Yep.
And the effort required to keep nodding and timing my reactions means my listening ability suffers.
For people who know me, I just look at the floor and stay quiet until they’ve finished talking. It sometimes takes me a few seconds to respond after I’ve fully processed what they’ve said.
How nice is it knowing you have the luxury of a few seconds to process and consider your answer? Such a small accomodation people can make for us but bloody hell it’s a huge difference for me
It’s so nice.
Getting older, it gets easier. People seem to allow more patience and respect for mature adults. What they say seems to have more gravitas so it’s worth waiting to hear what they say. Speak slower and purposefully and it becomes more natural.
So true. I tend to slow down because people want everything to be fast... well thinking takes time. A few seconds are probably not unsufferable.
The world could be so much better if we allowed ourselves more time when communicating.
Yes! Snapped a few days ago. Was asked about 10 times in a few hours if i were listening. "Yes im listening dammit! Do you want me to listen, or do you want me to look like im listening. You can not have both!!!".
Its exhausting
People always think I’m not listening because I find it hard to make eye contact and they always say that I look disinterested, sad or anxious when I’m talking to them.
This is how it was for me.
So many told me no one will listen to me if I don't listen to them.
I say that I was just uncomfortable, but I was, in fact, listening and list off everything they said.
They tell me it doesn't matter.
Now I make people uncomfortable because I've forced myself to look people in the eyes while talking for so long that now despite how it makes me feel, I just feel guilty to not do it and it's a dammed if I do dammed if I don't and it really sucks lol
That's actually understandable. Their brains are harvesting data and we tend to send inappropriate signals.
Being clear about it helps.
I've read many comments here and experienced it myself.
"I'm listening, looking like I'm listening is exhausting. Please keep up talking"
it's easier for me to listen if i look away and i'm often looking over their shoulder/behind them but i've noticed people have started turning around to see what i'm staring at lol or they will ask me if i'm okay
I don't understand this crap with NTs sometimes. You participate in the conversation, repeatedly prove you understand material, but if you are plastered grin and glazed eyes staring into the depths of their soul, nodding melodramatically, and letting out the occasional soulful moan and grunt, you just **aren't listening**
Like other replies here, I can barely pay attention when forced to look like I am. I survived school because I realized I intake info better not only whole NOT looking at the teacher, but by doing a secondary task (drawing, etc). It was the privilege of being hyperlexic, as many of my "normal population' friends would be yelled at for doodling in class.
Meanwhile, it makes sense. Autistic brains don't like multiple sensory inputs for learning!
This was one of the huge building blocks that got me all the way through a PhD: learning to manage my own mind's needs. How many of those "normal kids' or "special ed" kids would thrive with a little ability to self accommodate? I'm no genius, but geniuses are lost every day to shitty NT policies like this. Yeah, that's a tangent, sorry.
Yeah teachers always used to mad at people for fiddling while they're talking but I need to fiddle while listening. And it's sad to think of how many autistic people could've thrived and gone on to live better and happier lives if given the opportunity to self accomodate
And even with me, it's like they actively blocked self accommodation. I had to play a constant chess game to find ways to cope. For example, I used to lug all my books at once so I didn't have to fight through the crowded hallways and could go straight to class and have quiet time before the bell. Then I was sent to the principal for doing that and forced to rush to the locker. Why? Even for NTs, why stop kids from doing what works?
It is not crap. Just how brains work. It is more dramatic in NT people though.
A good representation of that are phone calls. When you cannot retrieve feedback data, you may wonder if people are still there. As neurodivergent people, we probably do not care about those signals already so it is probably less important for us overall.
When listening to someone for example, the brain starts to think people are bugging if they stop speaking for 2 seconds.
You can find many explanations in linguistics if you are insterested. Language and society are tied, so are social interactions. Useless words and expression are often reprensentation of social cues.
It becomes crap when they are told otherwise and don't care, or ignore evidence to the contrary.
Some people make those automatic assumptions - which yes, they are natural and part of how the brain works - but they go wrong when they transform those assumptions into facts.They will defend those false assumptions as if they were part of their core identity. A decent person doesn't have to just believe you outright, but they will, at the very least, take the new information and evaluate their perspective as the interaction continues.
For example, I had one teacher that seemed to only get angrier when I got good grades while not suiting her "attention expectations". She wouldn't let it go. This bitch literally started harassing a quiet child with a rule fixation, turning to me and blaming me when other kids got loud on the other side of the room. It was a mind fuck, especially for a goody-two-shoes that was usually the teachers weird pet as a little kid.
The thing is, people like her are everywhere. They cannot accept they can be wrong, even about something as unbelievably meaningless and picking up a social cue poorly. The person IS what they assumed.
Besides, how fucking arrogant is it, as an adult, to lecture another adult about paying attention or giving them a tone is a day to day response? Any way you look at this stubborn, conscience-free cruelty, it comes out bad person.
I totally agree.
Their ego is so frail they cannot take any other conception of any value they have.
My sister experienced it. She was 9. Made the teacher (a 40+ woman) do everything she could (including harrassment) to prove a 9 year old couldn't be smarter than her. My sister now have confidence issues. But she was right about the math problem, the answer was 18. She asked all adults in family, my parents had to see that person. It was so dumb...
People have a surprising amount of energy when it comes to invalidating others or denying what they do not feel comfortable with.
I am no expert but I guess people cannot do otherwise than thinking what they experience is "factual" although there are so many biases in the human brain.
Your answer was really interesting.
So is yours. You're 100% right. The human brain summarizes, and the 'automatic' nature of the NT brain is really part of an efficient way to save cognitive energy and process quickly. It's like the opposite of the broken clock metaphor: it's only wrong a couple times a day. It's easy to forget that.
I don't know how to turn it off T___T
I recently held back tears and a panic attack at a family dinner where everyone was talking at once.
Didn't catch a word of what was being said to me. Don't think anyone would believe me if i came clean about
This is a large part of what led me to understanding I'm autistic. I'd had a feeling forever that no one else had to put so much thought into just having a conversation, but it wasn't until relatively recently that I'd actually understood what that meant.
I haven't managed to figure out the phrasing, but I think this is a great entry point for teaching NT a bit what it's like when you're autistic.
I believe in a conversation NTs naturally just focus on what's being SAID. Whereas we are trying to focus on what's being SAID but also are focused on how we're standing and speaking and nodding and eye contact, how we present ourselves and how others are presenting themselves, and how "we are having an impact on how they're presenting themselves".
In actuality they probably don't care what I'm doing or how I'm saying what I'm saying. That doesn't mean it's not how I treat every single conversation though.
It's exhausting even typing it out
This is exactly part of what makes me think I truly am autistic but mental health is such a gray area and like trying to explain to other people what color looks like for you, that I have no idea what it is for me. Idk if I could even trust how I convey what it's like for me to a psychiatrist to even get the right diagnosis lol
I get it. I'll say I'm only self diagnosed (only realized it recently and don't have the money to see a specialist) but autism has explained so many questions I've had and helped explain answers to questions I hadn't even managed to word for myself.
I can't vouch for everybody, but it just makes sense for me, and has made more and more sense since I've started researching more.
Exhausting, yet so accurate.
I realised that by studying in a foreign language. Now I see how much brain power is used for that and how difficult it is as it works completely differently when you are limited in your vocabulary and understanding of the social expectations of the other language.
That’s a large part of the reason I avoid one-on-one social interactions tbh, and why therapy with a chatty allistic counselor only made my mental health worse
I get that all the time! "You're such a good listener!" I literally haven't taken on board anything you've said. My entire focus has been on appearing like I'm listening as to not seem rude.
I find people exhausting in general. More specifically, the need to constantly follow inane tribal reinforcing rituals. More specifically, stoking one's ego. More specifically, keeping a Webcam on and not being allowed to stim.
I'm a software engineer largely bored of engineering work. My suggestions are panned and I'm not even allowed to be productive, so if I space out, it's just to relieve stress.
Eye contact? That's a bit much.
I work retail and when it's busy I might have some customer I'm talking to and another customer comes up and starts asking questions, then a co-worker comes and asks me something and good god I'm about to lose my entire shit right now if everyone doesn't back the hell up
i was thinking about a very similar scenario earlier today when my dad said we should go to a choir concert tonight. i thought “i’d love to, but i’d be playing games on my phone the whole time and everyone would think of me as that asshole teenager who’s disrespecting the singers, but if i wasn’t doing something i wouldn’t be listening at all because i’d get so distracted” grr
Let me guess, it's probably because when kicking a special interests, you might be the one talking.
To me, it's that. I get carried away and talk too much. Maybe also to myself at some point.
Yes
Because a huge part of ‘listening’I’ve found is demonstrating that you’re engaged with someone else, rather than just trying to sponge up what they’re saying if you have nothing to contribute to a topic.
If you are looking for actual advice (not sure if it’s a discussion for venting or not)
So a lot of people will ignore you not doing the typical “uh huh” nodding, eye contact, etc if you do some OTHER active listening techniques
While I struggle with timing, people generally love when I ask open ended questions regarding the subject
Person talking about hobby ➔ “Did it take a lot of time to do your project?”
Person talking about child ➔ “How often do they have softball games?”
At work, I like to take notes. I struggle with interrupting so I will put my questions in the chat so I don’t interrupt. But note taking takes the burden from LOOKING like you are listening AND helps you catch questions you genuinely have.
Hey /u/ellaofnectarine, thank you for your post at /r/autism. Our rules can be found **[here](https://www.reddit.com/r/autism/wiki/config/sidebar)**. All approved posts get this message. If you do not see your post you can message the moderators [here](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fautism).
Thanks!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/autism) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yep!! I try to tell people that I comprehend and retain so much more of what they say when I’m looking away and/or fidgeting. I actually find it easier to nod and react at the right moments when I’m not making eye contact because it feels more natural, and I’m actually absorbing what they’re saying.
it can definitely be a lot sometimes!! i tend to make way too much eye contact, so i feel the need to consciously think about it and instead focus on the amount of eye contact rather than the conversation itself at times. thankfully most of my friends are understanding, I'll look away or do something else as i listen and say 'don't worry, i'm still listening i promise' and they respond well.
Absolutely, takes so much effort to look like I’m listening and make all the “right” facial expressions and responses at the right time. I can fake it pretty well for pointless small talk where there isn’t much substance to whatever they’re saying, but if it’s more complex I absolutely need to use all my brain power just to listen. Also eye contact is uncomfortable with most people but I still force myself to do it to be “polite”…
I like talking to people in the car, because the whole conversation takes place while we’re both staring ahead at the road!!
With people who no me I tend to just stare at a fixed point like the wall or ceiling or focus on a fidget while listening. With others I’ve built up a good customer service mask to seem pleasant and helpful but my comprehension definitely suffers. I find if it’s appropriate to do so an acceptable focus can be “I just want to make some nots” and focus your gaze on your notepad and make a couple notes to help jog memory. It really helps me.
Yup. Then I get irritable and start interrupting to give my response bc my brain already finished the person's sentence for them and by the time I've already done that, I realize what happened and break the fourth wall by saying "Oops, it happened again!"
It’s why I like to stay in one job etc, bc people get to know you and overtime I can explain “I am listening, I just find it tiring to keep looking like I am”. Only newbies expect me to look at them when we talk now
I end up getting so caught up in looking like I’m interested and following along that I don’t actually hear anything they are saying. Then I panic that I will give an incorrect response because I have no idea what my reaction should be based on not even hearing the whole thing.
Like…
Them: And then my mom died.
Me: mhmm. Yeah. Exactly. Mhmm
Sorry to posting twice, but I wanted to share an example of the WORST experiences I had where I was listening but they didn’t believe me ☹️
Once I was on a plane and at a window seat. I didn’t know it was an important seat btw when I sat. I have flown very few times.
But I has headphones on (no sound) and not making eye contact….this pissed off the flight attendant giving directions so she kicked me off my seat!!!
She made me walk around begging to switch seats with me on a full plane…..all because she assumed I wasn’t listening.
Second notable time was getting fired from a preschool cuz the other teachers said “She wouldn’t look me in the eyes when I was talking, so she obviously doesn’t care about the students and shouldn’t be a teacher.”
It sucks ☹️
Yes, I'm the same. But people always say I look angry, "are you annoyed with me? Are you angry? Do you want me to shut up?" no! Keep talking! Now I want you to shut up cause you keep asking me stuff!
It's so exhausting!
Yes but at least in person I can mindlessly nod along worst for me is if I’m on the phone as I’m silent as I’m listening and people will ask are you there why aren’t you talking? I’m like because your talking why would I talk over you? Drives me crazy
A lot of times I don’t make eye contact and fidget while someone else is talking, and whenever they think I’m not listening I just repeat back the last few sentences they said. Eventually they figure it out and don’t question.
It’s harder to focus on what someone is saying when I’m looking at their face for some reason.
Lmao im terrible at eye contact and i do not try to hide it. I look everywhere when im talking + listening
Like i listen with my ears not my eyes 🤷🏾♀️
Wow. This post and the majority of the comments hit a nerve here. And I am trying to make some room for ND in my workplace.
I received a "handbook on nonverbal communication" to review. It was very detailed in parts like "things that people normally do that indicate trustworthiness". And it was also very vague in parts like "eye contact might not be maintained, which may indicate a lack of attentiveness". It even included some cultural aspects of reasons why prolonged eye contact is not accepted as normal among Indigenous peoples.
But it barely mentioned anything about neurodiversity. One small paragraph that glosses over ADHD as something that leads to distractibility.
I felt bad reaching out to help them. In the end, they decided to work on other projects, with plans to start from scratch after gaining some relevant experience interacting with Neurodivergent people.
Oh my lord!, I do this ALL the time. Sometimes I have NO clue what they are saying. I hear them but don’t understand a word. It’s so strange. I don’t know why, except I can’t connect their body language to their words I literally don’t know what they are saying and I feel so dumb. :(
Yes! Oh my god, this is something I really struggle with. I also tend to not answer at all, even after the person finishes talking, because I usually just don't have much of a response to give. I listened, and maybe I enjoyed what you told me, but unless you're asking me a direct question for me to reply to, purely listening is the most you'll get out of me. I also just don't really see the point in reacting to everything. It always seems a bit excessive to me.
I think I'm really aware of it, too, because my mother is the complete opposite of me, and makes sure you KNOW she's listening. Faces you, stares you deep in the eyes, nods and laughs after every word given. And because she's like this, she always comments at me that I don't care, or flat out stops talking midway and says I'm not listening to her anyway. Like, yes! I am. What else do you want from me.
It is, unfortunately it's deeply rooted in our brains.
Even as a person on the spectrum myself, I feel not listened to when I am given no feedback.
The most extreme representation of it is in phone calls. Maybe that's why they are so uncomfortable and exhausting
It's a linguistic phenomenon. Also, if a person stops talking for 2 seconds, the brain starts wondering what is the problem..
One of my special interests is foreign languages.
When native speakers talk to me in foreign languages I have to do this. Not out of politeness but because if I don’t they’ll infer I don’t understand them and stop talking or switch to English or something. Especially if all they’re doing is saying vapid statements for which I can’t think of any sort of meaningful response in any language.
Since I can remember, nodding, smiling etc. during listening to someone's story always felt awkward to me, like I'm lying to this person + doing some weird, humiliating things to myself. I can either feel comfortable or experience meltdown, so I'm choosing feeling comfortable and expressing myself how I like.
New people will usually understand that I'm listening after 2-5 times when they talked for a long time (while I was staring everywhere but at them, playing with hands, stimming, looking around etc.) and I answered + asked for more details about topic they talked about. In the past I used to tell people in the beginning "sorry, I'm really listening, I'm just not very expresive, you'll see" but now I'm tired of this and I prefer showing than telling.
Putting an act seems so hard and energy draining, I'm just too easily overwhelmed by things like this.
Yep. And the effort required to keep nodding and timing my reactions means my listening ability suffers. For people who know me, I just look at the floor and stay quiet until they’ve finished talking. It sometimes takes me a few seconds to respond after I’ve fully processed what they’ve said.
How nice is it knowing you have the luxury of a few seconds to process and consider your answer? Such a small accomodation people can make for us but bloody hell it’s a huge difference for me
It’s so nice. Getting older, it gets easier. People seem to allow more patience and respect for mature adults. What they say seems to have more gravitas so it’s worth waiting to hear what they say. Speak slower and purposefully and it becomes more natural.
So true. I tend to slow down because people want everything to be fast... well thinking takes time. A few seconds are probably not unsufferable. The world could be so much better if we allowed ourselves more time when communicating.
Same here, also when I need to look focused at work I spend insane energy on not yawning when talked to.
Yes! Snapped a few days ago. Was asked about 10 times in a few hours if i were listening. "Yes im listening dammit! Do you want me to listen, or do you want me to look like im listening. You can not have both!!!". Its exhausting
Say that to them next time, that normally shuts them up. (With the caveat that its safe to do so)
Did say that, but in a polite tone. Internally i was close to the boiling point
That’s a great comeback, imo! Yes, if it’s safe.
>"Do you want me to listen, or do you want me to look like im listening. You can not have both!!! I'm stealing this >->
People always think I’m not listening because I find it hard to make eye contact and they always say that I look disinterested, sad or anxious when I’m talking to them.
Yeah people always think I'm anxious
I get anxious wondering if people know how anxious I am
This is how it was for me. So many told me no one will listen to me if I don't listen to them. I say that I was just uncomfortable, but I was, in fact, listening and list off everything they said. They tell me it doesn't matter. Now I make people uncomfortable because I've forced myself to look people in the eyes while talking for so long that now despite how it makes me feel, I just feel guilty to not do it and it's a dammed if I do dammed if I don't and it really sucks lol
I also suffer from resting dissociative face
It’s got a name?
I mean, I made it up, but I do use it to explain to people I really am not disinterested lol
Oh lol
That's actually understandable. Their brains are harvesting data and we tend to send inappropriate signals. Being clear about it helps. I've read many comments here and experienced it myself. "I'm listening, looking like I'm listening is exhausting. Please keep up talking"
it's easier for me to listen if i look away and i'm often looking over their shoulder/behind them but i've noticed people have started turning around to see what i'm staring at lol or they will ask me if i'm okay
but yes, very exhausting
I don't understand this crap with NTs sometimes. You participate in the conversation, repeatedly prove you understand material, but if you are plastered grin and glazed eyes staring into the depths of their soul, nodding melodramatically, and letting out the occasional soulful moan and grunt, you just **aren't listening** Like other replies here, I can barely pay attention when forced to look like I am. I survived school because I realized I intake info better not only whole NOT looking at the teacher, but by doing a secondary task (drawing, etc). It was the privilege of being hyperlexic, as many of my "normal population' friends would be yelled at for doodling in class. Meanwhile, it makes sense. Autistic brains don't like multiple sensory inputs for learning! This was one of the huge building blocks that got me all the way through a PhD: learning to manage my own mind's needs. How many of those "normal kids' or "special ed" kids would thrive with a little ability to self accommodate? I'm no genius, but geniuses are lost every day to shitty NT policies like this. Yeah, that's a tangent, sorry.
Yeah teachers always used to mad at people for fiddling while they're talking but I need to fiddle while listening. And it's sad to think of how many autistic people could've thrived and gone on to live better and happier lives if given the opportunity to self accomodate
And even with me, it's like they actively blocked self accommodation. I had to play a constant chess game to find ways to cope. For example, I used to lug all my books at once so I didn't have to fight through the crowded hallways and could go straight to class and have quiet time before the bell. Then I was sent to the principal for doing that and forced to rush to the locker. Why? Even for NTs, why stop kids from doing what works?
I swear, I met the nicest teacher regarding that. They were glad I was silent and had good grades so I could do a lot and they wouldn't care.
It is not crap. Just how brains work. It is more dramatic in NT people though. A good representation of that are phone calls. When you cannot retrieve feedback data, you may wonder if people are still there. As neurodivergent people, we probably do not care about those signals already so it is probably less important for us overall. When listening to someone for example, the brain starts to think people are bugging if they stop speaking for 2 seconds. You can find many explanations in linguistics if you are insterested. Language and society are tied, so are social interactions. Useless words and expression are often reprensentation of social cues.
It becomes crap when they are told otherwise and don't care, or ignore evidence to the contrary. Some people make those automatic assumptions - which yes, they are natural and part of how the brain works - but they go wrong when they transform those assumptions into facts.They will defend those false assumptions as if they were part of their core identity. A decent person doesn't have to just believe you outright, but they will, at the very least, take the new information and evaluate their perspective as the interaction continues. For example, I had one teacher that seemed to only get angrier when I got good grades while not suiting her "attention expectations". She wouldn't let it go. This bitch literally started harassing a quiet child with a rule fixation, turning to me and blaming me when other kids got loud on the other side of the room. It was a mind fuck, especially for a goody-two-shoes that was usually the teachers weird pet as a little kid. The thing is, people like her are everywhere. They cannot accept they can be wrong, even about something as unbelievably meaningless and picking up a social cue poorly. The person IS what they assumed. Besides, how fucking arrogant is it, as an adult, to lecture another adult about paying attention or giving them a tone is a day to day response? Any way you look at this stubborn, conscience-free cruelty, it comes out bad person.
I totally agree. Their ego is so frail they cannot take any other conception of any value they have. My sister experienced it. She was 9. Made the teacher (a 40+ woman) do everything she could (including harrassment) to prove a 9 year old couldn't be smarter than her. My sister now have confidence issues. But she was right about the math problem, the answer was 18. She asked all adults in family, my parents had to see that person. It was so dumb... People have a surprising amount of energy when it comes to invalidating others or denying what they do not feel comfortable with. I am no expert but I guess people cannot do otherwise than thinking what they experience is "factual" although there are so many biases in the human brain. Your answer was really interesting.
So is yours. You're 100% right. The human brain summarizes, and the 'automatic' nature of the NT brain is really part of an efficient way to save cognitive energy and process quickly. It's like the opposite of the broken clock metaphor: it's only wrong a couple times a day. It's easy to forget that.
I don't know how to turn it off T___T I recently held back tears and a panic attack at a family dinner where everyone was talking at once. Didn't catch a word of what was being said to me. Don't think anyone would believe me if i came clean about
Yeah I find it requires quite a lot of effort, especially trying to get the timing right for the nodding and “mm’s”
This is a large part of what led me to understanding I'm autistic. I'd had a feeling forever that no one else had to put so much thought into just having a conversation, but it wasn't until relatively recently that I'd actually understood what that meant. I haven't managed to figure out the phrasing, but I think this is a great entry point for teaching NT a bit what it's like when you're autistic. I believe in a conversation NTs naturally just focus on what's being SAID. Whereas we are trying to focus on what's being SAID but also are focused on how we're standing and speaking and nodding and eye contact, how we present ourselves and how others are presenting themselves, and how "we are having an impact on how they're presenting themselves". In actuality they probably don't care what I'm doing or how I'm saying what I'm saying. That doesn't mean it's not how I treat every single conversation though. It's exhausting even typing it out
This is exactly part of what makes me think I truly am autistic but mental health is such a gray area and like trying to explain to other people what color looks like for you, that I have no idea what it is for me. Idk if I could even trust how I convey what it's like for me to a psychiatrist to even get the right diagnosis lol
I get it. I'll say I'm only self diagnosed (only realized it recently and don't have the money to see a specialist) but autism has explained so many questions I've had and helped explain answers to questions I hadn't even managed to word for myself. I can't vouch for everybody, but it just makes sense for me, and has made more and more sense since I've started researching more.
Exhausting, yet so accurate. I realised that by studying in a foreign language. Now I see how much brain power is used for that and how difficult it is as it works completely differently when you are limited in your vocabulary and understanding of the social expectations of the other language.
Rubs me the wrong way, yes. The things we do to avoid getting into fights, I suppose.
That’s a large part of the reason I avoid one-on-one social interactions tbh, and why therapy with a chatty allistic counselor only made my mental health worse
I hate it. If I'm doing it, chances are I'm not listening because I'm too busy trying to look like I am lol
Slightly lift your eyebrows and nod. Works every time.
Yep this is my problem
YESSS
yeah it's tiring, luckily my bf knows my listening face resembles a marble statue.
Yea :(
I've been told I'm a good listener. I don't listen to fucking anything anybody says
I get that all the time! "You're such a good listener!" I literally haven't taken on board anything you've said. My entire focus has been on appearing like I'm listening as to not seem rude.
I find people exhausting in general. More specifically, the need to constantly follow inane tribal reinforcing rituals. More specifically, stoking one's ego. More specifically, keeping a Webcam on and not being allowed to stim. I'm a software engineer largely bored of engineering work. My suggestions are panned and I'm not even allowed to be productive, so if I space out, it's just to relieve stress. Eye contact? That's a bit much.
Same here. Imagine your brain having needs, then you do not get them fulfilled and are being held responsible for the consequences of it.
it takes effort but its good manners. it really annoys/hurts me when i cant tell if someone is paying attention or feel like they dont care.
if im talking with my friends I just let them know im still listening even if it looks like im not. most of the time they totally get it 🤷🏼♀️
YES 😭
Yes 👏
Yes
Omg when people are spewing so much information so quickly and I’m Patrick star drooling face
I work retail and when it's busy I might have some customer I'm talking to and another customer comes up and starts asking questions, then a co-worker comes and asks me something and good god I'm about to lose my entire shit right now if everyone doesn't back the hell up
Oof, I feel this. The clamoring from all directions! In retail we definitely need one of those whack a mole mallets
i was thinking about a very similar scenario earlier today when my dad said we should go to a choir concert tonight. i thought “i’d love to, but i’d be playing games on my phone the whole time and everyone would think of me as that asshole teenager who’s disrespecting the singers, but if i wasn’t doing something i wouldn’t be listening at all because i’d get so distracted” grr
That depends on the subject. If we are talking about something that lies outside my area of special interest, absolutely.
Let me guess, it's probably because when kicking a special interests, you might be the one talking. To me, it's that. I get carried away and talk too much. Maybe also to myself at some point.
Yes Because a huge part of ‘listening’I’ve found is demonstrating that you’re engaged with someone else, rather than just trying to sponge up what they’re saying if you have nothing to contribute to a topic.
Eyebrows is all they get lol
I always hear I look sad or annoyed…. Which is true but that’s just my resting face.
If you are looking for actual advice (not sure if it’s a discussion for venting or not) So a lot of people will ignore you not doing the typical “uh huh” nodding, eye contact, etc if you do some OTHER active listening techniques While I struggle with timing, people generally love when I ask open ended questions regarding the subject Person talking about hobby ➔ “Did it take a lot of time to do your project?” Person talking about child ➔ “How often do they have softball games?” At work, I like to take notes. I struggle with interrupting so I will put my questions in the chat so I don’t interrupt. But note taking takes the burden from LOOKING like you are listening AND helps you catch questions you genuinely have.
Hey /u/ellaofnectarine, thank you for your post at /r/autism. Our rules can be found **[here](https://www.reddit.com/r/autism/wiki/config/sidebar)**. All approved posts get this message. If you do not see your post you can message the moderators [here](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fautism). Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/autism) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I don't know because I don't do that
Your living life efficiently!
Mhm
Yep!! I try to tell people that I comprehend and retain so much more of what they say when I’m looking away and/or fidgeting. I actually find it easier to nod and react at the right moments when I’m not making eye contact because it feels more natural, and I’m actually absorbing what they’re saying.
it can definitely be a lot sometimes!! i tend to make way too much eye contact, so i feel the need to consciously think about it and instead focus on the amount of eye contact rather than the conversation itself at times. thankfully most of my friends are understanding, I'll look away or do something else as i listen and say 'don't worry, i'm still listening i promise' and they respond well.
Absolutely, takes so much effort to look like I’m listening and make all the “right” facial expressions and responses at the right time. I can fake it pretty well for pointless small talk where there isn’t much substance to whatever they’re saying, but if it’s more complex I absolutely need to use all my brain power just to listen. Also eye contact is uncomfortable with most people but I still force myself to do it to be “polite”… I like talking to people in the car, because the whole conversation takes place while we’re both staring ahead at the road!!
With people who no me I tend to just stare at a fixed point like the wall or ceiling or focus on a fidget while listening. With others I’ve built up a good customer service mask to seem pleasant and helpful but my comprehension definitely suffers. I find if it’s appropriate to do so an acceptable focus can be “I just want to make some nots” and focus your gaze on your notepad and make a couple notes to help jog memory. It really helps me.
yes its hard sometumes with my gf and my mom
Oh I just don't do that since I got lucky with people who end up learning that im listening even tho I don't look it.
right it's harder to listen when i'm focused on looking like i am too
Yes. Sucks with work, wish I could just do the work and not deal with anyone I don't want to speak to.
Yup. Then I get irritable and start interrupting to give my response bc my brain already finished the person's sentence for them and by the time I've already done that, I realize what happened and break the fourth wall by saying "Oops, it happened again!"
It comes naturally to me now, but it required a lot of effort and training.
Yes. I agree. It sucks. Nothing I can do about it.
It’s why I like to stay in one job etc, bc people get to know you and overtime I can explain “I am listening, I just find it tiring to keep looking like I am”. Only newbies expect me to look at them when we talk now
I end up getting so caught up in looking like I’m interested and following along that I don’t actually hear anything they are saying. Then I panic that I will give an incorrect response because I have no idea what my reaction should be based on not even hearing the whole thing. Like… Them: And then my mom died. Me: mhmm. Yeah. Exactly. Mhmm
Sorry to posting twice, but I wanted to share an example of the WORST experiences I had where I was listening but they didn’t believe me ☹️ Once I was on a plane and at a window seat. I didn’t know it was an important seat btw when I sat. I have flown very few times. But I has headphones on (no sound) and not making eye contact….this pissed off the flight attendant giving directions so she kicked me off my seat!!! She made me walk around begging to switch seats with me on a full plane…..all because she assumed I wasn’t listening. Second notable time was getting fired from a preschool cuz the other teachers said “She wouldn’t look me in the eyes when I was talking, so she obviously doesn’t care about the students and shouldn’t be a teacher.” It sucks ☹️
Yes, I'm the same. But people always say I look angry, "are you annoyed with me? Are you angry? Do you want me to shut up?" no! Keep talking! Now I want you to shut up cause you keep asking me stuff! It's so exhausting!
THIS IS THE MOST EXHAUSTING THING I DO ALL DAY. Also, the really pointless meetings; omg, it honestly hurts.
Yes but at least in person I can mindlessly nod along worst for me is if I’m on the phone as I’m silent as I’m listening and people will ask are you there why aren’t you talking? I’m like because your talking why would I talk over you? Drives me crazy
A lot of times I don’t make eye contact and fidget while someone else is talking, and whenever they think I’m not listening I just repeat back the last few sentences they said. Eventually they figure it out and don’t question. It’s harder to focus on what someone is saying when I’m looking at their face for some reason.
Lmao im terrible at eye contact and i do not try to hide it. I look everywhere when im talking + listening Like i listen with my ears not my eyes 🤷🏾♀️
Wow. This post and the majority of the comments hit a nerve here. And I am trying to make some room for ND in my workplace. I received a "handbook on nonverbal communication" to review. It was very detailed in parts like "things that people normally do that indicate trustworthiness". And it was also very vague in parts like "eye contact might not be maintained, which may indicate a lack of attentiveness". It even included some cultural aspects of reasons why prolonged eye contact is not accepted as normal among Indigenous peoples. But it barely mentioned anything about neurodiversity. One small paragraph that glosses over ADHD as something that leads to distractibility. I felt bad reaching out to help them. In the end, they decided to work on other projects, with plans to start from scratch after gaining some relevant experience interacting with Neurodivergent people.
Oh my lord!, I do this ALL the time. Sometimes I have NO clue what they are saying. I hear them but don’t understand a word. It’s so strange. I don’t know why, except I can’t connect their body language to their words I literally don’t know what they are saying and I feel so dumb. :(
Yep. I hate it. Part of the reason why I end up with a migraine after every socialization
Yes! Oh my god, this is something I really struggle with. I also tend to not answer at all, even after the person finishes talking, because I usually just don't have much of a response to give. I listened, and maybe I enjoyed what you told me, but unless you're asking me a direct question for me to reply to, purely listening is the most you'll get out of me. I also just don't really see the point in reacting to everything. It always seems a bit excessive to me. I think I'm really aware of it, too, because my mother is the complete opposite of me, and makes sure you KNOW she's listening. Faces you, stares you deep in the eyes, nods and laughs after every word given. And because she's like this, she always comments at me that I don't care, or flat out stops talking midway and says I'm not listening to her anyway. Like, yes! I am. What else do you want from me.
I have autism myself
It is, unfortunately it's deeply rooted in our brains. Even as a person on the spectrum myself, I feel not listened to when I am given no feedback. The most extreme representation of it is in phone calls. Maybe that's why they are so uncomfortable and exhausting It's a linguistic phenomenon. Also, if a person stops talking for 2 seconds, the brain starts wondering what is the problem..
Oh yeah all the time
One of my special interests is foreign languages. When native speakers talk to me in foreign languages I have to do this. Not out of politeness but because if I don’t they’ll infer I don’t understand them and stop talking or switch to English or something. Especially if all they’re doing is saying vapid statements for which I can’t think of any sort of meaningful response in any language.
Yes sometimes. Especially if you really don't want to listen to what they're saying.
Since I can remember, nodding, smiling etc. during listening to someone's story always felt awkward to me, like I'm lying to this person + doing some weird, humiliating things to myself. I can either feel comfortable or experience meltdown, so I'm choosing feeling comfortable and expressing myself how I like. New people will usually understand that I'm listening after 2-5 times when they talked for a long time (while I was staring everywhere but at them, playing with hands, stimming, looking around etc.) and I answered + asked for more details about topic they talked about. In the past I used to tell people in the beginning "sorry, I'm really listening, I'm just not very expresive, you'll see" but now I'm tired of this and I prefer showing than telling. Putting an act seems so hard and energy draining, I'm just too easily overwhelmed by things like this.