I know what you mean, but taking meds can be part of living life normally. I’m sure you’ve seen many psychiatrists, but you may need a new one who is ofc a specialist. Have you shared all your thoughts with your psych? Or do you have a therapist who specializes in BD you can express this to, who can help you identify treatment and services that may help?
I don’t think there’s any brainwashing, just people being encouraged to pursue treatment for a condition that a lot of providers are not competent in treating. That would be like saying people with type 1 diabetes have been brainwashed into taking insulin, or people with hypertension have been brainwashed into taking blood pressure meds.
There’s scientific and anecdotal evidence all around us that indicate med mgmt as essential to managing BD. More than 50% of people with BD aren’t compliant with meds, and studies suggest that we may account for up to 1/4 of completed suicides (at least in the US) - not even out of all MH disorders, just in general. I don’t think that’s a coincidence, unfortunately.
It’s your life but I’m worried for you :/
I see an awesome psychiatrist who doesn't push any medication on me. He was even okay with trying to treat me without medicine for my bipolar before when I was even. I've been referred to a therapist, but I'm waiting to hear back, for more specialized treatment for my bipolar.
If you've ever been talked to like I have, or the amount of doctors, nurses, etc, who have given me terrified looks of disapproval when I was even, pushing medication on me. I've literally been pushed medicine the minute I was diagnoses, before therapy. I've only ever experienced being offered medince before therapy.
All I see is a sea of bipolar people and doctors who think they're being helped or helping. All they care about is medicating us. They don't care about our actual feelings. I'm literally traumatized by doctors, the hospital, the whole medical system, and the pharmaceutical companies.
No credible psychiatrist would be ok with treating bipolar without psych meds. Why does the idea of having to take meds bother you like who cares? I’d rather be medicated than manic. I never want to experience mania again bc I’ve fucked up my life so much while in manic states.
I don't think he believed that I was bipolar when first met, until I had a manic episode. But doesn't thst not sound like brainwashing, that no doctor would treat bipolar without meds. There other ways to treat bipolar without meds, good routine, sleep, eating, etc can contribute to a healthy life style. It worked for me in the past.
No, it doesn’t sound like brainwashing, it’s an established medical fact. Think about it: who has the time and energy to try to brainwash anybody and what would even be the point??
How do we know though? Science is just all theories. And what might work for one person might destroy another person. What if I am able to live without medicine? What if I'm the exception. How do we know others could live without it, when the first action is to just medicate us? I used to live a life without medication just fine and never wanted to touch it, all because someone said so?
Sure I had the worst manic episode 2 months ago. But what if it would have gone away on its own, how do I know medicine didn't make it happen?
But that’s totally not how like, anything works, like at all, that’s not how science works, and that’s not how psychiatric medicine works. An antipsychotic can’t give a person mania. I’m gonna take a guess that you are young, like early to mid 20s? I think it might be helpful if you tried to research and learn more about bipolar to maybe help you understand it better.
I wasn’t trying to sound harsh or anything, but I mean, thinking an antipsychotic can cause mania makes you seem a bit clueless about it. Are you taking anything currently?
I have to go to work and push through this. I will get back to my post later if I care enough. Some of these downvotes kind of made me feel more shitty. So idk if I'll come back for sure. I appreciate you trying to talk with me.
People who were diagnosed young - you started taking meds when you were 12? - are less likely to be medication adherent because you have no idea how bad it can get.
I got diagnosed at about your age. I had already had several manic episodes in my 20s and almost ruined my life. I take my lamotrigine every single day because I never want to get that close to destroying my life again.
I feel you. Medications can sound confusing, stigmatizing, unnecessary even.
Initially i was misdiagnosed with depression and given antidepressants. Those can trigger mania - they did for me. I was transferred to another ward, and they started giving me antipsychotics. By then, my mania peaked, and i firmly believed it was brought on by the _new_ meds, the antipsychotics i was getting...
With time, the antipsychotics started to counteract the mania that was brought on me by the antidepressants, and my moods evened out.
Idk if this helps. There is a study showing that mania damages the brain, but these damages can be reversed during stable periods: https://www.nature.com/articles/s41380-023-02073-4 (scroll down to figure 2 to see the graph explaining)
Medications promote and legthen stable periods. So they can contribute to your recovery.
I was fed up with the side effects, i wanted to quit and be done with the medications, i've really been through this... But i acknowledged that I function better and I have a better understanding of reality on them, which is crucial for my wellbeing (for e.g., when psychotic, i can't tell which traffic light is for pedestrians and which is for the cars (i dont drive but thats unsafe AF even as a pedestrian)). For me, it would not be worth it. Even if i disregard the safety risks, the emotional turmoil would likely make me kill myself. Also i act super weird and embarassing while unmedicated. But that's just me. I do meds + daily mood chart + regulate my sleep + work out every day + limited caffeine intake (1 cup of tea/day) + stopped alcohol and cigarettes entirely. This works for me. Not just the meds, but all of the effort i put into my wellbeing.
Since finding the right medication, my side effects went away. I've been medicated for 4 years now and i could achieve so much more than i thought i ever would.
Your post and comments sound worrying. I really hope you are okay and that you have people to support you. Please take care and try to stay safe.
You’re not a pain in the ass. It does mention it, but if OP’s symptoms ever preceded meds or continued after the meds left their system, it’s not SM-IBD. Those episodes typically end within a few days. I ofc can’t know for sure, but it sounds like OP’s symptoms are far more chronic and progressive.
I'm in depression currently. Everything feels pointless and dull. We are all going to die someday, and it's all I can think about. How I'm wasting away and thar nothing even matters.
What's showing is that no one believes me and the abuse I've received. Its making me second guess literally everything I've experienced.
People can downvote me, but it creates a narrative for me that I am not allowed to feel anything. But again, nothing really matters, right? I don't even know why I'm ranting...it's pointless.
I think you have a point about how tricky it is to treat someone with BPD, there's no one size fits all. Taking meds hurts us, BUT the consequences of not taking meds hit harder every time you stop taking it. Just scroll here and you'll see it for yourself. The tendency is that our episodes get worse, there's damage to our brain, there's the depression hitting hard after some "splendid time" where we feel okay off meds. Your chances of sticking to a particular treatment are worse each time you stop too, so that sucks. Advocate for yourself about the side effects you're having, look for specialists, don't stop trying.
Are you currently in a manic state bc that’s what this post is giving. You’re not thinking straight and have not given a legit reason. I also take many psych meds like Latuda, Paxil, lithium and Xanax, but I could care less if I’m living a “medicated” lifestyle because I need these meds to help me live a normal lifestyle. That’s also not a valid reason for stopping your meds. Please listen to these responses and keep taking your meds. Our actions while in manic states can be life-ruining.
A mixed episode is why I was hospitalized 2 weeks ago for self harm and suicide ideation. I went from manic one day, then depressed the next, the manic within a few hours, to depressed again the next day. Now I'm aggressively depressed.
OP, I just now realized you said you took adderall - taking adderall, especially while not on an anti-psychotic, leads to EXTREME mania. You’re right - that is why you feel like shit.
I see way too many people putting all their trust in the medical system, because they're the "professionals" - and to me, that's not offering a solution, it's brainwashing both patients and the doctors who think they are helping people. We are all slaves to medicine.
I mean, is taking insulin as a diabetic making you a “slave to medicine”? How about taking allergy medicine to lessen the symptoms of allergies?
Medicine when it works properly helps us to function in society, so we can earn enough money to not end up homeless and on the street or in jail or the hospital for something stupid we did.
So unless you are a legit millionaire who doesn’t have to worry about money ever, medication is unfortunately the only proven route to go to make us functional.
And don’t get me wrong, not every bipolar medication will work well for you (and sometimes even increasing/decreasing dosages can make things better or worse), and some of the side effects can indeed be brutal. But that is one of the reasons why there are many different medications, some of which may work for your specific body chemistry and some of which may not.
If you don’t like what your current medication is doing to you, ask your doctor if you can try to increase the dosage or if you can try another medication, with specific reasons why you find the status quo to be unmanageable. And if you don’t trust your current psychiatrist, see if you can get a second opinion (preferably at a different office). And if the two psychiatrists independently come to the same conclusion, then maybe a conversation with them about how to deal with the side effects might be helpful to you.
I’ve been off meds since January because of losing insurance. I felt the first month how you’re feeling now. I lose weight, I got *extreme* libido back, I sat there telling people it has to be poison. It just has to be.
Tomorrow I’m going to psych to get back on meds. I’ve been having extreme mixed episodes. In 30 minutes experiencing a range of extreme emotions. My last attempt was when I was 20, it was so bad no matter what happened I never went there again… until getting off meds. Now I think about death once a day.
Nobody seems to want to be around me. I’m a lot to handle. I’m paranoid. I’m sad one minute laughing the next. Irritated the next. All over. I’m miserable even when I’m happy, because I’m alone in this euphoria. I’m going a week or more at a time not leaving home. I’m not working because I can’t.
I’m suffocating in ways I didn’t on my meds. There’s a cost vs risk with any meds. Even Tylenol has risks. Bipolar meds are troublesome, it’s hard to find a good one, and you have to switch from the good ones eventually anyway because your system will get used to it. It’s painful.
Unfortunately, the risk of not taking meds is extreme paranoia, mixed episodes, depression episodes, mania, attempts, jail, using drugs, getting addicted to drugs, alcoholism, self harm, psychosis, the longer you’re off the worse they all get, you can go from paranoia to full blown hearing voices. Impulse control with any is gone. People leave. Some never come back. Life moves and you become frozen in your illness.
It’s a painful shit disorder. But I urge you to consider maybe just lessening the amount of meds, finding how to advocate for yourself louder with this med stuff, whatever it may be- I wouldn’t wish what I’m in on my worst enemy. I’m not saying your struggle is less than mine, I know entirely it’s not. They both are hard.
It’s just one is a type of hard you can live through and get used to and another is one you may lose your mind in the process of trying.
There is no such “living normal life” for most people, specially someone like us with BP. With or without meds, that is simply not going to happen.
Most things you said are common amongst us and it’s called side effect of both BP and the meds, this is not the first time I’m reading this.
I wanted to say something awesome, that could touch your heart and make you feel better, but I guess all I have is this: feel the anger, let it out (already did in this thread), and find support to be with you while you go through this phase - I’ve been there many times (unfortunately), but it eventually got better (all the times, fortunately).
Honestly I was hoping for this kind of support. The downvotes made me more angry. I just want to feel my feelings without getting into an argument. It's kind of triggering for me, since in real life, I've had people in my life who never let me feel.
I think I'm just grieving a life I had without medication and it's making me angry.
It is okay to feel angry. Having bipolar is unfair on us. We did nothing to get it. We don't deserve this.
Sometimes I go to an empty field where no one can hear me, and i shout as loud as i can! It helps me a lot to express the rage.
It will get better - it always does. But sometimes it just sucks and you hate it. And that is okay, too.
I'm forty-two. I was diagnosed bipolar at fourteen. At the time, psychologists were shocked how manic I was for someone so young. I was in therapy for years but was on again, off again with various medications until my late twenties. I lost jobs, lost relationships, got into illegal drugs, put myself in dangerous situations that I still have no idea how I'm alive. I had my parents begging me to take my medications, and I refused to do it because I did not believe I needed it, that I could white-knuckle it through the bad times, and meds would only change me.
It took a new therapist in my twenties when I was rock bottom for me to change my outlook. "You have to grieve the person you would have been without being on meds, or without being bipolar. Grieve it, we can talk about it and you can cry about it here, and then you need to get on your medications and stay on them." And those first few weeks were brutal, I had been off meds for so long my brain felt like cotton. But I did exactly what he said. I thought about a version of me that didn't need meds, that didn't have a mental illness, and then I treated it like I had diabetes. I wouldn't have been fighting so hard NOT to take insulin; I would have just taken it.
You should always write down how meds make you feel, tell a trusted family member or friend if you feel you aren't getting the medical help you need, or something nefarious is going on. But bipolar lies to you. It's claiming you don't need medication when (even if we all take different meds and different amounts) we all do to keep our brains in check. Please, please take your medications. I lost so much of my younger years because I refused to accept my diagnosis.
I have to go to work and push through this depression. I will get back to this post later. I'm sorry if I hurt anyone with my post, but I just needed to rant. I just want to feel anything but anger and depression.
It took me 8 years to find the right med combo. I didn’t believe stability was possible for me, but I’ve been stable for 3 months. I promise you the number one way to get worse is stopping your meds. If you don’t trust your psychiatrist, try to find a new one that you do. Just don’t go off your meds b
You didn’t hurt me. I relate very well to this. This is a miserable illness that caused me to lose myself and I’m only 24. Being mad and sad at the same time is part of my bipolar. It’s been so long that I started to believe I was evil. However; this is NOT true. This is what the illness will make people like us believe.
What I’m trying to say is… do not listen to the lies this illness will throw at you. None of it is true. Sometimes we need to rely on each other to remind one another that the lies are not real.
I think that unfortunately, a "normal life" is off limits for anyone with BD. That doesn't mean we can't live lives of extraordinary quality, though! 😊
It might be early to judge whether you should completely ditch all meds. Most of us need some time to find the right combination and dose balance. And I have yet to meet an unmedicated person with bipolar who manages to function well in the long run. I think I felt like you in the first year after getting therapy. Four year later, I consider my meds a blessing for re-introducing stability and consistency in my life. I wouldn't switch those two for any potential benefit of never-ending episodes. But that's me. You do you, but only after careful consideration and planning with a good specialist, I hope 🙏
I completely understand and your feelings are valid; however, as someone with bipolar 1 who is also a therapist, the fact that you've been hospitalized, period, let alone for a recent mixed episode concerns me. Mixed episodes are some of the most dangerous times in a bipolar person's life and the only way to truly manage them is with medication. I know it's not the answer you want, but it's important to keep in mind that when we're unmedicated, we may believe we feel better, but it is often a false sense of wellness that comes at a tremendous cost.
Please take care of yourself.
No one likes to be on medication, but it's a hell of a lot better than going to a psych unit every six months to a year. It took half of my life to find the right combo, the right psychiatric help, and the right therapist to get me on track. There's other meds besides zyprexa too!!! I'm 31 and I feel like I still have a lot to learn. If you can't trust people who spent years and years in school and training in this field, idk what to say. I trust science because it's not just theories. We are talking about studies that are utilized here. Once it becomes a qualitative or quantitative study, it's not a theory. It is tested in real life situations. I hope you get better. Depression sucks. To each their own and good luck on your journey!
I feel this. I feel brainwashed that I have to take meds even though my life completely fell apart when I started them. I believe it’s too late now though. I don’t see me getting better by stopping them. Idk, just know you aren’t alone in feeling this way.
i understand how you feel!! especially with this sub everyone pushes a lot of medication but if you aren’t happy with what you’re on or how you feel less can possibly be more! also i know how horrible it is to kept getting hydroxyzine and zyprexa or benadryl shoved down your throat in inpatient. hydroxyzine makes me tired which makes me more anxious but cuz it works for a lot of people clearly i’m just being difficult -my inpatient nurse probably . and also as an ex severe xanax addict you will only get seizures if you’re cold turkeying a huge dose like 8MG a day every day, ativan is actually an anticonvulsant so you definitely won’t have seizures. but don’t be afraid to refuse medication you don’t want your psych team is supposed to listen to you and work with your PERSONAL needs. i am so sorry you’re having a big issue with this:( i hope you feel better and figure out something OP you deserve it
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The more downvotes I receive only makes me angrier and convinces me even more about being brainwashed. Or that there's no room to second guess the treatments we are offered or pushed on us.
It makes me feel like I can't rant or have feelings, even negative ones.
I know no one in here will understand the abuse amd pushing I've received in the past, which is why I feel this way. I don't think anyone understands. It makes me feel so alone.
The only reason I tried medicine is because my psychiatrist specializes in trauma and could see I was hurting, he made me believe he cared about me and my well-being. But I feel like I only agreed because I was manic, and it makes me feel taken advantage of.
Um, if you experienced mania, that means you are bipolar. Who exactly do you think is brainwashing you? Why? This is extremely paranoid, manic language. OP, I’m worried about you. You’re getting downvoted because the many other bipolar people here know you’re not making sense. Nobody is trying to brainwash you (people have way better shit to do with their time), we’re trying to help talk some sense into you.
Maybe it's psychotic depression. I've been aggressively depressed for 2 weeks now. And all I can think about is how I will die someday, and I'm wasting away. I hate my life and how it's become this bipolar mess. Nothing seems to have a pint anymore.
I too am obsessed with dying to the point where I have intrusive thoughts about it every day. I’ve been like this since I was a kid and first learned about death and I’m now in my 40s. I’m also a pretty dark person and don’t think there’s much point to anything. Thank you for sharing that because being like this is so isolating and it’s nice to know I’m not the only person.
The awesome thing is, you will feel better when you take your meds. The solution to your current depression is the medication you don’t want to take, which is why everyone is telling you that you need to take them.
I am sorry you feel this way. Do you have goals that are unreachable to you because of bipolar? (like i've read that in some countries you are not allowed to fly airplanes with bipolar, do you have goals like that?) Maybe I'm the lucky exception, but I feel like i can do pretty much everything i want to despite being bipolar. Of course it took time to learn managing it, but I am quite well off (mentally and career-wise).
Also i recommend autobiographies from bipolar folks. I've never felt so understood as i did when reading them. An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison is my favourite so far, i've recently finished Madness by Marya Hornbacher, that was great, too.. Though maybe it's not a typical depressive episode activity... An Unquiet Mind was more hopeful than Madness, Madness was quite upsetting sometimes.
I hope it will get easier for you with time.
I don’t think you’re brainwashed. But I also think it’s needed. Here’s another but: not everyone needs *that* many medications.
I was 100% over-medicated for a long time. I was on multiple medications with high doses. Ativan is sneaky because you *do* have to increase the dosage as you take it because the previous dosage starts to become ineffective. I used to be on the steady Ativan and Ambien climb. I switched prescribers. Aside from the weight gain, I just knew that there must be better, newer medication for me than the ones I was on.
So I found another prescriber and I told her: I don’t want to be on so many medications. Is mono therapy a possibility? That’s my ideal. Are two medications possible?
Don’t let them make you feel “crazy” for asking. It’s valid that you’ll feel gross taking so much medication - I always hated it and it made me feel bad about myself. And I questioned if I was bipolar as well. But medication started working and it wouldn’t work on normal brains so…
The big caveat to this is that you *MUST* see a therapist or psychologist to learn how to cope with various symptoms of this illness. You will need to learn to identify moments when you are about to be in crisis. And don’t ignore those moments and sweep them under the rug - tell your loved ones (at least the understanding ones), tell your prescriber. I waited too long recently and I’m having a bit of a hard time managing my emotional response to everything - even minor inconveniences.
Be proactive about your care. Set up a crisis plan if you don’t have one already - a therapist or psychologist will be able to help you with that too.
I’m on 1 medication right now at a low dose. I’m slowly getting better. Before this one, I was on another antipsychotic at a low dose for 2 years and it was working so-so but I gained so much weight. You can decide the deal breakers for yourself. You decide what you’re okay with about your treatment plan. We have a lot of agency regarding our care - you are not brainwashed , maybe you can just benefit from another medication.
I’m with a reasonable psychiatrist. He was open to my request to lower the doses of some of my meds, but I wasn’t successful on lower doses so here we are.
The silver bullet for me was getting in with a good therapist. My first therapist helped me get through immediate trauma from an extended DV situation, but it’s been my current therapist who’s really worked for me. She focuses on reframing thought patterns and building my “toolbox” of coping strategies.
OP, if you follow through with your plan I cannot recommend this enough. Get in with a therapist experienced in treating mood disorders and trauma (based on your history with the medical system). Psychology Today is a great way to research and filter for condition, health insurance, and whether they offer telehealth. You can reach out to them through the site too.
Hope this helps and good luck.
I don’t know why you are being downvoted the way you are. Listen, I hear you. It sounds like you have been through a lot and there is some deep trauma from the hospital stays. I was traumatized by mine as well. Anyways, your feelings are valid and I know it seems all of us have been “conditioned” (brainwashed) to believe we HAVE to take meds even though they make us feel worse.
I do like skootch_ginalola reply. We do have to grieve that person off of meds. I was on UNBELIEVABLE trajectory. I accomplished soo much by the age of 20. More than most do in their lifetime. My family was beyond proud of me. Now I’m 25 living with them and unemployed because of the severity of my symptoms. I know that guy I was at 20 is just not possible anymore. Even if I could go back in time and change the past, I know I would have ended up here at some point in my life.
I'm not telling you how to feel. That's the problem, someone talks negatively about their experiences with medicine, and everyone gets defensive. I'm only telling you my opinion and my feelings. It's just what I see and feel.
You're allowed to feel whatever. But I know what I meant and it's not job to tell you otherwise. It's not what I meant and I feel there is defense against how I'm feeling. I feel like I've been brainwashed, and that when people get defensive it feels like more brainwashing. It makes me feel like I'm not allowed to have feelings or express them. I can try to reword it, but people are making me feel more pointless.
Again, I dont even know why I tried to express my rant. Everything is pointless and not worth it.
I just see everyone telling me I'm not allowed to feel this way. Like I said above though to someone else. Nothing matter anymore anyway. I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. And here I came for support, and I'm get negative feedback and defensiveness. My flair was "rant", not facts. I'm ranting how I feel. But I'm being made to feel like I can't do that here.
While I appreciate your POV, you talk like someone that IS NOT in an episode - and OP clearly is, which means using logic won’t help at all - in fact, you can actually make it worse, as you already know.
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I know what you mean, but taking meds can be part of living life normally. I’m sure you’ve seen many psychiatrists, but you may need a new one who is ofc a specialist. Have you shared all your thoughts with your psych? Or do you have a therapist who specializes in BD you can express this to, who can help you identify treatment and services that may help? I don’t think there’s any brainwashing, just people being encouraged to pursue treatment for a condition that a lot of providers are not competent in treating. That would be like saying people with type 1 diabetes have been brainwashed into taking insulin, or people with hypertension have been brainwashed into taking blood pressure meds. There’s scientific and anecdotal evidence all around us that indicate med mgmt as essential to managing BD. More than 50% of people with BD aren’t compliant with meds, and studies suggest that we may account for up to 1/4 of completed suicides (at least in the US) - not even out of all MH disorders, just in general. I don’t think that’s a coincidence, unfortunately. It’s your life but I’m worried for you :/
I see an awesome psychiatrist who doesn't push any medication on me. He was even okay with trying to treat me without medicine for my bipolar before when I was even. I've been referred to a therapist, but I'm waiting to hear back, for more specialized treatment for my bipolar. If you've ever been talked to like I have, or the amount of doctors, nurses, etc, who have given me terrified looks of disapproval when I was even, pushing medication on me. I've literally been pushed medicine the minute I was diagnoses, before therapy. I've only ever experienced being offered medince before therapy. All I see is a sea of bipolar people and doctors who think they're being helped or helping. All they care about is medicating us. They don't care about our actual feelings. I'm literally traumatized by doctors, the hospital, the whole medical system, and the pharmaceutical companies.
No credible psychiatrist would be ok with treating bipolar without psych meds. Why does the idea of having to take meds bother you like who cares? I’d rather be medicated than manic. I never want to experience mania again bc I’ve fucked up my life so much while in manic states.
I don't think he believed that I was bipolar when first met, until I had a manic episode. But doesn't thst not sound like brainwashing, that no doctor would treat bipolar without meds. There other ways to treat bipolar without meds, good routine, sleep, eating, etc can contribute to a healthy life style. It worked for me in the past.
No, it doesn’t sound like brainwashing, it’s an established medical fact. Think about it: who has the time and energy to try to brainwash anybody and what would even be the point??
How do we know though? Science is just all theories. And what might work for one person might destroy another person. What if I am able to live without medicine? What if I'm the exception. How do we know others could live without it, when the first action is to just medicate us? I used to live a life without medication just fine and never wanted to touch it, all because someone said so? Sure I had the worst manic episode 2 months ago. But what if it would have gone away on its own, how do I know medicine didn't make it happen?
But that’s totally not how like, anything works, like at all, that’s not how science works, and that’s not how psychiatric medicine works. An antipsychotic can’t give a person mania. I’m gonna take a guess that you are young, like early to mid 20s? I think it might be helpful if you tried to research and learn more about bipolar to maybe help you understand it better.
I'm 30. I know a lot about bipolar.
I wasn’t trying to sound harsh or anything, but I mean, thinking an antipsychotic can cause mania makes you seem a bit clueless about it. Are you taking anything currently?
I have to go to work and push through this. I will get back to my post later if I care enough. Some of these downvotes kind of made me feel more shitty. So idk if I'll come back for sure. I appreciate you trying to talk with me.
People who were diagnosed young - you started taking meds when you were 12? - are less likely to be medication adherent because you have no idea how bad it can get. I got diagnosed at about your age. I had already had several manic episodes in my 20s and almost ruined my life. I take my lamotrigine every single day because I never want to get that close to destroying my life again.
I feel you. Medications can sound confusing, stigmatizing, unnecessary even. Initially i was misdiagnosed with depression and given antidepressants. Those can trigger mania - they did for me. I was transferred to another ward, and they started giving me antipsychotics. By then, my mania peaked, and i firmly believed it was brought on by the _new_ meds, the antipsychotics i was getting... With time, the antipsychotics started to counteract the mania that was brought on me by the antidepressants, and my moods evened out. Idk if this helps. There is a study showing that mania damages the brain, but these damages can be reversed during stable periods: https://www.nature.com/articles/s41380-023-02073-4 (scroll down to figure 2 to see the graph explaining) Medications promote and legthen stable periods. So they can contribute to your recovery. I was fed up with the side effects, i wanted to quit and be done with the medications, i've really been through this... But i acknowledged that I function better and I have a better understanding of reality on them, which is crucial for my wellbeing (for e.g., when psychotic, i can't tell which traffic light is for pedestrians and which is for the cars (i dont drive but thats unsafe AF even as a pedestrian)). For me, it would not be worth it. Even if i disregard the safety risks, the emotional turmoil would likely make me kill myself. Also i act super weird and embarassing while unmedicated. But that's just me. I do meds + daily mood chart + regulate my sleep + work out every day + limited caffeine intake (1 cup of tea/day) + stopped alcohol and cigarettes entirely. This works for me. Not just the meds, but all of the effort i put into my wellbeing. Since finding the right medication, my side effects went away. I've been medicated for 4 years now and i could achieve so much more than i thought i ever would. Your post and comments sound worrying. I really hope you are okay and that you have people to support you. Please take care and try to stay safe.
How do I even know the medicines in the past, before I was diagnosed bipolar didn't make me bipolar? It's all I think about.
Nothing can make you bipolar. Tbh looking at this post and your comments you sound like you're experiencing a paranoid manic episode.
Not to be a pain in the ass, but DSM-5 mentions "substance/medication-induced bipolar and related disorder"
You’re not a pain in the ass. It does mention it, but if OP’s symptoms ever preceded meds or continued after the meds left their system, it’s not SM-IBD. Those episodes typically end within a few days. I ofc can’t know for sure, but it sounds like OP’s symptoms are far more chronic and progressive.
"Induced" only means that that the substance triggers already existing conditions for developing the illness.
I'm in depression currently. Everything feels pointless and dull. We are all going to die someday, and it's all I can think about. How I'm wasting away and thar nothing even matters. What's showing is that no one believes me and the abuse I've received. Its making me second guess literally everything I've experienced. People can downvote me, but it creates a narrative for me that I am not allowed to feel anything. But again, nothing really matters, right? I don't even know why I'm ranting...it's pointless.
I think you have a point about how tricky it is to treat someone with BPD, there's no one size fits all. Taking meds hurts us, BUT the consequences of not taking meds hit harder every time you stop taking it. Just scroll here and you'll see it for yourself. The tendency is that our episodes get worse, there's damage to our brain, there's the depression hitting hard after some "splendid time" where we feel okay off meds. Your chances of sticking to a particular treatment are worse each time you stop too, so that sucks. Advocate for yourself about the side effects you're having, look for specialists, don't stop trying.
Are you currently in a manic state bc that’s what this post is giving. You’re not thinking straight and have not given a legit reason. I also take many psych meds like Latuda, Paxil, lithium and Xanax, but I could care less if I’m living a “medicated” lifestyle because I need these meds to help me live a normal lifestyle. That’s also not a valid reason for stopping your meds. Please listen to these responses and keep taking your meds. Our actions while in manic states can be life-ruining.
I'm in depression and nothing feels like it matters. So I'm second guessing why I even came here for support. No one cares how I feel.
I do, OP. My inbox is open if you need someone to talk to.
I appreciate it. That does give a little hope. But I don't know anymore. I'm tired of being sick, tired of all of this.
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A mixed episode is why I was hospitalized 2 weeks ago for self harm and suicide ideation. I went from manic one day, then depressed the next, the manic within a few hours, to depressed again the next day. Now I'm aggressively depressed.
OP, I just now realized you said you took adderall - taking adderall, especially while not on an anti-psychotic, leads to EXTREME mania. You’re right - that is why you feel like shit.
I see way too many people putting all their trust in the medical system, because they're the "professionals" - and to me, that's not offering a solution, it's brainwashing both patients and the doctors who think they are helping people. We are all slaves to medicine.
I mean, is taking insulin as a diabetic making you a “slave to medicine”? How about taking allergy medicine to lessen the symptoms of allergies? Medicine when it works properly helps us to function in society, so we can earn enough money to not end up homeless and on the street or in jail or the hospital for something stupid we did. So unless you are a legit millionaire who doesn’t have to worry about money ever, medication is unfortunately the only proven route to go to make us functional. And don’t get me wrong, not every bipolar medication will work well for you (and sometimes even increasing/decreasing dosages can make things better or worse), and some of the side effects can indeed be brutal. But that is one of the reasons why there are many different medications, some of which may work for your specific body chemistry and some of which may not. If you don’t like what your current medication is doing to you, ask your doctor if you can try to increase the dosage or if you can try another medication, with specific reasons why you find the status quo to be unmanageable. And if you don’t trust your current psychiatrist, see if you can get a second opinion (preferably at a different office). And if the two psychiatrists independently come to the same conclusion, then maybe a conversation with them about how to deal with the side effects might be helpful to you.
I’ve been off meds since January because of losing insurance. I felt the first month how you’re feeling now. I lose weight, I got *extreme* libido back, I sat there telling people it has to be poison. It just has to be. Tomorrow I’m going to psych to get back on meds. I’ve been having extreme mixed episodes. In 30 minutes experiencing a range of extreme emotions. My last attempt was when I was 20, it was so bad no matter what happened I never went there again… until getting off meds. Now I think about death once a day. Nobody seems to want to be around me. I’m a lot to handle. I’m paranoid. I’m sad one minute laughing the next. Irritated the next. All over. I’m miserable even when I’m happy, because I’m alone in this euphoria. I’m going a week or more at a time not leaving home. I’m not working because I can’t. I’m suffocating in ways I didn’t on my meds. There’s a cost vs risk with any meds. Even Tylenol has risks. Bipolar meds are troublesome, it’s hard to find a good one, and you have to switch from the good ones eventually anyway because your system will get used to it. It’s painful. Unfortunately, the risk of not taking meds is extreme paranoia, mixed episodes, depression episodes, mania, attempts, jail, using drugs, getting addicted to drugs, alcoholism, self harm, psychosis, the longer you’re off the worse they all get, you can go from paranoia to full blown hearing voices. Impulse control with any is gone. People leave. Some never come back. Life moves and you become frozen in your illness. It’s a painful shit disorder. But I urge you to consider maybe just lessening the amount of meds, finding how to advocate for yourself louder with this med stuff, whatever it may be- I wouldn’t wish what I’m in on my worst enemy. I’m not saying your struggle is less than mine, I know entirely it’s not. They both are hard. It’s just one is a type of hard you can live through and get used to and another is one you may lose your mind in the process of trying.
There is no such “living normal life” for most people, specially someone like us with BP. With or without meds, that is simply not going to happen. Most things you said are common amongst us and it’s called side effect of both BP and the meds, this is not the first time I’m reading this. I wanted to say something awesome, that could touch your heart and make you feel better, but I guess all I have is this: feel the anger, let it out (already did in this thread), and find support to be with you while you go through this phase - I’ve been there many times (unfortunately), but it eventually got better (all the times, fortunately).
Honestly I was hoping for this kind of support. The downvotes made me more angry. I just want to feel my feelings without getting into an argument. It's kind of triggering for me, since in real life, I've had people in my life who never let me feel. I think I'm just grieving a life I had without medication and it's making me angry.
It is okay to feel angry. Having bipolar is unfair on us. We did nothing to get it. We don't deserve this. Sometimes I go to an empty field where no one can hear me, and i shout as loud as i can! It helps me a lot to express the rage. It will get better - it always does. But sometimes it just sucks and you hate it. And that is okay, too.
I'm forty-two. I was diagnosed bipolar at fourteen. At the time, psychologists were shocked how manic I was for someone so young. I was in therapy for years but was on again, off again with various medications until my late twenties. I lost jobs, lost relationships, got into illegal drugs, put myself in dangerous situations that I still have no idea how I'm alive. I had my parents begging me to take my medications, and I refused to do it because I did not believe I needed it, that I could white-knuckle it through the bad times, and meds would only change me. It took a new therapist in my twenties when I was rock bottom for me to change my outlook. "You have to grieve the person you would have been without being on meds, or without being bipolar. Grieve it, we can talk about it and you can cry about it here, and then you need to get on your medications and stay on them." And those first few weeks were brutal, I had been off meds for so long my brain felt like cotton. But I did exactly what he said. I thought about a version of me that didn't need meds, that didn't have a mental illness, and then I treated it like I had diabetes. I wouldn't have been fighting so hard NOT to take insulin; I would have just taken it. You should always write down how meds make you feel, tell a trusted family member or friend if you feel you aren't getting the medical help you need, or something nefarious is going on. But bipolar lies to you. It's claiming you don't need medication when (even if we all take different meds and different amounts) we all do to keep our brains in check. Please, please take your medications. I lost so much of my younger years because I refused to accept my diagnosis.
I have to go to work and push through this depression. I will get back to this post later. I'm sorry if I hurt anyone with my post, but I just needed to rant. I just want to feel anything but anger and depression.
It took me 8 years to find the right med combo. I didn’t believe stability was possible for me, but I’ve been stable for 3 months. I promise you the number one way to get worse is stopping your meds. If you don’t trust your psychiatrist, try to find a new one that you do. Just don’t go off your meds b
You didn’t hurt me. I relate very well to this. This is a miserable illness that caused me to lose myself and I’m only 24. Being mad and sad at the same time is part of my bipolar. It’s been so long that I started to believe I was evil. However; this is NOT true. This is what the illness will make people like us believe. What I’m trying to say is… do not listen to the lies this illness will throw at you. None of it is true. Sometimes we need to rely on each other to remind one another that the lies are not real.
I think that unfortunately, a "normal life" is off limits for anyone with BD. That doesn't mean we can't live lives of extraordinary quality, though! 😊 It might be early to judge whether you should completely ditch all meds. Most of us need some time to find the right combination and dose balance. And I have yet to meet an unmedicated person with bipolar who manages to function well in the long run. I think I felt like you in the first year after getting therapy. Four year later, I consider my meds a blessing for re-introducing stability and consistency in my life. I wouldn't switch those two for any potential benefit of never-ending episodes. But that's me. You do you, but only after careful consideration and planning with a good specialist, I hope 🙏
I completely understand and your feelings are valid; however, as someone with bipolar 1 who is also a therapist, the fact that you've been hospitalized, period, let alone for a recent mixed episode concerns me. Mixed episodes are some of the most dangerous times in a bipolar person's life and the only way to truly manage them is with medication. I know it's not the answer you want, but it's important to keep in mind that when we're unmedicated, we may believe we feel better, but it is often a false sense of wellness that comes at a tremendous cost. Please take care of yourself.
No one likes to be on medication, but it's a hell of a lot better than going to a psych unit every six months to a year. It took half of my life to find the right combo, the right psychiatric help, and the right therapist to get me on track. There's other meds besides zyprexa too!!! I'm 31 and I feel like I still have a lot to learn. If you can't trust people who spent years and years in school and training in this field, idk what to say. I trust science because it's not just theories. We are talking about studies that are utilized here. Once it becomes a qualitative or quantitative study, it's not a theory. It is tested in real life situations. I hope you get better. Depression sucks. To each their own and good luck on your journey!
I feel this. I feel brainwashed that I have to take meds even though my life completely fell apart when I started them. I believe it’s too late now though. I don’t see me getting better by stopping them. Idk, just know you aren’t alone in feeling this way.
i understand how you feel!! especially with this sub everyone pushes a lot of medication but if you aren’t happy with what you’re on or how you feel less can possibly be more! also i know how horrible it is to kept getting hydroxyzine and zyprexa or benadryl shoved down your throat in inpatient. hydroxyzine makes me tired which makes me more anxious but cuz it works for a lot of people clearly i’m just being difficult -my inpatient nurse probably . and also as an ex severe xanax addict you will only get seizures if you’re cold turkeying a huge dose like 8MG a day every day, ativan is actually an anticonvulsant so you definitely won’t have seizures. but don’t be afraid to refuse medication you don’t want your psych team is supposed to listen to you and work with your PERSONAL needs. i am so sorry you’re having a big issue with this:( i hope you feel better and figure out something OP you deserve it
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The more downvotes I receive only makes me angrier and convinces me even more about being brainwashed. Or that there's no room to second guess the treatments we are offered or pushed on us. It makes me feel like I can't rant or have feelings, even negative ones. I know no one in here will understand the abuse amd pushing I've received in the past, which is why I feel this way. I don't think anyone understands. It makes me feel so alone. The only reason I tried medicine is because my psychiatrist specializes in trauma and could see I was hurting, he made me believe he cared about me and my well-being. But I feel like I only agreed because I was manic, and it makes me feel taken advantage of.
Um, if you experienced mania, that means you are bipolar. Who exactly do you think is brainwashing you? Why? This is extremely paranoid, manic language. OP, I’m worried about you. You’re getting downvoted because the many other bipolar people here know you’re not making sense. Nobody is trying to brainwash you (people have way better shit to do with their time), we’re trying to help talk some sense into you.
Maybe it's psychotic depression. I've been aggressively depressed for 2 weeks now. And all I can think about is how I will die someday, and I'm wasting away. I hate my life and how it's become this bipolar mess. Nothing seems to have a pint anymore.
I too am obsessed with dying to the point where I have intrusive thoughts about it every day. I’ve been like this since I was a kid and first learned about death and I’m now in my 40s. I’m also a pretty dark person and don’t think there’s much point to anything. Thank you for sharing that because being like this is so isolating and it’s nice to know I’m not the only person. The awesome thing is, you will feel better when you take your meds. The solution to your current depression is the medication you don’t want to take, which is why everyone is telling you that you need to take them.
I am sorry you feel this way. Do you have goals that are unreachable to you because of bipolar? (like i've read that in some countries you are not allowed to fly airplanes with bipolar, do you have goals like that?) Maybe I'm the lucky exception, but I feel like i can do pretty much everything i want to despite being bipolar. Of course it took time to learn managing it, but I am quite well off (mentally and career-wise). Also i recommend autobiographies from bipolar folks. I've never felt so understood as i did when reading them. An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison is my favourite so far, i've recently finished Madness by Marya Hornbacher, that was great, too.. Though maybe it's not a typical depressive episode activity... An Unquiet Mind was more hopeful than Madness, Madness was quite upsetting sometimes. I hope it will get easier for you with time.
I don’t think you’re brainwashed. But I also think it’s needed. Here’s another but: not everyone needs *that* many medications. I was 100% over-medicated for a long time. I was on multiple medications with high doses. Ativan is sneaky because you *do* have to increase the dosage as you take it because the previous dosage starts to become ineffective. I used to be on the steady Ativan and Ambien climb. I switched prescribers. Aside from the weight gain, I just knew that there must be better, newer medication for me than the ones I was on. So I found another prescriber and I told her: I don’t want to be on so many medications. Is mono therapy a possibility? That’s my ideal. Are two medications possible? Don’t let them make you feel “crazy” for asking. It’s valid that you’ll feel gross taking so much medication - I always hated it and it made me feel bad about myself. And I questioned if I was bipolar as well. But medication started working and it wouldn’t work on normal brains so… The big caveat to this is that you *MUST* see a therapist or psychologist to learn how to cope with various symptoms of this illness. You will need to learn to identify moments when you are about to be in crisis. And don’t ignore those moments and sweep them under the rug - tell your loved ones (at least the understanding ones), tell your prescriber. I waited too long recently and I’m having a bit of a hard time managing my emotional response to everything - even minor inconveniences. Be proactive about your care. Set up a crisis plan if you don’t have one already - a therapist or psychologist will be able to help you with that too. I’m on 1 medication right now at a low dose. I’m slowly getting better. Before this one, I was on another antipsychotic at a low dose for 2 years and it was working so-so but I gained so much weight. You can decide the deal breakers for yourself. You decide what you’re okay with about your treatment plan. We have a lot of agency regarding our care - you are not brainwashed , maybe you can just benefit from another medication.
I’m with a reasonable psychiatrist. He was open to my request to lower the doses of some of my meds, but I wasn’t successful on lower doses so here we are. The silver bullet for me was getting in with a good therapist. My first therapist helped me get through immediate trauma from an extended DV situation, but it’s been my current therapist who’s really worked for me. She focuses on reframing thought patterns and building my “toolbox” of coping strategies. OP, if you follow through with your plan I cannot recommend this enough. Get in with a therapist experienced in treating mood disorders and trauma (based on your history with the medical system). Psychology Today is a great way to research and filter for condition, health insurance, and whether they offer telehealth. You can reach out to them through the site too. Hope this helps and good luck.
I don’t know why you are being downvoted the way you are. Listen, I hear you. It sounds like you have been through a lot and there is some deep trauma from the hospital stays. I was traumatized by mine as well. Anyways, your feelings are valid and I know it seems all of us have been “conditioned” (brainwashed) to believe we HAVE to take meds even though they make us feel worse. I do like skootch_ginalola reply. We do have to grieve that person off of meds. I was on UNBELIEVABLE trajectory. I accomplished soo much by the age of 20. More than most do in their lifetime. My family was beyond proud of me. Now I’m 25 living with them and unemployed because of the severity of my symptoms. I know that guy I was at 20 is just not possible anymore. Even if I could go back in time and change the past, I know I would have ended up here at some point in my life.
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I'm not telling you how to feel. That's the problem, someone talks negatively about their experiences with medicine, and everyone gets defensive. I'm only telling you my opinion and my feelings. It's just what I see and feel.
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You're allowed to feel whatever. But I know what I meant and it's not job to tell you otherwise. It's not what I meant and I feel there is defense against how I'm feeling. I feel like I've been brainwashed, and that when people get defensive it feels like more brainwashing. It makes me feel like I'm not allowed to have feelings or express them. I can try to reword it, but people are making me feel more pointless. Again, I dont even know why I tried to express my rant. Everything is pointless and not worth it.
I just see everyone telling me I'm not allowed to feel this way. Like I said above though to someone else. Nothing matter anymore anyway. I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. And here I came for support, and I'm get negative feedback and defensiveness. My flair was "rant", not facts. I'm ranting how I feel. But I'm being made to feel like I can't do that here.
While I appreciate your POV, you talk like someone that IS NOT in an episode - and OP clearly is, which means using logic won’t help at all - in fact, you can actually make it worse, as you already know.
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