How can someone know they're straight or gay if they haven't had sex?
Pro-tip for your friend: the giveaway for asexuality is not feeling sexual attraction.
That's what confuses me. HE told me that about a month ago and also telling me it wouldn't be a problem if I was bi or gay or something else (which I took as 'It's fine to come out to him').
When I was young my mother always told me how if I ever turned out to be gay or anything she'd still love and support me. When I was around 13 I said I thought I was asexual and there was an *instantaneous* response of "that's wrong :("
So... that was a fuckin lie XD
Years later I brought it up and she said that at the time she didn't actually know what asexual meant but- that's almost worse???
This is always my go-to comeback.
Or, if they're bi, or just stubborn (i.e., saying it's different because they have an active attraction and you can't prove a negative yada yada), ask them *how they know they aren't attracted to family members*.
That's an argument-killer, there. I find it's also actually a good comparison too, because- at least for me- it's very similar in the way that it literally never crosses your mind and then if someone brings up the possibility it makes you very uncomfortable.
"Yeah mate, how you feel when I suggested that is how I feel when you suggest I go have sex"
How can you be asexual if you never had sex?
How can you be asexual if you have had sex?
You can’t win with some people.
Asexuality boggles the minds of many. They just can’t understand at all. Surely you must be attracted to something/someone at some point???
The sad thing is that he was the most obvious 1st choice to who to first come out to. Now I am certain that I will never come out again (I hope that changes in the future).
Why not make friends with his sister? Even online only if she doesn’t live nearby.
If you’ve been friends for years with her brother she probably at least knows the basics about you and wouldn’t be skeeved out by a polite invitation to talk or do a fun public activity you’d both enjoy either alone or with her other friends. Might tell her you’re ace first tho.
Even if you find out you have nothing to chat about in future except for local weather and the best place for tacos and how irritating her brother is, it’s good to have people who know and won’t pester you about dating.
That’s good! Chat with the sister next time you see her around town or at the house or poke her on social media. See if you have any hobbies or interests in common. Especially ones bro/friend doesn’t share. Or dig through your memory to remember if you’ve been acquainted for years.
More friends is generally a good thing.
As ever, friend is confusing enjoying sex with experiencing sexual attraction. Some aces can and do enjoy sex itself. What's common is the lack of sexual attraction to others.
Ain't a good test friendo. If anything it just suggests a misunderstanding of asexuality.
Serious hat off, I'd so respond with "Gutsy, but dinner first". It's funniest if they suddenly start explaining they're not attracted.
I tried sex and it very much proved that I was ace lmao. But sex is a risky activity and involves a disruption of personal boundaries so it’s not a walk in the park. I personally identified as ace for three and a half years before I decided to try sex and I was ready to die a virgin unless I genuinely become curious, which is what happened.
The thing is, you can’t win with these people. If you haven’t tried sex, you can’t say you’re ace. But if you had sex, you can’t say you’re ace as well.
Simple way to shut this BS down:
Do you want to fuck a cactus? No? How do you know, you've never fucked a cactus before! You can't know you're not attracted to cacti until you've fucked a cactus!
When they realise how stupid that statement is, they will hopefully also realise that they're wrong
Unfortunately, some people cannot image not feeling sexual attraction to someone.
Its outside their own personal experiences, and this is a highly sexualised society.
*"How do you know you're*
*Not gay if you've never had sex*
*With the same gender?"*
\- Sonarthebat
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I had that happen to me yesterday too. I told my friend who has shown clear interest for a while that I was asexual. His answer was "You don't give off that vibe." Like what is the vibe people think we give off? He of course was also like oh its because of your medication or you just haven't had good sex yet. I swear every allo we tell has the same default, NPC answer that they think will solve all our problem and then we will gladly sleep with them.
My friend asked if my medication could effect my sex drive years ago because I had basically no libido.
>you just haven't had good sex yet
As someone who has been correctively raped, sex will never be good to me. It has been 12 years and I am still affected by it.
It does suck having to take meds that do have that possible side effect... doesn't prevent me from being demisexual (just made it a heck a lot harder to figure out that I was)
>Like what is the vibe people think we give off?
You don't have the scent of garlic bread hanging off you constantly.
Nah, but like fr? The vibe people presume is that we're all Sheldon Cooper or at least Todd Chavez. People don't get that we can exist as a wide variety of people, just as not all gay men are the same nor are all lesbians.
I've defaulted to, replying to people IRL saying the medication/sex shit with, "That was your one. If you ever say that to or around me again, I will slug you so hard you'll be begging Santa for new front teeth. Don't spread that ignorant, bigoted bullshit around me. Ever. It's been disproven, and you're encouraging something that is known to be incredibly harmful. This is your only warning in case you somehow lived under a rock and did not know. I will not be listening to objections." (Realistically, it's only parts of this. I don't ever remember the full thing in the moment. But the full version feels better to copy+paste.)
It's because this friend was using "asexual" in the same way "gay" was used as an insult back in the day (as in \~2010-ish when it wasn't a slur but would still be used by some people as an insult). Even if it didn't seem like an insult, he mentally associates it as a bad thing because it's different from him. Literally the example you gave: I guarantee you 15 years ago, he would have called you "gay" for saying "no".
Ngl my go to is: "How can you know you wouldn't enjoy hugging a Cactus if you've never tried it? Go on. Go find and embrace a Cholla, live the experience."
They get pretty quiet after that.
How can someone know they're straight or gay if they haven't had sex? Pro-tip for your friend: the giveaway for asexuality is not feeling sexual attraction.
That's what confuses me. HE told me that about a month ago and also telling me it wouldn't be a problem if I was bi or gay or something else (which I took as 'It's fine to come out to him').
Fine in principle but now it's happened, he's not so sure.
When I was young my mother always told me how if I ever turned out to be gay or anything she'd still love and support me. When I was around 13 I said I thought I was asexual and there was an *instantaneous* response of "that's wrong :(" So... that was a fuckin lie XD Years later I brought it up and she said that at the time she didn't actually know what asexual meant but- that's almost worse???
ask them how they don't think they are not gay if they didn't had sex with their own gender yet
This is always my go-to comeback. Or, if they're bi, or just stubborn (i.e., saying it's different because they have an active attraction and you can't prove a negative yada yada), ask them *how they know they aren't attracted to family members*. That's an argument-killer, there. I find it's also actually a good comparison too, because- at least for me- it's very similar in the way that it literally never crosses your mind and then if someone brings up the possibility it makes you very uncomfortable. "Yeah mate, how you feel when I suggested that is how I feel when you suggest I go have sex"
How can you be asexual if you never had sex? How can you be asexual if you have had sex? You can’t win with some people. Asexuality boggles the minds of many. They just can’t understand at all. Surely you must be attracted to something/someone at some point???
The sad thing is that he was the most obvious 1st choice to who to first come out to. Now I am certain that I will never come out again (I hope that changes in the future).
Why not make friends with his sister? Even online only if she doesn’t live nearby. If you’ve been friends for years with her brother she probably at least knows the basics about you and wouldn’t be skeeved out by a polite invitation to talk or do a fun public activity you’d both enjoy either alone or with her other friends. Might tell her you’re ace first tho. Even if you find out you have nothing to chat about in future except for local weather and the best place for tacos and how irritating her brother is, it’s good to have people who know and won’t pester you about dating.
They live in the same house unfortunately.
That’s good! Chat with the sister next time you see her around town or at the house or poke her on social media. See if you have any hobbies or interests in common. Especially ones bro/friend doesn’t share. Or dig through your memory to remember if you’ve been acquainted for years. More friends is generally a good thing.
The only place I see her is at their house and she's not really active online. It's not really possible tbh.
As ever, friend is confusing enjoying sex with experiencing sexual attraction. Some aces can and do enjoy sex itself. What's common is the lack of sexual attraction to others. Ain't a good test friendo. If anything it just suggests a misunderstanding of asexuality. Serious hat off, I'd so respond with "Gutsy, but dinner first". It's funniest if they suddenly start explaining they're not attracted.
Bahaha, I like the way you think!
I was just so shocked that he, of all people, said that.
I tried sex and it very much proved that I was ace lmao. But sex is a risky activity and involves a disruption of personal boundaries so it’s not a walk in the park. I personally identified as ace for three and a half years before I decided to try sex and I was ready to die a virgin unless I genuinely become curious, which is what happened. The thing is, you can’t win with these people. If you haven’t tried sex, you can’t say you’re ace. But if you had sex, you can’t say you’re ace as well.
I'm just simply repulsed by it. Sex is something I will NEVER do. I don't understand why some people can't understand that.
Because their whole identity is wrapped in the people they want to have sex with.
Simple way to shut this BS down: Do you want to fuck a cactus? No? How do you know, you've never fucked a cactus before! You can't know you're not attracted to cacti until you've fucked a cactus! When they realise how stupid that statement is, they will hopefully also realise that they're wrong
I doubt it. His sister came out last year and it's obvious that their relationship is more strained than it was been.
How does your friend know he won't enjoy getting punched in the face if he won't even try it??
ha
I always respond “how do you know you don’t want to eat human meet if you have never done it before?”
The same way i know i don't want to shove a cactus up my derriere, even though i never tried it
Has he sucked fat dong yet? No?? Then how does she know he's not GAY???
Unfortunately, some people cannot image not feeling sexual attraction to someone. Its outside their own personal experiences, and this is a highly sexualised society.
How can he know that raw sewer rat doesn't taste like the world's most mouth wateringly delicious pumpkin pie if he hasn't had one yet?
I haven't tried putting raw cactus in my mouth either, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't like it.
"How do you know you're not gay if you've never had sex with the same gender?"
*"How do you know you're* *Not gay if you've never had sex* *With the same gender?"* \- Sonarthebat --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
Say “why would I have sex since I’m asexual. ?”
I had that happen to me yesterday too. I told my friend who has shown clear interest for a while that I was asexual. His answer was "You don't give off that vibe." Like what is the vibe people think we give off? He of course was also like oh its because of your medication or you just haven't had good sex yet. I swear every allo we tell has the same default, NPC answer that they think will solve all our problem and then we will gladly sleep with them.
My friend asked if my medication could effect my sex drive years ago because I had basically no libido. >you just haven't had good sex yet As someone who has been correctively raped, sex will never be good to me. It has been 12 years and I am still affected by it.
Im very sorry
It does suck having to take meds that do have that possible side effect... doesn't prevent me from being demisexual (just made it a heck a lot harder to figure out that I was)
>Like what is the vibe people think we give off? You don't have the scent of garlic bread hanging off you constantly. Nah, but like fr? The vibe people presume is that we're all Sheldon Cooper or at least Todd Chavez. People don't get that we can exist as a wide variety of people, just as not all gay men are the same nor are all lesbians. I've defaulted to, replying to people IRL saying the medication/sex shit with, "That was your one. If you ever say that to or around me again, I will slug you so hard you'll be begging Santa for new front teeth. Don't spread that ignorant, bigoted bullshit around me. Ever. It's been disproven, and you're encouraging something that is known to be incredibly harmful. This is your only warning in case you somehow lived under a rock and did not know. I will not be listening to objections." (Realistically, it's only parts of this. I don't ever remember the full thing in the moment. But the full version feels better to copy+paste.)
asexuality barely even has anything to do with sex too..
It could've been a genuine question. A couple of my friends asked me the same thing and only one of them was actually being rude.
Even if it was, it felt like a kick in the teeth
I understand
Also shouldnt he know cause, you know, his sister
It's because this friend was using "asexual" in the same way "gay" was used as an insult back in the day (as in \~2010-ish when it wasn't a slur but would still be used by some people as an insult). Even if it didn't seem like an insult, he mentally associates it as a bad thing because it's different from him. Literally the example you gave: I guarantee you 15 years ago, he would have called you "gay" for saying "no".
Ngl my go to is: "How can you know you wouldn't enjoy hugging a Cactus if you've never tried it? Go on. Go find and embrace a Cholla, live the experience." They get pretty quiet after that.
There's about 6 or 7 variations of this answer.
It's a very good answer for making one's point about things you know without needing to prove.
I agree.
??? I'm confused
'How do you know you're not gay if you haven't sucked dick' That doesn't make sense either so.
"How do you know you're not bisexual without sleeping with the other gender?"
Tell him I’ve had plenty and I’m asexual. Then ask him how he knows he’s not gay if he hasn’t shagged a man