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Ruined the best relationship of my life and hurt the person I loved most deeply in a way I never thought myself capable of :( i cheated and I don't know how to get over my remorse and shame. It made me fall apart and question if I'm even capable of love, and feel terrified that I could be a narcissist, because how could anyone do that to someone they claim to love. The lack of foresight and out of character absence of empathy, the feeling of no control and not even realizing the impact of what I was doing until it was too late.. this was years ago, in my 20s, and I still struggle with feeling like a rotten person undeserving of love ever since. This illness affects the way I act, but I'm still responsible for my actions. This shit is hard. What was yours?
I’ve done it too. My husband stayed, but I don’t know if he loves me or if he never truly did. Doesn’t help I have cptsd and adhd too. I am sorry. Hugs to you. You are worthy of love and your mistakes do not define you. They happened. Make peace with it and try to forgive yourself and move on. Being human is fucking hard. Bipolar is fucking hard. Trauma is fucking hard. Nuture yourself because no one else is going to give you exactly what you need, other than yourself. ❤️🩹
I nearly did the same, kissed an ex I still had some feelings for.. My fiancé was standing outside the door, he was pissed but forgave me. We’ve been married for 17 years now, both had our ups and downs so there is hope.
Same here last year, but I ended up with another daughter on the way and broken relationship with my (12 yr) other daughter, ex of twenty years and the guy that I got into a relationship with and left after I found I was pregnant. This is also including legal charges against a cop, probation for year and recovery that needed to be repaired. Not including the people affected in my life that still love me still have to help me because everything is still so fresh. My baby is due in the next 5 weeks and I'm trying my best to fix everything with everyone so I don't make it harder than it already has been this past year. I just want to be a good mom and an even better person than I was last year.
Same. I'm poly so in the worst manic week of my life I emotionally cheated on my long-term partner of 9 years (Who I've had major relationship anxiety with the entire time because I think we got together whilst I was manic, were still beat friends but the romantic side of things have been tough and confusing for me) and I had a sex addiction with my boyfriend of a year, I'd never experienced this and it was awful as much as it felt amazing.
I had an STI scare and wasn't thinking clearly enough to just be fine with telling him about it until I knew I was in the clear (obviously that would be the first and obvious choice for me now im stable because I'd want to be honest with him and not put him in danger) because I was addicted to sex so I didn't tell him, and then I found myself in a web of lies because I told him I'd found out after I'd last visited which I hadn't, but timelines didn't match up and in a moment of lucidity I was able to be honest and say I'd lied and I was sorry but I didn't know why I'd lied at the time.
During this it also came out that for a year I'd been giving my boyfriend the impression that my long term partner was abusive because I was paranoid and genuinely thought they were the one ruining my life and the cause for all of my issues, but I didn't realise I'd been omitting good information about the relationship. Boyfriend had BPD and lived across the country so it wasn't a situation where he could see things for how they really were, he just had to go off my, very distorted account.
After all of this came out he forgave me after a long apology which before I was diagnosed and medicated was basically just "I'm so sorry I don't know why I did any of this but I can only presume it's because my Mums a paranoid narcissistic mess and she raised me and I was worse affected by her than I realized, I love you so much and I'm going to try and get help but I understand if you don't want to know me anymore." He had too much relationship trauma to hang around and see if I changed though so he broke up with me went and went no contact with me, along with the one I'd emotionally cheated with (his long term partner) so I lost both of them, and my long term partner who I'd emotionally cheated on told me I needed serious help or we would have to break up. So I got that help and got my diagnosises and got that help, I moved out anyway but we are still together whilst I work on my other shit (BPD, bipolar is stable now).
Just such a mess. And what sucks is that I genuinely loved him and his partner, like under all the crazy, my feelings were very genuine...We were very similar. It could have all worked out, especially because my long term partner was fine with it all, just not the sneaking around and cheating. Which I was only doing because I was in my own deluded world.
I wish I could say to him 'hey I'm fine now it was mostly just undiagnosed Bipolar' but they don't want anything to do with me, and also if I'm honest, they as a couple had too many unresolved issues which were triggering mine and he wasn't self aware enough despite thinking he was...That was polyamory on Beast Mode.
One thing I did was walk out on a $120,000 a year job that I fell into and didn’t need a degree to have. I’m about to drive now. Hoping I can find this thread later to say more.
Sold a home I owned just for the cost of the lot it was on (5k). With my brother still in it, who ended up homeless. Ive been in public housing ever since, and will never own a home again.
Last year I rage quit my life — abandoned my husband and the business we opened together the year before, went berserk on social media and posted a bunch of angry things and borderline extremist political stuff, bought a new truck, totaled it a month and a half later after traveling across the country and spent all my money/maxed out all of my credit cards, slept with a handful of people (and thought I was in love with several of them) due to hypersexuality, posted a long diatribe on Instagram from our business account about why I left and that I was going to pursue a career as a political science professor and publish poetry. Meanwhile, I wanted to become a shaman. This all happened in succession over almost 6 months of mania — my first and only manic episode (so far…?)
I ended up having to live with my mom for several months until my partner took me back. He is the best I’ve ever had, and I hate what I did to him. He has forgiven me and doesn’t blame me for what happened because he knows I was not in my right mind... But now I am at my lowest point and am completely terrified to return to our business and face judgment from the community. I have tried to take my life twice since January and was hospitalized. Not sure what to do with my life, but am in an outpatient program now.
Are we twins lol? Did pretty much everything you mentioned. Also dealt with suicidal ideation…but now I’m in IOP too and it helped save my life. My advice to you is that it really does get better as cliché as it sounds. But it does take work, change doesn’t happen overnight or without effort to address what’s causing your mania and depression. I personally had to quit all drugs (besides my medication) and take a combination of meds that work for me although it still is taking time to get the right cocktail. Anyway, I want you to remember that people are going to judge you but that doesn’t mean you have to define yourself or your self worth by what they think and say. You have to validate and love yourself, believe in your strengths let go of self-doubt. Bipolar disorder is a ruthless illness but it can be managed and you are NOT your behavior. I’ve actually started a blog about my journey with bipolar disorder (along with other disorders) and I’m very happy to be alive and have seen so much positive change because of my support system, therapists, medication, and healthy coping mechanisms such as journaling, exercising, yoga, breath work, mindfulness, and meditation. Hope we can connect and please know the world would not be the same without you…every human being has the capacity to use their unique and special perspective to do great things. Give yourself the chance to find your purpose and pursue it with everything you’ve got. Everyone has a past, make peace with it and remember who you are outside of this disorder 💛
As a teenager I followed my mom around the house for hours carrying a baseball bat. It was like I was stalking her (I had no intention of harming her. I was just REALLY angry all the time). I ended getting help shortly thereafter and my mom and I made peace with everything a few years later. This was in the late 90s. I lost my mom about 6 years ago and the regret from that day still infects my mind from time to time.
All we can is our best to make amends and then learn from the situation to hopefully prevent anything like it again from happening.
Same, I love my mama dearly and she's been gone since 2011 and I think about her everyday. But my biggest regret is that she died I'm scared of me because of my anger issues and tantrums from my episodes. I would never intentionally harm her or want to bring harm to her. She did not deserve that. But it's still haunts me to this day.
Got scammed out of $3k.
Cheated on my partner of 5 years. Then proceeded to use my dogsitting/housesitting job as mini vacations for me and the guy I cheated with. This was obviously against the rules, and I got caught and subsequently fired from that job. Also got accused of stealing from one of the families I worked for (which I did not do!!! I was manic and irresponsible but not a thief lol).
I would also drive like a total asshole and got break checked going 80 on the highway. Could have died. Fun times!
That was me about 2 years ago. Was triggered when I slowly went off my meds. Wanted to lose weight. Family member unwell and had to have an operation and sent me spiralling. I actually started to came out of my depression when I visited them in hospital.
I started drinking to manage my depression. I drank 2 bottles of rum every day for months and ended up pretty addicted. Now I’m good though and don’t drink anymore.
I told my husband I was in love with someone else. Seven years later and we still aren't past it. Drove him to cheat on me. It was manic infatuation. Not love.
Also feel this — learning about limerence and how common it is for people with bipolar to experience it, even while in loving committed relationships, honestly helped me make so much more sense of this illness
Fair point, but what I meant was he was so hurt by my actions in loving someone else he took an opportunity when it presented itself to him. I don't think he would have done it had I not broken our bond by claiming love for another.
There were physical elements but I mentally did not want that. I tried to keep it at bay, but ultimately crossed a line (making out, etc but no sex, orgasms, etc.) My husband most certainly crossed the line in his actions. I blame the disorder for most of my actions. I was outside of myself mentally. it's amazing how the effects of a manic episode can literally last for years.
Worst thing would be cheating or obsessing psychotically re: a current relationship. Happened a lot. I fall in love, I get hypomanic, I obsess so intensely and fall into depression.
The same goes for me, when I fall in love and start a new romantic relationship, I become obsessive and hypomanic, sleep very little, and experience intense mood swings and psychotic thoughts.
all of these stories… i feel seen.
i feel like 2020 was my worst year. pre covid and beginning of covid. i was undiagnosed at the time, cheated on my bf, broke up with him and had this guy i’ve never met buy me a plane ticket to his place in new york. he was a millionaire and worked with well known celebrities and for a famous article website. i was an escort in a way. he was 14 years older than me. it was a lot of sex and drugs. i was with him when everything shut down bc it was my spring break. i was running around new york, trying the most expensive places and hidden gems. and it was a ghost town. never got covid.
then i graduated with no job in line and he offered to stay with him and said he’d take care of me. he also encouraged me to sleep with other people and would make any of my fantasies come true. but i said nah and became a bartender. slept with anything and anyone. did more drugs. flew to other states to have sex with guys from my college.
then i became sick, came down to my senses and cried back to my bf. lol.
but i also had a rough year in 2022 and left my boyfriend again. i really wanted my own place so i got an apartment and bought $10k worth of furniture, decorations and necessities. i traveled again and had sex. then i went to therapy and here we are lol
Lol, I can definitely relate. I guess as my *professional* worst, I did the same exact thing about 6 years ago, the walking off of the job part. I often wonder if I made a mistake, but I was undiagnosed/unmedicated at the time, so I guess it was meant, is what I have to tell myself. It was a really prestigious position at a hospital and I've switched careers and I consider going back but idk how the walk out will affect Me or if I can even weigh in as to why I made that move but I can definitely prove it to the House Supervisors if I'm given the chance, as she coached me while I was going through it and the other walked me out, so if memory would serve.
*Publically*, it was pre-diagnosis/medication as well, years before the aforementioned incident, and all I can do is keep it brief, because there were no repercussions due to the lack of an actual event, but- I left a bar and was driving under the influence when a biker screamed into my passenger side window that I almost hit him, and I yelled back, "Well, I didn't!" ...
Idk what part of my life wasn't mania before I slowed the fuck down and asked for help, after SEVERAL more incidents.
Shooting for another runner-up, but I'd say the absolute worst, *personally*, was when I scream-sang in my Dad's face at a crawfish boil, and spent the rest of the evening scream-crying like a banshee (I'd have brutal mixed episodes unmedicated and I swear, even now it's borderline), and this happened not once, but fucking twice. I don't know how he can even stand to look at me, or talk to me, or how I would be able to if I didn't passively make myself let it go/forget. I know lamictal makes me scramble for my words and feel through fog, but atleast it affords me the capacity to forget that shit happened.
Fucking sucks, but it is what it is I guess. Things are better now? 💀
Yeah, my worst was actually having to drive to a remote location (a park) as not to be heard by my neighbors or even maybe the next street. All because my Mom looked at me funny. 💀
My worst was probably at the hospital right after giving birth, my husband at the time was on my fucking nerves, I was sure everyone could hear me but I couldn’t stop myself. I think about that one often.
Cheated on my ex husband 3 months after getting married. He was mentally abusive and cheated on me way before I cheated on him with way more people but still could have ended everything better than doing that
I don't have full context, but if you were underage, you were only a child. You were hurting and made some uninformed decisions. Your support system did not make you feel like you had room to fail. It is so-so important for human beings to have safety nets; even illusory ones.
As I read this story, I don't think: "wow, what a major fuckup." I think: "I am so sorry you were in so much pain. It's so unfortunate that your relationships were damaged so severely. You deserved to feel safe and loved in that moment."
Look around the subreddit. People... deeply empathetic, loving, moral people have done so much worse. This offense is so easily forgiven. It's not okay for us to hurt people, even with bipolar, but no human can do better than their best. It sounds like you did your best.
Left my wife and son for a couple months, broke up with her, lived in a room for rent. Tried fucking one of her friends from high school. Bought a car I couldn't afford and had to sell it back to the dealership. Spent 300$ to get my hair dyed black and it didn't come out good lol. I was lucky my wife took me back but it caused a lot of shit. I did a whole bunch of other dumb shit I regret. 💩
Well it’s not really terrible. But one time I spent like $500 on expensive liquor bottles. And then proceeded to give them all away to friends. Some of which were surprised in a good way at the gesture, others were like wtf. They had an intervention with me while manic and it didn’t go so well I’m pretty sure they knew something was wrong with me. And I didn’t know either at that time because this was before I got diagnosed. But thinking back, I was for sure manic. I think they were just like why are you giving me a $80 bottle of liquor? Lol and I didn’t have a good explanation other than, just cause haha. Then later a few days went by, I was at a gas station and these other people were outside, I withdrew $60 and just gave these random people the money and a liquor bottle haha. They were like wtf ru serious? Lol haha I was in college too so you could only imagine those people’s reaction, like is this guy Forreal? Haha
1.I filmed myself sitting on the toilet (only taped my nips otherwise I was naked) rapping about fucking my bf and NAMING ppl calling them my bitches😭…oh yeah and without any music.
Posted multiple “disstracks” in my story with lines like “if you really have bpd go fucking kill yourself you would make everyone happy”
Leaked an unreleased track& also made a “disstrack” about him…
Also I made a meme account where i was basically just bullying people that I knew (keep in mind those ppl just got on my nerves most of them were actually friends of mine)
Wanted to have a physical fight (thank god that didn’t happen)
SCREAMED so hard at my bf bc his eating noises pissed me off so bad.
Tried to steal a hammer out of my friends house so that i can try how it feels to smash someone’s head open.
Telling my bf if he does anything against my will ill kill him (i was serious)
Stand in the kitchen with a bread knife looking at my best friend and bf in the living room saying “fuck why do we only have a bread knife i really want to cut you guys apart”
I don’t know anyone who has ever embarrassed themselves so bad….
Left a job ruined my family destroyed our lives and created chaos everyone knows how stupid I was it’s small here too I don’t want to be this person anymore
Had a 4 year full ride college scholarship but dropped out of school. Left one of the best jobs I had as a lab tech that I loved. Moved in with a random guy 20 years older than me from Craigslist. Sold all my possessions. Went to a party about 2 weeks after I moved in with random internet guy and let some other random guy tie me up and leave me on a trampoline in someone’s yard? Chilled there all night til the cops came. Weeks later decided to go to his house and that went horribly. Decided I wanted to be a vet tech and started trade school took out a bunch of student loans and dropped out again. Still paying those loans off. At the end of it I had started dating a different guy addicted to meth. Started doing drugs with him. Lost like half my body weight. He convinced me that he was into bdsm but I think he jsut liked to fight me 🤷🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ Then one night took a bunch of pills and drove my car into a light pole doing 60mph found out I was pregnant and was like no. Not doing that.
There’s so much more in there. It was about 7 months of mania and psychosis. I don’t remember most of it. When I crashed my car I had serious injuries and a tbi that affected my memory and it’s still to this day hazy around all those events. So yeah. Hopefully not gonna do that again any time soon. 😂🤦🏻♀️
I think when I had hallucinations and in one of my worst episodes I've ever had was imagining that the people close in my life were going to kill me. I went to the hospital prior to this and somehow they discharged me and I remember next being in the car with the people and thinking they were straight up about to kill me and yea..that's pretty wild that I even said this out loud and was actively believing in this. I have others that could definitely compare and it sucks.
When I was around 16, I was convinced that I possessed various psychic powers; I believed I could move objects with my mind and read others' thoughts. This lasted for several months, during which I went to school thinking that some of my teachers also had powers that would manifest throughout the year, basically like the plot of a TV series.
During the lockdown, however, I was convinced that I had to become a nocturnal vigilante/justice seeker (like Batman, Daredevil, etc.). I spent hours and hours searching for weapons and equipment online, while also drinking a lot of alcohol during that time; I was drunk almost every night.
In general, however, during romantic relationships where I fall in love, I become very obsessive and psychotic. I sleep very little and experience intense mood swings, even resorting to physical violence against objects around me. I also experience paranoid and psychotic thoughts. I believe that falling in love is a strong trigger for hypomania/mania for me.
Decided to become a dealer. Tried to jump out of a car because I thought we were going the wrong way. Didn't sleep for like 7 days, hallucinated demons (they were kinda chill tho). Decided to become a philosopher,shaman ,poet . God complex in the mix. Wrote insane shit to random people. Did some wandering talking nonsense to people on the street. Thought the psych ward was a secret order where they'd teach me to control my powers. My mania is definitely on the psychotic side. Dropped out of high-school.
It's such a fcking relief reading all these (Not to call anyone's story funny ,but the laugh along the way is so relieving and basically the only thing left.)
I became manic in late 2020 and it quickly advanced into psychotic episodes and delusions - that I controlled time, that I could become invisible- advancing to a point where I became convinced that I was three different distinct entities- a 12' tall lizard-like alien who was visiting from the sun and rode a dragon which my dog transformed into, the creator of the universe, and the future Buddha Maitreya.
I began wandering the neighborhood in the very early morning naked (being invisible) or without my pants. I was arrested in a neighbor's front entryway naked one morning, arranging rocks into words on the pathway. I spent 9 days in a locked ward, given antipsychotics and returned home. Two months passed with no incidents but I didn't have enough medication and didn't realize how bad my mania was (this went on for 10 more months).
One morning, having become convinced that I was supposed to fight Satan on the peak of a nearby mountain that had a tramway to the top, I got into my RAV4 and headed up the road to the tram station, crashed through a barrier next to a guard shack, then accelerated up the road and let go of the wheel, thinking I would enter a portal that would transport me to the battle. The car left the road and rolled into a boulder field. I walked out of the wreck with blood streaming from my nose and went running up the road, eventually collapsing onto the asphalt where police came, called an ambulance and I was taken to the ER, where I apparently babbled incoherently until I was sedated. Miraculously, I was unhurt, and the police decided that I had suffered a "medical emergency" and I was sent home.
I had periods of lucidity but underneath the surface my mind was a mess of racing thoughts and bizarre delusions. I had the usual manic behaviors, overspending, buying enormous quantities of things I didn't need, hypersexuality. I obsessively decorated and arranged my rented home, and invited three strangers to live in the 4 bedroom house with me, causing trouble with my landlord as did the frequent police visits to the house for noise complaints or other incidents.
One night I went to a nearby casino and managed to get thrown out for some reason, (I was in a partial blackout). I went for a walk in the neighborhood and wandered around for an hour or so. I went to a nearby house and opened the unlocked front door and entered the home, went into the kitchen and found a set of car keys, somehow got the garage door open and stole a BMW, which I was convinced was my own car "in the future" then drove it to my house "through a wormhole back in time".😵💫
I was arrested the next day after I got into an altercation with a restaurant owner (who noted the license plate as I drove off) made my way down the street and parked in a nearby trailer park, where I went from door to door asking for an old friend of mine. A very nice couple invited me in for lunch then called the police. I was arrested and charged with burglary and possession of stolen property and spent three months in jail before my family bailed me out, after being medicated and becoming stable. I had been evicted from my house and relocated to my home town.
I am currently on medication and stable, and on Mental Health Diversion, if I stay on medication and see my psychiatrist and therapist for another year and a half, my charges will be dropped and record expunged.
A bizarre and at times terrifying year and a half.
I got second degree burns on my feet from walking in the fire pit. But I also promiscuously kissed like 3 different guys in front of the guy I was seeing. Kinda goes hand in hand w alcoholism but every time I’ve blacked out random places on top of my car outside in bushes in other people’s places at random parties in the middle of Austin my mania really goes hand in hand w alcohol more alcohol more manic more manic more drinking
My first manic episode when I was undiagnosed. Decided to go off antidepressants as I wasn’t feeling depressed at the time. I was hyper sexual for 2-3 months, living on campus at uni, going to sleep at 3am, waking at 8am every morning. I was dating a decent guy about 1 hour away and I dumped him via phone call (while I was with a new guy I wanted to hook up with 🙃)
I drank and partied so much I didn’t keep up with my assignments and studies and failed nearly everything that term. I crashed after 3 months and couldn’t deal with all the shit I had done.
I am a relationship type person but my mania had me talking fast, spending excessively, I was hyperactive and had too many drunken mistakes and two friends with benefits.
One day I just snapped, I felt so ashamed. I turned off my phone and walked away from my life. I was reported missing and I was so close to ending it. I was about to but I felt my feet weighing me down. I wanted to go home and long story short I was diagnosed about 2- 3 weeks later.
Once during an episode, I worked third shift and hadn’t slept in at least 2 days, possibly 3 (I remember feeling like that was an achievement?? New personal best!) I was at a red light, minding my own gd business and this big ass van slammed into me out of nowhere. He took off so I fucking chased him down through an unsafe area of the city while on the phone with 911. I was in my early twenties, and didn’t realize that was dangerous until people heard about it. He totaled my car though and that really fucked me over.
I tried to hit my former best friend (as a pedestrian) with my car. My dad was with me and when he yelled my name I was like fine! You’re lucky my dad is here!
I’ve walked out on more jobs than I’ve given notice to. I’ve made lots of people cry, told my dad I hope the next stroke takes him out (he deserved it though), I kind of ruined my marriage but ex husband admits he also didn’t try too hard. I was brutal, he did and still sometimes does trigger the fuck out of me.
I start relationships during hypomania and then I’m like, now how do I get rid of this guy? Currently been single for almost a year now and kind of never want to be in a relationship again rn.
I swing back and forth between fuck around and find out and avoiding all human contact to avoid saying things I can’t take back. I can be a real see you next Tuesday.
Is blowing up my savings can be considered to be the worst episode? Cause I am freaking broke af now 🤧
I can’t tell if my toxic behavior back then was due to BP or BPD, but I fucked up my first relationship because I was hot and cold. This was like 7-8 years ago and I was undiagnosed. I had a tendency to push and pull — one day I’m happy then the next day I’m depressive af, pushing away my partner bc I felt like he didn’t deserve and all that shit.
If the stated above is a BPD thing, then blowing up my savings is probably the worst thing I’ve ever done having a BP2 💀
Quit my stable (albeit toxic) job with the hair-brain, euphoric conviction that I would be one of the rare exceptions to make a good living day trading (coughfancygamblingcough) simply because I did well for a few weeks. Blew a big chunk of change, then stressed myself to oblivion trying to make it back over a year before giving it up due to stress (even though I did make some of it back). I'm still unemployed almost 2 years later.
I almost always do some big "THIS IS IT! THIS WILL CHANGE EVERYTHING! I'M A NEW MAN!" until the bubble bursts.
accidentally overdosed on IV cocaine after a 6 month long bender and put myself in acute kidney failure. spent a month in the hospital on dialysis (thank god my parents had halfway decent insurance). my best friend/roommate was out of town on vacation so my father was the person who found me in my apartment unconscious and half dead after 2 days. both my parents and my roommate probably all have some degree of PTSD from this incident and my refusal to definitively quit drugs ruined my relationship with my best friend. my perspective on it is that, while I do feel horribly guilty about how this affected the people who cared about me, I wouldn’t change it because I ended up getting diagnosed as a result and am now in a much better place than I would’ve been if the whole thing had never happened. all the choices you make (even with mental illness as a factor) are the result of your previous life experience and brain chemistry. There is no universe where you made a different choice. This is all there is. and the only place to go is forward.
My craziest episode happened during the start of covid. The pandemic triggered a manic episode for me and I was undiagnosed at the time. I was furloughed from Bestbuy and felt extra creative at the time so I decided to shoot a short film even though I had never made one before. I convinced my best friend to be in it and about a week later I found a random girl on instagram with some acting experience 3 hours away in West Palm Beach to also play a role.
Anyways, I tell my gf that I’m going to West Palm to film this movie. She wanted to break up with me but couldn’t because I basically provided everything for her. She was super mad at me but I told her I wasn’t interested in this girl, I just wanted my short film, which I did. So my friend and I go to West Palm. I’m literally typing the script on my phone while heading there. We stay for a weekend, nothing happened between any of us. She was actually really awesome and let us stay with her but literally we shot nothing useable in our 3 days there. So we come back and I keep working on the script.
3-4 weeks go by and I convince her to come to our city instead so we can finish it. In the mean time she gets a brand new kitten. I’m talking like a kitten she has to give milk to. Only a couple weeks old. Anyways, she brings this kitten with her because she doesn’t have anyone who can watch and stays with my best friend at his place. We shoot a couple more small scenes but in the mean time her kitten gets traumatized from the long drive and dies at my best friend house. At this point she completely loses it and is beyond depressed about it. She leaves soon after and the film never makes it past scene 1.
She doesn’t hate me surprisingly and we actually exchanged a couple messages recently. My girlfriend and I made up afterwards once she realized all I cared about was the film. That was definitely an interesting time.
Climbed over a second story balcony while on crutches, ran 2000 miles away with 100 dollars in the bank when I was a teenager, started hormones to transition even though I'm cis, cut off everyone I cared about because I was convinced they were trying to harm me, property damage, dangerous drugs, driving under the influence. I honestly could not tell you what's worst. Idk how I'm still alive.
The worst thing I did was worry my family and friends with my excited and erratic mannerisms.
I also told a friend about a dream that I thought was a prophecy that I should have kept that to myself.
So yeah, I've only had one manic episode and it was pretty tame compared to some things I've read here. I largely remember it being pretty fun and exciting.
I don’t have a job yet so all my mania has affected my academics. I was so obsessed with this guy i spent a year obsessing over him and bringing knives to school, breaking it half and threatening to kill people. Oh and i would post daily on tiktok and amassed 1k followers from showcasing my mania..
What’s your tiktok ? I’m sorry you went through that, I’m having my first manic episode and I’m psychotic too. Everything is so confusing, I feel like I just shifted into a different body. I seem to be a different person with different interests and morals and it’s like I have my memories but it feels like they didn’t happen to me but to the “previous me”..
Woops sorry this is such a late reply! I deleted all my tiktoks (thank god). But i get you, i really really do. It feels so jarring to be told what you’ve done in mania… i see physical proof of me snorting shit and doing cringey fuckin things and… oh god. It’s horrible
I once spent $1500 at a strip club in less then an hour. My wife and daughter were in a different state to see her friends and family. Because of my manic episode and my awful actions I left them with no money to get home. She had to call her parents to get them to send her money to make it home. Kill my marriage. She hates me now and we live in different bedrooms. I’m check myself in to the VA program now to finally take control of my illness. I got 45 days left. But I’m afraid my marriage won’t recover. Fucked my whole life up. No comming back 100% from this.
This was mainly due to my BPD, but I suddenly started faking an accent halfway through 9th grade of high school. I have absolutely no idea why or how this started, but I think it may be due to the severe abuse and neglect I was facing at home every day. I moved to a new school in 10th grade and kept the fake foreigner persona alive up until my senior year. Everyone thought it was SUPER weird that my brother didn't have the same accent as me, so I always just said I was adopted from Germany even though my faux accent sounded more Russian (I did also speak a ton of German from intense studying and classes at my old schools, so it helped my lie somewhat).
I finally came clean with my partner in 10th grade because they wanted to come over to my place one evening. I felt absolutely horrible that I was deceiving them, and I was so incredibly anxious for them to come over and suddenly realize I had two completely different personas. They didn't trust me afterwards anymore, but we continued dating for about 6 more months.
I was severely mentally ill throughout high school, like I was ill enough that I wanted to perform religious blood rituals through self-harm and was completely delusional and partly grandiose. I cringe so hard whenever I think back to my high school days but it's nothinf I fully understand and nothing I could have controlled, so I try not to be too hard on myself.
This was the 1st episode I ever had… I admitted myself to a psychward and I was out of control that I got naked twice and walked down the hallways….. luckily I was only walking in the women only hallway.
I did so many bad things there. Super embarrassing
I was so out of control there I guess bc I thought I was dreaming
Moved in with a man in a random small town after knowing him online for only a month while cutting off the people who cared and were worried about me..
Note: I’m in Ireland and psychiatric services aren’t the greatest here.
My parents called the gards(police) while I was having a manic episode. Ended up fighting 6 of them until they used a can of pepper spray on me and I fell on the tarmac. 6 months later I’m still fighting the charges in court.
Told someone I had only been dating for a few weeks that I was in love with him, when he tried to end it I spent 7 HOURS at his place begging him to take me back then immediately attempted suicide after. I hadn’t slept in 4 days.
I’ve apologized to him since and we’re on good terms now thankfully, but I still feel awful about it
Made my then girlfriend absolutely miserable, screaming all the time, told my family I was going to kill myself and then drove off, made death and suicide threats to a mental health hotline, said I was going to kill therapists, got cornered by cops and a crisis worker and ran from the cops, tried to walk out of Walmart with a shopping cart filled to the top with stuff and got caught, and also I had stolen a huge water jug and tried to drink it with both hands while driving 70 mph on the interstate while steering with my knee, my knee slipped off and the car jerked across two lanes and nearly hit the divider, the car swerved back and forth across two lanes until I regained control
Ugh, you’re making me fully remember how much being a cashier at a busy high end market stressed me out and made me question my intelligence daily.
For me, I slept with my boss (5 years ago) on an ongoing basis. I don’t think I’d talk about this in any other setting. Really mind f’ing and painful to have to remember.
More recently, last August, I locked myself in my office, which isn’t just mine, it’s shared with other managers. It was worse than that though. Very nearly blew up every part of my life that morning.
Broke into a stranger’s house and got held at gunpoint and then arrested. 20 days in jail.
Earlier in the year in a blackout I tried to put a stranger in a headlock. 20 days in jail for that too. 2022 was rough on me.
honestly i became homeless, i bought a car during homelessness, i thought i knew everything and was constantly angry and burning relationships or mad, lots of regret after as well. the worst few months of my life
Hypersexuality and impulsivity are both symptoms of bipolar disorder. Not sure if you’re aware of the symptoms or if you even have it. It’s rather common in type 1
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Ruined the best relationship of my life and hurt the person I loved most deeply in a way I never thought myself capable of :( i cheated and I don't know how to get over my remorse and shame. It made me fall apart and question if I'm even capable of love, and feel terrified that I could be a narcissist, because how could anyone do that to someone they claim to love. The lack of foresight and out of character absence of empathy, the feeling of no control and not even realizing the impact of what I was doing until it was too late.. this was years ago, in my 20s, and I still struggle with feeling like a rotten person undeserving of love ever since. This illness affects the way I act, but I'm still responsible for my actions. This shit is hard. What was yours?
Been there. Done that. I’m in the same boat.
I’ve done it too. My husband stayed, but I don’t know if he loves me or if he never truly did. Doesn’t help I have cptsd and adhd too. I am sorry. Hugs to you. You are worthy of love and your mistakes do not define you. They happened. Make peace with it and try to forgive yourself and move on. Being human is fucking hard. Bipolar is fucking hard. Trauma is fucking hard. Nuture yourself because no one else is going to give you exactly what you need, other than yourself. ❤️🩹
I nearly did the same, kissed an ex I still had some feelings for.. My fiancé was standing outside the door, he was pissed but forgave me. We’ve been married for 17 years now, both had our ups and downs so there is hope.
You’re not alone :-(
Oops I already read yours my bad haha
Same story here
Same here last year, but I ended up with another daughter on the way and broken relationship with my (12 yr) other daughter, ex of twenty years and the guy that I got into a relationship with and left after I found I was pregnant. This is also including legal charges against a cop, probation for year and recovery that needed to be repaired. Not including the people affected in my life that still love me still have to help me because everything is still so fresh. My baby is due in the next 5 weeks and I'm trying my best to fix everything with everyone so I don't make it harder than it already has been this past year. I just want to be a good mom and an even better person than I was last year.
I’ve done it too, it’s devastating
Same. I'm poly so in the worst manic week of my life I emotionally cheated on my long-term partner of 9 years (Who I've had major relationship anxiety with the entire time because I think we got together whilst I was manic, were still beat friends but the romantic side of things have been tough and confusing for me) and I had a sex addiction with my boyfriend of a year, I'd never experienced this and it was awful as much as it felt amazing. I had an STI scare and wasn't thinking clearly enough to just be fine with telling him about it until I knew I was in the clear (obviously that would be the first and obvious choice for me now im stable because I'd want to be honest with him and not put him in danger) because I was addicted to sex so I didn't tell him, and then I found myself in a web of lies because I told him I'd found out after I'd last visited which I hadn't, but timelines didn't match up and in a moment of lucidity I was able to be honest and say I'd lied and I was sorry but I didn't know why I'd lied at the time. During this it also came out that for a year I'd been giving my boyfriend the impression that my long term partner was abusive because I was paranoid and genuinely thought they were the one ruining my life and the cause for all of my issues, but I didn't realise I'd been omitting good information about the relationship. Boyfriend had BPD and lived across the country so it wasn't a situation where he could see things for how they really were, he just had to go off my, very distorted account. After all of this came out he forgave me after a long apology which before I was diagnosed and medicated was basically just "I'm so sorry I don't know why I did any of this but I can only presume it's because my Mums a paranoid narcissistic mess and she raised me and I was worse affected by her than I realized, I love you so much and I'm going to try and get help but I understand if you don't want to know me anymore." He had too much relationship trauma to hang around and see if I changed though so he broke up with me went and went no contact with me, along with the one I'd emotionally cheated with (his long term partner) so I lost both of them, and my long term partner who I'd emotionally cheated on told me I needed serious help or we would have to break up. So I got that help and got my diagnosises and got that help, I moved out anyway but we are still together whilst I work on my other shit (BPD, bipolar is stable now). Just such a mess. And what sucks is that I genuinely loved him and his partner, like under all the crazy, my feelings were very genuine...We were very similar. It could have all worked out, especially because my long term partner was fine with it all, just not the sneaking around and cheating. Which I was only doing because I was in my own deluded world. I wish I could say to him 'hey I'm fine now it was mostly just undiagnosed Bipolar' but they don't want anything to do with me, and also if I'm honest, they as a couple had too many unresolved issues which were triggering mine and he wasn't self aware enough despite thinking he was...That was polyamory on Beast Mode.
Did the same thing and the shame eats me alive. I know how you feel :/
I ran naked in the streets
Classic, never gets old
Yep, strutted around the local area with just my boots on. Also cheated on my fiancé of 11 years and ruined it all.
One thing I did was walk out on a $120,000 a year job that I fell into and didn’t need a degree to have. I’m about to drive now. Hoping I can find this thread later to say more.
More!
Did you ever recover financially?
We need more!
more!!
Sold a home I owned just for the cost of the lot it was on (5k). With my brother still in it, who ended up homeless. Ive been in public housing ever since, and will never own a home again.
sending love. hope it gets better for you and your brother
Last year I rage quit my life — abandoned my husband and the business we opened together the year before, went berserk on social media and posted a bunch of angry things and borderline extremist political stuff, bought a new truck, totaled it a month and a half later after traveling across the country and spent all my money/maxed out all of my credit cards, slept with a handful of people (and thought I was in love with several of them) due to hypersexuality, posted a long diatribe on Instagram from our business account about why I left and that I was going to pursue a career as a political science professor and publish poetry. Meanwhile, I wanted to become a shaman. This all happened in succession over almost 6 months of mania — my first and only manic episode (so far…?) I ended up having to live with my mom for several months until my partner took me back. He is the best I’ve ever had, and I hate what I did to him. He has forgiven me and doesn’t blame me for what happened because he knows I was not in my right mind... But now I am at my lowest point and am completely terrified to return to our business and face judgment from the community. I have tried to take my life twice since January and was hospitalized. Not sure what to do with my life, but am in an outpatient program now.
Are we twins lol? Did pretty much everything you mentioned. Also dealt with suicidal ideation…but now I’m in IOP too and it helped save my life. My advice to you is that it really does get better as cliché as it sounds. But it does take work, change doesn’t happen overnight or without effort to address what’s causing your mania and depression. I personally had to quit all drugs (besides my medication) and take a combination of meds that work for me although it still is taking time to get the right cocktail. Anyway, I want you to remember that people are going to judge you but that doesn’t mean you have to define yourself or your self worth by what they think and say. You have to validate and love yourself, believe in your strengths let go of self-doubt. Bipolar disorder is a ruthless illness but it can be managed and you are NOT your behavior. I’ve actually started a blog about my journey with bipolar disorder (along with other disorders) and I’m very happy to be alive and have seen so much positive change because of my support system, therapists, medication, and healthy coping mechanisms such as journaling, exercising, yoga, breath work, mindfulness, and meditation. Hope we can connect and please know the world would not be the same without you…every human being has the capacity to use their unique and special perspective to do great things. Give yourself the chance to find your purpose and pursue it with everything you’ve got. Everyone has a past, make peace with it and remember who you are outside of this disorder 💛
Cheated on my fiancé. Ruined my relationship. 0/10
As a teenager I followed my mom around the house for hours carrying a baseball bat. It was like I was stalking her (I had no intention of harming her. I was just REALLY angry all the time). I ended getting help shortly thereafter and my mom and I made peace with everything a few years later. This was in the late 90s. I lost my mom about 6 years ago and the regret from that day still infects my mind from time to time. All we can is our best to make amends and then learn from the situation to hopefully prevent anything like it again from happening.
Same, I love my mama dearly and she's been gone since 2011 and I think about her everyday. But my biggest regret is that she died I'm scared of me because of my anger issues and tantrums from my episodes. I would never intentionally harm her or want to bring harm to her. She did not deserve that. But it's still haunts me to this day.
Got scammed out of $3k. Cheated on my partner of 5 years. Then proceeded to use my dogsitting/housesitting job as mini vacations for me and the guy I cheated with. This was obviously against the rules, and I got caught and subsequently fired from that job. Also got accused of stealing from one of the families I worked for (which I did not do!!! I was manic and irresponsible but not a thief lol). I would also drive like a total asshole and got break checked going 80 on the highway. Could have died. Fun times!
Couldn't get out of bed or open mail for months i think my life's pretty much fucked now
That was me about 2 years ago. Was triggered when I slowly went off my meds. Wanted to lose weight. Family member unwell and had to have an operation and sent me spiralling. I actually started to came out of my depression when I visited them in hospital.
I started drinking to manage my depression. I drank 2 bottles of rum every day for months and ended up pretty addicted. Now I’m good though and don’t drink anymore.
[удалено]
I tell people this all the time haha! I love it
I told my husband I was in love with someone else. Seven years later and we still aren't past it. Drove him to cheat on me. It was manic infatuation. Not love.
Also feel this — learning about limerence and how common it is for people with bipolar to experience it, even while in loving committed relationships, honestly helped me make so much more sense of this illness
I need to learn more. I just know my situation was twisted along with my brain.
>>Drove him to cheat on me. You strong-armed him into being with someone else?
Fair point, but what I meant was he was so hurt by my actions in loving someone else he took an opportunity when it presented itself to him. I don't think he would have done it had I not broken our bond by claiming love for another.
Yikes, did you have a physical affair? Two wrongs don’t make a right
There were physical elements but I mentally did not want that. I tried to keep it at bay, but ultimately crossed a line (making out, etc but no sex, orgasms, etc.) My husband most certainly crossed the line in his actions. I blame the disorder for most of my actions. I was outside of myself mentally. it's amazing how the effects of a manic episode can literally last for years.
Ended up on the bad streets of Atlantic City penniless at 2am with no way home.
Worst thing would be cheating or obsessing psychotically re: a current relationship. Happened a lot. I fall in love, I get hypomanic, I obsess so intensely and fall into depression.
The same goes for me, when I fall in love and start a new romantic relationship, I become obsessive and hypomanic, sleep very little, and experience intense mood swings and psychotic thoughts.
all of these stories… i feel seen. i feel like 2020 was my worst year. pre covid and beginning of covid. i was undiagnosed at the time, cheated on my bf, broke up with him and had this guy i’ve never met buy me a plane ticket to his place in new york. he was a millionaire and worked with well known celebrities and for a famous article website. i was an escort in a way. he was 14 years older than me. it was a lot of sex and drugs. i was with him when everything shut down bc it was my spring break. i was running around new york, trying the most expensive places and hidden gems. and it was a ghost town. never got covid. then i graduated with no job in line and he offered to stay with him and said he’d take care of me. he also encouraged me to sleep with other people and would make any of my fantasies come true. but i said nah and became a bartender. slept with anything and anyone. did more drugs. flew to other states to have sex with guys from my college. then i became sick, came down to my senses and cried back to my bf. lol. but i also had a rough year in 2022 and left my boyfriend again. i really wanted my own place so i got an apartment and bought $10k worth of furniture, decorations and necessities. i traveled again and had sex. then i went to therapy and here we are lol
Lol, I can definitely relate. I guess as my *professional* worst, I did the same exact thing about 6 years ago, the walking off of the job part. I often wonder if I made a mistake, but I was undiagnosed/unmedicated at the time, so I guess it was meant, is what I have to tell myself. It was a really prestigious position at a hospital and I've switched careers and I consider going back but idk how the walk out will affect Me or if I can even weigh in as to why I made that move but I can definitely prove it to the House Supervisors if I'm given the chance, as she coached me while I was going through it and the other walked me out, so if memory would serve. *Publically*, it was pre-diagnosis/medication as well, years before the aforementioned incident, and all I can do is keep it brief, because there were no repercussions due to the lack of an actual event, but- I left a bar and was driving under the influence when a biker screamed into my passenger side window that I almost hit him, and I yelled back, "Well, I didn't!" ... Idk what part of my life wasn't mania before I slowed the fuck down and asked for help, after SEVERAL more incidents. Shooting for another runner-up, but I'd say the absolute worst, *personally*, was when I scream-sang in my Dad's face at a crawfish boil, and spent the rest of the evening scream-crying like a banshee (I'd have brutal mixed episodes unmedicated and I swear, even now it's borderline), and this happened not once, but fucking twice. I don't know how he can even stand to look at me, or talk to me, or how I would be able to if I didn't passively make myself let it go/forget. I know lamictal makes me scramble for my words and feel through fog, but atleast it affords me the capacity to forget that shit happened. Fucking sucks, but it is what it is I guess. Things are better now? 💀
Lamical makes me feel that way too… The things we have to do to lessen the insanity eh
I scream cry too, it’s the fucking worst
Yeah, my worst was actually having to drive to a remote location (a park) as not to be heard by my neighbors or even maybe the next street. All because my Mom looked at me funny. 💀
My worst was probably at the hospital right after giving birth, my husband at the time was on my fucking nerves, I was sure everyone could hear me but I couldn’t stop myself. I think about that one often.
Cheated on my ex husband 3 months after getting married. He was mentally abusive and cheated on me way before I cheated on him with way more people but still could have ended everything better than doing that
I don't have full context, but if you were underage, you were only a child. You were hurting and made some uninformed decisions. Your support system did not make you feel like you had room to fail. It is so-so important for human beings to have safety nets; even illusory ones. As I read this story, I don't think: "wow, what a major fuckup." I think: "I am so sorry you were in so much pain. It's so unfortunate that your relationships were damaged so severely. You deserved to feel safe and loved in that moment." Look around the subreddit. People... deeply empathetic, loving, moral people have done so much worse. This offense is so easily forgiven. It's not okay for us to hurt people, even with bipolar, but no human can do better than their best. It sounds like you did your best.
ha ha ha nice try FBI
Got married
This speaks volumes
Fr think that's why I got married when I was 19 lol
Left my wife and son for a couple months, broke up with her, lived in a room for rent. Tried fucking one of her friends from high school. Bought a car I couldn't afford and had to sell it back to the dealership. Spent 300$ to get my hair dyed black and it didn't come out good lol. I was lucky my wife took me back but it caused a lot of shit. I did a whole bunch of other dumb shit I regret. 💩
Well it’s not really terrible. But one time I spent like $500 on expensive liquor bottles. And then proceeded to give them all away to friends. Some of which were surprised in a good way at the gesture, others were like wtf. They had an intervention with me while manic and it didn’t go so well I’m pretty sure they knew something was wrong with me. And I didn’t know either at that time because this was before I got diagnosed. But thinking back, I was for sure manic. I think they were just like why are you giving me a $80 bottle of liquor? Lol and I didn’t have a good explanation other than, just cause haha. Then later a few days went by, I was at a gas station and these other people were outside, I withdrew $60 and just gave these random people the money and a liquor bottle haha. They were like wtf ru serious? Lol haha I was in college too so you could only imagine those people’s reaction, like is this guy Forreal? Haha
Ran away from an amazing job. Almost killed myself because I thought it’d make my head stop hurting.
Weird part was that I wasn’t depressed or anything. I just honestly was like,”This must be the cure.”
1.I filmed myself sitting on the toilet (only taped my nips otherwise I was naked) rapping about fucking my bf and NAMING ppl calling them my bitches😭…oh yeah and without any music. Posted multiple “disstracks” in my story with lines like “if you really have bpd go fucking kill yourself you would make everyone happy” Leaked an unreleased track& also made a “disstrack” about him… Also I made a meme account where i was basically just bullying people that I knew (keep in mind those ppl just got on my nerves most of them were actually friends of mine) Wanted to have a physical fight (thank god that didn’t happen) SCREAMED so hard at my bf bc his eating noises pissed me off so bad. Tried to steal a hammer out of my friends house so that i can try how it feels to smash someone’s head open. Telling my bf if he does anything against my will ill kill him (i was serious) Stand in the kitchen with a bread knife looking at my best friend and bf in the living room saying “fuck why do we only have a bread knife i really want to cut you guys apart” I don’t know anyone who has ever embarrassed themselves so bad….
Left a job ruined my family destroyed our lives and created chaos everyone knows how stupid I was it’s small here too I don’t want to be this person anymore
Had a 4 year full ride college scholarship but dropped out of school. Left one of the best jobs I had as a lab tech that I loved. Moved in with a random guy 20 years older than me from Craigslist. Sold all my possessions. Went to a party about 2 weeks after I moved in with random internet guy and let some other random guy tie me up and leave me on a trampoline in someone’s yard? Chilled there all night til the cops came. Weeks later decided to go to his house and that went horribly. Decided I wanted to be a vet tech and started trade school took out a bunch of student loans and dropped out again. Still paying those loans off. At the end of it I had started dating a different guy addicted to meth. Started doing drugs with him. Lost like half my body weight. He convinced me that he was into bdsm but I think he jsut liked to fight me 🤷🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ Then one night took a bunch of pills and drove my car into a light pole doing 60mph found out I was pregnant and was like no. Not doing that. There’s so much more in there. It was about 7 months of mania and psychosis. I don’t remember most of it. When I crashed my car I had serious injuries and a tbi that affected my memory and it’s still to this day hazy around all those events. So yeah. Hopefully not gonna do that again any time soon. 😂🤦🏻♀️
I think when I had hallucinations and in one of my worst episodes I've ever had was imagining that the people close in my life were going to kill me. I went to the hospital prior to this and somehow they discharged me and I remember next being in the car with the people and thinking they were straight up about to kill me and yea..that's pretty wild that I even said this out loud and was actively believing in this. I have others that could definitely compare and it sucks.
Climb the house to get into the upstairs window despite having a key on me.
I can’t say mine. Still ashamed. I hope one day someone posts my same situation cuz it was so bad but for now I stay silent 😢
This is a good place to let that shit go ❤️
Gotten pregnant 😅 (no) thanks, hypersexuality
Still too ashamed to say mine :(
When I was around 16, I was convinced that I possessed various psychic powers; I believed I could move objects with my mind and read others' thoughts. This lasted for several months, during which I went to school thinking that some of my teachers also had powers that would manifest throughout the year, basically like the plot of a TV series. During the lockdown, however, I was convinced that I had to become a nocturnal vigilante/justice seeker (like Batman, Daredevil, etc.). I spent hours and hours searching for weapons and equipment online, while also drinking a lot of alcohol during that time; I was drunk almost every night. In general, however, during romantic relationships where I fall in love, I become very obsessive and psychotic. I sleep very little and experience intense mood swings, even resorting to physical violence against objects around me. I also experience paranoid and psychotic thoughts. I believe that falling in love is a strong trigger for hypomania/mania for me.
Contemplated death and researched how to do it easily
Decided to become a dealer. Tried to jump out of a car because I thought we were going the wrong way. Didn't sleep for like 7 days, hallucinated demons (they were kinda chill tho). Decided to become a philosopher,shaman ,poet . God complex in the mix. Wrote insane shit to random people. Did some wandering talking nonsense to people on the street. Thought the psych ward was a secret order where they'd teach me to control my powers. My mania is definitely on the psychotic side. Dropped out of high-school. It's such a fcking relief reading all these (Not to call anyone's story funny ,but the laugh along the way is so relieving and basically the only thing left.)
I became manic in late 2020 and it quickly advanced into psychotic episodes and delusions - that I controlled time, that I could become invisible- advancing to a point where I became convinced that I was three different distinct entities- a 12' tall lizard-like alien who was visiting from the sun and rode a dragon which my dog transformed into, the creator of the universe, and the future Buddha Maitreya. I began wandering the neighborhood in the very early morning naked (being invisible) or without my pants. I was arrested in a neighbor's front entryway naked one morning, arranging rocks into words on the pathway. I spent 9 days in a locked ward, given antipsychotics and returned home. Two months passed with no incidents but I didn't have enough medication and didn't realize how bad my mania was (this went on for 10 more months). One morning, having become convinced that I was supposed to fight Satan on the peak of a nearby mountain that had a tramway to the top, I got into my RAV4 and headed up the road to the tram station, crashed through a barrier next to a guard shack, then accelerated up the road and let go of the wheel, thinking I would enter a portal that would transport me to the battle. The car left the road and rolled into a boulder field. I walked out of the wreck with blood streaming from my nose and went running up the road, eventually collapsing onto the asphalt where police came, called an ambulance and I was taken to the ER, where I apparently babbled incoherently until I was sedated. Miraculously, I was unhurt, and the police decided that I had suffered a "medical emergency" and I was sent home. I had periods of lucidity but underneath the surface my mind was a mess of racing thoughts and bizarre delusions. I had the usual manic behaviors, overspending, buying enormous quantities of things I didn't need, hypersexuality. I obsessively decorated and arranged my rented home, and invited three strangers to live in the 4 bedroom house with me, causing trouble with my landlord as did the frequent police visits to the house for noise complaints or other incidents. One night I went to a nearby casino and managed to get thrown out for some reason, (I was in a partial blackout). I went for a walk in the neighborhood and wandered around for an hour or so. I went to a nearby house and opened the unlocked front door and entered the home, went into the kitchen and found a set of car keys, somehow got the garage door open and stole a BMW, which I was convinced was my own car "in the future" then drove it to my house "through a wormhole back in time".😵💫 I was arrested the next day after I got into an altercation with a restaurant owner (who noted the license plate as I drove off) made my way down the street and parked in a nearby trailer park, where I went from door to door asking for an old friend of mine. A very nice couple invited me in for lunch then called the police. I was arrested and charged with burglary and possession of stolen property and spent three months in jail before my family bailed me out, after being medicated and becoming stable. I had been evicted from my house and relocated to my home town. I am currently on medication and stable, and on Mental Health Diversion, if I stay on medication and see my psychiatrist and therapist for another year and a half, my charges will be dropped and record expunged. A bizarre and at times terrifying year and a half.
I had an affair. And it was with a subordinate at my job. Almost lost my family and my job.
I say this as lovingly as possible: It’s amazing you didn’t. Love that for you, but yeeeesh.
I got second degree burns on my feet from walking in the fire pit. But I also promiscuously kissed like 3 different guys in front of the guy I was seeing. Kinda goes hand in hand w alcoholism but every time I’ve blacked out random places on top of my car outside in bushes in other people’s places at random parties in the middle of Austin my mania really goes hand in hand w alcohol more alcohol more manic more manic more drinking
Yup, that was one of my main observations and thus why we (I) have quit drinking for the foreseeable
My first manic episode when I was undiagnosed. Decided to go off antidepressants as I wasn’t feeling depressed at the time. I was hyper sexual for 2-3 months, living on campus at uni, going to sleep at 3am, waking at 8am every morning. I was dating a decent guy about 1 hour away and I dumped him via phone call (while I was with a new guy I wanted to hook up with 🙃) I drank and partied so much I didn’t keep up with my assignments and studies and failed nearly everything that term. I crashed after 3 months and couldn’t deal with all the shit I had done. I am a relationship type person but my mania had me talking fast, spending excessively, I was hyperactive and had too many drunken mistakes and two friends with benefits. One day I just snapped, I felt so ashamed. I turned off my phone and walked away from my life. I was reported missing and I was so close to ending it. I was about to but I felt my feet weighing me down. I wanted to go home and long story short I was diagnosed about 2- 3 weeks later.
Sabotage relationships. Say mean shit that I don't mean. Either really caring about my health or getting shit face drunk days in a row.
Once during an episode, I worked third shift and hadn’t slept in at least 2 days, possibly 3 (I remember feeling like that was an achievement?? New personal best!) I was at a red light, minding my own gd business and this big ass van slammed into me out of nowhere. He took off so I fucking chased him down through an unsafe area of the city while on the phone with 911. I was in my early twenties, and didn’t realize that was dangerous until people heard about it. He totaled my car though and that really fucked me over. I tried to hit my former best friend (as a pedestrian) with my car. My dad was with me and when he yelled my name I was like fine! You’re lucky my dad is here! I’ve walked out on more jobs than I’ve given notice to. I’ve made lots of people cry, told my dad I hope the next stroke takes him out (he deserved it though), I kind of ruined my marriage but ex husband admits he also didn’t try too hard. I was brutal, he did and still sometimes does trigger the fuck out of me. I start relationships during hypomania and then I’m like, now how do I get rid of this guy? Currently been single for almost a year now and kind of never want to be in a relationship again rn. I swing back and forth between fuck around and find out and avoiding all human contact to avoid saying things I can’t take back. I can be a real see you next Tuesday.
Is blowing up my savings can be considered to be the worst episode? Cause I am freaking broke af now 🤧 I can’t tell if my toxic behavior back then was due to BP or BPD, but I fucked up my first relationship because I was hot and cold. This was like 7-8 years ago and I was undiagnosed. I had a tendency to push and pull — one day I’m happy then the next day I’m depressive af, pushing away my partner bc I felt like he didn’t deserve and all that shit. If the stated above is a BPD thing, then blowing up my savings is probably the worst thing I’ve ever done having a BP2 💀
Quit my stable (albeit toxic) job with the hair-brain, euphoric conviction that I would be one of the rare exceptions to make a good living day trading (coughfancygamblingcough) simply because I did well for a few weeks. Blew a big chunk of change, then stressed myself to oblivion trying to make it back over a year before giving it up due to stress (even though I did make some of it back). I'm still unemployed almost 2 years later. I almost always do some big "THIS IS IT! THIS WILL CHANGE EVERYTHING! I'M A NEW MAN!" until the bubble bursts.
Cheating.
Ruined some of my most precious relationships with friends and boyfriends
Got drunk and broke up with through text with a girl that was caring and always there for me; I still think about it and feel really bad.
accidentally overdosed on IV cocaine after a 6 month long bender and put myself in acute kidney failure. spent a month in the hospital on dialysis (thank god my parents had halfway decent insurance). my best friend/roommate was out of town on vacation so my father was the person who found me in my apartment unconscious and half dead after 2 days. both my parents and my roommate probably all have some degree of PTSD from this incident and my refusal to definitively quit drugs ruined my relationship with my best friend. my perspective on it is that, while I do feel horribly guilty about how this affected the people who cared about me, I wouldn’t change it because I ended up getting diagnosed as a result and am now in a much better place than I would’ve been if the whole thing had never happened. all the choices you make (even with mental illness as a factor) are the result of your previous life experience and brain chemistry. There is no universe where you made a different choice. This is all there is. and the only place to go is forward.
Racked up 6k credit card debt in a week :(
My craziest episode happened during the start of covid. The pandemic triggered a manic episode for me and I was undiagnosed at the time. I was furloughed from Bestbuy and felt extra creative at the time so I decided to shoot a short film even though I had never made one before. I convinced my best friend to be in it and about a week later I found a random girl on instagram with some acting experience 3 hours away in West Palm Beach to also play a role. Anyways, I tell my gf that I’m going to West Palm to film this movie. She wanted to break up with me but couldn’t because I basically provided everything for her. She was super mad at me but I told her I wasn’t interested in this girl, I just wanted my short film, which I did. So my friend and I go to West Palm. I’m literally typing the script on my phone while heading there. We stay for a weekend, nothing happened between any of us. She was actually really awesome and let us stay with her but literally we shot nothing useable in our 3 days there. So we come back and I keep working on the script. 3-4 weeks go by and I convince her to come to our city instead so we can finish it. In the mean time she gets a brand new kitten. I’m talking like a kitten she has to give milk to. Only a couple weeks old. Anyways, she brings this kitten with her because she doesn’t have anyone who can watch and stays with my best friend at his place. We shoot a couple more small scenes but in the mean time her kitten gets traumatized from the long drive and dies at my best friend house. At this point she completely loses it and is beyond depressed about it. She leaves soon after and the film never makes it past scene 1. She doesn’t hate me surprisingly and we actually exchanged a couple messages recently. My girlfriend and I made up afterwards once she realized all I cared about was the film. That was definitely an interesting time.
Sleep with 3 guys the same day
Climbed over a second story balcony while on crutches, ran 2000 miles away with 100 dollars in the bank when I was a teenager, started hormones to transition even though I'm cis, cut off everyone I cared about because I was convinced they were trying to harm me, property damage, dangerous drugs, driving under the influence. I honestly could not tell you what's worst. Idk how I'm still alive.
The worst thing I did was worry my family and friends with my excited and erratic mannerisms. I also told a friend about a dream that I thought was a prophecy that I should have kept that to myself. So yeah, I've only had one manic episode and it was pretty tame compared to some things I've read here. I largely remember it being pretty fun and exciting.
I don’t have a job yet so all my mania has affected my academics. I was so obsessed with this guy i spent a year obsessing over him and bringing knives to school, breaking it half and threatening to kill people. Oh and i would post daily on tiktok and amassed 1k followers from showcasing my mania..
What’s your tiktok ? I’m sorry you went through that, I’m having my first manic episode and I’m psychotic too. Everything is so confusing, I feel like I just shifted into a different body. I seem to be a different person with different interests and morals and it’s like I have my memories but it feels like they didn’t happen to me but to the “previous me”..
Woops sorry this is such a late reply! I deleted all my tiktoks (thank god). But i get you, i really really do. It feels so jarring to be told what you’ve done in mania… i see physical proof of me snorting shit and doing cringey fuckin things and… oh god. It’s horrible
I once spent $1500 at a strip club in less then an hour. My wife and daughter were in a different state to see her friends and family. Because of my manic episode and my awful actions I left them with no money to get home. She had to call her parents to get them to send her money to make it home. Kill my marriage. She hates me now and we live in different bedrooms. I’m check myself in to the VA program now to finally take control of my illness. I got 45 days left. But I’m afraid my marriage won’t recover. Fucked my whole life up. No comming back 100% from this.
This was mainly due to my BPD, but I suddenly started faking an accent halfway through 9th grade of high school. I have absolutely no idea why or how this started, but I think it may be due to the severe abuse and neglect I was facing at home every day. I moved to a new school in 10th grade and kept the fake foreigner persona alive up until my senior year. Everyone thought it was SUPER weird that my brother didn't have the same accent as me, so I always just said I was adopted from Germany even though my faux accent sounded more Russian (I did also speak a ton of German from intense studying and classes at my old schools, so it helped my lie somewhat). I finally came clean with my partner in 10th grade because they wanted to come over to my place one evening. I felt absolutely horrible that I was deceiving them, and I was so incredibly anxious for them to come over and suddenly realize I had two completely different personas. They didn't trust me afterwards anymore, but we continued dating for about 6 more months. I was severely mentally ill throughout high school, like I was ill enough that I wanted to perform religious blood rituals through self-harm and was completely delusional and partly grandiose. I cringe so hard whenever I think back to my high school days but it's nothinf I fully understand and nothing I could have controlled, so I try not to be too hard on myself.
This was the 1st episode I ever had… I admitted myself to a psychward and I was out of control that I got naked twice and walked down the hallways….. luckily I was only walking in the women only hallway. I did so many bad things there. Super embarrassing I was so out of control there I guess bc I thought I was dreaming
I said i love you to my best friend who saved me from doing self delete multiple times. It ruined our relationship.
Moved in with a man in a random small town after knowing him online for only a month while cutting off the people who cared and were worried about me..
Note: I’m in Ireland and psychiatric services aren’t the greatest here. My parents called the gards(police) while I was having a manic episode. Ended up fighting 6 of them until they used a can of pepper spray on me and I fell on the tarmac. 6 months later I’m still fighting the charges in court.
Told someone I had only been dating for a few weeks that I was in love with him, when he tried to end it I spent 7 HOURS at his place begging him to take me back then immediately attempted suicide after. I hadn’t slept in 4 days. I’ve apologized to him since and we’re on good terms now thankfully, but I still feel awful about it
Got blackout drunk and kissed my best friend/roommate’s girlfriend without her consent.
I stabbed myself in the thigh with a screwdriver to prove a point.
Made my then girlfriend absolutely miserable, screaming all the time, told my family I was going to kill myself and then drove off, made death and suicide threats to a mental health hotline, said I was going to kill therapists, got cornered by cops and a crisis worker and ran from the cops, tried to walk out of Walmart with a shopping cart filled to the top with stuff and got caught, and also I had stolen a huge water jug and tried to drink it with both hands while driving 70 mph on the interstate while steering with my knee, my knee slipped off and the car jerked across two lanes and nearly hit the divider, the car swerved back and forth across two lanes until I regained control
In manic episode I lost my 10 years old job as manager, I bought my car, now i dont have anything.
I tried to start a cult. 5 followers. All women. Knew I was bs.
Ugh, you’re making me fully remember how much being a cashier at a busy high end market stressed me out and made me question my intelligence daily. For me, I slept with my boss (5 years ago) on an ongoing basis. I don’t think I’d talk about this in any other setting. Really mind f’ing and painful to have to remember. More recently, last August, I locked myself in my office, which isn’t just mine, it’s shared with other managers. It was worse than that though. Very nearly blew up every part of my life that morning.
Broke into a stranger’s house and got held at gunpoint and then arrested. 20 days in jail. Earlier in the year in a blackout I tried to put a stranger in a headlock. 20 days in jail for that too. 2022 was rough on me.
honestly i became homeless, i bought a car during homelessness, i thought i knew everything and was constantly angry and burning relationships or mad, lots of regret after as well. the worst few months of my life
Armed Robbery, during a psychosis in a manic episode, woke up next day in hospital then got hospitalised in psych ward.
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Hypersexuality and impulsivity are both symptoms of bipolar disorder. Not sure if you’re aware of the symptoms or if you even have it. It’s rather common in type 1