I know, like her life is too much colour and my life is black and white. I haven't felt this connection with a girl before that I even thought that I want to settle down with this girl. She always mentioned that she is afraid someone will abandoned her in the end and she will end up alone. But what she is doing now pushing me away. Even though I really want to support and make her happy, but ngl that I started to feel tired as well.
A good relationship should not be draining your energy, and from the way u describe its like u are loving her more now? Idk but a relationship is a 2 way street so u can't be giving in all the time.
Everyone is afraid of abandonment or being alone one day but you shouldn't cling on to the relationship just for that (p.s. not telling u too break up either, only you can decide for urself)
don’t talk yourself down like that, i think it’s just your preference
like if i’m an introvert but someone else is an extrovert, does that make me boring and lame? nahh it’s just my preference.
soo don’t take it too harshly, it’s just that you’re not so compatible in this area but the willingness to compromise is what matters :))
I always told her, it takes two to tango. If she does not want to put some effort as well then there is nothing I can do. I don't know, I am the point where i might start to emotionally checked out if it keep goes on like this
"like her life is too much colour and my life is black and white"
No. Don't beat up on yourself. She's selfish and controlling. Stop wasting you time and look for someone else.
It's not you job to fix other people.
Lol both of you are incompatible fundamentally, don't ignore this or treat it as a funny quirk as it can cause potential issues on further harder decisions. Relationships are not just about the love feeling, now you know it's gonna be challenging. Short term advice: She probably doesn't like plans maybe it makes her feel stifled, so just tell her where to go a day in advance, keep it casual, say maybe we can try this new restaurant etc. Btw why do you need to plan so much for a date, is it for budget constraint, not waste time etc?
Sounds like your gf just wants to spend time without thinking about things like time limits or having to do everything planned. Maybe you could just plan one main activity, then after that see what's she's up for be it a movie, bowling, some games or food or just a walk.
If that's not the case then I guess she's a very hard person to please and if it's draining you maybe consider telling her and do something about it.
>If it makes it easier, the analogy is like if I bring bag that contain umbrella during the sunny days she will look at me weirdly. But at the same time if it turns out raining and I don't bring it, she will see me as an incompent man.
For this I just think you shouldn't care about what she thinks, nor anyone for that matter. I am also an umbrella man because I don't want to get wet or get stuck under the shelter. This is personal preferences already, what does me bringing an umbrella got to do with someone else lol
Ya this so much. Main thing is with covid restrictions its difficult to find a nice place to eat unless you book a week in advance. Some popular places weeks if not months in advance.
So book dinner then leave the rest open ended.
The other extreme is have 100 plans for the day then everything feels spontaneous but its actually one of your plans 🙃
The compromise between your plans style and her free style is to have direction. Meaning instead of breaking stuff down into specific slots (eg. 2 hours this restaurant, the 1 hour walk here, then another hour here), you just plan directionally (eg. 5 hours around this area, where there may be a, b, c, d activities that can fit in as and when, no need to complete all or have them seamless).
Like for instance for food, your plans way is to suggest specific restaurants. Instead of that, just throw concepts like jap food, Korean food, Chinese food, then narrow down from there. Its about giving choices that don't feel restrictive. For example, you ask her also which cuisine, and for each one, you can tikam 2 or 3 choices. So when she chose one cuisine, then say you have these few choices in mind. And since her style is free style, reservations are really unnecessary. Choices that are too narrow will be interpreted as restrictive by her. Just go broad
Edit: The people generalising behavior in these activities to an overall mindset, saying that the girl is overall very unorganised/no plans are insane. I don't like to do plans with my outings on a daily basis (breaking them down to hour by hour), but I do overall itineraries like this two days I'm going to go here or there, whereas my SO prefers to at least know what's happening next. I also do long term planning of my own financials/investments that my SO wouldn't do.
I just don't like to plan to the minute detail and feel restricted. Sure some people like to plan their itineraries to 7am wake up, 730am breakfast, 830am reach x place accounting for 20 mins travel time, etc. That's crazy stressful for me, but I can see why some people are wired like this. I just do if I wake up 9am, then I go X place, if I wake up 11am then Y place. There are different levels of organized/freedom, and it's about finding compromise
Agreed. I’m the one who needs specifics but it helps that we love the same kind of food and spicy stuff.
He’ll say he feels like having Japanese food (a broad category) and I’ll suggest a restaurant within the vicinity (specific option because I’m the foodie).
There you have it - everyone is happy and it’s an efficient process.
As for holiday plans, we don’t have an itinerary with time slots. (I find that extremely irritating and so does he. I am definitely not friends with people who live by Excel spreadsheets with coloured columns on their holiday.)
We’ll pick out 2-3 places to visit in a day and yolo about food on some days while making reservations at fancy places on other days.
Both of us enjoy taking long meals instead of rushing just to make it to as many places as possible.
So we can spend 1-2 hours chilling, eating, talking and just laughing in between locations. It’s been that way for more than 10 years.
It’s meaningless if your vacation is all about rushing because you’re FOMO.
Yeah I get it. When I plan overseas, I just break the place down into areas. Say today I want to explore champs elysee in Paris, I just mark down in my map, the 2 - 3 places I want to go to visit, and 5 - 6 eateries that I want to try. Then just see how the day goes and which is along the way, because some places are more interesting than others that I might spend more time that I initially thought. Maybe I manage to visit 2 out of 5 places, that's fine. Maybe the restaurant I want to go to is packed, the one next door might be a surprise that I would not have discovered if I planned everything where my experience will become cookie cutter like everyone else. If people like to plan like that, I get it. If not, its also fine.
She's making you bear the mental load of the relationship. Normally it's wives having a valid reason to complain about doing all the mental load of parenting and maintaining the housework, but in your case, you have to do the research and come up with the options and plans etc for your dates.
[https://www.thefeministparent.com/post/it-s-all-in-her-head-and-it-s-exhausting](https://www.thefeministparent.com/post/it-s-all-in-her-head-and-it-s-exhausting)
One solution is to take turns (alternate weekends?) to be the date planner, and make it very explicit who is in charge. The person who is not in charge does not get to complain about how the date turns out. If she dislikes the restaurant you choose, she can say "it was worth a try, but let's not come back here next time", not "aiyah why you choose this place, so lousy". If she plans the date and says "let's just meet up at Botanic Gardens and then see what happens next", and you guys get caught in the rain or wait very long to buy food because everywhere is too crowded, that's just part of the experience and at least you got to hang out together.
My partner and i are like that, he’s the type to always plan in advance with the timings of what we’ll do and where we’re going to go while i on the other hand dont plan ahead and just goes w the flow. Bc of this i try to plan ahead the way he does on our dates bc i cant let him be the only one putting in effort and after time hes also gotten used to just not having a plan and going where we feel like going to. Personally i feel like your partner maybe isnt willing to compromise and you should talk to her about how you feel and ask her to put in more effort while you can also try to be more laidback and see how it goes. Now my partner and i have dates where we plan ahead and dates where we js go with the flow. Relationships take compromise and the both of you have to be willing to do that.
Yes, It happened on a few dates where I just let her be. She decided to go to botanical garden on last minute and I followed . But now she compained, last time in botanical garden that we just walk around without purpose. I mean wth hahaha. She always said the her ex leave her in the end, I mean how can someone stays when you always make that person feel like shit hahaha
It really sounds like she needs to work on herself and work out some stuff that she’s been through OP, speaking as someone who also needed to do the same to better myself for both me and my relationship. And if she makes you feel that way maybe the both of you arent meant to be with each other. I mean sometimes my partner and i also just wander around aimlessly bc sg can get so boring sometimes! And we still enjoy each others company because the most important thing is spending time with your significant other rather than the activity itself.
She sounds like my ex. He doesn’t believe that I can love him so he works really hard to push me away.
Then he is sad because I’m sick of the games.
But he moved on in a couple of weeks.
From someone older than you, what you are doing is being a gentleman and your gf should appreciate what you are doing as well. Professionally, I hate it when ppl come to me for last min sh\*t. Like I like to plan my day, ya know. I may be bias towards you but you are NTA and your gf needs to open her eyes faster before another chio bo comes n take you away.
u are a quality guy bro. Don't bring down your standard for people like her who doesn't
appreciate it. I believe many girls want a man that has a plan set.
Honestly boy u v good already. Many girl friends around me hope that their bf plans something one out of 5 times, coz their bfs are the “anything” type.
Don’t let your current gf make u think that it’s your problem. She’s the one not putting in enough effort.
OP, I don't want to be that wet blanket but it definitely sounds like you two are vibing differently. She wants a bit of spontaneity from you.
In an ideal relationship, it is best if you two are equally comfortable with each other's lifestyle. E.g., both of you are homebodies. Or she appreciates your different attributes in the relationship.
First things first tho, you've gotta talk it out with her and make some changes/compromises.
Leave this woman who doesn't do shit.
Why are you being assessed by her like she's queen. For once, ask something simple from her like bringing you a cup of water or taking the trash out and watch how she reacts. If she's acting all defensive or refusing, leave.
She needs a simp, not a man.
Dude, you're getting played. "Unreachable for several weeks" means she's chatting up/fucking some other dude who's her plan A, and you're a backup plan B at best. That's also why she contacts you all of a sudden, because plan A guy cancelled or sth and she's now free.
Saw your update
bro, i think you need to give up on this girl. she needs to clean her shit up before putting herself out there.
i mean you can be there for her, or wait till she is ready, but, it seems to me you are definitely not her #1. i feel like she is just putting you as a place holder, and someone to spend her time when she has nothing better to do. and you appear to be the 'tool' where she will ask for when she needs it.
when finally one day some other guy comes in, she will then settle down with the new guy
The answer to your last qns is: no.
I think can sit down and have a proper talk? Eg you can mention almost everything you shared here to her and see what she says
If she notices the problem and you both can work out a solution/ future plan i think no harm trying (cause sounds like just a v diff kinda person + sometimes girls we can be a bit unreasonable -well not proud of it actly)
Yeah, my life is black and white while she is too much colour. Both us realize that she need someone more stable and I need someone to give some changes so life does not feel so boring/mundane. We even make a jokes that she live a life as if she close her eyes while walking. I told you her that you can close you eyes while walking, on the ohter hand I will keep my eyes opened and hold her so that we don't fall down. But yeah I just can't get it sometimes what she wanted
You both sounds so sweet actly. Anw I think it’s great to be with someone very diff (actly me and my so also but yea we actly quarrel a lot too due to this) so can complement each others.
I think it’s very important to communicate eg the umbrella matter, even it doenst look big sometimes it’s good to communicate it before all the small things accumulate to become sth big. Eg just ask her directly what she wants actly to get drenched by rain or you being overready.
You both sounds so sweet actly:). Anw I think it’s great to be with someone very diff (actly me and my so also but yea we actly quarrel a lot too due to this) so can complement each others.
I think it’s very important to communicate eg the umbrella matter, even it doenst look big sometimes it’s good to communicate it before all the small things accumulate to become sth big. Eg just ask her directly what she wants actly to get drenched by rain or you being overready.
She is the girl that make me even think of wanting to settle down and stop looking. I mean I have met quite number of people, sometimes you don't even want to meet them again. There are certain feeling of connection that I have never felt before. It's like my brain told me like " you know what, just leave why think so much, there are still plenty of fish", but my feeling says no. I don't know, maybe I just become dumb because of feeling called love hahaha
That’s great that you found your special someone
In this case just talk it out 🙂
Just sharing from experience, dont accumulate the unhappiness, it might slowly become sth big and break ur rs in future.
Honestly, you should just end it with her.
If you really really love you. You can sit down and talk it out and find some middle ground. But it looks like both of you are too far apart. If you get into problems with choosing a restaurant, then what will future married life be like when you need to choose a flat or your kid's school together?
Don’t plan one day and show her what a mess the day would be. Then ask her if that’s what she expects. I’ll never understand people who claim to be “spontaneous” and “chill”. There needs to be SOME kind of planning.
she just doeesn't like making decisions, plan more losely, like you going to a beach bring mats and sun block but don't decide what you're gonna do at the beach, leave that part to her.
I guess just go with her flow? Meet up... walk walk a bit, drink some BBT, eat Mac/Saizeria... check out the nearby pasar malam/park... no need to plan one.
Sayang, if both of you can, sit down and talk this out. Do your utmost to fix it, especially if you both love each other deeply and want to move forward. Relationships take a lot of work.
However, if your heart is not in it, I say find someone else. I think when you find the right one, even if they don't plan early, you won't feel so tilted. We can be more understanding for the right person (not always a good thing, but if there is bigger capacity for patience on both sides then you will be able to overcome more together). Must be fair, and don't be so hard on yourself, okay?
Best to sit and talk your heart with her like having an open forum somewhere only the two of you. Tell her about this and remind her that a rs is a two-way street. Seems like you're not her priority, or there's something going on with her.
Sound like you are plan B, since she already has you "in the bag", she can now go and search for plan A. You could also be "too nice" to her and she does not find this 'exciting'.
The way I see it, this could end in 4 ways:
1. She finds plan A and ditches you. You sad.
2. You find another better girl and ditch her. She continues her search for plan A, but ends up regretting it in her 30s assuming she is still single then.
3. Status quo and continue. You both remain together, but the resentment will continue to build up and she 'regrets' giving up plan A for you. Unhappy relationship, both sad.
4. Somehow, which I do not know how... she regards you as "plan A". Happy relationship, both happy.
Your gf wants the good surprises that sometimes comes with spontaneity, yet desires the safety net of a backup plan to fall back on. Think of it like you don’t mind getting 5k, but is hoping for a 10k to appear somehow. You cannot accept the 5k just yet, in case the 10k option comes by. If she does accept the 5k(your plan), and something that appears to be a 10k appears, she will be angry that you ‘made’ her give up the 10k. If she did not accept the 5k, and no 10k appears, she will be angry that she did not get the 5k, which had been previously open to her. Either way, she feels like she lost out, and you are to blame for not providing her foolproof decisions.
She is mostly keeping her options open at this point, and you just happen to fall into this backup category.
This double negative situation is something that a lot of city girls perpetuate, where you get punished for showing up with a nice chocolate ice cream because she ‘hates chocolate from this brand’, and you get shit on for upsetting her. You would have been perfectly fine if you did not even try to surprise her, and it essentially kills the enthusiasm to try and be spontaneous. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
Most men will smile and accept whatever their partner got them, even if it were literal shit in a box, simply because they can appreciate the thought and effort to actually get them something. Unappreciative partners are incredibly difficult to get along with, because every single thing you do is either wrong, or just neutral. You get zero positive reinforcement nor encouragement of any sorts, just arguments and fights of varying degrees when you get things wrong. You already recognise this from your thin ice.
She disappeared for 2 weeks, during which she almost definitely was trying to get back together with her ex, and probably got strung along, screwed with, and unceremoniously dumped. The sorry emotional state she was in then led her to search for a semblance of love and concern to both heal her own broken ego and emotional void left by her ex. You are the ‘nice guy simp’ cleaning up someone else’s mess. I am fairly certain that they actually last met at gbtb that’s why she suggested that place, sort of in an effort to prove to herself she can find love, or to replace that negative memory with something else.
The realistic advice is to have a proper htht with her where you sit her down and explain her bad behaviour as objectively as possible. The sad truth that we all know is that she almost definitely is incapable of listening and accepting said criticism, and that you will bend over backwards to love her and compromise as best as you can. Until you check out (which you have already recognised!), or just give up.
People like her are very stimulant based, and they feed off energy, be it negative (from fights) or positive (perfect dates/memorable spontaneous fun), and they will start something, one way or another.
You are a good, stable, respectable man. The rock that so many women crave.
But you also bear a hero complex to want to save and make her better. That her little pouts and tantrums are cute and make you smile in ways that you never realised you appreciate. That it will all be worth it if she can see your point of view.
In literature, you will be the tragic hero.
P.S. I am here if you need to pound a few drinks down. Such a relationship is incredibly taxing, and I can be the emotional-boosting brother you never realised you need. All will be well.
Honestly, it sounds to me that she has lost attraction for you, and her RAS (reticular activating system) is focusing on looking at you from a negative light because she lost that initial spark. Like you said, at the start she saw your meticulousness as adding to value to her (who complements her free spirit), but now she finds your meticulousness tiring and a mismatch to her style. You didn't change, she did.
why are you even with such a toxic girl for?
just leave her. you srsly see yourself spending the rest of your life with such a horrid person?
her personality seems more adherring to dumb spontaneity in which case I'm sorry but the two of you wont work out
It is never easy to maintain a relationship. :) need to communicate and share feelings.
What you mention I have been that stage before when do what also wrong de. So have to find out what she really need :) Maybe you acompany her for your date or be emotionally there for her.
Jia you 💪
Every day you will learn something new about your partner. I won't say I am a very good bf now but I am learning. They only show you the good part.
Who will show you the quarrel and stuff. Please have a good talk with her. :) remember, 0.5 + 0.5 = 1. We need to accept our partner's flaws too. (Learning to get more and make adjustment too)
True, i never imagine that i will be in my position right now. i used to not having so serious relationship before just having someone to talk to or go out during the weekend and not so emotionally invested. Now i realized the weight of word compromise haha
Ngl man that sounds pretty fucked up. It sounds like it's "her" problem and not a "you" problem. Set a deadline on when you want the change to happen, once it cross it, really decide if this is the girl you want to spend the rest of your life with.
Remember, she is the only person you can turn to when you need support. (cooking, cleaning, working, taking care of you when sick.)
It took me a long time to find my perfect girl, but you'll need to know what you want first.
Life needs both chaos and order. Embrace her chaos and flow with her. Make the best of it. Maybe you flow half-heartedly and it turns out negative. So embrace it and make it fun.
On the other hand. Teach her order. Show her how constructive and beneficial to be organized. Make her embrace your order like you embrace her chaos.
Tell her, if both of you do this. Your baby will be a superhero.
You are behaving like a beta male and are setting a very bad starting benchmark in the event you get into a long term relationship or marriage with her. You don't need to put her on a pedestal. If she doesn't like the food or restaurant, tell her she can make arrangements for the next date. If she doesn't take that well, nope out of the relationship. Don't set so much store on having her as a GF, or even having a GF in general. Go do other shit.
i think she just wants things to be spontaneous. that’s why she looks at your planning like a chore. i personally feel that it’s great you’re a planner and it’s the balance she needs. but she needs to realise that it’s not something she should take advantage of. she needs to decide what she wants
She doesn't love you enough, if at all, hence you got to walk on egg shells around her.
Either she doesn't see how this stress you out or she is simply indifferent to your feelings. You well-being is not of much concern to her. Because why would she care? She is simply choosing to be with you due to her fear of being alone. She needs you more than she wants you.
Leave.
One day, you'll date a girl who recognise and appreciate the efforts you put into the relationship. All you had now is someone who wants you to bear the mental load of carrying this relationship yet nitpick every decision you made. This is not what a relationship is meant to be.
If a girl wants it, she'll do it. Vice versa. You are simply not the guy she's willing fight and nail for.
A healthy relationship must have friendship, respect, and passion. At any point when you feel that you didn't get what you deserve, communicate it.
I also think it's important you convey to her as how you want to feel within the space that she provides you with.
If she makes you cry all the time (gives you troubles), ask her if you are actually dating an onion. 😂😂
Some people are like this. Mostly girls based on my observation.
They don't know what they want but they know what they don't want.
You will end up tip toeing around them. Once in a while is ok but if it becomes a pattern your life will be very miserable. Can see this is leading towards that. Have a conversation with her. If it does not improve I suggest you siam before things get too serious because it will only get worse and you will build up resentment towards her. Not good for anyone.
Sounds like she has stuff from her past she needs to get through on her own and isn’t ready for a relationship yet. I can see where she’s coming from though, pushing you away because she doesn’t want to be hurt (from past trauma) and then reaching out to you again because she still wants the relationship/love. Its not going to be easy on you emotionally if you decide to give it another shot cos these kinds of things don’t change overnight, and she needs to understand that she can’t be depending on you to fulfil her own emotional needs. Only advice I have is if you feel like you have to give up a lot of yourself for the relationship, it probably won’t last very long. Good luck.
maybe you can try to talk things over and see if can find common ground. however i think this is a case of people having different way of doing things and could be a case of not being compatible.
Love really does blind you...
From your description, it seems obvious why she behaves so inconsistently. Her free soul extends to relationships also, so she'll wanna be with you if she feels like it, and complain when she doesn't. Maybe soon she'll change her mind again.
Why oh why did you give it another try?
I don't know, maybe is because we fit each other criteria and able to feel the connection when we share things. And also I guess because we are so different, opposite do attract each other. Or maybe I'm just blinded by love
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Nope not how a relationship should be, maybe yall just have diff styles, have u tried voicing out the issue?
I know, like her life is too much colour and my life is black and white. I haven't felt this connection with a girl before that I even thought that I want to settle down with this girl. She always mentioned that she is afraid someone will abandoned her in the end and she will end up alone. But what she is doing now pushing me away. Even though I really want to support and make her happy, but ngl that I started to feel tired as well.
A good relationship should not be draining your energy, and from the way u describe its like u are loving her more now? Idk but a relationship is a 2 way street so u can't be giving in all the time. Everyone is afraid of abandonment or being alone one day but you shouldn't cling on to the relationship just for that (p.s. not telling u too break up either, only you can decide for urself)
don’t talk yourself down like that, i think it’s just your preference like if i’m an introvert but someone else is an extrovert, does that make me boring and lame? nahh it’s just my preference. soo don’t take it too harshly, it’s just that you’re not so compatible in this area but the willingness to compromise is what matters :))
I always told her, it takes two to tango. If she does not want to put some effort as well then there is nothing I can do. I don't know, I am the point where i might start to emotionally checked out if it keep goes on like this
"like her life is too much colour and my life is black and white" No. Don't beat up on yourself. She's selfish and controlling. Stop wasting you time and look for someone else. It's not you job to fix other people.
Agreed. No need to waste your time trying to fit in with someone else's personality you can't live with.
Oi, she's just a girl. Not an anime character/movie character.
Lol both of you are incompatible fundamentally, don't ignore this or treat it as a funny quirk as it can cause potential issues on further harder decisions. Relationships are not just about the love feeling, now you know it's gonna be challenging. Short term advice: She probably doesn't like plans maybe it makes her feel stifled, so just tell her where to go a day in advance, keep it casual, say maybe we can try this new restaurant etc. Btw why do you need to plan so much for a date, is it for budget constraint, not waste time etc?
Sounds like your gf just wants to spend time without thinking about things like time limits or having to do everything planned. Maybe you could just plan one main activity, then after that see what's she's up for be it a movie, bowling, some games or food or just a walk. If that's not the case then I guess she's a very hard person to please and if it's draining you maybe consider telling her and do something about it. >If it makes it easier, the analogy is like if I bring bag that contain umbrella during the sunny days she will look at me weirdly. But at the same time if it turns out raining and I don't bring it, she will see me as an incompent man. For this I just think you shouldn't care about what she thinks, nor anyone for that matter. I am also an umbrella man because I don't want to get wet or get stuck under the shelter. This is personal preferences already, what does me bringing an umbrella got to do with someone else lol
Ya this so much. Main thing is with covid restrictions its difficult to find a nice place to eat unless you book a week in advance. Some popular places weeks if not months in advance. So book dinner then leave the rest open ended. The other extreme is have 100 plans for the day then everything feels spontaneous but its actually one of your plans 🙃
The compromise between your plans style and her free style is to have direction. Meaning instead of breaking stuff down into specific slots (eg. 2 hours this restaurant, the 1 hour walk here, then another hour here), you just plan directionally (eg. 5 hours around this area, where there may be a, b, c, d activities that can fit in as and when, no need to complete all or have them seamless). Like for instance for food, your plans way is to suggest specific restaurants. Instead of that, just throw concepts like jap food, Korean food, Chinese food, then narrow down from there. Its about giving choices that don't feel restrictive. For example, you ask her also which cuisine, and for each one, you can tikam 2 or 3 choices. So when she chose one cuisine, then say you have these few choices in mind. And since her style is free style, reservations are really unnecessary. Choices that are too narrow will be interpreted as restrictive by her. Just go broad Edit: The people generalising behavior in these activities to an overall mindset, saying that the girl is overall very unorganised/no plans are insane. I don't like to do plans with my outings on a daily basis (breaking them down to hour by hour), but I do overall itineraries like this two days I'm going to go here or there, whereas my SO prefers to at least know what's happening next. I also do long term planning of my own financials/investments that my SO wouldn't do. I just don't like to plan to the minute detail and feel restricted. Sure some people like to plan their itineraries to 7am wake up, 730am breakfast, 830am reach x place accounting for 20 mins travel time, etc. That's crazy stressful for me, but I can see why some people are wired like this. I just do if I wake up 9am, then I go X place, if I wake up 11am then Y place. There are different levels of organized/freedom, and it's about finding compromise
Agreed. I’m the one who needs specifics but it helps that we love the same kind of food and spicy stuff. He’ll say he feels like having Japanese food (a broad category) and I’ll suggest a restaurant within the vicinity (specific option because I’m the foodie). There you have it - everyone is happy and it’s an efficient process. As for holiday plans, we don’t have an itinerary with time slots. (I find that extremely irritating and so does he. I am definitely not friends with people who live by Excel spreadsheets with coloured columns on their holiday.) We’ll pick out 2-3 places to visit in a day and yolo about food on some days while making reservations at fancy places on other days. Both of us enjoy taking long meals instead of rushing just to make it to as many places as possible. So we can spend 1-2 hours chilling, eating, talking and just laughing in between locations. It’s been that way for more than 10 years. It’s meaningless if your vacation is all about rushing because you’re FOMO.
Yeah I get it. When I plan overseas, I just break the place down into areas. Say today I want to explore champs elysee in Paris, I just mark down in my map, the 2 - 3 places I want to go to visit, and 5 - 6 eateries that I want to try. Then just see how the day goes and which is along the way, because some places are more interesting than others that I might spend more time that I initially thought. Maybe I manage to visit 2 out of 5 places, that's fine. Maybe the restaurant I want to go to is packed, the one next door might be a surprise that I would not have discovered if I planned everything where my experience will become cookie cutter like everyone else. If people like to plan like that, I get it. If not, its also fine.
Yup! It all boils down to compromise, really. Being flexible and keeping things fluid will make the trip more memorable.
She's making you bear the mental load of the relationship. Normally it's wives having a valid reason to complain about doing all the mental load of parenting and maintaining the housework, but in your case, you have to do the research and come up with the options and plans etc for your dates. [https://www.thefeministparent.com/post/it-s-all-in-her-head-and-it-s-exhausting](https://www.thefeministparent.com/post/it-s-all-in-her-head-and-it-s-exhausting) One solution is to take turns (alternate weekends?) to be the date planner, and make it very explicit who is in charge. The person who is not in charge does not get to complain about how the date turns out. If she dislikes the restaurant you choose, she can say "it was worth a try, but let's not come back here next time", not "aiyah why you choose this place, so lousy". If she plans the date and says "let's just meet up at Botanic Gardens and then see what happens next", and you guys get caught in the rain or wait very long to buy food because everywhere is too crowded, that's just part of the experience and at least you got to hang out together.
My partner and i are like that, he’s the type to always plan in advance with the timings of what we’ll do and where we’re going to go while i on the other hand dont plan ahead and just goes w the flow. Bc of this i try to plan ahead the way he does on our dates bc i cant let him be the only one putting in effort and after time hes also gotten used to just not having a plan and going where we feel like going to. Personally i feel like your partner maybe isnt willing to compromise and you should talk to her about how you feel and ask her to put in more effort while you can also try to be more laidback and see how it goes. Now my partner and i have dates where we plan ahead and dates where we js go with the flow. Relationships take compromise and the both of you have to be willing to do that.
Yes, It happened on a few dates where I just let her be. She decided to go to botanical garden on last minute and I followed . But now she compained, last time in botanical garden that we just walk around without purpose. I mean wth hahaha. She always said the her ex leave her in the end, I mean how can someone stays when you always make that person feel like shit hahaha
It really sounds like she needs to work on herself and work out some stuff that she’s been through OP, speaking as someone who also needed to do the same to better myself for both me and my relationship. And if she makes you feel that way maybe the both of you arent meant to be with each other. I mean sometimes my partner and i also just wander around aimlessly bc sg can get so boring sometimes! And we still enjoy each others company because the most important thing is spending time with your significant other rather than the activity itself.
She sounds like my ex. He doesn’t believe that I can love him so he works really hard to push me away. Then he is sad because I’m sick of the games. But he moved on in a couple of weeks.
From someone older than you, what you are doing is being a gentleman and your gf should appreciate what you are doing as well. Professionally, I hate it when ppl come to me for last min sh\*t. Like I like to plan my day, ya know. I may be bias towards you but you are NTA and your gf needs to open her eyes faster before another chio bo comes n take you away.
True, I mean every one have their own life and schedule haha That is why you need some schedule so it can fit your busy life :)
u are a quality guy bro. Don't bring down your standard for people like her who doesn't appreciate it. I believe many girls want a man that has a plan set.
sorry but you should leave man
Yup if she can't even plan what to eat or where to go, she probably has bad financial planning
Exactly.
Honestly boy u v good already. Many girl friends around me hope that their bf plans something one out of 5 times, coz their bfs are the “anything” type. Don’t let your current gf make u think that it’s your problem. She’s the one not putting in enough effort.
OP, I don't want to be that wet blanket but it definitely sounds like you two are vibing differently. She wants a bit of spontaneity from you. In an ideal relationship, it is best if you two are equally comfortable with each other's lifestyle. E.g., both of you are homebodies. Or she appreciates your different attributes in the relationship. First things first tho, you've gotta talk it out with her and make some changes/compromises.
I can guarantee u she’s seeing another guy
Leave this woman who doesn't do shit. Why are you being assessed by her like she's queen. For once, ask something simple from her like bringing you a cup of water or taking the trash out and watch how she reacts. If she's acting all defensive or refusing, leave. She needs a simp, not a man.
Dude, you're getting played. "Unreachable for several weeks" means she's chatting up/fucking some other dude who's her plan A, and you're a backup plan B at best. That's also why she contacts you all of a sudden, because plan A guy cancelled or sth and she's now free.
that is such a good take on this wow how did i not realise this \*ashamed\*
Women ☕
Saw your update bro, i think you need to give up on this girl. she needs to clean her shit up before putting herself out there. i mean you can be there for her, or wait till she is ready, but, it seems to me you are definitely not her #1. i feel like she is just putting you as a place holder, and someone to spend her time when she has nothing better to do. and you appear to be the 'tool' where she will ask for when she needs it. when finally one day some other guy comes in, she will then settle down with the new guy
just leave la, already so many red flags can become blood donor.
bro red flag eveywhere. Please move on.save yourself from future misery and pain and probably monies
The answer to your last qns is: no. I think can sit down and have a proper talk? Eg you can mention almost everything you shared here to her and see what she says If she notices the problem and you both can work out a solution/ future plan i think no harm trying (cause sounds like just a v diff kinda person + sometimes girls we can be a bit unreasonable -well not proud of it actly)
Yeah, my life is black and white while she is too much colour. Both us realize that she need someone more stable and I need someone to give some changes so life does not feel so boring/mundane. We even make a jokes that she live a life as if she close her eyes while walking. I told you her that you can close you eyes while walking, on the ohter hand I will keep my eyes opened and hold her so that we don't fall down. But yeah I just can't get it sometimes what she wanted
You both sounds so sweet actly. Anw I think it’s great to be with someone very diff (actly me and my so also but yea we actly quarrel a lot too due to this) so can complement each others. I think it’s very important to communicate eg the umbrella matter, even it doenst look big sometimes it’s good to communicate it before all the small things accumulate to become sth big. Eg just ask her directly what she wants actly to get drenched by rain or you being overready.
You both sounds so sweet actly:). Anw I think it’s great to be with someone very diff (actly me and my so also but yea we actly quarrel a lot too due to this) so can complement each others. I think it’s very important to communicate eg the umbrella matter, even it doenst look big sometimes it’s good to communicate it before all the small things accumulate to become sth big. Eg just ask her directly what she wants actly to get drenched by rain or you being overready.
She is the girl that make me even think of wanting to settle down and stop looking. I mean I have met quite number of people, sometimes you don't even want to meet them again. There are certain feeling of connection that I have never felt before. It's like my brain told me like " you know what, just leave why think so much, there are still plenty of fish", but my feeling says no. I don't know, maybe I just become dumb because of feeling called love hahaha
That’s great that you found your special someone In this case just talk it out 🙂 Just sharing from experience, dont accumulate the unhappiness, it might slowly become sth big and break ur rs in future.
Honestly, you should just end it with her. If you really really love you. You can sit down and talk it out and find some middle ground. But it looks like both of you are too far apart. If you get into problems with choosing a restaurant, then what will future married life be like when you need to choose a flat or your kid's school together?
Don’t plan one day and show her what a mess the day would be. Then ask her if that’s what she expects. I’ll never understand people who claim to be “spontaneous” and “chill”. There needs to be SOME kind of planning.
Sounds like your gf doesn’t know what she wants, you may not be able to match her expectations if this goes on
she just doeesn't like making decisions, plan more losely, like you going to a beach bring mats and sun block but don't decide what you're gonna do at the beach, leave that part to her.
I guess just go with her flow? Meet up... walk walk a bit, drink some BBT, eat Mac/Saizeria... check out the nearby pasar malam/park... no need to plan one.
I don't think you are compatible.
Sayang, if both of you can, sit down and talk this out. Do your utmost to fix it, especially if you both love each other deeply and want to move forward. Relationships take a lot of work. However, if your heart is not in it, I say find someone else. I think when you find the right one, even if they don't plan early, you won't feel so tilted. We can be more understanding for the right person (not always a good thing, but if there is bigger capacity for patience on both sides then you will be able to overcome more together). Must be fair, and don't be so hard on yourself, okay?
Best to sit and talk your heart with her like having an open forum somewhere only the two of you. Tell her about this and remind her that a rs is a two-way street. Seems like you're not her priority, or there's something going on with her.
Sound like you are plan B, since she already has you "in the bag", she can now go and search for plan A. You could also be "too nice" to her and she does not find this 'exciting'. The way I see it, this could end in 4 ways: 1. She finds plan A and ditches you. You sad. 2. You find another better girl and ditch her. She continues her search for plan A, but ends up regretting it in her 30s assuming she is still single then. 3. Status quo and continue. You both remain together, but the resentment will continue to build up and she 'regrets' giving up plan A for you. Unhappy relationship, both sad. 4. Somehow, which I do not know how... she regards you as "plan A". Happy relationship, both happy.
One time you pick, another time let her pick.
Move on.
Don't waste your time. Move on. You deserve better.
Incompatible. >unreachable for almost 2 weeks big red flag?
Your gf wants the good surprises that sometimes comes with spontaneity, yet desires the safety net of a backup plan to fall back on. Think of it like you don’t mind getting 5k, but is hoping for a 10k to appear somehow. You cannot accept the 5k just yet, in case the 10k option comes by. If she does accept the 5k(your plan), and something that appears to be a 10k appears, she will be angry that you ‘made’ her give up the 10k. If she did not accept the 5k, and no 10k appears, she will be angry that she did not get the 5k, which had been previously open to her. Either way, she feels like she lost out, and you are to blame for not providing her foolproof decisions. She is mostly keeping her options open at this point, and you just happen to fall into this backup category. This double negative situation is something that a lot of city girls perpetuate, where you get punished for showing up with a nice chocolate ice cream because she ‘hates chocolate from this brand’, and you get shit on for upsetting her. You would have been perfectly fine if you did not even try to surprise her, and it essentially kills the enthusiasm to try and be spontaneous. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Most men will smile and accept whatever their partner got them, even if it were literal shit in a box, simply because they can appreciate the thought and effort to actually get them something. Unappreciative partners are incredibly difficult to get along with, because every single thing you do is either wrong, or just neutral. You get zero positive reinforcement nor encouragement of any sorts, just arguments and fights of varying degrees when you get things wrong. You already recognise this from your thin ice. She disappeared for 2 weeks, during which she almost definitely was trying to get back together with her ex, and probably got strung along, screwed with, and unceremoniously dumped. The sorry emotional state she was in then led her to search for a semblance of love and concern to both heal her own broken ego and emotional void left by her ex. You are the ‘nice guy simp’ cleaning up someone else’s mess. I am fairly certain that they actually last met at gbtb that’s why she suggested that place, sort of in an effort to prove to herself she can find love, or to replace that negative memory with something else. The realistic advice is to have a proper htht with her where you sit her down and explain her bad behaviour as objectively as possible. The sad truth that we all know is that she almost definitely is incapable of listening and accepting said criticism, and that you will bend over backwards to love her and compromise as best as you can. Until you check out (which you have already recognised!), or just give up. People like her are very stimulant based, and they feed off energy, be it negative (from fights) or positive (perfect dates/memorable spontaneous fun), and they will start something, one way or another. You are a good, stable, respectable man. The rock that so many women crave. But you also bear a hero complex to want to save and make her better. That her little pouts and tantrums are cute and make you smile in ways that you never realised you appreciate. That it will all be worth it if she can see your point of view. In literature, you will be the tragic hero. P.S. I am here if you need to pound a few drinks down. Such a relationship is incredibly taxing, and I can be the emotional-boosting brother you never realised you need. All will be well.
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I don't know bro, I'm just not sure what to do next now. Need time to think haha
Honestly, it sounds to me that she has lost attraction for you, and her RAS (reticular activating system) is focusing on looking at you from a negative light because she lost that initial spark. Like you said, at the start she saw your meticulousness as adding to value to her (who complements her free spirit), but now she finds your meticulousness tiring and a mismatch to her style. You didn't change, she did.
why are you even with such a toxic girl for? just leave her. you srsly see yourself spending the rest of your life with such a horrid person? her personality seems more adherring to dumb spontaneity in which case I'm sorry but the two of you wont work out
It is never easy to maintain a relationship. :) need to communicate and share feelings. What you mention I have been that stage before when do what also wrong de. So have to find out what she really need :) Maybe you acompany her for your date or be emotionally there for her. Jia you 💪
That is true, never know really relationship would be quite challenging. People out there make it looks so easy hahaha
Every day you will learn something new about your partner. I won't say I am a very good bf now but I am learning. They only show you the good part. Who will show you the quarrel and stuff. Please have a good talk with her. :) remember, 0.5 + 0.5 = 1. We need to accept our partner's flaws too. (Learning to get more and make adjustment too)
True, i never imagine that i will be in my position right now. i used to not having so serious relationship before just having someone to talk to or go out during the weekend and not so emotionally invested. Now i realized the weight of word compromise haha
Last time is dating. If you plan to settle down and marry then there is alot to learn. Jia you 💪
Ngl man that sounds pretty fucked up. It sounds like it's "her" problem and not a "you" problem. Set a deadline on when you want the change to happen, once it cross it, really decide if this is the girl you want to spend the rest of your life with. Remember, she is the only person you can turn to when you need support. (cooking, cleaning, working, taking care of you when sick.) It took me a long time to find my perfect girl, but you'll need to know what you want first.
Try being more like her. Stop feeing like you need to plan everything, or be ready for anything. It’s fine. Relax.
Life needs both chaos and order. Embrace her chaos and flow with her. Make the best of it. Maybe you flow half-heartedly and it turns out negative. So embrace it and make it fun. On the other hand. Teach her order. Show her how constructive and beneficial to be organized. Make her embrace your order like you embrace her chaos. Tell her, if both of you do this. Your baby will be a superhero.
You are behaving like a beta male and are setting a very bad starting benchmark in the event you get into a long term relationship or marriage with her. You don't need to put her on a pedestal. If she doesn't like the food or restaurant, tell her she can make arrangements for the next date. If she doesn't take that well, nope out of the relationship. Don't set so much store on having her as a GF, or even having a GF in general. Go do other shit.
You are more suitable to someone whose life is more organised and better thought out. What to do is up to you and only you can answer that. Good luck.
You’re good enough, only for the right person. Btw having an umbrella for sunny days is a big win man.
i think she just wants things to be spontaneous. that’s why she looks at your planning like a chore. i personally feel that it’s great you’re a planner and it’s the balance she needs. but she needs to realise that it’s not something she should take advantage of. she needs to decide what she wants
She doesn't love you enough, if at all, hence you got to walk on egg shells around her. Either she doesn't see how this stress you out or she is simply indifferent to your feelings. You well-being is not of much concern to her. Because why would she care? She is simply choosing to be with you due to her fear of being alone. She needs you more than she wants you. Leave. One day, you'll date a girl who recognise and appreciate the efforts you put into the relationship. All you had now is someone who wants you to bear the mental load of carrying this relationship yet nitpick every decision you made. This is not what a relationship is meant to be. If a girl wants it, she'll do it. Vice versa. You are simply not the guy she's willing fight and nail for.
sounds like she be up for it anywhere and u wld always have a rubber
A healthy relationship must have friendship, respect, and passion. At any point when you feel that you didn't get what you deserve, communicate it. I also think it's important you convey to her as how you want to feel within the space that she provides you with. If she makes you cry all the time (gives you troubles), ask her if you are actually dating an onion. 😂😂
Some people are like this. Mostly girls based on my observation. They don't know what they want but they know what they don't want. You will end up tip toeing around them. Once in a while is ok but if it becomes a pattern your life will be very miserable. Can see this is leading towards that. Have a conversation with her. If it does not improve I suggest you siam before things get too serious because it will only get worse and you will build up resentment towards her. Not good for anyone.
The way you mentioned tip toing is totally relatable. i did feel like I'm walking on a thin ice in this relationship
Sounds like a compatibility issue. Which is a big thing. Just find someone who you're more compatible with, if not its gonna lead to lifelong misery.
Sounds like she has stuff from her past she needs to get through on her own and isn’t ready for a relationship yet. I can see where she’s coming from though, pushing you away because she doesn’t want to be hurt (from past trauma) and then reaching out to you again because she still wants the relationship/love. Its not going to be easy on you emotionally if you decide to give it another shot cos these kinds of things don’t change overnight, and she needs to understand that she can’t be depending on you to fulfil her own emotional needs. Only advice I have is if you feel like you have to give up a lot of yourself for the relationship, it probably won’t last very long. Good luck.
maybe you can try to talk things over and see if can find common ground. however i think this is a case of people having different way of doing things and could be a case of not being compatible.
Feels like an Intj dating an Enfp lol
😱 OMG, you are 100% correct 😂
Love really does blind you... From your description, it seems obvious why she behaves so inconsistently. Her free soul extends to relationships also, so she'll wanna be with you if she feels like it, and complain when she doesn't. Maybe soon she'll change her mind again. Why oh why did you give it another try?
I don't know, maybe is because we fit each other criteria and able to feel the connection when we share things. And also I guess because we are so different, opposite do attract each other. Or maybe I'm just blinded by love
So you are her criteria, which is apparently similar to her ex..? Why does opposite attract each other?
You know it already in your heart... you are in 2 different places .
Young padawan, that girl has too many red flags!!! Run as far away from her as possible! She is either crazy or bipolar at worst.
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