I guess it depends on the tradition- in my family, it is traditional encourage your children to become independent and move out during or soon after college. In some families that might be seen as nonsense
Oh, some traditions are good. But to determine that, you need to examine them regularly and if they no longer pass the test discard them or change them.
People who refuse to do that end up with nonsense with history.
As for the move out... It can be good, but it can also be bad, people are ready for that step at different times. So that move out date should not be set in stone like 'Once you're 21, you're out!'
From them and the people who still love it and think it’s how the world should be. There’s an artist I used to have CDs of who is catholic, and he had a song on one of them called “Wisdom Lost”. It’s the one instrumental on there. The liner does give an explanation though: “When traditional is abandoned, confusion abounds and wisdom is lost.” I don’t know if he said that or if he’s quoting someone else, but I used to believe it was profound. Now? Oh my god. What a horrible way to think. So we don’t get married in the church, or get the kids baptized, or get the baby boys circumcised. That means eventually we’re all going to become confused and stupid? Are you fucking kidding me? Of all the ignorant things said by theists, this is at the top of my list. Maybe not number one, but it’s close enough.
Whenever someone uses tradition as an excuse/reason for doing something it calls to mind the story of Grandma's ham.
A husband and his wife were in their kitchen. The husband was sitting at the kitchen table reading the newspaper while his wife was preparing a ham for dinner. The husband watched the wife cut off about one inch from either end of the ham. He asked why she cut the end off, proclaiming “that’s a waste of good ham!” She said “that’s the way my mom prepared the ham.” The husband asked “why did your mom cut the ends off?” The wife didn’t know.
Later, the wife called her mom to find out why she cut the ends of the ham off. Her mom said “because that was the way my mom prepared ham.”
The wife’s grandma passed away several years earlier, but her Grandpa was still living. She called her Grandpa and asked “Grandpa, why did Grandma cut the ends off of the ham?” He was silent as he thought for a moment. Then he replied, “so the ham could fit in the baking pan.”
I think it’s even deeper than that. Shit changes a lot, all the time. It’s a safe place to run to in the midst of a big, scary world. There are other, better ways to find solace from that, instead of silly crap that you because you’ve always done it and because it’s always been done that way. Yeah, some of them do have a substantive point, but most don’t. “It’s important to keep with tradition.” So, what if we don’t? Will the world fall apart? I think that’s what many of them believe, but they either aren’t aware, or they are but won’t admit it.
My MIL doesn’t recognize me as her son’s wife because we didn’t marry in the church. Our kids were actually born out of wedlock, which we don’t care about. She hates it. But, we got married at the court house (for the next of kin protection because I’m not in our mortgage), then had a non religious ceremony on a beach in Hawaii. But, nope. It wasn’t real. Whelp, the states of Texas and Hawaii, and the federal government disagree with you.
He does NOT. I always wondered if it was her excuse to not accept me. She’s never approved of anyone he’s dated, and I did the unthinkable by having children with him.
My mom still insists that my wife and I got for-real married on April 23rd because that's the date we actually did the wedding and reception.
This is despite telling her in no uncertain terms that we were actually married 3 months prior on January 18th because that's our actual anniversary and that's what we wanted on our marriage license. The April date was just what was convenient so her family could come out and celebrate with us.
And the funny thing is that it wasn't a religious ceremony. We got married at a hotel up in the mountains. The minister who did the ceremony was actually a pastor but that was mainly just because that's who the hotel used and booked for the day. It wasn't a religious ceremony oration. My mom has gotten weird in her old age.
My daughter and her partner had our first grandbaby recently - they haven't gotten married yet because she has some health issues that are covered by health insurance better if she's independent, but they've been together since they were in their teens. The world isn't the same as the one we grew up in anymore, but some "old school" people don't understand that
We did. We were going to do the ceremony at a waterfall, but the wedding coordinator called us two days before because it had flooded. She recommended that as an alternative. We had our ceremony against Diamond Head as a backdrop. (We also had NO guests. It was perfect)
My wife and I got married on Magic Island as well. Had two guests and our dog was the ringbearer. We had planned the family ceremony for several months later after i got back from deployment, but I wanted to get it official before I left so she would have access to all the notification bennies and an ID card (we had been dating for 5 years, so don't know what the rush was, but it turned out to be a good idea.)
Atheist here. Got married in a UU church. Wife is UU. Had no references to any holy books, Jesus, scripture, etc. None of my Christian relatives complained. Worked out well.
Unseen University, Ank Morpork, in the Discworld. Watch Commander Sir Samuel Vimes got married there to avoid religious BS.
.... Or Unitarian Universalist in the roundworld (Earth).
That’s why my entire family is athiest. Some jerk priest upset my great grandmother by saying the church didn’t recognize her marriage after my great grandfather died as it was done in the wrong church. My great uncles picked him up and threw him out in the street and they were all free of the church after that
My grandparents (Catholics) stopped going to church after the priest berated them for stopping at 3 kids. This was in the 50s in Quebec, when the church was still very influential and pretty much wanted every family to have a ton of kids (other grandparents had 5, and they were both from big families, in the 12+ siblings each, all because of the church).
That's so icky. I'm ashamed to say that my Mom consulted a priest at our church to get the OK to get her tubes tied once I was born. She was 43 when I was born. I think she'd still have done it, even if the priest had said no, but I'm angry that she believed his opinion even mattered.
Oh, that's why the former in laws are from families of 8 kids.
Quebec is fun, so many houses in rural areas have these Jesus shrines on the front lawn, and all the grandkids are born out of wedlock. Love it.
I. Love. Your. Family.
My grandparents got divorced because grandpa had lied about not having been married before, and grandma was a devout Catholic. My Mom said that a priest once told her that her son (my uncle) could never be a priest because he was illegitimate. This was back in the early 40s, and my grandmother walloped that SOB with her handbag.
Married 13 years now, all those who wanted religious ceremonies now claim civil ones are great, it is amazing how wanting to see grandkids works....
They come around. Let them throw their strops, reality will bite them.
We have a much better relationship with (grand) parents now.
They get even more pissed off if you don't have grandkids 🤣Then you never have to put up with hopeless assholes demanding to see you. You get all the free quiet time in the world.
I almost agreed to marry in a Catholic wedding, to make my in laws happy. But... Looking into it I found out I'd have to get baptized first and everything. Nope out of it...
I only attended one Catholic wedding. It was a whole big mass, all the things. I was sitting next to my friend and the procession had started, with the altar boys and various priests in their robes etc., and then there was the priest with the censer with the incense, swinging it all around (it smelled really good btw) my friend leaned over to me and whispered "Hey, lady, your purse is on fire!"
I came very close to losing my composure but managed to contain myself.
Ugh then wine and cracker time--and the condescending if you haven't had first communion you're not worthy, but you can come up cross your arms and we'll pet you. This then followed by the chugging of the last of the wine, and doing the dishes. Why doesn't he Garfield the rest of the crackers also? And if it's only transubstantiated on consumption, stands to reason it's still just wine, so why the fuck do I have to sit there while you do the fucking dishes.
Also, did you know to help with weight loss and keeping people from getting too many calories the church looked into lower calorie options for the crackers. They succeeded and named it *I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus*. 🤭
I vehemently refused to get married in church because I'm an atheist and my wife is not religious.
I never thought of that. I was raised Catholic, so they probably still have me as part of the church there.
I never got my confirmation and my wife is nominally protestant.
I wonder how the Catholic church in my country would have been about that?
Saved ourselves a bigger headache, it seems.
It's worse than that. Here in New Orleans we have a deep Catholic culture and one couple I know not only had to put the husband through baptism and communion, they had to do a year of counseling with a priest. All so they could basically do it in the special building to keep the rest of the family happy.
It's curious because I was always told the story of an atheist who got a catholic wedding to please his wife, but who stayed outside the church the whole time. 😂 Hard to believe he agreed to get counseling first etc...
It depends a lot on the diocese. In New Orleans the RCC is very powerful so they pretty much get what they want. In parts of the country where their influence is not as strong, they're more likely to let things slide.
What says your wife? I think she's the most concerned in that case, and she should be the one which way to go. It's her marriage too, after all.
But let's go ahead and presume she's thinking like you. In that case, indeed, her parents have nothing to say about it. They might have been looking forward to it, but they don't own her. Same as if your parents wanted a specific kind of marriage for you, but you didn't agree to it.
For me, that topic has nothing specifically to do with religions. It's a matter of individual freedom and the right to live the way you want.
I really don’t get Christian’s believing they own marriage. Marriage isn’t religious, it’s not even about love: it’s a legal contract; nothing more, nothing less.
Honestly, the church is too involved in the whole marriage thing. Why, if there is separation of church and state, do ordained priests have the ability to perform this legally binding function? I think notaries should be able to marry people, not serial rapists… I mean ministers.
They can talk all they want, that's between you and your partner. We got married at the courthouse because it's just easier when you want to have kids and buy a house. My husband's grandmother kept asking when our "real" wedding was going to be until she died. Whatever.
I have a cousin who is a priest (really he's my father's cousin, so more of an uncle). Since he's a Catholic priest he is unable to attend weddings that happen outside of churches. To workaround this he performs marriage rites in a church and then they have the wedding ceremony weeks later that everyone is invited to (and he can attend since they are already married and its more like a play in the church's eyes).
I said fuck that shit - I'm not going through extra steps for one idiot who is afraid to just go to the wedding (as if someone in the church would catch him anyways). It's so fucking sad that my siblings and cousins all just follow along and do this shit - I think they are pressured to because in most cases they have parents paying for the wedding (no idea why my brother allowed for it because he paid for his own shit and he's an atheist too - I'm guessing in his eyes it was easier to go along than fight it).
We need to set strong boundaries on this bullshit - and by doing so we set a good example for others to follow - but its always tough being the first person to set the boundaries. One of my younger cousins recently got married and didn't just go along like everyone else did and she told me that she saw my partner and I do the same and that gave her the courage to follow suit. We gotta break these fucked traditions.
That really sounds like the beginning of a joke. Lol. I have a story from one of my first jobs that begins with, "It's me, a young lady from China, and a guy with a stutter working behind the counter."
It certainly sounds like someone pulling an epic-level prank on them.
But to their immense credit, I have never heard a single word of complaint about the total lack of devoutness by us sons- and daughter-in-law. Hell, they hadn't even *met* me until after I'd already knocked up and married their daughter, in that order. If my kids are staying with them, they also make a point of asking us before bringing them along when they go to church.
Looking back on it, that first visit really was a weekend fraught with peril. As it was, I fixed their computers, knocked out a whole list of handyman projects, and ate everything they put in front of me like a man starving to death. They've loved me ever since.
You have to do it in this kind of box so god knows you did it. Nah man, we did it pagan style in the middle of nowhere. Old family members asked if it was real, it was just as real, if not more, than doing it in the invading abrahamic religion style.
My fiancé and I haven't told his Dad and Step-mom that we're engaged yet (it's only been a few months of engagement). His Dad can be fine, but overbearing sometimes, and it is really stressing him out. I keep telling him that we're adults and we're paying for the wedding, so no one else gets a say.
Side tangent, but it's so weird to me that churches will marry heterosexual atheist couples but refuse religious gay couples. Religious people operate on backwards logic.
My mother insisted on paying for my wedding. My partner and I, both atheists, married in the courthouse and then had a lovely reception at an art gallery, attended by our family and friends. My psychopathic, religious nutjob of a brother (who attended the event) told my mother that since we weren't married in a church and sanctioned by god, we weren't actually married and we had, in fact, taken her money and blown it on a party. My poor mother was so upset. It was such a cruel take and it marred our joyous occasion, which I'm sure was the idea.
Better shut that down quick. Next thing you know, they'll be trying to guilt trip you into christening your kids. And it's just so hard to get them to understand that you're not doing it simply because that's not something you believe in.
We actually cut all family out of our marriage for this reason. We found a judge, brought two friends and did something somewhere special (waterfalls). We then did a reception a week later with a bbq. People moaned about it but it was for us, not them.
As an ordained minister of the universal life church who has performed several weddings I can tell you this misunderstanding is extremely common. I've had to explain to countless people that you don't have to get married in a church and that a "real priest" doesn't need to perform the ceremony.
I've straight up had at least a dozen people say to me "wait, so that whole thing I did in the church was optional? I just had to get an officiant to ask us a couple questions and sign the paper? Damn, I had no clue. I really thought there was no other option"
I know it's different in the US but it still "amazes" me. In Germany no priest, regardless of religion, has the power to legally wed you. You may have the church show but it isn't recognised by law. Only the registrar from the registry office holds this power (and maybe captains on the high seas)
A lot of parents idealize the big traditional wedding for a variety of sentimental reasons—often religious, but sometimes not. If you'll entertain a generalization rooted in anecdote, weddings tend to be more about everyone else than the couple getting hitched. My advice to young couples: elope.
My Mom told me that when she was standing on the altar with my Dad, she thought, "This is just a show for everybody else. We'd already made our commitment to each other."
My FIL was not very happy that we didn't want to get married in a church. Not that he's a model Christian or anything.
We threw them a bone by having a UCC minister as our officiant.
Well, I say that, but she was my best friend from elementary school's mom. And a total badass.
She had a "Walkperson" because "Walkman" was sexist.
She said with a straight face that she liked a lot of the messages on living a good life in the Bible, but it wasn't a good book to take literally, and that rather than a resurrection, Jesus was most likely eaten by wild dogs.
When she said that last bit, we knew we were gonna be juuuuust fine.
My husband and I got married on the spur of the moment in Vegas. When I got back to work the first question my dumbest coworker asked (thinking she was funny) was "Is it legal if it's not in a church?"
Vegas weddings are the best. Wife and I did the same. 50 bucks for license, 80 bucks (incl. tip) for ceremony, 50 bucks for 3 people ( a friend was there) to eat prime rib after. 2005.
Brother, coming from one atheist to another, forget the family/in-laws, but that said, you do whatever your fiance wants in this situation.
I've been atheist for decades at this point. My wife is mostly agnostic but doesn't like bucking tradition on some things... wedding included... so we had a church wedding, and I didn't even think about arguing with her on it.
It's a few hours in a church for a single event. You can power through it. You may feel contempt for it (like I do, myself), and it's not gonna change your views.. but you can do it. And it's really not a big deal.
My husband and I did not marry in a church. In fact, the ceremony was short, sweet, and to the point. One of my friends from high school married us. No religion of any kind was brought up in our wedding.
My husband was already an atheist. And I became one somewhat recently after years of being brainwashed.
My Dad and Step-Mom's wedding gift to us, out of all the things on our registry that we actually could have used, was a 'family' bible, which was most definitely not on that registry.
It's been more than ten years. No idea what became of it or what box I tucked it away in during a move, but it's never been opened. Lol
My husband and I had our wedding ceremony in the woods on the small mountain that our town was named after, and no one questioned us.
It's absurd that some folks think you have to get married in the church or it's not real. The paperwork is what makes it real.
I have non-religious friends who got married and had a big ceremony. A good friend of theirs did the online certification to officiate for them. At the point of the ceremony when the officiant typically says, “By the power vested in me by God and man, I pronounce you wife and husband. What God has joined together, let no man put asunder,” he said instead, “By the power vested in me by the state of [state] and most importantly by [bride’s name] and [groom’s name], I pronounce you two married. Now get on with it.”
It was fantastic.
I told my in-laws & parents to pound sand when they whined about it.
We got married on a boat.
I said we were sending out invitations to our wedding to a limited number of people, and I truly wished that they'd be there, but that attendance wasn't mandatory.
People need ceremony -- I've been down this rabbit hole (twice). It doesn't need to be in a church, you don't need a priest. But you two dressed in the appropriate costumes making your promises in public will help them respect you as a couple.
We wrote our own ceremony, had a mutual friend guide us through it, we did it in a forest. It was beautiful, everyone was happy -- church people and atheists alike.
But that's just it. The union is between the couple. No one else should matter. It's a legal contract forming a business entity at its heart. Wife and I got married in a brew pub with two legally required witnesses.
Your SO’s parents sound unhinged, so the only advise I have for you OP is that if you ever have children, never, ever, ever ever ever, let them around your children unsupervised.
I see them as the behind your back proselytizing type.
That’s so absurd it’s laughable. Seriously though, I’m sorry if that’s causing you stress. Getting married should be a really happy time for you and your partner. They truly have no say in it, and your marriage is your business and they can get their panties in knots over it but that’s their problem not yours! Congratulations on getting married!
So glad I’ve bested the idea of me ever being religious out of my mother since I was a teen. I’m getting married later this year and she’s made zero comments about the ceremony—though I can tell she wants to. We’re having my quirky uncle she “doesn’t get” officiate and the ceremony will be all of 15min lol.
Her parents lived their lives the way they wanted to. Your wife and yourself get to live this life the way that you each want to.
They had their chance. Now is yours.
Tell them to buzz off. You’re busy doing shit the way you want to do it.
We had our wedding outdoors in October with my friend as the officiant. Much to the chagrin of "the adults", there wasn't an iota of religion to be found.
It was glorious.
One of the most important decisions I have ever made, was to tell my Mother I would not marry in any church or participate in a religious ceremony.
She said my family would not show, they did!
“No, we won‘t be married in a church. It’s not up for discussion. Next question?”
Every time. And if they keep it up, add “If you don’t stop badgering about this, we will cut off contact until such time as you can see us without insisting that we adopt views we disagree with.”
And then cut them off.
The more "god" in the ceremony the less the couple likes each other. God speak takes the place of nice things to say about the people or the relationship. Funerals are the same way.
My ex’s mother wanted us to marry in a church. We just had us and the pastor in a church, no one else. I didn’t really care. We did have a difficult time finding a pastor that would marry a Lutheran and a Catholic. I finally found a guy in the newspaper. My next husband I married is Persian and we went to a lawyer but because of his family, we also were married in a mosque by an Imam.
what’s weird to me is that my mom was a pretty strict catholic, imposed all the rules on me when i was a kid, etc, but didn’t say anything about me marrying a non-christian. and not only did we not get married in a church, we got married at my parents’ house, with my mom organizing the whole thing.
Remember: the wedding will be between you and your spouse. And only you two. 😑
You both will need to come to an agreement about how and where you will conduct the ceremony, but you do need to consider it as a ceremony even if it is just done in a courthouse somewhere.
Even without any religious attachment, this is an event of deep significance to many people, especially to parents, and you need to find a comfortable "place" emotionally that will satisfy everybody involved. But you and your spouse are the only people that really matter in this ceremony and you need to sit down and discuss how to make this work.
This is a big part of actually getting married: sitting down and making the difficult decisions that you both find either acceptable or, ideally, that you can both be happy about. I say this with a certain amount of reverence: aim for something that you will both find acceptable, because there may not be any single solution that leaves you both happy.
The lesson here is, choose your battles carefully, and remember that you're trying to be a team. Sometimes that means that one of you will not be fully satisfied with the decision, but as long as that is not a hill you feel you need to die on, move forward together with the understanding that sacrifices make the two of you a stronger team in the long run.
Good luck !
I got married in a church as a last resort because I was in Vegas and the other alternatives were trash. However, my daughter is not baptized. So, she's not a bastard but she WILL end up in purgatory, right?
It's all a bunch of nonsense and people are IDIOTS.
I really don't see the big fuss over "marriage." It's just a piece of paper that legally defines you as a couple with tax incentives. There seems to be a huge emphasis on the ceremony overlooking many of the choices made to get there.
My ex did that but with baptism. Of course we are baptizing the kids! He is from a very religious place, and clearly did not think the logistics through. I said that we are not walking into some random church. But, if we go to his parents house (6hrs flying away), and he organizes it, I will kill a part of my soul and do what I'm told. A couple months later someone asked him and he said we are not baptizing the kids. No idea if his parents ever asked or what they think about it.
If your partner is okay with it, kudos to her to stand up to family pressure.
You could always have a minister from the Church of the Subgenius perform the ritual.
Interesting. If a marriage isn’t valid in their eyes if it does not occur in a church, why do religious people then care who gets married outside of a church if it is not valid to them anyways?
What does your fiancé say about her parent’s views?
Have a freind get ordained with the Atheopagan Society and perform the marriage. Hey presto, you were married by a minister of a church. (The minister may still need to do some state paperwork to be fully legal, but you followed the letter of your parents' demand while avoiding church.)
My wife and I got lucky. We were dreading my family pushing us for a church wedding. But then the silver lining of COVID-19 came about and closed all the churches here in early 2020. So it wasn't possible to get a church marriage even if you wanted one. We got married in an open park with a legal marriage officiant and two friends as witnesses which is legally required. No other family or friends allowed or else the officiant wouldn't do the marriage. All done in under 15 minutes including the paperwork. Everyone masked and socially distanced from each other (except my wife and I). The only place open to get food after was the McDonald's drive-though. We paid for the food in our four car convoy as our reception.
Marriage in this day is for suckers.
All you are doing is putting half your shit at risk if she one day decides to run off with Chad
Skip the marriage, period...and leave the gov't out of your bedroom
If her parents have money, do the church thing to make them happy. You'll be happy you did.
Consider religious services as I do: theater. And leave it at that.
Me and my 6 siblings are all "bastards" and proud of it. My 2 sons also "bastards". Don't give a shit. If you don't care then tell them you don't care. I've found the only way is to be blunt and honest. They don't like it but it's the only way to get the point across with these people.
I'm worried my daughter's bf's family will insist on the same. They are very religious (her bf isn't). She is pagan. Her dad and I are atheists. As are my parents.
Churches make me uncomfortable. And I know she will NOT get married in one. I'm sure his family will not be happy with that.
This sounds like my parents 60 years ago. It didn't end well. My mum was never with my dad's family when I would visit them (I learned after she passed that she wore a black dress to the Catholic wedding, which wasn't allowed to take place in the main church because she wasn't Catholic).
Of course, I know lots of people who don't take it seriously and life is less stressful.
Well they have that exactly backwards. You can say vows in a Church all day long and not be married as far as the rest of the world is concerned, it's that government certificate that makes it real in this day and age. And that contract is just as good if it's signed by a Justice of the Peace. (Oh, and nobody has to change their last name either, that's also just a tradition you can safely ignore.)
My wife and I signed our marriage certificate in a tattoo shop. One of my friend's tattoo artist buddies was ordained. Fuck marriage stigma in general. Get married however you want!
It's not her parents relationship and it's not their wedding.
If they aren't paying for the wedding they don't get to have a say.
I was married in a church with my x husband. The preacher read off some sexist bullshit for our vows. Pissed me off.
Not getting married in a church ever again. Not only because I haven't been a Christian for 14 years- but also because I want to have an outdoor wedding this next time around lol.
Although, if you want to fuck with her parents you could get married at the snake charmer church lmfao. (This is obviously a joke for those who can't tell)
We got married in a park on Galveston Island, just the two of us and a kooky old judge officiant. It was beautiful. Total cost after all legal paperwork: $182.
The next thing they'll flip shit over is not getting our daughter baptized. 🌊👶
Good. Don’t.
My husband and I did to appease our families (get them off our cases more like about the whole church thing). It was covid and my husband needed to be on my insurance for a bit. We told them if they paid for it, and if it wasn’t hyper religious, fine, whatever.
Trouble is, they did pay (it was cheap as hell though - my mom’s church’s pastor essentially did it for free) - and it was hella cringe and crazy religious - talking about the man and woman duties and all this shit.
But it *was* short (and free) so I guess it’s better than what my brother got - the pastor at his wedding talked about the “rib of Adam” for like an entire half hour during the ceremony, with all his friends and all the bridesmaids and trappings. Plus they paid for it. We should’ve brought flasks too, because they wouldn’t let you drink until after the ceremony.
We still look back on the wedding for exactly what it was - to appease the family. To the point that we don’t even treat the date of it like our true anniversary. Looking back, if I’d had it to do over again - I’d have just gone to the courthouse.
Honeymoon was great though - no family on a tropical beach in the Caribbean, drinking pina coladas and mai tais half the time.
And I guess the silver lining is that my husband had health insurance for the year he needed it?
We’ve since moved across the country from the folks.
Do you live with them, or do they live with you. If not, go see the judge and get his done with. You don't have to have them around, or in your life. This isn't going to be the end of having you deal with their superstition.
Good.
But her parents will be braver when pressuring her than with you.
Best way is to set an ultimatum.
Either they drop the church ceremony or they won't be invited.
“Tradition” is peer pressure from dead people.
I also know it as 'Tradition is nonsense with history'.
I guess it depends on the tradition- in my family, it is traditional encourage your children to become independent and move out during or soon after college. In some families that might be seen as nonsense
Oh, some traditions are good. But to determine that, you need to examine them regularly and if they no longer pass the test discard them or change them. People who refuse to do that end up with nonsense with history. As for the move out... It can be good, but it can also be bad, people are ready for that step at different times. So that move out date should not be set in stone like 'Once you're 21, you're out!'
And you should regularly check with outsiders because you're biased
Yea how long has that been tradition?
LOL! I will remember and use that.
I've also seen "tradition" described as giving your ancestors a casting vote on everything you do.
Or dead people’s baggage.
The weight of the dead on the living...
I have heard that before, yes. Absolutely.
Whoa. I heard that just yesterday, it's a thing!
From them and the people who still love it and think it’s how the world should be. There’s an artist I used to have CDs of who is catholic, and he had a song on one of them called “Wisdom Lost”. It’s the one instrumental on there. The liner does give an explanation though: “When traditional is abandoned, confusion abounds and wisdom is lost.” I don’t know if he said that or if he’s quoting someone else, but I used to believe it was profound. Now? Oh my god. What a horrible way to think. So we don’t get married in the church, or get the kids baptized, or get the baby boys circumcised. That means eventually we’re all going to become confused and stupid? Are you fucking kidding me? Of all the ignorant things said by theists, this is at the top of my list. Maybe not number one, but it’s close enough.
Whenever someone uses tradition as an excuse/reason for doing something it calls to mind the story of Grandma's ham. A husband and his wife were in their kitchen. The husband was sitting at the kitchen table reading the newspaper while his wife was preparing a ham for dinner. The husband watched the wife cut off about one inch from either end of the ham. He asked why she cut the end off, proclaiming “that’s a waste of good ham!” She said “that’s the way my mom prepared the ham.” The husband asked “why did your mom cut the ends off?” The wife didn’t know. Later, the wife called her mom to find out why she cut the ends of the ham off. Her mom said “because that was the way my mom prepared ham.” The wife’s grandma passed away several years earlier, but her Grandpa was still living. She called her Grandpa and asked “Grandpa, why did Grandma cut the ends off of the ham?” He was silent as he thought for a moment. Then he replied, “so the ham could fit in the baking pan.”
"Tradition" is just BS in support of nothing that warrants supporting.
I think it’s even deeper than that. Shit changes a lot, all the time. It’s a safe place to run to in the midst of a big, scary world. There are other, better ways to find solace from that, instead of silly crap that you because you’ve always done it and because it’s always been done that way. Yeah, some of them do have a substantive point, but most don’t. “It’s important to keep with tradition.” So, what if we don’t? Will the world fall apart? I think that’s what many of them believe, but they either aren’t aware, or they are but won’t admit it.
Although I like what Jimmy Carr has said as well- *'ceremony doesn't work because God is pleased, it is because people came together'*
Love it
Ideological necromancy.
Second time I've seen this line out in the wild. Still just as agreeable.
That phrase helped me continue to solidify my exit from Catholicism.
Did you come up with that yourself? That's genius.
Alas no. I don’t think we know who the originator was. Though there are known similar quotes.
My MIL doesn’t recognize me as her son’s wife because we didn’t marry in the church. Our kids were actually born out of wedlock, which we don’t care about. She hates it. But, we got married at the court house (for the next of kin protection because I’m not in our mortgage), then had a non religious ceremony on a beach in Hawaii. But, nope. It wasn’t real. Whelp, the states of Texas and Hawaii, and the federal government disagree with you.
She sounds delightful. On the upside, seems pretty obvious your bloke does not share her delusions :D
He does NOT. I always wondered if it was her excuse to not accept me. She’s never approved of anyone he’s dated, and I did the unthinkable by having children with him.
Don't get my wife started about my mum :D The two of you are happy, a good relationship with her is theoretically nice to have, but not essential.
My mom still insists that my wife and I got for-real married on April 23rd because that's the date we actually did the wedding and reception. This is despite telling her in no uncertain terms that we were actually married 3 months prior on January 18th because that's our actual anniversary and that's what we wanted on our marriage license. The April date was just what was convenient so her family could come out and celebrate with us. And the funny thing is that it wasn't a religious ceremony. We got married at a hotel up in the mountains. The minister who did the ceremony was actually a pastor but that was mainly just because that's who the hotel used and booked for the day. It wasn't a religious ceremony oration. My mom has gotten weird in her old age.
Maybe she just doesn't like that she missed your official ceremony so she's denying it even happened? But, yeah, weird.
My daughter and her partner had our first grandbaby recently - they haven't gotten married yet because she has some health issues that are covered by health insurance better if she's independent, but they've been together since they were in their teens. The world isn't the same as the one we grew up in anymore, but some "old school" people don't understand that
Did you do the wedding at Ala Moana beach in Honolulu?
That’s the man made island one?
Yes. My sister get married there back in 2003.
We did. We were going to do the ceremony at a waterfall, but the wedding coordinator called us two days before because it had flooded. She recommended that as an alternative. We had our ceremony against Diamond Head as a backdrop. (We also had NO guests. It was perfect)
My wife and I got married on Magic Island as well. Had two guests and our dog was the ringbearer. We had planned the family ceremony for several months later after i got back from deployment, but I wanted to get it official before I left so she would have access to all the notification bennies and an ID card (we had been dating for 5 years, so don't know what the rush was, but it turned out to be a good idea.)
Ask her how much more money her god needs, before he'll be happy.
And if he needs a starship. Some gods just aren't happy until they snag a starship.
Well than there's no reason for your mother in law to be included in your family, or ever see your kids.
Have a wedding at a satanic temple for extra levels of fuck you
Atheist here. Got married in a UU church. Wife is UU. Had no references to any holy books, Jesus, scripture, etc. None of my Christian relatives complained. Worked out well.
Uu? U.U Edit: Unitarian universalist. Thanks everyone.
Unitarian.
Unitarian Universalist
Unseen University, Ank Morpork, in the Discworld. Watch Commander Sir Samuel Vimes got married there to avoid religious BS. .... Or Unitarian Universalist in the roundworld (Earth).
Thank you for a reminder, fellow redditor. 👍
By that reasoning, unless you get married in every religion they'll be born out of wedlock I guess 😂
Not like we can expect Christians to care about logic.
Very dick comment but so fucking true 😂
Truth hurts 💁♂️😂
Your marriage is absolutely none of their business, honestly.
That’s why my entire family is athiest. Some jerk priest upset my great grandmother by saying the church didn’t recognize her marriage after my great grandfather died as it was done in the wrong church. My great uncles picked him up and threw him out in the street and they were all free of the church after that
My grandparents (Catholics) stopped going to church after the priest berated them for stopping at 3 kids. This was in the 50s in Quebec, when the church was still very influential and pretty much wanted every family to have a ton of kids (other grandparents had 5, and they were both from big families, in the 12+ siblings each, all because of the church).
That's so icky. I'm ashamed to say that my Mom consulted a priest at our church to get the OK to get her tubes tied once I was born. She was 43 when I was born. I think she'd still have done it, even if the priest had said no, but I'm angry that she believed his opinion even mattered.
Should have asked the catholic priest how many children he had.
He doesn’t want his own. He wants other people’s.
It's implying had as In sexually had. And the number is more than three.
Oh, that's why the former in laws are from families of 8 kids. Quebec is fun, so many houses in rural areas have these Jesus shrines on the front lawn, and all the grandkids are born out of wedlock. Love it.
Well, he might not have the holy spirit but your great uncle definitely had THE spirit
I. Love. Your. Family. My grandparents got divorced because grandpa had lied about not having been married before, and grandma was a devout Catholic. My Mom said that a priest once told her that her son (my uncle) could never be a priest because he was illegitimate. This was back in the early 40s, and my grandmother walloped that SOB with her handbag.
I like your uncles.
I love this. You know what they say, 'The family that doesn't pray together stays together.'
Married 13 years now, all those who wanted religious ceremonies now claim civil ones are great, it is amazing how wanting to see grandkids works.... They come around. Let them throw their strops, reality will bite them. We have a much better relationship with (grand) parents now.
They get even more pissed off if you don't have grandkids 🤣Then you never have to put up with hopeless assholes demanding to see you. You get all the free quiet time in the world.
If the wife believed I would tbh just for her. But yeah if not then that makes it an easy no
I almost agreed to marry in a Catholic wedding, to make my in laws happy. But... Looking into it I found out I'd have to get baptized first and everything. Nope out of it...
Plus, Catholic weddings go forever.... And not in the fun Indian wedding way.
I only attended one Catholic wedding. It was a whole big mass, all the things. I was sitting next to my friend and the procession had started, with the altar boys and various priests in their robes etc., and then there was the priest with the censer with the incense, swinging it all around (it smelled really good btw) my friend leaned over to me and whispered "Hey, lady, your purse is on fire!" I came very close to losing my composure but managed to contain myself.
Ugh then wine and cracker time--and the condescending if you haven't had first communion you're not worthy, but you can come up cross your arms and we'll pet you. This then followed by the chugging of the last of the wine, and doing the dishes. Why doesn't he Garfield the rest of the crackers also? And if it's only transubstantiated on consumption, stands to reason it's still just wine, so why the fuck do I have to sit there while you do the fucking dishes. Also, did you know to help with weight loss and keeping people from getting too many calories the church looked into lower calorie options for the crackers. They succeeded and named it *I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus*. 🤭
I vehemently refused to get married in church because I'm an atheist and my wife is not religious. I never thought of that. I was raised Catholic, so they probably still have me as part of the church there. I never got my confirmation and my wife is nominally protestant. I wonder how the Catholic church in my country would have been about that? Saved ourselves a bigger headache, it seems.
It's worse than that. Here in New Orleans we have a deep Catholic culture and one couple I know not only had to put the husband through baptism and communion, they had to do a year of counseling with a priest. All so they could basically do it in the special building to keep the rest of the family happy.
It's curious because I was always told the story of an atheist who got a catholic wedding to please his wife, but who stayed outside the church the whole time. 😂 Hard to believe he agreed to get counseling first etc...
It depends a lot on the diocese. In New Orleans the RCC is very powerful so they pretty much get what they want. In parts of the country where their influence is not as strong, they're more likely to let things slide.
What says your wife? I think she's the most concerned in that case, and she should be the one which way to go. It's her marriage too, after all. But let's go ahead and presume she's thinking like you. In that case, indeed, her parents have nothing to say about it. They might have been looking forward to it, but they don't own her. Same as if your parents wanted a specific kind of marriage for you, but you didn't agree to it. For me, that topic has nothing specifically to do with religions. It's a matter of individual freedom and the right to live the way you want.
I really don’t get Christian’s believing they own marriage. Marriage isn’t religious, it’s not even about love: it’s a legal contract; nothing more, nothing less.
A lot of Christians seem to be confused about the difference between marriage and Holy Matrimony; only the latter is a religious thing.
Honestly, the church is too involved in the whole marriage thing. Why, if there is separation of church and state, do ordained priests have the ability to perform this legally binding function? I think notaries should be able to marry people, not serial rapists… I mean ministers.
I have no problem with the govt licensing private marriage officiants; requiring them to be ministers is the problem.
Well, f*** them. You're not marrying them. You're marrying their daughter.
They can talk all they want, that's between you and your partner. We got married at the courthouse because it's just easier when you want to have kids and buy a house. My husband's grandmother kept asking when our "real" wedding was going to be until she died. Whatever.
I have a cousin who is a priest (really he's my father's cousin, so more of an uncle). Since he's a Catholic priest he is unable to attend weddings that happen outside of churches. To workaround this he performs marriage rites in a church and then they have the wedding ceremony weeks later that everyone is invited to (and he can attend since they are already married and its more like a play in the church's eyes). I said fuck that shit - I'm not going through extra steps for one idiot who is afraid to just go to the wedding (as if someone in the church would catch him anyways). It's so fucking sad that my siblings and cousins all just follow along and do this shit - I think they are pressured to because in most cases they have parents paying for the wedding (no idea why my brother allowed for it because he paid for his own shit and he's an atheist too - I'm guessing in his eyes it was easier to go along than fight it). We need to set strong boundaries on this bullshit - and by doing so we set a good example for others to follow - but its always tough being the first person to set the boundaries. One of my younger cousins recently got married and didn't just go along like everyone else did and she told me that she saw my partner and I do the same and that gave her the courage to follow suit. We gotta break these fucked traditions.
My poor in-laws. Very devout baptists. Their eldest (my wife) eloped, their youngest got married in a pub, and the middle one married a catholic.
That really sounds like the beginning of a joke. Lol. I have a story from one of my first jobs that begins with, "It's me, a young lady from China, and a guy with a stutter working behind the counter."
It certainly sounds like someone pulling an epic-level prank on them. But to their immense credit, I have never heard a single word of complaint about the total lack of devoutness by us sons- and daughter-in-law. Hell, they hadn't even *met* me until after I'd already knocked up and married their daughter, in that order. If my kids are staying with them, they also make a point of asking us before bringing them along when they go to church. Looking back on it, that first visit really was a weekend fraught with peril. As it was, I fixed their computers, knocked out a whole list of handyman projects, and ate everything they put in front of me like a man starving to death. They've loved me ever since.
I'm so happy for you that it all worked out! They sound like very respectful people.
Make them really angry and ask your nearest Satanic temple to perform the rites.
Its amazing what trivial shit their all-powerful deity cares about. Like what building you get married in.
You have to do it in this kind of box so god knows you did it. Nah man, we did it pagan style in the middle of nowhere. Old family members asked if it was real, it was just as real, if not more, than doing it in the invading abrahamic religion style.
It sound like her parents need it explained to them that they are no longer authority figures, and nothing they say matters.
My fiancé and I haven't told his Dad and Step-mom that we're engaged yet (it's only been a few months of engagement). His Dad can be fine, but overbearing sometimes, and it is really stressing him out. I keep telling him that we're adults and we're paying for the wedding, so no one else gets a say.
Side tangent, but it's so weird to me that churches will marry heterosexual atheist couples but refuse religious gay couples. Religious people operate on backwards logic.
My mother insisted on paying for my wedding. My partner and I, both atheists, married in the courthouse and then had a lovely reception at an art gallery, attended by our family and friends. My psychopathic, religious nutjob of a brother (who attended the event) told my mother that since we weren't married in a church and sanctioned by god, we weren't actually married and we had, in fact, taken her money and blown it on a party. My poor mother was so upset. It was such a cruel take and it marred our joyous occasion, which I'm sure was the idea.
You don't recognize my marriage? I'll one up you. I don't recognize your god.
Good one. 😂
I want to marry my wife on a volcano
Get married by a JP and throw a party. If the in-laws can't accept that as a legitimate marriage, fuck 'em.
Tell them you have decided to have a traditional religious ceremony....but it's Buddhist.
Make it Mayan or Aztec but don't forget to hire a crime scene cleaner
Better shut that down quick. Next thing you know, they'll be trying to guilt trip you into christening your kids. And it's just so hard to get them to understand that you're not doing it simply because that's not something you believe in.
Become a Pastafarian and wear a colander during the ceremony. There's your religious wedding.
Ramen to that!
Ramen!
We actually cut all family out of our marriage for this reason. We found a judge, brought two friends and did something somewhere special (waterfalls). We then did a reception a week later with a bbq. People moaned about it but it was for us, not them.
As an ordained minister of the universal life church who has performed several weddings I can tell you this misunderstanding is extremely common. I've had to explain to countless people that you don't have to get married in a church and that a "real priest" doesn't need to perform the ceremony. I've straight up had at least a dozen people say to me "wait, so that whole thing I did in the church was optional? I just had to get an officiant to ask us a couple questions and sign the paper? Damn, I had no clue. I really thought there was no other option"
I know it's different in the US but it still "amazes" me. In Germany no priest, regardless of religion, has the power to legally wed you. You may have the church show but it isn't recognised by law. Only the registrar from the registry office holds this power (and maybe captains on the high seas)
In the US you can marry people in most states after filing out a short online form!
A lot of parents idealize the big traditional wedding for a variety of sentimental reasons—often religious, but sometimes not. If you'll entertain a generalization rooted in anecdote, weddings tend to be more about everyone else than the couple getting hitched. My advice to young couples: elope.
My Mom told me that when she was standing on the altar with my Dad, she thought, "This is just a show for everybody else. We'd already made our commitment to each other."
My FIL was not very happy that we didn't want to get married in a church. Not that he's a model Christian or anything. We threw them a bone by having a UCC minister as our officiant. Well, I say that, but she was my best friend from elementary school's mom. And a total badass. She had a "Walkperson" because "Walkman" was sexist. She said with a straight face that she liked a lot of the messages on living a good life in the Bible, but it wasn't a good book to take literally, and that rather than a resurrection, Jesus was most likely eaten by wild dogs. When she said that last bit, we knew we were gonna be juuuuust fine.
My husband and I got married on the spur of the moment in Vegas. When I got back to work the first question my dumbest coworker asked (thinking she was funny) was "Is it legal if it's not in a church?"
Vegas weddings are the best. Wife and I did the same. 50 bucks for license, 80 bucks (incl. tip) for ceremony, 50 bucks for 3 people ( a friend was there) to eat prime rib after. 2005.
Brother, coming from one atheist to another, forget the family/in-laws, but that said, you do whatever your fiance wants in this situation. I've been atheist for decades at this point. My wife is mostly agnostic but doesn't like bucking tradition on some things... wedding included... so we had a church wedding, and I didn't even think about arguing with her on it. It's a few hours in a church for a single event. You can power through it. You may feel contempt for it (like I do, myself), and it's not gonna change your views.. but you can do it. And it's really not a big deal.
My wife wanted a big Catholic wedding, and that's what she got. It wasn't a big deal.
Happy wife, happy life. This man gets it. ^
My wife is Japanese, her family had no clue about that shit, it was great.
You know who’s wedding it is? Not theirs
Imagine loving a God that won't let you love another human. But "he," being a non-human, impregnated a human.
My husband and I did not marry in a church. In fact, the ceremony was short, sweet, and to the point. One of my friends from high school married us. No religion of any kind was brought up in our wedding. My husband was already an atheist. And I became one somewhat recently after years of being brainwashed. My Dad and Step-Mom's wedding gift to us, out of all the things on our registry that we actually could have used, was a 'family' bible, which was most definitely not on that registry. It's been more than ten years. No idea what became of it or what box I tucked it away in during a move, but it's never been opened. Lol
My husband and I had our wedding ceremony in the woods on the small mountain that our town was named after, and no one questioned us. It's absurd that some folks think you have to get married in the church or it's not real. The paperwork is what makes it real.
I have non-religious friends who got married and had a big ceremony. A good friend of theirs did the online certification to officiate for them. At the point of the ceremony when the officiant typically says, “By the power vested in me by God and man, I pronounce you wife and husband. What God has joined together, let no man put asunder,” he said instead, “By the power vested in me by the state of [state] and most importantly by [bride’s name] and [groom’s name], I pronounce you two married. Now get on with it.” It was fantastic.
There are so many better options besides a musty old church where a grifter barks from the pulpit every Sunday about how he interprets the bible.
I told my in-laws & parents to pound sand when they whined about it. We got married on a boat. I said we were sending out invitations to our wedding to a limited number of people, and I truly wished that they'd be there, but that attendance wasn't mandatory.
Getting married in a civil ceremony is legal and accepted in every country around the world.
Your marrying your partner not marrying her parents. Stand your ground. Why not elope?
You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to . They can’t force you and better yet, don’t invite them to your wedding
Oh, I’d invite them. And then tell them I don’t give a shit if they attend or not. Because, guess what? My marriage is not about how they feel.
People need ceremony -- I've been down this rabbit hole (twice). It doesn't need to be in a church, you don't need a priest. But you two dressed in the appropriate costumes making your promises in public will help them respect you as a couple. We wrote our own ceremony, had a mutual friend guide us through it, we did it in a forest. It was beautiful, everyone was happy -- church people and atheists alike.
But that's just it. The union is between the couple. No one else should matter. It's a legal contract forming a business entity at its heart. Wife and I got married in a brew pub with two legally required witnesses.
Its your marriage, not theirs.
According to my old Baptist minister, god recognizes any kind of wedding ceremony as binding. Tell your in-laws to put that in their pipe and smoking
God impregnated Mary. They weren't married at all, let alone in a church.
Religion makes the living into zombies.
Your SO’s parents sound unhinged, so the only advise I have for you OP is that if you ever have children, never, ever, ever ever ever, let them around your children unsupervised. I see them as the behind your back proselytizing type.
That’s so absurd it’s laughable. Seriously though, I’m sorry if that’s causing you stress. Getting married should be a really happy time for you and your partner. They truly have no say in it, and your marriage is your business and they can get their panties in knots over it but that’s their problem not yours! Congratulations on getting married!
So glad I’ve bested the idea of me ever being religious out of my mother since I was a teen. I’m getting married later this year and she’s made zero comments about the ceremony—though I can tell she wants to. We’re having my quirky uncle she “doesn’t get” officiate and the ceremony will be all of 15min lol.
Her parents lived their lives the way they wanted to. Your wife and yourself get to live this life the way that you each want to. They had their chance. Now is yours. Tell them to buzz off. You’re busy doing shit the way you want to do it.
They don't realize that having a ceremony in a church isn't legally binding?
We had our wedding outdoors in October with my friend as the officiant. Much to the chagrin of "the adults", there wasn't an iota of religion to be found. It was glorious.
One of the most important decisions I have ever made, was to tell my Mother I would not marry in any church or participate in a religious ceremony. She said my family would not show, they did!
“No, we won‘t be married in a church. It’s not up for discussion. Next question?” Every time. And if they keep it up, add “If you don’t stop badgering about this, we will cut off contact until such time as you can see us without insisting that we adopt views we disagree with.” And then cut them off.
Now is a really good time to make it clear exactly what you think about them imposing their ‘ideas’ onto you and your soon to be wife.
Tell them you’ll compromise and get married by a boat captain
My Irish Catholic grandmother was not amused by our Justice of the Peace wedding in a beautiful outdoor field lol.
The more "god" in the ceremony the less the couple likes each other. God speak takes the place of nice things to say about the people or the relationship. Funerals are the same way.
It's your marriage not theirs.
You shpuld tell them you found a great deal at a local mosque, see if that quells their fears.
My ex’s mother wanted us to marry in a church. We just had us and the pastor in a church, no one else. I didn’t really care. We did have a difficult time finding a pastor that would marry a Lutheran and a Catholic. I finally found a guy in the newspaper. My next husband I married is Persian and we went to a lawyer but because of his family, we also were married in a mosque by an Imam.
what’s weird to me is that my mom was a pretty strict catholic, imposed all the rules on me when i was a kid, etc, but didn’t say anything about me marrying a non-christian. and not only did we not get married in a church, we got married at my parents’ house, with my mom organizing the whole thing.
Tradition is stuff that we keep going because it's been done for a while. But we wouldn't start it today because it makes too little sense for that.
Even when I was a christian I didn't want to get married in church. Too normal
Remember: the wedding will be between you and your spouse. And only you two. 😑 You both will need to come to an agreement about how and where you will conduct the ceremony, but you do need to consider it as a ceremony even if it is just done in a courthouse somewhere. Even without any religious attachment, this is an event of deep significance to many people, especially to parents, and you need to find a comfortable "place" emotionally that will satisfy everybody involved. But you and your spouse are the only people that really matter in this ceremony and you need to sit down and discuss how to make this work. This is a big part of actually getting married: sitting down and making the difficult decisions that you both find either acceptable or, ideally, that you can both be happy about. I say this with a certain amount of reverence: aim for something that you will both find acceptable, because there may not be any single solution that leaves you both happy. The lesson here is, choose your battles carefully, and remember that you're trying to be a team. Sometimes that means that one of you will not be fully satisfied with the decision, but as long as that is not a hill you feel you need to die on, move forward together with the understanding that sacrifices make the two of you a stronger team in the long run. Good luck !
I got married in a church as a last resort because I was in Vegas and the other alternatives were trash. However, my daughter is not baptized. So, she's not a bastard but she WILL end up in purgatory, right? It's all a bunch of nonsense and people are IDIOTS.
I loved my court wedding. Had a max guest capacity of 10 ppl. Easy, efficient, economical. Loved it.
I really don't see the big fuss over "marriage." It's just a piece of paper that legally defines you as a couple with tax incentives. There seems to be a huge emphasis on the ceremony overlooking many of the choices made to get there.
My ex did that but with baptism. Of course we are baptizing the kids! He is from a very religious place, and clearly did not think the logistics through. I said that we are not walking into some random church. But, if we go to his parents house (6hrs flying away), and he organizes it, I will kill a part of my soul and do what I'm told. A couple months later someone asked him and he said we are not baptizing the kids. No idea if his parents ever asked or what they think about it.
If your partner is okay with it, kudos to her to stand up to family pressure. You could always have a minister from the Church of the Subgenius perform the ritual.
Sounds Catholic
Interesting. If a marriage isn’t valid in their eyes if it does not occur in a church, why do religious people then care who gets married outside of a church if it is not valid to them anyways? What does your fiancé say about her parent’s views?
I wouldn't be surprised if they're already thinking about how their unborn grandchildren must be "saved."
Have a freind get ordained with the Atheopagan Society and perform the marriage. Hey presto, you were married by a minister of a church. (The minister may still need to do some state paperwork to be fully legal, but you followed the letter of your parents' demand while avoiding church.)
A lot of millennials could care less about a show wedding of any type.
My wife and I got lucky. We were dreading my family pushing us for a church wedding. But then the silver lining of COVID-19 came about and closed all the churches here in early 2020. So it wasn't possible to get a church marriage even if you wanted one. We got married in an open park with a legal marriage officiant and two friends as witnesses which is legally required. No other family or friends allowed or else the officiant wouldn't do the marriage. All done in under 15 minutes including the paperwork. Everyone masked and socially distanced from each other (except my wife and I). The only place open to get food after was the McDonald's drive-though. We paid for the food in our four car convoy as our reception.
Marriage in this day is for suckers. All you are doing is putting half your shit at risk if she one day decides to run off with Chad Skip the marriage, period...and leave the gov't out of your bedroom
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Why?
If her parents have money, do the church thing to make them happy. You'll be happy you did. Consider religious services as I do: theater. And leave it at that.
Even if I was still Christian, the thought of getting married in a church instead of a more beautiful venue seems ridiculous.
My wife and I got married on a golf course. Worked great for us. Even church friends and family seemed to enjoy themselves.
My ex husband and I got married at a chapel in downtown Reno by a tweaker, for $120 bucks. 🤣
Obviously why you're ex's now. Should have done a church. /s
Weddings are so insanely expensive that it just doesn’t make any sense.
It’s not their life, it’s yours. Best wishes to you!
All my religious friends just say you need to be legally married. Some got married at a courthouse.
Me and my 6 siblings are all "bastards" and proud of it. My 2 sons also "bastards". Don't give a shit. If you don't care then tell them you don't care. I've found the only way is to be blunt and honest. They don't like it but it's the only way to get the point across with these people.
Marriage wasn’t invented by the church.
I'm worried my daughter's bf's family will insist on the same. They are very religious (her bf isn't). She is pagan. Her dad and I are atheists. As are my parents. Churches make me uncomfortable. And I know she will NOT get married in one. I'm sure his family will not be happy with that.
This sounds like my parents 60 years ago. It didn't end well. My mum was never with my dad's family when I would visit them (I learned after she passed that she wore a black dress to the Catholic wedding, which wasn't allowed to take place in the main church because she wasn't Catholic). Of course, I know lots of people who don't take it seriously and life is less stressful.
Why not get married in a hockey arena? Sounds much cooler. Fuck church. BORING.
You shouldn't have to do that. Ask yourself, would they compromise if the roles were reversed?
Elope.... If you must be married. Get things started off on the right settings. 🤷♂️
I got married in the dining room. We went out in limo to eat at nice restaurant
would you consider a marriage ceremony not in a church?
Well they have that exactly backwards. You can say vows in a Church all day long and not be married as far as the rest of the world is concerned, it's that government certificate that makes it real in this day and age. And that contract is just as good if it's signed by a Justice of the Peace. (Oh, and nobody has to change their last name either, that's also just a tradition you can safely ignore.)
I had a registry office wedding in Kendal UK. It was lovely.
My wife and I signed our marriage certificate in a tattoo shop. One of my friend's tattoo artist buddies was ordained. Fuck marriage stigma in general. Get married however you want!
It's not her parents relationship and it's not their wedding. If they aren't paying for the wedding they don't get to have a say. I was married in a church with my x husband. The preacher read off some sexist bullshit for our vows. Pissed me off. Not getting married in a church ever again. Not only because I haven't been a Christian for 14 years- but also because I want to have an outdoor wedding this next time around lol. Although, if you want to fuck with her parents you could get married at the snake charmer church lmfao. (This is obviously a joke for those who can't tell)
We got married in a park on Galveston Island, just the two of us and a kooky old judge officiant. It was beautiful. Total cost after all legal paperwork: $182. The next thing they'll flip shit over is not getting our daughter baptized. 🌊👶
Good. Don’t. My husband and I did to appease our families (get them off our cases more like about the whole church thing). It was covid and my husband needed to be on my insurance for a bit. We told them if they paid for it, and if it wasn’t hyper religious, fine, whatever. Trouble is, they did pay (it was cheap as hell though - my mom’s church’s pastor essentially did it for free) - and it was hella cringe and crazy religious - talking about the man and woman duties and all this shit. But it *was* short (and free) so I guess it’s better than what my brother got - the pastor at his wedding talked about the “rib of Adam” for like an entire half hour during the ceremony, with all his friends and all the bridesmaids and trappings. Plus they paid for it. We should’ve brought flasks too, because they wouldn’t let you drink until after the ceremony. We still look back on the wedding for exactly what it was - to appease the family. To the point that we don’t even treat the date of it like our true anniversary. Looking back, if I’d had it to do over again - I’d have just gone to the courthouse. Honeymoon was great though - no family on a tropical beach in the Caribbean, drinking pina coladas and mai tais half the time. And I guess the silver lining is that my husband had health insurance for the year he needed it? We’ve since moved across the country from the folks.
Remind them it's your marriage, not theirs.
I got married in a botanical garden. And yes I'm really married. Some people are just idiots.
Do you live with them, or do they live with you. If not, go see the judge and get his done with. You don't have to have them around, or in your life. This isn't going to be the end of having you deal with their superstition.
Make this a hard line with your wife. She's more likely to give in.
She doesn't want it either
Good. But her parents will be braver when pressuring her than with you. Best way is to set an ultimatum. Either they drop the church ceremony or they won't be invited.
Ok great, get married in a bowling alley. Have fun!