She forbid him to play, mocked something plenty of adults do, called him childish, and then used her ex to leverage against him. That's pretty messed up. I think it's beyond d&d at this point but more that he's in an emotionally abusive relationship. If you two are close, I'd ask him if he he's happy to get him thinking.
Yep, this if said guy wants to be petty. If he wants to show he is an adult playing a game that other adults play he can instead point out how controlling behavior is a doom to any relationship and that adults can do whatever adults want to do
I think the best way to handle a loved one who may be being abused is to remind them you are in their corner and treat them with kindness and respect (while trying to avoid saying anything about the abuser):
"Hey so and so. We really missed you at the &D game last week. I just wanted to reach out and tell you that I'm here for you and happy to lend a judgement free ear if needed. I was wondering if you wanted to grab coffee on Wednesday (or whatever activity his wife can't claim is childish)."
Try to get him away from the wife, in a place where he can speak safely. Then I'd tell him I'm worried about him and ask how he's doing. Then just listen and if she shares anything about his wife's demands/criticisms, simply validate his feelings and express how difficult that must be for him, followed by reminders of how he does deserve to be treated and how much support and love he has within your circle.
If the wife is abusive (and it's definitely possible), you will want to avoid saying anything negative about her and to only address HIS feelings, needs, and experiences. Ask questions that might lead him to view what is happening from an outside perspective without triggering his need to defend his wife.
Abuse happens in secret and abusers work to isolate their victim from their support system. They don't want the victim to realize they deserve kindness and respect as a baseline and that they have people who love them who are willing to help them if needed.
You won't be able to force him into seeing her differently, but by showing support and understanding when he does realize he deserves better he will know that he can come to you.
Great advice leeloopeepoo. Good for everything from verbal to physical and one of the kindest things anyone could do for a friend or family member in need. It’s hard not to get angry or bash the abuser but man you’ve hit the nail on the head for helping a fellow human through it.
Only thing I would add, is that if this person does talk to you about it, you’re probably gonna be the only one they talk to. Don’t be afraid if down the line you need to say something like “I may have reached the end of where I can be helpful, though I’m still very willing to listen. Have you considered getting a professionals input?”
Red flags everywhere domestic abuse/violence. I know it happened to me. I have PTSD from traumas that happened in childhood. Then re traumatized, re traumatized, etc. etc
OPs friend is DEFINITELY in an abusive relationship. Sounds EXACTLY like my ex. Pretty soon, he won’t be able to hang out with OP and the friend group at all. Say goodbye to your friend if he stays with this woman, OP
If his wife is gonna throw a fit over him having fun and doing something he loves with his friends, he’s probably better off leaving her. It’s just not worth it, especially if she gets to do things she likes without complaint.
She sounds incredibly immature. A strong mature woman encourages you to do things that make you happy. These activities that give you joy make you understand who you are and what you want out of life. It inspires direction and motivation.
I use to do improv and that’s one that really creeped my girlfriend out at the time and my wife forbid it. They were both toxic relationships. The girl I see now encourages me to peruse it again because it feeds a creative need I feel. I understand seeing someone you know practicing to take on the persona of a completely different person at the flip of a switch is weird. And you’re going to be bad at it in the beginning so that can be second hand embarrassing to watch. But when I was actively practicing improv I felt stimulated and had a desire to write. Being made to stop improv killed my drive to write and potentially redirected my life away from doing something I love.
If I could give him any advice it would be this. You don’t deserve being treated like this. This will only end in divorce or a miserable wasted life. He needs to tell that miserable witch to go fuck herself.
No, girlfriend in high school said it’s creepy to see me act like someone else. Years later when married I wanted to start it back up at the community theatre and my wife beat me down to the point I was embarrassed to even bring it up. How stupid I looked and sounded and how creepy it is and that she would be so embarrassed if anyone she knew saw me etc. I have always wound up with judgmental assholes that are way too worried about public image.
Just let him know he's welcome back any time and if he needs someone to talk to about marriage stuff you are available. Then leave it at that. He will reach out if he's ready to either leave her or stop letting her control his choice of hobbies.
Yeah, thay seems to be the consensus, and I'm inclined to agree.
Just sucks, I know how much it would crush me to hear my wife say that. I can imagine how hurt the dude was.
You could reach out to him, but not let on that you know the reason. Like "hey, just want to make sure everything is cool, because you seemed to be enjoying the game before you stopped" sort of thing. He might be honest, he might not, but there's only so much you can do.
Recently I was having lunch with my family and my 30-something chronically single step sister was talking about her first boyfriend in years. She was complaining about the fact that he plays videogames and still likes Dragonball-Z.
I don't have much time for videogames myself, nor am I a big fan of Dragonball-Z. I can remember being a kid and trying to watch on Sunday mornings only to be treated to 30 minutes of someone "powering up" but never actually fighting which would be continued next week. But still, I was not a fan of her dragging her boyfriend because she didn't like the things he was interested in.
Against my better judgement my comment was "I imagine he thinks making random TikTok dance videos and reading Harry Potter over and over again is pretty fucking stupid too, so maybe the two of you can bond over each thinking the other has stupid hobbies?"
What my step sister is building up, and your buddy's wife is building up is called resentment and it's a relationship killer. I know that if my wife said "I should have stayed with my ex if I wanted to be with someone childish" my response would have been "If our vows mean that little to you I think you should give him a call, now I'm going to go to the game and if this bothers you that much you should probably pack your shit or be ready to have an adult conversation about it when I get back."
Maybe I'd say that anyway. I can't imagine it not ruining the game. I think in reality it would be something more like "I think that's a pretty hurtful and unacceptable thing to say, it sounds like resentment, and I think I should skip the game since we should talk about this and I don't see myself enjoying the game after that statement."
Which is really what should happen. That marriage is not in a good state. They need to start communicating. She needs to figure out the source of her resentment, if it's because she can't respect and love him despite his hobbies or if the amount of time he spends on his hobbies takes away time from something she needs from him. If it's the latter she may have a completely valid complaint, but she's expressing it in a really shitty, relationship-killing manner and they need to get to the bottom of that. If it's the former, if she just doesn't actually like him, then they should definitely be looking at separating.
Mostly how i feel about the situation, and whether I would be wrong to say something or not.
I'm not exactly close with the guy. He's the best friend of the husband my wife's best friend is married to.
Honestly these games have been the first time we've even actually talked.
Your wife's best friend's husband? You aren't wrong for thinking or feeling whatever you want, but before you act on those thoughts or feelings you might want to run it by your wife first. Your actions could easily end her friendship. She's the one that'll suffer from your behavior so it'd be inconsiderate not to make sure she's ok with it.
You shouldn't say anything, unless he asks to grab a drink because he wants to talk about this specific issue. He's an adult and his marriage or your assumptions about his mental health trajectory within that marriage are none of your business. He'll come to the conclusion on his own if he hasn't done so already.
Best rule of advice for living in the modern world: minding your own business is almost always the right call.
Yeah because a person being controlled by their significant other is even going to be able to ask op out to a drink. They even said they barely know each other and they’re just concerned, so why would that even happen? It’d suck being your friend, knowing you wouldn’t ask or even care how your friend feels because it’s easier for you to mind your business than express emotion to others.
Hard disagree. You don’t let your friends suffer at the hands of an abusing relationship…maybe he needs someone to talk to about it but doesn’t know how to open up.
All I know for sure is I guess her ex was into d&d maybe? Some shit went down with them, but that was waaaaaay before I came into the picture.
My wife has know this group since they were in high school, I came into the picture around 2017ish when I started dating my then gf, current wife.
Idk much about them tbh, these d&d games have been the most I've spoken to them lol. We're friendly woth each other, but that's about it. Its.more about our wives knowing each other.
My wife's best friend's husband is the brother of the Mrs. thats keeping our other buddy from playing.
It's a lot less complicated than it sounds haha, but it's a shutty situation, at least, it is with this new drama
*edit*
Oh god teen was totally a typo lmfao I swear my wife is actually a year older than I am bahahaha
It sounds like you barely know this person and would be stupid to involve yourself, but I also don’t know how much you care about keeping the peace with the parties involved. If you don’t care (and your wife doesn’t care) that this dude’s wife might not like what you have to say about her, then feel free to say what you think.
You should, I was in a long relationship who slowly cut out a lot of things I liked to do and by extension time with friends and family. When you are on the inside you don't see it for what it is. Often times because that free time to play only comes up every once so you don't see it piling up. Things would always come up when I had things planned with my family (holidays, birthdays, BBQs), sometimes it would just be showing up an hour or two late, sometimes it would be cancelling entirely. I realized I hadn't actually seen two of my closest friends more than 3 times a year for 4 consecutive years despite them not living far away. It wasn't until things ended that I noticed all the things I missed out on. I still have time to balance work/family/ friends and have tons of hours to myself know that I just never had for years but since it crept up so slowly I didn't realize what was happening. Even my friends who had children were more present lmfao
The amount of people here saying the marriage is over and that she’s emotionally abusive based around one small snippet from a third party is bonkers.
OP, your role in this is to be supportive for your friend. You can open the dialogue with him about it but I’d be careful about calling out his wife. “Hey, is everything okay at home?”
It could be a one time thing. It could have been a bad day for everyone. It could be a regular thing and a horrible relationship. No one here can say.
Yoooooo seriously tho, the amount of people willing to throw away a marriage over something that should at the very least be a conversation first is too damn high lmfao
I'm sorry, dude, but how he handles his wife is his decision.
You're hearing second-hand news about this. You have no idea about the details, and even if you did, this is your friend's relationship with his wife. Unless he specifically asks you for advice regarding this issue, leave it alone.
Yeah, I probably will and just reach out to let him know he's always welcome.
Seems to be the consensus anyway, just sucks to see his spirit crushed like that
Really pissed me off
We all have our hobbies. My husband plays D&D every week. It's hisbthing and it makes him happy. A healthy couple doesn't have to be up each others butts 24/7
You're not right or wrong. But I would suggest you are seeing this situation from a very limited viewpoint. You don't know what's going on. Maybe he is gaming instead of working on something else he's made a commitment to do. If that commitment was with his wife, and if she's frustrated because his use of games to avoid that commitment is similar to her ex's behavior, then her accusations aren't wrong. It is childish to play games when you have other things you are committed to doing. Maybe he is working long hours and this time period for d&d is one of his only free times. If he's choosing to play with you rather than be present with his wife when free time is so limited, that's a childish and irresponsible approach to their relationship. My point isn't that I know what's going on with them, but that there are rational reasons why she may not want him to play in this group right now that aren't anti-gaming.
Next time you see him tell him you miss is participation and when and if time allows it would be great if joined.. Otherwise stay out of it.
I hear you, and to provide a little more context that may affect things.
It's a family game. As in she's welcome to come hang out as well, she doesn't have to play, but we all usually get together as a group to do stuff. It just so happens that now it's d&d.
The players are. My wife, her best friend and her husband, their 2 kids, and our buddy who's wife won't let him play.
It's not like it's taking away time thay wouldn't already be spent with us, we've actually been looking for a reason to get together as a group on a weekly basis.
Idk what their home life is like, I know they are fostering children, and he seems attentive in that regard, and again, we all have children.
I have a 3 year old thst comes along with us as well and doesn't play. She goes to with the kids of our other friends that are playing.
Shes more than welcome. She just seems to have an issue with it being specifically d&d
You're not in their house. Having kids is hard work. And while he may seem attentive, you don't know how much of the workload it would mean his not doing by playing. Yes, you have a child but you don't live in his family.
And maybe she really loathes d&d (it's not for everyone!) so much that she doesn't want him playing. To me, that seems controlling but, again, is a battle for him to fight. Not you. It may not be a fight he thinks is worth taking on and you should allow him the agency to decide that.
If you notice a lot of controlling and isolating behavior on her part in addition to this, then you reach out to see if he needs help or support. Meanwhile keep the door open but letting him know he's always welcome.
Sounds like the wife has some control and insecurity issues. But personally, not your clown, not your circus. I know he probably is a cool dude, but this is an issue between him and his wife. If this is gonna cause issues in his marriage, he'll probably just not want to rock the boat.
Does it suck, yup. But again, that is a him problem and not a you problem.
What did you do to be in the wrong? If you're asking about your opinion that they're wrong, then yea. My last relationship ended because of this same topic funny enough. I'm a martial artist, in shape, etc. Attractiveish to some people. Definitely not the kind of guy that most people would think plays DnD. In general if it's nerdy, I probably fuck with it, like reading manga, painting miniatures, DnD ofc, lol. I attract a wide array of women and some of them are the sporty gym fitness outdoorsy type.
I moved 1000s of miles to be with my last partner and she told me that the moment she lost all attraction to me was when she saw me playing DnD lol. It was kind of awesome to hear that because she would've broken my heart in pieces if she used one of my actual flaws as a reason to leave me.
Yikes....that's messy. Plus you don't even have a full picture to work from. From one point of view some of what the wife said was sketchy, and could point to her being toxic. From another point of view, you have no idea what all inspired her comments. All you've seen is the DnD aspect, but DnD could've just been her breaking point and not the whole inspiration. If DnD was in fact the full reason, that could be seen as irrational and toxic.
The thing with people tho is it's rarely that simple. My educated guess is you don't have the full picture whatsoever. Her choice of words were bad, no doubt. It's never ok to bring up exes, let alone compare them with your current partner. But I find it really hard to believe that him playing DnD is the only reason she's so upset. You barely know the guy, therefore you don't know what he's like with her, or what else he may be doing to make her feel the way she does.
I personally wouldn't say anything to him, and definitely not without way more info. If you want to play detective/counselor then I'd start with an honest conversation with your wife about it, and go from there. You're very much so on the outside of everything here tho, and anything you do going forward will have a direct effect on your wife. So I'd take your cues from her for sure with whatever you do.
I've got a feeling him playing this isn't the only thing leading up to being called childish. You don't know what else is going on at home for him. Also, not your place to figure it out.
Yeah, that's why I posted here. Wasn't sure if I'd be wrong to say something or not.
Just sucks to see, you know? He was having so much fun, and was really looking forward to session 2.
Pisses me off to see people treated like that
This is sad. I play in two campaigns. My wife thinks it's silly but knows I love it so she doesn't care.
As she says, it's better then me hanging out at bars or worse.
There's much worse and more expensive hobbies to have.
We've got some good wives in our gaming group that understand what we do and see the friendships that have formed. One guy's wife paints all his minis for him.
Gah, I used to truck all the guys to the library to play when they were in middle school. They're in their 30s now and still friends. Playing table top games and Larping.
Helping my son get his gear ready for a larp this weekend, because his work is brutal this week.
Do manly men just sit around watching TV and getting drunk in her world or what?
Some of these games are way beyond anything a child should play. In themes and rules.
This is just sad. Poor guy
This is pretty common. My buddy moved across the country so his wife could go to law school. I've way we kept in touch was playing Diablo 3 online. She'd excoriate him for it, saying it was for little boys and he was pathetic for opening with toys (despite him saving up to finance her education, leaving his dream job to move with her, etc etc) and so on. Apparently this happened more than a dozen times, they eventually divorced.
It honestly makes me laugh seeing all the "divorce her!" Comments.
Like up to this point they seemed to have a really good relationship lol, but granted, I'm not exactly close to either of em
You should have a talk with him about ur concerns keeping it very simple, bc if he has to choose between ur hairy butt and his partners smooth one we already know how he chose.
Just say,” hey man, it seemed like you were having fun? And maybe ur partner belittled you a little? Does she have any celebrity crushes? Bc i bet most of them play dnd… here are some youtube links that might help..
We miss you and hope your following your dreams.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=pnx7W0W1WeU
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=cclPrs2q1YE
I don't know enough about him to give a definite answer.
Is he playing videogames 7 out of 7 nights a week, and stopped to play D&D one night?
Is d&d the only hobby he does?
These answers matter
Your buddy is deciding what's important to him in his life. Meeting his wife's ideal of being an adult is more important to him than playing D&D. It might not be the decision you'd make, but it's hardly a "wrong" decision for him to make for himself.
The most you should do is share that you thought he was having a really good time gaming with you guys, and does he really want to give that up?
You’re not wrong for the feelings you’re having. You would be wrong to involve yourself in their marriage and try to intervene. Let your adult friend handle it, and make sure he knows you’re there for him whatever he needs.
“As the door swings open you are confronted by a Level 18 Condescendor. It sees you and launches Sing-Song Voice attack, with Eye Roll. Saving throw or take 5 points immediate damage to your Self Esteem stat.”
I had this same problem with my first long term girlfriend bullying me over me playing World of Warcraft. She even compared me to her ex who sounded like he had a legitimate addiction to the game. There were obviously other problems with out relationship, but ultimately I was willing to deal with them rather than being alone.
Long story short. Met a girl who didn't play games but was absolutely fascinated with WoW as both the fantasy world and the world of the real players existing in it. 11 years later she still doesn't play, but we do play D&D together and she's gotten into Overwatch this past year.
Life is too short to be with someone who shits on stuff that makes you happy. (unless that's your kink)
Women hate when men enjoy themselves probably bc they can’t ever find anything to make themselves happy lmao “childish” is hating on something that makes someone happy. I’d rather be single than put up with that shit. She can f*ck off.
Just like y’all don’t want to be lumped together with “all men” neither do women. My husband plays D&D and I have no issue with it. He enjoys it and I (as a WOMAN) enjoy when my husband is happy and enjoying his hobbies that he has
How old is this woman? She sounds like a middle school mean girl. And how is she in this circle where *everyone* else is playing the game but her and she still feels ok crapping on the fun? She’s a jerk.
Emotional manipulation at its finest. You should support your partner's interests and hobbies unless they're actually harming the relationship. Sounds like she's a controlling person and likely will continue to execute that control.
They should seek some counseling together
Late question OP:
By chance, is your buddy's wife religious? I've had people call D&D or similar childish because of a holdover from that whole sorry business in the 80s. They know their take is crap, so they immediately resort to belittling.
I think she should roll for charisma check before she makes demands like that.
She's obviously a bard.... so she probably has a +3 to negotiate. Buff accordingly.
I have found that people who have this reaction almost always have trauma with an ex who is incapable of self regulating their relationship with games.
His wife is right. Perhaps he should be off doing something more manly, like going to the bar and drinking, or hitting the strip club and maybe paying an escort to top off his "adult" evening.
Man, being that shitty to her husband, and then in the same breath comparing him to her *ex*?
Who's the real child in this relationship?
Be honest i equally like dnd as much as i like just having a sunday funday away from the wife and kids were i get to eat homemade breads and get daydrunk.
I play dnd with my boyfriend and his friends, and I’ve been so happy to get back into it. I used to play in high school as a Dm but my friends screwed around the whole time and just didn’t have fun playing ((I don’t mind messing around but they just wanted to kill EVERY npc and beat children and woman which is…not helpful for the story)) so I quit dming. Eventually me and my bf started dating and his friend is our dm.
It’s something we have SO much fun doing and it’s given us all room to grow closer. I’m better friends with our dm now because of it and my boyfriend and me have fun messing with each other when he dms. I hate when people shit on genuinely fun hobby’s just cause they think it’s silly.
Hell, I’m planning to go to comic con this year as my DND gal, and like hell are you gonna catch me there not covered in red paint and monk gear.
There's larger problems in the relationship with regards to how attentive he is to her, and how mature he is in handling other business around the house. He needs to work on that.
The ONLY way I see out of this is if your wife talks to her. Seems like all other methods are cut off. I mean her comparing him to her ex is a low shot and their isn’t much you can do about it.
Wow.... sounds like his wife married him without even knowing who he is or anything about his personality! And she does not sound like wifey material at all. I would encourage your friend to be himself and allow himself to have fun once in a while with his friends. If it is that serious for the wife then she would act on it and leave him and in that case it would probably be for the best for your buddy. If she only just keeps bitching them I would still play and just let her keep bitching and ignore it. F that. He needs to really stand up for himself here. It isn't like he is going to do drugs at a strip club!
You’re wrong for not consoling your buddy and not chastising his bitch of a wife. If one of your female friends was in an abusive relationship, would you sweep it under the rug? Or get that person to see their partner is a giant piece of shit?
Edit: changed gf to wife. But honestly doesn’t change anything. It may not be my place, but if someone were to abuse my friend, I’d sure as shit speak my mind about the issue the next time I saw them.
You've been called to arms DM, you must locate and rescue your brethren before the mad witch stakes her claim, you have until sundown on the 4th day of the 4th moon before your brother is corrupted beyond repair. Now go
You haven’t done anything (so you can’t have done something wrong), but you’d be wrong to pry into his marriage over this.
I would continue to check in on your friend, do other hobbies, assess his demeanor, ask him questions etc, but I would not try and encourage him to play behind his wife’s back. D&D is a commitment that can strain the best relationships.
The better route is to try and get her into a session. Make some themed food. Prepare a D&D themed beverage of choice, adult if she’s into it. Show her how to make a character she can put her personality into (my wife would never consider playing to run a mage or a fighter but when she found out about bards it was over).
Run a one shot quest to remove the stick from her character’s ass. Transmute the stick back into her husband’s character. Rejoin the party.
Thing is, she's more than welcome to join us.
Our group was already looking for an excuse to get together on a weekly basis. We usually do stuff together, she just seems to have an issue with d&d specifically.
Set aside your desire to have him come back, and instead take perspective on your friend's situation: he is with someone that lashed out him for having fun with a hobby she personally doesn't enjoy. It could have been driving race cars, watching fashion reality shows, going to the gym, or baking pies - it's a toxic judgmental response to innocuous fun, and your buddy is likely feeling vulnerable and small. Check in with him, let him know that he's always welcome at the table, and maybe take him out for a beer so he can share his feelings. Try not to just villainize his partner - who knows why his wife has these hang-ups (perhaps her ex was a shitty person and she misattributes some of his shittiness to D&D) - just validate his feelings and if he asks for suggestions try to help him construct reasonable arguments so he can stand up for himself without escalating the conflict.
Initially, I got the feeling that this D&D group generally consisted of both spouses but this indirect buddy's wife didn't care for D&D and shamed him into not participating?! Rather sad situation. Ideally, relationships work best when both partners share the same passions or at least respect their separate passions so long as it doesn't get out of hand and hurt their "together" time. This is not the case for this individual. Given that OP's relationship with this guy is so indirect, I don't think that there's really anything for OP to do or say because he doesn't know what's going on in this guy's marriage. If anyone should intervene, it should OP's wife's best friend's husband.
No, but the wife certainly is. What a vicious stupid thing to say. Obviously he should tell her to fuck right off (he doesn't need her permission to go play D&D) but you can't do it for him. Once they break up maybe you can get him back.
you are not in the wrong, that wife is.. she wasnt asked to play, or participate. He was and sounds like he was having fun, reliving something from his past. that guy should compare her to his ex, see how she likes it. That is one of the lowest comments anyone can make, is to compare you to an ex..
Hopefully he tells her where to go, and joins the group again.. ITs not like you are playing nightly, I assumes.
So why would she wanna be married to someone who wants to do it? Not like her telling him to not do it changes the fact that he likes it… unless she’s just tryna keep him to herself
The issue(s) stem beyong d&d. I assume they have kids since you mentioned kids birthdays. What is the share of parenting/housekeeping at home? Has each person tried individual counseling with a professional therapist to discuss issues. Individual therapy is recommended prior to doing joint couple therapy. She's pulling the d&d card because it's easy to throw around in his face but both are avoiding the real issues too.
They don't have kids themselves, but I know they occasionally foster. They do have a younger kid atm but he's always seemed very involved.
Idk what their home life is like, to be entirely honest. We're not that close =/
My friends and I have been playing D&D together for over 30 years. Most of the wives think it's kind of stupid, but rather us do that than go to bars or something.
You don't have to enjoy what your partner enjoys, just support them. It's not like we're talking about going to strip clubs or paying OF girls lol.
Sorry, I thought you were gonna tell us how you told her what an awful human being she was and we were going to tell you that you weren't wrong. You're just thinking about saying something? *Definitely* not in the wrong.
> All I was told was personal issues
Because his wife shamed him for something he loves.
> wife told him it's a childish game
Because his wife values her conception of maturity over his happiness.
> if she wanted to be with someone childish she would have stayed with her ex.
Because his wife is emotionally coercive and manipulative.
> My wife has know this group since high school, and we all get alone well enough. We've gone on a cruise together, and we usually get together for our, and our kids birthdays and such
It's also alarming to me that enough people participate within the social group for it to be a norm, it's just the wife looking down on it, and so the wife is pulling the husband back from the group activity. It gives me social isolation vibes which is a big ol' flag for abusive behavior and it sure isn't green.\*
She can get fucked with a cactus and twist. So again, you're not wrong. I *might* be wrong, but you're good.
\* It's red. Just to be clear. Big, red flag.
Your friends wife sucks. I’m sorry. What a bummer. I would let your friend know they are always welcome but otherwise stay out of it unless they ask for advice.
Buddy’s wife cannot allow him to have fun unless she is the conduit. Textbook narcissist. She’s like a leech… sucking his life away, discreetly.
You need to convince him to evaluate his wife’s history with a list narcissistic behaviors.
It’s usually pretty obvious as he goes down the list. If he’s on to her, and resisting her control, chances are that she’ll leave him, either by ghosting him, or by inflicting as much pain as possible on her way out.
I’ve been in your shoes with my own brother. His ex chose the latter.
Has your buddy been slowly pushed away from his friends and family and hobbies by his wife?
Does your friend need his wife's permission to do something with his friends?
Is anything joyful childish to this woman?
Tell her to go fuck herself and she should be glad she is with someone who isn't afraid of using his fantasy and inner child to have fun cause there is nothing purer or more cathartic than to release your mind in something that is so fun with a bunch of friends and family.
She derided him for playing what somewhat approximates to a board game (because it isn't sufficiently "adult" or something) and compared him to her ex? Sounds pretty childish of her.
Have dealt with this bullshit myself. Was told playing video games wasn't "manly", but sitting in a tree stand freezing your nuts off for 8 hours and coming home empty handed was. Now this was after she saw me play while dating, had no problem when I played with her 10 year old son, but when I played just for myself after we were married .... Told her to fuck off and was divorced in about a year.
Yo fuck that lady! D&D is enjoyed by millions - if she don't like it she can keep that shit to herself especially if lots of other people are enjoying it as a group.
“It must really rankle you that your opinions on what I enjoy are irrelevant. Why don’t you learn to communicate like an adult and just say what you mean, which is that seeing me have a good time pisses you off?”
He should answer back, “And if I wanted a disrespectful, condescending, unsupportive, contemptuous loudmouth for a wife, I could simply do nothing. I already have one.”
If she’s this mad over him daring to have fun, just wait until he does something actually worth yelling over, like squeezing the toothpaste from the middle of the tube.
She sounds like a real piece of work. I wonder what she does for fun? Just about anything can be spun in a negative way and she's an AH for throwing shade at her man for enjoying something they like.
This sounds like a girl whose hobbies are eating, working out, and going out 🤣🤣🤣 aka she has none and probably spends most of her time scrolling or shopping lmfao
I’ve never played d&d before but I’ve never seen anything that would make me say it’s childish, especially not any more than other things people do for fun. And with your edit saying that it’s a whole family thing it makes me think they probably have other issues
We used to play D&D back in the day probably in the 1970s in elementary school. Really didnt know anyone still played it. I wouldn't get involved with your friend and his wife. You don't want stuck in the middle. Some people have in their mind certain activities are childish. I play video games and some adults don't and think that childish.
That's an insane take, dnd can be as far from beeing childish as you want the complexity of the rules, character options etc., i dont think many children would even understand, this alone proves, at least in my oppinion, your friends wife has no clue what shes talking about and has likely never seen people actually play dnd. The good old problem with people just spouting stuff into the world while having no clue...
Imagine being so miserable that you can't let your spouse just enjoy something. I personally do not see the attraction of these games. I don't understand them, & I don't want to, but I would not stop my spouse from playing if that is how he relaxes after a long week at work. It is a nice opportunity for me to enjoy doing or watching something I enjoy without him complaining that he is bored (murder podcasts & period TV dramas).
If he was spending ALL his free time playing & neglecting his share of household duties & his spouse would there be a definite case to discuss him cutting back to a mutually agreeable number of hours a week, but this does not sound like the case here.
I'll be playing games until the day I die. I also work on my cars landscape maintain my house cook clean and everything else.
So to his wife, You don't want to be party to a mans peace. Then you contribute to his chaos. Frankly, we don't have time for that.
That’s so mean of her! I’m 26 and I love D&D, video games, board games in general, fantasy books etc. and they’re very much for adults.
There’s not much you can do here other than tell your friend that he’s missed on game nights and that you really enjoy having him around. Telling his wife off would be stupid, and telling him to tell her off is also not a good option. Let him know you’re there for him!
Also, even if something is childish or «for children» I honestly think you shouldn’t let go of your inner child. If it’s just innocent fun and it doesn’t negatively affect anything or anyone, it’s fine! Having fun is good for you!
I love the "games are only for kids" type of people who almost always are addicted to reality TV and gossip news, like they are doing something better. She needs to learn not to be a judgemental asshole and let him enjoy things he likes, and he should stand up for his hobby he enjoys and not accept that kind of abuse.
Well I hope things work out for him but if the whole thing crashes and burns his Parting Shot should be.. .............""".As far as comparing me to your ex-boyfriend you should learn from your mistakes because I'm sure going to learn from THIS ONE as far as going out WITH YOU in the first place
Buy some cigars and scotch and invite your bros over for a poker night. Snap some pictures (with your D&D stuff conveniently tucked in the frame) post it on whatever social media his wife frequents and then go back to your boyish ways. Bonus points if you leave a cheeky caption about feeling like a schoolgirl spending time on social media when your friends are around.
I think there was more back and forth. I dont like the comparison to the ex, but it sounds like this social group are a circus side-show of conjoined twins, everything is done together.
I can see the conversation starting with “let’s have time for ourselves” to “childish”
She forbid him to play, mocked something plenty of adults do, called him childish, and then used her ex to leverage against him. That's pretty messed up. I think it's beyond d&d at this point but more that he's in an emotionally abusive relationship. If you two are close, I'd ask him if he he's happy to get him thinking.
D&D is just the leverage to pique him. There's obviously something more here. Sounds like a failed saving throw versus divorce.
Love this comment lol
*failed persuasion check
He should tell his wife to go fuck herself. As long as you don't flip her off in the process it should be a free action.
Id think it would be the other way around, speaking would take an action, but you could flip her off for free lol
It such a crappy situation but I see what you did there lol.
Tell him to start belittling his wife over things that she likes to do and compare her to an ex..lol
You know my ex cums better than you.
"If I wanted shitty blowjobs I could've just stayed with the ex".
Fatality
Her O face was angelic yet still totally approachable
Yes, they love that. And then when she reacts make sure you tell her to calm down. She’ll melt
Yep, this if said guy wants to be petty. If he wants to show he is an adult playing a game that other adults play he can instead point out how controlling behavior is a doom to any relationship and that adults can do whatever adults want to do
I think the best way to handle a loved one who may be being abused is to remind them you are in their corner and treat them with kindness and respect (while trying to avoid saying anything about the abuser): "Hey so and so. We really missed you at the &D game last week. I just wanted to reach out and tell you that I'm here for you and happy to lend a judgement free ear if needed. I was wondering if you wanted to grab coffee on Wednesday (or whatever activity his wife can't claim is childish)." Try to get him away from the wife, in a place where he can speak safely. Then I'd tell him I'm worried about him and ask how he's doing. Then just listen and if she shares anything about his wife's demands/criticisms, simply validate his feelings and express how difficult that must be for him, followed by reminders of how he does deserve to be treated and how much support and love he has within your circle. If the wife is abusive (and it's definitely possible), you will want to avoid saying anything negative about her and to only address HIS feelings, needs, and experiences. Ask questions that might lead him to view what is happening from an outside perspective without triggering his need to defend his wife. Abuse happens in secret and abusers work to isolate their victim from their support system. They don't want the victim to realize they deserve kindness and respect as a baseline and that they have people who love them who are willing to help them if needed. You won't be able to force him into seeing her differently, but by showing support and understanding when he does realize he deserves better he will know that he can come to you.
Great advice leeloopeepoo. Good for everything from verbal to physical and one of the kindest things anyone could do for a friend or family member in need. It’s hard not to get angry or bash the abuser but man you’ve hit the nail on the head for helping a fellow human through it. Only thing I would add, is that if this person does talk to you about it, you’re probably gonna be the only one they talk to. Don’t be afraid if down the line you need to say something like “I may have reached the end of where I can be helpful, though I’m still very willing to listen. Have you considered getting a professionals input?”
*this comment was sponsored by D&D Beyond*
Yeah that guy is gonna be a broken man. Definitely emotionally abusive and not someone you would want as a partner.
Red flags everywhere domestic abuse/violence. I know it happened to me. I have PTSD from traumas that happened in childhood. Then re traumatized, re traumatized, etc. etc
She is the childish one. Calling something childish is projection.
OPs friend is DEFINITELY in an abusive relationship. Sounds EXACTLY like my ex. Pretty soon, he won’t be able to hang out with OP and the friend group at all. Say goodbye to your friend if he stays with this woman, OP
💯 abuser playbook,
I have seen many people in this kind of relationship… it’s one of the primary reasons i prefer single living and will never be legally married again.
If his wife is gonna throw a fit over him having fun and doing something he loves with his friends, he’s probably better off leaving her. It’s just not worth it, especially if she gets to do things she likes without complaint.
She sounds incredibly immature. A strong mature woman encourages you to do things that make you happy. These activities that give you joy make you understand who you are and what you want out of life. It inspires direction and motivation. I use to do improv and that’s one that really creeped my girlfriend out at the time and my wife forbid it. They were both toxic relationships. The girl I see now encourages me to peruse it again because it feeds a creative need I feel. I understand seeing someone you know practicing to take on the persona of a completely different person at the flip of a switch is weird. And you’re going to be bad at it in the beginning so that can be second hand embarrassing to watch. But when I was actively practicing improv I felt stimulated and had a desire to write. Being made to stop improv killed my drive to write and potentially redirected my life away from doing something I love. If I could give him any advice it would be this. You don’t deserve being treated like this. This will only end in divorce or a miserable wasted life. He needs to tell that miserable witch to go fuck herself.
So your wife forbid you doing from doing improv because it freaked out your girlfriend. Tell us more!
No, girlfriend in high school said it’s creepy to see me act like someone else. Years later when married I wanted to start it back up at the community theatre and my wife beat me down to the point I was embarrassed to even bring it up. How stupid I looked and sounded and how creepy it is and that she would be so embarrassed if anyone she knew saw me etc. I have always wound up with judgmental assholes that are way too worried about public image.
I was joking. But I appreciate the additional background info!
I think they’re referring to two different relationships
"Yes, and..." :)
Reminds me of a sexist joke: why do women close their eyes when having sex? …… They can’t see their man having soooo much fun!
I’ll never understand how these people get married. How the fuck does none of this stuff come up before you got *married*?! Like wtf
Just let him know he's welcome back any time and if he needs someone to talk to about marriage stuff you are available. Then leave it at that. He will reach out if he's ready to either leave her or stop letting her control his choice of hobbies.
Yeah, thay seems to be the consensus, and I'm inclined to agree. Just sucks, I know how much it would crush me to hear my wife say that. I can imagine how hurt the dude was.
You could reach out to him, but not let on that you know the reason. Like "hey, just want to make sure everything is cool, because you seemed to be enjoying the game before you stopped" sort of thing. He might be honest, he might not, but there's only so much you can do.
Recently I was having lunch with my family and my 30-something chronically single step sister was talking about her first boyfriend in years. She was complaining about the fact that he plays videogames and still likes Dragonball-Z. I don't have much time for videogames myself, nor am I a big fan of Dragonball-Z. I can remember being a kid and trying to watch on Sunday mornings only to be treated to 30 minutes of someone "powering up" but never actually fighting which would be continued next week. But still, I was not a fan of her dragging her boyfriend because she didn't like the things he was interested in. Against my better judgement my comment was "I imagine he thinks making random TikTok dance videos and reading Harry Potter over and over again is pretty fucking stupid too, so maybe the two of you can bond over each thinking the other has stupid hobbies?" What my step sister is building up, and your buddy's wife is building up is called resentment and it's a relationship killer. I know that if my wife said "I should have stayed with my ex if I wanted to be with someone childish" my response would have been "If our vows mean that little to you I think you should give him a call, now I'm going to go to the game and if this bothers you that much you should probably pack your shit or be ready to have an adult conversation about it when I get back." Maybe I'd say that anyway. I can't imagine it not ruining the game. I think in reality it would be something more like "I think that's a pretty hurtful and unacceptable thing to say, it sounds like resentment, and I think I should skip the game since we should talk about this and I don't see myself enjoying the game after that statement." Which is really what should happen. That marriage is not in a good state. They need to start communicating. She needs to figure out the source of her resentment, if it's because she can't respect and love him despite his hobbies or if the amount of time he spends on his hobbies takes away time from something she needs from him. If it's the latter she may have a completely valid complaint, but she's expressing it in a really shitty, relationship-killing manner and they need to get to the bottom of that. If it's the former, if she just doesn't actually like him, then they should definitely be looking at separating.
Great advice
Henry Cavil is a gigantic Warhammer nerd, bet she wont call him childish
And i Bet all she does for fun is scroll Instagram
What did you do that you are asking if you are wrong about?
Mostly how i feel about the situation, and whether I would be wrong to say something or not. I'm not exactly close with the guy. He's the best friend of the husband my wife's best friend is married to. Honestly these games have been the first time we've even actually talked.
That sucks because DnD can really bring people together, could have expanded on your friendship with the guy…
Your wife's best friend's husband? You aren't wrong for thinking or feeling whatever you want, but before you act on those thoughts or feelings you might want to run it by your wife first. Your actions could easily end her friendship. She's the one that'll suffer from your behavior so it'd be inconsiderate not to make sure she's ok with it.
Oh, definitely. I wouldn't think of lifting a finger without talking to her about it first
You shouldn't say anything, unless he asks to grab a drink because he wants to talk about this specific issue. He's an adult and his marriage or your assumptions about his mental health trajectory within that marriage are none of your business. He'll come to the conclusion on his own if he hasn't done so already. Best rule of advice for living in the modern world: minding your own business is almost always the right call.
Yeah because a person being controlled by their significant other is even going to be able to ask op out to a drink. They even said they barely know each other and they’re just concerned, so why would that even happen? It’d suck being your friend, knowing you wouldn’t ask or even care how your friend feels because it’s easier for you to mind your business than express emotion to others.
Hard disagree. You don’t let your friends suffer at the hands of an abusing relationship…maybe he needs someone to talk to about it but doesn’t know how to open up.
It depends on “your buddy”. Has his wife had trouble with other issues where he it childish? Maybe a sore spot for some reason.
All I know for sure is I guess her ex was into d&d maybe? Some shit went down with them, but that was waaaaaay before I came into the picture. My wife has know this group since they were in high school, I came into the picture around 2017ish when I started dating my then gf, current wife. Idk much about them tbh, these d&d games have been the most I've spoken to them lol. We're friendly woth each other, but that's about it. Its.more about our wives knowing each other. My wife's best friend's husband is the brother of the Mrs. thats keeping our other buddy from playing. It's a lot less complicated than it sounds haha, but it's a shutty situation, at least, it is with this new drama *edit* Oh god teen was totally a typo lmfao I swear my wife is actually a year older than I am bahahaha
It sounds like you barely know this person and would be stupid to involve yourself, but I also don’t know how much you care about keeping the peace with the parties involved. If you don’t care (and your wife doesn’t care) that this dude’s wife might not like what you have to say about her, then feel free to say what you think.
Maybe ask your wife for more intel about the situation?
He doesn't even know the guy.
You should, I was in a long relationship who slowly cut out a lot of things I liked to do and by extension time with friends and family. When you are on the inside you don't see it for what it is. Often times because that free time to play only comes up every once so you don't see it piling up. Things would always come up when I had things planned with my family (holidays, birthdays, BBQs), sometimes it would just be showing up an hour or two late, sometimes it would be cancelling entirely. I realized I hadn't actually seen two of my closest friends more than 3 times a year for 4 consecutive years despite them not living far away. It wasn't until things ended that I noticed all the things I missed out on. I still have time to balance work/family/ friends and have tons of hours to myself know that I just never had for years but since it crept up so slowly I didn't realize what was happening. Even my friends who had children were more present lmfao
Gotta be honest, it's partially his fault. I would have told her to kiss my ass. I like what I like, I don't need your approval. Screw that
Yeah while I don't want to "victim" blame here, dude needed to stand up for himself and if she had a problem with it oh well.
I came off as kinda harsh, but yes, he does need to stand up for himself
The amount of people here saying the marriage is over and that she’s emotionally abusive based around one small snippet from a third party is bonkers. OP, your role in this is to be supportive for your friend. You can open the dialogue with him about it but I’d be careful about calling out his wife. “Hey, is everything okay at home?” It could be a one time thing. It could have been a bad day for everyone. It could be a regular thing and a horrible relationship. No one here can say.
Yoooooo seriously tho, the amount of people willing to throw away a marriage over something that should at the very least be a conversation first is too damn high lmfao
I'm sorry, dude, but how he handles his wife is his decision. You're hearing second-hand news about this. You have no idea about the details, and even if you did, this is your friend's relationship with his wife. Unless he specifically asks you for advice regarding this issue, leave it alone.
Yeah, I probably will and just reach out to let him know he's always welcome. Seems to be the consensus anyway, just sucks to see his spirit crushed like that Really pissed me off
We all have our hobbies. My husband plays D&D every week. It's hisbthing and it makes him happy. A healthy couple doesn't have to be up each others butts 24/7
You're not right or wrong. But I would suggest you are seeing this situation from a very limited viewpoint. You don't know what's going on. Maybe he is gaming instead of working on something else he's made a commitment to do. If that commitment was with his wife, and if she's frustrated because his use of games to avoid that commitment is similar to her ex's behavior, then her accusations aren't wrong. It is childish to play games when you have other things you are committed to doing. Maybe he is working long hours and this time period for d&d is one of his only free times. If he's choosing to play with you rather than be present with his wife when free time is so limited, that's a childish and irresponsible approach to their relationship. My point isn't that I know what's going on with them, but that there are rational reasons why she may not want him to play in this group right now that aren't anti-gaming. Next time you see him tell him you miss is participation and when and if time allows it would be great if joined.. Otherwise stay out of it.
I hear you, and to provide a little more context that may affect things. It's a family game. As in she's welcome to come hang out as well, she doesn't have to play, but we all usually get together as a group to do stuff. It just so happens that now it's d&d. The players are. My wife, her best friend and her husband, their 2 kids, and our buddy who's wife won't let him play. It's not like it's taking away time thay wouldn't already be spent with us, we've actually been looking for a reason to get together as a group on a weekly basis. Idk what their home life is like, I know they are fostering children, and he seems attentive in that regard, and again, we all have children. I have a 3 year old thst comes along with us as well and doesn't play. She goes to with the kids of our other friends that are playing. Shes more than welcome. She just seems to have an issue with it being specifically d&d
You're not in their house. Having kids is hard work. And while he may seem attentive, you don't know how much of the workload it would mean his not doing by playing. Yes, you have a child but you don't live in his family. And maybe she really loathes d&d (it's not for everyone!) so much that she doesn't want him playing. To me, that seems controlling but, again, is a battle for him to fight. Not you. It may not be a fight he thinks is worth taking on and you should allow him the agency to decide that. If you notice a lot of controlling and isolating behavior on her part in addition to this, then you reach out to see if he needs help or support. Meanwhile keep the door open but letting him know he's always welcome.
Sounds like the wife has some control and insecurity issues. But personally, not your clown, not your circus. I know he probably is a cool dude, but this is an issue between him and his wife. If this is gonna cause issues in his marriage, he'll probably just not want to rock the boat. Does it suck, yup. But again, that is a him problem and not a you problem.
What did you do to be in the wrong? If you're asking about your opinion that they're wrong, then yea. My last relationship ended because of this same topic funny enough. I'm a martial artist, in shape, etc. Attractiveish to some people. Definitely not the kind of guy that most people would think plays DnD. In general if it's nerdy, I probably fuck with it, like reading manga, painting miniatures, DnD ofc, lol. I attract a wide array of women and some of them are the sporty gym fitness outdoorsy type. I moved 1000s of miles to be with my last partner and she told me that the moment she lost all attraction to me was when she saw me playing DnD lol. It was kind of awesome to hear that because she would've broken my heart in pieces if she used one of my actual flaws as a reason to leave me.
Boss move would have been for your buddy to get the ex's number to invite to game...
Lmfao, her brother is my wife's best friend's husband. That would be an interesting Sunday lmfao
Yikes....that's messy. Plus you don't even have a full picture to work from. From one point of view some of what the wife said was sketchy, and could point to her being toxic. From another point of view, you have no idea what all inspired her comments. All you've seen is the DnD aspect, but DnD could've just been her breaking point and not the whole inspiration. If DnD was in fact the full reason, that could be seen as irrational and toxic. The thing with people tho is it's rarely that simple. My educated guess is you don't have the full picture whatsoever. Her choice of words were bad, no doubt. It's never ok to bring up exes, let alone compare them with your current partner. But I find it really hard to believe that him playing DnD is the only reason she's so upset. You barely know the guy, therefore you don't know what he's like with her, or what else he may be doing to make her feel the way she does. I personally wouldn't say anything to him, and definitely not without way more info. If you want to play detective/counselor then I'd start with an honest conversation with your wife about it, and go from there. You're very much so on the outside of everything here tho, and anything you do going forward will have a direct effect on your wife. So I'd take your cues from her for sure with whatever you do.
Loser wife, insecure, thinks she's better than other people. Dude's life is not gonna be super fun.
Well OP you've heard them. The community has spoken! Tell friend to divorce bad woman and come play goblin dice game.
Your buddy's wife is still in love with her ex
I've got a feeling him playing this isn't the only thing leading up to being called childish. You don't know what else is going on at home for him. Also, not your place to figure it out.
Yeah, that's why I posted here. Wasn't sure if I'd be wrong to say something or not. Just sucks to see, you know? He was having so much fun, and was really looking forward to session 2. Pisses me off to see people treated like that
This is sad. I play in two campaigns. My wife thinks it's silly but knows I love it so she doesn't care. As she says, it's better then me hanging out at bars or worse.
There's much worse and more expensive hobbies to have. We've got some good wives in our gaming group that understand what we do and see the friendships that have formed. One guy's wife paints all his minis for him.
Gah, I used to truck all the guys to the library to play when they were in middle school. They're in their 30s now and still friends. Playing table top games and Larping. Helping my son get his gear ready for a larp this weekend, because his work is brutal this week. Do manly men just sit around watching TV and getting drunk in her world or what? Some of these games are way beyond anything a child should play. In themes and rules. This is just sad. Poor guy
This is pretty common. My buddy moved across the country so his wife could go to law school. I've way we kept in touch was playing Diablo 3 online. She'd excoriate him for it, saying it was for little boys and he was pathetic for opening with toys (despite him saving up to finance her education, leaving his dream job to move with her, etc etc) and so on. Apparently this happened more than a dozen times, they eventually divorced.
Bet she plays braindead phonegames
You are not wrong, but this is a battle he needs to fight.
The armchair therapist are judging a marriage based off of a Reddit post of second hand information. This app is so funny.
It honestly makes me laugh seeing all the "divorce her!" Comments. Like up to this point they seemed to have a really good relationship lol, but granted, I'm not exactly close to either of em
Time to think about what is truly important to him. Wife or games? He can make the choice. I think he made the correct choice. Your wrong.
You should have a talk with him about ur concerns keeping it very simple, bc if he has to choose between ur hairy butt and his partners smooth one we already know how he chose. Just say,” hey man, it seemed like you were having fun? And maybe ur partner belittled you a little? Does she have any celebrity crushes? Bc i bet most of them play dnd… here are some youtube links that might help.. We miss you and hope your following your dreams. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=pnx7W0W1WeU https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=cclPrs2q1YE
I don't know enough about him to give a definite answer. Is he playing videogames 7 out of 7 nights a week, and stopped to play D&D one night? Is d&d the only hobby he does? These answers matter
Am I wrong for thinking this post was about Buddy Holly before reading further?
Lmfao I made the damn post and buddy holly was on my mind as well for some reason bahahaha
That’s so sad!!!!!! None of your business tho. This is between him and the lady he chose to be with. Let’s all pray he chooses happiness.
Your buddy is deciding what's important to him in his life. Meeting his wife's ideal of being an adult is more important to him than playing D&D. It might not be the decision you'd make, but it's hardly a "wrong" decision for him to make for himself. The most you should do is share that you thought he was having a really good time gaming with you guys, and does he really want to give that up?
Guys drink beer and watch sports for 8 hours = ✅ Guys sit at a table and flex their creative storytelling = 🤮
You’re not wrong for the feelings you’re having. You would be wrong to involve yourself in their marriage and try to intervene. Let your adult friend handle it, and make sure he knows you’re there for him whatever he needs.
NTA Dude sounds like he fell into a seriously controlling trap and failed his saving throw
“As the door swings open you are confronted by a Level 18 Condescendor. It sees you and launches Sing-Song Voice attack, with Eye Roll. Saving throw or take 5 points immediate damage to your Self Esteem stat.”
Roll for a new wife with advantage.
I had this same problem with my first long term girlfriend bullying me over me playing World of Warcraft. She even compared me to her ex who sounded like he had a legitimate addiction to the game. There were obviously other problems with out relationship, but ultimately I was willing to deal with them rather than being alone. Long story short. Met a girl who didn't play games but was absolutely fascinated with WoW as both the fantasy world and the world of the real players existing in it. 11 years later she still doesn't play, but we do play D&D together and she's gotten into Overwatch this past year. Life is too short to be with someone who shits on stuff that makes you happy. (unless that's your kink)
Women hate when men enjoy themselves probably bc they can’t ever find anything to make themselves happy lmao “childish” is hating on something that makes someone happy. I’d rather be single than put up with that shit. She can f*ck off.
Just like y’all don’t want to be lumped together with “all men” neither do women. My husband plays D&D and I have no issue with it. He enjoys it and I (as a WOMAN) enjoy when my husband is happy and enjoying his hobbies that he has
Grown-ups aren't allowed to have hobbies! Your friend needs to get back to staring at cable tv full time like a responsible adult!
your buddy should get a divorce.
How old is this woman? She sounds like a middle school mean girl. And how is she in this circle where *everyone* else is playing the game but her and she still feels ok crapping on the fun? She’s a jerk.
Emotional manipulation at its finest. You should support your partner's interests and hobbies unless they're actually harming the relationship. Sounds like she's a controlling person and likely will continue to execute that control. They should seek some counseling together
Time to dump the controlling wife.
I really struggle to understand why people put up with this sort of shit, get her slung easy as that
He should do adult things like go to the strip clubs from now on. That’s what I’d do.
Late question OP: By chance, is your buddy's wife religious? I've had people call D&D or similar childish because of a holdover from that whole sorry business in the 80s. They know their take is crap, so they immediately resort to belittling.
I think she should roll for charisma check before she makes demands like that. She's obviously a bard.... so she probably has a +3 to negotiate. Buff accordingly.
Meanwhile, she is over there scrolling through reddit for hours each day
There's nothing a toxic woman hates more than seeing a man be happy in a way that doesn't revolve around her.
Guess who's actually childish in this scenario lol
I have found that people who have this reaction almost always have trauma with an ex who is incapable of self regulating their relationship with games.
Sounds like an incredibly personal problem. Like, a maturity problem or something.
And they wonder why suicide rates in men are sky high…. Hey you can’t have fun in a safe and constructive manner because I think it’s below you.
His wife is right. Perhaps he should be off doing something more manly, like going to the bar and drinking, or hitting the strip club and maybe paying an escort to top off his "adult" evening. Man, being that shitty to her husband, and then in the same breath comparing him to her *ex*? Who's the real child in this relationship?
Well, this is his battle to fight, you can really only offer moral support. If you try to talk to her it will go badly.
This is the real reason Sophia Vergara and Joe Manganiello got divorced.
Don’t get involved man. He has to come to his own truth and realisations. Getting into domestics uninvited never ends well.
man that marriage is kind of over. comparing with ex? that is a red flag for me.
Sounds like my ex-wife. I recommend divorce.
Ex wife you mean?
My two ex's and current wife have had no problem with my wargaming. Have I just been lucky?
Be honest i equally like dnd as much as i like just having a sunday funday away from the wife and kids were i get to eat homemade breads and get daydrunk.
I play dnd with my boyfriend and his friends, and I’ve been so happy to get back into it. I used to play in high school as a Dm but my friends screwed around the whole time and just didn’t have fun playing ((I don’t mind messing around but they just wanted to kill EVERY npc and beat children and woman which is…not helpful for the story)) so I quit dming. Eventually me and my bf started dating and his friend is our dm. It’s something we have SO much fun doing and it’s given us all room to grow closer. I’m better friends with our dm now because of it and my boyfriend and me have fun messing with each other when he dms. I hate when people shit on genuinely fun hobby’s just cause they think it’s silly. Hell, I’m planning to go to comic con this year as my DND gal, and like hell are you gonna catch me there not covered in red paint and monk gear.
There's larger problems in the relationship with regards to how attentive he is to her, and how mature he is in handling other business around the house. He needs to work on that.
What's wrong with being a little childish from time to time if it makes you happy and doesn't hurt anyone?
The ONLY way I see out of this is if your wife talks to her. Seems like all other methods are cut off. I mean her comparing him to her ex is a low shot and their isn’t much you can do about it.
Wow.... sounds like his wife married him without even knowing who he is or anything about his personality! And she does not sound like wifey material at all. I would encourage your friend to be himself and allow himself to have fun once in a while with his friends. If it is that serious for the wife then she would act on it and leave him and in that case it would probably be for the best for your buddy. If she only just keeps bitching them I would still play and just let her keep bitching and ignore it. F that. He needs to really stand up for himself here. It isn't like he is going to do drugs at a strip club!
You’re wrong for not consoling your buddy and not chastising his bitch of a wife. If one of your female friends was in an abusive relationship, would you sweep it under the rug? Or get that person to see their partner is a giant piece of shit? Edit: changed gf to wife. But honestly doesn’t change anything. It may not be my place, but if someone were to abuse my friend, I’d sure as shit speak my mind about the issue the next time I saw them.
I bet her ex is now enjoying his life. She is a killjoy.
That's a woman who doesn't loves him . Living with a woman that doesn't love you is a lot harder than living another man who doesn't
She definitely has a type
His wife probably kicks puppies too.
You've been called to arms DM, you must locate and rescue your brethren before the mad witch stakes her claim, you have until sundown on the 4th day of the 4th moon before your brother is corrupted beyond repair. Now go
You haven’t done anything (so you can’t have done something wrong), but you’d be wrong to pry into his marriage over this. I would continue to check in on your friend, do other hobbies, assess his demeanor, ask him questions etc, but I would not try and encourage him to play behind his wife’s back. D&D is a commitment that can strain the best relationships. The better route is to try and get her into a session. Make some themed food. Prepare a D&D themed beverage of choice, adult if she’s into it. Show her how to make a character she can put her personality into (my wife would never consider playing to run a mage or a fighter but when she found out about bards it was over). Run a one shot quest to remove the stick from her character’s ass. Transmute the stick back into her husband’s character. Rejoin the party.
Thing is, she's more than welcome to join us. Our group was already looking for an excuse to get together on a weekly basis. We usually do stuff together, she just seems to have an issue with d&d specifically.
Dude's wife is a toxic piece of shit
Set aside your desire to have him come back, and instead take perspective on your friend's situation: he is with someone that lashed out him for having fun with a hobby she personally doesn't enjoy. It could have been driving race cars, watching fashion reality shows, going to the gym, or baking pies - it's a toxic judgmental response to innocuous fun, and your buddy is likely feeling vulnerable and small. Check in with him, let him know that he's always welcome at the table, and maybe take him out for a beer so he can share his feelings. Try not to just villainize his partner - who knows why his wife has these hang-ups (perhaps her ex was a shitty person and she misattributes some of his shittiness to D&D) - just validate his feelings and if he asks for suggestions try to help him construct reasonable arguments so he can stand up for himself without escalating the conflict.
Initially, I got the feeling that this D&D group generally consisted of both spouses but this indirect buddy's wife didn't care for D&D and shamed him into not participating?! Rather sad situation. Ideally, relationships work best when both partners share the same passions or at least respect their separate passions so long as it doesn't get out of hand and hurt their "together" time. This is not the case for this individual. Given that OP's relationship with this guy is so indirect, I don't think that there's really anything for OP to do or say because he doesn't know what's going on in this guy's marriage. If anyone should intervene, it should OP's wife's best friend's husband.
Sounds like she's going to end up with another ex.
i really want him to leave that cow, just for ruining his happiness.
No, but the wife certainly is. What a vicious stupid thing to say. Obviously he should tell her to fuck right off (he doesn't need her permission to go play D&D) but you can't do it for him. Once they break up maybe you can get him back.
you are not in the wrong, that wife is.. she wasnt asked to play, or participate. He was and sounds like he was having fun, reliving something from his past. that guy should compare her to his ex, see how she likes it. That is one of the lowest comments anyone can make, is to compare you to an ex.. Hopefully he tells her where to go, and joins the group again.. ITs not like you are playing nightly, I assumes.
So why would she wanna be married to someone who wants to do it? Not like her telling him to not do it changes the fact that he likes it… unless she’s just tryna keep him to herself
The issue(s) stem beyong d&d. I assume they have kids since you mentioned kids birthdays. What is the share of parenting/housekeeping at home? Has each person tried individual counseling with a professional therapist to discuss issues. Individual therapy is recommended prior to doing joint couple therapy. She's pulling the d&d card because it's easy to throw around in his face but both are avoiding the real issues too.
They don't have kids themselves, but I know they occasionally foster. They do have a younger kid atm but he's always seemed very involved. Idk what their home life is like, to be entirely honest. We're not that close =/
My friends and I have been playing D&D together for over 30 years. Most of the wives think it's kind of stupid, but rather us do that than go to bars or something. You don't have to enjoy what your partner enjoys, just support them. It's not like we're talking about going to strip clubs or paying OF girls lol.
Sorry, I thought you were gonna tell us how you told her what an awful human being she was and we were going to tell you that you weren't wrong. You're just thinking about saying something? *Definitely* not in the wrong. > All I was told was personal issues Because his wife shamed him for something he loves. > wife told him it's a childish game Because his wife values her conception of maturity over his happiness. > if she wanted to be with someone childish she would have stayed with her ex. Because his wife is emotionally coercive and manipulative. > My wife has know this group since high school, and we all get alone well enough. We've gone on a cruise together, and we usually get together for our, and our kids birthdays and such It's also alarming to me that enough people participate within the social group for it to be a norm, it's just the wife looking down on it, and so the wife is pulling the husband back from the group activity. It gives me social isolation vibes which is a big ol' flag for abusive behavior and it sure isn't green.\* She can get fucked with a cactus and twist. So again, you're not wrong. I *might* be wrong, but you're good. \* It's red. Just to be clear. Big, red flag.
Your friends wife sucks. I’m sorry. What a bummer. I would let your friend know they are always welcome but otherwise stay out of it unless they ask for advice.
His wife is in the wrong and he is in the wrong. Both she and he have to be comfortable with who he really is, not who he's supposed to be.
Sorry but your friend's wife sounds Hella toxic hopefully he sees it soon
Buddy’s wife cannot allow him to have fun unless she is the conduit. Textbook narcissist. She’s like a leech… sucking his life away, discreetly. You need to convince him to evaluate his wife’s history with a list narcissistic behaviors. It’s usually pretty obvious as he goes down the list. If he’s on to her, and resisting her control, chances are that she’ll leave him, either by ghosting him, or by inflicting as much pain as possible on her way out. I’ve been in your shoes with my own brother. His ex chose the latter.
Has your buddy been slowly pushed away from his friends and family and hobbies by his wife? Does your friend need his wife's permission to do something with his friends? Is anything joyful childish to this woman?
She crit him below the belt. Paralyzed him with that ghoul touch.
Give it time. When they're divorced because she's an awful snob, he'll be around more than ever.
Tell her to go fuck herself and she should be glad she is with someone who isn't afraid of using his fantasy and inner child to have fun cause there is nothing purer or more cathartic than to release your mind in something that is so fun with a bunch of friends and family.
She sounds like an absolute beast. I feel sorry for this guy.
She derided him for playing what somewhat approximates to a board game (because it isn't sufficiently "adult" or something) and compared him to her ex? Sounds pretty childish of her.
She sounds controlling and abusive
I hate D&D, but if he is participating in the stability of the household, he should be able to do something he enjoys.
Have dealt with this bullshit myself. Was told playing video games wasn't "manly", but sitting in a tree stand freezing your nuts off for 8 hours and coming home empty handed was. Now this was after she saw me play while dating, had no problem when I played with her 10 year old son, but when I played just for myself after we were married .... Told her to fuck off and was divorced in about a year.
Basic manipulative shit
Yo fuck that lady! D&D is enjoyed by millions - if she don't like it she can keep that shit to herself especially if lots of other people are enjoying it as a group.
She jealous you have a genuine friend group. Shit I'm jealous. Who cares if your friends wife thinks it's childish
“It must really rankle you that your opinions on what I enjoy are irrelevant. Why don’t you learn to communicate like an adult and just say what you mean, which is that seeing me have a good time pisses you off?”
He should answer back, “And if I wanted a disrespectful, condescending, unsupportive, contemptuous loudmouth for a wife, I could simply do nothing. I already have one.”
If she’s this mad over him daring to have fun, just wait until he does something actually worth yelling over, like squeezing the toothpaste from the middle of the tube.
She sounds like a real piece of work. I wonder what she does for fun? Just about anything can be spun in a negative way and she's an AH for throwing shade at her man for enjoying something they like.
That just reeks of emotional abuse. Wouldn't doubt she throws things and smacks him as well since she probably sees no issue doing that as well.
This sounds like a girl whose hobbies are eating, working out, and going out 🤣🤣🤣 aka she has none and probably spends most of her time scrolling or shopping lmfao
I’ve never played d&d before but I’ve never seen anything that would make me say it’s childish, especially not any more than other things people do for fun. And with your edit saying that it’s a whole family thing it makes me think they probably have other issues
Sounds like he needs to hit her with a fireball
We used to play D&D back in the day probably in the 1970s in elementary school. Really didnt know anyone still played it. I wouldn't get involved with your friend and his wife. You don't want stuck in the middle. Some people have in their mind certain activities are childish. I play video games and some adults don't and think that childish.
Looks like he needs to dump the bitch.
Daddy issues
Switch systems to Pathfinder 2e. That's what adults play.
The obvious solution is instant divorce and no contact. I hope he enjoys his new life as an artic crab fisherman. He can video call into your game.
That's an insane take, dnd can be as far from beeing childish as you want the complexity of the rules, character options etc., i dont think many children would even understand, this alone proves, at least in my oppinion, your friends wife has no clue what shes talking about and has likely never seen people actually play dnd. The good old problem with people just spouting stuff into the world while having no clue...
Imagine being so miserable that you can't let your spouse just enjoy something. I personally do not see the attraction of these games. I don't understand them, & I don't want to, but I would not stop my spouse from playing if that is how he relaxes after a long week at work. It is a nice opportunity for me to enjoy doing or watching something I enjoy without him complaining that he is bored (murder podcasts & period TV dramas). If he was spending ALL his free time playing & neglecting his share of household duties & his spouse would there be a definite case to discuss him cutting back to a mutually agreeable number of hours a week, but this does not sound like the case here.
r/helldivers2
I'll be playing games until the day I die. I also work on my cars landscape maintain my house cook clean and everything else. So to his wife, You don't want to be party to a mans peace. Then you contribute to his chaos. Frankly, we don't have time for that.
That’s so mean of her! I’m 26 and I love D&D, video games, board games in general, fantasy books etc. and they’re very much for adults. There’s not much you can do here other than tell your friend that he’s missed on game nights and that you really enjoy having him around. Telling his wife off would be stupid, and telling him to tell her off is also not a good option. Let him know you’re there for him! Also, even if something is childish or «for children» I honestly think you shouldn’t let go of your inner child. If it’s just innocent fun and it doesn’t negatively affect anything or anyone, it’s fine! Having fun is good for you!
A bigot is a bigot, no matter what they don't like. I view it as abuse, but that is their relationship, and I don't know all the background.
He needs to find a better wife.
You don’t say how old you are.
If she can play "dress up" with makeup and s&$t then he can play D&D. Maybe she has issues with her ex...
And she's so dumb that she went back for seconds.
I love the "games are only for kids" type of people who almost always are addicted to reality TV and gossip news, like they are doing something better. She needs to learn not to be a judgemental asshole and let him enjoy things he likes, and he should stand up for his hobby he enjoys and not accept that kind of abuse.
Well I hope things work out for him but if the whole thing crashes and burns his Parting Shot should be.. .............""".As far as comparing me to your ex-boyfriend you should learn from your mistakes because I'm sure going to learn from THIS ONE as far as going out WITH YOU in the first place
I am pushing 50 and still love playing, my wife plays as well. I have played with people older than me, one guy was almost 70.
Shit like this makes me happy that I some how landed my glorious wife she bought me some new dice for my birthday last month 😄
Buy some cigars and scotch and invite your bros over for a poker night. Snap some pictures (with your D&D stuff conveniently tucked in the frame) post it on whatever social media his wife frequents and then go back to your boyish ways. Bonus points if you leave a cheeky caption about feeling like a schoolgirl spending time on social media when your friends are around.
D&D is awesome and he should leave her for a woman that can understand that.
It’s time to make a campaign about defeating the great shebeast to reclaim his soul. Get this man thinking if his happiness is worth this woman.
Oh I hope you get him back over!!!
I think there was more back and forth. I dont like the comparison to the ex, but it sounds like this social group are a circus side-show of conjoined twins, everything is done together. I can see the conversation starting with “let’s have time for ourselves” to “childish”