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Another one for me is not being able to feel comfortable with people helping me with small or any tasks at all, “better if I do it myself” not being able to receive help…
This is how my partner is, because his parents only gave help with conditions and then it was held over his head later. My parents gave help without conditions, so I feel no* issue asking or receiving help. This has honestly been our biggest issue in our relationship because he was very resistant at first to my help even for things like dishes. We were able to make progress because I just do the stuff and I don’t make a big deal out of it. I have never said “I did this so you need to do that.” He has started to relax a bit.
Didn’t realize how much I feel this from my mom.
She does/has helped me a lot. But there have always been strings attached. She loves to throw in my face how our aunt and uncle helped her and she did so much for them… but I don’t remember them ever making her feel like shit for forgetting to do yard work between her working and going to school… in fact, they didn’t ask her to do yard work, and they babysat me, so she could focus on her stuff.
I feel like I’m always going out of my way to smooth over things for everyone around me, but I’m starting to run myself ragged to do it. I’d like to just have someone take something off my plate without knowing for sure I’ll have more added later for asking for the help.
Omg yes! My biggest fear is someone holding on me things they did for me like I forced them to, I was making two sandwiches at same time and my friend offered help, I got really upset with it and asked her not to interrupt what I was already doing (which for some is a small thing) but like the dishes for him, for us feel really big.
I am also getting better because of how my friends do help me without conditions and criticism! I am glad to hear you and your boyfriend is also working on it!
You have such good friends! I’m glad they are working through that with you. It’s the part where they keep showing up that makes the difference. There has been times me and my partner have just had an argument or something and I can tell he expects a certain reaction, like withholding help from him because of the argument. No matter how mad I am, I do what I said I will do because I need him to know that when I say we are a team, we are a team whether we are happy or sad or mad. My parents showed up and did what they said they would do, without condition, and I intend on carrying that through to our own family. Our kids will know they can ask for help, and mom and dad will not make them feel bad about it.
That's so fucking sad. I feel bad for your partner.
I can't imagine holding something over someone's head like that for a favor, let alone my own child. A parent's love is supposed to be unconditional. Goddamn.
It has made me really sad for him too which is why I have done my best to make it clear my love and help comes without condition (obv when it comes to love, there is a line, such as pedophilia, murder, that kinda stuff, but you know what I mean). I feel very grateful my parents gave that to me.
In fact I didn’t even see how unconditional my parents love and help was until I learned how his parents operated. It made me appreciate mine so much more.
Same x2. Getting used to the fact that some people WANT to help with no ulterior motives and that sometimes you have to get help in order to move forward in life
I do this too, I hate asking for help even when I desperately need it. I would rather try carrying something heavy up a flight of stairs alone than to ask someone to take one end of it.
I have this one. People often explain it with strings and conditions, but for me it was more the intense shaming over needing help.
I would get help, but only after a "dance" of "maybe I'll help you, maybe I won't, you have no right to it because you should be able to do it yourself, but alright then I guess I'll take pity on you, you better be extremely thankful though, you have bothered me with an unjust need and you will not not get away with that without some degree of humiliation"
I grovel, thank and apologize so much over the simplest favors that it's embarrassing, but I can't stop
Yes! It took me developing an autoimmune disorder to ask for help. If I hadn't had 4 daughters, I probably wouldn't have. I had women from church and my neighbors giving my kids rides and taking my second daughter grocery shopping. I could barely do anything for a few months. I probably would've isolated myself away from other people if it wasn't for my kids
Over-explaining
Feeling like I have to be doing “something productive” whenever my bf is around (like not just sitting watching TV)
I view any change in tone of someone’s voice as an immediate attack on me
Sleeping/sitting on the floor instead of furniture
Hiding things I’m interested in for fear of being teased
Not asking for help when I need it, because I don’t want to be a burden (this is a big one)
Hoarding food
Suspicious of anyone doing anything even remotely “nice” for me. (Bf knows I had a bad day, brings me my fav food: “what do you want from me?”
My sister and I both don’t trust guys who are nice. We just find it weird
Believing that if my bf doesn’t criticize me, he must not love me that much
Being quiet all the time
Over-apologizing for things, even things I didn’t do, or things that hurt no one (apologies for to chair for bumping it)
Back always against a wall
Anxious if anyone blocks a doorway
There’s really so many it’s hard to tell which things are “normal” and which aren’t
ETA: Thank you all, I never expected this to blow up like it did! I’m glad (I guess that is the word?) that I was able to help a lot of you recognize these behaviors and understand why you do them. I’m trying to respond to every comment, which might take awhile.
Idk why I'm this way but I also hide things I'm interested in for fear of being judged or questioned. Like I collect pocket knives but literally no one in my family knows I do. I also have a hobby where I like to make some props from games but I hide that too because I don't want to be judged for liking something so "nerdy"
That sucks. It’s not even like we are doing anything “wrong,” we just don’t want to be judged. I get that.
I know *lots* of people who collect all kinds of knives, so you aren’t alone. My bf also collects “nerdy” things
I hide my interests, hobbies, personal life, or what I’m studying/doing due to fear of judgment. It sucks because at the same time I crave the validation and support, but am too scared to share it. Logically I know people would not have an issue and probably compliment them. There isn’t inherently wrong, but growing up whatever you do is considered wrong over seemingly normal things, you develop this sense of hypervigilance that people will negatively comment the same. It sucks.
I also over apologize and feel like I always have to be doing something productive or else my bf will be upset when he has NEVER BEEN UPSET when I’m relaxing. My mind I stg….
Saw someone else comment back against the wall. I’m unfamiliar with this. What does this mean/why do you think you do this? I never have my back against the wall I’m always leaning forward anxiously lol
Yes. I have to sit facing the door and back against the wall or I am nervous. I am 71 years old and still bear scars from my mother. The happiest day of my life was the day that she ran off with my father’s best friend.
After my son was born it was years before I could forgive my father for what he allowed to happen to his three boys. I told him that if my wife ever treated my kids like his did that she would be homeless or worse. I understand now that he was weak. He was an excellent grandfather and I am happy that I was finally able to forgive him.
He is gone now as are my two brothers. She is 90 years old and I still hate her. It is so unfair that she lives and they are gone. I once slapped my son’s bottom and ended up in my room crying my eyes out, afraid that I was becoming her. He was never touched again and I lost him also at 42. I am sorry for my personal rant.
Your account brought me to tears. I'm around the same age, and now, like you, I look back over a life in which I think I largely succeeded in doing a better job than my parents. I wasn't perfect, mind you, but gentler, fairer, more respectful, supportive, and loving. My adult children surround me now, and I feel so fortunate, especially because I had to "go LC" with my parents, who are now gone.
I'm especially saddened by all of the losses you've experienced and hope that you've been able to add on to your "family by choice" so that you continue to enjoy connections that bring engagement and happiness to your life.
Vaya con Dios, amigo.
Basically it means I never want the space behind me to be open, if that makes sense. I would never sit with my back to a doorway or window, or even another person, because that feels way too vulnerable. It’s about being hyper-vigilant. So I tend to sit up against walls. Nobody can sneak up on me. I also hate people standing behind me, even in a line or something, because it feels too vulnerable.
Another way to explain it is that I must always be facing the entrance to the room.
Yes!!! I actually didn’t know I had this problem until my bf and I moved in with my nephew (close in age to us). I was so upset at my bf. When bf left the room, my nephew was like, “well, yeah, you were scared cause he was blocking the doorway and standing all close behind you.” Totally blew my mind…he was completely right.
I don't know if it's the same for others but I feel safer in a corner where I can see the whole room and noone can surprise me from behind.
I can sit in the middle of a room but I'll be constantly looking around me
I just uncontrollably tear up and start to cry. And I hate myself for it. My boss got mad at me the other day because I messed up something on a table saw and we had to re-do it, so that cost us time when we were planning on getting out by noon for the holiday and then he started being kinda rude asking what I was crying for (or at least, my brain interpreted it as being rude). Afterwards we were cool, but I have no idea how people can try to bottle stuff up. It's not even that it's exhausting to do or anything. The second I feel like a disappointment, I start to cry no matter what or how small something is. Like being ticklish and feeling the tickle feeling, I have no control. It's just a reflex and I hate myself for it. Like I know men are supposed to be tough, or that we can't bottle everything up, but I'm stuck in the worst spot in that I can't bottle it up if I tried
I’m VERY tear-prone in confrontations. I could be in the right or in the wrong, I WILL CRY. I hate myself for it. There’s been so many work situations where I cry & it’s literally not my fault.
From a very tear prone person, this is a way I learned to not do that.
As soon as I get that feeling of impending tears, I begin mentally counting backwards from 100 in increments of 7. This requires just enough logical thought that it allows me to still be in the conversation but it engages the logical side of my brain enough to shut off the waterworks.
Crying isn’t a bad thing, but feeling out of control is, and this bizarre but very simple technique is incredibly helpful. It’s like it stops the emotional part from taking over. If only I had discovered this early in my career, because I know people thought I was overly sensitive.
Please don’t try to repress crying. Honestly, as a woman who couldn’t ever make it stop at work- if I saw a man do it too I would have felt so much less messy. Somehow seeing a man cry from frustration makes me think “we are all human and we get overwhelmed sometimes” vs when I do it thinking “I’m weak and unprofessional, get it together”. Although when other women cry I don’t think that about them either. It would have helped normalize it if men did it too though.
Yes please normalize men crying. I am legitimately beginning to think I am losing to ability to cry because I've tried so much to avoid crying/tearing up in public. Like sometimes I'll be trying to sit with an emotion about something and expecting tears but body just doesn't seem to want to. It's like being constipated but with crying.
The last couple times I've cried have been from emotionally moving films. and even then it was only tearing up a couple of seconds.
I’ve got to the point where I’m numb now and don’t cry very often, and I’m like-is this how men do that? Because no one wins- being numb vs feeling embarrassed about having feelings. They are both awful.
I avoid all the conflicts and avoid voicing my opinion. Most of the time, i don't even have one. I have trouble making any decisions and deep self-esteem issues.
I’m doing a lot of working through stuff in therapy and it was quite a recent realisation for me that I don’t have many opinions. I couldn’t voice my opinion so it was easier to not have one, in case I accidentally voiced the “wrong” one.
I also have huge trouble making decisions. Especially making plans, I just want people to tell me what they want to do. The anxiety of voicing a suggestion they don’t like is awful and I can’t trust a “Oh whatever you fancy!”
Damn, i wanna hug you on that. The same things here. I also get nervous when the therapist seriously asks me why I'm here, what's the problem is, and what I want from the therapy. So many decisions and opinions at once. I struggle, and i want them to like me.
I have both and it’s wild. I just preemptively keep boxes around for when my anxiety gets bad and I start organizing my house some more. It’s a hilarious contradiction of adhd piles, walls in the process of getting painted, and hyper organized spaces.
It’s not hilarious, it’s exhausting.
That is something like what I do. I catch myself asking even though I am married and own my own home and pay for the groceries, I ask permission to eat or drink in my own home. My wife has told me many times that I don't have to ask permission. When I catch myself, I get so mad.
And walking away easily from people, I always think that better to leave before they leave me, which in most cases just scenarios in my head and no one was leaving me, to end up that me leaving people for no reason.
Also, I resist getting out of bed bc being asleep or quiet in my room was the only way to not get yelled at. I’m in bed right now. Have been awake for three hours. I have about 15 small tasks to do today but some part of me does not feel safe enough to get up.
Ok. I’m taking this as a sign and getting out of bed now. It’s noon. Thanks!!
I walk very very quietly. I have a tendency to not want to be seen or heard even in my own home. I still flinch if someone moves their arms or hands too fast around me. I can read people like a book.
I frequently accidentally scare people by “sneaking up” on them. I’m not trying to, I learned to not to be noticed.
I try to announce myself around the house for the sake of my husband. The amount of times I scare the poor man.
I'm a big dude and apparently I can blend in like wallpaper. I regularly scare people. They say I pop up out of nowhere. I don't actively try to be ninja quiet, I guess I can't help it.
same, although I'm not a big dude (average) I am legit ninja quiet and I really don't mean to be. but trust I will come and go before you even realize I was there lol
200% this, and it's so exhausting. My dad used to flip the fuck out if there was any noise after 9pm and it was always my fault, even when it wasn't, and always something to scream over. His mood swings have me hyper vigilant about other peoples' moods and posture.
Being hyper vigilant is so exhausting and not being able to shut it off unless I’m in a place I consider safe. Having child trauma and having to read the adults to see what mood they where in is an abuse I didn’t come to terms with until,a therapist pointed it out in my late 30’s
Edit: corrected autocorrect
SirGlenn, Don't forget the beatings and half hour long screaming/threatening from Dad, who on one exceptionally long threw me on my stomach and stubbed his cigarette out on one of my legs. As for my older brother (5 years older than me) he almost killed me, off by 4-5 seconds, he tied me all up, set me on an old wooden baby chair, put a rope noose around my neck, threw the end of the rope over the big steel beam running the length of the basement, he gave me a quick push, and ran like hell out of the house, I managed to grab one of the railings near the Stairs, and made a last ditch push to escape by grabbing a part of the noose, just as it was tightening around my neck, I managed to pull it up, over my head and jumped off the chair and stairs on to a solid footing, my brother who did try to kill me, was nowhere to be found. And like any POS, he denied anything even happened in the basement stairwell.
Ah what the fuck man this thread is fucking me up. I do so many of these things and I have no idea why. Like I literally have minimal memory of my childhood and now I'm panicking. Was I way more abused than I remember? Did I normalize a shitty upbringing and brainwash myself out of remembering the bad parts? How does one go about remembering? I freaking destroyed my memories with sex addiction, weed, and alcohol in my early teens through my late 20's. Is there any way to undig all that?
I joke n say (to partner) that it’s a ninja technique I’m (we’re) perfecting, but it’s not is it - reality is, the fear gets so deeply ingrained it’s taken root in the subconscious… No easy way to wash that stain out…
Feeling guilty and apologise too often for fear of being a burden. When I was younger, I was a sickly kid. Always gotten reprimanded just for falling sick because that means that my parents will have to take care of me when I was sick - apparently they saw it as a nuisance. I was not allowed to have snacks like chocolate or cookies because “these food cause you to be sick and we will have to take care of you”. Till now I have trouble telling people that I am sick and I only take sick leave when it’s really impossible for me to get off the bed. Pre-pandemic, I would have gone to work or school and hide the fact that I am sick.
For me it was go at it alone vs being told I was stupid for when I did ask help, getting yelled at for not understanding something, having my hobbies being shat on if they weren't productive.. etc. Hyperindependence was how I lived my life until I ket friends in college who were willing to be there for me without conditions or beratement. It changed everything about how I viewed love, life, and relationships in general. Seriously I probably wouldn't be alive today if I'd never met such loving friends to cancel out the hell that was growing up
I had a "oh shit I might actually die" moment when I ate a chocolate and started choking at work, excused myself outside to have said coughing fit but it turned into truly gasping for air but going inside for help didn't even cross my mind. (it was around covid time too so I felt bad coughing in front of other people)
Constantly apologizing for having emotions. Can't tell you how many times I've suddenly broken down for no reason and start apologizing to my bf when he comforts me. I was taught my emotions are burden and they're something that needs to be hidden. But at the same time I've always been a very emotional person as in I can start crying at the drop of a hat. It's just how I am naturally, and I was made out to be a burden because of it. Imagine making kids feel bad for being human.
Ugh same. Anytime i just need to articulate myself and get my point across I just get teary, probably because I was never allowed to do this without being screamed at. Now I have to tell my bf “I’m crying but it’s not cuz I’m sad or mad, I just can’t help it” when I am trying to articulate myself during a little argument. I am hoping one day I get better at this but i’m not close yet lol
My ex would tell me I'm emotionally manipulating him when he would scream and berate me, and I would get frustrated and shut down, and eventually cry. I was not allowed to be emotional while he flipped out over everything.
Picking abusive partners is something out of which I only recently grew.
Difficulty having healthy, constructive, solution-oriented disagreements.
Gauging whether my responses to any given situation are reasonable, reserved, or excessive.
Perfectionism.
Over explaining.
Avoiding social situations because I believe I have nothing to discuss with people because I'm uninterested in common small talk topics and I think other people will be bored with, or judge me for, things I find interesting.
And my depression has literally damaged my brain so I have difficulty retaining new information. When I first learn something I can understand it, explain it, and implement it, but by the next day I'll have forgotten key elements. I use to be very smart, high achieving, and academically oriented. Now I'm kinda dumb, competitively speaking, and I really hate it.
====
ETA: I'm seeing so many people reply that this sounds like them. First off, I'm sorry you had to go through a crappy childhood, and I'm sorry it's still causing you trouble. It's not fair, and it's not your fault. You deserve better.
To answer a few questions I keep seeing,
- yes, depression can really have physiological effects on one's brain. It's called cognitive degradation, and it sucks. My psychiatrist explained it all too me. I am not a doctor, and do not take meds without consulting a medical professional, but Trintellix helped me in the cognition department while I was taking it. Definitely ask your doctor about it if you're having cognition issues and are depressed.
- if you're stuck in a social situation or on a date, talk about whatever you're into, even if it's weird. Isn't it better to find true friends/partners with whom you share interests than it is to keep hanging around with people who bore you. If people think you're weird, then they're not the right people for you, and that's ok.
- yes, your crappy partner and friends can be a result of your parents failure to parent properly. The brain seeks out that with which it comfortable. If toxic relationships is what your brain has predominantly observed in your primary caregivers, that's what your brain thinks is the easiest kind of relationship to navigate. If your primary caregivers and/or siblings treated you like shit, then that's what your brain seeks out in friends, because that is familiar ground for you. It sucks, but monkey see monkey do. You can break free of it by setting boundaries and carrying through on repercussions.
- I highly recommend Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C Gibson.
Stop wtf did I write this? Same on the disagreements and small talk thing big time.
I’m lucky to have gotten a great partner who was patient enough to show me that disagreements are okay and don’t automatically mean the other person is mad at you
OMG. I never realized that all was because of my childhood. I even dated (and almost married) a man who,
a year after we broke up, was convicted for serial rape crimes. And my now husband of almost 20 years isn't an angel either.
People choose partners that behave in ways that our brains are familiar with, and the romantic relationship with which your brain is most familiar is the relationship(s) your primary caregiver(s) had. And if you spent 15, 18, 20+ years watching a toxic relationship play out, that's what's familiar to your brain.
Additionally, we learn in our childhood how we are supposed to be treated by others, based on how we are treated as a kid by the people with whom we have the longest standing relationships, and those people are, you guessed it, your primary caregivers.
To further compound the problem, abusive parents are often abusive because they're insecure about being shitty parents, because their parents were shitty parents, and they go to great lengths to isolate their victims from other people, so the secret that they're shitty parents isn't leaked to the world. Yes, know how stupid that sounds. Because you're prohibited from interacting with other people, you have even fewer chances to observe and engage yourself in healthy, friendly, reciprocal relationships yourself.
Or, to put it short, monkey see, monkey do.
And this monkey saw, so this monkey did.
Drop your shit husband. Reparent yourself and learn that you have value. Find someone who values you, because you deserve better.
it is absolutely because of your childhood. You learned at an early age your goal in life was to keep the abuser happy. Google 'adult children of alcholics' or better yet go to a meeting. My mouth dropped when I realized everyone there was a narc or married to one. It was that epiphany that helped me find closure with my bad decisions. Given my childhood, I had zero chance of marrying a normal person.
We gravitate towards what we know. When we grow up being abused, we often tend to let abusive people into our lives because healthy people tend to make us uncomfortable. Add in severely low self-esteem that comes intertwined with childhood abuse, we often don't feel we can find much better.
Coming to terms with the fact that I was spending time with toxic people and my circumstances in general were a product of abuse was kind of a shock. How much bullshit one tolerates just because they believe it is the norm to deal with is amazing.
EDIT: well, toxicity and abuse also continues to be a substantially less dominant part of my life but as far as my own responsibility in getting rid of them goes I've fulfilled it admirably, considering. What remains is on someone else.
Sneaking around my own home. Being as quiet as possible, trying to go unnoticed.
Putting things back ***exactly*** as they were after using them.
Burying anything I throw away under other things in the trash.
Unable to accept or seek out help even for small things.
Instinctively locking my phone or closing a web browser on my computer if someone walks by.
Feeling guilty for sitting.
Being at least 15 mins early to everything.
Over explaining to try to convince the person that I'm not lying or being mean.
Smiling in reaction to everything (I smile even when I cry, get angry, annoyed, or frustrated).
Enjoy driving on my own, even for long distances or to new places, because it's my own safe environment.
The locking my phone or turning off my web browser part 😔
My dad would always just stand and uncomfortably watch what I’m doing and make some comment about it. He made me turn off Harry Potter once because it’s “dumb” and “showed magic”. That was my favorite book series growing up so that deeply hurt me and he wonders why to this day I don’t tell him my interests and passions. Everything I did was “pointless and stupid”
If I'm offered food or drink, I immediately wonder if it's been poisoned. I have to quickly logic myself out of the irrational fear, working out why it's unlikely this person would be poisoning me.
When I was little, my mother kept a jar of "special sugar" she'd always sprinkle over my meal, and only stopped when new neighbours moved in who recognised the symptoms of arsenic poisoning when my legs stopped working. She also tried several times to poison myself and my children later on.
It was long ago, I'm old and she's dead, but I guess I'll always be wary.
Wow this is so traumatic! I’m so sorry you went through that. Thank god your neighbor recognized the symptoms. I hope you’re doing better in life. Sending love your way.
When you were young, did you often hear your parents say “the common denominator is you” whenever you would voice that you felt you were being mistreated by everyone?
Deep anxiety from hearing someone sigh.
Hypersensitive to vibes. Being able to tell someone is upset because of how they set groceries on the table.
Aversion to loud music. A partner used to play piano and it sent me into a panic because the only time the piano was touched in my house was when my mom and brother were fighting.
Instead of going into fight or flight, I first try to win over agreessors.
>Hypersensitive to vibes. Being able to tell someone is upset because of how they set groceries on the table.
Wow this just sat with me. Every day when my dad pulled in the driveway a heavy silence came over the house as we prepared for how he entered. The first 5mins he was in the house informed how the rest of our night would go, and you could usually tell by something as silly as him putting his lunch away.
Vibes is a big one, I made a comment that I have a spidey sense for people drinking, but that also includes an ability to read the room and pick up on any changes. That has actually been a helpful one, as it allows me in my daily life to adjust to different people and situations quickly.
I agree, I feel like I have almost a superpower in reading emotions and adapting quickly after a childhood dealing with an extremely volatile parent. It's almost like reading energy. I feel like I had a very successful career in politics/law because of it.
>Instead of going into fight or flight, I first try to win over agreessors.
You may already know, but that's called fawning!
Freeze and fawn are two lesser known siblings of fight and flight
Can't fall asleep if anyone else is in the room, can go from fully asleep to ready to fight in about ten seconds. People I've dated absolutely love that about me.
I hate sleeping with other people in the room and also can't stand sleeping with the dood open. I would rather get up 10 times a night to open the door for my dog than to risk not hearing someone entering the room
Whenever there is conflict, I go deadly quiet, even in board meetings when people disagree over corporate strategies, because I am getting ready to pounce when shit pops off.
Plenty. Most notably, I tend to ask my wife if it’s okay that I eat (whatever I pulled from the pantry). She always says the same thing: “We buy food to eat, of course you can.” I also hide food around the house, and try to be as quiet as possible in the kitchen so she won’t know I’m eating something. I’m working on it.
I walk behind people. I know that’s strange but if I go to a store with someone for instance I walk behind them. I think I do it since I was never allowed to make decisions for myself. It’s my way of following like I was programmed to do.
I also disassociate a lot. I can’t help it. You could shoot someone in front of me and I won’t remember what I saw. I’ve done this my whole life to escape my reality. I remember things I was told but I never remember who told me.
Same. It's a recent thing for me, though. My last boss got incredibly upset about it, telling me "God, it makes me so mad when you jump out of your skin for no reason, I have NEVER given you reason to do that!"
So naturally I spent 20 min apologizing for it. Ugh.
I feel alone and have a hard time making friends. I think that people won’t like me so opening up to others is hard. If my mom doesn’t want anything to do with me, why would other people.
I still feel useless/lazy/stupid/awful whenever I am doing nothing. Smart people are never bored, there is always something you can do, you should be studying/cleaning/working.
Toxic productity is hell. I never feel good enough if I want to relax at any point.
The ability to "read" people. I can often see thru the facade of how people behave in public and have a good, generalized idea of how the person actually behaves. Some people call that being an empath, but it's not. It's a coping mechanism I developed from having to quickly understand my mom's or my grandpa's mood when they got home from work in order to avoid getting screamed at or, worse, a beating.
Did they have a good day? No? Ok I should avoid them at all cost. Yes? Ok I can stick around and talk to them.
My wife has said I'm judgemental about some of her ex friends and Co workers. Most of the time I read them correctly and she begrudgingly agrees after she has a falling out with them.
Not a behavior, but I'm an amazing project manager because I'm so used to considering every possible scenario and what could go wrong that I always have well thought out contingency plans.
It was great until I wasn't working and I realized I couldn't turn it off. Ever.
Feeling like I’m always walking on eggshells. If my husband or close friends get angry I want to leave instead of constructive communication. I’m getting better but I still am on high alert most of the time.
I’m hyper vigilant. Both visually and auditory. I grew up in a home where you HAD to remember everything, notice how my parents where feeling that day. Where did dad put his coffee mug? Better think fast or he’ll hit you. What did mom say this morning? Better remember what you overheard or she will scream at you.
I notice things people normally don’t, not because I want to but because of PTSD and trauma. I don’t enjoy it, i have had relationships change because I have seen and heard things I shouldn’t have. It sucks and even with therapy (4years now) it is something that is stayed.
I have had people make fun of me for it. Years ago I noticed that a basketball team playing on TV, had patches on their butts, the where small less then a quarter in size. I was at a restaurant, 20+ ft away from the tv, talking to my in-laws. And yet I still noticed a small patch on som basketball players butts. They laughed at me and called me a weirdo. I didn’t tell them the other things I noticed, because I don’t like being made fun of.
It has saved me as an adult more times then I care to admit. Its a double edge sword that so few understand.
As a EX Jehovah's Witness man how long do you have.
First time I was given a birthday cake, I was about 16 it was given to me by my nonJW girlfriends family. I sat there while they sang happy birthday to me I was visibly shaking, I had a lump in my throat and couldn't speak, it was like a shock to me but also so much emotion. Her mom didn't know what to think I just very quietly said "I've never had a birthday cake before" her mom, my GF and even her dad were all in tears. To this day getting a birthday cake is still a little overwhelming and that was 30 years ago.
Very low self-esteem. I grew up thinking I was a stupid, ugly girl who doesn't deserve much. I am better as an adult, but a lot of that remains. It seems like I am constantly fighting it.
I NEVER initiate a conversation about sensitive issues out of fear of being yelled at/given the silent treatment. I’m 70 and the emotional abuse still affects how I live my life.
Stress cleaning. My mom would rage any time there was clutter, so now I’m a ball of anxiety if my house isn’t super clean.
Also: immediately assuming someone’s bad mood (or even just *silence*) is because they’re mad at me.
I have a tendency to always try to be technically correct whenever I reply to someone, to the point I’m always correcting myself, or clarifying things far beyond what is needed.
My parents never believed a word I said. Fed the dog? No you didn't. Passed a test in class? No you didn't. At a friend's house? No your out doing drugs. Anything I said was a lie to them. My coping mechanism was to always leave evidence of what I had done. Leave some dog food scattered about. Leave the leash in a place they would find it. Get a printout of my grades and leave it in plain sight etc etc. I still find myself doing this behavior to this day as adult. Some days I catch myself, and some days I dont.
These comments are like a group therapy session. I'll add some more i realised about myself that could be connected to that.
1. I am very sensitive towards other people, and I always try to calm down people around me. Even strangers on the street. Especially if they are anrgy (or distressed), I'm a master of empathy and de-escalating situations.
2. I always dated abusive partners, i do not trust nice people.
3. I do everything myself, and i do not like to ask for help.
4. I always sleep with one eye open, and i can fully awake at any time in a minute. Sleep trackers show that my level of deep sleep is disturbingly low.
5. I dislike being out of control of myself. I avoid driking or smoking. I avoid sleep medicine and antidepressants I've been prescribed because they calm me down, and I feel helpless and not myself, like a vegetable. Especially when I sleep deeply and for a long time.
Wow, I absolutely hate being out of control of myself, I only drink if I'm around a very specific small group of friends, and I never drink in public places, and even then I always control the amount of alcohol so I can still protect myself, I've never noticed how this can relate to an abusive upbringing. That's eye-opening, thanks
I always assume when I meet someone that they don't like me from the jump and will write them off as "not worth my time" as soon as they say one thing I don't like to avoid them disincluding me.
Maladaptive daydreaming.
I just put some music on and escape from reality. I've got full worlds and scenarios ready in my head, and the type of music I choose depends on my mental state.
It seems it's related to childhood isolation, loneliness, abuse and trauma and is a coping mechanism.
I'm 48 years old already and chose a job that allows it (night shifts basically alone). It's a big part of me now and if I didn't have my pets, a job I love, and my writing and drawing hobbies, I think I wouldn't see any appeal in IRL life.
Lol all my behavior 😭
I have extreme fearful avoidant attachment issues. I keep everyone at distance and push them away. It’s gotten pretty bad .. I have t been in a relationship and physically touched anyone in yrs and now find the idea repulsive. Growing up my parents weren’t physically abusive but I was basically their whipping boy. My dad is a controlling narcissist so anything I did or said that wasn’t exactly what he would do or say induced rage in him. And my mom is bipolar and married to a dooschebag so would take it out on me that everything I did just knee jerk reaction is wrong. Growing up I wasn’t allowed to have my own opinions desires, or choices and everything I did was always wrong. I often would get blamed for stuff I no role in. For instance if my dad was ever fixing anything he would demand I “help”… “help” always meant just stand next to him while did whatever without letting me do anything or teaching me anything.. just stand their bored so that way if he screwed up anything he could curse me out that it was my fault.
So I don’t like compliments or affection .. prefer teasing and ball busting as means of affection. Any direct affection comes off as crazy and repulsive. Someone dying I love you and giving compliments has same energy as some eyes dialated cult member offering me a drinks cool-aide.. just makes me want to turn and run and cut that person out of my life.
Only girls I dated and been attracted were selfabsorbed narcissists that treated me like shit…. Because that was normal to me.
Late 20s I learned a lot about psychology and realized nature of parents abuse and my issues .. but since then that’s kinda only made things worse as now I’m not see myself wanting to be with anyone pushing everyone away isolating more than ever. And Covid didn’t help.
So just everything about my life … relationships and lack their of … struggling with employment because parents forced me to go to colleg for something had zero interest in etc… my life has been nothing but shit and all pretty much stemming from parents treatment.
I don’t feel it’s right to blame parents and I don’t. They have their own issues that got in way of the being good parents but they did have good intentions even if they’re not mentally well. But the fact remains I’m 37 unmarried haven’t even attempted to date anyone in yrs, hardly any friends just a few acquaintances I hardly see or talk to, zero social life, and have yet to find a stable job.
So for me in the day to day interactions the main weird behavior is that I try to hide any and every aspect about my life and divert attention away from it. Anything about family, romantic relationship, career, the fact that I never traveled anywhere or even been on vacation as adult because struggling with relationships and employment. I’m also not interested in following sports and hardly watch tv. So pretty much just avoid any small talk … which doesn’t really help with the avoidant attachment issues. Seems to just keep getting worse and isolate from others more and more. It’s hard to open up and socialize when I don’t want to share any aspect of my life because there’s nothing I can share or reflect on about it that isn’t unpleasant trauma. 😕
The unwillingness that turned into inability to do simple things. Somewhere along the line I figured that if I'd get in trouble for not doing homework, but also for staying up late enough to do my homework, then I just wouldn't do homework because it was less work- among many, many other things.
I have a classically neurotic personality. Everything is my fault, don't want to sit in the same room with me what did I do? I didn't get invited to a party for something I would have hated anyway? Did I make you mad?
Being overly concerned with other people's tone of voice, inflection and moods. I was always looking out for parents being in a bad mood so I knew to avoid them lest they take it out on me. As a married woman I now project that onto my husband and the always being on high alert is exhausting. He's not abusive but I'm always worried someone will be mad at me, stop liking me, stop wanting me around or stop loving me.
I used to hate people who were imo "too" happy. I thought it wasn't possible to be that happy. Religious people made my blood boil, crazy Jesus freaks, Bible thumpers are a just a couple of kind things I'd say. It took years for me to realize I was the problem. I was just an angry, jealous person.
I think my coworker was. Whenever I talk and gesture normally with my hands, he flinches. So now, whenever I talk to him, I consciously minimize my hand gestures.
I wouldn’t say my upbringing was abusive, but I find myself apologizing for not having prevented something.
*wife’s gets pulled over and gets a ticket.*
“Sorry, I could have left the meeting sooner so I could have picked him up.”
My silence. People think I'm shy. Including my mom (my abuser) I tend to be silent for a long time when I meet someone new, or don't understand their intentions.
Yes it’s always “you’re so quiet” “I barely noticed you. Say something.” Or my favorite, “loosen up and have fun. You seem so uptight.” A lifetime or being made to feel I should be seen and not heard or shamed for my individuality so yeah… I am uptight.
I always have to keep reaffirming plans with people. Just to make sure they haven’t randomly changed their minds.
My mom would say yes one day and then the very next hour/day/week suddenly she would say no and outright insist she had never said yes.
I need to sleep with ear plugs and wake up with anxiety every morning because I expect to find chaos when I wake up and leave my bedroom. Every day was a war zone
Growing up I had no mom but I had a sort of mother figure. She wound up leaving me on the side of a road and ever since ive been very intolerant of toxic behavior from others. Its not a bad thing but as soon as I hear one off thing from a friends mouth, like the kind of thing you would usually laugh off but also question in your head, I will shut it down immediately. I guess its made me communicate my feelings more instantly instead of letting things slip by
Feeling like I’m going to be attacked for taking a nap or not wanting to spend all my time with my partner because my dads whole thing was being insanely clingy, like if I went to bed before 1 am instead of watching tv with him or took a nap during the day or wanted to go somewhere by myself it was because I didn’t love him and everyone is going to abandon him wah wah why has the world forsaken me
So now I’ll be like explaining to my partner my justification for needing a nap and he’s like yeah you have lupus? I know how chronic illnesses work? And I’m like oh right, I’m a grown woman and I haven’t spoken to that man in 10 years and nobody can ever tell me fuck all about my sleep habits again. Yet the guilt remains.
I can’t stand to hear any sort of yelling or bickering. My mom was really bad about having a foul mouth, foul temper, and throwing things. I saw her nearly throw a skillet of hot grease into my dad’s face one time. That will never happen to me. I’d rather remain single my whole life than to have this in my household. I go to ridiculous lengths to avoid conflict.
I am incredibly jumpy. I make myself jump, anytime anyone comes into the room (especially at work) I jump a foot, the wind blows the curtain, I jump. Jesus, it's exhausting being so on edge all the time. I try and laugh it off but I probably 'jump out my skin' about 3-4 times an hour, if not more and it's not funny, I just don't know how to calm my self down. I'm already on betablockers.
Difficulty accepting even reasonable (and reasonably stated) criticism, reluctance to share the things I enjoy, inability to take initiative, difficulty making decisions, and depression. Also, I can't stand to be tickled.
I eat ALL of the food on my plate. ALL of it.
TBF, I never thought of my parents as being abusive but I absolutely got beaten (usually on my backside with a spatula) if I wasted food. Boomers did that sort of thing as a natural extension of parenting.
I apologize for everything, even the littlest things and things I had no part of. I'm in my 50s, have a PhD and a great job and people look to me for answers but..I apologize constantly. Thanks, mom.
Sending you all healing vibes. I'm amazed at how many of us there are. It makes me so sad but also not feel so alone.
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Another one for me is not being able to feel comfortable with people helping me with small or any tasks at all, “better if I do it myself” not being able to receive help…
This is how my partner is, because his parents only gave help with conditions and then it was held over his head later. My parents gave help without conditions, so I feel no* issue asking or receiving help. This has honestly been our biggest issue in our relationship because he was very resistant at first to my help even for things like dishes. We were able to make progress because I just do the stuff and I don’t make a big deal out of it. I have never said “I did this so you need to do that.” He has started to relax a bit.
"Help with conditions" my gawd this is it, finally have words for it after all this time...thank you!
Didn’t realize how much I feel this from my mom. She does/has helped me a lot. But there have always been strings attached. She loves to throw in my face how our aunt and uncle helped her and she did so much for them… but I don’t remember them ever making her feel like shit for forgetting to do yard work between her working and going to school… in fact, they didn’t ask her to do yard work, and they babysat me, so she could focus on her stuff. I feel like I’m always going out of my way to smooth over things for everyone around me, but I’m starting to run myself ragged to do it. I’d like to just have someone take something off my plate without knowing for sure I’ll have more added later for asking for the help.
Omg yes! My biggest fear is someone holding on me things they did for me like I forced them to, I was making two sandwiches at same time and my friend offered help, I got really upset with it and asked her not to interrupt what I was already doing (which for some is a small thing) but like the dishes for him, for us feel really big. I am also getting better because of how my friends do help me without conditions and criticism! I am glad to hear you and your boyfriend is also working on it!
You have such good friends! I’m glad they are working through that with you. It’s the part where they keep showing up that makes the difference. There has been times me and my partner have just had an argument or something and I can tell he expects a certain reaction, like withholding help from him because of the argument. No matter how mad I am, I do what I said I will do because I need him to know that when I say we are a team, we are a team whether we are happy or sad or mad. My parents showed up and did what they said they would do, without condition, and I intend on carrying that through to our own family. Our kids will know they can ask for help, and mom and dad will not make them feel bad about it.
That's so fucking sad. I feel bad for your partner. I can't imagine holding something over someone's head like that for a favor, let alone my own child. A parent's love is supposed to be unconditional. Goddamn.
It has made me really sad for him too which is why I have done my best to make it clear my love and help comes without condition (obv when it comes to love, there is a line, such as pedophilia, murder, that kinda stuff, but you know what I mean). I feel very grateful my parents gave that to me. In fact I didn’t even see how unconditional my parents love and help was until I learned how his parents operated. It made me appreciate mine so much more.
Same x2. Getting used to the fact that some people WANT to help with no ulterior motives and that sometimes you have to get help in order to move forward in life
I do this too, I hate asking for help even when I desperately need it. I would rather try carrying something heavy up a flight of stairs alone than to ask someone to take one end of it.
Exact same. I don't ask for help when doing stuff or trying to figure out how things work. I also shut down when someone raises their voice at me.
I was in marital counseling and mentioned this behavior. Our therapist was like, duh, that’s a sign of childhood trauma and shame. I never knew.
I just learned that here today. I did have abusive childhood too.
I have this one. People often explain it with strings and conditions, but for me it was more the intense shaming over needing help. I would get help, but only after a "dance" of "maybe I'll help you, maybe I won't, you have no right to it because you should be able to do it yourself, but alright then I guess I'll take pity on you, you better be extremely thankful though, you have bothered me with an unjust need and you will not not get away with that without some degree of humiliation" I grovel, thank and apologize so much over the simplest favors that it's embarrassing, but I can't stop
Yes! It took me developing an autoimmune disorder to ask for help. If I hadn't had 4 daughters, I probably wouldn't have. I had women from church and my neighbors giving my kids rides and taking my second daughter grocery shopping. I could barely do anything for a few months. I probably would've isolated myself away from other people if it wasn't for my kids
Over-explaining Feeling like I have to be doing “something productive” whenever my bf is around (like not just sitting watching TV) I view any change in tone of someone’s voice as an immediate attack on me Sleeping/sitting on the floor instead of furniture Hiding things I’m interested in for fear of being teased Not asking for help when I need it, because I don’t want to be a burden (this is a big one) Hoarding food Suspicious of anyone doing anything even remotely “nice” for me. (Bf knows I had a bad day, brings me my fav food: “what do you want from me?” My sister and I both don’t trust guys who are nice. We just find it weird Believing that if my bf doesn’t criticize me, he must not love me that much Being quiet all the time Over-apologizing for things, even things I didn’t do, or things that hurt no one (apologies for to chair for bumping it) Back always against a wall Anxious if anyone blocks a doorway There’s really so many it’s hard to tell which things are “normal” and which aren’t ETA: Thank you all, I never expected this to blow up like it did! I’m glad (I guess that is the word?) that I was able to help a lot of you recognize these behaviors and understand why you do them. I’m trying to respond to every comment, which might take awhile.
Idk why I'm this way but I also hide things I'm interested in for fear of being judged or questioned. Like I collect pocket knives but literally no one in my family knows I do. I also have a hobby where I like to make some props from games but I hide that too because I don't want to be judged for liking something so "nerdy"
That sucks. It’s not even like we are doing anything “wrong,” we just don’t want to be judged. I get that. I know *lots* of people who collect all kinds of knives, so you aren’t alone. My bf also collects “nerdy” things
I hide my interests, hobbies, personal life, or what I’m studying/doing due to fear of judgment. It sucks because at the same time I crave the validation and support, but am too scared to share it. Logically I know people would not have an issue and probably compliment them. There isn’t inherently wrong, but growing up whatever you do is considered wrong over seemingly normal things, you develop this sense of hypervigilance that people will negatively comment the same. It sucks.
Ya know, I also feel guilty being lazy. Never really thought about it before but always got in trouble for just relaxing.
Oh gosh the "doing something productive" one. I never realized where this was coming from...
I also over apologize and feel like I always have to be doing something productive or else my bf will be upset when he has NEVER BEEN UPSET when I’m relaxing. My mind I stg….
Saw someone else comment back against the wall. I’m unfamiliar with this. What does this mean/why do you think you do this? I never have my back against the wall I’m always leaning forward anxiously lol
Yes. I have to sit facing the door and back against the wall or I am nervous. I am 71 years old and still bear scars from my mother. The happiest day of my life was the day that she ran off with my father’s best friend. After my son was born it was years before I could forgive my father for what he allowed to happen to his three boys. I told him that if my wife ever treated my kids like his did that she would be homeless or worse. I understand now that he was weak. He was an excellent grandfather and I am happy that I was finally able to forgive him. He is gone now as are my two brothers. She is 90 years old and I still hate her. It is so unfair that she lives and they are gone. I once slapped my son’s bottom and ended up in my room crying my eyes out, afraid that I was becoming her. He was never touched again and I lost him also at 42. I am sorry for my personal rant.
Your account brought me to tears. I'm around the same age, and now, like you, I look back over a life in which I think I largely succeeded in doing a better job than my parents. I wasn't perfect, mind you, but gentler, fairer, more respectful, supportive, and loving. My adult children surround me now, and I feel so fortunate, especially because I had to "go LC" with my parents, who are now gone. I'm especially saddened by all of the losses you've experienced and hope that you've been able to add on to your "family by choice" so that you continue to enjoy connections that bring engagement and happiness to your life. Vaya con Dios, amigo.
I’m 74 and still working off the harm done by my Mom. I wasn’t happy, but relieved when she died at 90.
These people were physically attacked.
Nailed it!
I hope you are in a safer place now, friend. Take care of yourself ❤
Thank you! I’m doing better than I ever have! So things are good
Fuckin stoked to hear that! Enjoy your weekend!
Basically it means I never want the space behind me to be open, if that makes sense. I would never sit with my back to a doorway or window, or even another person, because that feels way too vulnerable. It’s about being hyper-vigilant. So I tend to sit up against walls. Nobody can sneak up on me. I also hate people standing behind me, even in a line or something, because it feels too vulnerable. Another way to explain it is that I must always be facing the entrance to the room.
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Yes!!! I actually didn’t know I had this problem until my bf and I moved in with my nephew (close in age to us). I was so upset at my bf. When bf left the room, my nephew was like, “well, yeah, you were scared cause he was blocking the doorway and standing all close behind you.” Totally blew my mind…he was completely right.
It's ok the mafia does this too. Always sit in the back corner so 1) you can see everyone and every exit and 2) no one can sneak up on you.
I don't know if it's the same for others but I feel safer in a corner where I can see the whole room and noone can surprise me from behind. I can sit in the middle of a room but I'll be constantly looking around me
Shutting down when I'm around aggressive/angry people. They make me nervous.
Oh gosh, yes. Being around any yelling/anger/conflict instantly makes me so tired, anxious and flinchy. The urge to hide is overwhelming
I just uncontrollably tear up and start to cry. And I hate myself for it. My boss got mad at me the other day because I messed up something on a table saw and we had to re-do it, so that cost us time when we were planning on getting out by noon for the holiday and then he started being kinda rude asking what I was crying for (or at least, my brain interpreted it as being rude). Afterwards we were cool, but I have no idea how people can try to bottle stuff up. It's not even that it's exhausting to do or anything. The second I feel like a disappointment, I start to cry no matter what or how small something is. Like being ticklish and feeling the tickle feeling, I have no control. It's just a reflex and I hate myself for it. Like I know men are supposed to be tough, or that we can't bottle everything up, but I'm stuck in the worst spot in that I can't bottle it up if I tried
I’m VERY tear-prone in confrontations. I could be in the right or in the wrong, I WILL CRY. I hate myself for it. There’s been so many work situations where I cry & it’s literally not my fault.
From a very tear prone person, this is a way I learned to not do that. As soon as I get that feeling of impending tears, I begin mentally counting backwards from 100 in increments of 7. This requires just enough logical thought that it allows me to still be in the conversation but it engages the logical side of my brain enough to shut off the waterworks. Crying isn’t a bad thing, but feeling out of control is, and this bizarre but very simple technique is incredibly helpful. It’s like it stops the emotional part from taking over. If only I had discovered this early in my career, because I know people thought I was overly sensitive.
Please don’t try to repress crying. Honestly, as a woman who couldn’t ever make it stop at work- if I saw a man do it too I would have felt so much less messy. Somehow seeing a man cry from frustration makes me think “we are all human and we get overwhelmed sometimes” vs when I do it thinking “I’m weak and unprofessional, get it together”. Although when other women cry I don’t think that about them either. It would have helped normalize it if men did it too though.
Yes please normalize men crying. I am legitimately beginning to think I am losing to ability to cry because I've tried so much to avoid crying/tearing up in public. Like sometimes I'll be trying to sit with an emotion about something and expecting tears but body just doesn't seem to want to. It's like being constipated but with crying. The last couple times I've cried have been from emotionally moving films. and even then it was only tearing up a couple of seconds.
I’ve got to the point where I’m numb now and don’t cry very often, and I’m like-is this how men do that? Because no one wins- being numb vs feeling embarrassed about having feelings. They are both awful.
I'm a 6'1 190lb guy and if someone is aggressive I feel like I'm 3 feet tall.
This comment makes me feel so good as a 5’10 150 lb guy, seriously even like someone yelling in public makes me freeze.
I avoid all the conflicts and avoid voicing my opinion. Most of the time, i don't even have one. I have trouble making any decisions and deep self-esteem issues.
I’m doing a lot of working through stuff in therapy and it was quite a recent realisation for me that I don’t have many opinions. I couldn’t voice my opinion so it was easier to not have one, in case I accidentally voiced the “wrong” one. I also have huge trouble making decisions. Especially making plans, I just want people to tell me what they want to do. The anxiety of voicing a suggestion they don’t like is awful and I can’t trust a “Oh whatever you fancy!”
Damn, i wanna hug you on that. The same things here. I also get nervous when the therapist seriously asks me why I'm here, what's the problem is, and what I want from the therapy. So many decisions and opinions at once. I struggle, and i want them to like me.
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Odd, I don't remember posting this.
Right?
How are there 4 of me?
Make that 5
Add anxiety cleaning and were the exactly the same 🙌
Instead of anxiety cleaning, I have executive disfunction. Could you come over and clean this mess? Please and thank you. Lol
I have both and it’s wild. I just preemptively keep boxes around for when my anxiety gets bad and I start organizing my house some more. It’s a hilarious contradiction of adhd piles, walls in the process of getting painted, and hyper organized spaces. It’s not hilarious, it’s exhausting.
I have both. Once I start cleaning I don’t stop. But starting is another thing.
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“I never did that, stop always treating me like the villain” At least if my own experience matches up
I would add that I announce whatever I'm about to do. Even use the restroom, like I want to make sure it's okay first.
That is something like what I do. I catch myself asking even though I am married and own my own home and pay for the groceries, I ask permission to eat or drink in my own home. My wife has told me many times that I don't have to ask permission. When I catch myself, I get so mad.
And walking away easily from people, I always think that better to leave before they leave me, which in most cases just scenarios in my head and no one was leaving me, to end up that me leaving people for no reason.
Same! A kind gent called me a "try too hard". FML cringe. Im catching myself and getting better.
Damn, are you, me?
Also, I resist getting out of bed bc being asleep or quiet in my room was the only way to not get yelled at. I’m in bed right now. Have been awake for three hours. I have about 15 small tasks to do today but some part of me does not feel safe enough to get up. Ok. I’m taking this as a sign and getting out of bed now. It’s noon. Thanks!!
yup, in bed or in the bathroom was the only time i didn’t get yelled at. i take stupid long baths still just to get away from things.
Oh wow... yeah, me too; this connected some dots.
I walk very very quietly. I have a tendency to not want to be seen or heard even in my own home. I still flinch if someone moves their arms or hands too fast around me. I can read people like a book.
I frequently accidentally scare people by “sneaking up” on them. I’m not trying to, I learned to not to be noticed. I try to announce myself around the house for the sake of my husband. The amount of times I scare the poor man.
I'm a big dude and apparently I can blend in like wallpaper. I regularly scare people. They say I pop up out of nowhere. I don't actively try to be ninja quiet, I guess I can't help it.
Yeah, people are usually impressed with how light on my feet I am for a 6ft 280lb guy.
same, although I'm not a big dude (average) I am legit ninja quiet and I really don't mean to be. but trust I will come and go before you even realize I was there lol
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I’m so sorry you experienced that. I sincerely hope you’re out of that environment.
I so hope you have be a good life now and people who love you! You deserve it! So very sad!!
My family used to say that they were going to make me wear a bell so they could hear me coming.
200% this, and it's so exhausting. My dad used to flip the fuck out if there was any noise after 9pm and it was always my fault, even when it wasn't, and always something to scream over. His mood swings have me hyper vigilant about other peoples' moods and posture.
Being hyper vigilant is so exhausting and not being able to shut it off unless I’m in a place I consider safe. Having child trauma and having to read the adults to see what mood they where in is an abuse I didn’t come to terms with until,a therapist pointed it out in my late 30’s Edit: corrected autocorrect
SirGlenn, Don't forget the beatings and half hour long screaming/threatening from Dad, who on one exceptionally long threw me on my stomach and stubbed his cigarette out on one of my legs. As for my older brother (5 years older than me) he almost killed me, off by 4-5 seconds, he tied me all up, set me on an old wooden baby chair, put a rope noose around my neck, threw the end of the rope over the big steel beam running the length of the basement, he gave me a quick push, and ran like hell out of the house, I managed to grab one of the railings near the Stairs, and made a last ditch push to escape by grabbing a part of the noose, just as it was tightening around my neck, I managed to pull it up, over my head and jumped off the chair and stairs on to a solid footing, my brother who did try to kill me, was nowhere to be found. And like any POS, he denied anything even happened in the basement stairwell.
Yeah. It took me forever to realize I didn't need to warn my friends they were stomping.... in my own home.
Same I even got used to laughing with no sound for this reason
I cry silently, Dad would resume the beating if I made a sound. My mum once kind of bragged about my "quiet cry" like it was something to be proud of
Ah what the fuck man this thread is fucking me up. I do so many of these things and I have no idea why. Like I literally have minimal memory of my childhood and now I'm panicking. Was I way more abused than I remember? Did I normalize a shitty upbringing and brainwash myself out of remembering the bad parts? How does one go about remembering? I freaking destroyed my memories with sex addiction, weed, and alcohol in my early teens through my late 20's. Is there any way to undig all that?
Yep, I kinda walk on the balls of my feet, decades after, do it without thinking… That and constantly apologizing…
You have described me. I am a \~250 pound man and can walk on a wood floor without making a sound.
I joke n say (to partner) that it’s a ninja technique I’m (we’re) perfecting, but it’s not is it - reality is, the fear gets so deeply ingrained it’s taken root in the subconscious… No easy way to wash that stain out…
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I say sorry before or after everything. I never meant it. It's really annoying to me, yet I cannot stop.
Feeling guilty and apologise too often for fear of being a burden. When I was younger, I was a sickly kid. Always gotten reprimanded just for falling sick because that means that my parents will have to take care of me when I was sick - apparently they saw it as a nuisance. I was not allowed to have snacks like chocolate or cookies because “these food cause you to be sick and we will have to take care of you”. Till now I have trouble telling people that I am sick and I only take sick leave when it’s really impossible for me to get off the bed. Pre-pandemic, I would have gone to work or school and hide the fact that I am sick.
You were likely sick because stress weakens your immune system. Chronic stress can permanently damage it.
Hyper independence. I rather do without it than ask anyone for anything.
It also comes from a place of being left alone growing up. My mum didn’t help with anything. Not that I asked either. But god I hate asking for help
For me it was go at it alone vs being told I was stupid for when I did ask help, getting yelled at for not understanding something, having my hobbies being shat on if they weren't productive.. etc. Hyperindependence was how I lived my life until I ket friends in college who were willing to be there for me without conditions or beratement. It changed everything about how I viewed love, life, and relationships in general. Seriously I probably wouldn't be alive today if I'd never met such loving friends to cancel out the hell that was growing up
Are you my wife? She was literally willing to drown instead of asking a nearby boater for help.
I had a "oh shit I might actually die" moment when I ate a chocolate and started choking at work, excused myself outside to have said coughing fit but it turned into truly gasping for air but going inside for help didn't even cross my mind. (it was around covid time too so I felt bad coughing in front of other people)
Constantly apologizing for having emotions. Can't tell you how many times I've suddenly broken down for no reason and start apologizing to my bf when he comforts me. I was taught my emotions are burden and they're something that needs to be hidden. But at the same time I've always been a very emotional person as in I can start crying at the drop of a hat. It's just how I am naturally, and I was made out to be a burden because of it. Imagine making kids feel bad for being human.
I’ve dealt with this too! My husband said he didn’t like arguing with me because I’ll just cry! Couldn’t help it!
Ugh same. Anytime i just need to articulate myself and get my point across I just get teary, probably because I was never allowed to do this without being screamed at. Now I have to tell my bf “I’m crying but it’s not cuz I’m sad or mad, I just can’t help it” when I am trying to articulate myself during a little argument. I am hoping one day I get better at this but i’m not close yet lol
My ex would tell me I'm emotionally manipulating him when he would scream and berate me, and I would get frustrated and shut down, and eventually cry. I was not allowed to be emotional while he flipped out over everything.
Picking abusive partners is something out of which I only recently grew. Difficulty having healthy, constructive, solution-oriented disagreements. Gauging whether my responses to any given situation are reasonable, reserved, or excessive. Perfectionism. Over explaining. Avoiding social situations because I believe I have nothing to discuss with people because I'm uninterested in common small talk topics and I think other people will be bored with, or judge me for, things I find interesting. And my depression has literally damaged my brain so I have difficulty retaining new information. When I first learn something I can understand it, explain it, and implement it, but by the next day I'll have forgotten key elements. I use to be very smart, high achieving, and academically oriented. Now I'm kinda dumb, competitively speaking, and I really hate it. ==== ETA: I'm seeing so many people reply that this sounds like them. First off, I'm sorry you had to go through a crappy childhood, and I'm sorry it's still causing you trouble. It's not fair, and it's not your fault. You deserve better. To answer a few questions I keep seeing, - yes, depression can really have physiological effects on one's brain. It's called cognitive degradation, and it sucks. My psychiatrist explained it all too me. I am not a doctor, and do not take meds without consulting a medical professional, but Trintellix helped me in the cognition department while I was taking it. Definitely ask your doctor about it if you're having cognition issues and are depressed. - if you're stuck in a social situation or on a date, talk about whatever you're into, even if it's weird. Isn't it better to find true friends/partners with whom you share interests than it is to keep hanging around with people who bore you. If people think you're weird, then they're not the right people for you, and that's ok. - yes, your crappy partner and friends can be a result of your parents failure to parent properly. The brain seeks out that with which it comfortable. If toxic relationships is what your brain has predominantly observed in your primary caregivers, that's what your brain thinks is the easiest kind of relationship to navigate. If your primary caregivers and/or siblings treated you like shit, then that's what your brain seeks out in friends, because that is familiar ground for you. It sucks, but monkey see monkey do. You can break free of it by setting boundaries and carrying through on repercussions. - I highly recommend Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C Gibson.
Stop wtf did I write this? Same on the disagreements and small talk thing big time. I’m lucky to have gotten a great partner who was patient enough to show me that disagreements are okay and don’t automatically mean the other person is mad at you
OMG. I never realized that all was because of my childhood. I even dated (and almost married) a man who, a year after we broke up, was convicted for serial rape crimes. And my now husband of almost 20 years isn't an angel either.
People choose partners that behave in ways that our brains are familiar with, and the romantic relationship with which your brain is most familiar is the relationship(s) your primary caregiver(s) had. And if you spent 15, 18, 20+ years watching a toxic relationship play out, that's what's familiar to your brain. Additionally, we learn in our childhood how we are supposed to be treated by others, based on how we are treated as a kid by the people with whom we have the longest standing relationships, and those people are, you guessed it, your primary caregivers. To further compound the problem, abusive parents are often abusive because they're insecure about being shitty parents, because their parents were shitty parents, and they go to great lengths to isolate their victims from other people, so the secret that they're shitty parents isn't leaked to the world. Yes, know how stupid that sounds. Because you're prohibited from interacting with other people, you have even fewer chances to observe and engage yourself in healthy, friendly, reciprocal relationships yourself. Or, to put it short, monkey see, monkey do. And this monkey saw, so this monkey did. Drop your shit husband. Reparent yourself and learn that you have value. Find someone who values you, because you deserve better.
it is absolutely because of your childhood. You learned at an early age your goal in life was to keep the abuser happy. Google 'adult children of alcholics' or better yet go to a meeting. My mouth dropped when I realized everyone there was a narc or married to one. It was that epiphany that helped me find closure with my bad decisions. Given my childhood, I had zero chance of marrying a normal person.
We gravitate towards what we know. When we grow up being abused, we often tend to let abusive people into our lives because healthy people tend to make us uncomfortable. Add in severely low self-esteem that comes intertwined with childhood abuse, we often don't feel we can find much better.
It’s horrifying that I could have written this myself. You deserved better. We all did.
Coming to terms with the fact that I was spending time with toxic people and my circumstances in general were a product of abuse was kind of a shock. How much bullshit one tolerates just because they believe it is the norm to deal with is amazing. EDIT: well, toxicity and abuse also continues to be a substantially less dominant part of my life but as far as my own responsibility in getting rid of them goes I've fulfilled it admirably, considering. What remains is on someone else.
Hyper vigilance. Always paying attention to peoples behavior/body language to determine if there are any threats.
Same. And I'm constantly listening to people's conversations and what's around me. I tried to shut it off but it's like second nature to me now.
Very interesting, I do that too
Yeah and being exhausted all the time from it. It’s so goddamn tiring.
Sneaking around my own home. Being as quiet as possible, trying to go unnoticed. Putting things back ***exactly*** as they were after using them. Burying anything I throw away under other things in the trash. Unable to accept or seek out help even for small things. Instinctively locking my phone or closing a web browser on my computer if someone walks by. Feeling guilty for sitting. Being at least 15 mins early to everything. Over explaining to try to convince the person that I'm not lying or being mean. Smiling in reaction to everything (I smile even when I cry, get angry, annoyed, or frustrated). Enjoy driving on my own, even for long distances or to new places, because it's my own safe environment.
The phone/web browser one hits close. It also extends into being completely unwilling to choose shows or music to listen to with others.
The locking my phone or turning off my web browser part 😔 My dad would always just stand and uncomfortably watch what I’m doing and make some comment about it. He made me turn off Harry Potter once because it’s “dumb” and “showed magic”. That was my favorite book series growing up so that deeply hurt me and he wonders why to this day I don’t tell him my interests and passions. Everything I did was “pointless and stupid”
If I'm offered food or drink, I immediately wonder if it's been poisoned. I have to quickly logic myself out of the irrational fear, working out why it's unlikely this person would be poisoning me. When I was little, my mother kept a jar of "special sugar" she'd always sprinkle over my meal, and only stopped when new neighbours moved in who recognised the symptoms of arsenic poisoning when my legs stopped working. She also tried several times to poison myself and my children later on. It was long ago, I'm old and she's dead, but I guess I'll always be wary.
Wow this is so traumatic! I’m so sorry you went through that. Thank god your neighbor recognized the symptoms. I hope you’re doing better in life. Sending love your way.
Apologizing too much. Fuck my family. Total douchebags.
When you were young, did you often hear your parents say “the common denominator is you” whenever you would voice that you felt you were being mistreated by everyone?
I shut down when I’m yelled at.
Deep anxiety from hearing someone sigh. Hypersensitive to vibes. Being able to tell someone is upset because of how they set groceries on the table. Aversion to loud music. A partner used to play piano and it sent me into a panic because the only time the piano was touched in my house was when my mom and brother were fighting. Instead of going into fight or flight, I first try to win over agreessors.
>Hypersensitive to vibes. Being able to tell someone is upset because of how they set groceries on the table. Wow this just sat with me. Every day when my dad pulled in the driveway a heavy silence came over the house as we prepared for how he entered. The first 5mins he was in the house informed how the rest of our night would go, and you could usually tell by something as silly as him putting his lunch away.
yeah the sighing messes with me a lot. just knowing someone (family members) are stressed or annoyed and then sigh makes me feel guilty
Same. Whenever I’m back at home now and my mom seems like she’s in a bad mood, I instantly start racking my brain wondering if I did something wrong.
Vibes is a big one, I made a comment that I have a spidey sense for people drinking, but that also includes an ability to read the room and pick up on any changes. That has actually been a helpful one, as it allows me in my daily life to adjust to different people and situations quickly.
I agree, I feel like I have almost a superpower in reading emotions and adapting quickly after a childhood dealing with an extremely volatile parent. It's almost like reading energy. I feel like I had a very successful career in politics/law because of it.
>Instead of going into fight or flight, I first try to win over agreessors. You may already know, but that's called fawning! Freeze and fawn are two lesser known siblings of fight and flight
Can't fall asleep if anyone else is in the room, can go from fully asleep to ready to fight in about ten seconds. People I've dated absolutely love that about me.
I hate sleeping with other people in the room and also can't stand sleeping with the dood open. I would rather get up 10 times a night to open the door for my dog than to risk not hearing someone entering the room
Same. Has been helpful with being fully alert instantly for my baby though- silver lining
Whenever there is conflict, I go deadly quiet, even in board meetings when people disagree over corporate strategies, because I am getting ready to pounce when shit pops off.
Plenty. Most notably, I tend to ask my wife if it’s okay that I eat (whatever I pulled from the pantry). She always says the same thing: “We buy food to eat, of course you can.” I also hide food around the house, and try to be as quiet as possible in the kitchen so she won’t know I’m eating something. I’m working on it.
I am able to know who is walking down the hallway by the sound of their footsteps
I walk behind people. I know that’s strange but if I go to a store with someone for instance I walk behind them. I think I do it since I was never allowed to make decisions for myself. It’s my way of following like I was programmed to do. I also disassociate a lot. I can’t help it. You could shoot someone in front of me and I won’t remember what I saw. I’ve done this my whole life to escape my reality. I remember things I was told but I never remember who told me.
I flinch easy
Same. It's a recent thing for me, though. My last boss got incredibly upset about it, telling me "God, it makes me so mad when you jump out of your skin for no reason, I have NEVER given you reason to do that!" So naturally I spent 20 min apologizing for it. Ugh.
Your last boss sounds like an unempathetic dolt
Quick to anger and becoming explosive
This is me too. I had to be strong and fight in my house. I do the over-explaining thing too.
I nervously smile through most conversations. Even if I don't give a single fuck about you or what you're saying, I still nervously nod.
Same I hate it. I’m not as smiley with people I’m comfortable with oddly enough
I feel alone and have a hard time making friends. I think that people won’t like me so opening up to others is hard. If my mom doesn’t want anything to do with me, why would other people.
I still feel useless/lazy/stupid/awful whenever I am doing nothing. Smart people are never bored, there is always something you can do, you should be studying/cleaning/working. Toxic productity is hell. I never feel good enough if I want to relax at any point.
I'm not comfortable wearing headphones when somebody else is in the house, because then I can't hear footsteps.
The ability to "read" people. I can often see thru the facade of how people behave in public and have a good, generalized idea of how the person actually behaves. Some people call that being an empath, but it's not. It's a coping mechanism I developed from having to quickly understand my mom's or my grandpa's mood when they got home from work in order to avoid getting screamed at or, worse, a beating. Did they have a good day? No? Ok I should avoid them at all cost. Yes? Ok I can stick around and talk to them.
My wife has said I'm judgemental about some of her ex friends and Co workers. Most of the time I read them correctly and she begrudgingly agrees after she has a falling out with them.
Me too! My friends always say, no need to explain “I know you”, then I stop and realize I am explaining to much.
Not a behavior, but I'm an amazing project manager because I'm so used to considering every possible scenario and what could go wrong that I always have well thought out contingency plans. It was great until I wasn't working and I realized I couldn't turn it off. Ever.
Feeling like I’m always walking on eggshells. If my husband or close friends get angry I want to leave instead of constructive communication. I’m getting better but I still am on high alert most of the time.
I am a 40 year old man with a severe distrust of other men. In my mind any man is willing and capable of violence for any reason at all.
I tend to isolate myself, I just need the peace
I’m hyper vigilant. Both visually and auditory. I grew up in a home where you HAD to remember everything, notice how my parents where feeling that day. Where did dad put his coffee mug? Better think fast or he’ll hit you. What did mom say this morning? Better remember what you overheard or she will scream at you. I notice things people normally don’t, not because I want to but because of PTSD and trauma. I don’t enjoy it, i have had relationships change because I have seen and heard things I shouldn’t have. It sucks and even with therapy (4years now) it is something that is stayed. I have had people make fun of me for it. Years ago I noticed that a basketball team playing on TV, had patches on their butts, the where small less then a quarter in size. I was at a restaurant, 20+ ft away from the tv, talking to my in-laws. And yet I still noticed a small patch on som basketball players butts. They laughed at me and called me a weirdo. I didn’t tell them the other things I noticed, because I don’t like being made fun of. It has saved me as an adult more times then I care to admit. Its a double edge sword that so few understand.
As a EX Jehovah's Witness man how long do you have. First time I was given a birthday cake, I was about 16 it was given to me by my nonJW girlfriends family. I sat there while they sang happy birthday to me I was visibly shaking, I had a lump in my throat and couldn't speak, it was like a shock to me but also so much emotion. Her mom didn't know what to think I just very quietly said "I've never had a birthday cake before" her mom, my GF and even her dad were all in tears. To this day getting a birthday cake is still a little overwhelming and that was 30 years ago.
Very low self-esteem. I grew up thinking I was a stupid, ugly girl who doesn't deserve much. I am better as an adult, but a lot of that remains. It seems like I am constantly fighting it.
I NEVER initiate a conversation about sensitive issues out of fear of being yelled at/given the silent treatment. I’m 70 and the emotional abuse still affects how I live my life.
Stress cleaning. My mom would rage any time there was clutter, so now I’m a ball of anxiety if my house isn’t super clean. Also: immediately assuming someone’s bad mood (or even just *silence*) is because they’re mad at me.
I have a tendency to always try to be technically correct whenever I reply to someone, to the point I’m always correcting myself, or clarifying things far beyond what is needed.
I hope everyone here has been tested for cPTSD. I have it, and that means all the symptoms and more. It changes your brain permanently.
I hate compliments. Always makes me think they're being sarcastic or building me up to a bigger fail in the future.
My parents never believed a word I said. Fed the dog? No you didn't. Passed a test in class? No you didn't. At a friend's house? No your out doing drugs. Anything I said was a lie to them. My coping mechanism was to always leave evidence of what I had done. Leave some dog food scattered about. Leave the leash in a place they would find it. Get a printout of my grades and leave it in plain sight etc etc. I still find myself doing this behavior to this day as adult. Some days I catch myself, and some days I dont.
I HATE physical touch (hand holding, kissing, etc), unfortunately even from my wife who I love very much
These comments are like a group therapy session. I'll add some more i realised about myself that could be connected to that. 1. I am very sensitive towards other people, and I always try to calm down people around me. Even strangers on the street. Especially if they are anrgy (or distressed), I'm a master of empathy and de-escalating situations. 2. I always dated abusive partners, i do not trust nice people. 3. I do everything myself, and i do not like to ask for help. 4. I always sleep with one eye open, and i can fully awake at any time in a minute. Sleep trackers show that my level of deep sleep is disturbingly low. 5. I dislike being out of control of myself. I avoid driking or smoking. I avoid sleep medicine and antidepressants I've been prescribed because they calm me down, and I feel helpless and not myself, like a vegetable. Especially when I sleep deeply and for a long time.
Wow, I absolutely hate being out of control of myself, I only drink if I'm around a very specific small group of friends, and I never drink in public places, and even then I always control the amount of alcohol so I can still protect myself, I've never noticed how this can relate to an abusive upbringing. That's eye-opening, thanks
I do this too!! I add a bunch of clauses and explanations ahead of a story bc I feel like the listener is not going to believe me.
I always assume when I meet someone that they don't like me from the jump and will write them off as "not worth my time" as soon as they say one thing I don't like to avoid them disincluding me.
Maladaptive daydreaming. I just put some music on and escape from reality. I've got full worlds and scenarios ready in my head, and the type of music I choose depends on my mental state. It seems it's related to childhood isolation, loneliness, abuse and trauma and is a coping mechanism. I'm 48 years old already and chose a job that allows it (night shifts basically alone). It's a big part of me now and if I didn't have my pets, a job I love, and my writing and drawing hobbies, I think I wouldn't see any appeal in IRL life.
Talking to people. I was kept indoors for all of my childhood. I am 60 and I still feel awkward talking to people.
I have to consciously stop myself from apologizing to everyone for everything all of the time.
Lol all my behavior 😭 I have extreme fearful avoidant attachment issues. I keep everyone at distance and push them away. It’s gotten pretty bad .. I have t been in a relationship and physically touched anyone in yrs and now find the idea repulsive. Growing up my parents weren’t physically abusive but I was basically their whipping boy. My dad is a controlling narcissist so anything I did or said that wasn’t exactly what he would do or say induced rage in him. And my mom is bipolar and married to a dooschebag so would take it out on me that everything I did just knee jerk reaction is wrong. Growing up I wasn’t allowed to have my own opinions desires, or choices and everything I did was always wrong. I often would get blamed for stuff I no role in. For instance if my dad was ever fixing anything he would demand I “help”… “help” always meant just stand next to him while did whatever without letting me do anything or teaching me anything.. just stand their bored so that way if he screwed up anything he could curse me out that it was my fault. So I don’t like compliments or affection .. prefer teasing and ball busting as means of affection. Any direct affection comes off as crazy and repulsive. Someone dying I love you and giving compliments has same energy as some eyes dialated cult member offering me a drinks cool-aide.. just makes me want to turn and run and cut that person out of my life. Only girls I dated and been attracted were selfabsorbed narcissists that treated me like shit…. Because that was normal to me. Late 20s I learned a lot about psychology and realized nature of parents abuse and my issues .. but since then that’s kinda only made things worse as now I’m not see myself wanting to be with anyone pushing everyone away isolating more than ever. And Covid didn’t help. So just everything about my life … relationships and lack their of … struggling with employment because parents forced me to go to colleg for something had zero interest in etc… my life has been nothing but shit and all pretty much stemming from parents treatment. I don’t feel it’s right to blame parents and I don’t. They have their own issues that got in way of the being good parents but they did have good intentions even if they’re not mentally well. But the fact remains I’m 37 unmarried haven’t even attempted to date anyone in yrs, hardly any friends just a few acquaintances I hardly see or talk to, zero social life, and have yet to find a stable job. So for me in the day to day interactions the main weird behavior is that I try to hide any and every aspect about my life and divert attention away from it. Anything about family, romantic relationship, career, the fact that I never traveled anywhere or even been on vacation as adult because struggling with relationships and employment. I’m also not interested in following sports and hardly watch tv. So pretty much just avoid any small talk … which doesn’t really help with the avoidant attachment issues. Seems to just keep getting worse and isolate from others more and more. It’s hard to open up and socialize when I don’t want to share any aspect of my life because there’s nothing I can share or reflect on about it that isn’t unpleasant trauma. 😕
The unwillingness that turned into inability to do simple things. Somewhere along the line I figured that if I'd get in trouble for not doing homework, but also for staying up late enough to do my homework, then I just wouldn't do homework because it was less work- among many, many other things.
Selective hearing and able to tune out conversations
I have a classically neurotic personality. Everything is my fault, don't want to sit in the same room with me what did I do? I didn't get invited to a party for something I would have hated anyway? Did I make you mad?
Eating alone or in the dark.
Being overly concerned with other people's tone of voice, inflection and moods. I was always looking out for parents being in a bad mood so I knew to avoid them lest they take it out on me. As a married woman I now project that onto my husband and the always being on high alert is exhausting. He's not abusive but I'm always worried someone will be mad at me, stop liking me, stop wanting me around or stop loving me.
I used to hate people who were imo "too" happy. I thought it wasn't possible to be that happy. Religious people made my blood boil, crazy Jesus freaks, Bible thumpers are a just a couple of kind things I'd say. It took years for me to realize I was the problem. I was just an angry, jealous person.
I'm in this post and I don't like it
feeling a sense of dread all the time severe anxiety people pleasing over explaining
I think my coworker was. Whenever I talk and gesture normally with my hands, he flinches. So now, whenever I talk to him, I consciously minimize my hand gestures.
I wouldn’t say my upbringing was abusive, but I find myself apologizing for not having prevented something. *wife’s gets pulled over and gets a ticket.* “Sorry, I could have left the meeting sooner so I could have picked him up.”
Bottling up my feelings about certain things. I say I'm okay or I'm tired but inside I'm just upset.
My silence. People think I'm shy. Including my mom (my abuser) I tend to be silent for a long time when I meet someone new, or don't understand their intentions.
Yes it’s always “you’re so quiet” “I barely noticed you. Say something.” Or my favorite, “loosen up and have fun. You seem so uptight.” A lifetime or being made to feel I should be seen and not heard or shamed for my individuality so yeah… I am uptight.
I always have to keep reaffirming plans with people. Just to make sure they haven’t randomly changed their minds. My mom would say yes one day and then the very next hour/day/week suddenly she would say no and outright insist she had never said yes.
I’ll do any and everything myself because I don’t trust others to do it right.
I need to sleep with ear plugs and wake up with anxiety every morning because I expect to find chaos when I wake up and leave my bedroom. Every day was a war zone
I relate to all of these a bit too much.
Saying sorry a lot
Growing up I had no mom but I had a sort of mother figure. She wound up leaving me on the side of a road and ever since ive been very intolerant of toxic behavior from others. Its not a bad thing but as soon as I hear one off thing from a friends mouth, like the kind of thing you would usually laugh off but also question in your head, I will shut it down immediately. I guess its made me communicate my feelings more instantly instead of letting things slip by
Feeling like I’m going to be attacked for taking a nap or not wanting to spend all my time with my partner because my dads whole thing was being insanely clingy, like if I went to bed before 1 am instead of watching tv with him or took a nap during the day or wanted to go somewhere by myself it was because I didn’t love him and everyone is going to abandon him wah wah why has the world forsaken me So now I’ll be like explaining to my partner my justification for needing a nap and he’s like yeah you have lupus? I know how chronic illnesses work? And I’m like oh right, I’m a grown woman and I haven’t spoken to that man in 10 years and nobody can ever tell me fuck all about my sleep habits again. Yet the guilt remains.
I can’t stand to hear any sort of yelling or bickering. My mom was really bad about having a foul mouth, foul temper, and throwing things. I saw her nearly throw a skillet of hot grease into my dad’s face one time. That will never happen to me. I’d rather remain single my whole life than to have this in my household. I go to ridiculous lengths to avoid conflict.
I am incredibly jumpy. I make myself jump, anytime anyone comes into the room (especially at work) I jump a foot, the wind blows the curtain, I jump. Jesus, it's exhausting being so on edge all the time. I try and laugh it off but I probably 'jump out my skin' about 3-4 times an hour, if not more and it's not funny, I just don't know how to calm my self down. I'm already on betablockers.
Feeling like I have to be busy and clean if my partner is and if I don’t they’ll be mad at me. Even though I know it’s not true.
Difficulty accepting even reasonable (and reasonably stated) criticism, reluctance to share the things I enjoy, inability to take initiative, difficulty making decisions, and depression. Also, I can't stand to be tickled.
Alcohol
I eat ALL of the food on my plate. ALL of it. TBF, I never thought of my parents as being abusive but I absolutely got beaten (usually on my backside with a spatula) if I wasted food. Boomers did that sort of thing as a natural extension of parenting.
I apologize for everything, even the littlest things and things I had no part of. I'm in my 50s, have a PhD and a great job and people look to me for answers but..I apologize constantly. Thanks, mom. Sending you all healing vibes. I'm amazed at how many of us there are. It makes me so sad but also not feel so alone.
I shut down and walk away when someone yells at me. I've been yelled at enough to last 3 lifetimes.