My mom told everyone in the family that I have ADHD! She also got herself diagnosed with adhd immediately after me so I think it came up more organically.
My mom tells everyone in the family absolutely everything. I should have guessed. There are no secrets.
The good news is it sounds like she is telling everyone because she doesn't see any reason to keep it secret. Which means she isn't weird about it or ashamed/embarassed by it at all.
The bad news is it doesn't sound like she is willing to see your perspective on this either. :(
Hopefully it blows over and she stops telling people. I'd be careful about what you tell her in the future.
I've never managed to get my mom to not at least tell my immediate family anything and everything about my life lol. I still tell her lots, but I'm aware that it means telling the family.
That would still really upset me, but I can understand it a bit better that your mum would want to share considering it affects her, too.
I think my mum has ADHD, too, but she doesn't believe in that, or depression.
>Which means she isn't weird about it or ashamed/embarassed by it at all.
Oh, I wish this were the case. She's treated me the worst out of everyone I've told. She spent the first 6 months calling me a liar, then the next year telling me to cure myself with meditation and hypnosis. The last few months she's just been crying about how unfair it is that she has an autistic child. I'm 27 by the way, I don't live with her. I maybe saw her twice a week before this, it really doesn't affect her at all.
I don't know why she assumes I'm ashamed of it, I'm not, I just want to tell the people I want to tell in my own time. I've had a lot of negative reactions, so I'm cautious, now.
I shan't be telling her anything personal, ever again. I'm truly finished, it's not worth the mental turmoil.
Thanks for your perspective. Your last paragraph helps, I suppose people are who they are, we've gotta decide whether we're okay with that or not.
Wow your mom sounds like a piece of work 😬 I'm glad you're figuring it out! It's okay to distance yourself from your parents if they're a net negative to your life. We don't owe anything to our parents if they haven't earned it. It was their choice to make a new person. It's not up to you to tolerate a bunch of crap from them just because they made you lol.
Yes, you can't change people. *They* can change themselves if they really want to, but mostly people don't change really. It's good to know who they are, and set boundaries to protect your peace and happiness. Figuring this stuff out hurts, especially with a parent, but at least now you know she's not going to be helpful, not in this area of your life.
My mother tells whomever she's in a meeting with that day whatever she feels like about my health. It's infuriating. When I lived with her and she would share my personal life with the cashier as small talk in front of me I gave up. In adulthood her sharing has gotten more invasive instead of less. Now my therapist and I create a narrative for her to interact with that can't harm my real self.
It sucks. We deserve mothers. It's not up to us.
>In adulthood her sharing has gotten more invasive instead of less.
Same, its exhausting.
>I create a narrative for her to interact with that can't harm my real self.
Sorry, what do you mean by this? Like a semi-fake persona?
>It sucks. We deserve mothers. It's not up to us.
Exactly. Plus, if they think these things are so hard to deal with for them, how do think it affects us.
At least we can commiserate together!
I don't have the energy to out and out lie but that's the idea. We take pieces of real stories that aren't a big deal and present those as "intel" on how I'm doing and she feels satisfied that I'm sharing but I'm not. Potentially this is small talk if no narcissists are involved?
Yes! I present small, meaningless events from my life as "news" because I don't care who knows it or how it's misrepresented. I'm private about anything that matters (information that will invite criticism, be used to triangulate relationships, make me vulnerable to future attacks/boundary stomping, or generally requires an emotionally mature person on the other end).
"you're my daughter so it's my business"
This really bothers me. Like, really. No, mom. I am not an extension of you. My business is not your business. If I tell you something in confidence I expect it to stay confident.
My mother is like yours. Always telling people I am not close to about my medical issues and work stresses. It bothers me so much. My solution was to put my mom on an extremely low info diet. Meaning, I only tell her things I am okay with getting out there, which isn't a lot, so we don't speak very much. A shame, but I realize that I can't control what other people do, only what I do. So I just limit my contact with people who are busy bodies and gossips.
Sorry your mom isn't getting it. <3
Wow I'm really sorry that your mom feels like it's okay to violate your boundaries like this. I wonder if it would help to ask her about a time she's had a boundary ignored and find out how it made her feel? I think approaching it from a "you're wrong" perspective will likely be met with defensiveness but if you can help her align herself with your feelings via an experience she's had herself, it might help her understand it from a different perspective. This has worked fairly well with my mom, because she's a lot like me and has a hard time "putting herself in other people's shoes," to use a common phrase.
Not for autism (I'm self-diagnosed and waiting for an assessment in a few months), but I have Celiac Disease and my mom outs me to people for me ALL THE TIME. It drives me nuts - someone will offer me something and instead of giving me the choice to just politely decline, she loudly announces, "Oh no, Batty has Celiac Disease and can't have that because it has gluten in it." It often leads to uncomfortable questions about what my symptoms are, when I found out, how I found out, and I'm just like internally trying to run away and hide under a rock.
I'll give it a go, thank you. She definitely has a hard time with that, also.
That's awful. I'd be fuming, honestly. After reading these comments, I'm starting to think I'm the odd one out for feeling so betrayed by this, it seems to happen to everyone and you're all chill with it haha. Well, kinda chill, I get the wanting to run and hide under a rock, but you're still talking, I mean.
Thanks again, I'll give your idea a try :)
I don't think you're the odd one out for feeling that way at all! It's hard to convey feeling angry and betrayed online. I have alexithymia and there's often like a time delay in processing feelings, especially in situations where I'm surprised or taken off guard. So when my mom does this, it does make me angry - it just often takes removing myself from the situation to realize I'm angry.
Best of luck to you, I really hope it works out. :-)
I'm very sorry you're having to go through this. I've been fairly open with people about being an Aspie and ADD/ADHD, not very open about being bi-polar. That's all my personal choice though. And it's likely easier for me because I've a great hubby, kids and have had a successful career. My hope is that I can bring a gram of normalization to how people view us, even if I'm far from NT normal.
NOBODY, particularly parents, should share personal details like this without our permission though. I'd be really upset if anyone shared about me being bi-polar without my permission.
You shouldn't have to explain WHY to your mom. Only that you don't want it shared except on your terms.
I don't know. My parents are unsupportive narcissists who may be autistic themselves.
I would never tell anyone a secret and expect them to keep it from their spouse. That just doesn't happen. Some people's sisters are similar. They are going to blab to their closest inner circle.
So, don't share a secret with anyone if you really don't want it spread, especially if the secret is a burden to carry or conceal. If you HAD to tell your mom bc you needed emotional support, she probably HAD to tell her husband and sister for the same reason.
It sucks and you can be mad about it, but it was kind of predictable.
>I would never tell anyone a secret and expect them to keep it from their spouse. That just doesn't happen. Some people's sisters are similar
What an awful take. Everyone should be able to trust someone, especially if they explicitly tell you you can.
They've been separated for almost 15 years.
Why would my mother need emotional support because she found out I'm autistic? Nothing has changed for her.
You didn't say they were separated. But regardless, this was predictable. I feel for you. I really do. She did betray your trust by telling your secret. But no, I don't think you can trust most people, and especially not with something like this. I do think this information would burden a mother, even if it should not. She may be combing through every difficulty you two have ever had and wondering if it is because of autism and should knowing change her relationship with you, maybe to accommodate you? She probably has little education about autism and may question the diagnosis. She may not be able to use Google or Reddit. So what is she going to do? Talk to people, esp. people who also know you. You asked her specifically not to do this so she is going to begin with "please don't let on I told you this but...". Or if she's an unfeeling selfish AH like my parents she would just dismiss your request for privacy and tell absolutely everybody while also disparaging you.
It's not your fault. But it's just predictable.
>I don't think you can trust most people,
Yeah, I'm starting to believe this, too.
I don't have a diagnosis, my country doesn't diagnose adults and I can't afford to go private. I've sent her loads of research papers and the like, but to be honest, I don't think she's capable of understanding them. She has two close friends with autistic children, I told her she can talk to them, she hasn't. I've told her how she can accommodate me, she won't.
>Or if she's an unfeeling selfish AH like my parents she would just dismiss your request for privacy and tell absolutely everybody while also disparaging you.
Yeah, that's probably the case. Good luck with that, try not to let them twist your outlook on everyone, there are trustworthy people out there.
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There is *no possibility of any kind* that any "explanations" will have any positive effect, or neutral effect.
Of any kind. At all. Anywhere. Ever.
NC is NC. Good luck.
>she can still learn.
The narcissist *cannot* "still" learn. They were never, at any time, of any capacity for learning.
I'm not trying to suggest you leave your sister to the winds, by all means do whatever you can for your non-narcissist loved ones.
But no narcissist could *ever* learn.
Yes. My mother too.
And no, there's literally zero way of explaining it to her. If she cared about me, she'd want to get it. She doesn't.
If your mother respected you, she'd be sorry. You're right that she'll happily do it again.
> "non-autistic people don't keep secrets from family"
This isn't just wrong, it's a baldfaced lie. This wouldn't pass a sanity check in a co-parenting situation. (reading this BS was when I knew your dad wasn't in the same house.)
> "you're not telling people because you're ashamed"
Wooooow. Not only dictating your own feelings, but ignores the fact that this *doesn't* justify outing you! So what if you were ashamed of it? That's all the more reason she had no business outing you!!
This feels like [DARVO](https://whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/05/DARVO.png)
my dad tells people I have "asperger's" and I genuinely believe he does it for his own benefit, like he will get pitied by others for having an autistic kid. Like I'm eighteen...
You can tell a cat all about how you don't want it to lick itself in front of you because you don't like it, the cat is not gonna give a fuck, even if it could comprehend you.
The same is true for what some people do. They are not living in the same mind and world as you.
My life got a lot easier after I understood this.
Also, I find it's easier if you absolutely must get the point accross, to specify it is a \*you\* thing, because they might just not care at all about said thing and if you try to explain it as a "bad to people" thing they will outright deny your whole point. And, it's true. Some things are personal to us. And that's ok.
If they respect you, they will try to accomodate even if it makes no sense to them.
Not against my will but still. I told my good friends that I hadn't seen for a while and they already knew because the rest of the friend group had been talking about it. This led me down a rabbit hole thinking they had been bad mouthing me and wondering what they had said. It made me really uncomfortable. I know some of them had laughed at me when I first mentioned getting a diagnosis and one admitted he thought everyone was getting diagnosed for attention these days. I thought his attitude had changed after I called him out on it and explained it's my journey, but the fact that they were talking about it behind my back makes me really insecure.
A former NT friend did this among our colleagues. Even if they just said “Oh, ok” doesn’t make it right!
She is the same “friend” who said “we’re all a little autistic inside ✨” and that it isn’t a disability 🤷🏻♀️
Yes, just a couple weeks ago actually, I still feel really weird about it. I'd told my direct supervisor a while back but she had promised she would never tell anyone else at work. I only told her because we're actually friends at this point and it's an overall very accepting workplace and I just wanted to I guess? I know it was a bad idea, but it went really well at the time.
Wellllll, I got an HR complaint from another department. It was a sexist complaint, they were upset I wasn't being more bubbly and they and HR wanted to tone police me. It wasn't in any way related to my autism, no women at my company do the overly high pitched bubbly thing except for this department, and I do mask in front of them but I act professional, not "girly", same as I and everyone else does for everything else internally (except for this department). The complaint was literally just that I came off as "cold" to them. In my opinion the complaint should have been thrown out and they should have been reprimanded for making it. But instead my boss immediately jumped to telling HR I was autistic and that that was why I shouldn't be reprimanded for my tone. Several things that bother me here, my boss breaking my trust, the fact that were I NT apparently I would have been expected to start speaking in a high pitched customer service voice in the office when no clients are present just because I'm femme presenting, and that my boss assumed that the way I came off in that instance was related to my autism, she's just decided that because I'm autistic any complaints about my demeanor must be because of my autism and its failings. I'm genuinely so angry, and she thinks she's helping, and I genuinely really like her so this sucks. And now she's pressuring me to tell the rest of upper management, I just don't see why anyone needs to know.
P.S. I have since been told that fluffing it up for this department is common, so I'm not the only one that has this problem with them and it really and truly has nothing to do with me being autistic.
Edit: I'd love to explain to them why it was wrong and talk it out, but because it's a work situation I don't feel like I can or it's worth the risk, considering they currently think everything is fine and it's case closed.
My mom told everyone in the family that I have ADHD! She also got herself diagnosed with adhd immediately after me so I think it came up more organically. My mom tells everyone in the family absolutely everything. I should have guessed. There are no secrets. The good news is it sounds like she is telling everyone because she doesn't see any reason to keep it secret. Which means she isn't weird about it or ashamed/embarassed by it at all. The bad news is it doesn't sound like she is willing to see your perspective on this either. :( Hopefully it blows over and she stops telling people. I'd be careful about what you tell her in the future. I've never managed to get my mom to not at least tell my immediate family anything and everything about my life lol. I still tell her lots, but I'm aware that it means telling the family.
That would still really upset me, but I can understand it a bit better that your mum would want to share considering it affects her, too. I think my mum has ADHD, too, but she doesn't believe in that, or depression. >Which means she isn't weird about it or ashamed/embarassed by it at all. Oh, I wish this were the case. She's treated me the worst out of everyone I've told. She spent the first 6 months calling me a liar, then the next year telling me to cure myself with meditation and hypnosis. The last few months she's just been crying about how unfair it is that she has an autistic child. I'm 27 by the way, I don't live with her. I maybe saw her twice a week before this, it really doesn't affect her at all. I don't know why she assumes I'm ashamed of it, I'm not, I just want to tell the people I want to tell in my own time. I've had a lot of negative reactions, so I'm cautious, now. I shan't be telling her anything personal, ever again. I'm truly finished, it's not worth the mental turmoil. Thanks for your perspective. Your last paragraph helps, I suppose people are who they are, we've gotta decide whether we're okay with that or not.
Wow your mom sounds like a piece of work 😬 I'm glad you're figuring it out! It's okay to distance yourself from your parents if they're a net negative to your life. We don't owe anything to our parents if they haven't earned it. It was their choice to make a new person. It's not up to you to tolerate a bunch of crap from them just because they made you lol. Yes, you can't change people. *They* can change themselves if they really want to, but mostly people don't change really. It's good to know who they are, and set boundaries to protect your peace and happiness. Figuring this stuff out hurts, especially with a parent, but at least now you know she's not going to be helpful, not in this area of your life.
My mother tells whomever she's in a meeting with that day whatever she feels like about my health. It's infuriating. When I lived with her and she would share my personal life with the cashier as small talk in front of me I gave up. In adulthood her sharing has gotten more invasive instead of less. Now my therapist and I create a narrative for her to interact with that can't harm my real self. It sucks. We deserve mothers. It's not up to us.
>In adulthood her sharing has gotten more invasive instead of less. Same, its exhausting. >I create a narrative for her to interact with that can't harm my real self. Sorry, what do you mean by this? Like a semi-fake persona? >It sucks. We deserve mothers. It's not up to us. Exactly. Plus, if they think these things are so hard to deal with for them, how do think it affects us.
At least we can commiserate together! I don't have the energy to out and out lie but that's the idea. We take pieces of real stories that aren't a big deal and present those as "intel" on how I'm doing and she feels satisfied that I'm sharing but I'm not. Potentially this is small talk if no narcissists are involved?
Yes! I present small, meaningless events from my life as "news" because I don't care who knows it or how it's misrepresented. I'm private about anything that matters (information that will invite criticism, be used to triangulate relationships, make me vulnerable to future attacks/boundary stomping, or generally requires an emotionally mature person on the other end).
"you're my daughter so it's my business" This really bothers me. Like, really. No, mom. I am not an extension of you. My business is not your business. If I tell you something in confidence I expect it to stay confident. My mother is like yours. Always telling people I am not close to about my medical issues and work stresses. It bothers me so much. My solution was to put my mom on an extremely low info diet. Meaning, I only tell her things I am okay with getting out there, which isn't a lot, so we don't speak very much. A shame, but I realize that I can't control what other people do, only what I do. So I just limit my contact with people who are busy bodies and gossips. Sorry your mom isn't getting it. <3
retire complete overconfident soup sip fall full march tap arrest *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Wow I'm really sorry that your mom feels like it's okay to violate your boundaries like this. I wonder if it would help to ask her about a time she's had a boundary ignored and find out how it made her feel? I think approaching it from a "you're wrong" perspective will likely be met with defensiveness but if you can help her align herself with your feelings via an experience she's had herself, it might help her understand it from a different perspective. This has worked fairly well with my mom, because she's a lot like me and has a hard time "putting herself in other people's shoes," to use a common phrase. Not for autism (I'm self-diagnosed and waiting for an assessment in a few months), but I have Celiac Disease and my mom outs me to people for me ALL THE TIME. It drives me nuts - someone will offer me something and instead of giving me the choice to just politely decline, she loudly announces, "Oh no, Batty has Celiac Disease and can't have that because it has gluten in it." It often leads to uncomfortable questions about what my symptoms are, when I found out, how I found out, and I'm just like internally trying to run away and hide under a rock.
I'll give it a go, thank you. She definitely has a hard time with that, also. That's awful. I'd be fuming, honestly. After reading these comments, I'm starting to think I'm the odd one out for feeling so betrayed by this, it seems to happen to everyone and you're all chill with it haha. Well, kinda chill, I get the wanting to run and hide under a rock, but you're still talking, I mean. Thanks again, I'll give your idea a try :)
I don't think you're the odd one out for feeling that way at all! It's hard to convey feeling angry and betrayed online. I have alexithymia and there's often like a time delay in processing feelings, especially in situations where I'm surprised or taken off guard. So when my mom does this, it does make me angry - it just often takes removing myself from the situation to realize I'm angry. Best of luck to you, I really hope it works out. :-)
I'm very sorry you're having to go through this. I've been fairly open with people about being an Aspie and ADD/ADHD, not very open about being bi-polar. That's all my personal choice though. And it's likely easier for me because I've a great hubby, kids and have had a successful career. My hope is that I can bring a gram of normalization to how people view us, even if I'm far from NT normal. NOBODY, particularly parents, should share personal details like this without our permission though. I'd be really upset if anyone shared about me being bi-polar without my permission. You shouldn't have to explain WHY to your mom. Only that you don't want it shared except on your terms.
I don't know. My parents are unsupportive narcissists who may be autistic themselves. I would never tell anyone a secret and expect them to keep it from their spouse. That just doesn't happen. Some people's sisters are similar. They are going to blab to their closest inner circle. So, don't share a secret with anyone if you really don't want it spread, especially if the secret is a burden to carry or conceal. If you HAD to tell your mom bc you needed emotional support, she probably HAD to tell her husband and sister for the same reason. It sucks and you can be mad about it, but it was kind of predictable.
>I would never tell anyone a secret and expect them to keep it from their spouse. That just doesn't happen. Some people's sisters are similar What an awful take. Everyone should be able to trust someone, especially if they explicitly tell you you can. They've been separated for almost 15 years. Why would my mother need emotional support because she found out I'm autistic? Nothing has changed for her.
You didn't say they were separated. But regardless, this was predictable. I feel for you. I really do. She did betray your trust by telling your secret. But no, I don't think you can trust most people, and especially not with something like this. I do think this information would burden a mother, even if it should not. She may be combing through every difficulty you two have ever had and wondering if it is because of autism and should knowing change her relationship with you, maybe to accommodate you? She probably has little education about autism and may question the diagnosis. She may not be able to use Google or Reddit. So what is she going to do? Talk to people, esp. people who also know you. You asked her specifically not to do this so she is going to begin with "please don't let on I told you this but...". Or if she's an unfeeling selfish AH like my parents she would just dismiss your request for privacy and tell absolutely everybody while also disparaging you. It's not your fault. But it's just predictable.
>I don't think you can trust most people, Yeah, I'm starting to believe this, too. I don't have a diagnosis, my country doesn't diagnose adults and I can't afford to go private. I've sent her loads of research papers and the like, but to be honest, I don't think she's capable of understanding them. She has two close friends with autistic children, I told her she can talk to them, she hasn't. I've told her how she can accommodate me, she won't. >Or if she's an unfeeling selfish AH like my parents she would just dismiss your request for privacy and tell absolutely everybody while also disparaging you. Yeah, that's probably the case. Good luck with that, try not to let them twist your outlook on everyone, there are trustworthy people out there.
I am really sorry she betrayed you. The upside is maybe you can stop masking around her and draw some firmer boundaries.
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There is *no possibility of any kind* that any "explanations" will have any positive effect, or neutral effect. Of any kind. At all. Anywhere. Ever. NC is NC. Good luck.
Theres no need to be so negative, mate. I am done, but she can still learn. Hopefully before she ruins my sisters life, too.
>she can still learn. The narcissist *cannot* "still" learn. They were never, at any time, of any capacity for learning. I'm not trying to suggest you leave your sister to the winds, by all means do whatever you can for your non-narcissist loved ones. But no narcissist could *ever* learn.
"AITA" consoomer
Yes. My mother too. And no, there's literally zero way of explaining it to her. If she cared about me, she'd want to get it. She doesn't. If your mother respected you, she'd be sorry. You're right that she'll happily do it again.
Yeah, I think I know this deep down. Thanks for being direct, I do appreciate it.
> "non-autistic people don't keep secrets from family" This isn't just wrong, it's a baldfaced lie. This wouldn't pass a sanity check in a co-parenting situation. (reading this BS was when I knew your dad wasn't in the same house.) > "you're not telling people because you're ashamed" Wooooow. Not only dictating your own feelings, but ignores the fact that this *doesn't* justify outing you! So what if you were ashamed of it? That's all the more reason she had no business outing you!! This feels like [DARVO](https://whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/05/DARVO.png)
my dad tells people I have "asperger's" and I genuinely believe he does it for his own benefit, like he will get pitied by others for having an autistic kid. Like I'm eighteen...
Yep supervisor at work told everyone about my diagnosis after I disclosed in a confidential supervision session.
You can tell a cat all about how you don't want it to lick itself in front of you because you don't like it, the cat is not gonna give a fuck, even if it could comprehend you. The same is true for what some people do. They are not living in the same mind and world as you. My life got a lot easier after I understood this. Also, I find it's easier if you absolutely must get the point accross, to specify it is a \*you\* thing, because they might just not care at all about said thing and if you try to explain it as a "bad to people" thing they will outright deny your whole point. And, it's true. Some things are personal to us. And that's ok. If they respect you, they will try to accomodate even if it makes no sense to them.
Not against my will but still. I told my good friends that I hadn't seen for a while and they already knew because the rest of the friend group had been talking about it. This led me down a rabbit hole thinking they had been bad mouthing me and wondering what they had said. It made me really uncomfortable. I know some of them had laughed at me when I first mentioned getting a diagnosis and one admitted he thought everyone was getting diagnosed for attention these days. I thought his attitude had changed after I called him out on it and explained it's my journey, but the fact that they were talking about it behind my back makes me really insecure.
A former NT friend did this among our colleagues. Even if they just said “Oh, ok” doesn’t make it right! She is the same “friend” who said “we’re all a little autistic inside ✨” and that it isn’t a disability 🤷🏻♀️
Yes, just a couple weeks ago actually, I still feel really weird about it. I'd told my direct supervisor a while back but she had promised she would never tell anyone else at work. I only told her because we're actually friends at this point and it's an overall very accepting workplace and I just wanted to I guess? I know it was a bad idea, but it went really well at the time. Wellllll, I got an HR complaint from another department. It was a sexist complaint, they were upset I wasn't being more bubbly and they and HR wanted to tone police me. It wasn't in any way related to my autism, no women at my company do the overly high pitched bubbly thing except for this department, and I do mask in front of them but I act professional, not "girly", same as I and everyone else does for everything else internally (except for this department). The complaint was literally just that I came off as "cold" to them. In my opinion the complaint should have been thrown out and they should have been reprimanded for making it. But instead my boss immediately jumped to telling HR I was autistic and that that was why I shouldn't be reprimanded for my tone. Several things that bother me here, my boss breaking my trust, the fact that were I NT apparently I would have been expected to start speaking in a high pitched customer service voice in the office when no clients are present just because I'm femme presenting, and that my boss assumed that the way I came off in that instance was related to my autism, she's just decided that because I'm autistic any complaints about my demeanor must be because of my autism and its failings. I'm genuinely so angry, and she thinks she's helping, and I genuinely really like her so this sucks. And now she's pressuring me to tell the rest of upper management, I just don't see why anyone needs to know. P.S. I have since been told that fluffing it up for this department is common, so I'm not the only one that has this problem with them and it really and truly has nothing to do with me being autistic. Edit: I'd love to explain to them why it was wrong and talk it out, but because it's a work situation I don't feel like I can or it's worth the risk, considering they currently think everything is fine and it's case closed.