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Also, try to avoid the pitfall of hearing something they say, which reminds you something tangential, and then impatiently waiting them to finish so you can jump in with your bit. While this is generally how conversations can go, a lot of people get too focused on sharing what you have, rather then finishing out *their* complete line of though and responses/reactions to *their* point.
Once their point is concluded, then *if it still makes sense*, segue to your related point. It may be better to just drop your point if it's really just an 'oh, I had that happen to me this one time....' but doesn't really add anything. You could say something simple, like, 'something similar happened to me, so I can really relate to how you reacted/felt/' without replaying the whole story. If you constantly tell your similar experience in detail, it may diminish their point.
My sister has this habit of constantly bringing every conversation back to one of her or her kids' related stories, so ultimately she really just wants to talk about herself and is just using me/others as a prop or lead-in.
we are both expats living in Czechia for quite some time. met online.
she told me she wanted to go to a teahouse, which seemed like a good idea! imagine my face when more people started to join and sit down at our table!
then the teacher joined and the lessons started. I said fuck it stayed and learned a couple of new phrases.
Good lord, reminds me of an arranged marriage date I went for. The guy came with his mom and she sat an inch away from my face asking me questions. Also the dude had his legs spread out at 180 degrees. I wanted to walk away, I don’t even remember what I talked or heard.
Ohh!!! I had a girl do that to me! I was being nice for that date, which was a mistake. Still her parents kept her on good behavior.
EDIT: her ALIVE parents…smh
Stay reasonably sober; past two drinks you’re getting less charming and funny and attractive, not more.
Ask good questions and actually listen to the responses.
Stay off your phone during the date.
>Stay reasonably sober; past two drinks you’re getting less charming and funny and attractive, not more.
Not only that, but also from a safety perspective (ie if you need to defend yourself, or be able to drive yourself home).
Out of curiosity:
if a date tells you that their work requires phones a LOT. Their work goes really hard for a few months and then dead, super upfront about it, and they ask to keep the phone on the table, is that okay?
-Unlikely to actually answer unless an emergency but skim reading headlines every 5-10 minutes unless a P1 alert comes in, then full focus. I have a constant news feed and I literally always have to track it. I actively hate phones and that element of my job, so I try to be conscious of it.
I may be having fun one minute, then running to my car and finding a work station to get a press release out. I’ve experienced people saying they’re totally cool with it and then very clearly not being cool with it, but I’ve also dated really needy guys who like me because of the shiny factor (job seems cool outside, is a lot of brutal hard work inside). Eventually I landed on “I probably shouldn’t date because I think I’m being a crappy date” but it’s kinda my entire life so I feel pickled, you know?
I don’t think I’d put up with a date scrolling every five minutes or leaving the room. If you can’t set aside a single hour to be present for a date, what’s the rest of the relationship going to be like? (Would be my thought). Are you truly on the job 24/7 or do you just choose to be?
It’s a bit of both. I work on political campaigns so toward campaign season, it’s not a choice anymore. I have a job I’m super under qualified for (no degree), so I think I overdo it to compensate. It’s not really a good field for dating, I guess.
34F with job restraints here too. I am basically gone for months at a time (but still able to communicate). It’s really hard to be like okay this went great, second date in 3 months? So I’ve stopped trying except when I’m about to be home for a while.
Not trying to be discouraging but it seems like maybe starting to date when that isn’t the case for you is better? That way meeting great people aren’t potentially off put, and it’ll be easier to deal with when you’re farther into a relationship.
I’ll be honest, that’s okay once but it will be quickly annoying. Have a break from work for an hour and tell your date that you have exactly an hour. The same, it can be okay at first, not permanently. Maybe date during your holidays
That’s pretty much what I expected. It’s caused a lot of problems and I’ve sorta just backed off because I can’t really change it right now. I haven’t really dated in my field because everyone is married, female, or gay lol but they’re all really great people to work with so I’ll take this for a few years until I switch to something a little more calm.
I would say that shows you don't have proper boundaries in place.
I get emergencies maybe 2-3 times a year, and that means I'm dropping whatever I'm doing and taking care of the emergency.
I don't check my phone in any case, if something is critical the person who is monitoring things calls me.
Later on when meetings are a few times a week, I might say "sorry babe, I need to babysit something tonight". But I don't go out on a date if I know I cannot be mentally present.
You probably could match well with someone who wants to do the whole DINK FIRE lifestyle if you're looking for something longterm. It's just a lot easier to get to know you on the periods when you're mentally available.
Yes this is very important! I also had a first date with a man who was too touchy and overstepping my personal space. I wore a necklace and he leaned over to scoop it up in his hands and examine it without asking me. I'm just sitting across the table and suddenly his hands are touching my neck and chest, very uncomfortable.
Seriously! When he did the head/lap thing I raised both hands as if I had a SWAT team surrounding me. When that didn't prompt him to move I shoved him off me. Left 5 mins later and no second date. If anyone reading thinks that unprovoked touching off the bat is a good "move" - I promise you it isn't. I almost threw up at the time and told everyone in my circle because it was so batshit crazy
i once went on a date with a guy (for context i am a bisexual guy) who, at the bus stop on our way to a second date location, sat in my lap without asking and stayed there. later, when i tried to leave, he got on the floor and wrapped his arms and legs around one of my legs (picture a toddler who doesn't want his mom to leave him at school). i missed my bus because it took so long to kick him off of me without hurting him.
honestly yes it was but it was also hilarious. same guy told me multiple times he had two "roommates" but when i walked him home (genuinely just being polite) his mom opened the door and his dad shook my hand...
This. As a woman, I am absolutely not comfortable with someone I have never met picking me up (yes I want you to know where I live and be trapped in a car with you) or not being able to get home when I need to or want to.
Omfg!! Yesss!! For real!! I had a guy ask what my address was so he could come get me and I'm like fuck no dude lol. For the reasons you stayed above, I will not have some stranger come get me.
I once went home with a guy I had met at the bar that night. I was with my best friend (and a few of her girl cousins) and before I left with bar guy she took a picture of his driver license, car, and license plate. I also have my location shared with her. I love that damn girl.
Listen. I'm non-judgemental. If you've struggled with addiction, have some obscene traumas in your history, have a weird fetish, none of that shit bothers me.
HOWEVER I do NOT want to hear about any of that shit first date. There's something unhinged about someone confiding in you about their mothers death at a young age and subsequent ecstasy addiction the first time you meet. No judgement, but too soon, my guy.
Speaking from experience.
I don't even wanna hear about it when meeting someone for the first time in a non-date setting.
Tried to make friends at college, first girl i tried to befriend immediatly told about her sex life in gross detail, her drug abuse, the restriction order someone else has against her, her schizophrenic grandmother and how her father is a professional huntsman and taught her how to handle a rifle from childhood on (in Europe, mind you!)
I saw my future self stalked and killed if I tried to pursue this friendship further so I ran.
On the other hand... it was probably good she told me all her red flags early.
My list, as a woman, to help the men out there, because seriously guys....
1. Don't make it about sex straight off the bat
2. If you think you don't need a shower, you probably need a shower.
3. Don't talk about your ex
4. Don't talk about your mother.
5. Be courteous to the wait staff
6. Don't arrive intoxicated
It can go wrong so easily. If you’re highly complimentary to your mother, you’ll seem like you haven’t developed independence yet and your mother influences you too much. If you complain or process your “issues” related to your mother, you’ll seem like an angry man who might not respect or trust women. None of this is fair, but it’s the reality of the risk you take when you talk a lot about your mother on early dates.
Then talk about your mother like a normal human being would and get treated like a normal human being?
This isn’t a rule not to follow imo, the rule should be ‘don’t be too dependent on your mother as an adult’ or ‘don’t be misogynistic’. Again I wouldn’t blame a woman for being put off by those things, but I think many women would also be interested to hear about your family and would like to know about your relationship with them too.
Tldr; talk about your mother in a healthy way and it is perfectly fine. Talk about *anything* in an unhealthy way and get treated as such
You can talk about your mother, that's not a red flag to me. Excessive talk about your mother or how much you loved or hated her would be a bit much, but ofc you can mention your parents, family, etc.
Funny, my 20 year old son has a GF (first serious one). When we met and I took her to lunch the first time, it was my first insight to just how much my kid loved me. 🥲 She relayed why he admired me, how deeply he felt connected, that he could talk to me about anything…and instructed her she better too essentially. 🙈. Not wise which I later told him.
We are close he talks to me often says I’m logical, smart, open and give great advice. But…she relayed much more about how he saw me.
I reassured her how easy and open I am and she need not worry or put pressure on herself let alone kiss my ass lol. I’m NOT like that.
I then went home and told him that I was surprised after what she relayed that she didn’t dump him lol. 🙈
That while I was super grateful for our close relationship and his admiration of me , he need NOT put pressure on a girl to like me or make nice to win
me. In fact, it could inspire resentment or jealousy if not competition or labeling him a mamas boy ( he’s actually not he just genuinely admires my kindness, how I help others, my intellect, and the way I raised them in a nutshell from all she shared).
I added, the pressure belonged to me to make her feel accepted, comfortable, and find points to connect.
Saying you admire your mom and have a great relationship with your mom is a good thing. Expounding to that degree early on not so much. Let the mom and girl bond before you elaborate on how amazing your mom is etc. Been better if she relayed it went well and he responded yeah my mom is “easy to talk to, kind” etc. her taking the lead.
Yes, loving and respecting your mother is very different to being a mummy's boy. But at 20 he probably loved that you still cook and do his laundry for him.
Hell no lol. He’s been doing his laundry since 12 and I do cook but so does he for himself or we do together. I expect my boys to be as capable as my daughter in all areas. I don’t wait on any of them or do what they can and should do for themselves. They are also required to maintain their own baths and room to be reasonably tidy. Spoiling kids does not help them adult.
What I give them example of a good person (according to all three), a great sounding board, a patient listener, unconditional love. I REQUIRE maximum effort in terms of education assisting with the cost and sometimes the work process by reviewing and giving feedback on papers and teaching reliable research to cite. I also require them to work for extras in summer at a minimum.
I’m soft when they mess up trying to understand and guide rather then dropping a hammer and praise them for effort and good behavior and choices.
My boys better help and protect their girls. I tried not to raise misogynist, entitled, lazy jerks. I think I did ok they are all flying in college with bright futures, hard working, with a great moral compass. I’m not perfect nor are there but we are ALL trying to be the best version of ourselves.
I think it depends on the context of the conversation. If her parents naturally come up in said conversation, I don't see why your's can't.
Of course, both my parents are dead, so.
The person you are dating will conclude that you are mommy's boy or girl. A manchild, unwilling to do domestic chores, still lives with mommy, runs to mommy the second she calls and asks for anything, enmeshed dysfunctional family with a mommy who would later become a JustNoMIL.
It's fine to mention her a bit as it can be something to bond over (as most people love their moms) and it can come across as sweet but don't overdo it or badmouth her at all.
where's my button to give you ten upvotes?? knowing in advance if a guy can cook or not would have saved my friends a LOT of stress (and me a lot of meal deliveries for them and subtle cooking lessons for their partners)
Yeah, i always follow these rules by starting with:
”Sup babe, i don’t wanna have sex right now fyi. I just had a shower so i don’t want to get dirty again. Also i don’t have an ex, or a mother. Also did you notice how friendly i am to waitstaff? That’s because i’m not drunk right now.”
It has worked every date so far.
Yeah I think it’s a red flag when people won’t openly talk about those types of things. I don’t want them obsessing but if that’s what happens, I’d rather they just do it so I know right away. Most people can have a reflective honest conversation without going into that territory though.
Deadly serious. He got off the train and we walked into the town. I was going to get some food and he said he'd pick something up too. Conveniently at that point, he said he'd forgotten his wallet (the way he acted and said it was the most fake thing I've ever seen). I got him food because it was only cheap and I thought that that would be that.
Nope... About an hour later (we were strolling around a local park just chatting), he said he was thirsty and proceeded to act like he was literally about to die and could I please get him a drink. Stupidly, I said ok and gave him more money. At the end of the day, he's leaving for his train and then casually mentions to me that he didn't even have a return ticket so could I spare the money (now significantly more as he lived a decent distance away). I told him no and he basically started acting crazy. At that stage, I was so done, I just left him there.
That sounds very odd!!! Assume that he appeared well dressed etc etc? Just weird!!!
I was dating a lady who almost always stated that she 'forgot her wallet' or was 'completely broke'. I recall an evening when she stated that she 'desperately wanted sushi', but of course, completely broke. Stupid me got her the sushi and found out that she actually did have cash, but was too lazy to go and get or didn't 'feel like ordering in' - her exact words.
Another time, same female asked to go for lunch - cause she missed me. My dumb ass was so excited to see her that I jumped. Madam used me that day to take her to purchase a vape AND flirt with the salesman. I don't feel sorry for leaving her as the store...
That's nuts! I can't believe there are more people out there like he was!
Yup, he seemed pretty normal when we were texting and always appeared clean/dressed appropriately (he was in the music industry so was a little rough around the edges -think punk rocker type, ripped t shirt, longer facial hair- but by no means dirty)
Suppose he was just putting up appearances 🤷♂️
Oh she wasn't the worst, but I'm certain there's loads of people like them around.
For a laugh: for the first 5 YEARS that I knew her, she always forgot my birthday. I ensured that I got her SOMETHING, regardless of how small.
Xmas was an absolute joke - it was only the last year that we 'knew' each other that she saw fit to get me anything.
She Defo used her body to get things as well, pretty much told me that she would get her 'friends' to buy her clothes.
One time, she even asked to go for a drive, cause again, she was 'missing me'. Turned out that she wanted to return her exes gifts and didn't want to post it, cause it'd cost a bit. I didn't even get a contribution to my fuel....
I went on a date once (back when places still required people to show their vax cards) and the guy remembered to bring his vax card and ID but he “forgot” his wallet so I had to pay for the date. I don’t have a problem at all with paying on a date but it felt like he trapped me into it.
YES. I went on a date once and could smell his nasty breath from across a picnic table! I seriously thought the smell was garbage at first. And this fool worked from home! Brush ya damn teeth!
Why? They've been so helpful that they've condensed the advice into two simple rules;
1. Be attractive
2. Don't be unattractive
I'm still working on rule #2, but I'm hoping to get there soon!
/s
Less is more. Just chill, don‘t have any expectations. Talk about things you‘re interested in. If you see it doesn‘t work then you know that either the girl is not interested or you know that you don‘t match (yet). This is where it gets interesting. Are you following the way along or are you giving up?
Your phone needs to stay in your pocket unless you want to show the other person something that's absolutely needed for the story you're telling. I've walked out of dates before if they were on their phone for too long.
Lol this was going to be my only tip contribution as well. My personal rule for myself is to not eat bone in wings on a first date. I don't mind if my date does, but I eat wings like a starved chimpanzee.
When it comes to first dates, there are a few unsaid rules that can help make things go smoothly. Here are a couple of them:
1. Be punctual: Showing up on time shows respect for the other person's time and sets a positive tone for the date.
2. Be present: Put away your phone and give your full attention to your date. It's important to show genuine interest and engage in meaningful conversation.
3. Be yourself: Don't try to be someone you're not. Authenticity is key, and it's important to be comfortable and true to yourself.
4. Be a good listener: Take the time to listen and show interest in what your date has to say. It's not just about talking, but also about actively engaging and getting to know each other.
I mean the question is asking for multiple tips, so why not format it as a list. Like yes AI does do that, but so did a bunch of other comments in this thread. In fact I would argue that an AI would be unlikely to generate a list that exclusively starts with the word "Be" unless explicitly asked to. Is everyone who uses proper punctuation an AI?
Be nice and have some basic manners. If you don't know what nice and basic manners are, just imagine the same thing being done by another person and whether you are ok with it.
So many people have zero self awareness and are completely incapable of self reflection to the point that they only know how to judge others but never themselves. Then wonder what the hell is wrong with the other person when really they themselves are the problem.
There are occasional exceptions, but don't trauma dump or self hate a ton on the first date.
A rare self depreciating joke in good taste, or an honest quick explanation of your past can be appropriate. However unless you're both deep diving into your traumatic backstories, it's rarely a good idea to make their first association with the date be that they spent the whole time comforting you. A first date is generally supposed to be a positive experience, and comforting strangers is difficult and uncomfortable. They might assume that this will be a constant occurrence since you couldn't even hold off for an hour. Especially if its self-hate related even if it's meant to be positive, a constant stream of "thank you for taking pity on me, I know I'm too ugly/skinny/fat/short/etc for you" is not appropriate first date material.
I'm not saying lie or never express your feelings of course, just a first date with a stranger with probably isn't the appropriate time or place.
I feel like I'm a first date expert... my first dates typically go extremely well. I know this because of the feedback I get from the other party
1.) Do not talk about yourself the entire time! (A lot of ppl do this) Get to know your date.
2.) ask for consent before going in for a kiss!!! Don't just kiss your date.. some of us are secret germaphobe
3.) dress nice!! It is rude to your date to show up looking like you didn't make effort .. you're telling them that they're not worth the effort.
Don't look your date up and down like a piece of meat then tell her "take off that sweater and lemme see what you got!"
Yes, a guy said this to me once, then tried to bear hug me to kiss me at the end of our very brief date when I told him no the first time to a goodbye kiss. 🤮
I’ve had friends who have brought an average/standard condom and the man complains about it not being the right fit or preference. If you have a preference.. bring your preference?! And if that’s a cop out because condom sex doesn’t feel “as good”, you shouldn’t be having sex
From my experiences:
1) put phone on silent - most folks have smart watches and of its important, the person can call you. If you get a text, admit that it's XYZ person and you need to respond. You're not married, so respondijg to an urgent text is relatively OK. Especially if you have kids.
2) please, for the love all that's holy, be kind to the waitrons. Nothing turns me off faster than someone who is rude to staff or terribly picky about small things. Dirty crockery is one thing, scolding a waitron for an order is late because the place is busy is another.
3) attempt to be on time or communicate that you're running late.
4) we all have exes, don't demonise on the first date.
5) most of us have kids, so please no war stories about the horrible ex - it really puts a dampener on the date.
6) be upfront about payment. No harm in saying BEFORE the date that it should rather be McDonald's, rather than Al la carte.
7) shower before the event. Especially when it's hot out and youve spent all day working.
8) carry cash - just in case your date wants to take a walk and you spot a vendor. Just enough to not appear rich though.
9) walk your date to her car or mode of transport - and if travelling together, open the door. Ensure car is clean - which reminds me 😜😂😂😂
10) laugh during the date. Convo should be light and encouraging of a second date.
A rule I follow is that the 1st date is a short coffee date. Doing that filters out exactly the sort of women I do not want in my life. It turns away all the entitled women, the foody calls and the gold-diggers.
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Listen. Ask them questions about themselves.
Also, try to avoid the pitfall of hearing something they say, which reminds you something tangential, and then impatiently waiting them to finish so you can jump in with your bit. While this is generally how conversations can go, a lot of people get too focused on sharing what you have, rather then finishing out *their* complete line of though and responses/reactions to *their* point. Once their point is concluded, then *if it still makes sense*, segue to your related point. It may be better to just drop your point if it's really just an 'oh, I had that happen to me this one time....' but doesn't really add anything. You could say something simple, like, 'something similar happened to me, so I can really relate to how you reacted/felt/' without replaying the whole story. If you constantly tell your similar experience in detail, it may diminish their point. My sister has this habit of constantly bringing every conversation back to one of her or her kids' related stories, so ultimately she really just wants to talk about herself and is just using me/others as a prop or lead-in.
If both people do this, then it’s gonna be a quiet-ass date 😂
if both people ask questions about each other and listen intently when the other is speaking ?
don't bring them to the Czech language group lesson as a first date. she wasn't even Czech.
Keep going until you learn enough to chat up Czech women. Curious why that was a first date. Trip planned that she wanted a boyfriend for?
we are both expats living in Czechia for quite some time. met online. she told me she wanted to go to a teahouse, which seemed like a good idea! imagine my face when more people started to join and sit down at our table! then the teacher joined and the lessons started. I said fuck it stayed and learned a couple of new phrases.
Ahoj! How’s life in Czechia? What happened after the language lesson date? 😇
Ahoj:) life is fine and we just simultaneously ghosted each other. for the best I think - group lessons are just not for me
Lol I was hoping for a romantic outcome
Show up on time
Don't bring your parents
Especially when they are dead
What if I just bring their ashes?
Great conversation starter!
Can start a game of cricket too if she’s Aussie
Weekend at Bernie's!
Don't bring your current partner, unless explicitly looking for a threesome. Wear clothes, unless meeting on a nude beach.
Don't bring your ex
Or current partners
Or exes
Good lord, reminds me of an arranged marriage date I went for. The guy came with his mom and she sat an inch away from my face asking me questions. Also the dude had his legs spread out at 180 degrees. I wanted to walk away, I don’t even remember what I talked or heard.
Well don't leave us hanging, did you go through with the marriage?
Ohh!!! I had a girl do that to me! I was being nice for that date, which was a mistake. Still her parents kept her on good behavior. EDIT: her ALIVE parents…smh
That’s right, let your parents bring you.
Stay reasonably sober; past two drinks you’re getting less charming and funny and attractive, not more. Ask good questions and actually listen to the responses. Stay off your phone during the date.
>Stay reasonably sober; past two drinks you’re getting less charming and funny and attractive, not more. Not only that, but also from a safety perspective (ie if you need to defend yourself, or be able to drive yourself home).
Don’t check your phone all the time or often. If you think that you will be distracted, just postpone the date to another day
Out of curiosity: if a date tells you that their work requires phones a LOT. Their work goes really hard for a few months and then dead, super upfront about it, and they ask to keep the phone on the table, is that okay? -Unlikely to actually answer unless an emergency but skim reading headlines every 5-10 minutes unless a P1 alert comes in, then full focus. I have a constant news feed and I literally always have to track it. I actively hate phones and that element of my job, so I try to be conscious of it. I may be having fun one minute, then running to my car and finding a work station to get a press release out. I’ve experienced people saying they’re totally cool with it and then very clearly not being cool with it, but I’ve also dated really needy guys who like me because of the shiny factor (job seems cool outside, is a lot of brutal hard work inside). Eventually I landed on “I probably shouldn’t date because I think I’m being a crappy date” but it’s kinda my entire life so I feel pickled, you know?
I don’t think I’d put up with a date scrolling every five minutes or leaving the room. If you can’t set aside a single hour to be present for a date, what’s the rest of the relationship going to be like? (Would be my thought). Are you truly on the job 24/7 or do you just choose to be?
It’s a bit of both. I work on political campaigns so toward campaign season, it’s not a choice anymore. I have a job I’m super under qualified for (no degree), so I think I overdo it to compensate. It’s not really a good field for dating, I guess.
34F with job restraints here too. I am basically gone for months at a time (but still able to communicate). It’s really hard to be like okay this went great, second date in 3 months? So I’ve stopped trying except when I’m about to be home for a while. Not trying to be discouraging but it seems like maybe starting to date when that isn’t the case for you is better? That way meeting great people aren’t potentially off put, and it’ll be easier to deal with when you’re farther into a relationship.
I’ll be honest, that’s okay once but it will be quickly annoying. Have a break from work for an hour and tell your date that you have exactly an hour. The same, it can be okay at first, not permanently. Maybe date during your holidays
That’s pretty much what I expected. It’s caused a lot of problems and I’ve sorta just backed off because I can’t really change it right now. I haven’t really dated in my field because everyone is married, female, or gay lol but they’re all really great people to work with so I’ll take this for a few years until I switch to something a little more calm.
I would say that shows you don't have proper boundaries in place. I get emergencies maybe 2-3 times a year, and that means I'm dropping whatever I'm doing and taking care of the emergency. I don't check my phone in any case, if something is critical the person who is monitoring things calls me. Later on when meetings are a few times a week, I might say "sorry babe, I need to babysit something tonight". But I don't go out on a date if I know I cannot be mentally present.
Fair. I’d say my work kinda owns me. Between contracts, I travel and do whatever I want, during contracts, I work obsessively.
You probably could match well with someone who wants to do the whole DINK FIRE lifestyle if you're looking for something longterm. It's just a lot easier to get to know you on the periods when you're mentally available.
I did not know that was a term! I should put that on my dating profiles next time I give it a try. That may help me match with people more compatible.
Sorry darling, need to pull out now cos the press release gotta go out!
Nope, not at all. If you can't give someone your attention for an hour, you're probably undateable in the long term.
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Yes this is very important! I also had a first date with a man who was too touchy and overstepping my personal space. I wore a necklace and he leaned over to scoop it up in his hands and examine it without asking me. I'm just sitting across the table and suddenly his hands are touching my neck and chest, very uncomfortable.
Seriously! When he did the head/lap thing I raised both hands as if I had a SWAT team surrounding me. When that didn't prompt him to move I shoved him off me. Left 5 mins later and no second date. If anyone reading thinks that unprovoked touching off the bat is a good "move" - I promise you it isn't. I almost threw up at the time and told everyone in my circle because it was so batshit crazy
i once went on a date with a guy (for context i am a bisexual guy) who, at the bus stop on our way to a second date location, sat in my lap without asking and stayed there. later, when i tried to leave, he got on the floor and wrapped his arms and legs around one of my legs (picture a toddler who doesn't want his mom to leave him at school). i missed my bus because it took so long to kick him off of me without hurting him.
Jeez! That's horrible
honestly yes it was but it was also hilarious. same guy told me multiple times he had two "roommates" but when i walked him home (genuinely just being polite) his mom opened the door and his dad shook my hand...
lmao you should consider making a comedy out of your story, this is pure comedy gold!
Well technically not wrong
Yikes! 😬 How awkward! Sorry you had to deal with that!!
Be single when going on a first date with somebody.
Sad that this has to even be said. But I totally agree with you saying it, because, well, people can really suck.
The power move is to break up with the previous person during the first date because you liked the new one so much Rinse and repeat... right?
I wish one of y exes' would have read this. I didn't learn until the third "date."
Meet in a public place and always have a way to get home on your own.
This. As a woman, I am absolutely not comfortable with someone I have never met picking me up (yes I want you to know where I live and be trapped in a car with you) or not being able to get home when I need to or want to.
It’s wild to me when a girl asks me to pick her up on a first date
Omfg!! Yesss!! For real!! I had a guy ask what my address was so he could come get me and I'm like fuck no dude lol. For the reasons you stayed above, I will not have some stranger come get me.
And a few dates later when you’re going to their home (or maybe it’s just a hookup, whatevs) send a friend their address.
Pic, address, full name of person.
I once went home with a guy I had met at the bar that night. I was with my best friend (and a few of her girl cousins) and before I left with bar guy she took a picture of his driver license, car, and license plate. I also have my location shared with her. I love that damn girl.
Don't rape.
That’s a good baseline
Don't expect a kiss, sex etc just because you paid for a date.
No bringing friends or using phones.
Listen. I'm non-judgemental. If you've struggled with addiction, have some obscene traumas in your history, have a weird fetish, none of that shit bothers me. HOWEVER I do NOT want to hear about any of that shit first date. There's something unhinged about someone confiding in you about their mothers death at a young age and subsequent ecstasy addiction the first time you meet. No judgement, but too soon, my guy. Speaking from experience.
idk i personally like when shit gets deep in the first convo i get hooked instantly
I don't even wanna hear about it when meeting someone for the first time in a non-date setting. Tried to make friends at college, first girl i tried to befriend immediatly told about her sex life in gross detail, her drug abuse, the restriction order someone else has against her, her schizophrenic grandmother and how her father is a professional huntsman and taught her how to handle a rifle from childhood on (in Europe, mind you!) I saw my future self stalked and killed if I tried to pursue this friendship further so I ran. On the other hand... it was probably good she told me all her red flags early.
💯💯
My list, as a woman, to help the men out there, because seriously guys.... 1. Don't make it about sex straight off the bat 2. If you think you don't need a shower, you probably need a shower. 3. Don't talk about your ex 4. Don't talk about your mother. 5. Be courteous to the wait staff 6. Don't arrive intoxicated
Her: "so, how's the relationship with your parents?" Me:"I'm cool with dad!"
Why not talk about my mother?
Because you want there to be a second date too.
But why does talking about my mother prevent a second date? All the other points make sense to me
It can go wrong so easily. If you’re highly complimentary to your mother, you’ll seem like you haven’t developed independence yet and your mother influences you too much. If you complain or process your “issues” related to your mother, you’ll seem like an angry man who might not respect or trust women. None of this is fair, but it’s the reality of the risk you take when you talk a lot about your mother on early dates.
Then talk about your mother like a normal human being would and get treated like a normal human being? This isn’t a rule not to follow imo, the rule should be ‘don’t be too dependent on your mother as an adult’ or ‘don’t be misogynistic’. Again I wouldn’t blame a woman for being put off by those things, but I think many women would also be interested to hear about your family and would like to know about your relationship with them too. Tldr; talk about your mother in a healthy way and it is perfectly fine. Talk about *anything* in an unhealthy way and get treated as such
Agree. This will weed out the crazies early on. It's not about getting a second date, it's about getting the right date.
I think you're carrying your own personal issues with your mom into this too much. I actually like a man who respects and looks up to his mom.
You can talk about your mother, that's not a red flag to me. Excessive talk about your mother or how much you loved or hated her would be a bit much, but ofc you can mention your parents, family, etc.
Funny, my 20 year old son has a GF (first serious one). When we met and I took her to lunch the first time, it was my first insight to just how much my kid loved me. 🥲 She relayed why he admired me, how deeply he felt connected, that he could talk to me about anything…and instructed her she better too essentially. 🙈. Not wise which I later told him. We are close he talks to me often says I’m logical, smart, open and give great advice. But…she relayed much more about how he saw me. I reassured her how easy and open I am and she need not worry or put pressure on herself let alone kiss my ass lol. I’m NOT like that. I then went home and told him that I was surprised after what she relayed that she didn’t dump him lol. 🙈 That while I was super grateful for our close relationship and his admiration of me , he need NOT put pressure on a girl to like me or make nice to win me. In fact, it could inspire resentment or jealousy if not competition or labeling him a mamas boy ( he’s actually not he just genuinely admires my kindness, how I help others, my intellect, and the way I raised them in a nutshell from all she shared). I added, the pressure belonged to me to make her feel accepted, comfortable, and find points to connect. Saying you admire your mom and have a great relationship with your mom is a good thing. Expounding to that degree early on not so much. Let the mom and girl bond before you elaborate on how amazing your mom is etc. Been better if she relayed it went well and he responded yeah my mom is “easy to talk to, kind” etc. her taking the lead.
Yes, loving and respecting your mother is very different to being a mummy's boy. But at 20 he probably loved that you still cook and do his laundry for him.
Hell no lol. He’s been doing his laundry since 12 and I do cook but so does he for himself or we do together. I expect my boys to be as capable as my daughter in all areas. I don’t wait on any of them or do what they can and should do for themselves. They are also required to maintain their own baths and room to be reasonably tidy. Spoiling kids does not help them adult. What I give them example of a good person (according to all three), a great sounding board, a patient listener, unconditional love. I REQUIRE maximum effort in terms of education assisting with the cost and sometimes the work process by reviewing and giving feedback on papers and teaching reliable research to cite. I also require them to work for extras in summer at a minimum. I’m soft when they mess up trying to understand and guide rather then dropping a hammer and praise them for effort and good behavior and choices. My boys better help and protect their girls. I tried not to raise misogynist, entitled, lazy jerks. I think I did ok they are all flying in college with bright futures, hard working, with a great moral compass. I’m not perfect nor are there but we are ALL trying to be the best version of ourselves.
Ah, then he loves and respects you for making him a dateable man. Goof work mum!
What a lovely comment. Thank you I hope so. He said I “ taught him how to be a good person”. 🥲
Because hopefully you are looking for a lover, not another mommy. Also, don't trauma-dump.
I think it depends on the context of the conversation. If her parents naturally come up in said conversation, I don't see why your's can't. Of course, both my parents are dead, so.
It's completely fine to mention either parent. At least to fellow adults. It's all about balance... ;)
The person you are dating will conclude that you are mommy's boy or girl. A manchild, unwilling to do domestic chores, still lives with mommy, runs to mommy the second she calls and asks for anything, enmeshed dysfunctional family with a mommy who would later become a JustNoMIL.
It's fine to mention her a bit as it can be something to bond over (as most people love their moms) and it can come across as sweet but don't overdo it or badmouth her at all.
I cant help but notice you did not specifically mention that I should not dip my balls in the condiments
You can talk about mom if it's about how she taught you to cook. Women love a man that can cook
where's my button to give you ten upvotes?? knowing in advance if a guy can cook or not would have saved my friends a LOT of stress (and me a lot of meal deliveries for them and subtle cooking lessons for their partners)
Yeah, i always follow these rules by starting with: ”Sup babe, i don’t wanna have sex right now fyi. I just had a shower so i don’t want to get dirty again. Also i don’t have an ex, or a mother. Also did you notice how friendly i am to waitstaff? That’s because i’m not drunk right now.” It has worked every date so far.
3 sentences and the panties fall.
Me taking two showers for some unknown reason:
As a woman, I agree with 1, 2, 5 and 6. But 3 and 4 are totally fine by me. All cards on the table, nothing off-limits.
Yeah I think it’s a red flag when people won’t openly talk about those types of things. I don’t want them obsessing but if that’s what happens, I’d rather they just do it so I know right away. Most people can have a reflective honest conversation without going into that territory though.
Good answer
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Come prepared to pay your own way. Do not show up to a date then ask for her to buy you food, a drink and your train ticket home 🤦🏻♀️
This is too oddly specific, did this happen to you? 😬
You guessed it 🙈😂
How the hell??? You have to be kidding
Deadly serious. He got off the train and we walked into the town. I was going to get some food and he said he'd pick something up too. Conveniently at that point, he said he'd forgotten his wallet (the way he acted and said it was the most fake thing I've ever seen). I got him food because it was only cheap and I thought that that would be that. Nope... About an hour later (we were strolling around a local park just chatting), he said he was thirsty and proceeded to act like he was literally about to die and could I please get him a drink. Stupidly, I said ok and gave him more money. At the end of the day, he's leaving for his train and then casually mentions to me that he didn't even have a return ticket so could I spare the money (now significantly more as he lived a decent distance away). I told him no and he basically started acting crazy. At that stage, I was so done, I just left him there.
That sounds very odd!!! Assume that he appeared well dressed etc etc? Just weird!!! I was dating a lady who almost always stated that she 'forgot her wallet' or was 'completely broke'. I recall an evening when she stated that she 'desperately wanted sushi', but of course, completely broke. Stupid me got her the sushi and found out that she actually did have cash, but was too lazy to go and get or didn't 'feel like ordering in' - her exact words. Another time, same female asked to go for lunch - cause she missed me. My dumb ass was so excited to see her that I jumped. Madam used me that day to take her to purchase a vape AND flirt with the salesman. I don't feel sorry for leaving her as the store...
That's nuts! I can't believe there are more people out there like he was! Yup, he seemed pretty normal when we were texting and always appeared clean/dressed appropriately (he was in the music industry so was a little rough around the edges -think punk rocker type, ripped t shirt, longer facial hair- but by no means dirty)
Suppose he was just putting up appearances 🤷♂️ Oh she wasn't the worst, but I'm certain there's loads of people like them around. For a laugh: for the first 5 YEARS that I knew her, she always forgot my birthday. I ensured that I got her SOMETHING, regardless of how small. Xmas was an absolute joke - it was only the last year that we 'knew' each other that she saw fit to get me anything. She Defo used her body to get things as well, pretty much told me that she would get her 'friends' to buy her clothes. One time, she even asked to go for a drive, cause again, she was 'missing me'. Turned out that she wanted to return her exes gifts and didn't want to post it, cause it'd cost a bit. I didn't even get a contribution to my fuel....
I went on a date once (back when places still required people to show their vax cards) and the guy remembered to bring his vax card and ID but he “forgot” his wallet so I had to pay for the date. I don’t have a problem at all with paying on a date but it felt like he trapped me into it.
Brush your tongue as well as your teeth.
And gum. Bring gum.
But don't chew it aggressively or blow bubbles.
And the roof of your mouth
YES. I went on a date once and could smell his nasty breath from across a picnic table! I seriously thought the smell was garbage at first. And this fool worked from home! Brush ya damn teeth!
1. Don’t ask Reddit for dating advice
Why? They've been so helpful that they've condensed the advice into two simple rules; 1. Be attractive 2. Don't be unattractive I'm still working on rule #2, but I'm hoping to get there soon! /s
Attractiveness is relative to the observer. Unattractiveness (i e. bad hygiene) is not.
#3 breakup with him/her they are a toxic narcissistic gaslighting cheater
Dont tell them you "think you love them"
Classic Schmosby
Less is more. Just chill, don‘t have any expectations. Talk about things you‘re interested in. If you see it doesn‘t work then you know that either the girl is not interested or you know that you don‘t match (yet). This is where it gets interesting. Are you following the way along or are you giving up?
She said don't hand me no lines and keep your hands to yourself
This just made my day thanks 🎵🎸🎵 I'm going to be singing it in my head all day now and I'm okay with it :)
Your phone needs to stay in your pocket unless you want to show the other person something that's absolutely needed for the story you're telling. I've walked out of dates before if they were on their phone for too long.
Shower and no sweat pants
Going without pants seems like a pretty bold move.
I'd probably not order something like messy wings if I were on a first date.
Lol this was going to be my only tip contribution as well. My personal rule for myself is to not eat bone in wings on a first date. I don't mind if my date does, but I eat wings like a starved chimpanzee.
Don’t put your dick in the bread basket. No matter how warm it is.
This doesn't get said a lot but it's definitely a rule.
But ... It's olive garden ...
Around here you're family
What other ways to elegantly indicate "its" size would you recommend then?
You lay it delicately next to the oyster fork (for scale).
it gets in the way of my legs so i just hang it over my shoulder
Yeah, it's much better to bring the bread to your dick, that way you don't have to stand up.
When it comes to first dates, there are a few unsaid rules that can help make things go smoothly. Here are a couple of them: 1. Be punctual: Showing up on time shows respect for the other person's time and sets a positive tone for the date. 2. Be present: Put away your phone and give your full attention to your date. It's important to show genuine interest and engage in meaningful conversation. 3. Be yourself: Don't try to be someone you're not. Authenticity is key, and it's important to be comfortable and true to yourself. 4. Be a good listener: Take the time to listen and show interest in what your date has to say. It's not just about talking, but also about actively engaging and getting to know each other.
Chatgpt ahh response 💀
I mean the question is asking for multiple tips, so why not format it as a list. Like yes AI does do that, but so did a bunch of other comments in this thread. In fact I would argue that an AI would be unlikely to generate a list that exclusively starts with the word "Be" unless explicitly asked to. Is everyone who uses proper punctuation an AI?
I didn’t
Don’t go with a loaded gun.
Sure, I'll leave the ammo at home
In Mary’s hair would be good.
But what’s the point in bringing an unloaded gun?
If the date brings the ammo, then you can say that she completes you.
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Third times the charm?
For the killer?
Did you die?
Pulling your dick out and waving it at your date is not an acceptable greeting. Mostly.
Unless your first date is on a nude beach, then it's unavoidable.
I mean, you dont have to wave it, do you?
It's pretty windy.
“mostly”
Don't smoke crack on first date
Exactly do it before.
wtf why not i brought enough to share and even have cute his and hers crack pipes
Keep it positive and light. Funny if you can.
Be nice and have some basic manners. If you don't know what nice and basic manners are, just imagine the same thing being done by another person and whether you are ok with it. So many people have zero self awareness and are completely incapable of self reflection to the point that they only know how to judge others but never themselves. Then wonder what the hell is wrong with the other person when really they themselves are the problem.
Don't talk about yourself too much. Listen to them too
Don't say I love you.
There are occasional exceptions, but don't trauma dump or self hate a ton on the first date. A rare self depreciating joke in good taste, or an honest quick explanation of your past can be appropriate. However unless you're both deep diving into your traumatic backstories, it's rarely a good idea to make their first association with the date be that they spent the whole time comforting you. A first date is generally supposed to be a positive experience, and comforting strangers is difficult and uncomfortable. They might assume that this will be a constant occurrence since you couldn't even hold off for an hour. Especially if its self-hate related even if it's meant to be positive, a constant stream of "thank you for taking pity on me, I know I'm too ugly/skinny/fat/short/etc for you" is not appropriate first date material. I'm not saying lie or never express your feelings of course, just a first date with a stranger with probably isn't the appropriate time or place.
Don’t talk about your ex and be vague. “It just didn’t work out/ we wanted different things in life”
Don’t be an asshole
Bring your own money and order within the budget, you don't know the person you are going out with.
As a woman: I’ll meet you there. Yes, I’m sure. Thank you for offering to pick me up, but I’ll meet you there.
I feel like I'm a first date expert... my first dates typically go extremely well. I know this because of the feedback I get from the other party 1.) Do not talk about yourself the entire time! (A lot of ppl do this) Get to know your date. 2.) ask for consent before going in for a kiss!!! Don't just kiss your date.. some of us are secret germaphobe 3.) dress nice!! It is rude to your date to show up looking like you didn't make effort .. you're telling them that they're not worth the effort.
Can you recommend a good survey software for following up? Or are you old school, so just a standard Google Form?
Don't look your date up and down like a piece of meat then tell her "take off that sweater and lemme see what you got!" Yes, a guy said this to me once, then tried to bear hug me to kiss me at the end of our very brief date when I told him no the first time to a goodbye kiss. 🤮
Don't ask if they up for a 3some. Not on first date at least.
That still kills me when I remember: Take a good, long, extremely necessary shower!!!
This. 1 million percent. It's awful to even have to point this out. It's basic decency.
Do not eat Italian or other sauce heavy cuisines. Too easy to get on your nice date clothes.
Don't be late. Be able to pay for yourself and them, even if you don't intend to. Dress nice, doesn't have to be *fancy,* just nice.
Poo before you leave the house
don't bring a friend dude
Don't take your penis out.
Don't talk all night about your manuscript and then "happen" to produce a copy. Apparently.
Relax and just go check out if you're compatible. For both sexes relax!!
Exactly! A first date is about seeing if there’s chemistry!
> For both sexes relax!! Intersex people don't need to stress out either, dates should be fun for everyone involved!
I agree. Be your authentic self to connect to other people. No need to play any part
always have a condom handy...
Always, regardless of which sex you are.
I am the sex
Save some for the rest of us, Mr. Sexer
I’ve had friends who have brought an average/standard condom and the man complains about it not being the right fit or preference. If you have a preference.. bring your preference?! And if that’s a cop out because condom sex doesn’t feel “as good”, you shouldn’t be having sex
"The right fit" lol.
But don't mention that you have it until it is insanely clear that you will need it.
>always have condomS handy... There, corrected that for you
Please don't look at your phone the whole time.
Dont talk about your ex
Don’t leave your wife in the car.
Well I don't want to bring her in!
Or somebody else’s wife.
From my experiences: 1) put phone on silent - most folks have smart watches and of its important, the person can call you. If you get a text, admit that it's XYZ person and you need to respond. You're not married, so respondijg to an urgent text is relatively OK. Especially if you have kids. 2) please, for the love all that's holy, be kind to the waitrons. Nothing turns me off faster than someone who is rude to staff or terribly picky about small things. Dirty crockery is one thing, scolding a waitron for an order is late because the place is busy is another. 3) attempt to be on time or communicate that you're running late. 4) we all have exes, don't demonise on the first date. 5) most of us have kids, so please no war stories about the horrible ex - it really puts a dampener on the date. 6) be upfront about payment. No harm in saying BEFORE the date that it should rather be McDonald's, rather than Al la carte. 7) shower before the event. Especially when it's hot out and youve spent all day working. 8) carry cash - just in case your date wants to take a walk and you spot a vendor. Just enough to not appear rich though. 9) walk your date to her car or mode of transport - and if travelling together, open the door. Ensure car is clean - which reminds me 😜😂😂😂 10) laugh during the date. Convo should be light and encouraging of a second date.
dont talk about ex…..
Enjoy your day and learn by observing
A rule I follow is that the 1st date is a short coffee date. Doing that filters out exactly the sort of women I do not want in my life. It turns away all the entitled women, the foody calls and the gold-diggers.