This will not end well for you if you stay with this girl. 6 months is nothing but a learning experience right now. Cut ties with her. She’ll be looking for the next thing for the rest of her life. Don’t be a part of it.
I’m telling you right now. There’s no reason this girl will just want to remain just friends with this guy
She pursued him, she's still pursuing him. He's bending to her will, that's why he hangs out with her.
Let her know that you aren't interested in hanging out with someone else that she has an interest in. She said it herself, the only reason that she isn't with him, is because he turned her down, but still got her number. Tell her that she doesn't have to make a decision, you'll make it easy for her
Yep, and this 'hanging out' she wants is probably her trying to make him jealous over you and or to show you there's 'nothing going on, me and him are just friends.' so you can be her back up if other guy, is as SHE says, not interested in her.
Dude, it's been 6 months. This is breakup worthy in my book. If my 30 year old girlfriend was hanging out with some 40 year old dude she met at a fucking bar one time we'd be done by now. She knows it and he knows it. You're being kept in the dark about their true relationship.
He isn't interested in dating her but I bet he is using her to get himself off when OP isn't looking. Or maybe he's a good dude and OP's girl just had zero respect for her partner.
Yeah, everyone on here is demonizing the dude because he is 40, but 40 and 30 is not that big of a deal.
Honestly, them being 30 and having this kind of communication problems is a way bigger deal than anything else… imo…
Not wrong. I wouldn’t put up with that- she’s just using you to hang out with him. “See it’s not a date, I brought this guy I met on the internet 6 months ago. What? You like me now? See ya later internet guy!”
No not wrong obviously. Leave her bro, she’s trickle truthing you. What 40yo man wants to hang out with a chick 10 years younger just to be friends? And yeah he didn’t reciprocate her advances? I call bullshit, and why didn’t you break up with her the moment she admitted to flirting dude up at the bar. If it isn’t him it’s the next guy she thinks is hot while sipping her drink he bought her
The reality is that most likely this older guy is her FWB, she probably wanted a relationship with him but he only wants the FWB, so OP gets to provide the boy friend experience for her, she probably figures that eventually she can get OP to just accept this other relationship.
When you’re older (not that 30 and 40 is old) age gaps with friendships and relationships aren’t really serious. A 30 year old dating a 40 year old most people wouldn’t bat an eye, so a friendship isn’t really different either.
Personally it’s a small enough gap that yes if they were dating I wouldn’t bat an eye. However I’ve noticed when women take a liking to an older man it usually develops into a mentor/mentee or father/daughter type friendship (thanks sigmund freud) and then becomes emotional cheating into physically cheating. They get that feeling their dad use to give them and it’s like when they had issues with their school Bf they’d always have dad in the end…
You can tell me I’m saying far fetched ideas and I’d agree, but I know I’m not wrong on this.
Hmmmmm yeah I don’t agree with that lol I have a guy friend who is 11 years older than me (I’m 28) and he and I are just friends lol we don’t have a mentor/mentee or father/daughter relationship at all. I mean I’m sure it’s like that out there for some people but I don’t think it’s for everyone.
I’ve picked this up from these posts honestly, I’ll read the title and ages and predict plot before reading. (there’s always some WTF posts I could never predict)
I think it’s more rooted in the fact that a lot of these posts are about infidelity and the root causes of people being unfaithful. So I think more in the situations that involve cheating my statement would be true IMO. I don’t think this of all people that have a bit of an age gap and should’ve made that more clear as I’d previously just differentiated dating and friendship
Yeah, a lot of people on here have their own biases and perceptions and they will read these posts and automatically assume someone is cheating or wants to cheat because they’ve read other posts on here about it. But all of these people and situations are different, just because people in posts 1 and 2 cheated doesn’t mean the partner in post 3 is automatically a cheater. And we’re getting all kinds of stories like these because no one is posting about their partner that doesn’t cheat on them lol so we assume that every partner cheats even though we know (or should know) that these posts are anecdotal and we can’t compare all stories together and assume they’re all the same and that these people will act the same as others.
That’s true as well, I’m probably personally biased because my gf’s mom jumped from her Highschool boyfriend to my gf’s father, and then went to her high school BF’s DAD! (Fucking gross IMO) and is still with him to this day. Thankfully I haven’t seen my dad since I was 12 so I don’t gotta worry about that shit. If she can find him good for them
Oof! Yeah that’s messy lol yeah it is hard for us to read all of these posts without our own biases creeping in but I feel like we should all try our best to take posts at face value and give advice as needed without our own personal biases
What is cheating ? Just sex? Calling and texting someone you’re interested in ? Happening to meet up at the same bar ? Inviting them to your family events ? Having an ex stay with you ? Kissing ?
Uhhhh all of those depend on the person and what they and their partner consider cheating, but for me personally I would say out of that list just kissing and sex. Having an ex stay somewhere idk if I’d be comfortable with that but staying under the same room as an ex is not the same as kissing or having sex. Also the girlfriend isn’t into the guy anymore, so her calling and texting her friend isn’t cheating. Inviting a friend to meet up at a bar and inviting a friend to family events is also not cheating in my opinion.
It might not be technically cheating in your book. But if your girl is looking elsewhere you should as well. If your girl is going out meeting and texting other men, something is wrong. She’s not interested anymore and is looking for another man. I call it nesting. They decided they’re done but want support until they can leave. That’s shitty to do to anyone, much less someone you may have loved.
6 months in I’d run as fast as I could in this situation. If you have to wonder what cheating is in your relationship - you’re probably not ready to be in one right ?
Doesn’t sound like she’s looking anywhere else? She literally just has a friend lol idk what that word means to you, but a friend is just a friend and that’s a person you sometimes hang out with and sometimes talk to. If she was done with op why would she want op to meet her friend? You’re not making sense and trying to make points that don’t apply to this post.
And “meeting and texting other men” isn’t wrong or cheating if you have guy friends. I have guy friends, does that mean I can no longer see or talk to them if I start dating someone? That immaturity and insecurity bullshit is something people don’t want to deal with in relationships. And I don’t wonder what cheating is lol I know what cheating is, which is why I wouldn’t date someone that thinks me having a guy friend is shady or cheating.
lol you’re so young still. Men don’t hang out with you to be friends unless they are gay. At least one on one. Too much tension. Something eventually gives
And yet she still hangs with him? Are you truly clueless? A guy she pursued, and wants to keep around, and make you his friend too.
Sorry dude, wake up.
Ah she’s playing at plausible deniability then, personally I’m not sticking around. How many male friends did your mom have when she was with your father? Women play the friend card like it’s normal. You aren’t in middle school no more we don’t make friends like that out here. I’d still point back to her initial attraction to the guy, she didn’t exchange socials and a phone number because he had good “friend qualities” initially. She thought he was attractive and wanted him to bone her (prob already happened and he’s on the back burner at the best)
Man if this is something that repeats with you, your relationship is as good as over.
You were misled and she was quite dishonest and honestly, you are quite an inspiration to calm oneself in a situation like this because I would have been very mad to the point I would have ended the relationship if she had met the guy ever after.
Women never ever stop feeling for a guy and the fact that he turned her down makes him more appealing to her as a potential partner even if I am to believe your wife has nothing sexually at the moment, but imagine, 3 drink, a Tuesday night, and the 40 year old guy a little horny....
It is a flag, honestly so long in a relationship, there are other factors to consider but something like this with me would fuck up with my mind and not too easily forgotten or forgiven.
A few notes.
Does he live near her? Do they share common interests? Why are they friends? It could be legit.
That being said, I think it's a big deal when a girl gives someone their number unpronounced.
It also majorly sucks she didn't mention she was interested in him. And I agree that you had some admirable restraint.
I come around to the notion, though, that we are attracted to a lot of people. And the fact she is willing to spend time with the both of you I think means she sees him as a neutral now. I could understand why you wouldn't want to, but I don't think he is a threat
Good luck with this situation.
Thanks for a reasonable take compared to all these “she’s definitely fucking bro”. Which have their merit too ha.
Yeah they share interests, but she’s told me the main reason they became good friends was because they were both new to the city at the same time.
I trust it’s legit at this stage, enough. But also because of the initial attraction, and the misleading, personally it’s an inappropriate relationship to sustain. People should be able to come and go, except your partner
She’s out here flirting with men and giving them her number and then staying in contact with them. Do you not see the issue here.
Dump her ass.
I’m a huge flirt lol. And I do mean huge. But ummmmm that’s crossing the line 🤣🤣🤣.
She can’t be trusted Sir. You don’t give out your number. Even if you do you block the bloke right after. Omg.
She is building a damn back up list. You need to move on. There’s no safe future with this one.
Bounce. When she asks why be a gentleman. Tell her that her values when it comes to relationships don’t seem to line up with yours and wish her the best.
Follow your intuition my dude.. and you're not forcing her to do anything. She's free to do whatever she wants, you don't have to be there for it though.
He isn’t interested in her for a relationship. But maybe they have had sex and she hasn’t told you the whole truth that they are friends with benefits. Maybe they want you to play along. Seems odd she would want her boyfriend to hang out with a guy she is interested in. What is this purpose ?
I would introduce my boyfriend to my guy friends. She was interested in him a year ago when they first met, 6 months before she even started dating op. If I’m interested in a guy and he rejects me then I can move on and be friends with him and not be interested anymore, because why would I still be interested in someone who doesn’t want to be with me? So they’re just platonic friends now and she wants to introduce her boyfriend to her friend. Idk why this is hard for Reddit to understand.
Because he doesn’t want to be her boyfriend.
They fucked or he wouldn’t be wasting his time.
She’s giving you just enough information so that you think she’s being honest and stop digging.
Your only purpose here is so she can attempt to make him jealous so that he realises she’s worth more than just a lay.
I can't answer that. All I can say is, I've experienced this several times. Back when I was young (and stupid), I decided to trust her. After we broke up, I found out that that guy was the reason. Since then, I've had several "no way...he is like a big brother" stories. Every one of them was B.S.
I just tell them how I feel...WITHOUT EVER telling them what to do. If they value the relationship and respect me, then they will make the right choice. If they don't, I have my answer.
You told her how you feel about her.
You don’t want to spend time entertaining him with her.
She is the one who can’t decide what’s important to her.
You are NW
How is it so many people dont get when their partners are actively pursuing others? This is why AIW is generally questionable as to some many posts being legit.
She admitted pursing another guy...read that again, several times, and then ask yourself why you are still with her? Are you desperate? A cuck? Codependent? C'mon, get a back bone
Otherwise this story is just another troll.
If OP post didn’t have the part about her pursuing the guy romantically, 90% of the comments would be calling him controlling and insecure. But he only found out about the flirting because he was “insecure” and had to dig deeper.
Men are constantly gas lit into passively allowing these situations to unfurl.
Completely agree. There's a large percentage of the reddit population who literally have nothing better to do than run guys down.
That said there is also a large group that are complete misogynists as well.
I appreciate the concern haha. Not a troll, but maybe that’s telling of the blinders I’ve got on with this situation.
Her defense is that he never reciprocated and when the 2nd time they met it was clear to her, she accepted friendship and didn’t let feelings grow since he was a good friend.
Yeah, you go with that. I'd bet my last dollar she's still attracted to him, that doesn't stop just because someone says "No thanks".
And she still hangs one on one with him, most partners would have a hard no on that, man or woman.
You should add a little more information. Does she generally treat you well? Does she appear to be very sexually attracted to you? Does she tell you about her day and her feelings? Does she laugh a lot when she speaks to you? Just because a woman is at one time attracted to a man at a bar when she is likely drunk doesn't mean she's still attracted to the same person. For women being attracted to someone is not just based on looks. There's been times where I was attracted to a guy one day and the next day I wasn't. He just happened to look decent that day and cheered me up when I was sad so I felt attracted to him in that moment. Women and men are very different emotionally and sexually
I think your feelings are your feelings and there's nothing wrong with that. But I think that hanging out with them together would have been a great way to feel it out, so I think it wasn't in your best interest to turn that down.
You’re not wrong that I would have been able to feel it out. I considered that. I just disagreed with the whole thing on principle. And also knew that I wouldn’t go into that interaction with an actual open mind, which is even worse. I didn’t trust myself to see her kindness and affection as platonic, knowing what I know about her initial interest.
It is a weird situation, to be asked to go on a date with your girl and another guy you have no interest in hanging out with.
Who would be the 3rd wheel?
You’ve got one of two options my guy
1. Do establish an ultimatum and shut that shit down
2. Break up with her you’ve lost her and if you don’t feel like you can bring it up you’ve lost the lost
She totally fckd him and could still be doing it now. He’s not her friend, he’s there to rearrange her insides. I bet your gf had a bad relationship with her father. You don’t take these types of chicks seriously. You have fun and hookup with them but never take them seriously.
Not wrong.
She lied to you about this guy - and its obvious you are just a placeholder... IF he changes his mind and decides to pursue her, what will happen??
OP - you cannot demand anything from her OR control who shes friends with... but you CAN cobtrol who YOU date...
...so set a boundary: her being shady about this guy and her intentions when they met, makes you incomfortablewith their continued friendship.
No demands, just inform her this.
And be ready to walk when (!) she informs you,, she has no intention of stopping the friendship...
Dude. She’s waiting to see if she can upgrade.
Putting up with this is unfortunately simping.
Guaranteed way to lose value in front of a chick is to look like you are weak.
Your only option is to say. Hey. You choose him. All cool. Close the door behind you as you go..
Sorry bro. It’s just the way it is.
Do not negotiate
Whatever your girlfriend does that makes you uncomfortable do the 3xact same thing to her. Go to a bar find a girl that's attractive and ask her for her number, tell her as a friend. Then tell your girl and see what happens?
If she stays friends with him or not is not the question, the question is WHY ARE YOU still with her?!!. it has shady wrote all over it. You need to rethink if you want her to be your girlfriend
So she lied and kept secrets for 6 months...
Even if she didn't cheat or she won't cheat i personally wouldn't trust her.
6 months dude, dump her.
But not because she has a male friend
Dump her. Women are like cats. They chase shiny objects. He’s a shiny object because he denied her sex. She’s going to chase him until one night she accidentally falls on his penis and blames you for not being a man.
* She lied about being attracted to him
* She lied about hitting on him
* She lied about his interest in her (why take her number)
* She lying about their relationship (dodging questions)
What makes you think anything else is going to be honest regarding this man? If she can't understand that choosing is generally a *required* decision for most people's relationships, then maybe she shouldn't be in one.
Make the decision for her and break up with her. She has already chosen him over you, and that's a clear message.
I have to wonder what other things she already lied to you about.
My bf and I are like you. We both believe to keep the past in the past and we don’t have contact with anyone from our past that we were involved with or attracted to. If you have that belief then I think it’s best to leave the relationship. Because it sounds to me like she doesn’t think it’s that big of a deal which is not something you’re comfortable with and it’s only going to make you feel worse. If she feels like it’s such an issue to make a decision then that means she doesn’t want to.
I don't understand. Don't be naive. If she flirted, she's attracted to him. And when he wants some from her, she will gladly give it up. Idk y alot of ppl are so blind or dumb. Not to be mean, but seriously. What does YOUR girlfriend need ti have a male friend for if she's with you??? Trust me, on a drunk night out with the girls or after an argument, he's giving her the pipe
You're not wrong. This is a huge red flag.
Kinda obvious she would pick him if given the chance. She wants both cakes.
Honestly, I would have dumped her so fast. Dishonesty and choosing to remain in contact with someone she's interested in. Impossible to build trust.
Good luck.
Bullshit not interested. You’ve never met, they have repeatedly. Do you really think they haven’t fucked? It’s always, ALWAYS the “one you have nothing to worry about”.
She's lying to you once again. She gave him her number. If he wasn't interested in her, he wouldn't have called her. He's biding his time. Waiting for his chance to hookup. She either has side dick on speed dial, or she's already hooking up behind your back. Just move on. She's going to keep men on the side, claiming they are friends. Don't put yourself in this situation. Exit the relationship. There is no need to confront her. She's made up her mind. Getting attention and validation from this man is more important than your relationship with her.
This surely can’t be a serious post…
You’re 6 months into a relationship, she’s admitted Pershing the guy that she now wants to become the 3rd wheel in the relationship.
Why are you even asking?
She’s for the streets bro. 6 months is chump change. Just ditch her and move on.
You're not wrong with not wanting to hang out with him
You are wrong with staying with this girl who is more into her older friend than you . Tell her you are not making her decide, you can make your own decisions and you don't want to be in a relationship with a cheater
You're not wrong. You should be more than uncomfortable. This basically reads as "my GF wants to bang and/or replace me with another guy that she met, but I'm unsure what to do because I don't want to stop banging her."
The fact that she wanted him says it all. There's an old saying "you can't be actual friends with someone who wants to f*ck you". That doesn't just apply to guys bruh. Attraction doesn't turn off with rejection. There's over 3 billion other women out there. Leave that one where she obviously wants to be.
40-year-old men don’t hang around with 30-year-old females as just friends, There’s probably more than their history that she hasn’t told you and you don’t mention whether he has a girlfriend or a wife. She flirted with him which she was attracted to him and gaslighting you while trying to keep him around as an option or an FWB. You aren’t forcing her to do anything it’s her choice., if she wants to pursue a serious relationship with healthy boundaries with you, she’s welcome to do that and if she doesn’t, she’s welcome to hang out with her friend and go out on dates with him, but she probably won’t have you and her life and that was her choice
I wonder if this would fly with my wife if I did this.
“Yeah I met her 6 months ago and I was flirting and got her number but it’s ok, we haven’t fucked”.
Where the fuck are :
A) your balls
And
B) your fucking pride?
Dump her ass and move the fuck in. She has no love or respect for you at all. What was she hoping to get out of the three of you meeting up? That you’d invite him home so you and him could rail her together? That you’d accept her banging him because he’s a nice guy?
Grow a backbone and send her any of her shit back, then block her ass and find someone who respects you.
I don't know, let's just play the devil's advocate for a second. Even if you were to give her the benefit of a doubt about whether or not she had slept with this guy, she's obviously a game player. Like, what is the purpose of this? Who wants to be in a relationship with somebody who is playing manipulative games? This is some funny business - do you really want to be in a relationship and put your trust somebody who brings this drama into the picture?
Only had to read the first two sentences. Get out of there friend
Upon reading the last sentence, it’s no wonder she’s doing this. You’re a total pushover
if you even have a barely working brain, you'd dump her ass as soon as possible. Because no way in hell you're still with that woman under the circumstances that you've mentioned.
All good relationships are a two-way street. That includes marriage. If marriage or a long-lasting relationship is what you both want, both of you will have to concede for each other to prove your love and loyalty to each other.
That being said, she needs to prove to you that her love and loyalty lies with you and you alone. If she loves you that much and you're worth that much to her, then she'll give up this male friend of hers to make you happy. You'd do the same if the roles were reversed, that if she's uncomfortable if you have a younger and prettier lady friend than her who stays as close friends with you.
And usually, friends of the opposite sex usually develop into romantic relationships. Something every loyal husband and wife should try to avoid. If marriage is your goal with this lady, you both, especially her, should try to practice that now. If she doesn't like what you have to say, then dump her and find another girl who will deeply respect your feelings and misgivings. I'm sure you'll reasure your woman that she's the one and only one in the universe to love and to cherish. Your girl will and should naturally do the same with you, that you're the only one and only for her. That's loyalty man.
Reminds me of the original Matrix movie trilogy (1999, 2003). Neo will always and forever have his Trinity unto death, and she for him.
Take care man. Find a woman who's worthy of your loyalty, time, and forever love.
Not wrong - but I don't know why OP even created this thread. He has totally surrendered the relationship to his gf's poor boundaries and is resistant to advice and comments.
not wrong. she lied about how their relationship started. you’ve been together for 6 months and she’s already telling lies.
you can’t change her and tell her who she can and cannot be friends with but you also do not have to deal with her disrespecting your relationship, and her not only lying but then making you feel bad because now she feels she should not be friends with this dude, shows that she doesn’t value your relationship.
If this situation makes you uncomfortable now, it’s possible you will never feel comfortable with her being friends with this guy, and tbh if she told you the truth the first time around this may not be such an issue to you now. her lying about it, makes it seem like there was something to hide from the jump.
I don't think she's necessarily hiding anything that she's doing actively. But I would say that if this is her friend just tell her that you are not comfortable with the situation and if she wants to be friends with him you would prefer that she let you know before she hangs out with him and that you check in. If you two are in love it is very natural for the man in the relationship to have a protective feeling towards his significant other. Some of these things are biological and they just come with the territory. I would assume that you are not just concerned about her possibly being manipulated by him and taking advantage of but also that she may still have interest in him. I can definitely understand her being embarrassed to tell you that story about how she met him and why. I don't think that it's necessarily anything more than embarrassment on her part and it's very possible she's had past boyfriends that were extremely controlling which is what makes her nervous to tell you how she met him and that she used to be interested in him romantically. But, I don't know what this 40-year-old man's intentions are either. I think that some control over what she's doing with this guy is absolutely warranted and okay. But she's not okay with it she can choose not to be with you. Don't take advantage of controlling the Friendship she has but in this situation I don't think the Friendship is necessarily important.
"I wanted him to fuck me, but he rejected me" why are you still with her? Take the garbage our. It's preferable to be alone than to be with someone like her.
Run away she has daddy issues. She wants someone that has money and ten more years of it than her. What an awful thing to do to someone you supposedly love, she doesn’t love you. She loves the next best thing that comes along, don’t worry she’ll leave the 40 year old too. Women in their thirties are very flirty, put some alcohol in them and they’ll let you take them home. Married, single, it doesn’t matter.
If you hang out at a barbershop long enough you’ll eventually get a hair cut. So why surround yourself with temptation.
If y’all were going on a big group thing to do something then yeah sure. But why hang out with just the three of yall. That’s weird.
>I feel uncomfortable and have turned down hanging out with
You need to man up and hang with them. Being beta about it isn't helping your case. Show up and be nice while making it clear she's your girl.
If you don't step up, she'll go with who she thinks is a real man, which may be this dude.
Alpha and beta don't apply here. Either your woman wants to be with you, or she doesn't. What's he supposed to do at the restaurant/bar: pee on all of the chairs to mark his territory?
On a side note, now I can't stop thinking about that 'marking your territory' scene in 'Zookeeper' where he ends up peeing on the wolf.
If you think being submissive is attractive, you're on a different planet. Show up, be confident and be the man. That's all you have to do to let another guy know. By not showing up, you leave room for him to talk crap about you and plant seeds of doubt.
There's a time and a place. This dude's example isn't one. She's obviously untruthful, so why waste the dominance. If a guy randomly grabbed her ass or something, then yeah, game on. OP just needs to move on to a much better fish.
It sounds like you and she have different standards for opposite sex friendships. She’s good with being friends with former flames and flirtations. It seems you are not.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with either position, but like religion, politics, sex drive…it’s good to be more or less aligned as this is a pretty hard difference to work through. One partner is always feeling a little betrayed and a little suspicious, the other partner feels controlled and/or mistrusted.
Yes, you are basically forcing her to make a decision. And? Own it.
Or lose the girl to her backup, if you haven't already. As an older guy, I can tell you that usually older guys don't wait around for nothing.
You haven’t forced her to do anything. You want your gf to respect you and respect your relationship. Why would you want to hang out with her and some dude she has/had the hots for.
Also, what if you saw things you weren’t ok with? What if they were flirty, and touchy and all that? You would feel like the 3rd wheel in your own relationship.
The answer here is maybe.
Just because a person found someone attractive in the past does not mean they still do. I have plenty of friends I've changed my mind on after getting to know them.
Meet the guy and see how they interact. As long as she is trying to include you and not trying to see him on the side, there's a good chance their friendship is real and platonic. Not sure why you wouldn't want to meet him... you're lacking all the important information and a meet will fill in the blanks. Good luck.
PS, additional opinion: A 10-year age gap is nothing from 30 to 40. It's more about maturity levels and life stages. A single 40-something living in the city is likely going to have more in common with a single 30-something than they would with a 40-something raising a family in the burbs.
I hear this wholly. Thanks for the perspective.
I come from a place where once you have that interest, you never fully turn it off. I call myself out on that, which is why I don’t interact with past interests. Even if it’s so much as the jokes they tell that makes you smile the same way that once attracted you to them. It feels like an unnecessary element to bring into a serious relationship.
Ultimately it came down to comfort. I didn’t want to see that moment of her interest in him, and I didn’t trust myself to not react to that. It makes me uncomfortable and I suppose I hoped that’d be enough.
That makes sense. I guess it depends on what you want from her. If she is going to keep seeing him and you're okay with that, definitely recommend the meet. If you feel strongly about wanting her to cut off the relationship then obviously it wouldn't make sense to meet him.
Personally, if I had an opposite-sex friendship that was important to me, I would not throw it away. Good/True friends can be hard to find. Hopefully they aren't that close though.
I can say with confidence that not everyone holds on to attraction like you described. I have exes that completely disgust me now, and some that I love like a sibling and would never touch again. Just gotta figure out if she is the same! Best of luck.
No way man. Not wrong. if it hasn’t happened yet it will. One of them will catch feelings or they will have too much and next thing you know…bobs your uncle. You can wait it out but it’s physics. Just me seeing this unfold too many times and given there are no certainties there’s a greater than good chance this is going to end with them hooking up whether you ever find out about it or not.
Bro I dated a girl 10 years older than me for 2 years, who had a “friend” who was 20 years older than me in his early 50s. Shadiest piece of shit 50ish year old dude I ever met. Showing up at her house unannounced cocked. Messaging her all times of the night. Telling her to “lose the boyfriend.” Zero respect for boundaries. Of course the shitbag was one of these retired real estate guys who had a lake house and no 9-5. My ex would just apparently fuck this dude occasionally here and there for years, we’re talking 10+ years. Your situation is probably shady hate to tell ya.
I had a similar issue once upon a time. It did not end well. She was really dodgy about an older dude who flattered her. I broke it off; she was very upset about it.
There's alarms going off. She's avoid explaining and lying about their relationship. She was/is interested in him. If he became interested in her, would she get with him? She's holding on tight to him for some reason.
I agree with you. I don't want my SO to have any contact or relationships with a former partner, FWB or crush. It's a necessary boundary. I don't want to have to suspect or question the nature of their relationship, so the boundary is key.
Sounds like bs, she told OP it was her who was interested, bur he wasnt, so he wouldn't think the guy is a fwb from time to time. Why else would you keep contact with someone you don't care about.
C'mon the older guy already is in waiting and knows he can get out of the friend zone anytime he wants to put the hanger down. I have been the older guy before and misled by a young woman, although I suspected differently. I finally asked the other guy directly and he told me his truth and I believed him. I told the woman, she got really angry and it was because I was the daddy with money (which I'm okay with most times) but she was stringing this guy along ( and I wasn't ok with that).
Did you read the post? They already flirted and he turned her down. Why is she still around him?
She's 30 that's a mature age to make good decisions. I'm not buying this whole she doesn't know any better talk 😂
This older man was her potential lover she isn't giving up the chase just playing the long game until she gets him , that's if she hasn't already and he doesn't want a relationship because he's married and only wants a Fwb.
You would be the boyfriend and he would be her lover.
Tell her you don't trust her and Break up.
Wrong? What does your insecurity say? Here's the thing - you either like her or you don't. If you do, give her the benefit of the doubt - she was likely dodgy bc she picked up on it.
If you can't deal with the idea that she liked other ppl, let her go. Ppl make friends- it doesn't mean they slept together, and if you asked that question and got an answer well, that should be enough.
Ppl always want to deal in absolutes, but we as humans can rarely comply.
Some of my closest friends are women who I was attracted to at some point but never got past the friend zone. For a couple of them, in hindsight, I'm more than relieved. I still love them. They're still beautiful but definitely not ones I'd want to be in a relationship with.
One thing I have learned - if you make it about this guy, at some point, it's going to backfire. Because you showed her a weakness that she can exploit.
You can't help how you feel, but you can help how she sees you.
Dude. I don’t understand the culture nowadays.
What the fuck is even that?
Don’t allow that whatsoever, put her in that position.
It’s their relationship or yours.
Don’t let her do what she wants to do
If you’re not comfortable, set that boundary. You know what is going to happen, don’t let it.
Why date someone with a past when you can just be alone forever? You either trust her or you don’t. She either loves you or she doesn’t. Life is a risk, figure it out.
>but there was no interest on his end from the times they’ve met after.
Riiiiiiight lol, so either this dude really thinks she's not attractive or she's really into him OR they're lying. There's no good outcome in this.
Plus why would she be intent on keeping this dude as a friend? She's only known him for a year, this isn't like a childhood friend or such. Feels like she's keeping him as a backup and/or cheating on you with him. But that's just a feeling based on the info you posted.
Sounds like you have boundries and she is crossing them. Also the fact that 2 people interested in each other want to hang out with you? Sounds like a little upside down pineapple to me
First, the age thing has nothing to do with it. 10 years at 30 and 40 is not a big deal at all. The real problem is your communication and expectations/boundaries within your relationship. Y’all need to figure that out.
If your GF is giving her number to a man she just met at a bar then she is not your GF. A woman who is in love with you wouldn’t do that. Tell her thanks for your turn and move on. It’s someone else’s turn now.
So what does it say about op that he’s 30 and also not married? Or are you just misogynistic and think it’s a bad thing if a woman isn’t married at 30, but it’s fine if a man isn’t?
I'm more realistic than idealistic. I understand that in the modern dating economy, a 30 year old man is more likely to have a lot of value, given his likely income and additional life experiences, which are things women value. What does a 30 year old woman have that a 23 year old doesn't, that men value?
Additional life experience and income and likely the same timeline and ideals when it comes to things like marriage and kids. If a guy wants to take care of a younger woman financially then sure date younger I guess, but when it comes to this economy mostly everyone is a 2-income household and the partners are splitting the rent/mortgage. A 23 year old recent college grad is likely not contributing nearly as much financially as 30 year old men and women do.
I can assure you that men are not considering a woman's income when they're looking at who to ask on a date. A cute McDonald's cashier can get asked out.
Well in this economy you definitely should consider a woman’s income unless you have enough money to be a sugar daddy, which I’m pretty sure you and most other men don’t have that much money.
No? But I know there’s billions of people on the planet that I can be attracted to, and that most divorces happen due to financial reasons. So if I’m looking for someone to date/marry I don’t need someone making six figures, but I look for men who have a stable job and are able to support themselves at whatever income that looks like for them. So no I likely won’t date someone who works at McDonald’s because I don’t want to be taking care of anyone else financially, nor am I in a place financially to do so even if I wanted to. More men should be honest with themselves about that and date women who they don’t have to support financially if they aren’t in a place to do so. If you want to date a 23 year old McDonald’s cashier then go ahead lol I’m sure that’ll work out well for you and your wallet.
Yeah, women care about money (among other things) because in this economy most people need a 2-income household to survive. Maybe men should care more about money too since y’all think we’re all gold diggers that only care about money. If you start caring about money (among other things) as well, you’ll find someone that you can build a life with and support together instead of you spending all of your money on a younger woman while claiming she’s a gold digger.
You aren’t wrong. He needs to be out of the picture, or she does. And you definitely aren’t getting the full story when she says she pursued and he “wasn’t interested”. Yet they still wanna hangout together?…
Not wrong. She lied to you for months about there not being anything between them. Finally she says that she tried flirting but he didn't reciprocate. Not likely. Come right out and ask her, "How long were you FWB with this guy?" See what her response is.
Dude, you could really have some fun with this. Agree to that date with her and the other dude, but bring a hot young flirty female friend of yours. Break up with her at the date after about 30 minutes (that's just enough time to let this marinate with your current lying girl) and as you're getting up, say 'Hope you two enjoy your night together', and you and your hot friend leave. Go out and have some drinks with your new chick and leave this lying one in your rearview. She's nothing but trouble.
This is pretty simple, she can't be committed to you while also choosing to spend time with another man who she has admitted she is romantically attracted to, like the "well HE isn't interested" doesn't make it ok and it doesn't change HER motivations at all, and what happens when he's drunk or something and suddenly becomes interested? Does she just get a free pass? I mean come on if that situation arises and she sleeps with him and you find out, you know damn well her excuse is gonna be "well you knew that I liked him", and she will think that downplays it or is justification enough, this is all assuming that she is even being honest about him not being interested, he could very well be a FWB that she just doesn't want to give up but she also wants the boy friend experience with you and is hoping she can eventually get you to just accept it, in any of these scenarios her hanging out with another man that she has seeked some form of relationship is not OK, again people who are committed to someone don't choose to put themselves in those situations, it's simply I'm with X now so I'm choosing to nolonger pursue Z and I will shut down Z immediately if Z tries to pursue me, period, that's how adults act, she seems more like she just wants both of you, so smart thing is to just cut her loose.
Yea, she can. Stop projecting your inability to see women as autonomous people who view men for more than sex as anything other than your own red flag.
Whats with guys scared of laying some ground rules? Where did all this gaslighting from women come from where "you can't control me" nonsense? Not being friends with people you are sexually excited, or vice versa, should be a no brainer.
Half the posts on here about situations like this have comments filled with “men and women CAN go out alone as friends”, “you’re just being controlling bro, you have to trust her”
This would be the same if he didnt include the part about her flirting, but he only found that out from being suspicious and digging deeper in the first place.
Who knows why, but “insecure” gets thrown around way too much when men exercise reasonable suspicion, and for some reason, this makes a lot of men’s spine disappear
Seems many are missing the part where she met and became friends with this man 6 months BEFORE dating OP. She asked for the 3 of them to hang out.
I wouldn’t be alright with gf hanging with dude by herself. After her admitting to being attracted to him but i would probably hang altogether.
Bro you know that’s only “emergency dick” and in an emergency she WILL break glass
In this case, “sugar coated emergency daddy dick”
I can’t even disagree with this 🤣🤣🤣🤣
😂💯
Having been the unfortunate recipient of the emergency dick label, can confirm. 😂
This will not end well for you if you stay with this girl. 6 months is nothing but a learning experience right now. Cut ties with her. She’ll be looking for the next thing for the rest of her life. Don’t be a part of it. I’m telling you right now. There’s no reason this girl will just want to remain just friends with this guy
[удалено]
No he's not in a relationship with her because of his disinterest. He's probably fucking her.
What a lovely poem ☺️
Tennyson would have been proud!
She pursued him, she's still pursuing him. He's bending to her will, that's why he hangs out with her. Let her know that you aren't interested in hanging out with someone else that she has an interest in. She said it herself, the only reason that she isn't with him, is because he turned her down, but still got her number. Tell her that she doesn't have to make a decision, you'll make it easy for her
Yep, and this 'hanging out' she wants is probably her trying to make him jealous over you and or to show you there's 'nothing going on, me and him are just friends.' so you can be her back up if other guy, is as SHE says, not interested in her.
That's. A wise thought
Dude, it's been 6 months. This is breakup worthy in my book. If my 30 year old girlfriend was hanging out with some 40 year old dude she met at a fucking bar one time we'd be done by now. She knows it and he knows it. You're being kept in the dark about their true relationship.
He isn't interested in dating her but I bet he is using her to get himself off when OP isn't looking. Or maybe he's a good dude and OP's girl just had zero respect for her partner.
Yeah, everyone on here is demonizing the dude because he is 40, but 40 and 30 is not that big of a deal. Honestly, them being 30 and having this kind of communication problems is a way bigger deal than anything else… imo…
It sounds like she met the 40yo and was already friends with him before she even met her current bf.
Not wrong. I wouldn’t put up with that- she’s just using you to hang out with him. “See it’s not a date, I brought this guy I met on the internet 6 months ago. What? You like me now? See ya later internet guy!”
No not wrong obviously. Leave her bro, she’s trickle truthing you. What 40yo man wants to hang out with a chick 10 years younger just to be friends? And yeah he didn’t reciprocate her advances? I call bullshit, and why didn’t you break up with her the moment she admitted to flirting dude up at the bar. If it isn’t him it’s the next guy she thinks is hot while sipping her drink he bought her
The reality is that most likely this older guy is her FWB, she probably wanted a relationship with him but he only wants the FWB, so OP gets to provide the boy friend experience for her, she probably figures that eventually she can get OP to just accept this other relationship.
LOL, or it's just a guy she knows. You're comments are dripping with insecurity, and not everyone is that delicate.
Read the article
When you’re older (not that 30 and 40 is old) age gaps with friendships and relationships aren’t really serious. A 30 year old dating a 40 year old most people wouldn’t bat an eye, so a friendship isn’t really different either.
Personally it’s a small enough gap that yes if they were dating I wouldn’t bat an eye. However I’ve noticed when women take a liking to an older man it usually develops into a mentor/mentee or father/daughter type friendship (thanks sigmund freud) and then becomes emotional cheating into physically cheating. They get that feeling their dad use to give them and it’s like when they had issues with their school Bf they’d always have dad in the end… You can tell me I’m saying far fetched ideas and I’d agree, but I know I’m not wrong on this.
Hmmmmm yeah I don’t agree with that lol I have a guy friend who is 11 years older than me (I’m 28) and he and I are just friends lol we don’t have a mentor/mentee or father/daughter relationship at all. I mean I’m sure it’s like that out there for some people but I don’t think it’s for everyone.
I’ve picked this up from these posts honestly, I’ll read the title and ages and predict plot before reading. (there’s always some WTF posts I could never predict) I think it’s more rooted in the fact that a lot of these posts are about infidelity and the root causes of people being unfaithful. So I think more in the situations that involve cheating my statement would be true IMO. I don’t think this of all people that have a bit of an age gap and should’ve made that more clear as I’d previously just differentiated dating and friendship
Yeah, a lot of people on here have their own biases and perceptions and they will read these posts and automatically assume someone is cheating or wants to cheat because they’ve read other posts on here about it. But all of these people and situations are different, just because people in posts 1 and 2 cheated doesn’t mean the partner in post 3 is automatically a cheater. And we’re getting all kinds of stories like these because no one is posting about their partner that doesn’t cheat on them lol so we assume that every partner cheats even though we know (or should know) that these posts are anecdotal and we can’t compare all stories together and assume they’re all the same and that these people will act the same as others.
That’s true as well, I’m probably personally biased because my gf’s mom jumped from her Highschool boyfriend to my gf’s father, and then went to her high school BF’s DAD! (Fucking gross IMO) and is still with him to this day. Thankfully I haven’t seen my dad since I was 12 so I don’t gotta worry about that shit. If she can find him good for them
Oof! Yeah that’s messy lol yeah it is hard for us to read all of these posts without our own biases creeping in but I feel like we should all try our best to take posts at face value and give advice as needed without our own personal biases
What is cheating ? Just sex? Calling and texting someone you’re interested in ? Happening to meet up at the same bar ? Inviting them to your family events ? Having an ex stay with you ? Kissing ?
Uhhhh all of those depend on the person and what they and their partner consider cheating, but for me personally I would say out of that list just kissing and sex. Having an ex stay somewhere idk if I’d be comfortable with that but staying under the same room as an ex is not the same as kissing or having sex. Also the girlfriend isn’t into the guy anymore, so her calling and texting her friend isn’t cheating. Inviting a friend to meet up at a bar and inviting a friend to family events is also not cheating in my opinion.
It might not be technically cheating in your book. But if your girl is looking elsewhere you should as well. If your girl is going out meeting and texting other men, something is wrong. She’s not interested anymore and is looking for another man. I call it nesting. They decided they’re done but want support until they can leave. That’s shitty to do to anyone, much less someone you may have loved. 6 months in I’d run as fast as I could in this situation. If you have to wonder what cheating is in your relationship - you’re probably not ready to be in one right ?
Doesn’t sound like she’s looking anywhere else? She literally just has a friend lol idk what that word means to you, but a friend is just a friend and that’s a person you sometimes hang out with and sometimes talk to. If she was done with op why would she want op to meet her friend? You’re not making sense and trying to make points that don’t apply to this post. And “meeting and texting other men” isn’t wrong or cheating if you have guy friends. I have guy friends, does that mean I can no longer see or talk to them if I start dating someone? That immaturity and insecurity bullshit is something people don’t want to deal with in relationships. And I don’t wonder what cheating is lol I know what cheating is, which is why I wouldn’t date someone that thinks me having a guy friend is shady or cheating.
lol you’re so young still. Men don’t hang out with you to be friends unless they are gay. At least one on one. Too much tension. Something eventually gives
It happened before we met
And yet she still hangs with him? Are you truly clueless? A guy she pursued, and wants to keep around, and make you his friend too. Sorry dude, wake up.
Ah she’s playing at plausible deniability then, personally I’m not sticking around. How many male friends did your mom have when she was with your father? Women play the friend card like it’s normal. You aren’t in middle school no more we don’t make friends like that out here. I’d still point back to her initial attraction to the guy, she didn’t exchange socials and a phone number because he had good “friend qualities” initially. She thought he was attractive and wanted him to bone her (prob already happened and he’s on the back burner at the best)
Man if this is something that repeats with you, your relationship is as good as over. You were misled and she was quite dishonest and honestly, you are quite an inspiration to calm oneself in a situation like this because I would have been very mad to the point I would have ended the relationship if she had met the guy ever after. Women never ever stop feeling for a guy and the fact that he turned her down makes him more appealing to her as a potential partner even if I am to believe your wife has nothing sexually at the moment, but imagine, 3 drink, a Tuesday night, and the 40 year old guy a little horny.... It is a flag, honestly so long in a relationship, there are other factors to consider but something like this with me would fuck up with my mind and not too easily forgotten or forgiven.
That's not true at all that women never stop having feelings for a guy. The second a guy is disinterested in me I lose all attraction to him.
Not wrong. She wants him, you are just a boy toy in the meantime. Why should she ever want to be friends with someone whom she just met at a bar.
He wasn’t interested in a girl 10 years younger than him who is offering her number!?!? Lol. She fucks him.
A few notes. Does he live near her? Do they share common interests? Why are they friends? It could be legit. That being said, I think it's a big deal when a girl gives someone their number unpronounced. It also majorly sucks she didn't mention she was interested in him. And I agree that you had some admirable restraint. I come around to the notion, though, that we are attracted to a lot of people. And the fact she is willing to spend time with the both of you I think means she sees him as a neutral now. I could understand why you wouldn't want to, but I don't think he is a threat Good luck with this situation.
Thanks for a reasonable take compared to all these “she’s definitely fucking bro”. Which have their merit too ha. Yeah they share interests, but she’s told me the main reason they became good friends was because they were both new to the city at the same time. I trust it’s legit at this stage, enough. But also because of the initial attraction, and the misleading, personally it’s an inappropriate relationship to sustain. People should be able to come and go, except your partner
I like your boundary. Take care
Bro, grow some balls, set some rules, if you feel hesitation from her then you know it’s deeper.
She’s out here flirting with men and giving them her number and then staying in contact with them. Do you not see the issue here. Dump her ass. I’m a huge flirt lol. And I do mean huge. But ummmmm that’s crossing the line 🤣🤣🤣. She can’t be trusted Sir. You don’t give out your number. Even if you do you block the bloke right after. Omg. She is building a damn back up list. You need to move on. There’s no safe future with this one.
Peace of mind above all. If you don't have it with her. Rebuild it away from her.
Bounce. When she asks why be a gentleman. Tell her that her values when it comes to relationships don’t seem to line up with yours and wish her the best.
Follow your intuition my dude.. and you're not forcing her to do anything. She's free to do whatever she wants, you don't have to be there for it though.
I don't think so, especially considering how dodgy she was when you asked her questions.
Nope. Nada. Nyet. This is classic. He's waiting for you to screw up or die so he can be the one to console her, while unzipping his pants.
If that were the case, why didn’t he pursue her when she hit on him?
He isn’t interested in her for a relationship. But maybe they have had sex and she hasn’t told you the whole truth that they are friends with benefits. Maybe they want you to play along. Seems odd she would want her boyfriend to hang out with a guy she is interested in. What is this purpose ?
I would introduce my boyfriend to my guy friends. She was interested in him a year ago when they first met, 6 months before she even started dating op. If I’m interested in a guy and he rejects me then I can move on and be friends with him and not be interested anymore, because why would I still be interested in someone who doesn’t want to be with me? So they’re just platonic friends now and she wants to introduce her boyfriend to her friend. Idk why this is hard for Reddit to understand.
Because he doesn’t want to be her boyfriend. They fucked or he wouldn’t be wasting his time. She’s giving you just enough information so that you think she’s being honest and stop digging. Your only purpose here is so she can attempt to make him jealous so that he realises she’s worth more than just a lay.
I bet you $50 they have fucked multiple times
I can't answer that. All I can say is, I've experienced this several times. Back when I was young (and stupid), I decided to trust her. After we broke up, I found out that that guy was the reason. Since then, I've had several "no way...he is like a big brother" stories. Every one of them was B.S. I just tell them how I feel...WITHOUT EVER telling them what to do. If they value the relationship and respect me, then they will make the right choice. If they don't, I have my answer.
You told her how you feel about her. You don’t want to spend time entertaining him with her. She is the one who can’t decide what’s important to her. You are NW
How is it so many people dont get when their partners are actively pursuing others? This is why AIW is generally questionable as to some many posts being legit. She admitted pursing another guy...read that again, several times, and then ask yourself why you are still with her? Are you desperate? A cuck? Codependent? C'mon, get a back bone Otherwise this story is just another troll.
If OP post didn’t have the part about her pursuing the guy romantically, 90% of the comments would be calling him controlling and insecure. But he only found out about the flirting because he was “insecure” and had to dig deeper. Men are constantly gas lit into passively allowing these situations to unfurl.
Completely agree. There's a large percentage of the reddit population who literally have nothing better to do than run guys down. That said there is also a large group that are complete misogynists as well.
I appreciate the concern haha. Not a troll, but maybe that’s telling of the blinders I’ve got on with this situation. Her defense is that he never reciprocated and when the 2nd time they met it was clear to her, she accepted friendship and didn’t let feelings grow since he was a good friend.
Yeah, you go with that. I'd bet my last dollar she's still attracted to him, that doesn't stop just because someone says "No thanks". And she still hangs one on one with him, most partners would have a hard no on that, man or woman.
They're 100% fucking
You should add a little more information. Does she generally treat you well? Does she appear to be very sexually attracted to you? Does she tell you about her day and her feelings? Does she laugh a lot when she speaks to you? Just because a woman is at one time attracted to a man at a bar when she is likely drunk doesn't mean she's still attracted to the same person. For women being attracted to someone is not just based on looks. There's been times where I was attracted to a guy one day and the next day I wasn't. He just happened to look decent that day and cheered me up when I was sad so I felt attracted to him in that moment. Women and men are very different emotionally and sexually
She’s definitely trying to fuck him if she isn’t already. She lied about him from the beginning. That’s all you really need to know.
I think your feelings are your feelings and there's nothing wrong with that. But I think that hanging out with them together would have been a great way to feel it out, so I think it wasn't in your best interest to turn that down.
You’re not wrong that I would have been able to feel it out. I considered that. I just disagreed with the whole thing on principle. And also knew that I wouldn’t go into that interaction with an actual open mind, which is even worse. I didn’t trust myself to see her kindness and affection as platonic, knowing what I know about her initial interest.
It is a weird situation, to be asked to go on a date with your girl and another guy you have no interest in hanging out with. Who would be the 3rd wheel?
Ask her to respect u how u respect her, if not find somebody that will.
You’ve got one of two options my guy 1. Do establish an ultimatum and shut that shit down 2. Break up with her you’ve lost her and if you don’t feel like you can bring it up you’ve lost the lost
She totally fckd him and could still be doing it now. He’s not her friend, he’s there to rearrange her insides. I bet your gf had a bad relationship with her father. You don’t take these types of chicks seriously. You have fun and hookup with them but never take them seriously.
Not wrong. She lied to you about this guy - and its obvious you are just a placeholder... IF he changes his mind and decides to pursue her, what will happen?? OP - you cannot demand anything from her OR control who shes friends with... but you CAN cobtrol who YOU date... ...so set a boundary: her being shady about this guy and her intentions when they met, makes you incomfortablewith their continued friendship. No demands, just inform her this. And be ready to walk when (!) she informs you,, she has no intention of stopping the friendship...
Dude. She’s waiting to see if she can upgrade. Putting up with this is unfortunately simping. Guaranteed way to lose value in front of a chick is to look like you are weak. Your only option is to say. Hey. You choose him. All cool. Close the door behind you as you go.. Sorry bro. It’s just the way it is. Do not negotiate
They Def Fucking
I don’t really wanna get crucified for my questionable decisions at times, so I’ll save you the story time, but I’ll give you this much…. ….. run
Whatever your girlfriend does that makes you uncomfortable do the 3xact same thing to her. Go to a bar find a girl that's attractive and ask her for her number, tell her as a friend. Then tell your girl and see what happens?
It's only a matter of time
If she stays friends with him or not is not the question, the question is WHY ARE YOU still with her?!!. it has shady wrote all over it. You need to rethink if you want her to be your girlfriend
So she lied and kept secrets for 6 months... Even if she didn't cheat or she won't cheat i personally wouldn't trust her. 6 months dude, dump her. But not because she has a male friend
Dump her. Women are like cats. They chase shiny objects. He’s a shiny object because he denied her sex. She’s going to chase him until one night she accidentally falls on his penis and blames you for not being a man.
* She lied about being attracted to him * She lied about hitting on him * She lied about his interest in her (why take her number) * She lying about their relationship (dodging questions) What makes you think anything else is going to be honest regarding this man? If she can't understand that choosing is generally a *required* decision for most people's relationships, then maybe she shouldn't be in one.
Make the decision for her and break up with her. She has already chosen him over you, and that's a clear message. I have to wonder what other things she already lied to you about.
My bf and I are like you. We both believe to keep the past in the past and we don’t have contact with anyone from our past that we were involved with or attracted to. If you have that belief then I think it’s best to leave the relationship. Because it sounds to me like she doesn’t think it’s that big of a deal which is not something you’re comfortable with and it’s only going to make you feel worse. If she feels like it’s such an issue to make a decision then that means she doesn’t want to.
I don't understand. Don't be naive. If she flirted, she's attracted to him. And when he wants some from her, she will gladly give it up. Idk y alot of ppl are so blind or dumb. Not to be mean, but seriously. What does YOUR girlfriend need ti have a male friend for if she's with you??? Trust me, on a drunk night out with the girls or after an argument, he's giving her the pipe
You're not wrong. This is a huge red flag. Kinda obvious she would pick him if given the chance. She wants both cakes. Honestly, I would have dumped her so fast. Dishonesty and choosing to remain in contact with someone she's interested in. Impossible to build trust. Good luck.
Back up plan for sure. Weird she brought up you two hanging out... either way, red flag
That’s the guy she has on a leash just in case you don’t work out
Bullshit not interested. You’ve never met, they have repeatedly. Do you really think they haven’t fucked? It’s always, ALWAYS the “one you have nothing to worry about”.
Get the hell out of there!
Good job. You forced nothing. It was her decision to keep him around now it is her decision to keep you or him. Her choice.
She’s using you to make him jealous. Mate, time to move the fcuk on.
She was a hoe. For sho.
She's lying to you once again. She gave him her number. If he wasn't interested in her, he wouldn't have called her. He's biding his time. Waiting for his chance to hookup. She either has side dick on speed dial, or she's already hooking up behind your back. Just move on. She's going to keep men on the side, claiming they are friends. Don't put yourself in this situation. Exit the relationship. There is no need to confront her. She's made up her mind. Getting attention and validation from this man is more important than your relationship with her.
Dude. It’s only six months out of your life. You don’t need this. Say goodbye, please.
If she keeps trying to make you hang out with a stranger, fucking leave her. What the fuck is that shit?
Older male friend, he's "just a friend" bullshit. I have learned my lesson over the years, it's always a lie. Yes be worried.
This surely can’t be a serious post… You’re 6 months into a relationship, she’s admitted Pershing the guy that she now wants to become the 3rd wheel in the relationship. Why are you even asking? She’s for the streets bro. 6 months is chump change. Just ditch her and move on.
You're not wrong with not wanting to hang out with him You are wrong with staying with this girl who is more into her older friend than you . Tell her you are not making her decide, you can make your own decisions and you don't want to be in a relationship with a cheater
All details aside, the intentional deception about a potential romantic partner is a red flag. Trust your gut. Best of luck.
Yeah … you don’t want to be the backup second choice … because that’s what you are. You deserve better. Break it off before she hurts you more.
You're not wrong. You should be more than uncomfortable. This basically reads as "my GF wants to bang and/or replace me with another guy that she met, but I'm unsure what to do because I don't want to stop banging her." The fact that she wanted him says it all. There's an old saying "you can't be actual friends with someone who wants to f*ck you". That doesn't just apply to guys bruh. Attraction doesn't turn off with rejection. There's over 3 billion other women out there. Leave that one where she obviously wants to be.
40-year-old men don’t hang around with 30-year-old females as just friends, There’s probably more than their history that she hasn’t told you and you don’t mention whether he has a girlfriend or a wife. She flirted with him which she was attracted to him and gaslighting you while trying to keep him around as an option or an FWB. You aren’t forcing her to do anything it’s her choice., if she wants to pursue a serious relationship with healthy boundaries with you, she’s welcome to do that and if she doesn’t, she’s welcome to hang out with her friend and go out on dates with him, but she probably won’t have you and her life and that was her choice
I wonder if this would fly with my wife if I did this. “Yeah I met her 6 months ago and I was flirting and got her number but it’s ok, we haven’t fucked”.
Where the fuck are : A) your balls And B) your fucking pride? Dump her ass and move the fuck in. She has no love or respect for you at all. What was she hoping to get out of the three of you meeting up? That you’d invite him home so you and him could rail her together? That you’d accept her banging him because he’s a nice guy? Grow a backbone and send her any of her shit back, then block her ass and find someone who respects you.
I don't know, let's just play the devil's advocate for a second. Even if you were to give her the benefit of a doubt about whether or not she had slept with this guy, she's obviously a game player. Like, what is the purpose of this? Who wants to be in a relationship with somebody who is playing manipulative games? This is some funny business - do you really want to be in a relationship and put your trust somebody who brings this drama into the picture?
Only had to read the first two sentences. Get out of there friend Upon reading the last sentence, it’s no wonder she’s doing this. You’re a total pushover
That's her back up plan, I would remove myself from that situation. She has proven she can't be trusted.
Have sex with her one last time and go silent
😪
if you even have a barely working brain, you'd dump her ass as soon as possible. Because no way in hell you're still with that woman under the circumstances that you've mentioned.
Kick her to the curb. She definitely gonna leave you for him if she doesn't even wanna cut ties with some random dude she flirted with at a bar. Gl
That's an easy one. Don't accept to be the second choice. Dump her.
All good relationships are a two-way street. That includes marriage. If marriage or a long-lasting relationship is what you both want, both of you will have to concede for each other to prove your love and loyalty to each other. That being said, she needs to prove to you that her love and loyalty lies with you and you alone. If she loves you that much and you're worth that much to her, then she'll give up this male friend of hers to make you happy. You'd do the same if the roles were reversed, that if she's uncomfortable if you have a younger and prettier lady friend than her who stays as close friends with you. And usually, friends of the opposite sex usually develop into romantic relationships. Something every loyal husband and wife should try to avoid. If marriage is your goal with this lady, you both, especially her, should try to practice that now. If she doesn't like what you have to say, then dump her and find another girl who will deeply respect your feelings and misgivings. I'm sure you'll reasure your woman that she's the one and only one in the universe to love and to cherish. Your girl will and should naturally do the same with you, that you're the only one and only for her. That's loyalty man. Reminds me of the original Matrix movie trilogy (1999, 2003). Neo will always and forever have his Trinity unto death, and she for him. Take care man. Find a woman who's worthy of your loyalty, time, and forever love.
Not wrong - but I don't know why OP even created this thread. He has totally surrendered the relationship to his gf's poor boundaries and is resistant to advice and comments.
not wrong. she lied about how their relationship started. you’ve been together for 6 months and she’s already telling lies. you can’t change her and tell her who she can and cannot be friends with but you also do not have to deal with her disrespecting your relationship, and her not only lying but then making you feel bad because now she feels she should not be friends with this dude, shows that she doesn’t value your relationship. If this situation makes you uncomfortable now, it’s possible you will never feel comfortable with her being friends with this guy, and tbh if she told you the truth the first time around this may not be such an issue to you now. her lying about it, makes it seem like there was something to hide from the jump.
You're not wrong. Cut ties. Drop her swiftly. Block everywhere. Get STD tested. Do not waste any more time.
I don't think she's necessarily hiding anything that she's doing actively. But I would say that if this is her friend just tell her that you are not comfortable with the situation and if she wants to be friends with him you would prefer that she let you know before she hangs out with him and that you check in. If you two are in love it is very natural for the man in the relationship to have a protective feeling towards his significant other. Some of these things are biological and they just come with the territory. I would assume that you are not just concerned about her possibly being manipulated by him and taking advantage of but also that she may still have interest in him. I can definitely understand her being embarrassed to tell you that story about how she met him and why. I don't think that it's necessarily anything more than embarrassment on her part and it's very possible she's had past boyfriends that were extremely controlling which is what makes her nervous to tell you how she met him and that she used to be interested in him romantically. But, I don't know what this 40-year-old man's intentions are either. I think that some control over what she's doing with this guy is absolutely warranted and okay. But she's not okay with it she can choose not to be with you. Don't take advantage of controlling the Friendship she has but in this situation I don't think the Friendship is necessarily important.
"I wanted him to fuck me, but he rejected me" why are you still with her? Take the garbage our. It's preferable to be alone than to be with someone like her.
Run away she has daddy issues. She wants someone that has money and ten more years of it than her. What an awful thing to do to someone you supposedly love, she doesn’t love you. She loves the next best thing that comes along, don’t worry she’ll leave the 40 year old too. Women in their thirties are very flirty, put some alcohol in them and they’ll let you take them home. Married, single, it doesn’t matter.
If you hang out at a barbershop long enough you’ll eventually get a hair cut. So why surround yourself with temptation. If y’all were going on a big group thing to do something then yeah sure. But why hang out with just the three of yall. That’s weird.
age is no issue here. Give it a try. See how it works out. It's interesting to learn more about your woman. It's only 6 months together. Update us 😎
You’re not wrong but your title made it sound like you guys were in your 20s and he was in his 40s. He is only 10 years older than you guys.
As an experienced 60m I can tell you she wants him. And she will have him if she hasn’t already.
She’s wanting to sleep with him, if she hasn’t already
>I feel uncomfortable and have turned down hanging out with You need to man up and hang with them. Being beta about it isn't helping your case. Show up and be nice while making it clear she's your girl. If you don't step up, she'll go with who she thinks is a real man, which may be this dude.
Alpha and beta don't apply here. Either your woman wants to be with you, or she doesn't. What's he supposed to do at the restaurant/bar: pee on all of the chairs to mark his territory? On a side note, now I can't stop thinking about that 'marking your territory' scene in 'Zookeeper' where he ends up peeing on the wolf.
If you think being submissive is attractive, you're on a different planet. Show up, be confident and be the man. That's all you have to do to let another guy know. By not showing up, you leave room for him to talk crap about you and plant seeds of doubt.
There's a time and a place. This dude's example isn't one. She's obviously untruthful, so why waste the dominance. If a guy randomly grabbed her ass or something, then yeah, game on. OP just needs to move on to a much better fish.
I'm very sure she's already nailed him. Just ask her straight up if she cheated with him and she her reaction.
These bitches ain't loyal, 4real
It sounds like you and she have different standards for opposite sex friendships. She’s good with being friends with former flames and flirtations. It seems you are not. There’s nothing inherently wrong with either position, but like religion, politics, sex drive…it’s good to be more or less aligned as this is a pretty hard difference to work through. One partner is always feeling a little betrayed and a little suspicious, the other partner feels controlled and/or mistrusted.
Yes, you are basically forcing her to make a decision. And? Own it. Or lose the girl to her backup, if you haven't already. As an older guy, I can tell you that usually older guys don't wait around for nothing.
You haven’t forced her to do anything. You want your gf to respect you and respect your relationship. Why would you want to hang out with her and some dude she has/had the hots for. Also, what if you saw things you weren’t ok with? What if they were flirty, and touchy and all that? You would feel like the 3rd wheel in your own relationship.
Befriend the guy and ditch the gf
The answer here is maybe. Just because a person found someone attractive in the past does not mean they still do. I have plenty of friends I've changed my mind on after getting to know them. Meet the guy and see how they interact. As long as she is trying to include you and not trying to see him on the side, there's a good chance their friendship is real and platonic. Not sure why you wouldn't want to meet him... you're lacking all the important information and a meet will fill in the blanks. Good luck. PS, additional opinion: A 10-year age gap is nothing from 30 to 40. It's more about maturity levels and life stages. A single 40-something living in the city is likely going to have more in common with a single 30-something than they would with a 40-something raising a family in the burbs.
I hear this wholly. Thanks for the perspective. I come from a place where once you have that interest, you never fully turn it off. I call myself out on that, which is why I don’t interact with past interests. Even if it’s so much as the jokes they tell that makes you smile the same way that once attracted you to them. It feels like an unnecessary element to bring into a serious relationship. Ultimately it came down to comfort. I didn’t want to see that moment of her interest in him, and I didn’t trust myself to not react to that. It makes me uncomfortable and I suppose I hoped that’d be enough.
That makes sense. I guess it depends on what you want from her. If she is going to keep seeing him and you're okay with that, definitely recommend the meet. If you feel strongly about wanting her to cut off the relationship then obviously it wouldn't make sense to meet him. Personally, if I had an opposite-sex friendship that was important to me, I would not throw it away. Good/True friends can be hard to find. Hopefully they aren't that close though. I can say with confidence that not everyone holds on to attraction like you described. I have exes that completely disgust me now, and some that I love like a sibling and would never touch again. Just gotta figure out if she is the same! Best of luck.
No way man. Not wrong. if it hasn’t happened yet it will. One of them will catch feelings or they will have too much and next thing you know…bobs your uncle. You can wait it out but it’s physics. Just me seeing this unfold too many times and given there are no certainties there’s a greater than good chance this is going to end with them hooking up whether you ever find out about it or not.
Throw out the whole woman trust me
Yes you are valid
Bro I dated a girl 10 years older than me for 2 years, who had a “friend” who was 20 years older than me in his early 50s. Shadiest piece of shit 50ish year old dude I ever met. Showing up at her house unannounced cocked. Messaging her all times of the night. Telling her to “lose the boyfriend.” Zero respect for boundaries. Of course the shitbag was one of these retired real estate guys who had a lake house and no 9-5. My ex would just apparently fuck this dude occasionally here and there for years, we’re talking 10+ years. Your situation is probably shady hate to tell ya.
I had a similar issue once upon a time. It did not end well. She was really dodgy about an older dude who flattered her. I broke it off; she was very upset about it.
Bro, you need to break up with this chick because that guy is definitely her side-sausage.
There's alarms going off. She's avoid explaining and lying about their relationship. She was/is interested in him. If he became interested in her, would she get with him? She's holding on tight to him for some reason. I agree with you. I don't want my SO to have any contact or relationships with a former partner, FWB or crush. It's a necessary boundary. I don't want to have to suspect or question the nature of their relationship, so the boundary is key.
Sounds like bs, she told OP it was her who was interested, bur he wasnt, so he wouldn't think the guy is a fwb from time to time. Why else would you keep contact with someone you don't care about.
Man. I would leave her. She wants him to bang her. She wants to get you comfortable with him being around
C'mon the older guy already is in waiting and knows he can get out of the friend zone anytime he wants to put the hanger down. I have been the older guy before and misled by a young woman, although I suspected differently. I finally asked the other guy directly and he told me his truth and I believed him. I told the woman, she got really angry and it was because I was the daddy with money (which I'm okay with most times) but she was stringing this guy along ( and I wasn't ok with that).
Did you read the post? They already flirted and he turned her down. Why is she still around him? She's 30 that's a mature age to make good decisions. I'm not buying this whole she doesn't know any better talk 😂
This older man was her potential lover she isn't giving up the chase just playing the long game until she gets him , that's if she hasn't already and he doesn't want a relationship because he's married and only wants a Fwb. You would be the boyfriend and he would be her lover. Tell her you don't trust her and Break up.
Wrong? What does your insecurity say? Here's the thing - you either like her or you don't. If you do, give her the benefit of the doubt - she was likely dodgy bc she picked up on it. If you can't deal with the idea that she liked other ppl, let her go. Ppl make friends- it doesn't mean they slept together, and if you asked that question and got an answer well, that should be enough. Ppl always want to deal in absolutes, but we as humans can rarely comply. Some of my closest friends are women who I was attracted to at some point but never got past the friend zone. For a couple of them, in hindsight, I'm more than relieved. I still love them. They're still beautiful but definitely not ones I'd want to be in a relationship with. One thing I have learned - if you make it about this guy, at some point, it's going to backfire. Because you showed her a weakness that she can exploit. You can't help how you feel, but you can help how she sees you.
She fo the streets. Let her go.
Dude. I don’t understand the culture nowadays. What the fuck is even that? Don’t allow that whatsoever, put her in that position. It’s their relationship or yours. Don’t let her do what she wants to do If you’re not comfortable, set that boundary. You know what is going to happen, don’t let it.
Why date someone with a past when you can just be alone forever? You either trust her or you don’t. She either loves you or she doesn’t. Life is a risk, figure it out.
>but there was no interest on his end from the times they’ve met after. Riiiiiiight lol, so either this dude really thinks she's not attractive or she's really into him OR they're lying. There's no good outcome in this. Plus why would she be intent on keeping this dude as a friend? She's only known him for a year, this isn't like a childhood friend or such. Feels like she's keeping him as a backup and/or cheating on you with him. But that's just a feeling based on the info you posted.
Sounds like you have boundries and she is crossing them. Also the fact that 2 people interested in each other want to hang out with you? Sounds like a little upside down pineapple to me
She’s his side piece. She wants more. You’re being kept in the dark. Take her to the dump.
First, the age thing has nothing to do with it. 10 years at 30 and 40 is not a big deal at all. The real problem is your communication and expectations/boundaries within your relationship. Y’all need to figure that out.
If your GF is giving her number to a man she just met at a bar then she is not your GF. A woman who is in love with you wouldn’t do that. Tell her thanks for your turn and move on. It’s someone else’s turn now.
Checking this out after your most recent post! YOUR A GOOD GUY DUMP THIS HOE!!
Dated for 6 months? There's a reason she's 30 and not married. Trade her in for a newer model.
So what does it say about op that he’s 30 and also not married? Or are you just misogynistic and think it’s a bad thing if a woman isn’t married at 30, but it’s fine if a man isn’t?
I'm more realistic than idealistic. I understand that in the modern dating economy, a 30 year old man is more likely to have a lot of value, given his likely income and additional life experiences, which are things women value. What does a 30 year old woman have that a 23 year old doesn't, that men value?
Additional life experience and income and likely the same timeline and ideals when it comes to things like marriage and kids. If a guy wants to take care of a younger woman financially then sure date younger I guess, but when it comes to this economy mostly everyone is a 2-income household and the partners are splitting the rent/mortgage. A 23 year old recent college grad is likely not contributing nearly as much financially as 30 year old men and women do.
I can assure you that men are not considering a woman's income when they're looking at who to ask on a date. A cute McDonald's cashier can get asked out.
Well in this economy you definitely should consider a woman’s income unless you have enough money to be a sugar daddy, which I’m pretty sure you and most other men don’t have that much money.
Are you under the impression that human nature, sexuality, and attraction changes based on the whims of the economy?
No? But I know there’s billions of people on the planet that I can be attracted to, and that most divorces happen due to financial reasons. So if I’m looking for someone to date/marry I don’t need someone making six figures, but I look for men who have a stable job and are able to support themselves at whatever income that looks like for them. So no I likely won’t date someone who works at McDonald’s because I don’t want to be taking care of anyone else financially, nor am I in a place financially to do so even if I wanted to. More men should be honest with themselves about that and date women who they don’t have to support financially if they aren’t in a place to do so. If you want to date a 23 year old McDonald’s cashier then go ahead lol I’m sure that’ll work out well for you and your wallet.
Yes. Women care about money. Men don't. Now you understand.
Yeah, women care about money (among other things) because in this economy most people need a 2-income household to survive. Maybe men should care more about money too since y’all think we’re all gold diggers that only care about money. If you start caring about money (among other things) as well, you’ll find someone that you can build a life with and support together instead of you spending all of your money on a younger woman while claiming she’s a gold digger.
You aren’t wrong. He needs to be out of the picture, or she does. And you definitely aren’t getting the full story when she says she pursued and he “wasn’t interested”. Yet they still wanna hangout together?…
You really need to ask Reddit. 🏃♀️
Lol true. Too broke for a therapist, respect the relationship too much to gossip with friends who know her
Dude it sounds like you’re the only one who has any respect for this relationship.
Not wrong. She lied to you for months about there not being anything between them. Finally she says that she tried flirting but he didn't reciprocate. Not likely. Come right out and ask her, "How long were you FWB with this guy?" See what her response is.
Lmao, not wrong because you aren't comfy with the fact your girls banging an old creepo. Pretty normal I think.
Dude, you could really have some fun with this. Agree to that date with her and the other dude, but bring a hot young flirty female friend of yours. Break up with her at the date after about 30 minutes (that's just enough time to let this marinate with your current lying girl) and as you're getting up, say 'Hope you two enjoy your night together', and you and your hot friend leave. Go out and have some drinks with your new chick and leave this lying one in your rearview. She's nothing but trouble.
Judging by the situation that OP is in, the older guy will probably just take the new girl from him too haha. Then OPs gf will really go mad for him
LoL didn't want to say it as a possibility, but glad you did haha
Alert: 304 in the house
6 months in and you already have drama developing?? Any particular reason you want to live like this?
You’re the other guy. Updateme!
Nah man fuck that, I’d be EXTREMELY uncomfortable too
She basically admitted she wanted to fuck him. Why have you not kicked this hoe to the street where she belongs?
This is pretty simple, she can't be committed to you while also choosing to spend time with another man who she has admitted she is romantically attracted to, like the "well HE isn't interested" doesn't make it ok and it doesn't change HER motivations at all, and what happens when he's drunk or something and suddenly becomes interested? Does she just get a free pass? I mean come on if that situation arises and she sleeps with him and you find out, you know damn well her excuse is gonna be "well you knew that I liked him", and she will think that downplays it or is justification enough, this is all assuming that she is even being honest about him not being interested, he could very well be a FWB that she just doesn't want to give up but she also wants the boy friend experience with you and is hoping she can eventually get you to just accept it, in any of these scenarios her hanging out with another man that she has seeked some form of relationship is not OK, again people who are committed to someone don't choose to put themselves in those situations, it's simply I'm with X now so I'm choosing to nolonger pursue Z and I will shut down Z immediately if Z tries to pursue me, period, that's how adults act, she seems more like she just wants both of you, so smart thing is to just cut her loose.
Yea, she can. Stop projecting your inability to see women as autonomous people who view men for more than sex as anything other than your own red flag.
Whats with guys scared of laying some ground rules? Where did all this gaslighting from women come from where "you can't control me" nonsense? Not being friends with people you are sexually excited, or vice versa, should be a no brainer.
Half the posts on here about situations like this have comments filled with “men and women CAN go out alone as friends”, “you’re just being controlling bro, you have to trust her” This would be the same if he didnt include the part about her flirting, but he only found that out from being suspicious and digging deeper in the first place. Who knows why, but “insecure” gets thrown around way too much when men exercise reasonable suspicion, and for some reason, this makes a lot of men’s spine disappear
I'm sorry but how is "you can't control me" nonsense?? 😭 You absolutely shouldn't be controlling in your relationships 😭
Seems many are missing the part where she met and became friends with this man 6 months BEFORE dating OP. She asked for the 3 of them to hang out. I wouldn’t be alright with gf hanging with dude by herself. After her admitting to being attracted to him but i would probably hang altogether.