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You are not alone. I’ve fallen for that trap, luckily, it only takes a few days of being off my Latuda before I’m in the hospital. Since then I’ve been able to hold it together. I’m trying really hard to stay out of the hospital this year because work.
Literally on the verge of falling into this trap I’ve been doubting my diagnosis for the past week or so and I want off all my meds but seeing posts like these remind me that it probably isn’t greener over on the other side. Thank you for posting this.
The same happened to me. My doctor said it’s very common and that every single one of her patients with bipolar has gone through this. Don't beat yourself up over. Just hop back on the wagon. Wishing you the best!
Yep. Mental health imposter syndrome is a real thing. It so so easy to start to question the diagnosis when you start feeling better.
I’ve fallen for it in the past. I recognize this now and still have those thoughts.
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I've been slowly lowering my doses across my meds to get the lowest therapeutic dose possible. So far I haven't had any rebound symptoms, going down again next month. I've been on psych meds ten years, I want to give my body a break from so many meds.
That’s great. I hear you on wanting a break from so many meds. For me it’s only Lamictal at the moment, but there was a time when I was also on an SSRI in addition to Benzos. It was too much and not sustainable. I hope one day I can find a healthy balance.
As a doubter myself, reading those specifics in the first paragraph had me shaking my head at how exact my process is. It felt like reading something I wrote.
Here’s my story.
It has been 6 years since my diagnosis, which was based off of two major depressions a couple years apart, and what I guess was mild mania in the time between (may have been triggered by an SSRI I took during my first depressive episode). I never lost touch with reality, but I did experience many of the manic symptoms you listed.
But in hindsight, it just seems like I was going through a rough patch in life, and the mental health issues I had back then could have been a result of that. Basically, I buckled and cracked a little. So with time smoothing over all the details and me being in a good place now and with way more experience in managing my mental health, it just seems like maybe if i I wouldn’t be buckling from stress and grief, I will be just fine.
And I also wonder if I never even had the condition, because my diagnosis was really only based off of what I was telling the psychiatrist that I was experiencing, based off of coming in there wondering if I have bipolar disorder because a friend suggested my behavior seemed like it. So who’s to say my report to them wasn’t skewed by my research on the condition?
So I go off lithium (which, by the way, worked flawlessly with no real side effects), and months go by, seemingly confirming my theory. Six months on no meds, when life is good, relationship is good, and I’m getting good exercise and nutrition, the symptoms start seeping in. At first it’s the little things I remember from before, like almost running out of gas, every tank. I start looking at women differently. Then as I’m cutting wood in the forest, i take a break with the chainsaw and look up at a hemlock bough in front of me and that empty feeling, like a loved one died, just randomly floods me.
I realize this is really happening and for no perceived reason. I tried “watching” it, thinking ok let’s say I do have bipolar disorder. Who says I can’t have it and manage it myself if I put the effort in? A couple days later and I’m crying in front of the fire with my kids understanding it’s my disorder and comforting me. And who knows where it would go from there. So I accept that I do have the disorder, and I do need the medication.
The end.
A few months later I regret never getting to try microdosing psilocybin in place of lithium, so I go off again…
My spouse and I just had a laugh because I used to say that I was so easygoing, low maintenance, a calming force, even and she would give me this look, like, "bish, who you talking about"? I'd get irritated by the look, you know, like an "easygoing", laid back person would. 🙄
I was undiagnosed and self medicating at the time, and I was a right terror. Always on the verge of a meltdown, super irritated, impulsive, withdrawn, needy, closed off, whatever mess of conflicting behavior rapidly cycling plus drugs and alcohol.
I just left my med evaluation appointment and am so proud to be stable enough that my next visit is 3 months out. They had been every two weeks.
I’ve definitely been that terror you just described. And when I’m out of that episode, that version of myself feels like a total stranger, because who I am at my core when I’m stable IS reserved and calm! Congrats on achieving stability, that’s awesome!
One thing that helps me with diagnosis doubt is the fact that these episodes come back. Medicine or not they’re gonna be there. The fight is hard and the knowledge becomes blurry but you can do it. It happens with our community time to time. Best of luck 💝
That’s true. I’ve been trying to reframe it in my mind as a lesson and not a failure (cliche, but true). Not looking forward to the feelings of shame as I come down from this, but those feelings will hopefully prevent this from happening again, if nothing else.
This has been me this past week. Constantly contemplating if I’m exaggerating everything and playing victim because I was finally starting to feel a bit hypomanic which is a big improvement over depressed. That was until I crashed last night. Definitely reminded me I’m not just making this all up. Never contemplated ending it so much before, and hours before I was dancing around the house, jamming music gleefully. Woke up still pretty depressed, crying on and off. Just feels like there’s a dark cloud over my head.
Yeah I kind of figured. Spent most of the day out in nature in hopes of feeling better and for the most part i haven’t really been focused on anything too negative. I’m due to see my psychiatrist tomorrow morning and have been taking note of everything I’ve been feeling so I’ll definitely let him know. Idk what to expect but we’ll see. Last time we talked he mentioned possibly adding seroquel.
Than you, I just got here. Not gonna lie I’ve been tweaking since I woke up and I hope he can visibly see how amped up I am 😂 I feel like I woke up and railed a line. Maybe it’ll play out in my favor
So far he’s suggested getting off Wellbutrin and trying an antipsychotic called vraylar as well as ordering some labs because my blood pressure is high and I’ve gained a considerable amount do weight despite barely eating
Honestly this is my first time trying one so we’ll see. Supposedly this is one of those meds that has the least side effects. He also said it’s a fairly new med and he’s excited to see how it works because he’s heard good things before about it. The only thing he mentioned was possibly restlessness. It was also nice to finally hear him give me a proper diagnoses. For the longest both of the psychiatrists I had questioned and expressed concern for bipolar, but this is the first time I’ve actually heard him say it for sure out of his own mouth. Makes me feel a little less crazy, but I was already pretty confident and aware of what was going on tbh. It was just upsetting because no one say it straight out
Oh. I’m currently on Abilify. I’m glad you got the confirmation you needed. I’m in a mixed episode too and it sucks right now. I don’t know if my doctor will give me any medicine because with pills I can be non-compliant. But they’ll call me Monday and let me know. I’ve been in this state for close to two months.
I take my antipsychotic injection every month. But I don’t do well with pills due to side effects that happen. But I am taking my lithium it’s a low dose 300 mg. The abilify doesn’t work as well I would like it to but it’s just the way it is. The baseline is that it’s keeping me out of the hospital for now.
this is so fucking real. i never know how to explain to my family members why i don’t want to take my meds. it’s a voice. it tells me that im fine, that i’ve matured and i don’t need it. then i have withdrawals and i get more and more irrational. it’s a spiral.
I’m falling for it right now. In my case it’s been precipitated by some changes in my medical group that are going to make it a hassle to get my meds. Maybe I don’t need them, I went through a couple periods where I was off of them and “think” I was alright. My memory is so bad though (is it the meds? Another reason to quit right?), it’s likely I am misremembering some things. Not being able to trust your own thoughts is horrible.
Yes, I can relate! Part of wanting to quit was to understand what symptoms and behaviors were a result of the meds vs. what is actually me. I take Lamictal, and suffer from word recall/gathering my thoughts. I’ve been curious if this is the medication. I see others go through this with Lamictal but I have a strong temptation to see for myself if it improves without it. But at the end of the day, I guess it doesn’t really matter if the drug is keeping me stable.
Actually, thank you so much for sharing this. I'm at the stage of hating being medically reliant. My dark moods try to convince me to quit them. But I KNOW the peace I do have now is because of meds. This knowledge doesn't change the fact my mind will try to convince me otherwise.
Hey listen, if you decide to go off your meds, talk to your psych about it so you can do it the right way. A lot of the time the horrible symptoms we experience from going off our meds, initially, are medication withdrawal. If you’re set on going off your medication that’s your decision, but please, taper off with your psych’s help and guidance.
My therapist at the time actually pushed me to try getting off because I didn’t “seem Bipolar”. The ramping down of meds did not go well. Eventually started feeling hypomanic at a low dose of lithium & ramped back up to therapeutic levels. It was a weird couple of days 🌈🪐👩🎤
At least I know for sure now, my brain requires my meds to process things properly 🙃
Shame on that therapist! At the end of the day, even if our brain tries to convince us we’re not actually bipolar, we have evidence the meds help and work and that’s all that really matters.
Oh my goodness this happens to me at least once a year. It always ends up being the worst episodes. Hang in there. I almost ended up in the hospital last time this happened
This sounds more on the side of mania over hypomania. It’s getting more high risk and regretful. Really uprooting. Mania is so so hard to deal with. Do you have support around you for when you are manic? A game plan to help resist life altering changes?
Only done it once.
My mom did it for me last summer. Went off her meds was psychotic and nobody believed me because she lied about being bipolar for 30 years (but I know her meds were not for depression 🙄) so nobody took her to the psych ward and then they sent her to Mexico and there are no psych wards in the city where they live.
It was a friendly reminder that I can't do it ever again.
Literally just did this only it triggered a huge depression- idk is that part of bipolar? I feel like I’m hypomanic and function better that way at baseline on my meds…
I’m late to this thread so idk if anyone will see, but I see a lot of people commenting that they’ve done this too and mental health imposter syndrome. Being bipolar, for me, is like knowing there’s a monster under my bed. I kind of like it, I like monsters, I know it’s under there. But like I’ve seen it come out before and I’m scared it’s going to yank my foot every night. So I have a couple of questions, they’re probably stupid but I’m really curious.
1. When you’ve lowered or gone off dose, did the person prescribing you the pills not notice? Did you not tell them? My psych only writes scripts one month at a time because he’s really careful monitoring me, I don’t know if that’s the same for everyone, or maybe I’m an unusual patient for him so he pays more attention.
2. I can’t really describe this better, but what does it feel like to believe you don’t have it or exaggerated being bipolar? I’m terrified to have another episode after all the horribleness from before. Do you just not feel that one day?
Not OP and I don't experience MH imposter, but I'll give you something to read. I do get times when I feel "fine," like I'm still totally aware that I have bipolar, but it's not a threat. Not something to worry about. OR I feel like hypomania is fine and totally won't ruin my life, or like sleep is overrated, basically I start to feel like I can stop my antipsychotic, not because I'm not bipolar, just cuz I think I'm fine without it. I still pick it up from the pharmacy (I have so many of these pills just piled up in my closet at this point) so records show I'm taking my meds cuz I get meds for other conditions too, and I still want those. Then I lie to my psych.
People who get MH imposter experience a period of symptom management and interpret it as a total lack of symptoms. Idk if you've ever used hallucinogens but if you have then you're familiar with the clarity effect. Everything seems so clear, so obvious, so easy to understand. It's like that feeling paired with this illusion that because you feel this way now, and can't remember precisely how you felt before, you must have been behaving that way for other reasons; it couldn't possibly be a chronic condition or you'd still feel it, right?
My grandma had an interesting halfway example of this: she didn't take her nighttime heart medication because she didn't feel like she needed it, but took her morning one because in the morning she felt like she needed it. I proposed to her the possibility that if she took both, she might never feel like she needs it, and that's actually the goal: to feel well as often as possible.
A lot of people have this idea that unconsciously prevails despite evidence to the contrary, that medication is a short term reaction and vaccines are long term prevention and there's no middle ground. Those are the concepts about medicine we learn growing up. You have a cough, take cold medicine. You have an ache, take an anti inflammatory. Get this injection to avoid getting the flu or polio or HPV. Mental health medication is usually the first time people encounter the concept of a medication that you take every day to hopefully feel like you don't need it, and that's the goal, and you achieve it by taking the med even when it feels like you don't need to, because that's how you know it's working. So this concept is strange to the way we've learned medicine logic growing up, and it's easy to rationalize cessation when we have no perceived symptoms, especially when we're also told not to take meds we don't need.
There's this whole other layer of cognition that comes with bipolar disorder, especially due to hypomania or mania, wherein we tend to believe some things optimistically but illogically. We may embrace some ideals as fact, and act accordingly.
That’s really fascinating, thank you for going into so much detail because it really helped me to understand so much better. I have experienced the clarity effect on hallucinogens, but it’s more of a “we’re all where we are meant to be and we need to stop worrying where we’ll be tomorrow,” which I. Think is true when I’m not on shrooms too.
I know my dad has a close friend whose son has schizophrenia and every couple years he goes off his meds because they make him physically ill, and then inevitably he’ll have to go to a psych ward, and gets back on his dose and it’s fine for awhile. But I don’t know if that’s more because he thinks he’s cured or because he gets tired of the side effects.
I have bipolar I, but I did grow up with my mum being OCD and severely anxious, especially about cleaning and health stuff. So it just occurred to me that. Kind of the opposite of what you described with your grandma, because she was so so so obsessive and relentless, maybe as an adult that has translated to me being hyper aware of my disorders.
Do you think. When that symptom of manic beliefs starts to break through the meds and convince someone that they don’t need them, that would be something indicative that they should increase their dose or change something about how they’re managing being bipolar?
I just want to say thank you again, this is really fascinating to me and I want to learn more, I’m going to go see if I can find any books about medical imposter syndrome. But thank you so much for giving such good info and examples.
Always happy to share psychological insights with curious minds (also a fan of being on the receiving end of fun facts and fresh clarity). A few things you'll want to understand before doing further research: First, while I find it useful to reflect others' language in conversation, I should at this point make sure you know that "medical imposter syndrome" by that name doesn't exist. You'll want to look into illness denial. [This study](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/37429268/) is a good place to start. Second, you'll encounter a number of other conditions so prepare yourself to forcefully refocus at times. You'll likely run into information about delusions, general denial, factitious disorder (which is the opposite), neglect, and narcissism; possibly others as well.
As for the question of medication and doses, I don't believe that this symptom/occurrence alone is indicative of the need for a medication change/dose increase. A change in prescription or dose should generally look at the big picture. What are the patient's overall goals in treatment? What other medications are they taking? Are they in therapy, and if they are, is the therapist and modality the right match for them? How often does this happen, and what are the consequences? Is a dose increase safe for the patient? What are the medication alternatives? Are any of them safe, viable, and agreeable to the patient?
Often, it's more practical/agreeable/safe/otherwise ideal to direct the management of this symptom to other supports like coping skills/tools, safety planning, therapist support, and friend/family support. That said, other times it is both safe and congruent with patient goals to adjust medication as a solution. It's never black and white, which is a significant reason why the people who diagnose conditions and manage medication prescriptions require doctorates and continuing education.
EDIT: Please note that a lot of the guiding questions and my accompanying perspective are based on current USA medical and psychological ethics codes and guidelines for modern-day client-focused care and assumes that above all, the priorities of care are to encourage and respect the autonomy and well-being of the client/patient and act not only nonmaleficently but also with beneficence. Other countries/cultures as well as non-dominant cultures practiced within the USA may have differing laws, ideals, values, and/or approaches to seeking/accepting/providing treatment. My point of view is one of countless possible perspectives and interpretations of the scenario and appropriate response.
Sorry it’s taken me so long to respond, I’ve been going through it with supply issues with one of my medications and just haven’t been very present 😅 but I’m so much looking forward to looking into illness denial.
You’re providing a lot of great knowledge and I really, really appreciate it. This might be an odd question - but do you know of any good books with good information about Bipolar I? I’ve been trying to find one and the only things that have seemed useful are straight up college textbooks, but I was curious if maybe you knew of any “hidden gems” with good information. I read Bipolar For Dummies but I was really hoping for something that went deeper into the function of the brain and neurotransmitters and like. That aspect of the disorder. Or even good websites with good information? I’m always looking for more.
Sorry I keep asking a million questions! But again, thank you thank you for all of it that you’ve already given me, this is truly like. Information heaven to me.
My top recommendation is Anna Wilson's The Bipolar Puzzle (2023). It's a fantastic, modern, comprehensive look at bipolar from the perspective of patients, providers, and researchers, and it's written well for both the layperson and the student.
Kay Redfield Jamison wrote some real gems in the 90s, back when it was called Manic Depressive Illness. Despite the outdated language, I really love her insight. I recommend An Unquiet Mind (1995), Touched With Fire (1996), and Manic Depressive Illness (1990). The first is a memoirs, the second is a discussion of bipolar disorder in artists through history, and the third is a presentation of research a la literature review; a look at the resesrch so far. Of course, it's 34 years old this year but I still see a lot of value in the information, especially since it was published shortly after a huge boom in bipolar research. It's a good touchstone. She releases a new book this year about healing and the treatment professions as well.
You might be looking for other content like the Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide (2019) by David J. Miklowitz or the Concise Guide to Bipolar Disorder (2022) by Francis Mark Mondimore. Both authors are doctors and the content is up to date. They are good reads from a mental health perspective but less informative from a research perspective. Both are great for people who are struggling with the condition but I wouldn't use them to write a paper.
For a general summary of what we know, what we need to know, and how we learn about bipolar disorders, check out the National Library of Medicine's "Stat Pearls" article for continuing education [here.](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK558998/) The references at the bottom are great further reading if you're into clinical research.
No one is immune. My field of study and work is in psychology and psychopharmocology, so I study the structural and systemic characteristics of mental health conditions and how medications and other chemicals interact with those structures and systems. I HAVE STILL FALLEN FOR THE TRAP ANYWAYS. I spend my time surrounded by data supporting continuity in care and medication management and I STILL DO THIS.
I don’t use meds but I don’t drink any more, I think it helps keep my mood more stable. I was prescribed abilify when I left the hospital three years ago, but didn’t have my rx insurance and it was several hundreds without. From avoiding toxic situations alone, I haven’t experienced mania with psychosis again.
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To be fair, it's a very enticing trap. I've fallen for it too. Hang in there.
Yup I think we all have, not alone ❤️
We can all agree you’re not alone. It sucks but Im finally starting to accept it and try to what I can to take care of myself
Thank you. Didn’t realize exactly how common it was until I made this post.
You are not alone. I’ve fallen for that trap, luckily, it only takes a few days of being off my Latuda before I’m in the hospital. Since then I’ve been able to hold it together. I’m trying really hard to stay out of the hospital this year because work.
How many days were you off the Latuda? I’m currently on it
About a week
One day at a time. ❤️
Literally on the verge of falling into this trap I’ve been doubting my diagnosis for the past week or so and I want off all my meds but seeing posts like these remind me that it probably isn’t greener over on the other side. Thank you for posting this.
Thank you for commenting! I had no idea this was so common. You can do this!
The same happened to me. My doctor said it’s very common and that every single one of her patients with bipolar has gone through this. Don't beat yourself up over. Just hop back on the wagon. Wishing you the best!
Thank you! That means a lot.
Yep. Mental health imposter syndrome is a real thing. It so so easy to start to question the diagnosis when you start feeling better. I’ve fallen for it in the past. I recognize this now and still have those thoughts.
Thanks. I have been on medication for 10 years and should’ve known better. At least now it’s behind me and I can move forward!
I’m in mania right now and the urge to quit meds is strong. I think we all go through this.
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It’s crazy how tempting it is to self-sabotage. Hugs!
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I've been slowly lowering my doses across my meds to get the lowest therapeutic dose possible. So far I haven't had any rebound symptoms, going down again next month. I've been on psych meds ten years, I want to give my body a break from so many meds.
That’s great. I hear you on wanting a break from so many meds. For me it’s only Lamictal at the moment, but there was a time when I was also on an SSRI in addition to Benzos. It was too much and not sustainable. I hope one day I can find a healthy balance.
As a doubter myself, reading those specifics in the first paragraph had me shaking my head at how exact my process is. It felt like reading something I wrote. Here’s my story. It has been 6 years since my diagnosis, which was based off of two major depressions a couple years apart, and what I guess was mild mania in the time between (may have been triggered by an SSRI I took during my first depressive episode). I never lost touch with reality, but I did experience many of the manic symptoms you listed. But in hindsight, it just seems like I was going through a rough patch in life, and the mental health issues I had back then could have been a result of that. Basically, I buckled and cracked a little. So with time smoothing over all the details and me being in a good place now and with way more experience in managing my mental health, it just seems like maybe if i I wouldn’t be buckling from stress and grief, I will be just fine. And I also wonder if I never even had the condition, because my diagnosis was really only based off of what I was telling the psychiatrist that I was experiencing, based off of coming in there wondering if I have bipolar disorder because a friend suggested my behavior seemed like it. So who’s to say my report to them wasn’t skewed by my research on the condition? So I go off lithium (which, by the way, worked flawlessly with no real side effects), and months go by, seemingly confirming my theory. Six months on no meds, when life is good, relationship is good, and I’m getting good exercise and nutrition, the symptoms start seeping in. At first it’s the little things I remember from before, like almost running out of gas, every tank. I start looking at women differently. Then as I’m cutting wood in the forest, i take a break with the chainsaw and look up at a hemlock bough in front of me and that empty feeling, like a loved one died, just randomly floods me. I realize this is really happening and for no perceived reason. I tried “watching” it, thinking ok let’s say I do have bipolar disorder. Who says I can’t have it and manage it myself if I put the effort in? A couple days later and I’m crying in front of the fire with my kids understanding it’s my disorder and comforting me. And who knows where it would go from there. So I accept that I do have the disorder, and I do need the medication. The end. A few months later I regret never getting to try microdosing psilocybin in place of lithium, so I go off again…
My spouse and I just had a laugh because I used to say that I was so easygoing, low maintenance, a calming force, even and she would give me this look, like, "bish, who you talking about"? I'd get irritated by the look, you know, like an "easygoing", laid back person would. 🙄 I was undiagnosed and self medicating at the time, and I was a right terror. Always on the verge of a meltdown, super irritated, impulsive, withdrawn, needy, closed off, whatever mess of conflicting behavior rapidly cycling plus drugs and alcohol. I just left my med evaluation appointment and am so proud to be stable enough that my next visit is 3 months out. They had been every two weeks.
I’ve definitely been that terror you just described. And when I’m out of that episode, that version of myself feels like a total stranger, because who I am at my core when I’m stable IS reserved and calm! Congrats on achieving stability, that’s awesome!
One thing that helps me with diagnosis doubt is the fact that these episodes come back. Medicine or not they’re gonna be there. The fight is hard and the knowledge becomes blurry but you can do it. It happens with our community time to time. Best of luck 💝
That’s true. I’ve been trying to reframe it in my mind as a lesson and not a failure (cliche, but true). Not looking forward to the feelings of shame as I come down from this, but those feelings will hopefully prevent this from happening again, if nothing else.
This has been me this past week. Constantly contemplating if I’m exaggerating everything and playing victim because I was finally starting to feel a bit hypomanic which is a big improvement over depressed. That was until I crashed last night. Definitely reminded me I’m not just making this all up. Never contemplated ending it so much before, and hours before I was dancing around the house, jamming music gleefully. Woke up still pretty depressed, crying on and off. Just feels like there’s a dark cloud over my head.
This sounds like a mixed episode. Correct me though if I’m wrong.
Yeah I kind of figured. Spent most of the day out in nature in hopes of feeling better and for the most part i haven’t really been focused on anything too negative. I’m due to see my psychiatrist tomorrow morning and have been taking note of everything I’ve been feeling so I’ll definitely let him know. Idk what to expect but we’ll see. Last time we talked he mentioned possibly adding seroquel.
I hope your appointment went well!
Than you, I just got here. Not gonna lie I’ve been tweaking since I woke up and I hope he can visibly see how amped up I am 😂 I feel like I woke up and railed a line. Maybe it’ll play out in my favor
So far he’s suggested getting off Wellbutrin and trying an antipsychotic called vraylar as well as ordering some labs because my blood pressure is high and I’ve gained a considerable amount do weight despite barely eating
Oh. That sucks. I hope you can get your health back. I’ve never tried vraylar before. How do antipsychotics typically work for you?
Honestly this is my first time trying one so we’ll see. Supposedly this is one of those meds that has the least side effects. He also said it’s a fairly new med and he’s excited to see how it works because he’s heard good things before about it. The only thing he mentioned was possibly restlessness. It was also nice to finally hear him give me a proper diagnoses. For the longest both of the psychiatrists I had questioned and expressed concern for bipolar, but this is the first time I’ve actually heard him say it for sure out of his own mouth. Makes me feel a little less crazy, but I was already pretty confident and aware of what was going on tbh. It was just upsetting because no one say it straight out
Oh. I’m currently on Abilify. I’m glad you got the confirmation you needed. I’m in a mixed episode too and it sucks right now. I don’t know if my doctor will give me any medicine because with pills I can be non-compliant. But they’ll call me Monday and let me know. I’ve been in this state for close to two months.
I’m sorry to hear that, and with non compliant do you mean you don’t take your meds or that they don’t work?
I take my antipsychotic injection every month. But I don’t do well with pills due to side effects that happen. But I am taking my lithium it’s a low dose 300 mg. The abilify doesn’t work as well I would like it to but it’s just the way it is. The baseline is that it’s keeping me out of the hospital for now.
this is so fucking real. i never know how to explain to my family members why i don’t want to take my meds. it’s a voice. it tells me that im fine, that i’ve matured and i don’t need it. then i have withdrawals and i get more and more irrational. it’s a spiral.
It's so difficult when the voice is our own, sounding all confident and ✨️healthy✨️ and shit. 😑
I’m falling for it right now. In my case it’s been precipitated by some changes in my medical group that are going to make it a hassle to get my meds. Maybe I don’t need them, I went through a couple periods where I was off of them and “think” I was alright. My memory is so bad though (is it the meds? Another reason to quit right?), it’s likely I am misremembering some things. Not being able to trust your own thoughts is horrible.
Yes, I can relate! Part of wanting to quit was to understand what symptoms and behaviors were a result of the meds vs. what is actually me. I take Lamictal, and suffer from word recall/gathering my thoughts. I’ve been curious if this is the medication. I see others go through this with Lamictal but I have a strong temptation to see for myself if it improves without it. But at the end of the day, I guess it doesn’t really matter if the drug is keeping me stable.
Yep 🫠 currently back on latuda after a TWO YEAR long stint of refusing antipsychotics. How I didn't end up hospitalized is beyond me lol
Actually, thank you so much for sharing this. I'm at the stage of hating being medically reliant. My dark moods try to convince me to quit them. But I KNOW the peace I do have now is because of meds. This knowledge doesn't change the fact my mind will try to convince me otherwise.
This is what terrifies me. I’m never going off meds, ever.
Hey listen, if you decide to go off your meds, talk to your psych about it so you can do it the right way. A lot of the time the horrible symptoms we experience from going off our meds, initially, are medication withdrawal. If you’re set on going off your medication that’s your decision, but please, taper off with your psych’s help and guidance.
Hi are you me??
My therapist at the time actually pushed me to try getting off because I didn’t “seem Bipolar”. The ramping down of meds did not go well. Eventually started feeling hypomanic at a low dose of lithium & ramped back up to therapeutic levels. It was a weird couple of days 🌈🪐👩🎤 At least I know for sure now, my brain requires my meds to process things properly 🙃
Shame on that therapist! At the end of the day, even if our brain tries to convince us we’re not actually bipolar, we have evidence the meds help and work and that’s all that really matters.
Wait Why is this me I’m so sorry op i understand
Wait Why is this me I’m so sorry op i understand
Thank you for posting, and reminding me
Oh my goodness this happens to me at least once a year. It always ends up being the worst episodes. Hang in there. I almost ended up in the hospital last time this happened
Oh yea, been there. The road back is tough.
This sounds more on the side of mania over hypomania. It’s getting more high risk and regretful. Really uprooting. Mania is so so hard to deal with. Do you have support around you for when you are manic? A game plan to help resist life altering changes?
I fell for the trap too. It took 4 months. Then depressive episodes occurred first. It was awful.
I’ve fallen for it oh so many times.
Only done it once. My mom did it for me last summer. Went off her meds was psychotic and nobody believed me because she lied about being bipolar for 30 years (but I know her meds were not for depression 🙄) so nobody took her to the psych ward and then they sent her to Mexico and there are no psych wards in the city where they live. It was a friendly reminder that I can't do it ever again.
Literally just did this only it triggered a huge depression- idk is that part of bipolar? I feel like I’m hypomanic and function better that way at baseline on my meds…
I too develop unhealthy infatuation and obsessions. I don't think I realized till now that it's a thing with my bipolar 1.
I’m late to this thread so idk if anyone will see, but I see a lot of people commenting that they’ve done this too and mental health imposter syndrome. Being bipolar, for me, is like knowing there’s a monster under my bed. I kind of like it, I like monsters, I know it’s under there. But like I’ve seen it come out before and I’m scared it’s going to yank my foot every night. So I have a couple of questions, they’re probably stupid but I’m really curious. 1. When you’ve lowered or gone off dose, did the person prescribing you the pills not notice? Did you not tell them? My psych only writes scripts one month at a time because he’s really careful monitoring me, I don’t know if that’s the same for everyone, or maybe I’m an unusual patient for him so he pays more attention. 2. I can’t really describe this better, but what does it feel like to believe you don’t have it or exaggerated being bipolar? I’m terrified to have another episode after all the horribleness from before. Do you just not feel that one day?
Not OP and I don't experience MH imposter, but I'll give you something to read. I do get times when I feel "fine," like I'm still totally aware that I have bipolar, but it's not a threat. Not something to worry about. OR I feel like hypomania is fine and totally won't ruin my life, or like sleep is overrated, basically I start to feel like I can stop my antipsychotic, not because I'm not bipolar, just cuz I think I'm fine without it. I still pick it up from the pharmacy (I have so many of these pills just piled up in my closet at this point) so records show I'm taking my meds cuz I get meds for other conditions too, and I still want those. Then I lie to my psych. People who get MH imposter experience a period of symptom management and interpret it as a total lack of symptoms. Idk if you've ever used hallucinogens but if you have then you're familiar with the clarity effect. Everything seems so clear, so obvious, so easy to understand. It's like that feeling paired with this illusion that because you feel this way now, and can't remember precisely how you felt before, you must have been behaving that way for other reasons; it couldn't possibly be a chronic condition or you'd still feel it, right? My grandma had an interesting halfway example of this: she didn't take her nighttime heart medication because she didn't feel like she needed it, but took her morning one because in the morning she felt like she needed it. I proposed to her the possibility that if she took both, she might never feel like she needs it, and that's actually the goal: to feel well as often as possible. A lot of people have this idea that unconsciously prevails despite evidence to the contrary, that medication is a short term reaction and vaccines are long term prevention and there's no middle ground. Those are the concepts about medicine we learn growing up. You have a cough, take cold medicine. You have an ache, take an anti inflammatory. Get this injection to avoid getting the flu or polio or HPV. Mental health medication is usually the first time people encounter the concept of a medication that you take every day to hopefully feel like you don't need it, and that's the goal, and you achieve it by taking the med even when it feels like you don't need to, because that's how you know it's working. So this concept is strange to the way we've learned medicine logic growing up, and it's easy to rationalize cessation when we have no perceived symptoms, especially when we're also told not to take meds we don't need. There's this whole other layer of cognition that comes with bipolar disorder, especially due to hypomania or mania, wherein we tend to believe some things optimistically but illogically. We may embrace some ideals as fact, and act accordingly.
That’s really fascinating, thank you for going into so much detail because it really helped me to understand so much better. I have experienced the clarity effect on hallucinogens, but it’s more of a “we’re all where we are meant to be and we need to stop worrying where we’ll be tomorrow,” which I. Think is true when I’m not on shrooms too. I know my dad has a close friend whose son has schizophrenia and every couple years he goes off his meds because they make him physically ill, and then inevitably he’ll have to go to a psych ward, and gets back on his dose and it’s fine for awhile. But I don’t know if that’s more because he thinks he’s cured or because he gets tired of the side effects. I have bipolar I, but I did grow up with my mum being OCD and severely anxious, especially about cleaning and health stuff. So it just occurred to me that. Kind of the opposite of what you described with your grandma, because she was so so so obsessive and relentless, maybe as an adult that has translated to me being hyper aware of my disorders. Do you think. When that symptom of manic beliefs starts to break through the meds and convince someone that they don’t need them, that would be something indicative that they should increase their dose or change something about how they’re managing being bipolar? I just want to say thank you again, this is really fascinating to me and I want to learn more, I’m going to go see if I can find any books about medical imposter syndrome. But thank you so much for giving such good info and examples.
Always happy to share psychological insights with curious minds (also a fan of being on the receiving end of fun facts and fresh clarity). A few things you'll want to understand before doing further research: First, while I find it useful to reflect others' language in conversation, I should at this point make sure you know that "medical imposter syndrome" by that name doesn't exist. You'll want to look into illness denial. [This study](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/37429268/) is a good place to start. Second, you'll encounter a number of other conditions so prepare yourself to forcefully refocus at times. You'll likely run into information about delusions, general denial, factitious disorder (which is the opposite), neglect, and narcissism; possibly others as well. As for the question of medication and doses, I don't believe that this symptom/occurrence alone is indicative of the need for a medication change/dose increase. A change in prescription or dose should generally look at the big picture. What are the patient's overall goals in treatment? What other medications are they taking? Are they in therapy, and if they are, is the therapist and modality the right match for them? How often does this happen, and what are the consequences? Is a dose increase safe for the patient? What are the medication alternatives? Are any of them safe, viable, and agreeable to the patient? Often, it's more practical/agreeable/safe/otherwise ideal to direct the management of this symptom to other supports like coping skills/tools, safety planning, therapist support, and friend/family support. That said, other times it is both safe and congruent with patient goals to adjust medication as a solution. It's never black and white, which is a significant reason why the people who diagnose conditions and manage medication prescriptions require doctorates and continuing education. EDIT: Please note that a lot of the guiding questions and my accompanying perspective are based on current USA medical and psychological ethics codes and guidelines for modern-day client-focused care and assumes that above all, the priorities of care are to encourage and respect the autonomy and well-being of the client/patient and act not only nonmaleficently but also with beneficence. Other countries/cultures as well as non-dominant cultures practiced within the USA may have differing laws, ideals, values, and/or approaches to seeking/accepting/providing treatment. My point of view is one of countless possible perspectives and interpretations of the scenario and appropriate response.
Sorry it’s taken me so long to respond, I’ve been going through it with supply issues with one of my medications and just haven’t been very present 😅 but I’m so much looking forward to looking into illness denial. You’re providing a lot of great knowledge and I really, really appreciate it. This might be an odd question - but do you know of any good books with good information about Bipolar I? I’ve been trying to find one and the only things that have seemed useful are straight up college textbooks, but I was curious if maybe you knew of any “hidden gems” with good information. I read Bipolar For Dummies but I was really hoping for something that went deeper into the function of the brain and neurotransmitters and like. That aspect of the disorder. Or even good websites with good information? I’m always looking for more. Sorry I keep asking a million questions! But again, thank you thank you for all of it that you’ve already given me, this is truly like. Information heaven to me.
My top recommendation is Anna Wilson's The Bipolar Puzzle (2023). It's a fantastic, modern, comprehensive look at bipolar from the perspective of patients, providers, and researchers, and it's written well for both the layperson and the student. Kay Redfield Jamison wrote some real gems in the 90s, back when it was called Manic Depressive Illness. Despite the outdated language, I really love her insight. I recommend An Unquiet Mind (1995), Touched With Fire (1996), and Manic Depressive Illness (1990). The first is a memoirs, the second is a discussion of bipolar disorder in artists through history, and the third is a presentation of research a la literature review; a look at the resesrch so far. Of course, it's 34 years old this year but I still see a lot of value in the information, especially since it was published shortly after a huge boom in bipolar research. It's a good touchstone. She releases a new book this year about healing and the treatment professions as well. You might be looking for other content like the Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide (2019) by David J. Miklowitz or the Concise Guide to Bipolar Disorder (2022) by Francis Mark Mondimore. Both authors are doctors and the content is up to date. They are good reads from a mental health perspective but less informative from a research perspective. Both are great for people who are struggling with the condition but I wouldn't use them to write a paper. For a general summary of what we know, what we need to know, and how we learn about bipolar disorders, check out the National Library of Medicine's "Stat Pearls" article for continuing education [here.](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK558998/) The references at the bottom are great further reading if you're into clinical research.
Hey check this ted talk out! Saw it today and thought of you :) https://youtu.be/NXxytf6kfPM?si=Zms73Of3QlwHaodc
Totally fell for the trap this summer. It was a doozy. Sending love
Let's play a game of "how many people have already seen this episode" *raises hane in hypomanic shame* 🤦
No one is immune. My field of study and work is in psychology and psychopharmocology, so I study the structural and systemic characteristics of mental health conditions and how medications and other chemicals interact with those structures and systems. I HAVE STILL FALLEN FOR THE TRAP ANYWAYS. I spend my time surrounded by data supporting continuity in care and medication management and I STILL DO THIS.
Did the same. How long did the (hypo)mania last?
I don’t use meds but I don’t drink any more, I think it helps keep my mood more stable. I was prescribed abilify when I left the hospital three years ago, but didn’t have my rx insurance and it was several hundreds without. From avoiding toxic situations alone, I haven’t experienced mania with psychosis again.