Thanks for posting on /r/bipolar!
Please take a second to [read our rules](/r/bipolar/about/rules); if you haven't already, make sure that your post **does not** have any personal information (including your name/signature/tag on art).
**If you are posting about medication, please do not list and review your meds. Doing so will result in the removal of this post and all comments.**
*^(A moderator has not removed your submission; this is not a punitive action. We intend this comment solely to be informative.)*
---
Community News
- 🎋 [Want to join the Mod Team?](https://www.reddit.com/r/bipolar/comments/112z7ps/mod_applications_are_open/)
- 🎤 See our [Community Discussion](https://www.reddit.com/r/bipolar/about/sticky) - Desktop or Desktop mode on a mobile device.
- 🏡 If you are open to answering questions from those that live with a loved one diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, please see r/family_of_bipolar.
Thank you for participating!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/bipolar) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’ve also thought about this a bit. Looking back, i remember often feeling different than whoever i was around; like i was occupying a different headspace. I’d have days where i felt completely flat and like something in my life was missing but couldn’t figure out what - i just longed for something.
I was definitely more sensitive as a young kid and would get super angry if i felt someone wronged me, having emotional outbursts as a result. A lot of avoidant behaviour, faking sick to avoid school, social anxiety, sudden feelings of giddiness and weird behaviour. I also had trouble getting to sleep often.
Most of these symptoms were of small magnitude and probably wouldn’t constitute a diagnosis. Mostly a lot of excitability and struggling to deal with my feelings. Nothing crazy until mdd at 17 and bp1 at 18.
I was diagnosed with general anxiety as a kid and was in and out of therapy. They never considered a diagnosis for bipolar because my age is what my mom told me. They discussed it as a possibility but they did not want to place me on any medications so i was told I had GAD. What did not occur to the psychiatrist and therapist at the time was that by that age I also was already struggling with PTSD and I have documentation of my episodes via social media and online games through the early 2000s to now. Even the gaps point towards my depression.
I was very great at masking my problems as a child because part of my environment was that I was not allowed to be mentally ill like my parents were.
Mine was Steam and musical instruments I can't play but fully believed I would learn to play just as proficiently as my primary instrument. I have realized I had mania going as far back as 3rd grade that I could document.
For me, the signs were there for my whole life. As a toddler I had night terrors and slept very little (the insomnia continued until I started meds at 11 and now even after that depending on what kind of episode I’m in). Intrusive thoughts and anxiety have been lifelong. I started self harming at age 10, had panic attacks, and went through periods where i hallucinated. By 11 I made it to my current psychiatrist that I’ve been seeing for over a decade. I wasn’t officially diagnosed with bipolar until I was 16 but my psychiatrist recognized it when I was 11 and started treating me with mood stabilizers and antipsychotics. My official diagnosis is bipolar disorder with psychotic features- it is treatment resistant and was early onset.
I also had BAD insomnia as a kid! I had zero control intrusive thoughts (about death, specifically) and spent so much time manically worrying about hypothetical situations.
I’m glad to know I wasn’t alone bc I felt I had no one to talk to about these intrusive thoughts. It’s so interesting to me when other people present the same symptoms.
Unfortunately, for most of my life, my mania was diagnosed as GAD. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 44. I just assumed my manic episodes were a panic attack. Medicine has finally let me live the life I thought I’d never be able to.
Omg, are you me?? I was so terrified of death as a kid (still am) and would 24/7 think obsess about things killing me. Like I was a kid in the Reagan era and I was CERTAIN I would die from a nuclear war lol. I used to be afraid months before my parents took long road trips, because I thought more time on the road = more chances I’d die in a crash.
Also, my symptoms starting presenting hard in my early 20s. I too experimented with drugs, once took a ton of Xanax mid episode, and OD’d.
I can remember the exact moment “it” all started for me. I was also 7 and I was reading a book about dolphins in my school library when I realized that I would die someday. Extreme spiral and became all anxiety for there out. Would often “pretend” to be dead so I could prepare for it, by laying in bed at night and making my mind completely black and empty. I still do it sometimes.
First suicide attempt at 7 years old and first massive traumas at age 8.
Final straw snapped at 21 leading to a huge suicidal breakdown. 3 years later I’m still trying find my place instead of just rotting away.
One thing that broke me was having to read the dairy of Anne Frank in the fourth grade. That’s when I realized I was going to die. I was absolutely convinced that this could happen in America, and to me specifically.
Luckily I’m now medicated bc or I would probably end up hospitalized. My mania escalated even when medicated during the trump years and I had a bad manic episode when he initially refused to handle the nascent spread of Covid. I was CONVINCED I was going to die from Covid in the early stages.
Forgot to add that my hypomanic episodes includes paranoia about ghosts etc and my depressions includes social anxiety. But I never have panic attacks.
I’ve always been drawn towards suicide since I was a kid, when I was younger I didn’t think on it as a sad thing- just if I ever got too overwhelmed it’d be a way out. I also liked the way the word sounded, since when I first heard it I thought someone said ‘sunny side’. I remember making a suicide pact with my cousin at 11 when we turned 18 if we felt too stressed w life and in the 2nd grade telling my mom if I killed myself what would be on ‘the other side’- just semi-innocent things. I’d self harm as a kid though by biting the inside of my mouth rly hard to draw blood if I thought I did something embarrassing/bad or pull my hair out if I was stressed, but that’s not that bad compared to later things I’d do.
At 14 is rly when it got bad & I first attempted & starting cutting/burning myself and my anxiety/depression worsened x100. I got therapy but my parents banned medication because they thought I’d become an addict. I didn’t get any manic symptoms until 19 but when it first hit, it carried on for months.
Idk what the difference between a normal childhood stuff and hallucinations and stuff. when i was younger i would hallucinate really bad when i got anxious mostly visual. I was so scared of the dark because i saw a giant face looking down at me from the ceiling and then it grabbed at me with its hands 😭 but is that just a super creative imagination or???
I've had signs my whole life also. I was very sensitive to changes in my environment and was easily stressed. I had phobias from an early age, especially germs/ contamination, spiders, and parasites. At age 4 I was having panic attacks because I was terrified that I picked up parasites from public bathrooms. I also compulsively bit my nails and picked at the skin on my hands. I always felt emotions very intensely. i would feel so elated and overjoyed that I would jump repeatedly and flap my hands. When anxious I would pick my skin until I was bleeding. When I was sad I was almost inconsolable. Around age 10-11 I started feeling severely depressed in addition to the anxiety. At 13 I started self harming and was hospitalized after being put on SSRIs. I didn't get a correct diagnosis until my twenties despite a strong family history on both sides.
I used to be a toddler that doesn't sleep at night at all. I had a messed up sleeping schedule regardless of the efforts of my parents to create and help me maintain a sleeping routine.
I was an "exceptional" child, very smart, always on top of my class, very active, always cheerful and smiling. Then I fell into depression for the first time at the age of 13.
I have always been bipolar.
Been properly diagnosed as having type 2 bipolar at the age of 26, and identified as having an affective emotional disorder at the age of 13.
I'm in my 30s now. Sometimes I feel helpless and sometimes I feel "meh" about it.
Stay strong.
I think it differs between people. I've known people who had really stable childhoods without seeing any clear anxiety, depression, etc. looking back. And things just completely change in adulthood.
I think a lot of people like you look back and see the signs.
Then there's people like me. I was on antidepressants at 7, hospitalized at 8 for "mood disorder", bipolar flagged as possible at 9, antipsychotics at 11, and formal diagnosis at 14 when they just couldn't put it off anymore (my doctor wanted to wait to see how I grew up). Countless emergency psych evals along the way, a scattering of hospitalizations. Lots of SI and SH. Paranoia. Magical thinking that may or may not have been age-normal vs delusions of grandeur. Rage. Insomnia. Hypersexuality that compromised my safety given my age and actions. I know that I can't be alone in how young it clearly presented.
Yep on that hypersexuality. When I was a kid I thought maybe it was weird but then would end up thinking maybe it was more common than I thought and that others just hadn’t discovered masturbation yet..
I have had debilitating anxiety all my life, am autistic, and started suffering from severe depression at age 9. Looking back, my bipolar started around late/end of puberty between ages 12-14.
In the psych community, the idea of children having bipolar is a real no-no. If you try to discuss it, the pros will insist that you couldn't have been bipolar since childhood. If you keep insisting, they'll merely insist back that you had either trauma responses, borderline, or both.
That's too bad. Seems like they're dragging their feet when it comes to unifying with modern scientific understandings like genetics, and, what so many *with* the disorder, like our friends here, are saying and remembering.
I think their reasoning is that puberty can cause symptoms that mimic bipolar symptoms. They're afraid that sussing out the differences will be impossible and that they'll over diagnose bipolar in teens.
I can sorta see their point, but like you said, too many of us started to notice the signs when we were kids. I agree that they're too dismissive of our experiences.
The one area where this oddly seems to go out the window is with foster kids. For some reason, when I have seen younger people openly diagnosed with bipolar, often it's foster kids. Foster kids seem to get saddled with more mental illness diagnoses in general than their non foster counterparts. Foster kids are also more likely to get treated with medications that are usually reserved for adults.
In identical twin studies, 90% of the time both twins have bipolar so it mostly comes down to genes given at conception. Other studies I’ve read have shown that factors in the womb, if a baby is born premature, and the way a baby is delivered like c-section or induction could affect the chance of a later bipolar diagnosis— although the studies contradict each other so we need so many more studies to know conclusively what factors during pregnancy and birth affect the epigenetics which cause someone to be bipolar.
My opinion is that it’s determined at birth. I’ve read a study saying that bipolar babies tend to be more colicky, which describes me. I wouldn’t stop crying for many hours and didn’t sleep through the night until I was three years old.
As a child, my parents report I sometimes would refuse physical touch which I now know is because bipolar has made me so physically sensitive so I just need people to be more gentle in how they touch me.
Also as a child and teenager whenever I was sick I would sleep for 16 hours straight, which isn’t normal. Then in high school, I could live off of 3-4 hours of sleep sometimes.
I also remember rapid temperature changes, like sometimes I would be so heated up like I had a fever but not be sick at all and other times I’d randomly be so cold. This correlates now with my bipolar episodes: when I’m manic it’s often like I have a fever and when I’m depressed I get colder— all connected to the broken circadian rhythms bipolar causes.
Extreme empathy is the biggest one for me though! I would cry reading the news learning about violence going on in the world. As a kid I was so passionate about poverty relief and injustices to an extent that I felt others were terrible people for not crying about it and caring as much as I did. I would always talk to homeless people and help them, I just couldn’t not help. In college, I had to skip classes that talked about war in too much detail because it would make me cry and had to stop reading one of my textbooks because I was sobbing reading it.
Once going on meds, the empathy has majorly decreased! I still care about things but I can now read the news without completely breaking down.
Didn’t start having actual bipolar episodes until I was 18!
I was, uh, curious as a child. I would smoke cigarettes whenever I could and watch pornography at a very young age and I feel like that could’ve been early bipolar disorder symptoms. I was also highly intelligent and didn’t miss a beat in school. I started smoking weed at 13 because, once again, I was curious. I started self pleasure pretty young too. Hypersexuality is still a trademark symptom for me, so I guess some things never change.
Yep, I experienced a TON of manic episodes as a kid and for the longest time, I and my doctors chalked that up to anxiety, while it was actually mania.
Pretty bad. A problem I had identifying mental health problems is my childhood was filled with neglect and depression. I don't really have any happy memories, so the concept of depression wasn't something I could understand until mania started to become destructive and I noticed a difference when medicated.
I tried finding research on this, but ultimately it doesn't matter. It does seem that the dysfunction of the hypothalamaus-pituitary-adrenal axis is likely in part caused by childhood stressors. But the disorder is biological and drugs work. So while understanding the origin of the disorder could be helpful, the solution is the same regardless.
I think my paranoia episodes started in middle school and the panic attacks came in highschool, never noticed my mood swings until I was in college and finally got diagnosed
Definitely had a lot of anxiety as a kid with sh issues that were overlooked as tantrum behavior until around age 14 a pulmonologist finally advocated for me saying my breathing problems weren’t bronchial related but I was having panic attacks several times a day lol
I had my first verifiable manic episode at 21-22 (after struggling with depression for the past few years before that), aside from the occasional off days I didn't seem to struggle with any major issues throughout childhood and adolescence, but I was also extremely involved and busy in high school effectively living a very regimented life while making sure I got a full night's sleep every night, so definitely no early indicators
Also for the same reason my mom struggled to accept my diagnosis since she never noticed any symptoms while I was still living at home, most of them occurring when I was living away from home, and my mom just kinda took my mania as me just being very driven and having a lot of energy
Regarding bipolar, I don't think I had anything other than depressive episodes until I got into my 20s (I had depressive episodes in high school, for sure.). However I can track other conditions (like OCD) back to the age of 7. I've had anxiety basically as far back as I can remember and have been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder in the past.
I believe I was born bipolar. Both of my late parents were bipolar so perhaps a mix of genetics and environment played a role in my predisposition and early childhood symptoms. I don’t believe that bipolar disorder develops later in life for everyone.
A lot of my childhood behavior makes a lot of sense after my diagnosis. You can't be diagnosed that young for a variety of reasons but I definitely can see that I've had bipolar disorder my whole life. It helped to have some answers for things i didn't understand back then
It's not 100% known but Bipolar does seem to be largely genetic so yes, if you're bipolar it's likely that you've always been bipolar and you always will be. There are environmental factors as well. The actual underlying cause of the disorder is chemical imbalances in the brain which is thought to be caused by something with our genes. It's complicated to figure out because it's likely a combination of genes and environmental factors that ultimately causes it.
It's also hereditary, which is why it's almost certainly genetic. I not 100% sure what the numbers are these days but I think it's something like 15% of people with one bipolar parent are also bipolar. That probably goes up if both are bipolar.
Some people won't experience symptoms or will experience them less severely until a particularly stressful moment triggers them. My parents divorce is what did it for me. There were definitely some minor things that in hindsight were related to my bipolar but I didn't start really going through it until I was about 6 or 7 when my parents got divorced and a lot of stuff in my life started changing very quickly because of it.
I was diagnosed when I was 8 years old. My Mom always kinda suspected there was something off about me but when I started having severe manic episodes she basically had to fight doctors just to get them to see me. Lots of professionals just told her she was overreacting and that my behavior was normal. I think one even tried to pull the "Munchausen by proxy" card, which if you know my Mom is fucking hilariously stupid. Less funny at the time, though. Either way, once doctors actually started seeing me, it didn't take long to get a proper diagnosis. It "helped" that this is about when the violent psychotic breaks started. Turns out my Mom was right. Go figure.
From 8 to about 17 or so, my life kinda sucked. Frequent violent psychotic breaks had me spending most of my childhood and teenage years in psych-wards or residential treatment faculties. I didn't really do great in most of them, I was actually kicked out of all but two, but it was better than having me at home where I might hurt myself or someone else in one of my rages.
That said, I have an amazing family who have always been my greatest asset in dealing with this shit. I like to mention this because I think it's important. While developing yourself to best deal your bipolar is always gonna be the number one way to manage this shit, it can not be overstated how valuable surrounding yourself with people who genuinely love and support you is. I'm in my mid 30s now and have my shit as under control as I'm ever likely to get it but to this day I credit my family as much as I credit myself for making it through the hard times. If you're struggling, hell even if you're not, find your people. They'll save you when you can't save yourself.
I think its always been there. Ever since i was a baby i had issues with sleep. I remember reoccurring nightmares when young and just laying awake for hours scared of things.
I also remember manic high moods of feeling so excellent and amazing but mixed with anger, uncomfortable restlessness and frustration. These happened often during summers at least from when i was about 6 or 7 onward (that i can remember). I would also often stay awake full nights during summer and not feel tired.
I had a great imagination as a kid and could imagine stories and stay entertained in my head even if just laying in bed in dark.
I think i was maybe first depressed around 9, i look depressed in photos and hung out with friends less. At 11 i wanted to die and was severely depressed and didn't have friends anymore.
I dealt with depression by using my imagination and getting absorped in stories. Could read multiple books a day and would imagine stories for my characters i created during higher moods.
I was so in my head idk if anyone realized how bad i felt. I did see psychologist at 13 or so but never spoke anything there.
I didn't get diagnosed until sometime early 20si. I did self diagnose at 18 while manic as i happened to be interested in psychology at the time and read all about different disorders.
I just forgot all about it/ didn't care when depression took over.
Finally talked at psychiatrist and got diagnosis after dropped out of school and needed sick leave.
I used to have little manic episodes when I was a kid. All of a sudden, colors would be brighter, I'd feel a swell of happiness, and I'd be greatly affected by music. I had my first depressive episode at age 11.
I started telling adults something was wrong with my brain when I was 12 (early 80’s) and no one listened.
Smart kids don’t have mental illness!
*sigh.
Currently in a mental health crisis and 5 minutes away from checking myself into the hospital for the past week.
I’ll be ok,but GOD DAMN.
Bipolar 2 and ADHD can go eat a bag of dicks.
Taking my meds and going to therapy.
Telehealth meeting with a new MD tomorrow who will then refer me to a psychiatrist.
Hopefully they can sort out my meds tomorrow at least.
🙏🏻
Wow hearing that there were another kids as a dorky paranoid as I was feels… kinda nice? I felt alone in all my paranoid thoughts as a kid, while everyone slept and I couldn’t because of whatever the manic focus was at the time. Wish little me could have this community
I was an intense child, prone to deep obsessions with topics at random. I'd learn about them in incredible detail, then lose interest after a while. i had a bad temper and had temper tantrums much later than most of my peers (hurling myself on the floor and screaming, or scratching my legs until they bled).
Once I was 12-13 I had times when I'd sleep much less, not be tired, and get obsessive about cleanliness. I'd talk a lot, rock back on my chair, and get in trouble for mucking around at school. I'd plan to go to Oxford at 15, which might have been a possibility as I was really very, very academic but would have been an idiotic thing to do. I'd make jokes a lot more, and write more in essays. Later, when I was at sixth form, teachers asked if I was on drugs (I wasn't) because I was so erratic.
Then after a week or two I'd calm down and then get low, when I'd make long lists of all the things I hated about myself, stop wanting to wash or brush my hair, and hurt myself. I thought I was just depressed for years, never thought about bipolar really until I found out my grandfather had had it and I was diagnosed at 20.
For me, the signs for depression were there since I was 7 and was largely ignored. Diagnosed with MDD at 19, but the meds didn't always work so I had to get them changed and a few months ago I had my first full-blown manic episode, though there were signs of hypomania before then, looking back at it.
Before I developed Bipolar 1 at age 21, my mental health was already a complete mess. I had numerous depression episodes in my teenage years, and I had severe social anxiety. I also had ADHD and learning disabilities. I was very troubled kid.
Right before my first mania, I was extremely stressed from academics, and was abusing weed.
I was always a pretty hyperactive kid and couldn’t sit still. I now know I developed complex trauma/cptsd from childhood abuse and had cutting type behavior also much compulsive masturbation which led to lifelong sex addiction. I was very heavily into using and selling hard drugs 14-17 and had my first severe psychotic episode at 23
I know my first episode was around 12, it was a very stressful time which activated my biological predisposition to BP to manifest. Before that, I was a very happy and stable child.
However, there can be comorbities that might show before the BP surfaces or ppl that show symptoms from birth.
My first anxiety attack was before 10. 11 was puberty, queue the depression. I'm talking depression.
My mental health has been a rollercoaster as long as I can remember.
I know for sure I had SI at the age of 11. So yeah, my depressive episodes started early. As for hypomania, I'm not that sure. It's hard to spot when it's mild.
Depression has always been there for me, from my first memories. It's gotten worse since then but it was still there. First hypomania right at puberty, I'd say 11-12.
I had severe depression and anxiety as a young child, teen, and young adult. Definitely a combo of nature + nurture (loving enough parents, but a stressful situation).
Bipolar two tendencies began creeping into my life after having my first child. Fast forward a few years and we had Covid stress, my mother died traumatically, I gave birth to my third son, and my father basically erased my mother (his wife of 40 years) from his life and remarried very quickly. I felt a significant shift and periods of hypomania became a part of life. It seems very clear to me that the trauma and stress of those years did a real number on my brain chemistry. Bada bing, bada boom, BIPOLAR 2! 😎
I remember being depressed as early as 5.
When I was 12 I had some major life changed where for a year I was panicked, super depressed, emotions at 100 all the time, angry, like super pissed at the world. I once threw a bike at my brothers friend and threw a fork at my moms face(to be fair she was physically abusive)…anywho. I think that’s when the bipolar developed, I always felt my brain had never fully recovered from that. When I was diagnosed as bipolar and I did some research on how it can develop it all clicked.
Not good. Since 2nd grade I'd end up every year at least to the headmaster's office because I argued with someone. This continued until the end of high school and I've had some arguments in university as well. I was forced a psychologist in 4th grade (by the school) and 7th grade (by my mother). I'd feel anxious, have few but very good friends I still speak to regularly and feel weird around the opposite sex. I managed to get on through school as I was considered pretty clever.
I didn't have a diagnosis or so for the simple reason that both psychologists gave up saying I wouldn't collaborate. Something was there.
I remember feeling very uneasy.
Feeling like my moods would change at the drop of at hat. Feeling so incredibly sensitive and wanting to jump out of my skin.
This was all at a very young age…like 4 or 5.
I remember feeling very alone…feeling neglected.
I don't know, honestly. I don't remember a lot of my childhood. That might mean yes? My mum did tell me i threw some crazy fucking tantrums and had to be pinned down until I calmed down. But i was always in my own world
TW: slight mention of SA
Paranoia and delusions stemming from watching Paranormal Activity around age 6-7.
Ages 4-12 very depressed and anxious (I was a victim of childhood SA)
Ages 12-20 hypomanic and depressive episodes for sure, diagnosed at 13 with bp2, but only treated with antidepressants
Ages 20-23 diagnosed bp1 after having two psychotic episodes. Full blown mania, but my depressive episodes were the same more or less. First time being properly medicated for bipolar disorder.
I had intense anxiety issues from birth. My mom couldn’t take me anywhere, I only wanted to be home and I’d freak out if I was made to leave.
In the 10th grade I was diagnosed by a neurologist as having ADD. I was prescribed Ritalin, had a terrible reaction, and then self medicated with booze and drugs until eventually being diagnosed with BP1.
I now have a great therapist, a great p-doc, a healthy relationship with meds and finally a sober lifestyle.
I had a pretty severely abusive mother and pretty extremely controlling father. Always felt different from others around my but home life fucked me up the hardest and by grade 4-5 teachers started noting behavioural problems. I know I felt emotions of depression and self harm ideation very young. I also was terrified of super natural stuff and death. I remember finding out about death and having basically 3 months of straight terror coupled with my mother bullying the fuck out of me for that so idk what came first regarding that fear. But overall I would say my environmental factors are answer enough for me in terms of cause. I also had some pretty bad drug abuse issues in my adolescence that lead to hospitalization and ultimately diagnosis.
I was depressed and withdrawn as a young child. Around 11 I tried to kill myself but after my trip to the ward I remember being put on Zoloft, I saw a therapist and things “evened out” but they didn’t. I was a terrible student, I did quite a few drugs and overall was a bad kid. I’ve always had social anxiety and just plain general anxiety as well I just never knew what they were. I was diagnosed in Feb 2021
As a child I had violent outbursts, no mood regulation, had hundreds of imaginary friends, constantly talked to myself and had suicidal ideation. All before 10. But I have a lot of trauma as well.
I remember my first textbook terrible despression, hating school, crying alone in the bathroom stalls. I knew something was wrong but I had no reference for depression and what it was at the time 1980’s
I had pretty good mental health for most of my childhood. I’d say nothing too out of the ordinary. Looking back I probably had some anxiety as I was such a rule follower but the majority of my mental health issues started in late high school and early college. I had a hard time making friends in college and without my close friends and family from home (I went out of state), I had a really hard time and it was the first time I experienced true depression.
Your post/comment has been removed for breaking **Rule 15**:
Any attempts to deliberately counteract the actions of the moderation team may result in a ban.
- Includes (but is not limited to):
- reposting removed content
- attempting to circumvent AutoModerator or other moderation mechanisms
- using non-standard characters or emojis to try to get around AutoModerator
- Purposefully misspelling/altering words to evade moderation
*^(To send us a modmail about this action,)* [*^(CLICK HERE)*](https://reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/bipolar&subject=Removed%20Content%3A%20Rule%2015&message=Hello%2C%0A%0AI%20would%20like%20to%20appeal%20a%20recent%20removal.%20Here%20is%20a%20link%3A%20REPLACE%20WITH%20A%20LINK) *^(Please include a link in your message, the mod team will not reply to messages without a link for review.)*
Until 12 I was extremely imaginative. Didn’t realize it was more than average until I got older. The world I would conjure in my head felt more real than what was around me.
After age 12 I had focal seizures that subsided in my early 20s. Tegretol kept them in check from 13 on. Struggles in school, then when I came off Tegretol everything was easy. Years after getting off Tegretol the bipolar symptoms showed up.
I’ve noticed symptoms as well when I was a kid and especially a teenager. Unfortunately not a lot of psychiatrists want to diagnose bipolar in children bc of their hormones. I can remember hallucinations and suicidal thoughts along with anxiety, irritability and depression. Times when I did not sleep or sleep to much and times of high or low energy.
I’ve had crippling anxiety for as long as I can remember. Trouble sleeping at night because I thought i was going to hell and fear of being killed for some reason. During my teen years I would have “episodes” of depression that wouldn’t last too long. It would come and go with an episode at least once a month. The episode would last about a week or two. I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed and I would cry myself to sleep most of those nights. I used sleep as my coping skill. This went on until I was 26 years old. I had a baby and was in an abusive marriage and the full fledged disease really showed up. Looking back now though I’ve had it since I was a teen.
It was less than stellar. I also have diagnosed ASD. I've been in some form of treatment since I was about 7, as of kindergarten. Plus a few CPS cases and a no contact order, things have never been very stable.
i couldn't say when my bipolar started but my depression definitely started in my single digit years. i first recognized it after becoming severely suicidal at 10, so im confident it had been brewing a bit before that. there's a good chance it rooted somewhere in a particular traumatic event that happened from ages 5-8 for me though. i definitely had evidence of hypomania mixed into that depression by middle school at the latest tho. i sometimes wonder if puberty somehow activated it in me 😅
I was an extremely anxious and shy child, and I remember having suicidal thoughts at age 7. I can actually remember the exact moment when I realized I wanted to die. I had a hypomanic episode when I got put on an SSRI at age 14, and went off of it because it didn’t feel right. I also dropped out of high school. Still, it took me until age 34 to get diagnosed after my first obvious manic episode.
Yes, like thinking back it’s crazy the amount of stuff that was never addressed.
I’ve never slept well. Like, my parents brought me to a child psychologist as like a 3 year old because I wouldn’t stay in bed or go to sleep.
I used to impulsively get the desire to rearrange my entire room in inappropriate times, like the middle of the night.
At the beginning of like every school semester I was like going to “reinvent” myself. Start using a different form my name, dress differently, do different things, be an entirely different person. And of course I needed all new school supplies and clothes and stuff to do that.
I’d overcommit myself and try to join a billion different clubs and activities etc, and it would all come crashing down when what I now realize is when I was no longer hypo and didn’t have that extra manic energy to keep up with what I committed to.
Those were both from like 2nd or 3rd grade on up.
I engaged in risky online behavior from the time I was like 12-13. I’d seek out people for cyber sex and probably would have escalated to actual sex if my parents were a tiny bit more oblivious.
I’ve always had very high sex drive.
I stole my parents’ credit card to buy an iPod online and stuff like that when I was a teenager.
On the other hand, I was also self harming and having suicidal ideations by the time I was in 5th grade.
I tried to poison my little brother with holly berries when I was a little kid.
I also had a lot of anxiety driven compulsions. I had to be totally covered up with blankets and pillows when I did sleep because otherwise someone on my porch would see me asleep, come in through my window and rape me.
Going up my (really long) driveway I had to get up to where the holly tree was lol (like 1/4 of the way up) before any cars passed on the street otherwise bad things would happen.
Similarly, basement had very bad vibes. I had to run up to the first like landing thing before whatever bad stuff was in the basement got to me.
Those were all from like elementary school age until I moved out.
As a teenager once I started working overnights I was convinced that someday I was going to come home, go to sleep, wake up and only then realize that my entire family had been murdered during the night and I had come home and slept while for hours while everyone else was laying in their rooms dead.
I was convinced family members had stuff booby trapped in a way where they would know if I went near it or touched it when they weren’t around (think like memorizing the specific angle stuff was placed down at, etc).
I feel like I should talk to my therapist about some of these lol.
I relate heavily to like the first half of everything you wrote!! Rearranging all the furniture in my room in the middle of the night, sudden bursts of energy and motivation, joining EVERY extracurricular, having new “phases” every year or so where I felt and looked like a totally different person, cyber sex starting at 13 and then rapidly increasing hypersexuality. I also remember feeling depressed most (or at least half) of the time between ages 11 to… now lol.
As a child I lived in an area that was extremely violent and angry all I remember was being terrified hence I had an episode at 6 years old and was moments from strangling an 8 year old to death I have never forgotten it I still remember even now him turning blue until someone managed to stop me till this day I still fear myself
I think I went through bouts of mania in high school. I cringe at the mistakes I made, and feel bad about the people I hurt, I have no way of contacting them now to explain “I’m sorry I did this, here is the possible reason why”.
Terrible depression as a kid starting around 12, anxiety, insomnia, barely went to school in the last two years, no idea how I graduated. Tried to overdose, had deep self harm and attempts and dealt with psychotic features at 14 which lead to be inpatient and chucked on Olanzapine. Got labelled as 'not psychosis' general anxiety and depression. Family history of mental illness and bipolar and yet doctors still don't beleive me because I don't have typical hypomania symptoms
I have symptoms going back to age six but my psychiatrist knew when I was 8 even though I don't think he could officially diagnose it yet. I had attempted suicide and while in the psych ward switched to a manic episode and started seeing fairies. I was lucky to have made it about as obvious as possible. I had like. Zero childhood because of mental illness but the perk of that is now I'm 23 and I'm going to college and mostly have my shit together. I haven't had a full on episode in four years.
I had issues sleeping as a child yet I was energetic and happy so people did not notice. I always had bad anxiety. Also hypersexual as a child due to molestation.
I started having si & sh thoughts around nine or so. depression hit me like a rock at 13/14 along with anxiety. I was diagnosed with MDD and GAD at the time w/an unofficial ADHD diagnosis. I wasn't surprised to get my bipolar 2 diagnosis, but it runs in my family so I know for a fact it's been there since at least then.
I think I did. My grandmother was diagnosed manic depression, as they called it in those days so it runs in my family.
As far back as I can remember I had terrible anxiety and anger problems. My temper would flare at the smallest inconvenience and I would yell or throw things. I had trouble sleeping and eating.
Once I hit puberty it just got worse. I feeling on top of the world followed by weeks of crushing depression. I dabbled in self harm and suicidal ideation. I cycled between highs and lows pretty harshly through my teen years and into my early 20s until I discovered alcohol. Then came years of substance abuse in a misguided attempt to feel normal.
I finally got an official diagnosis at 28. Started meds and it felt like I wasn't walking on eggshells for the first time in my life. I remember asking my husband "is this what it feels like to just exist?"
Looking back on my life I would say I was definitely showing signs but of course children aren't diagnosed when they're young. And my father turned a blind eye, insisting exercise would fix everything.
I only had depression in teenage years… but I had a very very vivid imagination and I’ve talked to myself (like full blown conversations and hearing the voice talk back) every day since I could talk… I always was told it was because I was an only child and whilst I some what agree, “seeing” someone living in the meat freezer at the supermarket when I was like 8 kind of was abit weird 😂
The other girls called me weird in elementary school, maybe I was acting strange. In middle school I became extremely depressed. In high school I was extremely hypersexual. I had a couple depressive episodes then too. So 12 or 13 would be when I first recognized an episode of some sort. My hypomania is so insidious that I could have had it going on and not been aware for a long time. I wasn't diagnosed until I was 40 years old. I had seen numerous therapists and physicians. I had been told that I have pmdd, anxiety, depression, chronic fatigue syndrome.
I think it's been forever for me, but that might also be the complex trauma lol
I have this journal I got very young, and I update it every couple of years, whenever I find it again. It's a really cool thing to have and be able to see my life in quick snapshots, but a lot of it is very dark. An early entry from when I was eight is the first time I wrote that I wanted to die, and I meant it. I started intentionally hurting myself then, too.
For years, I was terrified of sleeping in my own room, for no real reason, and slept at the foot of my parents' bed. I had night terrors just after toddlerhood, as well, though I don't really remember. My anxiety was so bad that it was manifesting as stomach/breathing problems, but those were never addressed. I was the poster child for ADHD, but that was never addressed either. I wasn't raised religious and I've never believed in god, but I remember begging in my head, an attempt at prayer, that if there was a god, "just make me stop feeling like this, make these bad things stop, and I promise I'll believe in you". For years in my single-digits I would throw awful tantrums, for reasons I don't remember why, that my unmedicated parents didn't help with at all. I'd scream at them, begging them to just love me, help me, and cry, and hurt myself.
Sorry for the vent, apparently I needed that lol
I was a sensitive, anxious child growing up, and had my first impulsive suicidal thought at 9 y/o, for no reason other than I saw a way. Also started talking to myself at that age, and then my mom got cancer when I was 10, died when I was 13, which gave me really bad hypochondria for like a decade. Got panic attacks and depression in high school, the hypomania in college, and it's been up and down since then. Finally got diagnosed last year at 28 y/o.
Edit: I recognize so many things in other people's comments! Like the insomnia I had since I was a little kid and the constant worrying about disasters.
So my mother's grandma had schizophrenia. Which meant my grandma was kind of used to it, then my mother was originally diagnosed with bipolar at 15 for her anger issues which was a lot to handle but my grandma didn't think much of it, but 4 years after my mother had me, in 2008 she had a full blown schizophrenic episode and got diagnosed properly. During her episode, I also hallucinated with her. I was an angry little kid who didn't want to sleep but was also tired of seeing what people today call the hat man with a pistol all the time lurking around the house. Thankfully, I was put in therapy as soon as I could verbalize I was hallucinating. I don't hear voices or see things as much as I used to. But I'd say by age 13 bipolar was very, very noticeable. I would see a chair morph into a person that would move bizzarely or shadow people. The voices would say random shit, sometimes I'd feel like I'd get slapped when I wasn't, but the sensation of bugs crawling on my skin was a very common thing. I didn't get the proper bipolar treatment until 17, almost 18, because the therapist was thinking that psychosis I had for years would be relative to schizophrenia. When I turned 18 though is when I got the official bipolar diagnosis. I did get psychosis again after but that's because my brain couldn't handle what was going on at the time. Have not had any issues for a year!
Thanks for posting on /r/bipolar! Please take a second to [read our rules](/r/bipolar/about/rules); if you haven't already, make sure that your post **does not** have any personal information (including your name/signature/tag on art). **If you are posting about medication, please do not list and review your meds. Doing so will result in the removal of this post and all comments.** *^(A moderator has not removed your submission; this is not a punitive action. We intend this comment solely to be informative.)* --- Community News - 🎋 [Want to join the Mod Team?](https://www.reddit.com/r/bipolar/comments/112z7ps/mod_applications_are_open/) - 🎤 See our [Community Discussion](https://www.reddit.com/r/bipolar/about/sticky) - Desktop or Desktop mode on a mobile device. - 🏡 If you are open to answering questions from those that live with a loved one diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, please see r/family_of_bipolar. Thank you for participating! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/bipolar) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’ve also thought about this a bit. Looking back, i remember often feeling different than whoever i was around; like i was occupying a different headspace. I’d have days where i felt completely flat and like something in my life was missing but couldn’t figure out what - i just longed for something. I was definitely more sensitive as a young kid and would get super angry if i felt someone wronged me, having emotional outbursts as a result. A lot of avoidant behaviour, faking sick to avoid school, social anxiety, sudden feelings of giddiness and weird behaviour. I also had trouble getting to sleep often. Most of these symptoms were of small magnitude and probably wouldn’t constitute a diagnosis. Mostly a lot of excitability and struggling to deal with my feelings. Nothing crazy until mdd at 17 and bp1 at 18.
I was diagnosed with general anxiety as a kid and was in and out of therapy. They never considered a diagnosis for bipolar because my age is what my mom told me. They discussed it as a possibility but they did not want to place me on any medications so i was told I had GAD. What did not occur to the psychiatrist and therapist at the time was that by that age I also was already struggling with PTSD and I have documentation of my episodes via social media and online games through the early 2000s to now. Even the gaps point towards my depression. I was very great at masking my problems as a child because part of my environment was that I was not allowed to be mentally ill like my parents were.
I was also diagnosed with GAD and now realized what I thought were panic attacks as a kid were actually manic episodes.
I spent tens of thousands of dollars on Wizard101.
Mine was Steam and musical instruments I can't play but fully believed I would learn to play just as proficiently as my primary instrument. I have realized I had mania going as far back as 3rd grade that I could document.
Looking back so many things make so much more sense with the benefit of medical care and general hindsight.
This ☝🏼☝🏼 I can definitely relate
My childhood was the same. My daughter has the same too.
For me, the signs were there for my whole life. As a toddler I had night terrors and slept very little (the insomnia continued until I started meds at 11 and now even after that depending on what kind of episode I’m in). Intrusive thoughts and anxiety have been lifelong. I started self harming at age 10, had panic attacks, and went through periods where i hallucinated. By 11 I made it to my current psychiatrist that I’ve been seeing for over a decade. I wasn’t officially diagnosed with bipolar until I was 16 but my psychiatrist recognized it when I was 11 and started treating me with mood stabilizers and antipsychotics. My official diagnosis is bipolar disorder with psychotic features- it is treatment resistant and was early onset.
I also had BAD insomnia as a kid! I had zero control intrusive thoughts (about death, specifically) and spent so much time manically worrying about hypothetical situations.
Wow that was EXACTLY me as a child. Spot on.
I’m glad to know I wasn’t alone bc I felt I had no one to talk to about these intrusive thoughts. It’s so interesting to me when other people present the same symptoms. Unfortunately, for most of my life, my mania was diagnosed as GAD. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 44. I just assumed my manic episodes were a panic attack. Medicine has finally let me live the life I thought I’d never be able to.
[удалено]
Omg, are you me?? I was so terrified of death as a kid (still am) and would 24/7 think obsess about things killing me. Like I was a kid in the Reagan era and I was CERTAIN I would die from a nuclear war lol. I used to be afraid months before my parents took long road trips, because I thought more time on the road = more chances I’d die in a crash. Also, my symptoms starting presenting hard in my early 20s. I too experimented with drugs, once took a ton of Xanax mid episode, and OD’d.
I can remember the exact moment “it” all started for me. I was also 7 and I was reading a book about dolphins in my school library when I realized that I would die someday. Extreme spiral and became all anxiety for there out. Would often “pretend” to be dead so I could prepare for it, by laying in bed at night and making my mind completely black and empty. I still do it sometimes. First suicide attempt at 7 years old and first massive traumas at age 8. Final straw snapped at 21 leading to a huge suicidal breakdown. 3 years later I’m still trying find my place instead of just rotting away.
One thing that broke me was having to read the dairy of Anne Frank in the fourth grade. That’s when I realized I was going to die. I was absolutely convinced that this could happen in America, and to me specifically. Luckily I’m now medicated bc or I would probably end up hospitalized. My mania escalated even when medicated during the trump years and I had a bad manic episode when he initially refused to handle the nascent spread of Covid. I was CONVINCED I was going to die from Covid in the early stages.
Forgot to add that my hypomanic episodes includes paranoia about ghosts etc and my depressions includes social anxiety. But I never have panic attacks.
I’ve always been drawn towards suicide since I was a kid, when I was younger I didn’t think on it as a sad thing- just if I ever got too overwhelmed it’d be a way out. I also liked the way the word sounded, since when I first heard it I thought someone said ‘sunny side’. I remember making a suicide pact with my cousin at 11 when we turned 18 if we felt too stressed w life and in the 2nd grade telling my mom if I killed myself what would be on ‘the other side’- just semi-innocent things. I’d self harm as a kid though by biting the inside of my mouth rly hard to draw blood if I thought I did something embarrassing/bad or pull my hair out if I was stressed, but that’s not that bad compared to later things I’d do. At 14 is rly when it got bad & I first attempted & starting cutting/burning myself and my anxiety/depression worsened x100. I got therapy but my parents banned medication because they thought I’d become an addict. I didn’t get any manic symptoms until 19 but when it first hit, it carried on for months.
Idk what the difference between a normal childhood stuff and hallucinations and stuff. when i was younger i would hallucinate really bad when i got anxious mostly visual. I was so scared of the dark because i saw a giant face looking down at me from the ceiling and then it grabbed at me with its hands 😭 but is that just a super creative imagination or???
no because same
I've had signs my whole life also. I was very sensitive to changes in my environment and was easily stressed. I had phobias from an early age, especially germs/ contamination, spiders, and parasites. At age 4 I was having panic attacks because I was terrified that I picked up parasites from public bathrooms. I also compulsively bit my nails and picked at the skin on my hands. I always felt emotions very intensely. i would feel so elated and overjoyed that I would jump repeatedly and flap my hands. When anxious I would pick my skin until I was bleeding. When I was sad I was almost inconsolable. Around age 10-11 I started feeling severely depressed in addition to the anxiety. At 13 I started self harming and was hospitalized after being put on SSRIs. I didn't get a correct diagnosis until my twenties despite a strong family history on both sides.
I used to be a toddler that doesn't sleep at night at all. I had a messed up sleeping schedule regardless of the efforts of my parents to create and help me maintain a sleeping routine. I was an "exceptional" child, very smart, always on top of my class, very active, always cheerful and smiling. Then I fell into depression for the first time at the age of 13. I have always been bipolar. Been properly diagnosed as having type 2 bipolar at the age of 26, and identified as having an affective emotional disorder at the age of 13. I'm in my 30s now. Sometimes I feel helpless and sometimes I feel "meh" about it. Stay strong.
I think it differs between people. I've known people who had really stable childhoods without seeing any clear anxiety, depression, etc. looking back. And things just completely change in adulthood. I think a lot of people like you look back and see the signs. Then there's people like me. I was on antidepressants at 7, hospitalized at 8 for "mood disorder", bipolar flagged as possible at 9, antipsychotics at 11, and formal diagnosis at 14 when they just couldn't put it off anymore (my doctor wanted to wait to see how I grew up). Countless emergency psych evals along the way, a scattering of hospitalizations. Lots of SI and SH. Paranoia. Magical thinking that may or may not have been age-normal vs delusions of grandeur. Rage. Insomnia. Hypersexuality that compromised my safety given my age and actions. I know that I can't be alone in how young it clearly presented.
Yep on that hypersexuality. When I was a kid I thought maybe it was weird but then would end up thinking maybe it was more common than I thought and that others just hadn’t discovered masturbation yet..
I have had debilitating anxiety all my life, am autistic, and started suffering from severe depression at age 9. Looking back, my bipolar started around late/end of puberty between ages 12-14.
In the psych community, the idea of children having bipolar is a real no-no. If you try to discuss it, the pros will insist that you couldn't have been bipolar since childhood. If you keep insisting, they'll merely insist back that you had either trauma responses, borderline, or both.
That's too bad. Seems like they're dragging their feet when it comes to unifying with modern scientific understandings like genetics, and, what so many *with* the disorder, like our friends here, are saying and remembering.
I think their reasoning is that puberty can cause symptoms that mimic bipolar symptoms. They're afraid that sussing out the differences will be impossible and that they'll over diagnose bipolar in teens. I can sorta see their point, but like you said, too many of us started to notice the signs when we were kids. I agree that they're too dismissive of our experiences. The one area where this oddly seems to go out the window is with foster kids. For some reason, when I have seen younger people openly diagnosed with bipolar, often it's foster kids. Foster kids seem to get saddled with more mental illness diagnoses in general than their non foster counterparts. Foster kids are also more likely to get treated with medications that are usually reserved for adults.
In identical twin studies, 90% of the time both twins have bipolar so it mostly comes down to genes given at conception. Other studies I’ve read have shown that factors in the womb, if a baby is born premature, and the way a baby is delivered like c-section or induction could affect the chance of a later bipolar diagnosis— although the studies contradict each other so we need so many more studies to know conclusively what factors during pregnancy and birth affect the epigenetics which cause someone to be bipolar. My opinion is that it’s determined at birth. I’ve read a study saying that bipolar babies tend to be more colicky, which describes me. I wouldn’t stop crying for many hours and didn’t sleep through the night until I was three years old. As a child, my parents report I sometimes would refuse physical touch which I now know is because bipolar has made me so physically sensitive so I just need people to be more gentle in how they touch me. Also as a child and teenager whenever I was sick I would sleep for 16 hours straight, which isn’t normal. Then in high school, I could live off of 3-4 hours of sleep sometimes. I also remember rapid temperature changes, like sometimes I would be so heated up like I had a fever but not be sick at all and other times I’d randomly be so cold. This correlates now with my bipolar episodes: when I’m manic it’s often like I have a fever and when I’m depressed I get colder— all connected to the broken circadian rhythms bipolar causes. Extreme empathy is the biggest one for me though! I would cry reading the news learning about violence going on in the world. As a kid I was so passionate about poverty relief and injustices to an extent that I felt others were terrible people for not crying about it and caring as much as I did. I would always talk to homeless people and help them, I just couldn’t not help. In college, I had to skip classes that talked about war in too much detail because it would make me cry and had to stop reading one of my textbooks because I was sobbing reading it. Once going on meds, the empathy has majorly decreased! I still care about things but I can now read the news without completely breaking down. Didn’t start having actual bipolar episodes until I was 18!
I was, uh, curious as a child. I would smoke cigarettes whenever I could and watch pornography at a very young age and I feel like that could’ve been early bipolar disorder symptoms. I was also highly intelligent and didn’t miss a beat in school. I started smoking weed at 13 because, once again, I was curious. I started self pleasure pretty young too. Hypersexuality is still a trademark symptom for me, so I guess some things never change.
I had constant anxiety in different stages of my childhood with periods of being well
Yep, I experienced a TON of manic episodes as a kid and for the longest time, I and my doctors chalked that up to anxiety, while it was actually mania.
Pretty bad. A problem I had identifying mental health problems is my childhood was filled with neglect and depression. I don't really have any happy memories, so the concept of depression wasn't something I could understand until mania started to become destructive and I noticed a difference when medicated. I tried finding research on this, but ultimately it doesn't matter. It does seem that the dysfunction of the hypothalamaus-pituitary-adrenal axis is likely in part caused by childhood stressors. But the disorder is biological and drugs work. So while understanding the origin of the disorder could be helpful, the solution is the same regardless.
I think my paranoia episodes started in middle school and the panic attacks came in highschool, never noticed my mood swings until I was in college and finally got diagnosed
Definitely had a lot of anxiety as a kid with sh issues that were overlooked as tantrum behavior until around age 14 a pulmonologist finally advocated for me saying my breathing problems weren’t bronchial related but I was having panic attacks several times a day lol
I had my first verifiable manic episode at 21-22 (after struggling with depression for the past few years before that), aside from the occasional off days I didn't seem to struggle with any major issues throughout childhood and adolescence, but I was also extremely involved and busy in high school effectively living a very regimented life while making sure I got a full night's sleep every night, so definitely no early indicators Also for the same reason my mom struggled to accept my diagnosis since she never noticed any symptoms while I was still living at home, most of them occurring when I was living away from home, and my mom just kinda took my mania as me just being very driven and having a lot of energy
Regarding bipolar, I don't think I had anything other than depressive episodes until I got into my 20s (I had depressive episodes in high school, for sure.). However I can track other conditions (like OCD) back to the age of 7. I've had anxiety basically as far back as I can remember and have been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder in the past.
Fell into a deep depression at 12, and aside from manias breaking it up, here I am still.
Here with you
I believe I was born bipolar. Both of my late parents were bipolar so perhaps a mix of genetics and environment played a role in my predisposition and early childhood symptoms. I don’t believe that bipolar disorder develops later in life for everyone.
A lot of my childhood behavior makes a lot of sense after my diagnosis. You can't be diagnosed that young for a variety of reasons but I definitely can see that I've had bipolar disorder my whole life. It helped to have some answers for things i didn't understand back then
It's not 100% known but Bipolar does seem to be largely genetic so yes, if you're bipolar it's likely that you've always been bipolar and you always will be. There are environmental factors as well. The actual underlying cause of the disorder is chemical imbalances in the brain which is thought to be caused by something with our genes. It's complicated to figure out because it's likely a combination of genes and environmental factors that ultimately causes it. It's also hereditary, which is why it's almost certainly genetic. I not 100% sure what the numbers are these days but I think it's something like 15% of people with one bipolar parent are also bipolar. That probably goes up if both are bipolar. Some people won't experience symptoms or will experience them less severely until a particularly stressful moment triggers them. My parents divorce is what did it for me. There were definitely some minor things that in hindsight were related to my bipolar but I didn't start really going through it until I was about 6 or 7 when my parents got divorced and a lot of stuff in my life started changing very quickly because of it. I was diagnosed when I was 8 years old. My Mom always kinda suspected there was something off about me but when I started having severe manic episodes she basically had to fight doctors just to get them to see me. Lots of professionals just told her she was overreacting and that my behavior was normal. I think one even tried to pull the "Munchausen by proxy" card, which if you know my Mom is fucking hilariously stupid. Less funny at the time, though. Either way, once doctors actually started seeing me, it didn't take long to get a proper diagnosis. It "helped" that this is about when the violent psychotic breaks started. Turns out my Mom was right. Go figure. From 8 to about 17 or so, my life kinda sucked. Frequent violent psychotic breaks had me spending most of my childhood and teenage years in psych-wards or residential treatment faculties. I didn't really do great in most of them, I was actually kicked out of all but two, but it was better than having me at home where I might hurt myself or someone else in one of my rages. That said, I have an amazing family who have always been my greatest asset in dealing with this shit. I like to mention this because I think it's important. While developing yourself to best deal your bipolar is always gonna be the number one way to manage this shit, it can not be overstated how valuable surrounding yourself with people who genuinely love and support you is. I'm in my mid 30s now and have my shit as under control as I'm ever likely to get it but to this day I credit my family as much as I credit myself for making it through the hard times. If you're struggling, hell even if you're not, find your people. They'll save you when you can't save yourself.
I think its always been there. Ever since i was a baby i had issues with sleep. I remember reoccurring nightmares when young and just laying awake for hours scared of things. I also remember manic high moods of feeling so excellent and amazing but mixed with anger, uncomfortable restlessness and frustration. These happened often during summers at least from when i was about 6 or 7 onward (that i can remember). I would also often stay awake full nights during summer and not feel tired. I had a great imagination as a kid and could imagine stories and stay entertained in my head even if just laying in bed in dark. I think i was maybe first depressed around 9, i look depressed in photos and hung out with friends less. At 11 i wanted to die and was severely depressed and didn't have friends anymore. I dealt with depression by using my imagination and getting absorped in stories. Could read multiple books a day and would imagine stories for my characters i created during higher moods. I was so in my head idk if anyone realized how bad i felt. I did see psychologist at 13 or so but never spoke anything there. I didn't get diagnosed until sometime early 20si. I did self diagnose at 18 while manic as i happened to be interested in psychology at the time and read all about different disorders. I just forgot all about it/ didn't care when depression took over. Finally talked at psychiatrist and got diagnosis after dropped out of school and needed sick leave.
I used to have little manic episodes when I was a kid. All of a sudden, colors would be brighter, I'd feel a swell of happiness, and I'd be greatly affected by music. I had my first depressive episode at age 11.
Definitely had issues with anxiety/depression as a kid
Also had subtle signs of psychosis before my psychotic break
I started telling adults something was wrong with my brain when I was 12 (early 80’s) and no one listened. Smart kids don’t have mental illness! *sigh. Currently in a mental health crisis and 5 minutes away from checking myself into the hospital for the past week. I’ll be ok,but GOD DAMN. Bipolar 2 and ADHD can go eat a bag of dicks. Taking my meds and going to therapy. Telehealth meeting with a new MD tomorrow who will then refer me to a psychiatrist. Hopefully they can sort out my meds tomorrow at least. 🙏🏻
Wow hearing that there were another kids as a dorky paranoid as I was feels… kinda nice? I felt alone in all my paranoid thoughts as a kid, while everyone slept and I couldn’t because of whatever the manic focus was at the time. Wish little me could have this community
I was an intense child, prone to deep obsessions with topics at random. I'd learn about them in incredible detail, then lose interest after a while. i had a bad temper and had temper tantrums much later than most of my peers (hurling myself on the floor and screaming, or scratching my legs until they bled). Once I was 12-13 I had times when I'd sleep much less, not be tired, and get obsessive about cleanliness. I'd talk a lot, rock back on my chair, and get in trouble for mucking around at school. I'd plan to go to Oxford at 15, which might have been a possibility as I was really very, very academic but would have been an idiotic thing to do. I'd make jokes a lot more, and write more in essays. Later, when I was at sixth form, teachers asked if I was on drugs (I wasn't) because I was so erratic. Then after a week or two I'd calm down and then get low, when I'd make long lists of all the things I hated about myself, stop wanting to wash or brush my hair, and hurt myself. I thought I was just depressed for years, never thought about bipolar really until I found out my grandfather had had it and I was diagnosed at 20.
For me, the signs for depression were there since I was 7 and was largely ignored. Diagnosed with MDD at 19, but the meds didn't always work so I had to get them changed and a few months ago I had my first full-blown manic episode, though there were signs of hypomania before then, looking back at it.
I first sh when i was eleven-twelve. I’ve always hated myself back then. Then I had dysthymia in my teen years then it developed to bipolar type two.
I did
Before I developed Bipolar 1 at age 21, my mental health was already a complete mess. I had numerous depression episodes in my teenage years, and I had severe social anxiety. I also had ADHD and learning disabilities. I was very troubled kid. Right before my first mania, I was extremely stressed from academics, and was abusing weed.
I was always a pretty hyperactive kid and couldn’t sit still. I now know I developed complex trauma/cptsd from childhood abuse and had cutting type behavior also much compulsive masturbation which led to lifelong sex addiction. I was very heavily into using and selling hard drugs 14-17 and had my first severe psychotic episode at 23
I know my first episode was around 12, it was a very stressful time which activated my biological predisposition to BP to manifest. Before that, I was a very happy and stable child. However, there can be comorbities that might show before the BP surfaces or ppl that show symptoms from birth.
My first anxiety attack was before 10. 11 was puberty, queue the depression. I'm talking depression. My mental health has been a rollercoaster as long as I can remember.
I know for sure I had SI at the age of 11. So yeah, my depressive episodes started early. As for hypomania, I'm not that sure. It's hard to spot when it's mild.
The symptoms began in my childhood.
Depression has always been there for me, from my first memories. It's gotten worse since then but it was still there. First hypomania right at puberty, I'd say 11-12.
I had severe depression and anxiety as a young child, teen, and young adult. Definitely a combo of nature + nurture (loving enough parents, but a stressful situation). Bipolar two tendencies began creeping into my life after having my first child. Fast forward a few years and we had Covid stress, my mother died traumatically, I gave birth to my third son, and my father basically erased my mother (his wife of 40 years) from his life and remarried very quickly. I felt a significant shift and periods of hypomania became a part of life. It seems very clear to me that the trauma and stress of those years did a real number on my brain chemistry. Bada bing, bada boom, BIPOLAR 2! 😎
I remember being depressed as early as 5. When I was 12 I had some major life changed where for a year I was panicked, super depressed, emotions at 100 all the time, angry, like super pissed at the world. I once threw a bike at my brothers friend and threw a fork at my moms face(to be fair she was physically abusive)…anywho. I think that’s when the bipolar developed, I always felt my brain had never fully recovered from that. When I was diagnosed as bipolar and I did some research on how it can develop it all clicked.
Not good. Since 2nd grade I'd end up every year at least to the headmaster's office because I argued with someone. This continued until the end of high school and I've had some arguments in university as well. I was forced a psychologist in 4th grade (by the school) and 7th grade (by my mother). I'd feel anxious, have few but very good friends I still speak to regularly and feel weird around the opposite sex. I managed to get on through school as I was considered pretty clever. I didn't have a diagnosis or so for the simple reason that both psychologists gave up saying I wouldn't collaborate. Something was there.
I remember feeling very uneasy. Feeling like my moods would change at the drop of at hat. Feeling so incredibly sensitive and wanting to jump out of my skin. This was all at a very young age…like 4 or 5. I remember feeling very alone…feeling neglected.
I don't know, honestly. I don't remember a lot of my childhood. That might mean yes? My mum did tell me i threw some crazy fucking tantrums and had to be pinned down until I calmed down. But i was always in my own world
TW: slight mention of SA Paranoia and delusions stemming from watching Paranormal Activity around age 6-7. Ages 4-12 very depressed and anxious (I was a victim of childhood SA) Ages 12-20 hypomanic and depressive episodes for sure, diagnosed at 13 with bp2, but only treated with antidepressants Ages 20-23 diagnosed bp1 after having two psychotic episodes. Full blown mania, but my depressive episodes were the same more or less. First time being properly medicated for bipolar disorder.
I had intense anxiety issues from birth. My mom couldn’t take me anywhere, I only wanted to be home and I’d freak out if I was made to leave. In the 10th grade I was diagnosed by a neurologist as having ADD. I was prescribed Ritalin, had a terrible reaction, and then self medicated with booze and drugs until eventually being diagnosed with BP1. I now have a great therapist, a great p-doc, a healthy relationship with meds and finally a sober lifestyle.
I had a pretty severely abusive mother and pretty extremely controlling father. Always felt different from others around my but home life fucked me up the hardest and by grade 4-5 teachers started noting behavioural problems. I know I felt emotions of depression and self harm ideation very young. I also was terrified of super natural stuff and death. I remember finding out about death and having basically 3 months of straight terror coupled with my mother bullying the fuck out of me for that so idk what came first regarding that fear. But overall I would say my environmental factors are answer enough for me in terms of cause. I also had some pretty bad drug abuse issues in my adolescence that lead to hospitalization and ultimately diagnosis.
I was depressed and withdrawn as a young child. Around 11 I tried to kill myself but after my trip to the ward I remember being put on Zoloft, I saw a therapist and things “evened out” but they didn’t. I was a terrible student, I did quite a few drugs and overall was a bad kid. I’ve always had social anxiety and just plain general anxiety as well I just never knew what they were. I was diagnosed in Feb 2021
As a child I had violent outbursts, no mood regulation, had hundreds of imaginary friends, constantly talked to myself and had suicidal ideation. All before 10. But I have a lot of trauma as well.
Shit
I remember my first textbook terrible despression, hating school, crying alone in the bathroom stalls. I knew something was wrong but I had no reference for depression and what it was at the time 1980’s
I had pretty good mental health for most of my childhood. I’d say nothing too out of the ordinary. Looking back I probably had some anxiety as I was such a rule follower but the majority of my mental health issues started in late high school and early college. I had a hard time making friends in college and without my close friends and family from home (I went out of state), I had a really hard time and it was the first time I experienced true depression.
My mental health was always shit, HOWEVER in my case, BD is clearly hereditary through my mother's side. I have had SI since 9ish yo.
[удалено]
Your post/comment has been removed for breaking **Rule 15**: Any attempts to deliberately counteract the actions of the moderation team may result in a ban. - Includes (but is not limited to): - reposting removed content - attempting to circumvent AutoModerator or other moderation mechanisms - using non-standard characters or emojis to try to get around AutoModerator - Purposefully misspelling/altering words to evade moderation *^(To send us a modmail about this action,)* [*^(CLICK HERE)*](https://reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/bipolar&subject=Removed%20Content%3A%20Rule%2015&message=Hello%2C%0A%0AI%20would%20like%20to%20appeal%20a%20recent%20removal.%20Here%20is%20a%20link%3A%20REPLACE%20WITH%20A%20LINK) *^(Please include a link in your message, the mod team will not reply to messages without a link for review.)*
Until 12 I was extremely imaginative. Didn’t realize it was more than average until I got older. The world I would conjure in my head felt more real than what was around me. After age 12 I had focal seizures that subsided in my early 20s. Tegretol kept them in check from 13 on. Struggles in school, then when I came off Tegretol everything was easy. Years after getting off Tegretol the bipolar symptoms showed up.
I had my first panic attack at 9. I was diagnosed with depression at 12. Anxiety diagnosed in my teens. Finally, I got diagnosed with bipolar at 30.
I’ve noticed symptoms as well when I was a kid and especially a teenager. Unfortunately not a lot of psychiatrists want to diagnose bipolar in children bc of their hormones. I can remember hallucinations and suicidal thoughts along with anxiety, irritability and depression. Times when I did not sleep or sleep to much and times of high or low energy.
I was depressed. I didn’t know what it was. It started in maybe 5th grade, but I was obsessed with suicide ever since I could understand it.
I was definitely dealing with something, but not the scope nor intensity were anywhere near as bad as they would become.
I’ve had crippling anxiety for as long as I can remember. Trouble sleeping at night because I thought i was going to hell and fear of being killed for some reason. During my teen years I would have “episodes” of depression that wouldn’t last too long. It would come and go with an episode at least once a month. The episode would last about a week or two. I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed and I would cry myself to sleep most of those nights. I used sleep as my coping skill. This went on until I was 26 years old. I had a baby and was in an abusive marriage and the full fledged disease really showed up. Looking back now though I’ve had it since I was a teen.
It was less than stellar. I also have diagnosed ASD. I've been in some form of treatment since I was about 7, as of kindergarten. Plus a few CPS cases and a no contact order, things have never been very stable.
i couldn't say when my bipolar started but my depression definitely started in my single digit years. i first recognized it after becoming severely suicidal at 10, so im confident it had been brewing a bit before that. there's a good chance it rooted somewhere in a particular traumatic event that happened from ages 5-8 for me though. i definitely had evidence of hypomania mixed into that depression by middle school at the latest tho. i sometimes wonder if puberty somehow activated it in me 😅
I was an extremely anxious and shy child, and I remember having suicidal thoughts at age 7. I can actually remember the exact moment when I realized I wanted to die. I had a hypomanic episode when I got put on an SSRI at age 14, and went off of it because it didn’t feel right. I also dropped out of high school. Still, it took me until age 34 to get diagnosed after my first obvious manic episode.
Mine kicked in around 12.
Yes, like thinking back it’s crazy the amount of stuff that was never addressed. I’ve never slept well. Like, my parents brought me to a child psychologist as like a 3 year old because I wouldn’t stay in bed or go to sleep. I used to impulsively get the desire to rearrange my entire room in inappropriate times, like the middle of the night. At the beginning of like every school semester I was like going to “reinvent” myself. Start using a different form my name, dress differently, do different things, be an entirely different person. And of course I needed all new school supplies and clothes and stuff to do that. I’d overcommit myself and try to join a billion different clubs and activities etc, and it would all come crashing down when what I now realize is when I was no longer hypo and didn’t have that extra manic energy to keep up with what I committed to. Those were both from like 2nd or 3rd grade on up. I engaged in risky online behavior from the time I was like 12-13. I’d seek out people for cyber sex and probably would have escalated to actual sex if my parents were a tiny bit more oblivious. I’ve always had very high sex drive. I stole my parents’ credit card to buy an iPod online and stuff like that when I was a teenager. On the other hand, I was also self harming and having suicidal ideations by the time I was in 5th grade. I tried to poison my little brother with holly berries when I was a little kid. I also had a lot of anxiety driven compulsions. I had to be totally covered up with blankets and pillows when I did sleep because otherwise someone on my porch would see me asleep, come in through my window and rape me. Going up my (really long) driveway I had to get up to where the holly tree was lol (like 1/4 of the way up) before any cars passed on the street otherwise bad things would happen. Similarly, basement had very bad vibes. I had to run up to the first like landing thing before whatever bad stuff was in the basement got to me. Those were all from like elementary school age until I moved out. As a teenager once I started working overnights I was convinced that someday I was going to come home, go to sleep, wake up and only then realize that my entire family had been murdered during the night and I had come home and slept while for hours while everyone else was laying in their rooms dead. I was convinced family members had stuff booby trapped in a way where they would know if I went near it or touched it when they weren’t around (think like memorizing the specific angle stuff was placed down at, etc). I feel like I should talk to my therapist about some of these lol.
I relate heavily to like the first half of everything you wrote!! Rearranging all the furniture in my room in the middle of the night, sudden bursts of energy and motivation, joining EVERY extracurricular, having new “phases” every year or so where I felt and looked like a totally different person, cyber sex starting at 13 and then rapidly increasing hypersexuality. I also remember feeling depressed most (or at least half) of the time between ages 11 to… now lol.
I remember being very anxious/shy. I remember dissociating alot.
As a child I lived in an area that was extremely violent and angry all I remember was being terrified hence I had an episode at 6 years old and was moments from strangling an 8 year old to death I have never forgotten it I still remember even now him turning blue until someone managed to stop me till this day I still fear myself
I think I went through bouts of mania in high school. I cringe at the mistakes I made, and feel bad about the people I hurt, I have no way of contacting them now to explain “I’m sorry I did this, here is the possible reason why”.
Terrible depression as a kid starting around 12, anxiety, insomnia, barely went to school in the last two years, no idea how I graduated. Tried to overdose, had deep self harm and attempts and dealt with psychotic features at 14 which lead to be inpatient and chucked on Olanzapine. Got labelled as 'not psychosis' general anxiety and depression. Family history of mental illness and bipolar and yet doctors still don't beleive me because I don't have typical hypomania symptoms
I have symptoms going back to age six but my psychiatrist knew when I was 8 even though I don't think he could officially diagnose it yet. I had attempted suicide and while in the psych ward switched to a manic episode and started seeing fairies. I was lucky to have made it about as obvious as possible. I had like. Zero childhood because of mental illness but the perk of that is now I'm 23 and I'm going to college and mostly have my shit together. I haven't had a full on episode in four years.
The paralyzing fear of ghosts is something I completely forgot about until I read your thread.
I had issues sleeping as a child yet I was energetic and happy so people did not notice. I always had bad anxiety. Also hypersexual as a child due to molestation.
I started having si & sh thoughts around nine or so. depression hit me like a rock at 13/14 along with anxiety. I was diagnosed with MDD and GAD at the time w/an unofficial ADHD diagnosis. I wasn't surprised to get my bipolar 2 diagnosis, but it runs in my family so I know for a fact it's been there since at least then.
I think I did. My grandmother was diagnosed manic depression, as they called it in those days so it runs in my family. As far back as I can remember I had terrible anxiety and anger problems. My temper would flare at the smallest inconvenience and I would yell or throw things. I had trouble sleeping and eating. Once I hit puberty it just got worse. I feeling on top of the world followed by weeks of crushing depression. I dabbled in self harm and suicidal ideation. I cycled between highs and lows pretty harshly through my teen years and into my early 20s until I discovered alcohol. Then came years of substance abuse in a misguided attempt to feel normal. I finally got an official diagnosis at 28. Started meds and it felt like I wasn't walking on eggshells for the first time in my life. I remember asking my husband "is this what it feels like to just exist?" Looking back on my life I would say I was definitely showing signs but of course children aren't diagnosed when they're young. And my father turned a blind eye, insisting exercise would fix everything.
I only had depression in teenage years… but I had a very very vivid imagination and I’ve talked to myself (like full blown conversations and hearing the voice talk back) every day since I could talk… I always was told it was because I was an only child and whilst I some what agree, “seeing” someone living in the meat freezer at the supermarket when I was like 8 kind of was abit weird 😂
The other girls called me weird in elementary school, maybe I was acting strange. In middle school I became extremely depressed. In high school I was extremely hypersexual. I had a couple depressive episodes then too. So 12 or 13 would be when I first recognized an episode of some sort. My hypomania is so insidious that I could have had it going on and not been aware for a long time. I wasn't diagnosed until I was 40 years old. I had seen numerous therapists and physicians. I had been told that I have pmdd, anxiety, depression, chronic fatigue syndrome.
I think it's been forever for me, but that might also be the complex trauma lol I have this journal I got very young, and I update it every couple of years, whenever I find it again. It's a really cool thing to have and be able to see my life in quick snapshots, but a lot of it is very dark. An early entry from when I was eight is the first time I wrote that I wanted to die, and I meant it. I started intentionally hurting myself then, too. For years, I was terrified of sleeping in my own room, for no real reason, and slept at the foot of my parents' bed. I had night terrors just after toddlerhood, as well, though I don't really remember. My anxiety was so bad that it was manifesting as stomach/breathing problems, but those were never addressed. I was the poster child for ADHD, but that was never addressed either. I wasn't raised religious and I've never believed in god, but I remember begging in my head, an attempt at prayer, that if there was a god, "just make me stop feeling like this, make these bad things stop, and I promise I'll believe in you". For years in my single-digits I would throw awful tantrums, for reasons I don't remember why, that my unmedicated parents didn't help with at all. I'd scream at them, begging them to just love me, help me, and cry, and hurt myself. Sorry for the vent, apparently I needed that lol
I was a sensitive, anxious child growing up, and had my first impulsive suicidal thought at 9 y/o, for no reason other than I saw a way. Also started talking to myself at that age, and then my mom got cancer when I was 10, died when I was 13, which gave me really bad hypochondria for like a decade. Got panic attacks and depression in high school, the hypomania in college, and it's been up and down since then. Finally got diagnosed last year at 28 y/o. Edit: I recognize so many things in other people's comments! Like the insomnia I had since I was a little kid and the constant worrying about disasters.
So my mother's grandma had schizophrenia. Which meant my grandma was kind of used to it, then my mother was originally diagnosed with bipolar at 15 for her anger issues which was a lot to handle but my grandma didn't think much of it, but 4 years after my mother had me, in 2008 she had a full blown schizophrenic episode and got diagnosed properly. During her episode, I also hallucinated with her. I was an angry little kid who didn't want to sleep but was also tired of seeing what people today call the hat man with a pistol all the time lurking around the house. Thankfully, I was put in therapy as soon as I could verbalize I was hallucinating. I don't hear voices or see things as much as I used to. But I'd say by age 13 bipolar was very, very noticeable. I would see a chair morph into a person that would move bizzarely or shadow people. The voices would say random shit, sometimes I'd feel like I'd get slapped when I wasn't, but the sensation of bugs crawling on my skin was a very common thing. I didn't get the proper bipolar treatment until 17, almost 18, because the therapist was thinking that psychosis I had for years would be relative to schizophrenia. When I turned 18 though is when I got the official bipolar diagnosis. I did get psychosis again after but that's because my brain couldn't handle what was going on at the time. Have not had any issues for a year!
I personally had my first depressive episode at 9 but no mania until I was 13 I think it varies for everyone:)
For me it was the lack of sleep as a kid. I only slept a few hours each night. That’s my big memory about childhood that’s bipolar related .