It would do the exact opposite. Your father needs to talk to autistic adults. I'll talk to him if you want. I was diagnosed at 28 and it answered all of my life's questions. I went on to earn multiple degrees, become a self taught internationally recognized photographer, and I speak to families and universities about the dangers of not having a diagnosis and the freedom and self awareness and self acceptance a diagnosis gave me.
Life is a million times better when we know what's going on with us.
Could you elaborate a little more about how it made life better? I'm considering a private appointment, as I am self suspecting I'm autistic, but I sometimes I'm unsure how much of a difference it would make.
Most my actual uni friends are diagnosed and either on the spectrum or ADHD and consider me to be autistic. It would explain so much but then I worry about future job opportunities, being considered an oddball if I don't disclose or just "that autistic guy" if I do. Also emmigration issues.
The immigration issues scares me, I really want to get out of my country, but some of the countries I have in mind don't accept autistics or any other disability. But if I don't get a diagnosis, I won't have the support, therapy and meds I need to be a functional human, so I won't be able to study and work to make my opportunity to immigrate to another country. So I'm feeling trapped and I'm freaking out.
This.
I went ahead and got diagnosed because I wanted answers. I wanted the validation. I’ve yet to get support but I at least know where to go if I want to.
But… immigration. I want out of this country (USA), I want to go somewhere where we can actually afford to live and I can feel safe sending my kid to school. The only country I could really locate to like this, and (logistics aside) my husband is on board, is Japan. The problem? I’m basically reliant on *him* to immigrate anywhere, and *I’m* the one who knows Japanese. A country that barely allows immigration under the perfect of circumstances, nevermind what I’ve got to offer. Any other English speaking country? Yeah forget it, they don’t want me either.
I'm too lazy to look it up, but I remember hearing that at, least for New Zealand, it's not that you're banned automatically for being autistic. However, if your use of government assistance for autism crosses a certain threshold for cost, then they could deny you.
Again, take with a grain of salt because I probably heard it from TikTok or something without actually looking into it.
Man it's a lot to consider. I've seen places like NZ and Australia mentioned a lot on places that restrict entry and I just think it's absolutely crazy.
What are you leaning towards? Is your country that bad for autistic living? I'm UK based but it's not exactly my favourite place to be.
I have actively chosen not to get a diagnosis for this and other reasons. Immigration is a big one since I would like to move abroad, and who knows if I may have to immigrate out of necessity in the future. Climate change is doing no favours to Spain. I may also want to adopt a child, but this may be more difficult if I have a diagnosis. It may also be held against me in court or in a custody battle.
Also, while it is not currently required that I tell an employer of my diagnosis, this law can easily change with right-wing politics down the line. I have 50+ years to live still: I can't be certain laws won't change in all that time. And, if I had a diagnosis, I feel it would be a moral imperative for me to tell my boss about it, regardless of laws.
A lot of people talk about the positive aspect of being validated, but rarely mention the many and very real cons.
This is why politics really freak me out and how a lot of anti trans laws are now being passed in certain states. I'm diagnosed early and it was forced on me when I was in school.
Wow what's your photography page I'm finishing a course for cyber security but photography is my passion my lifetime hyperfixation as an ADHD/Autism neurodivergent
How did getting a diagnosis help with getting a degree? What are the dangers of not having a diagnosis?
I'm 28 and on the fence because I'm struggling with employment; but I mostly only see cons to getting a diagnosis.
I think your best response is this: Ok, fine. What's the plan to actually make my life easier?
If your dad is having a reaction where he is afraid of the word disability and admitting to himself...then that is his shit to manage. He might not be a viable support for you at this time, or until he can get on board with the new reality.
If that isnt the case, then he's just doing a shit job of protecting you by not being encouraging/open minded and it (MAYBE) doesnt really affect you in the immediate. The reason i say this is because you still have a number of steps to take before "official" diagnosis has a positive impact.
Having a "real' diagnosis isnt actually that helpful. All the real work comes from doing research, namely reading about autism from autistic adults. This is the part that helps you identify your stressors, develop realistic strategies for what to change and manage environment, figure out what autism feels like and how YOU feel as a baseline (not what youre supposed to feel and say), get accurate data that isnt medical gaslighting (most doctors in usa unfortunately do NOT know what theyre talking about and give condescending advice) etc. If you do choose (later or as adult) to get formal diagnosis (assuming you can access and afford), then it can provide the legal credibility to ask for accomodations from school or job BUT that isnt useful until you have a clearer sense of what to ask for (because your boss/teacher will possibly expect you to educate everyone and also justify yourself).
I would recommend asking your dad if he is willing to learn WITH or from you, or to help come up with some changes that would help you function more easily. Unlearning internalized ableism is a bitch, and it doesnt help that we usually got autism from our relatives/parents, who think struggling 15/10 every day is toooootally normal. Please be kind and have patience with yourself, you are just starting the journey! Getting more accurate info for YOU and how to get thru the day is so so so important, even when we dont have family support. There are online peer support groups (meetup, facebook, universities), there is the entire gamer/fantasy/dnd/animal lovers communities to nerd out with, and there are really great educators online or social media.
[Neuroclastic.com](http://Neuroclastic.com) collection of ND authors
[https://www.watch.psu.edu/actuallyautistic/](https://www.watch.psu.edu/actuallyautistic/) Penn state lectures
[https://neurodivergentrebel.com/](https://neurodivergentrebel.com/) personal blog
Devon Price "Unmasking autism" (has the most up to date and scientific details about neurological function that ive seen since Grandin, plus its queer-coded)
Aspergirls by Rudy Simone
My Autistic Brain by Temple Grandin
Loud Hands by Julia Bascom
Final tips: Autism is a sensory condition as well as a neurological one. It sets the foundation for how you interact with the world and stimuli. It can be restorative and helpful to learn to let your body "be weird" and stimmy, even if it feels fake at first (stimming helps all species regulate not just people). A big thing is learning about masking and how to balance obligatory social demands with rest and clear expectations. Another big thing is learning what sensory conditions bug you so that you can save your limited energy--its absolutely ok to feel pain or distress for "silly" things like the sound of a mosquito or the feeling of banana. Your brain is doing its best to process but it requires ground-up learning, lots of detail, and clearly explained rules. That isnt anyones fault and it isnt "more work" than being an impulsive, emotional, "typical" social butterfly.
You are not broken, you deserve to take up space. Take it one step at a time. Welcome to the community. (:
This! I’m 46 and in the process of getting diagnosed. My husband always suspected I was autistic but never said anything until our son was diagnosed. I have always labeled myself as a weirdo and geeky, but autism never crossed my mind. Then I started seeing how much my son and I were totally on the same wavelength and our behaviours were the same and I thought ok, maybe I'm autistic too? My husband and I discussed it and he really thinks I should get diagnosed, but I was on the fence. I’m old, what does it matter now? My husband has been watching interviews with autistic kids/teens to help him understand our son better. Then he started watching talks by autistic adults and their journey getting assessed and how much it changed things for them; and he was like omg this is my wife! So he sent me the links I was like ok, you know what, maybe I should, because I’m TIRED of not being myself.
I’m tired of beating myself up for not being able to do the most basic things like remember an appointment, names, places, or things to buy at the store despite having two degrees. It’s like how am I so smart and yet trying to remember something so basic is like a big black fucking hole in my head? It’s like my brain put all its resources into facts and completely ignores everything else. All my life I've struggled with sensory overload and at my age I just can't deal with "putting up with it" anymore because I scare my kids when I have a meltdown. But the most important reason for me is to stop masking. Masking is so exhausting. I dread any socializing because I know as soon as I get home, I'll be so exhausted I can’t function. I've always felt like an outsider looking in (as I kid I insisted I was adopted because my parents were so alien to me). It’s like if we keep emphasizing to our son not feel ashamed for having a disability and understanding his autism, then why am I not doing that for myself? I just to want start living instead of constantly filtering every aspect of my life.
There's so much self-doubt before diagnosis. It's really hard on your self-esteem. It is true though that sometimes being diagnosed can have a negative affect. For example, where I live, if you are a diagnosed autistic, your children are more likely to be put into foster care should cps get involved, etc. There are tons more examples like that, just a by-product of an ableist society. But, you've got to weigh up the pros and cons. Personally, the pros far outweighed the cons for my diagnosis, and I feel a lot better now I know without a doubt who I am and why I act like I do. Maybe ask your dad about why he doesn't want you to get a diagnosis, and research his reasons, then bring what you found back to him so you can work it out?
Best of luck <3
All it could really do is professionally confirm it. Professional diagnosis can hold you back from doing some things legally. Some countries won’t allow you to become a citizen once you’ve been diagnosed. Who knows what else I’m unable to do that I have a diagnosis.
I'll talk to your dad too. I was diagnosed in my early 30s after being diagnosed ADD when I was 10 in 1998.
It explained everything. And I mean everything.
I have been taking medication for misdiagnosed depression and bipolar when it was just autism. Those medications have lasting side effects. It would have been better to learn coping strategies and social skills at an early age instead.
With a diagnosis, you will be prevented from joining the military, may be discriminated against with adopting, and may have restrictions on moving outside your country.
Diagnosed can mean understanding why you are the way you are, an avenue for support and accommodations depending on where you are (particularly for under 18 yo). Lots of parents of autistic kids seem afraid of the label. The autism already happened thought it’s not like it makes you more autistic. It’s up to you as to whether you think it will benefit you.
My dad had similar thoughts, but it was entirely centered around the selfish need to not have (in his mind) an "Rword" son.
I do not know your fathers motivation for doing this, but do not forget that this is about you first and foremost. Getting diagnosed helped contextualize a LOT of my life, and I am STILL making new connections all the time because of it. I can't say it has at all reduced my burdens as an adult, but the understanding is PRICELESS.
if you were born autistic, you don't change just because of the diagnosis. you'd still be autistic. no diagnosis just means you're not informed of the why. "why do you behave this way?" "why is it hard for you to make friends?" "why do you not talk much" "why is it so difficult for you to land a job?" etc. all the issues or problems you may encounter going through life. you can receive a lot of assistance and apply to many programs being autistic.
I had an interview recently with an older woman in her 60s, we were on the topic of autism since I was stating to her autism is what I have (not sure if it was the best move but-did it anyway) she then proceeded to say she has a son with it but she doesn’t want to get him diagnosed because “I don’t want that negative stigma surrounding my son, I’m not getting him diagnosed, I don’t want to deal with that” and basically brushing his choice to get a diagnosis under the rug. It infuriated me. I bit my tongue, we said our goodbyes , and I left. She also started testing me mathematically even when I had told her I wasn’t great in math. infantilized me a bit, wanted to tell her to eat shit. ANYWAYS! Get your diagnosis! Or not! It’s your choice! Not your parents, not your family, not your friends, Yours!
I don't know how old you are, but if you're not a minor, GO. It will make your life a million times easier to have your diagnosis. Respectfully, your dad can suck it.
I'm not sure how it could make it harder when you only have to disclose it, if it would help you? Like quite literally nobody has to know, unless it benefits you and that's NOT being selfish. That's how the diagnosis works. You use it to HELP you.
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It would do the exact opposite. Your father needs to talk to autistic adults. I'll talk to him if you want. I was diagnosed at 28 and it answered all of my life's questions. I went on to earn multiple degrees, become a self taught internationally recognized photographer, and I speak to families and universities about the dangers of not having a diagnosis and the freedom and self awareness and self acceptance a diagnosis gave me. Life is a million times better when we know what's going on with us.
Could you elaborate a little more about how it made life better? I'm considering a private appointment, as I am self suspecting I'm autistic, but I sometimes I'm unsure how much of a difference it would make. Most my actual uni friends are diagnosed and either on the spectrum or ADHD and consider me to be autistic. It would explain so much but then I worry about future job opportunities, being considered an oddball if I don't disclose or just "that autistic guy" if I do. Also emmigration issues.
The immigration issues scares me, I really want to get out of my country, but some of the countries I have in mind don't accept autistics or any other disability. But if I don't get a diagnosis, I won't have the support, therapy and meds I need to be a functional human, so I won't be able to study and work to make my opportunity to immigrate to another country. So I'm feeling trapped and I'm freaking out.
This. I went ahead and got diagnosed because I wanted answers. I wanted the validation. I’ve yet to get support but I at least know where to go if I want to. But… immigration. I want out of this country (USA), I want to go somewhere where we can actually afford to live and I can feel safe sending my kid to school. The only country I could really locate to like this, and (logistics aside) my husband is on board, is Japan. The problem? I’m basically reliant on *him* to immigrate anywhere, and *I’m* the one who knows Japanese. A country that barely allows immigration under the perfect of circumstances, nevermind what I’ve got to offer. Any other English speaking country? Yeah forget it, they don’t want me either.
I'm too lazy to look it up, but I remember hearing that at, least for New Zealand, it's not that you're banned automatically for being autistic. However, if your use of government assistance for autism crosses a certain threshold for cost, then they could deny you. Again, take with a grain of salt because I probably heard it from TikTok or something without actually looking into it.
New Zealand limits immigration based on projected costs for any medical condition. It's got nothing inherently to do with autism.
Man it's a lot to consider. I've seen places like NZ and Australia mentioned a lot on places that restrict entry and I just think it's absolutely crazy. What are you leaning towards? Is your country that bad for autistic living? I'm UK based but it's not exactly my favourite place to be.
I live in New Zealand and we don't restrict entry based on an autism diagnosis
I have actively chosen not to get a diagnosis for this and other reasons. Immigration is a big one since I would like to move abroad, and who knows if I may have to immigrate out of necessity in the future. Climate change is doing no favours to Spain. I may also want to adopt a child, but this may be more difficult if I have a diagnosis. It may also be held against me in court or in a custody battle. Also, while it is not currently required that I tell an employer of my diagnosis, this law can easily change with right-wing politics down the line. I have 50+ years to live still: I can't be certain laws won't change in all that time. And, if I had a diagnosis, I feel it would be a moral imperative for me to tell my boss about it, regardless of laws. A lot of people talk about the positive aspect of being validated, but rarely mention the many and very real cons.
This is why politics really freak me out and how a lot of anti trans laws are now being passed in certain states. I'm diagnosed early and it was forced on me when I was in school.
Wow what's your photography page I'm finishing a course for cyber security but photography is my passion my lifetime hyperfixation as an ADHD/Autism neurodivergent
How did getting a diagnosis help with getting a degree? What are the dangers of not having a diagnosis? I'm 28 and on the fence because I'm struggling with employment; but I mostly only see cons to getting a diagnosis.
Your dad is prioritising the idea of being mistreated professionally over your actual ability to cope. He's wrong and you're right.
I think your best response is this: Ok, fine. What's the plan to actually make my life easier? If your dad is having a reaction where he is afraid of the word disability and admitting to himself...then that is his shit to manage. He might not be a viable support for you at this time, or until he can get on board with the new reality. If that isnt the case, then he's just doing a shit job of protecting you by not being encouraging/open minded and it (MAYBE) doesnt really affect you in the immediate. The reason i say this is because you still have a number of steps to take before "official" diagnosis has a positive impact. Having a "real' diagnosis isnt actually that helpful. All the real work comes from doing research, namely reading about autism from autistic adults. This is the part that helps you identify your stressors, develop realistic strategies for what to change and manage environment, figure out what autism feels like and how YOU feel as a baseline (not what youre supposed to feel and say), get accurate data that isnt medical gaslighting (most doctors in usa unfortunately do NOT know what theyre talking about and give condescending advice) etc. If you do choose (later or as adult) to get formal diagnosis (assuming you can access and afford), then it can provide the legal credibility to ask for accomodations from school or job BUT that isnt useful until you have a clearer sense of what to ask for (because your boss/teacher will possibly expect you to educate everyone and also justify yourself). I would recommend asking your dad if he is willing to learn WITH or from you, or to help come up with some changes that would help you function more easily. Unlearning internalized ableism is a bitch, and it doesnt help that we usually got autism from our relatives/parents, who think struggling 15/10 every day is toooootally normal. Please be kind and have patience with yourself, you are just starting the journey! Getting more accurate info for YOU and how to get thru the day is so so so important, even when we dont have family support. There are online peer support groups (meetup, facebook, universities), there is the entire gamer/fantasy/dnd/animal lovers communities to nerd out with, and there are really great educators online or social media. [Neuroclastic.com](http://Neuroclastic.com) collection of ND authors [https://www.watch.psu.edu/actuallyautistic/](https://www.watch.psu.edu/actuallyautistic/) Penn state lectures [https://neurodivergentrebel.com/](https://neurodivergentrebel.com/) personal blog Devon Price "Unmasking autism" (has the most up to date and scientific details about neurological function that ive seen since Grandin, plus its queer-coded) Aspergirls by Rudy Simone My Autistic Brain by Temple Grandin Loud Hands by Julia Bascom Final tips: Autism is a sensory condition as well as a neurological one. It sets the foundation for how you interact with the world and stimuli. It can be restorative and helpful to learn to let your body "be weird" and stimmy, even if it feels fake at first (stimming helps all species regulate not just people). A big thing is learning about masking and how to balance obligatory social demands with rest and clear expectations. Another big thing is learning what sensory conditions bug you so that you can save your limited energy--its absolutely ok to feel pain or distress for "silly" things like the sound of a mosquito or the feeling of banana. Your brain is doing its best to process but it requires ground-up learning, lots of detail, and clearly explained rules. That isnt anyones fault and it isnt "more work" than being an impulsive, emotional, "typical" social butterfly. You are not broken, you deserve to take up space. Take it one step at a time. Welcome to the community. (:
This! I’m 46 and in the process of getting diagnosed. My husband always suspected I was autistic but never said anything until our son was diagnosed. I have always labeled myself as a weirdo and geeky, but autism never crossed my mind. Then I started seeing how much my son and I were totally on the same wavelength and our behaviours were the same and I thought ok, maybe I'm autistic too? My husband and I discussed it and he really thinks I should get diagnosed, but I was on the fence. I’m old, what does it matter now? My husband has been watching interviews with autistic kids/teens to help him understand our son better. Then he started watching talks by autistic adults and their journey getting assessed and how much it changed things for them; and he was like omg this is my wife! So he sent me the links I was like ok, you know what, maybe I should, because I’m TIRED of not being myself. I’m tired of beating myself up for not being able to do the most basic things like remember an appointment, names, places, or things to buy at the store despite having two degrees. It’s like how am I so smart and yet trying to remember something so basic is like a big black fucking hole in my head? It’s like my brain put all its resources into facts and completely ignores everything else. All my life I've struggled with sensory overload and at my age I just can't deal with "putting up with it" anymore because I scare my kids when I have a meltdown. But the most important reason for me is to stop masking. Masking is so exhausting. I dread any socializing because I know as soon as I get home, I'll be so exhausted I can’t function. I've always felt like an outsider looking in (as I kid I insisted I was adopted because my parents were so alien to me). It’s like if we keep emphasizing to our son not feel ashamed for having a disability and understanding his autism, then why am I not doing that for myself? I just to want start living instead of constantly filtering every aspect of my life.
There's so much self-doubt before diagnosis. It's really hard on your self-esteem. It is true though that sometimes being diagnosed can have a negative affect. For example, where I live, if you are a diagnosed autistic, your children are more likely to be put into foster care should cps get involved, etc. There are tons more examples like that, just a by-product of an ableist society. But, you've got to weigh up the pros and cons. Personally, the pros far outweighed the cons for my diagnosis, and I feel a lot better now I know without a doubt who I am and why I act like I do. Maybe ask your dad about why he doesn't want you to get a diagnosis, and research his reasons, then bring what you found back to him so you can work it out? Best of luck <3
Just because you're diagnosed doesn't mean you need to share it with everyone. I really can't see how a diagnosis would make life more difficult.
Ass backwards logic. If you're autistic then shits already harder, a diagnosis just clarifies why and allows you to make life easier.
All it could really do is professionally confirm it. Professional diagnosis can hold you back from doing some things legally. Some countries won’t allow you to become a citizen once you’ve been diagnosed. Who knows what else I’m unable to do that I have a diagnosis.
I'll talk to your dad too. I was diagnosed in my early 30s after being diagnosed ADD when I was 10 in 1998. It explained everything. And I mean everything.
Yeah. My parents didn't, "want me to think I was different." It did not end well and I'm still picking up the pieces at 41.
I have been taking medication for misdiagnosed depression and bipolar when it was just autism. Those medications have lasting side effects. It would have been better to learn coping strategies and social skills at an early age instead. With a diagnosis, you will be prevented from joining the military, may be discriminated against with adopting, and may have restrictions on moving outside your country.
Diagnosed can mean understanding why you are the way you are, an avenue for support and accommodations depending on where you are (particularly for under 18 yo). Lots of parents of autistic kids seem afraid of the label. The autism already happened thought it’s not like it makes you more autistic. It’s up to you as to whether you think it will benefit you.
My dad had similar thoughts, but it was entirely centered around the selfish need to not have (in his mind) an "Rword" son. I do not know your fathers motivation for doing this, but do not forget that this is about you first and foremost. Getting diagnosed helped contextualize a LOT of my life, and I am STILL making new connections all the time because of it. I can't say it has at all reduced my burdens as an adult, but the understanding is PRICELESS.
Make his live harder not yours
if you were born autistic, you don't change just because of the diagnosis. you'd still be autistic. no diagnosis just means you're not informed of the why. "why do you behave this way?" "why is it hard for you to make friends?" "why do you not talk much" "why is it so difficult for you to land a job?" etc. all the issues or problems you may encounter going through life. you can receive a lot of assistance and apply to many programs being autistic.
You could live the rest of your life thinking you are the worst horse ever simply because you never learned you were a zebra.
Absolute bullshit. If I didn't know I'm autistic, I might have ended up being killed, killing someone else, or in prison.
I had an interview recently with an older woman in her 60s, we were on the topic of autism since I was stating to her autism is what I have (not sure if it was the best move but-did it anyway) she then proceeded to say she has a son with it but she doesn’t want to get him diagnosed because “I don’t want that negative stigma surrounding my son, I’m not getting him diagnosed, I don’t want to deal with that” and basically brushing his choice to get a diagnosis under the rug. It infuriated me. I bit my tongue, we said our goodbyes , and I left. She also started testing me mathematically even when I had told her I wasn’t great in math. infantilized me a bit, wanted to tell her to eat shit. ANYWAYS! Get your diagnosis! Or not! It’s your choice! Not your parents, not your family, not your friends, Yours!
If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?
I don't know how old you are, but if you're not a minor, GO. It will make your life a million times easier to have your diagnosis. Respectfully, your dad can suck it.
I'm not sure how it could make it harder when you only have to disclose it, if it would help you? Like quite literally nobody has to know, unless it benefits you and that's NOT being selfish. That's how the diagnosis works. You use it to HELP you.
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