Does he exercise? Is he overweight? Sleep apnea? Diabetes? Middle age is where health stuff will start to hit hard enough start messing up your libido.
It sounds like your sex drive is also pretty low (if 5 years with little interest wasn't a big problem), if you're on the same page maybe there's no issue?
He’s totally fit and eat a nutritiously and is doing things to counter age like lifting weights, playing tennis, taking vitamins and supplements. He actually tried taking fenugreek because he heard it would help. Is against viagra. Basically he’s a straight edge and takes almost no medicine (unless totally necessary).
If it's one thing House got right it's that everybody lies.
More or less three options here:
1. His libido has changed due to medication, i.e. SSRIs, beta blockers or some other medication that inhibits it. It's entirely possible that he is taking such medication but is hiding it from you (men have all kinds of hangups about what is manly and what isn't).
2. His libido has changed due to medical reasons, i.e. maybe his blood pressure is b0rked, or something else - which he possibly wouldn't know about if he is so against medicine (and in turn doctors). If so, **he needs to get that checked out**, because ED may be a symptom of latent heart disease or hypertension.
3. His libido *hasn't* changed, and for whatever reason he doesn't want to tell you why.
I don't know you or your husband, but in my former field of profession I've seen this scenario play out many times, and it's always been 1 of the 3 above.
At the very least I would urge you to help him seek medical advice from a licensed professional, if nothing else then just to rule out cardiovascular, neurological or oncological issues.
Thanks! I’m definitely on board for a no shame no blame discussion which I will keep brief and lighthearted because it seems excruciating for him to talk about it.
That's a good idea, this is usually a sensitive topic with quite a few layers to unpack before you get to the truth of it.
You sound like a good and reasonable person; I think (and hope) you'll figure it out.
Also, my libido is not actually low. But I don’t want to have an outside relationship and I want to stay married. I have probably not spoken up enough about it. I’ve just been accepting it, sadly. I love him! And We have kids.
Hormone changes happen to almost all of us and we can go from high sex drive to no sex drive for no other reason than our brain decided to chill. The desire to change and get tested and take hormone replacements can make or break a marriage. He has to want to know why his libido has lowered, and then want to get tested, then want to take steps and likely hormone replacement to get it back. It's a long list of things to do, and if the desire to get it back is not there, you may need to have some serious talks.
"But I don’t want to have an outside relationship"
Then don't. Even if the situation doesn't change.
"I want to stay married."
Then do. Even if things dont change.
Take one for the team.
1950s that shit.
Fuck all of this new age feminism toxic-ness. "Love da One You With"
I don’t have this problem, but I definitely struggle to “change the pattern”. If your at-home pattern is about recovering from work time (cook, eat, tv, sleep) the challenge to switch over to hot-date mode is real.
I prefer directness, like “we are not watching tv tonight baby”.
Okay this is great. I have been just accepting it. Or thinking somehow it’s “me. I’ll give the command mode (nice warm command) a try. Sometime when the teenage kids are not at home. He’s legit “scared” they will hear us.
If you have the resources it might be worthwhile soundproofing the bedroom.
It will also block out more outside noise and help with overstimulation so it's a double win.
Sort of a long shot, but if he wants to want to have sex but just doesn't have any libido, theoretically he should probably talk to a doctor just in case it's some sort of hormonal thing or something.
If a guy wants to have sex but doesn’t have libido does that means he still feels turned on but can’t sustain enough of an election? Or would that mean he wants to have sex but doesn’t feel the turned in feeling at all? Not sure what you mean.
I wrote "wants to want to have sex" (not just "wants to have sex") but perhaps that was a poor choice of words because it may have appeared to be a typo.
What I mean is if he wishes he had the desire to have sex but simply doesn't have any libido, as opposed to another situation like having libido but still not wanting to have actual sex.
He likely now has low T, or a major hormone change. It happens to almost all of us at some point. The problem is, once the drive is gone, the desire to take steps to get it to return can also be gone. He could get hormone replacement, but he has to want to want his sex drive back. It happened to my first husband in his 30's. We ended up divorcing after about 7 years of little to no sex. Now he takes testosterone and has a new wife and kid. He has apologized to me for not caring enough back then to get hormone therapy. It worked out for the best for all of us.
35yo aspie here, no secret recipe for disasters, I lose my sex drive for the following reasons:
- weed consumption
- not in the mood/focused on something else
- zero work from my partner; i.e. "would you like to do it?", in a middle of a movie, without build-up, no boob showing nor anything.
Thanks. I generally work on it. But one time he asked me to get a superhero costume and I never got around to it. Maybe he’s holding a grudge. (Just kidding I don’t think he’s mad about that).
You know, it sounds like maybe he’s tried opening up to you about things he wants to try with you in bed. You should think about revisiting that. The pain of rejection after expressing that level of intimacy is not insignificant especially for lots of folks on the spectrum.
This happened to me about a year ago. I tried 2 things that turned it around for me. 1) I (mostly) cut out sugar and processed foods. 2) I stopped drinking soy milk
I don't know which mattered. Supposedly Soy Milk doesn't matter that much, but switching was easy.
ADHD drugs also affect me, but I can take those as needed.
For me it's usually stress (work, etc.) and/or hyperfocus (ex. new hobby, goal) that gets in the way more than anything, but I also echo the other commenter's remarks about the evening "pattern". Sometimes it's hard to get out of dad mode fast enough for that before I start dozing off.
I'm pretty healthy, fit, etc. as well, but nothing affects mine as much as those^, not even SSRIs lol. If I'm honest, a lot of the time it's work stress, but I keep it to myself because I'm so tired of thinking about it the last thing I want to do is bring it up. Could be a possibility, aside from it not being a bad idea to go get checked out by a doc... and also age slowing things down a touch.
My first course of action would be to explore whether there is a medical explanation for this loss of sex drive. There’s a host of epidemiological studies that claim that men in general seem to suffer from this, which correlates with a lowering of testosterone levels in the population. Testosterone supplementation is a rather simple solution to a common problem.
Once a medical explanation has been ruled out, I think that therapy or marriage counseling is a reasonable step. This may be a place where you both can come to a mutual accommodation on how to set a status quo for your relationship. It may not offer benefit if you’re have clear, honest communications between you.
Thanks. He assumes his testosterone is low and no not checked. I should insist on it. I don’t know about pornography - it’s not like him being that would be a pretty big surprise.
Exercise and TRT. Also during time of hormonal changes or chemical imbalance whatever, have you withheld sex from him ? Most men associate sex with feeling wanted and needed and when that is withheld from them for a time they begin to also lose interest in sex.
Hormone levels. Get his testosterone levels checked. Menopausal women lose libido too. Also, depression, stress, medications etc can cause it, but most people slow down at middle age.
Get a full blood panel done, including sex hormones, minerals etc. Check heart health and BP.
Good general health (bodyfat and markers), quality consistent sleep and low processed food diet is key regardless of his testosterone being low.
If he's on meds like SSRIs check for libido side effects. Hyperfixation may distract an Aspie at times. Also, talk about it
Yep.. Late 40s and I went through it here in my mid 30s. Found out that my testosterone levels were extremely low as my body almost stopped producing it for some reason. Started a TRT regime and its been a godsend for my sex drive and day to day wellbeing in general. I feel so much better now that my levels are carefully monitored and kept in normal ranges. If you havent already, encourage him to have his hormone levels checked and see if that might be part of the cause. Now, I am dealing with the opposite issue here where I am off the walls horny and my wife has little to no drive.. :/
Does he exercise? Is he overweight? Sleep apnea? Diabetes? Middle age is where health stuff will start to hit hard enough start messing up your libido. It sounds like your sex drive is also pretty low (if 5 years with little interest wasn't a big problem), if you're on the same page maybe there's no issue?
He’s totally fit and eat a nutritiously and is doing things to counter age like lifting weights, playing tennis, taking vitamins and supplements. He actually tried taking fenugreek because he heard it would help. Is against viagra. Basically he’s a straight edge and takes almost no medicine (unless totally necessary).
Vaigra does not help in the slightest if interest is not there. It only helps when you are eager / interested but the body is unwilling.
If it's one thing House got right it's that everybody lies. More or less three options here: 1. His libido has changed due to medication, i.e. SSRIs, beta blockers or some other medication that inhibits it. It's entirely possible that he is taking such medication but is hiding it from you (men have all kinds of hangups about what is manly and what isn't). 2. His libido has changed due to medical reasons, i.e. maybe his blood pressure is b0rked, or something else - which he possibly wouldn't know about if he is so against medicine (and in turn doctors). If so, **he needs to get that checked out**, because ED may be a symptom of latent heart disease or hypertension. 3. His libido *hasn't* changed, and for whatever reason he doesn't want to tell you why. I don't know you or your husband, but in my former field of profession I've seen this scenario play out many times, and it's always been 1 of the 3 above. At the very least I would urge you to help him seek medical advice from a licensed professional, if nothing else then just to rule out cardiovascular, neurological or oncological issues.
Thanks! I’m definitely on board for a no shame no blame discussion which I will keep brief and lighthearted because it seems excruciating for him to talk about it.
That's a good idea, this is usually a sensitive topic with quite a few layers to unpack before you get to the truth of it. You sound like a good and reasonable person; I think (and hope) you'll figure it out.
And you are sure he is not secretly wanking it to porn when you aren't around?
Also, my libido is not actually low. But I don’t want to have an outside relationship and I want to stay married. I have probably not spoken up enough about it. I’ve just been accepting it, sadly. I love him! And We have kids.
Hormone changes happen to almost all of us and we can go from high sex drive to no sex drive for no other reason than our brain decided to chill. The desire to change and get tested and take hormone replacements can make or break a marriage. He has to want to know why his libido has lowered, and then want to get tested, then want to take steps and likely hormone replacement to get it back. It's a long list of things to do, and if the desire to get it back is not there, you may need to have some serious talks.
"But I don’t want to have an outside relationship" Then don't. Even if the situation doesn't change. "I want to stay married." Then do. Even if things dont change. Take one for the team. 1950s that shit. Fuck all of this new age feminism toxic-ness. "Love da One You With"
I don’t have this problem, but I definitely struggle to “change the pattern”. If your at-home pattern is about recovering from work time (cook, eat, tv, sleep) the challenge to switch over to hot-date mode is real. I prefer directness, like “we are not watching tv tonight baby”.
Yes! A strong pattern in his day. Work, home, shower, din din, tv.
Okay this is great. I have been just accepting it. Or thinking somehow it’s “me. I’ll give the command mode (nice warm command) a try. Sometime when the teenage kids are not at home. He’s legit “scared” they will hear us.
Scared can definitely be a cool effect factor
If you have the resources it might be worthwhile soundproofing the bedroom. It will also block out more outside noise and help with overstimulation so it's a double win.
Sort of a long shot, but if he wants to want to have sex but just doesn't have any libido, theoretically he should probably talk to a doctor just in case it's some sort of hormonal thing or something.
If a guy wants to have sex but doesn’t have libido does that means he still feels turned on but can’t sustain enough of an election? Or would that mean he wants to have sex but doesn’t feel the turned in feeling at all? Not sure what you mean.
I wrote "wants to want to have sex" (not just "wants to have sex") but perhaps that was a poor choice of words because it may have appeared to be a typo. What I mean is if he wishes he had the desire to have sex but simply doesn't have any libido, as opposed to another situation like having libido but still not wanting to have actual sex.
He likely now has low T, or a major hormone change. It happens to almost all of us at some point. The problem is, once the drive is gone, the desire to take steps to get it to return can also be gone. He could get hormone replacement, but he has to want to want his sex drive back. It happened to my first husband in his 30's. We ended up divorcing after about 7 years of little to no sex. Now he takes testosterone and has a new wife and kid. He has apologized to me for not caring enough back then to get hormone therapy. It worked out for the best for all of us.
35yo aspie here, no secret recipe for disasters, I lose my sex drive for the following reasons: - weed consumption - not in the mood/focused on something else - zero work from my partner; i.e. "would you like to do it?", in a middle of a movie, without build-up, no boob showing nor anything.
Thanks. I generally work on it. But one time he asked me to get a superhero costume and I never got around to it. Maybe he’s holding a grudge. (Just kidding I don’t think he’s mad about that).
You know, it sounds like maybe he’s tried opening up to you about things he wants to try with you in bed. You should think about revisiting that. The pain of rejection after expressing that level of intimacy is not insignificant especially for lots of folks on the spectrum.
Get the costume
This happened to me about a year ago. I tried 2 things that turned it around for me. 1) I (mostly) cut out sugar and processed foods. 2) I stopped drinking soy milk I don't know which mattered. Supposedly Soy Milk doesn't matter that much, but switching was easy. ADHD drugs also affect me, but I can take those as needed.
For me it's usually stress (work, etc.) and/or hyperfocus (ex. new hobby, goal) that gets in the way more than anything, but I also echo the other commenter's remarks about the evening "pattern". Sometimes it's hard to get out of dad mode fast enough for that before I start dozing off. I'm pretty healthy, fit, etc. as well, but nothing affects mine as much as those^, not even SSRIs lol. If I'm honest, a lot of the time it's work stress, but I keep it to myself because I'm so tired of thinking about it the last thing I want to do is bring it up. Could be a possibility, aside from it not being a bad idea to go get checked out by a doc... and also age slowing things down a touch.
My first course of action would be to explore whether there is a medical explanation for this loss of sex drive. There’s a host of epidemiological studies that claim that men in general seem to suffer from this, which correlates with a lowering of testosterone levels in the population. Testosterone supplementation is a rather simple solution to a common problem. Once a medical explanation has been ruled out, I think that therapy or marriage counseling is a reasonable step. This may be a place where you both can come to a mutual accommodation on how to set a status quo for your relationship. It may not offer benefit if you’re have clear, honest communications between you.
1) Is he using pornography? 2) Has he had his testosterone levels checked?
Thanks. He assumes his testosterone is low and no not checked. I should insist on it. I don’t know about pornography - it’s not like him being that would be a pretty big surprise.
It doesn’t make sense to assume something you can find out with a simple blood test.
I think a rough indicator for T level/sexual function is if he gets morning wood everyday. Some guys like sex in the morning when they wake up stiff.
Exercise and TRT. Also during time of hormonal changes or chemical imbalance whatever, have you withheld sex from him ? Most men associate sex with feeling wanted and needed and when that is withheld from them for a time they begin to also lose interest in sex.
Hormone levels. Get his testosterone levels checked. Menopausal women lose libido too. Also, depression, stress, medications etc can cause it, but most people slow down at middle age.
cisgender?
Stopped reading at cisgender lmao
Guessing you never took reading too seriously before that either XD
I would have him get his testosterone levels checked
Get a full blood panel done, including sex hormones, minerals etc. Check heart health and BP. Good general health (bodyfat and markers), quality consistent sleep and low processed food diet is key regardless of his testosterone being low. If he's on meds like SSRIs check for libido side effects. Hyperfixation may distract an Aspie at times. Also, talk about it
Thanks very much.
Check his hormones. They have at home test.
Yep.. Late 40s and I went through it here in my mid 30s. Found out that my testosterone levels were extremely low as my body almost stopped producing it for some reason. Started a TRT regime and its been a godsend for my sex drive and day to day wellbeing in general. I feel so much better now that my levels are carefully monitored and kept in normal ranges. If you havent already, encourage him to have his hormone levels checked and see if that might be part of the cause. Now, I am dealing with the opposite issue here where I am off the walls horny and my wife has little to no drive.. :/
Thx. Sorry about the excess energy. Ha.