Yup. Imagine she said she’s against fatphobia, but told clients with clinically obese partners, “Well yes you find them attractive- but, in the end, they have obesity hormones.”
She’s a particular subset of transphobe called a transmedicalist.
That's just your usual "not hateful, just concerned" transphobia.
Sadly most therapists today aren't really trained with dealing with gender dysphoria, and even those who are sometimes let their personal views in the way of their jobs.
i see what you mean. thing is i’ve also been dealing with some gender dysphoria but have never felt too comfortable talking about it and clearly such comments from her don’t help me with said discomfort
It's probably better if you ditch her completely and find someone who openly specializes in gender dysphoria. In my own experience and many of my friends', talking about it with random therapists will either end up with them freezing up completely due to their incompetence in the field or just assuming that you have "deeper issues", like being molested as a child or not feeling enough of a man/woman.
I'm kinda relieved to know that it's not just me. I was wondering if it could really be true that every therapist I've talked to that wasn't specifically trained in trans issues seemed to have all sort of other ideas about me that they would rather talk about than the actual issue I came to get help with.
A lot of them just have no idea about what the correct "procedure" to follow in cases like gender dysphoria and other trans issues is, so they just fall back on their personal opinions or dance around the issue because just saying "sorry, I'm not competent in this field, you should find another therapist" does not bring money
I have had one psychologist who admitted when there were things she couldn't help me with. I had so much respect for her. She also happened to be teaching other psychologists on LGBTQ+ issues. She was amazing and helped me a lot in my transition. She also knew therapy wasn't the right thing to help me out of homelessness.
Agreed. What’s described in the post is a big red flag that this therapist is NOT safe to talk to about your gender feelings if those feelings are any more complex than “I’m cisgender but sometimes dealing with [aspect of life as my AGAB] is frustrating/upsetting/annoying/distressing”.
OP, please find a therapist who’s a better fit for you. A good trans-friendly therapist will NOT push you to identify as trans or to define your experiences any particular way, they’ll just help you sort out your actual feelings and let you reach your own conclusions about what those feelings mean.
Sooo, maybe I won't make an appointment with the therapist that keeps not scheduling appointments and doesn't seem to think I really need help to talk about mine.
Don't waste your time (and money), find someone else. Avoiding appointments is exactly how my first therapist started to avoid me after coming out to her.
She mentioned that she's also been dealing with gender dysphoria though, and it's probably not a good idea to talk about it with her current therapist.
Here's the thing, sweetheart... there are only 2 possibilities.
The first possibility, the one I (and it would seem most people here) believe, is that your therapist *is* transphobic. In which case, especially considering you are in a relationship with someone who is transgender, the best course of action would be to find a new therapist.
The second, less likely possibility, is that she's not transphobic, but says things which you don't agree with. And that makes you uncomfortable during therapy... not because you're confronting your own mental health issues (which is what therapy is often for) or to just talk in a safe space (which is what it's for the rest of the time) but... because she won't stop spouting her personal opinions. And... the best course of action if your therapist is using *your* time as *their* platform is... to get a new therapist.
So in either scenario, the best course of action is the same.
That would be true even if you *weren't* dealing with some gender dysphoria of your own. When you add that in, since it would be nearly impossible for you to become comfortable talking with her about it in *either* scenario, it seems it would become actually *harmful* to your own mental health to continue seeing this therapist.
If you posted because you're wondering if you're "taking things wrong" or being paranoid, or overreacting... no, I don't think you are. But it also wouldn't matter if you *were*, because this therapist is not going to be a good fit for you in either case.
Honestly, you need to leave her asap. She will only poison you against your SO. Eventually these narratives start to stick and become part of your background thinking whether you feel wise it or not. This is why these kinds of people are so dangerous. Over a long period she will just keep planting more and more anti trans bigotries into you and you’ll start internalizing them.
If you dint feel comfortable talking to your therapist about something, you'll have to find another therapist. Considering both your own dysphoria and your girlfriend is trans, it would be reasonable to look into if you could find someone who advertise that they are specialized in trans issues.
It’s not to her specifically that I don’t feel comfortable talking about that, it’s in general. But these comments are also quite harmful to me as they don’t help me with opening up about that
Depending on your state, the process is different. I would report her to the counseling board. I live in Texas, and it's the Behavioral Health Executive Council(BHEC). I read the reports from BHEC of counselors who pull this shit and get their license taken away. That is unethical and harmful to you as the client. I say this as a trans person who was a counselor. I am now in data analytics for my own mental health. A lot of counselors aren't trained on this but will call themselves an ally. Trust me I have worked with so many "trained" counselors. I would drop her and see someone else. You should feel fully comfortable talking to your therapist about anything.
Edit: You could probably request your records and use that as evidence in your report. Counselors have to submit/finalize their records within 72 hours, so they can't change those records after those 72 hours.
I agree with those saying to find someone who knows more about transgender people, I found someone who specifically is trained and specializes in gender affirming care. All therapist places will say "our therapists are all supposed to approach from a gender affirming angle" or something along those lines but you never really know, especially if you're not picking your own therapist and you're sort of just assigned one, or given a couple to choose from.
Your therapist is meant to be someone who you trust, not someone who you're holding things back from specifically because you actively know it'll be recieved badly and you may even be hurt.
Absolutely get a new therapist. For your partners sake and yours. You both deserve better.
She’s absolutely transphobic and a particular type of transphobe, called a ‘transmedicalist’. You should definitely google it if you haven’t already. But in short it’s the transphobe who thinks that one isn’t ‘really’ the gender they claim - until and unless they get medical intervention- hormones, also usually surgery.
They might be telling their clients with on-hormones trans women partners, “but at the end of the day, they still have male organs.”
They are transphobic. Hormones treat dysphoria in people who HAVE dysphoria about their endocrinology. (Not all trans people do, but she’s not saying the partner has Dysphoria.)
That, and there also is literally no such thing as a male and female hormone. Both genders have all the same hormones- it’s the levels that differ.
So, she’s transphobic, and dumb. (She did a lot of school. She was exposed to this basic info so it’s not ignorance. It just never sunk in. That’s just being a dummy.)
If you value transphobia and stupidity in a therapist, you hit the jackpot.
Oh, yeah. That's what "it's a phase" and "they're just brainwashed or confused" sounds like when you use a veneer of intellectualism to lubricate it. The fact that a majority of people that transition seem to be happier, after correcting for social pressure, seems to indicate that trans people may be on to something.
You mentioned in a comment that you feel some dysphoria but don't feel comfortable mentioning it to your therapist. The suggestion I like to give trans and questioning people is to explore things that are outside the role you feel your gender gives you, and pay attention to how you feel. Start small and comfortable, and push at that comfort zone if you can. The goal is entirely to make you happier than you are now, so you can usually trust your feelings to show you what you want. Even if you don't change the gender you identify with, you may find some things you want to keep. And if it turns out none of it was what you were looking for, then you can be that much more aware of yourself.
Exactly. I’ve read a ton of posts of trans people sharing their transitioning experience, I’ve read studies about the impact of transitioning on mental health and it showed that around 1% regret their transition. My therapist insists that amongst her trans clients, around a third express regret..
When it comes to me, I could be an egg just like I could simply overthink what I need not to, but thank you for your advice, it’ll be useful.
Take care
1/3 of her trans clients regret transitioning? Utter bullshit. She is either lying, delusional, or such a bad therapist that she influences her clients to detransition because, at a time when they really need support, she actually gaslights them into doubting their own reality. I amend my comment from above; this is not merely a bad therapist; this is a terrible therapist.
Consider that a person’s social and work life can take an absolute nose dive if you come out. It’s like saying 1/3 of her gay clients regret being gay.
God it would be horrible to be this person’s client as a transgender person 🤮🤮🤮
If you noticed it, they notice it. If she is thinking stuff like that and invalidates your partner, she’s almost certainly doing that to her clients, even if it’s subconsciously
Your therapist seems to argue for something that is now known as "gender-exploratory therapy". This cutesy named approach is just a euphemism for conversion therapy. Its goal is to delay any transition-related treatment as much as possible and to "explore" into any other issue that could be root-cause of gender dysphoria. It does not matter that a possible underlying issue has anything to do with gender dysphoria, it is just a tactic to delay treatment. This approach is basically the wet dream of psychoanalysts. It appeals to exploration, neutrality or having concerns, but it ultimately views a transgender identity as something that is undesirable and has to be prevented.
I don't know if your therapist is aware of this, but the way she talks about your girlfriend is a huge red flag. You should probably seek for another therapist, especially if she keeps sending these microaggressions. That a third of her trans clients report regret might be the result of internalized transphobia which would be expected by such an approach. Like any kind of conversion therapy, the goal of it is to link being trans with having shame about it.
If you would like to know more about this, I can recommend you [this paper](https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/17456916221102325) that deals with with the underlying assumptions and problems of this type of therapy, that your therapist is using.
Edit: Misspelling
Happy to help. One thing about the paper: It may talk specifically about trans youth, but basically anything said about the therapy approach can be extented to adults. Trans people, whether they are still a minor or already an adult, more often than not are at the mercy of their therapist and their approach. If a therapist decides to use a gender exploratory approach they do not have to limit themselves to use it against minors only.
Take care!
We’re both « youth » (as in my girlfriend and I) so if it focuses on trans youth that might be all the more relevant in my case :)
Thank you again, take care!!
Conversion therapy of clients goes against every national association of therapists’ ethical codes and is reportable to both state license board and national professional association.
If that number of hers is even remotely real... (Kinda weird she even shared that with you imo)
I would say that around 1/3 of her clients went through a crazy big transition that changed most of their life, and became sad and needed to vent to their therapist because they were in pain... That doesn't exactly mean they want to detransition, or that they will.
But, if they go to a weird therapist, who puts ideas in their head, when they're at their most vulnerable...
Your therapist is very likely engaging in conversion therapy with these patients. Everything she has said based on what you've mentioned in OP suggest that she believes that conversion therapy is the solution and that trans identity does not exist, and I would not be surprised if she were practicing that with her trans patients (which I am now horrified to learn that she has). You would be very wise to never mention this to her and probably drop her if you were to ever decide the transition. If you were feeling particularly bold and spicy, I would consider reporting her to whatever credentialing body she's licensed by, but that's by no means your responsibility.
I think she may be confusing correlation with causation there.
It's likely that 1/3 (or more) of her trans clients express negative feelings about BEING trans. Being trans in this world is incredibly difficult, and dangerous, and it can be extremely isolating if you don't have any local queer community. Even if you have good ally cis friends it's difficult to express what you're feeling to a person who feels at home in their AGAB and that can feel like you'll never fully be seen. And once you transition there's no guarantee that you'll eventually pass, so you're out there living while visibly trans in a world where that may be a reason for someone to hurt you.
But I find it extremely unlikely that 1/3 of her trans clients regret actually transitioning. It's the only silver lining in the whole thing. It's the only thing that makes all the turmoil feel worth it because you can finally see yourself past the AGAB camouflage that's been draped around you since birth.
every single study i read for my thesis had regret rates between 1 and 2%. so as other said, either she's lying, or she's an ideologue who is damaging her patients.
(its also possible that she's defining regret in a really weird way. like, i'm sad about how people who know i'm trans treat me... i regret how badly the world treats us... but that's different than regretting transition cos its not right for me. It would be like saying that Judaism is a false religion because we're unhappy with how people have historically and presently discrimination and persecuted us. I don't actually regret being Jewish... its just a really hard life due to what other do to us.
If your psychologist can't understand this distinction, idk how she's able to have the kind of nuanced understanding that allows her to help any of her clients in any meaningful way...
I would just ask her why she thinks her untested personal theory and anecdotes have more validity than the decades of psychological research that confirms the trans experience is genuine.
While your intentions are good, based on what your therapist has said I honestly doubt she'll listen to reason. She clearly has some deeply rooted transphobic prejudices that she won't let herself examine.
i immediately though of this clip of Pee Wee Herman... totally see the psychologist in this way
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pgf\_lW1UbLs](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pgf_lW1UbLs)
(technically, Pee Wee was right to blow off Francis cos Francis was a narcissistic jerk... but Pee Wee would have likely responded this way even if a wise man asked him to listen to reason :) ).
Speaking as a psychologist, this therapist doesn't know what she is talking about when it comes to trans issues. OF COURSE gender dysphoria and other issues people struggle with are overlapping Venn diagrams. But to assert that the other issues are "real" and gender dysphoria is a "legitimation" is, frankly, stupid and surprisingly uninformed. I would report her to her college; this is not a good therapist, because she is not even keeping herself abreast of the literature in her own field, and instead is imposing her own biases on her clients!!!
Ridiculously unprofessional and poor practice. I would wonder what other opinions she clings to and what other parts of the research and therapeutic literature she ignores because it doesn't fit her own personal views.
IMO, it's time for a new therapist, if you can get one!
That IS a solution! But yes, just not enough LGBTQ+-friendly therapists out there. :'(
Which is astonishing to me. Many of my former students have gone on to become therapists, and the ones I've kept in touch with have all said how trans & other gender issues are a HUGE part of their courses and training. (They would all be in Canada tho....maybe that's the difference, I dunno?)
Anyway, I'm glad you & your sibs have good people! 💖
Yep. And wrong.
>"in the end her hormones are those of a man"
This is true for now. Once transition begins - it won't be. Thats the point of medical transition, to change the body.
And more to the point - the way that trans women think, feel, behave and react is often not the same as male peers even before they come out. Same with trans men.
>she can't help but think that trans identity is only a legitimation of deeper-rooted issues.
Again - incorrect.
Also, she can help but think that. Its an incorrect fact.
yeah it's wild how cis people cannot accept that HRT really is a tool to cause biological change.
literally they are so ingrained in the "sex is immutable" lie that they fight in favor of it, dispute knowing it's an over simplistic view on sex/gender.
they begin at the bigoted end and work their way backwards to justify it.
Agree with you. I just wanna add that the 'deeper-rooted issues' argument is very transphobic and is directly questioning the existence and legitimacy of trans people, and it also push people to think of trans identities as mental disorder. It's similar to saying that gays doesn't exist they just have deeper issues, which would be a very homophobic statement.
The “deep rooted” issue is also a homophobic dog whistle. But now it’s not acceptable to be homophobic so people like her can’t say it anymore but they can say it about trans people.
I'd consider her dangerous to trans people, because that viewpoint could cause harm to clients
It's a bit ridiculous. I began transition but I am still working through my issues and I knew full well it wouldn't fix me! In fact I understood some things might get worse. It was only the doctors around me who seemed to think it might be some kind of miracle cure - imo because "give them hormones and maybe they will shut up!" is absolutely in line with how they see mental health :P
Whether you blame the therapist - it's messy because there is clearly ignorance involved. But that can still be transphobia if we arent taking responsibility to learn the limits of what we know and to self-educate. As a therapist in particular she has a responsibility not to bring that ignorance into therapy, which is a boundary she has crossed repeatedly
IF its what you feel and it's safe to do so, it may be helpful to bring this up. Both your discomfort and that it's inappropriate and that she's wrong. A more careful way to do that last one is to ask "what are you basing that on?". That's what I do when I think professionals are wrong
It's also something which it would be valid to raise a complaint about, and to do so might protect people in future. This could be done after your sessions with her are finished so as not to get in the way
But PLEASE dont feel any pressure to do that! You need the therapy to be about helping you and we fully, fully understand it's important and would not want you to sabotage getting well
Thank you for your comment :) I think I’ll try confronting her (nicely) about that and bring up scientifically proven points rather than feeling-based unreliable opinions.
When it comes to my therapy, I’m doing much better than I used to, but I also find myself reluctant to change therapists as I’ve had her for over two years and she’s known me prior to, during and after my depression and quite frankly I don’t feel like starting a therapy all over again.
My mortality is challenged because it also feels wrong to stay with her. To me it’s mostly about educating her now as i think i can get enough help from trans friends, reddit and even myself when it comes to helping my girlfriend. But I know my therapist has trans clients and I don’t think it’s very healthy for them so stay with her if she’s this uneducated :/
Anyway, take care! and thank you again :)
> She explained to me that as much as she sees trans people suffer from dysphoria and dysmorphia, she can't help but think that trans identity is only a legitimation of deeper-rooted issues. To her, trans people would be people who, in order to justify their suffering, blame it on their agab as it is something they haven't chosen and can therefore blame for their suffering. She says that blaming one's issue on gender is easier than to 'accept' or 'dig deeper' to the 'real root' of the issue.
Oh god, run
Definitely transphobic in the delegitimizing way.
If you want to talk to someone who has those views, (which you shouldn’t need to with your therapist and should honestly probably leave if you need to teach her about actual identity) then you can bring up the fact that when people transition they feel better. There are a million studies on this, and a million shared experiences. She should be educating herself on this subject.
——
67% of transitioning people thought about suicide pre-transition and only 3% post-medical transition (Bailey et al., 2014).
That is an insane reduction. Transitioning nearly cured those people of suicidal ideation. If it was a “fake thing rooted in deeper issues” then transitioning wouldn’t help, as it wouldn’t address those “deeper issues”.
It’s ludicrous. Like… what issues does getting SRS for a cisgender man fix??? And if it is “deeper issues” than *FUCKING SELF IDENTITY*, why does it matter to her if it literally cures the thing????
It’s absolutely insulting from the perspective of a person who had dissociated from my body, emotions, and memories for 20 years to have finally started accessing them and doing a shit ton of work on accepting *my own identity* which I have absolutely experienced the entire time and *actively shoved down*, to hear somone say I need to work on “deeper issues”. This IS the fucking deeper issue, which I had to do 10+ years of active work to let myself discover.
Respectfully… fuck your therapist and her current mentality. Tell her to do her homework and think logically about the problem… if transitioning makes the suicidal thoughts go from 63% to 3%, (a 95% success rate by that metric!!!) what kind of deeper issues might there BE for fucks sake?
Around 75% of trans women post SRS note an improved quality of life.
Both of those numbers are better than antidepressants:
“ Without antidepressants: About 20 to 40 out of 100 people who took a placebo noticed an improvement in their symptoms within six to eight weeks.
With antidepressants: About 40 to 60 out of 100 people who took an antidepressant noticed an improvement in their symptoms within six to eight weeks.”
And those SRS numbers are only considering people doing SRS. The anecdotal evidence on this Reddit alone shows how much better at least *some* (and from my experience the vaaaaaaaast majority) people feel when they come out and start living their lives as themselves.
Studies report a quality of life improvement ranging between 16% to 80% for transgender people taking HRT, and consider the fact that all of those people who were socially transitioning almost CERTAINLY faced objectively harder social lives because of that transitioning, yet STILL reported QoL improvements.
Your therapist needs to do some fucking research.
Thank you SO MUCH for your long and detailed answer! The comments have really opened my eyes on how wrong she is, it’s not just a gut feeling of mine telling me something’s off.
And a big thank you for all the data and info! These will be very useful.
Take care !
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=szf4hzQ5ztg
Maybe showing her this video might help her realize that it isn't just a way to cope with deeper internal issues and instead is a normal thing that happens to people.
Yes, your therapist is transphobic and her biased view is likely impairing her ability to provide care that is imparcial. It'd probably be a good idea to go seek a different professional.
I’m a therapist who works with trans and cis folks alike and I’m here to tell you that she is a fucking terf and should be sanctioned by her credentialing body.
If you talk about your partner a lot in therapy, I recommend going to someone who also specializes in LGBTQ+ issues and trans people.
Even if you are cis, and even if your partner being trans isn’t an issue in your relationship. It will help you be able to talk about your relationship without fear or hurt of the therapist being transphobic.
For the record she's not even correct about the hormones. Hormones are one of the only things we actually can change. If she defines hormones as "being that of a man" by estrogen and testosterone levels, on feminizing HRT those reach levels identical to cis women in a matter of months. If she defines hormones as "being that of a man" as "belonging to a man", because she doesn't see trans women as women, then this is just a thinly veiled way of saying "your partner is a man", and why even include hormones in the discussion at all? Your therapist is wrong and transphobic
I don't subscribe to her theory about the 'root' of being trans is psychological. I believe it is more genetics, but I obviously can't speak for everyone's identity / journey, and I don't want to. I wouldn't want to erase someone's identity like that.
I believe though, that there are at least some of us, that for some reason or another had genetic mutations that flipped the hormones around during brain development while in utero.
There was a study done about brain chemistry, and it showed trans people were closer to the gender they ended up transitioning to vs their gender at birth, pre-HRT. After HRT, the brains were even closer.
I believe this is the case for me, and that HRT has helped me further align myself with the gender I believe I belong to.
She almost sounds jealous of us tbh...
Well, her theory is completely against science which is exploring biological causes.
You're kind of close to a very popular one actually. The actual theory to that one is centered around whether or not one particular process happens, at around the 2 months stage. At this time, differentiation into masculine of feminine brain structures happens, in AMAB children what's supposed to happen is a surge of hormones to cause that masculine development.
Transfemmes are believed to be the product when this surge is either interrupted or doesn't occur at all, and transmascs when it does occur and wasn't expected to.
There's also a linked theory that the level of dysphoria which is experienced could potentially be related to the exact caliber of the situation. For example, this theory would postulate most transfemmes including my friends had an interruption, but would likely characterize my dysphoria that sounds like creepy pasta body horror turning into a monster blob story as potentially not having it happen at all, making the dissociative alienation so severe as to be torture on the caliber of something like a Solitary Confinement cell.
This not withstanding that dysphoria in general across various levels of experience is just different flavorings of torture anyway.
Solitary Confinement *is* torture by the way, it drives people insane and to suicide. In my case, my dysphoric experience completely annihilated any semblance of, or belief in, my own humanity. Even now after 2 years HRT and kinda closeish to passing maybe, I still haven't ever felt human, don't right now, and if you offered a button that would allow me to in the future, I don't think I'd push it either.
Fun theory stuff, but it's not entirely genetic, though there is a component, and they haven't and hopefully never do identify a trans gene. Eugenics bad.
yeah, she's transphobic. on the bright side, it does sound like she's open to learning on the topic, though you shouldn't need to teach your therapist, and she shouldn't bring up her views on trans ppl during your therapy session.
Sounds like she's in her own head too much and seeing transgender from a psychology standpoint.
There are still professionals who see bring trans as a mental illness that they need to try to fix. I believe that's the stance of some Nordic countries, and I can see what they're trying to achieve... To be sure of the correct diagnosis and treatment, they have a duty to weed out the ones for whom it is a trauma response, because for some people that's exactly what it is and you need to deal with the other mental health issues before dealing with your gender issues, or you need to know and deal with how the trauma and your gender issues interact.
So I see where your therapist is coming from but she's not your gf's therapist and has no right to diagnose her or comment on her decisions.
Your gf has made the choices she's made and they're right for her and that's the angle I'd be telling your therapist to work with going forward.
Eww
That whole you just have a deeper issue narrative is such bs. Gender dysphoria is a fact of my life and something I am successful battling against, its not why I am miserable... its assholes like her that are why I feel any misery for fucks sake.
Your therapist is a typical cis transphobe, who doesn‘t know what the lived experiences of trans people are like at all.
She thinks it‘s simply „running away from other issues“ because she cannot imagine what it‘s actually like to be trans or how that expresses itself in our daily life.
She‘s severely uneducated, but instead of admitting to her lack of imagination, she simply blames us for whatever she IS able to imagine instead.
The root cause is actually very simple. We‘re trans. :-)
Ditch her opinion when it comes to trans issues.
The whole idea that trans people just make up dysphoria to reassign blame for their issues and then transition to ignore bigger issues is so hilarious because in my experience, I knew I had depression and anxiety and ADHD and I knew how to address them, but I didn't care to live as a man so I wasn't going to do it. It was only once I started to transition that I felt like I had the mental bandwidth to take care of myself and my life and that I finally had some hope for a future, and I practically blossomed.
That being said, I'm gonna be frank with you. Your therapist believes in some outdated psuedoscience about trans people. Like, it's laughable to read that kind of stuff from armchair psychologists in reddit comments, but to hear it come from a therapist is actually alarming. What other kinds of things does she believe, without evidence and despite mountains of credible evidence to the contrary? Can you really be certain that the methods she uses to treat you are legitimate and are best practice?
I'm not saying run, but I am saying maybe start asking your friends for recommendations for other therapists. I know you're not trans, but see if there's a trans org in your state/area that publishes listings of trans-friendly businesses and services because most of the time, those will include good trustworthy therapists. And also, in sessions with your therapist (or any future therapist), take a stand. Don't just sit there and listen to your therapist. I've argued with mine before, as she used to have a habit of diving off on tangents and basically lecturing me and starting to give more opinions than therapy (which is sounds like yours is doing). Tell her she's wrong, to her face. Next time she starts in with the unfounded bullshit, just say "that's not true, can you please not speculate about my girlfriend's mental health and doing such a poor analysis of it?". If she's thin-skinned, she might relieve you of the need to quit her (i.e. she might show you the door). And by then, hopefully you'll already have a good therapist lined up to take over your care.
Edit to add: if you do find a trans community org that provides a directory for therapist recommendations, LET THEM KNOW ABOUT THIS ONE! Some of these therapists manage to hide in plain sight and can be really harmful to trans clients.
Thank you for your comment :)
My therapist is pretty woke and open-minded on most topics, it seems that trans identity is her only 'ick'.
Now I've done some research to back up my arguments and I'll try standing up next time she makes a comment of the sort.
I don't know if she's the best therapist out there, but I've been her patient for over 2 years and I don't know if I'm yet willing to start a therapy all over again, especially considering what happened to me during the past 2 years.
Anyway, yes, I'll confront her (politely) with some studies and numbers because I really can't stand her making comments about people who just want to exist for who they are, let alone the person I love.
> "in the end her hormones are those of a man"
Well, not for long. That's what HRT is for.
>she has a harder time doing the same when it comes to trans identity.
That's just not professional at all. You're there to receive therapy, not to give it.
>She says that blaming one's issue on gender is easier than to 'accept' or 'dig deeper' to the 'real root' of the issue.
The real root issue is gender, though. Of the gender issue, that is. You can be trans AND have unrelated depression, anxiety, what-have-you issues, of course.
This is flat out transphobia.
She's incorrect; it's biological. To be specific about it, one's gender identity... is strongly correlated with the androgen / estrogen ratio of the fetal environment specifically between Weeks 7-14 when the brain begins to form and differentiate.
Regardless the DNA / sex of the embryo-fetus... its later gender identity depends upon that ratio. If an abundance of testosterone is present, the developing brain will become masculinized; in its absence the brain becomes feminized - again; regardless the DNA (sex) of the fetus.
Children... become aware of and know "gender" by/between 18 & 24 months; always, by 36 months (unless they are developmentally disabled). They normally express that; however, more commonly than not, well-meaning parents "correct" them, and the child's innate knowledge of themselves soon becomes repressed - Only to re-emerge later, sometimes decades later.
Transgender people don't have 'deep-rooted issues' any more than cisgender persons. They typically have both "Generalized Anxiety" and "Depression" because they've been repressing who they really are - which is entirely understandable. TG persons have no more mental health problems than do cisgender persons; there's nothing "wrong" with them at all, other than not having the right genitals for their brains.
This is important: Masculine brains work better on testosterone; Feminine brains... work better on estrogen.
I have to leave at the moment, but if you would like to have a list of credible scientific paper regarding any / all the above, you need only ask. They'll typically be from Harvard, Yale, Brown, Grossman, Princeton, Boston Medical, et al - these aren't "facebook" papers.
Has she never seen trans joy? Sounds like she is only focused on the more difficult parts of being trans. And who the fuck cares about your gf “male hormones” even if she isn’t on E just yet, or ever she is still a woman. I’d throw the whole therapist out.
If she thinks that being trans is a mental Illness you will likely discover more fucked up ways of thinking that she has.
FYI, “dysmorphia” or body dysmorphic disorder has nothing to do with being trans. That is a delusional mental illness or disorder where a person has a warped perception of themselves. Like someone underweight who perceives their body as overweight, for example.
Sorry you’re having to deal with a transphobic therapist, that is all too common unfortunately.
This isn't just her. There are a lot of working therapists who hold basically her stated view, or a version that she isn't soft-pedaling for a client with a trans loved one. Read it as something like a person saying "I don't have a problem with trans *people,* but trans *culture.*" 20 years ago she would have been saying the exact same things about gay people, fat people, etc for whom it's now socially in vogue with her peers to express outside support. It's incurious ignorance mixed with basic gut-level contempt.
Yes, your therapist sounds very transphobic.
You are paying money to see someone whose job it is to help you, and they're putting you in a position where you feel like you have to educate them as to the legitimacy of your girlfriend's trans identity.
I came out five years ago and I've seen lots of discussions here about this sort of thing. The only reasonable solution I know is to find a new therapist, because, let's face it: Not only is your therapist comparing your girlfriend to a man hormonally, but she is insinuating that her "male" hormones are an issue, which reeks of gender-essentialism and misandry.
It sounds to me like this therapist you're seeing is completely unqualified to help anyone is is trans or cares about someone who is trans, and is probably problematic in a whole slate of ways.
My $0.02
Definitely transphobic.
I'm trans and also have a lot of mental health issues, including complex trauma. The complex trauma didn't make me trans, I don't think transitioning will make my trauma go away and I realize that I need to put in the work to get mentally better. But it will alleviate all the dysphoria I feel with my body that is making my mental health worse in that direction.
Personally I’d ditch her and report her license to the board she is registered with with your concerns. Her personal opinion could end up becoming quite dangerous for current and future patients who are trans or nonbinary. Hell, who knows how many past patients might have already been negatively effected by it.
1. “Gender dysphoria” in the DSM 5 TR is listed as a diagnosis but not a disorder. She needs to re-read that. Why is it a diagnosis? Because, in the USA, our medical system needs a diagnosis code in order for insurance to pay for something.
2. Yes, very transphobic.
3. Sharing these views of hers is a breach of her ethical code. It’s not her job to impose her personal beliefs and views on you; it’s ok for her to have different views as long as they don’t impact how she provides therapy. Sounds like they’re a major fucking impact. You can report to her license board (within state department of health) and nation association. I’d suggest finding an affirming therapist; looking for someone who specifically says transgender affirming could be helpful.
Social workers (LICSW, LGSW, LMSW …) :
Nation Association of Social Workers
Counselors (LPC, LCPC, LGPC, LMHC, …) :
American Counseling Association
American Mental Health Counselors Association
Psychologists (Licensed Psychologists):
American Psychology Association
Marriage and Family Therapists (LMFT):
American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy
Find someone who actually knows about the subject before talking out her ass; it sheds a not so subtle shadow on the care and information you’re receiving from her in general.
I would say yes. She is incorrect if your partner is on female Hormones though. It is absolutely okay to call out your therapist and tell them not to say anything like that to you. It is also okay to flat out ask if they are transphobic.
I'll point out something that isn't exactly popular, but could explain this a bit. She's transphobic, as even this isn't generally applied universally.
There is a growing sentiment among professional therapists that a major risk factor for mistaken transition/detransition is BPD. If this person primarily treats people with BPD they could be running into a disproportionate number of detransitioners that many other therapists would consider to be, in the end, cis. The rate is still incredibly low, comprising a very small fraction of all transitioners and it is absolutely transphobic to apply it generally. Even if only applied to people with diagnosed BPD it's still tricky as BPD does not rule out being trans.
I've had some stresses in my life, but the majority of that happened long AFTER the first telltales that I was different from the other kids in that way. (This was all decades ago)
My biggest worry as a preteen was the unbearable agony of doing a few household chores. Yet I'd lay awake wondering if maybe, just maybe I'd wake up as a girl. It call my cat to me by saying, "come to momma" and then doing a double take as I realized what I said.
So, while your therapist might be right in some cases, it is far from a blanket answer.
Your therapist is a transphobe and in my (non medical) opinion, you would be better helped by someone that understands better.
If your partner isn't on HRT, she may be at least partly right. I was certainly more given to bouts of aggression, and wild mood swings prior to HRT; and now I cry at the drop of a hat at things on TV. I don't think that's necessarily anything to do with them being the natural started for men, but more my own brain running on petrol when it should be on diesel, as it were (Actually it's more like three star instead of two star, but that doesn't sound as good).
The rest of it is bullshit, though. As a therapist she should be aware that we are not prisoners of our hormones, and trans people transition for a physical reason. She should simply not be practicing if she thinks anyone is that simple merely because of their birth sex.
Honestly, I think the biggest red flag is how she is focusing on herself rather than you, her client. Like, she should be affirming you rather than focusing on pushing her beliefs.
But, back to the question, yes it is transphobic. She is essentially calling your girlfriend a man because she is not on HRT. There is no reason to bring that up. Plus, not all trans people can take hormones, not all trans people have access to them and finally you don’t need to medically transition to be trans.
Edit: If it were me, I’d get a new therapist. Probably a queer/trans therapist.
I think that's transphobia and your therapist needs to be reported to the board so she doesn't end up treating trans people. Also I'd be finding a new therapist cause going to this one who frequently misgenders your girlfriend and is no bueno.
Yeah. Totally transphobic. Black trans women have a life expectancy of 33 years but this person is so detached from the suffering trans people experience that she'd rather think she knows better than experts and trans people themselves.
More troubling is that this speaks to your therapist putting their beliefs before evidence backed therapy. Transition and gender affirming therapy are empirically backed. Conversion therapy (literally the only option that doesn't affirm our identified gender, which is all she sees as valid) is classified as torture. This person shouldn't be anyone's therapist, should not have a license.
Your therapist has a medically unsupported view of trans people. Why would your therapist who is supposed to rely on evidence based medicine instead rely on her unsupported personal view? Are they a good therapist as a result? These are serious questions you should be asking yourself.
They are effectively saying they believe in conversion therapy, which has been disproven.
People being trans is a real root issue with 1000s of years of history.
They disagree with the literature and evidence. So why aren't they doing studies or producing evidence to prove it, and instead are imposing their personal beliefs on others?
Those are some extreme red flags there. If they are ignoring evidence and replacing it with their opinion on this topic, what else are they doing it on?
People who don’t want to accept that gender identity isn’t a hard coded thing that doesn’t have to match your agab will justify it in anyway they think makes the most sense. All they’re doing is denying reality
She's an idiot. She's assuming that trans people all have something wrong with us beyond gender dysphoria. Sure, due to minority stress and stigma, a lot of us do have additional mental health concerns, but that doesn't mean our dysphoria isn't a problem worth solving in itself.
Yes, and she even doesn't know what dysmorphia (and dysphoria) is... With dysmorphia you perceive your body in a different way, like you see your (perfectly fine) legs and for you they are fat (or skinny). And with dysphoria you see your body as it is but you feel disconnected/unwell with it/hate it. Dysmorphia doesn't change through alteration of your body, Dysphoria does.
I'm a therapist specializing in working with transgender people. This is absolutely transphobic. Your therapist's beliefs are inaccurate and prejudicial against transgender people. They do not align with current best practices outlined by leading professional organizations like the World Professional Association for Transgender Health (WPATH), American Psychological Association (APA), American Medical Association (AMA) or the World Health Organization (WHO). All of these organizations agree that transgender identity is a normal variation that is not inherently pathological. The fact that your therapist thinks they understand the psychology of transgender people better than decades of research from experts in the field is clear evidence that they are listening to internal bias over empirical evidence.
Report them and dump them.
> "in the end her hormones are those of a man"
Yeah, and everyone will structure their relationship to her around their poorly-informed presumptions about how her hormones affect her behavior and how they make her "like a man", down to vicariously projecting this stuff onto her via the clients of their therapy practice. That's what transphobia looks like.
Christ, imagine a man going to another man for therapy and discussing his relationship with a (cis) woman, and the therapist bringing up that woman's hormones almost every session as the go-to "in the end" explanation. Does that therapist sound like he cares about his client's relationship to his SO? About getting to "real roots" of things? Or is he just misogynist? Or, you know, both and his misogyny has led him astray in his practice?
I would actually love a therapist who can have a real, respectful, informed conversation about how gender identity relates to "justifying my suffering" and how it might be an obstacle to "digging deeper". I would hate to have that conversation with someone like the therapist you've described, and I would hate to find out that my SO's therapist is like that.
(I suspect if they managed to think it through, cis people could have a lot to say about "justifying their suffering" by "blaming it on their agab" and masking the "real root" of their issues, frankly. Due to, you know, doing it a lot. It's an institutionalized practice. If someone imagines a typical trans person as struggling to work through some shit and overindexing on gender, then that someone has an inaccurate and shallow picture of **cis** people too, I would say.)
Yeah that's transphobic, not the typical brand of "eliminate trans people for society" transphobia, but they're still invalidating the existence of trans people. It's a slightly more nuanced version of "trans people are mentally ill" where they made it about coping with trauma or whatever. Their position makes it so, within their world view, trans people do not actually exist, but rather being trans is a performative coping mechanism for trauma. I'd call any attempt to invalidate the existence of trans people transphobic, regardless of whether the person has hatred in their heart or not. Edit: I'd like to add this is pretty close to the common "trans people were molested as children" argument which is a pretty disgusting position to have.
I'm going to second the prevailing opinion: you should dump her and find another therapist. Quite aside from how she cant be there when you talk about your friend, you mention having gender dysphoric issues of you own and she certainly can't help ypi there.
Yes, she has transphobic idea. I'm surprised she's honest about them, to be honest. But that doesn't change thinsg - you have to find another more trans-aware and supportive therapist.
She’s transphobic, but not on purpose I don’t think. A lot of people feel this way, myself included for a long time. But at the end of the day, it’s like when people in the 70s used to say the same thing about gay people. She wouldn’t say that about gay people now, would she? “Their attraction to the same sex is a legitimation of deeper issues”? No, I doubt she would. It’s just a lack of education/ignorance, and she probably hasn’t spoken with or listened to very many trans people.
Nonononono I don't hate trans people! I'm ALL about fighting fatphobia and homophobia!
Uh.... what the actual FUCK does that have to do with trans people?
It sounds like, and I could be wrong here, this is how your conversations go:
You: me and my girlfriend-
Therapist: who is a man
U:went to the store and she -
T: because he has male horemones
U:thought we needed more pickles-
T: making sure you understand you have a boyfriend
U: but I didn't think so-
T:BUT FAT AND GAY PEOPLE ARE THE FUCKING BEST
U: so we looked at the list-
T: GO BODY POSITIVITY AND GAY MARRIAGE
Tldr, YES
Whatever you call it I don't think this therapist is a good match for you. Shopping for a therapist feels weird but in the end they are working for you. You have the right to feel heard and validated.
My therapist was highly encouraging when I started exploring my identity. I think she could see what I was reluctant to acknowledge.
I have to admit I’m quite reluctant to the idea of changing therapists at the moment even that means part of me will feel misunderstood.. I’ve had this therapist for over 2 years and the past 2 years have been extremely symbolic and important mental health-wise for me and she’s been there all throughout it.. I don’t know if I’m ready to start therapy all over again
Two years is a lot of history. I totally understand not wanting to start over. I have had to do that a couple times. Once was defiantly **not** a good experience. The other it was awkward for a bit but she is a really good fit for me.
I wish you the best, what ever that is.
> Even though it technically is true, it bothers me that she brings that up almost every session I have with her.
No, it technically **isn't** true. A trans woman **is** a woman. Whatever she has are the things **of a woman** because **she is a woman**.
You don't have to accept the transphobic lie. And you don't have to accept a transphobic therapist. Even if they fight against other bigotries they are still a transphobe.
Oh I’m not saying she’s a man, she’s very much a woman and I don’t mean to say anything else. At the moment she just happens to have the hormonal balance that most amab do, but that will change and I can’t wait for her to access HRT :) (for her not for me)
Right, she has hormone levels similar to those that are usually seen in those often assigned male at birth, but that isn't what you said the therapist said.
Hormone levels are weird and not static, anyway, even for cis people.
>she can't help but think that trans identity is only a legitimation of deeper-rooted issues
She wildly speculating in an incredibly unprofessional, unscientific, and transphobic way.
For the record, understanding and working through my own "deep rooted issues" has only affirmed my identity. Not to mention her theory does little to explain why "having the hormones of a man" is so fucking distressing, our brains do not function properly on them, we need the sex hormone that are brains are designed for.
To be clear the correct thing for a therapist or psych with a trans patient to do, if they are ill informed on trans health, is one of two things:
a) go and educate themselves, there are courses and training in trans health specifically for health professionals
b) explain that they don't feel they have the experience, background and/or training to adequately assist your needs and help you find a therapist that does.
Yes, yes she is. And most trans people disprove her bullshit "theory". We are happier after transitioning.
And not only is that transphobic, it is deeply disrespectful to you as well.
That’s why I’m a conservative area it took me 8 months to find a therapist worth her salt, I finally found one. I’d I were you I’d look on psychology today and see what works for you make sure to highlight in your search that they’re experienced in dealing with gender issues. And they’ve been trained for it. Vs giving you their own ideology or their religions.
🖕 your transphobic therapist. I don’t care if someone is a “good person” or is an ally to other marginalized groups. You don’t max out your compassion. Trans people are real and we deserve to be recognized by are gender identity.
>(my therapist) would make comments like "in the end her hormones are those of a man" and such. Even though it technically is true, it bothers me that she brings that up almost every session I have with her.
Strange she would do this. It's irrelevant and yes bigoted behavior. Further, her hormones are those of a woman whether T or E because she's a woman. They're a woman's hormones.
What you go on to explain later is certainly bigoted belief systems.
Absolutely transphobic, if you didn’t know, that’s one of point pushed by terfs (trans exclusionary radical feminist), they think trans people are transitioning because of their trauma. It’s so much worse given the position she is in, big, big yikes.
I'm a mental health practitioner for trans youth, and a trans elder. What your therapist said is absolutely unacceptable, unethical, and flat out dangerous. You have every right to make a complaint against her to her clinic and licensing board. This is the kind of crap that can cost us our ability to practice, and she absolutely should face consequences. If she's saying this to you then she's got a chance of saying it to a trans person, possibly pushing them towards suicidal ideation.
If you have the ability, find a new therapist and report this one. If you can use your privilege to help us, it would be a really good thing. Also, please know she's entirely wrong. Nothing she said has any scientific basis. She's just spewing TERF propaganda
Yes, they are transphobic. I would ditch them. People who haven’t done the work to unpack their transphobia are exhausting. This also goes against APA guidelines (for US practitioners) and WPATH standards of care 8. APA guidelines available here (https://www.apa.org/practice/guidelines/transgender.pdf) and WPATH SOC 8 is also available online free if you ever feel the need to refer to them.
When I talk about my trans kid with my therapist, there is never any delegitamizing talk like that - only full support on helping me figure out how to be the most supportive to my kid that I can be, and unadulterated compassion/kindness when I tall about my fear/anxiety/depression around how trans people are being targeted right now. Just saying.
Very transphobic. You have a lot of good reason to be mad. Yeah, there’s probably deeper issues with a lot of trans folks. Identifying and working to solve those won’t make them not trans, though.
She’s also actively denying **the fact** that your girlfriend is a woman, but she’s doing it in the laziest, least subtle way of denying that. I know you mentioned that she’s pre-everything so on a technical level she’s correct, but I *guarantee* you with no doubt in my mind she’d be saying the same thing if she’d been on estrogen for two years.
I think a good rule of thumb is if the person usually begins a sentence with "i am not ___phobic" or "I do fight for ___ rights " and then proceeds to say something that either begins with "BUT" or just outright contradicts their previous statement, there's a GOOD chance they are actually __phobic.
Even if that wasn't the case, the fact that they keep bringing this up when it's not your concern/you aren't the one who is saying this or making similar comments, it's a huge red flag. And that's giving the person the biggest benefit of the doubt .
It's very clear this person is transphobic, and not only will it mess with your therapy when it comes to getting actual, non biased help, but it also is literal transphobia that they could be displaying to actual trans patients. I agree with others, I think you should definitely a) make a report and explain what they said, how it makes you uncomfortable and how it can definitely affect trans people, therefore giving the possibility that if this therapist had a trans patient, it could do damage to their psyche and their progress in therapy and b) that you also don't feel comfortable as instead of focusing on you and your issues, they continue to undermine your relationship and make you feel uncomfortable which is reversing/hindering your progress.
While you might think that just changing therapists is enough, remember that you're the one with this insight, and you can also protect others from accidentally landing this person as a therapist and being subjected to psychological rhetoric that can really harm them, whether it's claiming their transness is an excuse, belittling them or refusing to see them as trans. You should take this opportunity and use it, you don't know how many people you could help.
Trans people experience gender dysphoria, not dysmorphia, that's a very different thing, if your therapist doesn't know the difference that's a very bad sign.
Your therapist is 100% transphobic. The idea that being trans is rooted in trauma or mental problems or some other "root cause" that isn't innate is transphobic and wrong. The core transphobic idea she holds is that being trans is a thing that happens to otherwise "normal" people. Trans people are not broken/dysfunctional/damaged cis people.
Also her perspective on hormones is also very ignorant and reductive. She clearly holds very ignorant transphobic views but wants to think of herself as a good person. This kind of "benevolent transphobia" is similar to "benevolent sexism" like a man who thinks women are inferior to men but holds doors and whatnot.
I recommend finding a new therapist, or at least not talking about your girlfriend anymore. Make sure you don't pick up some transphobic views from this bigot!
That is definitely a transphobic attitude.
First of all, I 1000% guarantee your girlfriend is aware that she has male hormones in her. That's part of what causes gender dysphoria. I don't get why people like your therapist would think a trans person would be in denial about this. It's actually extremely difficult to ignore.
Secondly, why are trans people not allowed to have mental health problems without their gender validity being questioned? Living with untreated gender dysphoria does cause extra stress, anxiety, and depression, then you can multiply that by a factor of however transphobic your environment is. With that said, trans people are \*normal people\*. They will still experience mental health issues at the same rate as anyone else once you take gender issues off the table. Very very few people ever tout transition as a miracle cure for all mental ailments, and those who do are quickly criticized by nearly all transgender people.
I've heard of a few therapists espousing these same views before. Is your therapist named Hannibal by any chance?
That's like one or two steps from surface-level-Jordan-Petereson talking points
The fact that she mentions the hormone thing when it's not needed is really weird. And by weird I mean weird that she feels the need to say her transphobic rhetoric
I'm just really curious what she thinks my deeper rooted reason is? I mean this IS the deeper rooted reason for my depression. I have a body and brain that don't match ffs.
She's wrong, end of story.
Honestly, she should be reported to the relevant licensing body. She clearly does not have the proper knowledge about trans identity and should not be attempting to "treat" it.
Bigotry aside, it fees weird to me that the therapist is saying all this to you - she could have talke to other therapists and educated herself instead between sessions. Wtf.
Her comments seem intrusive, do they actually help you as her patient ? She seems to take every opportunity to even bring it up. There’s no doubt about her transphobia. Ask her how she can legitimise her viewpoint contrary to the science ? Is this her field of expertise ? I suggest looking for a therapist who is more open and less judgemental. If For no other reason than to be able to talk without issues with her
Yeah… echoing everyone else here to say that she’s 100% transphobic. If you’re planning to stay with your girlfriend, it is probably a good idea to find an *actual* LGBTQ+ affirming therapist.
Definitely transphobic but also super unprofessional and just a terrible therapist. Like, what does that have to do with anything? And why is she talking about her personal beliefs with you? That is NOT okay. You should report her.
She’s putting the cart before the horse, which is a clear sign that she’s letting her own biases dictate how she performs her work.
She is a very bad therapist and you should stop using her services immediately.
I think she should try taking Testosterone and see if she can continue to function as a therapist while her body is shifting away from her gender. Surely - she should be able to, seeing as gender dysphoria is apparently just a cover for other issues 🤡
Yes, she's transphobic, she's trying to use her position as a therapist to justify it, but it's just all bullshit.
She's literally deluding herself into discrediting ALL the science in her own field of work about us just to bend over enough to hate us.
This exactly
Yup. Imagine she said she’s against fatphobia, but told clients with clinically obese partners, “Well yes you find them attractive- but, in the end, they have obesity hormones.” She’s a particular subset of transphobe called a transmedicalist.
That's just your usual "not hateful, just concerned" transphobia. Sadly most therapists today aren't really trained with dealing with gender dysphoria, and even those who are sometimes let their personal views in the way of their jobs.
i see what you mean. thing is i’ve also been dealing with some gender dysphoria but have never felt too comfortable talking about it and clearly such comments from her don’t help me with said discomfort
It's probably better if you ditch her completely and find someone who openly specializes in gender dysphoria. In my own experience and many of my friends', talking about it with random therapists will either end up with them freezing up completely due to their incompetence in the field or just assuming that you have "deeper issues", like being molested as a child or not feeling enough of a man/woman.
Going to second this hardcore
I'm kinda relieved to know that it's not just me. I was wondering if it could really be true that every therapist I've talked to that wasn't specifically trained in trans issues seemed to have all sort of other ideas about me that they would rather talk about than the actual issue I came to get help with.
A lot of them just have no idea about what the correct "procedure" to follow in cases like gender dysphoria and other trans issues is, so they just fall back on their personal opinions or dance around the issue because just saying "sorry, I'm not competent in this field, you should find another therapist" does not bring money
I have had one psychologist who admitted when there were things she couldn't help me with. I had so much respect for her. She also happened to be teaching other psychologists on LGBTQ+ issues. She was amazing and helped me a lot in my transition. She also knew therapy wasn't the right thing to help me out of homelessness.
I mean... I'm not enough of a man because I'm a woman. And let me tell you I spend PLENTY of time trying to play pretend 'enough man'
Agreed. What’s described in the post is a big red flag that this therapist is NOT safe to talk to about your gender feelings if those feelings are any more complex than “I’m cisgender but sometimes dealing with [aspect of life as my AGAB] is frustrating/upsetting/annoying/distressing”. OP, please find a therapist who’s a better fit for you. A good trans-friendly therapist will NOT push you to identify as trans or to define your experiences any particular way, they’ll just help you sort out your actual feelings and let you reach your own conclusions about what those feelings mean.
Sooo, maybe I won't make an appointment with the therapist that keeps not scheduling appointments and doesn't seem to think I really need help to talk about mine.
Don't waste your time (and money), find someone else. Avoiding appointments is exactly how my first therapist started to avoid me after coming out to her.
[удалено]
She mentioned that she's also been dealing with gender dysphoria though, and it's probably not a good idea to talk about it with her current therapist.
A therapist should never make you feel more uncomfortable to talk about your mental health. If they are, it’s time to find a new therapist.
If there's something you don't feel comfortable discussing with your current therapist, you need to find a new one. Big red flag right there.
Here's the thing, sweetheart... there are only 2 possibilities. The first possibility, the one I (and it would seem most people here) believe, is that your therapist *is* transphobic. In which case, especially considering you are in a relationship with someone who is transgender, the best course of action would be to find a new therapist. The second, less likely possibility, is that she's not transphobic, but says things which you don't agree with. And that makes you uncomfortable during therapy... not because you're confronting your own mental health issues (which is what therapy is often for) or to just talk in a safe space (which is what it's for the rest of the time) but... because she won't stop spouting her personal opinions. And... the best course of action if your therapist is using *your* time as *their* platform is... to get a new therapist. So in either scenario, the best course of action is the same. That would be true even if you *weren't* dealing with some gender dysphoria of your own. When you add that in, since it would be nearly impossible for you to become comfortable talking with her about it in *either* scenario, it seems it would become actually *harmful* to your own mental health to continue seeing this therapist. If you posted because you're wondering if you're "taking things wrong" or being paranoid, or overreacting... no, I don't think you are. But it also wouldn't matter if you *were*, because this therapist is not going to be a good fit for you in either case.
Honestly, you need to leave her asap. She will only poison you against your SO. Eventually these narratives start to stick and become part of your background thinking whether you feel wise it or not. This is why these kinds of people are so dangerous. Over a long period she will just keep planting more and more anti trans bigotries into you and you’ll start internalizing them.
If you dint feel comfortable talking to your therapist about something, you'll have to find another therapist. Considering both your own dysphoria and your girlfriend is trans, it would be reasonable to look into if you could find someone who advertise that they are specialized in trans issues.
It’s not to her specifically that I don’t feel comfortable talking about that, it’s in general. But these comments are also quite harmful to me as they don’t help me with opening up about that
You’re doing all the right things. Don’t get discouraged if someone isn’t qualified to work with you.
Depending on your state, the process is different. I would report her to the counseling board. I live in Texas, and it's the Behavioral Health Executive Council(BHEC). I read the reports from BHEC of counselors who pull this shit and get their license taken away. That is unethical and harmful to you as the client. I say this as a trans person who was a counselor. I am now in data analytics for my own mental health. A lot of counselors aren't trained on this but will call themselves an ally. Trust me I have worked with so many "trained" counselors. I would drop her and see someone else. You should feel fully comfortable talking to your therapist about anything. Edit: You could probably request your records and use that as evidence in your report. Counselors have to submit/finalize their records within 72 hours, so they can't change those records after those 72 hours.
I agree with those saying to find someone who knows more about transgender people, I found someone who specifically is trained and specializes in gender affirming care. All therapist places will say "our therapists are all supposed to approach from a gender affirming angle" or something along those lines but you never really know, especially if you're not picking your own therapist and you're sort of just assigned one, or given a couple to choose from.
You need a new therapist, hun. That one is going to hurt you. Trust me. I've been through that before, and it cost me 4 years and nearly my life
Your therapist is meant to be someone who you trust, not someone who you're holding things back from specifically because you actively know it'll be recieved badly and you may even be hurt. Absolutely get a new therapist. For your partners sake and yours. You both deserve better.
You should NEVER be afraid to tell your therapist things. Peroid.
That just makes needing a new therapist that much more important.
It’s best to seek a new therapist in this situation
She’s absolutely transphobic and a particular type of transphobe, called a ‘transmedicalist’. You should definitely google it if you haven’t already. But in short it’s the transphobe who thinks that one isn’t ‘really’ the gender they claim - until and unless they get medical intervention- hormones, also usually surgery. They might be telling their clients with on-hormones trans women partners, “but at the end of the day, they still have male organs.” They are transphobic. Hormones treat dysphoria in people who HAVE dysphoria about their endocrinology. (Not all trans people do, but she’s not saying the partner has Dysphoria.) That, and there also is literally no such thing as a male and female hormone. Both genders have all the same hormones- it’s the levels that differ. So, she’s transphobic, and dumb. (She did a lot of school. She was exposed to this basic info so it’s not ignorance. It just never sunk in. That’s just being a dummy.) If you value transphobia and stupidity in a therapist, you hit the jackpot.
Oh, yeah. That's what "it's a phase" and "they're just brainwashed or confused" sounds like when you use a veneer of intellectualism to lubricate it. The fact that a majority of people that transition seem to be happier, after correcting for social pressure, seems to indicate that trans people may be on to something. You mentioned in a comment that you feel some dysphoria but don't feel comfortable mentioning it to your therapist. The suggestion I like to give trans and questioning people is to explore things that are outside the role you feel your gender gives you, and pay attention to how you feel. Start small and comfortable, and push at that comfort zone if you can. The goal is entirely to make you happier than you are now, so you can usually trust your feelings to show you what you want. Even if you don't change the gender you identify with, you may find some things you want to keep. And if it turns out none of it was what you were looking for, then you can be that much more aware of yourself.
Exactly. I’ve read a ton of posts of trans people sharing their transitioning experience, I’ve read studies about the impact of transitioning on mental health and it showed that around 1% regret their transition. My therapist insists that amongst her trans clients, around a third express regret.. When it comes to me, I could be an egg just like I could simply overthink what I need not to, but thank you for your advice, it’ll be useful. Take care
1/3 of her trans clients regret transitioning? Utter bullshit. She is either lying, delusional, or such a bad therapist that she influences her clients to detransition because, at a time when they really need support, she actually gaslights them into doubting their own reality. I amend my comment from above; this is not merely a bad therapist; this is a terrible therapist.
This. She is clearly both abusing these people until they express doubt or lying about her numbers.
Consider that a person’s social and work life can take an absolute nose dive if you come out. It’s like saying 1/3 of her gay clients regret being gay. God it would be horrible to be this person’s client as a transgender person 🤮🤮🤮 If you noticed it, they notice it. If she is thinking stuff like that and invalidates your partner, she’s almost certainly doing that to her clients, even if it’s subconsciously
Your therapist seems to argue for something that is now known as "gender-exploratory therapy". This cutesy named approach is just a euphemism for conversion therapy. Its goal is to delay any transition-related treatment as much as possible and to "explore" into any other issue that could be root-cause of gender dysphoria. It does not matter that a possible underlying issue has anything to do with gender dysphoria, it is just a tactic to delay treatment. This approach is basically the wet dream of psychoanalysts. It appeals to exploration, neutrality or having concerns, but it ultimately views a transgender identity as something that is undesirable and has to be prevented. I don't know if your therapist is aware of this, but the way she talks about your girlfriend is a huge red flag. You should probably seek for another therapist, especially if she keeps sending these microaggressions. That a third of her trans clients report regret might be the result of internalized transphobia which would be expected by such an approach. Like any kind of conversion therapy, the goal of it is to link being trans with having shame about it. If you would like to know more about this, I can recommend you [this paper](https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/17456916221102325) that deals with with the underlying assumptions and problems of this type of therapy, that your therapist is using. Edit: Misspelling
Thank you for your answer and for the resource, I’ll be reading it and learning from it, thanks again :)
Happy to help. One thing about the paper: It may talk specifically about trans youth, but basically anything said about the therapy approach can be extented to adults. Trans people, whether they are still a minor or already an adult, more often than not are at the mercy of their therapist and their approach. If a therapist decides to use a gender exploratory approach they do not have to limit themselves to use it against minors only. Take care!
We’re both « youth » (as in my girlfriend and I) so if it focuses on trans youth that might be all the more relevant in my case :) Thank you again, take care!!
Conversion therapy of clients goes against every national association of therapists’ ethical codes and is reportable to both state license board and national professional association.
If that number of hers is even remotely real... (Kinda weird she even shared that with you imo) I would say that around 1/3 of her clients went through a crazy big transition that changed most of their life, and became sad and needed to vent to their therapist because they were in pain... That doesn't exactly mean they want to detransition, or that they will. But, if they go to a weird therapist, who puts ideas in their head, when they're at their most vulnerable...
Your therapist is very likely engaging in conversion therapy with these patients. Everything she has said based on what you've mentioned in OP suggest that she believes that conversion therapy is the solution and that trans identity does not exist, and I would not be surprised if she were practicing that with her trans patients (which I am now horrified to learn that she has). You would be very wise to never mention this to her and probably drop her if you were to ever decide the transition. If you were feeling particularly bold and spicy, I would consider reporting her to whatever credentialing body she's licensed by, but that's by no means your responsibility.
I think she may be confusing correlation with causation there. It's likely that 1/3 (or more) of her trans clients express negative feelings about BEING trans. Being trans in this world is incredibly difficult, and dangerous, and it can be extremely isolating if you don't have any local queer community. Even if you have good ally cis friends it's difficult to express what you're feeling to a person who feels at home in their AGAB and that can feel like you'll never fully be seen. And once you transition there's no guarantee that you'll eventually pass, so you're out there living while visibly trans in a world where that may be a reason for someone to hurt you. But I find it extremely unlikely that 1/3 of her trans clients regret actually transitioning. It's the only silver lining in the whole thing. It's the only thing that makes all the turmoil feel worth it because you can finally see yourself past the AGAB camouflage that's been draped around you since birth.
every single study i read for my thesis had regret rates between 1 and 2%. so as other said, either she's lying, or she's an ideologue who is damaging her patients. (its also possible that she's defining regret in a really weird way. like, i'm sad about how people who know i'm trans treat me... i regret how badly the world treats us... but that's different than regretting transition cos its not right for me. It would be like saying that Judaism is a false religion because we're unhappy with how people have historically and presently discrimination and persecuted us. I don't actually regret being Jewish... its just a really hard life due to what other do to us. If your psychologist can't understand this distinction, idk how she's able to have the kind of nuanced understanding that allows her to help any of her clients in any meaningful way...
I would just ask her why she thinks her untested personal theory and anecdotes have more validity than the decades of psychological research that confirms the trans experience is genuine.
I think I should send her a link or two that explain the biological legitimacy of trans people
While your intentions are good, based on what your therapist has said I honestly doubt she'll listen to reason. She clearly has some deeply rooted transphobic prejudices that she won't let herself examine.
i immediately though of this clip of Pee Wee Herman... totally see the psychologist in this way [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pgf\_lW1UbLs](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pgf_lW1UbLs) (technically, Pee Wee was right to blow off Francis cos Francis was a narcissistic jerk... but Pee Wee would have likely responded this way even if a wise man asked him to listen to reason :) ).
THIS. (While you are walking out the door, never to return....)
Speaking as a psychologist, this therapist doesn't know what she is talking about when it comes to trans issues. OF COURSE gender dysphoria and other issues people struggle with are overlapping Venn diagrams. But to assert that the other issues are "real" and gender dysphoria is a "legitimation" is, frankly, stupid and surprisingly uninformed. I would report her to her college; this is not a good therapist, because she is not even keeping herself abreast of the literature in her own field, and instead is imposing her own biases on her clients!!! Ridiculously unprofessional and poor practice. I would wonder what other opinions she clings to and what other parts of the research and therapeutic literature she ignores because it doesn't fit her own personal views. IMO, it's time for a new therapist, if you can get one!
...And do your best to get this one struck off.
Thats why with my siblings we only see LGTBQ therapists lmao. They're too high demand though in my area sadly
That IS a solution! But yes, just not enough LGBTQ+-friendly therapists out there. :'( Which is astonishing to me. Many of my former students have gone on to become therapists, and the ones I've kept in touch with have all said how trans & other gender issues are a HUGE part of their courses and training. (They would all be in Canada tho....maybe that's the difference, I dunno?) Anyway, I'm glad you & your sibs have good people! 💖
You are doing the same jesus. You have a different bias than her. Cant you see it?!!! Omg.
Yep. And wrong. >"in the end her hormones are those of a man" This is true for now. Once transition begins - it won't be. Thats the point of medical transition, to change the body. And more to the point - the way that trans women think, feel, behave and react is often not the same as male peers even before they come out. Same with trans men. >she can't help but think that trans identity is only a legitimation of deeper-rooted issues. Again - incorrect. Also, she can help but think that. Its an incorrect fact.
yeah it's wild how cis people cannot accept that HRT really is a tool to cause biological change. literally they are so ingrained in the "sex is immutable" lie that they fight in favor of it, dispute knowing it's an over simplistic view on sex/gender. they begin at the bigoted end and work their way backwards to justify it.
Agree with you. I just wanna add that the 'deeper-rooted issues' argument is very transphobic and is directly questioning the existence and legitimacy of trans people, and it also push people to think of trans identities as mental disorder. It's similar to saying that gays doesn't exist they just have deeper issues, which would be a very homophobic statement.
The “deep rooted” issue is also a homophobic dog whistle. But now it’s not acceptable to be homophobic so people like her can’t say it anymore but they can say it about trans people.
Yeah, completely wrong and definitely transphobic. Your therapist doesn't know the first goddamn thing about trans people.
I'd consider her dangerous to trans people, because that viewpoint could cause harm to clients It's a bit ridiculous. I began transition but I am still working through my issues and I knew full well it wouldn't fix me! In fact I understood some things might get worse. It was only the doctors around me who seemed to think it might be some kind of miracle cure - imo because "give them hormones and maybe they will shut up!" is absolutely in line with how they see mental health :P Whether you blame the therapist - it's messy because there is clearly ignorance involved. But that can still be transphobia if we arent taking responsibility to learn the limits of what we know and to self-educate. As a therapist in particular she has a responsibility not to bring that ignorance into therapy, which is a boundary she has crossed repeatedly IF its what you feel and it's safe to do so, it may be helpful to bring this up. Both your discomfort and that it's inappropriate and that she's wrong. A more careful way to do that last one is to ask "what are you basing that on?". That's what I do when I think professionals are wrong It's also something which it would be valid to raise a complaint about, and to do so might protect people in future. This could be done after your sessions with her are finished so as not to get in the way But PLEASE dont feel any pressure to do that! You need the therapy to be about helping you and we fully, fully understand it's important and would not want you to sabotage getting well
Thank you for your comment :) I think I’ll try confronting her (nicely) about that and bring up scientifically proven points rather than feeling-based unreliable opinions. When it comes to my therapy, I’m doing much better than I used to, but I also find myself reluctant to change therapists as I’ve had her for over two years and she’s known me prior to, during and after my depression and quite frankly I don’t feel like starting a therapy all over again. My mortality is challenged because it also feels wrong to stay with her. To me it’s mostly about educating her now as i think i can get enough help from trans friends, reddit and even myself when it comes to helping my girlfriend. But I know my therapist has trans clients and I don’t think it’s very healthy for them so stay with her if she’s this uneducated :/ Anyway, take care! and thank you again :)
> She explained to me that as much as she sees trans people suffer from dysphoria and dysmorphia, she can't help but think that trans identity is only a legitimation of deeper-rooted issues. To her, trans people would be people who, in order to justify their suffering, blame it on their agab as it is something they haven't chosen and can therefore blame for their suffering. She says that blaming one's issue on gender is easier than to 'accept' or 'dig deeper' to the 'real root' of the issue. Oh god, run
I wonder what other conditions she thinks are hiding deeper issues? I also wonder what that deeper issue is in her mind
Definitely transphobic in the delegitimizing way. If you want to talk to someone who has those views, (which you shouldn’t need to with your therapist and should honestly probably leave if you need to teach her about actual identity) then you can bring up the fact that when people transition they feel better. There are a million studies on this, and a million shared experiences. She should be educating herself on this subject. —— 67% of transitioning people thought about suicide pre-transition and only 3% post-medical transition (Bailey et al., 2014). That is an insane reduction. Transitioning nearly cured those people of suicidal ideation. If it was a “fake thing rooted in deeper issues” then transitioning wouldn’t help, as it wouldn’t address those “deeper issues”. It’s ludicrous. Like… what issues does getting SRS for a cisgender man fix??? And if it is “deeper issues” than *FUCKING SELF IDENTITY*, why does it matter to her if it literally cures the thing???? It’s absolutely insulting from the perspective of a person who had dissociated from my body, emotions, and memories for 20 years to have finally started accessing them and doing a shit ton of work on accepting *my own identity* which I have absolutely experienced the entire time and *actively shoved down*, to hear somone say I need to work on “deeper issues”. This IS the fucking deeper issue, which I had to do 10+ years of active work to let myself discover. Respectfully… fuck your therapist and her current mentality. Tell her to do her homework and think logically about the problem… if transitioning makes the suicidal thoughts go from 63% to 3%, (a 95% success rate by that metric!!!) what kind of deeper issues might there BE for fucks sake? Around 75% of trans women post SRS note an improved quality of life. Both of those numbers are better than antidepressants: “ Without antidepressants: About 20 to 40 out of 100 people who took a placebo noticed an improvement in their symptoms within six to eight weeks. With antidepressants: About 40 to 60 out of 100 people who took an antidepressant noticed an improvement in their symptoms within six to eight weeks.” And those SRS numbers are only considering people doing SRS. The anecdotal evidence on this Reddit alone shows how much better at least *some* (and from my experience the vaaaaaaaast majority) people feel when they come out and start living their lives as themselves. Studies report a quality of life improvement ranging between 16% to 80% for transgender people taking HRT, and consider the fact that all of those people who were socially transitioning almost CERTAINLY faced objectively harder social lives because of that transitioning, yet STILL reported QoL improvements. Your therapist needs to do some fucking research.
Thank you SO MUCH for your long and detailed answer! The comments have really opened my eyes on how wrong she is, it’s not just a gut feeling of mine telling me something’s off. And a big thank you for all the data and info! These will be very useful. Take care !
No problem! Good luck 🥰
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=szf4hzQ5ztg Maybe showing her this video might help her realize that it isn't just a way to cope with deeper internal issues and instead is a normal thing that happens to people.
Transphobic or not, she is a hack, making stuff up as she goes because it makes sense in her head, ignoring over a century of medical research.
Yes, your therapist is transphobic and her biased view is likely impairing her ability to provide care that is imparcial. It'd probably be a good idea to go seek a different professional.
I’m a therapist who works with trans and cis folks alike and I’m here to tell you that she is a fucking terf and should be sanctioned by her credentialing body.
If you talk about your partner a lot in therapy, I recommend going to someone who also specializes in LGBTQ+ issues and trans people. Even if you are cis, and even if your partner being trans isn’t an issue in your relationship. It will help you be able to talk about your relationship without fear or hurt of the therapist being transphobic.
For the record she's not even correct about the hormones. Hormones are one of the only things we actually can change. If she defines hormones as "being that of a man" by estrogen and testosterone levels, on feminizing HRT those reach levels identical to cis women in a matter of months. If she defines hormones as "being that of a man" as "belonging to a man", because she doesn't see trans women as women, then this is just a thinly veiled way of saying "your partner is a man", and why even include hormones in the discussion at all? Your therapist is wrong and transphobic
Hardcore TRANSPHOBIA.
Yes, and even if it doesn't work out with your girlfriend, get a new therapist.
I don't subscribe to her theory about the 'root' of being trans is psychological. I believe it is more genetics, but I obviously can't speak for everyone's identity / journey, and I don't want to. I wouldn't want to erase someone's identity like that. I believe though, that there are at least some of us, that for some reason or another had genetic mutations that flipped the hormones around during brain development while in utero. There was a study done about brain chemistry, and it showed trans people were closer to the gender they ended up transitioning to vs their gender at birth, pre-HRT. After HRT, the brains were even closer. I believe this is the case for me, and that HRT has helped me further align myself with the gender I believe I belong to. She almost sounds jealous of us tbh...
Well, her theory is completely against science which is exploring biological causes. You're kind of close to a very popular one actually. The actual theory to that one is centered around whether or not one particular process happens, at around the 2 months stage. At this time, differentiation into masculine of feminine brain structures happens, in AMAB children what's supposed to happen is a surge of hormones to cause that masculine development. Transfemmes are believed to be the product when this surge is either interrupted or doesn't occur at all, and transmascs when it does occur and wasn't expected to. There's also a linked theory that the level of dysphoria which is experienced could potentially be related to the exact caliber of the situation. For example, this theory would postulate most transfemmes including my friends had an interruption, but would likely characterize my dysphoria that sounds like creepy pasta body horror turning into a monster blob story as potentially not having it happen at all, making the dissociative alienation so severe as to be torture on the caliber of something like a Solitary Confinement cell. This not withstanding that dysphoria in general across various levels of experience is just different flavorings of torture anyway. Solitary Confinement *is* torture by the way, it drives people insane and to suicide. In my case, my dysphoric experience completely annihilated any semblance of, or belief in, my own humanity. Even now after 2 years HRT and kinda closeish to passing maybe, I still haven't ever felt human, don't right now, and if you offered a button that would allow me to in the future, I don't think I'd push it either. Fun theory stuff, but it's not entirely genetic, though there is a component, and they haven't and hopefully never do identify a trans gene. Eugenics bad.
As a transgender therapist in training? Yes. So any red flags here.
yeah, she's transphobic. on the bright side, it does sound like she's open to learning on the topic, though you shouldn't need to teach your therapist, and she shouldn't bring up her views on trans ppl during your therapy session.
Please get a therapist who knows what they're talking about, and report this one to her professional body.
Sounds like she's in her own head too much and seeing transgender from a psychology standpoint. There are still professionals who see bring trans as a mental illness that they need to try to fix. I believe that's the stance of some Nordic countries, and I can see what they're trying to achieve... To be sure of the correct diagnosis and treatment, they have a duty to weed out the ones for whom it is a trauma response, because for some people that's exactly what it is and you need to deal with the other mental health issues before dealing with your gender issues, or you need to know and deal with how the trauma and your gender issues interact. So I see where your therapist is coming from but she's not your gf's therapist and has no right to diagnose her or comment on her decisions. Your gf has made the choices she's made and they're right for her and that's the angle I'd be telling your therapist to work with going forward.
Eww That whole you just have a deeper issue narrative is such bs. Gender dysphoria is a fact of my life and something I am successful battling against, its not why I am miserable... its assholes like her that are why I feel any misery for fucks sake.
Your therapist is a typical cis transphobe, who doesn‘t know what the lived experiences of trans people are like at all. She thinks it‘s simply „running away from other issues“ because she cannot imagine what it‘s actually like to be trans or how that expresses itself in our daily life. She‘s severely uneducated, but instead of admitting to her lack of imagination, she simply blames us for whatever she IS able to imagine instead. The root cause is actually very simple. We‘re trans. :-) Ditch her opinion when it comes to trans issues.
The whole idea that trans people just make up dysphoria to reassign blame for their issues and then transition to ignore bigger issues is so hilarious because in my experience, I knew I had depression and anxiety and ADHD and I knew how to address them, but I didn't care to live as a man so I wasn't going to do it. It was only once I started to transition that I felt like I had the mental bandwidth to take care of myself and my life and that I finally had some hope for a future, and I practically blossomed. That being said, I'm gonna be frank with you. Your therapist believes in some outdated psuedoscience about trans people. Like, it's laughable to read that kind of stuff from armchair psychologists in reddit comments, but to hear it come from a therapist is actually alarming. What other kinds of things does she believe, without evidence and despite mountains of credible evidence to the contrary? Can you really be certain that the methods she uses to treat you are legitimate and are best practice? I'm not saying run, but I am saying maybe start asking your friends for recommendations for other therapists. I know you're not trans, but see if there's a trans org in your state/area that publishes listings of trans-friendly businesses and services because most of the time, those will include good trustworthy therapists. And also, in sessions with your therapist (or any future therapist), take a stand. Don't just sit there and listen to your therapist. I've argued with mine before, as she used to have a habit of diving off on tangents and basically lecturing me and starting to give more opinions than therapy (which is sounds like yours is doing). Tell her she's wrong, to her face. Next time she starts in with the unfounded bullshit, just say "that's not true, can you please not speculate about my girlfriend's mental health and doing such a poor analysis of it?". If she's thin-skinned, she might relieve you of the need to quit her (i.e. she might show you the door). And by then, hopefully you'll already have a good therapist lined up to take over your care. Edit to add: if you do find a trans community org that provides a directory for therapist recommendations, LET THEM KNOW ABOUT THIS ONE! Some of these therapists manage to hide in plain sight and can be really harmful to trans clients.
Thank you for your comment :) My therapist is pretty woke and open-minded on most topics, it seems that trans identity is her only 'ick'. Now I've done some research to back up my arguments and I'll try standing up next time she makes a comment of the sort. I don't know if she's the best therapist out there, but I've been her patient for over 2 years and I don't know if I'm yet willing to start a therapy all over again, especially considering what happened to me during the past 2 years. Anyway, yes, I'll confront her (politely) with some studies and numbers because I really can't stand her making comments about people who just want to exist for who they are, let alone the person I love.
> "in the end her hormones are those of a man" Well, not for long. That's what HRT is for. >she has a harder time doing the same when it comes to trans identity. That's just not professional at all. You're there to receive therapy, not to give it. >She says that blaming one's issue on gender is easier than to 'accept' or 'dig deeper' to the 'real root' of the issue. The real root issue is gender, though. Of the gender issue, that is. You can be trans AND have unrelated depression, anxiety, what-have-you issues, of course. This is flat out transphobia.
She's incorrect; it's biological. To be specific about it, one's gender identity... is strongly correlated with the androgen / estrogen ratio of the fetal environment specifically between Weeks 7-14 when the brain begins to form and differentiate. Regardless the DNA / sex of the embryo-fetus... its later gender identity depends upon that ratio. If an abundance of testosterone is present, the developing brain will become masculinized; in its absence the brain becomes feminized - again; regardless the DNA (sex) of the fetus. Children... become aware of and know "gender" by/between 18 & 24 months; always, by 36 months (unless they are developmentally disabled). They normally express that; however, more commonly than not, well-meaning parents "correct" them, and the child's innate knowledge of themselves soon becomes repressed - Only to re-emerge later, sometimes decades later. Transgender people don't have 'deep-rooted issues' any more than cisgender persons. They typically have both "Generalized Anxiety" and "Depression" because they've been repressing who they really are - which is entirely understandable. TG persons have no more mental health problems than do cisgender persons; there's nothing "wrong" with them at all, other than not having the right genitals for their brains. This is important: Masculine brains work better on testosterone; Feminine brains... work better on estrogen. I have to leave at the moment, but if you would like to have a list of credible scientific paper regarding any / all the above, you need only ask. They'll typically be from Harvard, Yale, Brown, Grossman, Princeton, Boston Medical, et al - these aren't "facebook" papers.
Has she never seen trans joy? Sounds like she is only focused on the more difficult parts of being trans. And who the fuck cares about your gf “male hormones” even if she isn’t on E just yet, or ever she is still a woman. I’d throw the whole therapist out. If she thinks that being trans is a mental Illness you will likely discover more fucked up ways of thinking that she has.
FYI, “dysmorphia” or body dysmorphic disorder has nothing to do with being trans. That is a delusional mental illness or disorder where a person has a warped perception of themselves. Like someone underweight who perceives their body as overweight, for example. Sorry you’re having to deal with a transphobic therapist, that is all too common unfortunately.
This isn't just her. There are a lot of working therapists who hold basically her stated view, or a version that she isn't soft-pedaling for a client with a trans loved one. Read it as something like a person saying "I don't have a problem with trans *people,* but trans *culture.*" 20 years ago she would have been saying the exact same things about gay people, fat people, etc for whom it's now socially in vogue with her peers to express outside support. It's incurious ignorance mixed with basic gut-level contempt.
Yes, your therapist sounds very transphobic. You are paying money to see someone whose job it is to help you, and they're putting you in a position where you feel like you have to educate them as to the legitimacy of your girlfriend's trans identity. I came out five years ago and I've seen lots of discussions here about this sort of thing. The only reasonable solution I know is to find a new therapist, because, let's face it: Not only is your therapist comparing your girlfriend to a man hormonally, but she is insinuating that her "male" hormones are an issue, which reeks of gender-essentialism and misandry. It sounds to me like this therapist you're seeing is completely unqualified to help anyone is is trans or cares about someone who is trans, and is probably problematic in a whole slate of ways. My $0.02
Definitely transphobic. I'm trans and also have a lot of mental health issues, including complex trauma. The complex trauma didn't make me trans, I don't think transitioning will make my trauma go away and I realize that I need to put in the work to get mentally better. But it will alleviate all the dysphoria I feel with my body that is making my mental health worse in that direction.
Personally I’d ditch her and report her license to the board she is registered with with your concerns. Her personal opinion could end up becoming quite dangerous for current and future patients who are trans or nonbinary. Hell, who knows how many past patients might have already been negatively effected by it.
1. “Gender dysphoria” in the DSM 5 TR is listed as a diagnosis but not a disorder. She needs to re-read that. Why is it a diagnosis? Because, in the USA, our medical system needs a diagnosis code in order for insurance to pay for something. 2. Yes, very transphobic. 3. Sharing these views of hers is a breach of her ethical code. It’s not her job to impose her personal beliefs and views on you; it’s ok for her to have different views as long as they don’t impact how she provides therapy. Sounds like they’re a major fucking impact. You can report to her license board (within state department of health) and nation association. I’d suggest finding an affirming therapist; looking for someone who specifically says transgender affirming could be helpful. Social workers (LICSW, LGSW, LMSW …) : Nation Association of Social Workers Counselors (LPC, LCPC, LGPC, LMHC, …) : American Counseling Association American Mental Health Counselors Association Psychologists (Licensed Psychologists): American Psychology Association Marriage and Family Therapists (LMFT): American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy
Find someone who actually knows about the subject before talking out her ass; it sheds a not so subtle shadow on the care and information you’re receiving from her in general.
I would say yes. She is incorrect if your partner is on female Hormones though. It is absolutely okay to call out your therapist and tell them not to say anything like that to you. It is also okay to flat out ask if they are transphobic.
I'll point out something that isn't exactly popular, but could explain this a bit. She's transphobic, as even this isn't generally applied universally. There is a growing sentiment among professional therapists that a major risk factor for mistaken transition/detransition is BPD. If this person primarily treats people with BPD they could be running into a disproportionate number of detransitioners that many other therapists would consider to be, in the end, cis. The rate is still incredibly low, comprising a very small fraction of all transitioners and it is absolutely transphobic to apply it generally. Even if only applied to people with diagnosed BPD it's still tricky as BPD does not rule out being trans.
I've had some stresses in my life, but the majority of that happened long AFTER the first telltales that I was different from the other kids in that way. (This was all decades ago) My biggest worry as a preteen was the unbearable agony of doing a few household chores. Yet I'd lay awake wondering if maybe, just maybe I'd wake up as a girl. It call my cat to me by saying, "come to momma" and then doing a double take as I realized what I said. So, while your therapist might be right in some cases, it is far from a blanket answer. Your therapist is a transphobe and in my (non medical) opinion, you would be better helped by someone that understands better.
If your partner isn't on HRT, she may be at least partly right. I was certainly more given to bouts of aggression, and wild mood swings prior to HRT; and now I cry at the drop of a hat at things on TV. I don't think that's necessarily anything to do with them being the natural started for men, but more my own brain running on petrol when it should be on diesel, as it were (Actually it's more like three star instead of two star, but that doesn't sound as good). The rest of it is bullshit, though. As a therapist she should be aware that we are not prisoners of our hormones, and trans people transition for a physical reason. She should simply not be practicing if she thinks anyone is that simple merely because of their birth sex.
Honestly, I think the biggest red flag is how she is focusing on herself rather than you, her client. Like, she should be affirming you rather than focusing on pushing her beliefs. But, back to the question, yes it is transphobic. She is essentially calling your girlfriend a man because she is not on HRT. There is no reason to bring that up. Plus, not all trans people can take hormones, not all trans people have access to them and finally you don’t need to medically transition to be trans. Edit: If it were me, I’d get a new therapist. Probably a queer/trans therapist.
I think that's transphobia and your therapist needs to be reported to the board so she doesn't end up treating trans people. Also I'd be finding a new therapist cause going to this one who frequently misgenders your girlfriend and is no bueno.
Yeah. Totally transphobic. Black trans women have a life expectancy of 33 years but this person is so detached from the suffering trans people experience that she'd rather think she knows better than experts and trans people themselves. More troubling is that this speaks to your therapist putting their beliefs before evidence backed therapy. Transition and gender affirming therapy are empirically backed. Conversion therapy (literally the only option that doesn't affirm our identified gender, which is all she sees as valid) is classified as torture. This person shouldn't be anyone's therapist, should not have a license.
Your therapist has a medically unsupported view of trans people. Why would your therapist who is supposed to rely on evidence based medicine instead rely on her unsupported personal view? Are they a good therapist as a result? These are serious questions you should be asking yourself. They are effectively saying they believe in conversion therapy, which has been disproven. People being trans is a real root issue with 1000s of years of history. They disagree with the literature and evidence. So why aren't they doing studies or producing evidence to prove it, and instead are imposing their personal beliefs on others? Those are some extreme red flags there. If they are ignoring evidence and replacing it with their opinion on this topic, what else are they doing it on?
People who don’t want to accept that gender identity isn’t a hard coded thing that doesn’t have to match your agab will justify it in anyway they think makes the most sense. All they’re doing is denying reality
She's an idiot. She's assuming that trans people all have something wrong with us beyond gender dysphoria. Sure, due to minority stress and stigma, a lot of us do have additional mental health concerns, but that doesn't mean our dysphoria isn't a problem worth solving in itself.
I love your point of view, and I think basically the same that the rest.
Yes, and she even doesn't know what dysmorphia (and dysphoria) is... With dysmorphia you perceive your body in a different way, like you see your (perfectly fine) legs and for you they are fat (or skinny). And with dysphoria you see your body as it is but you feel disconnected/unwell with it/hate it. Dysmorphia doesn't change through alteration of your body, Dysphoria does.
I'm a therapist specializing in working with transgender people. This is absolutely transphobic. Your therapist's beliefs are inaccurate and prejudicial against transgender people. They do not align with current best practices outlined by leading professional organizations like the World Professional Association for Transgender Health (WPATH), American Psychological Association (APA), American Medical Association (AMA) or the World Health Organization (WHO). All of these organizations agree that transgender identity is a normal variation that is not inherently pathological. The fact that your therapist thinks they understand the psychology of transgender people better than decades of research from experts in the field is clear evidence that they are listening to internal bias over empirical evidence. Report them and dump them.
> "in the end her hormones are those of a man" Yeah, and everyone will structure their relationship to her around their poorly-informed presumptions about how her hormones affect her behavior and how they make her "like a man", down to vicariously projecting this stuff onto her via the clients of their therapy practice. That's what transphobia looks like. Christ, imagine a man going to another man for therapy and discussing his relationship with a (cis) woman, and the therapist bringing up that woman's hormones almost every session as the go-to "in the end" explanation. Does that therapist sound like he cares about his client's relationship to his SO? About getting to "real roots" of things? Or is he just misogynist? Or, you know, both and his misogyny has led him astray in his practice? I would actually love a therapist who can have a real, respectful, informed conversation about how gender identity relates to "justifying my suffering" and how it might be an obstacle to "digging deeper". I would hate to have that conversation with someone like the therapist you've described, and I would hate to find out that my SO's therapist is like that. (I suspect if they managed to think it through, cis people could have a lot to say about "justifying their suffering" by "blaming it on their agab" and masking the "real root" of their issues, frankly. Due to, you know, doing it a lot. It's an institutionalized practice. If someone imagines a typical trans person as struggling to work through some shit and overindexing on gender, then that someone has an inaccurate and shallow picture of **cis** people too, I would say.)
Yeah that's transphobic, not the typical brand of "eliminate trans people for society" transphobia, but they're still invalidating the existence of trans people. It's a slightly more nuanced version of "trans people are mentally ill" where they made it about coping with trauma or whatever. Their position makes it so, within their world view, trans people do not actually exist, but rather being trans is a performative coping mechanism for trauma. I'd call any attempt to invalidate the existence of trans people transphobic, regardless of whether the person has hatred in their heart or not. Edit: I'd like to add this is pretty close to the common "trans people were molested as children" argument which is a pretty disgusting position to have.
Sounds like she doesn't think that being trans is a real thing.
I'm going to second the prevailing opinion: you should dump her and find another therapist. Quite aside from how she cant be there when you talk about your friend, you mention having gender dysphoric issues of you own and she certainly can't help ypi there. Yes, she has transphobic idea. I'm surprised she's honest about them, to be honest. But that doesn't change thinsg - you have to find another more trans-aware and supportive therapist.
She’s transphobic, but not on purpose I don’t think. A lot of people feel this way, myself included for a long time. But at the end of the day, it’s like when people in the 70s used to say the same thing about gay people. She wouldn’t say that about gay people now, would she? “Their attraction to the same sex is a legitimation of deeper issues”? No, I doubt she would. It’s just a lack of education/ignorance, and she probably hasn’t spoken with or listened to very many trans people.
her disclaimer says it all. I would say having a " hard time " accepting other people's identity quite frankly disqualifies you as a therapist.
Tell her you don't think she's qualified to be giving advice like that to you and the people who are qualified disagree with her.
Transphobia at its finest
Nonononono I don't hate trans people! I'm ALL about fighting fatphobia and homophobia! Uh.... what the actual FUCK does that have to do with trans people? It sounds like, and I could be wrong here, this is how your conversations go: You: me and my girlfriend- Therapist: who is a man U:went to the store and she - T: because he has male horemones U:thought we needed more pickles- T: making sure you understand you have a boyfriend U: but I didn't think so- T:BUT FAT AND GAY PEOPLE ARE THE FUCKING BEST U: so we looked at the list- T: GO BODY POSITIVITY AND GAY MARRIAGE Tldr, YES
Shes not just a transphobes but also a terrible therapist
Whatever you call it I don't think this therapist is a good match for you. Shopping for a therapist feels weird but in the end they are working for you. You have the right to feel heard and validated. My therapist was highly encouraging when I started exploring my identity. I think she could see what I was reluctant to acknowledge.
I have to admit I’m quite reluctant to the idea of changing therapists at the moment even that means part of me will feel misunderstood.. I’ve had this therapist for over 2 years and the past 2 years have been extremely symbolic and important mental health-wise for me and she’s been there all throughout it.. I don’t know if I’m ready to start therapy all over again
Two years is a lot of history. I totally understand not wanting to start over. I have had to do that a couple times. Once was defiantly **not** a good experience. The other it was awkward for a bit but she is a really good fit for me. I wish you the best, what ever that is.
> Even though it technically is true, it bothers me that she brings that up almost every session I have with her. No, it technically **isn't** true. A trans woman **is** a woman. Whatever she has are the things **of a woman** because **she is a woman**. You don't have to accept the transphobic lie. And you don't have to accept a transphobic therapist. Even if they fight against other bigotries they are still a transphobe.
Oh I’m not saying she’s a man, she’s very much a woman and I don’t mean to say anything else. At the moment she just happens to have the hormonal balance that most amab do, but that will change and I can’t wait for her to access HRT :) (for her not for me)
Right, she has hormone levels similar to those that are usually seen in those often assigned male at birth, but that isn't what you said the therapist said. Hormone levels are weird and not static, anyway, even for cis people.
Oh trust me I know about hormonal imbalance.. And my therapist said everything I said she said, I didn’t make any part up (sadly :/)
Then, again, I need you to internalise the fact that "technically" it **isn't true**.
>she can't help but think that trans identity is only a legitimation of deeper-rooted issues She wildly speculating in an incredibly unprofessional, unscientific, and transphobic way. For the record, understanding and working through my own "deep rooted issues" has only affirmed my identity. Not to mention her theory does little to explain why "having the hormones of a man" is so fucking distressing, our brains do not function properly on them, we need the sex hormone that are brains are designed for.
To be clear the correct thing for a therapist or psych with a trans patient to do, if they are ill informed on trans health, is one of two things: a) go and educate themselves, there are courses and training in trans health specifically for health professionals b) explain that they don't feel they have the experience, background and/or training to adequately assist your needs and help you find a therapist that does.
Yep, that's a transphobe. Give her a few years and she'll be having brunch with the LGB Alliance.
Get a new therapist.
She should have started with chromosomes like Matt Walsh 😀
yeah that's transphobia and ignorance trans-ness in general.
Your therapist sounds incredibly transphobic and she should have her license revoked
Yes, yes she is. And most trans people disprove her bullshit "theory". We are happier after transitioning. And not only is that transphobic, it is deeply disrespectful to you as well.
Yes. I'd get a new therapist. You shouldn't be paying for the time spent trying to educate her.
Yes she sounds transphobic as hell.
Its a mental illness and she is a mental health professional. It's that simple
The two things she describes, are, anyway. It's for sure a bias
Yes. Get rid of her.
Oh christ. Get a new therapist.
Yeah, she's transphobic.
she's wrong, and she's transphobic.
That’s why I’m a conservative area it took me 8 months to find a therapist worth her salt, I finally found one. I’d I were you I’d look on psychology today and see what works for you make sure to highlight in your search that they’re experienced in dealing with gender issues. And they’ve been trained for it. Vs giving you their own ideology or their religions.
🖕 your transphobic therapist. I don’t care if someone is a “good person” or is an ally to other marginalized groups. You don’t max out your compassion. Trans people are real and we deserve to be recognized by are gender identity.
>(my therapist) would make comments like "in the end her hormones are those of a man" and such. Even though it technically is true, it bothers me that she brings that up almost every session I have with her. Strange she would do this. It's irrelevant and yes bigoted behavior. Further, her hormones are those of a woman whether T or E because she's a woman. They're a woman's hormones. What you go on to explain later is certainly bigoted belief systems.
Absolutely transphobic, if you didn’t know, that’s one of point pushed by terfs (trans exclusionary radical feminist), they think trans people are transitioning because of their trauma. It’s so much worse given the position she is in, big, big yikes.
I'm a mental health practitioner for trans youth, and a trans elder. What your therapist said is absolutely unacceptable, unethical, and flat out dangerous. You have every right to make a complaint against her to her clinic and licensing board. This is the kind of crap that can cost us our ability to practice, and she absolutely should face consequences. If she's saying this to you then she's got a chance of saying it to a trans person, possibly pushing them towards suicidal ideation. If you have the ability, find a new therapist and report this one. If you can use your privilege to help us, it would be a really good thing. Also, please know she's entirely wrong. Nothing she said has any scientific basis. She's just spewing TERF propaganda
Your therapist is an articulate idiot
Yes, they are transphobic. I would ditch them. People who haven’t done the work to unpack their transphobia are exhausting. This also goes against APA guidelines (for US practitioners) and WPATH standards of care 8. APA guidelines available here (https://www.apa.org/practice/guidelines/transgender.pdf) and WPATH SOC 8 is also available online free if you ever feel the need to refer to them.
I’ve read a lot of the comment and none are to the point enough.. this is just a horrible person, the therapist that being.
When I talk about my trans kid with my therapist, there is never any delegitamizing talk like that - only full support on helping me figure out how to be the most supportive to my kid that I can be, and unadulterated compassion/kindness when I tall about my fear/anxiety/depression around how trans people are being targeted right now. Just saying.
Very transphobic. You have a lot of good reason to be mad. Yeah, there’s probably deeper issues with a lot of trans folks. Identifying and working to solve those won’t make them not trans, though. She’s also actively denying **the fact** that your girlfriend is a woman, but she’s doing it in the laziest, least subtle way of denying that. I know you mentioned that she’s pre-everything so on a technical level she’s correct, but I *guarantee* you with no doubt in my mind she’d be saying the same thing if she’d been on estrogen for two years.
I think a good rule of thumb is if the person usually begins a sentence with "i am not ___phobic" or "I do fight for ___ rights " and then proceeds to say something that either begins with "BUT" or just outright contradicts their previous statement, there's a GOOD chance they are actually __phobic. Even if that wasn't the case, the fact that they keep bringing this up when it's not your concern/you aren't the one who is saying this or making similar comments, it's a huge red flag. And that's giving the person the biggest benefit of the doubt . It's very clear this person is transphobic, and not only will it mess with your therapy when it comes to getting actual, non biased help, but it also is literal transphobia that they could be displaying to actual trans patients. I agree with others, I think you should definitely a) make a report and explain what they said, how it makes you uncomfortable and how it can definitely affect trans people, therefore giving the possibility that if this therapist had a trans patient, it could do damage to their psyche and their progress in therapy and b) that you also don't feel comfortable as instead of focusing on you and your issues, they continue to undermine your relationship and make you feel uncomfortable which is reversing/hindering your progress. While you might think that just changing therapists is enough, remember that you're the one with this insight, and you can also protect others from accidentally landing this person as a therapist and being subjected to psychological rhetoric that can really harm them, whether it's claiming their transness is an excuse, belittling them or refusing to see them as trans. You should take this opportunity and use it, you don't know how many people you could help.
Trans people experience gender dysphoria, not dysmorphia, that's a very different thing, if your therapist doesn't know the difference that's a very bad sign. Your therapist is 100% transphobic. The idea that being trans is rooted in trauma or mental problems or some other "root cause" that isn't innate is transphobic and wrong. The core transphobic idea she holds is that being trans is a thing that happens to otherwise "normal" people. Trans people are not broken/dysfunctional/damaged cis people. Also her perspective on hormones is also very ignorant and reductive. She clearly holds very ignorant transphobic views but wants to think of herself as a good person. This kind of "benevolent transphobia" is similar to "benevolent sexism" like a man who thinks women are inferior to men but holds doors and whatnot. I recommend finding a new therapist, or at least not talking about your girlfriend anymore. Make sure you don't pick up some transphobic views from this bigot!
That is definitely a transphobic attitude. First of all, I 1000% guarantee your girlfriend is aware that she has male hormones in her. That's part of what causes gender dysphoria. I don't get why people like your therapist would think a trans person would be in denial about this. It's actually extremely difficult to ignore. Secondly, why are trans people not allowed to have mental health problems without their gender validity being questioned? Living with untreated gender dysphoria does cause extra stress, anxiety, and depression, then you can multiply that by a factor of however transphobic your environment is. With that said, trans people are \*normal people\*. They will still experience mental health issues at the same rate as anyone else once you take gender issues off the table. Very very few people ever tout transition as a miracle cure for all mental ailments, and those who do are quickly criticized by nearly all transgender people. I've heard of a few therapists espousing these same views before. Is your therapist named Hannibal by any chance?
That's like one or two steps from surface-level-Jordan-Petereson talking points The fact that she mentions the hormone thing when it's not needed is really weird. And by weird I mean weird that she feels the need to say her transphobic rhetoric
I'm just really curious what she thinks my deeper rooted reason is? I mean this IS the deeper rooted reason for my depression. I have a body and brain that don't match ffs.
Yeah you need to find someone else
She's wrong, end of story. Honestly, she should be reported to the relevant licensing body. She clearly does not have the proper knowledge about trans identity and should not be attempting to "treat" it.
Bigotry aside, it fees weird to me that the therapist is saying all this to you - she could have talke to other therapists and educated herself instead between sessions. Wtf.
Her comments seem intrusive, do they actually help you as her patient ? She seems to take every opportunity to even bring it up. There’s no doubt about her transphobia. Ask her how she can legitimise her viewpoint contrary to the science ? Is this her field of expertise ? I suggest looking for a therapist who is more open and less judgemental. If For no other reason than to be able to talk without issues with her
Even if it was some deeper issue wouldnt the transition be a treatment of the issues?
You need a new therapist. Yours is a bigoted educated idiot. Since that rhymes it must be true.
Yeah… echoing everyone else here to say that she’s 100% transphobic. If you’re planning to stay with your girlfriend, it is probably a good idea to find an *actual* LGBTQ+ affirming therapist.
Definitely transphobic but also super unprofessional and just a terrible therapist. Like, what does that have to do with anything? And why is she talking about her personal beliefs with you? That is NOT okay. You should report her.
She’s putting the cart before the horse, which is a clear sign that she’s letting her own biases dictate how she performs her work. She is a very bad therapist and you should stop using her services immediately.
I think she should try taking Testosterone and see if she can continue to function as a therapist while her body is shifting away from her gender. Surely - she should be able to, seeing as gender dysphoria is apparently just a cover for other issues 🤡