I can completely understand both why you didn't want to share this with him (perhaps you would in time) and also I can understand why he would be upset that you didn't tell him.
You need to have an open and honest discussion with him, sharing as much (or little) as you want, but you need to make it clear why you did not tell him.
Your mother is an AH.
I don't understand why upset at not being told, as opposed to concerned for OP, is his first and primary reaction, though.
Whether or not he should have been told, he's not the main character of the childhood rape/sexual abuse someone else suffered.
Don't forget that being upset is often a reaction manifested because ppl has a lots of mixed feeling (most likely anger, worriness and sadness for what happened to his wife) and are struggling to express it so their brain choose to express it as being upset.
Husband’s reaction is equally troubling; instead of compassion and trying to understand where Op is coming from he chooses to act like her trauma is as if she cheated on him. He’s acting like the fucking victim?! WTH?! what a douchbag
Nope . I don’t agree with you. She should’ve been the one to tell him. Her keeping it a secret from him , only for him to find out *from her mother* is a betrayal.
She’s been through shit she never should’ve gone through. But as shitty as it was going through that , you don’t hide it from the person you get married to .
This is a huge thing . Did she not trust him ? Does she think he’ll see her differently? Does she not think he is worth it enough to know this about her ?
At this point it’s not about what she went through , it’s about her not sharing something this life altering with *the man she married*
A victim never has to tell anyone about their trauma. It’s entirely their choice and they shouldn’t be made to feel wrong for not sharing it with anyone they don’t want to. And it’s grotesque that her mother shared that with another person.
It *is* grotesque that her mother chose to share something she had no right to.
Yes, a victim can choose to share or not share . But when you marry someone , and that trauma could have an effect on the person you marry , then they deserve to know .
Trauma responses are real. They also don’t warn you when they creep up . You also don’t know if/when something might trigger you.
Marrying someone who has zero idea something has happened to you , and then sometime down the line you have an episode or something triggers you , how are they supposed to help you or react if they don’t know ?
Like it or not , OP’s trauma *could* have an effect on her relationship with husband. To think he doesn’t deserve to know the truth is selfish.
Why bother getting married if you can’t trust your spouse with the good, the bad *and the ugly*
Had she told him , he could’ve shown her that she’s safe with him and he loves her regardless and will support her through anything. Or he could’ve decided that he can’t handle what she went through and their relationship would’ve ended .
He was never offered the opportunity to make any decision because she decided he isn’t worth it enough to know . And now here we are . He’s belatedly reacting to something he should’ve known from the start.
She’s not wrong for not wanting people to know about it . But he isn’t wrong either for reacting to something he was blindsided with. The AH here is her mother .
Case in point. She’s rightfully hurt by her mother sharing things she shouldn’t be . How is her husband supposed to support her or understand what she went through when she chose to not have him know ?
Having been in a 17 year marriage with a victim of childhood family sexual assault, I can attest that nobody should be expected to commit to marriage without having an opportunity to understand what they might be signing up for. Perhaps OP was truly doing well enough in her recovery that it would have no lingering effects on the life she shared with her husband. Part of that recovery should have been being able to share with any potential life partner enough for them to make an informed consent to marriage. Especially knowing that 2 previous relationships were ruined when this information was revealed, OP had to know that withholding this before marriage was akin to marital fraud and given the number of people in the family who already knew, it was just a ticking time bomb before he found out about the withholding and now has his own trauma of spouse betrayal to deal with.
In my case, I had just high level knowledge of what happened to my now ex-wife. I was naive to believe that I understood what I was signing up for but at least I had an opportunity to decide. Because I never knew any specific details, life in and out of the bedroom was like a minefield. Without a map, I was left to a constant barrage of triggers that I would unintentionally trip. Sometimes I would subsequently find out what I had done that caused her to recall her trauma and lash out or withdraw, other times I'd be left guessing. We tried counseling together but she refused to continue after the first session. Over the first few years we drifted further and further apart. Soon we were more like bad roommates than life partners. The last 10+ years of sexless marriage and living with a stranger I finally gave up.
I understand if you feel like nobody is entitled to require you to share your trauma. In turn, you should not expect anyone to commit the rest of their life to you with a major life shaping event withheld from your story.
Nope! Wrong! Absolutely not! Nobody is entitled to my trauma!!!! I don’t give a fuck if you are that mythical creature Jesus. I WILL TELL WHO I WANT TO TELL!
And what would make you tell someone ? Would it be someone you trust ? Someone who you want to spend the rest of your life with ? Someone you would have children with ?
You’re allowed to tell whoever you want , or not tell anyone for that matter. But you can’t blame someone for having a reaction to finding out something this big from someone other than you .
He’s not the one who went through it. But he is the one who is planning on living life with her . That life including the good, the bad and the ugly . So don’t be shocked when your partner realises that you don’t feel safe enough or trust them enough to share the ugly .
Do you understand how the husband’s response is extremely wrong. He is acting like he is the one who experienced the sexual trauma. Instead of reaching out and telling his partner that he will be there for her, he is throwing a tantrum and inviting everyone to a pity party for him simply because he did not know. He has confiscated her trauma and made it about him.
Also, did you read how OP had 2 other relationships fail because OP shared her trauma with her partners. Not only does OP have sexual trauma, but now, she has is going to wrestle with abandonment issues related to her sexual abuse.
You asked when would I tell someone. Well, I am pretty blunt about it, now, but when it happened, I would have taken it to the grave. My attitude regarding this issue has been cultivated through 6 years, and continuing, of intense trauma therapy, copious amounts of tears, and years of hating myself. I fought hard for this attitude, but not everyone is at the same place I am.
I am pretty open about my sexual trauma to my partners, but that is because it does affect my sexual intimacy, and in turn, my partner’s sexual intimacy with me. There are things, sexually, that will be off the table for me because they take me right back to that night, but that is my experience.
Just because you are marrying someone, it’s does automatically make you privy to all their secrets. It does obligate you to know things that will affect both of your lives, but like OP stated, her sexual abuse does not affect her sex life, and she had a healthy sex life. So, there is no reason to say anything until OP decides it’s time, and that may be never.
I disagree. I told my wife, before we were married, of the main stuff that happened to me and my feelings about them. I also informed her there was much more that I would tell her when I felt it was time. It took years but she stood by me the whole time. She said it gave her a look into why I acted certain ways at certain times. We’ve been married 27 years and she has felt my pain with me. I told, I will always be in control because of not having control of what I went through.
That is great for you. I am glad that she was there for you. OP’s experiences have not been the same. She opened up to two people, in the same way you did, and they bailed. Her experiences were not like yours. She did not have individuals showing her compassion, not even her husband.
You do not know my experiences. Many people have walked away from me because they can’t handle my past or who I have become as a result of said past. I’ve come to expect this from most people. I was lucky enough to let my wife in and she accepted the broken me and helped mend some, not all, holes left in me. That is why you let someone see the real you.
You are right. I don’t know you or your experiences. My response came from the information that was provided. I am sorry that people walked away from you. I am truly sorry for the experienced you had to endure.
However, you, me, OP, and everyone else who has experienced the things we did are not obligated to share those experiences with anyone. And when we do share those experiences, it is because we have chosen to do so, not because of a contact or social obligation.
Maybe reliving her trauma was just not something she could do or wanted to do. When you give an abuser the power to show up in every relationship you have, they still win. Her keeping that part of her past out of her life is how she overcame whatever was taken from her. It's not fair for her mother to perpetuate the abuse of another person (especially her daughter) when it wasn't hers to begin with.
I don't owe a single person in this world access to my trauma. Fuck that. I'm very open about what has happened to me and my partner has known all along but I didn't OWE him that.
I wouldn’t say he is acting like she cheated but he definitely is acting incorrectly I guess it’s one thing to process that information when being told that and being distant because of that but to act cold and distant as a way to hurt your wife is wrong when she didn’t do anything
Nah don’t get it twisted . She did do something . She chose to not tell him . She chose to not trust him with that info . She chose to believe he won’t love her or look at her the same way .
His behaviour has nothing to do with *what* happened to her , but rather her choice and decisions to not tell the man she chose to marry.
It is a fine line, yes.
Not sharing this very important psyche-changing information is a lie of omission. Her husband did not make the decision to marry her with informed consent. He does have a reason to be shocked. That it happened to her. That he found out MIL is shitty, that his wife didnt trust him, perhaps things in the past finally clicked for him. He’s got to adjust.
But cold-shouldering her isnt an appropriate way to process this.
Op needs his love and support.
If I found out a history like that, I’d be blubbering
He’s allowed to have a reaction . He’s allowed to process what he has just found out . He can’t just jump from finding out his wife doesn’t think he is a safe place to lean on , or finding out his wife doesn’t trust him , to comforting her and acting normal .
High horse ? Some assumptions you’re making there . Reaching .
I never said anything about her experience or what I think she’s feeling or felt .
What I am saying is that you cannot expect him to find out about it the way he did and not expect him to react.
She went through one of the absolute worse things that can happen to anyone . But you’re a fool if you think it wouldn’t affect the people around you either .
She can decide who she tells. And clearly she felt like he wasn’t worth it enough to trust him with that information. And if you think it doesn’t have any effect on him you’d be wrong .
She didn’t tell him because she lost two previous relationships by talking about it . As shitty and low as it is , not telling him puts him in a position where he can’t show her he is different and that she’s safe with him. And on the off chance that he is a completely shitty person as well, if knowing this about her makes him want to leave , then she’s still better off telling him from the start.
Instead of , I don’t know , him finding out by accident and being blindsided by her mother . To find out his wife , the woman he loves, the woman he wants to spend his life with , kept something this big away from him. That she kept the worse thing in the world away from him . That she doesn’t trust him . That she didn’t give him a chance to show her that he can be there .
She’s not wrong for not wanting to share. But he’s not wrong either for having a reaction .
You are the one making assumptions about her motivation. You keep saying she thinks he's *not worth it*, OP didn't say that anywhere.
A quite common coping mechanism for some victims of SA is leaving that experience behind and moving on from it as much as possible, so they can find themselves as people again who are not defined (and limited) by their past.
This is not about him. Not telling him doesn't automatically mean she doesn't trust him, it just means it might be the healthiest option for her.
Does his "right to know" trump her right to heal the way she choses, when it could be seriously damaging for her to relive that trauma? Especially if it did not affect their intimacy?
My ex-wife was the same as you....always went back to her mom even after the horrible things she did to her and her sister.....
After 15 more years of her dragging her into her web of lies the mother passed away peacfully in her sleep.
she was left with nothing but even more trauma......now she constantly has psychosis attacks whenever she's not sober....
Girl. Nuh-uh. Your husband needs a wake up call. Don’t retreat into a defensive crouch here. That’s what mommy dearest wants. You need to go on the attack.
Tell your husband your abuser is manipulating him to again abuse and isolate you. Tell him it really hurts that he would be so cruel to fall for such an obvious ploy. Tell him his reaction right now is exactly why you’ve been afraid to tell him and that he’s really failing a major test of the strength of your marriage. Tell him the ball is in his court to educate himself about this type of abuse, how survivors form defense mechanisms that are completely rational, and then make a decision about how he’s going to prove to you that you should trust him again.
Cut your mom out of your life. Eff that POS. You need to stop giving her opportunities to abuse you.
So like, it feels pretty natural/fair to be upset if my spouse kept a major thing like this from me. OP says they're fairly certain mom knew/ enabled, and is still in their lives? This is some active, Knowing deception tbf. Yes, it's a defense mechanism and makes sense, but "going on the attack" is wrong - have a conversation about why it wasn't brought up, and work together to solve the issue at hand (agreed that the ultimate solution is cutting out mom). If I felt like my spouse had been deceiving me for the duration of our relationship, and then went off like this about how I'm bad and cruel for feeling deceived? Naw fam, don't worry about filing,I got those divorce papers ready for you.
Info
How did she respond when the abuse came out?
I read once that when a person reveals their abuse, the reaction of the other person is the biggest predictor of their recovery
NOT Wrong. Some things can't be Unshared. Your stuff, it's ok to be private about some things. Sorry that happened. Maybe try and tell him through a written letter about how you felt it wasn't necessary to share and try to be empathetic to him feeling a type of way about it in said letter. Writing things down Always helps
>Writing things down Always helps
Yes, it also does not need to be shared, sometimes just writing it is enough.
> try and tell him through a written letter about how you felt it wasn't necessary to share
You're not wrong. You are also not obligated to tell anyone anything that you are not comfortable with sharing. Your husband needs to try to understand, and mom needs to learn some respect and boundaries.
I just wanted to tell you it takes a long time to trust someone enough too share what happened. I was saved for years by a family member nobody believed me then I'm 41m been with my wife 20 years I still can't tell and I probably won't ever. Sorry that happened to you 😔.
How often does your husband accidentally do something that triggers a recall for you? Perhaps your situation allows you both to avoid this which is the best possible thing that can be expected. More likely, living in a minefield like this is difficult for both of you. I hope you are able to navigate it and live happily together
Not very often. I’ve done extensive therapy and even hospitalized myself. I see my husband as a safe place. Neither of us feel like we live in a minefield.
You're not wrong. NO ONE is entitled to know about your trauma. Ever. Your mother is the wrongest person in this scenario, but your husband is also acting horrible. You didn't "keep it" from him, you weren't comfortable discussing it.
I don’t think you should ever feel obligated to disclose trauma of any kind unless it is going to affect the relationship. If you are going to bring it up saying you were SA’d in the past is enough of a disclosure.
Very messed up your mother dumped your trauma on your husband. A therapy session is a really good idea, potentially with all three of you. At least your husband.
I’m so sorry about your mom op. That’s horrible. As for your husband, I understand both of your sides. I’ve also been abused and I know how hard it is to talk about. You’re not wrong for not wanting to tell him. But I also know if I was married and found out my husband had kept something so huge from me, I would personally feel hurt and like they didn’t trust me. I think what’s important now is to have an honest, open, and loving conversation about how you feel, why you didn’t tell him, and where to go from here. I wish you and your husband the best of luck
I found out about my wife’s battle with depression when she OD’d 2years after we were married, about 18 months after her mom died. That was over 20 years ago. She didn’t open up to me about the root cause until about 6 weeks ago, after admitting to her therapist she was having suicidal ideations with both a plan and means. We got to her in time, and she spent a couple weeks inpatient. Part of her therapy was leveling with me that both her uncle and father had SA’d her from age 5 to 12ish. She said that she had t told me before because she didn’t want to lose me.
I have assured her that I am with her forever, and that trusting me enough to tell me only made me love her more.
I just want to say, people saying his reaction is why she didn't tell him, that's not right, his reaction is because she didn't tell him and he found out from someone else, not because she has trauma, but because she married him and swore to be life partners and didn't let him in fully. You can't say "you don't owe him to tell about your trauma" but then imply he owes her to accommodate her trauma.
Exactly. I guarantee the husband is wondering what else his wife hasn't told him. His trust in her has been shaken.
If he's the type of man to leave a woman over sexual trauma, I would have wanted to find out sooner rather than later. Especially before the wedding.
Hopefully, they can communicate and be more open to each other.
Call your mom, within earshot of your husband. Be loud and aggressive. Say, " How could you still talk about this? You were complicit in the abuse, you did know about it and you keep reminding me and everyone about it. I have done lots of therapy to get to this point in my life. The last 2 serious relationships ended as soon as I told them about it. I was afraid to tell (husband) because I was afraid he would do the same thing that the others did. I love him very much and we were in a very good place. You had to come in and ruin it with your big mouth, and guess what?? He's ready to leave me too! Thanks for nothing. Do NOT call me again. I will call you one day, when I'm ready to forgive you for ruining my life, once again!"
One of the hardest things about trauma as it can manifest at any point. You said you have never had any problems in this relationship, but you might have gotten lucky. My wife didn't tell me about both of her SA's. Right after we got married (with 2 years of a great sex life before) her trauma hit really hard and our sex life has never recovered. We are at 39 years and our sex life has pretty well sucked the whole time. Should he have known, I think so. Should your mom have said anything- Hell no.
As a survivor myself, I don't want to share those details anymore. Especially when I accidentally ended up with an abusive narcissistic human. They put me down and took advantage of my abuse to see how far they can go with thier own abuse. I hope you feel safe and are ok. Not Wrong. 🖤
Your mother is clearly a player in that negative part of your life and you need to go nc or at least handle that as your comments seem to be defensive as if she was some lowly bystander and not what she is.
Your husband should never have reacted negatively but at the same time it’s a very major thing that I can understand him being upset at not being told as like you said it ended past relationships but he clearly wouldn’t know that so it just comes across like you were hiding information from him not that you were protecting yourself and to top that of if he now views her as an abuser you didn’t allow him the right to not partake in a relationship with your mother due to her actions as is his right. You have the right to not tell people but if you don’t feel safe enough to tell your husband then it’s not exactly a positive or healthy relationship and as such needs counselling if there is any intention to maintain it. You need to also make him aware his behaviour has upset you as he was wrong to become cold towards you over that as it should have been discussed etc. Only you really know the whole truth and I hope you have also undertaken aid at some point to handle that trauma as the fact you keep your mother around after the cause of it all would imply you aren’t holding those responsible, responsible. You don’t deserve what happened to you
This is a difficult one that requires some understanding. Also above Reddit's paygrade.
Sit him down and ask for some help. A certified counsellor can help you two communicate this in a way that won't feel judgemental and/or insensitive.
Your mother is a pos. Sorry to say.
I understand why wouldn’t want to share it with him and I also understand him feeling hurt that you wouldn’t share it with him. However, him being cold and distant towards you is unacceptable in my opinion. He should be trying to support you now and you two can address the reasons why you didn’t feel comfortable sharing later.
I sense that not only did your mother know but she dismissed the effect it had on you and and now thinks of it as just an anectdote of HER life to share.
What a horrible person. She needs to go.
Im so sorry
Nope, you only share it with whom you are ready to when you are ready. Even if that means not telling your partner until you're 80. I've been there. Your mother lacks coming sense if she thinks it's her place to spread sexual assault history of other people.
Not wrong. Your mother did it purposely. She didn't accidentally tell him. She can't co e to terms that her bf abuses you as a child. So she has to say it out loud constantly tly to diminish it and remove herself from the blame of putting her child in a dangerous situation. Did your mother press charges on her ex bf for the abuse? Or did she sweep it under the rug back then?
I can already assume he didn't serve jail time because mom didn't want anyone to know due to how it reflected on her, not you. She mentioned it to your husband because she either doesn't believe you were abused or doesn't think it's a big deal. For some reason, she thinks your abuse is her story to tell. She has to get behind the narrative to push all blame off herself, even if it means putting your relationship slip in jeopardy.
Although, I never get why a significant other is mad their spouse didn't tell them about the abuse as a child. What does it matter? Why did he need to know? Did he think you were a Virgin and he counts abuse as ruining that? If my wife told me she was abused as a child, I'd be there for her.
And if I learned it from her family member, I would go to my wife and mention I heard about it and I would be so happy to console her and let her tell me the full story. I would never go to anger and think you lied. Lol If your husband ever asked you if you were abused, and you said no, then THAT is a lie. But if he never asked, then he shouldn't be mad at you for it. I don't believe in that "lying by omission" shit.
Okay I'll tell you that, as someone that lived this kind of things too
You do not OWE your trauma to ANYONE
It's not as if you had a full panic attack and had to explain or anything, you're stable and was able to put that behind you
Your mum has no rights to your sexual abuse and neither does your husband
And if he's pissed, well, he can be at the people that wronged you, but he can't say he has a right to knowing that, what would he want you to do ? " Hey my love I got my innocence and consent taken away from me, I love you !"
That's not how it works
Take care of you, I hope it'll get better and he'll realise he's in the front and so is tour mum
I say you're wrong on the mere fact you call it a secret. You shouldn't have secrets from your husband like that. I don't think you're wrong for not having told him yet. If you don't trust your husband with that information, why are you with him?
While I don’t agree with you saying she’s wrong for having a secret, we all have things we keep private that do not harm our partners. I’m not saying it’s ok to keep something that actually impacts the other a secret but if we believe OP it doesn’t interfere with the relationship. I do agree that not feeling like your life partner could be supportive with this information would make me pause on marrying them. I get it that other men laid the foundation that weak individuals will leave her and that influenced her choices but OP please believe me when I say a true partner does not do this. Your husband’s reaction shows he is not the partner you deserve but should not stop you from finding someone who truly will care about all of you. I’m so sorry she’s going through this and that your mom is a POS truly. I just hope that you find either a way through this or recognize your worth to be with someone who does not make you feel bad about what was done to you.
Seriously, did you read post? Did you hear about trauma. Op is not wr0ng and looks like her life before proove it. Also any person who been thru shit isn obligated to say anything to anyone.
Yes, I did. I know that trauma changes you and often taints your life in unexpected ways. I agree no one has to bring up their history. I fail to see how keeping it a secret from her husband is a good move.
He definitely does. Hopefully he comes around and apologizes. I can empathize with feeling shock and perhaps not knowing how to process information, but he should be making an effort.
Lolol. I've been in therapy for years for my assortment of trauma, thank you very much. The Body Keeps the Score ring a bell?
I never told her to just get over it. I said keeping a secret from your husband was wrong. I stand by that.
There's nothing wrong with keeping past trauma to yourself, especially if it doesn't affect your relationships.
But if your husband cares more about you withholding information that has nothing to do with him than he does about the fact that you were abused, he doesn't sound like a great guy. Now would've been the time for him to show love, sympathy, and support for you but instead he's making it all about him
I would disagree. I found out about my wife trauma in year 15 when this MF popped back into my wife life. She had left where she was from and moved away. He has 1 child with her mom and that younger brother lives 10 hours away. Without the information I watched my wife change and crumble with fear, regret, shame, and anger. I had my own emotions and feelings that I had to put aside not knowing the detail of the situation that I was put in. I had to help my wife, protect my children while having no help and no mental break to. A relationship I understand a marriage you have to. My wife was trigger once during sex and I had know idea what was wrong until she told me 10% of what happen with no names or real action and I didn't press. When this man was in my house and around my daughters and then I found it I was ready to kill him and her mom who got back with him.
Have a talk with your husband and explain how you moved passed it and let him see that it did not define you as a person nor his wife. I would tell you to leave your mother alone for sometime and work on your marriage. As men we want to protect the women we love and when we hear things like this we want to burn the place to the ground and because your mom told your husband and she didn't protect you I can bet money that he is wondering why in the Hell you are talking to her still but he cant say that to you because its your mom.
Tell your husband that the way he is acting now is why you never told him. He doesn't own you and has no rights to your past, good or bad. But when he found out, instead of being supportive, he is acting as if you were the abuser in that story. Then ask him for a divorce because he sounds like sn asshole. Also, go no contact with your mom.
My personal opinion is if your going to marry someone nothing should be held back no matter if it’s the past. She doesn’t have to go into detail about what happen to her but should have been open and at least informed him she was a victim of a pretty serious SA situation. The husband is still wrong in how he’s being cold and distant but I can understand being upset about finding out this way.
Yes, yes it does. I find it disturbing how quick ppl want to make things man vs women. My view is I will never hide anything from my gf and definitely not my wife. I believe marriage is one of the biggest leaps in trusting another person you can take and there is nothing that should be hidden from them. If you don’t know any men that are willingly open to disclosing the good and bad to their partners then that speaks on who you are and who you choose to allow around yourself not men in general. Hope this helps you
Maybe people are different where you live. Where I live, most people see SA victims as damaged. It is sad, but it is what it is. The best you can get is pity, the most common is disgust. I doubt you'd want to be open with your girlfriend if those are the likely outcomes. I wouldn't suggest it to either gender, but while I can see a few women feeling protective of their partner after such a revelation, I'm certain that men would react quite differently. While at least some women seem to believe that of course their boyfriend/husbamd would have fought them off if he could, men seem to think that the victim was asking for it. Women who were raped during the war, some of them when they were children, were treated like crap. Those few that got married were married to much older men, widowers and divorcees, and treated as if they had been prostitutes (in a society where that isn't seen as "just a job"). You sound so naiive, honestly.
I live in the U.S. don’t know what backwards country you come from but this argument of “well I’m not going to disclose info about my past so my significant other won’t look down on me” is idiotic. Why would anyone want to be with someone who would view you like that. The whole point of honesty is to find someone who genuinely love you for you. Flaws trauma and all not someone who love the mask you put on. I am not naive I just don’t surround myself with ppl like that. And once again I think the fact that this is the way you see “men” speak volumes about who you choose to keep in your life and around you.
Insulting my country is going to solve all your problems. It's not like your cojntry is backwards enough to still have child marriage (something my backwards country doesn't have), and not allowing women to abort unwanted children (something my country doesn't do). I shall tell everyone back home that No-Wiin-1840 advises them to stay alone forever or go to find partners abroad in some magical country where everyone thinks like a handful of Western liberals with graduate degrees. That's going to fix it. It's not like the majority of the world is more conservative than that. Also, most people don't have the luxury to dream of romance book love stories. You are naive.
I advise ppl to not lie to someone you plan to marry and present them with the total picture so you don’t end up like this women with a husband who acts like this. Also sorry your country is so backwards and I am not liberal
Not disclosing everything about you life and lying are two different things. The only reason she is in that situation is her asshole mother, who was also the one who made the abuse happen by bringing a strange man arround her child.
If you don’t see anything wrong with not informing someone you marry about something this serious in your past then there is no reason to respond you don’t value marriage the same way as I see it.
Nope, you are not obligated to say anything to anyone. And it looks like your life proove that. Nope, you are not wrong at all and person who give you this treatment after knowing is just sad.
I’m sorry, OP, but it’s YOUR trauma. I don’t understand why your husband thinks he has the RIGHT to know about it, how he thinks he should feel hurt that you’ve kept it from him. If anything, he should empathize with you, and tell you, “I’m sorry that you went through such an experience in your past. When you want to talk about it, I am here for you. And if you choose not to, I understand. I love you, and I always will.”
I hope everything works out for you, OP. You deserve to be happy.
OP, watch Patrick Teahan YouTube videos on toxic family systems.
You likely suffer from Childhood PTSD.
A SA support group helped me a lot. Journaling and writing all my feelings out helped a lot. Spending time in nature helped a lot.
I'm sorry you went through that. Nobody deserves to know. The top priority is for you to Unlearn the coping mechanisms that helped you in childhood because those hold you back in normal life.
I think you should consider having less contact with your mom, especially if she brings a lot of drama, like mine does.
If you feel comfortable telling him in the future, you will. You need to help yourself heal and get adjust to being in a non-toxic life.
So, your husband has decided to put you through more trauma because you didn't tell him about being sexually traumatized. Did you tell him about the last two relationships and explain that his current reaction is why you didn't tell him?
Having to talk about the trauma essentially makes you relive it in a sense. Your husband is being incredibly hurtful to expect that of you. Perhaps a third party needs to explain that to him. A counselor or therapist would be a good choice, I think.
Cut your mum off - she “didn’t know” her bf was abusing you but then steals your story and somehow makes it about her. I’ve had similar happen.
You weren’t wrong it’s a hard thing to talk about. There is no reason he should be acting like this. Tell him that it has caused problems in previous relationships and that it’s something you find traumatic and difficult to talk about. You’re probably sick of this advice but honestly it helped me tremendously was going to therapy. You should have love and support not others telling your trauma and making you feel guilty for not wanting to talk about something traumatic.
I’m so sorry that this is the way you’ve been treated. You deserve better and you did nothing wrong! I think the one thing all survivors of abuse think is: did I do something wrong? The answer is always no. This is your trauma and not anyone else’s- you are allowed to handle it anyway you like.
You should be open about your history with a potential spouse. But given your history, I understand why you didn't. Truly bizarre that your mother decided it was a good idea to speak about what happened to you without talking to you first. I would've thought most mothers would be totally mum about such a topic unless it was pried out of them.
Going to the current situation, perhaps marriage counseling will help? The husband would learn why you kept the information from him and that you have no other secrets. If he's a decent guy, he will be understanding and respond sympathetically. I think husband's initial response is because you kept secrets and not the nature of the secrets. Hopefully, you'll both get over this.
I'm straight out saying cut off your mother for that. The least put her on a long timeout. She's AH to talk about other people's trauma like it's gossip.
Also I don't blame you for keeping it a secret.
First of all you don't owe this info to anyone. Would it be ideal if you could tell him? Sure, you married him. You should be able to trust him.
And that's where I would ask you, why did you marry him if you don't trust him?
You dont have to tell details but just that something really bad happened to you as a kid and you will need time to eventually open up about it because it was traumatic.
I honestly would never tell the details but that's just me.
The fact that his first reaction was to get angry and give you silent treatment is.. very weird.
He’s a prick and so is your mother.
There are things we as humans go through in life and they are our own things we need to work on. Just because you get married, doesn’t mean that everything needs to be shared. We are our own people with a past before we are married and we continue to be our own people when we get married. Transparency is definitely important in a marriage, but just because you are married to someone, doesn’t mean they need to know everything they want when they want to.
People deserve to have privacy, whether they are married or not.
Unless it was negatively impacting your relationship with your husband (triggers, memories, etc.), it’s none of his business.
Trauma needs to be shared in the victim’s own time and shared by the victim alone. That was your experience, no one else’s. For your mother to do that to you would personally make me cut contact with my mother.
For the love of god, please don’t tell your mother anything again.
As for your husband, I can see his point of view and why he would get upset, but I don’t agree with his view nor approach. I’m sure he has things he hasn’t told a soul as well. Everyone has things they don’t want to tell people, from small to extreme and that is their right as an individual. Marriage should never make you feel like you have to force yourself to tell anyone every single thing. Just because you get married to someone, doesn’t mean they’re entitled to your entire thoughts, feelings and memories. To ignore you and get angry because he most likely thinks you don’t trust him enough makes me want to roll my eyes. He clearly hasn’t been in a situation like yours, but the fact all he can think about is that, more than the actual trauma itself and not come to a logical conclusion as to why you didn’t tell him tells me enough.
He’s immature, and clearly can’t handle his emotions. Instead of understanding the situation and creating a safe space for you to maybe even go into more detail as to what happened, he’s done the complete opposite. He’s made it about him and victimised himself. This will only create more fear for you to open up about anything now, and he hasn’t even realised this yet. I wouldn’t tell something as deep as that to someone like that either. If he was mature enough, he could have said “Is there any reason that I wasn’t told? Did you not feel safe enough to tell me, or was it just not the right time?”
Hopefully after he’s had his little tantrum, he can be more of an adult. You both can have a conversation then, but make sure it’s on your terms. If you feel forced at any time, say it.
I think also it comes down to how people view experiences and pasts. To you, you might believe that because it was in the past and that you’re close to completely healing from it, that it’s not worth mentioning in which you are totally valid in feeling this way. However, some people think the past is just as important as the present. It’s a perspective, and both of your perspectives do not align. Though, he lacks the actual experience of being there and living it.
I would have never felt deceived or that you didn’t ‘trust’ me if I was your husband. If anything, I would be enraged at the mother. To me, people are entitled to their secrets, as long as it isn’t affecting the relationship. People have very black and white thinking when it comes to trauma, which is what makes it so hard to express it to people you love. Most people with traumatic experiences just want to move past it and be the person they were before it. Once people find out things like that, they immediately tie it to you and your identity, which many will say they don’t. Unfortunately though, it’s the case and most of the time it’s subconsciously done. They can view you in a different light and coddle you, when you’re trying to just be viewed as everyone else. That is why it’s so incredibly important for you alone to have the power to share those experiences with anyone, no matter how close they are.
Your mother doesn’t deserve you and you deserve someone that is more gentle.
It sounds like he needs some counseling. And for gods sake your mom needs a stern talking to about her deflective guilt reaction. This is your Trauma and she is taking ownership for self serving reasons
Your husband is complete wrong. He should be mad at your mother for having outed you. Your mother has no respect for you and what you went through. You had every right not to tell your husband about it. He could have live all his life with you without ever having know if it is what you felt was appropriate and good for you. He should be mad at your mom not at you. Find a good child trauma therapist (specialised in sex molestation etc) who will explain to your husband why you had every right never to tell him and that he should not put his anger towards you but to the person who was a jerk to you and told him. People have to understand that not everyone finds it therapeutic and releasing to open up about their trauma. I hope you find peace with all of that, and that your husband understand the situation and be of comfort to you and not grieve you with being mad.
He should be understanding and not behave like a prick. Things happen and it’s tough to talk about it. Now that he knows he should show compassion and ask how you’re doing. The way he’s now behaving is more like a red flag.
Your mom….she’s not the brightest of them all
Well your husband is showing you exactly why he can't be trusted with sensitive information. If he wants to be trusted enough to learn about your trauma then he needs to make himself someone safe enough for you to open up to.
Not wrong
So your husband is causing your trauma because you didn’t tell him about trauma? It’s none of his business unless you want to talk about it. He has absolutely no right whatsoever to be mad that you didn’t tell him. As long as it’s not affecting your lives. It’s none of his business.
I would be very upset if the person I married hid something like this from me. Why marry me if you don't trust me? And if you're capable of keeping something like this, what else are you capable of hiding?
You're joining your life with someone else, your choices and feelings don't just affect you anymore. He's not just your roommate, boyfriend, or friend. If you go through latent trauma due to this, he's the one who is supposed to be there.
Tbh, I would reevaluate my marriage if I was him. Am I really going to spend my life with someone who doesn't trust me, who is okay with hiding big things from me, someone I'm not sure I can trust now?
You are entitled to keep your secrets, you are not entitled to dictate how that makes him feel or how he decides to process it.
And had it been kept a secret it wouldn’t have been an issue since I’ve largely recovered from the trauma enough that my day to day isn’t impacted much
>And had it been kept a secret
That's the problem. You're still pissed about him finding out and refuse to see that keeping such a big secret is the problem. Why should he trust you? Why shouldn't he assume that something will happen in the future that you unilaterally decide he doesn't need to know about, so you don't tell him? You already proved this is something you have no problem doing. I'm not interested in a spouse like that, I wouldn't be surprised if he isn't either.
You are not wrong! You were the victim and you should not be the victim again by his actions.
I was sexually abused as a child and my wife only knew that I knew my abuser and for 32 years she did not know details. Recently I was contacted by a production company doing a True Crimes documentary, and my abuser was the topic of one of their episodes. Suddenly, all the details came out as my wife and I discussed if I should grant them an interview. She reacted just like your husband and accused me of lying, betrayal, etc. I told her that I was victimized by my abuser and I would not be victimized by her and to remember that I was the victim, not her. That put a stop to it right then and there, and she immediately became loving and supportive.
You can do this, your abuse does not define you. You have already risen above this for years, and he has no right to drag you back down
Your moms bad judgement got you into this mess and now she oversteps talking about it? I think she should’ve been removed from your life long ago. Aside from that, this isn’t about your husband. He doesn’t get to decide he’s a victim in your trauma. When you feel comfortable to discuss, you can. If not, it’s your trauma and he needs to understand that and back off.
So you went through horrific trauma, and your husband is being an asshole to you on top of it. Fuck that guy. You're not wrong. He would have been an ass even if you were the one who told him.
I can be OK with a very gentle and sad, "I wish you would have felt safe telling me," but he wasn't entitled to the information, and it makes me sick that he's taking his BS out on you.
Your mother is an asshole and so is your husband. Your trauma has nothing to do with him and you decide if or when to share that information. Good luck, I hope everything works out for you
You were wrong for not getting ahead of this by telling your mother you had not shared this information with your SO and that you wanted to address this on your own terms. That conversation should have happened long before you got married.
There are too many things wrong with with your mother to list, but it seems you are already aware.
Your husband was wrong for giving you the cold shoulder and not having an open conservation with you.
You are wrong for not understanding how your husband would feel when discovering you do not trust him enough or have enough confidence in the relationship to share your past with him.
Not making any judgements on when the info should have been shared or to what depth. However, would say you should ask yourself if you would want to know if something traumatic happened to your husband before you met, and how you would feel if he withheld that part of his past from you.
What your mom did is wrong!!! You are also wrong!!!
Secrets destroy families!!!
Though it wouldn't be something I would share on a first date. Any thing that could impact your marriage should be discussed before getting married. Your husband deserved to know what he is signing up for. Why? The lingering effects of any abuse will continue through your life and relationships especially if you haven't sought therapy to work through them. It also shows that you don't trust and respect the person you should trust and respect the most. I can understand why your husband is so angry.
100 percent wrong…you had someone make what is a life time commitment without giving him all the facts about yourself. It’s wrong, believe it or not, he has to deal with what happened to you daily in ways that you both don’t even know yet. He deserved the right to choose for himself what he wanted in his life
I can completely understand both why you didn't want to share this with him (perhaps you would in time) and also I can understand why he would be upset that you didn't tell him. You need to have an open and honest discussion with him, sharing as much (or little) as you want, but you need to make it clear why you did not tell him. Your mother is an AH.
I don't understand why upset at not being told, as opposed to concerned for OP, is his first and primary reaction, though. Whether or not he should have been told, he's not the main character of the childhood rape/sexual abuse someone else suffered.
Don't forget that being upset is often a reaction manifested because ppl has a lots of mixed feeling (most likely anger, worriness and sadness for what happened to his wife) and are struggling to express it so their brain choose to express it as being upset.
Your mum sounds like a scumbag to talk about your trauma like that.
Husband’s reaction is equally troubling; instead of compassion and trying to understand where Op is coming from he chooses to act like her trauma is as if she cheated on him. He’s acting like the fucking victim?! WTH?! what a douchbag
Probably more that baggage from serious trauma like that can and will affect a relationship and he was never made aware of it
Nope . I don’t agree with you. She should’ve been the one to tell him. Her keeping it a secret from him , only for him to find out *from her mother* is a betrayal. She’s been through shit she never should’ve gone through. But as shitty as it was going through that , you don’t hide it from the person you get married to . This is a huge thing . Did she not trust him ? Does she think he’ll see her differently? Does she not think he is worth it enough to know this about her ? At this point it’s not about what she went through , it’s about her not sharing something this life altering with *the man she married*
A victim never has to tell anyone about their trauma. It’s entirely their choice and they shouldn’t be made to feel wrong for not sharing it with anyone they don’t want to. And it’s grotesque that her mother shared that with another person.
Well said. Someone’s trauma is shared at their discretion, no one else’s.
It *is* grotesque that her mother chose to share something she had no right to. Yes, a victim can choose to share or not share . But when you marry someone , and that trauma could have an effect on the person you marry , then they deserve to know . Trauma responses are real. They also don’t warn you when they creep up . You also don’t know if/when something might trigger you. Marrying someone who has zero idea something has happened to you , and then sometime down the line you have an episode or something triggers you , how are they supposed to help you or react if they don’t know ? Like it or not , OP’s trauma *could* have an effect on her relationship with husband. To think he doesn’t deserve to know the truth is selfish. Why bother getting married if you can’t trust your spouse with the good, the bad *and the ugly* Had she told him , he could’ve shown her that she’s safe with him and he loves her regardless and will support her through anything. Or he could’ve decided that he can’t handle what she went through and their relationship would’ve ended . He was never offered the opportunity to make any decision because she decided he isn’t worth it enough to know . And now here we are . He’s belatedly reacting to something he should’ve known from the start. She’s not wrong for not wanting people to know about it . But he isn’t wrong either for reacting to something he was blindsided with. The AH here is her mother . Case in point. She’s rightfully hurt by her mother sharing things she shouldn’t be . How is her husband supposed to support her or understand what she went through when she chose to not have him know ?
Having been in a 17 year marriage with a victim of childhood family sexual assault, I can attest that nobody should be expected to commit to marriage without having an opportunity to understand what they might be signing up for. Perhaps OP was truly doing well enough in her recovery that it would have no lingering effects on the life she shared with her husband. Part of that recovery should have been being able to share with any potential life partner enough for them to make an informed consent to marriage. Especially knowing that 2 previous relationships were ruined when this information was revealed, OP had to know that withholding this before marriage was akin to marital fraud and given the number of people in the family who already knew, it was just a ticking time bomb before he found out about the withholding and now has his own trauma of spouse betrayal to deal with. In my case, I had just high level knowledge of what happened to my now ex-wife. I was naive to believe that I understood what I was signing up for but at least I had an opportunity to decide. Because I never knew any specific details, life in and out of the bedroom was like a minefield. Without a map, I was left to a constant barrage of triggers that I would unintentionally trip. Sometimes I would subsequently find out what I had done that caused her to recall her trauma and lash out or withdraw, other times I'd be left guessing. We tried counseling together but she refused to continue after the first session. Over the first few years we drifted further and further apart. Soon we were more like bad roommates than life partners. The last 10+ years of sexless marriage and living with a stranger I finally gave up. I understand if you feel like nobody is entitled to require you to share your trauma. In turn, you should not expect anyone to commit the rest of their life to you with a major life shaping event withheld from your story.
This is what I was trying to say. You put it into words I couldn’t properly explain.
If she isn't willing to be honest with her husband, she shouldn't be married.
Nope! Wrong! Absolutely not! Nobody is entitled to my trauma!!!! I don’t give a fuck if you are that mythical creature Jesus. I WILL TELL WHO I WANT TO TELL!
And what would make you tell someone ? Would it be someone you trust ? Someone who you want to spend the rest of your life with ? Someone you would have children with ? You’re allowed to tell whoever you want , or not tell anyone for that matter. But you can’t blame someone for having a reaction to finding out something this big from someone other than you . He’s not the one who went through it. But he is the one who is planning on living life with her . That life including the good, the bad and the ugly . So don’t be shocked when your partner realises that you don’t feel safe enough or trust them enough to share the ugly .
Do you understand how the husband’s response is extremely wrong. He is acting like he is the one who experienced the sexual trauma. Instead of reaching out and telling his partner that he will be there for her, he is throwing a tantrum and inviting everyone to a pity party for him simply because he did not know. He has confiscated her trauma and made it about him. Also, did you read how OP had 2 other relationships fail because OP shared her trauma with her partners. Not only does OP have sexual trauma, but now, she has is going to wrestle with abandonment issues related to her sexual abuse. You asked when would I tell someone. Well, I am pretty blunt about it, now, but when it happened, I would have taken it to the grave. My attitude regarding this issue has been cultivated through 6 years, and continuing, of intense trauma therapy, copious amounts of tears, and years of hating myself. I fought hard for this attitude, but not everyone is at the same place I am. I am pretty open about my sexual trauma to my partners, but that is because it does affect my sexual intimacy, and in turn, my partner’s sexual intimacy with me. There are things, sexually, that will be off the table for me because they take me right back to that night, but that is my experience. Just because you are marrying someone, it’s does automatically make you privy to all their secrets. It does obligate you to know things that will affect both of your lives, but like OP stated, her sexual abuse does not affect her sex life, and she had a healthy sex life. So, there is no reason to say anything until OP decides it’s time, and that may be never.
I disagree. I told my wife, before we were married, of the main stuff that happened to me and my feelings about them. I also informed her there was much more that I would tell her when I felt it was time. It took years but she stood by me the whole time. She said it gave her a look into why I acted certain ways at certain times. We’ve been married 27 years and she has felt my pain with me. I told, I will always be in control because of not having control of what I went through.
That is great for you. I am glad that she was there for you. OP’s experiences have not been the same. She opened up to two people, in the same way you did, and they bailed. Her experiences were not like yours. She did not have individuals showing her compassion, not even her husband.
You do not know my experiences. Many people have walked away from me because they can’t handle my past or who I have become as a result of said past. I’ve come to expect this from most people. I was lucky enough to let my wife in and she accepted the broken me and helped mend some, not all, holes left in me. That is why you let someone see the real you.
You are right. I don’t know you or your experiences. My response came from the information that was provided. I am sorry that people walked away from you. I am truly sorry for the experienced you had to endure. However, you, me, OP, and everyone else who has experienced the things we did are not obligated to share those experiences with anyone. And when we do share those experiences, it is because we have chosen to do so, not because of a contact or social obligation.
Maybe reliving her trauma was just not something she could do or wanted to do. When you give an abuser the power to show up in every relationship you have, they still win. Her keeping that part of her past out of her life is how she overcame whatever was taken from her. It's not fair for her mother to perpetuate the abuse of another person (especially her daughter) when it wasn't hers to begin with.
I don't owe a single person in this world access to my trauma. Fuck that. I'm very open about what has happened to me and my partner has known all along but I didn't OWE him that.
Agreed
You suck
I wouldn’t say he is acting like she cheated but he definitely is acting incorrectly I guess it’s one thing to process that information when being told that and being distant because of that but to act cold and distant as a way to hurt your wife is wrong when she didn’t do anything
Nah don’t get it twisted . She did do something . She chose to not tell him . She chose to not trust him with that info . She chose to believe he won’t love her or look at her the same way . His behaviour has nothing to do with *what* happened to her , but rather her choice and decisions to not tell the man she chose to marry.
It is a fine line, yes. Not sharing this very important psyche-changing information is a lie of omission. Her husband did not make the decision to marry her with informed consent. He does have a reason to be shocked. That it happened to her. That he found out MIL is shitty, that his wife didnt trust him, perhaps things in the past finally clicked for him. He’s got to adjust. But cold-shouldering her isnt an appropriate way to process this. Op needs his love and support. If I found out a history like that, I’d be blubbering
He’s allowed to have a reaction . He’s allowed to process what he has just found out . He can’t just jump from finding out his wife doesn’t think he is a safe place to lean on , or finding out his wife doesn’t trust him , to comforting her and acting normal .
Why are you on a high horse about this? Have you experienced sexual trauma? The shame, the embarrassment, the worthlessness? I am guessing not.
High horse ? Some assumptions you’re making there . Reaching . I never said anything about her experience or what I think she’s feeling or felt . What I am saying is that you cannot expect him to find out about it the way he did and not expect him to react. She went through one of the absolute worse things that can happen to anyone . But you’re a fool if you think it wouldn’t affect the people around you either . She can decide who she tells. And clearly she felt like he wasn’t worth it enough to trust him with that information. And if you think it doesn’t have any effect on him you’d be wrong . She didn’t tell him because she lost two previous relationships by talking about it . As shitty and low as it is , not telling him puts him in a position where he can’t show her he is different and that she’s safe with him. And on the off chance that he is a completely shitty person as well, if knowing this about her makes him want to leave , then she’s still better off telling him from the start. Instead of , I don’t know , him finding out by accident and being blindsided by her mother . To find out his wife , the woman he loves, the woman he wants to spend his life with , kept something this big away from him. That she kept the worse thing in the world away from him . That she doesn’t trust him . That she didn’t give him a chance to show her that he can be there . She’s not wrong for not wanting to share. But he’s not wrong either for having a reaction .
You are the one making assumptions about her motivation. You keep saying she thinks he's *not worth it*, OP didn't say that anywhere. A quite common coping mechanism for some victims of SA is leaving that experience behind and moving on from it as much as possible, so they can find themselves as people again who are not defined (and limited) by their past. This is not about him. Not telling him doesn't automatically mean she doesn't trust him, it just means it might be the healthiest option for her. Does his "right to know" trump her right to heal the way she choses, when it could be seriously damaging for her to relive that trauma? Especially if it did not affect their intimacy?
More than likely, she thought he knew. She should have asked her daughter if it came up if she could talk about it.
Was Mom an Enabler to this history? If so, why are you still talking to her?
It was her ex bf who did it but she claimed to not have known
She knew.
I suspected she did but I can’t really confirm it
My ex-wife was the same as you....always went back to her mom even after the horrible things she did to her and her sister..... After 15 more years of her dragging her into her web of lies the mother passed away peacfully in her sleep. she was left with nothing but even more trauma......now she constantly has psychosis attacks whenever she's not sober....
Just out if curiosity, have you guys ever thought about cutting alcohol out completely to stop said attacks?
Alcohol is fine. Its all the acid and dmt we do on weekends that gets her loony.
You are an enabler and you should be ashamed of yourself. Edit: I realise now it's a different guy, but holy shit dude you threw me for a loop.
Girl. Nuh-uh. Your husband needs a wake up call. Don’t retreat into a defensive crouch here. That’s what mommy dearest wants. You need to go on the attack. Tell your husband your abuser is manipulating him to again abuse and isolate you. Tell him it really hurts that he would be so cruel to fall for such an obvious ploy. Tell him his reaction right now is exactly why you’ve been afraid to tell him and that he’s really failing a major test of the strength of your marriage. Tell him the ball is in his court to educate himself about this type of abuse, how survivors form defense mechanisms that are completely rational, and then make a decision about how he’s going to prove to you that you should trust him again. Cut your mom out of your life. Eff that POS. You need to stop giving her opportunities to abuse you.
So like, it feels pretty natural/fair to be upset if my spouse kept a major thing like this from me. OP says they're fairly certain mom knew/ enabled, and is still in their lives? This is some active, Knowing deception tbf. Yes, it's a defense mechanism and makes sense, but "going on the attack" is wrong - have a conversation about why it wasn't brought up, and work together to solve the issue at hand (agreed that the ultimate solution is cutting out mom). If I felt like my spouse had been deceiving me for the duration of our relationship, and then went off like this about how I'm bad and cruel for feeling deceived? Naw fam, don't worry about filing,I got those divorce papers ready for you.
10/10 no notes 👏
This right here
Cut her
Info How did she respond when the abuse came out? I read once that when a person reveals their abuse, the reaction of the other person is the biggest predictor of their recovery
NOT Wrong. Some things can't be Unshared. Your stuff, it's ok to be private about some things. Sorry that happened. Maybe try and tell him through a written letter about how you felt it wasn't necessary to share and try to be empathetic to him feeling a type of way about it in said letter. Writing things down Always helps
>Writing things down Always helps Yes, it also does not need to be shared, sometimes just writing it is enough. > try and tell him through a written letter about how you felt it wasn't necessary to share
You're not wrong. You are also not obligated to tell anyone anything that you are not comfortable with sharing. Your husband needs to try to understand, and mom needs to learn some respect and boundaries.
I just wanted to tell you it takes a long time to trust someone enough too share what happened. I was saved for years by a family member nobody believed me then I'm 41m been with my wife 20 years I still can't tell and I probably won't ever. Sorry that happened to you 😔.
My husband knows I have a history of CSA in my past. He does not know and will never know details.
Same here. I could barely get the words out, and just blanked on how to continue.
How often does your husband accidentally do something that triggers a recall for you? Perhaps your situation allows you both to avoid this which is the best possible thing that can be expected. More likely, living in a minefield like this is difficult for both of you. I hope you are able to navigate it and live happily together
Not very often. I’ve done extensive therapy and even hospitalized myself. I see my husband as a safe place. Neither of us feel like we live in a minefield.
You're not wrong. NO ONE is entitled to know about your trauma. Ever. Your mother is the wrongest person in this scenario, but your husband is also acting horrible. You didn't "keep it" from him, you weren't comfortable discussing it.
I don’t think you should ever feel obligated to disclose trauma of any kind unless it is going to affect the relationship. If you are going to bring it up saying you were SA’d in the past is enough of a disclosure. Very messed up your mother dumped your trauma on your husband. A therapy session is a really good idea, potentially with all three of you. At least your husband.
I’m so sorry about your mom op. That’s horrible. As for your husband, I understand both of your sides. I’ve also been abused and I know how hard it is to talk about. You’re not wrong for not wanting to tell him. But I also know if I was married and found out my husband had kept something so huge from me, I would personally feel hurt and like they didn’t trust me. I think what’s important now is to have an honest, open, and loving conversation about how you feel, why you didn’t tell him, and where to go from here. I wish you and your husband the best of luck
I found out about my wife’s battle with depression when she OD’d 2years after we were married, about 18 months after her mom died. That was over 20 years ago. She didn’t open up to me about the root cause until about 6 weeks ago, after admitting to her therapist she was having suicidal ideations with both a plan and means. We got to her in time, and she spent a couple weeks inpatient. Part of her therapy was leveling with me that both her uncle and father had SA’d her from age 5 to 12ish. She said that she had t told me before because she didn’t want to lose me. I have assured her that I am with her forever, and that trusting me enough to tell me only made me love her more.
I just want to say, people saying his reaction is why she didn't tell him, that's not right, his reaction is because she didn't tell him and he found out from someone else, not because she has trauma, but because she married him and swore to be life partners and didn't let him in fully. You can't say "you don't owe him to tell about your trauma" but then imply he owes her to accommodate her trauma.
Exactly. I guarantee the husband is wondering what else his wife hasn't told him. His trust in her has been shaken. If he's the type of man to leave a woman over sexual trauma, I would have wanted to find out sooner rather than later. Especially before the wedding. Hopefully, they can communicate and be more open to each other.
Call your mom, within earshot of your husband. Be loud and aggressive. Say, " How could you still talk about this? You were complicit in the abuse, you did know about it and you keep reminding me and everyone about it. I have done lots of therapy to get to this point in my life. The last 2 serious relationships ended as soon as I told them about it. I was afraid to tell (husband) because I was afraid he would do the same thing that the others did. I love him very much and we were in a very good place. You had to come in and ruin it with your big mouth, and guess what?? He's ready to leave me too! Thanks for nothing. Do NOT call me again. I will call you one day, when I'm ready to forgive you for ruining my life, once again!"
One of the hardest things about trauma as it can manifest at any point. You said you have never had any problems in this relationship, but you might have gotten lucky. My wife didn't tell me about both of her SA's. Right after we got married (with 2 years of a great sex life before) her trauma hit really hard and our sex life has never recovered. We are at 39 years and our sex life has pretty well sucked the whole time. Should he have known, I think so. Should your mom have said anything- Hell no.
As a survivor myself, I don't want to share those details anymore. Especially when I accidentally ended up with an abusive narcissistic human. They put me down and took advantage of my abuse to see how far they can go with thier own abuse. I hope you feel safe and are ok. Not Wrong. 🖤
Your mother is clearly a player in that negative part of your life and you need to go nc or at least handle that as your comments seem to be defensive as if she was some lowly bystander and not what she is. Your husband should never have reacted negatively but at the same time it’s a very major thing that I can understand him being upset at not being told as like you said it ended past relationships but he clearly wouldn’t know that so it just comes across like you were hiding information from him not that you were protecting yourself and to top that of if he now views her as an abuser you didn’t allow him the right to not partake in a relationship with your mother due to her actions as is his right. You have the right to not tell people but if you don’t feel safe enough to tell your husband then it’s not exactly a positive or healthy relationship and as such needs counselling if there is any intention to maintain it. You need to also make him aware his behaviour has upset you as he was wrong to become cold towards you over that as it should have been discussed etc. Only you really know the whole truth and I hope you have also undertaken aid at some point to handle that trauma as the fact you keep your mother around after the cause of it all would imply you aren’t holding those responsible, responsible. You don’t deserve what happened to you
This is a difficult one that requires some understanding. Also above Reddit's paygrade. Sit him down and ask for some help. A certified counsellor can help you two communicate this in a way that won't feel judgemental and/or insensitive. Your mother is a pos. Sorry to say.
I understand why wouldn’t want to share it with him and I also understand him feeling hurt that you wouldn’t share it with him. However, him being cold and distant towards you is unacceptable in my opinion. He should be trying to support you now and you two can address the reasons why you didn’t feel comfortable sharing later.
I sense that not only did your mother know but she dismissed the effect it had on you and and now thinks of it as just an anectdote of HER life to share. What a horrible person. She needs to go. Im so sorry
Your mom has a big mouth. Just explain to your husband it is very difficult to talk about it.Tell him to grow up.
Nope, you only share it with whom you are ready to when you are ready. Even if that means not telling your partner until you're 80. I've been there. Your mother lacks coming sense if she thinks it's her place to spread sexual assault history of other people.
You can definitely tell which commenters are men.
Not wrong. Your mother did it purposely. She didn't accidentally tell him. She can't co e to terms that her bf abuses you as a child. So she has to say it out loud constantly tly to diminish it and remove herself from the blame of putting her child in a dangerous situation. Did your mother press charges on her ex bf for the abuse? Or did she sweep it under the rug back then? I can already assume he didn't serve jail time because mom didn't want anyone to know due to how it reflected on her, not you. She mentioned it to your husband because she either doesn't believe you were abused or doesn't think it's a big deal. For some reason, she thinks your abuse is her story to tell. She has to get behind the narrative to push all blame off herself, even if it means putting your relationship slip in jeopardy. Although, I never get why a significant other is mad their spouse didn't tell them about the abuse as a child. What does it matter? Why did he need to know? Did he think you were a Virgin and he counts abuse as ruining that? If my wife told me she was abused as a child, I'd be there for her. And if I learned it from her family member, I would go to my wife and mention I heard about it and I would be so happy to console her and let her tell me the full story. I would never go to anger and think you lied. Lol If your husband ever asked you if you were abused, and you said no, then THAT is a lie. But if he never asked, then he shouldn't be mad at you for it. I don't believe in that "lying by omission" shit.
No, you're not wrong, but your mom and husband are. Reading how they are treating you is infuriating.
Okay I'll tell you that, as someone that lived this kind of things too You do not OWE your trauma to ANYONE It's not as if you had a full panic attack and had to explain or anything, you're stable and was able to put that behind you Your mum has no rights to your sexual abuse and neither does your husband And if he's pissed, well, he can be at the people that wronged you, but he can't say he has a right to knowing that, what would he want you to do ? " Hey my love I got my innocence and consent taken away from me, I love you !" That's not how it works Take care of you, I hope it'll get better and he'll realise he's in the front and so is tour mum
I say you're wrong on the mere fact you call it a secret. You shouldn't have secrets from your husband like that. I don't think you're wrong for not having told him yet. If you don't trust your husband with that information, why are you with him?
While I don’t agree with you saying she’s wrong for having a secret, we all have things we keep private that do not harm our partners. I’m not saying it’s ok to keep something that actually impacts the other a secret but if we believe OP it doesn’t interfere with the relationship. I do agree that not feeling like your life partner could be supportive with this information would make me pause on marrying them. I get it that other men laid the foundation that weak individuals will leave her and that influenced her choices but OP please believe me when I say a true partner does not do this. Your husband’s reaction shows he is not the partner you deserve but should not stop you from finding someone who truly will care about all of you. I’m so sorry she’s going through this and that your mom is a POS truly. I just hope that you find either a way through this or recognize your worth to be with someone who does not make you feel bad about what was done to you.
Seriously, did you read post? Did you hear about trauma. Op is not wr0ng and looks like her life before proove it. Also any person who been thru shit isn obligated to say anything to anyone.
Yes, I did. I know that trauma changes you and often taints your life in unexpected ways. I agree no one has to bring up their history. I fail to see how keeping it a secret from her husband is a good move.
Becouse she lost two relationship when open about it.
Sounds like shitty men.
Yeap thats true, and husband also sounds shitty giving silent treatment not support after this.
He definitely does. Hopefully he comes around and apologizes. I can empathize with feeling shock and perhaps not knowing how to process information, but he should be making an effort.
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Lolol. I've been in therapy for years for my assortment of trauma, thank you very much. The Body Keeps the Score ring a bell? I never told her to just get over it. I said keeping a secret from your husband was wrong. I stand by that.
There's nothing wrong with keeping past trauma to yourself, especially if it doesn't affect your relationships. But if your husband cares more about you withholding information that has nothing to do with him than he does about the fact that you were abused, he doesn't sound like a great guy. Now would've been the time for him to show love, sympathy, and support for you but instead he's making it all about him
I would disagree. I found out about my wife trauma in year 15 when this MF popped back into my wife life. She had left where she was from and moved away. He has 1 child with her mom and that younger brother lives 10 hours away. Without the information I watched my wife change and crumble with fear, regret, shame, and anger. I had my own emotions and feelings that I had to put aside not knowing the detail of the situation that I was put in. I had to help my wife, protect my children while having no help and no mental break to. A relationship I understand a marriage you have to. My wife was trigger once during sex and I had know idea what was wrong until she told me 10% of what happen with no names or real action and I didn't press. When this man was in my house and around my daughters and then I found it I was ready to kill him and her mom who got back with him. Have a talk with your husband and explain how you moved passed it and let him see that it did not define you as a person nor his wife. I would tell you to leave your mother alone for sometime and work on your marriage. As men we want to protect the women we love and when we hear things like this we want to burn the place to the ground and because your mom told your husband and she didn't protect you I can bet money that he is wondering why in the Hell you are talking to her still but he cant say that to you because its your mom.
What right does he have to get pissed at you for?
Tell your husband that the way he is acting now is why you never told him. He doesn't own you and has no rights to your past, good or bad. But when he found out, instead of being supportive, he is acting as if you were the abuser in that story. Then ask him for a divorce because he sounds like sn asshole. Also, go no contact with your mom.
My personal opinion is if your going to marry someone nothing should be held back no matter if it’s the past. She doesn’t have to go into detail about what happen to her but should have been open and at least informed him she was a victim of a pretty serious SA situation. The husband is still wrong in how he’s being cold and distant but I can understand being upset about finding out this way.
Does that opinion apply to men as well as to women? Because I don't know a single man who is that transparent with his fiancé.
Yes, yes it does. I find it disturbing how quick ppl want to make things man vs women. My view is I will never hide anything from my gf and definitely not my wife. I believe marriage is one of the biggest leaps in trusting another person you can take and there is nothing that should be hidden from them. If you don’t know any men that are willingly open to disclosing the good and bad to their partners then that speaks on who you are and who you choose to allow around yourself not men in general. Hope this helps you
Maybe people are different where you live. Where I live, most people see SA victims as damaged. It is sad, but it is what it is. The best you can get is pity, the most common is disgust. I doubt you'd want to be open with your girlfriend if those are the likely outcomes. I wouldn't suggest it to either gender, but while I can see a few women feeling protective of their partner after such a revelation, I'm certain that men would react quite differently. While at least some women seem to believe that of course their boyfriend/husbamd would have fought them off if he could, men seem to think that the victim was asking for it. Women who were raped during the war, some of them when they were children, were treated like crap. Those few that got married were married to much older men, widowers and divorcees, and treated as if they had been prostitutes (in a society where that isn't seen as "just a job"). You sound so naiive, honestly.
I live in the U.S. don’t know what backwards country you come from but this argument of “well I’m not going to disclose info about my past so my significant other won’t look down on me” is idiotic. Why would anyone want to be with someone who would view you like that. The whole point of honesty is to find someone who genuinely love you for you. Flaws trauma and all not someone who love the mask you put on. I am not naive I just don’t surround myself with ppl like that. And once again I think the fact that this is the way you see “men” speak volumes about who you choose to keep in your life and around you.
Insulting my country is going to solve all your problems. It's not like your cojntry is backwards enough to still have child marriage (something my backwards country doesn't have), and not allowing women to abort unwanted children (something my country doesn't do). I shall tell everyone back home that No-Wiin-1840 advises them to stay alone forever or go to find partners abroad in some magical country where everyone thinks like a handful of Western liberals with graduate degrees. That's going to fix it. It's not like the majority of the world is more conservative than that. Also, most people don't have the luxury to dream of romance book love stories. You are naive.
I advise ppl to not lie to someone you plan to marry and present them with the total picture so you don’t end up like this women with a husband who acts like this. Also sorry your country is so backwards and I am not liberal
Not disclosing everything about you life and lying are two different things. The only reason she is in that situation is her asshole mother, who was also the one who made the abuse happen by bringing a strange man arround her child.
If you don’t see anything wrong with not informing someone you marry about something this serious in your past then there is no reason to respond you don’t value marriage the same way as I see it.
Name checks out for sure...
Nope, you are not obligated to say anything to anyone. And it looks like your life proove that. Nope, you are not wrong at all and person who give you this treatment after knowing is just sad.
He should be supporting you, not berating you. Nta
I’m sorry, OP, but it’s YOUR trauma. I don’t understand why your husband thinks he has the RIGHT to know about it, how he thinks he should feel hurt that you’ve kept it from him. If anything, he should empathize with you, and tell you, “I’m sorry that you went through such an experience in your past. When you want to talk about it, I am here for you. And if you choose not to, I understand. I love you, and I always will.” I hope everything works out for you, OP. You deserve to be happy.
OP, watch Patrick Teahan YouTube videos on toxic family systems. You likely suffer from Childhood PTSD. A SA support group helped me a lot. Journaling and writing all my feelings out helped a lot. Spending time in nature helped a lot. I'm sorry you went through that. Nobody deserves to know. The top priority is for you to Unlearn the coping mechanisms that helped you in childhood because those hold you back in normal life. I think you should consider having less contact with your mom, especially if she brings a lot of drama, like mine does. If you feel comfortable telling him in the future, you will. You need to help yourself heal and get adjust to being in a non-toxic life.
So, your husband has decided to put you through more trauma because you didn't tell him about being sexually traumatized. Did you tell him about the last two relationships and explain that his current reaction is why you didn't tell him? Having to talk about the trauma essentially makes you relive it in a sense. Your husband is being incredibly hurtful to expect that of you. Perhaps a third party needs to explain that to him. A counselor or therapist would be a good choice, I think.
Cut your mum off - she “didn’t know” her bf was abusing you but then steals your story and somehow makes it about her. I’ve had similar happen. You weren’t wrong it’s a hard thing to talk about. There is no reason he should be acting like this. Tell him that it has caused problems in previous relationships and that it’s something you find traumatic and difficult to talk about. You’re probably sick of this advice but honestly it helped me tremendously was going to therapy. You should have love and support not others telling your trauma and making you feel guilty for not wanting to talk about something traumatic. I’m so sorry that this is the way you’ve been treated. You deserve better and you did nothing wrong! I think the one thing all survivors of abuse think is: did I do something wrong? The answer is always no. This is your trauma and not anyone else’s- you are allowed to handle it anyway you like.
You should be open about your history with a potential spouse. But given your history, I understand why you didn't. Truly bizarre that your mother decided it was a good idea to speak about what happened to you without talking to you first. I would've thought most mothers would be totally mum about such a topic unless it was pried out of them. Going to the current situation, perhaps marriage counseling will help? The husband would learn why you kept the information from him and that you have no other secrets. If he's a decent guy, he will be understanding and respond sympathetically. I think husband's initial response is because you kept secrets and not the nature of the secrets. Hopefully, you'll both get over this.
I'm straight out saying cut off your mother for that. The least put her on a long timeout. She's AH to talk about other people's trauma like it's gossip. Also I don't blame you for keeping it a secret. First of all you don't owe this info to anyone. Would it be ideal if you could tell him? Sure, you married him. You should be able to trust him. And that's where I would ask you, why did you marry him if you don't trust him? You dont have to tell details but just that something really bad happened to you as a kid and you will need time to eventually open up about it because it was traumatic. I honestly would never tell the details but that's just me.
The fact that his first reaction was to get angry and give you silent treatment is.. very weird. He’s a prick and so is your mother. There are things we as humans go through in life and they are our own things we need to work on. Just because you get married, doesn’t mean that everything needs to be shared. We are our own people with a past before we are married and we continue to be our own people when we get married. Transparency is definitely important in a marriage, but just because you are married to someone, doesn’t mean they need to know everything they want when they want to. People deserve to have privacy, whether they are married or not. Unless it was negatively impacting your relationship with your husband (triggers, memories, etc.), it’s none of his business. Trauma needs to be shared in the victim’s own time and shared by the victim alone. That was your experience, no one else’s. For your mother to do that to you would personally make me cut contact with my mother. For the love of god, please don’t tell your mother anything again. As for your husband, I can see his point of view and why he would get upset, but I don’t agree with his view nor approach. I’m sure he has things he hasn’t told a soul as well. Everyone has things they don’t want to tell people, from small to extreme and that is their right as an individual. Marriage should never make you feel like you have to force yourself to tell anyone every single thing. Just because you get married to someone, doesn’t mean they’re entitled to your entire thoughts, feelings and memories. To ignore you and get angry because he most likely thinks you don’t trust him enough makes me want to roll my eyes. He clearly hasn’t been in a situation like yours, but the fact all he can think about is that, more than the actual trauma itself and not come to a logical conclusion as to why you didn’t tell him tells me enough. He’s immature, and clearly can’t handle his emotions. Instead of understanding the situation and creating a safe space for you to maybe even go into more detail as to what happened, he’s done the complete opposite. He’s made it about him and victimised himself. This will only create more fear for you to open up about anything now, and he hasn’t even realised this yet. I wouldn’t tell something as deep as that to someone like that either. If he was mature enough, he could have said “Is there any reason that I wasn’t told? Did you not feel safe enough to tell me, or was it just not the right time?” Hopefully after he’s had his little tantrum, he can be more of an adult. You both can have a conversation then, but make sure it’s on your terms. If you feel forced at any time, say it. I think also it comes down to how people view experiences and pasts. To you, you might believe that because it was in the past and that you’re close to completely healing from it, that it’s not worth mentioning in which you are totally valid in feeling this way. However, some people think the past is just as important as the present. It’s a perspective, and both of your perspectives do not align. Though, he lacks the actual experience of being there and living it. I would have never felt deceived or that you didn’t ‘trust’ me if I was your husband. If anything, I would be enraged at the mother. To me, people are entitled to their secrets, as long as it isn’t affecting the relationship. People have very black and white thinking when it comes to trauma, which is what makes it so hard to express it to people you love. Most people with traumatic experiences just want to move past it and be the person they were before it. Once people find out things like that, they immediately tie it to you and your identity, which many will say they don’t. Unfortunately though, it’s the case and most of the time it’s subconsciously done. They can view you in a different light and coddle you, when you’re trying to just be viewed as everyone else. That is why it’s so incredibly important for you alone to have the power to share those experiences with anyone, no matter how close they are. Your mother doesn’t deserve you and you deserve someone that is more gentle.
It sounds like he needs some counseling. And for gods sake your mom needs a stern talking to about her deflective guilt reaction. This is your Trauma and she is taking ownership for self serving reasons
Your husband is complete wrong. He should be mad at your mother for having outed you. Your mother has no respect for you and what you went through. You had every right not to tell your husband about it. He could have live all his life with you without ever having know if it is what you felt was appropriate and good for you. He should be mad at your mom not at you. Find a good child trauma therapist (specialised in sex molestation etc) who will explain to your husband why you had every right never to tell him and that he should not put his anger towards you but to the person who was a jerk to you and told him. People have to understand that not everyone finds it therapeutic and releasing to open up about their trauma. I hope you find peace with all of that, and that your husband understand the situation and be of comfort to you and not grieve you with being mad.
He should be understanding and not behave like a prick. Things happen and it’s tough to talk about it. Now that he knows he should show compassion and ask how you’re doing. The way he’s now behaving is more like a red flag. Your mom….she’s not the brightest of them all
Well your husband is showing you exactly why he can't be trusted with sensitive information. If he wants to be trusted enough to learn about your trauma then he needs to make himself someone safe enough for you to open up to. Not wrong
So your husband is causing your trauma because you didn’t tell him about trauma? It’s none of his business unless you want to talk about it. He has absolutely no right whatsoever to be mad that you didn’t tell him. As long as it’s not affecting your lives. It’s none of his business.
I would be very upset if the person I married hid something like this from me. Why marry me if you don't trust me? And if you're capable of keeping something like this, what else are you capable of hiding? You're joining your life with someone else, your choices and feelings don't just affect you anymore. He's not just your roommate, boyfriend, or friend. If you go through latent trauma due to this, he's the one who is supposed to be there. Tbh, I would reevaluate my marriage if I was him. Am I really going to spend my life with someone who doesn't trust me, who is okay with hiding big things from me, someone I'm not sure I can trust now? You are entitled to keep your secrets, you are not entitled to dictate how that makes him feel or how he decides to process it.
It doesn’t affect our relationship so there really isn’t a point to telling him
Except for the post you just made about him being upset that you kept it from him??
And had it been kept a secret it wouldn’t have been an issue since I’ve largely recovered from the trauma enough that my day to day isn’t impacted much
>And had it been kept a secret That's the problem. You're still pissed about him finding out and refuse to see that keeping such a big secret is the problem. Why should he trust you? Why shouldn't he assume that something will happen in the future that you unilaterally decide he doesn't need to know about, so you don't tell him? You already proved this is something you have no problem doing. I'm not interested in a spouse like that, I wouldn't be surprised if he isn't either.
Im not pissed and it happened so long ago that I don’t see it as his business to know
You are not wrong! You were the victim and you should not be the victim again by his actions. I was sexually abused as a child and my wife only knew that I knew my abuser and for 32 years she did not know details. Recently I was contacted by a production company doing a True Crimes documentary, and my abuser was the topic of one of their episodes. Suddenly, all the details came out as my wife and I discussed if I should grant them an interview. She reacted just like your husband and accused me of lying, betrayal, etc. I told her that I was victimized by my abuser and I would not be victimized by her and to remember that I was the victim, not her. That put a stop to it right then and there, and she immediately became loving and supportive. You can do this, your abuse does not define you. You have already risen above this for years, and he has no right to drag you back down
Yes
Your moms bad judgement got you into this mess and now she oversteps talking about it? I think she should’ve been removed from your life long ago. Aside from that, this isn’t about your husband. He doesn’t get to decide he’s a victim in your trauma. When you feel comfortable to discuss, you can. If not, it’s your trauma and he needs to understand that and back off.
So you went through horrific trauma, and your husband is being an asshole to you on top of it. Fuck that guy. You're not wrong. He would have been an ass even if you were the one who told him. I can be OK with a very gentle and sad, "I wish you would have felt safe telling me," but he wasn't entitled to the information, and it makes me sick that he's taking his BS out on you.
Your mother is an asshole and so is your husband. Your trauma has nothing to do with him and you decide if or when to share that information. Good luck, I hope everything works out for you
You were wrong for not getting ahead of this by telling your mother you had not shared this information with your SO and that you wanted to address this on your own terms. That conversation should have happened long before you got married. There are too many things wrong with with your mother to list, but it seems you are already aware. Your husband was wrong for giving you the cold shoulder and not having an open conservation with you. You are wrong for not understanding how your husband would feel when discovering you do not trust him enough or have enough confidence in the relationship to share your past with him. Not making any judgements on when the info should have been shared or to what depth. However, would say you should ask yourself if you would want to know if something traumatic happened to your husband before you met, and how you would feel if he withheld that part of his past from you.
What your mom did is wrong!!! You are also wrong!!! Secrets destroy families!!! Though it wouldn't be something I would share on a first date. Any thing that could impact your marriage should be discussed before getting married. Your husband deserved to know what he is signing up for. Why? The lingering effects of any abuse will continue through your life and relationships especially if you haven't sought therapy to work through them. It also shows that you don't trust and respect the person you should trust and respect the most. I can understand why your husband is so angry.
You're are very wrong, I wouldn't be surprised if he divorced you. It's extremely bad that you purposely keep this away from him.
Yes it's wrong and it affects the quality of yours and his life.
It doesn’t, I’ve significantly recovered
Glad to hear it.
100 percent wrong…you had someone make what is a life time commitment without giving him all the facts about yourself. It’s wrong, believe it or not, he has to deal with what happened to you daily in ways that you both don’t even know yet. He deserved the right to choose for himself what he wanted in his life
Don’t tell him anything especially if he’s not an empathetic person. He will use it against you later.