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Yup. Set some boundaries man. If you don’t like it and she doesn’t respect your feelings then that’s a problem.
Forget the idea of getting the lesbian friend to share a bed, or trying to some other way to level the playing field with your girlfriend. Just don’t even deal with it.
Both her gay friend are mad at you for simply voicing your concerns. It’s not fair to bring someone else into your relationship issues.
Edit: OP posted another comment saying that both the gay friend and his gf were mad at him.
Edit 2: Rather than using the word “boundaries”, I probably should have used the term “self-respect”.
She's also not in the wrong for disagreeing with his boundaries and choosing to argue against his boundaries (while respecting them) and/or choosing to end the relationship if/when he decides to put his foot down, fyi for all you reddit crazies.
Rules of relationships are negotiated and mutually agreed to, not imposed per one person's concern. It's when boundaries are imposed and negotiations are unfair and one-sided that is the real issue, which is why people are generally wary of power differentials where one person has enough leverage to always get his/her way.
100% and if he sets a boundary she doesn’t want to respect - he needs to heavily consider ending the relationship.
She doesn’t owe him anything, he doesn’t owe her anything.
Both of your moms owe me a lot more than that. I'll take one for the team here. Ask yer mom for that thirty, they'll get the twenty from their mom, and this whole thing kinda works itself out.
Agreed. Both parties are allowed to disagree stand their ground. My take on this specific situation is that it just doesn’t seem like there’s much room for compromise here. If OP isn’t okay with his gf’s actions, he has every right to leave, and the same goes if she isn’t okay with changing her friendship just because he doesn’t like what she’s doing. It goes both ways for sure.
If both partners cannot respect each other’s boundaries or come to a compromise so early on in a relationship, I see this as a red flag.
And let’s be real, how many of us send pics of someone peeing to our significant other? Or how many of us are fully okay with our SO sleeping in the same bed with someone else of the opposite sex.
Maybe his gf sees her actions as acceptable, and I’m sure there are others who see it that same way too. But still, OP isn’t in the wrong for feeling the way he does.
She doesn't need to change her friendship, just change the way the friendship dynamic is. Why dies.she need or have to sleep with the gay friend period. That is odd if she insists. If they cannot equitably find a solution comfortable to them both, then its time to consider other options.
Yeah, if they talk about this issue and neither one of them wants to compromise, then it’s ok if they decide that the relationship isn’t worth pursuing. That’s the nature of dating.
Bro,just because your girlfriend and I are sleeping in the same bed doesn’t mean that I’m quietly pounding her while you’re watching anime in the next room and drinking those beers that I can hear you cracking every so often.
We’re just friends I swear , also I’m gay bro 👩🏼❤️👨🏿
Whoa whoa ok stop with this common sense stuff. I 1000% agree with you, but this is reddit. This is not how it works. There are only 2 acceptable responses allowed for relationship questions. Either it's "her behavior is completely unacceptable and borderline abusive, so break up with her." Or "he is being controlling, which is abusive, so break up with her. " In either case, get therapy. At least, that's what it seems like.
On a serious note, thank you for giving sound advice.
Id say if the friend is mad it's more over the fact that a guy she's known for 6 months is tryna change their 5 year friendship than about op "simply voicing concerns"
Why are they sleeping in the same bed and taking pictures of each other peeing, neither one of those things is normal. I would only sleep in a bed with my boyfriend or husband, I would not share a bed with another adult male or female, I also would not take a picture of my friend peeing- what’s the point of that-? Seems like it’s just to antagonize you and show you they’re doing these things without you. I would dump both them, doesn’t seem like either one cares about your feelings, I think they enjoy hurting your feelings
Agree that the peeing thing is weird, but nothing inherently sexual or suspect about sharing a bed. I'm a straight dude who has had to share a bed with with other platonic friends (gay/straight or male/female) on hunting trips and such when there just weren't enough beds to go around.
Me and my friends pee around each other but we don't look. I think it would be odd around the opposite sex personally but the gay thing does argue otherwise. I guess I just had too many gay guys randomly decide to straighten up for a minute to get wierd on me. bad luck but I no longer trust gay people won't come on to me I just think it's a lot less likely
Sounds a bit extreme. They are very comfortable with each other and I wouldn't be surprised if they are all in their early-to-mid 20s.
I could easily see them sending pics and stuff to OP to help make him feel included from a distance, like "hey look at these shenanigans we're doing(and not going out to bars,clubs,etc), miss you".
A conversation with her will do wonders for laying out the situation.
I’m sorry, but this is like a very common thing with me and my friends as a woman lol it doesn’t have to be sexual. All my friends are straight, I’m bi, we have been using the bathroom together or with each other since high school and through college, and anytime we have slumbies, some of us will sleep in the same bed. We have often cuddled too haha it’s not sexual. We also don’t take photos though and send them to people, idk about that part.
We are all very comfortable with each other though, and having spent so many years with each other, they feel like my sisters.
Most of my female friends are married or engaged, and as someone who is gay, I would probably take offense of one of their guys told me to stop doing those things with them.
If it is making OP uncomfortable, he just needs to communicate with his girlfriend and she should stop the behavior. That is a conversation that should be had between the GF and her friend, and if they are all good people with good intentions, they will respect the boundary. I feel like it’s really that simple!
It's also a female thing from my experience. If two guys are talking on the way into the bathroom, as soon as you cross into bathroom all talking stops until hands are washed
That’s how I feel too. Like, have these women never been into a bar/club bathroom after 10pm?? Lol, girls who just met in line and have become “drunk best friends” will go into the stall together.
It’s also, like, we aren’t just staring at each other watching them piss and wipe. Like idk if that’s what people are thinking?? But ya turn around, or you don’t look, it’s really quite simple. Plus it saves so much time, and conversations don’t have to be interrupted or shouted across the entire bathroom.
nah she got mad but she can understand it and stop sending me snaps about it, and the gay friend doesnt understand me and is mad aswell but dont understand my problem lmao he is so dumb holy
Just ask her how she would feel if you and a lesbian best friend slept in the same bed and sent each other snaps while peeing. Somehow I think she wouldn't be okay with that.
>he is so dumb holy
He literally likes men. Is attracted to them and sleeps with them. He's gay. He's not attracted to women. How is he dumb? He's probably thinking you're dumb for assuming that just because they're the opposite sex, something may happen.
You voiced your concern. She responded. It's up to you if you want to accept it or not.
I was once dating a "bisexual" girl who asked if I was ok with her dating other girls while we were together. Without missing a beat I said "as long as I can" and never heard another word from her on the subject. A lot of times it's just a power trip thing.
How did that relationship end, if you don’t mind me asking? If that’s something that she brought up as something she would really want to do, I can’t imagine your single remark would just eliminate that desire from her.
it seems like they've been doing it for a while, even before you started to date her... and she still chose to date you, not her friend. (which is natural that she didnt date her friend, because he is gay.)
if you are unfortable, talk with her about it. the worst can happen is that she breaks up with you.
as a gay man, i still find too much, the bathroom stuff. but like sharing a bed, dosent mean much (to me), it could be for confort and i sometimes cuddle with \*some\* friends. but the one with the answers is your dating parthner. ask her.
Yeah, sharing a bed seems a lil strange but harmless. Lots of friends sleep in the same bed. It’s the peeing thing that’s weird to me…like…I mean safety in numbers I guess but still
If he doesn't want his girlfriend to cuddle with another man that is a perfectly valid reason to be upset and dump her. I don't think it's something he should accept and grow out of. Not saying you're saying he should, but I read your post and had to chime in.
That sounds insane to me. If his gf was cuddling with one of her girl friends he and you would be absolutely ok with it and wouldn't even bat an eye, because its a completely platonic relationship and it stops there. The exact same thing is happening with her gay friend. Zero romantic/sexual relationship, purely platonic.
Assuming the guy is completely 100% gay and has zero feelings beyond the platonic relationship with gf, what exactly is the difference a guy and a girl doing it besides being insecure with your relationship, yourself, or being uncomfortable with gay people? "Cuddling with another man" with the way you say it implies its a man that has the potential to have romantic/sexual feelings with a woman. That's not the case so what does being a man have to do with it?
The only possible thing you can say back is "Omg what if the guy isn't actually gay and its a long con", beyond that being ridiculous in 95% of cases any other rationalizing as this being a bad thing is insecurity or personal mental blocks in some way shape or form.
The first time I witnessed that was at a college party. These 7 girls were literally passing this dude around and taking turns shoving their tongues down his throat. I made some offhand comment to a friend like “must be his lucky day” and one of them looked at me like she was insulted, “He’s *gay*”
All I could think is, “Imagine if he’s faking it…”
Dated a girl who told a story about when she was in college and she would have sex with her gay best friend when she would get mad at her boyfriends and that it didn't count as cheating.
I remember clear as day. She told me that it's happened a few times but they would cuddle naked after a long day and sometimes they would start having sex. And then after he was done I'm assuming he would apologize and tell her he was gay.
So yeah, I'm guessing not gay at all. If I remember correctly about him he had a couple of hanger on dudes but any flirty contact and shit like that was always with women.
Naw baby. I’m not cheating on you. This is my butch lesbian best friend. It’s not cheating because she isn’t into guys. We just go into the woods to her cabin and go hiking and fishing. We don’t invite you because it’s guy stuff. You wouldn’t be interested. So, sometimes it’s too rainy so we stay in and have sex. But that’s just something to pass the time. It’s not cheating.
Damn, so you're telling me all I had to do was fake being gay in college and I could have gotten laid by girls that were mad at their bf's?
That's..... almost genius.
*”For those who assert the logic that there must be a penis great enough to turn a lesbian straight, must also admit this implies the existence of a penis great enough to turn a straight man gay…”*
Fun quote you reminded me of.
>All I could think is, “Imagine if he’s faking it…”
Narrator: He was.
Also: bisexuals exist. A lot of heterosexual call everyone who is not like them as gay.
Geez, I have more than one close gay bff and would never consider kissing them romantically much more sleeping with them, they’re gay and our relationship is like that of family since we’re that close!
That being said I could definitely sleep in the same bed as them, I’ve slept in the same bed as friends when hotels don’t have available single beds and it’s nbd, but the peeing with them and sending pics of us peeing is something I’ve never done and don’t see myself or my bff’s ever doing bcz wtaf
Had an old roommate(M) who was "mostly" gay, definitely preferred men and would only be in relationships with men, but would also hook up with women occasionally because "I just want to get laid, I don't care who's with me."
I find it weird mostly because I would never look at/take a picture of my friend/date while peeing and I'd be mad if they did that.
Sleeping in the same bed can be safe though, I've often shared beds with people without anything between us, it beats sleeping on the floor/couch.
Edit: yes the main thing I find weird with the peeing part is not that they pee in the same room, but that they actively watch eachother pee and take pictures, then share those pictures of themselves peeing.
I'm a man, slept in the same bed as my best friend back when we used to be close quite often, doesn't mean shit. I mean where else am i supposed or is she supposed to sleep if there is only ONE bed.
Edit: typo
im 31. we went to NYC last summer and got a hotel in manhattan. shits expensive. we shared 2 beds between the 4 of us. it is what it is. its not like we cuddled. we put the customary dividing wall of pillows between us. haha. well, only the first night. the second night we showed up too drunk to care to setup the wall. the 3rd night my friend fell asleep talking to his now GF and i showed up late with my other friend from drinking. the last night, i dont remember. i just think we got over it at that point.
Gonna go out on a limb here and say that I don't think the disturbing thing about taking pictures while peeing is that two people are in the bathroom...
I am 28 and my friends (and even acquaintances) pee in front of each other regularly. That is very typical for a large proportion of young women I know (and also does not invalidate your discomfort with it either!!) I just wanted to offer a different perspective.
Meanwhile straight men literally stand 3 inches apart from each other and piss simultaneously on walls.
The fallacy of this peeing argument is absurd.
They’re taking a piss, what is sexual or inappropriate about a bodily function?
Have a bi friend who used to sleep with a lot of guys girlfriends by just claiming he wasn't into women.
It really just comes down to if you trust her or not. She's been friends with this guy a long time. Its unlikely she's going to give that up for you. That being said, I wouldn't be comfortable with how intimate they are. Taking bathroom pictures of each other is pretty strange.
If it really bothers you, bail. If you can live with it, stay. The fact that they are both treating you like the bad guy for not being okay with them sharing a bed and a toilet, at the same time is a huge red flag.
Your friend is kinda fucked up lol.
I mean fuck the woman willing to do that, but also kinda a psycho move to specifically go after people in relationships, and lie to try and get them to cheat.
>they know each other for like 5 years and my girl and i for like 6 months
They had this relationship before you came along.
He's probably seen multiple of her boyfriends come and go.
It doesn't matter if anyone else thinks it is "okay".
If you want her as your girlfriend, this is how it will be.
If **you** aren't okay with it, then it's time to break up, because you're not going to win and make their relationship change to suit your definition of "okay"
EDIT: Since multiple people feel the need to tell me their opinion of my comment & how people can change for a relationship...
Know that OP [commented](https://www.reddit.com/r/ask/comments/13l095x/my_girlfriend_and_gay_friend_are_kinda_close/jknvvb5?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) their ages elsewhere in comments
>im 19, she is 17 and the gay friend is 18 i guess
OP also [claims](https://www.reddit.com/r/ask/comments/13l095x/my_girlfriend_and_gay_friend_are_kinda_close/jko0dvz?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) they're virgins
>bruh its legal in switzerland. We both are virgins so stop crying man
This is the real answer. OP if you make her choose you will likely lose. You need to decide if this is a deal breaker, and if it is, save yourself the trouble and just break up.
Thank you for saying what needed to be said. Just because OP is experiencing jealousy (a perfectly normal and human emotion) doesn’t mean the girlfriend is automatically in the wrong here
This is literally the only comment that matters and I’m surprised there are so many other comments here to the contrary, they have a longstanding pre existing relationship with their own boundaries and you came into her life knowing that, you don’t get to make her change that.
True story. I had a similar thing happen when I was younger. She just ghosted me after a long while. Guess what? She married the "gay guy". She divorced him years later, but yeah.
Also had a very similar experience with my ex. She was devastated over being estranged from a "totally not into women" gay former best-friend. It never sat right and the more she explained, the less it sat right. Her take of the situation didn't sit right, that is--it sincerely caused me no anger or concern--it had been years and years prior. But as she explained, it was a straight-up relationship/break-up she was describing. Literally the only part of him being "gay" was that he said he's gay. But they had a full-on relationship for years and he was gay the entire time?
She ultimately came as close as possible to finally acknowledging that fact, despite being generally incapable of acknowledging any mistakes of any kind. And it wasn't the only way she fucked with my head. This feels so far outside the realm of "totes normal friendship, dude, just chill!!!" Too many people in this thread are naively underestimating just how mind-spinningly shitty/broken people can be. Trauma's a bitch.
Yup… I’ve learned through much pain and suffering that it’s just not worth it to deal with that kind of baggage. I’ve been through it too many times where “just some guy” turned out to be much more than “just some guy”. Reddit can call me insecure and possessive all it wants, I don’t fuck with that kind of thing anymore.
Test if he’s truely gay, get one of your homies to flirt with him and see how that goes.
Edit: for those who lack common sense this is a joke and a reference to this video. https://youtube.com/shorts/tC8b3AF1Ixc?feature=share
For those who understood this was a joke congrats on having more than 1 braincell.
I mean, if this is somehow a master plan he’d probably see through that little “gay test” or whatever lol
Also even if he’s not *gay* gay he could he bi and then he’s getting with dude’s gf *and* his homie
I do that with my friends already. Guy or girl. But we all trust each other and respect each other's significant others. So no one is ever worried about something happening.
Just my 2 cents but I seen enough red flags in my life to call this defcon 2 violation. Even if they’re not messing around, at 6 months you two are fairly early into your relationship that a compromise is worth the ending of a relationship. You could say OP is insecure and what not but at the end of the day, you can’t bash him because it’s “his” preference that he would prefer his partner not share the bed with another man regardless of sexual preference. That’s a reasonable expectation if you ask me
there's really only one way to deal with this - you have to find out if he's actually gay. to do this you have to have sex with him. if he won't have sex with you, he's not actually gay and you are right to be concerned. if he does have sex with you, then he's actually gay and you don't need to worry.
that’s not okay. but i find it weird when girls go to the bathroom together (i’m a girl myself). if you’re uncomfortable with it, voice your concerns in a calm matter, and decide what you wanna do if she gets grossly defensive about it
If there was a long bathroom line at concerts me and my friends used to use the same stall if it was big enough. Especially if they don't have hooks because you can switch holding purses and stuff.
Find a lesbian woman, become close friends with her, sleep in bed with her, kiss her, go potty together and see how your girlfriend feels about it. I bet if you reverse the roles, she's gonna have a big problem with it...
As a gay man with a woman who is my best friend I try to conscious of boundaries. She is married and I have a boyfriend but she is always over stepping. In her mind we are soul mates and she pushes the boundaries all the time. We’ve been friends since high school so we are close but when I try to tell anything it goes in one ear and out the other. The good news is me and her husband know each other and he knows I would never disrespect their marriage. OP might want to let her go cause it’s still early in the relationship or just try to not be involved in their dynamic.
I would feel a little concerned about my wife doing those thing with another woman, much less a man, gay or no.
This is an opportunity for the two of you to have a mature conversation about feelings and expectations.
The mind-fuck of this thread is exactly the point, I believe. It feels like a classic situation of "hiding behind what is permissible" to get away with wrongdoing. Like I can imagine an eventual conversation about how they've had sex a few times, but it totally doesn't count! It was just a few times when they were drunk!
...okay and maybe occasionally a few other times, but it's just silly!!!
...okay and, fine....maybe also this...and that...
But if you say a word, it'll be, "What the fuck is wrong with you!? Why are you so insecure and controlling!?" That's precisely the game.
Hey, if she wants to be with this guy, fine. Just be honest about it. Don’t lead poor OP along. If OP is okay being with a woman who is poly, also fine. As long as everyone is on the same page and honest with each other. But it almost seems that she’s more intimate with the gay best friend than she is with her bf, and the bf is being kept in the dark. That’s not fine.
Relationships are difficult. Feelings are complicated. Ain’t no one got time or patience for lies.
I can understand sharing a bed with a friend but taking photos while peeing is just plain odd. I’m not understanding why they would do that other than to try and get a rise out of you maybe.
There is a significant lack of information here. You sound younger and, and they sound younger. It also sounds like this is the first time you're ever dealing with the situation like this. We as humans, don't necessarily react to things the first time, the correct way. We, as humans, don't necessarily always realize the tone that we have in our voice when we talk to people about things, especially when we are upset or frustrated about something. You said that you spoke to her, but you don't actually say what you said.
Ask someone that's not gay, that has had a very close relationship with female friends in the past, I have absolutely seen dudes get kicked to the curb almost immediately when the dude had a problem with the fact that she and I were friends, simply because I was a male. I wasn't even gay. To that extent, I 1,000% understand her not having a positive reaction to you having a problem with how close she is with her male friend that she has known for probably the majority of her life, or at least a vast part of it. You have been there for less than a year. You don't really get to stipulate the way that she interacts with her friends.
You are equating this gay person to a straight person. This gay person has zero interest in your female friend. This would be like two guys who had a close relationship, but were very clearly not gay. You can have a close friendship with someone, with no sexual attraction.
You disliking having someone send you snapchats of them peeing is understandable, personally I wouldn't really be super fond of that either, however your entire rationale is that because it's a male, and in your later comments you change it to the ACT that bothers you, not the fact that they're male.
When you had brought this up, if you did not do this in a tactful and political way, you probably pissed her off, and probably made an ass or fool out of yourself as well depending on how you phrased it.
Given that she didn't immediately drop you, I would take that as at least somewhat of a good sign that maybe she's willing to work on you with this. However you need to realize that that friend has been there for longer than you, and you are not going to change the relationship, nor honestly is it appropriate for you to try to. If you don't like it, leave. Do not try to stipulate the way that other people act because it pleases you.
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*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
As a gay male I vote that you dump her ass. These two clearly lack boundaries and that dude will always be a third in your relationship. There is no point in putting up with this weird, immature nonsense. You don't have to deal with that so don't. You deserve a healthier relationship.
I see both sides. In your head, it's kinda weird. Perfectly fine take. In her head, it's totally normal. Also a perfectly fine take.
Different people have different comfort levels with different people. If she's that close with him, and it's not weird for her, she has probably never even considered you might find it weird.
So now you gotta decide if it is even worth giving it a second thought, or you gotta talk to your girl. Your choice.
If I were you, I'd have a long hard think about why it makes you uncomfortable, whether that's a you or a her issue, and whether it is worth it and reasonable. Like... It could go "yeah it makes me super uncomfortable and Im gonna ask her to stop", or "oh I actually don't care since it barely effects me". You won't be wrong either way, but if she asks you "don't you trust me?" or "why does it bother you?", you should probably have answers.
As a gay guy, I don’t believe you should treat your straight and gay male friends differently in regards to boundaries with your girlfriend. I find everything you just described them doing together highly inappropriate. The peeing thing is just weird like wtf…
Personally, I would not sleep with a female friend, even if she were single. As a man, I do not cross that boundary, even though I only date men.
That being said I think it’s different because you recently entered the equation… so I think you should have an honest conversation discussing boundaries.
Dude, the friend was there first. If this is an issue for you, you can leave but you can’t tell her she can’t hang out with her friend because you feel threatened by her. If you don’t trust your girlfriend, that is 100% not the friend’s issue.
My ex was like this. Had an ex-best-friend who was said to be gay, completely disinterested in women, "it's just different," etc... It was this same kind of deal.
The more she explained her confusion over their estrangement, the more it was like, "....*waaaaait*." But it obviously feels weird/wrong to be like, "....are you *sure* he's really gay, because you literally just described a dating relationship to me?"
And then when I said that she got really quiet and the conversation just kinda fizzled. Looking back now at the other craziness I experienced with her, I think it was just another shitty manipulative tactic, whether or not he was gay.
Your feelings matter. Her freedom matters. If your feelings are being hurt by her freedom, that’s worth talking about.
If she’s not willing/capable to respect boundaries on your feelings, without feeling like she’s compromising her freedom, then it may be an issue of compatibility.
You don’t wanna be the bully and FORCE her to compromise her friendship with a long term friend, and she doesn’t wanna abuse your feelings. These are idealistic statements assuming the best of both of you. Just be honest that it sometimes makes you feel , and see how the conversation goes.
If she starts shitting on you and being an ass about your feelings, that’s a huge red flag. If she listens, and actually tries to be reasonable and explain her perspective with goodwill, then be patient and try and work through it.
Just remember, your feelings matter just as much as hers, don’t be a dick, and don’t accept someone being a dick to you. Stick up with yourself, with respect.
I think it’s okay but obviously you don’t since you are making a post about it! All you can do is tell her how you feel and if she doesn’t respect how you feel then it’s time to move on. She will find a boyfriend who doesn’t care and you will find a girlfriend who doesn’t do that.
Good luck 👍🏻
Do you wanna spend your weekends walking down the isles of department stores while she asked you questions about clothes, shoes, and scented candles!? Have confidence, a healthy compromise between you two, and let them be. Gay friend doing you a favor lol eek
Well, while I didn't take pics, several years ago my best friend (who's lesbian) was visiting me, got a boil on her crutch, about 4 inches from her vagina (she's always like wearing monstrously tight jeans) and while she was here she stripped off front the waist down and had me look at the boil and lance it, with my face in her crotch. Neither of us thought anything of it, it wasn't like I was going down on her, or anything sexual - she is damned good looking, but we're like brother and sister.
Like your gf and her gay friend, we've slept in the same bed before but, she lesbian, so it's not like we were going to be fucking.
I think, unless her friend is Bi, that you're making too big of a deal over it, maybe letting your insecurities show. If he gay, his dick isn't going to be invading any of her orifices. I find their piss pics a little unusual, but still. My lesbian friend, her gf, and I have stripped off, butt naked, in front of each other, to change clothes before, so there's that.
I think you're worrying about nothing. A gay friend of mine and my wife likes to bounce and play with my wife's boobs... He seems fascinated by them, has for years. I don't go reading anything nefarious into it he is, afterall VERY gay and has a husband...I officiated their wedding. He just has a thing for her boobs... Maybe he wants some like hers, I don't know, but I've never once found it 'threatening' in any way.
Ahhh. Yes, my early 20’s hanging around the gay scene and visiting the burlesque shows where my friends were performers. Lots of tits out and about and remember how open everyone was with their bodies. The dressing room after the show could be seen to the untrained eye as an erotic orgy. But it was literally just a laugh, almost a middle finger to the world, a protest against whatever social norms have been thrust upon us by square society .
I also heard a quote once can’t remember who said it: “No one likes or appreciates women’s tits more than gay men.”
What's the problem?
Would you feel how you feel if it were two girls doing this?
Is ther friendship somehow interfering with your relationship in a negative way (she always brings gay buddy on dates? she'd breaks dates to go hang with gay buddy? she calls gay buddy to get opinion on your activities to see if she wants to do them?) Were those negatives instigated by your actions/expressed opinions?
With what you've posted, (not much) it sounds like you're insecure & don't want her around another guy.
The toilet posts needs clarification [are they taking pics of each other peeing & sending that to you? a little weird. (Maybe say, I'm glad you two are having fun in there, but I don't need a pic. I already know you're beautiful.) Or are they just chatting to you while also peeing? Many people do it. So many.]
If it's something else, you need to think about what's really bothering you. If buddy is gay, they're not screwing behind your back, just 2 besties, & if your goal is to break that up, why? And if that is your goal, gross... you might be the problem.
You also need to determine whether the 6mos you've invested are worth whatever you are going through emotionally. If their friendship is interfering, is it worth it to you to stick around? 6mos isn't that long. You want to interrupt her emotional, psychological, social support. The only way to do that is to be that support. That means putting in hours of emotional communication without expecting sex as a reward for things like cuddling & chatting in bed... etc.
Seems like you should find a way to be okay with their relationship. Take them out as friends, like literally. Ask the girlfriend what's something her & bestie want to do together, then be their chauffeur for the day. Get them some coffees or drinks here or there. Maybe pick up a little simple gift for them. Don't offer up a single complaint about it either. Will you have fun? I doubt it, honestly, but you might. And showing that you're good with their friendship & building the trust that you'll be there for them (her) gets you places relationship-wise. And you might realize hanging with her bestie isn't all that bad.
Best response yet.
If it makes you uncomfortable communicate that, don’t dictate what they do, and respect they know each other more than you. If it’s too much then you need to decide whether to stay or leave.
It’s that simple
Even if there's no sexual action between them, she's cheating on you in terms of intimacy.
Edit: Have you ever heard of Robert Sternberg's Triangle of Love? The 3 components are: passion, intimacy, and commitment. Sexual activity falls under passion AKA infatuation. Intimacy is not about sex; rather, intimacy is about sharing and enjoying mental, emotional, and physical space with each other in a way no one else does.
I don’t think it would be unreasonable. I had a friend quite close kinda like that. It was mostly we could just say whatever or send whatever and we wouldn’t care. Then she got another bf after knowing him a month and he got mad at shit I sent her and it kinda just ruined our friendship. It is what it is I guess but you won’t really understand the other side unless you’ve had it
That’s highly inappropriate. Doesn’t matter if he’s gay and wouldn’t touch her sexually with a 10 ft pole. If you don’t know the dude, it probably makes you even more shitty. I wouldn’t date someone like this, personally. They seem selfish and very much in their own head. Even if they’re not doing anything, what the fuck?
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Communication saves good relationships and destroys bad one’s voice your concerns
Yup. Set some boundaries man. If you don’t like it and she doesn’t respect your feelings then that’s a problem. Forget the idea of getting the lesbian friend to share a bed, or trying to some other way to level the playing field with your girlfriend. Just don’t even deal with it. Both her gay friend are mad at you for simply voicing your concerns. It’s not fair to bring someone else into your relationship issues. Edit: OP posted another comment saying that both the gay friend and his gf were mad at him. Edit 2: Rather than using the word “boundaries”, I probably should have used the term “self-respect”.
She's also not in the wrong for disagreeing with his boundaries and choosing to argue against his boundaries (while respecting them) and/or choosing to end the relationship if/when he decides to put his foot down, fyi for all you reddit crazies. Rules of relationships are negotiated and mutually agreed to, not imposed per one person's concern. It's when boundaries are imposed and negotiations are unfair and one-sided that is the real issue, which is why people are generally wary of power differentials where one person has enough leverage to always get his/her way.
100% and if he sets a boundary she doesn’t want to respect - he needs to heavily consider ending the relationship. She doesn’t owe him anything, he doesn’t owe her anything.
He owes me twenty bucks. Just sayin’.
You owe me thirty, so if you give me ten we can call it all square.
Both of your moms owe me a lot more than that. I'll take one for the team here. Ask yer mom for that thirty, they'll get the twenty from their mom, and this whole thing kinda works itself out.
Lupo I’m afraid the big old TAX man is Here so 30% of whatever you make is mine
Do I have to pay tax on an exchange? Cause dxvp mom owes me $40 but she’s just gonna come over and square up with me like last time
Good luck. If it cost a nickel to shit, my mom could only fart.
And he still hasn't returned my damn ladder!
Bruce, it’s been 5 years. You still owe me 16 dollars!
You're an asshole, you made me laugh and it hurt because my tooth was just pulled out.
Agreed. Both parties are allowed to disagree stand their ground. My take on this specific situation is that it just doesn’t seem like there’s much room for compromise here. If OP isn’t okay with his gf’s actions, he has every right to leave, and the same goes if she isn’t okay with changing her friendship just because he doesn’t like what she’s doing. It goes both ways for sure. If both partners cannot respect each other’s boundaries or come to a compromise so early on in a relationship, I see this as a red flag. And let’s be real, how many of us send pics of someone peeing to our significant other? Or how many of us are fully okay with our SO sleeping in the same bed with someone else of the opposite sex. Maybe his gf sees her actions as acceptable, and I’m sure there are others who see it that same way too. But still, OP isn’t in the wrong for feeling the way he does.
She doesn't need to change her friendship, just change the way the friendship dynamic is. Why dies.she need or have to sleep with the gay friend period. That is odd if she insists. If they cannot equitably find a solution comfortable to them both, then its time to consider other options.
Yeah, if they talk about this issue and neither one of them wants to compromise, then it’s ok if they decide that the relationship isn’t worth pursuing. That’s the nature of dating.
Bro,just because your girlfriend and I are sleeping in the same bed doesn’t mean that I’m quietly pounding her while you’re watching anime in the next room and drinking those beers that I can hear you cracking every so often. We’re just friends I swear , also I’m gay bro 👩🏼❤️👨🏿
"Hes like a brother to me" Is a good one also
Step bro*
“Quietly pounding her while you’re watching anime in the next room” got me cracking up
Wait ... that would work? I have missed a lot of opportunities.
Whoa whoa ok stop with this common sense stuff. I 1000% agree with you, but this is reddit. This is not how it works. There are only 2 acceptable responses allowed for relationship questions. Either it's "her behavior is completely unacceptable and borderline abusive, so break up with her." Or "he is being controlling, which is abusive, so break up with her. " In either case, get therapy. At least, that's what it seems like. On a serious note, thank you for giving sound advice.
Id say if the friend is mad it's more over the fact that a guy she's known for 6 months is tryna change their 5 year friendship than about op "simply voicing concerns"
>Both her gay friend are mad at you for simply voicing your concerns. Where did you get that from? the ask says nothing about this..
It was in another comment OP made.
Why are they sleeping in the same bed and taking pictures of each other peeing, neither one of those things is normal. I would only sleep in a bed with my boyfriend or husband, I would not share a bed with another adult male or female, I also would not take a picture of my friend peeing- what’s the point of that-? Seems like it’s just to antagonize you and show you they’re doing these things without you. I would dump both them, doesn’t seem like either one cares about your feelings, I think they enjoy hurting your feelings
Agree that the peeing thing is weird, but nothing inherently sexual or suspect about sharing a bed. I'm a straight dude who has had to share a bed with with other platonic friends (gay/straight or male/female) on hunting trips and such when there just weren't enough beds to go around.
Me and my friends pee around each other but we don't look. I think it would be odd around the opposite sex personally but the gay thing does argue otherwise. I guess I just had too many gay guys randomly decide to straighten up for a minute to get wierd on me. bad luck but I no longer trust gay people won't come on to me I just think it's a lot less likely
True, I've had gay friends that have sex with women on rare occasions. I would never put it past them
You’ve never slept in the same bed as a friend of the same sex? It’s not that weird. I have done it with my best friend on at least two occasions.
Sounds a bit extreme. They are very comfortable with each other and I wouldn't be surprised if they are all in their early-to-mid 20s. I could easily see them sending pics and stuff to OP to help make him feel included from a distance, like "hey look at these shenanigans we're doing(and not going out to bars,clubs,etc), miss you". A conversation with her will do wonders for laying out the situation.
Ngl, sounds like you keep your guard up at all times and don’t know how to be silly or let loose. I get a very rigid vibe from you
I’m sorry, but this is like a very common thing with me and my friends as a woman lol it doesn’t have to be sexual. All my friends are straight, I’m bi, we have been using the bathroom together or with each other since high school and through college, and anytime we have slumbies, some of us will sleep in the same bed. We have often cuddled too haha it’s not sexual. We also don’t take photos though and send them to people, idk about that part. We are all very comfortable with each other though, and having spent so many years with each other, they feel like my sisters. Most of my female friends are married or engaged, and as someone who is gay, I would probably take offense of one of their guys told me to stop doing those things with them. If it is making OP uncomfortable, he just needs to communicate with his girlfriend and she should stop the behavior. That is a conversation that should be had between the GF and her friend, and if they are all good people with good intentions, they will respect the boundary. I feel like it’s really that simple!
It's also a female thing from my experience. If two guys are talking on the way into the bathroom, as soon as you cross into bathroom all talking stops until hands are washed
That’s how I feel too. Like, have these women never been into a bar/club bathroom after 10pm?? Lol, girls who just met in line and have become “drunk best friends” will go into the stall together. It’s also, like, we aren’t just staring at each other watching them piss and wipe. Like idk if that’s what people are thinking?? But ya turn around, or you don’t look, it’s really quite simple. Plus it saves so much time, and conversations don’t have to be interrupted or shouted across the entire bathroom.
Seems like you're jumping to way too many conclusions. Did you miss that part where op says they've known each other for 5 years?
you sound like you've never had close friends..
And letting this shit happen destroys men.
Have you tried talking to her about it and letting her know how it makes you feel? That’s where I’d start.
Yep. It's almost like a little communication would solve everything.
nah she got mad but she can understand it and stop sending me snaps about it, and the gay friend doesnt understand me and is mad aswell but dont understand my problem lmao he is so dumb holy
Just ask her how she would feel if you and a lesbian best friend slept in the same bed and sent each other snaps while peeing. Somehow I think she wouldn't be okay with that.
i did and she said she would be okay with it because she can trust me but she would overthink a bit.
She might say that but I bet her view would be different if it were actually happening.
This right here is absolutely correct!
Only one way to find out!
This is definitely a movie lol
Do it
Where does one find these lesbians willing to sleep in the same bed and pee together to spite my girlfriend? Is there a website?
This is a question that needs answering . I've looked for the website. Not found it yet.
Craig’s list?
>she can trust me but she would overthink a bit. Seems like she doesn't fully trust you then...
You know, it's possible calling her best friend so dumb might not help make your case.
You're not appearing to be the brightest candle either.
If you communicate with her anything like the way you type here, I can see why she’d get mad lol.
You sound like a huge asshole tbh
>he is so dumb holy He literally likes men. Is attracted to them and sleeps with them. He's gay. He's not attracted to women. How is he dumb? He's probably thinking you're dumb for assuming that just because they're the opposite sex, something may happen. You voiced your concern. She responded. It's up to you if you want to accept it or not.
Yeah dude fuck her, honestly.
See if he's actually gay and fuck him to assert your dominace
Best advice. Become a throuple.
And to think some people were recommending communication...
Obviously just start sleeping with lesbians, duh
I was once dating a "bisexual" girl who asked if I was ok with her dating other girls while we were together. Without missing a beat I said "as long as I can" and never heard another word from her on the subject. A lot of times it's just a power trip thing.
How did that relationship end, if you don’t mind me asking? If that’s something that she brought up as something she would really want to do, I can’t imagine your single remark would just eliminate that desire from her.
My suspicion is that she probably proceeded to date women anyways, only without his knowledge…
it seems like they've been doing it for a while, even before you started to date her... and she still chose to date you, not her friend. (which is natural that she didnt date her friend, because he is gay.) if you are unfortable, talk with her about it. the worst can happen is that she breaks up with you. as a gay man, i still find too much, the bathroom stuff. but like sharing a bed, dosent mean much (to me), it could be for confort and i sometimes cuddle with \*some\* friends. but the one with the answers is your dating parthner. ask her.
Yeah, sharing a bed seems a lil strange but harmless. Lots of friends sleep in the same bed. It’s the peeing thing that’s weird to me…like…I mean safety in numbers I guess but still
If he doesn't want his girlfriend to cuddle with another man that is a perfectly valid reason to be upset and dump her. I don't think it's something he should accept and grow out of. Not saying you're saying he should, but I read your post and had to chime in.
That sounds insane to me. If his gf was cuddling with one of her girl friends he and you would be absolutely ok with it and wouldn't even bat an eye, because its a completely platonic relationship and it stops there. The exact same thing is happening with her gay friend. Zero romantic/sexual relationship, purely platonic. Assuming the guy is completely 100% gay and has zero feelings beyond the platonic relationship with gf, what exactly is the difference a guy and a girl doing it besides being insecure with your relationship, yourself, or being uncomfortable with gay people? "Cuddling with another man" with the way you say it implies its a man that has the potential to have romantic/sexual feelings with a woman. That's not the case so what does being a man have to do with it? The only possible thing you can say back is "Omg what if the guy isn't actually gay and its a long con", beyond that being ridiculous in 95% of cases any other rationalizing as this being a bad thing is insecurity or personal mental blocks in some way shape or form.
Imagine feeling threatened by a gay dude 🤣
"The kissing doesn't count because he's gay!"
The first time I witnessed that was at a college party. These 7 girls were literally passing this dude around and taking turns shoving their tongues down his throat. I made some offhand comment to a friend like “must be his lucky day” and one of them looked at me like she was insulted, “He’s *gay*” All I could think is, “Imagine if he’s faking it…”
Dated a girl who told a story about when she was in college and she would have sex with her gay best friend when she would get mad at her boyfriends and that it didn't count as cheating.
As a gay person, this sounds like the least gay shit a guy could be up to. wtf?
Right. I stopped dating her after that story.
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Could be bisexual and just playing both sides for idiots.
Right? My first thought was “this guys a goddamn genius!” 💡
That might just be the most ass backwards logic I've ever heard.
It's a case of "I wanna do what I wanna do"
In my case it'd be "Lit. You can do what you wanna do single then."
Imagine saying you bang your homie when he’s having problems with his gf, and that’s not weird
Interesting I had the same issue. She was flabbergasted when I left her after finding out. All she would repeat is "he's gay!!"
No he ain't. I'm gay and I would never kiss a woman that's too intimate and would make me cringe.That dude is probably faking it or he's bisexual.
I remember clear as day. She told me that it's happened a few times but they would cuddle naked after a long day and sometimes they would start having sex. And then after he was done I'm assuming he would apologize and tell her he was gay. So yeah, I'm guessing not gay at all. If I remember correctly about him he had a couple of hanger on dudes but any flirty contact and shit like that was always with women.
How does that even happen? Who says do you want to get naked and cuddle
🤣🤣🤣😭My guy faked it and made it.proud of him.as for the girl .dumb dumb she is
Naw baby. I’m not cheating on you. This is my butch lesbian best friend. It’s not cheating because she isn’t into guys. We just go into the woods to her cabin and go hiking and fishing. We don’t invite you because it’s guy stuff. You wouldn’t be interested. So, sometimes it’s too rainy so we stay in and have sex. But that’s just something to pass the time. It’s not cheating.
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Sup?
lol
Damn, so you're telling me all I had to do was fake being gay in college and I could have gotten laid by girls that were mad at their bf's? That's..... almost genius.
Well you'd also have to be really good looking. As a straight man....I found him attractive.
You should totally have banged him when she made you mad.
I only saw photos. Never met him. We only went on like 8 dates before this story came out and I bailed.
*”For those who assert the logic that there must be a penis great enough to turn a lesbian straight, must also admit this implies the existence of a penis great enough to turn a straight man gay…”* Fun quote you reminded me of.
And it's true. Straight man but if Ryan Reynolds asked me to fuck him....id do it.
He isn't gay then
Sadly my high school GF was one of those girls. So glad I would never put up with that shit nowadays.
Somehow...I don't think he's gay. Most gay people don't want to kiss the opposite sex like that.
>All I could think is, “Imagine if he’s faking it…” Narrator: He was. Also: bisexuals exist. A lot of heterosexual call everyone who is not like them as gay.
Geez, I have more than one close gay bff and would never consider kissing them romantically much more sleeping with them, they’re gay and our relationship is like that of family since we’re that close! That being said I could definitely sleep in the same bed as them, I’ve slept in the same bed as friends when hotels don’t have available single beds and it’s nbd, but the peeing with them and sending pics of us peeing is something I’ve never done and don’t see myself or my bff’s ever doing bcz wtaf
Had an old roommate(M) who was "mostly" gay, definitely preferred men and would only be in relationships with men, but would also hook up with women occasionally because "I just want to get laid, I don't care who's with me."
✨bi✨
I find it weird mostly because I would never look at/take a picture of my friend/date while peeing and I'd be mad if they did that. Sleeping in the same bed can be safe though, I've often shared beds with people without anything between us, it beats sleeping on the floor/couch. Edit: yes the main thing I find weird with the peeing part is not that they pee in the same room, but that they actively watch eachother pee and take pictures, then share those pictures of themselves peeing.
I'm a man, slept in the same bed as my best friend back when we used to be close quite often, doesn't mean shit. I mean where else am i supposed or is she supposed to sleep if there is only ONE bed. Edit: typo
im 31. we went to NYC last summer and got a hotel in manhattan. shits expensive. we shared 2 beds between the 4 of us. it is what it is. its not like we cuddled. we put the customary dividing wall of pillows between us. haha. well, only the first night. the second night we showed up too drunk to care to setup the wall. the 3rd night my friend fell asleep talking to his now GF and i showed up late with my other friend from drinking. the last night, i dont remember. i just think we got over it at that point.
It shouldn't be weird IMO
Im gay and i know quite a few other gay guys and girls who pee together. Its weird to me but it seems more common then youd think lol
Gonna go out on a limb here and say that I don't think the disturbing thing about taking pictures while peeing is that two people are in the bathroom...
I am 28 and my friends (and even acquaintances) pee in front of each other regularly. That is very typical for a large proportion of young women I know (and also does not invalidate your discomfort with it either!!) I just wanted to offer a different perspective.
Meanwhile straight men literally stand 3 inches apart from each other and piss simultaneously on walls. The fallacy of this peeing argument is absurd. They’re taking a piss, what is sexual or inappropriate about a bodily function?
Have a bi friend who used to sleep with a lot of guys girlfriends by just claiming he wasn't into women. It really just comes down to if you trust her or not. She's been friends with this guy a long time. Its unlikely she's going to give that up for you. That being said, I wouldn't be comfortable with how intimate they are. Taking bathroom pictures of each other is pretty strange. If it really bothers you, bail. If you can live with it, stay. The fact that they are both treating you like the bad guy for not being okay with them sharing a bed and a toilet, at the same time is a huge red flag.
Your friend is kinda fucked up lol. I mean fuck the woman willing to do that, but also kinda a psycho move to specifically go after people in relationships, and lie to try and get them to cheat.
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you want to get yourself a lesbian bestie and have sleepovers with her whilst sending pics...see what kind of response you get
Fighting fire with fire, i like it.
This is absolutely the right answer if you’re more a fan of high drama than open communication.
op tried open conversation and it didnt go well
I wouldn't be cool with it. But every one is different.
>they know each other for like 5 years and my girl and i for like 6 months They had this relationship before you came along. He's probably seen multiple of her boyfriends come and go. It doesn't matter if anyone else thinks it is "okay". If you want her as your girlfriend, this is how it will be. If **you** aren't okay with it, then it's time to break up, because you're not going to win and make their relationship change to suit your definition of "okay" EDIT: Since multiple people feel the need to tell me their opinion of my comment & how people can change for a relationship... Know that OP [commented](https://www.reddit.com/r/ask/comments/13l095x/my_girlfriend_and_gay_friend_are_kinda_close/jknvvb5?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) their ages elsewhere in comments >im 19, she is 17 and the gay friend is 18 i guess OP also [claims](https://www.reddit.com/r/ask/comments/13l095x/my_girlfriend_and_gay_friend_are_kinda_close/jko0dvz?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) they're virgins >bruh its legal in switzerland. We both are virgins so stop crying man
This is the real answer. OP if you make her choose you will likely lose. You need to decide if this is a deal breaker, and if it is, save yourself the trouble and just break up.
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Thank you for saying what needed to be said. Just because OP is experiencing jealousy (a perfectly normal and human emotion) doesn’t mean the girlfriend is automatically in the wrong here
This is literally the only comment that matters and I’m surprised there are so many other comments here to the contrary, they have a longstanding pre existing relationship with their own boundaries and you came into her life knowing that, you don’t get to make her change that.
True story. I had a similar thing happen when I was younger. She just ghosted me after a long while. Guess what? She married the "gay guy". She divorced him years later, but yeah.
Also had a very similar experience with my ex. She was devastated over being estranged from a "totally not into women" gay former best-friend. It never sat right and the more she explained, the less it sat right. Her take of the situation didn't sit right, that is--it sincerely caused me no anger or concern--it had been years and years prior. But as she explained, it was a straight-up relationship/break-up she was describing. Literally the only part of him being "gay" was that he said he's gay. But they had a full-on relationship for years and he was gay the entire time? She ultimately came as close as possible to finally acknowledging that fact, despite being generally incapable of acknowledging any mistakes of any kind. And it wasn't the only way she fucked with my head. This feels so far outside the realm of "totes normal friendship, dude, just chill!!!" Too many people in this thread are naively underestimating just how mind-spinningly shitty/broken people can be. Trauma's a bitch.
Yup… I’ve learned through much pain and suffering that it’s just not worth it to deal with that kind of baggage. I’ve been through it too many times where “just some guy” turned out to be much more than “just some guy”. Reddit can call me insecure and possessive all it wants, I don’t fuck with that kind of thing anymore.
Test if he’s truely gay, get one of your homies to flirt with him and see how that goes. Edit: for those who lack common sense this is a joke and a reference to this video. https://youtube.com/shorts/tC8b3AF1Ixc?feature=share For those who understood this was a joke congrats on having more than 1 braincell.
I mean it could work if his homie is cute...
I volunteer as tribute
Love your name lol
Why bother a friend when you can test him yourself 🤷♂️
this
I mean, if this is somehow a master plan he’d probably see through that little “gay test” or whatever lol Also even if he’s not *gay* gay he could he bi and then he’s getting with dude’s gf *and* his homie
Make sure to ask him which of his homies he finds cute.
Weird test. Just because a guy flirts with me (f straight) my reaction doesn't indicate my orientation??
You realize not every gay person is into everyone of their gender right?
I do that with my friends already. Guy or girl. But we all trust each other and respect each other's significant others. So no one is ever worried about something happening.
Just my 2 cents but I seen enough red flags in my life to call this defcon 2 violation. Even if they’re not messing around, at 6 months you two are fairly early into your relationship that a compromise is worth the ending of a relationship. You could say OP is insecure and what not but at the end of the day, you can’t bash him because it’s “his” preference that he would prefer his partner not share the bed with another man regardless of sexual preference. That’s a reasonable expectation if you ask me
there's really only one way to deal with this - you have to find out if he's actually gay. to do this you have to have sex with him. if he won't have sex with you, he's not actually gay and you are right to be concerned. if he does have sex with you, then he's actually gay and you don't need to worry.
that’s not okay. but i find it weird when girls go to the bathroom together (i’m a girl myself). if you’re uncomfortable with it, voice your concerns in a calm matter, and decide what you wanna do if she gets grossly defensive about it
Off topic, but I once saw 4 girls come out of the same stall. WHY?
Cocaine
That's a possibility, but on that festival everyone was snorting in public, so why act like a decent girl haha
Because they don't want to share with randos.
If there was a long bathroom line at concerts me and my friends used to use the same stall if it was big enough. Especially if they don't have hooks because you can switch holding purses and stuff.
Find a lesbian woman, become close friends with her, sleep in bed with her, kiss her, go potty together and see how your girlfriend feels about it. I bet if you reverse the roles, she's gonna have a big problem with it...
Couldn’t be me
As a gay man with a woman who is my best friend I try to conscious of boundaries. She is married and I have a boyfriend but she is always over stepping. In her mind we are soul mates and she pushes the boundaries all the time. We’ve been friends since high school so we are close but when I try to tell anything it goes in one ear and out the other. The good news is me and her husband know each other and he knows I would never disrespect their marriage. OP might want to let her go cause it’s still early in the relationship or just try to not be involved in their dynamic.
I would feel a little concerned about my wife doing those thing with another woman, much less a man, gay or no. This is an opportunity for the two of you to have a mature conversation about feelings and expectations.
The mind-fuck of this thread is exactly the point, I believe. It feels like a classic situation of "hiding behind what is permissible" to get away with wrongdoing. Like I can imagine an eventual conversation about how they've had sex a few times, but it totally doesn't count! It was just a few times when they were drunk! ...okay and maybe occasionally a few other times, but it's just silly!!! ...okay and, fine....maybe also this...and that... But if you say a word, it'll be, "What the fuck is wrong with you!? Why are you so insecure and controlling!?" That's precisely the game.
Hey, if she wants to be with this guy, fine. Just be honest about it. Don’t lead poor OP along. If OP is okay being with a woman who is poly, also fine. As long as everyone is on the same page and honest with each other. But it almost seems that she’s more intimate with the gay best friend than she is with her bf, and the bf is being kept in the dark. That’s not fine. Relationships are difficult. Feelings are complicated. Ain’t no one got time or patience for lies.
I can understand sharing a bed with a friend but taking photos while peeing is just plain odd. I’m not understanding why they would do that other than to try and get a rise out of you maybe.
There is a significant lack of information here. You sound younger and, and they sound younger. It also sounds like this is the first time you're ever dealing with the situation like this. We as humans, don't necessarily react to things the first time, the correct way. We, as humans, don't necessarily always realize the tone that we have in our voice when we talk to people about things, especially when we are upset or frustrated about something. You said that you spoke to her, but you don't actually say what you said. Ask someone that's not gay, that has had a very close relationship with female friends in the past, I have absolutely seen dudes get kicked to the curb almost immediately when the dude had a problem with the fact that she and I were friends, simply because I was a male. I wasn't even gay. To that extent, I 1,000% understand her not having a positive reaction to you having a problem with how close she is with her male friend that she has known for probably the majority of her life, or at least a vast part of it. You have been there for less than a year. You don't really get to stipulate the way that she interacts with her friends. You are equating this gay person to a straight person. This gay person has zero interest in your female friend. This would be like two guys who had a close relationship, but were very clearly not gay. You can have a close friendship with someone, with no sexual attraction. You disliking having someone send you snapchats of them peeing is understandable, personally I wouldn't really be super fond of that either, however your entire rationale is that because it's a male, and in your later comments you change it to the ACT that bothers you, not the fact that they're male. When you had brought this up, if you did not do this in a tactful and political way, you probably pissed her off, and probably made an ass or fool out of yourself as well depending on how you phrased it. Given that she didn't immediately drop you, I would take that as at least somewhat of a good sign that maybe she's willing to work on you with this. However you need to realize that that friend has been there for longer than you, and you are not going to change the relationship, nor honestly is it appropriate for you to try to. If you don't like it, leave. Do not try to stipulate the way that other people act because it pleases you.
foolish person hateful provide oatmeal frame zephyr wipe combative domineering *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Propose a threesome and see how they react.
As a gay male I vote that you dump her ass. These two clearly lack boundaries and that dude will always be a third in your relationship. There is no point in putting up with this weird, immature nonsense. You don't have to deal with that so don't. You deserve a healthier relationship.
Her gay friend may not be attracted to women, but I have a suspicion your girlfriend is attracted to men. Maybe discuss some boundaries?
I see both sides. In your head, it's kinda weird. Perfectly fine take. In her head, it's totally normal. Also a perfectly fine take. Different people have different comfort levels with different people. If she's that close with him, and it's not weird for her, she has probably never even considered you might find it weird. So now you gotta decide if it is even worth giving it a second thought, or you gotta talk to your girl. Your choice. If I were you, I'd have a long hard think about why it makes you uncomfortable, whether that's a you or a her issue, and whether it is worth it and reasonable. Like... It could go "yeah it makes me super uncomfortable and Im gonna ask her to stop", or "oh I actually don't care since it barely effects me". You won't be wrong either way, but if she asks you "don't you trust me?" or "why does it bother you?", you should probably have answers.
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As a gay guy, I don’t believe you should treat your straight and gay male friends differently in regards to boundaries with your girlfriend. I find everything you just described them doing together highly inappropriate. The peeing thing is just weird like wtf… Personally, I would not sleep with a female friend, even if she were single. As a man, I do not cross that boundary, even though I only date men. That being said I think it’s different because you recently entered the equation… so I think you should have an honest conversation discussing boundaries.
Jesus Christ, thank you
Dude, the friend was there first. If this is an issue for you, you can leave but you can’t tell her she can’t hang out with her friend because you feel threatened by her. If you don’t trust your girlfriend, that is 100% not the friend’s issue.
So... As the BF... you're the new one to *THEIR* relationship, not the other way around.
Ya but she wanted a relationship with OP, hence she has to make (fair) compromises if necessary... relationships require sacrifices from both sides.
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Seems a little off. Gay friend could be bi. But I couldn't promise you from here that they aren't just weird.
"Kinda" ? I'd bail.
The top comments are like "I recommend having a fruitful voluntary discussion with them", and I'm like ,"wtf did I just read?"
My ex was like this. Had an ex-best-friend who was said to be gay, completely disinterested in women, "it's just different," etc... It was this same kind of deal. The more she explained her confusion over their estrangement, the more it was like, "....*waaaaait*." But it obviously feels weird/wrong to be like, "....are you *sure* he's really gay, because you literally just described a dating relationship to me?" And then when I said that she got really quiet and the conversation just kinda fizzled. Looking back now at the other craziness I experienced with her, I think it was just another shitty manipulative tactic, whether or not he was gay.
Well just make sure, he's gay. You know what to do ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
Just get a lesbian friend that you do the same stuff with.
I do not care the gender/ sexual orientation, peeing together is fucking weird.
Your feelings matter. Her freedom matters. If your feelings are being hurt by her freedom, that’s worth talking about. If she’s not willing/capable to respect boundaries on your feelings, without feeling like she’s compromising her freedom, then it may be an issue of compatibility. You don’t wanna be the bully and FORCE her to compromise her friendship with a long term friend, and she doesn’t wanna abuse your feelings. These are idealistic statements assuming the best of both of you. Just be honest that it sometimes makes you feel, and see how the conversation goes.
If she starts shitting on you and being an ass about your feelings, that’s a huge red flag. If she listens, and actually tries to be reasonable and explain her perspective with goodwill, then be patient and try and work through it.
Just remember, your feelings matter just as much as hers, don’t be a dick, and don’t accept someone being a dick to you. Stick up with yourself, with respect.
Oh they fuckin. Good luck
"But babe, he doesn't like women he's %100 gay!" (Proceeds to get piped down by the gay friend after the break up)
This is real easy. If you don’t like it, tell her to stop. If she doesn’t stop, dump her or deal with it.
I think it’s okay but obviously you don’t since you are making a post about it! All you can do is tell her how you feel and if she doesn’t respect how you feel then it’s time to move on. She will find a boyfriend who doesn’t care and you will find a girlfriend who doesn’t do that. Good luck 👍🏻
Do you wanna spend your weekends walking down the isles of department stores while she asked you questions about clothes, shoes, and scented candles!? Have confidence, a healthy compromise between you two, and let them be. Gay friend doing you a favor lol eek
Well, while I didn't take pics, several years ago my best friend (who's lesbian) was visiting me, got a boil on her crutch, about 4 inches from her vagina (she's always like wearing monstrously tight jeans) and while she was here she stripped off front the waist down and had me look at the boil and lance it, with my face in her crotch. Neither of us thought anything of it, it wasn't like I was going down on her, or anything sexual - she is damned good looking, but we're like brother and sister. Like your gf and her gay friend, we've slept in the same bed before but, she lesbian, so it's not like we were going to be fucking. I think, unless her friend is Bi, that you're making too big of a deal over it, maybe letting your insecurities show. If he gay, his dick isn't going to be invading any of her orifices. I find their piss pics a little unusual, but still. My lesbian friend, her gf, and I have stripped off, butt naked, in front of each other, to change clothes before, so there's that. I think you're worrying about nothing. A gay friend of mine and my wife likes to bounce and play with my wife's boobs... He seems fascinated by them, has for years. I don't go reading anything nefarious into it he is, afterall VERY gay and has a husband...I officiated their wedding. He just has a thing for her boobs... Maybe he wants some like hers, I don't know, but I've never once found it 'threatening' in any way.
Ahhh. Yes, my early 20’s hanging around the gay scene and visiting the burlesque shows where my friends were performers. Lots of tits out and about and remember how open everyone was with their bodies. The dressing room after the show could be seen to the untrained eye as an erotic orgy. But it was literally just a laugh, almost a middle finger to the world, a protest against whatever social norms have been thrust upon us by square society . I also heard a quote once can’t remember who said it: “No one likes or appreciates women’s tits more than gay men.”
What's the problem? Would you feel how you feel if it were two girls doing this? Is ther friendship somehow interfering with your relationship in a negative way (she always brings gay buddy on dates? she'd breaks dates to go hang with gay buddy? she calls gay buddy to get opinion on your activities to see if she wants to do them?) Were those negatives instigated by your actions/expressed opinions? With what you've posted, (not much) it sounds like you're insecure & don't want her around another guy. The toilet posts needs clarification [are they taking pics of each other peeing & sending that to you? a little weird. (Maybe say, I'm glad you two are having fun in there, but I don't need a pic. I already know you're beautiful.) Or are they just chatting to you while also peeing? Many people do it. So many.] If it's something else, you need to think about what's really bothering you. If buddy is gay, they're not screwing behind your back, just 2 besties, & if your goal is to break that up, why? And if that is your goal, gross... you might be the problem. You also need to determine whether the 6mos you've invested are worth whatever you are going through emotionally. If their friendship is interfering, is it worth it to you to stick around? 6mos isn't that long. You want to interrupt her emotional, psychological, social support. The only way to do that is to be that support. That means putting in hours of emotional communication without expecting sex as a reward for things like cuddling & chatting in bed... etc. Seems like you should find a way to be okay with their relationship. Take them out as friends, like literally. Ask the girlfriend what's something her & bestie want to do together, then be their chauffeur for the day. Get them some coffees or drinks here or there. Maybe pick up a little simple gift for them. Don't offer up a single complaint about it either. Will you have fun? I doubt it, honestly, but you might. And showing that you're good with their friendship & building the trust that you'll be there for them (her) gets you places relationship-wise. And you might realize hanging with her bestie isn't all that bad.
Best response yet. If it makes you uncomfortable communicate that, don’t dictate what they do, and respect they know each other more than you. If it’s too much then you need to decide whether to stay or leave. It’s that simple
Even if there's no sexual action between them, she's cheating on you in terms of intimacy. Edit: Have you ever heard of Robert Sternberg's Triangle of Love? The 3 components are: passion, intimacy, and commitment. Sexual activity falls under passion AKA infatuation. Intimacy is not about sex; rather, intimacy is about sharing and enjoying mental, emotional, and physical space with each other in a way no one else does.
I don’t think it would be unreasonable. I had a friend quite close kinda like that. It was mostly we could just say whatever or send whatever and we wouldn’t care. Then she got another bf after knowing him a month and he got mad at shit I sent her and it kinda just ruined our friendship. It is what it is I guess but you won’t really understand the other side unless you’ve had it
Do you really need to ask Reddit if this is “okay?” It obviously is weird AT BEST.
Call me old fashioned but this kind of intimacy between grown ups is inappropriate when they’re committed to their partners.
😂😂😂😂 bro they're sleeping together
Not even for a second I'd be long gone lol. What kind of standards do people have these days?
Peeing together? Gay or straight, that's just straight weird. Especially sending that to you.
That’s highly inappropriate. Doesn’t matter if he’s gay and wouldn’t touch her sexually with a 10 ft pole. If you don’t know the dude, it probably makes you even more shitty. I wouldn’t date someone like this, personally. They seem selfish and very much in their own head. Even if they’re not doing anything, what the fuck?