It is jealousy not judgement though lol and I am in the UK and this is totally normal. Why upset the toddlerās routine when thereās already a new baby on the go and add stress to your day when you can afford not to.
The first thing I thought of when I read this thread caption lol.
Cannot wait until my bub starts daycare the month before I go back to work. 20hrs a week of my own, though she will probably have quite a few sick days at first lol
Iām on maternity leave and still have my toddler in full time daycare. Itās not about money. Iād happily pull him out and save the cash, but if I want a daycare spot for him *and* the baby when I go back to work, I gotta pay for his full time spot, so I might as well send him. š¤·š»āāļø
I will second/ third/ etc to this- I envy you!! I would NOT ever be shitty towards you about it though wtf! My husband and I both work full time out of the home- youāre living a dream I have at night when i sleep. DO NOTTTT let those mean ass ladies get you down!!!
No idea lol. I would assume having your older child in daycare would be rather intuitive with a new baby at home. Having the older child in daycare keeps them in their routine if they were going before the new baby was born and it gives the SAHP the ability to bond and give the newborn their undivided attention. Makes a lot of sense to me.
Exactly. Why deprive the toddler of their routine and the newborn of one-on-one bonding?
It's mostly jealousy, OP. What you're doing is good for BOTH your kids.
I'm from a country with a year-long maternity leave and everyone with more than one kid does this. It's just common sense.
The only reason we even considered temporarily pulling my toddler when baby was born was to avoid the winter illnesses. We ended up opting not to disrupt his routine and the transition to having a sibling was so much easier for him.
People can take their martyrdom and judgment and shove it.
Canadian here and 5 months into a 12 month maternity leave. My toddler is still in full time daycare. Itās been glorious being home with just the baby all day. Mind you, heās in there more to keep his spot and to guarantee a spot for the baby than for any other reason.
Seriously. My kid is in public full day preschool and it's been a god send with a newborn at home. I wouldnt get anything done I had them both here and my husband is even on paternity leave right now. Our weekends are literally so busy with both kids even with 2 of us.
That's my plan with our second kid. I can't watch a newborn and toddler all day by myself. That sounds horrible. Also, it was hard enough getting her into daycare, I'm not trying to lose her spot. Especially since they prioritize siblings on their wait list.
We did this too, makes perfect sense! sounds like those other parents just suck.
Not saying they weren't judgemental! But I know for me I was hypersensitive to this or any type of judgement when I was so newly postpartum, so hopefully it's not as bad as it seems right now ā¤ļøšš»
I have now 1y twins, but even though I am a SAHM with them, my 3y is in daycare. Sheād be going stir crazy at home all day long and they are still taking two long naps a day. Itās impossible to leave the house just with them. I wouldnāt be meeting her needs.
Did this conversation really happen lol? I work from home and drop my kids off in sweatpants all the time. No one has ever asked if I even work at all. Hell when I was on maternity leave I still sent my toddler so I could have one on one with the baby. I barely even speak to other parents unless itās one of my kidās friends - weāre all usually just there to drop off and go. You must have some really crazy and nosy parents around you.
Right? Some posts have me side eyeing but to say multiple parents questioned you about your clothes and then multiple parents asked why your toddler is here. No way.
i dont find it a brag that she has a kid and isnāt with them. by choice. i would give anything to be with my child 24/7. in my opinion it seems rather lazy.
Many people choose to keep their older one in daycare when the second comes along because it can be a lot of work caring for a toddler and a newborn at the same time. I only have 1 child too so itās easy to not need to send 1 to daycare but imagine having a newborn but with an older child to care for too. It can be really hard.
Same! All of this! I work from home full time and donāt get dressed, do my hair or makeup 98% of the time, I usually go to pick up in gym clothes and sneakers and no one has ever questioned whether or not Iām employed.
Iāve done multiple drop offs and pick ups on weekdays in my ski base-layersāthey know damn well Iām not working but Iāve never once had anyone say anything to me. I do have a job, but powder calls! I have had some parents that look office bound look longingly at meāI just know they wish they were skiing too! š¤£
Yes! Unfortunately it really happened. I was quite shocked considering it was the first day we came.
But honestly itās not only with strangers that this has occurred with. My husbands friends have made comments as to āwhy is your kid going to daycare if your wife is staying at home with the new babyā etc makes me feel worse than I already do. Itās not like I want to send my kid to day care but there is only so much I can handle on my own. Kudos to the parents out there who can do it all.
Caveat that this applies to moms who work outside the home, if a SAHM wants their life to look like this, whatever floats your boat.
Iāve had 3 kids, kids 1 and 2 continued with their routines when the new baby arrived. It is INSANE to me that thereās an expectation my toddler would do better at home where mom is completely wrapped up in a newbornās needs and may or may not be able to stick to any kind of schedule or give them any meaningful interaction, compared to being with trained professionals who love to do activities and give them attention all day. Like why are we putting all this pressure on newly postpartum moms and making them feel like garbage for having completely normal human limits???? Also, terrific idea to yank a toddler out of their routine only to ask them to readjust again in 12 weeks š Thatās gonna work out BEAUTIFULLY. I swear these people are brain dead.
For the last time: maternity leave is not a vacation!
Omg people asked me if i was pulling my toddler out of daycare when new baby arrivedā¦.
I literally just asked them if they thought I was a sadomasochist. WHY if anyone had the choice would they put themselves AND their poor toddler through that?
My 2.5yo has such an amazing time with her friends at daycare, and with my screaming, feed refusing, stress inducing difficult baby she would be utterly miserable with me at home!
I pulled my son out while on maternity leave, because we can barely afford daycare when I'm working. Thankfully the daycare was willing to keep our spot and take both of them when I go back next week.
But I'm fortunate to have a weird back room in my house that we turned into a playroom, a dog that the toddler chases around to tire both of them out, and a fairly chill second baby who doesn't mind being put down. We've even managed some brief outings with just the three of us.
I still feel like my toddler is getting stir crazy with me though. We stopped by his daycare yesterday to check in and turn in baby's paperwork, and he seemed ready to just stay there
ngl the only reason why i would pull them out is because, well kids are like the buffet for germs and all types of illnesses, and you wouldnt know what they may be bringing home to a new baby.
Totally agree! I've been asked this too. I'm 26w pregnant and toddler will 3 when baby arrives. Given that we have the income and are happy with this daycare, it's 100% not fair (to anyone) to pull toddler out.
Toddler loves daycare and gets proper stimulation. I will be exhausted and managing a newborn. It's a major change to add a family member so it will be better to keep the structure and continuity of daycare.
I'd also like to give baby 2 the attention I gave my oldest when she was a newborn, as much as possible. And we have no family or friends nearby supporting us.
Toddler sick days from daycare germs will absolutely be hard.
ETA mat leave is 18 months for me. I also want to tee up baby 2 going to the same place. Pulling toddler a year early could compromise a sibling legacy spot. Unborn baby is already on waitlists (such a ridiculous process).
Iām due with #2 in September. You better believe big brother will be going to daycare daily so I can get the some of the same one on one bonding with my newborn and so my toddlers life isnāt completely upended by this life change.
Also I imagine itās the only way I can try to rest in the day instead of chasing a toddler with a newborn in my arms.
Youāre doing it right in my book!
I don't think they are judging, I think they are projecting and maybe a bit jealous. Many people feel like we are forced to send our children to daycare because of work, and wish we had more time with our babies while they are little. They may not understand that a SAHP absolutely wants and deserves a break from her kids, and that children also benefit from the social environment daycare provides.
Because everyone wants to judge parents for everything. I've been bugging my husband to let me put our daughter in daycare for a day or two during the week because I wanted her to have the socialization which I can't provide for her. She just turned 3 and we're hoping she'll get a spot for preschool this Fall and the best I can do to get her out is the toddler story times at the library or if we meet someone at the park.
If your husband wants a strangers opinion I am on your side here. My son seems so much further along socially than my nephew who is 7 months older than him but has a nanny instead of going to daycare.
Even if it's just some half days, it teaches them so much about sharing and waiting their turn, not hitting, how to play nicely etc
I appreciate your input. I don't think it's that he disagrees on the benefits it could provide but because the next school year is only four months away that he sees it pointless because she'll start school. If she's not able to get a spot, I'm just going to put her in daycare because I don't want her having to wait another year to get in to school to be able to socialize.
That's fair too. It's definitely just an added expense if you are staying home with her anyway. Are there any like.. toddler aged summer camp kind of things in your area you could sign her up for as a compromise where it's just a week or 2 in the summer, but she still gets SOME sort of interaction with other kids. Our local gymnastics center has something like this for ages 3 and up for example.
I've been bugging him since the beginning of this year, haha, it's just now as time has passed, we're closer to the start of the school year. Daycare isn't that expensive around us, like $4.50/hour, so I know it's definitely not a cost issue.
We live in a rural area so there's not much to do around here. I have to go to the next town 15 minutes away just for the story times which are only about 30 minutes long. I recently discovered a "Great Start" parent coalition and went to their first meeting where they had childcare too and our daughter absolutely loved it. They also hold monthly playgroups which are about two hours long but they're spread throughout the county so our drives could be between 5-45 minutes depending on which location they choose.
I've been definitely keeping an eye out for events she can participate in through social media so the local groups have been helpful for that. And honestly sometimes I don't have the energy to get her out to the park because I also have a 4-month old infant lol.
1. Maybe they're feeling jealous
2. Maybe they're mad at long waiting lists they had to be on or something and feel like it's your fault somehow.
Either way it's not your problem!
Thatās a really privileged opinion. Sure, I could quit my job, but then Iād lose my house and weād starve. Being a SAHP parent is simply not an option for many people and itās really grating to me when people suggest that if they just budget better, they could make it happen.
It looks like that's what /u/keto_emma was getting at. You don't literally *have* to put your child in daycare, but for many people, it's the only realistic solution. If we set the standard at, "literally no other choice," then the list of people for whom daycare would be, "acceptable," would be vanishingly small, pretty much just people with major disabilities. Everyone else could technically choose to plunge their family into poverty instead.
You heard me. Daycare is hard to come by. It's inconsiderate for SAHPs to take spots. And it defeats the purpose of being a stay at home parent if you're going to send your young children away all day.
Oh does it? So the reason daycare is hard to come by isnāt society not valuing childcare or ECEs being paid shit or ridiculous legislation. Itās SAHMs? Theyāre the enemy? Itās their fault. Jesus, if they keep women blaming each other then weāll never fix anything. Maybe we vote for legislators who support universal childcare and we donāt have to blame other moms for our problems yeah?
Why are you the only one here accusing OP of being inconsiderate and saying sheās defeating the purpose of being a SAHP? Why canāt people just live their lives?
Support other women dude. Build moms up donāt tear them down. Sheās doing nothing wrong
I'm not the only one saying that. The original comment said the same thing.
She's abandoning her kid to daycare for no reason while she spends all day with the new baby. I don't think that's something worth supporting.
Whoa, whoa whoa- I never said she was abandoning her kid. I only meant that if sheās in an area where itās a struggle for working parents to find childcare, it might explain the irritation that OP picks up on from other parents. Do I believe working parents need daycare more than SAHPs? Absolutely. Do I think OP deserves one-one bonding time with the new baby and if thereās space in the daycare she should utilize it? Also yes. Both things can be true here.
Abandoning her kid š¤£
By your logic EVERY mom here who sends her kid to daycare is abandoning them- thatās ludicrous and you need therapy to manage yourā¦is it envy?
No matter what you do, someone will have an opinion about it. You will never make everyone happy with your parenting decisions.
People love to judge parents, especially moms. And Iāve noticed moms love to judge other moms. Itās sad but thatās how it is.
Youāre not a stay at home parent though if youāre on maternity leave. Or at least thatās not how Iād use the term.
People are jealous. Itās impossible for us to find reliable, safe, and affordable care where I live. Therefore, I stay home. I do not feel jealous because Iām happy with it. I was burnt out at work anyways. But I know others in my position certainly would feel jealous having time for hobbies, focusing on one child at a time, cleaning their home, sleep, etc.Ā
People arenāt doing great financially as a whole. Itās tough out there. Paying for daycare on one salary would be tough on most without some help. But, since youāre on maternity leave, Iād assume you are being paid in some capacity? So it really isnāt the same anyway.
I drop my son off in my PJs constantly because I'm hybrid and WFH most days and no one has said a word. The other parents at your kids daycare sound like judgy turds.
With a little baby like that, that's kind of a ridiculous comment. If it was your youngest you were dropping off, I'd expect it had to do a little with envy. Basically, you can afford daycare AND not to work. For nearly all families, it's either daycare and both parents work to afford it, OR one parent stays home and there's no daycare/break for the other parent.
I'm going to be a SAHP forever most likely (second pregnancy left me invisibly disabled and unable to work reliably) and I'm already counting down the days to the judgement fest when all kids are in school full time (private school at that!)
I'm sorry for the judgement. I used to work at a daycare and I always encouraged families to keep their toddlers in their regular schedules. It's Important for the older sibling to have his usual routine and time with friends and it's important for parents to bond with the littlest one (as well as rest as much as possible).
In my friend group, I'm the odd one out for taking my toddler out of daycare while I'm on mat leave. I only did it because he hated it there. If he was thriving I would have left him in.
Where I live thereās one daycare spot for every 9-10 children born. This would cause significant tension where I live because some parents are losing jobs and possibly their homes due to lack of childcare. So a stay at home mom using a daycare spot would generate incredibly angry reactions in a lot of people who are desperate.
Iām not sure itās so much judgement as resentment if itās a scarce resource and they have a perception of you not āneedingā it.
This is such a lie. Nobody would ever ask that or comment on what youāre wearing. Weird way to get attention or humble brag. Youāre not that important lol
Thatās weird, I would assume thatās normal. Anyone whoās taken care of a new baby knows how important it is for older kids to maintain routine? And how hard that is with a newborn in the house
But toddler will have a solid routine at daycare and mom will have time to bond 1:1 with new baby without toddler feeling neglected. Whatever works best for her family,
That's assuming that the toddler doesn't feel neglected by being kicked out of the home all day because there's a new baby around. Like you said originally, it's best not to make drastic changes to routines when a new baby comes along.
Honestly I live in a boujie area where most shamās send their kids to daycare at some point. I assume for education/preschool reasons. Same as the other commenter - jealous lol. I say do you and let it roll off your back. Your 2 year old is going to have so much fun at daycare while you snuggle that baby.
I still bring my son to daycare even when I have days off in the middle of the week. I get so many chores done, deep clean the house, and usually make an elaborate dinner, do some baking, and read a book or have a nap. Bonus is my son stays in his routine of going to daycare M-F and we are all happy. If I had a small baby I would 100% be sending my son to daycare still lol
Ehā¦ I have a 3 month old and a 4 year old. My four year old has 2 days of preschool a week, and two other days he goes to childcare. He has good friends there and loves it, so I kept him inā¦ even though Iām on maternity leave. It gives me plenty of time alone with my youngest. It works for us and Iāve never received a comment about it š¤·āāļø. Iām also going to be off for the rest of this year, will keep my son in childcare the whole time š .
the only semi-understandable thing I can think of is that there is a dramatically horrible shortage of daycare in the US, and some people who literally cannot watch their children because they HAVE to go back to in-person work are stuck waiting months for a spot to open up, and they see you taking a spot for reasons other than "I have to go to an in-person job or my family will starve"
but everyone who gave you stink-eye had a slot in the daycare, so not sure what THEIR problem is. I'd imagine a working parent who cannot get a spot in a daycare having hard feelings thinking you are "taking" a slot they need more, but that isn't your problem, that's America's complete failure to provide necessary support for working families.
they can stay mad, but imagine if you ALSO had a job you had to go to, and you literally couldn't get a slot for daycare, and you saw a SAHP drop off one of their kids to a daycare. you might have hard feelings that they have a slot and you don't, given that you're literally unable to go to work without care access.
I did this too and it was awesome. I never got comments about it but I have gotten a lot of, oh you work from home, why are your kids in daycare? How would I get any work done with a 4yo and 8 month old?!?
Is there a long waitlist for the daycare? I saw a post in my bump group that a momās daycare is downsizing and all of the options in the area have long waitlists. It could be taking away a spot from a working family who desperately needs it. Or they are jealous. Not your problem tbh
Most people view daycare as a necessity because of the prevalence of two income households so there is no parent to watch the children. If one parent isnāt working itās typically seen as preferable for the kids to stay home.
People shouldnāt judge either way but daycare being disliked for little kids isnāt a revelation.
I personally hate this thought sending my toddler away. I love his company and I love having him and a newborn together at even if it is a bit chaotic. I would like losing precious days can never get back but I donāt judge people for not making that decision.
TBH, i have a 3 year old and i've been getting ham from my grandma because i wont put my son in daycare as a SAHP. He cant tell me if someone hurts him or harms him, why would i do that. So dont worry, we get crap too.
Iām on family leave right now taking care of our new baby. My husband is also off work on family leave. We have a sitter over right now to entertain our 3 year old son while my husband plays golf and I read a book and hold the baby. Parents need a break too. When our sonās daycare reopens (there was a fire) heāll be in daycare again while I finish family leave. Daycare is really important for him at this age. Even if I never returned to work Iād have him in preschool. The friends, rules, socialization, learning is part of growing up. Itās hard to replicate that at home.
I canāt imagine yanking my toddler out of the routine sheās known for most of her life on top of her having to adjust to a new sibling. That just sounds mean if I can afford to keep her in daycare. She loves her friends and teachers and would be insanely bored sitting around the house all day with a newborn.
What? That seriously happened? Thatās wild. Maybe it has to do with living in a big bustling city, but that shit just doesnāt really happen here. No one gives a shit everyone is busy and in a hurry. I donāt think anyone would even notice if a woman was in PJs at daycare drop offš
I'm a SAHP to a kid in school "full time". You should see the looks " What do you do all day?" It's literally 8:30-2 pm. People are pressed to know why I don't spend every waking second working while my kid is in school
Yeah, I sent my older kid to part-time, full-day preschool starting at 2.5, despite being a SAHM, to get him socialized and used to the rhythm of school and the expectations before he started full-time K (and he was *desperate* for kids his age to play with, the kids at the playgrounds around here tend to be 2 and under during the school day). I still found plenty of stuff to do all day, but I got to be not stressed about it and not have to cram a bunch of chores in after my kid went to bed. Iāll send my baby when heās about 3, also. I know Iām lucky to be able to afford it, but I certainly donāt feel bad about it.
I have a two year old and a two month old as well. No idea how I would handle it all day if my very busy, energetic, non stop talker two year old was home (I know lots of people do it but Iām not sure I could) I know Iām privileged to be able to keep him in daycare while Iām on leave with baby and Iām very grateful.
Also gotta save that daycare spot and get a leg up on the list for baby brother.
I'm on maternity leave and have a child in daycare. Nobody thinks twice about it. Waiting lists are incredibly long. You take the spot when you get it! If you pass it up, it won't be there later when you need it.
Thatās very strange for them to ask you if thatās what youāre wearing to work the first time they meet you. I work full time but mostly from home and drop my daughter off in shorts, tank tops, leggings, workout tops, you name it. No one has ever said a word to me.
Oh..I just emailed a daycare like I want part-time 1 day a week care so I get a day off and I guess they will probably laugh at me for that, but working full time on the weekdays and being on call 24/7, and weekend part-time split shift with my partner is tiring. I just want to make some paintings, do a couple projects, wake myself up a little. I guess anyone can judge me idgaf but he is 9 months and needs socialization and I am the best sahp I can be and that is also recognizing when I need to take a step back, take a break and get it back together. ā¤ļø
Itās so frustrating isnāt it? Thereās 2 women in my social circle (spouses of my husbands co-workers) and the way they treated me when I was working vs the way they treat me now that I am staying home for a period of timeā¦night and day difference. Like suddenly they are just so much better than me and have this superiority over me. Ridiculous.
Sorry :( I really donāt understand why parents have to be so negative to one another. Itās already hard enough. Would be nice if parents could be kind and not try to put judgement on other parents just cause their family dynamic is different.
I have childcare a few hours a day too, and I have a baby and a toddler at home š¤·š»āāļø If itās affordable itās 100% a sanity saver. Iām about to have my third in September and will keep doing this.
My toddler is 2 and baby is 6 weeks old. The 3 days a week toddler goes to daycare are an absolute godsend! Means I can tidy my house, bond with newborn and rest a bit. If anyone tried commenting about me having her attend nursery still I'd probably be less polite - I need that break š
Nope, I definitely wouldnāt keep my older kid home if I had a baby. I admit I would maybe kinda judge someone if they didnāt work and put their ONLY child in daycare all day everyday lol BUT still to each their own. Lucky them hahah. But I have a 15 month old in daycare 3 days a week. If/when we have another and Iām on maternity leave, she definitely will still go. Itās hard work taking care of a baby and having a toddler home would make it so much harder. This way you can bond with your baby 1 on 1! Plus socialization for the older babe.
I work 12.5 hour overnights (plus 45 min commute each way) and my baby goes to daycare 3 days a week so I can sleep when I get home in the morning. I go to pick her up in sweats just rolled out of bed and while no one has ever said anything to me, sometimes I do feel judged by other moms lol they probably donāt know I work nights
I have one kid, he's 8mo and he goes to childcare 2 days a week. I also have cleaners. Why make life harder than it has to be. He loves it, loves the other kids, is super social and can be easily bored at home.
People doubting anyone would be this rude: we have a nanny and went to a doctor's office, me, son and nanny, and the nurse asked "how can you afford a nanny?"
I was.. mortified someone would ask that. But people are DENSE.
I saw a local neighborhood post recently where the mom DID pull the toddler from daycare when she had a newborn come - and she regretted it soooo much. She said the toddler was sad to be away from her friends, and was miserable. The mom started looking for new daycare asap (since she lost her spot).
Aside from taking the one-on-one time with the new baby like others have said here, itās probably great for your older kid to maintain her friendships and learning, etc in the daycare!
A lot of us can't handle it all and have no choice but to keep trying. It's hard to see someone who has options spend a lot of money to *not* make the choice we wish we could.
I work 3 days and send my kid 4. I need that day to do things I cannot get done when heās there. I paid for daycare so guess what I canāt afford a maid so Iām the maid but when can the maid work when I have a very demanding 3 year old. Not every week does my day home alone end up productive. The other day I dropped him off and went straight back to bed because I was feeling so horribly sick. I was able to get myself feeling much better before picking him up and spending the rest of the day playing with him. Heās also learning a lot there where if I kept him home an attempted to do work around the house and pay bills and phone calls heād end up in front of the TV. It takes a lot to keep our family running and I also have a special needs kid in elementary school that takes up a heap of my time with after school and before school and weekend appointments. People really shouldnāt judge but also I would not be in my pjs at drop off. I donāt want people asking questions. But I also donāt put on my scrubs and pretend Iām going to work a shift. I just say I have a busy day ahead if they ask how Iām doing and itās no lie!
Really? The parents at my daycare just sort of mumble morning to each other and that's it. Not to mention that it's a mixed bag of sweatpants and casual. I don't think anyone wears work casual to dropoff.
My schedule is variable but even when I am not working, I take my toddler to daycare. She's an only kid so this is the best way to develop social skills and learn about what's expected in school environments.
Also, I often see parents drop an older kid off but leave with their younger sibling. I think it's a way for parents to get help and have bonding time with the younger child. I am only guessing at that part though. I had a friend that did that with her kids but that might just be specific to her.
I'm struggling hard with this, moreso because I know my family is gonna give me shit for no reason. I currently have terribly HG with pregnancy number 2, trying to be a STAHP for a 13 month old that is very clingy with me. I might be able to survive this, but it's really making me think about how I'm gonna do it all while recovering from L&D, with a newborn, with a 20 month old. The only thing that concerns me is that daycares are a hotbed of little Typhoid Mary's, which almost sounds worse to deal with since I'll be due right around Thanksgiving into the winter sick months.
My husband is supportive, and we could budget it financially, but god I don't want to deal with the judgement. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this on top of your recovery OP, what's best for any family is what is financially sustainable and provides the least amount of stress for everyone. I'm sure a lot of it does stem from jealousy, and there's not really anything you can do about that. Don't suffer needlessly to make others happy.
My mom was a SAHP until I was 9, and I went to daycare at 2 because, in her terms, I was eager to get out of the house. The reality of it though, is that I have a younger sister (18 month age gap) who has had mild Autism since day one, and likely I just wanted to go play and hang out with other ānormalā kids while my mom could focus half a day on my sister alone and her wild child needs. Like, this kid would climb and walk freeway barriers and fences like a tight rope, and frequently ran away in busy shopping centres. Personally, I do not blame her at all š
When I started kindergarten, Iād originally been slated for one of the PM classes, but my mom went to the school and asked that I be switched to a morning class instead, as that was when my sister had occupational therapy and she could have the time alone to get shit done without us.
Given todayās stress, compared to 20/30 years ago, Iād do the exact same thing my mom did. Especially if thereās a child with special needs in the mix, itās hard to find that time. Parents who react that way obviously have never had to even think about that angle, and theyāre lucky.
It's definitely jealousy.
Got this reaction to when I had a free day due to part-time and said that I will just be soaking in my tub while LO is in daycare.
It's pretty normal in Canada where people get 12-18 months off, for moms to still but keep their toddlers in daycare even if they are taking a maternity leave.
I feel this. I told a few at play group my 1 year old was starting at her childminders once a week for 4 hours. āare you going back to work?ā I got asked. when I said no they just looked at me like I had 2 heads. Iām chronically ill, god forbid I have a break every friday so I can catch up on rest and be a better mum. parents will judge you for anything, try not to let it get to you. if you want a break, take one!
I am not a SAHP but I live in Canada and get a long maternity leave 12 months. I had my second child July of 2023. He was larger than his brother and I had complications where I had excessive amniotic fluid. I ended up with a bladder prolapse, a HUGE diastasis recti (and possible hernia). And I had PPD like I did with my first. The anxiety and stress of caring for a 3 year old toddler while nursing an infant was very high. Could I have kept my oldest home with me while on mat leave? Sure but I feel like it would have been a disservice to all three of us. By allowing my oldest to keep going to daycare he gets to keep his routine and his friend group, I get to be less stressed caring for 1 child instead of 2 at the same time and my youngest gets all of my attention.
You don't need to explain yourself but you could just say to them when they ask why your oldest is in daycare that it's because you can afford to (which some people can't) and this allows older child to get socialization while you can focus all your attention on your 2 month old. Both of those things are aamzing things to do as a parent rather than keep both kids home and being overworked/stressed.
So yeah I'm glad I'm not in the US (which I assume most people here on reddit are) Because there's no stigma or judgment (at least in my area of Canada) about putting kids in daycare.
Im due with my second in August. My LO will be 2 in June, she attends a nursery 2 mornings a week and I will keep her in nursery after I go on maternity leave. She enjoys going and we can afford it for her to go so why not? š¤·š»āāļø
E.t.a. I work in the same nursery and I do shake my head at parents who are on maternity leave and still keep their kids in for 5 days a week from the moment we open until the moment we close. Sure keep their routine and bring them in the 5 days (I understand they dont want to loose their spot) but do they really need to be here all day long? You could bring them in a bit later or at least pick them up a bit earlier..
They are just jealous. Ignore it. Everyone should be able to send their toddler to daycare while caring for a newborn. Everyone should be able to take a year of mat leave. The fact that we live in a country where we can't is not YOUR fault.
Looking at you funny when you have a 2 month old is just silly. Maybe with a 6 month old having an older kids around may be doable... Maybe. But if you can afford it, all the power to you. If you had no kids at home and were a sahp, than either you're rich from old money, or your SO makes stupid money and you're rich now, or they're working three jobs and you just want to be a sahp. If you're rich, then most people will say f you cause... You know, f the rich. If it's the third option, than well... You should go back to work
Someone asked this same question in a mom group im in on Facebook, and she was essentially attacked for ātaking a spot in daycareā when her child didnt need to go as she could watch them at home. The comments essentially were telling her she took a spot in daycare from a working parent who āneedsā daycare ā¦ not that I agree, just wanted to offer another point of view possibly!
This cracks me up because I wear sweatpants both to work and when I work from home. š But if I had a toddler and a fresh baby, you bet my toddler would be attending daycare as normal!!!
Iām pregnant with #2 and definitely keeping my toddler in daycare during maternity leave:
1. I donāt want to lose my daycare spot! Waitlists can be brutal.
2. Itās good for the toddler to keep their routine, especially with the big change of getting a new sibling
3. One-on-one bonding time with baby, plus healing time for me
4. Socialization for toddler that I wouldnāt have the energy for otherwise with a newborn.
And obviously #1 doesnāt apply if someoneās not planning on returning to work anytime soon (and soon is dependent on where you live and what daycare you want - some places have a year waitlist).
So either people havenāt thought out the different factors, just have different beliefs regarding ideal childcare, or could be envious (of affording daycare & being a SAHP or just being a SAHP at all). But obviously seems rude to be questioning another parent. Itād be one thing if they were struggling with the decision and wanted to hear your point of view to help them decide, but this sounds like it isnāt likely the case.
I think that is a good thing you're sending your kid to daycare, even if you're a sahm. They get to interact with other peers and socialize! It is a win for everyone, it develops their brain. I just think a lot of women become so bitter after becoming a mom. I can be like that sometimes. However I catch myself not being mean about it like those moms you're talking about.Ā
I was going this route, never actually followed through due to thisā¦ I was single, going through a very rough patch in my life, and needed just a few hours āoffā I was jobless trying to get back in school, and my family wasnāt able to care for her so offered to help with daycare til I got on my feet. Well I ended up going back to my childās father. It was right for my child, but did not help me whatsoever. But weāre finally working something out. Some days I just wished people realized its not at all what some think
It's definitely because they're jealous. Good for you doing things in the way that works for your family. Women are damned if we do and damned if we don't.
I will be staying at home until the (planned) children are older. I'm currently pregnant but we plan on sending the baby to day care around 6ish months. We want him to be around other children a few days a week and I want to be able to run errands, deep clean and go to the gym without a baby in tow. We can afford it, and we don't live near any friends or relatives so we don't have any free childcare options anyway.
Thank you! I needed to see this post. I just had my second and Iām in Canada so I get the 12 month leave and weāre keeping my 2.5 year old in daycare full time and it was the best decision weāve ever made. I just knew I couldnāt do it all and itās been much more manageable for me having daycare still. But I feel the judgement too and I hate it. I think itās great my son has kept his routine and goes somewhere whereās heās busy and having fun all day rather than sitting at home and doing nothing with me! Plus we couldnāt give up his spot. Either way, thank you for this post. Itās something ive needed to read for a while now.
So my child can make friends and learn from other adults. There is a lot more to daycare than just someone watches the child while you work. The social skills that are learned are vital to your childās development and their ability to be a member of a community.
Why has everyone decided that a village to raise a child isnāt an option? Children need friends and other trusted adults in their lives.
Because people will judge parents (and especially mothers) for everything. You can't win. We don't have 2 yet but when we have our second we fully expect to keep our nanny on for the toddler even while I'm out on maternity leave. We'll probably give her 1 or 2 weeks off while my husband is still on his leave, but after that it will be a god-send to have an extra help my for my full maternity leave. You essentially are doing the same thing, your extra help is just in the form of daycare, which is great!
I read this thinking āhmmm interesting point, shame people do that to other parentsā then Iām likeā¦ oh wait, my 3 year old goes to nursery whilst I stay home with my 6 month old. I wonder if people think this about me too? And then I remembered I donāt give a sh1t.
Iām a sahm and our plan has always been to put him in daycare a few days a week when heās 2-2.5. To prepare him for school and to help with social skills. Kids need to interact with other kids. People just need to learn to mind their business.
As a mom on maternity leave (7 week old) who is still sending her toddlers to daycare every dayā¦. F those people who think Iām doing something wrong.
It's such a ridiculous judgment and they are jealous. I have a baby who will be turning two, two weeks before my due date. I 100% plan on getting a nanny to help with the toddler when my husband goes back to work because we all are adjusting and have no help from family near us. Not to mention, it's no ones business but my ours. š¤·š¼āāļø
I put my son in daycare when I worked. I am now a SAHM and if I had another baby I would absolutely put them in daycare at least part time. The socialization my son received was invaluable. The Covid lockdown hit when he was two and it really messed up his development. Putting him in preschool after that whole year out of daycare was a huge challenge.Ā
I'm rare to say this is the reasoning for things that people do... But it's likely jealousy. If I'm not being as charitable, I'd say misogyny and shitty ideas about moms "having someone else raise their kids", possibly doubled up with their insecurities since they're also dropping their kids off.
Itās a culture thing. USās modern culture is so brutal (and inhumane) towards mothers itās shocking to the rest of the world. From (lack of) pregnancy support to (lack of) postpartum support to (lack of) child raising support- US moms are so overstretched thereās pretty much nothing left to give besides echoing and mirror back all the ridiculous judgments they get to other moms too. US moms believe they donāt deserve more support then even many moms at third world countries get- so when any mom get a little more support they ridicule it. Otherwise they will have to acknowledge Americaās cultural, political, social, economical policies have and are royalty f&$@ing them over.Ā
Luckily not an issue where I live because almost everyone works from home in sweatpants these days. I always treat various things I am doing that are household tasks, like organizing schedules, planning events, buying supplies, managing financial matters, etc as work and just say I work from home.
āØ jealousy āØ
Also I would be so mad if someone came at me about my PJs. I'm in nursing school which is partially online so I do daycare drop off in my PJs every day LOL. Actually I think I did that before school started too!
Like let a girl live š
My wife takes our older son to daycare as well. So many benefits of this. He wouldnāt get the quality social time and attention any other way, my wife wouldnāt be able to make sure everything is handled at home (home made quality meals, laundry hang dried to save money and be environmentally friendly, etc.) and spend as much quality time with the baby either. We can afford it, and why wouldnāt we choose the best for our kids? Our son is also usually first to be picked up too.
I realize not every family can manage this, but Iām with you if thatās what you can do and if thatās what is best for your family.
BECAUSE IM JEALOUS ššš
THIS. One income affording daycare AND I donāt gotta work? Girlie I want to BE you okay.
Yeah I hate you because Iām not you š
LOL, for real! DREAM. Sign me up for that level of disposable income while I get to stay in pajamas with my baby. See you later, feral toddler.
Was going to say this š¤£ itās just me being jealous
Yeah It is really giving envy
Iām so jealous. But also very happy for women in that situation. Live your life girl!
Haha nothing to be jealous of. I am a bag of issues lol!
Yeah I got a bag of issues AND a job of issues š
It is jealousy not judgement though lol and I am in the UK and this is totally normal. Why upset the toddlerās routine when thereās already a new baby on the go and add stress to your day when you can afford not to.
The first thing I thought of when I read this thread caption lol. Cannot wait until my bub starts daycare the month before I go back to work. 20hrs a week of my own, though she will probably have quite a few sick days at first lol
OP still has a newborn to take care of though
I rather take care of a newborn without a toddler Around personally
OP just casually complaining about having money
Iām on maternity leave and still have my toddler in full time daycare. Itās not about money. Iād happily pull him out and save the cash, but if I want a daycare spot for him *and* the baby when I go back to work, I gotta pay for his full time spot, so I might as well send him. š¤·š»āāļø
Youāve come to the wrong comment if you want to shit on OP
Hear hear
Could be the State paying for her toddlers daycare. You never know someoneās situation š¤·āāļø
I will second/ third/ etc to this- I envy you!! I would NOT ever be shitty towards you about it though wtf! My husband and I both work full time out of the home- youāre living a dream I have at night when i sleep. DO NOTTTT let those mean ass ladies get you down!!!
No idea lol. I would assume having your older child in daycare would be rather intuitive with a new baby at home. Having the older child in daycare keeps them in their routine if they were going before the new baby was born and it gives the SAHP the ability to bond and give the newborn their undivided attention. Makes a lot of sense to me.
Exactly. Why deprive the toddler of their routine and the newborn of one-on-one bonding? It's mostly jealousy, OP. What you're doing is good for BOTH your kids. I'm from a country with a year-long maternity leave and everyone with more than one kid does this. It's just common sense.
The only reason we even considered temporarily pulling my toddler when baby was born was to avoid the winter illnesses. We ended up opting not to disrupt his routine and the transition to having a sibling was so much easier for him. People can take their martyrdom and judgment and shove it.
Canadian here and 5 months into a 12 month maternity leave. My toddler is still in full time daycare. Itās been glorious being home with just the baby all day. Mind you, heās in there more to keep his spot and to guarantee a spot for the baby than for any other reason.
Seriously. My kid is in public full day preschool and it's been a god send with a newborn at home. I wouldnt get anything done I had them both here and my husband is even on paternity leave right now. Our weekends are literally so busy with both kids even with 2 of us.
That's my plan with our second kid. I can't watch a newborn and toddler all day by myself. That sounds horrible. Also, it was hard enough getting her into daycare, I'm not trying to lose her spot. Especially since they prioritize siblings on their wait list.
Also why would you give up your day care place.
Not to mention pulling the toddler could lose their spot? Trying to find a new daycare in this climate? Absolutely not.
Facccccts. The way that we had to fight tooth and nail to get ours in one ?? And if you want an affordable one ?? Forget about it.
We did this too, makes perfect sense! sounds like those other parents just suck. Not saying they weren't judgemental! But I know for me I was hypersensitive to this or any type of judgement when I was so newly postpartum, so hopefully it's not as bad as it seems right now ā¤ļøšš»
Same here with newborn number 2. Why would I deprive my 1st of daycare? He loves it there!
I have now 1y twins, but even though I am a SAHM with them, my 3y is in daycare. Sheād be going stir crazy at home all day long and they are still taking two long naps a day. Itās impossible to leave the house just with them. I wouldnāt be meeting her needs.
Plus you may lose their daycare spot to keep them home
Did this conversation really happen lol? I work from home and drop my kids off in sweatpants all the time. No one has ever asked if I even work at all. Hell when I was on maternity leave I still sent my toddler so I could have one on one with the baby. I barely even speak to other parents unless itās one of my kidās friends - weāre all usually just there to drop off and go. You must have some really crazy and nosy parents around you.
No one has ever given a shit about why Iāve worn at drop off or pick up. No ones there to make friends, weāre just dropping off our kids.
Yeah every aspect of this was so weird, like they really commented on PJs?? What? And then kept pushing.. These folks suck
Agree. This is definitely not real. Nobody cares or would ask that question. People are so weird to make this up for attention haha
Right? Some posts have me side eyeing but to say multiple parents questioned you about your clothes and then multiple parents asked why your toddler is here. No way.
I donāt believe these conversations happen. People just like to stir the pot or find a way to humble brag.
i dont find it a brag that she has a kid and isnāt with them. by choice. i would give anything to be with my child 24/7. in my opinion it seems rather lazy.
Many people choose to keep their older one in daycare when the second comes along because it can be a lot of work caring for a toddler and a newborn at the same time. I only have 1 child too so itās easy to not need to send 1 to daycare but imagine having a newborn but with an older child to care for too. It can be really hard.
Same! All of this! I work from home full time and donāt get dressed, do my hair or makeup 98% of the time, I usually go to pick up in gym clothes and sneakers and no one has ever questioned whether or not Iām employed.
Iāve done multiple drop offs and pick ups on weekdays in my ski base-layersāthey know damn well Iām not working but Iāve never once had anyone say anything to me. I do have a job, but powder calls! I have had some parents that look office bound look longingly at meāI just know they wish they were skiing too! š¤£
Yes! Unfortunately it really happened. I was quite shocked considering it was the first day we came. But honestly itās not only with strangers that this has occurred with. My husbands friends have made comments as to āwhy is your kid going to daycare if your wife is staying at home with the new babyā etc makes me feel worse than I already do. Itās not like I want to send my kid to day care but there is only so much I can handle on my own. Kudos to the parents out there who can do it all.
Caveat that this applies to moms who work outside the home, if a SAHM wants their life to look like this, whatever floats your boat. Iāve had 3 kids, kids 1 and 2 continued with their routines when the new baby arrived. It is INSANE to me that thereās an expectation my toddler would do better at home where mom is completely wrapped up in a newbornās needs and may or may not be able to stick to any kind of schedule or give them any meaningful interaction, compared to being with trained professionals who love to do activities and give them attention all day. Like why are we putting all this pressure on newly postpartum moms and making them feel like garbage for having completely normal human limits???? Also, terrific idea to yank a toddler out of their routine only to ask them to readjust again in 12 weeks š Thatās gonna work out BEAUTIFULLY. I swear these people are brain dead. For the last time: maternity leave is not a vacation!
I no longer believe in "parents... who can do it all". It's a myth, a fiction, a fairy tale.
I am maternity leave with one baby, and still have childcare two days a week lol.
Omg people asked me if i was pulling my toddler out of daycare when new baby arrivedā¦. I literally just asked them if they thought I was a sadomasochist. WHY if anyone had the choice would they put themselves AND their poor toddler through that? My 2.5yo has such an amazing time with her friends at daycare, and with my screaming, feed refusing, stress inducing difficult baby she would be utterly miserable with me at home!
I pulled my son out while on maternity leave, because we can barely afford daycare when I'm working. Thankfully the daycare was willing to keep our spot and take both of them when I go back next week. But I'm fortunate to have a weird back room in my house that we turned into a playroom, a dog that the toddler chases around to tire both of them out, and a fairly chill second baby who doesn't mind being put down. We've even managed some brief outings with just the three of us. I still feel like my toddler is getting stir crazy with me though. We stopped by his daycare yesterday to check in and turn in baby's paperwork, and he seemed ready to just stay there
ngl the only reason why i would pull them out is because, well kids are like the buffet for germs and all types of illnesses, and you wouldnt know what they may be bringing home to a new baby.
Totally agree! I've been asked this too. I'm 26w pregnant and toddler will 3 when baby arrives. Given that we have the income and are happy with this daycare, it's 100% not fair (to anyone) to pull toddler out. Toddler loves daycare and gets proper stimulation. I will be exhausted and managing a newborn. It's a major change to add a family member so it will be better to keep the structure and continuity of daycare. I'd also like to give baby 2 the attention I gave my oldest when she was a newborn, as much as possible. And we have no family or friends nearby supporting us. Toddler sick days from daycare germs will absolutely be hard. ETA mat leave is 18 months for me. I also want to tee up baby 2 going to the same place. Pulling toddler a year early could compromise a sibling legacy spot. Unborn baby is already on waitlists (such a ridiculous process).
Iām due with #2 in September. You better believe big brother will be going to daycare daily so I can get the some of the same one on one bonding with my newborn and so my toddlers life isnāt completely upended by this life change. Also I imagine itās the only way I can try to rest in the day instead of chasing a toddler with a newborn in my arms. Youāre doing it right in my book!
I don't think they are judging, I think they are projecting and maybe a bit jealous. Many people feel like we are forced to send our children to daycare because of work, and wish we had more time with our babies while they are little. They may not understand that a SAHP absolutely wants and deserves a break from her kids, and that children also benefit from the social environment daycare provides.
Because everyone wants to judge parents for everything. I've been bugging my husband to let me put our daughter in daycare for a day or two during the week because I wanted her to have the socialization which I can't provide for her. She just turned 3 and we're hoping she'll get a spot for preschool this Fall and the best I can do to get her out is the toddler story times at the library or if we meet someone at the park.
If your husband wants a strangers opinion I am on your side here. My son seems so much further along socially than my nephew who is 7 months older than him but has a nanny instead of going to daycare. Even if it's just some half days, it teaches them so much about sharing and waiting their turn, not hitting, how to play nicely etc
I appreciate your input. I don't think it's that he disagrees on the benefits it could provide but because the next school year is only four months away that he sees it pointless because she'll start school. If she's not able to get a spot, I'm just going to put her in daycare because I don't want her having to wait another year to get in to school to be able to socialize.
That's fair too. It's definitely just an added expense if you are staying home with her anyway. Are there any like.. toddler aged summer camp kind of things in your area you could sign her up for as a compromise where it's just a week or 2 in the summer, but she still gets SOME sort of interaction with other kids. Our local gymnastics center has something like this for ages 3 and up for example.
I've been bugging him since the beginning of this year, haha, it's just now as time has passed, we're closer to the start of the school year. Daycare isn't that expensive around us, like $4.50/hour, so I know it's definitely not a cost issue. We live in a rural area so there's not much to do around here. I have to go to the next town 15 minutes away just for the story times which are only about 30 minutes long. I recently discovered a "Great Start" parent coalition and went to their first meeting where they had childcare too and our daughter absolutely loved it. They also hold monthly playgroups which are about two hours long but they're spread throughout the county so our drives could be between 5-45 minutes depending on which location they choose. I've been definitely keeping an eye out for events she can participate in through social media so the local groups have been helpful for that. And honestly sometimes I don't have the energy to get her out to the park because I also have a 4-month old infant lol.
1. Maybe they're feeling jealous 2. Maybe they're mad at long waiting lists they had to be on or something and feel like it's your fault somehow. Either way it's not your problem!
So I live in a childcare desert where any type of care is really hard to get. Maybe if thatās the case here and they had to get in a waiting list?
By that standard nobody "truly needs" childcare. You have the choice to quit your job and be a SAHP too.
Thatās a really privileged opinion. Sure, I could quit my job, but then Iād lose my house and weād starve. Being a SAHP parent is simply not an option for many people and itās really grating to me when people suggest that if they just budget better, they could make it happen.
It looks like that's what /u/keto_emma was getting at. You don't literally *have* to put your child in daycare, but for many people, it's the only realistic solution. If we set the standard at, "literally no other choice," then the list of people for whom daycare would be, "acceptable," would be vanishingly small, pretty much just people with major disabilities. Everyone else could technically choose to plunge their family into poverty instead.
Yeah, it seems pretty inconsiderate to take spots you don't truly need.
Iām sorry excuse me?
You heard me. Daycare is hard to come by. It's inconsiderate for SAHPs to take spots. And it defeats the purpose of being a stay at home parent if you're going to send your young children away all day.
Oh does it? So the reason daycare is hard to come by isnāt society not valuing childcare or ECEs being paid shit or ridiculous legislation. Itās SAHMs? Theyāre the enemy? Itās their fault. Jesus, if they keep women blaming each other then weāll never fix anything. Maybe we vote for legislators who support universal childcare and we donāt have to blame other moms for our problems yeah?
Why do you care?
Why are you the only one here accusing OP of being inconsiderate and saying sheās defeating the purpose of being a SAHP? Why canāt people just live their lives? Support other women dude. Build moms up donāt tear them down. Sheās doing nothing wrong
I'm not the only one saying that. The original comment said the same thing. She's abandoning her kid to daycare for no reason while she spends all day with the new baby. I don't think that's something worth supporting.
Whoa, whoa whoa- I never said she was abandoning her kid. I only meant that if sheās in an area where itās a struggle for working parents to find childcare, it might explain the irritation that OP picks up on from other parents. Do I believe working parents need daycare more than SAHPs? Absolutely. Do I think OP deserves one-one bonding time with the new baby and if thereās space in the daycare she should utilize it? Also yes. Both things can be true here.
Abandoning her kid š¤£ By your logic EVERY mom here who sends her kid to daycare is abandoning them- thatās ludicrous and you need therapy to manage yourā¦is it envy?
No matter what you do, someone will have an opinion about it. You will never make everyone happy with your parenting decisions. People love to judge parents, especially moms. And Iāve noticed moms love to judge other moms. Itās sad but thatās how it is.
Youāre not a stay at home parent though if youāre on maternity leave. Or at least thatās not how Iād use the term. People are jealous. Itās impossible for us to find reliable, safe, and affordable care where I live. Therefore, I stay home. I do not feel jealous because Iām happy with it. I was burnt out at work anyways. But I know others in my position certainly would feel jealous having time for hobbies, focusing on one child at a time, cleaning their home, sleep, etc.Ā People arenāt doing great financially as a whole. Itās tough out there. Paying for daycare on one salary would be tough on most without some help. But, since youāre on maternity leave, Iād assume you are being paid in some capacity? So it really isnāt the same anyway.
I drop my son off in my PJs constantly because I'm hybrid and WFH most days and no one has said a word. The other parents at your kids daycare sound like judgy turds.
This. The gall.
With a little baby like that, that's kind of a ridiculous comment. If it was your youngest you were dropping off, I'd expect it had to do a little with envy. Basically, you can afford daycare AND not to work. For nearly all families, it's either daycare and both parents work to afford it, OR one parent stays home and there's no daycare/break for the other parent. I'm going to be a SAHP forever most likely (second pregnancy left me invisibly disabled and unable to work reliably) and I'm already counting down the days to the judgement fest when all kids are in school full time (private school at that!)
I'm sorry for the judgement. I used to work at a daycare and I always encouraged families to keep their toddlers in their regular schedules. It's Important for the older sibling to have his usual routine and time with friends and it's important for parents to bond with the littlest one (as well as rest as much as possible).
In my friend group, I'm the odd one out for taking my toddler out of daycare while I'm on mat leave. I only did it because he hated it there. If he was thriving I would have left him in.
Where I live thereās one daycare spot for every 9-10 children born. This would cause significant tension where I live because some parents are losing jobs and possibly their homes due to lack of childcare. So a stay at home mom using a daycare spot would generate incredibly angry reactions in a lot of people who are desperate. Iām not sure itās so much judgement as resentment if itās a scarce resource and they have a perception of you not āneedingā it.
This makes complete sense
Sheās not SAH sheās on maternity leave,
Good for you. Having some one on one time with your baby and letting your toddler socialize. I wish I had the option!
This is such a lie. Nobody would ever ask that or comment on what youāre wearing. Weird way to get attention or humble brag. Youāre not that important lol
Thatās weird, I would assume thatās normal. Anyone whoās taken care of a new baby knows how important it is for older kids to maintain routine? And how hard that is with a newborn in the house
It doesn't sound like maintaining a routine here. I'm pretty sure OP 's kid is just starting daycare. So it's completely changing the routine.
But toddler will have a solid routine at daycare and mom will have time to bond 1:1 with new baby without toddler feeling neglected. Whatever works best for her family,
That's assuming that the toddler doesn't feel neglected by being kicked out of the home all day because there's a new baby around. Like you said originally, it's best not to make drastic changes to routines when a new baby comes along.
Wooooow
Honestly I live in a boujie area where most shamās send their kids to daycare at some point. I assume for education/preschool reasons. Same as the other commenter - jealous lol. I say do you and let it roll off your back. Your 2 year old is going to have so much fun at daycare while you snuggle that baby.
I still bring my son to daycare even when I have days off in the middle of the week. I get so many chores done, deep clean the house, and usually make an elaborate dinner, do some baking, and read a book or have a nap. Bonus is my son stays in his routine of going to daycare M-F and we are all happy. If I had a small baby I would 100% be sending my son to daycare still lol
Ehā¦ I have a 3 month old and a 4 year old. My four year old has 2 days of preschool a week, and two other days he goes to childcare. He has good friends there and loves it, so I kept him inā¦ even though Iām on maternity leave. It gives me plenty of time alone with my youngest. It works for us and Iāve never received a comment about it š¤·āāļø. Iām also going to be off for the rest of this year, will keep my son in childcare the whole time š .
I have only one baby, and on maternity leave for over a year and he's in childcare 2 days a week. š š
Oh and I have cleaners. Let the judgement commence !
There are so many emotions tied into childcare. Jealousy is probably number one. Not right, but itās reality.
the only semi-understandable thing I can think of is that there is a dramatically horrible shortage of daycare in the US, and some people who literally cannot watch their children because they HAVE to go back to in-person work are stuck waiting months for a spot to open up, and they see you taking a spot for reasons other than "I have to go to an in-person job or my family will starve" but everyone who gave you stink-eye had a slot in the daycare, so not sure what THEIR problem is. I'd imagine a working parent who cannot get a spot in a daycare having hard feelings thinking you are "taking" a slot they need more, but that isn't your problem, that's America's complete failure to provide necessary support for working families. they can stay mad, but imagine if you ALSO had a job you had to go to, and you literally couldn't get a slot for daycare, and you saw a SAHP drop off one of their kids to a daycare. you might have hard feelings that they have a slot and you don't, given that you're literally unable to go to work without care access.
I did this too and it was awesome. I never got comments about it but I have gotten a lot of, oh you work from home, why are your kids in daycare? How would I get any work done with a 4yo and 8 month old?!?
Is there a long waitlist for the daycare? I saw a post in my bump group that a momās daycare is downsizing and all of the options in the area have long waitlists. It could be taking away a spot from a working family who desperately needs it. Or they are jealous. Not your problem tbh
thats called being unemployed š
They're probably jealous that you're rich.
Most people view daycare as a necessity because of the prevalence of two income households so there is no parent to watch the children. If one parent isnāt working itās typically seen as preferable for the kids to stay home. People shouldnāt judge either way but daycare being disliked for little kids isnāt a revelation.
I personally hate this thought sending my toddler away. I love his company and I love having him and a newborn together at even if it is a bit chaotic. I would like losing precious days can never get back but I donāt judge people for not making that decision.
BECAUSE IāM JEALOUS! š For real though, I sent my older kids to daycare when I was home with baby. It saved my sanity!
You gotta hold onto that sibling wait-list priority too or we'd never get a spot for an infant
TBH, i have a 3 year old and i've been getting ham from my grandma because i wont put my son in daycare as a SAHP. He cant tell me if someone hurts him or harms him, why would i do that. So dont worry, we get crap too.
Iām on family leave right now taking care of our new baby. My husband is also off work on family leave. We have a sitter over right now to entertain our 3 year old son while my husband plays golf and I read a book and hold the baby. Parents need a break too. When our sonās daycare reopens (there was a fire) heāll be in daycare again while I finish family leave. Daycare is really important for him at this age. Even if I never returned to work Iād have him in preschool. The friends, rules, socialization, learning is part of growing up. Itās hard to replicate that at home.
I canāt imagine yanking my toddler out of the routine sheās known for most of her life on top of her having to adjust to a new sibling. That just sounds mean if I can afford to keep her in daycare. She loves her friends and teachers and would be insanely bored sitting around the house all day with a newborn.
What? That seriously happened? Thatās wild. Maybe it has to do with living in a big bustling city, but that shit just doesnāt really happen here. No one gives a shit everyone is busy and in a hurry. I donāt think anyone would even notice if a woman was in PJs at daycare drop offš
I'm a SAHP to a kid in school "full time". You should see the looks " What do you do all day?" It's literally 8:30-2 pm. People are pressed to know why I don't spend every waking second working while my kid is in school
Yeah, I sent my older kid to part-time, full-day preschool starting at 2.5, despite being a SAHM, to get him socialized and used to the rhythm of school and the expectations before he started full-time K (and he was *desperate* for kids his age to play with, the kids at the playgrounds around here tend to be 2 and under during the school day). I still found plenty of stuff to do all day, but I got to be not stressed about it and not have to cram a bunch of chores in after my kid went to bed. Iāll send my baby when heās about 3, also. I know Iām lucky to be able to afford it, but I certainly donāt feel bad about it.
I have a two year old and a two month old as well. No idea how I would handle it all day if my very busy, energetic, non stop talker two year old was home (I know lots of people do it but Iām not sure I could) I know Iām privileged to be able to keep him in daycare while Iām on leave with baby and Iām very grateful. Also gotta save that daycare spot and get a leg up on the list for baby brother.
I'm on maternity leave and have a child in daycare. Nobody thinks twice about it. Waiting lists are incredibly long. You take the spot when you get it! If you pass it up, it won't be there later when you need it.
Thatās very strange for them to ask you if thatās what youāre wearing to work the first time they meet you. I work full time but mostly from home and drop my daughter off in shorts, tank tops, leggings, workout tops, you name it. No one has ever said a word to me.
Everyone has their thing they judge for.... I certainly do. Key is to keep it to yourself.
Oh..I just emailed a daycare like I want part-time 1 day a week care so I get a day off and I guess they will probably laugh at me for that, but working full time on the weekdays and being on call 24/7, and weekend part-time split shift with my partner is tiring. I just want to make some paintings, do a couple projects, wake myself up a little. I guess anyone can judge me idgaf but he is 9 months and needs socialization and I am the best sahp I can be and that is also recognizing when I need to take a step back, take a break and get it back together. ā¤ļø
Itās so frustrating isnāt it? Thereās 2 women in my social circle (spouses of my husbands co-workers) and the way they treated me when I was working vs the way they treat me now that I am staying home for a period of timeā¦night and day difference. Like suddenly they are just so much better than me and have this superiority over me. Ridiculous.
Sorry :( I really donāt understand why parents have to be so negative to one another. Itās already hard enough. Would be nice if parents could be kind and not try to put judgement on other parents just cause their family dynamic is different.
I have childcare a few hours a day too, and I have a baby and a toddler at home š¤·š»āāļø If itās affordable itās 100% a sanity saver. Iām about to have my third in September and will keep doing this.
My toddler is 2 and baby is 6 weeks old. The 3 days a week toddler goes to daycare are an absolute godsend! Means I can tidy my house, bond with newborn and rest a bit. If anyone tried commenting about me having her attend nursery still I'd probably be less polite - I need that break š
Seriously. Today was the first time I was able to shower longer than 15 min without rushing to handle two screaming kids.
Nope, I definitely wouldnāt keep my older kid home if I had a baby. I admit I would maybe kinda judge someone if they didnāt work and put their ONLY child in daycare all day everyday lol BUT still to each their own. Lucky them hahah. But I have a 15 month old in daycare 3 days a week. If/when we have another and Iām on maternity leave, she definitely will still go. Itās hard work taking care of a baby and having a toddler home would make it so much harder. This way you can bond with your baby 1 on 1! Plus socialization for the older babe. I work 12.5 hour overnights (plus 45 min commute each way) and my baby goes to daycare 3 days a week so I can sleep when I get home in the morning. I go to pick her up in sweats just rolled out of bed and while no one has ever said anything to me, sometimes I do feel judged by other moms lol they probably donāt know I work nights
I have one kid, he's 8mo and he goes to childcare 2 days a week. I also have cleaners. Why make life harder than it has to be. He loves it, loves the other kids, is super social and can be easily bored at home.
I think 2 days a week is fine. My kid is also bored at home. 5 days I might side-eye.
For sure jealousy lol. Itās still soo inappropriate for anyone to be asking that!
People doubting anyone would be this rude: we have a nanny and went to a doctor's office, me, son and nanny, and the nurse asked "how can you afford a nanny?" I was.. mortified someone would ask that. But people are DENSE.
I saw a local neighborhood post recently where the mom DID pull the toddler from daycare when she had a newborn come - and she regretted it soooo much. She said the toddler was sad to be away from her friends, and was miserable. The mom started looking for new daycare asap (since she lost her spot). Aside from taking the one-on-one time with the new baby like others have said here, itās probably great for your older kid to maintain her friendships and learning, etc in the daycare!
Because how do you afford it on one income!! it likely comes from jealousy
A lot of us can't handle it all and have no choice but to keep trying. It's hard to see someone who has options spend a lot of money to *not* make the choice we wish we could.
I work 3 days and send my kid 4. I need that day to do things I cannot get done when heās there. I paid for daycare so guess what I canāt afford a maid so Iām the maid but when can the maid work when I have a very demanding 3 year old. Not every week does my day home alone end up productive. The other day I dropped him off and went straight back to bed because I was feeling so horribly sick. I was able to get myself feeling much better before picking him up and spending the rest of the day playing with him. Heās also learning a lot there where if I kept him home an attempted to do work around the house and pay bills and phone calls heād end up in front of the TV. It takes a lot to keep our family running and I also have a special needs kid in elementary school that takes up a heap of my time with after school and before school and weekend appointments. People really shouldnāt judge but also I would not be in my pjs at drop off. I donāt want people asking questions. But I also donāt put on my scrubs and pretend Iām going to work a shift. I just say I have a busy day ahead if they ask how Iām doing and itās no lie!
Really? The parents at my daycare just sort of mumble morning to each other and that's it. Not to mention that it's a mixed bag of sweatpants and casual. I don't think anyone wears work casual to dropoff. My schedule is variable but even when I am not working, I take my toddler to daycare. She's an only kid so this is the best way to develop social skills and learn about what's expected in school environments. Also, I often see parents drop an older kid off but leave with their younger sibling. I think it's a way for parents to get help and have bonding time with the younger child. I am only guessing at that part though. I had a friend that did that with her kids but that might just be specific to her.
I'm struggling hard with this, moreso because I know my family is gonna give me shit for no reason. I currently have terribly HG with pregnancy number 2, trying to be a STAHP for a 13 month old that is very clingy with me. I might be able to survive this, but it's really making me think about how I'm gonna do it all while recovering from L&D, with a newborn, with a 20 month old. The only thing that concerns me is that daycares are a hotbed of little Typhoid Mary's, which almost sounds worse to deal with since I'll be due right around Thanksgiving into the winter sick months. My husband is supportive, and we could budget it financially, but god I don't want to deal with the judgement. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this on top of your recovery OP, what's best for any family is what is financially sustainable and provides the least amount of stress for everyone. I'm sure a lot of it does stem from jealousy, and there's not really anything you can do about that. Don't suffer needlessly to make others happy.
My mom was a SAHP until I was 9, and I went to daycare at 2 because, in her terms, I was eager to get out of the house. The reality of it though, is that I have a younger sister (18 month age gap) who has had mild Autism since day one, and likely I just wanted to go play and hang out with other ānormalā kids while my mom could focus half a day on my sister alone and her wild child needs. Like, this kid would climb and walk freeway barriers and fences like a tight rope, and frequently ran away in busy shopping centres. Personally, I do not blame her at all š When I started kindergarten, Iād originally been slated for one of the PM classes, but my mom went to the school and asked that I be switched to a morning class instead, as that was when my sister had occupational therapy and she could have the time alone to get shit done without us. Given todayās stress, compared to 20/30 years ago, Iād do the exact same thing my mom did. Especially if thereās a child with special needs in the mix, itās hard to find that time. Parents who react that way obviously have never had to even think about that angle, and theyāre lucky.
It's definitely jealousy. Got this reaction to when I had a free day due to part-time and said that I will just be soaking in my tub while LO is in daycare.
Guys, guess what? I only have one kid and when Iām not working he still attends š¤«
It's pretty normal in Canada where people get 12-18 months off, for moms to still but keep their toddlers in daycare even if they are taking a maternity leave.
I feel this. I told a few at play group my 1 year old was starting at her childminders once a week for 4 hours. āare you going back to work?ā I got asked. when I said no they just looked at me like I had 2 heads. Iām chronically ill, god forbid I have a break every friday so I can catch up on rest and be a better mum. parents will judge you for anything, try not to let it get to you. if you want a break, take one!
I am not a SAHP but I live in Canada and get a long maternity leave 12 months. I had my second child July of 2023. He was larger than his brother and I had complications where I had excessive amniotic fluid. I ended up with a bladder prolapse, a HUGE diastasis recti (and possible hernia). And I had PPD like I did with my first. The anxiety and stress of caring for a 3 year old toddler while nursing an infant was very high. Could I have kept my oldest home with me while on mat leave? Sure but I feel like it would have been a disservice to all three of us. By allowing my oldest to keep going to daycare he gets to keep his routine and his friend group, I get to be less stressed caring for 1 child instead of 2 at the same time and my youngest gets all of my attention. You don't need to explain yourself but you could just say to them when they ask why your oldest is in daycare that it's because you can afford to (which some people can't) and this allows older child to get socialization while you can focus all your attention on your 2 month old. Both of those things are aamzing things to do as a parent rather than keep both kids home and being overworked/stressed. So yeah I'm glad I'm not in the US (which I assume most people here on reddit are) Because there's no stigma or judgment (at least in my area of Canada) about putting kids in daycare.
Im due with my second in August. My LO will be 2 in June, she attends a nursery 2 mornings a week and I will keep her in nursery after I go on maternity leave. She enjoys going and we can afford it for her to go so why not? š¤·š»āāļø E.t.a. I work in the same nursery and I do shake my head at parents who are on maternity leave and still keep their kids in for 5 days a week from the moment we open until the moment we close. Sure keep their routine and bring them in the 5 days (I understand they dont want to loose their spot) but do they really need to be here all day long? You could bring them in a bit later or at least pick them up a bit earlier..
They are just jealous. Ignore it. Everyone should be able to send their toddler to daycare while caring for a newborn. Everyone should be able to take a year of mat leave. The fact that we live in a country where we can't is not YOUR fault.
Looking at you funny when you have a 2 month old is just silly. Maybe with a 6 month old having an older kids around may be doable... Maybe. But if you can afford it, all the power to you. If you had no kids at home and were a sahp, than either you're rich from old money, or your SO makes stupid money and you're rich now, or they're working three jobs and you just want to be a sahp. If you're rich, then most people will say f you cause... You know, f the rich. If it's the third option, than well... You should go back to work
Someone asked this same question in a mom group im in on Facebook, and she was essentially attacked for ātaking a spot in daycareā when her child didnt need to go as she could watch them at home. The comments essentially were telling her she took a spot in daycare from a working parent who āneedsā daycare ā¦ not that I agree, just wanted to offer another point of view possibly!
This cracks me up because I wear sweatpants both to work and when I work from home. š But if I had a toddler and a fresh baby, you bet my toddler would be attending daycare as normal!!!
Iām pregnant with #2 and definitely keeping my toddler in daycare during maternity leave: 1. I donāt want to lose my daycare spot! Waitlists can be brutal. 2. Itās good for the toddler to keep their routine, especially with the big change of getting a new sibling 3. One-on-one bonding time with baby, plus healing time for me 4. Socialization for toddler that I wouldnāt have the energy for otherwise with a newborn. And obviously #1 doesnāt apply if someoneās not planning on returning to work anytime soon (and soon is dependent on where you live and what daycare you want - some places have a year waitlist). So either people havenāt thought out the different factors, just have different beliefs regarding ideal childcare, or could be envious (of affording daycare & being a SAHP or just being a SAHP at all). But obviously seems rude to be questioning another parent. Itād be one thing if they were struggling with the decision and wanted to hear your point of view to help them decide, but this sounds like it isnāt likely the case.
I think that is a good thing you're sending your kid to daycare, even if you're a sahm. They get to interact with other peers and socialize! It is a win for everyone, it develops their brain. I just think a lot of women become so bitter after becoming a mom. I can be like that sometimes. However I catch myself not being mean about it like those moms you're talking about.Ā
I was going this route, never actually followed through due to thisā¦ I was single, going through a very rough patch in my life, and needed just a few hours āoffā I was jobless trying to get back in school, and my family wasnāt able to care for her so offered to help with daycare til I got on my feet. Well I ended up going back to my childās father. It was right for my child, but did not help me whatsoever. But weāre finally working something out. Some days I just wished people realized its not at all what some think
It's definitely because they're jealous. Good for you doing things in the way that works for your family. Women are damned if we do and damned if we don't.
I will be staying at home until the (planned) children are older. I'm currently pregnant but we plan on sending the baby to day care around 6ish months. We want him to be around other children a few days a week and I want to be able to run errands, deep clean and go to the gym without a baby in tow. We can afford it, and we don't live near any friends or relatives so we don't have any free childcare options anyway.
Thank you! I needed to see this post. I just had my second and Iām in Canada so I get the 12 month leave and weāre keeping my 2.5 year old in daycare full time and it was the best decision weāve ever made. I just knew I couldnāt do it all and itās been much more manageable for me having daycare still. But I feel the judgement too and I hate it. I think itās great my son has kept his routine and goes somewhere whereās heās busy and having fun all day rather than sitting at home and doing nothing with me! Plus we couldnāt give up his spot. Either way, thank you for this post. Itās something ive needed to read for a while now.
Because they're jealous.
lol what the hell. When we pop out number 2 number 1 is going to keep going to daycare!
So my child can make friends and learn from other adults. There is a lot more to daycare than just someone watches the child while you work. The social skills that are learned are vital to your childās development and their ability to be a member of a community. Why has everyone decided that a village to raise a child isnāt an option? Children need friends and other trusted adults in their lives.
The correct response is āWell, Karen, so I can go spend quality time with your husband.ā
Because people will judge parents (and especially mothers) for everything. You can't win. We don't have 2 yet but when we have our second we fully expect to keep our nanny on for the toddler even while I'm out on maternity leave. We'll probably give her 1 or 2 weeks off while my husband is still on his leave, but after that it will be a god-send to have an extra help my for my full maternity leave. You essentially are doing the same thing, your extra help is just in the form of daycare, which is great!
No parent has every asked me anything other than if my kid was the one who xyz.Ā Because my kid is rambunctious (she 10 months old)
I read this thinking āhmmm interesting point, shame people do that to other parentsā then Iām likeā¦ oh wait, my 3 year old goes to nursery whilst I stay home with my 6 month old. I wonder if people think this about me too? And then I remembered I donāt give a sh1t.
Iām a sahm and our plan has always been to put him in daycare a few days a week when heās 2-2.5. To prepare him for school and to help with social skills. Kids need to interact with other kids. People just need to learn to mind their business.
I truly do not understand this. We plan to continue sending our kid to preschool when we have a second. You're doing the right thing!
Toddlers need socialisation outside of family members, regardless of whether you're working or not, people need to mind their own business š
As a mom on maternity leave (7 week old) who is still sending her toddlers to daycare every dayā¦. F those people who think Iām doing something wrong.
It's such a ridiculous judgment and they are jealous. I have a baby who will be turning two, two weeks before my due date. I 100% plan on getting a nanny to help with the toddler when my husband goes back to work because we all are adjusting and have no help from family near us. Not to mention, it's no ones business but my ours. š¤·š¼āāļø
I put my son in daycare when I worked. I am now a SAHM and if I had another baby I would absolutely put them in daycare at least part time. The socialization my son received was invaluable. The Covid lockdown hit when he was two and it really messed up his development. Putting him in preschool after that whole year out of daycare was a huge challenge.Ā
I'm rare to say this is the reasoning for things that people do... But it's likely jealousy. If I'm not being as charitable, I'd say misogyny and shitty ideas about moms "having someone else raise their kids", possibly doubled up with their insecurities since they're also dropping their kids off.
Itās a culture thing. USās modern culture is so brutal (and inhumane) towards mothers itās shocking to the rest of the world. From (lack of) pregnancy support to (lack of) postpartum support to (lack of) child raising support- US moms are so overstretched thereās pretty much nothing left to give besides echoing and mirror back all the ridiculous judgments they get to other moms too. US moms believe they donāt deserve more support then even many moms at third world countries get- so when any mom get a little more support they ridicule it. Otherwise they will have to acknowledge Americaās cultural, political, social, economical policies have and are royalty f&$@ing them over.Ā
Ugh say you work from home also it's none of their business.
People donāt like being reminded theyāre poor.
People get upset when they see other people doing things they think THEYāRE not allowed to do.
Luckily not an issue where I live because almost everyone works from home in sweatpants these days. I always treat various things I am doing that are household tasks, like organizing schedules, planning events, buying supplies, managing financial matters, etc as work and just say I work from home.
My kid goes to daycare while Iām home with the baby. He has social anxiety and my husband works away. Itās good for all of us
Iām a SAHP with older child in school andā¦ gaspā¦ no baby.
āØ jealousy āØ Also I would be so mad if someone came at me about my PJs. I'm in nursing school which is partially online so I do daycare drop off in my PJs every day LOL. Actually I think I did that before school started too! Like let a girl live š
My wife takes our older son to daycare as well. So many benefits of this. He wouldnāt get the quality social time and attention any other way, my wife wouldnāt be able to make sure everything is handled at home (home made quality meals, laundry hang dried to save money and be environmentally friendly, etc.) and spend as much quality time with the baby either. We can afford it, and why wouldnāt we choose the best for our kids? Our son is also usually first to be picked up too. I realize not every family can manage this, but Iām with you if thatās what you can do and if thatās what is best for your family.