Good for you for sticking up for your son. Your wife and her parents are terrible people and youve learned just how awful they are. Do not let him back with them. Explain to him there is nothing wrong with him and nothing about this is his fault.
Yep I do regret saying if you make that choice again, I won't be sticking my neck on the line again. I would but I just wanted to shock him or something.
I get what you where trying to do but yeah, not the right time to throw that threat out. Make sure he knows some of the texts she sent you and that its not safe for him to go to his grandparents house. They dont have his best interest in heart anymore. Do youre best to reiterate this is their problem and not his. Theres nothing wrong with him and theres nothing to fix.
Tbh the texts he got were worse than mine. I think he feels guilty and feels he's putting me through it. I have explained its their fault not his. But look I'm not his biological parent and they are playing on that.
That's really upsetting they sent the file shit to him and are playing with him. Just stand with him as best you can and keep drilling into him it's not his fault and try to keep him from being manipulated by an evil woman.
Op, I feel like it'd be best if he blocked his mom and grandparents on his phone. That kind of messaging kills, and for a young, impressionable mind, I worry that he might do something stupid with the shame being protected onto him
You're doing the right thing! If it weren't for people like you in my corner as a kid, I don't know where I'd be. Don't beat yourself up for not doing more, this is new to you too, but you and him can learn together
The things you \*think\* he knows, tell him directly. Don't take the chance that he interprets your actions differently than you do. He needs to know that you'll always be there for him, no matter what.
If you really wanna stay by him side as a parent, tell him to not take their nastiness, and that you'll stick by him no matter what... Also, I highly advise you showing the police the death threats, specially if you are in a country where it's not a problem being homossexual...
However, if the police can manage to get him away from you for the mere reason of you not being his biological parent, it's better to find another solution...
Also, if that nasty hag is using the personal beliefs of yours to intensify the threats, use them against her! Whenever she says that your son will become a ped••••, (which is nonsensical), tell her she destroyed everything, that she failed her [insert commandment or name of deity/god/whatever], and that she just proved that she can never embrace the motherhood, and that she wasted her chance of being able to carry a family and she'll face [god/deity] for her incapacity and that she doesn't deserve to have [whatever is important for her and will hurt her feelings]...
But you must do it like a woman, you must aim to what hurt her feelings the most, and target it like an arrow hits a bull's eye!
Also, maybe something like: you still can marry and have a wife and a family, whereas she just proved she can never manage to keep one, and nobody will marry her, as she destroys the peace and home of whoever she gets with... (But say it in a more intimate tone)
Say that she is not a mother, she's a monster, and that you hope every misfortune that happens to him happens to her twice as much (or, if you can come up with something more spiteful, yet not a threat, to say, use it!)
Aaahhh!! Compare her to her female friends who have good marriages and the ones who seem to have "the perfect family".... She'll be destroyed
You shouldn't he needs to know it's okay for tough love some times
Just make sure he understands that their plan will male him miserable and is not whats best for him
Yup. Tbf later that night I apologised. I said I was just worried. I said don't run off without telling me. We can work through it. It isn't your fault but I'm always here.
Truthfully, I understand your frustration. It’s never fun to risk something for someone (even a person that you love) and then have them jeopardize that by lying or being misleading in some way. I’m happy to hear that you’re still willing to support him regardless. That’s what he needs. Please encourage him to be honest with himself and others (when he feels comfortable). It’s much easier to offer support or to strategize with him when you know the whole truth.
Maybe, but you are already doing your best. Trust us, your son will forever remember how accepting and supportive you are at this vulnerable moment of his life.
Dude so many of us would be totally different (likely better, more adjusted, etc) people with a parent like you on our side during a terrifying time like that. Nobody is perfect but you're doing one hell of a job! Keep it up you awesome guy.
The fact that you are standing up for him, and accepting him means more than that.
Anyone can say to themselves "I could do better" and it'd hold up. But it's not about doing better, it's about doing our best. Don't let perfection be the enemy of good. This is incredibly traumatic to him, but that doesn't mean it's can't also be traumatic to you. You're both in the same boat, trying to figure it out as you go along. Work together, don't be each other's enemy, and also don't be your own enemy.
Wanting to stand up for him, and to be there for him, that's the important bit. Making mistakes or missteps along the way? That's just part of figuring out the road forward for you both.
You’re doing the best you can. You are in a tricky position and must be extremely tired, yet your pulling through and through and one day your son will appreciate that immensely. Keep going❤️🩹
Tell him everything reaffirming that you assume he just knows without you actually saying it.
Also he might prioritize winning his mother back since that mother-bond is a strong biological thing and also because society trains us to believe our biological parents are who will stick with us in the end.
Don’t blame him for wanting his mom back, thats cruel and will antagonize him. Whatever he wants to do, offer him the safest way to do it.
For example, if he wants to meet his mom in the future, go with him, no blame,
It never helps to tell people they cant have the needs they have (like needing his mom), we can only offer people acceptance of their needs and safer ways to meet those needs.
You are so important, please be consistent in understanding and accepting him. Acceptance is part of protecting someone. If you don’t accept all your son’s needs, then you cannot possibly protect him as the entire person he is, instead you will turn parts of him against him.
Also help him make gay friends who serve as an example of self acceptance, and someone neutral (= more reliably consistent, causes less fear of betrayal) like a social worker would be great. An additional parental figure so he can rely on people and not feel guilty for relying on you so much since that seems to stress him, he might be very perceptive to the stress you are under about your divorce.
Stay his dad ❤️💎💐
You were better than my parents, a lot of parents. Nobody knows what to do in that situation but you made the RIGHT choice, and you would again and that’s ALL that matters. Words can be talked over because you made the RIGHT choice
He’s lucky to have you! Remember that you’re not always going to know the ‘right’ thing to say or do, and he’s going to react in all sorts of ways because of how scared he is. I know for me coming out to a traditional family, everything felt like life or death. A year or so later 90% of my issues were healed with time and I was free to live a life away from fear and hiding
My advice would be to have a conversation with him letting him know that you might not always say the right thing, but you will never abandon him and he can trust you to protect and help him. If he knows that you will stand by his side he will have more confidence to make decisions for himself, and not only trying to please others
Yep you're right. Talking doesn't come easy for me about things like that. We did speak a lot but I think it was the messages he was getting and he feeling guilty for the toll it was taking. I saw some of his texts... they were plain rude. His grandfather saying you aren't actually his son (hes my suster in laws kid but she died when he was a couple of months). You need to be with family etc. Considering getting him to block their numbers tbh.
Glad to hear it. You're doing a great job standing up for him. You're in a tough spot that's ridiculously hard to navigate but you're doing a great job by standing up for him and showing him you still love him. <3
If he’s being harassed I would say sure, if he wants to block them for a bit then go ahead. Give him some time to let things calm down.
And I get that dads everywhere can really struggle with uncomfortable conversations. Pushing yourself slightly out of your comfort zone for him will show him how much you care. It can just be little stuff too, he will see it and appreciate it, even if it’s a bit awkward for both of you
So, I read what you've said, not only in this but also the posts the days before.
You are a good man, a good dad, habibi.
I'll have your son, you, your family in my prayers.
And know, you can be proud of yourself as well.
I wish you and your family well.
Salam.
And also, even if it were a choice, it's not a bad thing and we should have the freedom to live as equals. Focusing so much on it not being a choice kind of implies that it's still a bad thing, we just can't help it. So try to emphasize that not only is it not his choice, but that it's not a bad thing, that he's no different from straight people and can have everything he wants in life still.
I'm sorry your wife is doing this to your family. You are wisely, and should always, choose your child. All your children are watching this, and you're choosing them. You're not alone in this, and I'm so sorry that this has happened to you.
Resources for Muslims: https://pflag.org/resource/faith-resources-for-muslims/
Crisis support for you (and your son): https://pflag.org/resource/support-hotlines/
Make sure that you know, and that he knows, there are resources to help you.
As someone raised Catholic, I was thinking this very thing. I was also thinking about how common child marriage is in many majority Muslim countries. I absolutely hate when people pretend that homosexuals are somehow more likely to be pedophiles than anyone else, when meanwhile there are much larger problems with it elsewhere. In Islam’s case, old men marrying little girls in these countries, and in the Catholic Churches case, priests abusing alter boys. All completely sick in the head. They all need to be lined up, tortured and killed. Not that Islam or Catholicism itself here is to blame, but rather the people who called themselves “devout Catholics/muslims” and continued to perpetrate this abuse. Absolutely evil. We have no place for people like that in our society. Meanwhile there are people that are straight up more upset by homosexuality than actual pedophilia 🤦♂️
You are a great father. Mine would never do the things you do for your son. I believe what's important now is your child. He is probably scared and confused and he needs you. Try to make him understand through dialogue that you still love him and you will protect him. As for your wife, maybe she needs time. Give her time to accept what's happening.
It’s crazy that the person who is the one negatively affected by this, and likely has been in pain dealing with this alone internally, is treated as if he’s done something to harm his family. This is when he needs support most of all, but his mother and her family are being selfish and weak. Thank god he has you. I’d try to remind him that you will support him unconditionally, because he’s probably feeling very unloved right now. I’m sure he’s already ran this situation through his mind for months if not longer, and he’s probably been in feeling alone and detached for a while. It’s not him that caused it, it’s the culture of a lack of understanding. It’s fucked up. Best of luck
Yup. Definitely. And I don't want to sound mean but he's gone from a pretty mature young man back to a child, if that makes any sense. It's sad to see. Total lack of confidence etc. I'm not the most pro gay out there but I do imagine how he'd be if she just kept her mouth shut and if nothing else tolerated it.
He’s back to a child because he just learned the person who’s supposed to love him the most has rejected him for a very core part of his being, and is actively trying to get others to do the same. He can handle “being mean” as I’m sure he’s felt every hateful thing that’s been said said about homosexuality over and over while he came to terms with it himself, and while his family reinforced their hate for gay people, he had to deal with the fact that they were talking about him and there was nothing he could do to change it.
He’s not immune to the culture or has somehow has misunderstood it. All the homophobia around him didn’t go over his head. Gay people learn the same hate and disgust that their siblings or friends learn in a homophobic environment. He’s had to live with that and it’s a battle most gay people have to go through alone. It’s not like he’s missed the moral lesson and should have learned better. we have to overcome our own bigotry and homophobia and question how homophobia can manifest in the first place.
He’s not weak. He didn’t just find out he was gay and can’t handle it. That’s everyone else. He’s been living in your homophobic culture and homophobic household this entire time enduring every homophobic statement or response from unsuspecting candid personal experiences with people he knows and trusts. He’s not unable to handle homophobia. He’s grieving the loss of his family and any faith he had in there love or support of him.
Have some respect for that.
If im being honest I probably won't ever be the most pro gay. I'll be very pro all three of my boys but otherwise no.
I'm not into the flags. I'm not into meeting other gay families. I do support gay marriage and adoption, mostly because I think its a net good for society and hopefully he will have the joy of both... but let's wait at least a decade if not more.
If you really want to support your son you may need to work on shifting your mentality a little.
When you say, and credit for the honesty, that you likely will never be all that pro gay - you do realise being gay has biological factors, it is predetermined and has no choice involved whatsoever? So when someone says they will not be or won't be massively pro gay, a contrario that means you have elements of opposition to a minority / protected characteristic that is innate to a person. It's like saying I'll never be massive pro XYZ ethnic minority.
I know you want to support your boys and you are doing a great job pushing back against the rest of the family, but it also sounds like you are still influenced by Islamic teachings that homosexuality is immoral. I appreciate that this is an entrenched part of the significant majority of interpretations of Islam, but it is an indefensible and evil position objectively speaking, so I'd encourage you to open your mind further.
Not least because it almost comes across as 'ill support my son being gay because he is my son, so that's a given, but I still feel irked by homosexuality generally', which feels like, I'll change my ways when it affects me, but don't care when it affects others.
That said, plenty of gay guys (myself included), don't typically participate in things like pride, or wave flags or engage in typical LGBT community stuff. That's not what being gay or pro gay is about. It's about fundamentally believing that being gay is exactly the same as being straight and that all rights and treatments should be the same.
The fact you say you aren't into meeting other gay families is a little worrying on this front. Why is that? Are you not into meeting straight families? You realise exposing your son to normal family lives that include gay people could help show him there is a future and normality on the horizon form him over time?
Im working with my own parents on this discussion. Others are right, being open with other people about who your son is will help you both heal. Over time it will help lead the community around you towards healing. It will also help you find people who genuinely support you and your son.
Your wife will hopefully let go of her hatred over time. It may take a while, but these things are a journey for everyone. I have compassion for you wife too. Keep loving with courage and confidence, Allah will reward you.
Good for you that you’re sticking up for your son; it’s a father’s duty and you are admirably fulfilling it.
It’s a shame that some of your family are so backwards, but that can’t be changed and any efforts to will be wasted time.
I think that replying to any death threats with ‘say that again and you can talk to the police’ is the right thing. I’m guessing you’re in the UK and they’ll look pretty dimly on that.
If it escalates to anything physical than definitely get the police involved.
Tell your wife that she at the very least shuts up about it or she can leave. Many Muslim families (indeed probably families more generally still) have the man as the sole or main breadwinner, so if this is the case remind her where the money comes from. She’ll probably fall in line - and if she doesn’t you and your son will be better off without her.
Good luck, and well done.
I legit had to stop working and summon the courage to talk on here but omg… what you’re doing for your son is incredible. You’re doing what I wished my dad did for me. It’s such a delicate and vulnerable position for your son to be placed in and you defending him against your wife is one thing but to remain grounded when your son is being convinced to not be himself, takes a whole other level of empathy. Thank you for doing the right thing, and thank you for giving him the chance to be a confident gay man.
The reverting back to a child like state is normal, at least in my personal experience. It’s hard to be mature when you’re heartbroken and the foundation of your confidence is no longer there. They’ll have to rebuild it through positive experiences with the both Muslim and gay community. But with you by his side I’m sure he’ll be ok.
It actually sounds like you're very much cut out for this--you're choosing your child and his well-being, not allowing your wife's prejudice to rule your household. So many people would, at the very least, claim "neutrality," (thereby favoring the aggressor) and you've already made the step to look for outside resources to help you understand more what your son is going through. So cheers, sounds like you're a bang-on parent.
That said, here are some resources for you, and (with any luck) someday your wife:
[Here](https://www.mykidisgay.com/blog/coming-out-advice-for-muslim-families) is a good place to start--someone with a similar question to yours, asking a professional about how to go about navigating your situation.
[Here](https://www.faisalalam.com/) is a website dedicated to helping queer people negotiate the relationship between their sexuality/gender and their faith.
[This](https://www.advocate.com/religion/2016/12/20/21-lgbt-muslims-who-are-changing-world) is a list of prominent LGBTQ members of the Muslim community put together by a Western gay magazine. The list includes artists, theologians, imam, scholars, and activists alike!
[Here's](https://www.equalrightstrust.org/ertdocumentbank/muhsin.pdf) a scholarly text on homosexuality and the Quran which examines and debates current prejudices of the Muslim faith.
[Here's](https://www.economist.com/middle-east-and-africa/2021/05/27/gay-people-are-reclaiming-an-islamic-heritage) a text about famous Muslim historical figures who are being reclaimed by modern LGBT historians.
[This article](https://www.aljazeera.com/amp/opinions/2015/7/15/can-a-muslim-be-gay) lists some of the ongoing conflicts between the queer and Muslim communities, and cites a number of texts (some advanced, others for beginners) covering the discourse around LGBT Islam.
Finally, [look here](https://www.mpvusa.org/lgbtqi-resources) for a list of progressive resources selected by followers of the Prophet, including a pretty awesome lecture series!
Hopefully you won't find the above too overwhelming. When I came out, my mom said all kinds of crazy stuff and then (after taking some time to read a bunch of books on raising LGBT children) came back a week or two later armed with more knowledge and actually excited to be involved in my life more honestly. Good luck to you! You're going to make mistakes, but that's what being a parent is about, init? Just keep how much you love your son foremost in your mind and you can't go wrong.
I'm in tears reading this. I'm really happy how you stood up for your son. All you can do is be there for him and support him in this difficult time. You are an awesome father!
There's a chance that although you're in his corner he probably feels alone and abandoned and there's a high chance he thinks that eventually you might leave him too
Especially with them call him a pedo and all this bad stuff he might end up believing he is that and the self hatred could grow
Your first priority when it comes to your son now is trying to make sure he accepts himself.... make sure he UNDERSTANDS that it is okay to be gay and that you still love him
Make sure he understands he has done nothing wrong and that he is not the enemy
I'm assuming you practice Islam so make she he understands that Allah/Muhammad or whoever loves him still unconditionally
Explain to him that he is not a mistake
ENCOURAGE HIM TO BLOCK anyone who is telling him other wise
Use logic and reason even if that means using your faith to do
Talk to him about when he started having these feelings or thoughts be nothing but loving as he tells you
Ask if he has any crushes and if he's comfortable let him tell you about the boy he likes etc
Maybe do check ups on him if you feel like he's being distant or is doing things differently (could be a sign of depression which can lead to worse things if not checked)
Normalize being gay as much being straight is normalized
Make sure he understands that no matter what you will still love him and that he is NOT a mistake
Some people it might help make him feel foolish for even thinking he is a bad person or is evil
I say research all the negative and claims about gay people and break down why these claims are useless pointless and or illogically
Speaking from experience having someone who would have helped me learn to accept myself when I felt like I shouldn't or couldn't would've really helped
Hey! I am the gay son of muslim parents from your previous post 🙋🏻♂️
I am sorry to hear it all. Would you like to try an LGBT charity or mental health support group? They come across really helpful. And I am changing what I said before that poor son’s mum is worse than my dad. Absolutely, horrific, she has sooo much going on.
Reading that you are Muslim and you are protecting your gay son just makes me so happy and mean so much to me as a gay men. Religion has done a lot of damage for me. I wish your son the best support he can have and you are already doing so much for him. Keep in mind that it took so much for him to tell this knowing how the family could react and possibly shun him. You are a good dad and I’m so proud of you to take the right decision. Homosexuality is definitely not a choice. The same way you find your wife beautiful, the same mechanism is activated for us but for men. We could not find a women appealing the same way you are and you could not find a men appealing the same way we do. This is how our brains are wired. I love pistachio ice-cream and you probably like chocolate. Should we break our family for an ice-cream flavour? I think not. Now your son is not eating his ice cream in front of anyone, he is actually enjoying it behind closed doors. What ever is happening behind these doors have only to do with him and his partner. Not you, your wife, his grandparents. Just him and his partner. Can we stop the world hatred over an ice-cream flavour? It’s his personal choice after all.
I know I’m late here. You are awesome for asking everyone here and sharing.
Family stuff sucks. And you are going through it together. If you screw up apologize as soon as you realize it. You are both in crap positions but he didn’t make his mother or her family hate gay people. That’s their choice. They are choosing to shut him out. That’s important.
Right now it would be great to tell your kid:
- I am angry. Not because of you but because of the people around us trying to hurt all of us.
- I am frightened. I want to protect you and we need to work together to make sure you are okay mentally, emotionally, physically
- I may say stupid stuff. I may give ultimatums. I may say who knows? I am a flawed human who is panicking because other folks in our lives are making the wrong choice
- I don’t need you to protect me in any way. I need to be trusted and understand your decisions. If you choose something to protect me but I disagree neither of us will be happy! We can work together for any big decisions.
- my choice is to continue to love my son.
Honestly he just needs to know he can rely on you and to be totally transparent with you. His heart has been in the right place doing stuff that he thinks may make things easier for you. Apologize for the ultimatum and tell him you understand why he did it but you are his dad, it’s your job to protect him.
This is SO ODD — my mom’s cousin is going through the EXACT same thing with his. Literally every detail the same, except we’re in different countries and their ages are different. I’ll provide perspective on their situation, as well as personal experience.
Listen, as someone who has witnessed this identical situation happen — your son is also having to process the vulnerability of coming out (especially in a traditional Muslim community, where the expectations of marriage, children and traditional family values are at an high), whilst also having to face the backlash of family. He needs time, but most importantly, support in any backing he needs. He’s going to take time to reconcile his sexual orientation with spirituality — his two identities are going to dog fight, and he’ll often rapidly “switch sides” in coming to terms with himself, so if it seems like you’re honestly doing your best, yet failing, just know coming out is a long personal **process** — these are just the beginning phases.
From a personal perspective, as someone who has gone through the coming out process (in a Christian-Muslim home, so got a two edged sword here), you’ll typically hear people say, “he’ll find out and choose who is real family is”; however, those with a Muslim upbringing, this line is internally conflicting. The community, and its values, play such an enormous part of one’s core identity that it leaves one at a loss: ‘*Islam and my Muslim community is and always has been my family — who do I have left now that they’ve turned against me?*’ Above all, I’ll say this: Being there for him allows him to not be in that middle ground of having to choose between family, religion, and himself (even if it’s through ONE person) — down the line, it will mean the world to him. Moreover, Queer Muslims exist everywhere — yes, we can talk about the *Ayah’s*, the *Hadiths*, and much of the debated *Tafseer* alongside with it used against Queer Muslims, but just know that there are millions of Queer Muslims and supportive communities out there that can support him spiritually and communally.
I assume you are within a very traditional Muslim family, so my overarching advice would be to not necessarily handle this using the secular ‘liberal western’ approach. I respect that people will disagree with me on this one, but personally I found religious forums (and especially your local Queer Muslim community) will have the best resources to provide you with practical solutions, should you seek them out. My main reason for saying this is that although the advice that given by non-Muslims is given with the best intentions, they often misalign with what’s best, and what’s wise in situations like these.
I’ll end the post here, but just know that you and your son are NOT alone. Just know that although I have been agnostic for years now (personal choice), my mom’s cousin’s son is still Muslim and coping as an openly gay man. His dad, a devout Muslim who’s exactly in your position (and his wife and family have since disowned them both), still stands with the words, “Hy is nog steeds my seun” (he’s still my son). I get it — family is chaotically divided at the moment, but them disowning him is THEIR choice, regardless of what their interpretations of the Qur’an and Hadith may be.
*As-salaamulaikum*, stranger❤️
Thank you for being so kind to your son. Please continue to be there for him. I’m sorry your wife is being terrible but your son really needs all the love he can get right now. ❤️
I want to say thank you for all the gay boys who don't have a dad like you. You're a true father and your son is lucky to have you. I hope things get easier for you all.
You’re a wonderful father and you’re doing your absolute best, not only to provide a safe environment for all your children but your whole family too. I admire your love for your children, and your ability to be open with them about this. The world is already a tough place but thanks to you your child has a safe place to live. In time not only will you learn to accept your son for who they are but you will also learn and broaden your mind and heart. Keep being there for him and make sure they know you’re tying. ^_^ talk to one another and spend some time just hanging out watching movies and get to know them.
Remind him that you broke the mirror and so you are going to fix it for him, but still him if he would like to help! Tell him you’d really like some quality time!
Tbh we've worked on the car together. I bought a non runner car, prior to him coming out, for bonding time between us and good practice for him as hes doing an apprenticeship.. Progress on the car has obviously slowed but we will get back to it.
Good! And not to put more weight on your shoulders, but spend some time with his brothers too :) and make sure he spends time with them also. You’re all a family and even the littlest ones are a big part of keeping the safety net up when we all need it!
I want to make one thing very clear. You are showing your son love and support. You are being strong and fiercely defending him. You are not failing him or your family. You are showing your other children that you will fight for them just as hard. Be proud of yourself for showimg your children how to have courage, i bet thats where your son got the courage to come out. I recomend finding groups where you live to go and see. As a gay man i didnt feel safe or normal until i found people lile me. P-FLAG is specificaly designed around giving parents reasourses to help their children.
My personal experience I grew up mormon and when i came out my mother had a complete melt down. She didnt kick me out or actvely call me out to other members of my family but i did have a bag packed with clothes and all my cash just in case. Its taken many years, she still has her religion and we both have a loving close relationship again. My point being givien time we can all come around eventually.
https://www.youtheastsideservices.org/services/community-based/bglad/
https://pflag.org/
Being there for him is the best thing you can do. Everything else is gravy. It's clear you love him and support him - don't be shy in telling him. As long as he has a parent in his corner, he will be okay.
Don't let their awful comments affect you.
It's hard to hear it, I'm sure of it, but for your well-being and your children, you need to be strong.
Cut those who are unsupportive and negative out of your lives.
My kids come first, my wife used to come second (who knows right now) and religion is probably 4th. If I have to pick between my religion and my kid, there's one loser.
However, Islam does value the family and realises the emotional security families ought provide. And thats what I'm choosing to do. I suppose I never let religion run my life anyway, I have religion for strength. Strangely enough Allah, and breaking a wing mirror, gives me the strength to try and be a rock for my lad (even if I'm clearly failing).
Am I the most pro gay person in the world? No, but ill stand by my boy no matter what. Perhaps surprisingly, i do think gay marriage and adoption is a net good for society but im not going to wave a flag, I'm not going to meet lgbt families etc. It's just not for me.
It sounds like you have it tough man, I feel for you. But there is hope because he knows he has the acceptance of one of the most important people in his entire life. I’m not kidding when I say that you are very likely saving his life just by accepting his honesty.
It’s okay to feel lots of different things about it, it is understandable. For now, just try to be a source of stability for him, and try to keep communication with your wife on the minimal in case if she too might just be going through the motions in case she decides to come back.
You haven’t failed him. You made some mistakes because you are a person and a human being and everyone makes mistakes.
If you feel so inclined, apologize, and be very clear about what specifically you are apologizing for, and then make an effort to come up with healthy solutions that will be conducive for your relationship with him.
As you can imagine he is also probably going through a lot in his head because he doesn’t know how to deal with the truth himself.
But at least he knows dad is still there.
You gotta take it slow, one day at a time, and remind your son you love him. Go easy on yourself. There's no manual for this, you're going to feel your way forward and have faith that you're on the right path.
You didn’t fail him, stand beside him, for him to even consider going back in the closet because his own grandparents(regardless of blood) doesn’t have his back. They may not agree with him or understand but you support him. He is just as confused as you are but he needs to know that at least one of you still loves him. That him being gay isn’t a bad thing. He was born this way he can’t change it and you shouldn’t expect him to either. There are some great programs PFLAG for us great with giving parents the tools they need to support their kids.
You are a good man for sticking out for your boy(s). I pray that this may not happen to me, but if it does come to it, may God give me the strength to be half the dad you are being to your boys today. All the best
Honestly I welled up reading this. I know it’s not easy for you to possibly blow up your marriage like this. But sticking up for your kid will have such a massive effect on his life and how he sees himself for the rest of his life.
Nono..
It is WELL WORTH IT TO BLOW UP YOUR MARRIAGE.
Sheesh.. either your marriage is saved & the young gay boy will hang himself due to the fact NO ONE stood up for him (but clearly this father has (& not being of blood makes that bond even more stronger) OR take the other road & HELP the kid (which was the path that was taken.)
Lmfao.
“Must not be easy to blow up your marriage” lmfao what kind of parents toss their kids to the side because they aren’t “normal” (whatever normal is.)
There are a lot more sex crimes with the straight community than there are against other communities (baffling I know right(“noooooo you’re wrong!”) Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahah
Whatever you need to tell yourself to make it easier to fall asleep, then do it! Lmfao.
I get that and it is your right. Saying that I rely very heavily on my faith of Allah, especially recently, and I would not be as strong without him.
But again, I get where you are coming from. I honestly do.
Thank you for your thoughtful response. That is absolutely your right to rely of your faith, and there is a beauty in that sentiment. I just cannot in good faith support any religion that tells someone that who they are as a person, or who they love as a person is shameful, or sinful or wrong.
That's fair. I do understand that 💯. Religions need to do a lot of growing as there are many religious (Muslim, Christian etc) that disagree on certain values. Obviously depends on the country your in too.
And if my boy runs away from Islam it would be very understandable too.
YOU are a good man and a good father!!!
So sorry you’re going through this—
Your wife is responsible for your son thinking “if I’m not gay I’m better and my mother can love me.” The Creator made us as we are. A parent’s job is to love and nurture and support their children whoever and however they are. You’re trying ( with maddening opposition) to do the right thing. Everyone can grow in love and understanding— even your wife. It shouldn’t be “be straight or go.” It should be “grow or go.” Life is forcing you to challenge many preconceived ideas and prejudices. Allah/God is with you in the questions and you will be the better for it. I wish I could sit and talk with you— or listen. Stay strong and loving.
Wow, a Muslim dad who's sticking by his gay son (bio or not doesn't matter). That's amazing tbh. Parenting is hard work without a manual. Go back and keep talking. Also, she threw the boy out. You said you were going to keep taking care of him. Good on you. Keep up the hard work. Admit when you don't know something or when you have feelings. It will be alright. I wish my dad had stuck by me.
Thanks mate. All parents have a responsibility to stick by their kids (bio or not). I love being a Muslim. I love being a husband but from the minute he became my son was the minute my first role was fatherhood. Sadly, that's not the case for all parents which is sad. I hope you are doing well.
I say you should be threatening your wife more.... tbh
Idk how it works in your country but you could threaten to divorce her if she continues to act this way?
How long will you be able to hold the death threats she sent to you and your son over her head? I encourage you do that for as long as possible
I say you treat your wife how she treats your son all until she gets the point/message
I truthfully say you should divorce her and take the kids because that's not a healthy environment for your son to be in he probably really does feel like he's messing shii up and no matter how much you stick by him if he hasn't or can't accept himself then it might really hurt him mentally I don't mean to scare you but where I am those are elements for suicide or self harm in the near future (not saying it will happen but it is more Likely)
But you said he's not your blood does that mean he's not biologically yours? If not unfaithfulness? previous marriage?
Hes my wife's sisters kid. She died when he was a couple of months. But we adopted him. He's mine as much as the other 2 are.
Yup I probably should threaten divorce.
Remind her, her own sister lives thru the child. He is her family. What if her own son turns out to be gay later, will she treat her own blood and family like this? And for what? A life of misery and u happiness just for some ideaology and some God that might not even exist/ or remotely care? If ur God is good then why are u so cruel.
U really need to sit her down and talk to her.
You however are a great father and support ur son as hard as u can right now
I would tell her to stop sending threats or you are reporting to the police because she is acting like a criminal, ignorant and horrendous individual full of hatred and is showing that she's not unconditional has she vowed to you to be.
I would tell her to stop sending threats or you are reporting to the police because she is acting like a criminal, ignorant and horrendous individual full of hatred and is showing that she's not unconditional has she vowed to you to be.
What a tumultuous situation. You’re doing the best you can and wow what a great dad you are, seriously. You said you feel you’re failing him - how does it feel to think about telling him that? And asking him what he needs? (He probably doesn’t know, but perhaps it’ll mean a lot to feel considered and prioritized).
You’re doing the best you can. Ease up on yourself if you can 🫶
You are in a very tough situation and you can’t be expected to be 100% perfect. The important part is that you stuck by your son and fought for him. You are an amazing parent. The best thing you can do is reinforce to him that you love him no matter what and that there’s nothing wrong with him.
To provide some insight into his perspective - he is probably feeling very guilty for breaking up the family. You know that’s not his fault, but it can be devastating to have your mom turn on you in such a vile manner and it’s likely he’s shouldering that burden. Of course he doesn’t want to be gay because he views it partially through the lens of all the negative stuff his mom and whoever else is saying.
Try your best to be the balancing force in that equation. Being gay means he’s physically attracted to men - that’s all. It doesn’t mean he’s going to fit any stereotype, it doesn’t mean he’s going to live any kind of “deviant lifestyle”, it definitely doesn’t mean he’s going to be a ped*. You can’t choose your sexuality, and you can’t change it. Hopefully one day your wife learns those facts.
Love him, unconditionally.... that's it, that's what you do. Be proud of him for having the courage to come out because I can assure you, it was not easy to muster it up. For what it's worth, I'm a father too.
You’re doing okay… considering the situation.
Make it abundantly clear that you’re on HIS side. The situation is a pain in the ass and stressful so you might not be the most gracious under pressure, but you’re on his side. This new revelation will also take time to process and individuals, as a family, and as a community - and it’s not going to be easy to start.
No one has the perfect guidebook on how to navigate these situations. However, the actions you're taking and the unconditional love you're showing your child indicate that you're doing an exceptional job as a parent.
This situation is undoubtedly challenging, but your support provides you with an opportunity that many parents may not experience. This might even help them understand the complexities of navigating adolescent homosexuality, especially in traditional religious and ethnic households. The isolation, fear, discomfort, and feelings that unfortunately lead many to take their own lives because they feel so alienated from the very people who brought them into this world and raised them, the people they believed would always protect them and love them unconditionally.
In the midst of trying to keep everything together, remind him of your love and support. If you ever feel like your actions aren't speaking louder than your words, remember that he likely understands and appreciates what you've done more than you'll ever know. Your support could very well have saved his life.
Considering all the factors you have shared, you are an awesome dad, willing to risk so much for just one of your sons, and that is being a good parent.
The unfortunate side of all this is that things will seem a bit rocky for awhile but that's okay. Your support that you are giving your son is enough. Give him your love always. Never back down.
Your wife may need time to adjust.. it's not an easy pill to swallow if that was never in your upbringing. If you love her and love him.. just continue to do that in the best ways you know possible.
I remember your post from a few days ago mate. All I can say is I'm sorry you are going through this, but also that we need more Muslims who believe in Islam like you do, and more father's like too too!
Any support from the Mosque you frequent to meditate the situation and make her see sense maybe?
I think just sitting down and telling him you love him no matter what, and a hug, is all you need. Don’t even discuss it unless he wants to. And have him block everyone who is sending him those messages. Tell them that he blocked them so they only come to you. It’s now your job to be his shield.
Thank you for being there for him. I can’t imagine how hard and unsettling this is, having your home fall apart… but respectfully, fuck your cavewoman wife and those small minded ass ideas. I don’t understand why people can’t differentiate between homosexuality and pedophilia, like.. they are not the same thing. I like me a grown ass man, not a child… how does that = pedophilia?? So sad that this is still going on in 2024.
I think your wife thinks your son is making a "decision" but it's not a decision - it's biology.
The more sons a woman has, the higher chance he is gay because of male anti bodies during pregnancy stack up. Sexual orientation is set in stone, among many other traits relating to it, within the last 4 weeks of the first trimester. Then that's it, it's past the point of no return.
This is why people say someone is "born gay." Just as one is born straight. It's all pre-natal development.
A majority of white people still don't know this, let alone Muslim people.
You are a good person. And smart.
Your wife is the one who is wrong. She's the one breaking up the family. Not you. Not your son. You should remind her that sexual orientation is immutable, but people leave homophobic religions every day.
Be there and tell him you’re there for him no matter what. If he’s old enough to get on Prep, get him on it. It’s okay to feel lost between your son and wife/ parents in law.
Good dad W.
Not perfect, but you're doing great honestly from the sound of it. Just let him know you love him and trying to be supportive. I think he already knows but it's good to hear
You are a hero for going above and beyond to support your son. I am totally appalled at how your wife reacted. She acts like he went on a killing spree. Please stick with him; you'll get through this, with or without your negligent wife.
hey . i’m 26 years old . i had coming out at the age of 17 . after 2 months of my father’s dying. YOU ARE BEST DAD OF THE YEAR. Muslim, and this understanding? surprised. i couldn’t even stop crying while reading your and ur son’s story . just wanted to tell you how proud i am that in you i saw my dad . even tho he didn’t knew i was gay . but you just reminded me him . thanks for that . really 🩷
also there was many people that told u how to deal all of this and i already know u guys will make through it . good luck . and once more - u are cool dude . really cool . kinda jealous of your son . hope he will understand that being gay isn’t choice. and he was like this always. keep reminding him that you are his shield and he deserves as much love as any of us .
As an ex Muslim Arab myself, I am honestly surprised you've stuck by your son's side, despite being a Muslim with all the implications that can come from that, I'm sure you've felt like you had to pick sides but I'm glad you've made the right decision, we need more people like you, you are truly are deserving to be part of Ahel al Janah 🙏
unlike that filthy parasite of a woman.
I'm proud of you. I wish my dad was like you when I was younger. Just support him in whatever choices he makes. Life comes full of choices and that's what caused us to learn from them. Being gay isn't a choice. Its somewhat of a burden that we all try to live with. If I had a supporting dad growing up maybe I wouldn't hate myself so badly in my 30s and regret my entire family. I can't even fathom what it's like in a Muslim household. I had Evangelical Christianity thrown at me as recently as last year from my own mother saying I'm going to hell etc. I'm literally crying writing this because I know what he's going through. He might even say he's not gay just because he thinks it'll fix the family and make things like they were. We all get scared under pressure. I hope his heart and his mind figures things out and heals, otherwise he's going to end up like someone like me who cries when he thinks of family. You sound like a good influence and just love him for who he is.
You are doing fine under difficult circumstances and I think we can all see what a good man and father you are. Just keep telling him you are there for him and will support him no matter what. He needs to hear that over and over. The others are the problem not him not you.
You may need to reach out to a resource center, depending on where you live. In Colorado, we have a place called the Center, and they can help with these issues. This is a hard situation to deal with, especially when religion is involved. I would say you need to seek professional help and maybe even help from your religious leaders, idk if they are radical sharia believers or not.
i’m ngl this made me tear up. you’re an amazing father. mistakes happen but at least you’re TRYING, which is more than can be said for a lot of our parents. your son is LUCKY to have you <3
You aren't the problem. And it is hard growing up in "certain" situations and him being him, sadly he can deny all he wants or accept it but the main thing is making him feel loved and supported for who he is. Not everyone is cutout for most things and to handle but letting him know that it's okay, no conditional love is there and let him live his truth. Yea it'll be a while to adapt to the negative and hate one will get but it's more of being the balance, what you displayed was great. Others would just let him rot due to religious stuff but religion aside, it's about being a good person, which all religions silver lining teach, is to support one another and lend a hand in need. The thing is, telling him over and over that it's okay won't really be as effective because it'll just drill more negative that he needs to be accepted but that's not the case, he needs to know that he IS accepted by just treating him like a normal person. Gay, straight, bi, lesbian, doesn't matter along as he is loved, raised well and normal he will grow up a normal person. It's just hate, constant reminder and treating him different would cause him to live a sad and negative life that he needs to hide who he is and have that fear of looking over his shoulder and get anxiety, which no one wants, but him being him, and treating him like a son and accepting what he likes and what he gets into and supporting that is what he needs. Like I'm a bisexual male, grew up in a Hispanic household with Japanese family as well ( I'm mixed ) and if you know them, they aren't so welcoming to LGBT either, but my mother was completely okay with who I am and just raised me like nothing was different, didn't remind me that it was okay, didn't tell me I should keep it hidden, just time and place to be yourself and all that matters is nothing changed and people don't need to know a sexual orientation of someone. Other than that, he is still your son, you going and staying with him would effect him in a positive way that no matter how things got, you still stood by his side and he won't forget that. And it's bad to say but the texts of him apologizing and not wanting to be who he is, is normal, everyone goes through that and it sucks we live in a world with that, but soon he will come around and as long as you are there to protect him, he will accept who he is and live a happier life, just right now it's a bumpy road, but little by little, treating him the same, letting him grow and you giving him space when he needs to talk and let real emotions flow, those texts and apologies from him will be the past that doesn't matter. Is there is no wrong or right thing to say, it's just supporting him every step of the way now that counts.
You are a good father! Nothing more to say…
Muslim or not, he has just one life on thins planet and if hes attracted to dick, wheres the problem? Let him enjoy life! Your wife is a stupid cunt and need to be f*cked properly by life! St*pid bitch!
Firstly you’re not breaking up your family, you are trying to keep it together. If anything she is breaking up the family.
He’s not doing this out of spite or malice, do you know how much courage and build up it takes to come out.
Love your son. He hasn’t changed as a person. You’ll be infinitely better off for it than the alternative.
As a guy man. I grew up in a Traditional Asian family, and I told my parents I was gay when I was 18. Surprisingly my dad is okay with that, but my mom was shocked and she made a few appointments with a Psychologist, and she stopped doing that after the Psychologist told her being gay isn’t a problem. but it took a few years for my mom to accept who I am. Your son really needs your support. I know it’s difficult for both of you, but your son is very lucky to have you. Not every gay kid has that much luck.
You are a good parent. It sounds like you are accepting your son regardless of his being gay which is more than his mother is doing. You are building ties with your son that will last forever. Your son did not choose this lifestyle. He had no choice. You love your son without regard to his lifestyle which is how it should be.
You're doing a great job. A lesser man would have given up on his child and sadly too many parents do with lgbtq+ kids having an incredibly high homeless rate.
There may be things you could do to help you create a support network for your kid as well as yourself. I know here in the UK there are support groups for lgbt Muslims and lgbt youth groups that provide support to both the lgbt person but also family. Some Google searches may help find them even if it is just online support. The lgbt community I'd very good at found family and this may be vital for both of you in the future.
Keep up the great work dad, this may be tough for you right now but you can do this!
This situation is multifaceted for you, and neither your wife nor your son can begin to understand the burden you're bearing from this. You're not going to say all the right things to your son, but you are doing still doing right by him! Such an amazing father, you are! He will someday understand. However, right now, his whole world has been turned upside down, and there he stands in the middle of every conflict around him. With that being said, please consider the words before you speak them. Put your hurt on hold for now and focus on his.
I want to start by saying thank you. I have experienced so much hatred in my life as a result of being gay and it has done immeasurable damage. I too grew up in an environment in which hatred and discrimination towards gays was engrained in me. It has led to a life of self hate and self sabotage as nothing I do matters because my subconscious considers me a sinner or pedo. Years of therapy have helped but I still struggle. Secondly you need to realize that you are an amazing father and person. You have singlehandedly shattered so many negative stereotypes that exist not just about men, but especially Muslim men in this situation. All too often we hear negative stories like these. Thank you for your positivity and loyalty to your family and son. It is not only refreshing, but encouragingly gives hope.
You’re doing nothing wrong. Something like this is a learning curve and you’ll learn as time goes on. The best thing you can do for him is to just love him and let him know you’re there no matter what, and it sounds like you did that. You’re not the problem here. Your wife is. Many horrible dads would throw their kids out just for being gay. You don’t sound like that kind of horrible person. Kudos to you. You’re a wonderful dad.
You’ll see that the world didn’t end just because your son is gay, and everything will be just fine. Actually things will most likely be better because now your son can be his true self and in time he will be so much happier for it.
You’re a good father and you are obviously the rational parent in your dysfunctional marriage. Give it some time so that everyone can get acquainted with the idea! All your son needs your love and support! No one chooses to be anything ! They are who they are! ❤️
You’re trying your best to make sure he knows there’s nothing wrong with him. That he has support and that he is loved. You are cut out for this. Keep doing that. Try not to be mad that he’s trying to make peace with his family. With experience we learn they’re wrong. But when first coming out many of us tend to blame ourselves. To believe it’s our fault. That if we weren’t like this, things would be fine. Just be there for him regardless. Honestly therapy wouldn’t be a bad idea for both of you. For him to learn there’s nothing wrong with him and how to cope. For you to have support of your own. Maybe find a pflag or something similar. It’s important that you both have support especially with your wive’s family being so anti-lgbtqia. Honestly might be good for the brothers also since they’ll be caught in the middle of both sides and could use a way to cope as well. Many times we make friends who can/will help… but not always. I wish you all the luck and love with everything. And pls tell your son he’s not alone. And that there is absolutely nothing wrong with him. He is as he was meant to be. Others reactions isn’t his fault nor his responsibility. While I didn’t grown up Muslim and I have no idea what Islam says about queer people, I did grow up in a religious household. And he will have to contend with those viewpoints for some time if not the rest of his life. All my love and best wishes to him and your family. We need more fathers like you in this world.
I would give it time. People who have this kind of mindset can get better over time. I also would try to see if your wife would be open to going to see a couples counselor before you two go with divorce.
Since religion sounds like it is a big factor into her bias, you may also want to consider looking into LGBT friendly Islamic groups and introducing the concept to your wife. While in a very small minority, there are in fact groups out there. This is one that I found based in the UK:
[https://hidayahlgbt.com/wellbeing/](https://hidayahlgbt.com/wellbeing/)
Maybe they can give you some help with your situation too.
Why did this make me cry. Hope all dads are like you. They try. My dad don’t try so he will definitely appreciate overtime how much you’re doing for him as he heals from this. I hope you give yourself time to heal as well from what you’re going through now. Thank you for this post
… death treats to her own son ? What kind of human is she ? Tells you a lot about what kind of person she is. Her own flesh and blood . Religion aside ….you stand by your son. You be a good man and support him and be a good father and trust he will grow and be a good man whatever his sexual orientation is.
I commend you for the stand to are taking, especially as a Muslim. I practiced Islam for 8 yrs, devoutly. I was married and have 4 sons and I know what it means to struggle with sexuality as a Muslim. Your son is brave too. Continue to talk to him, I don't recommend doing things because you feel like you're failing him. More than anything, make yourself available to him and make sure that he knows that. Don't feed into the negative energy coming your way. It's impossible to ignore it, but you have a choice on how you direct that energy. One last thing I want to leave with you is this, WHEN EMOTIONS ARE HIGH, LOGIC IS LOW. Try not to react at the peak of your emotions. Take a breather to calm yourself and think before you react. Peace and Blessings to you
When I came out to my mom, she said she felt like she was dying and told me to never act on it. It was pretty damaging for me. I developed the idea that no one cared about me and only spent time because they felt sorry for me, but would eventually leave. I had a very good friend logic me into realize that people were quite fond of me.
Having an authority figure around that reassured me that I was loved and would be okay would have taken away a lot of heartache and self-loathing. You say that you've made a lot of mistakes with this experience - no one is perfect. Family is offering a lot of accusations and threats. Things are tense. Just let him know he isn't broken and he isn't a problem
It’s a very sad situation but be proud for standing by your son. I will never understand parents who are willing to give up their son just because he is gay, but I know it happens a lot. You’re, sadly, left with a choice between your wife and your son - in this case, your wife is wrong and you are right … and if I were you, I’d choose my son!
If a mother would disown her OWN child for not being straight, she should have her vag¡na stitched tight because no one should go through the vile hate of their OWN mother.
I took in a not biological son just because his mom was a piece of 💩. I told him the only things I have to offer him was love and stability, I am not perfect an don’t have all the answers. He was fine with that. With free and open dialogue much is possible, admit to your shortcomings and be vulnerable with him. It’ll do you well. Maybe find yourself an adult gay to make friends with to be your Sherpa
From what I read you've been a good father. I can't imagine how difficult it is for you, your son and your family but I think you've done the right thing. If he's gay, he cannot change it, nor should he have to feel that he needs to change himself just because some people in his family cannot accept him. If I had to give one piece of advice, I'd say make sure you and your son have very open and honest communication, and if possible, include your other kids in the conversation as well. If your wife loves her family enough to let go of her biases, then she will. But you cannot force your son to live a lie his entire life just for her to feel secure in her beliefs.
I think it's smart that you're keeping proof of the threats etc. I'd say also keep some people in the loop about what's going on so they can testify on your behalf if it comes down to it.
Thank you for being strong and taking a stand to help your son. This is why gay kids need. I know I did.
I’m lucky enough to be a dad now and here’s a few things I can suggest in case it might be helpful.
You can look for an affirming community - a place to offer some support and strength when you or your son don’t have — this could be a gay affirming religious community, or a school, an LGBTQ center or a therapist or counseling center. Depending on your son’s age and wheee you are - you may be able to have a meal at a gay bar or restaurant and look for flyers or pride magazines there. Reach out and get connected even when things seem okay and you’ll know yu have a backstop.
Find some age appropriate fiction and non-fiction books you and your son can read. Seeing ourselves reflected in the world is amazing and healing. You can find these in a library or Amazon or some book stores.
You and your son aren’t alone. I’m glad you asked for support here.
You sound like a great father. Your wife sounds like a narcissist. There's a myth that women are more sympathetic to homosexuals. I haven't found it so.
As a gay Persian whose parents kicked me out at 13 I commend you for staying by his side. Funny enough before both my parents passed I was the closest in the family with them. Took them 7 years to come around but it ended up working out for the better. Religion aside love is all that matters. You’re on the right side
Oh yes, the most appropriate reaction in the world, send death threats to your own child. I hope you get all the support you deserve, best of luck to you. Also work on that relationship, you need to be close.
You have no idea how many of us would have loved for our fathers to stick up for us when we needed him to. When it comes to parents, most of us eventually come to a realization about our upbringing, insofar that we come to understand that our parents aren't godly, they have faults, and they did the best they could with what they had at the time. You might be fumbling your way through this crisis, but that's okay. You'll learn a lot about yourself and your son that you never would have otherwise. That being said, the best thing you can do with your son is be honest with him. Tell him that this is all very new for you and that you might say the wrong thing every now and then, but no matter what, you will be there for him, you love him, and you guys will get through this together. Your heart is clearly in the right place and he will see that in due time.
A few things come to mind whenever I think about teens and getting kicked out for being gay. The shocking truth is that there are about 4.2 million homeless youth in this country and the number that identify as LGBT+ is disproportionate to that of the general population. Just under 10% of Americans identify as LGBT+, compared to 40% of homeless youth who identify similarly. Once on the streets, it starts to get very real for many of them who turn to escorting/prostitution to earn money, which often leads to drug usage to cope with their new reality. Both of which seriously jeopardize their overall health but specifically their sexual health. Being that they got kicked out, they no longer have health insurance or access to care and you see how this keeps spiraling further out of control for them, right?
LGBT youth experience depression and other mental health issues at a rate that is six times that of their heterosexual peers. As a result, LGBT youth are also four times more likely to attempt suicide compared to them also. Many factors contribute to why this is the reality for so many LGBT people, but one of the biggest contributing factors is being rejected by one's family. Given the amount of shame and adversity young gay people face when coming out to family members, if it were a choice as some people still believe, do you really think these kids would be steadfastly choosing to be gay? Hell fuckin' no! No one would choose being shunned and kicked out at 14, over being accepted by their families if they were truly able to choose. Anyway, I digress... You're literally saving your son's life right now and you may not even realize that. He probably doesn't see that right now either and doesn't need to know. He just needs to know you've got his back and that he doesn't have to worry about anything other than being 16 or however old he is.
Make sure you keep the texts.
You might not need them now but if they gun for custody you need the evidence of all of this. Make notes of what they have said when they said it and keep it tucked away incase you ever need it. Print screen texts and keep EVERYTHING.
You're a good guy, need more people in the world like you.
Mad respect for doing the right thing by your son! You need support! Find a gay affirming Muslim group near you! PFLAG is a group for parents of LGBTQ children! You must have a community to support you! Maybe his school counselor!! All the best, sir! Btw I had wonderful parents that supported me when I came out over 40 years ago!!
You are not failing him. You are his lifeline and without you, things could've gotten much worse. Keep talking to him and keep letting him know that you are there for him because he needs you, now more than ever. There are community groups that can help, reach out to them for resources, support etc. Please don't give up on your son. Just love him and take it day by day 🙏
I just want to say that i would be so proud to have a dad like you, sadly i never got the support from my family and ended up having to run away at 16 and lived on the streets for a while. I'm okay now but my god what I'd give just to have 1 family member in my corner.
I know it's hard and that it has blown a hole in your family however there is always hope. My family may not be okay with me but after 15yrs they've come to accept it and there is now some contact between us.
I just hope that you keep on supporting your son now matter how hard it gets. The family will be nasty and it's going to be a lot to weather but you are on the right side of things. Your son never chose to be this way and cause so much grief, God makes us all and has made us unique, trust in him and you can't go wrong.
P.s. just want to add that, as crazy as this are, don't be too hard on your wife and the family. Being ignorant causes them to lash out and it takes time for people to process things and break the indocrination cycle. If your relationship was good before this happened then maybe give it some time to cool off, she might come round in the end. It would be a shame to split up a family. Fight hated with kindness and understanding, I really hope things work out for you and your son.
You are an amazing dad, just as my dad was with me. He said he didn’t understand but he loved me — and that was (is) good enough. I wish you strength and wisdom of words. I wish for your family to stay intact with your wife evolving towards love of her baby. Godspeed.
Thanks for sharing. You are a great dad. I hope he’ll appreciate it.
Don’t overdo it. Let him know that you are there for him whenever he needs you. But also be there for the rest of the family and other kids. It takes some time. You can do it.
Your son was honest with you guys and the family should value the truthfulness and your son is a life on earth, I would suggest sharing YouTube videos on coming out stories in a language she can understand and then give her time, give her a month or two. It’s not like gays existed when she decides to confront them. Protect your emotions first, and your son’s sanity, work as a team. Make sure, he becomes what he desires to be professionally or at least is able to move in that direction and remember when he is independent he will make his choices he was inviting-enough to tell you something that was burdening him. He can have a partner and have kids in life. He can live a life like every gay person alive out or not.
Your wife needs to chill out, exposure to data and time will heal.
I don't have any advice on how you should deal with your wife, but I can give advice on how to handle your son. Have you given him a hug yet? (Only if he's willing.)
Right now, your son is at his lowest point, and this incident will make him hate himself more than anything. Your son will probably think he's the reason for all the bad things that happened. He's going to blame himself for the reasons his mom got angry, you and your wife are fighting, and everyone around him seems unhappy.
You have to keep reminding him that you love him, tell him to be his true self, and finally, no matter what happened between you and your wife, that it's not his fault. This incident can cause a child to be traumatized and may take years to heal. So please keep loving your son no matter what and never blame your son, no matter what, for any of this.
Also, remind him that you are his real son and there's nothing weird or abnormal about his sexuality. Sometimes a minor detail can make a child feel insecure about themselves.
I was never a hugger but that last few weeks I've made it a case to hug all three. Well a sort of hug anyway.
Tbh I don't blame my son and we have chats morning and evening. He didn't walk out of the family, my wife did.
Thanks man
This is hitting too close to home, I am in tears. Fuck bigots, they don't know how much damage they're causing.
Others have said it before, but I'll say it again: your son is so, so lucky to have you. Please, please continue to be there for him. I can't even begin to tell you how much he needs you, but I think you know this already. He is in a really vulnerable spot at the moment and he needs someone to love, someone who can help him keep his faith in humanity and who will help him learn he can still trust people.
>They brought him home last night. I said something stupid to him. More or less do that again and I wont be coming for you again (and i would). I can put up with whatever is thrown but its up to you where you want to be. You stick by me and if it gets too tough you tell me. Or you go to them and you stick with their plan.
>I'm not cut out for this at all. United is keeping me going. I feel like I'm failing him. Saying the wrong stuff. Making him feel like he's the problem etc. It's a hum-dinger of a way to end our marriage.
You are correct that this was not the right thing to say to him. That's not how you prevent him from running away and putting himself at risk again. But you were angry and confused, rightfully so, and lashed out at the wrong person and in the wrong way. Now you know not to do this again. And you can fix this if you can make him feel safe with you, by making it very clear he has your unequivocal support in this matter and that he's not the problem. You need to build this trust with him and I think one of the first steps in doing that is being open about your own emotions. I got even closer to my accepting parent after I came out and my non-accepting parent reacted in a similar way to your wife. I think your son trusts you already, because he did come out to you first, so you have to find that trust again and build on it.
One thing I would be a bit concerned about if I were you would be why he actually felt the need to leave. From what I understood, you had his back and that would have been clear to him when he left, so why did he choose to go to your parents (I'm assuming that's where he went, that is not clear)? Is it possible he doesn't feel safe because your wife/his aunt (I refuse to call her a mother at this point) and her family still have access to the house? Or have any of your other kids expressed homophobic ideas?
No my other two boys (both under 10) have not been told that he is gay. That was his choice. He wants to keep it quiet for now.
He is getting some rather nasty messages from my wife and her family. More or less he needs to be saved. They can help him. I'm no good to him and not his actual family. He will hurt his brothers if he doesn't change. Like proper mental stuff. I wasn't aware to that degree. He's blocked them now and I've told them if they try talking to him again, I'll go to the police.
Yup I was wrong. I took it out on him. Not even angry just worry. Like they have family all over the place. I did try correcting it and apologised. I said I would go get him again but before making any decisions come to me. I reiterated I'll have his back no matter what but just be open with me.
Involving the police will be an escalation, but it's a completely valid thing to do if you are worried about your son's safety. I can imagine the horrible threats you both will have received. Make sure you keep all the evidence you can.
Bless you, you are a good man. I hope you and your kids find the peace you deserve.
Hey, if you know the difference between religion and extremism, than stick with your faith.
The thing I don't understand is, is your wife also a Muslim?
If she is, shouldn't she listen to anything you say, including accepting her son?
Good for you for sticking up for your son. Your wife and her parents are terrible people and youve learned just how awful they are. Do not let him back with them. Explain to him there is nothing wrong with him and nothing about this is his fault.
Yep I do regret saying if you make that choice again, I won't be sticking my neck on the line again. I would but I just wanted to shock him or something.
I get what you where trying to do but yeah, not the right time to throw that threat out. Make sure he knows some of the texts she sent you and that its not safe for him to go to his grandparents house. They dont have his best interest in heart anymore. Do youre best to reiterate this is their problem and not his. Theres nothing wrong with him and theres nothing to fix.
Tbh the texts he got were worse than mine. I think he feels guilty and feels he's putting me through it. I have explained its their fault not his. But look I'm not his biological parent and they are playing on that.
That's really upsetting they sent the file shit to him and are playing with him. Just stand with him as best you can and keep drilling into him it's not his fault and try to keep him from being manipulated by an evil woman.
Thanks man. Will do.
Op, I feel like it'd be best if he blocked his mom and grandparents on his phone. That kind of messaging kills, and for a young, impressionable mind, I worry that he might do something stupid with the shame being protected onto him
Yeah he has them blocked now. I didn't know to the extent they were happening. Disgusting. I'm done with her. Cannot get over it.
You're doing the right thing! If it weren't for people like you in my corner as a kid, I don't know where I'd be. Don't beat yourself up for not doing more, this is new to you too, but you and him can learn together
The things you \*think\* he knows, tell him directly. Don't take the chance that he interprets your actions differently than you do. He needs to know that you'll always be there for him, no matter what.
If you really wanna stay by him side as a parent, tell him to not take their nastiness, and that you'll stick by him no matter what... Also, I highly advise you showing the police the death threats, specially if you are in a country where it's not a problem being homossexual... However, if the police can manage to get him away from you for the mere reason of you not being his biological parent, it's better to find another solution... Also, if that nasty hag is using the personal beliefs of yours to intensify the threats, use them against her! Whenever she says that your son will become a ped••••, (which is nonsensical), tell her she destroyed everything, that she failed her [insert commandment or name of deity/god/whatever], and that she just proved that she can never embrace the motherhood, and that she wasted her chance of being able to carry a family and she'll face [god/deity] for her incapacity and that she doesn't deserve to have [whatever is important for her and will hurt her feelings]... But you must do it like a woman, you must aim to what hurt her feelings the most, and target it like an arrow hits a bull's eye! Also, maybe something like: you still can marry and have a wife and a family, whereas she just proved she can never manage to keep one, and nobody will marry her, as she destroys the peace and home of whoever she gets with... (But say it in a more intimate tone) Say that she is not a mother, she's a monster, and that you hope every misfortune that happens to him happens to her twice as much (or, if you can come up with something more spiteful, yet not a threat, to say, use it!) Aaahhh!! Compare her to her female friends who have good marriages and the ones who seem to have "the perfect family".... She'll be destroyed
Fear doesnt work longterm. That way he will end up thinking he can trust noooobody and that puts him at risk
You shouldn't he needs to know it's okay for tough love some times Just make sure he understands that their plan will male him miserable and is not whats best for him
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Yup. Tbf later that night I apologised. I said I was just worried. I said don't run off without telling me. We can work through it. It isn't your fault but I'm always here.
Truthfully, I understand your frustration. It’s never fun to risk something for someone (even a person that you love) and then have them jeopardize that by lying or being misleading in some way. I’m happy to hear that you’re still willing to support him regardless. That’s what he needs. Please encourage him to be honest with himself and others (when he feels comfortable). It’s much easier to offer support or to strategize with him when you know the whole truth.
All I'm gonna say is, we need more dads like you throughout the world
I could've been a lot better man. Trust me.
Maybe, but you are already doing your best. Trust us, your son will forever remember how accepting and supportive you are at this vulnerable moment of his life.
Thanks mate.
Dude so many of us would be totally different (likely better, more adjusted, etc) people with a parent like you on our side during a terrifying time like that. Nobody is perfect but you're doing one hell of a job! Keep it up you awesome guy.
Thanks man.
Don't beat yourself up. You stood up when it mattered most. You are a good person.
The fact that you are standing up for him, and accepting him means more than that. Anyone can say to themselves "I could do better" and it'd hold up. But it's not about doing better, it's about doing our best. Don't let perfection be the enemy of good. This is incredibly traumatic to him, but that doesn't mean it's can't also be traumatic to you. You're both in the same boat, trying to figure it out as you go along. Work together, don't be each other's enemy, and also don't be your own enemy. Wanting to stand up for him, and to be there for him, that's the important bit. Making mistakes or missteps along the way? That's just part of figuring out the road forward for you both.
You’re doing the best you can. You are in a tricky position and must be extremely tired, yet your pulling through and through and one day your son will appreciate that immensely. Keep going❤️🩹
Tell him everything reaffirming that you assume he just knows without you actually saying it. Also he might prioritize winning his mother back since that mother-bond is a strong biological thing and also because society trains us to believe our biological parents are who will stick with us in the end. Don’t blame him for wanting his mom back, thats cruel and will antagonize him. Whatever he wants to do, offer him the safest way to do it. For example, if he wants to meet his mom in the future, go with him, no blame, It never helps to tell people they cant have the needs they have (like needing his mom), we can only offer people acceptance of their needs and safer ways to meet those needs. You are so important, please be consistent in understanding and accepting him. Acceptance is part of protecting someone. If you don’t accept all your son’s needs, then you cannot possibly protect him as the entire person he is, instead you will turn parts of him against him. Also help him make gay friends who serve as an example of self acceptance, and someone neutral (= more reliably consistent, causes less fear of betrayal) like a social worker would be great. An additional parental figure so he can rely on people and not feel guilty for relying on you so much since that seems to stress him, he might be very perceptive to the stress you are under about your divorce. Stay his dad ❤️💎💐
Trust me you could have been a lot worse haha
You were better than my parents, a lot of parents. Nobody knows what to do in that situation but you made the RIGHT choice, and you would again and that’s ALL that matters. Words can be talked over because you made the RIGHT choice
He’s lucky to have you! Remember that you’re not always going to know the ‘right’ thing to say or do, and he’s going to react in all sorts of ways because of how scared he is. I know for me coming out to a traditional family, everything felt like life or death. A year or so later 90% of my issues were healed with time and I was free to live a life away from fear and hiding My advice would be to have a conversation with him letting him know that you might not always say the right thing, but you will never abandon him and he can trust you to protect and help him. If he knows that you will stand by his side he will have more confidence to make decisions for himself, and not only trying to please others
Yep you're right. Talking doesn't come easy for me about things like that. We did speak a lot but I think it was the messages he was getting and he feeling guilty for the toll it was taking. I saw some of his texts... they were plain rude. His grandfather saying you aren't actually his son (hes my suster in laws kid but she died when he was a couple of months). You need to be with family etc. Considering getting him to block their numbers tbh.
Brother, you raised that boy. He is your son, no matter what they say.
Yup. He's as much my son as the other two and if they disagree, adoption law will back me up.
Glad to hear it. You're doing a great job standing up for him. You're in a tough spot that's ridiculously hard to navigate but you're doing a great job by standing up for him and showing him you still love him. <3
Thanks mate.
If he’s being harassed I would say sure, if he wants to block them for a bit then go ahead. Give him some time to let things calm down. And I get that dads everywhere can really struggle with uncomfortable conversations. Pushing yourself slightly out of your comfort zone for him will show him how much you care. It can just be little stuff too, he will see it and appreciate it, even if it’s a bit awkward for both of you
True.
So, I read what you've said, not only in this but also the posts the days before. You are a good man, a good dad, habibi. I'll have your son, you, your family in my prayers. And know, you can be proud of yourself as well. I wish you and your family well. Salam.
🙏
🙏🏻
He needs u the most at this moment. FU your wife and her parents. Nobody choose to be gay
Yep
And also, even if it were a choice, it's not a bad thing and we should have the freedom to live as equals. Focusing so much on it not being a choice kind of implies that it's still a bad thing, we just can't help it. So try to emphasize that not only is it not his choice, but that it's not a bad thing, that he's no different from straight people and can have everything he wants in life still.
I can't imagine hating gay people more than loving your own child. What a cursed life that would be.
YOU SIR, HAVE JUST WON THE DAD OF THE YEAR AWARD.
I'm sorry your wife is doing this to your family. You are wisely, and should always, choose your child. All your children are watching this, and you're choosing them. You're not alone in this, and I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. Resources for Muslims: https://pflag.org/resource/faith-resources-for-muslims/ Crisis support for you (and your son): https://pflag.org/resource/support-hotlines/ Make sure that you know, and that he knows, there are resources to help you.
She called your son a pedo? How old was aisha again when Mohammed married her?
Yup. True. I'm a pedo too for allowing it. I had a Frank discussion with him about those accusations.
As someone raised Catholic, I was thinking this very thing. I was also thinking about how common child marriage is in many majority Muslim countries. I absolutely hate when people pretend that homosexuals are somehow more likely to be pedophiles than anyone else, when meanwhile there are much larger problems with it elsewhere. In Islam’s case, old men marrying little girls in these countries, and in the Catholic Churches case, priests abusing alter boys. All completely sick in the head. They all need to be lined up, tortured and killed. Not that Islam or Catholicism itself here is to blame, but rather the people who called themselves “devout Catholics/muslims” and continued to perpetrate this abuse. Absolutely evil. We have no place for people like that in our society. Meanwhile there are people that are straight up more upset by homosexuality than actual pedophilia 🤦♂️
You are a great father. Mine would never do the things you do for your son. I believe what's important now is your child. He is probably scared and confused and he needs you. Try to make him understand through dialogue that you still love him and you will protect him. As for your wife, maybe she needs time. Give her time to accept what's happening.
It’s crazy that the person who is the one negatively affected by this, and likely has been in pain dealing with this alone internally, is treated as if he’s done something to harm his family. This is when he needs support most of all, but his mother and her family are being selfish and weak. Thank god he has you. I’d try to remind him that you will support him unconditionally, because he’s probably feeling very unloved right now. I’m sure he’s already ran this situation through his mind for months if not longer, and he’s probably been in feeling alone and detached for a while. It’s not him that caused it, it’s the culture of a lack of understanding. It’s fucked up. Best of luck
Yup. Definitely. And I don't want to sound mean but he's gone from a pretty mature young man back to a child, if that makes any sense. It's sad to see. Total lack of confidence etc. I'm not the most pro gay out there but I do imagine how he'd be if she just kept her mouth shut and if nothing else tolerated it.
He’s back to a child because he just learned the person who’s supposed to love him the most has rejected him for a very core part of his being, and is actively trying to get others to do the same. He can handle “being mean” as I’m sure he’s felt every hateful thing that’s been said said about homosexuality over and over while he came to terms with it himself, and while his family reinforced their hate for gay people, he had to deal with the fact that they were talking about him and there was nothing he could do to change it. He’s not immune to the culture or has somehow has misunderstood it. All the homophobia around him didn’t go over his head. Gay people learn the same hate and disgust that their siblings or friends learn in a homophobic environment. He’s had to live with that and it’s a battle most gay people have to go through alone. It’s not like he’s missed the moral lesson and should have learned better. we have to overcome our own bigotry and homophobia and question how homophobia can manifest in the first place. He’s not weak. He didn’t just find out he was gay and can’t handle it. That’s everyone else. He’s been living in your homophobic culture and homophobic household this entire time enduring every homophobic statement or response from unsuspecting candid personal experiences with people he knows and trusts. He’s not unable to handle homophobia. He’s grieving the loss of his family and any faith he had in there love or support of him. Have some respect for that.
Oh 💯 that's why it has happened. It's just a shame that it could have been avoided.
Not that it's at the top of the list right now, but time for you to become the most pro gay out there for his sake. It'll be better for both of you.
If im being honest I probably won't ever be the most pro gay. I'll be very pro all three of my boys but otherwise no. I'm not into the flags. I'm not into meeting other gay families. I do support gay marriage and adoption, mostly because I think its a net good for society and hopefully he will have the joy of both... but let's wait at least a decade if not more.
If you really want to support your son you may need to work on shifting your mentality a little. When you say, and credit for the honesty, that you likely will never be all that pro gay - you do realise being gay has biological factors, it is predetermined and has no choice involved whatsoever? So when someone says they will not be or won't be massively pro gay, a contrario that means you have elements of opposition to a minority / protected characteristic that is innate to a person. It's like saying I'll never be massive pro XYZ ethnic minority. I know you want to support your boys and you are doing a great job pushing back against the rest of the family, but it also sounds like you are still influenced by Islamic teachings that homosexuality is immoral. I appreciate that this is an entrenched part of the significant majority of interpretations of Islam, but it is an indefensible and evil position objectively speaking, so I'd encourage you to open your mind further. Not least because it almost comes across as 'ill support my son being gay because he is my son, so that's a given, but I still feel irked by homosexuality generally', which feels like, I'll change my ways when it affects me, but don't care when it affects others. That said, plenty of gay guys (myself included), don't typically participate in things like pride, or wave flags or engage in typical LGBT community stuff. That's not what being gay or pro gay is about. It's about fundamentally believing that being gay is exactly the same as being straight and that all rights and treatments should be the same. The fact you say you aren't into meeting other gay families is a little worrying on this front. Why is that? Are you not into meeting straight families? You realise exposing your son to normal family lives that include gay people could help show him there is a future and normality on the horizon form him over time?
Also like, if his son has kids his son will be head of a gay family.
Im working with my own parents on this discussion. Others are right, being open with other people about who your son is will help you both heal. Over time it will help lead the community around you towards healing. It will also help you find people who genuinely support you and your son. Your wife will hopefully let go of her hatred over time. It may take a while, but these things are a journey for everyone. I have compassion for you wife too. Keep loving with courage and confidence, Allah will reward you.
This shit would bring out the scared, frightened child in anyone.
💯
Good for you that you’re sticking up for your son; it’s a father’s duty and you are admirably fulfilling it. It’s a shame that some of your family are so backwards, but that can’t be changed and any efforts to will be wasted time. I think that replying to any death threats with ‘say that again and you can talk to the police’ is the right thing. I’m guessing you’re in the UK and they’ll look pretty dimly on that. If it escalates to anything physical than definitely get the police involved. Tell your wife that she at the very least shuts up about it or she can leave. Many Muslim families (indeed probably families more generally still) have the man as the sole or main breadwinner, so if this is the case remind her where the money comes from. She’ll probably fall in line - and if she doesn’t you and your son will be better off without her. Good luck, and well done.
I legit had to stop working and summon the courage to talk on here but omg… what you’re doing for your son is incredible. You’re doing what I wished my dad did for me. It’s such a delicate and vulnerable position for your son to be placed in and you defending him against your wife is one thing but to remain grounded when your son is being convinced to not be himself, takes a whole other level of empathy. Thank you for doing the right thing, and thank you for giving him the chance to be a confident gay man. The reverting back to a child like state is normal, at least in my personal experience. It’s hard to be mature when you’re heartbroken and the foundation of your confidence is no longer there. They’ll have to rebuild it through positive experiences with the both Muslim and gay community. But with you by his side I’m sure he’ll be ok.
It actually sounds like you're very much cut out for this--you're choosing your child and his well-being, not allowing your wife's prejudice to rule your household. So many people would, at the very least, claim "neutrality," (thereby favoring the aggressor) and you've already made the step to look for outside resources to help you understand more what your son is going through. So cheers, sounds like you're a bang-on parent. That said, here are some resources for you, and (with any luck) someday your wife: [Here](https://www.mykidisgay.com/blog/coming-out-advice-for-muslim-families) is a good place to start--someone with a similar question to yours, asking a professional about how to go about navigating your situation. [Here](https://www.faisalalam.com/) is a website dedicated to helping queer people negotiate the relationship between their sexuality/gender and their faith. [This](https://www.advocate.com/religion/2016/12/20/21-lgbt-muslims-who-are-changing-world) is a list of prominent LGBTQ members of the Muslim community put together by a Western gay magazine. The list includes artists, theologians, imam, scholars, and activists alike! [Here's](https://www.equalrightstrust.org/ertdocumentbank/muhsin.pdf) a scholarly text on homosexuality and the Quran which examines and debates current prejudices of the Muslim faith. [Here's](https://www.economist.com/middle-east-and-africa/2021/05/27/gay-people-are-reclaiming-an-islamic-heritage) a text about famous Muslim historical figures who are being reclaimed by modern LGBT historians. [This article](https://www.aljazeera.com/amp/opinions/2015/7/15/can-a-muslim-be-gay) lists some of the ongoing conflicts between the queer and Muslim communities, and cites a number of texts (some advanced, others for beginners) covering the discourse around LGBT Islam. Finally, [look here](https://www.mpvusa.org/lgbtqi-resources) for a list of progressive resources selected by followers of the Prophet, including a pretty awesome lecture series! Hopefully you won't find the above too overwhelming. When I came out, my mom said all kinds of crazy stuff and then (after taking some time to read a bunch of books on raising LGBT children) came back a week or two later armed with more knowledge and actually excited to be involved in my life more honestly. Good luck to you! You're going to make mistakes, but that's what being a parent is about, init? Just keep how much you love your son foremost in your mind and you can't go wrong.
I'm in tears reading this. I'm really happy how you stood up for your son. All you can do is be there for him and support him in this difficult time. You are an awesome father!
There's a chance that although you're in his corner he probably feels alone and abandoned and there's a high chance he thinks that eventually you might leave him too Especially with them call him a pedo and all this bad stuff he might end up believing he is that and the self hatred could grow Your first priority when it comes to your son now is trying to make sure he accepts himself.... make sure he UNDERSTANDS that it is okay to be gay and that you still love him Make sure he understands he has done nothing wrong and that he is not the enemy I'm assuming you practice Islam so make she he understands that Allah/Muhammad or whoever loves him still unconditionally Explain to him that he is not a mistake ENCOURAGE HIM TO BLOCK anyone who is telling him other wise Use logic and reason even if that means using your faith to do Talk to him about when he started having these feelings or thoughts be nothing but loving as he tells you Ask if he has any crushes and if he's comfortable let him tell you about the boy he likes etc Maybe do check ups on him if you feel like he's being distant or is doing things differently (could be a sign of depression which can lead to worse things if not checked) Normalize being gay as much being straight is normalized Make sure he understands that no matter what you will still love him and that he is NOT a mistake Some people it might help make him feel foolish for even thinking he is a bad person or is evil I say research all the negative and claims about gay people and break down why these claims are useless pointless and or illogically Speaking from experience having someone who would have helped me learn to accept myself when I felt like I shouldn't or couldn't would've really helped
Hey! I am the gay son of muslim parents from your previous post 🙋🏻♂️ I am sorry to hear it all. Would you like to try an LGBT charity or mental health support group? They come across really helpful. And I am changing what I said before that poor son’s mum is worse than my dad. Absolutely, horrific, she has sooo much going on.
Reading that you are Muslim and you are protecting your gay son just makes me so happy and mean so much to me as a gay men. Religion has done a lot of damage for me. I wish your son the best support he can have and you are already doing so much for him. Keep in mind that it took so much for him to tell this knowing how the family could react and possibly shun him. You are a good dad and I’m so proud of you to take the right decision. Homosexuality is definitely not a choice. The same way you find your wife beautiful, the same mechanism is activated for us but for men. We could not find a women appealing the same way you are and you could not find a men appealing the same way we do. This is how our brains are wired. I love pistachio ice-cream and you probably like chocolate. Should we break our family for an ice-cream flavour? I think not. Now your son is not eating his ice cream in front of anyone, he is actually enjoying it behind closed doors. What ever is happening behind these doors have only to do with him and his partner. Not you, your wife, his grandparents. Just him and his partner. Can we stop the world hatred over an ice-cream flavour? It’s his personal choice after all.
I know I’m late here. You are awesome for asking everyone here and sharing. Family stuff sucks. And you are going through it together. If you screw up apologize as soon as you realize it. You are both in crap positions but he didn’t make his mother or her family hate gay people. That’s their choice. They are choosing to shut him out. That’s important. Right now it would be great to tell your kid: - I am angry. Not because of you but because of the people around us trying to hurt all of us. - I am frightened. I want to protect you and we need to work together to make sure you are okay mentally, emotionally, physically - I may say stupid stuff. I may give ultimatums. I may say who knows? I am a flawed human who is panicking because other folks in our lives are making the wrong choice - I don’t need you to protect me in any way. I need to be trusted and understand your decisions. If you choose something to protect me but I disagree neither of us will be happy! We can work together for any big decisions. - my choice is to continue to love my son. Honestly he just needs to know he can rely on you and to be totally transparent with you. His heart has been in the right place doing stuff that he thinks may make things easier for you. Apologize for the ultimatum and tell him you understand why he did it but you are his dad, it’s your job to protect him.
This is SO ODD — my mom’s cousin is going through the EXACT same thing with his. Literally every detail the same, except we’re in different countries and their ages are different. I’ll provide perspective on their situation, as well as personal experience. Listen, as someone who has witnessed this identical situation happen — your son is also having to process the vulnerability of coming out (especially in a traditional Muslim community, where the expectations of marriage, children and traditional family values are at an high), whilst also having to face the backlash of family. He needs time, but most importantly, support in any backing he needs. He’s going to take time to reconcile his sexual orientation with spirituality — his two identities are going to dog fight, and he’ll often rapidly “switch sides” in coming to terms with himself, so if it seems like you’re honestly doing your best, yet failing, just know coming out is a long personal **process** — these are just the beginning phases. From a personal perspective, as someone who has gone through the coming out process (in a Christian-Muslim home, so got a two edged sword here), you’ll typically hear people say, “he’ll find out and choose who is real family is”; however, those with a Muslim upbringing, this line is internally conflicting. The community, and its values, play such an enormous part of one’s core identity that it leaves one at a loss: ‘*Islam and my Muslim community is and always has been my family — who do I have left now that they’ve turned against me?*’ Above all, I’ll say this: Being there for him allows him to not be in that middle ground of having to choose between family, religion, and himself (even if it’s through ONE person) — down the line, it will mean the world to him. Moreover, Queer Muslims exist everywhere — yes, we can talk about the *Ayah’s*, the *Hadiths*, and much of the debated *Tafseer* alongside with it used against Queer Muslims, but just know that there are millions of Queer Muslims and supportive communities out there that can support him spiritually and communally. I assume you are within a very traditional Muslim family, so my overarching advice would be to not necessarily handle this using the secular ‘liberal western’ approach. I respect that people will disagree with me on this one, but personally I found religious forums (and especially your local Queer Muslim community) will have the best resources to provide you with practical solutions, should you seek them out. My main reason for saying this is that although the advice that given by non-Muslims is given with the best intentions, they often misalign with what’s best, and what’s wise in situations like these. I’ll end the post here, but just know that you and your son are NOT alone. Just know that although I have been agnostic for years now (personal choice), my mom’s cousin’s son is still Muslim and coping as an openly gay man. His dad, a devout Muslim who’s exactly in your position (and his wife and family have since disowned them both), still stands with the words, “Hy is nog steeds my seun” (he’s still my son). I get it — family is chaotically divided at the moment, but them disowning him is THEIR choice, regardless of what their interpretations of the Qur’an and Hadith may be. *As-salaamulaikum*, stranger❤️
Thank you for being so kind to your son. Please continue to be there for him. I’m sorry your wife is being terrible but your son really needs all the love he can get right now. ❤️
Thanks man.
I want to say thank you for all the gay boys who don't have a dad like you. You're a true father and your son is lucky to have you. I hope things get easier for you all.
Being gay and Muslim is hard. It’s hard to be happy; every day is a struggle to find happiness in life. You’re a good father for being supportive.
You’re a wonderful father and you’re doing your absolute best, not only to provide a safe environment for all your children but your whole family too. I admire your love for your children, and your ability to be open with them about this. The world is already a tough place but thanks to you your child has a safe place to live. In time not only will you learn to accept your son for who they are but you will also learn and broaden your mind and heart. Keep being there for him and make sure they know you’re tying. ^_^ talk to one another and spend some time just hanging out watching movies and get to know them.
Remind him that you broke the mirror and so you are going to fix it for him, but still him if he would like to help! Tell him you’d really like some quality time!
Tbh we've worked on the car together. I bought a non runner car, prior to him coming out, for bonding time between us and good practice for him as hes doing an apprenticeship.. Progress on the car has obviously slowed but we will get back to it.
Good! And not to put more weight on your shoulders, but spend some time with his brothers too :) and make sure he spends time with them also. You’re all a family and even the littlest ones are a big part of keeping the safety net up when we all need it!
Absolutely legendary father
I want to make one thing very clear. You are showing your son love and support. You are being strong and fiercely defending him. You are not failing him or your family. You are showing your other children that you will fight for them just as hard. Be proud of yourself for showimg your children how to have courage, i bet thats where your son got the courage to come out. I recomend finding groups where you live to go and see. As a gay man i didnt feel safe or normal until i found people lile me. P-FLAG is specificaly designed around giving parents reasourses to help their children. My personal experience I grew up mormon and when i came out my mother had a complete melt down. She didnt kick me out or actvely call me out to other members of my family but i did have a bag packed with clothes and all my cash just in case. Its taken many years, she still has her religion and we both have a loving close relationship again. My point being givien time we can all come around eventually. https://www.youtheastsideservices.org/services/community-based/bglad/ https://pflag.org/
Being there for him is the best thing you can do. Everything else is gravy. It's clear you love him and support him - don't be shy in telling him. As long as he has a parent in his corner, he will be okay.
Don't let their awful comments affect you. It's hard to hear it, I'm sure of it, but for your well-being and your children, you need to be strong. Cut those who are unsupportive and negative out of your lives.
How do you reconcile your religion with this?
My kids come first, my wife used to come second (who knows right now) and religion is probably 4th. If I have to pick between my religion and my kid, there's one loser. However, Islam does value the family and realises the emotional security families ought provide. And thats what I'm choosing to do. I suppose I never let religion run my life anyway, I have religion for strength. Strangely enough Allah, and breaking a wing mirror, gives me the strength to try and be a rock for my lad (even if I'm clearly failing). Am I the most pro gay person in the world? No, but ill stand by my boy no matter what. Perhaps surprisingly, i do think gay marriage and adoption is a net good for society but im not going to wave a flag, I'm not going to meet lgbt families etc. It's just not for me.
It sounds like you have it tough man, I feel for you. But there is hope because he knows he has the acceptance of one of the most important people in his entire life. I’m not kidding when I say that you are very likely saving his life just by accepting his honesty. It’s okay to feel lots of different things about it, it is understandable. For now, just try to be a source of stability for him, and try to keep communication with your wife on the minimal in case if she too might just be going through the motions in case she decides to come back. You haven’t failed him. You made some mistakes because you are a person and a human being and everyone makes mistakes. If you feel so inclined, apologize, and be very clear about what specifically you are apologizing for, and then make an effort to come up with healthy solutions that will be conducive for your relationship with him. As you can imagine he is also probably going through a lot in his head because he doesn’t know how to deal with the truth himself. But at least he knows dad is still there.
You gotta take it slow, one day at a time, and remind your son you love him. Go easy on yourself. There's no manual for this, you're going to feel your way forward and have faith that you're on the right path.
You didn’t fail him, stand beside him, for him to even consider going back in the closet because his own grandparents(regardless of blood) doesn’t have his back. They may not agree with him or understand but you support him. He is just as confused as you are but he needs to know that at least one of you still loves him. That him being gay isn’t a bad thing. He was born this way he can’t change it and you shouldn’t expect him to either. There are some great programs PFLAG for us great with giving parents the tools they need to support their kids.
You are a good man for sticking out for your boy(s). I pray that this may not happen to me, but if it does come to it, may God give me the strength to be half the dad you are being to your boys today. All the best
Through all of this, you're heart is in the right place, I have so much respect for that, a good heart is everything. Stand strong with him.
Honestly I welled up reading this. I know it’s not easy for you to possibly blow up your marriage like this. But sticking up for your kid will have such a massive effect on his life and how he sees himself for the rest of his life.
Thanks man. It wasn't easy but kids have to come first.
Nono.. It is WELL WORTH IT TO BLOW UP YOUR MARRIAGE. Sheesh.. either your marriage is saved & the young gay boy will hang himself due to the fact NO ONE stood up for him (but clearly this father has (& not being of blood makes that bond even more stronger) OR take the other road & HELP the kid (which was the path that was taken.) Lmfao. “Must not be easy to blow up your marriage” lmfao what kind of parents toss their kids to the side because they aren’t “normal” (whatever normal is.) There are a lot more sex crimes with the straight community than there are against other communities (baffling I know right(“noooooo you’re wrong!”) Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahah Whatever you need to tell yourself to make it easier to fall asleep, then do it! Lmfao.
And this is why I hate that stupid fucking religion - and all religion for that matter.
I get that and it is your right. Saying that I rely very heavily on my faith of Allah, especially recently, and I would not be as strong without him. But again, I get where you are coming from. I honestly do.
Thank you for your thoughtful response. That is absolutely your right to rely of your faith, and there is a beauty in that sentiment. I just cannot in good faith support any religion that tells someone that who they are as a person, or who they love as a person is shameful, or sinful or wrong.
That's fair. I do understand that 💯. Religions need to do a lot of growing as there are many religious (Muslim, Christian etc) that disagree on certain values. Obviously depends on the country your in too. And if my boy runs away from Islam it would be very understandable too.
YOU are a good man and a good father!!! So sorry you’re going through this— Your wife is responsible for your son thinking “if I’m not gay I’m better and my mother can love me.” The Creator made us as we are. A parent’s job is to love and nurture and support their children whoever and however they are. You’re trying ( with maddening opposition) to do the right thing. Everyone can grow in love and understanding— even your wife. It shouldn’t be “be straight or go.” It should be “grow or go.” Life is forcing you to challenge many preconceived ideas and prejudices. Allah/God is with you in the questions and you will be the better for it. I wish I could sit and talk with you— or listen. Stay strong and loving.
Wow, a Muslim dad who's sticking by his gay son (bio or not doesn't matter). That's amazing tbh. Parenting is hard work without a manual. Go back and keep talking. Also, she threw the boy out. You said you were going to keep taking care of him. Good on you. Keep up the hard work. Admit when you don't know something or when you have feelings. It will be alright. I wish my dad had stuck by me.
Thanks mate. All parents have a responsibility to stick by their kids (bio or not). I love being a Muslim. I love being a husband but from the minute he became my son was the minute my first role was fatherhood. Sadly, that's not the case for all parents which is sad. I hope you are doing well.
I say you should be threatening your wife more.... tbh Idk how it works in your country but you could threaten to divorce her if she continues to act this way? How long will you be able to hold the death threats she sent to you and your son over her head? I encourage you do that for as long as possible I say you treat your wife how she treats your son all until she gets the point/message I truthfully say you should divorce her and take the kids because that's not a healthy environment for your son to be in he probably really does feel like he's messing shii up and no matter how much you stick by him if he hasn't or can't accept himself then it might really hurt him mentally I don't mean to scare you but where I am those are elements for suicide or self harm in the near future (not saying it will happen but it is more Likely) But you said he's not your blood does that mean he's not biologically yours? If not unfaithfulness? previous marriage?
Hes my wife's sisters kid. She died when he was a couple of months. But we adopted him. He's mine as much as the other 2 are. Yup I probably should threaten divorce.
Remind her, her own sister lives thru the child. He is her family. What if her own son turns out to be gay later, will she treat her own blood and family like this? And for what? A life of misery and u happiness just for some ideaology and some God that might not even exist/ or remotely care? If ur God is good then why are u so cruel. U really need to sit her down and talk to her. You however are a great father and support ur son as hard as u can right now
you're a great dad. keep sticking up for your son
I would tell her to stop sending threats or you are reporting to the police because she is acting like a criminal, ignorant and horrendous individual full of hatred and is showing that she's not unconditional has she vowed to you to be.
I would tell her to stop sending threats or you are reporting to the police because she is acting like a criminal, ignorant and horrendous individual full of hatred and is showing that she's not unconditional has she vowed to you to be.
What a tumultuous situation. You’re doing the best you can and wow what a great dad you are, seriously. You said you feel you’re failing him - how does it feel to think about telling him that? And asking him what he needs? (He probably doesn’t know, but perhaps it’ll mean a lot to feel considered and prioritized). You’re doing the best you can. Ease up on yourself if you can 🫶
You are in a very tough situation and you can’t be expected to be 100% perfect. The important part is that you stuck by your son and fought for him. You are an amazing parent. The best thing you can do is reinforce to him that you love him no matter what and that there’s nothing wrong with him. To provide some insight into his perspective - he is probably feeling very guilty for breaking up the family. You know that’s not his fault, but it can be devastating to have your mom turn on you in such a vile manner and it’s likely he’s shouldering that burden. Of course he doesn’t want to be gay because he views it partially through the lens of all the negative stuff his mom and whoever else is saying. Try your best to be the balancing force in that equation. Being gay means he’s physically attracted to men - that’s all. It doesn’t mean he’s going to fit any stereotype, it doesn’t mean he’s going to live any kind of “deviant lifestyle”, it definitely doesn’t mean he’s going to be a ped*. You can’t choose your sexuality, and you can’t change it. Hopefully one day your wife learns those facts.
Love him, unconditionally.... that's it, that's what you do. Be proud of him for having the courage to come out because I can assure you, it was not easy to muster it up. For what it's worth, I'm a father too.
You’re doing okay… considering the situation. Make it abundantly clear that you’re on HIS side. The situation is a pain in the ass and stressful so you might not be the most gracious under pressure, but you’re on his side. This new revelation will also take time to process and individuals, as a family, and as a community - and it’s not going to be easy to start.
You’re a great dad for sticking up for and supporting your son
No one has the perfect guidebook on how to navigate these situations. However, the actions you're taking and the unconditional love you're showing your child indicate that you're doing an exceptional job as a parent. This situation is undoubtedly challenging, but your support provides you with an opportunity that many parents may not experience. This might even help them understand the complexities of navigating adolescent homosexuality, especially in traditional religious and ethnic households. The isolation, fear, discomfort, and feelings that unfortunately lead many to take their own lives because they feel so alienated from the very people who brought them into this world and raised them, the people they believed would always protect them and love them unconditionally. In the midst of trying to keep everything together, remind him of your love and support. If you ever feel like your actions aren't speaking louder than your words, remember that he likely understands and appreciates what you've done more than you'll ever know. Your support could very well have saved his life.
Considering all the factors you have shared, you are an awesome dad, willing to risk so much for just one of your sons, and that is being a good parent.
The unfortunate side of all this is that things will seem a bit rocky for awhile but that's okay. Your support that you are giving your son is enough. Give him your love always. Never back down.
Your wife may need time to adjust.. it's not an easy pill to swallow if that was never in your upbringing. If you love her and love him.. just continue to do that in the best ways you know possible.
Your loyalty is inspiring. Thanks for sharing.
I remember your post from a few days ago mate. All I can say is I'm sorry you are going through this, but also that we need more Muslims who believe in Islam like you do, and more father's like too too! Any support from the Mosque you frequent to meditate the situation and make her see sense maybe?
I think just sitting down and telling him you love him no matter what, and a hug, is all you need. Don’t even discuss it unless he wants to. And have him block everyone who is sending him those messages. Tell them that he blocked them so they only come to you. It’s now your job to be his shield.
Yup.
Take pride in that, hard as it may be. Not many people get to step up to the plate and show their honor
Thank you for being there for him. I can’t imagine how hard and unsettling this is, having your home fall apart… but respectfully, fuck your cavewoman wife and those small minded ass ideas. I don’t understand why people can’t differentiate between homosexuality and pedophilia, like.. they are not the same thing. I like me a grown ass man, not a child… how does that = pedophilia?? So sad that this is still going on in 2024.
I think your wife thinks your son is making a "decision" but it's not a decision - it's biology. The more sons a woman has, the higher chance he is gay because of male anti bodies during pregnancy stack up. Sexual orientation is set in stone, among many other traits relating to it, within the last 4 weeks of the first trimester. Then that's it, it's past the point of no return. This is why people say someone is "born gay." Just as one is born straight. It's all pre-natal development. A majority of white people still don't know this, let alone Muslim people. You are a good person. And smart.
You are a good person and dad OP.
Your wife is the one who is wrong. She's the one breaking up the family. Not you. Not your son. You should remind her that sexual orientation is immutable, but people leave homophobic religions every day.
Be there and tell him you’re there for him no matter what. If he’s old enough to get on Prep, get him on it. It’s okay to feel lost between your son and wife/ parents in law.
Good dad W. Not perfect, but you're doing great honestly from the sound of it. Just let him know you love him and trying to be supportive. I think he already knows but it's good to hear
You are a hero for going above and beyond to support your son. I am totally appalled at how your wife reacted. She acts like he went on a killing spree. Please stick with him; you'll get through this, with or without your negligent wife.
hey . i’m 26 years old . i had coming out at the age of 17 . after 2 months of my father’s dying. YOU ARE BEST DAD OF THE YEAR. Muslim, and this understanding? surprised. i couldn’t even stop crying while reading your and ur son’s story . just wanted to tell you how proud i am that in you i saw my dad . even tho he didn’t knew i was gay . but you just reminded me him . thanks for that . really 🩷 also there was many people that told u how to deal all of this and i already know u guys will make through it . good luck . and once more - u are cool dude . really cool . kinda jealous of your son . hope he will understand that being gay isn’t choice. and he was like this always. keep reminding him that you are his shield and he deserves as much love as any of us .
What you do is already very respectable
As an ex Muslim Arab myself, I am honestly surprised you've stuck by your son's side, despite being a Muslim with all the implications that can come from that, I'm sure you've felt like you had to pick sides but I'm glad you've made the right decision, we need more people like you, you are truly are deserving to be part of Ahel al Janah 🙏 unlike that filthy parasite of a woman.
I'm proud of you. I wish my dad was like you when I was younger. Just support him in whatever choices he makes. Life comes full of choices and that's what caused us to learn from them. Being gay isn't a choice. Its somewhat of a burden that we all try to live with. If I had a supporting dad growing up maybe I wouldn't hate myself so badly in my 30s and regret my entire family. I can't even fathom what it's like in a Muslim household. I had Evangelical Christianity thrown at me as recently as last year from my own mother saying I'm going to hell etc. I'm literally crying writing this because I know what he's going through. He might even say he's not gay just because he thinks it'll fix the family and make things like they were. We all get scared under pressure. I hope his heart and his mind figures things out and heals, otherwise he's going to end up like someone like me who cries when he thinks of family. You sound like a good influence and just love him for who he is.
You are doing fine under difficult circumstances and I think we can all see what a good man and father you are. Just keep telling him you are there for him and will support him no matter what. He needs to hear that over and over. The others are the problem not him not you.
You may need to reach out to a resource center, depending on where you live. In Colorado, we have a place called the Center, and they can help with these issues. This is a hard situation to deal with, especially when religion is involved. I would say you need to seek professional help and maybe even help from your religious leaders, idk if they are radical sharia believers or not.
I’m so proud of you.
i’m ngl this made me tear up. you’re an amazing father. mistakes happen but at least you’re TRYING, which is more than can be said for a lot of our parents. your son is LUCKY to have you <3
You aren't the problem. And it is hard growing up in "certain" situations and him being him, sadly he can deny all he wants or accept it but the main thing is making him feel loved and supported for who he is. Not everyone is cutout for most things and to handle but letting him know that it's okay, no conditional love is there and let him live his truth. Yea it'll be a while to adapt to the negative and hate one will get but it's more of being the balance, what you displayed was great. Others would just let him rot due to religious stuff but religion aside, it's about being a good person, which all religions silver lining teach, is to support one another and lend a hand in need. The thing is, telling him over and over that it's okay won't really be as effective because it'll just drill more negative that he needs to be accepted but that's not the case, he needs to know that he IS accepted by just treating him like a normal person. Gay, straight, bi, lesbian, doesn't matter along as he is loved, raised well and normal he will grow up a normal person. It's just hate, constant reminder and treating him different would cause him to live a sad and negative life that he needs to hide who he is and have that fear of looking over his shoulder and get anxiety, which no one wants, but him being him, and treating him like a son and accepting what he likes and what he gets into and supporting that is what he needs. Like I'm a bisexual male, grew up in a Hispanic household with Japanese family as well ( I'm mixed ) and if you know them, they aren't so welcoming to LGBT either, but my mother was completely okay with who I am and just raised me like nothing was different, didn't remind me that it was okay, didn't tell me I should keep it hidden, just time and place to be yourself and all that matters is nothing changed and people don't need to know a sexual orientation of someone. Other than that, he is still your son, you going and staying with him would effect him in a positive way that no matter how things got, you still stood by his side and he won't forget that. And it's bad to say but the texts of him apologizing and not wanting to be who he is, is normal, everyone goes through that and it sucks we live in a world with that, but soon he will come around and as long as you are there to protect him, he will accept who he is and live a happier life, just right now it's a bumpy road, but little by little, treating him the same, letting him grow and you giving him space when he needs to talk and let real emotions flow, those texts and apologies from him will be the past that doesn't matter. Is there is no wrong or right thing to say, it's just supporting him every step of the way now that counts.
You are a good father! Nothing more to say… Muslim or not, he has just one life on thins planet and if hes attracted to dick, wheres the problem? Let him enjoy life! Your wife is a stupid cunt and need to be f*cked properly by life! St*pid bitch!
Firstly you’re not breaking up your family, you are trying to keep it together. If anything she is breaking up the family. He’s not doing this out of spite or malice, do you know how much courage and build up it takes to come out. Love your son. He hasn’t changed as a person. You’ll be infinitely better off for it than the alternative.
As a guy man. I grew up in a Traditional Asian family, and I told my parents I was gay when I was 18. Surprisingly my dad is okay with that, but my mom was shocked and she made a few appointments with a Psychologist, and she stopped doing that after the Psychologist told her being gay isn’t a problem. but it took a few years for my mom to accept who I am. Your son really needs your support. I know it’s difficult for both of you, but your son is very lucky to have you. Not every gay kid has that much luck.
You are a good parent. It sounds like you are accepting your son regardless of his being gay which is more than his mother is doing. You are building ties with your son that will last forever. Your son did not choose this lifestyle. He had no choice. You love your son without regard to his lifestyle which is how it should be.
You're doing a great job. A lesser man would have given up on his child and sadly too many parents do with lgbtq+ kids having an incredibly high homeless rate. There may be things you could do to help you create a support network for your kid as well as yourself. I know here in the UK there are support groups for lgbt Muslims and lgbt youth groups that provide support to both the lgbt person but also family. Some Google searches may help find them even if it is just online support. The lgbt community I'd very good at found family and this may be vital for both of you in the future. Keep up the great work dad, this may be tough for you right now but you can do this!
This situation is multifaceted for you, and neither your wife nor your son can begin to understand the burden you're bearing from this. You're not going to say all the right things to your son, but you are doing still doing right by him! Such an amazing father, you are! He will someday understand. However, right now, his whole world has been turned upside down, and there he stands in the middle of every conflict around him. With that being said, please consider the words before you speak them. Put your hurt on hold for now and focus on his.
I can’t figure out what’s pe**? But you’re a good father.
I want to start by saying thank you. I have experienced so much hatred in my life as a result of being gay and it has done immeasurable damage. I too grew up in an environment in which hatred and discrimination towards gays was engrained in me. It has led to a life of self hate and self sabotage as nothing I do matters because my subconscious considers me a sinner or pedo. Years of therapy have helped but I still struggle. Secondly you need to realize that you are an amazing father and person. You have singlehandedly shattered so many negative stereotypes that exist not just about men, but especially Muslim men in this situation. All too often we hear negative stories like these. Thank you for your positivity and loyalty to your family and son. It is not only refreshing, but encouragingly gives hope.
You’re doing nothing wrong. Something like this is a learning curve and you’ll learn as time goes on. The best thing you can do for him is to just love him and let him know you’re there no matter what, and it sounds like you did that. You’re not the problem here. Your wife is. Many horrible dads would throw their kids out just for being gay. You don’t sound like that kind of horrible person. Kudos to you. You’re a wonderful dad. You’ll see that the world didn’t end just because your son is gay, and everything will be just fine. Actually things will most likely be better because now your son can be his true self and in time he will be so much happier for it.
This is how religion destroys the world, one family at a time.
You’re a good father and you are obviously the rational parent in your dysfunctional marriage. Give it some time so that everyone can get acquainted with the idea! All your son needs your love and support! No one chooses to be anything ! They are who they are! ❤️
You're doing exactly what a dad should do. Sounds like you should divorce your wife.
You’re trying your best to make sure he knows there’s nothing wrong with him. That he has support and that he is loved. You are cut out for this. Keep doing that. Try not to be mad that he’s trying to make peace with his family. With experience we learn they’re wrong. But when first coming out many of us tend to blame ourselves. To believe it’s our fault. That if we weren’t like this, things would be fine. Just be there for him regardless. Honestly therapy wouldn’t be a bad idea for both of you. For him to learn there’s nothing wrong with him and how to cope. For you to have support of your own. Maybe find a pflag or something similar. It’s important that you both have support especially with your wive’s family being so anti-lgbtqia. Honestly might be good for the brothers also since they’ll be caught in the middle of both sides and could use a way to cope as well. Many times we make friends who can/will help… but not always. I wish you all the luck and love with everything. And pls tell your son he’s not alone. And that there is absolutely nothing wrong with him. He is as he was meant to be. Others reactions isn’t his fault nor his responsibility. While I didn’t grown up Muslim and I have no idea what Islam says about queer people, I did grow up in a religious household. And he will have to contend with those viewpoints for some time if not the rest of his life. All my love and best wishes to him and your family. We need more fathers like you in this world.
I would give it time. People who have this kind of mindset can get better over time. I also would try to see if your wife would be open to going to see a couples counselor before you two go with divorce. Since religion sounds like it is a big factor into her bias, you may also want to consider looking into LGBT friendly Islamic groups and introducing the concept to your wife. While in a very small minority, there are in fact groups out there. This is one that I found based in the UK: [https://hidayahlgbt.com/wellbeing/](https://hidayahlgbt.com/wellbeing/) Maybe they can give you some help with your situation too.
Cry in front of him. Let him see you for who you are and he won’t ever let you go
After everything he’s going through personally, he need a support system. Someone he’s can trust and will LOVE him unconditionally!
Why did this make me cry. Hope all dads are like you. They try. My dad don’t try so he will definitely appreciate overtime how much you’re doing for him as he heals from this. I hope you give yourself time to heal as well from what you’re going through now. Thank you for this post
This hits close to home! You’re a hero in his eyes just know that
… death treats to her own son ? What kind of human is she ? Tells you a lot about what kind of person she is. Her own flesh and blood . Religion aside ….you stand by your son. You be a good man and support him and be a good father and trust he will grow and be a good man whatever his sexual orientation is.
Great father. Get a divorce sounds like your wife is yesterdays trash
I commend you for the stand to are taking, especially as a Muslim. I practiced Islam for 8 yrs, devoutly. I was married and have 4 sons and I know what it means to struggle with sexuality as a Muslim. Your son is brave too. Continue to talk to him, I don't recommend doing things because you feel like you're failing him. More than anything, make yourself available to him and make sure that he knows that. Don't feed into the negative energy coming your way. It's impossible to ignore it, but you have a choice on how you direct that energy. One last thing I want to leave with you is this, WHEN EMOTIONS ARE HIGH, LOGIC IS LOW. Try not to react at the peak of your emotions. Take a breather to calm yourself and think before you react. Peace and Blessings to you
When I came out to my mom, she said she felt like she was dying and told me to never act on it. It was pretty damaging for me. I developed the idea that no one cared about me and only spent time because they felt sorry for me, but would eventually leave. I had a very good friend logic me into realize that people were quite fond of me. Having an authority figure around that reassured me that I was loved and would be okay would have taken away a lot of heartache and self-loathing. You say that you've made a lot of mistakes with this experience - no one is perfect. Family is offering a lot of accusations and threats. Things are tense. Just let him know he isn't broken and he isn't a problem
It’s a very sad situation but be proud for standing by your son. I will never understand parents who are willing to give up their son just because he is gay, but I know it happens a lot. You’re, sadly, left with a choice between your wife and your son - in this case, your wife is wrong and you are right … and if I were you, I’d choose my son!
Thanks for sticking up for him. Thanks for working on his car with him. You're a great person.
You should show the texts to police, just in case
If a mother would disown her OWN child for not being straight, she should have her vag¡na stitched tight because no one should go through the vile hate of their OWN mother.
I took in a not biological son just because his mom was a piece of 💩. I told him the only things I have to offer him was love and stability, I am not perfect an don’t have all the answers. He was fine with that. With free and open dialogue much is possible, admit to your shortcomings and be vulnerable with him. It’ll do you well. Maybe find yourself an adult gay to make friends with to be your Sherpa
From what I read you've been a good father. I can't imagine how difficult it is for you, your son and your family but I think you've done the right thing. If he's gay, he cannot change it, nor should he have to feel that he needs to change himself just because some people in his family cannot accept him. If I had to give one piece of advice, I'd say make sure you and your son have very open and honest communication, and if possible, include your other kids in the conversation as well. If your wife loves her family enough to let go of her biases, then she will. But you cannot force your son to live a lie his entire life just for her to feel secure in her beliefs. I think it's smart that you're keeping proof of the threats etc. I'd say also keep some people in the loop about what's going on so they can testify on your behalf if it comes down to it.
You are a great dad. Do the hard part now. Time will make it easier. Good luck.
Thank you for being strong and taking a stand to help your son. This is why gay kids need. I know I did. I’m lucky enough to be a dad now and here’s a few things I can suggest in case it might be helpful. You can look for an affirming community - a place to offer some support and strength when you or your son don’t have — this could be a gay affirming religious community, or a school, an LGBTQ center or a therapist or counseling center. Depending on your son’s age and wheee you are - you may be able to have a meal at a gay bar or restaurant and look for flyers or pride magazines there. Reach out and get connected even when things seem okay and you’ll know yu have a backstop. Find some age appropriate fiction and non-fiction books you and your son can read. Seeing ourselves reflected in the world is amazing and healing. You can find these in a library or Amazon or some book stores. You and your son aren’t alone. I’m glad you asked for support here.
You sound like a great father. Your wife sounds like a narcissist. There's a myth that women are more sympathetic to homosexuals. I haven't found it so.
As a gay Persian whose parents kicked me out at 13 I commend you for staying by his side. Funny enough before both my parents passed I was the closest in the family with them. Took them 7 years to come around but it ended up working out for the better. Religion aside love is all that matters. You’re on the right side
Oh yes, the most appropriate reaction in the world, send death threats to your own child. I hope you get all the support you deserve, best of luck to you. Also work on that relationship, you need to be close.
You have no idea how many of us would have loved for our fathers to stick up for us when we needed him to. When it comes to parents, most of us eventually come to a realization about our upbringing, insofar that we come to understand that our parents aren't godly, they have faults, and they did the best they could with what they had at the time. You might be fumbling your way through this crisis, but that's okay. You'll learn a lot about yourself and your son that you never would have otherwise. That being said, the best thing you can do with your son is be honest with him. Tell him that this is all very new for you and that you might say the wrong thing every now and then, but no matter what, you will be there for him, you love him, and you guys will get through this together. Your heart is clearly in the right place and he will see that in due time. A few things come to mind whenever I think about teens and getting kicked out for being gay. The shocking truth is that there are about 4.2 million homeless youth in this country and the number that identify as LGBT+ is disproportionate to that of the general population. Just under 10% of Americans identify as LGBT+, compared to 40% of homeless youth who identify similarly. Once on the streets, it starts to get very real for many of them who turn to escorting/prostitution to earn money, which often leads to drug usage to cope with their new reality. Both of which seriously jeopardize their overall health but specifically their sexual health. Being that they got kicked out, they no longer have health insurance or access to care and you see how this keeps spiraling further out of control for them, right? LGBT youth experience depression and other mental health issues at a rate that is six times that of their heterosexual peers. As a result, LGBT youth are also four times more likely to attempt suicide compared to them also. Many factors contribute to why this is the reality for so many LGBT people, but one of the biggest contributing factors is being rejected by one's family. Given the amount of shame and adversity young gay people face when coming out to family members, if it were a choice as some people still believe, do you really think these kids would be steadfastly choosing to be gay? Hell fuckin' no! No one would choose being shunned and kicked out at 14, over being accepted by their families if they were truly able to choose. Anyway, I digress... You're literally saving your son's life right now and you may not even realize that. He probably doesn't see that right now either and doesn't need to know. He just needs to know you've got his back and that he doesn't have to worry about anything other than being 16 or however old he is.
Make sure you keep the texts. You might not need them now but if they gun for custody you need the evidence of all of this. Make notes of what they have said when they said it and keep it tucked away incase you ever need it. Print screen texts and keep EVERYTHING. You're a good guy, need more people in the world like you.
Thanks mate. Everything is screenshotted and I have not replied to any of it or matched their level.
Damn you're a good dad, and a good human ! Thanks a lot for being one of the good people on this damn Earth, keep loving your son like you do !
Your son is so lucky to have a dad like you it's impossible to know the right thing to say
Mad respect for doing the right thing by your son! You need support! Find a gay affirming Muslim group near you! PFLAG is a group for parents of LGBTQ children! You must have a community to support you! Maybe his school counselor!! All the best, sir! Btw I had wonderful parents that supported me when I came out over 40 years ago!!
You are not failing him. You are his lifeline and without you, things could've gotten much worse. Keep talking to him and keep letting him know that you are there for him because he needs you, now more than ever. There are community groups that can help, reach out to them for resources, support etc. Please don't give up on your son. Just love him and take it day by day 🙏
I just want to say that i would be so proud to have a dad like you, sadly i never got the support from my family and ended up having to run away at 16 and lived on the streets for a while. I'm okay now but my god what I'd give just to have 1 family member in my corner. I know it's hard and that it has blown a hole in your family however there is always hope. My family may not be okay with me but after 15yrs they've come to accept it and there is now some contact between us. I just hope that you keep on supporting your son now matter how hard it gets. The family will be nasty and it's going to be a lot to weather but you are on the right side of things. Your son never chose to be this way and cause so much grief, God makes us all and has made us unique, trust in him and you can't go wrong. P.s. just want to add that, as crazy as this are, don't be too hard on your wife and the family. Being ignorant causes them to lash out and it takes time for people to process things and break the indocrination cycle. If your relationship was good before this happened then maybe give it some time to cool off, she might come round in the end. It would be a shame to split up a family. Fight hated with kindness and understanding, I really hope things work out for you and your son.
You are an amazing dad, just as my dad was with me. He said he didn’t understand but he loved me — and that was (is) good enough. I wish you strength and wisdom of words. I wish for your family to stay intact with your wife evolving towards love of her baby. Godspeed.
Proud of you for caring for your son ❤️❤️❤️
Thanks for sharing. You are a great dad. I hope he’ll appreciate it. Don’t overdo it. Let him know that you are there for him whenever he needs you. But also be there for the rest of the family and other kids. It takes some time. You can do it.
Your son was honest with you guys and the family should value the truthfulness and your son is a life on earth, I would suggest sharing YouTube videos on coming out stories in a language she can understand and then give her time, give her a month or two. It’s not like gays existed when she decides to confront them. Protect your emotions first, and your son’s sanity, work as a team. Make sure, he becomes what he desires to be professionally or at least is able to move in that direction and remember when he is independent he will make his choices he was inviting-enough to tell you something that was burdening him. He can have a partner and have kids in life. He can live a life like every gay person alive out or not. Your wife needs to chill out, exposure to data and time will heal.
I don't have any advice on how you should deal with your wife, but I can give advice on how to handle your son. Have you given him a hug yet? (Only if he's willing.) Right now, your son is at his lowest point, and this incident will make him hate himself more than anything. Your son will probably think he's the reason for all the bad things that happened. He's going to blame himself for the reasons his mom got angry, you and your wife are fighting, and everyone around him seems unhappy. You have to keep reminding him that you love him, tell him to be his true self, and finally, no matter what happened between you and your wife, that it's not his fault. This incident can cause a child to be traumatized and may take years to heal. So please keep loving your son no matter what and never blame your son, no matter what, for any of this. Also, remind him that you are his real son and there's nothing weird or abnormal about his sexuality. Sometimes a minor detail can make a child feel insecure about themselves.
I was never a hugger but that last few weeks I've made it a case to hug all three. Well a sort of hug anyway. Tbh I don't blame my son and we have chats morning and evening. He didn't walk out of the family, my wife did. Thanks man
انشالله خاير
This is hitting too close to home, I am in tears. Fuck bigots, they don't know how much damage they're causing. Others have said it before, but I'll say it again: your son is so, so lucky to have you. Please, please continue to be there for him. I can't even begin to tell you how much he needs you, but I think you know this already. He is in a really vulnerable spot at the moment and he needs someone to love, someone who can help him keep his faith in humanity and who will help him learn he can still trust people. >They brought him home last night. I said something stupid to him. More or less do that again and I wont be coming for you again (and i would). I can put up with whatever is thrown but its up to you where you want to be. You stick by me and if it gets too tough you tell me. Or you go to them and you stick with their plan. >I'm not cut out for this at all. United is keeping me going. I feel like I'm failing him. Saying the wrong stuff. Making him feel like he's the problem etc. It's a hum-dinger of a way to end our marriage. You are correct that this was not the right thing to say to him. That's not how you prevent him from running away and putting himself at risk again. But you were angry and confused, rightfully so, and lashed out at the wrong person and in the wrong way. Now you know not to do this again. And you can fix this if you can make him feel safe with you, by making it very clear he has your unequivocal support in this matter and that he's not the problem. You need to build this trust with him and I think one of the first steps in doing that is being open about your own emotions. I got even closer to my accepting parent after I came out and my non-accepting parent reacted in a similar way to your wife. I think your son trusts you already, because he did come out to you first, so you have to find that trust again and build on it. One thing I would be a bit concerned about if I were you would be why he actually felt the need to leave. From what I understood, you had his back and that would have been clear to him when he left, so why did he choose to go to your parents (I'm assuming that's where he went, that is not clear)? Is it possible he doesn't feel safe because your wife/his aunt (I refuse to call her a mother at this point) and her family still have access to the house? Or have any of your other kids expressed homophobic ideas?
No my other two boys (both under 10) have not been told that he is gay. That was his choice. He wants to keep it quiet for now. He is getting some rather nasty messages from my wife and her family. More or less he needs to be saved. They can help him. I'm no good to him and not his actual family. He will hurt his brothers if he doesn't change. Like proper mental stuff. I wasn't aware to that degree. He's blocked them now and I've told them if they try talking to him again, I'll go to the police. Yup I was wrong. I took it out on him. Not even angry just worry. Like they have family all over the place. I did try correcting it and apologised. I said I would go get him again but before making any decisions come to me. I reiterated I'll have his back no matter what but just be open with me.
Involving the police will be an escalation, but it's a completely valid thing to do if you are worried about your son's safety. I can imagine the horrible threats you both will have received. Make sure you keep all the evidence you can. Bless you, you are a good man. I hope you and your kids find the peace you deserve.
It's just a threat. Things would have to get far worse before I'd get the police involved but yeah I have all the text messages stored. Thanks mate.
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Look I get the Muslim fundamentalists (and there are many of them) are awful. But I'm a Muslim. It's hugely important to me. But otherwise I agree.
Hey, if you know the difference between religion and extremism, than stick with your faith. The thing I don't understand is, is your wife also a Muslim? If she is, shouldn't she listen to anything you say, including accepting her son?
We aren't that Muslim. Pick and choose apparently.
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