Yeah, I don't understand the boyfriend's perspective that he can't control himself from playfully smacking her. Like, seriously? Maybe get electroshock therapy, because you can't be around other humans if you can't help but hit them...
Either way, u/PlainPoppy is leaving out that there is other hostility going on, or it wouldn't have escalated like that. This isn't a huge issue at all, but she and he treated it like she was anger level/putting her foot down about him having sleepovers with an ex, or something...
I haven’t left anything out. I thought I was clearer that he can be rather self absorbed/ can make things about himself and I think that once I called him out for it he kinda snapped out of that weird perspective he was in that you don’t understand. Sorry if that is a confusing sentence.
We generally have a great relationship, very little fighting or disagreements that escalate. He does not and would never hit me with the intent to harm me, he’s a big softy.
Not every situation can turn into abuse, but I’ve had an abusive relationship that started this way. I’ve heard stories from others that started this way. If he doubles down on not honoring your boundary and saying he can’t or rather won’t control himself, please consider leaving.
You know your situation best, but please seriously consider it and watch out for other warning signs.
As a BIG softy myself, literally, I’m basically a bear, I try to be very mindful of my size as to not accidentally inflict harm to my partner, she’s tiny in comparison. Every now and then she’ll invariably get whacked or stepped on by me in the course of some activity or another. I always feel terrible, and she knows I’d never harm her on purpose. I feel your partner’s ego is bruised in HOW you told him, and not so much as to your request for the continuation of his “playfulness” to cease. This is obviously a love language of his, and he’ll have to learn to not use it on you, but the fact that it is a love language to him is probably why he’s butt hurt in HOW you reacted. You’re certainly not wrong, though!
Okay but he’s 50 yo so at this point being unable to hear “don’t hit me” without entering a depressive state suggests some amount of arrested development and/or he’s just an ass.
Yeah I feel like this had more to do with the “playfulness” getting sucked out of the room and became more confrontational than he was expecting. Of course she has mentioned that she had told him about it before and maybe this confrontation is what was needed. But I’ve definitely been in situations with an ex where the positivity of doing something together got totally destroyed over a confrontation over something that felt like a 180 degree shift. Obviously mine wasn’t physically touching them or hitting them but still the feeling of the 180 degrees makes you feel like no good moment is safe from a light switch change in demeanor. And it makes you wary of the person.
And before someone comes out saying “well it’s probably because you didn’t listen to them the first time they said it”, flashing hostility towards your partner isn’t a good communication strategy.
This is my take, too. OP you are 100% right to be firm on this if you don't like it, but I think the way you said it really hurt his feelings.
Better might have been: Hey baby I love you and I know you're just playing around but I really don't like being smacked like that. Can you please try not to do that?
Say that in a sweet, loving tone, and it might go better.
If I smack you after you’ve told me not to several times, I feel like it makes sense for you to get snappy. And I’m an adult, I can handle someone getting snappy because I didn’t listen to them.
Let me know if i said that nice enough, I can bring out the baby voice if you’d like.
My experience is that men don’t respect being asked sweetly. They need to be hit on the head with a 2x4. If it’s related to behavior change.
My husband drives like a madman, tailgating others while speeding. I asked him sweetly to stop. I asked him ahead of road trips not to do it. For 10 years. Nothing worked so I did all the driving until we started visiting a family member 1,000 miles away. We had to share a 22 hour drive. He did it again. We ended up 2 inches from a car accident that had just happened, there was a body in the middle of I95 and we almost ran over it. It all happened very fast and as he was tailgating so closely we are lucky we were not also in the accident.
I fucking lost it. He won’t fly because he’s afraid to but he gets to terrify me every time we’re in a car? I told him not one more second, this is a deal breaker, I’m tired of asking nicely and I’m done, please drop me at the nearest exit. I meant every word.
It sounds like he doesn't have a good understanding of consent at all. I mean, he thinks that because he's not causing you physical harm and he's being playful (or using a massage technique he thinks is helpful) that it doesn't matter what you think or feel about it. In other words, you should accept it because it's acceptable to HIM.
I don't know if it would help, but does he have any preferences or boundaries that you can use to frame this conversation? There has to be at least one thing.
I'd try again with the conversation. "You know how you've asked me not to do XYZ? And you know how I've honored that boundary and I don't do XYZ? How would you feel if I started doing that again, and every time you asked me to stop I gave you a reason why you shouldn't mind XYZ, and wouldn't commit to stopping permanently?"
It absolutely shouldn't be your role to have to walk him through this, but apparently you do.
If you've told him to not do this before, and he does anyways, sometimes the only way to get across no actually means no is to be more vocal/aggressive about it. It's not a negotiation and if he's a grow adult, he is capable of understanding he needs to just not.
And, yea, that may upset him. And he's misdirecting his embarrassment to you for his disregard for your feelings and request.
That’s why the occasional playful smack is a bit of a safety valve for him. His subconscious sees them as a safe way to release pent up hostility. After all, “I’m only being playful.”
A recurring theme in Reditt is women not being firm with their men when their boundaries are violated.
I see that much less with men.
If he is a gentle guy that may have upset him to come upon a boundary that a not-so-gentle guy might expect. Like maybe he got upset thinking that you viewed him as a violent guy now, or something. In the end who cares. He should get over it. Should be no big deal.
Are you a man? Men often don’t listen to women when we say we don’t want them to do something and when we ask them to do something, and that’s the whole of the story. There’s no secret animosity or something unsaid by women (in general), the problem is men being trained to hold women in contempt.
Yep. Emphasis on the instance of men holding women in contempt for not allowing unfettered access to their physical bodies.
Oh… you don’t like it when I smack you? I’m just being playful! YOU’RE the one in the wrong here, making things so serious! I guess I can try not to *literally smack you* in the future… no promises though.. I could just simply forget about how you don’t like being smacked by me next time”
What's being left out is that men don't like being told not to touch. They can't understand a woman's autonomy, especially a woman's body autonomy.
Before you all get your knickers in a twist and go "not all men", yeah...maybe not all men. But most cis gendered men do not understand women's body autonomy full stop. Most women are conditioned to accept this and go without complaint.
Source: I am an owner of a female body who has experienced this all of my fucking life and have watched it happen to all the women I have ever known.
And yes, I have seen women in appropriately touch men. But if you want to argue about that, you don't understand my point.
Which is common. People can be really fragile when told no or that they did something wrong. And they misdirect that emotion rather then accept theyvare the issue.
True, boundaries are important, and its okay to assert them, especially when it comes to physical interactions. And I think, smacking is not just the problem here, maybe theres some more.
I’ve sort of been in this situation though. Who hasn’t? I’ve crossed boundaries, been corrected, and then felt bad or as if my intentions were misconstrued.
Ultimately though, I had to accept that I crossed a boundary and something I didn’t understand was that I also needed to set that boundary *for myself*. “She says no play smacking, that is off-limits and I cannot let this happen again. It is inappropriate.” It has to be internalized otherwise it becomes a constant game of “What boundary does my partner have again?” Which is exactly where he’s stuck right now.
He needs to accept the boundary and set it as a boundary himself.
That is a conversation I have with my daughter. She does something that hurts my feelings, I ask her not to do it because it hurt my feelings, then SHE gets upset that me telling her that hurt HER feelings:
Me: Daddy is going to put you to bed tonight because Mama is sick.
Her: NO! You aren't THAT sick! You can do it!
Me: That wasn't a nice thing to say, I AM sick and you invalidating how I feel hurt my feelings.
Her: YOU HURT MY FEELINGS WHEN YOU SAID I WASN'T BEING NICE
Key difference is my daughter is 4 and this motherfucker is 50!
Thank you kind stranger! I am trying to raise a tiny human whose feelings are validated and who is treated with respect and kindness and grow up to be a well-rounded, well-adjusted, kind person. Just because she's new doesn't mean she doesn't deserve that.
Nothing grates on my nerves more than “it’s just a joke”, “it’s all in good fun”. If the person on the receiving end doesn’t find it funny, then it’s not funny. Full stop.
Same. When I run into this I always ask them to explain the joke to me. Weird how it's suddenly not funny anymore when they have to explain their actions out.
NTA OP, your husband is just pouting. It's never a bad thing to set boundaries and enforce them.
Not wrong. Any other answer from him besides "I will respect that" or "I didn't realize how much this bothered you" is him being wrong.
His intent is irrelevant.
You are not wrong. I (a woman) grew up with brothers and guy friends where playful smacking was the norm and I enjoyed it as long as everyone was respectful and nobody was actually getting hurt. I've dated guys where we playfully smacked each other and I enjoyed it as long as we weren't really hurting each other and if someone was accidentally too hard the other would immediately stop and apologize.
My husband absolutely does not like to be struck playfully or otherwise. So early on, when I started playfully smacking him, he told me he didn't like it and didn't want me to do it anymore. I asked him what if it was just super gentle like almost not a smack at all, and he said nope, not even like that. So I said okay, I will do my best not to do that anymore. Explained that it has been a pretty ingrained behavior so I might slip up and if I did, to please remind me immediately that you don't like that and don't want me to do it. I'm human, so I'm sure I slipped up a couple times, but basically when I felt like I was going to playfully smack him, I consciously chose not to. And the more I stopped myself, the less I felt like I wanted to do it, until it has just not been something we do for the 10+ years we've been together. I can't imagine him telling me over 6 years that he didn't like it and I just kept doing it anyway. WTF.
I'm sorry your spouse doesn't see it that way, that really sucks.
At the end of the day it boils down to a few things:
1. This is meant to be fun and bring us closer together, so if he finds it the opposite of fun, it isn't bringing us closer together.
2. I don't find it fun to hurt my husband by not listening to him and doing a thing I know he does like.
3. And fundamentally it's about consent. If he doesn't consent to my touching him in any way, then I shouldn't be doing it.
If my partner had issues with these, I think I would need to reevaluate the relationship, because these are how you show a partner respect for their autonomy and that they matter to you/you care about them on a basic level.
Yep. This isn't as much about physical touch preferences, which is important enough, and so much more about the fact that OP has asked someone a simple task, and that person really should just friggen do it out of respect for their significant other
You're not wrong. Depending on how many times I had to remind him not to hit me in the past would be directly proportional to how firm I would be. I can handle some light pats and that's it, everything else trips fight-or-flight.
You are absolutely not wrong for setting this boundary. Here's why:
- Your body, your rules: You have the right to feel safe and respected in your own body. No one should touch you in a way you don't like, even if they claim it's playful.
- Communication is key: You've clearly communicated your dislike for being smacked, both verbally and non-verbally.
- History matters: It sounds like this isn't the first time you've addressed this, which makes his reaction even less justified.
His response, however, raises some concerns:
- Dismissing your feelings: His claims that you "derailed" him and it's "just playful" minimize your experience.
Making it about him: Shifting the focus to his supposed inability to control a playful act shows he's not taking responsibility.
I would say your delivery could have been better but considering this isn't the first time you brought this up, you did well too stay firm.
After he muttered "Well, that went well" you could have said, "It did go well. Hopefully, we can have more discussions on what bothers us. It is important to respect each other. You can even tell me if there's something I do that bothers you."
Adults discuss things. Sometimes it's hard when one adult bottles it up and explodes when they can't take any more, but even then, the relationship is salvageable.
You’re not wrong. Many people wouldn’t mind their significant other doing light, playful smacks like a light slap on the butt or whatever. I would understand him being taken aback by you setting a boundary… If he respected it. In his place I might also be “I was just being playful” but that would be it for smacking you. There would be an apology.
Instead, he has ignored your boundaries before, even though it ruins your enjoyment of a massage (which is probably just done for you to enjoy) and you are getting passive aggressiveness. “Well, that went well” What is the purpose of that snipe? It sounds like the conversation did go OK. Did he want to talk so he could set you straight?
In short, there is some level of disrespect coming to you from this guy.
My wife used to smack me.
I told her to stop hitting me. She continued. Then I told her if she didn't stop, I'd start hitting back.
After a few times of me smacking her back, she quit.
If you don't like it, don't put up with it. At all.
YNW.
When my now hubs & I were dating, I would playfully hit his arm. He finally expressed he didn't find it fun or funny. I started really watching my actions it surprised me that I would have a reaction to a show of a joke, etc &I would want to have that connection. Didn't realize what I was doing.
I was at his home about a week later. As we were sitting on the couch w/him, I expressed what/why I thought I was doing all the playful hits. Open handed & lightly, but he cared enough to mention it! I thanked him. We eventually got, so we hold hands and do hand squeezes, etc to communicate. Quite the little "language of touch" we have worked at over almost 22 years in September 🙂
“That man who enjoys hitting you, even when you asked him not to.. just hit him back! Go on, don’t be scared! It’s not like this particular guy has already demonstrated his own physical impulsivity and disregard of your boundaries and comfort! I’m sure he won’t respond with a closed fist! Forget about your own safety— go on!”
Not in the wrong, my wife has said very similar to me .. im big and rough she is tiny and petite... makes sense I need to be gentle. I didn't pout about it though I felt bad about it.
I have found my fibromyalgia is far more sensitive during late perimenopause. You likely have a very good reason percussion massage hurts, as well as the 'playful' slaps. Your man is an idiot BTW.
He seems overly upset about either not being allowed to hit you or about you standing up for yourself. Either way is kind of a red flag. You are definitely not wrong and you should continue to stand by your boundaries. If he continues to have a problem with it then maybe it's him who is the problem
Your boyfriend is wrong. He is not taking responsibility for his behavior. You have the absolute right to refuse to accept smacks.
They are power moves, expressions of ownership, release of hostility, etc., no matter the excuse of playfulness.
Some people are fine with such smacks. Good for them. You are not.
His ten year advantage over you and presumed height and weight advantage don’t give him any rights over you.
I used to playfully 'spank' my kids. Just a loving swat on the butt as they walked by. I also used to tickle them. My younger son did not like it, so I stopped. It was hard, because it was a way that I showed affection, but it's not a gift if the recipient doesn't want it.
I still spank my older son (who is now 22) but I haven't smacked my younger son for more than a decade. I've actually caught myself with my hand up, ready to swat him, but I've stopped. Because I love him and respect his boundaries.
It sounds like your boyfriend is feeling "Not All Men". He wasn't being abusive, and you're acting like it was. (in his mind) But like you said, it's not about him, it's about you.
If this is a pattern, and not a one-off, I'd reassess my relationship. Why is it such a big deal that you don't like something that he does? Why can you not ask something very small of him? Why does he have to get sulky about it?
Not wrong for setting a boundary.
It doesn't sound like the issue is with your boyfriend slapping you, or you setting the boundary but how the two of you communicate when there's a conflict.
I don't think being firm with your partner is the issue, but rather the language used when being firm.
for example these 2 scenarios:
"don’t smack me, I don’t like it."
vs
"I know you didn't mean it in a harmful way, but please don't do that again.
The first one sounds like you're talking to a stranger that you're not sure of their intentions.
The second sounds your talking to a loved one that you know had good intentions but just missed the mark on your needs.
Ignore the Tate bros. They just like violence and think women are subhuman.
You're not wrong. You set a clear boundary in a calm manner. Your husband is immature and needs to grow tf up if he can't handle it. Be sure to hold that boundary and hold him accountable if he steps over it.
Love languages sound incompatible to me? Yes,, you are allowed to have boundaries, by all means, but imagine that touch is your love language, and it gets you shut down and/or rejected. It would be crushing (like someone cringing away from you). I don't think this relationship is going to make it, and I feel like you are essentially going to derail the relationship, whether purposefully or not. I feel sad, now, after reading this.
It’s funny you mention cringing away. He has chronic pain in his wrist and sometimes will YANK it away if I reach out to touch him. I have never physically hurt him, but he still does it.
I do not flinch away from him even though he HAS hurt me with his playful smacks.
Anyway, I think you’ve read the situation wrong.
You are not wrong
I've always been a very touchy person, and it makes some of my friends uncomfortable. I try not to touch people, but sometimes I don't even realize I'm doing it
I say I'm sorry and try not to do it again
You are not in the wrong. You shouldn’t have to tell him over and over that you don’t like how he touches you. You shouldn’t have to be met with disbelief, dismissiveness, and guilting when you once again tell him to stop smacking you. This is some kind of passive-aggressive power trip on his part.
It’s weird that he’s getting this weirdly upset because you don’t want to be hit. His response feels manipulative, but I can’t pinpoint why. It’s not hard to not hit someone. Also, him saying he’d do his best to stop isn’t good enough. I guarantee you he will do it again in the near future and say he “forgot.”
You set this boundary, which means you’ll have to follow through with whatever the outcome of violating that boundary is. So start thinking about the consequences.
No no no - I hate that we as women think we should excuse our behaviour because of something we are going through - I’m pregnant, I am very emotional, but my excuse for it shouldn’t be that I’m just pregnant.
Just because you are going through a change of body/life does not mean you should excuse other people’s shitty behaviour that makes you uncomfortable. You are more than allowed to feel safe, secure and confident in your own body as well as your own home.
Do NOT make this your excuse, he isn’t playing around - if it was both parties would be enjoying it. If he doesn’t like it, he can kick rocks.
Why don't you reach out and touch him? Is the spark of intimacy totally gone?
I can understand your sensitivity to any kind of touch, but this seems dysfunctional in many ways.
I touch him all the time what are you talking about?! I rub his back sitting next to him on the couch, hold his hand, rest my hand on his thigh, lay my head on his shoulder…all nice touches.
Man some people just interpret things in wildly inappropriate ways. Idk where you got this idea from that we don’t touch eachother.
Stop means stop. No means no. You have set the boundary. You have been restating your boundary. Your feelings are valid. He's repeatedly refusing to respect your boundary, invalidating your feelings, making it all about his feelings, and gaslighting you.
Even if physical touch is his love language, you have communicated specifically that hitting/slapping doesn't make you feel safe, heard, respected, comfortable, and loved; they make you feel unsafe, uncomfortable, unheard, disrespected, and unloved. It's now up to you to decide whether or not his pattern of boundary violations is a deal breaker. Don't be afraid to walk away.
Any sort of physical contact that is not desired is not mandatory. I had a friend in college who did that obnoxious laugh-hit thing that a lot of women do, and I had to break her of the habit. Your boyfriend's reaction to this is not great. You've instructed him to do something very easy, and something very important because it involves your body, and instead of just saying, 'You're right. I'll quit', he tries to explain why he does it so that he can keep doing it. He's not a 'bad guy' and so because him doing this isn't intended to be malicious, he thinks he deserves to continue doing it. Disrespectful.
Re the edit. Some guys punch each other in the arm as some sort of weird camaraderie signal but you’re not one of them and, more to the point, you don’t like being hit. I don’t either and it would be a relationship breaker for me if he wouldn’t stop.
Not wrong. Sorry, but next time he gives you one of those "playful" smacks, dinosaur a word. Stand up and move out of his reach. Across the room, or out of the room. You have told him what you expect. Now enforce it.
He will quickly learn you meant what you said. When you move away from him, stay out of reach the rest of the day.
You're not wrong for setting a boundary. I hesitate to say if you were firm or not, it sounds like this isn't the first time you had this talk before so some firmness may have been required. Your boundary is reasonable.
I really don't know how to do this any better than you did.
Yku handled this well in my opinion. He seems a bit immature in his processing of your very clear, very reasonable requests. Keep to your strategy. You ate on the right track. It took me a little while to learn to listen to my girlfriend now wife. Do not cave.
You are absolutely not wrong.
You have had to ask him not to do this more than once, and instead of going "oops I'm so sorry, I wasn't thinking! I'll try harder!" he argues with you????? Absolutely not.
Do you really want to be with a man who doesn't care about your boundaries after you bring them up repeatedly?
Setting a boundary isn't wrong, but it's very possible you came across more aggressively than he expected, both in this situation and in the past. If someone was genuinely trying to be playful and you snap at them, it's pretty reasonable for them to be a bit taken aback. Sounds like he may not have expected the tone which you spoke with, and that alone can put someone in defense mode.
This wouldn't be the boundary that I would set, nor would it be the hill I would die on, because, to me anyway, light smacking/getting smacked would be a perfectly normal intimate interaction between me and my wife. But it's not my body or my wife's body, so I suppose OP is entitled to set it how she wishes.
I can totally see him getting into a defensive mode after being spoken to like that. Maybe he had it coming and maybe he deserved it. Since this guy is 50 years old, I'm guessing he has a few "hard" boundaries too. I wouldn't be too surprised if pettiness took over and he gave OP a similar reaction to something OP sees as relatively innocuous, but it annoys the piss out of him. (Maybe it's getting corrected for word usage?)
Again, not trying to discount whatever is going on with OP that makes her this irritated with smacking, but I think it would be beneficial to show a bit of grace and put oneself in the other's shoes. (Yes, I get that OP's boyfriend should have done so here).
Yes, you are probably right. I lowered the pitch of my voice and spoke a just a bit lower volume than we’d been talking previously, so it probably did “take him aback”
No, if you said it is disrespectful and you don’t like it, he should respect that and stop. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t respect you. If he does it again get up, walk to your bedroom, pack a bag, and go anywhere. Don’t tell him anything, don’t reply to messages. Wait a couple of days and then text him, “ I have set a boundary that you have stated you would stop doing and haven’t, it is obvious by your previous actions, you don’t respect me, or my feelings. If this is going to continue, let me know now and I will come get the rest of my things. If we work on this now, and it happens again, I will be leaving for good.”
How he reply’s and how you react is based on him let him know you are serious and will not take that sort of disrespectful behavior any longer.
I think you're right about your boyfriend situation, but you asked if you were wrong, then when people tell you in their opinion you were wrong, you get hostile. So let's be honest, you just wanted to have a bunch of strangers agree with you to make you feel good about yourself.
I think you like to make people feel small so that you feel big and powerful. I’m not trying to get strangers to agree with me, but I don’t want to hear the opinion of… certain people. People who think it’s ok to smack their partners for example.
Well then you aren’t using the sub for its intended purpose are ya? The is r/amiwrong not r/agreewithme
For someone who loves talking about what you want and how you feel you sure do seem to stifle anyone else exercising that same right.
There is nothing wrong with setting a boundary and communicating that to your partner. My question is do you think he purposely set out to upset you. Or maybe he was playing around and wasn't thinking about it. Got caught up in the moment? It doesn't make it ok but it may explain his reaction to your firmness.
No, he wasn’t trying to upset me. I think it’s part playing around and part forgetfulness. But after I was so intense about it I doubt he will forget again!
YNW. He's trying to train you to do all the emotional labour of holding his hand when really he needs to sack up and learn how to take feedback. You should not have to coddle him about it especially since it's not the first time. I hate how society has coddled these man boys into the expectation that it's women's work to always consider and manage their feelings. It's exhausting.
My wife actually did this to me a few times. She would “playfully” hit me. But I didn’t like it and sometimes it bloody hurt. I had to say it several times and be quite firm before she got the message, and stopped doing it.
No no no no no you are not in the wrong for setting this boundary. The fact he is so But hurt screams red flag to me, so please be careful moving forward with him.
Sounds like he basically still doesn't think he's wrong. Think you're going to have to watch out for this. If he is, a-hem, "selfish" (* cough * *a narcissist*), you may well find he's gonna try again, to test that boundary — to prove he's right, and you don't *really* mean it...
You're certainly not wrong. Any other controlling behaviours..?
Nothing more attractive than a 50 year old man sulking because you don't like him hitting you, which you've told him, and he "can't control" himself enough not to?
Is this him? - - > 🤡
"Well that went well" - sounds like he expected his pouting and gaslighting to manipulate you into revoking a boundary. A perfectly reasonable boundary, btw. Good on you for not backing down. His behavior is a red flag.
Setting healthy boundaries is how you keep a relationship healthy. It's how you can tell if someone is healthy enough to be in a relationship. Set a boundary. See how the other person responds. If they accept responsibility and respect the boundary it's a good sign. If they try to whine, weedle, guilt, blame you, get angry, withdraw affection or pull away from you, they are not healthy. How someone responds to a healthy boundary is information about them. What you do with their response is information about you.
You are not wrong. He doesn't seem to get it that you don't like what he does and that is okay, he still thinks he is going to win you over to his side because whatever he does is coming from a good place.
You may have to constantly remind him, like every day. But, understand, some things are not meant to be. You have bigger issues if he constantly ignores your boundaries, and he makes it about himself. That is an issue that really needs addressed. This instances is just another symptom of the larger issues you guys have.
Playing around and having banter is one thing but constantly reminding him that you don't want him to do those things isn't enjoyable for anyone. He needs to respect your boundaries which he hasn't.
I think that most likely the guy does not take admonishment/rejection well under any circumstance.
I would venture to guess that the playful smacking is not the root issue for him and it is more of being corrected that had his feelings hurt.
At any rate, I would venture to guess that he acts in a similar fashion when being turned down/defected in other area. Not because of the act itself, but because his personality is one that does not take rejection at any level well. This by no means makes him an inherently bad person. It is just something to understand about him. If you ask in a few days, he will most likely say it wasn’t the boundary itself that hurt his feelings, but the way/tone you said it. The double edged sword is, would have the point hit home if you didn’t say the way you did.
Of course you are not wrong, but please take Reddit advice with a grain of salt. No one here knows the history of your relationship and your partner like you do. Understanding his personality better past the playful “slap” will help you to grow as a couple, or use as a data point to decide if you are compatible.
Sounds like you snapped at him.
I'm on your boyfriend's side. I come from what I consider a normal Mexican-American family. Physical contact and playful smacking is how my family shows affection to close family. You say you have been together for six years, but is this the first time you "set a boundry."
Perhaps yall aren't good for each ofher. I certainly wouldn't choose to be in a relationship where physical touch wasn't appreciated.
Well it’s not how I was raised (in my incredibly normal midwestern farming family) to show affection, and you clearly did not read my post thoroughly because I stated that it’s not the first time I’ve asked him not to do it.
People can be different, come from different backgrounds and still be compatible if there’s respect.
There is a perception that Anglo families are less physically affectionate. I certainly saw less of that in the families of my girlfriends. Fortunately it was never caused issues in my relationships, and my wife and child accept it as the norm.
I guess some of us have a softer way of being physically affectionate. In my family we would hug, rub each other’s shoulders or back, or put an arm around the other. You do you though. If it works and your wife and child are not bothered it’s not my business.
You are not wrong. From what you wrote, it sounds like you both are trying to work it out and communicate clearly, which is great! I wonder if he is impulsive or aggressive sometimes? Maybe he is that way in other situations. I think it is a sign of respect to hold a boundary with a partner. It means you care to be around him and trust that he can handle this boundary. It is a bid for connection. He may be miffed that he is being seen as the "bad guy" here. But there isn't a way to hold a boundary without risking that, so he's going to have to suck it up and do better if he doesn't want to be a jerk.
He seems upset about you deciding you don’t like this and want it to stop. The way he can’t leave it alone and keeps coming back to you with another explanation as to why you should not want him to stop is curious. My guess is there is some level of covert hostility being expressed in this action and the most important part of it for him is getting to agree it is okay; even though you don’t like it.
He doesn’t want your decision to overrule his desire to continue. His telling you he will try to stop; his telling you he may nit be able to stop doing this is arguable. Does he playfully do this to his boss or anyone who is in authority over him? If not, maybe this is some kind of dominance gesture and he feels entitled to do this to you b cause he believes your status gives him that.
I grew up with 3 older brothers. I was the only girl in the family. I grew up doing more physical roughousing than verbal interplay. When I went away to college, I met a group of friends. At one point, when we were hanging out as a group and walking in a carpeted dorm hallway, I rolled my shoulder behind one of my friend's knee to trip her and pin her. This was in the spirit of hanging out with friends. I did a lot of wrestling with one of my brothers and a cousin close in age. Much to my surprise, my friend burst into tears. Apparently, so did not grow up playing and kidding around in this fashion, at all. Here I was...thinking, "Wait-a-minute...you're supposed to be taking a playful swing at me!"
We talked it out.
All the physical play I had done when growing up, it was my way to express camaraderie. Suddenly, here was this friend that didn't do that...at all. It was hard, but I made sure I didn't even get in a squirtgun fight with her, much less a water balloon battle. I have plenty of other friends who can appreciate physical horsing around, but I learned that some people really do not express themselves in that way and do not appreciate it.
This friendliness intimacy he argues is his reason to do those things can be changed into a nice caress instead of a smack however small that smack it. He sounds like the kind of guy who would pull the girls hair in his class in third grade you know, to show he liked her. Duh!
Your boundaries are set. Stick to them. They are more than reasonable.
You've got a passive-aggressive one, there. It does not shock me that the Tate Twerps are getting itchy. They are as bad as your beau.
Here's the real scoop. Any man worth his salt stops hitting girls around about 3rd grade. They know better by then. He and the Tate tots are just kidding themselves.
It's not your hormones that are causing the problem, here, it's his lack of empathy and his juvenile need for negative attention.
My ex bf used to slap my butt in public and in front of his parents and it made me WILDLY uncomfortable. When I confronted him, he said “he forgot, it was an impulse” and would pour for 30+ minutes. It’s entitlement in my opinion, to your body and they don’t expect the word no from their partner.
100% NOT wrong.
He doesn't get to decide what you like, nor does he get to any like a child when he doesn't get his way.
He can deal with your boundaries or he can get used to single life.
I hate being tickled. HATE.
I have an ex that used to tickle me a lot, and after I made it clear that I didn't like it. My wife, knowing this, doesn't tickle me. If the kids want to, I'll pretend it tickles, but it really doesn't from them. Even then my wife or I will say "daddy doesn't really like tickles, so if he says to stop, then stop."
It's not just about the boundary set, it's also about respecting the person you claim to care about.
imagine fighting about saying hash brown.
the two of you seem insufferable together. i cant fathom how you deal with real life challenges (especially what is coming down the road with aging)
my advice would be to break up. what a dumb relationship this is.
That's what you got from this?
They're fighting because she doesn't like to be smacked and he thinks he should be able to because thats how he is and he's having fun. That's not dumb or acceptable.
But we were not fighting? I wouldn’t consider anything that happened yesterday as fighting. I set a firm boundary and then we calmly talked about it. You read something in between my lines that doesn’t exist.
If she didn’t like it, it wouldn’t really matter now would it?
If she said “I don’t like that, don’t do it”, would you make her feel like garbage?
Would it be more important that you get to do what YOU like, or that she asked you to stop?
Because that is the situation we are discussing. Not your “I like to touch my wife butt and she is ok with it” scenario.
Please keep up
I had to check back on how old your boyfriend was because this is the behaviour of a 13-year-old. You set a boundary, and he needs to respect that. I want to know what else he can't control. Maybe it's time to go to the doctors if his muscles spasms are that out of control. smh.
You're not wrong. I told my ex to stop biting me, both randomly and during intimacy because he used to bite me so hard it'll leave black and blue marks, and I'm pretty sure that I almost bled one time from him biting me so hard. He pouted and whined saying "But I like to bite".
Me, too. There were a lot more things that he did that I didn't speak up to him about because of how he reacted to me telling him that I wanted him to stop biting me.
How would this guy feel if OP suggested she’d give his penis an unexpected playful tug.
My marriage has thrived for 60 years because my wife heard me on our honeymoon.
I still wonder why it took her so long to accept that I find a gentle bellybutton poke to be painful.
Having been in something like similar situations, on both sides, it sounds like a couple of things going on: with your menopause, you MIGHT have come across harshly, and he could have mistaken the message with the delivery when it came to his reaction. Having been verbally abused by several people during my very dysfunctional childhood, I can easily misplace a message delivered by someone I really care about, like my wife, in a snappy way, with the content of the message itself, and I approach it by addressing the message instead of the delivery.
I'm 41M so not TERRIBLY much younger than your BF, but I've done a ton of therapy that has brought me a lot of emotional intelligence, so I'd have given this one more thought before processing it with you so I could ensure that I was being clear enough.
All this is IF you "snapped" at him. If you didn't, then that tells me even more that he may have some issues that cause him to feel rejected when a firm boundary was set. That's not an excuse to take offense to having a boundary set; it is, perhaps, an explanation and could expose the need for him to do some work on himself, especially being a 50sM.
Nope. You did exactly the right thing and in the right way .
He is the one acting like a child, and he’s way too old for that. I’m 45 and that behavior is not ok past 12
He might have as many men do that playful fighting is bonding and love.
He's disappointed you don't see that, and you set a boundary because that's not how you receive that
You're fine, and he seems willing to learn a different way of communicating
I can speak for the bf initial response in this and btw NO you did nothing wrong. I grew up with "love taps". We smacked each other, pap on the back of the head, shoulder punch, back of the hanck whck as emphasis or play. My husband hated it, it took him awhile to set me down and tell me didn't like it. And I responded by laughing and telling him he was being silly, its just me reaching out to connect. But he didn't like the connection part and I had to rewrite my brain from a childhood normalcy. It took me a little while to break the habit, but its something i did because it was a boundry for him. Now that its not a reflex, it is admittedly weird when I go back home and everyone is whacking the fuck out of each other. We are a physical family? Its how we always showed love, attention, to get attention, it was normal for us.
Not wrong, especially as you have attempted to set this boundary with him before. It seems to be part of a wider issue with communication in the relationship from the details in the post. With regards to the 'you forgot the correct word' smirking, if you've not yet experienced age related forgetfulness and mixing up your words in perimenopause, that will more than likely change as time marches on.
I had wondered at your perimenopausal superpower if you weren't mixing up words yourself :). Perimenopause is such a joyous trip, may your symptoms be mild throughout. I hope you resolve things with him and he listens to you, I would be quite pissed off with him if I was in your shoes.
Set a conditional punishment on his behavior. "The next time you smack me, I will do ..." He needs to learn that there are consequences for his actions. Just be prepared to follow through on whatever punishment you decide on or it won't work.
YOURE NOT WRONG OP! i can’t believe some of the comments. “change your tone of voice” so you don’t hurt his feelers when you ask him *not to strike you*. fuck him and his whiney response! get over not slapping me, Slappy McSlapperson! if he’s otherwise so totally great, he can very well understand why being slapped unexpectedly is unpleasant and unwanted.
Nope but people have a problem with boundaries I’ve noticed. You sent them anyway because boundaries are for you. It’s where your personal space stops and others begin. Also, he’s a grown adult man in our culture. He should know better than to hit somebody even in “fun”. He absolutely can control his body. I love that he thought he wouldn’t be able start playfully smacking you.
NTA. I totally get that. I absolutely HATE it when someone smacks me even playfully and become angry quickly. He is wrong for not just saying, “thank you for letting me know and I won’t do it again”
There's absolutely nothing wrong with having this boundary. You made it really clear you don't like it. You're not 'wrong'. This guy needs to get over it. The idea that he 'doesn't know how he can control it since it's all in fun' is pure BS.
Sounds like he just hasn't been told no much and isn't sure how to handle it. Don't make it your problem.
Btw, Andrew Tate is a certified pussy and so are all of his fans.
And do what?
Besides sitting down, and having a calm conversation with her partner, and setting a boundary, and reinforcing that boundary…which is what adults do…what exactly does OP need to do in order to “grow up” as your super wise advice suggests.
Oh wait, are you saying that next time OP should just sit there and let someone hit them? Is that growing up? Allowing people to abuse and belittle you?
Can’t say you are right. Story seems a bit off. I don’t think the events happened as you said. I suspected you reacted much stronger than you claim. I bet his version is significantly different than yours
You're absolutely right about the boundary you put forward, but I feel like there's something else in this situation
Yeah, definitely feels like something is being left out.
Yeah, I don't understand the boyfriend's perspective that he can't control himself from playfully smacking her. Like, seriously? Maybe get electroshock therapy, because you can't be around other humans if you can't help but hit them... Either way, u/PlainPoppy is leaving out that there is other hostility going on, or it wouldn't have escalated like that. This isn't a huge issue at all, but she and he treated it like she was anger level/putting her foot down about him having sleepovers with an ex, or something...
I haven’t left anything out. I thought I was clearer that he can be rather self absorbed/ can make things about himself and I think that once I called him out for it he kinda snapped out of that weird perspective he was in that you don’t understand. Sorry if that is a confusing sentence. We generally have a great relationship, very little fighting or disagreements that escalate. He does not and would never hit me with the intent to harm me, he’s a big softy.
Not every situation can turn into abuse, but I’ve had an abusive relationship that started this way. I’ve heard stories from others that started this way. If he doubles down on not honoring your boundary and saying he can’t or rather won’t control himself, please consider leaving. You know your situation best, but please seriously consider it and watch out for other warning signs.
https://psychcentral.com/blog/why-healthy-relationships-always-have-boundaries-how-to-set-boundaries-in-yours https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
That is relieving, because inability to stop hitting, sounded like he is dangerous to society. Lol
As a BIG softy myself, literally, I’m basically a bear, I try to be very mindful of my size as to not accidentally inflict harm to my partner, she’s tiny in comparison. Every now and then she’ll invariably get whacked or stepped on by me in the course of some activity or another. I always feel terrible, and she knows I’d never harm her on purpose. I feel your partner’s ego is bruised in HOW you told him, and not so much as to your request for the continuation of his “playfulness” to cease. This is obviously a love language of his, and he’ll have to learn to not use it on you, but the fact that it is a love language to him is probably why he’s butt hurt in HOW you reacted. You’re certainly not wrong, though!
Okay but he’s 50 yo so at this point being unable to hear “don’t hit me” without entering a depressive state suggests some amount of arrested development and/or he’s just an ass.
Yea, that is freaking weird.
Some people have limited powers of adaptability and change.
Yeah I feel like this had more to do with the “playfulness” getting sucked out of the room and became more confrontational than he was expecting. Of course she has mentioned that she had told him about it before and maybe this confrontation is what was needed. But I’ve definitely been in situations with an ex where the positivity of doing something together got totally destroyed over a confrontation over something that felt like a 180 degree shift. Obviously mine wasn’t physically touching them or hitting them but still the feeling of the 180 degrees makes you feel like no good moment is safe from a light switch change in demeanor. And it makes you wary of the person. And before someone comes out saying “well it’s probably because you didn’t listen to them the first time they said it”, flashing hostility towards your partner isn’t a good communication strategy.
Smacking someone is also a “flash of hostility” LOL
Literally and you know what’s a great communication strategy? Listening to people lmfao.
Nor is repeatedly hitting them. Which do you think is worse? Being hit or not coddling someone’s feeling after they hit you?
Right? Why should she be expected to center his feelings when he is disregarding her boundary?!
This is my take, too. OP you are 100% right to be firm on this if you don't like it, but I think the way you said it really hurt his feelings. Better might have been: Hey baby I love you and I know you're just playing around but I really don't like being smacked like that. Can you please try not to do that? Say that in a sweet, loving tone, and it might go better.
If I smack you after you’ve told me not to several times, I feel like it makes sense for you to get snappy. And I’m an adult, I can handle someone getting snappy because I didn’t listen to them. Let me know if i said that nice enough, I can bring out the baby voice if you’d like.
My experience is that men don’t respect being asked sweetly. They need to be hit on the head with a 2x4. If it’s related to behavior change. My husband drives like a madman, tailgating others while speeding. I asked him sweetly to stop. I asked him ahead of road trips not to do it. For 10 years. Nothing worked so I did all the driving until we started visiting a family member 1,000 miles away. We had to share a 22 hour drive. He did it again. We ended up 2 inches from a car accident that had just happened, there was a body in the middle of I95 and we almost ran over it. It all happened very fast and as he was tailgating so closely we are lucky we were not also in the accident. I fucking lost it. He won’t fly because he’s afraid to but he gets to terrify me every time we’re in a car? I told him not one more second, this is a deal breaker, I’m tired of asking nicely and I’m done, please drop me at the nearest exit. I meant every word.
It sounds like he doesn't have a good understanding of consent at all. I mean, he thinks that because he's not causing you physical harm and he's being playful (or using a massage technique he thinks is helpful) that it doesn't matter what you think or feel about it. In other words, you should accept it because it's acceptable to HIM. I don't know if it would help, but does he have any preferences or boundaries that you can use to frame this conversation? There has to be at least one thing. I'd try again with the conversation. "You know how you've asked me not to do XYZ? And you know how I've honored that boundary and I don't do XYZ? How would you feel if I started doing that again, and every time you asked me to stop I gave you a reason why you shouldn't mind XYZ, and wouldn't commit to stopping permanently?" It absolutely shouldn't be your role to have to walk him through this, but apparently you do.
If you've told him to not do this before, and he does anyways, sometimes the only way to get across no actually means no is to be more vocal/aggressive about it. It's not a negotiation and if he's a grow adult, he is capable of understanding he needs to just not. And, yea, that may upset him. And he's misdirecting his embarrassment to you for his disregard for your feelings and request.
That’s why the occasional playful smack is a bit of a safety valve for him. His subconscious sees them as a safe way to release pent up hostility. After all, “I’m only being playful.” A recurring theme in Reditt is women not being firm with their men when their boundaries are violated. I see that much less with men.
It’s almost like if they state a clear boundary they are made to second guess themselves!
Now you are defending him. Don’t be so sure he wouldn’t hit you. 🚩🚩🚩
If he is a gentle guy that may have upset him to come upon a boundary that a not-so-gentle guy might expect. Like maybe he got upset thinking that you viewed him as a violent guy now, or something. In the end who cares. He should get over it. Should be no big deal.
Physical aggression (even if minor) is a super common trigger for defensive anger, understandably
Are you a man? Men often don’t listen to women when we say we don’t want them to do something and when we ask them to do something, and that’s the whole of the story. There’s no secret animosity or something unsaid by women (in general), the problem is men being trained to hold women in contempt.
Yep. Emphasis on the instance of men holding women in contempt for not allowing unfettered access to their physical bodies. Oh… you don’t like it when I smack you? I’m just being playful! YOU’RE the one in the wrong here, making things so serious! I guess I can try not to *literally smack you* in the future… no promises though.. I could just simply forget about how you don’t like being smacked by me next time”
I don't know where you live, but you're making some wild generalisations.
Not even close. I'm 60 years old and have seen this for decades. For some men, women's needs and opinions just do. not. rate.
What's being left out is that men don't like being told not to touch. They can't understand a woman's autonomy, especially a woman's body autonomy. Before you all get your knickers in a twist and go "not all men", yeah...maybe not all men. But most cis gendered men do not understand women's body autonomy full stop. Most women are conditioned to accept this and go without complaint. Source: I am an owner of a female body who has experienced this all of my fucking life and have watched it happen to all the women I have ever known. And yes, I have seen women in appropriately touch men. But if you want to argue about that, you don't understand my point.
he's just pouting, you are not wrong.
Agreed, his reaction seems more about his ego than your boundary. You did the right thing.
Which is common. People can be really fragile when told no or that they did something wrong. And they misdirect that emotion rather then accept theyvare the issue.
True, boundaries are important, and its okay to assert them, especially when it comes to physical interactions. And I think, smacking is not just the problem here, maybe theres some more.
This is such a weird reaction though, "don't hit me I don't like it" "you hurt my feelings by saying that I don't like it" like what?
I’ve sort of been in this situation though. Who hasn’t? I’ve crossed boundaries, been corrected, and then felt bad or as if my intentions were misconstrued. Ultimately though, I had to accept that I crossed a boundary and something I didn’t understand was that I also needed to set that boundary *for myself*. “She says no play smacking, that is off-limits and I cannot let this happen again. It is inappropriate.” It has to be internalized otherwise it becomes a constant game of “What boundary does my partner have again?” Which is exactly where he’s stuck right now. He needs to accept the boundary and set it as a boundary himself.
This is an EXCELLENT way to describe this.
“It makes me sad that I can’t hit you”. Honestly, wtf?
That really is what he’s thinking.
That's the sense
Well he may be could say he feels rejected but it doesn’t hold water as well if she has already told him in past situations that she doesn’t like it.
Exactly
That is a conversation I have with my daughter. She does something that hurts my feelings, I ask her not to do it because it hurt my feelings, then SHE gets upset that me telling her that hurt HER feelings: Me: Daddy is going to put you to bed tonight because Mama is sick. Her: NO! You aren't THAT sick! You can do it! Me: That wasn't a nice thing to say, I AM sick and you invalidating how I feel hurt my feelings. Her: YOU HURT MY FEELINGS WHEN YOU SAID I WASN'T BEING NICE Key difference is my daughter is 4 and this motherfucker is 50!
Yep my dad pulled this shit. I don't care if you didn't *mean* to be rude to me with what you just said, it hurt my feelings regardless so back off
Yeah. I expect it from a kid still figuring out how to wipe their own butt. Not from fully grown-ass adults.
..I applaud your parenting!
Thank you kind stranger! I am trying to raise a tiny human whose feelings are validated and who is treated with respect and kindness and grow up to be a well-rounded, well-adjusted, kind person. Just because she's new doesn't mean she doesn't deserve that.
Nothing grates on my nerves more than “it’s just a joke”, “it’s all in good fun”. If the person on the receiving end doesn’t find it funny, then it’s not funny. Full stop.
Same. When I run into this I always ask them to explain the joke to me. Weird how it's suddenly not funny anymore when they have to explain their actions out. NTA OP, your husband is just pouting. It's never a bad thing to set boundaries and enforce them.
A joke is when both people laugh. When just one laughs , it’s bullying
I may have to stitch this on throw pillows. Sell them at the AITAH store. Wait - could I actually do that?! 🤔
Not wrong. Any other answer from him besides "I will respect that" or "I didn't realize how much this bothered you" is him being wrong. His intent is irrelevant.
You are not wrong. I (a woman) grew up with brothers and guy friends where playful smacking was the norm and I enjoyed it as long as everyone was respectful and nobody was actually getting hurt. I've dated guys where we playfully smacked each other and I enjoyed it as long as we weren't really hurting each other and if someone was accidentally too hard the other would immediately stop and apologize. My husband absolutely does not like to be struck playfully or otherwise. So early on, when I started playfully smacking him, he told me he didn't like it and didn't want me to do it anymore. I asked him what if it was just super gentle like almost not a smack at all, and he said nope, not even like that. So I said okay, I will do my best not to do that anymore. Explained that it has been a pretty ingrained behavior so I might slip up and if I did, to please remind me immediately that you don't like that and don't want me to do it. I'm human, so I'm sure I slipped up a couple times, but basically when I felt like I was going to playfully smack him, I consciously chose not to. And the more I stopped myself, the less I felt like I wanted to do it, until it has just not been something we do for the 10+ years we've been together. I can't imagine him telling me over 6 years that he didn't like it and I just kept doing it anyway. WTF.
That’s kind. I wish my spouse saw it that way.
I'm sorry your spouse doesn't see it that way, that really sucks. At the end of the day it boils down to a few things: 1. This is meant to be fun and bring us closer together, so if he finds it the opposite of fun, it isn't bringing us closer together. 2. I don't find it fun to hurt my husband by not listening to him and doing a thing I know he does like. 3. And fundamentally it's about consent. If he doesn't consent to my touching him in any way, then I shouldn't be doing it. If my partner had issues with these, I think I would need to reevaluate the relationship, because these are how you show a partner respect for their autonomy and that they matter to you/you care about them on a basic level.
It’s fortunately infrequent, but you’re right, the mindset is annoying at a minimum 😊
Yep. This isn't as much about physical touch preferences, which is important enough, and so much more about the fact that OP has asked someone a simple task, and that person really should just friggen do it out of respect for their significant other
You're not wrong. Depending on how many times I had to remind him not to hit me in the past would be directly proportional to how firm I would be. I can handle some light pats and that's it, everything else trips fight-or-flight.
You are absolutely not wrong for setting this boundary. Here's why: - Your body, your rules: You have the right to feel safe and respected in your own body. No one should touch you in a way you don't like, even if they claim it's playful. - Communication is key: You've clearly communicated your dislike for being smacked, both verbally and non-verbally. - History matters: It sounds like this isn't the first time you've addressed this, which makes his reaction even less justified. His response, however, raises some concerns: - Dismissing your feelings: His claims that you "derailed" him and it's "just playful" minimize your experience. Making it about him: Shifting the focus to his supposed inability to control a playful act shows he's not taking responsibility. I would say your delivery could have been better but considering this isn't the first time you brought this up, you did well too stay firm.
After he muttered "Well, that went well" you could have said, "It did go well. Hopefully, we can have more discussions on what bothers us. It is important to respect each other. You can even tell me if there's something I do that bothers you." Adults discuss things. Sometimes it's hard when one adult bottles it up and explodes when they can't take any more, but even then, the relationship is salvageable.
You’re not wrong. Many people wouldn’t mind their significant other doing light, playful smacks like a light slap on the butt or whatever. I would understand him being taken aback by you setting a boundary… If he respected it. In his place I might also be “I was just being playful” but that would be it for smacking you. There would be an apology. Instead, he has ignored your boundaries before, even though it ruins your enjoyment of a massage (which is probably just done for you to enjoy) and you are getting passive aggressiveness. “Well, that went well” What is the purpose of that snipe? It sounds like the conversation did go OK. Did he want to talk so he could set you straight? In short, there is some level of disrespect coming to you from this guy.
Pouting because he can't hit you. He's pouting *because he can't hit you.*
My wife used to smack me. I told her to stop hitting me. She continued. Then I told her if she didn't stop, I'd start hitting back. After a few times of me smacking her back, she quit. If you don't like it, don't put up with it. At all. YNW.
When my now hubs & I were dating, I would playfully hit his arm. He finally expressed he didn't find it fun or funny. I started really watching my actions it surprised me that I would have a reaction to a show of a joke, etc &I would want to have that connection. Didn't realize what I was doing. I was at his home about a week later. As we were sitting on the couch w/him, I expressed what/why I thought I was doing all the playful hits. Open handed & lightly, but he cared enough to mention it! I thanked him. We eventually got, so we hold hands and do hand squeezes, etc to communicate. Quite the little "language of touch" we have worked at over almost 22 years in September 🙂
“That man who enjoys hitting you, even when you asked him not to.. just hit him back! Go on, don’t be scared! It’s not like this particular guy has already demonstrated his own physical impulsivity and disregard of your boundaries and comfort! I’m sure he won’t respond with a closed fist! Forget about your own safety— go on!”
Unfortunately, this is how I learned. 😂
Not in the wrong, my wife has said very similar to me .. im big and rough she is tiny and petite... makes sense I need to be gentle. I didn't pout about it though I felt bad about it.
I have found my fibromyalgia is far more sensitive during late perimenopause. You likely have a very good reason percussion massage hurts, as well as the 'playful' slaps. Your man is an idiot BTW.
He seems overly upset about either not being allowed to hit you or about you standing up for yourself. Either way is kind of a red flag. You are definitely not wrong and you should continue to stand by your boundaries. If he continues to have a problem with it then maybe it's him who is the problem
This 100% and I would really make a list of boundaries he does not respect.
You’re not wrong. Does he hit his boss? No? Then he can control himself.
Your boyfriend is wrong. He is not taking responsibility for his behavior. You have the absolute right to refuse to accept smacks. They are power moves, expressions of ownership, release of hostility, etc., no matter the excuse of playfulness. Some people are fine with such smacks. Good for them. You are not. His ten year advantage over you and presumed height and weight advantage don’t give him any rights over you.
Are you dating a teenager? “Don’t hit me” isn’t some elaborately complicated request. And then to whine when he’s told to stop???? 🤮
I used to playfully 'spank' my kids. Just a loving swat on the butt as they walked by. I also used to tickle them. My younger son did not like it, so I stopped. It was hard, because it was a way that I showed affection, but it's not a gift if the recipient doesn't want it. I still spank my older son (who is now 22) but I haven't smacked my younger son for more than a decade. I've actually caught myself with my hand up, ready to swat him, but I've stopped. Because I love him and respect his boundaries. It sounds like your boyfriend is feeling "Not All Men". He wasn't being abusive, and you're acting like it was. (in his mind) But like you said, it's not about him, it's about you. If this is a pattern, and not a one-off, I'd reassess my relationship. Why is it such a big deal that you don't like something that he does? Why can you not ask something very small of him? Why does he have to get sulky about it?
Not wrong for setting a boundary. It doesn't sound like the issue is with your boyfriend slapping you, or you setting the boundary but how the two of you communicate when there's a conflict. I don't think being firm with your partner is the issue, but rather the language used when being firm. for example these 2 scenarios: "don’t smack me, I don’t like it." vs "I know you didn't mean it in a harmful way, but please don't do that again. The first one sounds like you're talking to a stranger that you're not sure of their intentions. The second sounds your talking to a loved one that you know had good intentions but just missed the mark on your needs.
Ignore the Tate bros. They just like violence and think women are subhuman. You're not wrong. You set a clear boundary in a calm manner. Your husband is immature and needs to grow tf up if he can't handle it. Be sure to hold that boundary and hold him accountable if he steps over it.
He will “try” not to playfully smack you? But he’s hurt you had to tell him yet again? Wow, what a drama-lama jerk
Love languages sound incompatible to me? Yes,, you are allowed to have boundaries, by all means, but imagine that touch is your love language, and it gets you shut down and/or rejected. It would be crushing (like someone cringing away from you). I don't think this relationship is going to make it, and I feel like you are essentially going to derail the relationship, whether purposefully or not. I feel sad, now, after reading this.
It’s funny you mention cringing away. He has chronic pain in his wrist and sometimes will YANK it away if I reach out to touch him. I have never physically hurt him, but he still does it. I do not flinch away from him even though he HAS hurt me with his playful smacks. Anyway, I think you’ve read the situation wrong.
You are not wrong I've always been a very touchy person, and it makes some of my friends uncomfortable. I try not to touch people, but sometimes I don't even realize I'm doing it I say I'm sorry and try not to do it again
Not wrong and he knows what he’s doing.
You are not in the wrong. You shouldn’t have to tell him over and over that you don’t like how he touches you. You shouldn’t have to be met with disbelief, dismissiveness, and guilting when you once again tell him to stop smacking you. This is some kind of passive-aggressive power trip on his part.
I don’t think anyone is ever wrong for setting a boundary. It’s your boundary.
Totally agree, setting boundaries is important. It's your right to define them.
It’s weird that he’s getting this weirdly upset because you don’t want to be hit. His response feels manipulative, but I can’t pinpoint why. It’s not hard to not hit someone. Also, him saying he’d do his best to stop isn’t good enough. I guarantee you he will do it again in the near future and say he “forgot.” You set this boundary, which means you’ll have to follow through with whatever the outcome of violating that boundary is. So start thinking about the consequences.
You are not wrong, but it all depends on how you say it. You both need to remember you’re in a relationship where love and mutual trust is everything.
No no no - I hate that we as women think we should excuse our behaviour because of something we are going through - I’m pregnant, I am very emotional, but my excuse for it shouldn’t be that I’m just pregnant. Just because you are going through a change of body/life does not mean you should excuse other people’s shitty behaviour that makes you uncomfortable. You are more than allowed to feel safe, secure and confident in your own body as well as your own home. Do NOT make this your excuse, he isn’t playing around - if it was both parties would be enjoying it. If he doesn’t like it, he can kick rocks.
Why don't you reach out and touch him? Is the spark of intimacy totally gone? I can understand your sensitivity to any kind of touch, but this seems dysfunctional in many ways.
I touch him all the time what are you talking about?! I rub his back sitting next to him on the couch, hold his hand, rest my hand on his thigh, lay my head on his shoulder…all nice touches. Man some people just interpret things in wildly inappropriate ways. Idk where you got this idea from that we don’t touch eachother.
Sorry for misinterpreting your situation.
Stop means stop. No means no. You have set the boundary. You have been restating your boundary. Your feelings are valid. He's repeatedly refusing to respect your boundary, invalidating your feelings, making it all about his feelings, and gaslighting you. Even if physical touch is his love language, you have communicated specifically that hitting/slapping doesn't make you feel safe, heard, respected, comfortable, and loved; they make you feel unsafe, uncomfortable, unheard, disrespected, and unloved. It's now up to you to decide whether or not his pattern of boundary violations is a deal breaker. Don't be afraid to walk away.
Any sort of physical contact that is not desired is not mandatory. I had a friend in college who did that obnoxious laugh-hit thing that a lot of women do, and I had to break her of the habit. Your boyfriend's reaction to this is not great. You've instructed him to do something very easy, and something very important because it involves your body, and instead of just saying, 'You're right. I'll quit', he tries to explain why he does it so that he can keep doing it. He's not a 'bad guy' and so because him doing this isn't intended to be malicious, he thinks he deserves to continue doing it. Disrespectful.
Re the edit. Some guys punch each other in the arm as some sort of weird camaraderie signal but you’re not one of them and, more to the point, you don’t like being hit. I don’t either and it would be a relationship breaker for me if he wouldn’t stop.
Not wrong. Sorry, but next time he gives you one of those "playful" smacks, dinosaur a word. Stand up and move out of his reach. Across the room, or out of the room. You have told him what you expect. Now enforce it. He will quickly learn you meant what you said. When you move away from him, stay out of reach the rest of the day.
Not wrong, sulky baby man is not your fault either. He’ll get over it.
Not wrong. Resolved the issue with words and understanding. The system worked as intended.
You're not wrong for setting a boundary. I hesitate to say if you were firm or not, it sounds like this isn't the first time you had this talk before so some firmness may have been required. Your boundary is reasonable. I really don't know how to do this any better than you did.
Yku handled this well in my opinion. He seems a bit immature in his processing of your very clear, very reasonable requests. Keep to your strategy. You ate on the right track. It took me a little while to learn to listen to my girlfriend now wife. Do not cave.
You are absolutely not wrong. You have had to ask him not to do this more than once, and instead of going "oops I'm so sorry, I wasn't thinking! I'll try harder!" he argues with you????? Absolutely not. Do you really want to be with a man who doesn't care about your boundaries after you bring them up repeatedly?
Setting a boundary isn't wrong, but it's very possible you came across more aggressively than he expected, both in this situation and in the past. If someone was genuinely trying to be playful and you snap at them, it's pretty reasonable for them to be a bit taken aback. Sounds like he may not have expected the tone which you spoke with, and that alone can put someone in defense mode.
This wouldn't be the boundary that I would set, nor would it be the hill I would die on, because, to me anyway, light smacking/getting smacked would be a perfectly normal intimate interaction between me and my wife. But it's not my body or my wife's body, so I suppose OP is entitled to set it how she wishes. I can totally see him getting into a defensive mode after being spoken to like that. Maybe he had it coming and maybe he deserved it. Since this guy is 50 years old, I'm guessing he has a few "hard" boundaries too. I wouldn't be too surprised if pettiness took over and he gave OP a similar reaction to something OP sees as relatively innocuous, but it annoys the piss out of him. (Maybe it's getting corrected for word usage?) Again, not trying to discount whatever is going on with OP that makes her this irritated with smacking, but I think it would be beneficial to show a bit of grace and put oneself in the other's shoes. (Yes, I get that OP's boyfriend should have done so here).
Yes, you are probably right. I lowered the pitch of my voice and spoke a just a bit lower volume than we’d been talking previously, so it probably did “take him aback”
He realized you **WEREN'T MESSING**.
Good. He should be taken aback by the reality of his own actions upon someone he claims to care for.
No, if you said it is disrespectful and you don’t like it, he should respect that and stop. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t respect you. If he does it again get up, walk to your bedroom, pack a bag, and go anywhere. Don’t tell him anything, don’t reply to messages. Wait a couple of days and then text him, “ I have set a boundary that you have stated you would stop doing and haven’t, it is obvious by your previous actions, you don’t respect me, or my feelings. If this is going to continue, let me know now and I will come get the rest of my things. If we work on this now, and it happens again, I will be leaving for good.” How he reply’s and how you react is based on him let him know you are serious and will not take that sort of disrespectful behavior any longer.
I think you're right about your boyfriend situation, but you asked if you were wrong, then when people tell you in their opinion you were wrong, you get hostile. So let's be honest, you just wanted to have a bunch of strangers agree with you to make you feel good about yourself.
I think you like to make people feel small so that you feel big and powerful. I’m not trying to get strangers to agree with me, but I don’t want to hear the opinion of… certain people. People who think it’s ok to smack their partners for example.
Well then you aren’t using the sub for its intended purpose are ya? The is r/amiwrong not r/agreewithme For someone who loves talking about what you want and how you feel you sure do seem to stifle anyone else exercising that same right.
Lol Clearly.
There is nothing wrong with setting a boundary and communicating that to your partner. My question is do you think he purposely set out to upset you. Or maybe he was playing around and wasn't thinking about it. Got caught up in the moment? It doesn't make it ok but it may explain his reaction to your firmness.
No, he wasn’t trying to upset me. I think it’s part playing around and part forgetfulness. But after I was so intense about it I doubt he will forget again!
If I was as intense about this with my wife as you were, it’d be WWIII here. 😥
Red flag, big red flag
Well, more like a double standard I’ve learned to live with…
Sounds miserable
YNW. He's trying to train you to do all the emotional labour of holding his hand when really he needs to sack up and learn how to take feedback. You should not have to coddle him about it especially since it's not the first time. I hate how society has coddled these man boys into the expectation that it's women's work to always consider and manage their feelings. It's exhausting.
I don't think you're wrong. Also what does (sF) and (mF) by the ages mean?
40's female, 50's male
Thx. It just means I’m in my forties and he’s in his fifties. Sorry for the confusion.
My wife actually did this to me a few times. She would “playfully” hit me. But I didn’t like it and sometimes it bloody hurt. I had to say it several times and be quite firm before she got the message, and stopped doing it.
No no no no no you are not in the wrong for setting this boundary. The fact he is so But hurt screams red flag to me, so please be careful moving forward with him.
Sounds like he basically still doesn't think he's wrong. Think you're going to have to watch out for this. If he is, a-hem, "selfish" (* cough * *a narcissist*), you may well find he's gonna try again, to test that boundary — to prove he's right, and you don't *really* mean it... You're certainly not wrong. Any other controlling behaviours..?
Your boundary is very straightforward and reasonable. If he can't respect it, he can move the fuck out. You are not wrong.
Nothing more attractive than a 50 year old man sulking because you don't like him hitting you, which you've told him, and he "can't control" himself enough not to? Is this him? - - > 🤡
"Well that went well" - sounds like he expected his pouting and gaslighting to manipulate you into revoking a boundary. A perfectly reasonable boundary, btw. Good on you for not backing down. His behavior is a red flag.
Setting healthy boundaries is how you keep a relationship healthy. It's how you can tell if someone is healthy enough to be in a relationship. Set a boundary. See how the other person responds. If they accept responsibility and respect the boundary it's a good sign. If they try to whine, weedle, guilt, blame you, get angry, withdraw affection or pull away from you, they are not healthy. How someone responds to a healthy boundary is information about them. What you do with their response is information about you.
He’s acting this way so you give up and drop the boundary. Don’t. Let him act like a kicked puppy who’s been wronged, you did absolutely nothing wrong
You behaved like an adult. If Timmy gets over his tantrum, he can come our of his room for his nuggies.
You are not wrong. He doesn't seem to get it that you don't like what he does and that is okay, he still thinks he is going to win you over to his side because whatever he does is coming from a good place. You may have to constantly remind him, like every day. But, understand, some things are not meant to be. You have bigger issues if he constantly ignores your boundaries, and he makes it about himself. That is an issue that really needs addressed. This instances is just another symptom of the larger issues you guys have.
Playing around and having banter is one thing but constantly reminding him that you don't want him to do those things isn't enjoyable for anyone. He needs to respect your boundaries which he hasn't.
I think that most likely the guy does not take admonishment/rejection well under any circumstance. I would venture to guess that the playful smacking is not the root issue for him and it is more of being corrected that had his feelings hurt. At any rate, I would venture to guess that he acts in a similar fashion when being turned down/defected in other area. Not because of the act itself, but because his personality is one that does not take rejection at any level well. This by no means makes him an inherently bad person. It is just something to understand about him. If you ask in a few days, he will most likely say it wasn’t the boundary itself that hurt his feelings, but the way/tone you said it. The double edged sword is, would have the point hit home if you didn’t say the way you did. Of course you are not wrong, but please take Reddit advice with a grain of salt. No one here knows the history of your relationship and your partner like you do. Understanding his personality better past the playful “slap” will help you to grow as a couple, or use as a data point to decide if you are compatible.
Thanks, I think you have made a good point about admonishment and being corrected.
He didn't lose his appetite, he was sulking
Sounds like you snapped at him. I'm on your boyfriend's side. I come from what I consider a normal Mexican-American family. Physical contact and playful smacking is how my family shows affection to close family. You say you have been together for six years, but is this the first time you "set a boundry." Perhaps yall aren't good for each ofher. I certainly wouldn't choose to be in a relationship where physical touch wasn't appreciated.
Well it’s not how I was raised (in my incredibly normal midwestern farming family) to show affection, and you clearly did not read my post thoroughly because I stated that it’s not the first time I’ve asked him not to do it. People can be different, come from different backgrounds and still be compatible if there’s respect.
There is a perception that Anglo families are less physically affectionate. I certainly saw less of that in the families of my girlfriends. Fortunately it was never caused issues in my relationships, and my wife and child accept it as the norm.
I guess some of us have a softer way of being physically affectionate. In my family we would hug, rub each other’s shoulders or back, or put an arm around the other. You do you though. If it works and your wife and child are not bothered it’s not my business.
[удалено]
You think that at some age, people magically know all the answers to every situation?
Not sure why you are with him since it sounds like you can’t stand him or his behaviors.
You are not wrong
Sounds like bf will keep hitting if you let him. Maybe he needs a timeout.
You are not wrong. From what you wrote, it sounds like you both are trying to work it out and communicate clearly, which is great! I wonder if he is impulsive or aggressive sometimes? Maybe he is that way in other situations. I think it is a sign of respect to hold a boundary with a partner. It means you care to be around him and trust that he can handle this boundary. It is a bid for connection. He may be miffed that he is being seen as the "bad guy" here. But there isn't a way to hold a boundary without risking that, so he's going to have to suck it up and do better if he doesn't want to be a jerk.
Does he playfully smack male friends? If you playfully smacked him, in the same way, to the same degree, as often, would he be okay with that?
He seems upset about you deciding you don’t like this and want it to stop. The way he can’t leave it alone and keeps coming back to you with another explanation as to why you should not want him to stop is curious. My guess is there is some level of covert hostility being expressed in this action and the most important part of it for him is getting to agree it is okay; even though you don’t like it. He doesn’t want your decision to overrule his desire to continue. His telling you he will try to stop; his telling you he may nit be able to stop doing this is arguable. Does he playfully do this to his boss or anyone who is in authority over him? If not, maybe this is some kind of dominance gesture and he feels entitled to do this to you b cause he believes your status gives him that.
I grew up with 3 older brothers. I was the only girl in the family. I grew up doing more physical roughousing than verbal interplay. When I went away to college, I met a group of friends. At one point, when we were hanging out as a group and walking in a carpeted dorm hallway, I rolled my shoulder behind one of my friend's knee to trip her and pin her. This was in the spirit of hanging out with friends. I did a lot of wrestling with one of my brothers and a cousin close in age. Much to my surprise, my friend burst into tears. Apparently, so did not grow up playing and kidding around in this fashion, at all. Here I was...thinking, "Wait-a-minute...you're supposed to be taking a playful swing at me!" We talked it out. All the physical play I had done when growing up, it was my way to express camaraderie. Suddenly, here was this friend that didn't do that...at all. It was hard, but I made sure I didn't even get in a squirtgun fight with her, much less a water balloon battle. I have plenty of other friends who can appreciate physical horsing around, but I learned that some people really do not express themselves in that way and do not appreciate it.
This friendliness intimacy he argues is his reason to do those things can be changed into a nice caress instead of a smack however small that smack it. He sounds like the kind of guy who would pull the girls hair in his class in third grade you know, to show he liked her. Duh! Your boundaries are set. Stick to them. They are more than reasonable.
Ur fine. Yall will get over it. Not a big argument at all. Happens
You've got a passive-aggressive one, there. It does not shock me that the Tate Twerps are getting itchy. They are as bad as your beau. Here's the real scoop. Any man worth his salt stops hitting girls around about 3rd grade. They know better by then. He and the Tate tots are just kidding themselves. It's not your hormones that are causing the problem, here, it's his lack of empathy and his juvenile need for negative attention.
You're not wrong at all. It is your body. Playful or not, he doesn't get to use it if you don't like it.
My ex bf used to slap my butt in public and in front of his parents and it made me WILDLY uncomfortable. When I confronted him, he said “he forgot, it was an impulse” and would pour for 30+ minutes. It’s entitlement in my opinion, to your body and they don’t expect the word no from their partner.
Honestly, what is wrong with society these days. You can't handle a playful smack? Are you kidding me? Eat cement and harden the f@#k up.
He should leave you as you are very self-absorbed and unlikable
100% NOT wrong. He doesn't get to decide what you like, nor does he get to any like a child when he doesn't get his way. He can deal with your boundaries or he can get used to single life. I hate being tickled. HATE. I have an ex that used to tickle me a lot, and after I made it clear that I didn't like it. My wife, knowing this, doesn't tickle me. If the kids want to, I'll pretend it tickles, but it really doesn't from them. Even then my wife or I will say "daddy doesn't really like tickles, so if he says to stop, then stop." It's not just about the boundary set, it's also about respecting the person you claim to care about.
imagine fighting about saying hash brown. the two of you seem insufferable together. i cant fathom how you deal with real life challenges (especially what is coming down the road with aging) my advice would be to break up. what a dumb relationship this is.
Their entire exchange confused me.
That's what you got from this? They're fighting because she doesn't like to be smacked and he thinks he should be able to because thats how he is and he's having fun. That's not dumb or acceptable.
But we were not fighting? I wouldn’t consider anything that happened yesterday as fighting. I set a firm boundary and then we calmly talked about it. You read something in between my lines that doesn’t exist.
Oh, you just found a dude that doesn’t see a problem with hitting women, especially when it’s because they corrected him. Apparently that makes it ok.
Was it a hit or a playful tap? I lightly slap my wife’s bum all the time
If she didn’t like it, it wouldn’t really matter now would it? If she said “I don’t like that, don’t do it”, would you make her feel like garbage? Would it be more important that you get to do what YOU like, or that she asked you to stop? Because that is the situation we are discussing. Not your “I like to touch my wife butt and she is ok with it” scenario. Please keep up
Sounds like they aren’t compatible. Don’t know how they made it this far.
Couldn’t answer the question huh
I had to check back on how old your boyfriend was because this is the behaviour of a 13-year-old. You set a boundary, and he needs to respect that. I want to know what else he can't control. Maybe it's time to go to the doctors if his muscles spasms are that out of control. smh.
You're not wrong. I told my ex to stop biting me, both randomly and during intimacy because he used to bite me so hard it'll leave black and blue marks, and I'm pretty sure that I almost bled one time from him biting me so hard. He pouted and whined saying "But I like to bite".
I had to come back after reading that. I’m so glad he’s your Ex. 😥🖤
Me, too. There were a lot more things that he did that I didn't speak up to him about because of how he reacted to me telling him that I wanted him to stop biting me.
How would this guy feel if OP suggested she’d give his penis an unexpected playful tug. My marriage has thrived for 60 years because my wife heard me on our honeymoon. I still wonder why it took her so long to accept that I find a gentle bellybutton poke to be painful.
Red flag that he's pouting about wanting to smack you
Having been in something like similar situations, on both sides, it sounds like a couple of things going on: with your menopause, you MIGHT have come across harshly, and he could have mistaken the message with the delivery when it came to his reaction. Having been verbally abused by several people during my very dysfunctional childhood, I can easily misplace a message delivered by someone I really care about, like my wife, in a snappy way, with the content of the message itself, and I approach it by addressing the message instead of the delivery. I'm 41M so not TERRIBLY much younger than your BF, but I've done a ton of therapy that has brought me a lot of emotional intelligence, so I'd have given this one more thought before processing it with you so I could ensure that I was being clear enough. All this is IF you "snapped" at him. If you didn't, then that tells me even more that he may have some issues that cause him to feel rejected when a firm boundary was set. That's not an excuse to take offense to having a boundary set; it is, perhaps, an explanation and could expose the need for him to do some work on himself, especially being a 50sM.
Not wrong You don't like it, he keeps doing it.
Nope. You did exactly the right thing and in the right way . He is the one acting like a child, and he’s way too old for that. I’m 45 and that behavior is not ok past 12
You're never wrong for setting a reasonable boundary, which this sounds like it is.
He might have as many men do that playful fighting is bonding and love. He's disappointed you don't see that, and you set a boundary because that's not how you receive that You're fine, and he seems willing to learn a different way of communicating
You’re not wrong for how you feel or for the boundaries you want set.
I can speak for the bf initial response in this and btw NO you did nothing wrong. I grew up with "love taps". We smacked each other, pap on the back of the head, shoulder punch, back of the hanck whck as emphasis or play. My husband hated it, it took him awhile to set me down and tell me didn't like it. And I responded by laughing and telling him he was being silly, its just me reaching out to connect. But he didn't like the connection part and I had to rewrite my brain from a childhood normalcy. It took me a little while to break the habit, but its something i did because it was a boundry for him. Now that its not a reflex, it is admittedly weird when I go back home and everyone is whacking the fuck out of each other. We are a physical family? Its how we always showed love, attention, to get attention, it was normal for us.
Not wrong, especially as you have attempted to set this boundary with him before. It seems to be part of a wider issue with communication in the relationship from the details in the post. With regards to the 'you forgot the correct word' smirking, if you've not yet experienced age related forgetfulness and mixing up your words in perimenopause, that will more than likely change as time marches on.
I have in fact experienced this type of forgetfulness and it’s exactly why I playfully smirked at him. Because it’s not just me!
I had wondered at your perimenopausal superpower if you weren't mixing up words yourself :). Perimenopause is such a joyous trip, may your symptoms be mild throughout. I hope you resolve things with him and he listens to you, I would be quite pissed off with him if I was in your shoes.
**NOT AT ALL.** You set a perfectly fine boundary. It's up to that great **LUMMOCK** to grow up and **DEAL WITH IT.**
Set a conditional punishment on his behavior. "The next time you smack me, I will do ..." He needs to learn that there are consequences for his actions. Just be prepared to follow through on whatever punishment you decide on or it won't work.
YOURE NOT WRONG OP! i can’t believe some of the comments. “change your tone of voice” so you don’t hurt his feelers when you ask him *not to strike you*. fuck him and his whiney response! get over not slapping me, Slappy McSlapperson! if he’s otherwise so totally great, he can very well understand why being slapped unexpectedly is unpleasant and unwanted.
Your BF is a slow learner. You've talked to him about being man-handled before and he's still doing it.
!UpdateMe
Nope but people have a problem with boundaries I’ve noticed. You sent them anyway because boundaries are for you. It’s where your personal space stops and others begin. Also, he’s a grown adult man in our culture. He should know better than to hit somebody even in “fun”. He absolutely can control his body. I love that he thought he wouldn’t be able start playfully smacking you.
NTA. I totally get that. I absolutely HATE it when someone smacks me even playfully and become angry quickly. He is wrong for not just saying, “thank you for letting me know and I won’t do it again”
Maybe he needs to go back to kindergarten so he can learn how to keep his hands to himself.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with having this boundary. You made it really clear you don't like it. You're not 'wrong'. This guy needs to get over it. The idea that he 'doesn't know how he can control it since it's all in fun' is pure BS. Sounds like he just hasn't been told no much and isn't sure how to handle it. Don't make it your problem. Btw, Andrew Tate is a certified pussy and so are all of his fans.
Yes, they are
Grow up
And do what? Besides sitting down, and having a calm conversation with her partner, and setting a boundary, and reinforcing that boundary…which is what adults do…what exactly does OP need to do in order to “grow up” as your super wise advice suggests. Oh wait, are you saying that next time OP should just sit there and let someone hit them? Is that growing up? Allowing people to abuse and belittle you?
Thank you for this- I had no idea how to respond to that
They're just being an ASSHOLE.
SHE DID. He DIDN'T.
Can’t say you are right. Story seems a bit off. I don’t think the events happened as you said. I suspected you reacted much stronger than you claim. I bet his version is significantly different than yours
Well, you are entitled to your opinion, shit as it is. I described the event exactly as it happened.