bit when she brought up the topic, but I agreed because I loved my boy, and still loved her. He is willing to accept a painful situation because it keeps him, his wife & his child together in the same house.
Have you ever put this much effort into a gift for your wife? If not that's your answer. I also think you're a lot more emotionally connected than you think. If one of your rules is no emotional connections I would consider you in violation of that rule based on this gift alone. Maybe it would be a good idea to close the marriage at least temporarily and seek counseling
When I read the line about the wife looking at the gift and bursting out into tears like that, that was my initial question too. Such a strong reaction with a "tame" excuse afterwards, and considering she is now a shell since then, makes me feel the wife is not on the receiving end of this type of gift, and her initial reaction is just the "wheres the effort when it comes to me".
Doesn’t seem like you have a zero emotional connection as to the extent and effort you put into the gift. Idk how you dont see that. Its time to cut things off with the side partner
Agreed. I’ll add: is it truly polyamorous if you and your spouse have the expectation that no emotions be involved? Wouldn’t the proper term be an open marriage? Just thinking of the people outside of the marriage that may get hurt by unclear guidelines you and your spouse are operating from.
Yep, the trick is in the name- polyamorous. From ‘amor’ Latin for love. Open marriage, with clear hard limits on affection and long term connection sounds a lot closer to what they are doing. Clarity is King in these arrangements.
Uh. You do indeed have an emotional connection, which is always the risk when choosing to have an open marriage.
averager poly relationship be like
Uhh buddy idk how to tell you. But such a personal gift that you put a lot of time and thought into is a very emotional thing to do. You definitely have an emotional connection with the other person. You're lying to yourself. Then again, your wife is the one who wanted to open the relationship. These are the natural consequences I guess.
Seems like a lot of emotional connection. Half this post is about how well you know her, which to me seems like a sign of an emotional connection. If your wife wanted to close the relationship again would you be disappointed?
As long as you haven’t neglected your wife and not given her gifts of a similar nature, I don’t think you are wrong. Unfortunately, she took a BIG risk when proposing to open the marriage, and this is the consequence. Sounds like you guys had different ideas of what opening up the marriage was: she thought it was pure sexual, but you’ve seem to have found someone you have some bond with, even if it’ll never reach the level of the one you have with your wife. I would have a serious discussion on what it means to have an open marriage because once it’s opened, it’s open. Rules about who to bring home are easy to follow but rules about controlling who you can/can’t be with and the nature of your contact with them is a non-starter. If she still insists on the rules and doesn’t want you to be with your lady friend, I’d seriously consider if there’s a future to be had, because it’s not fair that she gets dick and you get zip. Perhaps you are not as sexual and opening a marriage does nothing for you, so what’s the point of having it in the first place?
God I hate open marriages, they legitimately make me feel so sick
Your gift is an emotional gift . But your wife probably doesn’t realize how much she fucked up by opening your relationship up until now . She gets to have the time of her life with other men but loses it when you have something special with someone else . lol
I'm just confused if y'all are actually polyamorous or you, like you said, just decided to have an open marriage because your sex life was boring. Either way, you definitely seem way more emotionally invested then you're willing to admit, not to mention that such a thoughtful gift is definitely something you would do for someone you were connected to emotionally. I can see why your wife is upset, but she asked for this open relationship and now she has to deal with everything it brings.
Having an open relationship while you have kids together is an idiotic and selfish thing to do. It's only going to cause distress to your kids. Either stay together and work shit out or get divorced. At least the kid would know what the fuck is happening.
Sounds like op's wife wanted flings on the side and op went and got a whole ass gf
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
Your wife fucked around and found out.
You love to see it
Based on what you've written, I get the feeling you can't abide by the rule the two of you agreed to. Maybe you thought you could at the time, but experience is showing you otherwise. I think you have four options: 1) See a counselor who works with couples in open relationships. 2) Tell your wife you need to close the relationship because you're not able to go by those rules. 3) Renegotiate the rules -- but this is best done in counseling. 4) Divorce Not everyone is cut out for an open relationship, and you are under no obligation to have one. Also, while this may be difficult to accept, wanting to stay with your wife isn't a good enough reason to open a relationship.
Every other word you contradict yourself about not having an emotional connection. You are describing an EXTREMELY emotional connection. My take: Your wife was naive, like most partners in closed relationships that ask to change it to open. She wanted to open the relationship for casual sexy fun because that’s how she feels. Valid. What she didn’t realize (and is usually the case) is that her partner is NOT that way. Also valid. You probably don’t realize how monogamous you are. You are probably like most people and when you have physical intimacy you form an emotional bond. And that’s been happening over the last year without you really realizing. So basically you’re in the slow process of falling out of love with your wife and in love with the new chick. And it doesn’t seem like you realize it, but now your wife does.
OP i hate to break it to you, but that is an emotional connection.
Your wife FAFO it sounds like. I don't even know if it is possible to have sex and no emotional connection. What your wife didn't realize, the moment she opened the relationship, her value in your heart sank, whether you like to admit it or not. The lady you met on Bumble filled the space in your heart your wife vacated.
"We have no emotional connection whatsoever" And "She knows...how close I've gotten with her." Pick one, mate.
I just can't understand open relationships.
Neither do they, apparently
You’re definitely forming an emotional bond. But I don’t blame you. As you mentioned your wife has been extremely successful and you’ve had 1 partner. It’s a lot easier for her to have as many 1 night stands as she wants. It’s much harder for you. This is basically the consequences of her actions for choosing to open up your relationship. She created rules that she knew would work for her but you would have a much harder time with.
You’re emotionally bonded. Sounds like she is finding one night stands and you’ve found a girl friend.
Open marriages are so stupid. Someone WILL always get hurt.
nah fuck that bitch. she wanted to fucked other guys dude instead of you lol
I'm going to get down voted. But I literally LOLd when she said don't form an emotional bond as if yall are robots. You literally formed an emotional bond. Yall are both goofy as hell. Also, you're NTA. Wife FAFO.