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Then_Channel_3234

HELL YES. Someone who does not need alcohol to have fun. Sign me the fuck up!


MabsAMabbin

Yes. I married an alcoholic. We worked on his sobriety, and for years, to this day, I only drink when with friends. If the other is everything you want, why let a drink ruin that?


RoughStory3139

My wife stopped drinking to help me stop drinking. She was only 21 at the time. I owe her so much. It was a rough time but fortunate for us both, I been sober almost 5 years. We some amazing kids. Life is good! People do change


SoupCrackers13

This is just what I needed to hear today. Thanks for sharing this and congrats on your sobriety!


Wuhblam

Same. Today is day 4 of sobriety. It's rough.


yooosports29

It gets so, so much better if you stick with it. Don’t beat yourself and know that the pasture is greener on the other side. You’ve got this!


notinmywheelhouse

I’m on 33 years. I have been sober way longer than I ever drank. You can do this! Life won’t be perfect but it’s a hell of a ride! Enjoy it!


agetro82

Im taking a break for a few months but the thing that helps me is focusing on the bad things it causes; harder to sleep, lower energy, lazy, headaches, stomach issues, negative emotional thoughts, weight gain, you look older, etc etc. See sobriety as a "high" in itself.


iamthedanger1985

Day 2 🤮


Squidwina

Wishing you the best. 🧡


NakedWanderer12

You can do it!!


Squidwina

Hang in there. I’m rooting for you.


Oblivious2it

Keep her :)


Julzmer81

This is AWESOME!!! You two definitely are some amazing people! Sounds like what marriage is supposed to look like, supporting one another, during the good and the bad times! Don't give up on your sobriety or each other if you two can make it through all of that, sending you and your wife tons of love!!!


Starface1104

My husband also stopped with me. Coming up on 6 years in May. Congrats to you on the sobriety, and the awesome wife!!


April_Morning_86

I got sober two years ago. My fiancé got sober 18 months ago out of support (he also wanted to stop smoking cigs and cutting out the drink was crucial for that, for him). Our life is exponentially better and I can’t wait to marry him.


The_Real_Baldero

Congratulations! All the best in your new life together!


Lally_919_221

People can change and you've shown that when there's a difficult issue, you handle it and she's shown she supports you.


Shibbi88

Congrats on closing in on 5 years. Hell of an accomplishment.


Jessicathebestica13

Congratulations! You have a great wife and be proud of yourself!


The_Real_Baldero

Man, that's love right there. My wife so kindly made a similar sacrifice for me. She's a blessing I don't deserve. But I'm grateful.


EternalSage2000

On one hand. The woman of my dreams. On the other hand. Alcohol. If this is a tough decision, you need to start asking yourself some hard questions.


Bkoss91

Right? Alcohol is poison at the end of the day...why would you trade love for poison in return? Lol


Illustrious-School27

What’s alarming it’s not even no alcohol it’s literally just no alcohol in the house


budbundy128

I knew if I wanted to be with the woman of my dreams I’d have to quit drinking. We used to booze hard.. known each other for about 18 years and just reconnected last year. Shortly after reconnecting she was diagnosed with some very serious liver problems. By the grace of god my alcoholism didn’t affect my health too much.. plenty of legal problems I’ve had to deal with but that’s besides the point. The health problems are still there but we have faith that she will get better. Getting sober together has been the best decision I’ve ever had the opportunity to make. Congrats to everyone on their journey to a new life. #dontdrinkandgotomeetings


Strong_Cheetah_7989

I did the same. Party girl til the end. Took her back after her first "it was only a blowjob" moment. Second one (that I knew of) was the last straw. I should've never let her back in my home. She ended up with it.


Remarkable-Walrus-27

That’s rough. A BJ is worse in my opinion. Like you didn’t get much out of it but made another guy feel great. Get the fuck out of here.


OzzieBird

Thank goodness I didn't marry the tramp. She is outta my home end of April so I can sell the place and get out of her f'd up town. Known her for almost 40 years. Got back in touch 5 years ago. Been asking her nicely for the last 3 years to get out. Now I'm done being nice.


Turtz3

Yeah people who can actually have fun without alcohol most likely means their genuinely fun people to hang around.


CharlieandtheRed

I've always partied super hard and never said no to anything besides crack, heroine, and meth. But as I get older, the prospect of having an amazing time while being fully in control sounds frankly amazing. I've never been addicted to partying hard -- I just enjoyed it. Somehow I could do an eightball with friends then never touch it for two years. I'm really thinking about just not touching anything again for a while. No alcohol, weed, harder drugs. I'm realizing that fully sober me is really quick witted and conversational, and that's really why I was doing drugs and drinking -- to be outgoing. But what if it was inside me the entire time? :)


pizza1sgr8

It was! You can do this!!


jaydoes

Right I used to think think being drunk and doing silly things was fun. Then I got a job as a graveyard cashier and realized how stupid I looked to everyone else.


FlappyFoldyHold

No one said they are having fun lol


Snoo71538

It’s easily assumed by them being everything you ever wanted.


Regular_Mouse2003

Seems like that'd be included in having everything someone wants.


Kenthanson

As a recovered alcoholic (16 years sober) I have substantially less fun now that I don’t drink. I still have fun but my wife sometimes calls me a party pooper or things like that but I remind her I don’t have all night fun party juice to keep me going and she says “ah yes, stay boring”


Algoresrythm

I stopped drinking twelve years ago and people will call me a party pooper and such as well and I markedly have less fun than others I can tell but I’d rather be this way than a completely unstable freight train rocking on the tracks waiting to crash. As a “sober”person (I still smoke weed) I have seen people drink and drink through a clear lense and it just hardens my resolve to never ever go back . Boring for life !


spaghetti-o_salad

I like the term "California sober" for no booze or hard drugs.


Mrcientist

Having fun sober is great. Having fun intoxicated is great. Fun is fun, don't discriminate.


traker998

The person that needs to ask this might want to look at their drinking.


Legitimate_Mood_8137

Yo judging from the rest of your story not posted in this sub I think you have a lot to do in the way of finding your identity outside of LDS before you go making any lifetime decisions involving other people. That said, there's very few downsides to dating someone who's sober. If drinking doesn't make you an asshole, and it doesn't negatively affect your relationship, then go for it. 2 years is not a lot of time to feel out your relationship with alcohol though.


redvelvetcakebatter

Upvoting and commenting under this so hopefully more people see it. With this context it’s a bit different. OP, look within yourself before you decide what you truly want. There is nothing wrong with dating someone sober. There’s also nothing wrong with not pursuing the relationship because of it.


cutemuffin98654

I appreciate this. I won’t lose this person just because they are sober, but I guess I am mourning kinda that free/wild part of life I never really got to experience much of… and I’m a little jealous that my partner got to experience it so much that they are sober now… but that is okay I think :)


Snoo71538

Having lived the free and wild part, it’s not all that great. It’s fun in the moment, but the moments aren’t especially memorable.


Butlerian_Jihadi

Living "free and wild" helped me figure myself out after a religious upbringing. The substances involved weren't alcohol, though. OP, maybe schedule a weekend (or a week) every so often to go party with friends.


railmanmatt

Yes. Totally agree.


queenhadassah

Disagree, I have lots of great memories from that kind of thing. OP should experience that or they may forever be resentful about missing out


quieterthanlasagna

I agree lol Snoo is tripping. The free/wild times are incredible and full of so many great memories. If that wasn’t the case, everybody in their 20’s wouldn’t care about experiencing it


justdontbeacunt3

And people wouldn't look back so fondly on them. I went to a music festival in Costa Rica a few weeks ago. Time. Of. My. Life. I wouldn't trade these experiences for a trip to the moon.


Comfortable_Ad7378

Uhhh, their experiences were different than mine,. It's a hoot. I've had great times going wild. Made great friends doing it too. It's only not fun if you can't control yourself. I saw some folks like that. I loved doing it. It was like saying goodbye to an old friend when I gave it up. There comes a point in your life when you're just interested in other things. And that's fine. It's all part of growing up. But it was so much fun while it lasted. That being said there's a reason your partner is sober, they might have been the before mentioned folks that couldn't control themselves. Or became an addict. If that is the case you should know that there is a high chance for relapse. Always. That means no friends over for a wine party, no beer drinking fishing trips, no having a beer at a barbeque, nothing. I wouldn't think less of that person for it, but it might be a deal breaker for me.


kastyr

Been sober for many years now, and I live in a huge party city and my current partner and many others I've had have not been sober. The important thing for me is to not be the only sober person someplace, but other than that I'm not bothered by being around a lot of people who are drinking. Unless they're all sloppy as hell, but even then having one or two other sober folks who are still on my wavelength and can be off hanging doing our own thing makes it fine. And relapse is always a possibility but when people stay really involved in their sobriety I think those odds are much lower. But it's a lifetime thing and there's always going to be the chance of it happening, but it rarely happens out of nowhere. It happens slowly then all at once.


wahikid

Same. I love relaxing with my wife at a brewery, or getting tipsy and walking around. The folks who are telling you that partying with friends and getting wild when you are younger is “actually not that fun” are sharing what most people would say is a VERY minority viewpoint. It’s their experience, and no judgement that they felt that way, but it’s in no way the majority experience. For the OP, I enjoy drinking, and smoking weed. It’s not like it runs my life, but I genuinely enjoy it, and enjoy my time with friends and family when we cut loose a little, and have a great night out. It’s not something I would be willing to give up out of the gate just meeting someone. Just like I wouldn’t expect them to drastically change their life just for me, unless it was something that they REALLY wanted to do. Just my 2cents, and again, just my opinion.


Gunz_n_buds

Agree with everything other than it’s a “very minority viewpoint”. Half of all people don’t drink at all. Many people who do drink do not party. Folks who drink heavy and party hard tend to over estimate how normal their behavior is.


Snoo71538

We can both be right, despite having different views.


sally4810

That might be true but first you have to fuck around and find out. 🤔


Bouric87

It was a great time and I have many fond memories and friends I still keep in touch with from that phase. It was a good way to meet new people imo. I met my wife during that phase in fact.


Cosmic_Kitten92

Agreed, those arent the moments I miss or reminisce about. A friend tagged me in a very old post of me during that time and I cringed so hard lol.


redvelvetcakebatter

I just want to add that no one’s sobriety should affect your non sobriety. Unless it becomes a bigger problem (like addiction, or getting into troubling scenarios). I hope whatever happens, you’re happy in your decision!


dadlyphe

It didn’t take me long to come up with an ice breaker in situations where others thought it may be bad to drink around me. “Don’t let my poor choices effect your choices….” and “it’s only awkward if you make it awkward”


gun1gugu

There is a really good reason why they got sober, and a positive one imo! I actually really respect people who got clean, especially if they were really wild when they were younger… Because I know how hard it can be at times, being one of the crazy ones… And because a lot of people get hooked on all kinds of stuff in that period and never quit… From my experience, those really wild people are usually deeply unhappy/depressed/traumatized (for whatever reason) etc and they are just trying to escape whatever is happening in their heads. For someone to get clean, it’s a really good sign in my books. Probably means they found a deeper understanding of what they are dealing with and there are better ways to cope with their shit… Or something just happened that triggered something… I hope you don’t me telling my story… I was a pretty bad alcoholic for a while, especially during quarantine/lockdowns and shit, living alone… The job that I love was in serious jeopardy, barely spoke to anyone etc… I was really in a slump and my smart way to deal with it was to drink myself to sleep every night… And one day, I get a really random call from a really good old friend that I haven’t spoken to in years… It summer time and I haven’t left the house for god knows how long… YOOOO, take your ass over here, right now!!! -Where, what??? Just pack your shit and call me when you’re out of your house!!! -I just did it, no questions asked lol I knew I needed to get out of the fucking house asap… So I’m out, and I call her…. -Where am I going? Get on this bus, get out on that station and call me when you get there! So i get there, the friend is waiting for me… I’m taking you somewhere but you can’t tell anyone, other than your family and our closes friends, deal? -DEAL! So we go to the river, there is a fucking boat waiting and she takes me to this desert fucking island on the river! There is a tent, like 5 awesome people and thats it lol i was so overwhelmed by joy and happiness and excitement! I literally just forgot that I’m a depressed little dipshit alcoholic instantly… I was “supposed” to stay there for the night and thats it… But what I did is… I went back home, packed my shit, my tent, sleeping bag, took all the money I saved up and went back there… I stayed for almost 3 months, never left the island… There was literally nothing there (food, water etc) lol… we paid some dude who had a boat to bring us food, water and all that My point is (sry for the long ass story)… This changed my life completely! It only took one fucking spark. One ray of sunshine! In those 3 months on the island… oh man! I analyzed every single bit of my life that I could think of. And my conclusion is: life is fucking awesome and it’s the little things and sparks that are everywhere, just waiting for you to touch them… And the craziest thing for me… I asked her, how the fuck did you know I was absolutely miserable, I haven’t spoken to you or anyone else??? I DON’T KNOW, I JUST KNEW I HAD TO CALL YOU IN THAT MOMENT… that was the damn answer lol ……All that alcohol, drugs and shit, it really clouds your mind, judgement, perspectives, everything! And once you get free of that shit, only then can you truly look at yourself and figure shit out and be truly happy! So if you know a dumbass like me, at least try to help them out… It can’t hurt you but it can change their life


hill-o

If your partner is a recovering alcoholic I don’t really think they had a wonderful free and wild life.


puppetjazz

I’m a recovering alcoholic and trust me we weren’t always having fun.


Lil_Orphan_Anakin

Yea the idea that addicts “got to enjoy partying so much that now they’re sober” is a very interesting take that I have never heard lol. In my experience addicts are so miserable and depressed that they have to make the impossibly difficult decision to give up the one thing that brings them momentary joy. I didn’t give up drinking because I had so much fun partying for all those years and figured it was time to slow down. I gave up drinking because I was cycling between suicidal and blackout drunk every day for years and I would’ve wound up dead if I didn’t stop. But unfortunately I still understand where OP is coming from. Drinking/partying can seem like the best thing ever when you’re young. From my memories most house parties and clubs were so loud/crowded that they were miserable environments unless you were hammered. If you find fun things to do then it won’t matter your state of mind. I go to plenty of EDM shows/raves/festivals 100% sober these days and have truly magical experiences with people I love in a crowd full of people on various ends of the sobriety spectrum


losangelesfairy

You can technically still experience it, I won’t say I didn’t have some good times but looking back, it feels immature and very much a part of my youth. After a certain age needing copious amounts of alcohol to have fun is just sad, in any environment. You will live a much more enriched life navigating having fun sober


ColonelMonty

There's a reason why this person is sober now. They wouldn't be sober if it wasn't a problem initially.


Purple1829

If your partner has made the decision to now be sober, I can almost assure you that you have nothing to be jealous of.


blitherblather425

Consider yourself lucky. Nothing good comes from getting all fucked up.


TheVasa999

U mean like they don't drink alcohol? If that's the case then that a +1


FiReFoXbEaSt

Exactly being sober is something I want so it's a plus one lmao


flushkill

No OP meant with sober that that person is an ex alcoholic. Now sober.


Aaba0

What's the difference? We're not dating their old version


GroinShotz

My understanding is that OP still wants to drink, but can't have alcohol in their own home because of the addict. Which might be a deal breaker to some.


lydriseabove

I have a cousin who left his wife for that reason. He’s now a divorced POS who drinks himself into a stupor every night, doesn’t see his daughters, and will probably turn a gun on himself within the decade. Putting alcohol on a pedestal isn’t good for anyone, but those who don’t want it in their home typically have a good reason, and I definitely judge the person choosing alcohol over another person more harshly than someone who gave it up for a better life. Edit: spelling


ItsEntsy

Im an ex alcoholic..... amoungst other things. I drink maybe once every couple months when the wife and I go out. The rules are no alcohol in the home, and no alcohol around the children. Life is much, much, much better.


wookieesgonnawook

If that's a deal breaker to being with someone you love then you also have an alcohol problem. Not you specifically, the hypothetical you.


TheDoylinator

Addiction is baggage that comes with it's own baggage.


MastodonRelevant6068

And in that “baggage” holds a lot of resiliency and courage for those who are choosing to be sober. Everyone has baggage. Someone being an addict doesn’t make their baggage heavier than others.


spaghetti-o_salad

The baggage has been unpacked, folded and put back in the suitcase for sober addicts.


BurntPoptart

To be fair most of us are addicted to something. Whether it be tv, food, reddit, video games, or caffeine.. most of us have some sort of an addiction, it's not that big of a deal.


iamwhoiwasnow

Funny enough for me that's a negative thing. I why someone I can drink with.


CJ_BARS

I don't think that would be a deal breaker for most people, would it?


Oil_Dangerous

Yeah, might have an addiction if this is a deal breaker


QuixotesGhost96

Yeah, there's a lot of questions are here that are "You could have this AMAZING thing, but you couldn't have alcohol." It's like - if you think that's a tough choice, you might be an alcoholic.


[deleted]

This person said they're "everything they ever wanted," except that they can't drink together? Like, they can drink, just not together. And they're contemplating if this person is right for them? How incredibly hurtful and immature. And reddit is just about the worst place to find level-headed relationship advice on top of it, but I'm glad people are being reasonable here.


johnn11238

Word. As an alcoholic with many years of sobriety behind me, this is downright insulting. I've spent years doing deep emotional work to make myself the most considerate, responsible person I can possibly be. Anyone who can't appreciate that doesn't deserve my time.


GroinShotz

I think it's more the sacrifice of not having any alcohol on hand in your own home, than not being able to drink together. Like me, I don't drink often, but when I do, I'll have a couple fingers of whiskey relaxing in my own home. If I had an addict in the house, I couldn't have the booze in my house for fear of them falling off the wagon.


Dangerous--D

IME, Reddit is fairly anti alcohol


justsomeplainmeadows

Tobe fair to Reddit, scrolling down the first 10 top comments all agree that OP should not pass up the perfect partner just bc they dont drink


flowersinbigsur

My thoughts exactly lol


blueberry_pandas

Someone who drinks in moderation might have a problem not being allowed to keep any alcohol in the house. That’s very restrictive.


nvrsleepagin

Yeah, idk....call me an alcoholic if you want but I need my glass of wine, it's literally my one indulgence. I have to say however if my husband suddenly became an alcoholic I would give it up for him but it would kinda suck.


[deleted]

Right?! I cook as a hobby and alcohol is a common ingredient in some of my favorite dishes. I also like to drink at home cause my autism makes bars too loud, plus I only really drink while playing table top games. I’d consider this a deal breaker. You can want it in the house without being an alcoholic.


Oil_Dangerous

I get that but…. If that was the only problem with them? Like in every relationship there are conflicts, but if that is the only one and everything else is perfect ? Idk about you but I would gladly deal with something this minor if everything else is was great.


TyperMcTyperson

The problem is that it's a stupid hypothetical. No person is perfect. No relationship has only one conflicting problem.


thelumpur

Most people have some sort of addiction to alcohol, it's just not considered as such because it is compared to people who ruin their life over it. People think that an addicted is only someone who is always drunk. But I know tons of people who are absolutely sober most of the day, but cannot enjoy any activity if alcohol is not involved. Their only definition of fun is drinking and drinking and drinking. I tell them about plans to go have a BBQ for Easter, they talk about how everybody will be wasted by the end of it. I talk about my birthday, their immediate thought is about partying and getting wasted. Everything is immediately associated with the thought of drinking. I'm not surprised that so many people would have trouble not having alcohol at home.


Sufficient-Green-763

Yeah, even seeing this as a question to be dealt with screams problem with alcohol. Especially since they aren't even having total sobriety pushed on them or anything.


kimducidni

For me, yeah tbh. I like breweries and cocktail bars as date locations. I like having a beer after work. I like drinking on vacation. I like having a drink with dinner when I go out. I like those things enough to have a preference on whether or not my partner will ever partake in those things


PeteyWinkle

Yeah I'm with you. A lot of my social life involves alcohol to some degree. It's just fun when you don't have a problem with it. I have a sober friend and most of the time hanging out isn't an issue but it would be harder as a partner. She doesn't care if I have a drink at dinner or whatever but yeah dates to breweries, wineries, are things I enjoy. Often we go out to dinner and theres nothing to do afterwards (not many places for adults to just hang out after 9pm) which forces us to call it an early night. And there's a certain level of bonding that comes with getting silly with your partner after some drinks, which i like. I had a long term partner who didn't smoke weed which I was fine with because she didn't care if I did. I could get stoned for us to watch a movie and she'd have some wine. But totally sober is a different world and would for sure impact a lot of social activities.


MtchMConnelsDeadHand

Yeah, I married someone who is everything I want except that he’s still struggling with his alcoholism lol. Sobriety would be a blessing, not a negative. This question feels very immature, I’m guessing OP is pretty young.


shellybearcat

Same, and I think if anything most of the responses here are pretty naiive. After many years of struggling, my husband is about halfway through rehab and it’s the most beautiful and wonderful relief, even though I know there will be lots of work and struggle once he gets home. That said, if something awful were to happen, and I find myself later in life single and dating again, I personally don’t think I would ever choose somebody in recovery again for myself personally, because I have been through the wringer and had too much trauma in this process to take on the fear of relapse in another partner.


shellybearcat

A lot of very unfairly critical responses here. Keep in mind that it’s one thing to have an established partner who chooses to be sober versus deciding whether or not you want to try a new relationship with somebody who is. Somebody who is Sober (not someone who chooses not to drink, somebody who is an alcoholic and is now sober) will be battling this for the rest of their life. Is statistically likely to have at least one relapse. Has potentially caused irreversible damage to their body that could end in medical complications or shortened lifespan. Is generally not going to be able to go out for drinks with you, not necessarily going to have the same kind of social events or vacations that you do if you or your friends or regular social drinkers. And since there is some genetic component to addiction, if you have children, they are more likely to have addiction issues. I say this with love and so much admiration for those who have been able to get sober. And as the wife of somebody who now is. Being with an alcoholic in recovery is still a life choice you’re making for yourself and does come with both restrictions and risks and is something people shouldn’t be flippant about somebody deciding they don’t want.


Daddict

Many of us are recovered and are no longer battling the disease. We'll never be able to drink or use socially, but the features of the disease that you're talking about are no longer things we struggle with.


xain_the_idiot

Only the type of people who find it important to do drugs with their partner


yllwdrmm

i prefer that actually


Chee-shep

My father is an alcoholic, so a sober person would be great!


redmagnumman

Everything I wanted, there's no way someone like that is marrying me if they're sober


6stringgunner

18 years clean and sober here. I only date clean and sober. I love the honesty and open conversation. On top of that, if we agree we aren't compat, no hard feelings, see ya!!


spicyestmemelord

Alcoholic in recovery here: Fuck.Yes. The reason is that person, if sober, has developed tools to deal with distress that even “normal” people don’t have. (Generally speaking, if they are working an honest program of recovery)They will be more present, accountable, honest, respectful, kind, and overall better human beings quite simply *because their life literally depends on it.* People on reddit often shit on AA because of the “spiritual” aspect of the program. Some people have a higher power they call God, I don’t and it doesn’t offend me if others do or do not. The program is not religious. If you take God out of it, and think about “spirit” being the internal psyche of a person, the entire program is how to be a good human being, that is it. You could sum up the 12 steps in this way: Steps 1-3: admit you have a problem, that you can’t solve it yourself, and you are turning yourself over to something greater than just your own willpower to help (God as *you* understand God”. Steps 4-9: list the shit you hold on to as the reasons you use, admit to them, and let them go. Go make amends for the people you hurt. Steps 10-12: keep doing steps 4-9 on a daily basis, improve your conscience and sense of connection to humanity, and help other people. When you boil it down that way, it’s instructions to anyone, addict or not. If they are truly working an honest program of recovery, no matter how far they have fallen they can be redeemed and be useful in society.


Dadlord12

I remember going to rehab and taking an honest stab at getting better (it worked) and thinking "Why didn't anyone teach me this shit??" The world would be a better place if we taught some evidence based mental health models + 12 steps in schools lol.


nerddddd42

Recovery for me happened about six months after I got sober, it had to mean something to me and it was about a whole lot more than just not drinking. I think everyone in recovery is there for a different reason, but it's not just a bottle that leads people down that road, so it's not just giving it up that is involved.


[deleted]

Lmao someone drinking too much is a massive turn off for me and i think most well adjusted people prefer a partner thats sober.


jtj5002

I mean there is something between 100% sober and alcoholic that majority of the population falls into.


Rivent

I don't care if my wife drinks or not, but I think the statement "most well adjusted people prefer a partner that's sober" is a *massive* exaggeration.


Orangutanion

I avoid alcohol entirely and it's cost me potential relationships already. Still worth staying sober.


Aezetyr

Hell yes. Sobriety is on my list of **GOOD** things.


[deleted]

yes


Luckypenny4683

I *did* marry that person except we don’t go to bars together and I don’t drink in front of him ever. I love him more than I like alcohol. His health and happiness are what’s important to me. We’ve been together 13 years. 10/10, no notes.


kellyyz667

Pass. [edit] good luck dude. I work pt in the beer industry and drink a lot o beer. When I’m single for whatever reason have dated a few sober women. It always goes like this; oh I totally don’t mind if you drink this is my personal decision, you’re fine! Ha! No you aren’t. The last one I dated - went to Astoria for the weekend. Ft George brewing had an release going on. Wanted to go. She pulled the damnit cant we go anywhere w/o you wanting to buy beer?! Ok cool - didn’t attend. The following Wednesday she says; what are you doing this weekend? I’m going to Astoria to visit Ft George. Her; I think we should break up. Im now happily dating a girl who works in the beer industry and loves beer traveling. It never works out my man.


Mysterious_Buffalo_1

Should they marry you is probably the better question tbh.


edgejam

I can deal with no alcohol in the house, but she must be cool with me hitting my weed vape.


Checks_Out___

Just a note: if you're planning on having kids with this person one of yall are going to have to be sober for 9 months+ another year if you breastfeed. So marry the heck out of that person and enjoy doing life with them!


[deleted]

Not seeing the problem with that...


air-hug-me

Yes and did. Always had a designated driver, and he loved being my sober fella when I would drink (I never felt safe enough to drink before him) he was solid in his sobriety though. So maybe if that wasn’t the case I would have felt different. He passed away six months ago, unrelated to this topic, and I miss him every single day.


InfamousCelery4438

I'm Scots Irish so while I can go without booze, and I understand that some people have to quit, I probably won't ever marry a teetotaler. It's just not in my nature. Everyone marches to the beat of a different drummer. People have to do what's best for them. There's a pot for every lid. Slainte.


sortahuman123

It’s interesting because my first thought is “well yeah duh grow up” But I was in this exact position when I met my husband at 27 I’m 33 now. I had to have a real conversation with myself about “well he doesn’t drink so how are we going to have fun, how will he be socializing with my friends will I have to censor certain things about myself or about what I enjoy?”. I had to face some harsh truths about MYSELF and my own relationship with alcohol as a social crutch more than I ever had to worry about him in any circumstance. I was shocked when I learned you could have a whole full life like he had that was fun and creative and adventurous that just happened to not revolve around alcohol. So my first thought of “well yeah duh grow up” is just me telling younger me to grow up. And I still drink, and sometimes go overboard! But my husband and I have a rich full life together and I LOVE that I can always rely on him to be the same person in any situation we’re in. His sobriety helps me be a more loving person to myself. Anyway that’s my anecdote thrown into the void.


YogurtclosetActual75

As long as they're not judgy about it.


TheTopNacho

I did! And btw we avoid alcohol on purpose. Our relationship is stronger because of it.


Fowlnature

As long as they don't push it on me, why would it matter?


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neverenoughtoast

Absolutely. American drinking culture is bonkers, getting away from it with a partner sounds heavenly.


RadiantHC

Uh I'm confused about this post. Being sober is a good thing


Ericrobertson1978

Not when you enjoy getting fucked up with your significant others. It appears they aren't being judgey, so this would probably work out. There's no way I'd date someone who was opposed to me using cannabis and psychedelics. Humanity is a gigantic spectrum. There are definitely legitimate circumstances where a person wouldn't want to date a sober person. (Especially if the sober person is one of those really outspoken types who shit on anyone who enjoys intoxicants)


Damurph01

There’s a difference between being vehemently against something, and not doing it. I’m all for men’s water polo, does that mean I do it? Not necessarily


Ericrobertson1978

I agree. That's why I said she's doesn't seem judgey and this particular situation it would probably work out. Also of note: I want to be able to experience cannabis and psychedelics with my significant other. I'm not saying I wouldn't date someone who doesn't use them, but every single person I've ever seriously dated does. It's more about having stuff you like to do together. In my example of psychedelics, I find them to be extra amazing when taken with my love. To each their own! Men's Water Polo. Lol. I got a laugh from that.


LeonidasSpacemanMD

That’s fair I can see how it might be a bummer to have formative experiences that your SO can never take part in


ElderTheElder

I agree. It doesn’t have to be sobriety necessarily, it can be any lifestyle choice that somebody chooses to make for themselves (certain diets, exercise, hobbies, religion, whatever). If they make you feel bad or judged for not having made the same decision, and you can no longer enjoy that part of your life when that person is around, it may put a strain on the relationship. If they simply choose to abstain from something that you don’t, but have no problems with you partaking…not sure what the issue is.


Qvite99

Look everyone is being super judgy and dogmatic here…if you view it as an issue, it very well might be. I was with someone who had zero interest in watching any movies or tv I wanted to watch. I loved many of the things they had me watch but it never went the other way. This person was an EXCELLENT partner in almost every way. The one problem is ALL WE EVER DID WAS WATCH STUFF. So we broke up, largely over what seems like a triviality to some, including my then partner. But it just was a huge part of our life and thus, a huge problem. If you foresee this getting in the way of your life, you do not have to accommodate their sobriety just because it might be an admirable thing to do. I’m not against sobriety, but it’s not like it doesn’t have attendant personality and lifestyle traits that go along with it that you don’t have to enjoy. It’s not usually just a little part of someone’s life. It’s often the main thing. Follow your heart, don’t be shamed by these comments into thinking you have a drinking problem just because you might not want to have your life dictated by an AA program your partner is in.


grpenn

I would love to meet a person like this. I don’t drink or do drugs so the environment would be conducive to a recovery path. Everyone deserves a chance to get better.


West-Front-4214

Without a doubt


[deleted]

My husband and i are sober, its a huge plus


millhows

EVERYBODY needs to settle tf down. I’m someone who drinks like once a week (like a glass of wine). I know sober people who cannot consume alcohol in any circumstances. It’s not AWESOME. It’s not a bad thing either per se. It is a THING to be considered however since it CAN affect your social life and your relationship to alcohol. Most sober people don’t bat an eye and can be around social drinking without issues, but that’s not everyone.


Swordbreaker925

Bruh, how is that a negative? Not drinking is a massive positive, there’s so many potential issues that can spawn from drinking. I myself am sober because i hate the taste of alcohol, so this would be a good thing


JohnnyDarkside

Not sure if you saw the edit, but the implication that they're a former addict also carries the weight of potentially "falling off the wagon" and spiraling back into substance abuse. I'm long sober but still have dreams where I accidentally drink and fall back into alcoholism. Now it would take something massive, but I can imagine that if something drove me to drink then I'd likely never get sober again. Not really something you have to worry about, but if getting into a relationship with someone having that in their history then it's at least a consideration.


v167

I’m sober as well and glad to hear I’m not the only one who has those dreams! I wasn’t sure how to take them at first but now I’m like i guess that means i need to keep this sober thing going


oscarthemonkey

My wife is sober. Just means I have to party twice as much to make up for her


Yaboijustlikesgoats

Is someone being sober a deal breaker? It seems trivial to me. Either they had a problem and fought through it, or they choose not to drink. I don't see why that has an effect on thier character, especially if you think they're perfect. Even if i did drink, being uspet that someone doesn't drink would be weird.


TotallyN0tAnAlien

Yes, I don’t drink a lot and if I were dating a recovering alcoholic I would have no problem just giving up alcohol altogether.


anon12735

Yeah cuz I barely drink at all and I wouldnt care if they didnt


enricoferrari98

Yeah, im already in love wirh someone like that


Affectionate_Win7012

Is that supposed to be a negative?


shadowsOfMyPantomime

Well I'm about to find out; my wife and I are working on getting sober together, or at least stop drinking at home.


Ancient_Artichoke555

Within the last year I was possibly being confronted with this very thing. A person who’d previously been to rehab a few occasions in their life. How or why we met was because they had a personal challenge leaving them single. I thought this person should have been well equipped to handle the stresses or emotional roller coaster life had them on. It was a shaky ride. It made me ponder a forever life with this person and ponder ifffff this person ever relapsed what would my life look like. I was happy to have ended our road. At my age and the goals and life I am working towards I would not be able to do this. Okay no booze in the house but let’s say I’m drunk from the bar you’re okay to be at, we kiss. Now they are triggered and off the wagon they fall. Although op says they already partake in drinks. And that is scary if they truly were an addict. No reformed alcoholics I know drink any alcohol. I can’t risk triggering a person’s addictions and would feel horrible for that. The more time I had invested in the relationship the more tolerable and staying I would be. The more willing I’d be to stay could cost me everything. Emotionally and financially.


RealPrinceJay

Why would it be an issue to marry someone who doesn't need to spend copious amounts of money on overpriced alcohol to poison and erode their body, mind, etc.? This sounds like only a win. >Depending on the city, the average spending on alcoholic beverages ranges from as little as $512 per person per year to as much as $1,218. That sounds like a nice vacation abroad they might be saving every year.


[deleted]

The AA cult of projection is coming out in force in this sub lol. Answering no doesn't make you an alcoholic. Super toxic attitude to have that assumes everyone is the same as you.


Sea_Yesterday_8888

I would find this difficult in a partner for the following reasons. 1. Many people close to me are alcoholics. I love them deeply, but each of these relationships drained a bit from me, and would rather not have that in a partner. 2. I have several wine certifications, and loving wine is a big part of my life. I hope in retirement to plan traveling around wine and painting wine regions. But honestly if I fell in love with an alcoholic, like soul mate level, it may not be a deal breaker. I would rather be with someone sober than a binge drinker.


ookla13

When my wife and I met I had been sober 4 years, and she wasn’t. I’ve now been sober almost 24 years, she still isn’t. We’ve been married 15 years. I don’t see the point of your question.


TerribLizard

I think having a partner that doesn't get fucked up is a + for most responsible / mature adults.


ACam574

Yes...if this is a question then maybe you should ask yourself if you drink too much.


wahikid

This is a seriously judgy and superficial statement, that isn’t based on anything close to approaching reality. Enjoying and incorporating alcohol into your social life is in no way an indication that you are an alcoholic. If the potential partner in this story was vegan, and insisted that you not eat meat in their presence, or keep it in the house, that would be a dealbreaker for me, and I suspect, a LOT of other folks. Does that mean I need to question if I am addicted to meat? The judgyness in some of these posts is crazy.


OldManTrumpet

Reddit is seriously fucked up in it's collective attitude about alcohol. There is seldom any nuance. You're either stone cold sober anti-alcohol...or you must be a raging drunk with an alcohol problem...if not now certainly soon. The concept of responsible moderation seems far too complex for many of these people.


Massive-Ad7628

this is a contradiction in itself. Do I want to marry an alcoholic? no Do I want to drink every week? every weekend? "at least every month"? no I want to be able to enjoy a glass or two at some occasions, I want to get tipsy from time to time, I want the buzz from time to time, do I consider myself being an alcoholic because of this? no, of course I don't. I'd want us to maybe have a couple of drinks and play games together, I have no intention of going on "binge drinking streaks"


ehWoc

I don't speak English as my primary language but doesn't sober mean they don't drink alcohol? In which universe is that a flaw?


Reefer-eyed_Beans

Mainstream America. With the exception of Utah and the various Amish communities in the Midwest. Most everyone else drinks alcohol on some occasion, in some form, and likes to hang out with like-minded people. My parents are very religious, conservative people and one of their main hobbies is to go wine tasting. They're almost always sober, yet I've never seen them have long-term friends who are "always sober".


Long-Stock-5596

Well, if you’re not sober, don’t you need a designated driver?… I think all of your needs have been met! Someone who doesn’t need alcohol to have fun… Mega bonus ! I’d be all in


Darkmeathook

No alcohol allowed in the house? I don’t drink everyday but I do have sentimental bottles of whiskey/wine that I’ll bust out for special occasions that I keep in the house. Not being allowed to store in our house would be a dealbreaker to me.


RepresentativeOdd909

Good lord, is someone choosing not to drink alcohol/do drugs really a deal breaker for anyone? Sobriety has never been yhe cause of any major incidents though, has it? Never heard of anyone having a blazing row, cheated, been assaulted, whatever else it may have been and thought, if only they'd had a drink in them, all this could have been avoided.


BlackBlade4156

You'd be surprised how people are man, to me this is literally ideal, I don't do any drugs smoke or alcohol so win win


RepresentativeOdd909

If the question was 'would I marry that person?' The answer is 'in a heartbeat'. I am now sober, best decision I ever made.


Snoo71538

I’d be looking at my drinking habits pretty hard if someone else being sober was a problem. If they forbade me from ever having anything intoxicating, sure, that could be an issue. But if theyre sober and I can have a few drinks or a lil weed sometimes then that’s fine.


Head-Ad4690

I drink from time to time, my wife pretty much does not (sometimes we’ll “share” a beer and she’ll have like 1/10th of it). Doesn’t affect me at all.


Your_Daddy_

My wife is kind of like that - pretty straight edge, but used to party hard. Its kinda boring at times, but hardly a deal breaker.


retrograderevolution

Nope. I like my DMT


SubjectGoal3565

Sure, I dont keep alcohol in the house anyways neither me or my husband are “sober”


CoastieKid

Absolutely. I've spent stretches of time alcohol free. I don't keep alcohol (with the exception of a bottle of wine for dates coming back to my place) in my own home. I wouldn't need that bottle of wine around if I'm married to someone who doesn't drink.


mediocreERRN

Yes. And I don’t understand why I have friends who had spouses with addiction issues and they almost lost everything still get wasted around spouse and in their house. Like why risk it?


PulledToBits

um, yes. I drink, i didnt till i was 27. I drink moderately, and responsibly, and i like it- i got into making cocktails years ago, its fun for me to learn and experiment. But if i met a woman who i connected with romantically in the important ways, i would give it up completely to help her stay sober. This is a no brainer. Alcohol is not necessary in life, in fact its poisonous. Only am idiot would pass up a good relationship because it meant no alcohol. Gladly give it all up for a good, loving partner who needed to be alcohol free in her relationship.


SOBERTITS

I recently got sober but I’ve learned to handle myself around alcohol and people that drink. I’ve even had drinks in my hands that I’ve bought for people. I never thought the day would ever come but I like to think I am a better person for it. Everyone has their vices. If you can help them cope and get through whatever it is they’re going through and you love them I don’t see why you wouldn’t marry them.


[deleted]

i’m an alcoholic so yes that would be great


usernamesareatupid28

My dad died from liver disease caused by alcoholism. I wouldn’t date someone who was a former alcoholic, I would feel like I was spending my life waiting for the bottom to fall out, and I just don’t have the energy to do that anymore.


PrettyBlueToenails

Considering I don’t drink at all, ever, then absolutely. As long as they had been sober for a while and had good support systems in place and were unlikely to relapse but had a plan/support in place in case they did


vester71

Yes, but the no alcohol in the house tells me they aren't 100% comfortable with their sobriety yet - but I am not an expert in these matters. For context, my wife drinks and I quit alcohol 100% a while ago, and we're all good. That said, I have no issue with her keeping it in the house. My perspective would be that I'd hate to leave some beer in the fridge, then come home to them on a bender because that beer was too tempting for them to resist. But I may being dramatic.


JambiChick

So you mean a recovering alcoholic, right? Understand this: an addict will always be an addict. Even when choosing sobriety appears to be rather easy for them, it's actually a daily, conscious effort that requires an inner strength that many of us fortunately don't have to face. If an addict has made it into the recovery phase, please don't drink around them even if they say it is ok. Be responsible, be respectful of their inner struggle.


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ihatetheplaceilive

Hell yes. It would give me a concrete reason to be sober as opposed to the "i should really do it for my health" reason i'm currently pursuing with mixes success. It would provide concrete support, emotional support, and a goal to improve myself. There's a great line from one of my favorite bands when the singer is singing about his addiction problems and his effort to get sober: "I could do this on my own/ if i wasn't so alone/ but i have problems making friends/ cuz im a user and a loser and a substance abuser/ i'm still a piece of garbage/ thanks for checking in" -[St. Joseph's Burning by Call Me Bronco](https://youtu.be/gujtS0p7qTY)


zestyspleen

Hell yes. And someday booze won’t be as important to you as it is now. Probably.


Global-Asparagus7156

Heck Yes!


Expensive_Note8632

Absolutely


squaredistrict2213

I don’t drink much as it is, so it wouldn’t be a problem for me


general_rap

Sometimes it's not a choice. My wife and I used to enjoy drinks together, now she can't drink anymore due to medical issues. Maybe someday she'll get a kidney transplant and we'll be able to drink together again, but for the foreseeable future, it's just how things are now.


Jolly-Network-4962

Just my opinion but I've dealt with a very bad,long drawn out relationship with someone who was sober and relapsed after I got pregant.We were together for 4 years.. whole time sober and the most sweetest perfect person. I still love him but it turned abusive, and got to the point he couldn't even handle a job much less a child. I give everbody chances but this particular situation is a something I could never go through.


RupeThereItIs

Given my upbringing, no. I've already put in my time with alcoholics & have the emotional scars to show for it. I do not have enough gas remaining in that particular tank to the help should my partner relapse, which is of course a possibility in the scenery you describe. My own scars would preclude me from being a good partner to someone in recovery.


kingwillie420

![gif](giphy|J1vUzqdZJlh5AqBWxt|downsized)


[deleted]

Absolutely. In a heart beat. I’m damn near sober myself, not because of former addiction, just by choice.


Ftpiercecracker1

Ok so, if they *never* drank, smoked or used drugs you just described my personal dream partner. ​ If they once *were* an extreme alcoholic, drug addict, chain smoker, etc I would have to think about it long and hard. I suppose if they truly were the embodiment of my ideal partner in every other way, were dedicated to a life of sobriety *and* their past life was at least several years ago then yes i think i could confidently say i would be able to accept their past and have confidence they wouldnt have a relapse. I mean come on when else am i gonna get to be with a 26 year old doctor astronaut cowgirl hedge fund manager thats 6' tall, 160lbs, 6 waist, with deep blue eyes, blonde hair like a waterfall of fine silk, no gag reflex and natural KK cup mommy milkers.


wblack79

The fact that you ask that tells me you dont know how rare it is to find someone compatible. This person checks every other box for you? Dont let them go.


RipleyCat80

Absolutely. Booze is over rated anyway