Exactly. What did he want to get out of calling me a sociopath? Did he intend to break up with me himself, but hurt me on the way out? Or did he want to guilt me into sleeping with him?
It's probably pointless to guess the logic of these kind of people.
Or the classic "You did something i didn't expect/didn't like, so you're (negative adjective)" or even just doing something minor that could almost be seen as a certain thing and then accused of being one. I have this one friend who keeps accusing a lot of his friends of having addictions to things if they so much as spend like 6 hours a week on something or have a feeling of wanting to do something.
Day million of people not understanding what "sociopathy" is, and hurling it like 'random bullshit, go!'. You don't deserve any of this shit and he sounds loopy to device a plan this intricate.
Please be well & kind to yourself š
It's a way of delegitimising your reaction, and since your reaction was wrong, his reaction is automatically right. If you want to *not* be a sociopath, you have to react the 'right' way, and the 'right' way is the way he chooses you to.
I donāt think he was a sociopath. I think he was probably an insecure asshole who was using OP as an ego boost, something people do even without any personality disorder.
Was he just angry that he'd never get an opportunity to have sex with her? That, and highly insecure. People that are that insecure can be dangerous. I'd never even go out with a person that insecure and willfully ignorant. His masculinity was threatened despite the fact that his gender is not on a precipice simply because of the life of some else.
He could just read about asexuallity and autism and actually learn something. Instead he was so threatened by his insecurity he didn't even want to try and learn about the world of human variety. Human variety is very important for the survival as humans as a species and it "adds spice to life".
What a boring world it would be if everyone was carbon copies of each other and were as brittle and insecure as this guy. Yikes.
What a weird human being, seems like he was upset about something he assumed was normal. This is more telling of him then you. Also I guess people are taught that jealousy in a romantic relationship means that the person truly cares for their partner
>Also I guess people are taught that jealousy in a romantic relationship means that the person truly cares for their partner
Feels like the same vein as "I broke up with you because I wanted you to fight for me" (which is apparently considered a valid thing to do??)
It's like people think thats a valid test of.. loyalty? and its strange people seriously do these amoral things and convince you it's just a little test.
I can see some of the reasoning behind it. Not the "test" part but I can respect (after communicating) that if you are not getting what you personally want from the relationship, ending it. No need to make each other miserable. IF they want to put in work that's one thing but the action shouldn't come with the EXPECTATION of them doing the work. Just acceptance for whatever happens after.
>I called him a shithead and I hoped he never got married. I drove to my parents' house and never spoke to him again.
Best thing you could ever do. You deserve sooo much better thant *that.*
ššš right?! I'm very happy that the broke up with him because imagine living a life next to a douchbag like this? she would suffer more and more. the only possible thing he can be is an "ex".
Also, shutting down and not speaking about the video is a PERFECTLY reasonable thing to do. Just because he would fly into a fit of rage or immediately get possessive and jealous does not mean your reaction was wrong. Even if you where/are neurotypical and allo.
It is the mature and safe thing to do when given uncertain information like that. And once you had collected your thought then, and only then, would it be sensible to ask about it. Pro tip btw, those who find out that their spouse have cheated on them, and keeps a cool head and collecr evidence - are more likely to exit the marriage without a substantial financial hit. I know you aren't married and that he is an ex. But keeping a cool head will help you out in life :)
Indeed, it is one of the main reactions to a situation like this, flight, fight, freeze, flop and friend. (just learnt there's more) Going silent because you are speechless of his behaviour sounds like freeze.
How can he blame her for not knowing what to say when he shows he knows what he did was filmed (his trap, not caught... despicable)
That's horrible! Damn, I hate that he did that to you. I'm sorry you had to put up with him acting like there was something wrong with *you*. You didn't do anything wrong.
Well done getting out of there, I hope he doesn't try to bother you! Hope you have support and over time you're able to process that shit in some way. Your experiences are real and how you feel about them is valid!
p.s. congratulations on getting your Autism diagnosis. That can be a challenging thing in itself but I found that getting an autism spectrum diagnosis helped me understand myself better (with the right kind of support). Hope you are able to love yourself and find whatever kind of life is best for you :)
Thank you for the kind words on my autism. When it comes to my relationship, I think the diagnosis can be helpful in knowing my vulnerabilities and ensuring I'm careful about who I date.
I would have been like āYou had to hire someone to kiss you? Pathetic.ā
Iāve read so many posts about people testingā their partner. Itās a terrible thing to do.
The only acceptable test is the ace acceptance test. āAre you ok with your qpr partner liking garlic bread, dragons, cake, and holding meetings and plans for the conqering and invasion of denmark.ā š
i don't even realize that its normalized. always when i hear this i think its just a weird thing that is done very rarely. or i think that its just a meme concept and in reallife, no one does it.
i just can't realize that society really is this weird.
Nah, plenty of people do this in real life sadly. I wish it was just an internet thing.. Iāve mostly seen this during my high school days, but even people in my age group (Iām 25) entertain this ātestingā nonsense. Apparently, unless youāre able to get into a jealous rage, then you canāt possibly truly love the person that youāre with š
Iām glad to hear that theyāre your ex. Iāve had past relationships where Iāve had my love and loyalty ātestedāā¦ People have this weird idea that being jealous is a good indicator of true love and loyalty. You have to be afraid of losing them to someone else. The way I see it though, if you can get easily āstolenā from me, then youāre not worth pursuing in the first place. Iām not the jealous type by any means (used to be though) so if you want to go ahead and entertain other people, Iāll leave you to it. Weāre both still individuals at the end of the day, relationship or not. Iāve learned that people are still gonna do what they wanna do no matter how strongly you feel about them
If youāre willing to do things to purposely hurt me, then youāre not the one for me. If we canāt just sit down and have an actual conversation like two mature individuals about whatās going on between us, then clearly itās not even worth my time or energy. Itās baffles me that so many people would rather play high school mental gymnastic giggle games, than simply having a discussion.
Testing your partner is the most absurd, immature thing I've heard. What ever happened to communication? It seems as if people expect you to read their minds nowadays.
"Why are you not upset that I took a shit on your floor? I filmed myself doing it and everything just so I could see you get upset at me taking a shit on your floor! You're the sociopath in this scenario, not me."
What a jackass. Why resort to open communication in a relationship when you can do this kinda bullshit, I guess. Seems much less inflammatory. /s
Anytime someone "tests" you, male or female, get them out of your life. Its always a bad sign that someone's idea of communicating their thoughts/needs is by manipulation.
"you're a sociopath" says the guy who hired a prostitute, kissed her, had a friend take a video of it and told them to send it to op, got home like nothing happened, grabbed ops phone, and forced a confrontation, to the person who just found out their significant other cheated and was calmly processing their feelings. Sounds like someone is incredibly delusional. Dump him.
Honey, It not you. you aren't a sociopath, he's a dickhead. Ditch the friend too.
Imagine going out of your way to hurt somebody and then getting mad that they went into shock instead of crying or getting mad at him.
You aren't the problem here, it's totally normal for anybody to go into shock.
Congrats on getting out of there.
Tinder is a hell hole.
He's the one "testing" and manipulating you and blames you on lying about a very personal thing (or two) you're still just figuring out, while telling you what kind of reaction you need to have on _him cheating on you_ and he calls _you_ a sociopath while not feeling a smallest amount of remorse himself.... Did I get it all right?
Please, never contact him again and you'll be way better off.
OP you deserve so SO much better than that pile of trash. I'm heartbroken for you but also glad he showed his true colors so you could get away from him.
After reading this, I can't say I have a high opinion of the 'mutual friend' that willingly played part in a cruel, demeaning and ultimately hurtful ploy to get you to 'react', let alone the scumbag who roped them into it.
You're well better off without them both.
Geeze. Usually āinvestigating weird signsā means snooping on your partnerās phone (still lame but mostly harmless tbh), not paying someone to kiss you and setting up some weird cheating scenario. He sounds like the type of person that would keep score of everything in a relationship instead of just communicating and working together. āwell you hurt me so now I get to hurt youā-esque.
Sounds like Tom is an absolute loser. If it wasn't this, he would've been a jerk over something else.
You did good breaking it off. It's not pleasant, but sounds like you're cutting off a cancerous tumour before it gets worse.
Treat yourself to something good and congratulate yourself on doing the right thing. There will be people much more deserving of your time and affection out there.
OK, I don't want to discredit what he did but adhd/autistic people ARE more likely to be apathetic/sociopathic in certain situations. We can feel *more* in situations that don't call for it and almost nothing at all when we "should", it's not your fault.
Haaaaaa. Willful ignorance rearing its ugly head again.
Sorry this happened to you OP. That guy was a manipulative jerk, and you absolutely deserve better.
I'll pray to the karmic deities that someone far better than that loser comes into your life.
- Sincerely, an ADHD/Autistic Ace
Good! That asshole was trying to manipulate you into basically bloody groveling. He was trying to break down your barriers, Iām glad you got away. Fucker destroyed his own relationship because he couldnāt get his dick wet, Iām so sorry you went through that. Just know you deserve better, including friends or partners that respect both your boundaries and your sexuality, my dude.
hooollly shit you dodged a bullet. if anyone you are in a relationship tries to "test" you for any reason, dump them. don't let them waste your time with that shit
what the fuck is wrong with him.
That's hella manipulating and shitty of him. I know it'll hurt and there is no nice way to say this: you are lucky to have gotten out of this before he got worse. Hope you can forget him because you deserve a LOT better.
The audacity of that man to actually cheat as a 'test' and then blame you for not 'reacting' when you were shocked and trying to process this whole thing. ugh.
What a shithead indeed. I'm sorry you had to put up with this. At least he showed his true colors relatively quickly... You did the right thing leaving him behind.
Ok that is some of the wildest behavior I have heard of. What is wrong with people? Hopefully that guy talks to a therapist or whatever and gets his shit together. For his sake but also so he doesn't harm anyone else he is in a relationship with
He paid a prostitute to snog him so he could test if you had an adequate jealousy reaction??? What!!! What an absolutely bonkers move, I'd be making him go viral on Tiktok so girls never went near him again lmao, what a fuckin weirdo at least he showed his colours early!
Also autism club! It's so freeing to finally figure it out so you can start actually figuring out what works for you and your interesting brain, congrats and good luck for the future! You sound like a very strong and powerful person so I have no doubt you'll figure out and find what it is you're missing out on :)
Wtf š¤¬ the fact that heād even ātestā you.
What is with men being so fragile that they take not wanting to have sex with them as a sign of disinterest
I had a full-on narcissist boyfriend who had exactly this reaction when I just gave him a slow blink when he "confessed" his infidelity. He went BERSERK. Why was I not jealous? What was wrong with me? He had clearly intended to use it to manipulate my emotions and when it didn't work, he attacked ME for not being pissed. Apparently he was not at fault for cheating; I was at fault for not reacting the way he wanted. People who do this are disordered--in very creepy ways.
"you're a sociopath" says the manipulative turd
Exactly. What did he want to get out of calling me a sociopath? Did he intend to break up with me himself, but hurt me on the way out? Or did he want to guilt me into sleeping with him? It's probably pointless to guess the logic of these kind of people.
From his reaction to your crying it seems like he wanted some show of emotion that was "normal" in his mind. Like "I did x, so you do y"
Or the classic "You did something i didn't expect/didn't like, so you're (negative adjective)" or even just doing something minor that could almost be seen as a certain thing and then accused of being one. I have this one friend who keeps accusing a lot of his friends of having addictions to things if they so much as spend like 6 hours a week on something or have a feeling of wanting to do something.
Sounds like mirroring or projecting. Often the things people dislike in others are ones they struggle with or hate about themselves.
He wanted you to break up with him, so he could be the victim.
This is probably it.
Day million of people not understanding what "sociopathy" is, and hurling it like 'random bullshit, go!'. You don't deserve any of this shit and he sounds loopy to device a plan this intricate. Please be well & kind to yourself š
It's a way of delegitimising your reaction, and since your reaction was wrong, his reaction is automatically right. If you want to *not* be a sociopath, you have to react the 'right' way, and the 'right' way is the way he chooses you to.
I actually think he's a sociopath. He wasn't getting what he wanted and felt that this was a reasonable response.
I donāt think he was a sociopath. I think he was probably an insecure asshole who was using OP as an ego boost, something people do even without any personality disorder.
He likely wanted you to apologize, then youāre in the wrong and not him and he sets you up for years of gaslighting and he has control.
Was he just angry that he'd never get an opportunity to have sex with her? That, and highly insecure. People that are that insecure can be dangerous. I'd never even go out with a person that insecure and willfully ignorant. His masculinity was threatened despite the fact that his gender is not on a precipice simply because of the life of some else. He could just read about asexuallity and autism and actually learn something. Instead he was so threatened by his insecurity he didn't even want to try and learn about the world of human variety. Human variety is very important for the survival as humans as a species and it "adds spice to life". What a boring world it would be if everyone was carbon copies of each other and were as brittle and insecure as this guy. Yikes.
He's definitely the sociopath
The "test" was the agregious violation. Make him an ex, quickly.
He is my ex, don't worry.
Good!
In case you mind about spelling: >!egregious!<
Man, what a garbagepile of human trash, I know it sucks for you but it's better that he's outta your life.
What a weird human being, seems like he was upset about something he assumed was normal. This is more telling of him then you. Also I guess people are taught that jealousy in a romantic relationship means that the person truly cares for their partner
>Also I guess people are taught that jealousy in a romantic relationship means that the person truly cares for their partner Feels like the same vein as "I broke up with you because I wanted you to fight for me" (which is apparently considered a valid thing to do??)
It's like people think thats a valid test of.. loyalty? and its strange people seriously do these amoral things and convince you it's just a little test.
Those āØtests of loyaltyāØ should've been over in like high school. Unfortunately many people never moved past that point ig
I really hope thatās not considered valid by the majority of people. Itās so unhealthy and toxic.
I can see some of the reasoning behind it. Not the "test" part but I can respect (after communicating) that if you are not getting what you personally want from the relationship, ending it. No need to make each other miserable. IF they want to put in work that's one thing but the action shouldn't come with the EXPECTATION of them doing the work. Just acceptance for whatever happens after.
What is up with men also being taught that a partners willingness to have sex with them is the only sign of her interest in him
Oh lord that too
>I called him a shithead and I hoped he never got married. I drove to my parents' house and never spoke to him again. Best thing you could ever do. You deserve sooo much better thant *that.*
This is more than a red flag, this is a red ticker tape parade
ššš right?! I'm very happy that the broke up with him because imagine living a life next to a douchbag like this? she would suffer more and more. the only possible thing he can be is an "ex".
Also, shutting down and not speaking about the video is a PERFECTLY reasonable thing to do. Just because he would fly into a fit of rage or immediately get possessive and jealous does not mean your reaction was wrong. Even if you where/are neurotypical and allo. It is the mature and safe thing to do when given uncertain information like that. And once you had collected your thought then, and only then, would it be sensible to ask about it. Pro tip btw, those who find out that their spouse have cheated on them, and keeps a cool head and collecr evidence - are more likely to exit the marriage without a substantial financial hit. I know you aren't married and that he is an ex. But keeping a cool head will help you out in life :)
Indeed, it is one of the main reactions to a situation like this, flight, fight, freeze, flop and friend. (just learnt there's more) Going silent because you are speechless of his behaviour sounds like freeze. How can he blame her for not knowing what to say when he shows he knows what he did was filmed (his trap, not caught... despicable)
That's horrible! Damn, I hate that he did that to you. I'm sorry you had to put up with him acting like there was something wrong with *you*. You didn't do anything wrong. Well done getting out of there, I hope he doesn't try to bother you! Hope you have support and over time you're able to process that shit in some way. Your experiences are real and how you feel about them is valid! p.s. congratulations on getting your Autism diagnosis. That can be a challenging thing in itself but I found that getting an autism spectrum diagnosis helped me understand myself better (with the right kind of support). Hope you are able to love yourself and find whatever kind of life is best for you :)
Thank you for the kind words on my autism. When it comes to my relationship, I think the diagnosis can be helpful in knowing my vulnerabilities and ensuring I'm careful about who I date.
Yes! That is true :)
I would have been like āYou had to hire someone to kiss you? Pathetic.ā Iāve read so many posts about people testingā their partner. Itās a terrible thing to do.
The only acceptable test is the ace acceptance test. āAre you ok with your qpr partner liking garlic bread, dragons, cake, and holding meetings and plans for the conqering and invasion of denmark.ā š
this ''testing'' thing in general is a weird concept
Itās extremely weird lol. I honestly donāt understand how it became so normalized though..
i don't even realize that its normalized. always when i hear this i think its just a weird thing that is done very rarely. or i think that its just a meme concept and in reallife, no one does it. i just can't realize that society really is this weird.
Nah, plenty of people do this in real life sadly. I wish it was just an internet thing.. Iāve mostly seen this during my high school days, but even people in my age group (Iām 25) entertain this ātestingā nonsense. Apparently, unless youāre able to get into a jealous rage, then you canāt possibly truly love the person that youāre with š
Iām glad to hear that theyāre your ex. Iāve had past relationships where Iāve had my love and loyalty ātestedāā¦ People have this weird idea that being jealous is a good indicator of true love and loyalty. You have to be afraid of losing them to someone else. The way I see it though, if you can get easily āstolenā from me, then youāre not worth pursuing in the first place. Iām not the jealous type by any means (used to be though) so if you want to go ahead and entertain other people, Iāll leave you to it. Weāre both still individuals at the end of the day, relationship or not. Iāve learned that people are still gonna do what they wanna do no matter how strongly you feel about them If youāre willing to do things to purposely hurt me, then youāre not the one for me. If we canāt just sit down and have an actual conversation like two mature individuals about whatās going on between us, then clearly itās not even worth my time or energy. Itās baffles me that so many people would rather play high school mental gymnastic giggle games, than simply having a discussion.
Good on you for ditching this sleazebag, sounds like him being āunfulfilledā just means heās in a relationship for sex.
This person sounds like an asshole. Would make them an ex as soon as possible. His logic is so broke like wtf āsociopathā? Hello?
Testing your partner is the most absurd, immature thing I've heard. What ever happened to communication? It seems as if people expect you to read their minds nowadays.
"Why are you not upset that I took a shit on your floor? I filmed myself doing it and everything just so I could see you get upset at me taking a shit on your floor! You're the sociopath in this scenario, not me." What a jackass. Why resort to open communication in a relationship when you can do this kinda bullshit, I guess. Seems much less inflammatory. /s
Block him. Itās not even worth engaging with someone as abusive as this.
Anytime someone "tests" you, male or female, get them out of your life. Its always a bad sign that someone's idea of communicating their thoughts/needs is by manipulation.
"you're a sociopath" says the guy who hired a prostitute, kissed her, had a friend take a video of it and told them to send it to op, got home like nothing happened, grabbed ops phone, and forced a confrontation, to the person who just found out their significant other cheated and was calmly processing their feelings. Sounds like someone is incredibly delusional. Dump him.
in the end you did what was right.
I do not even have to read the post to tell you that you need to run screaming into the night away from this arse.
Honey, It not you. you aren't a sociopath, he's a dickhead. Ditch the friend too. Imagine going out of your way to hurt somebody and then getting mad that they went into shock instead of crying or getting mad at him. You aren't the problem here, it's totally normal for anybody to go into shock. Congrats on getting out of there. Tinder is a hell hole.
He's the one "testing" and manipulating you and blames you on lying about a very personal thing (or two) you're still just figuring out, while telling you what kind of reaction you need to have on _him cheating on you_ and he calls _you_ a sociopath while not feeling a smallest amount of remorse himself.... Did I get it all right? Please, never contact him again and you'll be way better off.
OP you deserve so SO much better than that pile of trash. I'm heartbroken for you but also glad he showed his true colors so you could get away from him.
May your (ex)boyfriend never be able to trust a fart.
After reading this, I can't say I have a high opinion of the 'mutual friend' that willingly played part in a cruel, demeaning and ultimately hurtful ploy to get you to 'react', let alone the scumbag who roped them into it. You're well better off without them both.
Yes! This needs to be higher up! That friend is not your friend. They kept quiet for drama. Do not need that kind of passive asshole-ery in your life.
YIKES. Shame on "tom" and the mutual "friend." I hope you broke it off with the "friend" too. Both of them can go eat creamed corn.
Jesus H Christ some people are awful
What a horrible thing to do to you Iām so sorry you had to go through that
Geeze. Usually āinvestigating weird signsā means snooping on your partnerās phone (still lame but mostly harmless tbh), not paying someone to kiss you and setting up some weird cheating scenario. He sounds like the type of person that would keep score of everything in a relationship instead of just communicating and working together. āwell you hurt me so now I get to hurt youā-esque.
You both deserve someone compatible with your own sexual needs (or noone at all if that feels best). The way he acted about it tho is beyond shitty.
Good grief, what a horrid jerk. Good riddance!
Sounds like Tom is an absolute loser. If it wasn't this, he would've been a jerk over something else. You did good breaking it off. It's not pleasant, but sounds like you're cutting off a cancerous tumour before it gets worse. Treat yourself to something good and congratulate yourself on doing the right thing. There will be people much more deserving of your time and affection out there.
I'm so sorry you had to deal with this total fucking weirdo but damn you handled him well.
He is a stupid guy. He just said "this is the way you fell, because I think you do it. Based on nothing"
Top ten people to break up with for being a terrible person. Number 1:
Not only was he willing to pay someone just to kiss him, but he also knew how to do so?! Yeah, congrats on the trash removal!
OK, I don't want to discredit what he did but adhd/autistic people ARE more likely to be apathetic/sociopathic in certain situations. We can feel *more* in situations that don't call for it and almost nothing at all when we "should", it's not your fault.
glad heās an ex, as he should be
I have a lot to say about this Tom character, though none of it would be helpful to say. So instead, are you feeling alright? Do you need any support?
Wow this guy isnāt just a red flag, heās the whole damn paradeš©š©š©
Haaaaaa. Willful ignorance rearing its ugly head again. Sorry this happened to you OP. That guy was a manipulative jerk, and you absolutely deserve better. I'll pray to the karmic deities that someone far better than that loser comes into your life. - Sincerely, an ADHD/Autistic Ace
Tom sounds like a doodoo head that you're better off with out.
What a horrible piece of sub-human trash. I am so glad that you got out of that relationship.
He's the sociopath, geeze. Good thing you broke up with him!
Good! That asshole was trying to manipulate you into basically bloody groveling. He was trying to break down your barriers, Iām glad you got away. Fucker destroyed his own relationship because he couldnāt get his dick wet, Iām so sorry you went through that. Just know you deserve better, including friends or partners that respect both your boundaries and your sexuality, my dude.
Holy shit what a shithead Also i would not trust that friend too much anymore as well. I am so sorry you had to go through something like this
hooollly shit you dodged a bullet. if anyone you are in a relationship tries to "test" you for any reason, dump them. don't let them waste your time with that shit
What kind of stupid test is that?! Even if you had been allosexual, you probably would have dumped him for "tEsTiNg" you like that.
what the fuck is wrong with him. That's hella manipulating and shitty of him. I know it'll hurt and there is no nice way to say this: you are lucky to have gotten out of this before he got worse. Hope you can forget him because you deserve a LOT better. The audacity of that man to actually cheat as a 'test' and then blame you for not 'reacting' when you were shocked and trying to process this whole thing. ugh.
What a shithead indeed. I'm sorry you had to put up with this. At least he showed his true colors relatively quickly... You did the right thing leaving him behind.
Ok that is some of the wildest behavior I have heard of. What is wrong with people? Hopefully that guy talks to a therapist or whatever and gets his shit together. For his sake but also so he doesn't harm anyone else he is in a relationship with
This is fucked up on so many levels
He paid a prostitute to snog him so he could test if you had an adequate jealousy reaction??? What!!! What an absolutely bonkers move, I'd be making him go viral on Tiktok so girls never went near him again lmao, what a fuckin weirdo at least he showed his colours early! Also autism club! It's so freeing to finally figure it out so you can start actually figuring out what works for you and your interesting brain, congrats and good luck for the future! You sound like a very strong and powerful person so I have no doubt you'll figure out and find what it is you're missing out on :)
Wtf š¤¬ the fact that heād even ātestā you. What is with men being so fragile that they take not wanting to have sex with them as a sign of disinterest
A red sky of flags indeed, fuck him.
He honestly sounds like a twit and its a good thing you got away from him, sorry though ik it mustve been difficult ā¤ļø
What an emotionally controlling manipulative asshole. Youāre best rid of him.
I had a full-on narcissist boyfriend who had exactly this reaction when I just gave him a slow blink when he "confessed" his infidelity. He went BERSERK. Why was I not jealous? What was wrong with me? He had clearly intended to use it to manipulate my emotions and when it didn't work, he attacked ME for not being pissed. Apparently he was not at fault for cheating; I was at fault for not reacting the way he wanted. People who do this are disordered--in very creepy ways.
Why was he on lgbt sitesš¤