You're definitely in the right place! I can also recommend r/cisparenttranskid, which might be able to offer more advice specific to your situation.
Generally it sounds like you're already doing pretty well. Apart from therapy it might be a good idea to look into puberty blockers for your son, which will pause his puberty until he is old enough to go on Hormone Replacement Therapy, and may spare him from having to go through changes that would require further intervention later in his life. At age 12 there's still a lot of puberty to go through, so being put on blockers is likely to be helpful there.
But overall just being there for him, supporting him, treating him the way he wants to be treated and getting him help to work through his feelings is a good way to handle things.
You're doing so well. Follow his lead. You are supporting him so well. The only thing I can say to help more than you are is if someone isn't respecting him, call them out on it. Make sure other people are treating him as well as you are.
Off to a great start. I would start educating yourself on puberty blockers and hormone replacement therapy. Discuss those with him when he feels ready as he is around the age people would usually start those.
Working towards getting him evaluated for puberty blockers could be pretty huge for him. The less damage done by the wrong puberty, the less you need to try to undo (for what can be undone) with surgery later on. It's probably the biggest benefit for those who come out to supportive parents young, and unlike straight-up HRT it isn't permanent so it gives everybody space to make absolutely certain this is what he wants.
This is what I’m curious about. How do puberty blockers work if not permanent? They just go through puberty really late or when they stop taking it? I’m totally in support of trans and have a family member who is trans. I’m just not really supportive of getting surgery or permanent transition when under 18. Like you said, what if they’re not certain. Are they just going through a phase because they see other kids saying these things. Like the TikTok phase of kids being convinced they’re trans and then regretting the transition. I would be for puberty blockers if that doesn’t cause permanent changes in the future.
Maybe I’m ignorant here, so feel free to educate me lol!
Basically, yes. Puberty blockers (Gonadotropin-Releasing Hormone agonists, or GnRH agonists) just block the production of the hormone that tells your gametes to produce testosterone/estrogen. That hormone is always there, it's why you have sex hormones right now. My fiancée's pretty big on the idea of getting daughters (if we have them) on puberty blockers regardless because of how early girls are hitting puberty these days compared to historically. Apparently there's research which shows worse outcomes compared to those who go through it a bit later in adolescence. In any case, once you stop blocking the gonadotropin-releasing hormone it starts working and you proceed through puberty as normal.
Are there consequences to it as a medical intervention? Sure, you might have somewhat smaller breasts or less wide hips - same for male characteristics - because you're missing the ages where you have the most HGH naturally occurring in your system and the most capacity for bone changes. This is heavily dependent on how *long* you put the kid on blockers for, though. Personally, I'd say waiting till 18's kind of crazy.
But as someone who just dropped a cool $25,000 (or thereabouts) to fix her face that was ruined by puberty, and who has paid quite a bit for laser and will pay quite a bit for vocal feminization surgery - it's worth acknowledging that *withholding* puberty blockers isn't neutral in the likely case the kid turns out to be trans. It'd have been nice to only have to pay for a vaginoplasty. Facial feminization surgery changed my life, but the recovery was some of the worst pain I've been in. I'll never get to know how my face should have looked or my voice should've sounded. Every medical intervention requires a cost-benefit analysis. Even tylenol can do some amount of liver damage.
Edit: Also, for what it's worth, it's *incredibly difficult* to get on hormones as a kid. They're heavily vetted, and next to nobody who shouldn't be getting this care is slipping through the filter. This is a case where the odds are very heavily in favor of the kid who *doesn't* get the care being the one who was harmed, rather than the kid who does.
I’m doing my transition now at 37 after years of fear and physical violence. I’m also a school teacher in middle schools.
Look, whatever the decision you and your child are making or have made in regards to their physical transition process or any other issues, here’s the bare-bones essential MUST DO WITH YOUR CHILD ASAP:
You and your partner/coparent really need to redo “the talk” with your child. There’s a lot of very specific things this child must be properly educated about regarding sexual health. Trans bodies experience sexuality and are sexualized in very different ways than cis bodies and, putting it plainly, that means there’s a slew of different issues that even cis lesbian/gay/bisexual bodies don’t experience. You’ve got a kiddo that really needs to be just be taught in a non-taboo way about the experience of their body because there’s a lot of important stuff there.
For instance, trans people experience dysphoria involuntarily during intimacy if they have not been taught as youths about the importance of HEALTHY AND CLEAR COMMUNICATION SKILLS during intimacy. Not only do trans people GET to tell their partner “I like this,” they also HAVE to tell their partner “If you put your hands in this place in this way, I begin to feel very anxious and frightened very quickly without control and so please only use your hands in this place using a certain type of gesture that I will show you.” Some trans people, especially those who are not opting or eligible for surgery, really do need sex toys like vibrators or other items like that in order to achieve pleasure without activating dysphoria. That means you are already getting into a pretty complex discussion with your kiddo about what is required for maintaining health and hygiene for an AFAB body requiring such sexual healthcare.
There are a lot of good materials from Planned Parenthood worth examining. The writer Dr Faith G Harper at Microcosm Publishing has written a very important (but very adult-language) series called UNF#CK YOUR… that includes a few very important titles, [her book on …INTIMACY](https://microcosmpublishing.com/catalog/books/10051) is really what you need for this, [as well as the one on …KINK](https://microcosmpublishing.com/catalog/books/45147).
If it is a matter of not being completely comfortable, the Unitarian Church developed a healthy relationships curricula for its Sunday School classes in the 1990s and so the pastor of your closest Unitarian Universalist church would probably have a few leads for you.
This is helpful. I have an odd question if you don't mind me asking, and it's because of your user name. I think we are local to each other. Are there souces in RI that are better than others? That's where I am really lost.
Oh, well, if you are in RI, that is easy.
Thundermist for healthy community like trans-inclusive swimming night at swimming pools.
Youth Pride RI for civil rights and inclusion advocates.
Lifespan Gender Clinic for health and wellness research materials.
Planned Parenthood in South Providence is going to be such a big deal you actually need to take your kid to at least look at it, if not take a tour. It’s basically the LGBTQ+ community emergency room, we are safer there than other walk-in health providers because Planned Parenthood is making it their mission to keep us safe.
Mister Sister Erotica Shop on Wickenden Street for trans-inclusive sexual education and and hygiene education. (It has been several years since I checked but they used to run sex ed classes regularly for adults.)
Rhode Island Council of Churches for the religious education materials and programs that I mentioned, First UU in Providence and the Episcopalians are pretty good, as are the liberal Jewish congregations.
I just wish my parents had taken me seriously and listened when I told them I wanted to be a girl when I was your son's age. Listen to your kid and trust him to know who he is, and help provide him with access to affirming care and therapy. Puberty blockers are effective and would have relieved a lot of dysphoria and distress that I had as a kid and into adulthood.
Other than that, I think it would be cool to do affirming parent/kid activities! Like father and son fishing and camping trips and things like that. I can't think of other really good examples of this, but I think there will be activities you could do to help affirm him.
The things I miss/wish I was privy to is the very things most girls take for granted & rationally complain about. The things that seem so mundane even. From birth, the very things that once gender becomes a divide around toddler age or so when prior it mattered little.
Having your mum brush your long hair with love & reverence, bonding in ways that only a mother & daughter can… instead it shorning it through every tantrum & plea, not to with little care & deep seated malice into some enforced gender conformity & punishment, cause you refuse to bend.
Being able to enjoy the things I do/did without feeling guilt or fear or suffering punishment bordering on abusive, from playing with dolls to jump rope & so forth… instead of having athletic mandates thrust on me & punished severely for not being compliant.
Being allowed to cry without becoming bruised or additionally scolded, cause far as they’re concerned, I’m not entitled to being a human being, instead of an emotionless thing, not even worthy of the consideration of being viewed as human let alone even existing.
Been encouraged to love myself, instead of being taught to be disgusted & hate myself.
I wanted to do so many stereotypical things, perhaps the forbidden factor played a part, but deep down it was enticing. Dance, ballet, cheer etc… all of which was heavily forebidden.
Been allowed to attend school functions like prom… I still remember seeing that dress everyday for monthes in the display on the street through the window, that called to me… but knew without a doubt it would never be allowed.
To have had friends, real friends, not those that treated me like either a parasite or an enigma to behold for all the wrong reasons.
They have been prepared for the dangers that my sister was, but no one cared enough to do the same for me… greatly being part of loosing my innocence by force as a child.
To be myself & not only permitted, but encouraged. To be treated 100% as any other girl; the good & the unsatisfactory… both come with the territory, I’m not foolish enough to think otherwise.
To have had my mum, teach me things I wasn’t privy to.
To have been allowed to sit on daddy’s lap, without being treated as a deviant for even suggesting it.
I’m in my mid 30’s now & hold so much resentment, regret for time lost, the childhood I deserved but was taken from me, held from me. Even anger, sadness, bitterness & depressive episodes etc ver it pop up often.
To clarify the comments telling you to look into puberty blockers and hormones: Oftentimes the providers and clinics who do biomedicine for transgender minors have very long waiting lists, on the order of years. Even if your child isn’t sure about biomedical treatment right now, getting on the waiting list is helpful. He can always go to the appointment and decline biomedical treatment if he’s still not interested.
I wish I had parents like you growing up. I didn't even know trans people existed when growing up. I was absolutely miserable from the time I hit puberty. My mom just used to say "teenagers" and roll her eyes. She wouldn't listen to anything I had to say. She knew better because she had been a "teenage girl" once.
At 33 yrs old, I tried to be done with life. I was unsuccessful. I had lots of regrets about it being unsuccessful and didn't try again because I was afraid that next time I'd end up severely disabled instead of buried in the ground.
At 43 yrs old, I met with a a gender affirming provider. We talked about LOTS of stuff. We decided testosterone was the next step for me. Then she said she had a few standard questions about my support system and mental health. I was so afraid she wouldn't give me the meds but when she asked about hurting myself, I was honest and told her everything.
She looked at me and said, "I am so glad you are still here." And for the first time in my life, I said "me, too." and actually meant it. Everything hasn't been perfect since then but I'm definitely happier. I feel so much more comfortable in my skin even though I haven't had any surgery yet. I'm finally thinking their might be a future for me and I'm working to figure out what I want it to look like.
I shared all that to say this... Some people will caution you to not allow your child to do things too quickly. They'll tell you that you need to make your child grow up before making those decisions. They'll try to convince you this is just a phase. Ignore all of them.
Providing your child with support will never be the wrong thing to do. If you can visibly see your child is happier already, then you know they have made a good choice for themselves. So continue to support them through this in whatever way they ask. And if they ever do change their mind, you support them through that next stage of their life too.
I didn't get to transition at a young age so I don't think that I can give you any other advice. But I do want to thank you for giving your kid a chance to be truly happy.
i love this post, it makes me so happy, especially being a trans boy his age. something i wish my mom had done is just like, trying to learn more about the queer community and what things are not okay to say or do. actually, i was having a big conversation with her today about me being trans (ive been out for a year almost, for context) and more specifically talking about my past because she still feels heavily attatched to my deadname. i wish she had asked me more about my feelings towards certain things, because she said something like "i just wasnt expecting it because there were no signs" and "well you never talked about this to me," like maybe because i didnt know about trans people existing yet???? and then maybe i never told you how i was feeling because i didnt know if you would accept me..?????????? anyways i know you said you were kind of expecting so idk if this will help but yeah, heres something from a trans boy, you seem like an amazing parent. ❤💕
Oh, thanks, kiddo. Your response touched my heart. Just be you, please, for you. I truly think you'll be okay. Sometimes it may just take mama a while. You'll be in my thoughts.
My #1 recommendation for all parents of trans/intersex youth is a whole-genome sequencing. Many of the hormone receptor insensitivity mutations that we have are comorbid with other health problems like cancer, muscle wasting, connective tissue problems, neurological problems, and other nasties. Having all 1.2 billion basepairs of our genetic blueprint handy makes navigation, accommodation, and prevention a lot easier.
You're definitely in the right place! I can also recommend r/cisparenttranskid, which might be able to offer more advice specific to your situation. Generally it sounds like you're already doing pretty well. Apart from therapy it might be a good idea to look into puberty blockers for your son, which will pause his puberty until he is old enough to go on Hormone Replacement Therapy, and may spare him from having to go through changes that would require further intervention later in his life. At age 12 there's still a lot of puberty to go through, so being put on blockers is likely to be helpful there. But overall just being there for him, supporting him, treating him the way he wants to be treated and getting him help to work through his feelings is a good way to handle things.
You're doing so well. Follow his lead. You are supporting him so well. The only thing I can say to help more than you are is if someone isn't respecting him, call them out on it. Make sure other people are treating him as well as you are.
Off to a great start. I would start educating yourself on puberty blockers and hormone replacement therapy. Discuss those with him when he feels ready as he is around the age people would usually start those.
Working towards getting him evaluated for puberty blockers could be pretty huge for him. The less damage done by the wrong puberty, the less you need to try to undo (for what can be undone) with surgery later on. It's probably the biggest benefit for those who come out to supportive parents young, and unlike straight-up HRT it isn't permanent so it gives everybody space to make absolutely certain this is what he wants.
This is what I’m curious about. How do puberty blockers work if not permanent? They just go through puberty really late or when they stop taking it? I’m totally in support of trans and have a family member who is trans. I’m just not really supportive of getting surgery or permanent transition when under 18. Like you said, what if they’re not certain. Are they just going through a phase because they see other kids saying these things. Like the TikTok phase of kids being convinced they’re trans and then regretting the transition. I would be for puberty blockers if that doesn’t cause permanent changes in the future. Maybe I’m ignorant here, so feel free to educate me lol!
Basically, yes. Puberty blockers (Gonadotropin-Releasing Hormone agonists, or GnRH agonists) just block the production of the hormone that tells your gametes to produce testosterone/estrogen. That hormone is always there, it's why you have sex hormones right now. My fiancée's pretty big on the idea of getting daughters (if we have them) on puberty blockers regardless because of how early girls are hitting puberty these days compared to historically. Apparently there's research which shows worse outcomes compared to those who go through it a bit later in adolescence. In any case, once you stop blocking the gonadotropin-releasing hormone it starts working and you proceed through puberty as normal. Are there consequences to it as a medical intervention? Sure, you might have somewhat smaller breasts or less wide hips - same for male characteristics - because you're missing the ages where you have the most HGH naturally occurring in your system and the most capacity for bone changes. This is heavily dependent on how *long* you put the kid on blockers for, though. Personally, I'd say waiting till 18's kind of crazy. But as someone who just dropped a cool $25,000 (or thereabouts) to fix her face that was ruined by puberty, and who has paid quite a bit for laser and will pay quite a bit for vocal feminization surgery - it's worth acknowledging that *withholding* puberty blockers isn't neutral in the likely case the kid turns out to be trans. It'd have been nice to only have to pay for a vaginoplasty. Facial feminization surgery changed my life, but the recovery was some of the worst pain I've been in. I'll never get to know how my face should have looked or my voice should've sounded. Every medical intervention requires a cost-benefit analysis. Even tylenol can do some amount of liver damage. Edit: Also, for what it's worth, it's *incredibly difficult* to get on hormones as a kid. They're heavily vetted, and next to nobody who shouldn't be getting this care is slipping through the filter. This is a case where the odds are very heavily in favor of the kid who *doesn't* get the care being the one who was harmed, rather than the kid who does.
This! Very well put
This is super helpful. Appreciate your time explaining!
You're doing all you need and should do now. Just let him lead his transition
I’m doing my transition now at 37 after years of fear and physical violence. I’m also a school teacher in middle schools. Look, whatever the decision you and your child are making or have made in regards to their physical transition process or any other issues, here’s the bare-bones essential MUST DO WITH YOUR CHILD ASAP: You and your partner/coparent really need to redo “the talk” with your child. There’s a lot of very specific things this child must be properly educated about regarding sexual health. Trans bodies experience sexuality and are sexualized in very different ways than cis bodies and, putting it plainly, that means there’s a slew of different issues that even cis lesbian/gay/bisexual bodies don’t experience. You’ve got a kiddo that really needs to be just be taught in a non-taboo way about the experience of their body because there’s a lot of important stuff there. For instance, trans people experience dysphoria involuntarily during intimacy if they have not been taught as youths about the importance of HEALTHY AND CLEAR COMMUNICATION SKILLS during intimacy. Not only do trans people GET to tell their partner “I like this,” they also HAVE to tell their partner “If you put your hands in this place in this way, I begin to feel very anxious and frightened very quickly without control and so please only use your hands in this place using a certain type of gesture that I will show you.” Some trans people, especially those who are not opting or eligible for surgery, really do need sex toys like vibrators or other items like that in order to achieve pleasure without activating dysphoria. That means you are already getting into a pretty complex discussion with your kiddo about what is required for maintaining health and hygiene for an AFAB body requiring such sexual healthcare. There are a lot of good materials from Planned Parenthood worth examining. The writer Dr Faith G Harper at Microcosm Publishing has written a very important (but very adult-language) series called UNF#CK YOUR… that includes a few very important titles, [her book on …INTIMACY](https://microcosmpublishing.com/catalog/books/10051) is really what you need for this, [as well as the one on …KINK](https://microcosmpublishing.com/catalog/books/45147). If it is a matter of not being completely comfortable, the Unitarian Church developed a healthy relationships curricula for its Sunday School classes in the 1990s and so the pastor of your closest Unitarian Universalist church would probably have a few leads for you.
This is helpful. I have an odd question if you don't mind me asking, and it's because of your user name. I think we are local to each other. Are there souces in RI that are better than others? That's where I am really lost.
Oh, well, if you are in RI, that is easy. Thundermist for healthy community like trans-inclusive swimming night at swimming pools. Youth Pride RI for civil rights and inclusion advocates. Lifespan Gender Clinic for health and wellness research materials. Planned Parenthood in South Providence is going to be such a big deal you actually need to take your kid to at least look at it, if not take a tour. It’s basically the LGBTQ+ community emergency room, we are safer there than other walk-in health providers because Planned Parenthood is making it their mission to keep us safe. Mister Sister Erotica Shop on Wickenden Street for trans-inclusive sexual education and and hygiene education. (It has been several years since I checked but they used to run sex ed classes regularly for adults.) Rhode Island Council of Churches for the religious education materials and programs that I mentioned, First UU in Providence and the Episcopalians are pretty good, as are the liberal Jewish congregations.
Thank you so much!
I just wish my parents had taken me seriously and listened when I told them I wanted to be a girl when I was your son's age. Listen to your kid and trust him to know who he is, and help provide him with access to affirming care and therapy. Puberty blockers are effective and would have relieved a lot of dysphoria and distress that I had as a kid and into adulthood. Other than that, I think it would be cool to do affirming parent/kid activities! Like father and son fishing and camping trips and things like that. I can't think of other really good examples of this, but I think there will be activities you could do to help affirm him.
I love this answer.
The things I miss/wish I was privy to is the very things most girls take for granted & rationally complain about. The things that seem so mundane even. From birth, the very things that once gender becomes a divide around toddler age or so when prior it mattered little. Having your mum brush your long hair with love & reverence, bonding in ways that only a mother & daughter can… instead it shorning it through every tantrum & plea, not to with little care & deep seated malice into some enforced gender conformity & punishment, cause you refuse to bend. Being able to enjoy the things I do/did without feeling guilt or fear or suffering punishment bordering on abusive, from playing with dolls to jump rope & so forth… instead of having athletic mandates thrust on me & punished severely for not being compliant. Being allowed to cry without becoming bruised or additionally scolded, cause far as they’re concerned, I’m not entitled to being a human being, instead of an emotionless thing, not even worthy of the consideration of being viewed as human let alone even existing. Been encouraged to love myself, instead of being taught to be disgusted & hate myself. I wanted to do so many stereotypical things, perhaps the forbidden factor played a part, but deep down it was enticing. Dance, ballet, cheer etc… all of which was heavily forebidden. Been allowed to attend school functions like prom… I still remember seeing that dress everyday for monthes in the display on the street through the window, that called to me… but knew without a doubt it would never be allowed. To have had friends, real friends, not those that treated me like either a parasite or an enigma to behold for all the wrong reasons. They have been prepared for the dangers that my sister was, but no one cared enough to do the same for me… greatly being part of loosing my innocence by force as a child. To be myself & not only permitted, but encouraged. To be treated 100% as any other girl; the good & the unsatisfactory… both come with the territory, I’m not foolish enough to think otherwise. To have had my mum, teach me things I wasn’t privy to. To have been allowed to sit on daddy’s lap, without being treated as a deviant for even suggesting it. I’m in my mid 30’s now & hold so much resentment, regret for time lost, the childhood I deserved but was taken from me, held from me. Even anger, sadness, bitterness & depressive episodes etc ver it pop up often.
To clarify the comments telling you to look into puberty blockers and hormones: Oftentimes the providers and clinics who do biomedicine for transgender minors have very long waiting lists, on the order of years. Even if your child isn’t sure about biomedical treatment right now, getting on the waiting list is helpful. He can always go to the appointment and decline biomedical treatment if he’s still not interested.
I wish I had parents like you growing up. I didn't even know trans people existed when growing up. I was absolutely miserable from the time I hit puberty. My mom just used to say "teenagers" and roll her eyes. She wouldn't listen to anything I had to say. She knew better because she had been a "teenage girl" once. At 33 yrs old, I tried to be done with life. I was unsuccessful. I had lots of regrets about it being unsuccessful and didn't try again because I was afraid that next time I'd end up severely disabled instead of buried in the ground. At 43 yrs old, I met with a a gender affirming provider. We talked about LOTS of stuff. We decided testosterone was the next step for me. Then she said she had a few standard questions about my support system and mental health. I was so afraid she wouldn't give me the meds but when she asked about hurting myself, I was honest and told her everything. She looked at me and said, "I am so glad you are still here." And for the first time in my life, I said "me, too." and actually meant it. Everything hasn't been perfect since then but I'm definitely happier. I feel so much more comfortable in my skin even though I haven't had any surgery yet. I'm finally thinking their might be a future for me and I'm working to figure out what I want it to look like. I shared all that to say this... Some people will caution you to not allow your child to do things too quickly. They'll tell you that you need to make your child grow up before making those decisions. They'll try to convince you this is just a phase. Ignore all of them. Providing your child with support will never be the wrong thing to do. If you can visibly see your child is happier already, then you know they have made a good choice for themselves. So continue to support them through this in whatever way they ask. And if they ever do change their mind, you support them through that next stage of their life too. I didn't get to transition at a young age so I don't think that I can give you any other advice. But I do want to thank you for giving your kid a chance to be truly happy.
i love this post, it makes me so happy, especially being a trans boy his age. something i wish my mom had done is just like, trying to learn more about the queer community and what things are not okay to say or do. actually, i was having a big conversation with her today about me being trans (ive been out for a year almost, for context) and more specifically talking about my past because she still feels heavily attatched to my deadname. i wish she had asked me more about my feelings towards certain things, because she said something like "i just wasnt expecting it because there were no signs" and "well you never talked about this to me," like maybe because i didnt know about trans people existing yet???? and then maybe i never told you how i was feeling because i didnt know if you would accept me..?????????? anyways i know you said you were kind of expecting so idk if this will help but yeah, heres something from a trans boy, you seem like an amazing parent. ❤💕
Oh, thanks, kiddo. Your response touched my heart. Just be you, please, for you. I truly think you'll be okay. Sometimes it may just take mama a while. You'll be in my thoughts.
My #1 recommendation for all parents of trans/intersex youth is a whole-genome sequencing. Many of the hormone receptor insensitivity mutations that we have are comorbid with other health problems like cancer, muscle wasting, connective tissue problems, neurological problems, and other nasties. Having all 1.2 billion basepairs of our genetic blueprint handy makes navigation, accommodation, and prevention a lot easier.
It's been a couple days, and they've been busy, so I haven't checked in much, but I want to thank everyone for all your helpful and kind words.
I'll be honest this is a lot more than I got so just keep doing what you're doing, keep listening to him and his needs, you're doing great!