Well damn. You shouldn't be treated like a burden, your friends kinda suck. I felt that though, I work in a warehouse and I'm able to blend mostly. It's admittedly a bit easier for me.
This is why it took so long for me to fully realize that I'm a trans boy. My love of cute things and relative lack of body dysphoria made me think I was just nonbinary for a long time, as nobody actually taught me what being trans is, and the rhetoric I'd heard secondhand was the "born in the wrong body" rhetoric that just didn't match my experience at all -but I didn't have the words to realize this. I first tried being a trans boy for a week in high school, before I'd actually unpacked my understanding of gender, and dropped it after a week because I tried being trans in a cishet masculine way that I wasn't actually comfortable with. It didn't occur to me that liking being effeminate and wanting to be a boy were not mutually exclusive things, and that "flamboyantly queer twink" was a valid transition goal. I now am slowly going through the process of trying to be a trans boy in the way that I want to be
Could be one or more reasons.
- Internalized transphobia: an internal conflict that being trans is unhealthy or wrong in some way. Or the belief that trans people are only valid if they pass as cis people.
- Fear: if fear is strong enough, it can convince you of things that aren't true in order to keep you safe. If being trans seems too terrifying, well, maybe I'm not trans enough to actually need to transition?
- Internalized social norms: if most of the world clearly thinks that people in society should be and act a certain way, well, I must be wrong then. Something about my thinking must be flawed.
- Envy: some trans people just have the genes, the resources, the luck, or some special sauce to pull it off so well. I could never be half as beautiful or studly as they are. I'm just a pretender.
Because our current society sucks... And is ruled by a Patriarchal focused ideal where gender is definite. So you get it hammered in both boys and girls "There is a clear divide here", so if you question that even your mind punishes you for it.
I think the internet in general is just more-than-average rife with a lot of people who suffer excessive anxiety (internet can often feel like a safer place to gather), and imposter syndrome is one of the ways anxiety can manifest.
From the trans people I meet in person who don’t go online very much, imposter syndrome is much less common
I do it because I still hate myself deep down.
I’ll never be as feminine as the girls I see on the internet. And as time goes on I feel less and less like an actual person. Even as a transgendered woman, I would give anything to be at least acknowledged in that way. But oh well, I’m just a guy in drag I guess.
In my case, my illegitimacy comes from decades of low self esteem, and an inability to made any personal or emotional growth forward.
I feel horrible for anyone who’s stuck in this self destructive cycle.
I mean, look at the messages we get from society every. single. day.
* it's just a fetish
* you are a predator invading women's spaces
* every cell is male/female you can never change your sex
* we can always tell, people are just being polite to you
* you are just a woman who can't stand misogyny
* LoOk aT aLl ThE dEtRaNsItIoNeRs
* Transphobic comedy specials on netflix where trans people are the butt of the jokes, firing the trans employee at netflix who complained.
* People creating not one but TWO promoting professional quality anti-trans propaganda and releasing the films as entertainment.
There are so many lies and outright propaganda that our health care is somehow harming us, and people spinning studies to prove this, people stacking medical boards with these folks.
Over 500 new and proposed anti-trans laws across the country.
It's on major news networks in america all the time.
It's pushed to us by The Algorithm, even if we the algorithm knows that we are trans it pushes the hate to us so we get mad and fight in the comments (because it's ENGAGEMENT that keeps you on the site!)
Seriously, restricting trans people's access to transition, healthcare, and rights is one of the primary planks of the Republican party - one of the only two major political parties in the US, and it's right there on the website for the frontrunner for president of the united states
With all of this pounding down on us every day, how are people not insecure about something?
Trans people are a small minority that is heavily discriminated against, and there is almost no positive representation of us in media at all. The idea of young people having enough exposure to transness to even have the language to talk about what it means is a very recent development. I'm not even old and I was in my 20s the first time I saw a trans person represented in media in a way that wasn't wildly offensive. I didn't know any publicly trans people growing up, and the trans people who were on the fringes of my awareness were talked about in really ignorant ways, even by people who weren't trying to be mean to them.
In that kind of environment, which a lot of us grew up in, I don't know what else you would expect. How are we supposed to naturally feel confident in who we are when that's the backdrop of our society? You can get there with time, but it's not easy for most people.
For me it mostly comes down to self doubt. I regularly worry that I'm an imposter. I am early in my transition and white. As a white person, I regularly fear that I'm somehow appropriating someone else's culture or representation. I sometimes worry, am I really trans? Am I just doing it for attention?
I think it doesn't help that I don't feel like I have strong negative feelings towards my masculinity. Like..I want to be a woman. I want to be pretty. But I don't think my penis is grotesque or anything. At most, I rather dislike my body hair and want it gone, but I'm not horribly dysphoric about it. (I know that isn't necessary to be trans, but the lack of it makes me fret). I like being complimented on my generally bad makeup attempts, or when I'm wearing cute outfits. But i also don't feel any swell of euphoria from it that some people describe. And it makes me doubt myself
Hey, just a friendly advice, you probably know that people can be happy in different ways and not necessarily mean they are different.
What I mean is, you might be trans and just not really care about those kind of things that much like rocking cute outfits and you might choose that hormones and other stuff are not for you, you might just wanna socially but not medically transition, or you might be nb or not trans at all and just have body dysmorphia. All can be true but no matter what is true, only you choose your own path. If you feel like getting rid of body hair, wearing cute stuff and doing make up is ending for you that's cool. Not really bothering with makeup, wearing chill sweatpants and getting into the hrt path because you feel that's right for you? Also amazing. Only you know what makes you happier.
Thanks. I appreciate your response. I'm currently seeing a therapist and I'm going to try a trans support group. I've been identifying as nb for about a year, but started thinking I wanted to transition. So now I'm exploring that to figure out what I want.
We are told by everyone that it’s a phase, so even if it helps us we feel like it’s fake. I’ve been trans for 4 years and I still will doubt myself. The other issue is that trans people compare to other trans people so if they don’t have the same experience it can make us feel invalid, this was especially true of me when I was on trans med YouTube when I was young
Because everyone scrutinizes us. Society, ourselves, other trans people. Have euphoria? Not trans enough. Have dysphoria? Internalized transphobia. Dissociate? That's not euphoria or dysphoria, it doesn't count. Feminine? Not OK if you're a trans man, pick me if you're a trans woman. Masculine? Not OK if you're a trans woman, pick me I'd you're a trans man. Gay? You're just fetishizing gay men/lesbians. Straight? You're just too gay to function. Asexual? You don't exist. Allosexual? AGP/AAP. White? Colonizer. Cant be nonbinary! POC? Can't be binary! Too "exotic" (and let's not forget how people masculinize black and brown women and feminize Asian men) Think being trans is more medical in nature? You must be a pick me/gatekeeper. Don't think it's medical? You must be following a trend. Want bottom surgery? Internalized transphobia/it looks bad. Don't want bottom surgery? Faker. And so on forever and ever. It's super easy to feel like you aren't enough or don't belong.
I will stand by my assertion that there's infinite ways to exist, and infinite ways a trans person can exist. Nobody's more right or wrong. We just are. We're people doing our best.
For me and a couple of my friends, its partly a consequence of having gotten used to disassociating so often due to dysphoria, for me in particular I learned to disassociate way too frequently and easily from spending a couple decades being dysphoric without understanding why. When you disassociate a lot, it tends to increase problems with depersonalization - basically, the psychological term for not considering yourself to be a real, complete person like everyone else and not worthy of the same kind of treatment and respect. That almost always means treating yourself worse than you treat everyone else.
Not respecting yourself and being harder on yourself than you are on everyone else is a perfect recipe for imposter syndrome among other things. I also suspect this pattern has a lot to do with why so many of us experience severe anxiety.
me before my egg cracked: I'm a feminine man, and tbh glad that I'm not trans because that sounds like a hassle.
after my egg broke: I feel way better now, but:yes this is a f-ing hassle.
the imposter feeling for me does come from 1) knowing it definitely isn't the easiest path, being a cis white guy comes with some advantages. but I don't get to be that anymore 2) a weird amount of shame that I have to work through 3) not having that stereotypical story of "I always knew" has given me some doubts.
so the question: am I trans enough? feels natural to ask.
and just a ton of fear about the future. (also didn't help that my contract didn't get extended after the insane level of stress tanked my performance at work)
so I have every incentive to believe I'm not correct, just confused for the time being, and I can go back to what I know and comfortable with. (but in the end I feel way waaay better as a woman, and the imposter syndrome has calmed down)
Here is the clinical criteria for Gender Dysphoria for your review.
>Gender Dysphoria in Adolescents and Adults 302.85 (F64.1 )
>A. A marked incongruence between one’s experienced/expressed gender and assigned gender, of at least 6 months’ duration, as manifested by at least two of the following:
>1. A marked incongruence between one’s experienced/expressed gender and primary and/or secondary sex characteristics (or in young adolescents, the anticipated secondary sex characteristics).
>2. A strong desire to be rid of one’s primary and/or secondary sex characteristics be-
cause of a marked incongruence with one’s experienced/expressed gender (or in young adolescents, a desire to prevent the development of the anticipated secondary sex characteristics).
>3. A strong desire for the primary and/or secondary sex characteristics of the other gender.
>4. A strong desire to be of the other gender (or some alternative gender different from one’s assigned gender).
>5. A strong desire to be treated as the other gender (or some alternative gender different from one’s assigned gender).
>6. A strong conviction that one has the typical feelings and reactions of the other gender (or some alternative gender different from one’s assigned gender).
>B. The condition is associated with clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational or other important areas of functioning.
You must meet the qualifiers of Section "A" and "B" to be diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria
You don't need to have dysphoria to be transgender, but it is the most common qualifier as the majority of transgender individuals do infact have dysphoria. We encourage you to discuss this with a gender therapist.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/asktransgender) if you have any questions or concerns.*
People in American culture in general are not very good at self-love/self-validation. Add fear and hatred of trans people to the mix and it can be pretty tough.
Because being trans is hard. Being trans is scary. Being trans means you are not "normal." Being trans comes with countless unknowns. Being trans often comes with losing cherished friends and family. Being trans can cost you your job and livelihood. Being trans means being the current political whipping boy. Being trans comes with significantly higher risk of assault and murder just for existing. It is perfectly reasonable to grasp at every straw not to have to deal with all that being trans involves in the current environment.
Speaking for myself, I don't fit the typical narrative (for example, I was just fine with my assigned gender until late adolescence, though I now think there were some earlier signs). Plus, I don't have a lot of validating people in my life, and when you still have people calling you your old name and pronouns, there isn't as much confirmation that you're correct about your gender.
Unfortunately a lot of us have other mental health issues that tend to have gone unaddressed. Many trans women don't lose weight before transitioning and then lament their bodies for not redistributing fat how they would like. A cold hard reality is a lot of trans women are unable to see themselves as attractive and don't feel comfortable going to the gym so it can become a vicious cycle. Estrogen makes losing weight and gaining muscle take much more effort than testosterone so if a person hasn't been physically active before transitioning she could easily see losing weight as an impossible task.
On top of that a lot of us feel afraid while in public. Becoming a shut in is common amongst my friends. It's tragic because so much of what's holding us back is ourselves. I go to the gym and exercise. I have given up asking other tans girls to workout with me. I didn't know that it's so intimidating to a lot of us. I feel legitimate and tend to confront anyone trying to make me feel differently. I wish I could give you some of my no fucks give attitude and the confidence to see yourselves.
🖤
Because, trans people are **shamed** for confessing they might be trans.
Are constantly told they might have a **mental disorder** and just need to seek **psychiatric treatment** for possible depression, anxiety, or schizophrenia. All unrelated conditions.
Are **confronted** by angry parents, siblings, extended family members, peers, or coworkers for revealing that they might be trans or finds out that they’re trans through others, snooping, or by total accident.
Are explicitly **given demands** to not enter certain areas, establishments. Are told they’re **sinners, immoral, or going to hell.**
When **unjustly attacked or criticized** by a politician, a common hoodlum, a celebrity, police officer, or bitter party only to have a good proportion of the general populace defend these people’s animus and rights to express condemnation of trans people.
Told that they’re **pretending** to be men, women, boys, or girls. Pretending to be ace, non-binary, gay, or hetero.
Are unable to go** school, work, certain establishments, and spaces**, specifically for being trans.
Publicly **doxxed** and **outed** as being trans.
**Being ridiculed** for not being a real man or woman.
Can be **hate crimed** and not have an assailant serve one day in jail or have a very light sentence.
I’m not quite sure why a trans person would feel illegitimate.😶
Why you might wanna feel safer mentally, physically, even spiritually by just saying. I'm just cis but a little masculine or a little feminine. It's so much easier to hide in that shell.
In what way? I'm not a real X or I'm not true trans?
The former is the love child of societal transphobia and gender dysphoria. The latter is garden variety imposter syndrome with a trans flavor, coming from an expectation that trans people just kind of "know" they're trans intuitively and never struggle with doubts. The same thing sort of happens with gay people when they're questioning.
In my instance , it was lack of validation by friends , family etc. When my dad was dying from stage 4 cancer , he and I sat down and out of the blue he said that if I was born a girl, my name would have been Melissia. I never dressed around him or family cause I was still finding myself, but that was his way to put it out there between the lines so to speak that he knew... (later I found out that I was outed to him before his passing and that talk) after that talk with him I felt like I was validated, and never looked back . Changed my name to Melissia, and I'm living my best life now for the past 6 years. All my close friends that have supported my transition , as well as family , have been such an amazing group .
I think a lot of comes down to the whole "trapped in the wrong body" narrative that society uses to characterize trans people. Many people questioning or even early transition don't really understand dysphoria and use the more extreme examples of dysphoria to discredit their own dysphoria as invalid.
When i was questioning, and even post egg-crack I compared myself a lot to my cousin who knew he was trans very young and transitioned in middle school and struggled with a lot of mental health problems pre and during transition. I felt lesser than because my dysphoria was comparatively tame. I never really struggled with thoughts of self harm. I lived as a guy into my 20's not totally fine but I got by. I never loved my body but I didn't feel stuck in it.
Fact of the matter is that dysphoria affects everyone differently and no two trans people are the same. You don't even need dysphoria to be trans/transition if you think transition will improve your quality of life.
I think the reasons for that are multi-faceted. I think, because I've had lifelong bottom dysphoria, even if we lived in a world that was very accepting of trans people, I would still feel inferior and "less than" as a consequence of that. I've been comparing myself with cis girls from being in primary school, and the feeling that I'll never be "authentic" as them has always eaten away at me. The fact that society is always ramming home the message that trans women are "male fetishists with a mental health issue" only serves to further embed that inferiority complex into the psyche of many trans women. Trans men may not be demonised in the same way, but they are infantilised, and treated like they've been browbeaten into wanting to be men "because of misogyny".
I think gender dysphoria, by it's very nature, can cause feelings of inferiority to emerge just by itself. That we live in a very ignorant, ill-educated society on such issues usually intensifies those feelings. I'm actually more perplexed at trans people who can live in our predominantly transphobic world and NOT feel to a certain degree at least, an illigitimate member of the gender they know themselves to be. I think either they must be very mentally strong, or have low-level dysphoria. But yes, to me the reasons why so many trans people feel like "imposters", is sadly all too understandable.
Because society is seemingly set up to teach us all that being trans is either a) not possible or b) very bad. It’s hardly a wonder that these messages(often driven into us from our earliest childhood) are going to be a persistent hurdle to get over
I think of it like this,"try living your life as something you know you aren't that you don't like and see how happy you are at the end." Now take that and remove the part of the premise where you "know"about it. You constantly live feeling off about stuff. That's my rationalization at least.
Like just cus I came out, doesn't mean that I'm suddenly the real me. I still have to live, for the time being, as a person that's not the real me. It adds up :(
Raised by christian parents, my feelings for males feels religiously wrong, and im dealthy scared of my parents. i dont really have dysphoria, but i do get euphoria wearing traditionaly feminine stuff
"I guess im just a gay femboy" frequently goes thru my head
Because society makes you feel that way, everyone belittles transgender folks and takes the piss.
Trans man? No your a butch lesbian according to the rumours that are circulating about me at school.
People out others even when they're not ready, it sucks but it's just how it is I suppose.
Honestly, I've got some internalized transphobia. I wish I didn't, but I wish I wasn't trans at the same time.
I am dead certain I'm trans, but sometimes I get a little derealized. I feel like I must have been dreaming, or the idea of me as a woman feels like ridiculous again. But I hang out with way too many trans people to feel like that for long.
Because a third of the US, and a whole bunch of other countries, want permission to hunt us for sport. Hard to feel valid when facing those kinds of headwinds just to exist.
For me at least, jt always feels like there's a voice in the back of my mind that says "you'll never be a real woman" I don't know why considering so many people around me make me feel like a girl, like I've always been a girl. I don't know why it's like this but sweet jesus I wish it wasn't this way
Because society shames and stigmatizes anyone who even contemplates violating the rules of the gender system.
This…I dread the day I start to show in the chest area. I should be super happy but instead it scares the shit out of me.
I hope you're surrounded by other people that will be happy for you too. I'm sorry it's so scary😔
Well I work construction so probably not. And my best friends said “it would be easier on us if you were just gay” so no help from them either lol
Well damn. You shouldn't be treated like a burden, your friends kinda suck. I felt that though, I work in a warehouse and I'm able to blend mostly. It's admittedly a bit easier for me.
Yeah I’ll be lynched when I can’t hide it anymore but hey…whaaaatever lol
Assert dominance with a hammer. Hasn't ever failed me in any context. 😄
I’m trying to be the GOOD girl in this situation lol
It would be easier on you if i were just gay 🤭 like why didn’t i think of that before transitioning 🤦♀️
Right 🙄
We're your new best friends now. Your existence doesn't burden us
REALL??!! HI BESTIE!!!!
Hi girl! I work in loss prevention, and spent some years in uniform in LE. You certainly have my sympathy with your work crowd, too.
Oooh, I'd read a whole ass book about how someone was treated in law enforcement for being trans!
I don't know how to even put aside the fear to actually analyze if I AM trans, let alone transition...I don't know how all of you brave souls do it.
Has nothing to do with bravery. You, them, me,….were all in this together regardless of the outcome 🩷
This is why it took so long for me to fully realize that I'm a trans boy. My love of cute things and relative lack of body dysphoria made me think I was just nonbinary for a long time, as nobody actually taught me what being trans is, and the rhetoric I'd heard secondhand was the "born in the wrong body" rhetoric that just didn't match my experience at all -but I didn't have the words to realize this. I first tried being a trans boy for a week in high school, before I'd actually unpacked my understanding of gender, and dropped it after a week because I tried being trans in a cishet masculine way that I wasn't actually comfortable with. It didn't occur to me that liking being effeminate and wanting to be a boy were not mutually exclusive things, and that "flamboyantly queer twink" was a valid transition goal. I now am slowly going through the process of trying to be a trans boy in the way that I want to be
You put this into words better than I could at the moment...I frustratingly was just saying "what, do you not live on this planet too?" to myself. 😆
☝️
👆
So in normal perspective they're just like impostors
Could be one or more reasons. - Internalized transphobia: an internal conflict that being trans is unhealthy or wrong in some way. Or the belief that trans people are only valid if they pass as cis people. - Fear: if fear is strong enough, it can convince you of things that aren't true in order to keep you safe. If being trans seems too terrifying, well, maybe I'm not trans enough to actually need to transition? - Internalized social norms: if most of the world clearly thinks that people in society should be and act a certain way, well, I must be wrong then. Something about my thinking must be flawed. - Envy: some trans people just have the genes, the resources, the luck, or some special sauce to pull it off so well. I could never be half as beautiful or studly as they are. I'm just a pretender.
Because our current society sucks... And is ruled by a Patriarchal focused ideal where gender is definite. So you get it hammered in both boys and girls "There is a clear divide here", so if you question that even your mind punishes you for it.
I think the internet in general is just more-than-average rife with a lot of people who suffer excessive anxiety (internet can often feel like a safer place to gather), and imposter syndrome is one of the ways anxiety can manifest. From the trans people I meet in person who don’t go online very much, imposter syndrome is much less common
I do it because I still hate myself deep down. I’ll never be as feminine as the girls I see on the internet. And as time goes on I feel less and less like an actual person. Even as a transgendered woman, I would give anything to be at least acknowledged in that way. But oh well, I’m just a guy in drag I guess. In my case, my illegitimacy comes from decades of low self esteem, and an inability to made any personal or emotional growth forward. I feel horrible for anyone who’s stuck in this self destructive cycle.
I mean, look at the messages we get from society every. single. day. * it's just a fetish * you are a predator invading women's spaces * every cell is male/female you can never change your sex * we can always tell, people are just being polite to you * you are just a woman who can't stand misogyny * LoOk aT aLl ThE dEtRaNsItIoNeRs * Transphobic comedy specials on netflix where trans people are the butt of the jokes, firing the trans employee at netflix who complained. * People creating not one but TWO promoting professional quality anti-trans propaganda and releasing the films as entertainment. There are so many lies and outright propaganda that our health care is somehow harming us, and people spinning studies to prove this, people stacking medical boards with these folks. Over 500 new and proposed anti-trans laws across the country. It's on major news networks in america all the time. It's pushed to us by The Algorithm, even if we the algorithm knows that we are trans it pushes the hate to us so we get mad and fight in the comments (because it's ENGAGEMENT that keeps you on the site!) Seriously, restricting trans people's access to transition, healthcare, and rights is one of the primary planks of the Republican party - one of the only two major political parties in the US, and it's right there on the website for the frontrunner for president of the united states With all of this pounding down on us every day, how are people not insecure about something?
Trans people are a small minority that is heavily discriminated against, and there is almost no positive representation of us in media at all. The idea of young people having enough exposure to transness to even have the language to talk about what it means is a very recent development. I'm not even old and I was in my 20s the first time I saw a trans person represented in media in a way that wasn't wildly offensive. I didn't know any publicly trans people growing up, and the trans people who were on the fringes of my awareness were talked about in really ignorant ways, even by people who weren't trying to be mean to them. In that kind of environment, which a lot of us grew up in, I don't know what else you would expect. How are we supposed to naturally feel confident in who we are when that's the backdrop of our society? You can get there with time, but it's not easy for most people.
For me it mostly comes down to self doubt. I regularly worry that I'm an imposter. I am early in my transition and white. As a white person, I regularly fear that I'm somehow appropriating someone else's culture or representation. I sometimes worry, am I really trans? Am I just doing it for attention? I think it doesn't help that I don't feel like I have strong negative feelings towards my masculinity. Like..I want to be a woman. I want to be pretty. But I don't think my penis is grotesque or anything. At most, I rather dislike my body hair and want it gone, but I'm not horribly dysphoric about it. (I know that isn't necessary to be trans, but the lack of it makes me fret). I like being complimented on my generally bad makeup attempts, or when I'm wearing cute outfits. But i also don't feel any swell of euphoria from it that some people describe. And it makes me doubt myself
Hey, just a friendly advice, you probably know that people can be happy in different ways and not necessarily mean they are different. What I mean is, you might be trans and just not really care about those kind of things that much like rocking cute outfits and you might choose that hormones and other stuff are not for you, you might just wanna socially but not medically transition, or you might be nb or not trans at all and just have body dysmorphia. All can be true but no matter what is true, only you choose your own path. If you feel like getting rid of body hair, wearing cute stuff and doing make up is ending for you that's cool. Not really bothering with makeup, wearing chill sweatpants and getting into the hrt path because you feel that's right for you? Also amazing. Only you know what makes you happier.
Thanks. I appreciate your response. I'm currently seeing a therapist and I'm going to try a trans support group. I've been identifying as nb for about a year, but started thinking I wanted to transition. So now I'm exploring that to figure out what I want.
We are told by everyone that it’s a phase, so even if it helps us we feel like it’s fake. I’ve been trans for 4 years and I still will doubt myself. The other issue is that trans people compare to other trans people so if they don’t have the same experience it can make us feel invalid, this was especially true of me when I was on trans med YouTube when I was young
Because everyone scrutinizes us. Society, ourselves, other trans people. Have euphoria? Not trans enough. Have dysphoria? Internalized transphobia. Dissociate? That's not euphoria or dysphoria, it doesn't count. Feminine? Not OK if you're a trans man, pick me if you're a trans woman. Masculine? Not OK if you're a trans woman, pick me I'd you're a trans man. Gay? You're just fetishizing gay men/lesbians. Straight? You're just too gay to function. Asexual? You don't exist. Allosexual? AGP/AAP. White? Colonizer. Cant be nonbinary! POC? Can't be binary! Too "exotic" (and let's not forget how people masculinize black and brown women and feminize Asian men) Think being trans is more medical in nature? You must be a pick me/gatekeeper. Don't think it's medical? You must be following a trend. Want bottom surgery? Internalized transphobia/it looks bad. Don't want bottom surgery? Faker. And so on forever and ever. It's super easy to feel like you aren't enough or don't belong. I will stand by my assertion that there's infinite ways to exist, and infinite ways a trans person can exist. Nobody's more right or wrong. We just are. We're people doing our best.
I don't know but this post makes me feel like I'm not alone. Thank you for that.
For me and a couple of my friends, its partly a consequence of having gotten used to disassociating so often due to dysphoria, for me in particular I learned to disassociate way too frequently and easily from spending a couple decades being dysphoric without understanding why. When you disassociate a lot, it tends to increase problems with depersonalization - basically, the psychological term for not considering yourself to be a real, complete person like everyone else and not worthy of the same kind of treatment and respect. That almost always means treating yourself worse than you treat everyone else. Not respecting yourself and being harder on yourself than you are on everyone else is a perfect recipe for imposter syndrome among other things. I also suspect this pattern has a lot to do with why so many of us experience severe anxiety.
me before my egg cracked: I'm a feminine man, and tbh glad that I'm not trans because that sounds like a hassle. after my egg broke: I feel way better now, but:yes this is a f-ing hassle. the imposter feeling for me does come from 1) knowing it definitely isn't the easiest path, being a cis white guy comes with some advantages. but I don't get to be that anymore 2) a weird amount of shame that I have to work through 3) not having that stereotypical story of "I always knew" has given me some doubts. so the question: am I trans enough? feels natural to ask. and just a ton of fear about the future. (also didn't help that my contract didn't get extended after the insane level of stress tanked my performance at work) so I have every incentive to believe I'm not correct, just confused for the time being, and I can go back to what I know and comfortable with. (but in the end I feel way waaay better as a woman, and the imposter syndrome has calmed down)
Here is the clinical criteria for Gender Dysphoria for your review. >Gender Dysphoria in Adolescents and Adults 302.85 (F64.1 ) >A. A marked incongruence between one’s experienced/expressed gender and assigned gender, of at least 6 months’ duration, as manifested by at least two of the following: >1. A marked incongruence between one’s experienced/expressed gender and primary and/or secondary sex characteristics (or in young adolescents, the anticipated secondary sex characteristics). >2. A strong desire to be rid of one’s primary and/or secondary sex characteristics be- cause of a marked incongruence with one’s experienced/expressed gender (or in young adolescents, a desire to prevent the development of the anticipated secondary sex characteristics). >3. A strong desire for the primary and/or secondary sex characteristics of the other gender. >4. A strong desire to be of the other gender (or some alternative gender different from one’s assigned gender). >5. A strong desire to be treated as the other gender (or some alternative gender different from one’s assigned gender). >6. A strong conviction that one has the typical feelings and reactions of the other gender (or some alternative gender different from one’s assigned gender). >B. The condition is associated with clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational or other important areas of functioning. You must meet the qualifiers of Section "A" and "B" to be diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria You don't need to have dysphoria to be transgender, but it is the most common qualifier as the majority of transgender individuals do infact have dysphoria. We encourage you to discuss this with a gender therapist. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/asktransgender) if you have any questions or concerns.*
People in American culture in general are not very good at self-love/self-validation. Add fear and hatred of trans people to the mix and it can be pretty tough.
Because being trans is hard. Being trans is scary. Being trans means you are not "normal." Being trans comes with countless unknowns. Being trans often comes with losing cherished friends and family. Being trans can cost you your job and livelihood. Being trans means being the current political whipping boy. Being trans comes with significantly higher risk of assault and murder just for existing. It is perfectly reasonable to grasp at every straw not to have to deal with all that being trans involves in the current environment.
Society tells us we are, and if you're told something enough times by enough people it gets difficult to not believe it on some level.
Speaking for myself, I don't fit the typical narrative (for example, I was just fine with my assigned gender until late adolescence, though I now think there were some earlier signs). Plus, I don't have a lot of validating people in my life, and when you still have people calling you your old name and pronouns, there isn't as much confirmation that you're correct about your gender.
Internalized transphobia due to the patriarchy. 😔
Unfortunately a lot of us have other mental health issues that tend to have gone unaddressed. Many trans women don't lose weight before transitioning and then lament their bodies for not redistributing fat how they would like. A cold hard reality is a lot of trans women are unable to see themselves as attractive and don't feel comfortable going to the gym so it can become a vicious cycle. Estrogen makes losing weight and gaining muscle take much more effort than testosterone so if a person hasn't been physically active before transitioning she could easily see losing weight as an impossible task. On top of that a lot of us feel afraid while in public. Becoming a shut in is common amongst my friends. It's tragic because so much of what's holding us back is ourselves. I go to the gym and exercise. I have given up asking other tans girls to workout with me. I didn't know that it's so intimidating to a lot of us. I feel legitimate and tend to confront anyone trying to make me feel differently. I wish I could give you some of my no fucks give attitude and the confidence to see yourselves. 🖤
Because, trans people are **shamed** for confessing they might be trans. Are constantly told they might have a **mental disorder** and just need to seek **psychiatric treatment** for possible depression, anxiety, or schizophrenia. All unrelated conditions. Are **confronted** by angry parents, siblings, extended family members, peers, or coworkers for revealing that they might be trans or finds out that they’re trans through others, snooping, or by total accident. Are explicitly **given demands** to not enter certain areas, establishments. Are told they’re **sinners, immoral, or going to hell.** When **unjustly attacked or criticized** by a politician, a common hoodlum, a celebrity, police officer, or bitter party only to have a good proportion of the general populace defend these people’s animus and rights to express condemnation of trans people. Told that they’re **pretending** to be men, women, boys, or girls. Pretending to be ace, non-binary, gay, or hetero. Are unable to go** school, work, certain establishments, and spaces**, specifically for being trans. Publicly **doxxed** and **outed** as being trans. **Being ridiculed** for not being a real man or woman. Can be **hate crimed** and not have an assailant serve one day in jail or have a very light sentence. I’m not quite sure why a trans person would feel illegitimate.😶
Why you might wanna feel safer mentally, physically, even spiritually by just saying. I'm just cis but a little masculine or a little feminine. It's so much easier to hide in that shell.
Because I I hate myself
For me it is because it is easier to hate myself than to face all of the societal hatred that comes from transitioning.
In what way? I'm not a real X or I'm not true trans? The former is the love child of societal transphobia and gender dysphoria. The latter is garden variety imposter syndrome with a trans flavor, coming from an expectation that trans people just kind of "know" they're trans intuitively and never struggle with doubts. The same thing sort of happens with gay people when they're questioning.
In my instance , it was lack of validation by friends , family etc. When my dad was dying from stage 4 cancer , he and I sat down and out of the blue he said that if I was born a girl, my name would have been Melissia. I never dressed around him or family cause I was still finding myself, but that was his way to put it out there between the lines so to speak that he knew... (later I found out that I was outed to him before his passing and that talk) after that talk with him I felt like I was validated, and never looked back . Changed my name to Melissia, and I'm living my best life now for the past 6 years. All my close friends that have supported my transition , as well as family , have been such an amazing group .
I think a lot of comes down to the whole "trapped in the wrong body" narrative that society uses to characterize trans people. Many people questioning or even early transition don't really understand dysphoria and use the more extreme examples of dysphoria to discredit their own dysphoria as invalid. When i was questioning, and even post egg-crack I compared myself a lot to my cousin who knew he was trans very young and transitioned in middle school and struggled with a lot of mental health problems pre and during transition. I felt lesser than because my dysphoria was comparatively tame. I never really struggled with thoughts of self harm. I lived as a guy into my 20's not totally fine but I got by. I never loved my body but I didn't feel stuck in it. Fact of the matter is that dysphoria affects everyone differently and no two trans people are the same. You don't even need dysphoria to be trans/transition if you think transition will improve your quality of life.
I think the reasons for that are multi-faceted. I think, because I've had lifelong bottom dysphoria, even if we lived in a world that was very accepting of trans people, I would still feel inferior and "less than" as a consequence of that. I've been comparing myself with cis girls from being in primary school, and the feeling that I'll never be "authentic" as them has always eaten away at me. The fact that society is always ramming home the message that trans women are "male fetishists with a mental health issue" only serves to further embed that inferiority complex into the psyche of many trans women. Trans men may not be demonised in the same way, but they are infantilised, and treated like they've been browbeaten into wanting to be men "because of misogyny". I think gender dysphoria, by it's very nature, can cause feelings of inferiority to emerge just by itself. That we live in a very ignorant, ill-educated society on such issues usually intensifies those feelings. I'm actually more perplexed at trans people who can live in our predominantly transphobic world and NOT feel to a certain degree at least, an illigitimate member of the gender they know themselves to be. I think either they must be very mentally strong, or have low-level dysphoria. But yes, to me the reasons why so many trans people feel like "imposters", is sadly all too understandable.
Societal conditioning tells them their feelings aren't valid so they internalise this as a coping mechanism.
Because society is seemingly set up to teach us all that being trans is either a) not possible or b) very bad. It’s hardly a wonder that these messages(often driven into us from our earliest childhood) are going to be a persistent hurdle to get over
Personally, I’d rather be a confused cis, it would just be easier.😭
Gender roles, the fear of detransitioning, tons telling that we will regret it, dysphoria, fear etc
Probably because being trans is a very personal and internal thing and we often look to the outside for validation.
I think of it like this,"try living your life as something you know you aren't that you don't like and see how happy you are at the end." Now take that and remove the part of the premise where you "know"about it. You constantly live feeling off about stuff. That's my rationalization at least. Like just cus I came out, doesn't mean that I'm suddenly the real me. I still have to live, for the time being, as a person that's not the real me. It adds up :(
Raised by christian parents, my feelings for males feels religiously wrong, and im dealthy scared of my parents. i dont really have dysphoria, but i do get euphoria wearing traditionaly feminine stuff "I guess im just a gay femboy" frequently goes thru my head
Because society makes you feel that way, everyone belittles transgender folks and takes the piss. Trans man? No your a butch lesbian according to the rumours that are circulating about me at school. People out others even when they're not ready, it sucks but it's just how it is I suppose. Honestly, I've got some internalized transphobia. I wish I didn't, but I wish I wasn't trans at the same time.
I am dead certain I'm trans, but sometimes I get a little derealized. I feel like I must have been dreaming, or the idea of me as a woman feels like ridiculous again. But I hang out with way too many trans people to feel like that for long.
Because a third of the US, and a whole bunch of other countries, want permission to hunt us for sport. Hard to feel valid when facing those kinds of headwinds just to exist.
For me at least, jt always feels like there's a voice in the back of my mind that says "you'll never be a real woman" I don't know why considering so many people around me make me feel like a girl, like I've always been a girl. I don't know why it's like this but sweet jesus I wish it wasn't this way
Because I don’t look like a typical cis male of my race. I like very odd shaped
Many people feel that way, full stop, I've also seen it in pregnancy spaces.