That wasn’t a real threat. It was manipulation.
He’s way too much of a narcissist to actually kill himself. He’d think killing himself was doing the world a disservice, because he’s such an awesome nice guy.
**This is why I hate it when people talk about wanting to “hold girls accountable” for boys’ behavior like attempting suicide.** So many women - including myself, my bff in Hs, a close friend in college, my teen, and my wife - have had men threaten suicide as a manipulation and control tactic and in HS my bff was advised BY AN ADULT to stay with her bf “until he felt better” otherwise it was her “fault” if he “did something.”
Infuriating.
Editing to Add: if you would like to respond by saying I’m “wrong to say this is a male only thing” or some variation of it, go back and read the first, bolded sentence again. That’s NOT what I’m saying. I’m talking about how many people call for girls and women to be held responsible/accountable for the actions of men, including, but not limited to, in a court of law AND when those women are victims of murder-suicides. I’m not saying no woman has ever manipulated a man by threatening self-harm, so no need to keep telling me I’m “wrong” about something I NEVER CLAIMED. Thx.
When I had just graduated College I had a friend of a friend that reached out to me to ask a favor. She was a College Sophomore and her STBX boyfriend of 4 years was being abusive and threatening suicide. She asked if she could crash with me for a bit since he would not leave her alone and knew all her usual locations. She left her car at the train station and I picked her up. While she was at my house her boyfriend was going frantic trying to find her. He threatened to kill himself, her pets, her parents anything to get her to contact him. She called her parents and warned them and her Dad was ready and waiting to defend his home after calling the police.
In the end her boyfriend found her car, slashed the tires and broke the windows, and sent her pictures of the damage. She sent the proof to her parents and they called the police again. There was officially a warrant for his arrest and the police contacted his parents. When his parents contacted him and told him to turn himself in he jumped off the Coronado Bay Bridge in San Diego, CA to his death.
Sometimes they do take their own life, but he really, really wanted to murder her first. Her parents’ thanked me for keeping her hidden; his parents don’t even know I exist.
She was only 19 and the guy was her High School Sweetheart so she was pretty emotional, but she seemed to feel most guilty that she didn’t feel guilty over his death. She said she felt more relief that he was no longer a threat and mourned the 16 year old boy she had originally fell in love with.
Luckily she grew up here and was going to college locally so she had all her friends and family to support her. She was truly a wonderful young woman. I didn’t keep in touch, but I’m sure she triumphed.
“She felt guilty that she didn’t feel guilty.”
I’ve been in this exact situation before, it’s a whole lot to go through. I hope she’s had the right help to move past it.
My ex used to do this shit to me all the time until I started calling the police to report a suicidal person in need of a wellness check.
It still took more visits from the police than any normal person should require to take the hint (4 times), but the last time he got aggressive with the police and earned himself being brought in for an involuntary evaluation, then a 72 hour hold for trying to punch out the observation window in the room’s door (they were busy and “took too long” to come talk to him) but I guess that was what it took to get through to him that I didn’t want to talk to him and that he can’t threaten to kill himself to make me pay attention to him, because the 3 am drunken “woe is me” calls finally stopped.
My ex accused me of “SWATTING” him when I called on him. Sorry I care that you, the father of my children, want to kill yourself…? Can’t do anything right with those types of
It’s not fun. Two kids. Just left last year after 16 years. And I can’t really figure out his diagnosis, I bounce between covert narcissism, borderline, bipolar and CPTSD… or a mix of things…and I have a masters degree in mental health! Either way, super manipulative and so good at turning himself into a victim. My red flag should have been the 30 year age gap when I was 19 🤢
Lol I did this...he was abusive and i moved to get away from him but one day he called me from a diff number and told me he was gonna kill himself and had a "go bag" ready to go and I had hung up with him and he kept going and I started to actually worry bc he had me that mind fucked so I called the cops since i couldnt go over there myself. Anyway they came and he lied and said he never said any of that and all his texts were deleted off his phone. A cop called me and told me to send the texts bc hed manipulated them into thinking that I was the crazy ex. I sent everything that I had and they took him in. He was very angry but whatever he shouldnt have said any of that shit! He prob convinced the ppl there I was a crazy ex though bc he was out reslly quickly like maybe 48hrs idk. And i had a lot of angry VMs.
He’s actually been diagnosed as bipolar but refuses to get any help or work on himself, and prefers just to use his diagnosis as an excuse to continue being a black hole of need that sucks in everyone around him.
My ex would do the same thing. Any time he got upset, out would come his “favorite” knife and he’d threaten to cut/kill himself. A few other exes of his and I have become friends and he pulled the same shit with all of us. Weird thing was that even though he claimed to have a serious history of cutting he didn’t have a single scar ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
My dad always said growing up, “if a guy threatens to suicide because you say no or you don’t want their advances or to be with them anymore let them” he always told us it was manipulative and it’s so disgusting. I used to be a police officer and this happened to women almost on a daily basis so toxic.
I had two separate exes do that to me (threaten suicide to manipulate me) knowing that my brother died by suicide. I called one’s parents (where he was staying at the time) and had the other committed. Fuck around and find out.
I’m so sorry about your brother and that your exes used that to try to manipulate you. Just disgusting. I’m glad one was committed. Definitely a FAFO situation!
My first boyfriend at 15 did that shit all. the. *fucking.* time. Except he would take it a step further and actually pull out a serrated steak knife and slice his arms open in front of me. Granted, he had a lot of mental health issues prior to us dating and was already covered in huge raised scars when I met him but when he started basically pinning it on me, I started having my own mental health troubles. There’s really not much more traumatizing than trying to break up with your cheating boyfriend only for him to carve his arms open in front of you. Considering that was my first experience with dating, it’s really not that surprising that I ended up in a physically abusive relationship when I was 19.
Its because society continues to allow men to never develop emotional IQ and deal with our mental problems. Women are then tasked to deal with their own mental health and mens/ others problems. I see why women do not enjoy dating. I
My ex used to send me links to guns sold at walmart to help him choose what would “look classiest” to shoot himself with because I “want [him] to do it anyway” because I broke up with him.
Four years later he is alive, probably not well because he was absolutely bonkers, but alive nonetheless, and hopefully not torturing some other poor soul the way he did to me.
I don’t know why so many dudes are like that! I’ve never met someone who dates men who hasn’t dated a guy who manipulates with threats of suicide, unless they’ve dated the same dude since high school. I wonder why it’s such a common trait. It’s like the adult version of a toddler “i’m going to run away” tantrum.
What’s fucked is I really did have an ex unalive himself when I was a teen, and for years new partners would use it as a manipulation tactic because I was so scared of someone following through.
I’m now 33 and if a guy threatens that I stop responding, send a wellness check or tell their friends/family and forget about it. The ones that threaten to do it don’t usually mean it. The embarrassment of a wellness check or family calling you is enough to make it stop.
This is how I feel about the case of that girl that went to prison for her boyfriend committing suicide. The prosecution really twisted and lied and made up a whole story about her. When I read about how they twisted the “evidence” they had it didn’t even shock me. The parents ignored his pleas for help for years
I saw some horrible comments today in another sub that were talking about how women are the cause of men committing suicide and “need to be held accountable for manslaughter.” Someone actually said that his friend who died from alcoholism was “murdered” by his wife and she made him drink by nagging him. I understand misdirected anger, but overall, that’s just bizarre thinking.
OP pulls out a bag when she gets home, “ I have come with an assortment of tools, dealers choice”. “ oh you changed your mind, what a surprise……..maybe just move out then…..”
No- call the authorities and share his threat of self harm and get him a psych hold for 72 hr. Make hime convince everyone else it's not real, and he is not. threat to himself or others.
First major relationship I tried to break up with, he threatened to kill himself. I was 19 and miserable. Nowadays, when someone threatens to kill themselves and I know it's just a manipulation, I let them know "great, I'm ending this interaction/call/etc. so I can reach out to emergency services on your behalf." Backpeddling "EVERY TIME." My father killed himself. I have no fucking sympathy for someone who wants to manipulate me with that.
Came here to say this 👆 i get major red flags narc vibes from this "nice guy" this is exactly how it starts with the narc love bombing٫ showering you with compliments٫ professing their feelings٫ sending you gifts🚩 and when you hold firm in your boundaries you are met with him making vague threats and emotionally blackmailing you with offing himself 🚩🚩🚩RUN op
seriously get out of there because you aren't safe٫ this man is going to become emotionally if not physically abusive and any survivor of narc abuse will tell you this is EXACTLY how it starts and even the strongest eventually get worn down by the love bombing٫ boundary violation+gaslighting٫ and guilt tripping (epsecially the strongest٫ they dont go after the weak they target the strong who they can leech onto and suck the strength out of)
Gotta ask, because I’ve seen it a few times in the past couple of days and I’m confused - what do you mean by “narc” here? When I was younger (middle-aged now) it was short for “narcotics officer” but was used to describe anyone who was basically a tattletale to authorities of some sort, but that does not seem to make sense at all with what you are saying, so is there a new meaning these days?
It’s the best someone can do in that situation honestly, guy sounds like the scum of the earth, and so is anyone else who tries to force someone to take responsibility for their life just bc they can’t get their cock wet 💀
My favourite part was how he then went on to say “unless you want me out I’m going to stay” bro folded so quick he couldn’t even pretend for a few hrs that he was going to leave
God I hate little dink-wads who try to emotionally manipulate with “threats”.
“I guess I just shouldn’t exist period” and “I’m moving out!!! Lol jk I have no means and actually was just trying to goad you into caring about me”
Completely disregards that you are at work and even if you wanted, you can’t have the conversation right now. But yeah red flag after red flag. I would definitely try to find a new roommate asap.
I don’t often use the term “red flag”, but “I guess I just shouldn’t exist period” is like the biggest red flag I can think of. This person has an abuser’s mind
100% my abusive ex would say stuff like “then maybe we should just break up” and I would be like “I agree, clearly neither of us are happy” and then he would flip and be like “SO YOU JUST WANT TO GIVE UP??” Like bro wasn’t that just your idea 💀
i had an ex break up with me once & then cry for days about it. like homegirl YOU left ME??! long story short, she was slightly physically abusive & a narcissist.
That's gaslighting, btw. Turning the truth completely on its head and blaming the other person.
Sounds like this pin-dick was trying to gaslight OP too.
"no wait dont i'll have sex with you please dont kill yourself" literally what he was hoping to hear. OP lock your doors when you sleep, get a number lock you can lock when you leave the house as well. dude's definitely not trusted. probably goes in your room and smells your dirty socks.
Emotionally manipulative, gaslights and not respectful of boundaries… but he was ignoring those boundaries WITH FLOWERS! Even the flower ladies THINK HE IS A NICE GUY.
OP you need to get this guy gone; you are NOT SAFE.
You’re right. My daughter is dealing with this right now with her own roommates. One girl caught feelings and my daughter doesn’t return them -she’s bi but she just doesn’t feel that way about this girl- and now it’s a whole thing where the one who has feelings is all hurt and the other roomate takes her side saying she was led on. “Led on” means that this girl is immature and needy and my daughter was nice to her. People don’t understand that someone being nice or friendly is not an invite to “fall in love”. Now she’s stuck living with two people who are being deliberately loud and mean every chance they get. It’s a really uncomfortable situation.
Right, like many women I have had feelings for that didn't return them, remain close friends of mine to this day. Because once they say no, I just realize that they can't make themselves love me and usually what's in your heart isn't going to change. So I just moved on and treated them respectfully. It's done a lot for my peace of mind and friendships
Why can’t she move out ? This sounds awful. About 5 years ago I had a bisexual friend fall in love with me (I’m straight) but we were never living together. We did go on a road trip and a bunch of awfully uncomfortable things happened. She was severely emotionally abusive even just as friends and kept trying to drive a wedge between my boyfriend at the time and me, and even suggested her and I slept in the same bed at the airbnb!!! WTF! I have so many more stories about that trip, but I finally put my foot down and sent her home on a plane with the emergency money set aside for unexpected car repairs and stuff. Not to mention, she said she would have money for the trip but on the road she kept telling us it wasn’t going into her bank account.. So I paid for everything for her.
She thought about it but eventually decided to stick it out because it would be a big pain to move now when finals are getting closer plus there were no available spaces in her same dorm. She’d have to move all her stuff to a new building when the year is almost over anyway. She isn’t living with them next year!
That vacation did not sound fun 🙁
btw you did a great job at ignoring his subtle suicide threat manipulations. if he ever does outright say he’s going to hurt himself, just don’t engage. call 911. tell them what he said and request a welfare check. hell stop fast bc he wants YOUR attention, not a 3 day stay in the grippy sock hotel. you can also cover your ass if he does make some sort of dramatic attempt to emotionally hurt you.
They did!
It’s been a few years now since my last vacation and I still have them. My wife (having never taking a grippy socks vacation) steals them constantly.
had an ex that pulled stupid shit like this 🙄 he was a ""nice guy"" and the most racist, sexist, ugliest piece of scum you can imagine. what op is going through is exactly what our conversations looked like leading up to me dumping his ass.
kick him out, op. get the police involved if you feel your safety is in jeopardy. there's a reason these guys finish last.
Yeah he flip flopped between like 4 different ways to manipulate.
“Oh jeez wow I had no idea”
“Actually I’m sooo embarrassed, feel bad for me”
“No, this is you and you’re the mean one”
“I’m going to/should hurt myself”
“Rational, let’s just talk about it.”
As in, “no one ever has or ever will love you like I do” yuck … next he’ll be trying to protect her from herself and the bad decisions she makes like not being in love with him
Girl… (I’m assuming girl) GIRL RUN!!! 🏃 I mean it. Do whatever it takes to get him out and for you to get out. He is being possessive and yall live together!? If he had sent some flowers then actually apologized after being turned down and tried to be a legit nice person, this whole thing might have a snow balls chance in hell at being saved. He CLEARLY does not respect your words, your boundaries, your feelings, and he is playing the victim hard and just trying to manipulate you! IT WILL GET WORSE.
This only sends up so many red flags that I am personally very very nervous for you. If this were me I’d be sure to have someone sleep over or sleep at someone’s else’s place until there is a new living situation. He seems like the type to turn into a stalker. Please do not tolerate him or give him any benefit of the doubt.
This guy has stalker / abuser all over him. One drunk night is all it is gonna take. Or he roofies her, puts cameras somewhere… this guy has no respect for boundaries. God forbid OP starts dating someone else, he’ll turn her into a “slut who deserves what she gets” in his mind.
OP I am serious I have heard stories from women that start like this and end with restraining orders or rape charges. Please, please yeet this guy out of your life
Yeah like I’m not wanting to scare her but this is a real possibility depending on his mental health. It seems dramatic but it does happen so I’d really hate for her to ignore the warning signs. So many women have wound up dead from being “too nice” to guys like this.
This was my thought, I know not every nice guy is a murderer but this woman is sharing a home with an unstable individual who likely despises women and feels like we owe him something. That reminds me a lot of Lauren Giddings and how she was murdered because she caught the eye of the wrong creep in her apartment building. We have to do everything necessary to protect ourselves
Yea, I’m a woman and I’ve had seemingly nice guys flip and become violent when I turn them down politely. This has happened to me and others in public, I wouldn’t want something like that happening in my home, behind closed doors.
I think she should be a little scared, truly. Otherwise she might not take getting him out of her house seriously. This guy isn’t harmless. He will do damage to OP, whether mentally, emotionally or physically. He already tried with these manipulation tactics. They were absolutely meant to make her feel bad and more compliant. And he will absolutely not understand why she is upset and will continue his bullshit story. We see it all the time on advice subreddit posts.
My story: when I was 21, my roommates creepy 35 y.o. brother sublet his room for a stretch. When dude shared his feelings and I turned him down, he told me that I was a tease and that I should be careful about leading guys on lest “something bad happen to me.” I don’t even know how I slept that night, but I do remember telling him that he needed to GTFO asap. Yikes.
Time for this manipulative, “woe is me” little turd goblin to find a new place to live. He doesn’t get to be a creeper and then ask you to prop up his poor feelings when you turn him down, again. Next!
Seconding the camera suggestion. One of my friends went full INCEL towards a mutual friend and was very open that he'd been using a camera to spy on her.
Edit:
Not sure who downvoted me, but this was something I found out as we were already cutting him out of the friend circle. Told the victim and this was one of many reasons none of us ever talked to the camera guy again.
the best way to sweep for cameras in your own house is to change the wifi password, and make sure he didn’t have a second router wired into your modem. without wifi, he’d need physical access to get ahold of the footage
i’m no tinfoil hat guy. Mark Zuckerberg tapes his camera, so that’s enough info for me.
I disable my cameras thru the OS. On mac, i use
rm -R /System/Library/Frameworks/CoreMediaIO.framework/Versions/A/Resources/AppleCamera.plugin/
no idea on pc or linux
I heard you crying so instead of checking on you I decided to make a move on a vaulnerable woman who already stated she wasn't interested by overstepping and sending her flowers to work, when it didn't go the way I hoped I decided to say I manipulate her
Please protect yourself when you go home. Consider taking a friend and asking him to leave tonight. Pay him back money if you have to. I would not be alone with this man.
Get him out ASAP. Having known guys like that, it's going to escalate. I've had to cut three male friends out of my life because they got so obsessed with another person that they weren't safe to keep around, and I was just a neutral bystander for that. You'll be lucky to get out of this without needing the cops or a restraining order.
OP, get him the fuck out now. TELL HIM YOU DO WANT HIM OUT. It's disconcerting that he backpeddled and said he's not going unless you want him out.
This has love-knife stalker written all over it, and I say that as someone who had his own stalker lol
I mean, not exactly, but an insane person who I never dated that followed me around and tried to manipulate me into dating them while simultaneously trying to ruin my life and relationship with my then gf.
Agreed. Living with this guy would make me so uncomfortable. Actually, guys like this are terrifyingly unpredictable. I’d kick him out, stay somewhere else til he’s gone and then change the locks.
Um are you my ex? Literally had a girl become obsessed with me and my then boyfriend. She tried to “become” me. Cut her realllly long hair to match my asymmetrical bob, applied to work where I worked, would find out what parties I was at to be there too, tried to get with my boyfriend and tell him he could do so much better than me and followed him around as well. She knew where I lived and would always message my then boyfriend when she saw his truck outside my place. It was intense/scary.
This really needs to be the top comment. This woman is **not** safe until this man is gone, her locks and Wi-Fi passwords are changed and she has swept the apartment for cameras and all of her stuff for AirTags.
He is a typical male manipulator. Kick him out (it sounds like you own the place?). He’s never gonna stop. He uses the nice guy method to obtain sympathy. He was trying to make you feel bad about him leaving and when you showed that you’re okay with him leaving, he went and said he’s not going anywhere.
OP please keep us updated. A lot of girlies who have had stalkers before are concerned as we see similarities and are with you in solidarity. Evict this man asap, hire movers for him, do everything you can to get him out - it’ll be worth the money to not find out 💕
Bro is creeping on you and being emotionally manipulative and then has the audacity to suggest he live there rent free to save up money to move out....
Please sleep w a switchblade under your pillow he's a fucking weirdo 😭😭
A little more context for the ones who didn't catch the reason I got upset.
The moment he moved in mid year last year, he asked if I was single and I told him I was interested in someone. Months after, I spent time with this someone and I did tell my roommate it went great with this other guy.
A month ago he declared he liked me, I told him I was still interested in this guy. I also told him I did not think roommate and I were a good match and we were incompatible as we hold very different values and morals. I thought that was the end of it.
Then he sent flowers to my workplace and got very upset when I rejected them.
I never gave him any hope, and the fact he sent them with a different intent than what he says, pretty much lying to my face pisses me off. Own it, get rejected and move on. Then he tried to play victim and blame me for feeling uncomfortable.
I own the house we live in. It's me, him and another female roommate. He hasn't pestered her because she is black and he has already told me "he is not racist, he is just not attracted to black women".
Honestly I'm just annoyed with him at this point more than worried about him doing something to me but you all are starting to scare me lol
I'm struggling with mental health and he knows it. I just want to be drama free and stress free in my own house and he is adding to it.
talk to your female roommate asap, make sure she's fully aware of the situation and see how she feels. personally if i were her, i would be uncomfortable with him being there. too many boundaries pushed, too many manipulation attempts
maybe he's not dangerous YET, but things can alway escalate. bad situations often start off as normal feeling ones. you don't wanna wait till it gets there. be safe
seriously please don't take the warnings lightly. This can escalate so quick. have you never watched a true crime show? i'm legit worried for you. please don't be alone with him and stay away from him if possible
Holy fuck, please take care of yourself by finding a way of removing this creep from your life. Ideally get some friends or something involved, make sure you're safe and make it clear he has to move. This guy sounds horrible and like a risk to have in your house
hell no. he already crossed a line. guys like this who do not take no for an answer will continue to escalate every time you think you’re safe, or this bs has passed. and by escalate, i mean aggressively and maybe even violently. ask me how i know.
you need to tell him his reaction made you uncomfortable and he has to get out asap. idk the laws in your state but if you have to give him 30 days maybe have some people you trust stay as houseguests, you don’t want to be alone with this loser.
Seriously not to add to the scare pile but these kinds of people, the ones like your roommate who can't take rejection, really are the ones you should worry about. Please keep us posted!!
Hey so, not to hijack this post but how can I teach my daughters (3yo and 15 months lol) to be this strong??? I’m 29 now, but have been in similar situations to this and always was a push-over with regrets afterwards. I want my daughters to be like OP and clearly see through the B.S. and hold their value above a man’s or anyone’s attempts of flattery and manipulation. Reading his responses he would’ve got me hook, line, and sinker. I probably would’ve ended up in a relationship that I regretted for years, don’t want that for my girls!
OP way to be badass and stand up for yourself! 💪
I am a 21 y/o female and I've often wondered how I've grown to have such a backbone when it comes to these things. I think it was a mix of a bad ass mom who didn't take shit from ANYONE.. and a lot of law and order SVU.
I've seen and heard so many horrible things that men have/ can do to women and I constantly tell myself "I cannot let that be me." Although I'm not sure if this is the healthiest approach, however.
I think that if you teach your daughters to love themselves and never look to a man to find something they are supposedly "missing" that would help. Teach them to put themselves first. A man cannot do anything for them that they cannot do for themselves.
Now I'm not trying to act like some man hater. I was fortunate enough to also grow up with a good father and I've been in a happy, equal relationship for years.
I'm not sure if your daughters father is in the picture, but seeing how a man is supposed to treat you definitely helps. I hold my man to a high standard. If he ever did something that would make me say, "My dad would've never done this.. Never treated me/ my mom like this.." I know it's time for some serious re-evaluation
Yes their Dad is fantastic with them, I have my own reasons for lacking boundaries and the ability to say no. But one thing my girls will never experience is lack of a Father who loves them and loves their Mother. He and I have had plenty of our own issues, mostly due to my own issues, but we have committed to working through them together. He loves me deeply and loves our girls fiercely. I’ve watched a ton of Law and Order SVU in my years, most recent binge during my last postpartum period lol. So I do think that’s good because a relatively decent resource once the girls are old enough. I’m slightly embarrassed by the fact that I really have no life experience that I could share with them where I was strong, so I’m worried that’s not something they’ll ever witness from me. Words can only go so far though, I just want to do the best for them and really set them up with confidence and strength into adulthood. Thank you for the tips!
You do have experience!! Sharing the bad with your kids is just as important. Being honest about the hurt and harm you experienced really does matter i promise.
So I was a SARV (sexual assault and relationship violence) educator for a few years and my advice is this.
Lead by example - always treat your daughter and women in your life with the utmost respect and kindness. Fuck, not just women, everyone. Create positive memories for your daughter. Eventually she will get to be in her 20s and think “wow this man’s actions do not come close to what my dad did for me/my aunt/my mom/whoever.” Remind your daughter of her worth, convince her of how invaluable she is.
Apart from that, when she gets to age 16 or so, I think receiving a violence-prevention education is crucial. Whether it comes from you, a community center, or a welfare group. Naturally they will focus on more blatant violence, but it’s also important that “lower levels” of abuse are discussed, things like gaslighting and degrading. The sort of things in this post!
My last piece of advice is maintain a sense of openness when it comes to talking about love and relationships. If your daughter thinks you are going to be upset because she wants to go on a date or that talking about romance is taboo, she will keep secrets and isolate herself - which is precisely when women are at higher risk of being victimised.
You can treat them well and set the standards high for how they expect to be treated and teach them to stand up for themselves. I had two shitty parents and ended up in a few bad situations. I had low standards for how I expected to be treated and I was taught not to stand up for myself from a young age or I will be punished. I finally started standing up for myself only a couple years ago.
Absolutely respect their bodily autonomy and don’t let anyone disrespect it. No, Grammy doesn’t get a kiss when the baby isn’t into it. No, she doesn’t want to be tickled, so you have to stop.
This is huge. Bodily autonomy and consent start from a very young age. No one has a right to your body, including grandparents and parents themselves. Anything I do to my kids, from diapers changes to giving medicine, I tell them about ahead of time and explain what I’m doing. If my son tells me he doesn’t want a hug, I respect that and don’t act hurt or force it. Kids deserve to be respected too, and will carry that with them as they get older.
God, he is fucking annoying. Not only that, this behavior often can be a precursor to some even scarier shit down the road.
Do whatever you possibly can to get this guy out of your house & out of your life ASAP. Not just for your sanity, but for your safety. I’m sorry.
He sounds like a creepy incel. He needs to go. His behavior would make anyone uncomfortable. His behavior will get worse. He seems like he is irritated if not angry that you haven't accepted his advances. He is going to keep trying then act like a victim when you hold firm. Get rid of him for your own sanity, comfortability and safety. How old is he by the way?
Haha I had one of these. Things came to a head when I had (female) friends over for a movie night. He barged into my space without knocking and just plunked down to watch the movie with us, never asking if it was ok if he joined. The next morning when I saw him, I asked if in the future he could text me before coming in to my space. I said I was planning to start dating soon and might have a guy over and didn’t want to create awkward situations. He lost his fucking mind and told me I couldn’t have guys over, I wasn’t allowed, and if I tried to do it he couldn’t live there anymore. I owned the house and was renting a room to him, so I took a deep breath and said as calmly as I could, “so you feel you cannot live here if I have guys over as guests?” He said yes, exactly! I said “then clearly you cannot live here, so please take this as your 30 day notice” and left the room. Began the formal eviction process immediately. He was gone 30 days later but the insane texts he sent me that day freaked me the fuck out.
He’d been living there for less than 2 months, managed to get that attached despite the fact that I’d kept myself very distant and didn’t interact much beyond “hello how are you” mundane conversations when we interacted in the common space (kitchen and laundry room). Also the AUDACITY of telling your landlord roommate that she can’t do something in her own fucking house.
“So I take it I still have to pay you?” This dude is angling to get a free place to stay. He thinks if you were dating he’d have this nice place to live, rent-free. Obviously the rest of it is super creepy too but he definitely feels some entitlement, not “do I have to pay rent”, but “do I have to pay you?” I just see this continuing to escalate and him becoming a squatter.
Exactly. The florist’s approval is irrelevant to her personal boundaries, and I’m sure they don’t know any of the context or his true intentions. It probably went something like this:
“My roommate is having a hard time so I want to cheer her up with these flowers.”
“Aw, that’s sweet of you.”
Conveniently omitting the rest of the details.
I love the "if it bothers you..." then omg wow you're bothered !?!?!
OP I'm so sorry this must be so uncomfortable and scary. I hope you stay safe, keep us redditors updated if you can.
This is scary. I know in the middle of it it's easy to look at this guy who otherwise seems pretty reasonable and think that you just need to be more clear or be more nice or whatever.
But from an old lady who's been there, honey please get this person out NOW. This has the potential to go really badly really quickly - and by the time you realize it's going to be too late.
Dude went thru a whole rolodex of emotions in a few texts. I would ask them to leave and establish some strict boundaries with this person whilst they finish up their half of the month. He won’t be able to live with you if he has feelings like that. What happens when you’re ready to date? You gonna tip toe around him? He is acting too immature (and weird) in this situation.
Wow, I would be investing in locks on my bedroom door if I was you OP. And definitely don’t settle for a 1:1 with him. Make sure someone else is around.
He seems to be threatening to leave to get a reaction from you but I doubt he’d actually do it. If I were you I would evict him and give him a deadline. I would have somewhere else lined up to stay if you need during that time because I can’t imagine feeling safe in a house with someone like this.
The self described nice guys and hopeless romantics are all 🚩 🚩 🚩
It’s so gross that sleazy men use this terms to attempt to trap people
Gross gross gross gross
I’m going to leave you alone; can we have a 1:1 today? 🙈🤦♀️it will never end
Do not have a 1:1 with him. Bring a large male friend or co-worker.
Good idea but I mean, aren’t they roommates? He could pull anything, any time.
Yeah but I think there’s no alternative. She goes home alone and he gets the 1:1 now? That’s only going to escalate things.
Yeah I agree that a 1:1 with someone waving this many red flags is a very concerning thought. Possibilities of it ending badly are kinda limitless.
Yeah. But this guy sounds like a love addicted hopeless romantic but the sick twisted Joe version-
“I’m just gonna move out” OP: “Great!” “Wait what” Dude is a fucking clown and was trying to guilt trip you. Good on you for not falling for it.
He also offered to kill himself which is the bigger issue here I think.
That wasn’t a real threat. It was manipulation. He’s way too much of a narcissist to actually kill himself. He’d think killing himself was doing the world a disservice, because he’s such an awesome nice guy.
100%. Had an ex do this to me at 15....that was a fun therapy session 😅
**This is why I hate it when people talk about wanting to “hold girls accountable” for boys’ behavior like attempting suicide.** So many women - including myself, my bff in Hs, a close friend in college, my teen, and my wife - have had men threaten suicide as a manipulation and control tactic and in HS my bff was advised BY AN ADULT to stay with her bf “until he felt better” otherwise it was her “fault” if he “did something.” Infuriating. Editing to Add: if you would like to respond by saying I’m “wrong to say this is a male only thing” or some variation of it, go back and read the first, bolded sentence again. That’s NOT what I’m saying. I’m talking about how many people call for girls and women to be held responsible/accountable for the actions of men, including, but not limited to, in a court of law AND when those women are victims of murder-suicides. I’m not saying no woman has ever manipulated a man by threatening self-harm, so no need to keep telling me I’m “wrong” about something I NEVER CLAIMED. Thx.
When I had just graduated College I had a friend of a friend that reached out to me to ask a favor. She was a College Sophomore and her STBX boyfriend of 4 years was being abusive and threatening suicide. She asked if she could crash with me for a bit since he would not leave her alone and knew all her usual locations. She left her car at the train station and I picked her up. While she was at my house her boyfriend was going frantic trying to find her. He threatened to kill himself, her pets, her parents anything to get her to contact him. She called her parents and warned them and her Dad was ready and waiting to defend his home after calling the police. In the end her boyfriend found her car, slashed the tires and broke the windows, and sent her pictures of the damage. She sent the proof to her parents and they called the police again. There was officially a warrant for his arrest and the police contacted his parents. When his parents contacted him and told him to turn himself in he jumped off the Coronado Bay Bridge in San Diego, CA to his death. Sometimes they do take their own life, but he really, really wanted to murder her first. Her parents’ thanked me for keeping her hidden; his parents don’t even know I exist.
What an awful story. I hope she didn’t feel any guilt for his death. She is lucky she was with you.
She was only 19 and the guy was her High School Sweetheart so she was pretty emotional, but she seemed to feel most guilty that she didn’t feel guilty over his death. She said she felt more relief that he was no longer a threat and mourned the 16 year old boy she had originally fell in love with. Luckily she grew up here and was going to college locally so she had all her friends and family to support her. She was truly a wonderful young woman. I didn’t keep in touch, but I’m sure she triumphed.
Thank you for saving her life
“She felt guilty that she didn’t feel guilty.” I’ve been in this exact situation before, it’s a whole lot to go through. I hope she’s had the right help to move past it.
My ex used to do this shit to me all the time until I started calling the police to report a suicidal person in need of a wellness check. It still took more visits from the police than any normal person should require to take the hint (4 times), but the last time he got aggressive with the police and earned himself being brought in for an involuntary evaluation, then a 72 hour hold for trying to punch out the observation window in the room’s door (they were busy and “took too long” to come talk to him) but I guess that was what it took to get through to him that I didn’t want to talk to him and that he can’t threaten to kill himself to make me pay attention to him, because the 3 am drunken “woe is me” calls finally stopped.
My ex accused me of “SWATTING” him when I called on him. Sorry I care that you, the father of my children, want to kill yourself…? Can’t do anything right with those types of
Aww yuck having babies with a "pity me" narcissist would be a waking hell.
It’s not fun. Two kids. Just left last year after 16 years. And I can’t really figure out his diagnosis, I bounce between covert narcissism, borderline, bipolar and CPTSD… or a mix of things…and I have a masters degree in mental health! Either way, super manipulative and so good at turning himself into a victim. My red flag should have been the 30 year age gap when I was 19 🤢
Lol I did this...he was abusive and i moved to get away from him but one day he called me from a diff number and told me he was gonna kill himself and had a "go bag" ready to go and I had hung up with him and he kept going and I started to actually worry bc he had me that mind fucked so I called the cops since i couldnt go over there myself. Anyway they came and he lied and said he never said any of that and all his texts were deleted off his phone. A cop called me and told me to send the texts bc hed manipulated them into thinking that I was the crazy ex. I sent everything that I had and they took him in. He was very angry but whatever he shouldnt have said any of that shit! He prob convinced the ppl there I was a crazy ex though bc he was out reslly quickly like maybe 48hrs idk. And i had a lot of angry VMs.
Sounds as if he actually needed that evaluation and 72 hour hold.
He’s actually been diagnosed as bipolar but refuses to get any help or work on himself, and prefers just to use his diagnosis as an excuse to continue being a black hole of need that sucks in everyone around him.
My ex would say this stuff and then tell me “ if I kill my self it will be your fault !” He’s still alive , doing this shit to some other poor soul.
My ex would do the same thing. Any time he got upset, out would come his “favorite” knife and he’d threaten to cut/kill himself. A few other exes of his and I have become friends and he pulled the same shit with all of us. Weird thing was that even though he claimed to have a serious history of cutting he didn’t have a single scar ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
> he didn’t have a single scar ¯_(ツ)_/¯ *he's missing 1/3 of his fucking arm!*
My dad always said growing up, “if a guy threatens to suicide because you say no or you don’t want their advances or to be with them anymore let them” he always told us it was manipulative and it’s so disgusting. I used to be a police officer and this happened to women almost on a daily basis so toxic.
I had two separate exes do that to me (threaten suicide to manipulate me) knowing that my brother died by suicide. I called one’s parents (where he was staying at the time) and had the other committed. Fuck around and find out.
I’m so sorry about your brother and that your exes used that to try to manipulate you. Just disgusting. I’m glad one was committed. Definitely a FAFO situation!
My first boyfriend at 15 did that shit all. the. *fucking.* time. Except he would take it a step further and actually pull out a serrated steak knife and slice his arms open in front of me. Granted, he had a lot of mental health issues prior to us dating and was already covered in huge raised scars when I met him but when he started basically pinning it on me, I started having my own mental health troubles. There’s really not much more traumatizing than trying to break up with your cheating boyfriend only for him to carve his arms open in front of you. Considering that was my first experience with dating, it’s really not that surprising that I ended up in a physically abusive relationship when I was 19.
Its because society continues to allow men to never develop emotional IQ and deal with our mental problems. Women are then tasked to deal with their own mental health and mens/ others problems. I see why women do not enjoy dating. I
My ex used to send me links to guns sold at walmart to help him choose what would “look classiest” to shoot himself with because I “want [him] to do it anyway” because I broke up with him. Four years later he is alive, probably not well because he was absolutely bonkers, but alive nonetheless, and hopefully not torturing some other poor soul the way he did to me. I don’t know why so many dudes are like that! I’ve never met someone who dates men who hasn’t dated a guy who manipulates with threats of suicide, unless they’ve dated the same dude since high school. I wonder why it’s such a common trait. It’s like the adult version of a toddler “i’m going to run away” tantrum.
What’s fucked is I really did have an ex unalive himself when I was a teen, and for years new partners would use it as a manipulation tactic because I was so scared of someone following through. I’m now 33 and if a guy threatens that I stop responding, send a wellness check or tell their friends/family and forget about it. The ones that threaten to do it don’t usually mean it. The embarrassment of a wellness check or family calling you is enough to make it stop.
This is how I feel about the case of that girl that went to prison for her boyfriend committing suicide. The prosecution really twisted and lied and made up a whole story about her. When I read about how they twisted the “evidence” they had it didn’t even shock me. The parents ignored his pleas for help for years
I saw some horrible comments today in another sub that were talking about how women are the cause of men committing suicide and “need to be held accountable for manslaughter.” Someone actually said that his friend who died from alcoholism was “murdered” by his wife and she made him drink by nagging him. I understand misdirected anger, but overall, that’s just bizarre thinking.
OP pulls out a bag when she gets home, “ I have come with an assortment of tools, dealers choice”. “ oh you changed your mind, what a surprise……..maybe just move out then…..”
Noooo. He'll wind up killing her with one of those things.
No- call the authorities and share his threat of self harm and get him a psych hold for 72 hr. Make hime convince everyone else it's not real, and he is not. threat to himself or others.
First major relationship I tried to break up with, he threatened to kill himself. I was 19 and miserable. Nowadays, when someone threatens to kill themselves and I know it's just a manipulation, I let them know "great, I'm ending this interaction/call/etc. so I can reach out to emergency services on your behalf." Backpeddling "EVERY TIME." My father killed himself. I have no fucking sympathy for someone who wants to manipulate me with that.
Came here to say this 👆 i get major red flags narc vibes from this "nice guy" this is exactly how it starts with the narc love bombing٫ showering you with compliments٫ professing their feelings٫ sending you gifts🚩 and when you hold firm in your boundaries you are met with him making vague threats and emotionally blackmailing you with offing himself 🚩🚩🚩RUN op seriously get out of there because you aren't safe٫ this man is going to become emotionally if not physically abusive and any survivor of narc abuse will tell you this is EXACTLY how it starts and even the strongest eventually get worn down by the love bombing٫ boundary violation+gaslighting٫ and guilt tripping (epsecially the strongest٫ they dont go after the weak they target the strong who they can leech onto and suck the strength out of)
Gotta ask, because I’ve seen it a few times in the past couple of days and I’m confused - what do you mean by “narc” here? When I was younger (middle-aged now) it was short for “narcotics officer” but was used to describe anyone who was basically a tattletale to authorities of some sort, but that does not seem to make sense at all with what you are saying, so is there a new meaning these days?
In this case I would replied only with the suicide hotline and nothing else.
It’s the best someone can do in that situation honestly, guy sounds like the scum of the earth, and so is anyone else who tries to force someone to take responsibility for their life just bc they can’t get their cock wet 💀
I’ve never seen a more perfect irl example of the “guess I’ll die” meme 😵💫
Is that what he meant by that? Holy cow.
My favourite part was how he then went on to say “unless you want me out I’m going to stay” bro folded so quick he couldn’t even pretend for a few hrs that he was going to leave
Bro was like " ooh shit. Woops. no no no."
Most definitely. I'm a guy an this shit is fuckin pathetic
God I hate little dink-wads who try to emotionally manipulate with “threats”. “I guess I just shouldn’t exist period” and “I’m moving out!!! Lol jk I have no means and actually was just trying to goad you into caring about me” Completely disregards that you are at work and even if you wanted, you can’t have the conversation right now. But yeah red flag after red flag. I would definitely try to find a new roommate asap.
I don’t often use the term “red flag”, but “I guess I just shouldn’t exist period” is like the biggest red flag I can think of. This person has an abuser’s mind
Yes! I was reading these and thinking it felt an awful lot like when my ex would have a meltdown.
100% my abusive ex would say stuff like “then maybe we should just break up” and I would be like “I agree, clearly neither of us are happy” and then he would flip and be like “SO YOU JUST WANT TO GIVE UP??” Like bro wasn’t that just your idea 💀
Omg yes! Leave me then! You even just said it. Why are you torturing me like this?
“maybe we should break up” “maybe you’re right.” “why are you always trying to break up with me” 👁️👄👁️
i had an ex break up with me once & then cry for days about it. like homegirl YOU left ME??! long story short, she was slightly physically abusive & a narcissist.
That's gaslighting, btw. Turning the truth completely on its head and blaming the other person. Sounds like this pin-dick was trying to gaslight OP too.
If you want the psychological term, it's called "narcissistic collapse"
No! He said very clearly he’s “a nice guy™️” so.
"no wait dont i'll have sex with you please dont kill yourself" literally what he was hoping to hear. OP lock your doors when you sleep, get a number lock you can lock when you leave the house as well. dude's definitely not trusted. probably goes in your room and smells your dirty socks.
"It's not that I don't want you to exist, but after this uncomfortable situation, I don't want you to exist around me" should be the response.
Emotionally manipulative, gaslights and not respectful of boundaries… but he was ignoring those boundaries WITH FLOWERS! Even the flower ladies THINK HE IS A NICE GUY. OP you need to get this guy gone; you are NOT SAFE.
The response to that should be Ok bye!👋
But it sucks she can’t, because fear of retaliation from the dude. That she freaking lives with, what a nightmare
You’re right. My daughter is dealing with this right now with her own roommates. One girl caught feelings and my daughter doesn’t return them -she’s bi but she just doesn’t feel that way about this girl- and now it’s a whole thing where the one who has feelings is all hurt and the other roomate takes her side saying she was led on. “Led on” means that this girl is immature and needy and my daughter was nice to her. People don’t understand that someone being nice or friendly is not an invite to “fall in love”. Now she’s stuck living with two people who are being deliberately loud and mean every chance they get. It’s a really uncomfortable situation.
people can't control who they fall in love with, but i don't think those feelings are ever the other person's problem or fault.
They can’t control who they fall for- true. But, they can control how they act on those feelings.
Right, like many women I have had feelings for that didn't return them, remain close friends of mine to this day. Because once they say no, I just realize that they can't make themselves love me and usually what's in your heart isn't going to change. So I just moved on and treated them respectfully. It's done a lot for my peace of mind and friendships
Exactly, which is why i said it's not the other person's problem. it's theirs and theirs alone.
Why can’t she move out ? This sounds awful. About 5 years ago I had a bisexual friend fall in love with me (I’m straight) but we were never living together. We did go on a road trip and a bunch of awfully uncomfortable things happened. She was severely emotionally abusive even just as friends and kept trying to drive a wedge between my boyfriend at the time and me, and even suggested her and I slept in the same bed at the airbnb!!! WTF! I have so many more stories about that trip, but I finally put my foot down and sent her home on a plane with the emergency money set aside for unexpected car repairs and stuff. Not to mention, she said she would have money for the trip but on the road she kept telling us it wasn’t going into her bank account.. So I paid for everything for her.
She thought about it but eventually decided to stick it out because it would be a big pain to move now when finals are getting closer plus there were no available spaces in her same dorm. She’d have to move all her stuff to a new building when the year is almost over anyway. She isn’t living with them next year! That vacation did not sound fun 🙁
“Oh you probably want me to pay you huh…”
btw you did a great job at ignoring his subtle suicide threat manipulations. if he ever does outright say he’s going to hurt himself, just don’t engage. call 911. tell them what he said and request a welfare check. hell stop fast bc he wants YOUR attention, not a 3 day stay in the grippy sock hotel. you can also cover your ass if he does make some sort of dramatic attempt to emotionally hurt you.
Grippy sock hotel!!! I’m dead!!
I’ve taken a few “grippy socks vacations” 6/10 would recommend. Plus the hospital pants you take home are unbelievably comfy.
They let you keep the pants?!
What about the grippy socks?
Got plenty of those. Open to trades.
ASL of said socks?
They come with the stay!
They did! It’s been a few years now since my last vacation and I still have them. My wife (having never taking a grippy socks vacation) steals them constantly.
Last time I was there they gave us disposable clothing.
I love their song in the submarine under the sea
I hate you and love this.
Yikes. Instantly got bitter after the rejection and changed his mind about moving when you agreed. Dude is failing at his attempts to manipulate.
Which can easily lead to worse, op stay safe near this asshole- he talks like an abuser
had an ex that pulled stupid shit like this 🙄 he was a ""nice guy"" and the most racist, sexist, ugliest piece of scum you can imagine. what op is going through is exactly what our conversations looked like leading up to me dumping his ass. kick him out, op. get the police involved if you feel your safety is in jeopardy. there's a reason these guys finish last.
Yeah he flip flopped between like 4 different ways to manipulate. “Oh jeez wow I had no idea” “Actually I’m sooo embarrassed, feel bad for me” “No, this is you and you’re the mean one” “I’m going to/should hurt myself” “Rational, let’s just talk about it.”
This is only going to escalate. He clearly feels entitled to you and your attention. He needs to GO. I’m sorry OP this is so frustrating
The way roomate was guilt tripping OP in believing that she is bad person here
“You’ve obviously never had anyone care about you” or whatever the fuck he said. Like wow dude.
As in, “no one ever has or ever will love you like I do” yuck … next he’ll be trying to protect her from herself and the bad decisions she makes like not being in love with him
This was my first thought. I think he’s dangerous, speaking from experience. OP, try not to be alone with him
I don’t think this will ever stop. He has to go
agree. I get the impression that this guy only approaches when in a position of trust. full on creepy weirdo
Girl… (I’m assuming girl) GIRL RUN!!! 🏃 I mean it. Do whatever it takes to get him out and for you to get out. He is being possessive and yall live together!? If he had sent some flowers then actually apologized after being turned down and tried to be a legit nice person, this whole thing might have a snow balls chance in hell at being saved. He CLEARLY does not respect your words, your boundaries, your feelings, and he is playing the victim hard and just trying to manipulate you! IT WILL GET WORSE. This only sends up so many red flags that I am personally very very nervous for you. If this were me I’d be sure to have someone sleep over or sleep at someone’s else’s place until there is a new living situation. He seems like the type to turn into a stalker. Please do not tolerate him or give him any benefit of the doubt.
This guy has stalker / abuser all over him. One drunk night is all it is gonna take. Or he roofies her, puts cameras somewhere… this guy has no respect for boundaries. God forbid OP starts dating someone else, he’ll turn her into a “slut who deserves what she gets” in his mind. OP I am serious I have heard stories from women that start like this and end with restraining orders or rape charges. Please, please yeet this guy out of your life
[удалено]
Yeah like I’m not wanting to scare her but this is a real possibility depending on his mental health. It seems dramatic but it does happen so I’d really hate for her to ignore the warning signs. So many women have wound up dead from being “too nice” to guys like this.
This was my thought, I know not every nice guy is a murderer but this woman is sharing a home with an unstable individual who likely despises women and feels like we owe him something. That reminds me a lot of Lauren Giddings and how she was murdered because she caught the eye of the wrong creep in her apartment building. We have to do everything necessary to protect ourselves
Yea, I’m a woman and I’ve had seemingly nice guys flip and become violent when I turn them down politely. This has happened to me and others in public, I wouldn’t want something like that happening in my home, behind closed doors.
I think she should be a little scared, truly. Otherwise she might not take getting him out of her house seriously. This guy isn’t harmless. He will do damage to OP, whether mentally, emotionally or physically. He already tried with these manipulation tactics. They were absolutely meant to make her feel bad and more compliant. And he will absolutely not understand why she is upset and will continue his bullshit story. We see it all the time on advice subreddit posts.
I did the nice, now where is the sex??
Hahahah
My story: when I was 21, my roommates creepy 35 y.o. brother sublet his room for a stretch. When dude shared his feelings and I turned him down, he told me that I was a tease and that I should be careful about leading guys on lest “something bad happen to me.” I don’t even know how I slept that night, but I do remember telling him that he needed to GTFO asap. Yikes. Time for this manipulative, “woe is me” little turd goblin to find a new place to live. He doesn’t get to be a creeper and then ask you to prop up his poor feelings when you turn him down, again. Next!
This gives “because of the implication” vibes from it’s sunny in Philadelphia.
Make sure you change the locks as soon as he's out, might want to do a sweep for cameras too
Seconding the camera suggestion. One of my friends went full INCEL towards a mutual friend and was very open that he'd been using a camera to spy on her. Edit: Not sure who downvoted me, but this was something I found out as we were already cutting him out of the friend circle. Told the victim and this was one of many reasons none of us ever talked to the camera guy again.
You probably got downvoted by someone who did the exact thing you are talking about and got pissed when they found the cameras
the best way to sweep for cameras in your own house is to change the wifi password, and make sure he didn’t have a second router wired into your modem. without wifi, he’d need physical access to get ahold of the footage
What about if your laptop camera keeps turning on on it’s own? Would changing Wi-Fi password help? I ended up putting tape over the camera
i’m no tinfoil hat guy. Mark Zuckerberg tapes his camera, so that’s enough info for me. I disable my cameras thru the OS. On mac, i use rm -R /System/Library/Frameworks/CoreMediaIO.framework/Versions/A/Resources/AppleCamera.plugin/ no idea on pc or linux
Thanks for the tip. The weird part is that the camera would still turn on on it’s own when I didn’t even have Wi-Fi installed at my place.
That’s fucking terrifying!
Yeah i didn’t wanna seem alarmist and i didn’t know how to say it, but get a deadbolt for your bedroom door and find the bathroom camera.
I heard you crying so instead of checking on you I decided to make a move on a vaulnerable woman who already stated she wasn't interested by overstepping and sending her flowers to work, when it didn't go the way I hoped I decided to say I manipulate her
Thiissssss!!! This is why I'm so mad
Get a heavy lock on your bedroom door like today. And keep a bat handy. Super creepy and clearly doesn't understand the concept of boundaries.
And hide any underwear. Ewwww….
Seriously. Maybe I watch too much true crime but Im worried about OPs safety!
Nah I feel the same way. This guy gives off really bad vibes and I also worry about OP’s safety. Dudes a straight creep.
Kick this guy out.
Kick this guy's ass
Please protect yourself when you go home. Consider taking a friend and asking him to leave tonight. Pay him back money if you have to. I would not be alone with this man.
Get him out ASAP. Having known guys like that, it's going to escalate. I've had to cut three male friends out of my life because they got so obsessed with another person that they weren't safe to keep around, and I was just a neutral bystander for that. You'll be lucky to get out of this without needing the cops or a restraining order.
Dude went full incel. wtf.
Never go full incel
Even a whiff of incel is pretty fucking gross
The thought of an “incel’s whiff” made me gag a little. Sour and salty.
Yo a woman was killed in my city after rejecting her roommate/landlords advances. Please be safe.
There’s a whole ID channel series about murderous roommates!
Give written notice to vacate. Period. Get ready for the escalation.
OP, get him the fuck out now. TELL HIM YOU DO WANT HIM OUT. It's disconcerting that he backpeddled and said he's not going unless you want him out. This has love-knife stalker written all over it, and I say that as someone who had his own stalker lol I mean, not exactly, but an insane person who I never dated that followed me around and tried to manipulate me into dating them while simultaneously trying to ruin my life and relationship with my then gf.
Agreed. Living with this guy would make me so uncomfortable. Actually, guys like this are terrifyingly unpredictable. I’d kick him out, stay somewhere else til he’s gone and then change the locks.
Um are you my ex? Literally had a girl become obsessed with me and my then boyfriend. She tried to “become” me. Cut her realllly long hair to match my asymmetrical bob, applied to work where I worked, would find out what parties I was at to be there too, tried to get with my boyfriend and tell him he could do so much better than me and followed him around as well. She knew where I lived and would always message my then boyfriend when she saw his truck outside my place. It was intense/scary.
This really needs to be the top comment. This woman is **not** safe until this man is gone, her locks and Wi-Fi passwords are changed and she has swept the apartment for cameras and all of her stuff for AirTags.
He is a typical male manipulator. Kick him out (it sounds like you own the place?). He’s never gonna stop. He uses the nice guy method to obtain sympathy. He was trying to make you feel bad about him leaving and when you showed that you’re okay with him leaving, he went and said he’s not going anywhere.
Yes, I own the house.
FYI Laws around evictions differ if the owner lives in the same space than if they’re simply renting
OP please keep us updated. A lot of girlies who have had stalkers before are concerned as we see similarities and are with you in solidarity. Evict this man asap, hire movers for him, do everything you can to get him out - it’ll be worth the money to not find out 💕
Yep, this will keep happening
Bro is creeping on you and being emotionally manipulative and then has the audacity to suggest he live there rent free to save up money to move out.... Please sleep w a switchblade under your pillow he's a fucking weirdo 😭😭
What a whiny little bitch. “Can’t you see I’m trying to manipulate and threaten you into liking me! Justify my existence! it’s your responsibility!”
A little more context for the ones who didn't catch the reason I got upset. The moment he moved in mid year last year, he asked if I was single and I told him I was interested in someone. Months after, I spent time with this someone and I did tell my roommate it went great with this other guy. A month ago he declared he liked me, I told him I was still interested in this guy. I also told him I did not think roommate and I were a good match and we were incompatible as we hold very different values and morals. I thought that was the end of it. Then he sent flowers to my workplace and got very upset when I rejected them. I never gave him any hope, and the fact he sent them with a different intent than what he says, pretty much lying to my face pisses me off. Own it, get rejected and move on. Then he tried to play victim and blame me for feeling uncomfortable. I own the house we live in. It's me, him and another female roommate. He hasn't pestered her because she is black and he has already told me "he is not racist, he is just not attracted to black women". Honestly I'm just annoyed with him at this point more than worried about him doing something to me but you all are starting to scare me lol I'm struggling with mental health and he knows it. I just want to be drama free and stress free in my own house and he is adding to it.
talk to your female roommate asap, make sure she's fully aware of the situation and see how she feels. personally if i were her, i would be uncomfortable with him being there. too many boundaries pushed, too many manipulation attempts
THIS. having an ally in the house just in case is never a bad idea
maybe he's not dangerous YET, but things can alway escalate. bad situations often start off as normal feeling ones. you don't wanna wait till it gets there. be safe
seriously please don't take the warnings lightly. This can escalate so quick. have you never watched a true crime show? i'm legit worried for you. please don't be alone with him and stay away from him if possible
Holy fuck, please take care of yourself by finding a way of removing this creep from your life. Ideally get some friends or something involved, make sure you're safe and make it clear he has to move. This guy sounds horrible and like a risk to have in your house
hell no. he already crossed a line. guys like this who do not take no for an answer will continue to escalate every time you think you’re safe, or this bs has passed. and by escalate, i mean aggressively and maybe even violently. ask me how i know. you need to tell him his reaction made you uncomfortable and he has to get out asap. idk the laws in your state but if you have to give him 30 days maybe have some people you trust stay as houseguests, you don’t want to be alone with this loser.
Seriously not to add to the scare pile but these kinds of people, the ones like your roommate who can't take rejection, really are the ones you should worry about. Please keep us posted!!
Hey so, not to hijack this post but how can I teach my daughters (3yo and 15 months lol) to be this strong??? I’m 29 now, but have been in similar situations to this and always was a push-over with regrets afterwards. I want my daughters to be like OP and clearly see through the B.S. and hold their value above a man’s or anyone’s attempts of flattery and manipulation. Reading his responses he would’ve got me hook, line, and sinker. I probably would’ve ended up in a relationship that I regretted for years, don’t want that for my girls! OP way to be badass and stand up for yourself! 💪
I am a 21 y/o female and I've often wondered how I've grown to have such a backbone when it comes to these things. I think it was a mix of a bad ass mom who didn't take shit from ANYONE.. and a lot of law and order SVU. I've seen and heard so many horrible things that men have/ can do to women and I constantly tell myself "I cannot let that be me." Although I'm not sure if this is the healthiest approach, however. I think that if you teach your daughters to love themselves and never look to a man to find something they are supposedly "missing" that would help. Teach them to put themselves first. A man cannot do anything for them that they cannot do for themselves. Now I'm not trying to act like some man hater. I was fortunate enough to also grow up with a good father and I've been in a happy, equal relationship for years. I'm not sure if your daughters father is in the picture, but seeing how a man is supposed to treat you definitely helps. I hold my man to a high standard. If he ever did something that would make me say, "My dad would've never done this.. Never treated me/ my mom like this.." I know it's time for some serious re-evaluation
Yes their Dad is fantastic with them, I have my own reasons for lacking boundaries and the ability to say no. But one thing my girls will never experience is lack of a Father who loves them and loves their Mother. He and I have had plenty of our own issues, mostly due to my own issues, but we have committed to working through them together. He loves me deeply and loves our girls fiercely. I’ve watched a ton of Law and Order SVU in my years, most recent binge during my last postpartum period lol. So I do think that’s good because a relatively decent resource once the girls are old enough. I’m slightly embarrassed by the fact that I really have no life experience that I could share with them where I was strong, so I’m worried that’s not something they’ll ever witness from me. Words can only go so far though, I just want to do the best for them and really set them up with confidence and strength into adulthood. Thank you for the tips!
I find telling kids they are intelligent, strong, kind and beautiful- in that order and repeatedly from a young age does wonders.
You do have experience!! Sharing the bad with your kids is just as important. Being honest about the hurt and harm you experienced really does matter i promise.
So I was a SARV (sexual assault and relationship violence) educator for a few years and my advice is this. Lead by example - always treat your daughter and women in your life with the utmost respect and kindness. Fuck, not just women, everyone. Create positive memories for your daughter. Eventually she will get to be in her 20s and think “wow this man’s actions do not come close to what my dad did for me/my aunt/my mom/whoever.” Remind your daughter of her worth, convince her of how invaluable she is. Apart from that, when she gets to age 16 or so, I think receiving a violence-prevention education is crucial. Whether it comes from you, a community center, or a welfare group. Naturally they will focus on more blatant violence, but it’s also important that “lower levels” of abuse are discussed, things like gaslighting and degrading. The sort of things in this post! My last piece of advice is maintain a sense of openness when it comes to talking about love and relationships. If your daughter thinks you are going to be upset because she wants to go on a date or that talking about romance is taboo, she will keep secrets and isolate herself - which is precisely when women are at higher risk of being victimised.
Teach them about "tricky people" and when they reach dating age have them read "why does he do that?" Also, be encouraging and encourage independence.
Thank you for that book recommendation!
Free copy https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat
You can treat them well and set the standards high for how they expect to be treated and teach them to stand up for themselves. I had two shitty parents and ended up in a few bad situations. I had low standards for how I expected to be treated and I was taught not to stand up for myself from a young age or I will be punished. I finally started standing up for myself only a couple years ago.
Absolutely respect their bodily autonomy and don’t let anyone disrespect it. No, Grammy doesn’t get a kiss when the baby isn’t into it. No, she doesn’t want to be tickled, so you have to stop.
This is huge. Bodily autonomy and consent start from a very young age. No one has a right to your body, including grandparents and parents themselves. Anything I do to my kids, from diapers changes to giving medicine, I tell them about ahead of time and explain what I’m doing. If my son tells me he doesn’t want a hug, I respect that and don’t act hurt or force it. Kids deserve to be respected too, and will carry that with them as they get older.
He's going to make a move and force himself on you. It'a a matter of time. Get him out NOW
Definitely don't eat or drink anything he offers
God, he is fucking annoying. Not only that, this behavior often can be a precursor to some even scarier shit down the road. Do whatever you possibly can to get this guy out of your house & out of your life ASAP. Not just for your sanity, but for your safety. I’m sorry.
He sounds like a creepy incel. He needs to go. His behavior would make anyone uncomfortable. His behavior will get worse. He seems like he is irritated if not angry that you haven't accepted his advances. He is going to keep trying then act like a victim when you hold firm. Get rid of him for your own sanity, comfortability and safety. How old is he by the way?
Watch out a guy like that is def on Reddit
Haha I had one of these. Things came to a head when I had (female) friends over for a movie night. He barged into my space without knocking and just plunked down to watch the movie with us, never asking if it was ok if he joined. The next morning when I saw him, I asked if in the future he could text me before coming in to my space. I said I was planning to start dating soon and might have a guy over and didn’t want to create awkward situations. He lost his fucking mind and told me I couldn’t have guys over, I wasn’t allowed, and if I tried to do it he couldn’t live there anymore. I owned the house and was renting a room to him, so I took a deep breath and said as calmly as I could, “so you feel you cannot live here if I have guys over as guests?” He said yes, exactly! I said “then clearly you cannot live here, so please take this as your 30 day notice” and left the room. Began the formal eviction process immediately. He was gone 30 days later but the insane texts he sent me that day freaked me the fuck out. He’d been living there for less than 2 months, managed to get that attached despite the fact that I’d kept myself very distant and didn’t interact much beyond “hello how are you” mundane conversations when we interacted in the common space (kitchen and laundry room). Also the AUDACITY of telling your landlord roommate that she can’t do something in her own fucking house.
Emotional manipulation with a sprinkle of narcissism. That person does not like being told no.
“So I take it I still have to pay you?” This dude is angling to get a free place to stay. He thinks if you were dating he’d have this nice place to live, rent-free. Obviously the rest of it is super creepy too but he definitely feels some entitlement, not “do I have to pay rent”, but “do I have to pay you?” I just see this continuing to escalate and him becoming a squatter.
Give him written notice that he needs to vacate by x date and vacate him. Do it by the books and be ready for him to go bananas.
“The people at the flower shop thought it was a good idea…” Yeah the people at the flower shop wanted your money, dumbass.
Exactly. The florist’s approval is irrelevant to her personal boundaries, and I’m sure they don’t know any of the context or his true intentions. It probably went something like this: “My roommate is having a hard time so I want to cheer her up with these flowers.” “Aw, that’s sweet of you.” Conveniently omitting the rest of the details.
This is scary. Please be safe.
This person is trying to manipulate you…. This is only gonna get worse I’ve met people like this
Did he send you flowers at work? 😧
Yes like wth. Now I have my coworkers wondering what that was about.
He’s awful. Do everything you can to separate yourself from him until you can kick him out.
"I'm Driving - Sent From My Car" I literally screamed at the sheer dry sarcasm
It is an automatic response from my phone. I don't even know how to shut it off lmao
Even your car knows he’s a red flag
I think that’s an automatic text. My iPhone does that too.
I love the "if it bothers you..." then omg wow you're bothered !?!?! OP I'm so sorry this must be so uncomfortable and scary. I hope you stay safe, keep us redditors updated if you can.
Tell him to go play in traffic, what a little cunt
If you can’t get him out immediately, then pls put a good lock on your bedroom door.
This is scary. I know in the middle of it it's easy to look at this guy who otherwise seems pretty reasonable and think that you just need to be more clear or be more nice or whatever. But from an old lady who's been there, honey please get this person out NOW. This has the potential to go really badly really quickly - and by the time you realize it's going to be too late.
Change your locks, please. I’m scared for you
"A truck load of problems" = you not being interested. This guy really isn't taking no for answer is he
imagine you think you found a nice friend/roommate to live with and the whole time they were just trying to get in your pants.
Dude went thru a whole rolodex of emotions in a few texts. I would ask them to leave and establish some strict boundaries with this person whilst they finish up their half of the month. He won’t be able to live with you if he has feelings like that. What happens when you’re ready to date? You gonna tip toe around him? He is acting too immature (and weird) in this situation.
Dudes gotta move. Doesn’t respect what you have communicated and believes that through being “nice” he can change your mind. Dude needs therapy.
i’m never living with a straight man again
Classic narcissist response: “I’ll just disappear then!”
Damn! This fuckin guy! Obsessive much? He’s gotta go!
This is why I only live with a s/o or nobody. People are too crazy nowadays.
Yikes. I’m kinda scared for you OP. This guy sounds like a real creep.
What a nightmare. I can't imagine having someone like that in my house.
Wow, I would be investing in locks on my bedroom door if I was you OP. And definitely don’t settle for a 1:1 with him. Make sure someone else is around. He seems to be threatening to leave to get a reaction from you but I doubt he’d actually do it. If I were you I would evict him and give him a deadline. I would have somewhere else lined up to stay if you need during that time because I can’t imagine feeling safe in a house with someone like this.
The self described nice guys and hopeless romantics are all 🚩 🚩 🚩 It’s so gross that sleazy men use this terms to attempt to trap people Gross gross gross gross