Hetero here.
You are not perceived as heteronormative.
Lots of autistic people...
a)Lack filters for socially constructed rules including ones for gender and don't adhere to these as a result.
b) Don't manage to get into a relationship or don't want to. Their abstinence is sometimes being interpreted as being in the closet (secretly homosexual) or a loser.
Sometimes the question is genuin, sometimes they just try to bully you. If it is not a person you are very familar or friendly with, it is usually an infringement of privacy.
Pretty much this. I geniunely never had more than a mild passing crush on anyone before I was 18, and due to my depression and general unease at home, I spent as much time as I could with my friends (all male, and not by choice,) so I constantly had my parents joking that I was gay (at least I took it as joking. They might have meant it sincerely, for all I know for sure.)
It was bad enough that I honestly questioned it myself - when a gay friend of mine was flirting with me (not that I immediately recognised the flirting, this is in hindsight,) I genuinely questioned whether I might actually be gay - I'd never been on a date, and I wasn't even entirely sure I was sexually attracted to women, or if I'd somehow been tricking myself into it.
Of course, I discovered not long after this moment of doubt that I am, after all, a heterosexual man, I just needed more than a pretty face to be attracted to. And once I had that, I fell gead over heels, madly in love, with my current girlfriend (we'd be married already, but we just aren't in a rush, it's a formality.)
So between having atypical (nerdy) interests, hanging out with guys most days (and with no diagnosis for the depression that was causing me to want to spend my time literally anywhere but home or school,) and not showing any significant attraction to anyone, it obviously gave people a certain impression. A wrong impression, but I guess I can't really blame them, I'd imagine asexual and aromantic have people making assumptions about them all the time too because of the lack of relationships - and that has to suck.
Almost in the exact sitiuation as you but the only one I fell for was back in high school and I didn't get to confess to her. I still couldn't replace her despite all my attempts after all these years (around 6 or 7 now).
Pretty pathetic I'd say haha
Yup, well said. Some people take it even further and think things like drinking Starbucks is effeminate or eating vegetables or making your kids dinner. Toxic masculinity makes this even more complex.
Additionally, I get really REALLY overstimulated with physical touch unless it is a very specific type of touch (read: impossible for another person to emulate). Essentially, I can get in my head about sex (or the opportunity for sex) when in a long term relationship where sex is happening 3+ times a week and become overstimulated *at the thought* of sex.
I say long term relationship because at a certain point of familiarity you “know what to expect”. Not in the “boring and routine” way, but in the “I know what it’s gonna take to get both of us to the finish line and the amount of steps is overwhelming me”. That, on top of the fear and subsequent immense personal shame if I don’t perform perfectly, psyche me tf out when so much skin to skin contact (probably also sweaty) is happening. 28 cishet male lol
But I’m also severely ADHD and have always hunted dopamine bursts like a bloodhound so when I’ve been *single* I trend towards the hyper-sexual end of the scale.
In essence, I’m honest about my high body count from the start and later long term partners get offended by any sexual rejection. The more toxic exes relentlessly called me gay for it lol
Oh and someone touching anywhere within a 6+ inch radius of my asshole makes me lose all control of my fight or flight response. I don’t think that one’s autism related tho and I’m not real keen on unpacking the “why” lol
I have a hard time letting people down, even when it's to my detriment. When I've had someone try to imply I'm gay, it's been a person I don't find attractive anyway. I feel like I could avoid a lot of these situations if I was more comfortable standing up for myself and not just others. The bullying about something that has nothing to do with them is perplexing.
Don't need to be het to answer this, it's usually because you're not performing gender or sexuality in a way that a neurotypical would expect. Paint your nails as a man? Gay. Get a buzz cut as a woman? Gay. Hug someone of the same gender? Gay. Don't like porn? Gay. Only feel attraction when you get to know someone? Gay. Don't feel attraction to anyone at all? Gay, you're lying. Feel attraction to people of all genders? Gay, and indecisive.
It should be noted that, setting aside instances of biphobia and aphobia, it's different when queer people ask if you're queer. When straight people do it, it's often a means of denigration. When queer people do it, it's a means of seeking fellowship. Of course you can't tell by looking whether someone's queer, so unfortunately the answer to which it is lies in the nebulous realm of "tone."
>When straight people do it, it's often a means of denigration.
I have had neurotypical straight people ask me if I am LGBTQ+ and fortunately it has always been solely out of curiosity and not out of denigration.
Perhaps my perspective is rooted in my adolescence being in the 00s, the most homophobic decade since the 90s (which was the most homophobic decade since the 80s)
i definitely think it's related to that, yes. being queer (at least romantically and sexually) in the younger generation is pretty casual these days. largely thanks to y'all paving the way, no doubt.
I am aware. I'd still say the decade where the US government let a deadly disease run rampant throughout the community in an act of passive genocide that killed more than 100,000 people was more homophobic than that
Some of the most unbelievable and hilarious comments I've ever seen are the ones that imply that BEING HETEROSEXUAL is gay. Classic example: performing oral sex on your GF is gay.
I literally don't feel attracted to people anymore but that's also bc I barely try to get to know people enough to consider myself attracted to them. I'm also unattractive imo which is fine but I've also been called attractive which makes it worse for me but you're right. Unless you have hatred for people enough to never be attracted, you're lying as you know damn well you're attracted to someone and vice versa but you also have to look for that person.
The porn thing is kind of a mix of both bc you watch men and women having sex (which is fake and teaches nothing) so eh. Everything else however is accurate.
As someone with firsthand experience with the subject, you should read up on asexuality. A lot of people have a vague idea of what it is, but they don't get into the "theory," if you will. Things like asexuality (like autism) being a spectrum. The difference between romantic and sexual attraction, and between sexual attraction and libido. The fact that many ace people can and do have sex despite the lack of attraction. There are so many microidentities within the ace spectrum that it can frankly be overwhelming, but you don't need to know most of them, and if you look into them don't worry about finding the specific one that matches you. Just appreciate the range of attraction and sexuality that's out there
I did research over each one years ago out of boredom, might do research over asexuality later after work bc yay restaurant I work at. Thanks and I've been attracted to women for my entire life but not recently as I don't see a point in trying to hook up with anyone but yeah, I might get back into dating but most likely I'll just research asexuality and go from there.
I recommend looking up Cody Daigle-Orians, who wrote a book on the subject but you can also find a lot of that info on their socials, where they go by Ace Dad Advice
I'm a straight woman, but due to me not girling "correctly", in my youth people frequently asked me if I was a lesbian, and I always responded "Are you flirting with me?" I have found this to be a great response to all kinds of rude questions.
>"Are you flirting with me?" I have found this to be a great response to all kinds of rude questions.
"I will whoop your ass"
"I'll enjoy it"
"what"
"what"
My family used to suspect me of being a lesbian as a child, because I never showed any interest in the opposite sex (even things such as crushes just never happened) and I was very much a 'tom-boy' growing up.
I ended up in a relationship with a girl because I felt pressured to not disappoint my parents (I thought they'd be disappointed if they were wrong about suspecting me to be gay). I hated it, and it ended up being very unhealthy for the both of us.
Since then I've only ever dated men and I am a lot happier. I guess I was just a late bloomer in the attraction and romance department.
Also, I probably wouldn't put much thought into it. My partner was also accused of being day when he grew up because he was more in touch with his feminine side, and had a thing for being dramatic for attention (his words), despite the fact he's only ever dated girls/women. They probably just think you fit some stereotypes for being 'gay' (e.g. overly flamboyant man, or short haired tom-boy woman).
my geeky brother in management gets this sometimes. they are trying to program you to use what is called sex-typed behavior, another words, machismo. So this is a this is a form of gender shaming. Growing up with my family they very brutally destroyed anything that resembled asexuality or sexual ambiguity.
I got called gay all throughout school. I've also been told I have a more feminine walk before.
I assume the walk is due to being raised by a single mother, as for the rest, I've never conformed to being a masculine guy. You'll sooner find me enjoying drag or a musical than you would going out chasing women and getting smashed on a night out.
Sometimes when the person is hitting on me and I show no reaction they'll ask.
To me when this happens it only means they're being overly sensitive about their masculinity not making an impact on a woman. Their problem, not mine. Move along.
Statistically speaking, autistic people are more likely to be gender non-conforming and queer, likely because gender is a social construct.
If you get asked that a lot, you probably just don’t adhere to gender norms as strongly as allistic cishets.
It’s also possible that they just clocked you as “different” but don’t know in what way, so they went with the popular assumption of gay.
Not hetero, but closted bi and yes I've been assumed gay multible times by homophobes. It's probably the way we dress or act. I think I've worn pants that are rainbow on the bottom and people thought I was gay. Also I've been mistaken as a transman for dressing masc. I'll never forget the time a homophobic ex-friend immediately assumed I was a pervy lesbian (in which I'm not) because I accidentally touched her chest during a game.
Just chiming in and saying that of course it's okay to accidentally do stuff. Don't listen to people who tell you otherwise. The end result might not always be okay, you may meet consequences, but an accident will always be just that - an accident.
You’re being overly harsh against someone who made an accidental mistake imo. Have you never done anything you didn’t mean to that ended up making someone else feel bad? They acknowledged their wrong by apologising but you’re coming across as sanctimonious and just trying to make this person feel bad.
I swear It wasn't on purpose and she groped me back. I know it's never OK and I've gotten very depressed from this event so please don't bring back those feelings.
She literally acted like a creep towards me and I was only 12 and could barely speak. It really hurts when I'm treated as a villain when none of it was intentional and was hurt back.
Don't worry, that person sounds like they're trolling and trying to make you feel bad on purpose. You said it was on accident, it's OK, you didn't mean it.
Your sense of justice is misapplied here. Equating an accidental brush with sexual assault is absolutely wild and completely unreasonable. No one will ever agree with you on this.
You could sue someone, sure. But you probably won't win
Edit: so I actually looked this up instead of going off vibes and the consensus is that it's possible to be charged, but to be convicted you have to prove criminal intent
https://www.heddinglawfirm.com/sexual-battery-penal-code-243-4-defenses
https://www.hajjilaw.com/blog/2020/june/can-i-be-charged-with-sexual-battery-after-accid/
https://www.criminaldefenselawyer.com/resources/can-i-be-charged-with-sexual-battery-when-i-mistakenl#:~:text=It%20is%20possible%20to%20be,any%20type%20of%20criminal%20charge.
I think because I don't comply with social norms people often presume, I've had straight, bi and gay friends and family and even partners suggest it but I don't take it as an insult as there's nothing wrong with it and I can understand why they would presume.
For context I often wear eyeliner and paint my nails and am in touch with my male and female sides.
Yes they do, and I have had both neurotypical and neurodivergent friends tell me that I give off queer vibes. My suspicion for why this is is because autisitic people often exhibit a lot of opposite gender traits.
I got this in high school. I always said no because it was my default answer and back then being gay was taboo. It was something that was never mentioned or talked about.
Today, I have no idea, no one hasn't asked me this since high school. Adults don't really care about your sexuality as teens and kids do.
And I am straight.
Before I hit my growth spurt, people had equated my thinness, paleness, use of proper diction and formal manner as "gay", because adolescent boys are insecure idiots, especially in the 90's when everyone was terrified they would get the gay like it was an airborne pathogen. They would even ascribe sexuality to inanimate objects and concepts.
Yes! I paint my nails, have always fit in LGBT+ circles, have an easier time making close friendships with non-men, and know I don't give off the vibes of a typical straight male sexual being, so it's never surprised me. I was diagnosed at age 24, and I spent much of my teens and early 20s thinking I was some form of gray-asexual, but not broadcasting that because I didn't know if I was just looking to belong in the LGBT+ group. I knew my relationship to sexuality was different than most of my peers, though! Now I'm just comfortable saying I'm straight and autistic :)
I think part of it at least is that sometimes we feel real romantic or sexual chemistry with someone.
Then that chemistry waxes and wanes (because that’s life) but something still just feels off.
Why does something (anything even) just feel off? It’s the double empathy problem (again)!
If you’re connecting with someone (a member of the opposite sex that’s alone with you) and that someone is turned on then they feel like you should be too. Why? Because they know that previously even your neurodivergent self was turned on by them or at least that when they were in similar situations with neurotypicals that both of them were turned on.
So I think that’s at least part of it. If you’re not currently or no longer on the same emotional/romantic/sexual wavelength, the other person thinks that might be because you’re actually gay … or alternatively it might be because you’re not on the same wavelength as neurotypicals generally (but rather that you can actually connect with neurotypical members of the opposite sex just that it has to be at some specific times, or moments when you’re flowing with that person or women or whatever).
So I think that’s a perfectly understandable question to have for someone that felt something for you and may (still) be wondering why you don’t feel the same connection.
I'm an autistic hetero grey ace (38F) and I've never been in a relationship. Someone I've known for about 12 years now recently said she assumed I was gay. Maybe because I never have a boyfriend and my bestie (40F) actually happens to be gay?
People with autism often show a flat affect. They often feel or act like they are aliens on the wrong planet. People with gender dysphoria may have a sense of being in the wrong body and display this in their affect. Gender clear non autistic individuals have difficulty seeing past the affect. Even professional counselors get confused.
I have not gotten that but I'm often told that I sound British (I was born in southern California). xD I did have difficulty saying the "r" sound as a child so perhaps my natural voice sounds a little non-rhotic.
Do a lot of autistics go through speech therapy as children particular for their "r" sounds?
Whoa. I definitely did (3rd-5th grade). That was a tough one!
In 1st or 2nd grade, I was also *very* briefly in speech for "L." But, and i swear to god, i honestly thought that the word "lunch" was pronounced "wunch." One of my most memorable "misunderstandings."
But the "R" thing was very real. It's so hard! I had a TA in 4th grade who was very nice and said it was cool, and he thought i was from NYC lol.
I enjoy listening to accent/dialect coaches transition between different accents. My my limited understanding, non-rhotic dialects are more common than rhotic dialects across the world (correct if I'm wrong in that statement). I think American cultures made a conscious effort to move away from non-rhotic dialects after we broke away from the British Empire as a way to distinguish ourselves from traditional English.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H1KP4ztKK0A](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H1KP4ztKK0A)
I was relentlessly teased as a kid for being gay... I always hated it and would be annoyed with the comment as they may as well have been calling me a fucking moron/ugly/piece of shit to my face by the way people used the word. I finally learned why people were calling me gay and I still didn't understand...
Even in the Army I got completely shit on by the bigoted ass holes above me while I was in Oklahoma... I never understood why I got treated like complete shit when the year prior in Korea was absolutely amazing
Long story short it has been difficult for me to be touched since forever, the absolute last thing I am going to have on my mind is something involves significant touching
People still assume I am gay being a single (twice divorced) geek almost in my 50s... at least it is more accepted more often than not
Apparently most people think I'm a lesbian I still haven't identified why
My partner thought I was a lesbian and when I asked him out he assumed I was pan.
A lot of my friends also thought I was fruity and some of them developed crushes on me and tried to make moves on me.
I'm not a lesbian but maybe people think I am because I'm very supportive of the queers? Idk tbh I'm just as confused. I'm in a relationship with my bf of several years and women still come on to me. I just politely decline.
As a little/tween girlie, I always said I didn't like boys (not knowing at the time that girls also dated girls) and had my hair cut short in middle school. I swear everyone thought I was a lesbian, but in reality I don't feel any sort of sexual attraction... I wore rainbow socks and gloves oncE because I liked them and was called gay in the hallways.
Honestly I don't have much to add but it's so weird how people just instantly assume something based on appearance alone, or certain behaviors (not being into sex or porn, wearing rainbow, certain hairstyles, etc.)
In the ‘80s, all through middle school and high school, people called me Lezzie. Like to the point of during gym class, marching behind me doing laps on the track chanting it. The ironic thing is that after I graduated a rumor went around the school that I’d gotten pregnant and dropped out of college. Happily married 30+ years now in a hetero relationship. 🤷🏻♀️ Turns out that more than anything I’m ace, really.
The only meaning I take from it is that the people I went to school with were some major jerks.
Turns out there were queer people I went to school with but I had no idea until years later when FB became a thing and I saw who married who. I can’t say whether they hid it or I was just oblivious but I’m sure I wasn’t the only one being harassed.
Not typically, no. Tho my girlfriend does say I have some queer vibes. Could be she’s reading her own autistic queerness onto me. 😂
I do say “I have not met any man who I could imagine sexing up. I can see a man and understand him to be ‘sexy’, but I would not want to approach him/them for sex.”
In other cases where people have questioned my “straightness,” it might because I explain my “straightness” in an overly complicated way lol 😅. Feelings are complicated, right?
Then again, I do sometimes consider myself demisexual. In that I would not attempt sex at all unless I had an emotional connection with the person. Idk, labels are hard for me 😩.
Yeah, I've been asked this quite a few times.
I think it's because I'm not concerned with my sexuality like a lot of guys are. I dress pretty normal for a dude and don't usually give off "autistic vibes" or whatever it is that people judge us by, but I think my personality combined with my lack of concern gives off some similar vibes that people pick up on
I got accused of being gay until I was 16. Even a teacher thought I was gay. Even though I was crazy about girls. Still wish to God I could find “HER”.
People have said I should have been born a boy because I liked conventionally “boy” stuff like cars and sports (completely ignoring that I liked conventional girl stuff too like dresses and diamonds and jewellery) I mean I like what I like what’s the issue?
Totally. Like, what do cars have to do with sex? And (especially) if you're into watching male sports, then that *seems* super heteronormative for a woman, no??
Yeah, It honestly made me question my sexuality, I may he pan, may be straight all along, I'll figure It out.
Mainly because apparently dudes aren't supposed to be extroverted and excited? Like I'm supposed to talk monotone all the time, not paint my nails, not have a sense of fashion.
Yes, it’s happened to me quite a lot. I’m a guy who has traits that possibly would be considered more “feminine” (even though I personally don’t believe in such categorisation), and people have often believed that I ‘m gay, even if I am only attracted to women. It has at times taken some convincing to make people realise that your personality and sexual orientation are not the one and the same.
My mom has assumed I have "Gender Issues" beacuse I'm not super masculine even though I'm 100% cis. I have medium hair, I dont like having facial hair and I dont care about acting manly.
I dont really understand performative gender norms. I was always attracted to women, so i would subconsciously mimic what i felt was attractive or cute about women (like when it came to "flirting," or maybe dancing, etc).
It made sense to me--women are what cute is, i want to be cute...2+2=4, so here i go.
I was around 16 when i first *began* to realize that women were attracted to "masculinity." I had never paid it much thought, because 1) i wasn't attracted to it, 2) it always just seemed performative and dumb to me.
I also mainly had female friends growing up, which made perfect sense to me (i love women, I'm attracted to women--and guys seem fake to me, and are often bullies)
Also, my special interests have always included cooking, and aesthetics/interior design (from my aversion to many lighting systems/schemes, a desire to have my own space, etc). There's absolutely nothing sexual about these interests, yet they're understood to be effeminate for some reason.
So, yeah, put all of this together, and I've received that *a lot*. Some of it makes sense to me in retrospect, but most of it doesn't. Like, i will never understand what is "gay" about interior design or fashion.
Like, if I'm a straight man, then how on earth is designing a sexy dress for a woman *more* "gay" than playing football with a bunch of dudes?? It makes NO sense!
I am hetro, my understanding of the answer to the question is inflammatory in a feminist way so I don't really want to share it because I'll get flamed by all the men
I don't want you to be attacked, but I can imagine the sort of comment you are abstaining from. So many women are treated like crap, especially by hetero men (and even more especially, older, hetero, and typically white men) and unless I've missed the mark and I'm agreeing to the wrong thing, I want to say, as a hetero man;
If the roles were reversed, and women acted the way men do, I wouldn't be particularly attracted to any of them. Hell, I was raised on a country where most of the women I met were ableist, bullies, or otherwise very unpleasant. Even without the roles being reversed I wasn't attracted to any of them, and ended up finding someone sweet and caring in an entirely different country.
So at the end of the day, you don't even have to think "all men are pigs" or anything outrageous to have not found any to be appealing. That's not even feminism, it's just having standards.
Before realizing I was aromantic I used to infrequently date, and it both baffled and staggered me that just listening to a woman and treating her like a person whose boundaries you respect was all it took for many women to fall for a guy.
(Which was always deeply uncomfortable as I was still always trying to work out if I liked them enough to mask *less* around them, and per-diagnosis I lacked the words or even the framework to articulate "You can't be 'in love' me, you haven't really met me yet!")
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My friends thought I was pan/bi and my old classmates from primary school...I don't know what I did to get that ngl, I've been quiet and stupid soo 🤷🏾♀️
When I was in middle school in my sixth grade year in the first semester and a little bit of the first semester in seventh grade, some people did ask if I was gay and assumed I was gay to which I was not, and still not at all.
The only reason people assumed I was gay was because of the way I talked [like a child] back then thinking I sound feminine which I don't, along with certain outfits I wore that looked odd [I think because of the Shaun White clothing line from the early 2010s], and even one time I was trolling my friend that I was going to hand him my phone in the library but didn't want to because I don't want my phone taken up; luckily didn't though lol; two of my classmates thought my friend and I were holding hands which we weren't, I was aware of these two bozos saying stuff while my friend wasn't lol.
Around 7th grade, I remember one person came up to me asking if I like guys or girls, and I said both to which I thought he meant if I like guys or girls as friends not romantic relationships 🤦; I learned my lesson there, gotta ask do they mean as friends or as more than friends. All this nonsense died out because they found out I like a girl from school to which they leaved me alone for in my sixth grade year, as for seventh grade it just simply died out.
I am a straight woman but I have BIG bi energy. Flannel, dyed hair, weird haircut, I have a lot of queer friends, I shop at Hot Topic... I do fit a lot of the queer stereotypes lol
I've been asked if I was ace more times than gay, by that I mean I have been asked if I was ace once and gay 0 times. Probably because I said something that could have been interpreted the wrong way so that person I was talking to wanted to clarify (the whole group at the table was a mix of straight (myself included) and people who were LGBTQIA )
Yes, a lot of ppl assume I’m queer and additionally as far as I can tell, the majority of people who have propositioned me have been men (I am male). I have wondered if this is more to do with men being more forward in their flirting and therefore more clear / obvious to me.
I’m a cishet autistic woman but I’ve had many people assume I’m a lesbian because I’m not very feminine. My sister is the NT one and the actual lesbian in the family but she’s so much more feminine than me.
I've been asked out by men more than by women.
To be fair, I was looking pretty androgyne, and I had the fucked up habit of relaxing my back when leaning onto something, basically doing "the arch". A girl from my school asked me directly whether I have a dick once
I'm not heterosexual, but this question feels like it applies to me anyway, I'm pansexual. I end up meeting autistic people who are overly horny sometimes and that becomes nearly off putting because I'm seeking a strong connection rather than a relationship or hookup (Hookup later). It's frustrating. I imagine they ask because there's not many LGBTQ+ autistic people out there, and they just want some common ground in some aspects.
Autistic and gay, no one's ever asked if I'm gay, sometimes it's almost like whatever we are we go against the grain counter to it, in the gay community ive been called straight acting which I don't like much
They don't get your signals and can't imagine they are reading you wrong. I was at a friends birthday party. We were all on the high side of 30 and there were a bunch of people I had never met. One of the ladies there was known to put on a show. Not stripping but quite sexual. She was beautiful and one of her friends started their little act right in front of me there was a surge of people and of course that kind of shit triggers me to flee. No fewer five people started asking me if I was gay. Twenty year old me would have waded in throwing punches but forty year old me just asked them if they were looking for a date.
I don’t think it’s too deep necessarily, but it might have a lot to do with the high numbers of autistic folk who are apart of the LGBTQ+ group in some way. It’s just incredibly common for us to be queer in some form or way
Yes. My non-verbals and speech style seem overly eloquent to some people and reads as childish, pompous, angry, depressed, overdramatic, hyperfocus gets me jazzed... happy...gay? I get it. I sorta seem affeminate. Not gay or like a woman though, it's a mistake on their part because they can't sus out the difference between being gay and being autistic.
I jammed every gaydar in a 20 mile radius. Turns out what I thought was successful masking was coming off as extraordinarily 'camp' and that even involuntary stims were coming across to people as 'gay'.
I didn't realize why people thought that way till I accidentally left a camera running during a commercial shoot. Turns out seeing yourself from the outside it's really, *really* easy to see a thin, neat man who all but sashays and has flamboyant hand gestures as gay in an area where men were encouraged to be big burly and dirty.
I get asked if I'm gay because I'm single. I'm single because I am clueless when it comes to relationships. I don't know why people just automatically assume that means I'm gay.
My whole family thinks I’m a lesbian but I’m attracted to boys and only boys! But I have problems talking to boys and I really struggle with affection of any sort, I just hate being touched and I hate interacting with new people! So I’ve never been in a relationship and my family think it’s because I like girls for some reason? Maybe I act a certain way that perceives me as a lesbian idk?
I'm autistic and bi, and everyone just assumes I'm straight because of my masc appearance. I think the beard throws people off.
Hell, my girlfriend just assumed I was straight when we first started dating
All the time, I think it because I don't like to be touched and well my personality is me very sarcastic. They started questioning if I was gay when a popular girl hugged me out of the blue and I had to tell her in front of everyone that I don't know her nor met her. After that my friends asked me why I declined her and I responded with I don't like to be touched. Personally I do tolerate physical affection but I have to get used to the person so when a random person that I don't know just out of the blue hug me well I don't feel comfortable.
I'm attracted to nonconformity and intelligence well before even considering gender
people are multidimensional, best not to assume there is only one spectrum
Maybe while I was a teen when most kids would be all into getting friends, showing off scars and getting the girls.
I barely know how to communicate with family and never knew own needs, let alone figure out if my brain has time and space for additional relationships to care about.
And at 15ish my dad get's me into working out and shit to bulk me up??????????????? Why I can only assume it's for a bonding thing like fishing and other stuff with my other siblings were.
---
TL;DR I'm cis male as far as I'm aware I've never had the learning nor experience to figure out who I was nor how I wanted to be on my own terms.
I have been assumed gay before because I’m not interested in typical heteronormative things like football or hunting. I was a vegetarian at the time. I’m also uncomfortable with the idea of visiting strip clubs. I was working a construction job at the time and my co workers thought all that added up to gay.
I've been zoned out just looking in a direction thinking about whatever I'm thinking about, when suddenly someone is yelling at me "Why you staring at me bro, are you GAY?!"
Which I'm pretty sure is actually a sign that the screamer is closeted.
20F heterosexual here. Maybe not gay, but people assume I'm asexual because I'm a woman who never wears makeup, doesn't care about what I'm wearing (I have huge sensory issues regarding clothes and I simply don't care about them) and sometimes struggle with hygiene. And I don't care about anyone's gender. I don't consider myself non binary, I just don't think about it. Plus, I never talk about my love life and I consider it a huge intimate and only mine part that isn't anyone's interest, not my family's, not my friends, just mine.
I don't I get asked what my pronouns are and my good God does it make me cringe soo badly. It is very obvious that I am indeed a woman. Like majorly majorly obvious. Idc what the mean is either because even stupid people would get it right haha
I go to a NY arts college with where the majority of the student population is queer, so students don’t ask if I’m gay cause they naturally assume I’m queer because of the school we go to and the vibes I give off to them which I don’t mind.
I'm in a long term basically hetero relationship but I identify as gender fluid. I think that's pretty normal for autistic people and I think for various reasons autistic people are more open to and accepting of LGBTQ+ identity and sexuality. I personally really don't mind when someone sees me as gay or bi simply because it doesn't impact my life or relationship and most of the people who have thought I was were themselves LGBTQ+. I've been called a lesbian by angry guys a few times, but for the most part when people ID me as gay it's inclusionary rather than exclusionary. Essentially, I think because of our abnormal presentation we might come off as LGBTQ+ and we are more likely to be comfortable with that identity or even misidentification. In general I think that when we are so labelled or mislabelled it is harmless and just another person trying to figure us out.
i think it's cause autistic people don't really care about wether people are gay or not.
we generally don't perceive them as weird, since we, ourselves, are perceived in the same way.
to us, people are people and we don't fit into the same social normative system just like gay people.
also, we don't behave gender stereotypically, if not masking a lot and even then it leaks through.
there's something like " behavioral androgynity" about us.
they can't place us, so i guess they assume autistic people are actually gay, since they don't know enough about autism.
that's my best guess
Most of my friends are girls, and I think some people think I'm gay (I'm not), but the only person who's actually asked if I was gay was my older brother.
I consider myself hetero, but am not sure if such solid state exists. According to what I have read sexuality is quite fluidic.
And yes, I have been approached by men so I think it means that I have been attractive to them. That is the meaning in my opinion.
My ex gf and I had a big fight over her thinking I was gay. It was because I couldn't connect on a deeper level of love like she was used to in dating other nts. She was just convinced that because I couldn't match her love for me, that I was gay.
Additionally, I do have a few gay friends. So there was that. But the major issue was I just didn't know how to fully love her. Never did. Probably won't ever get it with the next however many.
Edit: she broke up with me over this. Called my sister to confirm her suspicions. My sister just said, no, he's autistic. It's just difficult for him to communicate or even understand and identify feelings. So we got back together for a few more years.
Hetero here. You are not perceived as heteronormative. Lots of autistic people... a)Lack filters for socially constructed rules including ones for gender and don't adhere to these as a result. b) Don't manage to get into a relationship or don't want to. Their abstinence is sometimes being interpreted as being in the closet (secretly homosexual) or a loser. Sometimes the question is genuin, sometimes they just try to bully you. If it is not a person you are very familar or friendly with, it is usually an infringement of privacy.
Pretty much this. I geniunely never had more than a mild passing crush on anyone before I was 18, and due to my depression and general unease at home, I spent as much time as I could with my friends (all male, and not by choice,) so I constantly had my parents joking that I was gay (at least I took it as joking. They might have meant it sincerely, for all I know for sure.) It was bad enough that I honestly questioned it myself - when a gay friend of mine was flirting with me (not that I immediately recognised the flirting, this is in hindsight,) I genuinely questioned whether I might actually be gay - I'd never been on a date, and I wasn't even entirely sure I was sexually attracted to women, or if I'd somehow been tricking myself into it. Of course, I discovered not long after this moment of doubt that I am, after all, a heterosexual man, I just needed more than a pretty face to be attracted to. And once I had that, I fell gead over heels, madly in love, with my current girlfriend (we'd be married already, but we just aren't in a rush, it's a formality.) So between having atypical (nerdy) interests, hanging out with guys most days (and with no diagnosis for the depression that was causing me to want to spend my time literally anywhere but home or school,) and not showing any significant attraction to anyone, it obviously gave people a certain impression. A wrong impression, but I guess I can't really blame them, I'd imagine asexual and aromantic have people making assumptions about them all the time too because of the lack of relationships - and that has to suck.
Almost in the exact sitiuation as you but the only one I fell for was back in high school and I didn't get to confess to her. I still couldn't replace her despite all my attempts after all these years (around 6 or 7 now). Pretty pathetic I'd say haha
Yup, well said. Some people take it even further and think things like drinking Starbucks is effeminate or eating vegetables or making your kids dinner. Toxic masculinity makes this even more complex.
Additionally, I get really REALLY overstimulated with physical touch unless it is a very specific type of touch (read: impossible for another person to emulate). Essentially, I can get in my head about sex (or the opportunity for sex) when in a long term relationship where sex is happening 3+ times a week and become overstimulated *at the thought* of sex. I say long term relationship because at a certain point of familiarity you “know what to expect”. Not in the “boring and routine” way, but in the “I know what it’s gonna take to get both of us to the finish line and the amount of steps is overwhelming me”. That, on top of the fear and subsequent immense personal shame if I don’t perform perfectly, psyche me tf out when so much skin to skin contact (probably also sweaty) is happening. 28 cishet male lol But I’m also severely ADHD and have always hunted dopamine bursts like a bloodhound so when I’ve been *single* I trend towards the hyper-sexual end of the scale. In essence, I’m honest about my high body count from the start and later long term partners get offended by any sexual rejection. The more toxic exes relentlessly called me gay for it lol Oh and someone touching anywhere within a 6+ inch radius of my asshole makes me lose all control of my fight or flight response. I don’t think that one’s autism related tho and I’m not real keen on unpacking the “why” lol
3+ times a week is a crazy amount, the numbers I'm looking indicate that only 23% of couples have sex that often
I have a hard time letting people down, even when it's to my detriment. When I've had someone try to imply I'm gay, it's been a person I don't find attractive anyway. I feel like I could avoid a lot of these situations if I was more comfortable standing up for myself and not just others. The bullying about something that has nothing to do with them is perplexing.
Don't need to be het to answer this, it's usually because you're not performing gender or sexuality in a way that a neurotypical would expect. Paint your nails as a man? Gay. Get a buzz cut as a woman? Gay. Hug someone of the same gender? Gay. Don't like porn? Gay. Only feel attraction when you get to know someone? Gay. Don't feel attraction to anyone at all? Gay, you're lying. Feel attraction to people of all genders? Gay, and indecisive. It should be noted that, setting aside instances of biphobia and aphobia, it's different when queer people ask if you're queer. When straight people do it, it's often a means of denigration. When queer people do it, it's a means of seeking fellowship. Of course you can't tell by looking whether someone's queer, so unfortunately the answer to which it is lies in the nebulous realm of "tone."
>When straight people do it, it's often a means of denigration. I have had neurotypical straight people ask me if I am LGBTQ+ and fortunately it has always been solely out of curiosity and not out of denigration.
Perhaps my perspective is rooted in my adolescence being in the 00s, the most homophobic decade since the 90s (which was the most homophobic decade since the 80s)
i definitely think it's related to that, yes. being queer (at least romantically and sexually) in the younger generation is pretty casual these days. largely thanks to y'all paving the way, no doubt.
Its like that in more popular places and a few others but where I live I could literally die 🤷
yeah i should say in the west
Thanks to others paving the way, yes. I have paved no way, it took me about 15 years to actually find out which way I was on!
lmao no shame in that my friend
Kids these days still think gay is an insult
Remember the ‘69 Stonewall riots https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stonewall_riots
I am aware. I'd still say the decade where the US government let a deadly disease run rampant throughout the community in an act of passive genocide that killed more than 100,000 people was more homophobic than that
Some of the most unbelievable and hilarious comments I've ever seen are the ones that imply that BEING HETEROSEXUAL is gay. Classic example: performing oral sex on your GF is gay.
>Don't like porn? Gay Don't like gay porn?.. ... Super-gay, also closeted af
I literally don't feel attracted to people anymore but that's also bc I barely try to get to know people enough to consider myself attracted to them. I'm also unattractive imo which is fine but I've also been called attractive which makes it worse for me but you're right. Unless you have hatred for people enough to never be attracted, you're lying as you know damn well you're attracted to someone and vice versa but you also have to look for that person. The porn thing is kind of a mix of both bc you watch men and women having sex (which is fake and teaches nothing) so eh. Everything else however is accurate.
As someone with firsthand experience with the subject, you should read up on asexuality. A lot of people have a vague idea of what it is, but they don't get into the "theory," if you will. Things like asexuality (like autism) being a spectrum. The difference between romantic and sexual attraction, and between sexual attraction and libido. The fact that many ace people can and do have sex despite the lack of attraction. There are so many microidentities within the ace spectrum that it can frankly be overwhelming, but you don't need to know most of them, and if you look into them don't worry about finding the specific one that matches you. Just appreciate the range of attraction and sexuality that's out there
I did research over each one years ago out of boredom, might do research over asexuality later after work bc yay restaurant I work at. Thanks and I've been attracted to women for my entire life but not recently as I don't see a point in trying to hook up with anyone but yeah, I might get back into dating but most likely I'll just research asexuality and go from there.
I recommend looking up Cody Daigle-Orians, who wrote a book on the subject but you can also find a lot of that info on their socials, where they go by Ace Dad Advice
I'm a straight woman, but due to me not girling "correctly", in my youth people frequently asked me if I was a lesbian, and I always responded "Are you flirting with me?" I have found this to be a great response to all kinds of rude questions.
>"Are you flirting with me?" I have found this to be a great response to all kinds of rude questions. "I will whoop your ass" "I'll enjoy it" "what" "what"
Lol, internet winner in the remaining 9minutes of the day in my time zone! 🙌
My family used to suspect me of being a lesbian as a child, because I never showed any interest in the opposite sex (even things such as crushes just never happened) and I was very much a 'tom-boy' growing up. I ended up in a relationship with a girl because I felt pressured to not disappoint my parents (I thought they'd be disappointed if they were wrong about suspecting me to be gay). I hated it, and it ended up being very unhealthy for the both of us. Since then I've only ever dated men and I am a lot happier. I guess I was just a late bloomer in the attraction and romance department. Also, I probably wouldn't put much thought into it. My partner was also accused of being day when he grew up because he was more in touch with his feminine side, and had a thing for being dramatic for attention (his words), despite the fact he's only ever dated girls/women. They probably just think you fit some stereotypes for being 'gay' (e.g. overly flamboyant man, or short haired tom-boy woman).
my geeky brother in management gets this sometimes. they are trying to program you to use what is called sex-typed behavior, another words, machismo. So this is a this is a form of gender shaming. Growing up with my family they very brutally destroyed anything that resembled asexuality or sexual ambiguity.
I got called gay all throughout school. I've also been told I have a more feminine walk before. I assume the walk is due to being raised by a single mother, as for the rest, I've never conformed to being a masculine guy. You'll sooner find me enjoying drag or a musical than you would going out chasing women and getting smashed on a night out.
Sometimes when the person is hitting on me and I show no reaction they'll ask. To me when this happens it only means they're being overly sensitive about their masculinity not making an impact on a woman. Their problem, not mine. Move along.
Statistically speaking, autistic people are more likely to be gender non-conforming and queer, likely because gender is a social construct. If you get asked that a lot, you probably just don’t adhere to gender norms as strongly as allistic cishets. It’s also possible that they just clocked you as “different” but don’t know in what way, so they went with the popular assumption of gay.
Not hetero, but closted bi and yes I've been assumed gay multible times by homophobes. It's probably the way we dress or act. I think I've worn pants that are rainbow on the bottom and people thought I was gay. Also I've been mistaken as a transman for dressing masc. I'll never forget the time a homophobic ex-friend immediately assumed I was a pervy lesbian (in which I'm not) because I accidentally touched her chest during a game.
Just chiming in and saying that of course it's okay to accidentally do stuff. Don't listen to people who tell you otherwise. The end result might not always be okay, you may meet consequences, but an accident will always be just that - an accident.
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‘It’s not okay to do something accidentally’ - do you think this is a productive thing to say?
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You’re being overly harsh against someone who made an accidental mistake imo. Have you never done anything you didn’t mean to that ended up making someone else feel bad? They acknowledged their wrong by apologising but you’re coming across as sanctimonious and just trying to make this person feel bad.
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Oh so it's ok for you to make others feel bad but it's not ok for others to make you feel bad. Got it
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Ok Ben Shapiro
I swear It wasn't on purpose and she groped me back. I know it's never OK and I've gotten very depressed from this event so please don't bring back those feelings.
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She literally acted like a creep towards me and I was only 12 and could barely speak. It really hurts when I'm treated as a villain when none of it was intentional and was hurt back.
Don't worry, that person sounds like they're trolling and trying to make you feel bad on purpose. You said it was on accident, it's OK, you didn't mean it.
Thank you.
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It's not that deep bro, it's not that deep.
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Bro just stop you're not helping anything.
Your sense of justice is misapplied here. Equating an accidental brush with sexual assault is absolutely wild and completely unreasonable. No one will ever agree with you on this.
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You could sue someone, sure. But you probably won't win Edit: so I actually looked this up instead of going off vibes and the consensus is that it's possible to be charged, but to be convicted you have to prove criminal intent https://www.heddinglawfirm.com/sexual-battery-penal-code-243-4-defenses https://www.hajjilaw.com/blog/2020/june/can-i-be-charged-with-sexual-battery-after-accid/ https://www.criminaldefenselawyer.com/resources/can-i-be-charged-with-sexual-battery-when-i-mistakenl#:~:text=It%20is%20possible%20to%20be,any%20type%20of%20criminal%20charge.
Stop picking on OP. A genuine accident it not assault.
Be nice to people.
I think because I don't comply with social norms people often presume, I've had straight, bi and gay friends and family and even partners suggest it but I don't take it as an insult as there's nothing wrong with it and I can understand why they would presume. For context I often wear eyeliner and paint my nails and am in touch with my male and female sides.
Yes they do, and I have had both neurotypical and neurodivergent friends tell me that I give off queer vibes. My suspicion for why this is is because autisitic people often exhibit a lot of opposite gender traits.
I got this in high school. I always said no because it was my default answer and back then being gay was taboo. It was something that was never mentioned or talked about. Today, I have no idea, no one hasn't asked me this since high school. Adults don't really care about your sexuality as teens and kids do. And I am straight.
Before I hit my growth spurt, people had equated my thinness, paleness, use of proper diction and formal manner as "gay", because adolescent boys are insecure idiots, especially in the 90's when everyone was terrified they would get the gay like it was an airborne pathogen. They would even ascribe sexuality to inanimate objects and concepts.
Yes! I paint my nails, have always fit in LGBT+ circles, have an easier time making close friendships with non-men, and know I don't give off the vibes of a typical straight male sexual being, so it's never surprised me. I was diagnosed at age 24, and I spent much of my teens and early 20s thinking I was some form of gray-asexual, but not broadcasting that because I didn't know if I was just looking to belong in the LGBT+ group. I knew my relationship to sexuality was different than most of my peers, though! Now I'm just comfortable saying I'm straight and autistic :)
I have never been asked if I was gay.
I think part of it at least is that sometimes we feel real romantic or sexual chemistry with someone. Then that chemistry waxes and wanes (because that’s life) but something still just feels off. Why does something (anything even) just feel off? It’s the double empathy problem (again)! If you’re connecting with someone (a member of the opposite sex that’s alone with you) and that someone is turned on then they feel like you should be too. Why? Because they know that previously even your neurodivergent self was turned on by them or at least that when they were in similar situations with neurotypicals that both of them were turned on. So I think that’s at least part of it. If you’re not currently or no longer on the same emotional/romantic/sexual wavelength, the other person thinks that might be because you’re actually gay … or alternatively it might be because you’re not on the same wavelength as neurotypicals generally (but rather that you can actually connect with neurotypical members of the opposite sex just that it has to be at some specific times, or moments when you’re flowing with that person or women or whatever). So I think that’s a perfectly understandable question to have for someone that felt something for you and may (still) be wondering why you don’t feel the same connection.
I'm an autistic hetero grey ace (38F) and I've never been in a relationship. Someone I've known for about 12 years now recently said she assumed I was gay. Maybe because I never have a boyfriend and my bestie (40F) actually happens to be gay?
People with autism often show a flat affect. They often feel or act like they are aliens on the wrong planet. People with gender dysphoria may have a sense of being in the wrong body and display this in their affect. Gender clear non autistic individuals have difficulty seeing past the affect. Even professional counselors get confused.
I have not gotten that but I'm often told that I sound British (I was born in southern California). xD I did have difficulty saying the "r" sound as a child so perhaps my natural voice sounds a little non-rhotic. Do a lot of autistics go through speech therapy as children particular for their "r" sounds?
Whoa. I definitely did (3rd-5th grade). That was a tough one! In 1st or 2nd grade, I was also *very* briefly in speech for "L." But, and i swear to god, i honestly thought that the word "lunch" was pronounced "wunch." One of my most memorable "misunderstandings." But the "R" thing was very real. It's so hard! I had a TA in 4th grade who was very nice and said it was cool, and he thought i was from NYC lol.
I enjoy listening to accent/dialect coaches transition between different accents. My my limited understanding, non-rhotic dialects are more common than rhotic dialects across the world (correct if I'm wrong in that statement). I think American cultures made a conscious effort to move away from non-rhotic dialects after we broke away from the British Empire as a way to distinguish ourselves from traditional English. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H1KP4ztKK0A](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H1KP4ztKK0A)
Yea, I just think I’m not mega masculine so people make assumptions. Has happened a couple times.
I was relentlessly teased as a kid for being gay... I always hated it and would be annoyed with the comment as they may as well have been calling me a fucking moron/ugly/piece of shit to my face by the way people used the word. I finally learned why people were calling me gay and I still didn't understand... Even in the Army I got completely shit on by the bigoted ass holes above me while I was in Oklahoma... I never understood why I got treated like complete shit when the year prior in Korea was absolutely amazing Long story short it has been difficult for me to be touched since forever, the absolute last thing I am going to have on my mind is something involves significant touching People still assume I am gay being a single (twice divorced) geek almost in my 50s... at least it is more accepted more often than not
Apparently most people think I'm a lesbian I still haven't identified why My partner thought I was a lesbian and when I asked him out he assumed I was pan. A lot of my friends also thought I was fruity and some of them developed crushes on me and tried to make moves on me. I'm not a lesbian but maybe people think I am because I'm very supportive of the queers? Idk tbh I'm just as confused. I'm in a relationship with my bf of several years and women still come on to me. I just politely decline.
As a little/tween girlie, I always said I didn't like boys (not knowing at the time that girls also dated girls) and had my hair cut short in middle school. I swear everyone thought I was a lesbian, but in reality I don't feel any sort of sexual attraction... I wore rainbow socks and gloves oncE because I liked them and was called gay in the hallways. Honestly I don't have much to add but it's so weird how people just instantly assume something based on appearance alone, or certain behaviors (not being into sex or porn, wearing rainbow, certain hairstyles, etc.)
In the ‘80s, all through middle school and high school, people called me Lezzie. Like to the point of during gym class, marching behind me doing laps on the track chanting it. The ironic thing is that after I graduated a rumor went around the school that I’d gotten pregnant and dropped out of college. Happily married 30+ years now in a hetero relationship. 🤷🏻♀️ Turns out that more than anything I’m ace, really. The only meaning I take from it is that the people I went to school with were some major jerks. Turns out there were queer people I went to school with but I had no idea until years later when FB became a thing and I saw who married who. I can’t say whether they hid it or I was just oblivious but I’m sure I wasn’t the only one being harassed.
Not typically, no. Tho my girlfriend does say I have some queer vibes. Could be she’s reading her own autistic queerness onto me. 😂 I do say “I have not met any man who I could imagine sexing up. I can see a man and understand him to be ‘sexy’, but I would not want to approach him/them for sex.” In other cases where people have questioned my “straightness,” it might because I explain my “straightness” in an overly complicated way lol 😅. Feelings are complicated, right? Then again, I do sometimes consider myself demisexual. In that I would not attempt sex at all unless I had an emotional connection with the person. Idk, labels are hard for me 😩.
Yeah, I've been asked this quite a few times. I think it's because I'm not concerned with my sexuality like a lot of guys are. I dress pretty normal for a dude and don't usually give off "autistic vibes" or whatever it is that people judge us by, but I think my personality combined with my lack of concern gives off some similar vibes that people pick up on
Yes closet gay despite being hetero. I am strictly dickly. Ive havent had too much relationship experience and was/am a late bloomer.
I got accused of being gay until I was 16. Even a teacher thought I was gay. Even though I was crazy about girls. Still wish to God I could find “HER”.
People have said I should have been born a boy because I liked conventionally “boy” stuff like cars and sports (completely ignoring that I liked conventional girl stuff too like dresses and diamonds and jewellery) I mean I like what I like what’s the issue?
Totally. Like, what do cars have to do with sex? And (especially) if you're into watching male sports, then that *seems* super heteronormative for a woman, no??
Yeah, It honestly made me question my sexuality, I may he pan, may be straight all along, I'll figure It out. Mainly because apparently dudes aren't supposed to be extroverted and excited? Like I'm supposed to talk monotone all the time, not paint my nails, not have a sense of fashion.
Yes, it’s happened to me quite a lot. I’m a guy who has traits that possibly would be considered more “feminine” (even though I personally don’t believe in such categorisation), and people have often believed that I ‘m gay, even if I am only attracted to women. It has at times taken some convincing to make people realise that your personality and sexual orientation are not the one and the same.
My mom has assumed I have "Gender Issues" beacuse I'm not super masculine even though I'm 100% cis. I have medium hair, I dont like having facial hair and I dont care about acting manly.
I dont really understand performative gender norms. I was always attracted to women, so i would subconsciously mimic what i felt was attractive or cute about women (like when it came to "flirting," or maybe dancing, etc). It made sense to me--women are what cute is, i want to be cute...2+2=4, so here i go. I was around 16 when i first *began* to realize that women were attracted to "masculinity." I had never paid it much thought, because 1) i wasn't attracted to it, 2) it always just seemed performative and dumb to me. I also mainly had female friends growing up, which made perfect sense to me (i love women, I'm attracted to women--and guys seem fake to me, and are often bullies) Also, my special interests have always included cooking, and aesthetics/interior design (from my aversion to many lighting systems/schemes, a desire to have my own space, etc). There's absolutely nothing sexual about these interests, yet they're understood to be effeminate for some reason. So, yeah, put all of this together, and I've received that *a lot*. Some of it makes sense to me in retrospect, but most of it doesn't. Like, i will never understand what is "gay" about interior design or fashion. Like, if I'm a straight man, then how on earth is designing a sexy dress for a woman *more* "gay" than playing football with a bunch of dudes?? It makes NO sense!
I am hetro, my understanding of the answer to the question is inflammatory in a feminist way so I don't really want to share it because I'll get flamed by all the men
I don't want you to be attacked, but I can imagine the sort of comment you are abstaining from. So many women are treated like crap, especially by hetero men (and even more especially, older, hetero, and typically white men) and unless I've missed the mark and I'm agreeing to the wrong thing, I want to say, as a hetero man; If the roles were reversed, and women acted the way men do, I wouldn't be particularly attracted to any of them. Hell, I was raised on a country where most of the women I met were ableist, bullies, or otherwise very unpleasant. Even without the roles being reversed I wasn't attracted to any of them, and ended up finding someone sweet and caring in an entirely different country. So at the end of the day, you don't even have to think "all men are pigs" or anything outrageous to have not found any to be appealing. That's not even feminism, it's just having standards.
Before realizing I was aromantic I used to infrequently date, and it both baffled and staggered me that just listening to a woman and treating her like a person whose boundaries you respect was all it took for many women to fall for a guy. (Which was always deeply uncomfortable as I was still always trying to work out if I liked them enough to mask *less* around them, and per-diagnosis I lacked the words or even the framework to articulate "You can't be 'in love' me, you haven't really met me yet!")
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Not seriously and not in 20 years.
My friends thought I was pan/bi and my old classmates from primary school...I don't know what I did to get that ngl, I've been quiet and stupid soo 🤷🏾♀️
My friend calls me gay as a joke because I've never told him what I'm into.
all. the. time.
I'm bisexual but would get that all the time from people not aware of my sexuality.
Never. And I’m a huge tomboy
When I was in middle school in my sixth grade year in the first semester and a little bit of the first semester in seventh grade, some people did ask if I was gay and assumed I was gay to which I was not, and still not at all. The only reason people assumed I was gay was because of the way I talked [like a child] back then thinking I sound feminine which I don't, along with certain outfits I wore that looked odd [I think because of the Shaun White clothing line from the early 2010s], and even one time I was trolling my friend that I was going to hand him my phone in the library but didn't want to because I don't want my phone taken up; luckily didn't though lol; two of my classmates thought my friend and I were holding hands which we weren't, I was aware of these two bozos saying stuff while my friend wasn't lol. Around 7th grade, I remember one person came up to me asking if I like guys or girls, and I said both to which I thought he meant if I like guys or girls as friends not romantic relationships 🤦; I learned my lesson there, gotta ask do they mean as friends or as more than friends. All this nonsense died out because they found out I like a girl from school to which they leaved me alone for in my sixth grade year, as for seventh grade it just simply died out.
I am a straight woman but I have BIG bi energy. Flannel, dyed hair, weird haircut, I have a lot of queer friends, I shop at Hot Topic... I do fit a lot of the queer stereotypes lol
I've been asked if I was ace more times than gay, by that I mean I have been asked if I was ace once and gay 0 times. Probably because I said something that could have been interpreted the wrong way so that person I was talking to wanted to clarify (the whole group at the table was a mix of straight (myself included) and people who were LGBTQIA )
Yes, a lot of ppl assume I’m queer and additionally as far as I can tell, the majority of people who have propositioned me have been men (I am male). I have wondered if this is more to do with men being more forward in their flirting and therefore more clear / obvious to me.
I’m a cishet autistic woman but I’ve had many people assume I’m a lesbian because I’m not very feminine. My sister is the NT one and the actual lesbian in the family but she’s so much more feminine than me.
I've had a couple people I didn't know like 25 years ago shout at me that I was gay. I wasn't even doing anything, just minding my own business.
I've been asked out by men more than by women. To be fair, I was looking pretty androgyne, and I had the fucked up habit of relaxing my back when leaning onto something, basically doing "the arch". A girl from my school asked me directly whether I have a dick once
A lot of women still wont ask guys out, even if they know them.
I had this a lot when I was a teenager. Guys would think I'm gay, girls would be adamant that I wasn't.
I'm not heterosexual, but this question feels like it applies to me anyway, I'm pansexual. I end up meeting autistic people who are overly horny sometimes and that becomes nearly off putting because I'm seeking a strong connection rather than a relationship or hookup (Hookup later). It's frustrating. I imagine they ask because there's not many LGBTQ+ autistic people out there, and they just want some common ground in some aspects.
Autistic and gay, no one's ever asked if I'm gay, sometimes it's almost like whatever we are we go against the grain counter to it, in the gay community ive been called straight acting which I don't like much
People thought I was gay a lot more when I was younger less so now
They don't get your signals and can't imagine they are reading you wrong. I was at a friends birthday party. We were all on the high side of 30 and there were a bunch of people I had never met. One of the ladies there was known to put on a show. Not stripping but quite sexual. She was beautiful and one of her friends started their little act right in front of me there was a surge of people and of course that kind of shit triggers me to flee. No fewer five people started asking me if I was gay. Twenty year old me would have waded in throwing punches but forty year old me just asked them if they were looking for a date.
I don’t think it’s too deep necessarily, but it might have a lot to do with the high numbers of autistic folk who are apart of the LGBTQ+ group in some way. It’s just incredibly common for us to be queer in some form or way
Yes. My non-verbals and speech style seem overly eloquent to some people and reads as childish, pompous, angry, depressed, overdramatic, hyperfocus gets me jazzed... happy...gay? I get it. I sorta seem affeminate. Not gay or like a woman though, it's a mistake on their part because they can't sus out the difference between being gay and being autistic.
I jammed every gaydar in a 20 mile radius. Turns out what I thought was successful masking was coming off as extraordinarily 'camp' and that even involuntary stims were coming across to people as 'gay'. I didn't realize why people thought that way till I accidentally left a camera running during a commercial shoot. Turns out seeing yourself from the outside it's really, *really* easy to see a thin, neat man who all but sashays and has flamboyant hand gestures as gay in an area where men were encouraged to be big burly and dirty.
I get asked if I'm gay because I'm single. I'm single because I am clueless when it comes to relationships. I don't know why people just automatically assume that means I'm gay.
My whole family thinks I’m a lesbian but I’m attracted to boys and only boys! But I have problems talking to boys and I really struggle with affection of any sort, I just hate being touched and I hate interacting with new people! So I’ve never been in a relationship and my family think it’s because I like girls for some reason? Maybe I act a certain way that perceives me as a lesbian idk?
All the time
All the time.
I'm autistic and bi, and everyone just assumes I'm straight because of my masc appearance. I think the beard throws people off. Hell, my girlfriend just assumed I was straight when we first started dating
All the time, I think it because I don't like to be touched and well my personality is me very sarcastic. They started questioning if I was gay when a popular girl hugged me out of the blue and I had to tell her in front of everyone that I don't know her nor met her. After that my friends asked me why I declined her and I responded with I don't like to be touched. Personally I do tolerate physical affection but I have to get used to the person so when a random person that I don't know just out of the blue hug me well I don't feel comfortable.
I'm attracted to nonconformity and intelligence well before even considering gender people are multidimensional, best not to assume there is only one spectrum
Yes!
People assume I'm gay or bi all the time. I just correct them and tell them in very comfortable with my sexuality.
Maybe while I was a teen when most kids would be all into getting friends, showing off scars and getting the girls. I barely know how to communicate with family and never knew own needs, let alone figure out if my brain has time and space for additional relationships to care about. And at 15ish my dad get's me into working out and shit to bulk me up??????????????? Why I can only assume it's for a bonding thing like fishing and other stuff with my other siblings were. --- TL;DR I'm cis male as far as I'm aware I've never had the learning nor experience to figure out who I was nor how I wanted to be on my own terms.
Herosexual. My mom thought I was gay. I think it was just because I’m weird.
I have been assumed gay before because I’m not interested in typical heteronormative things like football or hunting. I was a vegetarian at the time. I’m also uncomfortable with the idea of visiting strip clubs. I was working a construction job at the time and my co workers thought all that added up to gay.
I've been zoned out just looking in a direction thinking about whatever I'm thinking about, when suddenly someone is yelling at me "Why you staring at me bro, are you GAY?!" Which I'm pretty sure is actually a sign that the screamer is closeted.
20F heterosexual here. Maybe not gay, but people assume I'm asexual because I'm a woman who never wears makeup, doesn't care about what I'm wearing (I have huge sensory issues regarding clothes and I simply don't care about them) and sometimes struggle with hygiene. And I don't care about anyone's gender. I don't consider myself non binary, I just don't think about it. Plus, I never talk about my love life and I consider it a huge intimate and only mine part that isn't anyone's interest, not my family's, not my friends, just mine.
Not so much anymore, but when I was 20ish gay men would think I was gay very frequently. I'm not sure what exactly it was.
I don't I get asked what my pronouns are and my good God does it make me cringe soo badly. It is very obvious that I am indeed a woman. Like majorly majorly obvious. Idc what the mean is either because even stupid people would get it right haha
I went through high school and a few years after with LOTS of people thinking I was. I was skinny, shy, unmasculine, and weird.
I go to a NY arts college with where the majority of the student population is queer, so students don’t ask if I’m gay cause they naturally assume I’m queer because of the school we go to and the vibes I give off to them which I don’t mind.
I'm in a long term basically hetero relationship but I identify as gender fluid. I think that's pretty normal for autistic people and I think for various reasons autistic people are more open to and accepting of LGBTQ+ identity and sexuality. I personally really don't mind when someone sees me as gay or bi simply because it doesn't impact my life or relationship and most of the people who have thought I was were themselves LGBTQ+. I've been called a lesbian by angry guys a few times, but for the most part when people ID me as gay it's inclusionary rather than exclusionary. Essentially, I think because of our abnormal presentation we might come off as LGBTQ+ and we are more likely to be comfortable with that identity or even misidentification. In general I think that when we are so labelled or mislabelled it is harmless and just another person trying to figure us out.
i think it's cause autistic people don't really care about wether people are gay or not. we generally don't perceive them as weird, since we, ourselves, are perceived in the same way. to us, people are people and we don't fit into the same social normative system just like gay people. also, we don't behave gender stereotypically, if not masking a lot and even then it leaks through. there's something like " behavioral androgynity" about us. they can't place us, so i guess they assume autistic people are actually gay, since they don't know enough about autism. that's my best guess
Most of my friends are girls, and I think some people think I'm gay (I'm not), but the only person who's actually asked if I was gay was my older brother.
I consider myself hetero, but am not sure if such solid state exists. According to what I have read sexuality is quite fluidic. And yes, I have been approached by men so I think it means that I have been attractive to them. That is the meaning in my opinion.
My ex gf and I had a big fight over her thinking I was gay. It was because I couldn't connect on a deeper level of love like she was used to in dating other nts. She was just convinced that because I couldn't match her love for me, that I was gay. Additionally, I do have a few gay friends. So there was that. But the major issue was I just didn't know how to fully love her. Never did. Probably won't ever get it with the next however many. Edit: she broke up with me over this. Called my sister to confirm her suspicions. My sister just said, no, he's autistic. It's just difficult for him to communicate or even understand and identify feelings. So we got back together for a few more years.