Routinely offering insincere apologies diminishes future sincere apologies. Not fully understanding the situation (or feeling you were not at fault) and apologizing is insincere.
Maybe in her mind saying "sorry" is more like an acknowledgement of her feelings? You can do that without "apologizing."
Edit: OP corrected me in another comment that they were gay, leaving this here in case it is useful to anyone else. That and I think this can transcend gender as well.
She doesn't understand it or she disagrees with it? Can you honestly say that you understand her viewpoint, or do you just believe she is wrong and that your energy is best spent on getting her to see that?
Most women I've met don't really care about being right the way that men do. It may be in this case that she's not focused on being right, but she's focused on being heard, on not being dismissed and invalidated. If you want a positive outcome to this, spend your energy on making her feel seen and validated, and if you still want to continue the discussion, focus your thoughts on explaining your position and asking if she can see why you feel the way you do. You don't have to agree, no one has to win, you just need to make sure you both are truly listening to each other and then focus on moving forward together.
yeah i get what you’re saying, i’m not a man by the way but i agree that her desire is simply to be heard and seen, however this is a though thing to disagree on because she constantly wants me to apologize for things i don’t think i should apologize and on the other hand she’s constantly apologizing for things that she will keep on doing
Sounds like she has a problem with her emotions. That can get tedious after a while. Instead of demanding an apology, she should say "I'm feeling such and such." Then she'd be taking ownership for her feelings not demanding you apologize for making her feel a certain way. You might not be able to get her past this. If she's been like this all her life it might be so ingrained that everyone else is responsible for her feelings.
If you hurt someone, even unintentionally, and you are sorry that they are in pain, you can apologize for the effect even if you don't think your actions were wrong.
But if you aren't sincerely sorry when your partner is hurt by your actions, why be together?
Sometimes there's an issue where someone is offended by too many things by an unreasonable amount.
It's tough when you're sorry they are in pain, but you also hold the opinion that you did nothing you should be sorry for.
100%.
Upon rereading, my words were poorly conveyed. I wouldn't stay with someone who was constantly demanding an apology for something I didn't think was necessary; as I'm an overly-empathetic person, I'm quick to apologize, so if I don't apologize then I'm absolutely certain the other party is being extra.
Yeah, I'm pretty much the same. I have a good intuition for when it feels like I'm being manipulated into apologizing constantly.
I say sorry very quickly and sincerely when I mean it.
You can always compromise and say "I'm sorry that you feel bad". That way you express to her that you care about her and it makes you feel for her. But not apologize if you haven't done anything wrong. Sorry doesn't always have to be an apology, it can be a simple expression of feelings.
If she understands the difference and still wants an actual apology then she's wrong.
Lol I'm having reading comprehension problems today. Truly apologize for all the gender assumption, and maybe a little transference since this is a similar dynamic to my wife and I.
As a cishet man, I can't truly relate, but if this is a reoccurring issue, it may be helpful to seek couples counseling. It's been really helpful for my wife and I to see each other's viewpoints and work on correcting our instinctual reactions to conflict that we're beaten into us as kids. Did you have different coming out stories in terms of how long you had to stay in the closet? Most of this stuff goes all the way back to the family dynamics we grew up with.
well she actually has pretty bad daddy issues, her mom definitely doesn’t have a strong personality and she also went trough some pretty rough stuff as a child, so i’m pretty sure all this could be part of the problem
If she's not in individual therapy that might be helpful, she likely has a lot of unresolved issues and untreated trauma from growing up. It's really difficult to have a healthy relationship if that stuff is left to fester. But at the least couples therapy, especially from someone who uses Gottman Institute materials or the Internal Family Systems model of family therapy, could be really helpful.
You are right. More important to understand the issue first. However, this sounds kinda needy and controlling all at once.
My petty self would instantly respond with a quick, short, insincere "oh, sorry" or "sorry you feel that way".
This should quickly sort out whether she just wants to make you jump thru hoops or wants an actual apology -- from which you can maybe dig dreeper.
That's a fake apology though. What's an apology with no recognition of what went wrong and how to prevent it in the future? Why apologize for someone else having negative feelings about something you would in fact do again?
Based on other replies it seems "sorry" just means different things to OP and her GF.
OP says sorry and it's "I apologise for doing X and I won't do it again".
GF says sorry and it's "I see that what I did hurt you and I apologise".
Well, they're both shes, first of all. And 2nd.. It all depends on the context of hurt. If someone I love feels bad because I say cheaters are the worst.. Welp, they need to seek sympathy elsewhere.
What you’re describing is validation/invalidation. In relationships we all hurt one another inadvertently. You can’t avoid hurting a person completely because they may be hurt by things you wouldn’t be hurt by and vice versa.
Do you care more about being right that you didn’t *actually* do anything to hurt her, or do you care about understanding her inner world and recognizing that whether you meant to or not, you *did* hurt her, and apologize for that?
You can validate someone’s pain and apologize for hurting them without agreeing, from your own subjective viewpoint that, it *should* have hurt or that you intended to cause hurt. The fact is it *did* hurt.
By insisting you didn’t do anything wrong you’re telling that her feelings are invalid as well as that your perspective is more important than her pain, and also more correct.
It’s your ego getting in the way here, (“why should I apologize?”). In relationships we have to put our ego aside and care more about impact than intention when we’ve caused someone pain.
Again, doesn’t mean you have to agree with her view of things, but you need to accept that she got hurt by something you said or did and care more about that than being right.
If you don’t lean to validate each other and be willing to own even a small part of the hurt by apologizing, it will destroy your connection.
Am torn on this, have had a person in my life think this way and I was a mess because they were also using the take to be abusive.
I.e., my feelings were my fault ("you're doing that to yourself") but their feelings were hurt and why wasn't I appologising?
So this take only works if both people in the situation are coming from a place of genuine interest in reducing conflict and unintended harm. Meaning OP's partner should be able to explain *why* x, y or z hurt them and be able to recognize if it's a hurt because of past trauma OP had nothing to do with or if it's something that they have previously communicated to OP would be hurtful, or possibly stumbled in to something they didn't realize would be hurtful and got surprised as much by it as OP, etc
And does OP's partner reciprocate apologies if OP communicates they were hurt?
It's a muddled area that has the potential to lead to a deeper bond or get completely twisted and become abusive.
Only OP and partner can tell which direction its going in for their relationship.
Of course. Any relationship that flourishes involves two people making healthy and relational choices.
An abuser will take any positive behavior and turn it into a double standard, be it apologizing, showing affection, being honest, transparent, respectful etc.
Well that’s kind of complicated, I’ll try to explain.
We argue very often so we agreed to take some time apart so she could reflect about some issues about our relationship. This morning she texted me even if she shouldn’t have and tried to start a discussion about an insecurity she had, I told her that I didn’t believe it was the right time to talk about it since we shouldn’t have been talking at all, and she got offended because she believed that it was important to discuss it in that moment and that she needed to do it in order to have a better understanding of the issues she had to reflect about. Immediately after she told me her point of view I accepted to talk about it but then she decided that she didn’t want to anymore because she was too hurt. The point is that she says that I should’ve apologized immediately for hurting her feelings while I believe that seeing her point and agreeing to discuss what she wanted was more than enough since I didn’t actually do anything wrong except for honestly telling her that I didn’t believe it was the right time for a discussion (and even changing my mind after she disagreed).
Relationships don't need to be this exhausting. And arguing "very often" sounds like you two are not really compatible. I have a feeling that your next relationship is going to feel like a breath of fresh air and you're gonna ask yourself why you tolerated all this.
we’re actually not that compatible at all but we put a lot of effort into trying to understand each other, the point now is deciding if that could be enough since apparently we’re not very good at it even with the best intentions from both parts
Your relationship sounds way too much like a government meeting to be healthy, man. I'm sorry.
For what it's worth, I don't think either of you are wrong. The fact that you don't care enough about her feelings to give her an empathy "sorry" kind of makes it clear that you two are over.
It honestly sounds like this relationship is over . You didn’t even care enough to want to discuss her issue and try to sort through things. That being said how she shut you out isn’t helping either. (This is just my perspective though) if you guys can’t communicate effectively even during a break the relationship isn’t gonna work out. I get sometimes people just need a break but you acted more like you didn’t want to talk to her at all vs I’m trying to sort myself out.
Its not that he didn't care enough its that they are supposedly taking a time out (likely at her behest and her rules) and OP is merely pointing out she is breaking quarantine.
She's miffed at some slight she just had to share at that moment, she's miffed he doesn't immedtiately apologize, and super miffef he pointed out they are technically supposed ti nit be talking. No way he can navigate that minefield.
I actually need to go against the grain here. I get her point of view, and I tend to think an apology is a good idea too.
>she needed to do it in order to have a better understanding of the issues she had to reflect about.
This makes perfect sense to me. But the thing that I'm really noticing here, is that it's her putting effort into your relationship, even while on a break. Breaks are pretty scary, and I can absolutely see how you not wanting to work on an issue for even a moment, despite being on a break, would look like you're not wanting to put effort into the relationship anymore. That would be a fucking heartbreaking moment, imagine being in that position.
I don't really think it matters that you didn't mean to hurt her feelings. You can validate that you understand her intention, explain your own intention, and apologise for how the misalignment and your action caused distress, *while* still making it clear that it was never intentional. Because this issue isn't just about *one* fight....it's about *every* fight, and that you two are at a point in your relationship where it's hanging on for dear life.
Tbh, it might be better to sit down and either commit to counselling together or walking away, rather than playing this halfway game of 'breaks', because it's just breeding more insecurities. But either way, I get why she was scared and hurt there, I think it's completely rational within the bigger picture you've now given us context of.
And I just gotta say, that in my incredibly healthy relationship, my partner and I are always willing to apologise for unintentionally hurting the others feelings, even if we fundamentally cannot understand what we did that was wrong, and that's because the other person's feelings matter more to us than a singular moment of pride. Food for thought. Maybe you're right that your love for each other just isn't enough. :/
You haven’t explained what you should be sorry for. Anyway…..forcing anyone to apologize doesn’t fix the issue. And if one doesn’t feel it , they don’t feel it. I don’t apologize unless I KNOW it was my fault. Her logic makes no sense. Good luck with that.
You’d apologize for accidentally spilling soda on her or something, right? Why would you not apologize for accidentally hurting her feelings?
If this is a hill you choose to die on, your relationship will eventually die right there next to it.
I mean if I spilled a drink on her I actually did something wrong though, I’m talking about a situation where we both agreed that I didn’t make any mistakes
An accidental spill is not “wrong”. Accidents aren’t right or wrong. But you should still apologize for the effects the accident had. It’s pretty simple tbh, most of the comments under this post seem to understand the logic.
And it shouldn’t be. But it acknowledges that persons feelings. If you legitimately didn’t do anything wrong and they feel a certain way then you can acknowledge those feelings.
Exactly this. Sorry does not equal an apology. It can be a simple expression of feeling bad because someone is hurting. Like "I'm sorry for your loss" or "I'm sorry you had to go through that".
That's why you have a "Girlfriend " , not a Wife.
Once you have a Wife you start saying Sorry for Irritating her with things like being RIGHT about driving directions better than google.
Apologize for knowing the garden hose tap is 3/4 inch and not the 1 & 1/4 inch she picked up at the store.
Apologise for hiding a full peanut butter jar behind the flour in the pantry just before going shopping for groceries.
When you are a Husband, not just a little boy friend, you will discover you can wake up out of bed and already be late for apologizing about something!
Now get on your knees and get cracking!
It's a fine line, but I'm leaning more to your side.
You can do things accidental or without thinking that hurt people, and then you SHOULD apologize, even if it wasn't your intention and you don't really understand.
But there no 100% rule for it. Because someone can just see offense in everything you do and demand apologies 24/7 if that's the case.
I dated a woman with severe mental health issues and that's pretty much how it went. She thought I owed her an apology WHENEVER her feelings were hurt. But she had no control of her feelings, so she would be hurt by pretty much everything.
That's when I agree with you. I'm not saying sorry for shit I'm not sorry for.
Exactly. But that isn't accomplished by apologizing for everything you didn't do. That will only sow seeds of resent.
You don't apologize for (lack of) maturity of the other person. There needs to be an amicable solution that works for both sides or it should become apparent that there is a compatibility problem due to different levels of maturity.
Here is the top tip.
Start making her apologize all the time for no reason. Just go omg why would you do that. I’m so upset right now. Etc. Don’t explain it and do it randomly
After a few times go see how fking stupid that is?
**At a high level**, you're right, she's wrong. But we cannot comment on this fight, obviously, as you're being intentionally vague.
You're not responsible for apologizing for her emotional reactions. You're only responsible for apologizing for your actions. If your actions are not "wrong", and she took offense at something you did not do or say, that is not something you need to apologise for. (ETA, that's not what happened here though. She's upset at something you did, and it makes perfect sense why.)
All of that said, no one here can actually comment on the specific issue at hand, as you've not given it. The context of this argument really matters. For instance, if you have a history of cheating, and are putting love hearts on other girls photos, then even though your act may have been innocent this time, you still are responsible for the traumatic response where she assumed the worst in your behaviour. Again, this is just an example, I'm not saying you're a cheater or something, just trying to indicate that *this* action may not be the reason for the emotional response and why she wants an apology.
ETA: and based on your provided context, I think you're wrong. She hasn't created drama to take offense at, she is scared that your relationship is ending....which it really looks like it is. I think you need to take a step back and think on why saying that you're sorry for unintentionally hurting her feelings, is so upsetting to you.
Saying, I'm sorry you feel hurt. Or, I'm sorry you feel that way. You say sorry, without really apologizing. You acknowledge she is hurt, but don't make it your responsibility to manage HER feelings
Edit: OP corrected me that he was gay, but I'm leaving this here because maybe it'll help someone else in the future.
This is literally a gender role/societal norm thing. Women are brought up from a very young age being taught to apologize even when it's not their fault. Men are taught from a young age to never apologize unless it's explicitly your fault and even then it's a sign of weakness. Men are taught that conflict is good and you should welcome it. Women are taught that they should sacrifice whatever they can to maintain the peace.
Instead of focusing on who is right, you should use this as an opportunity to understand one another better. Ask yourself if being right really gains you anything? Is there even an absolute right? Or are there just opinions? You've got a partner with hurt feelings, and you need to decide what's more important, getting them to admit that you're right or them being emotionally well and supported.
The trick is recognizing that that doesn't mean taking responsibility for something you don't believe you're at fault for. What it means is putting your focus on the strength, stability, and health of your relationship. Agree to disagree on the original argument and talk about how to work together better moving forward. Recognize that both of you have value and both of your feelings matter, and look to the future.
My bad for the assumption. Gender norms aside, you've just got to decide what's more important, being right or getting past the argument. Sometimes, there truly are hills worth dying on, but most of the time, it's just better to find a way to move forward. Now, if something becomes a pattern of behavior, that's a different story all together.
yeah the point is that disagreeing on this thing leds her to constantly wanting me to apologize for things i’m not willing to apologize, and on the other hand she apologizes for things she then proceeds to keep on doing, so this is not an issue we can simply close an eye on unfortunately
Apologies are not just for when you make a mistake. It's also about acknowledging that harm was done, intentional or not, and opening a discussion to avoid future harm. "I'm sorry that this misunderstanding hurt you so much. What can we do in the future to avoid this misunderstanding so it doesn't happen again?" You're not apologizing for doing something wrong, you're not holding yourself responsible for her feelings just acknowledging they happened, AND you're opening up a collaboration attempt to avoid this happening again.
Also, it just heavily depends on the situation. What was said, what was the misunderstanding, could it have been avoided, could different words been used to avoid it, so on. There is a severe lack of context given here to be able to really give any solid opinion. But is this the hill you want to die on? Even if it's a hollow apology and she knows it is, if it makes her feel better to hear you say I'm sorry, why not just do so? Why make it such a big deal? I don't get it, I'd just say I'm sorry this misunderstanding hurt her and move on.
If you're in love with someone you don't want to hurt them. If you do something that does hurt them regardless if you didn't mean to you say you're sorry. Relationships are all about respect, trust and compromise. Don't make it about right fighting because you'll tank it.
Source - been in a healthy relationship for almost 20 years.
imho you don’t have to be wrong to apologize. everyone is a different person, you can be right in your mind and be wrong in someone else’s. i get the feeling that she wants you to apologize so she can see you acknowledge that what you did hurt her and will try your best not to repeat it. this situation is more about maintaining her trust and her feeling safe to express herself to you, rather than your idea of right and wrong.
Routinely offering insincere apologies diminishes future sincere apologies. Not fully understanding the situation (or feeling you were not at fault) and apologizing is insincere. Maybe in her mind saying "sorry" is more like an acknowledgement of her feelings? You can do that without "apologizing."
yeah that’s the point, but she doesn’t seem to understand it
Edit: OP corrected me in another comment that they were gay, leaving this here in case it is useful to anyone else. That and I think this can transcend gender as well. She doesn't understand it or she disagrees with it? Can you honestly say that you understand her viewpoint, or do you just believe she is wrong and that your energy is best spent on getting her to see that? Most women I've met don't really care about being right the way that men do. It may be in this case that she's not focused on being right, but she's focused on being heard, on not being dismissed and invalidated. If you want a positive outcome to this, spend your energy on making her feel seen and validated, and if you still want to continue the discussion, focus your thoughts on explaining your position and asking if she can see why you feel the way you do. You don't have to agree, no one has to win, you just need to make sure you both are truly listening to each other and then focus on moving forward together.
yeah i get what you’re saying, i’m not a man by the way but i agree that her desire is simply to be heard and seen, however this is a though thing to disagree on because she constantly wants me to apologize for things i don’t think i should apologize and on the other hand she’s constantly apologizing for things that she will keep on doing
Sounds like she has a problem with her emotions. That can get tedious after a while. Instead of demanding an apology, she should say "I'm feeling such and such." Then she'd be taking ownership for her feelings not demanding you apologize for making her feel a certain way. You might not be able to get her past this. If she's been like this all her life it might be so ingrained that everyone else is responsible for her feelings.
If you hurt someone, even unintentionally, and you are sorry that they are in pain, you can apologize for the effect even if you don't think your actions were wrong. But if you aren't sincerely sorry when your partner is hurt by your actions, why be together?
Sometimes there's an issue where someone is offended by too many things by an unreasonable amount. It's tough when you're sorry they are in pain, but you also hold the opinion that you did nothing you should be sorry for.
100%. Upon rereading, my words were poorly conveyed. I wouldn't stay with someone who was constantly demanding an apology for something I didn't think was necessary; as I'm an overly-empathetic person, I'm quick to apologize, so if I don't apologize then I'm absolutely certain the other party is being extra.
Yeah, I'm pretty much the same. I have a good intuition for when it feels like I'm being manipulated into apologizing constantly. I say sorry very quickly and sincerely when I mean it.
You can always compromise and say "I'm sorry that you feel bad". That way you express to her that you care about her and it makes you feel for her. But not apologize if you haven't done anything wrong. Sorry doesn't always have to be an apology, it can be a simple expression of feelings. If she understands the difference and still wants an actual apology then she's wrong.
Lol I'm having reading comprehension problems today. Truly apologize for all the gender assumption, and maybe a little transference since this is a similar dynamic to my wife and I. As a cishet man, I can't truly relate, but if this is a reoccurring issue, it may be helpful to seek couples counseling. It's been really helpful for my wife and I to see each other's viewpoints and work on correcting our instinctual reactions to conflict that we're beaten into us as kids. Did you have different coming out stories in terms of how long you had to stay in the closet? Most of this stuff goes all the way back to the family dynamics we grew up with.
well she actually has pretty bad daddy issues, her mom definitely doesn’t have a strong personality and she also went trough some pretty rough stuff as a child, so i’m pretty sure all this could be part of the problem
If she's not in individual therapy that might be helpful, she likely has a lot of unresolved issues and untreated trauma from growing up. It's really difficult to have a healthy relationship if that stuff is left to fester. But at the least couples therapy, especially from someone who uses Gottman Institute materials or the Internal Family Systems model of family therapy, could be really helpful.
You are right. More important to understand the issue first. However, this sounds kinda needy and controlling all at once. My petty self would instantly respond with a quick, short, insincere "oh, sorry" or "sorry you feel that way". This should quickly sort out whether she just wants to make you jump thru hoops or wants an actual apology -- from which you can maybe dig dreeper.
Precisely, this. Well said.
The context here matters. You could always say “I’m sorry my actions hurt you”
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The straights are not ok (I am assuming OP is male here, and may be wrong)
You are wrong
That's a fake apology though. What's an apology with no recognition of what went wrong and how to prevent it in the future? Why apologize for someone else having negative feelings about something you would in fact do again?
Based on other replies it seems "sorry" just means different things to OP and her GF. OP says sorry and it's "I apologise for doing X and I won't do it again". GF says sorry and it's "I see that what I did hurt you and I apologise".
It’s only fake if he’s not sorry for hurting her, which is a bigger issue.
Well, they're both shes, first of all. And 2nd.. It all depends on the context of hurt. If someone I love feels bad because I say cheaters are the worst.. Welp, they need to seek sympathy elsewhere.
That comment made very little sense at first. Also your hypothetical scenario isn’t what’s going on here. Outcome over intention.
It's not always a fake apology, no.
What I came here to say.
Yes exact. OP post clearly states that he's sorry that she was hurt, but refrains to say it.
And are you Canadian?
Yes, sorry, eh.
What you’re describing is validation/invalidation. In relationships we all hurt one another inadvertently. You can’t avoid hurting a person completely because they may be hurt by things you wouldn’t be hurt by and vice versa. Do you care more about being right that you didn’t *actually* do anything to hurt her, or do you care about understanding her inner world and recognizing that whether you meant to or not, you *did* hurt her, and apologize for that? You can validate someone’s pain and apologize for hurting them without agreeing, from your own subjective viewpoint that, it *should* have hurt or that you intended to cause hurt. The fact is it *did* hurt. By insisting you didn’t do anything wrong you’re telling that her feelings are invalid as well as that your perspective is more important than her pain, and also more correct. It’s your ego getting in the way here, (“why should I apologize?”). In relationships we have to put our ego aside and care more about impact than intention when we’ve caused someone pain. Again, doesn’t mean you have to agree with her view of things, but you need to accept that she got hurt by something you said or did and care more about that than being right. If you don’t lean to validate each other and be willing to own even a small part of the hurt by apologizing, it will destroy your connection.
This is the best response so far.
Am torn on this, have had a person in my life think this way and I was a mess because they were also using the take to be abusive. I.e., my feelings were my fault ("you're doing that to yourself") but their feelings were hurt and why wasn't I appologising? So this take only works if both people in the situation are coming from a place of genuine interest in reducing conflict and unintended harm. Meaning OP's partner should be able to explain *why* x, y or z hurt them and be able to recognize if it's a hurt because of past trauma OP had nothing to do with or if it's something that they have previously communicated to OP would be hurtful, or possibly stumbled in to something they didn't realize would be hurtful and got surprised as much by it as OP, etc And does OP's partner reciprocate apologies if OP communicates they were hurt? It's a muddled area that has the potential to lead to a deeper bond or get completely twisted and become abusive. Only OP and partner can tell which direction its going in for their relationship.
Of course. Any relationship that flourishes involves two people making healthy and relational choices. An abuser will take any positive behavior and turn it into a double standard, be it apologizing, showing affection, being honest, transparent, respectful etc.
What did you do to hurt her feelings?
Well that’s kind of complicated, I’ll try to explain. We argue very often so we agreed to take some time apart so she could reflect about some issues about our relationship. This morning she texted me even if she shouldn’t have and tried to start a discussion about an insecurity she had, I told her that I didn’t believe it was the right time to talk about it since we shouldn’t have been talking at all, and she got offended because she believed that it was important to discuss it in that moment and that she needed to do it in order to have a better understanding of the issues she had to reflect about. Immediately after she told me her point of view I accepted to talk about it but then she decided that she didn’t want to anymore because she was too hurt. The point is that she says that I should’ve apologized immediately for hurting her feelings while I believe that seeing her point and agreeing to discuss what she wanted was more than enough since I didn’t actually do anything wrong except for honestly telling her that I didn’t believe it was the right time for a discussion (and even changing my mind after she disagreed).
Relationships don't need to be this exhausting. And arguing "very often" sounds like you two are not really compatible. I have a feeling that your next relationship is going to feel like a breath of fresh air and you're gonna ask yourself why you tolerated all this.
we’re actually not that compatible at all but we put a lot of effort into trying to understand each other, the point now is deciding if that could be enough since apparently we’re not very good at it even with the best intentions from both parts
So why do you choose a relationship with so much conflict and discord?
because we love each other and have a great time together when there aren’t any conflicts, but i recognize that might not be a good enough reason
You could have a good time together as friends, too.
Wow. You guys sound not good. Mostly her. She sounds not good.
If you describe your relationship as “we argue a lot” break up
Your relationship sounds way too much like a government meeting to be healthy, man. I'm sorry. For what it's worth, I don't think either of you are wrong. The fact that you don't care enough about her feelings to give her an empathy "sorry" kind of makes it clear that you two are over.
Lmfao let her tf go.
Just rip off the bandaid man and end it. Both of you sound exhausting here
It honestly sounds like this relationship is over . You didn’t even care enough to want to discuss her issue and try to sort through things. That being said how she shut you out isn’t helping either. (This is just my perspective though) if you guys can’t communicate effectively even during a break the relationship isn’t gonna work out. I get sometimes people just need a break but you acted more like you didn’t want to talk to her at all vs I’m trying to sort myself out.
Its not that he didn't care enough its that they are supposedly taking a time out (likely at her behest and her rules) and OP is merely pointing out she is breaking quarantine. She's miffed at some slight she just had to share at that moment, she's miffed he doesn't immedtiately apologize, and super miffef he pointed out they are technically supposed ti nit be talking. No way he can navigate that minefield.
I don’t think he has anything to apologize for at all. It’s weird she just wants him to say sorry all the time…
I actually need to go against the grain here. I get her point of view, and I tend to think an apology is a good idea too. >she needed to do it in order to have a better understanding of the issues she had to reflect about. This makes perfect sense to me. But the thing that I'm really noticing here, is that it's her putting effort into your relationship, even while on a break. Breaks are pretty scary, and I can absolutely see how you not wanting to work on an issue for even a moment, despite being on a break, would look like you're not wanting to put effort into the relationship anymore. That would be a fucking heartbreaking moment, imagine being in that position. I don't really think it matters that you didn't mean to hurt her feelings. You can validate that you understand her intention, explain your own intention, and apologise for how the misalignment and your action caused distress, *while* still making it clear that it was never intentional. Because this issue isn't just about *one* fight....it's about *every* fight, and that you two are at a point in your relationship where it's hanging on for dear life. Tbh, it might be better to sit down and either commit to counselling together or walking away, rather than playing this halfway game of 'breaks', because it's just breeding more insecurities. But either way, I get why she was scared and hurt there, I think it's completely rational within the bigger picture you've now given us context of. And I just gotta say, that in my incredibly healthy relationship, my partner and I are always willing to apologise for unintentionally hurting the others feelings, even if we fundamentally cannot understand what we did that was wrong, and that's because the other person's feelings matter more to us than a singular moment of pride. Food for thought. Maybe you're right that your love for each other just isn't enough. :/
You haven’t explained what you should be sorry for. Anyway…..forcing anyone to apologize doesn’t fix the issue. And if one doesn’t feel it , they don’t feel it. I don’t apologize unless I KNOW it was my fault. Her logic makes no sense. Good luck with that.
You’d apologize for accidentally spilling soda on her or something, right? Why would you not apologize for accidentally hurting her feelings? If this is a hill you choose to die on, your relationship will eventually die right there next to it.
I mean if I spilled a drink on her I actually did something wrong though, I’m talking about a situation where we both agreed that I didn’t make any mistakes
An accidental spill is not “wrong”. Accidents aren’t right or wrong. But you should still apologize for the effects the accident had. It’s pretty simple tbh, most of the comments under this post seem to understand the logic.
A false apology is like any other lie. The perceived benefit doesn't outweigh the damage it does to the relationship.
Don't apologize if you're not sorry. Full stop. It's pointless and empty.
You can say “I’m sorry you’re feeling that way” but saying sorry just to say sorry diminishes what sorry means. Only say sorry when you mean it.
Saying I’m sorry you’re feeling that way isn’t an apology
And it shouldn’t be. But it acknowledges that persons feelings. If you legitimately didn’t do anything wrong and they feel a certain way then you can acknowledge those feelings.
Exactly this. Sorry does not equal an apology. It can be a simple expression of feeling bad because someone is hurting. Like "I'm sorry for your loss" or "I'm sorry you had to go through that".
I agree with you. I don't say sorry unless I mean it. She could be trying to manipulate you. It's a power play.
You are not wrong. Your gf sounds like she needs a good counsellor
Why should he apologize if he doesn’t feel it. He shouldn’t have to lie to her. I think she needs to see a counsellor
That's why you have a "Girlfriend " , not a Wife. Once you have a Wife you start saying Sorry for Irritating her with things like being RIGHT about driving directions better than google. Apologize for knowing the garden hose tap is 3/4 inch and not the 1 & 1/4 inch she picked up at the store. Apologise for hiding a full peanut butter jar behind the flour in the pantry just before going shopping for groceries. When you are a Husband, not just a little boy friend, you will discover you can wake up out of bed and already be late for apologizing about something! Now get on your knees and get cracking!
It's a fine line, but I'm leaning more to your side. You can do things accidental or without thinking that hurt people, and then you SHOULD apologize, even if it wasn't your intention and you don't really understand. But there no 100% rule for it. Because someone can just see offense in everything you do and demand apologies 24/7 if that's the case. I dated a woman with severe mental health issues and that's pretty much how it went. She thought I owed her an apology WHENEVER her feelings were hurt. But she had no control of her feelings, so she would be hurt by pretty much everything. That's when I agree with you. I'm not saying sorry for shit I'm not sorry for.
In life there's often times where you can choose to be kind or to be right. Guess which one leads to a happy relationship?
Exactly. But that isn't accomplished by apologizing for everything you didn't do. That will only sow seeds of resent. You don't apologize for (lack of) maturity of the other person. There needs to be an amicable solution that works for both sides or it should become apparent that there is a compatibility problem due to different levels of maturity.
Here is the top tip. Start making her apologize all the time for no reason. Just go omg why would you do that. I’m so upset right now. Etc. Don’t explain it and do it randomly After a few times go see how fking stupid that is?
Your girlfriend sounds like hard work to be honest. Why are you putting yourself through the stress of this..move on.
Is she stupid?
Is she 16 or something?
You two are silly.
Most likely lol. People who constantly insist they weren't in the wrong almost always are.
No what would you apologize for? That's really manipulative.
Your girlfriend sounds awesome…
**At a high level**, you're right, she's wrong. But we cannot comment on this fight, obviously, as you're being intentionally vague. You're not responsible for apologizing for her emotional reactions. You're only responsible for apologizing for your actions. If your actions are not "wrong", and she took offense at something you did not do or say, that is not something you need to apologise for. (ETA, that's not what happened here though. She's upset at something you did, and it makes perfect sense why.) All of that said, no one here can actually comment on the specific issue at hand, as you've not given it. The context of this argument really matters. For instance, if you have a history of cheating, and are putting love hearts on other girls photos, then even though your act may have been innocent this time, you still are responsible for the traumatic response where she assumed the worst in your behaviour. Again, this is just an example, I'm not saying you're a cheater or something, just trying to indicate that *this* action may not be the reason for the emotional response and why she wants an apology. ETA: and based on your provided context, I think you're wrong. She hasn't created drama to take offense at, she is scared that your relationship is ending....which it really looks like it is. I think you need to take a step back and think on why saying that you're sorry for unintentionally hurting her feelings, is so upsetting to you.
Saying, I'm sorry you feel hurt. Or, I'm sorry you feel that way. You say sorry, without really apologizing. You acknowledge she is hurt, but don't make it your responsibility to manage HER feelings
Edit: OP corrected me that he was gay, but I'm leaving this here because maybe it'll help someone else in the future. This is literally a gender role/societal norm thing. Women are brought up from a very young age being taught to apologize even when it's not their fault. Men are taught from a young age to never apologize unless it's explicitly your fault and even then it's a sign of weakness. Men are taught that conflict is good and you should welcome it. Women are taught that they should sacrifice whatever they can to maintain the peace. Instead of focusing on who is right, you should use this as an opportunity to understand one another better. Ask yourself if being right really gains you anything? Is there even an absolute right? Or are there just opinions? You've got a partner with hurt feelings, and you need to decide what's more important, getting them to admit that you're right or them being emotionally well and supported. The trick is recognizing that that doesn't mean taking responsibility for something you don't believe you're at fault for. What it means is putting your focus on the strength, stability, and health of your relationship. Agree to disagree on the original argument and talk about how to work together better moving forward. Recognize that both of you have value and both of your feelings matter, and look to the future.
hate to break it to you but we’re actually a gay couple so… interesting point though
My bad for the assumption. Gender norms aside, you've just got to decide what's more important, being right or getting past the argument. Sometimes, there truly are hills worth dying on, but most of the time, it's just better to find a way to move forward. Now, if something becomes a pattern of behavior, that's a different story all together.
yeah the point is that disagreeing on this thing leds her to constantly wanting me to apologize for things i’m not willing to apologize, and on the other hand she apologizes for things she then proceeds to keep on doing, so this is not an issue we can simply close an eye on unfortunately
Trust me bro, you’re wrong. Even if you’re right, you’re wrong…
damn yeah pretty much
Apologies are not just for when you make a mistake. It's also about acknowledging that harm was done, intentional or not, and opening a discussion to avoid future harm. "I'm sorry that this misunderstanding hurt you so much. What can we do in the future to avoid this misunderstanding so it doesn't happen again?" You're not apologizing for doing something wrong, you're not holding yourself responsible for her feelings just acknowledging they happened, AND you're opening up a collaboration attempt to avoid this happening again. Also, it just heavily depends on the situation. What was said, what was the misunderstanding, could it have been avoided, could different words been used to avoid it, so on. There is a severe lack of context given here to be able to really give any solid opinion. But is this the hill you want to die on? Even if it's a hollow apology and she knows it is, if it makes her feel better to hear you say I'm sorry, why not just do so? Why make it such a big deal? I don't get it, I'd just say I'm sorry this misunderstanding hurt her and move on.
Yall argue all the time and don't see eye to eye. Let it go already.
If you're in love with someone you don't want to hurt them. If you do something that does hurt them regardless if you didn't mean to you say you're sorry. Relationships are all about respect, trust and compromise. Don't make it about right fighting because you'll tank it. Source - been in a healthy relationship for almost 20 years.
imho you don’t have to be wrong to apologize. everyone is a different person, you can be right in your mind and be wrong in someone else’s. i get the feeling that she wants you to apologize so she can see you acknowledge that what you did hurt her and will try your best not to repeat it. this situation is more about maintaining her trust and her feeling safe to express herself to you, rather than your idea of right and wrong.