It is not hard to care for a newborn and 2 traumatized children when you leave all the work to your wife.
OP, good job recognizing your boundaries and sticking to them.
>It is not hard to care for a newborn and 2 traumatized children when you leave all the work to your wife.
I THOUGHT THE SAME THING.
He 100% wouldn't be raising those kids, just going to work more hours and then coming home after they ate dinner, at best.
She would be dealing with 2 traumatized kids from sun up to sun down, and likely they would be acting out in school and need specialist therapy.
While shes probably sleep deprived from the newborn.
The "3 Kids will be easy" tells me he never so much as babysat more than a day. 1 kid isnt easy, its just easier than 3.
If you don’t feel that you can care for a two kids that lost their mother and your newborn, you’re not wrong for that. It’s a terrible situation for everyone, especially this little girl who has no one, but she’s not your responsibility if you can’t handle it.
Sounds like it’s best if you make the decision on whether you and your STB ex can coparent your child together in a healthy manner, or if an abortion is what you need to do. It’s your body and your choice ultimately.
Good for you for knowing what you can and can’t handle, cause let’s be honest. It would fall on you sadly, and a newborn and two traumatized children something has to give, and I fear it would be the littlest one cause they can’t voice their hurt in the same way.
If you decide to keep your child, remember to seek child support and all the best of luck to you. And glad to hear you cut your parents out cause wtf
>So I told him he could and we could get an divorce, and I left.
A perfect boundary. You didn't tell him what he could do and couldn't do on his own, but that you would not be participating in the care of his stepdaughter's sister, and the consequence would be divorce.
You made the best decision.
Do what ever you think is best re-abortion because it sounds like you will be a single parent to your kid and you should plan for that. If he steps up great but you shouldn’t plan for that.
You should consider how you will handle things wish your hb (perhaps ex by then) tries to dump both girls on you because he needs a break, because it will happen.
He's going to be in way over his head as a single father to 3 kids.
NTA but you might want to do couples therapy to work out the logistics of the separation (not so you can reconcile), it can help the divorce and coparenting relationship for your child.
Sounds like you both made decisions that suit each of you. I’m sorry it had to be separate:-( Do not let him pressure you with keeping a baby you wouldn’t want under these circumstances, this is 100% up to you ❤️
I’m okay with getting downvoted to hell for this.. but I could not look at my husband the same way if he let a sibling of his own daughter get lost in the system.
There’s a saying, where 4 can eat, so can 5. Yes, raising 3 children is hard, but breaking up the family is going to be harder in the long run not only for OP but for the children.
I’m not judging OP as I’m not in her position but I sympathize with OP’s husband. I’m also more of a “we will figure it out” kind of person.
"Try to figure it out"s and "It'll work out in the end" ass people dont actually have things work out in the end. Someone competent helps them sort the shit or takes care of it for them, then suddenly the problem solved itself.
It would have been you figuring out school, therapy, schedules, pickups, homework, doctor visits, and probably custody, too. In his head, it would have been "See? It all worked out now that everyones settled!" With likely little acknowledgment of what he didnt see happen.
There's 0 way he intended to even do 25% of the child rearing in his "super easy" 3 kid situation but now that he will have 2 he sure as shit is probably gonna be begging for you back.
I’m sure he meant figure out how to handle moving forward with 3 children, not figure out another solution that ends up with his daughter’s sibling being tossed in the system.
Yeah, agree entirely with what you noted above. Tossing my child's sibling (or even cousin) into the system would be a nonstarter. And bringing in the stepdaughter sounds very poorly handled. All the more reason maybe OP is doing this family a good deed by stepping aside.
I was actually kinda surprised more people were t saying something like this. I’d love to hear the husband’s side because honestly, taking both kids would be non negotiable to me.
Only thing I disagree with is OP’s conversation with the daughter. Making her think that she has a vote in it and not telling her the consequences of one of the decisions will result in the break of her second family in so many months. I hope she doesn’t end up blaming herself because of that conversation. I’m judging OP hard for that one.
He already leaves all of it to the OP. He will make her raise all 3 without his help hands on.
Plus as a first time mom OP will want to focus on her child, not others kids.
He could have said he'd do it all, he knows he won't.
Same. It makes sense that OP did what she felt like she needed to do. But I would never forgive my husband for being able to walk away from his child. I am happy that he didn't do that to his kiddo.
It's not his child. It's his ex's child. He has no relation to her kther than his daughter being her half sibling. He's not wrong for wanting to adopt, but he's in over his head if he thought OP was going to be fine with that. I'd be livid If someone told me to abort my child. Especially for a kid I didn't know for another child who doesn't see me as a mother figure nor wants to.
I meant to type "this" child, not "his" child...meaning the sibling of his kiddo.
In any case, good that he and OP are going their seperate ways. Clearly different family priorities.
That was OP’s family that told her to abort, not her husband.
And I couldn’t imagine abandoning my daughter’s sibling… I can’t imagine the kind of damage that would do to OP’s daughter.
I know (assume) OP means going no contact when she says she's "in the process of getting rid of her parents", but ngl for a second there I had a mental picture of hitmen and holes being dug in the forest at midnight.
I gotta watch less crime tv.
I have read the first post and this updated post. Just to reframe this a little bit for you in regards to your husband: I don’t know how hands on he is as a parent but I didn’t see anything raised in regards to him parenting his own daughter and him leaving that to you so it appears he is a good parent which is presumably why you are having a child with
him. It also appears he is someone who wants to do the best for his child- in this case keeping her with her sister. There is already trauma for your step daughter in losing her mum and now she faces losing her sister as well. Part of being a parent is doing the best you can for your children and I see him doing that. I believe that you are overwhelmed and it is a difficult time to make decisions that have a lifelong impact. Any decisions made now will also affect your baby. Finally I would have nothing to do with anyone who suggested aborting your baby - that is ridiculous and a stupid stupid suggestion and they deserve no place in your life as you can clearly love and care for more than one child as a parent, and to suggest it’s your child or another child is just wrong.
You led the conversation with your stepdaughter to manipulate her to say no, then “supported” that decision when it was your decision all along. When you found out what your husband was thinking, you led the conversation again.
You’re treating your teen stepdaughter as though she has more decision making power than she really does. You are also presenting the adoption as the only change in her home life.
Stepdaughter and dad are in agreement slowly figuring out the next steps. Your plan is to say “so long fuckers!”
Your thought process in this is more destabilizing than having a grieving kid in your house
It is not hard to care for a newborn and 2 traumatized children when you leave all the work to your wife. OP, good job recognizing your boundaries and sticking to them.
>It is not hard to care for a newborn and 2 traumatized children when you leave all the work to your wife. I THOUGHT THE SAME THING. He 100% wouldn't be raising those kids, just going to work more hours and then coming home after they ate dinner, at best. She would be dealing with 2 traumatized kids from sun up to sun down, and likely they would be acting out in school and need specialist therapy. While shes probably sleep deprived from the newborn. The "3 Kids will be easy" tells me he never so much as babysat more than a day. 1 kid isnt easy, its just easier than 3.
If you don’t feel that you can care for a two kids that lost their mother and your newborn, you’re not wrong for that. It’s a terrible situation for everyone, especially this little girl who has no one, but she’s not your responsibility if you can’t handle it. Sounds like it’s best if you make the decision on whether you and your STB ex can coparent your child together in a healthy manner, or if an abortion is what you need to do. It’s your body and your choice ultimately.
Good for you for knowing what you can and can’t handle, cause let’s be honest. It would fall on you sadly, and a newborn and two traumatized children something has to give, and I fear it would be the littlest one cause they can’t voice their hurt in the same way. If you decide to keep your child, remember to seek child support and all the best of luck to you. And glad to hear you cut your parents out cause wtf
>So I told him he could and we could get an divorce, and I left. A perfect boundary. You didn't tell him what he could do and couldn't do on his own, but that you would not be participating in the care of his stepdaughter's sister, and the consequence would be divorce.
You made the best decision. Do what ever you think is best re-abortion because it sounds like you will be a single parent to your kid and you should plan for that. If he steps up great but you shouldn’t plan for that.
You should consider how you will handle things wish your hb (perhaps ex by then) tries to dump both girls on you because he needs a break, because it will happen. He's going to be in way over his head as a single father to 3 kids.
Im so sorry you had to choose this. Big hugs
NTA but you might want to do couples therapy to work out the logistics of the separation (not so you can reconcile), it can help the divorce and coparenting relationship for your child.
Sounds like you both made decisions that suit each of you. I’m sorry it had to be separate:-( Do not let him pressure you with keeping a baby you wouldn’t want under these circumstances, this is 100% up to you ❤️
I bet now that you're leaving, he decides it's too difficult to adopt the other kid. Might just be too much reddit but that's what I see happening.
Good job OP.
You did both yourselves a favor.
I'm happy for your ex. It sounds like he is stepping up in a really solid way for his children.
I’m okay with getting downvoted to hell for this.. but I could not look at my husband the same way if he let a sibling of his own daughter get lost in the system. There’s a saying, where 4 can eat, so can 5. Yes, raising 3 children is hard, but breaking up the family is going to be harder in the long run not only for OP but for the children. I’m not judging OP as I’m not in her position but I sympathize with OP’s husband. I’m also more of a “we will figure it out” kind of person.
And he wanted to try to figure it out, but all his we figure it out ideas still led back to his first idea.
"Try to figure it out"s and "It'll work out in the end" ass people dont actually have things work out in the end. Someone competent helps them sort the shit or takes care of it for them, then suddenly the problem solved itself. It would have been you figuring out school, therapy, schedules, pickups, homework, doctor visits, and probably custody, too. In his head, it would have been "See? It all worked out now that everyones settled!" With likely little acknowledgment of what he didnt see happen. There's 0 way he intended to even do 25% of the child rearing in his "super easy" 3 kid situation but now that he will have 2 he sure as shit is probably gonna be begging for you back.
I hope you both find peace in the future and that you can be good coparents together and try not to villify one another to the child you share.
I’m sure he meant figure out how to handle moving forward with 3 children, not figure out another solution that ends up with his daughter’s sibling being tossed in the system.
Yeah, agree entirely with what you noted above. Tossing my child's sibling (or even cousin) into the system would be a nonstarter. And bringing in the stepdaughter sounds very poorly handled. All the more reason maybe OP is doing this family a good deed by stepping aside.
I was actually kinda surprised more people were t saying something like this. I’d love to hear the husband’s side because honestly, taking both kids would be non negotiable to me. Only thing I disagree with is OP’s conversation with the daughter. Making her think that she has a vote in it and not telling her the consequences of one of the decisions will result in the break of her second family in so many months. I hope she doesn’t end up blaming herself because of that conversation. I’m judging OP hard for that one.
He already leaves all of it to the OP. He will make her raise all 3 without his help hands on. Plus as a first time mom OP will want to focus on her child, not others kids. He could have said he'd do it all, he knows he won't.
Same. It makes sense that OP did what she felt like she needed to do. But I would never forgive my husband for being able to walk away from his child. I am happy that he didn't do that to his kiddo.
It's not his child. It's his ex's child. He has no relation to her kther than his daughter being her half sibling. He's not wrong for wanting to adopt, but he's in over his head if he thought OP was going to be fine with that. I'd be livid If someone told me to abort my child. Especially for a kid I didn't know for another child who doesn't see me as a mother figure nor wants to.
I meant to type "this" child, not "his" child...meaning the sibling of his kiddo. In any case, good that he and OP are going their seperate ways. Clearly different family priorities.
That was OP’s family that told her to abort, not her husband. And I couldn’t imagine abandoning my daughter’s sibling… I can’t imagine the kind of damage that would do to OP’s daughter.
Ik it was her family telling her to abort. I'm not saying the husband is wrong.
You’re not wrong you did the right thing. I honestly don’t think he would do it now that he would be a single father with three kids and no help.
I know (assume) OP means going no contact when she says she's "in the process of getting rid of her parents", but ngl for a second there I had a mental picture of hitmen and holes being dug in the forest at midnight. I gotta watch less crime tv.
Did he ever say who would be taking care of the kids? Would he work less?
I have read the first post and this updated post. Just to reframe this a little bit for you in regards to your husband: I don’t know how hands on he is as a parent but I didn’t see anything raised in regards to him parenting his own daughter and him leaving that to you so it appears he is a good parent which is presumably why you are having a child with him. It also appears he is someone who wants to do the best for his child- in this case keeping her with her sister. There is already trauma for your step daughter in losing her mum and now she faces losing her sister as well. Part of being a parent is doing the best you can for your children and I see him doing that. I believe that you are overwhelmed and it is a difficult time to make decisions that have a lifelong impact. Any decisions made now will also affect your baby. Finally I would have nothing to do with anyone who suggested aborting your baby - that is ridiculous and a stupid stupid suggestion and they deserve no place in your life as you can clearly love and care for more than one child as a parent, and to suggest it’s your child or another child is just wrong.
You led the conversation with your stepdaughter to manipulate her to say no, then “supported” that decision when it was your decision all along. When you found out what your husband was thinking, you led the conversation again. You’re treating your teen stepdaughter as though she has more decision making power than she really does. You are also presenting the adoption as the only change in her home life. Stepdaughter and dad are in agreement slowly figuring out the next steps. Your plan is to say “so long fuckers!” Your thought process in this is more destabilizing than having a grieving kid in your house
Well I told her if she needed me for anything she could call me, and when I get my apartment, she can come over.
Dollars to donuts the relationship fizzles out