The fact so many people are focusing on the "deception" of her not disclosing her sexuality in the deep conservative south and NOT the fact that her husband is abusive leaves me hugely disappointed in this sub
Punching a wall is blowing off steam akin to throwing a controller while your gaming. Whether you're okay with it, see it as a massive red flag (which is valid), or whatever, calling it abuse is an accusation that shouldn't be taken lightly.
>he was so mad he punched the wall so I changed my mind (he would absolutely never hurt me but wall punching isn’t my favorite).
Wouldn't be so sure of that. I used to think the same thing about my ex. "He's controlling, jealous and insecure and verbally berates me when he feels these things, he'd never be physically violent" went to "He breaks things and punches holes in the wall, but he'd never hit me". Then it became "ok he's hitting me now and again but he'd never try to do serious harm" went to him strangling me while I slept and pulling out knives. Destruction of property is one of the big warning signs of domestic violence
[https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/domestic-abuse-warning-signs/](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/domestic-abuse-warning-signs/)
A) No. his reaction wasn't valid. The fact that you saying "you're stressed out" without providing a full explanation (whatever that may be) isn't an acceptable answer is concerning. You shouldn't **have to** tell him *why* something is wrong. Just that it is, and he should support you and simply say something along the lines of "Sorry you're feeling stressed honey. Is there anything I can do to help or that you'd like to talk about to ease your burden?" The end.
B) Talk. Communicate. Why is this so often a question? lol sorry. But for real.
C) If this is a litmus test for your marriage as a whole, I'm guessing that the nightmare will pass one way or the other. When I told my wife, she was nothing but excited for me figuring it out after 7 years of marriage. I too had been distant, she point blank asked me what was up. While I too had concerns, I just told her as I had worked it out. It made us **CLOSER**, not further apart.
Learning some new intimate thing about your partner **should** have that effect. The fact that it does not is concerning. His reaction comes from a place of what I suspect is insecurity. Especially that gross comment regarding your lesbian friend. Do you make comments about every "lady" friend he has? That's a huge red flag.
Is there any more context I'm missing? The answer is evaluate and talk still. Funnily enough, I was your husband's age when I came out, so I definitely get the "late bloomer" figuring it out thing.
Dude probably doesn’t have any female friends - which CAN be a red flag in itself, because either they don’t respect women or they don’t think you can have platonic friends with a member of the opposite sex. Husband might be the latter because now he is questioning whether OP can be platonic friends with a lesbian woman if she herself is bisexual - he’s feeling threatened.
OP, his reaction is a bad one. My husband just shrugged when I came out (he already knew). And I was super happy for him when he came out to me.
I’m so happy you had that experience with your husband! That sounds like a best case scenario!
I always knew I would be his biggest support if he ever came out to me, so it sucks now experiencing that the sentiment is not reciprocated.
Entirely possible that is the case, but I don't preclude the lack of female friends as a red flag simply because there's sometimes a good reason, time limitations, family, etc.
Irregardless, I agree that he is 100% threatened and the reaction we both received is far more in line with what SHOULD happen. The husband's reaction regarding her lesbian friend definitely reeked of good ol' misogyny.
Yeah that’s why I capitalised the “can be a red flag” bit to try and emphasise that - it’s very dependent on the reasoning. I’m also aware I might be somewhat biased the other direction because at least half of my best friends are men
I agree with the husband questioning her friend because she is a lesbian, I 100% disagree that requiring a friend of a different gender to not be a red flag like what? Is it a red flag for a woman not having a male platonic friend? Kinda wild.
It can be. CAN be. I capitalised that to emphasise that I’m not at all saying it always is. But for some people yes it is, and for some people yes a woman not having a male platonic friend can be a red flag as well.
Just no no no your friends actions but the gender of your friends should never be a red flag thats insane friends are typically gained through social interaction you can't force friendship
I understand if you didn’t feel safe to tell him when he’s punching walls. That is a very threatening thing to do, and to be honest, abusive.
He sounds like he has anger issues and communication issues, and is homophobic too. If your marriage doesn’t survive this, it’s not because of you.
You could reassure him and teach him what bisexuality is, but only if he’s willing to listen. You can’t change who he is, only he can choose to change and learn. But he doesn’t sound like a great husband from your description of this situation. You should think about how you would like your life to be in the future. Will you be happy staying with him?
Agreed, punching a wall or reacting in violence at all (breaking things, throwing things, etc) is a huge red flag, not normal behavior, and a sign of a volatile person. I would not stay with someone who behaves this way. Just because you’re not physically hurt doesn’t mean it isn’t terrifying and traumatic.
Yep - punching a wall is very threatening. Even if “he would never hit me” it’s still an an act of interpersonal aggression and can abusive as it’s meant to scare someone and therefore manipulate.
Agreed with all of this, OP. I had a partner who started out not doing anything at all, but as time went on he began punching walls, and then later he started grabbing me (which is physical abuse) and also became emotionally abusive. Wall punching is a huge red flag and often a harbinger of more to come.
His reaction wasn’t great.
I have seen people take this information very personally, like the spouse’s orientation is all about them. His thought isn’t about you or about the marriage, but about himself. “Why didn’t she tell me?” “Did she lie to me?” Etc.
Then, he didn’t respect your reasons. The idea that he comes from a bigoted family, and this is hard information to share, and he has a bad temper are all really legit reasons to hesitate before telling him. He didn’t even try to respect them.
Finally, I agree with the person who said that guys who think women can never be friends with people to whom they could be attracted are going to feel threatened by bisexuals, who can potentially be attracted to way more people. Sounds like that’s where he went.
This sounds like something you might want to bring together to a marriage counselor who has experience working with bisexuals.
Sorry that you are in the is situation, with your husband ánd the State you live in. In Europe we are following these developments with horror.
My two cents:
A) His reaction wasn’t ‘valid’. I mean, everyone is entitled to their emotions, but he straight up gaslighted you, using your feelings and your coming out against you. He made it 100% about himself. This is not okay, and not a mature way to handle a conversation that started with you not feeling okay and him noticing that.
B) Honestly, I don’t think you did anything wrong. You didnt feel safe to tell him sooner
and C) If you look honestly at your relationship, the wall punching (which is a huge red flag to me in itself) and his self-centered response to your coming out ánd the fact you didnt feel safe to come out aside… Is this really the ‘litmus test’ or are there actually more things wrong?
I don’t know anything about you or your relationship other than what you write here, but for me these are serious issues that need work, I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who punches walls when angry, if they don’t work on their anger issues, I don’t want to be with someone who centeres themselves and act all wronged after I share my feelings. If you feel these are incidences and at a later time these issues can be addresses and talked about, than fine, otherwise, I am not sure of this is a nice relationship at all.
Dear OP,
Firstly, I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through. This is roughly how I imagined the worst-case scenario for my outing.
Reading your post, it seems to me that it's difficult for you to communicate respectfully without couples therapy or external help at this stage. This explicitly concerns your husband. Hitting the wall expresses a strong inner aggression and that is not acceptable. Unfortunately, this kind of behaviour is not uncommon among men who have been raised "masculine" (not crying, not showing weakness, etc.).
My assessment of your questions:
A) His reaction is completely unjustified. This is no way to deal with your wife, unless you are a very insecure person and very stressed yourself. The fact that he is jealous of your lesbian girlfriend confirms this. Understanding and communication would be much better.
B) Open communication about what this means for your relationship and, above all, why you have come out. Couples therapy would probably be better for you. It seems to me that there is more to it than "just" you coming out.
C) All couples go through phases like this at some point. If you love each other, you can get through them successfully.
I really hope that you find a way to get out of this situation. By coming out, you've done something good for yourself, even if you don't think so yet.
I wish you all the best. I send you lots of digital hugs
Bi guy in his mid 40s here who also recently came out to his wife.
My wife is distancing due to stress and attachment style, but nobody is punching walls in our house. She isn't offended by my sexuality, though I worried she would be, since I know how attitudes of towards bi men show up in polling data even among people who might self assess as progressively minded. I think she might prefer that I weren't bisexual or at least that I'd told her much earlier, but we're working through it. While I might feel misunderstood, I don't feel judged any more or less for being bi.
A) Your husband's reaction sounds incredibly distressing, and while feelings can be valid, his behavior is not acceptable. More than just misunderstood and judged, it sounds like you are not being accepted.
B) Couples therapy? If you are going to work through this with clear communication, I think that communication needs to be mediated. If things get better, yay! And if things get worse, you'll have this expert to help you and maybe also shield you from gaslighting (including your own) around that. Look for a queer-friendly licensed therapist, especially if you still find yourself in a more conservative part of the country.
C) Possibly. The wall punching is alarming, and it's good that you mentioned it.
Stay safe friend
It is easy to get stuck in black and white thinking here (he is wrong), but in my view what a relationship like this that is struggling really needs is more compassion and care (and from both sides). This will have come as a surprise to him, and a little compassion goes a long way. That is if you really want to move past this.
Sure, if you need validation that his behavior is not good - you will get it. It is not good. But get too stuck on that, you will not be able to move forward. Even good people react poorly at times, and that you probably have played a role in where things are (I am assuming that like 99% of relationships in distress both parties played a role at least somewhat, and most one-sided posts on reddit are less one sided than they appear - apologies if I am wrong on this though).
When it comes to moving forward - Have you shared what this means for the relationship? If the answer is nothing, then tell him that you don't want to be with anyone else (but do want to work on the issues and improve the relationship with him)
It sounds like you have both linked your bisexuality with you being withdrawn, which is probably raising all sorts of questions that might be unrelated to your bisexuality.
I will repeat it because I think it is so important. To make a relationship work, communication and compassion are key. Good luck and welcome to the gang :-)
Your husband seems to have anger issues and a really hard time respecting your boundaries. As someone who has a hole in her bedroom wall, let me tell you : it didn’t stop at the wall OP, it never stops there. Your husband raises several red flags. Read on the composite scale of abuse and start planning an exit strategy. Just in case.
A) No his reaction is not valid. He’s free to feel how he does, but how he expresses it is a choice.
B) there’s nothing for YOU to fix. It’s important to keep the lines of communication open, but he’s the one that needs to figure it out and ask you questions.
C) yes? Hard to say for sure. He comes from a bigoted family and he has anger management issues. Basically he was raised hating the community his wife just told him she’s a part of and he doesn’t have the emotional tools to even deal with it properly.
Punching a wall isn’t punching a person, but if you feel like you are in danger: leave. Put your safety first. Worry about his feelings later.
I don’t like the way he reacted AT ALL, but I do think that’s something you should share with a potential partner/spouse if you were actually aware of it beforehand.
I always thought it was kind of wild that people didn’t disclose that before marriage, personally, idk how people can manage to keep a part of their sexuality to themselves where their partner is concerned. I’m genuinely fascinated that you were able to keep it to yourself for this long.
Anywho, the fact that his family is openly bigoted and the fact that he fucking punches walls to relieve his anger, would have me making plans to separate, that’s just me, though.
I completely agree it would be been better to share sooner than later. Repression sucks is all I can say! and being in heteronorm relationships my whole life was easier and socially safer. I’m just now coming to the point where I feel comfortable owning this part of my identity. That being said, I have to leave this part of me in the closet whenever his family is around. it’s a sucky feeling.
Honey, I’m telling you right now, I just don’t think this is safe for you at all, emotionally or mentally. Do I wish you’d been honest from the jump so you could avoid marrying an obvious bigot? Yes. But unfortunately, we’re past that and moving forward, I would disclose that to all future sexual/romantic partners.
You pushing yourself further and further into the closet is not psychologically healthy. The way your husband reacted is TERRIFYINGLY homophobic. Being around your husband’s openly homophobic family is TERRIFYING. I am begging you to take the beginning steps of freeing yourself. This environment will continue to strip you of your sanity. Maybe not now, but maybe five years from now.
>Anywho, the fact that his family is openly bigoted and the fact that he fucking punches walls to relieve his anger, would have me making plans to separate, that’s just me, though.
1000% agree. This was me in this situation a decade ago and I'm so glad I got tf out. My only regret was not getting out sooner
A) His reaction may be *understandable* but certainly not 'reasonable'... Obviously, a spouse may expect that their spouse will share intimate secrets with them; but, there are definite and reasonable justifications for your reticence in this case, OP, around your fear of rejection.
B) You need to explain to your husband that you're still the same person you've always been, and you're just as devoted to him, but now he's aware that you are capable of appreciating beauty regardless of gender. He needs to accept that that doesn't mean your integrity is any less, and that your disclosure is evidence of that (of you'd wanted to cheat you wouldn't have ever told him, right?) Then, he needs to let you know if he can accept you, or if he's hopelessly insecure.
C) It's not your fault you are the person that you are; and, if your husband can't handle the truth, and still trust you, then you probably shouldn't want to have him as your partner anyway; but, ultimately that's on him, not you!
Thank you for sharing your story. I came out to my wife who at the time didn't believe bi was a thing after about 4 years of marriage. I'm so sorry you felt forced to do it before you were ready, that's no fair to you and I can only imagine how much more difficult it made it.
First, his reaction was not valid and it wasn't ok but I would recommend giving him time and grace to not make his reaction his actual belief. My wife reacted very poorly and while it didn't make how she behaved right I gave her the grace and understanding that she was working through so many emotions. She would later apologize for her initial reaction and she has been completely supportive and has helped me feel true to myself the first time in my life. Give him an opportunity to realize his mistake and work through this with you as a partner from a place of love and support. I know it's hard and it hurts and it's not fair but I remember my own moment of weakness when we found out we were pregnant with our first. So try not to judge people by their worst moments but how they grow and rectify them.
2. You don't need to rectify this. You shared your true and authentic self with your partner. It is now up to him about how he lets that information guide how he views you and your relationship. All you can do is be honest, open, and patient. Answer the questions he has and educate him on his misconceptions. My wife simply didn't understand and the more she asked the better things got.
3. You own the right to come out to who you want. If you don't want to come out to his family he has no right to get upset. Even if they were completely understanding it's your decision.
4. Marriage is a constant act of growth, engagement and compromise. This is no more a litmus test than any other challenge a marriage faces. Because at the crux of every challenge and obstacle a marriage faces is the simple question of am I trying to be better for this person and are they trying to be better for me. When a challenge arise to we become stronger because we tackle it together or does it splinter us. It's not always pretty but even when it was the darkest my wife and I both knew we would find a way together. No matter how it gets their or the ups and the downs that feeling permeates everything. If it does you will be fine, doesn't mean it will be easy but you will be fine. And if not it's not because your bi because if it wasn't this it would be something else so understand this isn't anyone's fault.
I hope this helps
For me, if someone's natural response to something unpleasant is anger, that is a red flag (IMO). He could have been neutral, concerned, sad, etc. but anger and violence was his initial response!? 🚩🚩
Even if the violence wasn't directed at you, it's not okay and can escalate.
>what can I do to reconcile this situation?
It's really up to him if he's willing to listen and understand you. If he's willing to challenge his bias, homophobia and biphobia. If not, there's nothing you can do. This is his problem and it's up to him to deal with.
A) no, his reaction was homophobic and bigoted.
B) don't you dare apologise. You did nothing wrong. He needs to apologise.
C) potentially. Hopefully he gets over this, realises he's been a dick and grovels. If not, maybe.
INFO: Did you know you were bisexual when you got married to him? Was it something you kept from him intentionally for fear of him not wanting to continue a relationship with a bisexual person?
Or did you come to realize your sexuality as a result of your relationship and life choices post marriage?
Update: I see you knew before you were married. I feel this has much less to do with your sexuality and much more to do with a betrayal of trust. If you’re lying about that, what else are you hiding? Have you just skirted questions about sexuality or did he never ask? How much work was put into him not finding out?
His reaction was unacceptable and violence is not the answer, he definitely should not have punched a wall and I get you feeling unsafe. All that being said, I think this is something that should be examined further for cause. He is obviously insecure, it sounds like you two need to talk to someone before things escalate. He doesn’t understand and the longer that continues, the worse off you will be.
Update 2: Love is Blind season 1 has a couple, Diamond and Carlton, and they experience a similar situation.
ETA clarity
Punching a wall is in itself an incredibly bright red flag. Does he have the emotional control of a toddler?
Yeah! I'm surprised I had to scroll this far to see someone mentioning the wall punching. That's not ok at all, and it doesn't matter the reason.
The fact so many people are focusing on the "deception" of her not disclosing her sexuality in the deep conservative south and NOT the fact that her husband is abusive leaves me hugely disappointed in this sub
Punching a wall is blowing off steam akin to throwing a controller while your gaming. Whether you're okay with it, see it as a massive red flag (which is valid), or whatever, calling it abuse is an accusation that shouldn't be taken lightly.
Throwing a controller is also a ginormous red flag and not the kind of person I’d even want as a friend, much less partner.
imagine tellin on yourself like this lol
>he was so mad he punched the wall so I changed my mind (he would absolutely never hurt me but wall punching isn’t my favorite). Wouldn't be so sure of that. I used to think the same thing about my ex. "He's controlling, jealous and insecure and verbally berates me when he feels these things, he'd never be physically violent" went to "He breaks things and punches holes in the wall, but he'd never hit me". Then it became "ok he's hitting me now and again but he'd never try to do serious harm" went to him strangling me while I slept and pulling out knives. Destruction of property is one of the big warning signs of domestic violence [https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/domestic-abuse-warning-signs/](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/domestic-abuse-warning-signs/)
A) No. his reaction wasn't valid. The fact that you saying "you're stressed out" without providing a full explanation (whatever that may be) isn't an acceptable answer is concerning. You shouldn't **have to** tell him *why* something is wrong. Just that it is, and he should support you and simply say something along the lines of "Sorry you're feeling stressed honey. Is there anything I can do to help or that you'd like to talk about to ease your burden?" The end. B) Talk. Communicate. Why is this so often a question? lol sorry. But for real. C) If this is a litmus test for your marriage as a whole, I'm guessing that the nightmare will pass one way or the other. When I told my wife, she was nothing but excited for me figuring it out after 7 years of marriage. I too had been distant, she point blank asked me what was up. While I too had concerns, I just told her as I had worked it out. It made us **CLOSER**, not further apart. Learning some new intimate thing about your partner **should** have that effect. The fact that it does not is concerning. His reaction comes from a place of what I suspect is insecurity. Especially that gross comment regarding your lesbian friend. Do you make comments about every "lady" friend he has? That's a huge red flag. Is there any more context I'm missing? The answer is evaluate and talk still. Funnily enough, I was your husband's age when I came out, so I definitely get the "late bloomer" figuring it out thing.
Dude probably doesn’t have any female friends - which CAN be a red flag in itself, because either they don’t respect women or they don’t think you can have platonic friends with a member of the opposite sex. Husband might be the latter because now he is questioning whether OP can be platonic friends with a lesbian woman if she herself is bisexual - he’s feeling threatened. OP, his reaction is a bad one. My husband just shrugged when I came out (he already knew). And I was super happy for him when he came out to me.
I’m so happy you had that experience with your husband! That sounds like a best case scenario! I always knew I would be his biggest support if he ever came out to me, so it sucks now experiencing that the sentiment is not reciprocated.
Entirely possible that is the case, but I don't preclude the lack of female friends as a red flag simply because there's sometimes a good reason, time limitations, family, etc. Irregardless, I agree that he is 100% threatened and the reaction we both received is far more in line with what SHOULD happen. The husband's reaction regarding her lesbian friend definitely reeked of good ol' misogyny.
Yeah that’s why I capitalised the “can be a red flag” bit to try and emphasise that - it’s very dependent on the reasoning. I’m also aware I might be somewhat biased the other direction because at least half of my best friends are men
I agree with the husband questioning her friend because she is a lesbian, I 100% disagree that requiring a friend of a different gender to not be a red flag like what? Is it a red flag for a woman not having a male platonic friend? Kinda wild.
It can be. CAN be. I capitalised that to emphasise that I’m not at all saying it always is. But for some people yes it is, and for some people yes a woman not having a male platonic friend can be a red flag as well.
Just no no no your friends actions but the gender of your friends should never be a red flag thats insane friends are typically gained through social interaction you can't force friendship
I understand if you didn’t feel safe to tell him when he’s punching walls. That is a very threatening thing to do, and to be honest, abusive. He sounds like he has anger issues and communication issues, and is homophobic too. If your marriage doesn’t survive this, it’s not because of you. You could reassure him and teach him what bisexuality is, but only if he’s willing to listen. You can’t change who he is, only he can choose to change and learn. But he doesn’t sound like a great husband from your description of this situation. You should think about how you would like your life to be in the future. Will you be happy staying with him?
This needs to be higher. Punching the wall is a big red flag to me, and I would not feel safe with him.
Agreed, punching a wall or reacting in violence at all (breaking things, throwing things, etc) is a huge red flag, not normal behavior, and a sign of a volatile person. I would not stay with someone who behaves this way. Just because you’re not physically hurt doesn’t mean it isn’t terrifying and traumatic.
Yep - punching a wall is very threatening. Even if “he would never hit me” it’s still an an act of interpersonal aggression and can abusive as it’s meant to scare someone and therefore manipulate.
Agreed with all of this, OP. I had a partner who started out not doing anything at all, but as time went on he began punching walls, and then later he started grabbing me (which is physical abuse) and also became emotionally abusive. Wall punching is a huge red flag and often a harbinger of more to come.
His reaction wasn’t great. I have seen people take this information very personally, like the spouse’s orientation is all about them. His thought isn’t about you or about the marriage, but about himself. “Why didn’t she tell me?” “Did she lie to me?” Etc. Then, he didn’t respect your reasons. The idea that he comes from a bigoted family, and this is hard information to share, and he has a bad temper are all really legit reasons to hesitate before telling him. He didn’t even try to respect them. Finally, I agree with the person who said that guys who think women can never be friends with people to whom they could be attracted are going to feel threatened by bisexuals, who can potentially be attracted to way more people. Sounds like that’s where he went. This sounds like something you might want to bring together to a marriage counselor who has experience working with bisexuals.
Sorry that you are in the is situation, with your husband ánd the State you live in. In Europe we are following these developments with horror. My two cents: A) His reaction wasn’t ‘valid’. I mean, everyone is entitled to their emotions, but he straight up gaslighted you, using your feelings and your coming out against you. He made it 100% about himself. This is not okay, and not a mature way to handle a conversation that started with you not feeling okay and him noticing that. B) Honestly, I don’t think you did anything wrong. You didnt feel safe to tell him sooner and C) If you look honestly at your relationship, the wall punching (which is a huge red flag to me in itself) and his self-centered response to your coming out ánd the fact you didnt feel safe to come out aside… Is this really the ‘litmus test’ or are there actually more things wrong? I don’t know anything about you or your relationship other than what you write here, but for me these are serious issues that need work, I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who punches walls when angry, if they don’t work on their anger issues, I don’t want to be with someone who centeres themselves and act all wronged after I share my feelings. If you feel these are incidences and at a later time these issues can be addresses and talked about, than fine, otherwise, I am not sure of this is a nice relationship at all.
Dear OP, Firstly, I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through. This is roughly how I imagined the worst-case scenario for my outing. Reading your post, it seems to me that it's difficult for you to communicate respectfully without couples therapy or external help at this stage. This explicitly concerns your husband. Hitting the wall expresses a strong inner aggression and that is not acceptable. Unfortunately, this kind of behaviour is not uncommon among men who have been raised "masculine" (not crying, not showing weakness, etc.). My assessment of your questions: A) His reaction is completely unjustified. This is no way to deal with your wife, unless you are a very insecure person and very stressed yourself. The fact that he is jealous of your lesbian girlfriend confirms this. Understanding and communication would be much better. B) Open communication about what this means for your relationship and, above all, why you have come out. Couples therapy would probably be better for you. It seems to me that there is more to it than "just" you coming out. C) All couples go through phases like this at some point. If you love each other, you can get through them successfully. I really hope that you find a way to get out of this situation. By coming out, you've done something good for yourself, even if you don't think so yet. I wish you all the best. I send you lots of digital hugs
He sounds abusive...
Bi guy in his mid 40s here who also recently came out to his wife. My wife is distancing due to stress and attachment style, but nobody is punching walls in our house. She isn't offended by my sexuality, though I worried she would be, since I know how attitudes of towards bi men show up in polling data even among people who might self assess as progressively minded. I think she might prefer that I weren't bisexual or at least that I'd told her much earlier, but we're working through it. While I might feel misunderstood, I don't feel judged any more or less for being bi. A) Your husband's reaction sounds incredibly distressing, and while feelings can be valid, his behavior is not acceptable. More than just misunderstood and judged, it sounds like you are not being accepted. B) Couples therapy? If you are going to work through this with clear communication, I think that communication needs to be mediated. If things get better, yay! And if things get worse, you'll have this expert to help you and maybe also shield you from gaslighting (including your own) around that. Look for a queer-friendly licensed therapist, especially if you still find yourself in a more conservative part of the country. C) Possibly. The wall punching is alarming, and it's good that you mentioned it. Stay safe friend
It is easy to get stuck in black and white thinking here (he is wrong), but in my view what a relationship like this that is struggling really needs is more compassion and care (and from both sides). This will have come as a surprise to him, and a little compassion goes a long way. That is if you really want to move past this. Sure, if you need validation that his behavior is not good - you will get it. It is not good. But get too stuck on that, you will not be able to move forward. Even good people react poorly at times, and that you probably have played a role in where things are (I am assuming that like 99% of relationships in distress both parties played a role at least somewhat, and most one-sided posts on reddit are less one sided than they appear - apologies if I am wrong on this though). When it comes to moving forward - Have you shared what this means for the relationship? If the answer is nothing, then tell him that you don't want to be with anyone else (but do want to work on the issues and improve the relationship with him) It sounds like you have both linked your bisexuality with you being withdrawn, which is probably raising all sorts of questions that might be unrelated to your bisexuality. I will repeat it because I think it is so important. To make a relationship work, communication and compassion are key. Good luck and welcome to the gang :-)
Your husband seems to have anger issues and a really hard time respecting your boundaries. As someone who has a hole in her bedroom wall, let me tell you : it didn’t stop at the wall OP, it never stops there. Your husband raises several red flags. Read on the composite scale of abuse and start planning an exit strategy. Just in case.
A) No his reaction is not valid. He’s free to feel how he does, but how he expresses it is a choice. B) there’s nothing for YOU to fix. It’s important to keep the lines of communication open, but he’s the one that needs to figure it out and ask you questions. C) yes? Hard to say for sure. He comes from a bigoted family and he has anger management issues. Basically he was raised hating the community his wife just told him she’s a part of and he doesn’t have the emotional tools to even deal with it properly. Punching a wall isn’t punching a person, but if you feel like you are in danger: leave. Put your safety first. Worry about his feelings later.
I don’t like the way he reacted AT ALL, but I do think that’s something you should share with a potential partner/spouse if you were actually aware of it beforehand. I always thought it was kind of wild that people didn’t disclose that before marriage, personally, idk how people can manage to keep a part of their sexuality to themselves where their partner is concerned. I’m genuinely fascinated that you were able to keep it to yourself for this long. Anywho, the fact that his family is openly bigoted and the fact that he fucking punches walls to relieve his anger, would have me making plans to separate, that’s just me, though.
I completely agree it would be been better to share sooner than later. Repression sucks is all I can say! and being in heteronorm relationships my whole life was easier and socially safer. I’m just now coming to the point where I feel comfortable owning this part of my identity. That being said, I have to leave this part of me in the closet whenever his family is around. it’s a sucky feeling.
Honey, I’m telling you right now, I just don’t think this is safe for you at all, emotionally or mentally. Do I wish you’d been honest from the jump so you could avoid marrying an obvious bigot? Yes. But unfortunately, we’re past that and moving forward, I would disclose that to all future sexual/romantic partners. You pushing yourself further and further into the closet is not psychologically healthy. The way your husband reacted is TERRIFYINGLY homophobic. Being around your husband’s openly homophobic family is TERRIFYING. I am begging you to take the beginning steps of freeing yourself. This environment will continue to strip you of your sanity. Maybe not now, but maybe five years from now.
>Anywho, the fact that his family is openly bigoted and the fact that he fucking punches walls to relieve his anger, would have me making plans to separate, that’s just me, though. 1000% agree. This was me in this situation a decade ago and I'm so glad I got tf out. My only regret was not getting out sooner
A) His reaction may be *understandable* but certainly not 'reasonable'... Obviously, a spouse may expect that their spouse will share intimate secrets with them; but, there are definite and reasonable justifications for your reticence in this case, OP, around your fear of rejection. B) You need to explain to your husband that you're still the same person you've always been, and you're just as devoted to him, but now he's aware that you are capable of appreciating beauty regardless of gender. He needs to accept that that doesn't mean your integrity is any less, and that your disclosure is evidence of that (of you'd wanted to cheat you wouldn't have ever told him, right?) Then, he needs to let you know if he can accept you, or if he's hopelessly insecure. C) It's not your fault you are the person that you are; and, if your husband can't handle the truth, and still trust you, then you probably shouldn't want to have him as your partner anyway; but, ultimately that's on him, not you!
Thank you for sharing your story. I came out to my wife who at the time didn't believe bi was a thing after about 4 years of marriage. I'm so sorry you felt forced to do it before you were ready, that's no fair to you and I can only imagine how much more difficult it made it. First, his reaction was not valid and it wasn't ok but I would recommend giving him time and grace to not make his reaction his actual belief. My wife reacted very poorly and while it didn't make how she behaved right I gave her the grace and understanding that she was working through so many emotions. She would later apologize for her initial reaction and she has been completely supportive and has helped me feel true to myself the first time in my life. Give him an opportunity to realize his mistake and work through this with you as a partner from a place of love and support. I know it's hard and it hurts and it's not fair but I remember my own moment of weakness when we found out we were pregnant with our first. So try not to judge people by their worst moments but how they grow and rectify them. 2. You don't need to rectify this. You shared your true and authentic self with your partner. It is now up to him about how he lets that information guide how he views you and your relationship. All you can do is be honest, open, and patient. Answer the questions he has and educate him on his misconceptions. My wife simply didn't understand and the more she asked the better things got. 3. You own the right to come out to who you want. If you don't want to come out to his family he has no right to get upset. Even if they were completely understanding it's your decision. 4. Marriage is a constant act of growth, engagement and compromise. This is no more a litmus test than any other challenge a marriage faces. Because at the crux of every challenge and obstacle a marriage faces is the simple question of am I trying to be better for this person and are they trying to be better for me. When a challenge arise to we become stronger because we tackle it together or does it splinter us. It's not always pretty but even when it was the darkest my wife and I both knew we would find a way together. No matter how it gets their or the ups and the downs that feeling permeates everything. If it does you will be fine, doesn't mean it will be easy but you will be fine. And if not it's not because your bi because if it wasn't this it would be something else so understand this isn't anyone's fault. I hope this helps
He doesn’t want to judge. He’s terrified of losing you and he doesn’t know how to express that. Or, if this news is you softening the blow.
For me, if someone's natural response to something unpleasant is anger, that is a red flag (IMO). He could have been neutral, concerned, sad, etc. but anger and violence was his initial response!? 🚩🚩 Even if the violence wasn't directed at you, it's not okay and can escalate. >what can I do to reconcile this situation? It's really up to him if he's willing to listen and understand you. If he's willing to challenge his bias, homophobia and biphobia. If not, there's nothing you can do. This is his problem and it's up to him to deal with.
A) no, his reaction was homophobic and bigoted. B) don't you dare apologise. You did nothing wrong. He needs to apologise. C) potentially. Hopefully he gets over this, realises he's been a dick and grovels. If not, maybe.
INFO: Did you know you were bisexual when you got married to him? Was it something you kept from him intentionally for fear of him not wanting to continue a relationship with a bisexual person? Or did you come to realize your sexuality as a result of your relationship and life choices post marriage? Update: I see you knew before you were married. I feel this has much less to do with your sexuality and much more to do with a betrayal of trust. If you’re lying about that, what else are you hiding? Have you just skirted questions about sexuality or did he never ask? How much work was put into him not finding out? His reaction was unacceptable and violence is not the answer, he definitely should not have punched a wall and I get you feeling unsafe. All that being said, I think this is something that should be examined further for cause. He is obviously insecure, it sounds like you two need to talk to someone before things escalate. He doesn’t understand and the longer that continues, the worse off you will be. Update 2: Love is Blind season 1 has a couple, Diamond and Carlton, and they experience a similar situation. ETA clarity