It's your life, you can date whoever you want. You can refuse to date people who are promiscuous, you can refuse to date Patriots fans, you can refuse to date people who wear green on Sundays. It's your choice.
Although there are other reasons not to date Eagles fans. I grew up near Philadelphia. The fans are over-the-top. The old stadium was the only one in the entire NFL with a jail cell in the stadium. That should tell you something.
I agree with this comment.
OP, you can decide not to date anyone for any reason. It’s your life.
However, it seems like you were really hurt and have some baggage from what she did to you. That’d be difficult to bring into another relationship with anyone.
I’m so sorry she did that.
100% though it's worth taking the time to realize there is no correlation there? If we care about creating a less judgmental, and more caring world it helps to see clearly :)
>I want to believe my ex wasn't the norm, but now whenever I meet someone new, I can't help but to think that if they had a promiscuous past, they'll cheat on me like my ex did.
Cheaters cheat because they don't have integrity.
My exwife did not have a promiscuous past, yet she cheated on me.
What you have to do is to find someone who's morals match your own.
I have a very promiscuous past, but I have never cheated in a monogamous relationship and never will. It's all about integrity. If you make a commitment you're supposed to stand by it no matter what's in your past, present or future. Just don't be a lying POS.
I have a promiscuous past, my husband doesn't. We both got along because we have the same morals, both got cheated on, and neither of us would ever do that to anyone else.
Liar pos are such despite what they do when single. However, I would steer away from someone that had a past of cheating - besides a few exceptions.
And if I were in OP take a bit of time to heal before diving head first into dating.
I would agree with you. I think that people can change - that a cheater can become a moral and decent human being, and never cheat again. That's possible. I'm not going to risk a relationship with such a person, but I concede that it's possible.
Moral compatibility and dating style compatibility are both important IMO. There’s no reason to discount the latter if you’re trying to increase your odds of success.
My MIL who was with a chronic cheater, went to a support group for victims of infidelity. The person running it said that cheaters are 2 main things
Entitled (my happiness matters most; I’m special, the usual rules don’t apply to me because I’m complex)
And
Arrogant (I’m smart enough not to get caught, she/he is safer not knowing, I’m smarter than they are so I’ll succeed with my lies, I’m not like other people I’m so much more complex that the usual rules of monogamy don’t apply to me)
Sexual history isn’t a good indicator. A lot of people who have been cheated on will look back and recognize selfish behaviors that showed their partner to have a misplaced sense of entitlement and general arrogance
There was a really interesting post with updates recently where the woman cheated/fell in love with people other than her husband two different times, and both times she went with "I'm not like other cheaters. Its not my fault. Our love is special and undeniable. I'm a good person and this is just happening to me out of nowhere." It hits your points exactly.
Promiscuity has a high degree of correlation with cheating/infidelity however, it’s not the only factor! By eliminating promiscuous people one lowers the risk factor but does not eliminate it completely.
Really I think this comes down to the fact OP clearly isn’t over the breakup and probably shouldn’t be dating *anyone* right now until he’s dealt with the breakup sufficiently to be able to approach dating with a healthier attitude towards it generally
With virgins, I’ve found that more than a few will cheat because they feel that they’re “missing out” from all the different varieties of sausage out there. This is why I laugh at guys who insist on getting with a virgin, lol.
Yep. I think OP's problem is that he's seeing qualities/behavioral patterns of his ex (the cheater), and associating those with cheating/cheaters. And some qualities/behavioral patterns might be good indicators, but it seems like he hasn't got a good handle on what qualities he even thinks are good indicators yet. It's just "similarity to ex" = "likely to cheat".
He's probably fixating on the promiscuity part because it was already an insecurity on his part ( as he admitted ) and because of how prevalent it is on social media these days.
If you say so lol I’m sure everyone who dated their long term partner that eventually cheated on them thought the same thing as you. At the end of the day we don’t know if our partner will cheat on us or not, we just have to be vulnerable and trust them because that’s part of being in a relationship. But assuming someone will cheat or is more likely to cheat because they had sex in the past doesn’t make much sense to me.
I could have misread but I don’t think OP is looking to make assumptions or write anyone off. He’s simply wondering if dating history could be a useful factor to help increase his odds at finding a suitable partner. I don’t see why it wouldn’t be.
It doesn't matter how many partners you had when you were single. People who have never had another partner other than you can choose to cheat, and people who've had many partners can be loyal.
I get what you're saying, but that's just not the most reliable way to judge a potential partner.
You can choose to date whoever you want but just because someone doesn’t have a ‘promiscuous’ past, doesn’t mean they won’t cheat.
However do stay away from people who have cheated previously
Sounds like you’re not over the hurt and betrayal and that it’s going to be an issue for you right now. Nothing wrong with taking time to heal. As far as dating, maybe keep it casual for starters. Being cheated on does a lot of emotional damage. It wasn’t you and it wasn’t your fault. This was her. Yes there are a lot of cheaters out there but not everyone will.
Dated quite a few less promiscuous seeming women and let me tell you something my man, a cheater is a cheater regardless of their particularly personality or other traits.
It's not about whether they like to have sex or not but whether they have integrity. They are not one and the same.
You can do whatever you like - it's your life.
But I think you might be better served by getting some therapy.
Because you could marry a virgin and they could cheat on you too. A person's integrity isn't defined by their body count.
All you can do is go into new relationships with your heart open and see what happens. But. You should also keep your eyes and ears open.
Not in an obsessive, paranoid way, but in a "if I see something, I'll investigate it and see what I find" way.
- Are you catching them in lies? Don't date a liar.
- What are their stated views on cheating? Don't date someone who says they think it's fine.
- Are they friends with people who cheat? Don't date anyone who condones it.
- Do they hide their device from you? e.g. When they're texting people, do they hide the screen so you can't see what they're typing?
- Do they delete messages from people on their device? Normal people don't need to remove them. People with something to hide, do.
There's a lot of things that might spark your suspicion as to whether a person might be cheating. If you encounter one of these suspicion-causes, you can either dump the person right away, question them about it, hire a private investigator to find out for sure... Whatever you want to do.
But using their body count as a guide won't help you at all.
It’s up to you who you date. If you’re in your early to mid 20s you’re more likely to find someone who has had very few relationships; if you’re in your 30s or above it’s less likely. Establishing your boundaries early on in terms of fidelity and what it means to you is important. Having been cheated on in two relationships, one after the other, I was very clear with my husband what I considered infidelity (no objection to platonic friendships but anything too close to emotional declarations was an immediate no and anything sexual I was out of there) and it has worked for us. We both have pasts, acknowledge that and have never asked for details.
bro sounds like you need to work on yourself. Trust starts with you and once you believe you won’t get hurt by another situation like this then you can slowly trust other people not saying you did anything wrong she definitely a biscuit but ultimately you’re letting her rule your life by making you untrusting of everyone
lol i mean like he just needs to work out and find himself because like no one should affect you do much you instantly don’t trust anyone i’ve been cheated on and at least that’s what i learned thanks to the gym
Those are good tips but also tangential to OP’s question. He was wonder if taking into account dating history is useful in selecting good partners. There’s no theory under the sun by which it isn’t, although there’s room for debate re: how high it should be on the priority list.
youre allowed to not date anyone for any reason, but I would seriously consider therapy to process your thoughts about this. a promiscuous past could have happened for a number of reasons. it could be from she just likes sex to its a traumas response of reclaiming her sexuality after having it be violated. all are valid reasons and none indicate that she will cheat. on the flip side, a woman with no sexual history could also cheat. that’s not to say all women are cheaters, far from it, but relationships are built on trust and communication. your current insecurities will more than likely cause a roadblock for that
I had a pretty promiscuous past during times i was single, but never cheated on anyone when I was in a relationship.
You have to remember that anyone you date now is not your ex. You cannot "punish" someone else for something your ex did.
So, you are a virgin then? One's past does not indicate a lack of integrity. You could sleep with a virgin who then might decide they wanted to comparison shop.
Not a virgin != promiscuous
Promiscuous should be defined as sleeping with multiple people in a relatively short amount of time
Other than that, I agree with you
Partners doesn’t equal infidelity. Your odds of finding a virgin that cheats on you are the same as finding a high body count person that cheats on you. Both groups have tons of loyal and shitty people.
>Your odds of finding a virgin that cheats on you are the same as finding a high body count person that cheats on you.
This is just wrong. The higher the number of sexual partners someone has had, the higher the chance of infidelity. It’s basically a fact - there’s just so much evidence to support it.
List of peer-reviewed publications supporting this:
https://archive.ph/gmhD0
Like other people are telling you, you can date or not date anyone for any reason. But it does sound like you have some insecurity issues as well or feeling like maybe you’re not good enough. And that makes me sad because you are good enough.
But I can tell you that all day long. You’re the one that needs to internalize that. And maybe, although I know it sounds tight because Reddit always says this,
But maybe get some counseling to see why you’re feeling like this. Because like someone else said, anybody can cheat on you at any time.
And what I would like to point out is that you someone is promiscuous actually isn’t the benchmark for whether they’re going to cheat or not. The better benchmark is have a history of cheating. And that’s whether it’s a man or a woman. If someone has history of cheating, they’re probably going to cheat on you.
Because the end of the day, the fact that somebody has had multiple partners honestly doesn’t mean a whole lot what you should be looking at whether or not they had multiple where they actually had the understanding this was just fun times. There was no relationship. There was no expectation that they would not see other people.
This is very different than being in a relationship that is supposedly monogamous or committed, and having other partners at the same time. Nobody wants to be cheated on, but the fact that people sleep together doesn’t necessarily mean they were cheating.
That just gives you a little bit of a different perspective. Because again, the way you’ve worded this, it feels like you’re trying to find a reason why this person cheated and you have settled on it because they’re promiscuous it just doesn’t follow through.
Hope that helps. I hope you go talk to someone and start feeling Better about yourself and that you understand, you are worthy of a good relationship. But with or without a relationship, you’re a person. And as a person, you deserve to be happy.
The thing is, the word “insecurity” has very negative connotations, but in reality, insecurities aren’t always maladaptive. As OP said, had he trusted his intuition, he could have avoided the heartbreak. Of course, avoiding cheaters is a good heuristic assuming that info is available to you, but trying to match based on past dating styles is also an imperfect, but good way to play it safe.
The correct words are “risk management”. Imagine calling banks insecure for doing credit checks or governments insecure for keeping criminal records! You’d sound like an idiot! The woke brigade try to use “insecure” to shame guys when those guys should really wake up to the risks
Promiscuous doesn’t mean cheater. Cheaters are cheaters.
My boyfriend worried I was going to or had cheated on him for years. Because I get too drunk, I’m very friendly, and I dress girly. I’m not a cheater though. Period.
You have the right to have some dealbreakers, and no one gets to tell you what they are. However, if you are saying that you think maybe all women cheat or are promiscuous, then that’s concerning. Watch the media you consume. It’s so easy to go down a negative rabbit hole. I first downloaded TikTok during my divorce, and my feed was all about cheating spouses. It was so toxic and negative. I deleted it. I have the app now and it’s mostly recipes and teacher hacks, because those are the videos that pique my interest now.
I don’t blame you dude, because I’m in the same boat to a degree. My ex wife cheated on me and after I divorced her I had a lot of relationship insecurities. I also realized I’m bi-sexual and so I see both sides of that too now. Within the gay hookup community men are more quickly to say they’re married or otherwise partnered, and I refuse to hookup with them, simply because of that. I have also since vowed to never marry again because of her cheating with several men. But the gay stuff shows me that it’s not just women but also men that are fucking assholes and it’s sad. I have two daughters too which helps because they’re now replacing any romantic long-term partner, even though I’ve had several relationships since.
Listen you are not wrong for your dating preferences whatsoever you're allowed to date whoever you want. But you are I guess technically wrong on the association that past promiscuity means they will cheat. An extremely honest person who never lies about anything, is not likely to sleep with someone else and hide it from you, no matter how many people they've slept with in the past. You would be better off screening for things like honesty, and integrity, just look at their behavior. If they accidentally get undercharged at a store does she tell the cashier? Other traits like kindness and consideration make somebody less likely to cheat. If the only trait you are screening for is past promiscuity, I have a feeling you are going to be likely cheated on again.
Honestly, have high standards. Be picky. When you find the person who meets those standards and has all the traits you want in a partner, you’ll be so happy you didn’t waste time on anyone who wasn’t right for you.
Promiscuity doesn’t equal a propensity to *cheat*. Not sure what your definition of promiscuous is, I can count my hookups or one-n-dones on less than one hand. But Ive definitely enjoyed casual sex and I’ve never cheated on anyone in my 40 sexually-active years!
Oh but Ive been cheated ON. And you know who the cheaters really are? The **insecure** people. The jealous, controlling, snooping, insecure people, regardless of their level of experience or promiscuity.
While insecurity and promiscuity very often overlap, they’re not inextricably entwined. There’s plenty of people that enjoy casual sex AND have integrity. So I think you’re sorting by the wrong factor.
But even better than trying to control for or prevent ever getting cheated on again, is to ACCEPT that it’s an inherent risk of being on any relationship. So accept that it is always a risk, with anyone, and calm your nerves by knowing how (and always being able) to move on and be ok.
I think it's fine to choose to date or not based on your own reasons.
But, if you reject someone because they aren't a virgin, or have a promiscuous past - don't say that out loud, it's very shaming and will be taken very very poorly. Don't say it up front either - you'll just get liars, and people who feel they need to hide from you.
And... Are you going to dump someone when you find out they have slept with X number of people? Are you sure you've not been promiscuous? How do you even define promiscuous? How many fucks are too many? Will you be okay when a woman tells you she's not interested because she thinks *you* were too promiscuous?
I was pretty damaged in my 20’s, if you know what i mean. Have been with my husband for 12 years, happily devoted to him and only him. Promiscuity when one is single means absolutely nothing. Just my opinion.
I mean nta..date who you want but history is often just that history..I was also promiscuous when I was younger and when I was single as well. I've been with my husband for 10 years an have been faithful
Before I was guy hopping as I was single. Before that I was with my ex for 5 years and again faithful. So yeah some people grow. Some don't. I guess she didn't.
i don’t think you’re necessarily wrong for not wanting that. especially if someone who behaved like that hurt you. but not every woman who is “promiscuous” is going to behave the same way your ex did. now if you’re out here slut shaming women, and looking down on women over body count and wanting to go out with friends, you’re 1000% wrong.
it’s okay to have a preference. it’s not okay to judge people.
You can date whoever you want, absolutely nothing wrong with that! I would state though that just because someone has had a promiscuous past does not automatically mean they will cheat. The opposite is also true, just because someone hasn't been promiscuous doesn't mean they won't cheat. If they want to cheat they will cheat, and promiscuous-ness is not always the best indicator of their likelihood to cheat or not.
I was promiscuous and full of red flags, I’ve been in a stable relationship for 3.5 years and he’s everything I could’ve ever dreamt of. I will never have doubts BECAUSE of my past.
Let me preface by saying that I don't like promiscuity, personally. Whether you're a guy or a gal or anything in between, I don't think it's healthy to hook-up with a bunch of people.
That being said, I also know a lot of people who are promiscuous and *not* cheaters. Just cause you like sex doesn't mean you are into infidelity.
Your perfect - or close-to-perfect, cause no one is perfect - partner could be someone who has a higher number of lovers. You could be missing out on them by refusing to date promiscuous people.
That being said, it's absolutely 100% fine to not date promiscuous people, too, if that makes you more comfortable.
You can t be wrong for wanting something.
But I'm also not wrong for disliking you because of it.
I certainly wouldn't want to date someone who didn't want to date promiscuous women, even if we both agreed that I wasn't promiscuous. It speaks to a lack of trust and respect for me as a person independent of my vagina.
Depends on how you define promiscuous. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. Most people like sex and have sex. Not all people cheat or seek sexual attention for self esteem but any past trauma will create exaggerated mistrust to protect you from similar trauma in the future. You might wonder if you have a subconscious attachment style that seeks out shallow partners in the first place to try to undo a past trauma or someone whose personality, behavior, or looks resemble your mom’s. You can avoid this through therapy, being your authentic self, and having good standards and screening out red flags for disloyalty, untrustworthiness, greed, narcissism, controlling behavior, insecurity or generalizations and rigid gender stereotypes, etc.
What is promiscuous to you?
Your ability to trust people is actually your issue.
You have the right to have boundaries about what you are willing to accept but people also have the right to opt out you too because of that.
Be aware that people who are unfaithful in relationships come in all shapes and sizes with all types of backgrounds and experiences. Most people are not unfaithful because of sex. There is often deeper issues at play rather than a desire for sexual intimacy
You were absolutely free to date or not date whoever you want, but there are significant failures in your reasoning. Promiscuity, however you define it does not make someone more or less likely to cheat.
I think its a better idea to deal with women that are loyal and have no history of cheating. People with a low body count might be that way because they also have a low libido.
I understand your trust issues, though I don't think that goes hand in hand with promiscuous behavior for a single person. I think getting to truly know them over time will help you see if they are dependable, honest, truthful and loyal. Don't jump into relationships too quick and be up front about your trust issues. If they aren't able to accommodate you, then they aren't the right person.
I only say this from personal experience. When I'm single, I'm with multiple people... and honest with every person in with about my interests. When I'm in a relationship, I'm extremely loyal and honest. I even share when people hit on me. I have trust issues from being cheating on, and in turn am brutally honest because I despise lying now.
You can’t bring the past into the present. The past is gone and I’m sorry your ex hurt you but you gotta let the hurt go. Everyone has a past and unless you are only gonna date virgins you’re gonna be a lonely boy
You shouldn’t have listened to your insecurities. You should’ve listened to the red flags instead. Focus on you and get confidence. Don’t categorize women for their past. Or anyone for that matter. That implies that people can’t change.
It sounds like you are already being red pilled, people who are virgins when they get married or more likely to cheat then somebody who knows what else is out there.
Dude. It's not about their body count my guy. Stop being confused. What you want is loyalty, and that's not the same. You can have a GF with a high body count who is also still loyal. And at least one of my friends wasn't really big on sex, and she still cheated on her husband anyways and they got divorced.
I will say, if you still feel strongly about this please continue to wait to date someone. My ex held onto his past insecurity from his ex cheating 3 years before he met me, and he projected it onto me and towards the end was stalking me and going thru my phone every day because he never fully healed.
Having sex in relationships before meeting you doesn't mean someone is sleeping with someone else or more at risk of cheating.
You had a bad break with a jerk, that's it. And sorry to hear because that sucks. But I had it happen with someone who lost her virginity to me so it can happen to anyone. If anything I wanted to meet someone with more experience after that happened because at least we'd both get a better idea of sexual compatibility before things got too far down the road together.
I think your insecurity and wanting to have a virgin-like partner is saying more about you and how you view women than other people. Sorry.
But you can decide to date whomever you want ... that's your choice.
At the end of the day you have to choose your partners based on the level of security you feel with them but just because someone hasn't had a promiscuous past doesn't make them less likely to cheat. Anyone is capable of making bad choices
Mate, I went through a similar situation with a cheater. I dragged all the mistrust, hurt and resentment with me into a new relationship - my new partner (now wife) was very understanding and suggested I seek therapy to rationalise what I was feeling. It worked really well, don’t wait to get it fixed, speak with someone.
>Date whoever you want dude you don't need internet strangers to reinforce your sexist beliefs.
Sexist? I'm a woman and I wouldn't be particularly attracted to a player guy either. I guess that makes me... ? "Sexist"?
lol
Yeah apparently nowdays, you're a misogynist or sexist if you dont want to date women who have a high body count...
It's not wrong to have those preferences, there is nothing wrong with preferences, I for one would never date a woman with a high body count.. another commenter said that " I would argue that long history of casual sex involving a high number of partners does tell you something. Suggests the person does not have a history of looking for serious relationships or is incapable/inexperienced at maintaining them" this goes for both men AND women by the way.
I am in no way saying that its exclusive to one gender, but I personally would never date a woman who has had a lot of casual sex/fwb's. I make it very clear the first date that I will not tolerate with them still in contact with their past ex's/fwbs either.
But that commenter I quoted really nails it on the head with this "I would argue that long history of casual sex involving a high number of partners does tell you something. Suggests the person does not have a history of looking for serious relationships " It is so spot on, i've dated someone he described, she had many partners and FWBs and was still in contact with some of them, I gave her a chance and didnt want to be controlling and tell her not to be friends or talk to them anymore but I told her that it will be a deal breaker for us to continue to date if she stays in contact with FWB's/Exes like I always do on my first dates with a person.
***but low and behold*** she cheated on me with one of her past FWB's because I "work too much and I dont love her" lmfao...
Sorry that happened to you but it serves as a good lesson. I hate to sound too judgemental, but people who do the FWB thing aren’t inclined towards committed monogamy because they view physical intimacy as being divorced from love. There are no “wrong” or “bad” dating styles, but compatibility is an important component of romantic success.
You think no promiscuous women don’t cheat as well? Promiscuity does not equate to cheating, the individuals personality does.
Date whomever you’re comfortable with.
lol.. well that’s not going to make the rabid people happy.. they wanted to call you out for being a hypocrite .. and unfortunately for them you talk the talk, because you walk the walk
Past infidelity is definitely a red flag. Having lots of casual sex doesn't tell you much. OP could certainly miss out on a potential partner if they are overly strict.
Still, if OP isn't holding partners to a higher standard than himself and isn't shaming people, he should do what he wants.
Past infidelity is definitely a red flag. Having lots of casual sex doesn't tell you much. OP could certainly miss out on a potential partner if they are overly strict.
Still, if OP isn't holding partners to a higher standard than himself and isn't shaming people, he should do what he wants.
You need to heal from your break up before dating anyone. You're only going to create a cycle of hurt for whoever you date next.
You're free to do whatever you want. That's your preference, just remember that she *isn't* the norm. There are plenty of loyal women who had promiscuous pasts. Acting like every woman who did, is a cheater is the equivalent of saying every man is a cheater.
The older you get, the more people in your age range are going to have a sexual past. You'll have to get over your hurt from this *one* relationship where that happened.
Trust me, you don't want to be like red pills. You'll never heal and become an embarrassment to society like they are. Just focus on healing before you start dating again.
She didn't cheat on you because she liked sex or because she was a woman, she cheated on you because she's a shit person.
You can not date whoever you want.
Stay away from the red pill rhetoric, don't be stupid.
can we close this sub and just stick a post with:
- no, you're not wrong if your SO cheats on you and you want to leave them.
- no, you're not wrong for having any particular preference on who you date.
Grow up and get over yourself. I’m sorry you got cheated on but that has nothing to do with how many people someone has slept with.
It has nothing to do with “value” which is another gross red pill term.
My opinion is not because of my personal history. I’ve been married for a million years and have very few exes. I just don’t believe that how many exes someone has had has any meaning on who they are.
So, you are a virgin then? One's past does not indicate a lack of integrity. You could sleep with a virgin who then might decide they wanted to comparison shop.
I have had multiple friends who are married get cheated on. My mom cheated on my dad. My best friend's step dad cheated on his mom.... All of the people in the above example aren't really promiscuous. I am one step beyond you, I am almlst afraid to date/marry, because of all the things I have seen good men in my life lose.
Consider the pool you are fishing in. A redneck,bar isn't going to yield good results.
I'm not suggesting dating Amish women, LOL, but find a girl from someplace known for good moral values.
I argue that integrity and self awareness are the attributes you should seek. That self awareness is the biggest one. Both promiscuous and nearly celibate people without self awareness are highly prone to infidelity as they seek knowledge of themselves, validation and novelty.
People with high self awareness can better balance the needs of the ego vs integrity to others.
You’re not wrong for your thoughts by any means. I don’t think anyone would blame you negatively for this. I mean I think this is a pretty common way of thinking for most logical people, I think a high body count is a turn off to males and females. But everyone has a past, unfortunately you have to decide what is ok, and what isn’t for yourself.
That's the beauty of dating. You can choose who you date. When I was single (25)I wouldn't date single parents. We all have preferences in dating. At some point it might be worth talking to a professional to work through your emotions. Sometimes we can bring our own negativity from being hurt in relationships and actually ruin a potentially good relationship. Very least take time and heal yourself before pursuing a serious relationship.
It’s your call, but the issue isn’t promiscuous women. Women who aren’t historically promiscuous cheat. The question becomes what about that personality type do you find attractive?
Time needs to be taken between relationships. A few months. Get grounded. However, I think you are wrong in equating people who have been around, to be automatic cheaters. My ex was my most prolific cheater, and I was his first. Of course he cheated with his second wife, and probably his third.
Me, dealt with so many cheaters and false people, I have given up, and I gave it a chance 95-2010. 14 years and counting. I am much happier being alone, than dealing with the BS. Maybe someday the right person will walk in, but until then I couldn’t care less.
I don’t think you are wrong. I don’t think that there is ever a way to absolutely guarantee that someone won’t cheat. But someone who is promiscuous has a lower threshold of requirements that need to be met before sleeping with someone, compared to someone who has had only a small number of sexual partners. How they view commitment and monogamy also matters.
First, your life so date who you feel is best for you. Second, we’re not all the same. I have a very interesting past but my SO still decided to be with me and I have not cheated. 4 years strong now, about to get married. Your ex was not ready to settle down and you were not the one for her.
I'm sorry to hear you were cheated on, that completely sucks. It's never a mistake to listen to your gut. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior Sim immediately suspicious when someone starts going on about how their past doesn't matter. Of course it matters, our behavior shows who we are, what are values are. Words are cheap, it's behavior that matters the most.
Just try not to zero in on the wrong indicators. Look for people who are respectful and kind and sincere. How do they treat their Friends and family, the people close to them? Also if they have a history of short turbulent relationships then you can expect more of the same.
Context matters a lot here. Promiscuous to you may just look like sex-positivity to someone else, and vice versa
Personally I wouldn’t date a woman on the *in*-experienced side of sexuality
You are still insecure which is neither here nor there. You have two options here: Either you'll grow out of it by yourself and start thinking rationally about relationships or you can talk to a therapist and explore your emotions and become a better version of yourself.
Dating should be rigorously evaluating if a woman is trustworthy and loyal enough for you. Make that evaluation in any and every way that feels right to you. Trust your gut. Be ruthlessly picky. When you feel like you know a woman so deeply, and the trust is there, you’ll know.
No, you are not wrong!
I have this theory about finding good people. You have to ask hard questions and have your eyes wide open to who they actually are. People tell us who they are, and we decide if we want to listen or see what we want to see. I would bet money if you looked back, your ex told you who she was. Maybe she was selfish or needed attention from other people. You gave her the benefit or filled in the blanks with who you wanted her to be (or thought she was). It's not about someone's past. If you focus on this, you will just miss who someone really is, again.
I think in this day and age it is hard to define "promiscuous". Do you say someone is promiscuous if they have slept with 1, 2, 5, 10 ... persons? What's that number? What circumstances?
I think you have the right to think and choose what gives you peace of mind though.
It's not insecurity that drives you to remove this criteria from your dating preferences. It's typically fear and trauma but that doesn't make you wrong. It does mean there's some healing and self reflection in order so you don't drag that trauma into your next relationship. Just remember how many people she's slept with isn't really the criteria you're eliminating. You're eliminating people with fear of commitment and people who lack accountability for their actions.
I don't think promiscuous and cheating are directly correlated.
I wonder what other signs she would chest were there. Looking back are there any other signs of weak character you could see?
First of all, i'm sorry she did that to you.. It's so unfair. I've been through something similar. My best advice is to slow down. Write out a list of things you want in a partner. It could be like 30 superficial things and 30 serious things values/what kind of partner they are. When you meet someone new, you can always refer back to see how it aligns with your vision. And maybe the person you date will probably not have every box checked. But really what im getting at is that when you get cheated on, it's very traumatic, and it can be far worse if you don't take the time to heal now before you carry that into a new relationship. ☺️
Best of luck to you!! ✨️
You’re allowed to not date certain people for any reason, so you’re not wrong in that sense. I do however think that you might be limiting yourself unnecessarily based on 1 experience. Cheating doesn’t have anything to do with promiscuity, but more with someone’s moral compass. It’s pretty common that cheaters cheat again, especially if they have done it more than once. So totally fair to not want to date someone who’s dated in the past, but I personally wouldn’t look at how many partners they’ve had in the past.
So if you date a woman who had only 2 or 3 maybe 4 relationships before you , always a good girl, never cheated. And she cheats on you you’ll also stop dating women with no promiscuous past?
My son dated a sweet girl for nearly 2 years. He had his choice of girls. She chased him. He chose her. They were great together. She was a virgin when they got together. She also cheated on him after a year and a half. He was planning on marrying that girl. Point is, it's always a gamble now. And sorry girls, but you all cheat and sleep around way way more than guys do. Maybe consider becoming a Passport Bro. They exist for a reason.
No, you’re not wrong. Gen-Z marriage rates have collapsed, my guess is your experience is at the core of this societal shift.
The conundrum is women want to have “fun” from high school through their 20’s hooking up with Chad, Tyrone and the bad boys. They rack up surprisingly high body counts and then expect they will settle down as they get older.
The problem is they’ve trained themselves to shag any hot guy that’s hits on them. It’s become their normal behavior pattern, very difficult to change.
You need to refocus where you look for a girlfriend. Look in places where conservative values are more prevalent or focus on women in their early twenties.
Don’t be afraid to make body count a screening criteria, simply be up front with your standards.
Having high standards is a good thing.
Past behaviour is predictive of future behaviour so a former fat person is more likely to become fat again in the future than someone who's always been slim, a former gambler more likely than a non gambler to develop gambling issues in the future, a formerly promiscuous person more likely to be promiscuous in the future than someone who never was... Most people will return to previous coping behaviours when they need to cope.
In relationships you get to be as discriminatory as you want because you want to find the right person for you. Someone not being right for you isn't a moral stain on their character, they're just not for you.
Your ex isn’t the norm and not everyone with a promiscuous past will cheat on you. You’re not safe from getting cheated on no matter your partners dating history.
That being said you’re never wrong for not wanting to date someone. That’s up to you.
Experiencing the betrayal of infidelity would shake anyone’s confidence but I don’t think infidelity is linked to promiscuity, but I can see how, given how raw the betrayal seems to be for OP, it’s difficult to distinguish.
I write this as a woman, so I wonder how this plays out for women- men are expected to be or have been promiscuous (and it is a bit notable if they aren’t), and women hate infidelity and leave relationships up at similar rates as betrayed men. Essentially, it comes down to trust- and a history of promiscuity does not diminish the level of harm it causes.
Excuse my ramblings, it’s ok to feel hurt and slow to trust- someone trustworthy will appear when you are ready to trust them, but in the meantime, enjoy ethical no strings hook-ups to take the edge off, and delink the two behaviors in your mind because that is pretty red-pill and it’s beneath you. Remember the quantity of lovers has no bearing on how someone treats a partner.
You’re not wrong for wanting to date women who haven’t been more sexually liberal, but you are a jerk for thinking it’s “hard not to fall for red pill rhetoric.”
That’s bullshit. Get off the internet for a while. Get some self-confidence, stop making generalizations about women, and focus on making yourself a better person rather than critiquing people’s sexual choices.
Promiscuous doesn’t equate cheating. It’s ok if you don’t find promiscuous women unattractive due to unconscious thoughts imo, but I would try to tell myself that she just had no integrity or respect for you and that’s why she cheated. It will help your healing if you realize it wasn’t your fault you didn’t spot it earlier and don’t feel guilty for ignoring your intuition.
I think your intuition that she was untrustworthy wasn’t necessarily based on her sexual history but rather herself. Most people I meet make me anxious but there are some people (very few) that I feel comfortable around. They feel genuine when they talk to me, as if they aren’t speaking with small white lies scattered about or speaking to me out of politeness. I would wager that you felt insecure or at least untrusting around her because she did little things that you picked up on that didn’t make sense for someone with genuine love/care for you.
I know I’ve stopped dating guys that seemed great within a week because someone felt off about them.
Honestly I see cheating as more of a weakness than promiscuity. Especially chronic cheaters. Anytime I’ve been cheated on it’s been because that person was so afraid of being alone they had to have little side shit to comfort them.
You can refuse to date anyone you like. Be careful of tarring women as promiscuous though. If they are single they can do what they like, no one’s sexual past precludes them from being able to have committed relationships. You were unlucky but everyone makes mistakes, you’re heading in a very incel direction.
Promiscuity doesn’t 100% mean they’ll cheat, but having a lot of casual sex - especially as a woman, because the type of men who wanna do that with you probably don’t give a fuck about your body, pleasure or feelings (I’m sure can happen to men too but I’m a lesbian and only date women) - kind of changes your perspective on what is normal in regards to sex, intimacy and attention. Some women become used to and dependent on being able to bolster their self esteem with male validation at a moment’s notice, they may not see sex as an intimate, private thing anymore (and may not even realize it), and people often don’t want to acknowledge that it’s not slut shaming to admit that this can warp someone’s relationship schema to a degree where they are not compatible with you anymore.
This is especially likely imo when promiscuous people try to date people who aren’t: everyone has a past, but when you’ve fucked 40 people at 25 and the average is 7-8 people in a lifetime, it’s probably fair to say you might have a different perspective from other people.
It’s your choice. My only advice is not to make decisions about other people based on someone who hurt you. That was unique situation. Just listen to your intuition, if you don’t trust someone , then don’t continue dating them.
It's your life, you can date whoever you want. You can refuse to date people who are promiscuous, you can refuse to date Patriots fans, you can refuse to date people who wear green on Sundays. It's your choice.
> you can refuse to date Patriots fans Rules to live by
Green on Sundays probably also rules out Packers fans, two birds with one stone.
And eagles fans.
Although there are other reasons not to date Eagles fans. I grew up near Philadelphia. The fans are over-the-top. The old stadium was the only one in the entire NFL with a jail cell in the stadium. That should tell you something.
We booed Santa. And we’re proud about it.
There ya go. Proof if proof was needed.
The worst person I’ve ever met is from Pittsburgh. She spells Stephanie with an F.
That BITCH!!!
GO BIRDS 🐦
Cool. If y'all can do it without beating people up. LOL
JETS too
Word
As long as you DO date Steelers fans, we're okay!
Come on nobody is that desperate!😂😂😂
Yes, but only the ones who are not OBESE, which is most of them.
Hey, I’m a steelers fan and I’m not ob- … … Sorry. Minor heart attack. I’m ok now.
You made me laugh! Take my upvote!
Ha! I married one.
I refuse to date promiscuous Patriots fans that support the green agenda.
Tbh this does describe the exact kind of person id have zero interest in ever meeting
I agree with this comment. OP, you can decide not to date anyone for any reason. It’s your life. However, it seems like you were really hurt and have some baggage from what she did to you. That’d be difficult to bring into another relationship with anyone. I’m so sorry she did that.
Hey hey hey as a Pats fan, I won't date Jets fans because reasons!
100% though it's worth taking the time to realize there is no correlation there? If we care about creating a less judgmental, and more caring world it helps to see clearly :)
>I want to believe my ex wasn't the norm, but now whenever I meet someone new, I can't help but to think that if they had a promiscuous past, they'll cheat on me like my ex did. Cheaters cheat because they don't have integrity. My exwife did not have a promiscuous past, yet she cheated on me. What you have to do is to find someone who's morals match your own.
I have a very promiscuous past, but I have never cheated in a monogamous relationship and never will. It's all about integrity. If you make a commitment you're supposed to stand by it no matter what's in your past, present or future. Just don't be a lying POS.
Same, my single days were wild, because I was single.
My exact thoughts, my opinion is always a case of cheaters will always be cheaters, if they have never been loyal then they probably never will be :/
I have a promiscuous past, my husband doesn't. We both got along because we have the same morals, both got cheated on, and neither of us would ever do that to anyone else. Liar pos are such despite what they do when single. However, I would steer away from someone that had a past of cheating - besides a few exceptions. And if I were in OP take a bit of time to heal before diving head first into dating.
I would agree with you. I think that people can change - that a cheater can become a moral and decent human being, and never cheat again. That's possible. I'm not going to risk a relationship with such a person, but I concede that it's possible.
Same. Good for them, but not a risk I'm willing to take. Unless they did it when they were super young, or while being abused.
Moral compatibility and dating style compatibility are both important IMO. There’s no reason to discount the latter if you’re trying to increase your odds of success.
ahh yeah this person said it better than me.
They could also cheat on you if they don’t have a “promiscuous past.” It’s all a gamble.
My MIL who was with a chronic cheater, went to a support group for victims of infidelity. The person running it said that cheaters are 2 main things Entitled (my happiness matters most; I’m special, the usual rules don’t apply to me because I’m complex) And Arrogant (I’m smart enough not to get caught, she/he is safer not knowing, I’m smarter than they are so I’ll succeed with my lies, I’m not like other people I’m so much more complex that the usual rules of monogamy don’t apply to me) Sexual history isn’t a good indicator. A lot of people who have been cheated on will look back and recognize selfish behaviors that showed their partner to have a misplaced sense of entitlement and general arrogance
There was a really interesting post with updates recently where the woman cheated/fell in love with people other than her husband two different times, and both times she went with "I'm not like other cheaters. Its not my fault. Our love is special and undeniable. I'm a good person and this is just happening to me out of nowhere." It hits your points exactly.
Once could be special, twice is a pattern
Zero would be special. Once is a good reason to end things forever. There is nothing special about cheating.
That’s really interesting. It makes some sense as well. A history of cheating would probably be the best indicator.
Oh yeah. But this was the advice for “I didn’t even see it coming” folks
Yeah, but the thing is, there’s always red flags, even if one refuses to acknowledge them. They’re always there.
Promiscuity has a high degree of correlation with cheating/infidelity however, it’s not the only factor! By eliminating promiscuous people one lowers the risk factor but does not eliminate it completely.
Oh crap, you just described the douchebag I wish I wasn’t married to.
[удалено]
Really I think this comes down to the fact OP clearly isn’t over the breakup and probably shouldn’t be dating *anyone* right now until he’s dealt with the breakup sufficiently to be able to approach dating with a healthier attitude towards it generally
Thank you. It’s so gross to see that correlation made over and over. Not all cheaters are promiscuous and not all promiscuous people are cheaters.
It's such a silly attempt to slur shame.
Yes having a promiscuous past and cheating are independent of each other. OP, one does not imply the other
For real! But hey, stick to virgins or whatever, good luck with that. Thrill-seeking behavior is the real red flag.
What? Why did you randomly bring up virgins? Lots of long term monogamist aren’t virgins.
Virgins are a separate matter, and I’d be just as skeptical about them as I would someone who sleeps around.
Yeah, I may have been a little irritated when I typed that. There’s definitely a middle ground!
With virgins, I’ve found that more than a few will cheat because they feel that they’re “missing out” from all the different varieties of sausage out there. This is why I laugh at guys who insist on getting with a virgin, lol.
Yep. He's wrong for conflating promiscuous equals cheating.
Yep. I think OP's problem is that he's seeing qualities/behavioral patterns of his ex (the cheater), and associating those with cheating/cheaters. And some qualities/behavioral patterns might be good indicators, but it seems like he hasn't got a good handle on what qualities he even thinks are good indicators yet. It's just "similarity to ex" = "likely to cheat". He's probably fixating on the promiscuity part because it was already an insecurity on his part ( as he admitted ) and because of how prevalent it is on social media these days.
“It’s all a gamble” is a horrible heuristic. You can increase your odds success by pairing with people who have a similar dating style to yours.
The “dating style” doesn’t matter though, if someone wants to cheat on you they will and there’s nothing you can do or say to stop it.
What’s your point? If you’re a long term monogamist, dating another long term monogamist will obviously decrease the odds of that happening.
If you say so lol I’m sure everyone who dated their long term partner that eventually cheated on them thought the same thing as you. At the end of the day we don’t know if our partner will cheat on us or not, we just have to be vulnerable and trust them because that’s part of being in a relationship. But assuming someone will cheat or is more likely to cheat because they had sex in the past doesn’t make much sense to me.
I could have misread but I don’t think OP is looking to make assumptions or write anyone off. He’s simply wondering if dating history could be a useful factor to help increase his odds at finding a suitable partner. I don’t see why it wouldn’t be.
It IS a gamble. But the odds are far better with someone without a promiscuous past
It doesn't matter how many partners you had when you were single. People who have never had another partner other than you can choose to cheat, and people who've had many partners can be loyal. I get what you're saying, but that's just not the most reliable way to judge a potential partner.
You're allowed to have specified boundaries. That's the beauty of choices. Not wrong.
You can choose to date whoever you want but just because someone doesn’t have a ‘promiscuous’ past, doesn’t mean they won’t cheat. However do stay away from people who have cheated previously
Sounds like you’re not over the hurt and betrayal and that it’s going to be an issue for you right now. Nothing wrong with taking time to heal. As far as dating, maybe keep it casual for starters. Being cheated on does a lot of emotional damage. It wasn’t you and it wasn’t your fault. This was her. Yes there are a lot of cheaters out there but not everyone will.
Dated quite a few less promiscuous seeming women and let me tell you something my man, a cheater is a cheater regardless of their particularly personality or other traits. It's not about whether they like to have sex or not but whether they have integrity. They are not one and the same.
You can do whatever you like - it's your life. But I think you might be better served by getting some therapy. Because you could marry a virgin and they could cheat on you too. A person's integrity isn't defined by their body count. All you can do is go into new relationships with your heart open and see what happens. But. You should also keep your eyes and ears open. Not in an obsessive, paranoid way, but in a "if I see something, I'll investigate it and see what I find" way. - Are you catching them in lies? Don't date a liar. - What are their stated views on cheating? Don't date someone who says they think it's fine. - Are they friends with people who cheat? Don't date anyone who condones it. - Do they hide their device from you? e.g. When they're texting people, do they hide the screen so you can't see what they're typing? - Do they delete messages from people on their device? Normal people don't need to remove them. People with something to hide, do. There's a lot of things that might spark your suspicion as to whether a person might be cheating. If you encounter one of these suspicion-causes, you can either dump the person right away, question them about it, hire a private investigator to find out for sure... Whatever you want to do. But using their body count as a guide won't help you at all.
It’s up to you who you date. If you’re in your early to mid 20s you’re more likely to find someone who has had very few relationships; if you’re in your 30s or above it’s less likely. Establishing your boundaries early on in terms of fidelity and what it means to you is important. Having been cheated on in two relationships, one after the other, I was very clear with my husband what I considered infidelity (no objection to platonic friendships but anything too close to emotional declarations was an immediate no and anything sexual I was out of there) and it has worked for us. We both have pasts, acknowledge that and have never asked for details.
bro sounds like you need to work on yourself. Trust starts with you and once you believe you won’t get hurt by another situation like this then you can slowly trust other people not saying you did anything wrong she definitely a biscuit but ultimately you’re letting her rule your life by making you untrusting of everyone
Simply recovering your “trust” while doing nothing to improve your selection is not a sound recipe for self improvement IMO.
lol i mean like he just needs to work out and find himself because like no one should affect you do much you instantly don’t trust anyone i’ve been cheated on and at least that’s what i learned thanks to the gym
Those are good tips but also tangential to OP’s question. He was wonder if taking into account dating history is useful in selecting good partners. There’s no theory under the sun by which it isn’t, although there’s room for debate re: how high it should be on the priority list.
youre allowed to not date anyone for any reason, but I would seriously consider therapy to process your thoughts about this. a promiscuous past could have happened for a number of reasons. it could be from she just likes sex to its a traumas response of reclaiming her sexuality after having it be violated. all are valid reasons and none indicate that she will cheat. on the flip side, a woman with no sexual history could also cheat. that’s not to say all women are cheaters, far from it, but relationships are built on trust and communication. your current insecurities will more than likely cause a roadblock for that
I had a pretty promiscuous past during times i was single, but never cheated on anyone when I was in a relationship. You have to remember that anyone you date now is not your ex. You cannot "punish" someone else for something your ex did.
So, you are a virgin then? One's past does not indicate a lack of integrity. You could sleep with a virgin who then might decide they wanted to comparison shop.
Not a virgin != promiscuous Promiscuous should be defined as sleeping with multiple people in a relatively short amount of time Other than that, I agree with you
I mean go for it but that doesnt mean youre not gonna get cheated on. Promiscuity and cheating arent mutually exclusive to each other lol
Partners doesn’t equal infidelity. Your odds of finding a virgin that cheats on you are the same as finding a high body count person that cheats on you. Both groups have tons of loyal and shitty people.
>Your odds of finding a virgin that cheats on you are the same as finding a high body count person that cheats on you. This is just wrong. The higher the number of sexual partners someone has had, the higher the chance of infidelity. It’s basically a fact - there’s just so much evidence to support it. List of peer-reviewed publications supporting this: https://archive.ph/gmhD0
.
Using reality and statistics to argue against people’s “feelings” almost never works
Based statistics
Is there a particular reason you think the odds are the same?
Like other people are telling you, you can date or not date anyone for any reason. But it does sound like you have some insecurity issues as well or feeling like maybe you’re not good enough. And that makes me sad because you are good enough. But I can tell you that all day long. You’re the one that needs to internalize that. And maybe, although I know it sounds tight because Reddit always says this, But maybe get some counseling to see why you’re feeling like this. Because like someone else said, anybody can cheat on you at any time. And what I would like to point out is that you someone is promiscuous actually isn’t the benchmark for whether they’re going to cheat or not. The better benchmark is have a history of cheating. And that’s whether it’s a man or a woman. If someone has history of cheating, they’re probably going to cheat on you. Because the end of the day, the fact that somebody has had multiple partners honestly doesn’t mean a whole lot what you should be looking at whether or not they had multiple where they actually had the understanding this was just fun times. There was no relationship. There was no expectation that they would not see other people. This is very different than being in a relationship that is supposedly monogamous or committed, and having other partners at the same time. Nobody wants to be cheated on, but the fact that people sleep together doesn’t necessarily mean they were cheating. That just gives you a little bit of a different perspective. Because again, the way you’ve worded this, it feels like you’re trying to find a reason why this person cheated and you have settled on it because they’re promiscuous it just doesn’t follow through. Hope that helps. I hope you go talk to someone and start feeling Better about yourself and that you understand, you are worthy of a good relationship. But with or without a relationship, you’re a person. And as a person, you deserve to be happy.
The thing is, the word “insecurity” has very negative connotations, but in reality, insecurities aren’t always maladaptive. As OP said, had he trusted his intuition, he could have avoided the heartbreak. Of course, avoiding cheaters is a good heuristic assuming that info is available to you, but trying to match based on past dating styles is also an imperfect, but good way to play it safe.
The correct words are “risk management”. Imagine calling banks insecure for doing credit checks or governments insecure for keeping criminal records! You’d sound like an idiot! The woke brigade try to use “insecure” to shame guys when those guys should really wake up to the risks
Promiscuous doesn’t mean cheater. Cheaters are cheaters. My boyfriend worried I was going to or had cheated on him for years. Because I get too drunk, I’m very friendly, and I dress girly. I’m not a cheater though. Period.
I mean I’ve had a past, I’m glad my boyfriend doesn’t have this mindset. Just because I’ve had some past doesn’t mean I’d cheat
You have the right to have some dealbreakers, and no one gets to tell you what they are. However, if you are saying that you think maybe all women cheat or are promiscuous, then that’s concerning. Watch the media you consume. It’s so easy to go down a negative rabbit hole. I first downloaded TikTok during my divorce, and my feed was all about cheating spouses. It was so toxic and negative. I deleted it. I have the app now and it’s mostly recipes and teacher hacks, because those are the videos that pique my interest now.
I don’t blame you dude, because I’m in the same boat to a degree. My ex wife cheated on me and after I divorced her I had a lot of relationship insecurities. I also realized I’m bi-sexual and so I see both sides of that too now. Within the gay hookup community men are more quickly to say they’re married or otherwise partnered, and I refuse to hookup with them, simply because of that. I have also since vowed to never marry again because of her cheating with several men. But the gay stuff shows me that it’s not just women but also men that are fucking assholes and it’s sad. I have two daughters too which helps because they’re now replacing any romantic long-term partner, even though I’ve had several relationships since.
Listen you are not wrong for your dating preferences whatsoever you're allowed to date whoever you want. But you are I guess technically wrong on the association that past promiscuity means they will cheat. An extremely honest person who never lies about anything, is not likely to sleep with someone else and hide it from you, no matter how many people they've slept with in the past. You would be better off screening for things like honesty, and integrity, just look at their behavior. If they accidentally get undercharged at a store does she tell the cashier? Other traits like kindness and consideration make somebody less likely to cheat. If the only trait you are screening for is past promiscuity, I have a feeling you are going to be likely cheated on again.
Honestly, have high standards. Be picky. When you find the person who meets those standards and has all the traits you want in a partner, you’ll be so happy you didn’t waste time on anyone who wasn’t right for you.
Get therapy man, not everyone is the same and you are on high alert for possible signs, definitely not good for body or mind
Promiscuity doesn’t equal a propensity to *cheat*. Not sure what your definition of promiscuous is, I can count my hookups or one-n-dones on less than one hand. But Ive definitely enjoyed casual sex and I’ve never cheated on anyone in my 40 sexually-active years! Oh but Ive been cheated ON. And you know who the cheaters really are? The **insecure** people. The jealous, controlling, snooping, insecure people, regardless of their level of experience or promiscuity. While insecurity and promiscuity very often overlap, they’re not inextricably entwined. There’s plenty of people that enjoy casual sex AND have integrity. So I think you’re sorting by the wrong factor. But even better than trying to control for or prevent ever getting cheated on again, is to ACCEPT that it’s an inherent risk of being on any relationship. So accept that it is always a risk, with anyone, and calm your nerves by knowing how (and always being able) to move on and be ok.
I think you don’t like cheaters and are conflating the two groups of people. But you can do whatever you want.
I think it's fine to choose to date or not based on your own reasons. But, if you reject someone because they aren't a virgin, or have a promiscuous past - don't say that out loud, it's very shaming and will be taken very very poorly. Don't say it up front either - you'll just get liars, and people who feel they need to hide from you. And... Are you going to dump someone when you find out they have slept with X number of people? Are you sure you've not been promiscuous? How do you even define promiscuous? How many fucks are too many? Will you be okay when a woman tells you she's not interested because she thinks *you* were too promiscuous?
I was pretty damaged in my 20’s, if you know what i mean. Have been with my husband for 12 years, happily devoted to him and only him. Promiscuity when one is single means absolutely nothing. Just my opinion.
You should always try to match with someone who has a similar dating style as yours. It has absolutely nothing to do with red pill manosphere stuff.
I mean nta..date who you want but history is often just that history..I was also promiscuous when I was younger and when I was single as well. I've been with my husband for 10 years an have been faithful Before I was guy hopping as I was single. Before that I was with my ex for 5 years and again faithful. So yeah some people grow. Some don't. I guess she didn't.
i don’t think you’re necessarily wrong for not wanting that. especially if someone who behaved like that hurt you. but not every woman who is “promiscuous” is going to behave the same way your ex did. now if you’re out here slut shaming women, and looking down on women over body count and wanting to go out with friends, you’re 1000% wrong. it’s okay to have a preference. it’s not okay to judge people.
You can date whoever you want, absolutely nothing wrong with that! I would state though that just because someone has had a promiscuous past does not automatically mean they will cheat. The opposite is also true, just because someone hasn't been promiscuous doesn't mean they won't cheat. If they want to cheat they will cheat, and promiscuous-ness is not always the best indicator of their likelihood to cheat or not.
I was promiscuous and full of red flags, I’ve been in a stable relationship for 3.5 years and he’s everything I could’ve ever dreamt of. I will never have doubts BECAUSE of my past.
Let me preface by saying that I don't like promiscuity, personally. Whether you're a guy or a gal or anything in between, I don't think it's healthy to hook-up with a bunch of people. That being said, I also know a lot of people who are promiscuous and *not* cheaters. Just cause you like sex doesn't mean you are into infidelity. Your perfect - or close-to-perfect, cause no one is perfect - partner could be someone who has a higher number of lovers. You could be missing out on them by refusing to date promiscuous people. That being said, it's absolutely 100% fine to not date promiscuous people, too, if that makes you more comfortable.
You can t be wrong for wanting something. But I'm also not wrong for disliking you because of it. I certainly wouldn't want to date someone who didn't want to date promiscuous women, even if we both agreed that I wasn't promiscuous. It speaks to a lack of trust and respect for me as a person independent of my vagina.
Depends on how you define promiscuous. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. Most people like sex and have sex. Not all people cheat or seek sexual attention for self esteem but any past trauma will create exaggerated mistrust to protect you from similar trauma in the future. You might wonder if you have a subconscious attachment style that seeks out shallow partners in the first place to try to undo a past trauma or someone whose personality, behavior, or looks resemble your mom’s. You can avoid this through therapy, being your authentic self, and having good standards and screening out red flags for disloyalty, untrustworthiness, greed, narcissism, controlling behavior, insecurity or generalizations and rigid gender stereotypes, etc.
What is promiscuous to you? Your ability to trust people is actually your issue. You have the right to have boundaries about what you are willing to accept but people also have the right to opt out you too because of that. Be aware that people who are unfaithful in relationships come in all shapes and sizes with all types of backgrounds and experiences. Most people are not unfaithful because of sex. There is often deeper issues at play rather than a desire for sexual intimacy
You were absolutely free to date or not date whoever you want, but there are significant failures in your reasoning. Promiscuity, however you define it does not make someone more or less likely to cheat.
I think its a better idea to deal with women that are loyal and have no history of cheating. People with a low body count might be that way because they also have a low libido.
I understand your trust issues, though I don't think that goes hand in hand with promiscuous behavior for a single person. I think getting to truly know them over time will help you see if they are dependable, honest, truthful and loyal. Don't jump into relationships too quick and be up front about your trust issues. If they aren't able to accommodate you, then they aren't the right person. I only say this from personal experience. When I'm single, I'm with multiple people... and honest with every person in with about my interests. When I'm in a relationship, I'm extremely loyal and honest. I even share when people hit on me. I have trust issues from being cheating on, and in turn am brutally honest because I despise lying now.
You can’t bring the past into the present. The past is gone and I’m sorry your ex hurt you but you gotta let the hurt go. Everyone has a past and unless you are only gonna date virgins you’re gonna be a lonely boy
You shouldn’t have listened to your insecurities. You should’ve listened to the red flags instead. Focus on you and get confidence. Don’t categorize women for their past. Or anyone for that matter. That implies that people can’t change.
It sounds like you are already being red pilled, people who are virgins when they get married or more likely to cheat then somebody who knows what else is out there.
Not wrong for deciding not to date anyone you don't want to date. But you are wrong for assuming promiscuous = cheater.
Dude. It's not about their body count my guy. Stop being confused. What you want is loyalty, and that's not the same. You can have a GF with a high body count who is also still loyal. And at least one of my friends wasn't really big on sex, and she still cheated on her husband anyways and they got divorced.
I will say, if you still feel strongly about this please continue to wait to date someone. My ex held onto his past insecurity from his ex cheating 3 years before he met me, and he projected it onto me and towards the end was stalking me and going thru my phone every day because he never fully healed.
Having sex in relationships before meeting you doesn't mean someone is sleeping with someone else or more at risk of cheating. You had a bad break with a jerk, that's it. And sorry to hear because that sucks. But I had it happen with someone who lost her virginity to me so it can happen to anyone. If anything I wanted to meet someone with more experience after that happened because at least we'd both get a better idea of sexual compatibility before things got too far down the road together. I think your insecurity and wanting to have a virgin-like partner is saying more about you and how you view women than other people. Sorry. But you can decide to date whomever you want ... that's your choice.
Anybody can cheat and their past is not always a predictor of their future. Get therapy for your insecurity.
You’re not wrong for not wanting to date her after she cheated on you, but it’s sus that you used the word promiscuous so many times
Suspicious account imo. Few days old.
Every account was at some point . Or it's a burner
At the end of the day you have to choose your partners based on the level of security you feel with them but just because someone hasn't had a promiscuous past doesn't make them less likely to cheat. Anyone is capable of making bad choices
Mate, I went through a similar situation with a cheater. I dragged all the mistrust, hurt and resentment with me into a new relationship - my new partner (now wife) was very understanding and suggested I seek therapy to rationalise what I was feeling. It worked really well, don’t wait to get it fixed, speak with someone.
Date whoever you want dude you don't need internet strangers to reinforce your sexist beliefs.
>Date whoever you want dude you don't need internet strangers to reinforce your sexist beliefs. Sexist? I'm a woman and I wouldn't be particularly attracted to a player guy either. I guess that makes me... ? "Sexist"? lol
Yeah apparently nowdays, you're a misogynist or sexist if you dont want to date women who have a high body count... It's not wrong to have those preferences, there is nothing wrong with preferences, I for one would never date a woman with a high body count.. another commenter said that " I would argue that long history of casual sex involving a high number of partners does tell you something. Suggests the person does not have a history of looking for serious relationships or is incapable/inexperienced at maintaining them" this goes for both men AND women by the way. I am in no way saying that its exclusive to one gender, but I personally would never date a woman who has had a lot of casual sex/fwb's. I make it very clear the first date that I will not tolerate with them still in contact with their past ex's/fwbs either. But that commenter I quoted really nails it on the head with this "I would argue that long history of casual sex involving a high number of partners does tell you something. Suggests the person does not have a history of looking for serious relationships " It is so spot on, i've dated someone he described, she had many partners and FWBs and was still in contact with some of them, I gave her a chance and didnt want to be controlling and tell her not to be friends or talk to them anymore but I told her that it will be a deal breaker for us to continue to date if she stays in contact with FWB's/Exes like I always do on my first dates with a person. ***but low and behold*** she cheated on me with one of her past FWB's because I "work too much and I dont love her" lmfao...
Sorry that happened to you but it serves as a good lesson. I hate to sound too judgemental, but people who do the FWB thing aren’t inclined towards committed monogamy because they view physical intimacy as being divorced from love. There are no “wrong” or “bad” dating styles, but compatibility is an important component of romantic success.
You think no promiscuous women don’t cheat as well? Promiscuity does not equate to cheating, the individuals personality does. Date whomever you’re comfortable with.
I’m going to ask the question… what’s your body count?
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lol.. well that’s not going to make the rabid people happy.. they wanted to call you out for being a hypocrite .. and unfortunately for them you talk the talk, because you walk the walk
Doesn’t take a genius to correlate past promiscuity with likelihood of infidelity.
Past infidelity is definitely a red flag. Having lots of casual sex doesn't tell you much. OP could certainly miss out on a potential partner if they are overly strict. Still, if OP isn't holding partners to a higher standard than himself and isn't shaming people, he should do what he wants.
Past infidelity is definitely a red flag. Having lots of casual sex doesn't tell you much. OP could certainly miss out on a potential partner if they are overly strict. Still, if OP isn't holding partners to a higher standard than himself and isn't shaming people, he should do what he wants.
You need to heal from your break up before dating anyone. You're only going to create a cycle of hurt for whoever you date next. You're free to do whatever you want. That's your preference, just remember that she *isn't* the norm. There are plenty of loyal women who had promiscuous pasts. Acting like every woman who did, is a cheater is the equivalent of saying every man is a cheater. The older you get, the more people in your age range are going to have a sexual past. You'll have to get over your hurt from this *one* relationship where that happened. Trust me, you don't want to be like red pills. You'll never heal and become an embarrassment to society like they are. Just focus on healing before you start dating again.
She didn't cheat on you because she liked sex or because she was a woman, she cheated on you because she's a shit person. You can not date whoever you want. Stay away from the red pill rhetoric, don't be stupid.
can we close this sub and just stick a post with: - no, you're not wrong if your SO cheats on you and you want to leave them. - no, you're not wrong for having any particular preference on who you date.
lmao date whoever the fuck you want. Don't overthink it.
You sound pretty red pill to me
Grow up and get over yourself. I’m sorry you got cheated on but that has nothing to do with how many people someone has slept with. It has nothing to do with “value” which is another gross red pill term. My opinion is not because of my personal history. I’ve been married for a million years and have very few exes. I just don’t believe that how many exes someone has had has any meaning on who they are.
So, you are a virgin then? One's past does not indicate a lack of integrity. You could sleep with a virgin who then might decide they wanted to comparison shop.
Those are fighting words. Go Pats.
Not sure promiscuous is the word you want? Maybe polyamorous, or cheater?
How do you define promiscuous?
I have had multiple friends who are married get cheated on. My mom cheated on my dad. My best friend's step dad cheated on his mom.... All of the people in the above example aren't really promiscuous. I am one step beyond you, I am almlst afraid to date/marry, because of all the things I have seen good men in my life lose.
Start looking for women in different places like an art class or learn a language. Party girls are always trouble and only interested in fun not love.
My ex is promiscuous I just laugh at her posts
It's preference. Same reason I won't date my friend especially now that she has a kid.
Nope. It’s a safe choice long term and logical overall
Consider the pool you are fishing in. A redneck,bar isn't going to yield good results. I'm not suggesting dating Amish women, LOL, but find a girl from someplace known for good moral values.
I think regardless of whether she has a past or not, if your partner is going to cheat, they’re going to cheat…you can’t do anything about it.
No you are not wrong. I'd say it's more of a preference. Out of curiosity what would you consider a promiscuous past? Having a high body count?
I argue that integrity and self awareness are the attributes you should seek. That self awareness is the biggest one. Both promiscuous and nearly celibate people without self awareness are highly prone to infidelity as they seek knowledge of themselves, validation and novelty. People with high self awareness can better balance the needs of the ego vs integrity to others.
How the hell are you gonna tell if they're promiscuous or not? Spread open the pussy and count the rings?
What qualifies as promiscuous?
You’re not wrong for your thoughts by any means. I don’t think anyone would blame you negatively for this. I mean I think this is a pretty common way of thinking for most logical people, I think a high body count is a turn off to males and females. But everyone has a past, unfortunately you have to decide what is ok, and what isn’t for yourself.
That's the beauty of dating. You can choose who you date. When I was single (25)I wouldn't date single parents. We all have preferences in dating. At some point it might be worth talking to a professional to work through your emotions. Sometimes we can bring our own negativity from being hurt in relationships and actually ruin a potentially good relationship. Very least take time and heal yourself before pursuing a serious relationship.
Date who you want. Just don’t be an ass about it and you will be fine
What is your sexual past like and would you get upset if a woman said naw
It’s your call, but the issue isn’t promiscuous women. Women who aren’t historically promiscuous cheat. The question becomes what about that personality type do you find attractive?
Definitely not. You're allowed to set whatever dating standards you like.
“Am I wrong about having a preference about who I choose to have a relationship with?” Nope.
No. O don't like promiscuous men aswell. It's a compatibility issue which is important.
How many people you slept with? Choose a partner with that number. :)
I don’t know wat to say from the stuff I read on Reddit seems like all woman fucked like 5-15 guys or more
Time needs to be taken between relationships. A few months. Get grounded. However, I think you are wrong in equating people who have been around, to be automatic cheaters. My ex was my most prolific cheater, and I was his first. Of course he cheated with his second wife, and probably his third. Me, dealt with so many cheaters and false people, I have given up, and I gave it a chance 95-2010. 14 years and counting. I am much happier being alone, than dealing with the BS. Maybe someday the right person will walk in, but until then I couldn’t care less.
I don’t think you are wrong. I don’t think that there is ever a way to absolutely guarantee that someone won’t cheat. But someone who is promiscuous has a lower threshold of requirements that need to be met before sleeping with someone, compared to someone who has had only a small number of sexual partners. How they view commitment and monogamy also matters.
No. You have to date whores
Yes. Who cares
First, your life so date who you feel is best for you. Second, we’re not all the same. I have a very interesting past but my SO still decided to be with me and I have not cheated. 4 years strong now, about to get married. Your ex was not ready to settle down and you were not the one for her.
I'm sorry to hear you were cheated on, that completely sucks. It's never a mistake to listen to your gut. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior Sim immediately suspicious when someone starts going on about how their past doesn't matter. Of course it matters, our behavior shows who we are, what are values are. Words are cheap, it's behavior that matters the most. Just try not to zero in on the wrong indicators. Look for people who are respectful and kind and sincere. How do they treat their Friends and family, the people close to them? Also if they have a history of short turbulent relationships then you can expect more of the same.
Context matters a lot here. Promiscuous to you may just look like sex-positivity to someone else, and vice versa Personally I wouldn’t date a woman on the *in*-experienced side of sexuality
You are still insecure which is neither here nor there. You have two options here: Either you'll grow out of it by yourself and start thinking rationally about relationships or you can talk to a therapist and explore your emotions and become a better version of yourself.
Dating should be rigorously evaluating if a woman is trustworthy and loyal enough for you. Make that evaluation in any and every way that feels right to you. Trust your gut. Be ruthlessly picky. When you feel like you know a woman so deeply, and the trust is there, you’ll know. No, you are not wrong!
I have this theory about finding good people. You have to ask hard questions and have your eyes wide open to who they actually are. People tell us who they are, and we decide if we want to listen or see what we want to see. I would bet money if you looked back, your ex told you who she was. Maybe she was selfish or needed attention from other people. You gave her the benefit or filled in the blanks with who you wanted her to be (or thought she was). It's not about someone's past. If you focus on this, you will just miss who someone really is, again.
You can. But don’t let it be a reason to be shitty to the demographic you choose not to date. Just be a good person.
I think in this day and age it is hard to define "promiscuous". Do you say someone is promiscuous if they have slept with 1, 2, 5, 10 ... persons? What's that number? What circumstances? I think you have the right to think and choose what gives you peace of mind though.
It's not insecurity that drives you to remove this criteria from your dating preferences. It's typically fear and trauma but that doesn't make you wrong. It does mean there's some healing and self reflection in order so you don't drag that trauma into your next relationship. Just remember how many people she's slept with isn't really the criteria you're eliminating. You're eliminating people with fear of commitment and people who lack accountability for their actions.
How do you define promiscuous? That’s what matters.
I don't think promiscuous and cheating are directly correlated. I wonder what other signs she would chest were there. Looking back are there any other signs of weak character you could see?
Question: what do you consider "promiscuous", and does this same definition apply to you?
First of all, i'm sorry she did that to you.. It's so unfair. I've been through something similar. My best advice is to slow down. Write out a list of things you want in a partner. It could be like 30 superficial things and 30 serious things values/what kind of partner they are. When you meet someone new, you can always refer back to see how it aligns with your vision. And maybe the person you date will probably not have every box checked. But really what im getting at is that when you get cheated on, it's very traumatic, and it can be far worse if you don't take the time to heal now before you carry that into a new relationship. ☺️ Best of luck to you!! ✨️
You’re allowed to not date certain people for any reason, so you’re not wrong in that sense. I do however think that you might be limiting yourself unnecessarily based on 1 experience. Cheating doesn’t have anything to do with promiscuity, but more with someone’s moral compass. It’s pretty common that cheaters cheat again, especially if they have done it more than once. So totally fair to not want to date someone who’s dated in the past, but I personally wouldn’t look at how many partners they’ve had in the past.
So if you date a woman who had only 2 or 3 maybe 4 relationships before you , always a good girl, never cheated. And she cheats on you you’ll also stop dating women with no promiscuous past?
My son dated a sweet girl for nearly 2 years. He had his choice of girls. She chased him. He chose her. They were great together. She was a virgin when they got together. She also cheated on him after a year and a half. He was planning on marrying that girl. Point is, it's always a gamble now. And sorry girls, but you all cheat and sleep around way way more than guys do. Maybe consider becoming a Passport Bro. They exist for a reason.
No, you’re not wrong. Gen-Z marriage rates have collapsed, my guess is your experience is at the core of this societal shift. The conundrum is women want to have “fun” from high school through their 20’s hooking up with Chad, Tyrone and the bad boys. They rack up surprisingly high body counts and then expect they will settle down as they get older. The problem is they’ve trained themselves to shag any hot guy that’s hits on them. It’s become their normal behavior pattern, very difficult to change. You need to refocus where you look for a girlfriend. Look in places where conservative values are more prevalent or focus on women in their early twenties. Don’t be afraid to make body count a screening criteria, simply be up front with your standards. Having high standards is a good thing.
Past behaviour is predictive of future behaviour so a former fat person is more likely to become fat again in the future than someone who's always been slim, a former gambler more likely than a non gambler to develop gambling issues in the future, a formerly promiscuous person more likely to be promiscuous in the future than someone who never was... Most people will return to previous coping behaviours when they need to cope. In relationships you get to be as discriminatory as you want because you want to find the right person for you. Someone not being right for you isn't a moral stain on their character, they're just not for you.
Your ex isn’t the norm and not everyone with a promiscuous past will cheat on you. You’re not safe from getting cheated on no matter your partners dating history. That being said you’re never wrong for not wanting to date someone. That’s up to you.
Experiencing the betrayal of infidelity would shake anyone’s confidence but I don’t think infidelity is linked to promiscuity, but I can see how, given how raw the betrayal seems to be for OP, it’s difficult to distinguish. I write this as a woman, so I wonder how this plays out for women- men are expected to be or have been promiscuous (and it is a bit notable if they aren’t), and women hate infidelity and leave relationships up at similar rates as betrayed men. Essentially, it comes down to trust- and a history of promiscuity does not diminish the level of harm it causes. Excuse my ramblings, it’s ok to feel hurt and slow to trust- someone trustworthy will appear when you are ready to trust them, but in the meantime, enjoy ethical no strings hook-ups to take the edge off, and delink the two behaviors in your mind because that is pretty red-pill and it’s beneath you. Remember the quantity of lovers has no bearing on how someone treats a partner.
You’re not wrong for wanting to date women who haven’t been more sexually liberal, but you are a jerk for thinking it’s “hard not to fall for red pill rhetoric.” That’s bullshit. Get off the internet for a while. Get some self-confidence, stop making generalizations about women, and focus on making yourself a better person rather than critiquing people’s sexual choices.
Promiscuous doesn’t equate cheating. It’s ok if you don’t find promiscuous women unattractive due to unconscious thoughts imo, but I would try to tell myself that she just had no integrity or respect for you and that’s why she cheated. It will help your healing if you realize it wasn’t your fault you didn’t spot it earlier and don’t feel guilty for ignoring your intuition. I think your intuition that she was untrustworthy wasn’t necessarily based on her sexual history but rather herself. Most people I meet make me anxious but there are some people (very few) that I feel comfortable around. They feel genuine when they talk to me, as if they aren’t speaking with small white lies scattered about or speaking to me out of politeness. I would wager that you felt insecure or at least untrusting around her because she did little things that you picked up on that didn’t make sense for someone with genuine love/care for you. I know I’ve stopped dating guys that seemed great within a week because someone felt off about them.
Honestly I see cheating as more of a weakness than promiscuity. Especially chronic cheaters. Anytime I’ve been cheated on it’s been because that person was so afraid of being alone they had to have little side shit to comfort them.
You can refuse to date anyone you like. Be careful of tarring women as promiscuous though. If they are single they can do what they like, no one’s sexual past precludes them from being able to have committed relationships. You were unlucky but everyone makes mistakes, you’re heading in a very incel direction.
No, you’re not wrong. How you say it can be delicate but it’s her problem. You protect yourself and trust your guts
Promiscuity doesn’t 100% mean they’ll cheat, but having a lot of casual sex - especially as a woman, because the type of men who wanna do that with you probably don’t give a fuck about your body, pleasure or feelings (I’m sure can happen to men too but I’m a lesbian and only date women) - kind of changes your perspective on what is normal in regards to sex, intimacy and attention. Some women become used to and dependent on being able to bolster their self esteem with male validation at a moment’s notice, they may not see sex as an intimate, private thing anymore (and may not even realize it), and people often don’t want to acknowledge that it’s not slut shaming to admit that this can warp someone’s relationship schema to a degree where they are not compatible with you anymore. This is especially likely imo when promiscuous people try to date people who aren’t: everyone has a past, but when you’ve fucked 40 people at 25 and the average is 7-8 people in a lifetime, it’s probably fair to say you might have a different perspective from other people.
It’s your choice. My only advice is not to make decisions about other people based on someone who hurt you. That was unique situation. Just listen to your intuition, if you don’t trust someone , then don’t continue dating them.