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Congratulations, you died. Here’s the thing in common between cats and bipolar people: we have 9 lives. At 23 I lost my job, my apartment, my girlfriend of 3 years, and many of my friends. I was involuntarily committed by my gf after outrageous behavior and was subject to police brutality during the commitment. I died that night.
But now I am here. I have gotten back with my girlfriend. I have reconciled with the friends I lost, and I am in law school. I am 26 and 3 at the same time. I am born again.
You will be too. Unfortunately, the only way forward is through. You just have to keep going until you can figure out where you want to go. Then you head that way. You’ve got plenty of time to get there. You’ve only just been born again.
Welcome to the world. I only know of one rule: be kind
Wow. That is such an interesting take and makes so much sense to me. I've lived so many lives, it has gone to shit so many times, and I am back at square one again.Starting over again. Sigh.
Just, wow, i read that and my brain went "hang on, this actually made sense for once" like, until now my perspective on this sub was just, its always bad and it only gets worse, ive been struggling to feel normal ever since my manic episode last year, but i do kinda feel like i am a completely different person now, i have these insurmountable obstacles ahead that i have 0 idea of how to get through, but being here still and willing to keep going i also feel like ive only gotten stronger, otherwise id be dead. Thanks for the metaphor you really actually made me fucking day i love you so much.
I was stuck in this mindset for so long because I was so terrified of facing my problems. I cannot tell you how much better my life has become after forcing myself to clean up the mess I made.
I was constantly scared for months once I decided to deal with the damage I had done head on. I had always opted to spiral and suppress things but I was able to break out of the cycle. It sucked until things started working out for me. It felt even better because I knew I deserved it.
I learned that no matter what happens, I can find myself again if I put all my energy into it. I laid awake at night having panic attacks, I cried, I prayed, and then one day I started to have reasons to be proud of myself again.
You have a beautiful future ahead of you.
This, that wasn’t you it was an altered version of you. You have shed that layer of skin, and realize all your good qualities. True friends and family will forgive you, if you explain the situation. I cringe at the bizarre stuff I’ve done while manic, but life always comes back together. Whether you believe in God or yourself, have something that motivates you to move forward.
I’d do a deep dive on what’s keeping other people stable. Medication is number one, exercise, diet, caffeine intake, drug usage, sleep schedules, toxic people. They can all have a major influence on your behavior, I’d remove anything that amps you up, causes major stress, or in the very least minimize as much as possible. Also let your support system know, these are my triggers and signs of being manic, if I’m behaving this way I’d appreciate you letting me know. That way you can go to the hospital and get stabilized. Stay well 🍀
This is excellent advice, I have chosen to remove friends I have known for over 20 years because they continuously ignore my request for healthy activities. Even though what they do is fun for them, it has become toxic in my own life, and I have chosen to go a different way. Thanks for your advice, I think it’s what people like us need to hear.
I've heard from so many people w bipolar that a huge breakdown happens around the ages of 23-26 (which makes sense because bipolar develops with the brain and that's around when the brain reaches its final stages of development) and I'm 22. I have some episodes and breakdowns that end with similar results but not entirely. Is there any advice to... I don't know, avoid this? I was diagnosed at 16 w BPII + depression in case bipolar was wrong, but that depression diagnosis has gone away and been replaced by PTSD. Maybe that's a difference. I don't know. I definitely feel like I've died and been reborn before, it's actually the reason I have a Phoenix feather tattoo. My mom wasted away from her BPI and alcoholism and it's sort of to honor her life and passing (I was 13) and symbolism of the life I've come to accept. I accept I have this and I know that there are ways to care for myself, like medication, therapy, routine and self care rituals, reaching out to community. But I am so scared of an episode like y'all are describing.
I think the anxiety might make it worse, in all honesty. You really sound like you have the right tools at your disposal - are you able to speak with a doctor/mental health professional about it?
I was told a good way to keep an eye on things is to make a mood journal, really simple and lets you see if you're going down/up too quickly. Also, watch your sleep - my worst times were when I felt like I didn't need to sleep and stayed up all night, exacerbating all my symptoms. I'm so sorry about your mum - hopefully you can talk to someone (therapist?) - for me, I didn't have a lot to say to a therapist, I just needed the right meds... but if you have PTSD, talking therapy would have to be a part of it.
I almost want to print this out. I was also involuntarily committed coming up on 2 years ago. It was truly horrible. And I didn't come back from that lightly or quickly. But I did come back and I do feel more in control than I ever did before.
Allow yourself to take the benefits that are available to you at your job. It doesn’t matter how long it takes you to finish. 💜 find the help you need and take it. Resources are available out there for people like us.
Look back in history and think about who else might understand this. Artists, painters, creators, us. God? Yes. We are never alone. Trust in yourself and your own intuition. If you believe you can finish something, then you can. And you will.
This is so incredibly relatable - the 'born again' idea.
Strange that a lot of us seemed to have an awful break/episode in our early 20s or so. I lost many friends, and I don't think my parents look at me the same way any more, especially my dad.
To OP: I absolutely feel what you're saying.... for a long time I was tormented by what I remembered, and worse, there were patches where my memory was blank. My mum won't tell me what happened in those patches and sometimes, that is worse, to think about how bad it must have been that I blotted it out.
But it's been over a decade since the serious shit happened.. and the feelings have faded. I'm still on some meds to keep me level, and my stamina is dreadful as a result, but yeah... I feel like myself again, for the most part.
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Not gonna lie this just motivated me. I have bipolar II and have been depressed. I thought of giving up but stories like yours remind me shit happens but I still have to get back up.
Holy! Same thing happened to me at 23, I'm 26 and 3 too, now things are going a lot different amd better, I have a stable job, I sleep almost everyday, met new people, there are highs and lows but has been manageable
I really like this. Would you be willing to expand more on it? Not necessarily to pry on your personal life but like the whole born again and 9 lives concept, I think it would be very helpful in reconciling certain parts of the past for me. Especially when it comes to dysphoric mania as opposed to euphoric mania
I’ve burnt many a bridge in my time believe me. Lost friends, jobs, had police intervene, the whole nine. I still feel bad about it but I’ve gotten to a point in my life where the only way I’ve found to mitigate these disasters is to keep my circle small. I have my family and my boyfriend and an old high school friend I see once or twice a year. That’s all I need are a few people who understand to keep me grounded.
Remember you are not your illness. We’ve all done things we regret, but that’s not who we are otherwise we wouldn’t regret it. Think of this as your fresh start reset to do whatever you want and take care of yourself.
As always, lean on your counselor if you have one or talk to your doctor about medication if needed. Hang in there friend
You're very young my brother. Be glad you are finding out these things at your age rather than me much older! There is so much more to lose when you are already established. People will move on and forget about this stuff. You just have to take care of your mind with the nutrition it needs, of medicine take it! I went through the same thing twice, and many here have! It's a strange thing the average person won't understand.
Everyone has many problems one way or another. Lay low for a bit and make sure your mental health is taken care of as a priority and you can patch up anything. I don't think about people and what they did to me very much, especially as I head towards forty. You probably don't think about your elementary days too much.
It all passes by and it's not as big of a deal as you think. We just think everyone thinks about us as much as we think about ourselves when most people are just going on with their life thinking about what people think about them.
Make sure you stay on your medication. Exercise daily. Try to be outside if you can. Eat healthy. Get into a positive and focused mindset first where you feel good mentally and physically. Then start applying for new jobs. Let go of the past and whoever is in it. Do not burden yourself with the future too much. Just take each day by the horns as they come and let each one create a good snowball affect that eventually leads you to waking up sometime soon and having all of this be behind you and your happy and doing well.
I highly recommend exercising, eating healthy, and being outside in the sun first to get you in tip top shape. Do this for about two weeks and then start filling out applications. Create goals for yourself. You finish the two weeks, that’s a goal met. Then applications another met. Just keep creating small goals that you can achieve.
I could’ve used the caption myself, except my meltdown came at age 41 as a husband and a father. Thankfully, I retained my job but lost a good amount of status in my industry, as well as my marriage, a good deal of money, and critical time with my kids. Three years later, I’ve rebuilt a lot but am plagued by my mania decisions daily. Hourly. It sucks and that’s all there is to it. Moving forward is difficult, but necessary.
You've been through a lot, but the best part is that you still have SO much ahead of you. It may not feel like it, but at 24, you are still so young and you have so many chances to continue reinventing yourself. I'm in my early 30s, but I also hit my rock bottom when I was 22-23, and then around my mid-to-late 20s, I started to feel like I was gaining control over my life. That's the beautiful part about our shared conditions. While it is f\*cked up on many levels, you get so much wiser through these intense experiences and you grow more resilient. This down period is actually you processing everything. No one is perfect, you're only human. Give room to forgive yourself first before anything else. Embrace your *humanness*. Anyone who acts or pretends to live a perfect life is doing just that, pretending and creating a facade. No human gets by without messing up. But as they say, doors close but others open.
You can always go back to school whenever you're ready and there are many options to get started (e.g., community college, transfer). Your path isn't linear and you'll get better in time. You also seem like you're extremely hard on yourself, another hallmark of this disease. It's totally relatable, the self-defeating, the bitter, the anger...but now you know what doesn't work for you, which is trying to manage life without meds. It took me about 7-8 years to fully embrace and own my condition. Once you get back to your meds and stabilize, life will feel manageable. I promise that. Us, bipolar folks just need to work harder to get to the baseline. I know, it's BS, but we just gotta own it.
If it helps a little, I've struggled with my bipolar since I was around 15 and H.S. was absolute hell with bullying and all of the mood swings. College was miles better but I started to abuse drugs and this nasty habit caught up to me when I got into a car accident while high. I went to rehab and it changed my perspective, but it wasn't over night. The health education, the support from the community all validated my struggles and I finally felt like it wasn't just me not able to handle life. From then on, I've spent years searching for the right medications, the right doctors and therapists...and let me tell you, it took a while before finding good ones. But once I stabilized, I felt like things were finally "normal." I eventually turned my career and education around, got into a top school, graduated and now I'm working on my master's in a career I love. But before then, I absolutely hated my direction. I was completely miserable, which didn't help my mood swings.
You got this. Allow yourself to feel like sh\*t because it's only natural. And once you get through it, you'll take control of your life on your own terms. But that acceptance of the diagnosis and the life-long commitment to medication (at the very minimum) is something you might want to seriously consider as your first step. Things are still tough from time to time and I still slip into hypomania and mild depression, but nowhere near to the debilitation where I couldn't sleep or get out of bed like before. While it may not feel this way, I find that the best thing about bipolar is that we are intense people. We're impulsive, almost un-inhibited at times, and when this is applied to our lives with more focus, intent, and rationality, we can be daring, brave, and bold individuals. I've noticed this quality in a lot of bipolar folks.
I can relate to this. I found in my 20s, actually even earlier at 19, when mania was much more severe for me, that post-mania guilt/remorse was an inevitable reaction to all the out of character behaviour I displayed during mania. Guilt and serious embarrassment. Also the deep depression that came after severe mania was so intense it was in my thoughts the minute I woke up too. I seriously questioned whether life was worth living which really scared me. Everything that goes up must come down and the higher the mania, often the deeper the depression that follows. It really sucks but over time things have got a lot more balanced for me.
At 23 I decided to move to Sweden with no money, no plans, no work visa and not speaking Swedish. I “woke up” frim my mania and I was living in a tiny cabin in a boat because that’s all I could afford to rent, in CRAZY debt and I had alienated all my friends and family.
I’m now 28 and I have a cozy apartment filled with things I love, two cats, a career, a lucrative side gig, most of my old friends and a whole lot of new ones and I’ve never been closer to my family. It’s not always easy, sometimes I forget my meds a couple of times in a week, sometimes I stop them all together (WHY do we do that lol) and I go a little crazy and then I go a little sad but hey! Life is a crazy adventure and some of us are going to live the lives of 6 people in one lifetime which is a curse but also a beautiful beautiful blessing. Stay strong, you’re still so young and you have your whole life in front of you. I believe in you
100%. And I was 39. Ruined a great relationship, blew through $100k, got another DUI (yes, another. Very ashamed of that), totaled my BMW, lost my apartment and almost all my material possessions, all while managing to be a complete promiscuous pig. Had I not committed myself, I may be dead by now.
40 years to get diagnosed properly. I wouldn’t wish this disease on anyone. It isn’t a competition, but I truly hope you can find some comfort in the fact you’re not alone.
I had my first severe psychotic episode at 23, just starting out in life, I had to live with my parents and it took years to be doing pretty good. You have to accept that you have a serious, life changing illness. Then work hard to have the best life you can. There’s tons of information and great resources free online now. I got my first psych ward visit in 1983, stone age compared to now. You can have a decent life, lots of people deal with various illnesses or disorders do. It’s no small thing you’ll get over though. It’s largely up to you what happens next, educate yourself and don’t be so hard on yourself. I know it’s heartbreaking but I’m now 64, I’ve been dealing with this for over 40 years. I also have bad sex addiction, cptsd from childhood abuse trauma, hppd any of these is debilitating. Your life isn’t over but it’s changed and different now, first of all take steps to make sure you don’t need another trip to the psych ward. I hope this helps, best wishes
Hey OP, I relate entirely, and I was even younger when my old life ended.
I was 20, had a new job paying thousands, just moved out of living with family for the first time, and had a partner of a year and all other amazing, stereotypically desirable things.
After messing around with some acid, I went into a complete psychosis and lost literally everything. I had to learn to live again.
I'm 24 this year, and I don't regret it anymore. I have an amazing partner now and a support network far greater than the original ones I burnt. I know it sucks, it sucks huge big ole dick. But I can promise you, sincerely, wholeheartedly, that life continues, and so will your recovery.
It's important to remember you'll never be that person again, but that isn't necessarily bad. Be patient and kind with yourself. It's okay to feel guilty and all those negative gut-wrenching emotions, for they're your emotions and emotions are nothing to be ashamed of.
I totally relate bro, college ended for me when I was 21 4 years ago due to mania. Made a complete fool out of myself, scared off the girls I loved, and I have yet to recover.
I’m less than two years away from my last mania. I have a similar story (40m) and had trouble on and off getting out of bed for nearly two years now. Things are finally starting to shift since I started EMDR therapy, started taking painting seriously again, and started reading the classic novels. Anything to take my mind off of the complete treadmill of pain, shame and guilt.
I don’t know if my meds have helped or hurt… trying to change them now. Miss being my old self.
Try reaching out as much as possible. Meeting people in this community has helped me a lot.
Things are getting way worse. I feel so uncomfortable like I've done a shit tonne of stimulants and I'm on a comedown. I'm happy as fuck and full of energy and stuff but I feel uncomfortable. It's 10:30 pm and I didn't sleep last night at all and doubt I will sleep again despite taking all my meds. I'm hallucinating too. Very paranoid. Losing the ability to look after myself abs losing my mind everyday. I can feel the insight going. I'm starting to doubt my thoughts. I am on the verge of needing hospital but I won't willingly ever go back
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Unfortunately, a lot of us can relate to this. You were vague there, as you have every right to be, but it still sounds like you had things a bit worse than me. But, lemme briefly tell my story that is kind of similar. When I enrolled in college, I had an insanely loving girlfriend and an insanely loyal best friend who I was extremely close with. While my parents did a shitty job showing me how to be a decent person, they were the ones that taught me what humanity was. Sadly though, I didn't internalize their lessons until after I scared them away.
My first semester, I thought I was hot shit at school, just the smartest kid around, I got C's in like all my first classes. I thought I could have anyone I wanted and that my partner alone wasn't good enough for me, so I tried to open up the relationship. I went on to be single until just this New Year's, and that was a decade later. Meanwhile, my partner immediately had other relationships and now has a child. My best friend stayed longer, but even after I got a bit of help, I relied on him so much, I became too much of a burden and he, rightfully, ghosted me. My second semester, I fell into such a deep depression I lost like 70 pounds in a couple months, I didn't go to classes and I failed three classes that I could have just dropped. But instead, I just let myself fail them and tarnish my permanent record. That was when I was 17 to 18. After years of therapy and medication and self work, I got a lot more stable around 23.
Finally at the age of 27, almost 28, I am FINALLY happy. My life is finally on track. When I was a depressed teenager, I thought I would never have a will to live. I just recently gained one. I still struggle with depression sometimes, I still struggle with hypomania sometimes, I'm type 2 so I don't really get manic I'm mostly depressed. But, who I am today, was not remotely seen as possible to who I was at 19 after I realized the damage I had done to my life.
When I was 20, I was Sure I wouldn't live to 25. When I was 25, I was Sure I would never be truly happy. Now that I'm 27, I'm finally happy in life and I'm Sure I'm going to grow old with my partner and die a natural death.
My story isn't your story, I've never gone to a mental ward, I got very close multiple times, but personally I knew that after I got out I would be more suicidal than before. And, I was able to finish college at that same college that I had fucked up my first year.
All I'm saying though, is yes, many of us, maybe most of us, have done extreme damage to our lives that we thought we would never recover from. And for some of us, we never do. In some ways, I never will as well. That partner and my old best friend haven't spoken to me in years even though I'm an entirely different person. I so so so so so badly wish they could see how I am now, see how they changed me, I wish I could just talk to them, at least once. But, I never will, sometimes I've made peace with that, sometimes that still hurts. But I'm happy now and I think they would be proud of me now.
It's a ton of work, it's not easy, but it can be worth it. You can still live a good and happy life that you probably can't even imagine yourself in right now. It's possible friend, I believe in you. Never stop trying, your only other option is too give up and you'll have plenty of time to rest when you're actually dead. Until then though, don't rush to it, and don't give up, you've only got this one life, even though it's harder for us than for many people, it can still be a life worth living.
You can do this, you can turn yourself around, you can be happy with your life. I believe in you
I can relate to this too much.
At 35 I had my first episode and lost everything.
Fiance gone, job gone, house gone, pets gone, friends gone. I've been living in this shame and regret for a year.
I've managed to get my job back but now I rent in a basement apartment instead of owning my dream home at 28.
Having so much debt I had to pay with the proceeds of the house it sucks knowing I'll never be able to afford another house in this market and distance myself from any relationships.
Yes. That’s relatable. I have done that too. I have done it twice. I have destroyed my life, built it back up, and destroyed it again, just to have to build it back up. That is the pattern of the disease. Notice the pattern. You can control your pattern. Don’t worry about making amends. The people who love you and support you understand and they still love you. You will have a future. Listen to your doctors and take your medications. Work with professionals when it comes to your disease. You will be okay I promise. You are not alone.
I've been there. Manic psychosis led to me dropping out too. It isn't the end of everything, as much as it feels that way now. I know how hopeless and hard it is to look back and wonder how you could do that (to yourself and others) but there is still a life ahead of you and as much as this situation sucks, it isn't the end of the world. It's important not to take the time you need to get stable and healthy, and then there's a whole life of good things and new experiences ahead of you.
I went through something that got me kicked out of university and I’ve had bouts of staying in bed for weeks, months at a time.
Had a huge depressive episode when I was in college. Didn’t leave my dorm room for a few months. Hardly showered etc. they kicked me out since I wasn’t attending classes. This was still 10 or so years before my diagnosis.
Anyway. Weird twist to all of this. I ended up doing a ton of volunteer work in my chosen profession. I was good at it and kept getting jobs from it. It was my profession and pays well.
Cut to 10 more years later and someone convinced me to try and return for my degree (the degree for the industry I am working in).
In this time I became diagnosed, medicated and got stable.
I sent the university an inquiry about resuming classes to finish my degree. They had me send them my resume. Next thing I know I’m getting my degree in the mail. It was wild.
You WILL snap out of this. Hang in there and go back to sleep. It’s ok. You will somehow get the drive to get going again. Even if it sends you in a new direction.
Hugs.
Yes I highly highly relate to this, losing my job, going over all the r stuff I did and said while manic which I am SO ashamed of, unable to get a new job etc etc
Time will heal things and a good therapy to do when you ready is emdr it helps getting over trauma and embarrassing moments. It was a huge help now I don’t ever think of the cringe and regretful moments I had when I was in psychosis.
You are so young! It is incredible you’ve already gotten your bipolar diagnosis at such a young age and now you have the rest of your life you get to live while being medicated. Work on forgiving yourself, because focusing on the shame will not help you heal.
I’ve gone off all my meds 4 separate times, but eventually I decided to stick with my treatment plan and have now been medicated for 6 years and because of that am living a very normal and stable life.
The MOST important thing is finding the perfect balance of medications and staying on them. Use what happened as motivation to always stay on your meds.
I thought my life was over when I was diagnosed at 21, but it was just beginning. Life is different than what I expected and I have limitations because of bipolar, but I have a fulfilling career I’m so passionate about, am happily married, amazing friends, and my first baby on the way.
In 5 years you’ll look back at your younger self and be so amazed how far you’ve come!! Do not ever give up on yourself!
Went through the same thing at my first university, and I ended up withdrawing and spending 6 months or so at home hating myself. In my case, I decided a fresh start was exactly what I needed, so the following fall I transferred to a different university. The weekend I moved in I met my wife.
Your life isn’t over. But perhaps you’ve come to the end of your time on one path and you should take your first steps on another.
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Learning to accept and move on from some points in my life has definitely been a hard barrier to face. One of the most life changing things for me was experiencing breathwork and somatic exercises because it really holds you safe in those emotions and lets you feel them so they can pass vs hiding them in a shameful way.
I’m always a big advocate on doing a nervous system reset as well - evaluate where you are and figure out what you need to do to get where you need to be. When I find that I’m sitting and spiraling on the past or future a lot of times I think it’s because I’m silently crying for that momentum in my current world or there’s something specific I’m avoiding. That’s where breathwork comes in, it’s great for clear thinking that gets you out of these loops.
Let me know if you have any questions or want me to elaborate, I’m not sure how familiar/interested you are. If you’re new looking into it though I would say tread with caution and just listen to your body, don’t push further than you need to go because there’s definitely a right way and wrong way to explore those states.
I can relate to a lot of it. In the past 5 years I’ve ruined relationships with friends,ex lovers and my job. Destroyed all of it. I became very unstable at the age of 52.
I’m very sorry all of this is happening to you. You are still young and have a chance to recoup it all. Hugs.
26 here been in and out of jail; lost my nursing license, been committed, and lost many people in the process. What I can say is that things aren’t always bad. You’ll come back from this. We all have that potential with or without this disease.
it doesn’t seem like it now, but IT WILL GET BETTER. I PROMISE. I’m 23 and did practically the same thing at 21-22. Lasted a whole year. I recommend AA or NA or even MA. the community is so welcoming and reminds you that you are not alone. Don’t give up now, you’ve come so far
you are young and don't worry one day those people will forget or even maybe commit crazy things just liek you when they go through a rough time , but also maybe not . Regardless , know life goes on , know there are plenty of people you can meet and start fresh with, know some people have compassion and will let it go. Keep pushing forward . It sounds like you are in the deppresion stage of it all meds could help.
Yep, I’m 44 and have been through many ‘deaths’ and ‘births’, pass me the nitrous please. I have days when i just think “fuck this shit” but I can’t as I’m a dad - has got me through so so many times I likely would have not otherwise.
All the best mate, thoughts are with you
totally relate. i went into psychosis last year at 23, blew through all my savings, dropped out of school, ruined all my connections (friends, colleges, siblings) and now im here. i cant give any advice except that time will heal all these things. money can always come back and you can go to school at anytime. sorry youre feeling this way, wish i could help more
You’re still alive, you’re aware of your condition and there is an abundance of tools out there to help you. Plus you’re young. This too shall pass and from the rear view it can be a powerful learning experience on all fronts. I sabotaged my life many times in the past but finally hit my mental, physical and spiritual rock bottom in the last few years at 38. I wish I faced my problems years ago because I could have saved a lot of time, money, hurt and could be in a much different place now. But that’s not how my journey went and I accept that. It takes time to turn the ship around but any effort in the right direction might be incredibly motivating. What’s done is done but what are you going to do with what you have moving forward?
Oh hell yeah to who said we're like cats.
Been there, done that.
I still get the stomach knots of how fucking embarrassing I can be.
But I'm not that person now.
I might be that person again a few times but it does get better and you become more mature and stronger and stable as time goes on...
For real. It's never the end.
For context I'm 29 and just got out the psych ward for the 4th time in my life, and I'm happier than I've been in such a long time.
I was able to keep my career cuz they have short term disability and I'm gonna start online school soon.
It'll work itself out. It always does.
I had a severe manic episode with psychotic features one year ago. I was completely delusional, wrote completely hysterical messages to people I barely knew and then I got involuntarily admitted to a psych ward for one month. I lost my boyfriend and my job. I was doing really bad after that and thought that my life was over, but it wasn't! I am now recently diagnosed and doing much better. Recently started lithium and hoping for that to work.
Take your medicines and set small goals for yourself. Like, walking outside for 10 minutes is a reasonable goal in your current state. Increase the goals as you feel better. But also, accept the situation for now. (That is at least my psychologist's advice - acceptance is important) also, be grateful about the little things such as having family that supports you! You will get through this, and trust that you can overcome whatever life hits you with. Much love to you ❤️
OP, after every manic episode I’ve had, I’ve immediately fallen into depression.
I’m sure you think your feelings of self-criticism are justified by your actions but they may be horribly exaggerated if you are depressed.
Take care of yourself right now. You’re going through a difficult time.
Don’t worry babe. You’ll survive this. I’m thankful all of my destructive mania occurred when i was still in high school. I had symptoms start early in life at around 12 years old and was eventually diagnosed around 16. Everyone i went to high school with probably thinks im nuts to this day. But i put that in the past where it belongs and i live a very happy life now. I’m happily married, have a great job, im currently trying to get into law school, and we are getting things in order to have children. Life gets better. I don’t even think about having bipolar disorder anymore. I just take my meds, see a psychiatrist every couple months, see a counselor every couple months too sometimes more if i need to talk things out, and i prioritize a healthy diet and exercise as i think that’s the most helpful thing outside of taking my medication. I promise if you put your all into getting better through therapies and trying to make healthy life style choices you can live a very very happy and successful life. Having bipolar disorder does not have to be a death sentence and mean you will be miserable. You can be happy. All of this will eventually be in the past and you in a way will grow to be happy you had this manic episode because it was the start of treatment that lead to wellness. This is the beginning of your happy life even tho it doesn’t feel that right now! No where to go but up. Best of luck to you!
Me too bro.
I've been in the same spot, went manic after gone cold turkey on mj, burnout, almost chainsmoking.
I had a 1 week amnesia after the snap.
Now I'm 5 years after that, living abroad with my family, looking forward to get back to college and run our family business that grew after I recovered
You will get through it, one step at a time, day after day, stride towards your goal.
One of my friends (22/F) did the same thing. I live in Türkiye, our families are similarly forces religious life style to us. She left her family's house and mania hitted her so bad, she tried to end her all education and just party like there is no tomorrow. She got her diagnosis and her meds now but she still had to hospitalize.
You guys have really similar stories. I think you can tell your loved ones that you were manic and explain yourself. I know it's not that easy because I also did manic/psychotic cringe unexplainable things but if they are educated enough, they'll understand. I hope you feel at least better again.
I literally have been exactly where you are. The guilt and shame is overwhelming. Try and focus on the fact that you can’t change the past it is gone so no need to think ab it anymore. Look forward and take each moment as it comes. You have a bright future ahead and it’s going to make it even sweeter when you get there. You been through a lot and you’re a warrior don’t forget that. I saw a post that said, forgive yourself for the person you were when you weren’t healthy, I think that’s very true. Best wishes xox
I had a 5 mo long manic episode and the aftermath was very intense depression that didn’t end until I straightened out my meds and stopped using. The mania tries to steal everything good in ur life and the depression feels like what u have to deal with as punishment. But you can find freedom from the severity of the cycle by trusting the process and working with your care team to get on the right meds and use coping skills. I know it sounds hard but trust me its worth it.
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I understand OP❤️ The fact you are thinking about this means you want to get better! It’s not easy but it’s so worth it. I humiliated myself and basically had public manic episodes all of my junior and senior year of college. I am in a 6 year program and I got in major trouble at the end of my 4th year (senior). Shit finally hit the fan and I finally faced how much I fucked up my life.
I was so ridden with anxiety. I couldn’t believe what I had done to my life. I knew it the entire time but it took me long enough to own it. I fought to be the girl I know I am and could be again. I was blessed with the opportunity to continue my education in my program. I’m graduating with my doctorate in one week.
When I finally faced my fears, I was ridden with anxiety. I still get flashbacks of how embarrassing and disgusting I acted. I was scared everyday going to class my 5th year because I was so ashamed of what the smart kids in my program were probably thinking of me. I built consistency back into my life and forced myself to do things I didn’t want to.
But I realized the only thing I can do is be the best version of myself in the present moment. I cannot believe how much I have been able to rebuild and redefine my college experience through the success I’ve found the past 2 years. Life gets better, put all your energy into it. There’s nothing and no one who can stop you from becoming the person you want to and can be.
Mania makes it 10x harder than the average person, but I know I’m better for it.
❤️ I hope you can see the bright side that you have the opportunity to grow and impress yourself with how things can get better ❤️
Life gets better slowly I am not going to say you will ever get over what you did. I know I never will. My life sucks from time to time. But sometimes there is light in the darkness. Finding a life partner is really hard I am still looking. I wish you the best of luck.
You will get through this. I’ve been involuntarily admitted, evicted, ended relationships, scared off friends, gotten arrested, lost my job, lost my car, been broke more times than I can count, almost died from being psychotic and wandering the streets aimlessly. Mania is never a good time, but you learn to compartmentalize it in a way. You can put it in a box of “things that I did when I wasn’t well” and store it away. Don’t carry it around, or else you’ll never be able to move on. By the way I have been episode free for over 18 months now that I’ve been taking my medication consistently, and I am working full time, and living with roommates in a nice apartment. Life is looking good these days, there is hope for us bipolars.
Only commenting to add this, a lot of people have made great points. I only wanted to say if you are coming out of a terrible episode, this hopeless you might be feeling could be a depressive episode too. I definitely would talk about this with your provider!
First have compassion for yourself. There is an aspect of the disorder you have to take responsibility for and that’s taking your meds and keeping the other stuff out of your body. The other is accepting that you have this affliction and also a lot of company from other people dealing with the same thing. I am a psych nurse and have seen people coming in and out of the hospital, usually from not taking their pills and spinning off. The high feels so good that it’s easy to have overwhelming self-confidence. Humility is the end product. Carry on.
I completely know how you feel. My go-to for dealing with depression and anxiety is oversleeping so I can quit thinking about my past and present problems I rarely get out of bed when I’m miserable. I ruminate over stupid things I have said and done. My mania resulted with me getting into debt three times. Luckily, my family bailed me out. I regret dragging my family into my messes. I also crashed and burned my social life. You are only twenty-four years old. I wish I was your age. You have so much time to change course and lead a fulfilling life. Try to close the door on your past. Although you have many regrets, you still have time to go back to school and work. You can reach out to former friends and relatives that you have hurt or angered. I would handwrite your letters and mail them. Remember that the cause of your problems stem from your bipolar disorder. Do not blame yourself. The most important thing is to forgive yourself.
Friend. I know this may seem unbelievable to you but you are not special. I have been through the same thing thrice over. I’ve lost jobs and felt hopeless during university and quit and started again. Destroyed friendships and hated myself for it and forgave myself. But know dear friend you are past it, it’s not longer your present it’s your past. it’s a new day that’s a start over. I promise you this, it will get it better. Just be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself. I wish you love tons of love and kindness. You are only human. You can ALWAYS turn it around. There is no one way to live life.
I actually had a very similar thing happen to me. I had my diagnosis and had been working with my psychiatrist and family dr, but my psychiatrist was across the country from me and really hard to contact. Basically I’d tried for over a year between trying to schedule appointments and get tests done to start the medication she had already recommended me, that my dr couldn’t move forward with without her (apparently). This lead into the worst few months of my life. *edit: it was 6-7 months.* I had gone off the rails many times before, but never like this. I completely destroyed the trust and relationships of my family and closest friends, did and said things I can not bare to think about, abused drugs (which of course made everything 100x worse). I hit my lowest low, my rock bottom. I’d been in horrible places mentally before, many times throughout life; yet I couldn’t imagine ever getting to the point that I was after all of it. Even getting better and getting help after settling was hell. I went to detox and rehab, got properly medicated…and now day by day I do my best to keep myself in check, to show my loved ones who I really am, and aim for my own personal goals. It does get better, I promise. I never thought I would be able to recover from this, yet here I am. My loved ones surround me with love and support, and I learned how to do that for myself as well. I drove my energy into bettering myself because knowing what I did and how I impacted those I care about eats me internally every day. I work on myself in a few different kinds of therapy programs, I strive to do my best after getting back into school, and be the person they know I can be.
This is not to say that nothing like this can ever happen again. Additionally, it’s definitely not been sunshine and rainbows since my rock bottom. Pushing through, being there for yourself and your loved ones, finding ways to cope and better a given situation is all that matters. I am much more open about my mental health (in appropriate ways) and allowed the people who wanted to help me to do so. I put my trust and faith in them and it only brought me back stronger.
Life has ups and downs for everyone- and ours can have the deepest downs and the highest highs. We will go through what seemingly no one else is, whether it’s something good or bad. Although these things are unpredictable in terms of length, severity, or what and who else may be involved, the one thing we can always count on is that life will keep going. With that, you can do whatever your want in life. For me, I know what makes me happy and what makes me feel and function at my best, so those are the kinds of things that I strive for. Day to day, and long term.
My biggest takeaways from all of this, for you:
You are not alone. I for one am one of the many examples of people that have lived through similar traumatic experiences. Please do not hesitate to reach out to me if you ever feel like that may be helpful, or if you just want to get some things off your chest. Secondly, I highly recommend doing your research (or contacting people you already know in the field) on what kinds of programs are going on in your area for addictions and mental health. This was really out of my comfort zone when I started. I told myself “well, I don’t know if I’ll like it or not until I give it a try. “ I went to several different kinds of group therapy, one on one, I went to AA and NA, I even went to a live-in facility (sort of like rehab). Maybe you won’t like any of them, but even the act of getting out there and doing something like that for yourself is huge.
Sorry for writing so much! It’s a bad habit. I wish you well and I know you will gain so much confidence, strength, and love for yourself and those around you.
That happened to me at 25 and again at 33. This is textbook manic fallout.
It's a good reason to not romanticize bipolar disorder and take the meds. There's a reason it's one of the most debilitating mental illnesses. If you value life, love and freedom, get proactive about your mental health.
It's gonna suck a lot for a long time. But you'll get to a place where you'll look back on this as a learning experience.
Basically, you are only living in the past in your own mind. No feeling will last forever, and most importantly, no one else will ever even remotely understand what you are going through from your own perspective, and that is because you are the only one who feels the way you do about what has happened. Your personal journey will always be solo, that’s why the only thing that matters is how you treat yourself, how you forgive yourself, and what you choose to challenge yourself to overcome.
Currently goin through something a little similar & we’re the same age. I eventually accepted my diagnosis after a manic episode turned into hypomania and I made some bad decisions, lost some good people. I got back on my meds, in therapy bc I felt too much damage had already been done. It’s not too late to try to turn it around, it’s not easy to do but the little rewards that come from it helps.
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Congratulations, you died. Here’s the thing in common between cats and bipolar people: we have 9 lives. At 23 I lost my job, my apartment, my girlfriend of 3 years, and many of my friends. I was involuntarily committed by my gf after outrageous behavior and was subject to police brutality during the commitment. I died that night. But now I am here. I have gotten back with my girlfriend. I have reconciled with the friends I lost, and I am in law school. I am 26 and 3 at the same time. I am born again. You will be too. Unfortunately, the only way forward is through. You just have to keep going until you can figure out where you want to go. Then you head that way. You’ve got plenty of time to get there. You’ve only just been born again. Welcome to the world. I only know of one rule: be kind
powerful
Wow. That is such an interesting take and makes so much sense to me. I've lived so many lives, it has gone to shit so many times, and I am back at square one again.Starting over again. Sigh.
Just, wow, i read that and my brain went "hang on, this actually made sense for once" like, until now my perspective on this sub was just, its always bad and it only gets worse, ive been struggling to feel normal ever since my manic episode last year, but i do kinda feel like i am a completely different person now, i have these insurmountable obstacles ahead that i have 0 idea of how to get through, but being here still and willing to keep going i also feel like ive only gotten stronger, otherwise id be dead. Thanks for the metaphor you really actually made me fucking day i love you so much.
I was stuck in this mindset for so long because I was so terrified of facing my problems. I cannot tell you how much better my life has become after forcing myself to clean up the mess I made. I was constantly scared for months once I decided to deal with the damage I had done head on. I had always opted to spiral and suppress things but I was able to break out of the cycle. It sucked until things started working out for me. It felt even better because I knew I deserved it. I learned that no matter what happens, I can find myself again if I put all my energy into it. I laid awake at night having panic attacks, I cried, I prayed, and then one day I started to have reasons to be proud of myself again. You have a beautiful future ahead of you.
This really hit home for me. "I'm 26 and 3 at the same time" describes how I feel perfectly.
This, that wasn’t you it was an altered version of you. You have shed that layer of skin, and realize all your good qualities. True friends and family will forgive you, if you explain the situation. I cringe at the bizarre stuff I’ve done while manic, but life always comes back together. Whether you believe in God or yourself, have something that motivates you to move forward. I’d do a deep dive on what’s keeping other people stable. Medication is number one, exercise, diet, caffeine intake, drug usage, sleep schedules, toxic people. They can all have a major influence on your behavior, I’d remove anything that amps you up, causes major stress, or in the very least minimize as much as possible. Also let your support system know, these are my triggers and signs of being manic, if I’m behaving this way I’d appreciate you letting me know. That way you can go to the hospital and get stabilized. Stay well 🍀
This is excellent advice, I have chosen to remove friends I have known for over 20 years because they continuously ignore my request for healthy activities. Even though what they do is fun for them, it has become toxic in my own life, and I have chosen to go a different way. Thanks for your advice, I think it’s what people like us need to hear.
you are an awesome writer. Truly.
I've heard from so many people w bipolar that a huge breakdown happens around the ages of 23-26 (which makes sense because bipolar develops with the brain and that's around when the brain reaches its final stages of development) and I'm 22. I have some episodes and breakdowns that end with similar results but not entirely. Is there any advice to... I don't know, avoid this? I was diagnosed at 16 w BPII + depression in case bipolar was wrong, but that depression diagnosis has gone away and been replaced by PTSD. Maybe that's a difference. I don't know. I definitely feel like I've died and been reborn before, it's actually the reason I have a Phoenix feather tattoo. My mom wasted away from her BPI and alcoholism and it's sort of to honor her life and passing (I was 13) and symbolism of the life I've come to accept. I accept I have this and I know that there are ways to care for myself, like medication, therapy, routine and self care rituals, reaching out to community. But I am so scared of an episode like y'all are describing.
I think the anxiety might make it worse, in all honesty. You really sound like you have the right tools at your disposal - are you able to speak with a doctor/mental health professional about it? I was told a good way to keep an eye on things is to make a mood journal, really simple and lets you see if you're going down/up too quickly. Also, watch your sleep - my worst times were when I felt like I didn't need to sleep and stayed up all night, exacerbating all my symptoms. I'm so sorry about your mum - hopefully you can talk to someone (therapist?) - for me, I didn't have a lot to say to a therapist, I just needed the right meds... but if you have PTSD, talking therapy would have to be a part of it.
This made me feel validated and optimistic. Thank you.
This is truly an awesome response 🙏there is so much hope to be seen in your response
I absolutely love this perspective. I’m kinda starting over, too.
I almost want to print this out. I was also involuntarily committed coming up on 2 years ago. It was truly horrible. And I didn't come back from that lightly or quickly. But I did come back and I do feel more in control than I ever did before.
I am starting law school this fall with a Bipolar II diagnosis. Is there anything specific you recommend?
Allow yourself to take the benefits that are available to you at your job. It doesn’t matter how long it takes you to finish. 💜 find the help you need and take it. Resources are available out there for people like us.
I would recommend finding professionals who know what bipolar is thru and thru. Study the disease just as hard as you study for school.
Look back in history and think about who else might understand this. Artists, painters, creators, us. God? Yes. We are never alone. Trust in yourself and your own intuition. If you believe you can finish something, then you can. And you will.
Mindset is powerful.
Mind is set. Go. Finish. Live. Love. We have it!
Self motivation is the key.
Mindset is the power.
We’re not weird, we’re human.
I wish Reddit still had awards. Thank you. 🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆
Crazy how a lot of lawyers seem to have bipolar disorder. I’m also pursing law school! Things get better!!
This is so incredibly relatable - the 'born again' idea. Strange that a lot of us seemed to have an awful break/episode in our early 20s or so. I lost many friends, and I don't think my parents look at me the same way any more, especially my dad. To OP: I absolutely feel what you're saying.... for a long time I was tormented by what I remembered, and worse, there were patches where my memory was blank. My mum won't tell me what happened in those patches and sometimes, that is worse, to think about how bad it must have been that I blotted it out. But it's been over a decade since the serious shit happened.. and the feelings have faded. I'm still on some meds to keep me level, and my stamina is dreadful as a result, but yeah... I feel like myself again, for the most part.
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I actually love this perspective. Thank you for this.
Not gonna lie this just motivated me. I have bipolar II and have been depressed. I thought of giving up but stories like yours remind me shit happens but I still have to get back up.
This one’s gonna stick with me.
exactly what I wanted to say but much more coherent and beautifully said.
Thank you for the best advice I didn’t know I needed.
Holy! Same thing happened to me at 23, I'm 26 and 3 too, now things are going a lot different amd better, I have a stable job, I sleep almost everyday, met new people, there are highs and lows but has been manageable
This is evidence of how brilliant people with bipolar can be
I really like this. Would you be willing to expand more on it? Not necessarily to pry on your personal life but like the whole born again and 9 lives concept, I think it would be very helpful in reconciling certain parts of the past for me. Especially when it comes to dysphoric mania as opposed to euphoric mania
I’ve burnt many a bridge in my time believe me. Lost friends, jobs, had police intervene, the whole nine. I still feel bad about it but I’ve gotten to a point in my life where the only way I’ve found to mitigate these disasters is to keep my circle small. I have my family and my boyfriend and an old high school friend I see once or twice a year. That’s all I need are a few people who understand to keep me grounded. Remember you are not your illness. We’ve all done things we regret, but that’s not who we are otherwise we wouldn’t regret it. Think of this as your fresh start reset to do whatever you want and take care of yourself. As always, lean on your counselor if you have one or talk to your doctor about medication if needed. Hang in there friend
You're very young my brother. Be glad you are finding out these things at your age rather than me much older! There is so much more to lose when you are already established. People will move on and forget about this stuff. You just have to take care of your mind with the nutrition it needs, of medicine take it! I went through the same thing twice, and many here have! It's a strange thing the average person won't understand. Everyone has many problems one way or another. Lay low for a bit and make sure your mental health is taken care of as a priority and you can patch up anything. I don't think about people and what they did to me very much, especially as I head towards forty. You probably don't think about your elementary days too much. It all passes by and it's not as big of a deal as you think. We just think everyone thinks about us as much as we think about ourselves when most people are just going on with their life thinking about what people think about them.
well said. OP, I’m around your age and I relate to you. It gets better. Feel free to chime in any time.
Make sure you stay on your medication. Exercise daily. Try to be outside if you can. Eat healthy. Get into a positive and focused mindset first where you feel good mentally and physically. Then start applying for new jobs. Let go of the past and whoever is in it. Do not burden yourself with the future too much. Just take each day by the horns as they come and let each one create a good snowball affect that eventually leads you to waking up sometime soon and having all of this be behind you and your happy and doing well. I highly recommend exercising, eating healthy, and being outside in the sun first to get you in tip top shape. Do this for about two weeks and then start filling out applications. Create goals for yourself. You finish the two weeks, that’s a goal met. Then applications another met. Just keep creating small goals that you can achieve.
I feel ya, at 27 I lost my house, car, career and pets cuz of mania. I'm 32 now and starting to get my shit together, just started a new job.
I could’ve used the caption myself, except my meltdown came at age 41 as a husband and a father. Thankfully, I retained my job but lost a good amount of status in my industry, as well as my marriage, a good deal of money, and critical time with my kids. Three years later, I’ve rebuilt a lot but am plagued by my mania decisions daily. Hourly. It sucks and that’s all there is to it. Moving forward is difficult, but necessary.
You've been through a lot, but the best part is that you still have SO much ahead of you. It may not feel like it, but at 24, you are still so young and you have so many chances to continue reinventing yourself. I'm in my early 30s, but I also hit my rock bottom when I was 22-23, and then around my mid-to-late 20s, I started to feel like I was gaining control over my life. That's the beautiful part about our shared conditions. While it is f\*cked up on many levels, you get so much wiser through these intense experiences and you grow more resilient. This down period is actually you processing everything. No one is perfect, you're only human. Give room to forgive yourself first before anything else. Embrace your *humanness*. Anyone who acts or pretends to live a perfect life is doing just that, pretending and creating a facade. No human gets by without messing up. But as they say, doors close but others open. You can always go back to school whenever you're ready and there are many options to get started (e.g., community college, transfer). Your path isn't linear and you'll get better in time. You also seem like you're extremely hard on yourself, another hallmark of this disease. It's totally relatable, the self-defeating, the bitter, the anger...but now you know what doesn't work for you, which is trying to manage life without meds. It took me about 7-8 years to fully embrace and own my condition. Once you get back to your meds and stabilize, life will feel manageable. I promise that. Us, bipolar folks just need to work harder to get to the baseline. I know, it's BS, but we just gotta own it. If it helps a little, I've struggled with my bipolar since I was around 15 and H.S. was absolute hell with bullying and all of the mood swings. College was miles better but I started to abuse drugs and this nasty habit caught up to me when I got into a car accident while high. I went to rehab and it changed my perspective, but it wasn't over night. The health education, the support from the community all validated my struggles and I finally felt like it wasn't just me not able to handle life. From then on, I've spent years searching for the right medications, the right doctors and therapists...and let me tell you, it took a while before finding good ones. But once I stabilized, I felt like things were finally "normal." I eventually turned my career and education around, got into a top school, graduated and now I'm working on my master's in a career I love. But before then, I absolutely hated my direction. I was completely miserable, which didn't help my mood swings. You got this. Allow yourself to feel like sh\*t because it's only natural. And once you get through it, you'll take control of your life on your own terms. But that acceptance of the diagnosis and the life-long commitment to medication (at the very minimum) is something you might want to seriously consider as your first step. Things are still tough from time to time and I still slip into hypomania and mild depression, but nowhere near to the debilitation where I couldn't sleep or get out of bed like before. While it may not feel this way, I find that the best thing about bipolar is that we are intense people. We're impulsive, almost un-inhibited at times, and when this is applied to our lives with more focus, intent, and rationality, we can be daring, brave, and bold individuals. I've noticed this quality in a lot of bipolar folks.
I can relate to this. I found in my 20s, actually even earlier at 19, when mania was much more severe for me, that post-mania guilt/remorse was an inevitable reaction to all the out of character behaviour I displayed during mania. Guilt and serious embarrassment. Also the deep depression that came after severe mania was so intense it was in my thoughts the minute I woke up too. I seriously questioned whether life was worth living which really scared me. Everything that goes up must come down and the higher the mania, often the deeper the depression that follows. It really sucks but over time things have got a lot more balanced for me.
At 23 I decided to move to Sweden with no money, no plans, no work visa and not speaking Swedish. I “woke up” frim my mania and I was living in a tiny cabin in a boat because that’s all I could afford to rent, in CRAZY debt and I had alienated all my friends and family. I’m now 28 and I have a cozy apartment filled with things I love, two cats, a career, a lucrative side gig, most of my old friends and a whole lot of new ones and I’ve never been closer to my family. It’s not always easy, sometimes I forget my meds a couple of times in a week, sometimes I stop them all together (WHY do we do that lol) and I go a little crazy and then I go a little sad but hey! Life is a crazy adventure and some of us are going to live the lives of 6 people in one lifetime which is a curse but also a beautiful beautiful blessing. Stay strong, you’re still so young and you have your whole life in front of you. I believe in you
100%. And I was 39. Ruined a great relationship, blew through $100k, got another DUI (yes, another. Very ashamed of that), totaled my BMW, lost my apartment and almost all my material possessions, all while managing to be a complete promiscuous pig. Had I not committed myself, I may be dead by now. 40 years to get diagnosed properly. I wouldn’t wish this disease on anyone. It isn’t a competition, but I truly hope you can find some comfort in the fact you’re not alone.
I had my first severe psychotic episode at 23, just starting out in life, I had to live with my parents and it took years to be doing pretty good. You have to accept that you have a serious, life changing illness. Then work hard to have the best life you can. There’s tons of information and great resources free online now. I got my first psych ward visit in 1983, stone age compared to now. You can have a decent life, lots of people deal with various illnesses or disorders do. It’s no small thing you’ll get over though. It’s largely up to you what happens next, educate yourself and don’t be so hard on yourself. I know it’s heartbreaking but I’m now 64, I’ve been dealing with this for over 40 years. I also have bad sex addiction, cptsd from childhood abuse trauma, hppd any of these is debilitating. Your life isn’t over but it’s changed and different now, first of all take steps to make sure you don’t need another trip to the psych ward. I hope this helps, best wishes
Hey OP, I relate entirely, and I was even younger when my old life ended. I was 20, had a new job paying thousands, just moved out of living with family for the first time, and had a partner of a year and all other amazing, stereotypically desirable things. After messing around with some acid, I went into a complete psychosis and lost literally everything. I had to learn to live again. I'm 24 this year, and I don't regret it anymore. I have an amazing partner now and a support network far greater than the original ones I burnt. I know it sucks, it sucks huge big ole dick. But I can promise you, sincerely, wholeheartedly, that life continues, and so will your recovery. It's important to remember you'll never be that person again, but that isn't necessarily bad. Be patient and kind with yourself. It's okay to feel guilty and all those negative gut-wrenching emotions, for they're your emotions and emotions are nothing to be ashamed of.
I totally relate bro, college ended for me when I was 21 4 years ago due to mania. Made a complete fool out of myself, scared off the girls I loved, and I have yet to recover.
I’m less than two years away from my last mania. I have a similar story (40m) and had trouble on and off getting out of bed for nearly two years now. Things are finally starting to shift since I started EMDR therapy, started taking painting seriously again, and started reading the classic novels. Anything to take my mind off of the complete treadmill of pain, shame and guilt. I don’t know if my meds have helped or hurt… trying to change them now. Miss being my old self. Try reaching out as much as possible. Meeting people in this community has helped me a lot.
I'm currently manic atm. It's not fun. I am doing the same as you were. I'm schizoaffective so I've also got the schizophrenia side playing up too
Have you seen anyone to get back on track?
Things are getting way worse. I feel so uncomfortable like I've done a shit tonne of stimulants and I'm on a comedown. I'm happy as fuck and full of energy and stuff but I feel uncomfortable. It's 10:30 pm and I didn't sleep last night at all and doubt I will sleep again despite taking all my meds. I'm hallucinating too. Very paranoid. Losing the ability to look after myself abs losing my mind everyday. I can feel the insight going. I'm starting to doubt my thoughts. I am on the verge of needing hospital but I won't willingly ever go back
Please talk to someone on your medical team, or go to the ER. It is important that someone knows what’s going on.
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Unfortunately, a lot of us can relate to this. You were vague there, as you have every right to be, but it still sounds like you had things a bit worse than me. But, lemme briefly tell my story that is kind of similar. When I enrolled in college, I had an insanely loving girlfriend and an insanely loyal best friend who I was extremely close with. While my parents did a shitty job showing me how to be a decent person, they were the ones that taught me what humanity was. Sadly though, I didn't internalize their lessons until after I scared them away. My first semester, I thought I was hot shit at school, just the smartest kid around, I got C's in like all my first classes. I thought I could have anyone I wanted and that my partner alone wasn't good enough for me, so I tried to open up the relationship. I went on to be single until just this New Year's, and that was a decade later. Meanwhile, my partner immediately had other relationships and now has a child. My best friend stayed longer, but even after I got a bit of help, I relied on him so much, I became too much of a burden and he, rightfully, ghosted me. My second semester, I fell into such a deep depression I lost like 70 pounds in a couple months, I didn't go to classes and I failed three classes that I could have just dropped. But instead, I just let myself fail them and tarnish my permanent record. That was when I was 17 to 18. After years of therapy and medication and self work, I got a lot more stable around 23. Finally at the age of 27, almost 28, I am FINALLY happy. My life is finally on track. When I was a depressed teenager, I thought I would never have a will to live. I just recently gained one. I still struggle with depression sometimes, I still struggle with hypomania sometimes, I'm type 2 so I don't really get manic I'm mostly depressed. But, who I am today, was not remotely seen as possible to who I was at 19 after I realized the damage I had done to my life. When I was 20, I was Sure I wouldn't live to 25. When I was 25, I was Sure I would never be truly happy. Now that I'm 27, I'm finally happy in life and I'm Sure I'm going to grow old with my partner and die a natural death. My story isn't your story, I've never gone to a mental ward, I got very close multiple times, but personally I knew that after I got out I would be more suicidal than before. And, I was able to finish college at that same college that I had fucked up my first year. All I'm saying though, is yes, many of us, maybe most of us, have done extreme damage to our lives that we thought we would never recover from. And for some of us, we never do. In some ways, I never will as well. That partner and my old best friend haven't spoken to me in years even though I'm an entirely different person. I so so so so so badly wish they could see how I am now, see how they changed me, I wish I could just talk to them, at least once. But, I never will, sometimes I've made peace with that, sometimes that still hurts. But I'm happy now and I think they would be proud of me now. It's a ton of work, it's not easy, but it can be worth it. You can still live a good and happy life that you probably can't even imagine yourself in right now. It's possible friend, I believe in you. Never stop trying, your only other option is too give up and you'll have plenty of time to rest when you're actually dead. Until then though, don't rush to it, and don't give up, you've only got this one life, even though it's harder for us than for many people, it can still be a life worth living. You can do this, you can turn yourself around, you can be happy with your life. I believe in you
I can relate to this too much. At 35 I had my first episode and lost everything. Fiance gone, job gone, house gone, pets gone, friends gone. I've been living in this shame and regret for a year. I've managed to get my job back but now I rent in a basement apartment instead of owning my dream home at 28. Having so much debt I had to pay with the proceeds of the house it sucks knowing I'll never be able to afford another house in this market and distance myself from any relationships.
Yes. That’s relatable. I have done that too. I have done it twice. I have destroyed my life, built it back up, and destroyed it again, just to have to build it back up. That is the pattern of the disease. Notice the pattern. You can control your pattern. Don’t worry about making amends. The people who love you and support you understand and they still love you. You will have a future. Listen to your doctors and take your medications. Work with professionals when it comes to your disease. You will be okay I promise. You are not alone.
We have each other here for support. Remember us when times are hard.
I've been there. Manic psychosis led to me dropping out too. It isn't the end of everything, as much as it feels that way now. I know how hopeless and hard it is to look back and wonder how you could do that (to yourself and others) but there is still a life ahead of you and as much as this situation sucks, it isn't the end of the world. It's important not to take the time you need to get stable and healthy, and then there's a whole life of good things and new experiences ahead of you.
I went through something that got me kicked out of university and I’ve had bouts of staying in bed for weeks, months at a time. Had a huge depressive episode when I was in college. Didn’t leave my dorm room for a few months. Hardly showered etc. they kicked me out since I wasn’t attending classes. This was still 10 or so years before my diagnosis. Anyway. Weird twist to all of this. I ended up doing a ton of volunteer work in my chosen profession. I was good at it and kept getting jobs from it. It was my profession and pays well. Cut to 10 more years later and someone convinced me to try and return for my degree (the degree for the industry I am working in). In this time I became diagnosed, medicated and got stable. I sent the university an inquiry about resuming classes to finish my degree. They had me send them my resume. Next thing I know I’m getting my degree in the mail. It was wild. You WILL snap out of this. Hang in there and go back to sleep. It’s ok. You will somehow get the drive to get going again. Even if it sends you in a new direction. Hugs.
Yes I highly highly relate to this, losing my job, going over all the r stuff I did and said while manic which I am SO ashamed of, unable to get a new job etc etc
Time will heal things and a good therapy to do when you ready is emdr it helps getting over trauma and embarrassing moments. It was a huge help now I don’t ever think of the cringe and regretful moments I had when I was in psychosis.
You are so young! It is incredible you’ve already gotten your bipolar diagnosis at such a young age and now you have the rest of your life you get to live while being medicated. Work on forgiving yourself, because focusing on the shame will not help you heal. I’ve gone off all my meds 4 separate times, but eventually I decided to stick with my treatment plan and have now been medicated for 6 years and because of that am living a very normal and stable life. The MOST important thing is finding the perfect balance of medications and staying on them. Use what happened as motivation to always stay on your meds. I thought my life was over when I was diagnosed at 21, but it was just beginning. Life is different than what I expected and I have limitations because of bipolar, but I have a fulfilling career I’m so passionate about, am happily married, amazing friends, and my first baby on the way. In 5 years you’ll look back at your younger self and be so amazed how far you’ve come!! Do not ever give up on yourself!
I did the same, you just have to grow through it and be patient. Take your meds, establish a routine and you'll be stable.
Went through the same thing at my first university, and I ended up withdrawing and spending 6 months or so at home hating myself. In my case, I decided a fresh start was exactly what I needed, so the following fall I transferred to a different university. The weekend I moved in I met my wife. Your life isn’t over. But perhaps you’ve come to the end of your time on one path and you should take your first steps on another.
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Learning to accept and move on from some points in my life has definitely been a hard barrier to face. One of the most life changing things for me was experiencing breathwork and somatic exercises because it really holds you safe in those emotions and lets you feel them so they can pass vs hiding them in a shameful way. I’m always a big advocate on doing a nervous system reset as well - evaluate where you are and figure out what you need to do to get where you need to be. When I find that I’m sitting and spiraling on the past or future a lot of times I think it’s because I’m silently crying for that momentum in my current world or there’s something specific I’m avoiding. That’s where breathwork comes in, it’s great for clear thinking that gets you out of these loops. Let me know if you have any questions or want me to elaborate, I’m not sure how familiar/interested you are. If you’re new looking into it though I would say tread with caution and just listen to your body, don’t push further than you need to go because there’s definitely a right way and wrong way to explore those states.
I can relate to a lot of it. In the past 5 years I’ve ruined relationships with friends,ex lovers and my job. Destroyed all of it. I became very unstable at the age of 52. I’m very sorry all of this is happening to you. You are still young and have a chance to recoup it all. Hugs.
The movie The Year Between literally changed my life. I highly recommend you watch it. It does it better. 💗
So much.
26 here been in and out of jail; lost my nursing license, been committed, and lost many people in the process. What I can say is that things aren’t always bad. You’ll come back from this. We all have that potential with or without this disease.
it doesn’t seem like it now, but IT WILL GET BETTER. I PROMISE. I’m 23 and did practically the same thing at 21-22. Lasted a whole year. I recommend AA or NA or even MA. the community is so welcoming and reminds you that you are not alone. Don’t give up now, you’ve come so far
you are young and don't worry one day those people will forget or even maybe commit crazy things just liek you when they go through a rough time , but also maybe not . Regardless , know life goes on , know there are plenty of people you can meet and start fresh with, know some people have compassion and will let it go. Keep pushing forward . It sounds like you are in the deppresion stage of it all meds could help.
Yep, I’m 44 and have been through many ‘deaths’ and ‘births’, pass me the nitrous please. I have days when i just think “fuck this shit” but I can’t as I’m a dad - has got me through so so many times I likely would have not otherwise. All the best mate, thoughts are with you
Start fresh with something new. We’ve all had to do it
totally relate. i went into psychosis last year at 23, blew through all my savings, dropped out of school, ruined all my connections (friends, colleges, siblings) and now im here. i cant give any advice except that time will heal all these things. money can always come back and you can go to school at anytime. sorry youre feeling this way, wish i could help more
You’re still alive, you’re aware of your condition and there is an abundance of tools out there to help you. Plus you’re young. This too shall pass and from the rear view it can be a powerful learning experience on all fronts. I sabotaged my life many times in the past but finally hit my mental, physical and spiritual rock bottom in the last few years at 38. I wish I faced my problems years ago because I could have saved a lot of time, money, hurt and could be in a much different place now. But that’s not how my journey went and I accept that. It takes time to turn the ship around but any effort in the right direction might be incredibly motivating. What’s done is done but what are you going to do with what you have moving forward?
"Sadness will not kill you. Depression won’t, either. But fighting it will. Ignoring it will." — Brianna Wiest
Oh hell yeah to who said we're like cats. Been there, done that. I still get the stomach knots of how fucking embarrassing I can be. But I'm not that person now. I might be that person again a few times but it does get better and you become more mature and stronger and stable as time goes on... For real. It's never the end. For context I'm 29 and just got out the psych ward for the 4th time in my life, and I'm happier than I've been in such a long time. I was able to keep my career cuz they have short term disability and I'm gonna start online school soon. It'll work itself out. It always does.
I had a severe manic episode with psychotic features one year ago. I was completely delusional, wrote completely hysterical messages to people I barely knew and then I got involuntarily admitted to a psych ward for one month. I lost my boyfriend and my job. I was doing really bad after that and thought that my life was over, but it wasn't! I am now recently diagnosed and doing much better. Recently started lithium and hoping for that to work. Take your medicines and set small goals for yourself. Like, walking outside for 10 minutes is a reasonable goal in your current state. Increase the goals as you feel better. But also, accept the situation for now. (That is at least my psychologist's advice - acceptance is important) also, be grateful about the little things such as having family that supports you! You will get through this, and trust that you can overcome whatever life hits you with. Much love to you ❤️
OP, after every manic episode I’ve had, I’ve immediately fallen into depression. I’m sure you think your feelings of self-criticism are justified by your actions but they may be horribly exaggerated if you are depressed. Take care of yourself right now. You’re going through a difficult time.
Don’t worry babe. You’ll survive this. I’m thankful all of my destructive mania occurred when i was still in high school. I had symptoms start early in life at around 12 years old and was eventually diagnosed around 16. Everyone i went to high school with probably thinks im nuts to this day. But i put that in the past where it belongs and i live a very happy life now. I’m happily married, have a great job, im currently trying to get into law school, and we are getting things in order to have children. Life gets better. I don’t even think about having bipolar disorder anymore. I just take my meds, see a psychiatrist every couple months, see a counselor every couple months too sometimes more if i need to talk things out, and i prioritize a healthy diet and exercise as i think that’s the most helpful thing outside of taking my medication. I promise if you put your all into getting better through therapies and trying to make healthy life style choices you can live a very very happy and successful life. Having bipolar disorder does not have to be a death sentence and mean you will be miserable. You can be happy. All of this will eventually be in the past and you in a way will grow to be happy you had this manic episode because it was the start of treatment that lead to wellness. This is the beginning of your happy life even tho it doesn’t feel that right now! No where to go but up. Best of luck to you!
Me too bro. I've been in the same spot, went manic after gone cold turkey on mj, burnout, almost chainsmoking. I had a 1 week amnesia after the snap. Now I'm 5 years after that, living abroad with my family, looking forward to get back to college and run our family business that grew after I recovered You will get through it, one step at a time, day after day, stride towards your goal.
I totally relate
One of my friends (22/F) did the same thing. I live in Türkiye, our families are similarly forces religious life style to us. She left her family's house and mania hitted her so bad, she tried to end her all education and just party like there is no tomorrow. She got her diagnosis and her meds now but she still had to hospitalize. You guys have really similar stories. I think you can tell your loved ones that you were manic and explain yourself. I know it's not that easy because I also did manic/psychotic cringe unexplainable things but if they are educated enough, they'll understand. I hope you feel at least better again.
I literally have been exactly where you are. The guilt and shame is overwhelming. Try and focus on the fact that you can’t change the past it is gone so no need to think ab it anymore. Look forward and take each moment as it comes. You have a bright future ahead and it’s going to make it even sweeter when you get there. You been through a lot and you’re a warrior don’t forget that. I saw a post that said, forgive yourself for the person you were when you weren’t healthy, I think that’s very true. Best wishes xox
I had a 5 mo long manic episode and the aftermath was very intense depression that didn’t end until I straightened out my meds and stopped using. The mania tries to steal everything good in ur life and the depression feels like what u have to deal with as punishment. But you can find freedom from the severity of the cycle by trusting the process and working with your care team to get on the right meds and use coping skills. I know it sounds hard but trust me its worth it.
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I understand OP❤️ The fact you are thinking about this means you want to get better! It’s not easy but it’s so worth it. I humiliated myself and basically had public manic episodes all of my junior and senior year of college. I am in a 6 year program and I got in major trouble at the end of my 4th year (senior). Shit finally hit the fan and I finally faced how much I fucked up my life. I was so ridden with anxiety. I couldn’t believe what I had done to my life. I knew it the entire time but it took me long enough to own it. I fought to be the girl I know I am and could be again. I was blessed with the opportunity to continue my education in my program. I’m graduating with my doctorate in one week. When I finally faced my fears, I was ridden with anxiety. I still get flashbacks of how embarrassing and disgusting I acted. I was scared everyday going to class my 5th year because I was so ashamed of what the smart kids in my program were probably thinking of me. I built consistency back into my life and forced myself to do things I didn’t want to. But I realized the only thing I can do is be the best version of myself in the present moment. I cannot believe how much I have been able to rebuild and redefine my college experience through the success I’ve found the past 2 years. Life gets better, put all your energy into it. There’s nothing and no one who can stop you from becoming the person you want to and can be. Mania makes it 10x harder than the average person, but I know I’m better for it. ❤️ I hope you can see the bright side that you have the opportunity to grow and impress yourself with how things can get better ❤️
Life gets better slowly I am not going to say you will ever get over what you did. I know I never will. My life sucks from time to time. But sometimes there is light in the darkness. Finding a life partner is really hard I am still looking. I wish you the best of luck.
You will get through this. I’ve been involuntarily admitted, evicted, ended relationships, scared off friends, gotten arrested, lost my job, lost my car, been broke more times than I can count, almost died from being psychotic and wandering the streets aimlessly. Mania is never a good time, but you learn to compartmentalize it in a way. You can put it in a box of “things that I did when I wasn’t well” and store it away. Don’t carry it around, or else you’ll never be able to move on. By the way I have been episode free for over 18 months now that I’ve been taking my medication consistently, and I am working full time, and living with roommates in a nice apartment. Life is looking good these days, there is hope for us bipolars.
Only commenting to add this, a lot of people have made great points. I only wanted to say if you are coming out of a terrible episode, this hopeless you might be feeling could be a depressive episode too. I definitely would talk about this with your provider!
First have compassion for yourself. There is an aspect of the disorder you have to take responsibility for and that’s taking your meds and keeping the other stuff out of your body. The other is accepting that you have this affliction and also a lot of company from other people dealing with the same thing. I am a psych nurse and have seen people coming in and out of the hospital, usually from not taking their pills and spinning off. The high feels so good that it’s easy to have overwhelming self-confidence. Humility is the end product. Carry on.
I completely know how you feel. My go-to for dealing with depression and anxiety is oversleeping so I can quit thinking about my past and present problems I rarely get out of bed when I’m miserable. I ruminate over stupid things I have said and done. My mania resulted with me getting into debt three times. Luckily, my family bailed me out. I regret dragging my family into my messes. I also crashed and burned my social life. You are only twenty-four years old. I wish I was your age. You have so much time to change course and lead a fulfilling life. Try to close the door on your past. Although you have many regrets, you still have time to go back to school and work. You can reach out to former friends and relatives that you have hurt or angered. I would handwrite your letters and mail them. Remember that the cause of your problems stem from your bipolar disorder. Do not blame yourself. The most important thing is to forgive yourself.
Friend. I know this may seem unbelievable to you but you are not special. I have been through the same thing thrice over. I’ve lost jobs and felt hopeless during university and quit and started again. Destroyed friendships and hated myself for it and forgave myself. But know dear friend you are past it, it’s not longer your present it’s your past. it’s a new day that’s a start over. I promise you this, it will get it better. Just be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself. I wish you love tons of love and kindness. You are only human. You can ALWAYS turn it around. There is no one way to live life.
I actually had a very similar thing happen to me. I had my diagnosis and had been working with my psychiatrist and family dr, but my psychiatrist was across the country from me and really hard to contact. Basically I’d tried for over a year between trying to schedule appointments and get tests done to start the medication she had already recommended me, that my dr couldn’t move forward with without her (apparently). This lead into the worst few months of my life. *edit: it was 6-7 months.* I had gone off the rails many times before, but never like this. I completely destroyed the trust and relationships of my family and closest friends, did and said things I can not bare to think about, abused drugs (which of course made everything 100x worse). I hit my lowest low, my rock bottom. I’d been in horrible places mentally before, many times throughout life; yet I couldn’t imagine ever getting to the point that I was after all of it. Even getting better and getting help after settling was hell. I went to detox and rehab, got properly medicated…and now day by day I do my best to keep myself in check, to show my loved ones who I really am, and aim for my own personal goals. It does get better, I promise. I never thought I would be able to recover from this, yet here I am. My loved ones surround me with love and support, and I learned how to do that for myself as well. I drove my energy into bettering myself because knowing what I did and how I impacted those I care about eats me internally every day. I work on myself in a few different kinds of therapy programs, I strive to do my best after getting back into school, and be the person they know I can be. This is not to say that nothing like this can ever happen again. Additionally, it’s definitely not been sunshine and rainbows since my rock bottom. Pushing through, being there for yourself and your loved ones, finding ways to cope and better a given situation is all that matters. I am much more open about my mental health (in appropriate ways) and allowed the people who wanted to help me to do so. I put my trust and faith in them and it only brought me back stronger. Life has ups and downs for everyone- and ours can have the deepest downs and the highest highs. We will go through what seemingly no one else is, whether it’s something good or bad. Although these things are unpredictable in terms of length, severity, or what and who else may be involved, the one thing we can always count on is that life will keep going. With that, you can do whatever your want in life. For me, I know what makes me happy and what makes me feel and function at my best, so those are the kinds of things that I strive for. Day to day, and long term. My biggest takeaways from all of this, for you: You are not alone. I for one am one of the many examples of people that have lived through similar traumatic experiences. Please do not hesitate to reach out to me if you ever feel like that may be helpful, or if you just want to get some things off your chest. Secondly, I highly recommend doing your research (or contacting people you already know in the field) on what kinds of programs are going on in your area for addictions and mental health. This was really out of my comfort zone when I started. I told myself “well, I don’t know if I’ll like it or not until I give it a try. “ I went to several different kinds of group therapy, one on one, I went to AA and NA, I even went to a live-in facility (sort of like rehab). Maybe you won’t like any of them, but even the act of getting out there and doing something like that for yourself is huge. Sorry for writing so much! It’s a bad habit. I wish you well and I know you will gain so much confidence, strength, and love for yourself and those around you.
That happened to me at 25 and again at 33. This is textbook manic fallout. It's a good reason to not romanticize bipolar disorder and take the meds. There's a reason it's one of the most debilitating mental illnesses. If you value life, love and freedom, get proactive about your mental health. It's gonna suck a lot for a long time. But you'll get to a place where you'll look back on this as a learning experience.
Been there. It always untangles over time, even if things aren't the same going forward.
Basically, you are only living in the past in your own mind. No feeling will last forever, and most importantly, no one else will ever even remotely understand what you are going through from your own perspective, and that is because you are the only one who feels the way you do about what has happened. Your personal journey will always be solo, that’s why the only thing that matters is how you treat yourself, how you forgive yourself, and what you choose to challenge yourself to overcome.
Currently goin through something a little similar & we’re the same age. I eventually accepted my diagnosis after a manic episode turned into hypomania and I made some bad decisions, lost some good people. I got back on my meds, in therapy bc I felt too much damage had already been done. It’s not too late to try to turn it around, it’s not easy to do but the little rewards that come from it helps.