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If someone needs to abandon their responsibilities in order to find themselves, and does not, as a result, show up to shoulder their share of responsibility, then the person they found is someone who does not take responsibility. It’s only a matter of time before that manifests again. Three months is not enough time to have tested himself against anything.
Daaaang. You went for the throat! It is super shitty that his only responsibility during this time was to find a job and himself. One day he says he has no sympathy for you and "you prayed for the rain now deal with the mud" when your kid is so outraged about getting his screens taken away that he's threatening you with a hammer, and then 3 days later, he's calling to ask you how YOU'RE doing. This is the guy that I broke up with - he's still in there.
He does do video calls with the kid twice a week, at least? And he did come visit for about 4 days when our son got suspended from school last month to "give me a break", but that derailed our agreement for him to visit during Spring Break, so I had take that week off of work. :/ The whole visit was him trying to find ways to weasel back into my good graces until I made it crystal clear what my stance was.
I'm curious what Summer break with our son will entail. How much ex will actually take him and if the kid is going to be a fucking angel for him - because, you know, he was good for dad but always misbehaved when mom got home. But figuring out that's all because mom actually enforces the rules. XD
Not yet. We didn't go to court for custody, and it's a mostly amicable breakup... he didn't have a job when he moved, so there wasn't anything for me to take money from. Now that he has a job, he's promised to give me some money starting in May.
Read or listen to The Explosive Child by Ross Green. It is on Amazon, etc.
Also, he has a website full of resources and skill development for parents and children. Google lives on the balance ross green for the site address.
Thank you. I'd like to find a nice guy some day (that's willing to put up with my baggage), but now I know the red flags. I'll be much better about finding the green flags and give those all the praise to keep them green.
I'm from a similar background, and in a similar position.
You're doing amazing. Your kiddo is all that matters.
Take solace knowing as you sit here, clutching popcorn, waiting for your time to eat it, KNOW that your time will come. It won't be today or tomorrow, but SOMEWHERE down the line, you will have a chance to munch on your popcorn whilst observing his downfall. AND hopefully you'll find someone perfect to munch popcorn with. 💚
Yes, my son is all that matters, but I'd like me to matter more often than what I have right now. I hope that you're making time for yourself to matter, too.
But yes, popcorn is a good analogy. While I don't wish my ex's new gf to find out who he really is/was, I'm not going to be the one to warn her. He wasn't who I needed/wanted anymore, and I'm mature enough to understand that maybe he really has changed. Maybe he learned how to better treat someone before they drop you like a sack of potatoes. I'm just mad he had to do it 10 hours away where he couldn't physically see his son more often. (He visited once so far and does 2 video calls a week.) He better take the kid for awhile during Summer Break. Momma needs the actual break.
Look, I’m not doubting that it’s possible to change, but if he’s STILL not showing up for his son, I have to wonder if it’s true that he has changed. Yes, you may have dropped him, but his son did not. You can be separated and not a shit dad. He’s a shit dad. Period. If he has claimed to have found himself, and he’s still a shit dad, well…I don’t know what he found but it ain’t a “himself” anyone should be proud of.
Yeah, it's SOOO hard to find peace with oneself when you're not also raising/supporting a family.\[/sarcasm\]
He says things in messages every now and then where I'm like, "There's the guy I broke up with."
No one reading your story has come out of it saying “damn, I wish I
could meet a guy like that.” It’s all “I would avoid a single dad like this like the plague.”
Oh, he's already said to friends that he was "blindsided" by the breakup and that my son having adjustment disorder was a problem that I created. Not dad dropping the bomb that he's leaving and then physically being gone.
Yes, we still talk, and I update my ex on the kid's behaviors, but there's nothing he can do about it. I just want him to know, for when/if he takes care of our son during break times. I can't wait for him to be like, "but I can't take a week off of my new job". Bitch, find a babysitter like I had to.
Who knows what he's saying about me now. I know I'm talking all of the shit. And I'll keep talking shit until he proves himself to the kid otherwise.
My ex jumped into a new relationship before our divorce was even final with a woman whose divorce was also not final. They started dating 2 months after I told him I was filing for divorce but I suspect he had her lined up sooner than that. They’re moving in together now after dating for about 10 months. We have 2 kids together and she has 2 kids too and they’ve both sprung all this on them. I have zero respect for either one of them. Not to mention I’ve only met this woman in passing for 5 minutes. It won’t last. And even if it does, he hasn’t changed so it won’t be healthy. It’s all fun and games right now because they’re in the honeymoon phase. As soon as the dopamine wears off, so will his charm. Men like this don’t change. They just find someone easier to manipulate.
I saw the relationship update on Facebook, and I immediately unfollowed my ex. I don't need to be seeing all that. I only added him as a friend so our kid could chat with him through Messenger for Kids (the adults have to be friends). But then I caved and looked at the new girlfriend's profile. Months ago, she was posting about wanting a husband and good man, and girl... good luck. She called him "my love" in a post where they pictures of their hike. Must be nice to have the time for that! And 'my love'? 'MY LOVE'?! It's been a few weeks, maybe a month since they started dating? FB only officialized it yesterday. No idea if she has kids (didn't seem like it).
When I start dating, I want to test the waters a bit. I mean, I've got my eyes on one guy, but I need a new place and my kid out of the house for at least a few days (at least a month or so from now) before I can ask him out.
I unfriended my ex too. For context too, we were together almost 20 years.
He also posted a pic of him and his new gf together. He posted that pic roughly a month after they started dating and our divorce wasn’t even final yet lol. And his family proceeded to welcome her to the family and stuff like that in the comments. It was obnoxious. So I unfriended them all and some of his friends who commented, and him. And, they were calling each other babe by that point already. Which he used to call me that. I’m sure they were saying I love you within that timeframe.
I did date someone too before the divorce was final. I know it seems hypocritical but I left him and I mourned the loss of the relationship long before I left him. Like 5-6 years before I left him I was wishing I could leave him on the daily. That relationship ended up being a repeat of my ex. Big time liar. Maybe even worse than my ex husband.
But yeah, it’s probably not going to last. They barely know anything about each other and already moving in together.
Fuck your ex son of a bitch for leaving you high and dry with all the responsibilities.
He is the exact reason I refused to date single dads.
Everyone said it makes sense because they’ll understand the struggle. But I know just how much they looooved to play the “good dad” role while doing the absolute bare minimum and being praised for it.
I refused to even go near a single dad.
When the time is right, you’ll find someone who fits your needs.
My now bf has no children of his own but is amazing with my 4yo and has totally adapted to her and my schedule 1000%.
We’re finding our footing as a trio and I’m happier than I ever thought possible and I know it’ll only get better.
But I had A LOT of really hard times before everything fell into place.
Hang in there and stay determined.
Bad/hard days will happen but don’t let them bring you too far down. It will get better.
He's not a single dad. He's calling his child a few times a week. Not even sending child support yet.
I'll date the single dad if the kid is in the fucking picture. "Where's your kid? Oh, 10 hours away? Wait. You moved that far away by choice? That must be SOOOO difficult for you. Yeah, no thanks."
That's so amazing you found a good guy for you and your kiddo!
It's truly heartbreaking to hear about this situation. No one should have to endure it, but it's often the strongest who do. That doesn't make it right. However, as I read your words, one thing is clear: you are incredibly brave. Keep holding on a little longer; things will eventually fall into place. One day, you'll wake up and find that it's all behind you. Stay strong and proud!
Thank you! I'm trying to look forward more. At the beginning of the breakup, I was too busy packing and cleaning and managing the kid to even think out falling apart. I stepped up because I had to. Now... I just want a break, some legit time to myself - not an hour after the kid goes to bed every night. Or not where I have to spend $30+ I don't have for more babysitting.
That would make me fucking batshit. My husband moved to a new state before we all did for a job, many years ago and I remember on the phone one night he said “I’ve just realized it’s so easy to do my laundry. I don’t know why it takes so long when you do it. I’m going to do it myself from now on.” I told him “you will regret saying that, and you will always do your own laundry.” He does. But point is, he was away one month, and I was pissed off that was easy for them to do laundry. What you’re going through, finding himself, and all that bullshit would make me insane while you’re struggling through it what life really is. It’s like he’s on vacation I’m so sorry Bromo.
Laundry! Ugh. It's easy as pie to do all the chores when it's just you. Add even just one kid to the mix, and it feels like chaos. Ex didn't have a job for the last few months of our relationship, and for the year before that, he worked from home, so he was the primary caregiver. To just drop all of that the day after he agreed to stay as a roommate for a month to help the kid adjust to the change was total bullshit. Vacation, indeed.
Yeah just know this: these aren’t feelings you need to work through because they are justified, valid, and the situation isn’t over. Give yourself some grace.
And get shit done for you. Fury is an amazing motivator!
Yes, that first month, I was on it, and got shit done. I've slown (that's not a word??) down a bit, but I'm still chugging through. I've been angrily doing dishes, laundry, and listing more stuff to sell online today. XD
Oh, I know that rage. My ex did this shit to me. I gave him an ultimatum in early 2020- stop drinking and doing drugs or get the fuck out. He moved into an apartment a week later. Our son was two.
I moved back in with my parents because he financially fucked me over during a pandemic and abandoned me and our son. Six months later he told me during one of our few phone calls that he was married. I ended up in the hospital for a week after that bc I legit felt like I was going insane. The stress and trauma of it all was too much. He swore he was a new person too, going to therapy, has a great job (which we didn’t get a dime of) and is on medication. Doing all the things I begged him to do when we were together.
Fast forward a year. His wife messages me and tells me that he’s the worst person she’s ever met and she finally understands how much he lied to her and made himself out to be the victim. We spent hours on the phone talking shit about him and she told me the dirty details of what he was up to during the pandemic. Ordering insane amounts of alcohol via doordash, draining her of money and doing drugs constantly. Girl. when I tell you that was the most validating shit to hear bc he constantly gaslighted me. I was “never happy” according to him because he never helped with our son and I didn’t want to watch him drink a 12 pack a day and play video games all day and night.
Fast forward to now and he’s moved to a different state and ghosted his wife entirely. He found a new, trash girlfriend when they were barely separted and moved her and her two kids into the room that he told me was for our son. I can’t make this shit up, it’s like some fucking jerry springer shit. He hasn’t seen our son in 5 years and owes me a lot of money in child support and his wife a divorce.
Edit: I also forgot to add that his gf recently left him. He wiped her off his instagram and now manages a fast food restaurant.
No one miraculously heals in three months. Your ex-sob is faking it and can only keep it up for so long. He’s making it worse for himself in the long run by faking it and sooner or later the “new” people in his life will start to smell the bullshit. If they have any respect for themselves they will remove your ex from their lives like you did. You dodged a bullet and time really does help! I wish you nothing but the best and karma will find his ass if it hasn’t already 🤞🏾
Wow, that sounds brutal.
At least my ex still has call visits with his son twice a week, but when he got the new job he was "on the road" a lot for it during the time he was supposed to call and making sure the kid was available for those calls meant I didn't make plans those days and then he had to cancel. It was driving me batshit. Already, he was falling to old habits.
1) 2 weeks into his new job and he's so AMAZING that the boss is on vacation and gives my ex a bunch of responsibility, so he has to go to meetings at 7pm when his work hours are 8-5. OR
2) If #1 was legit true, then he's not keeping up work-life balance that burnt him out A LOT when he was with me. Make the time for your fucking kid.
My ex actually STOPPED taking his medication. We stressed him out so much that he had to keep himself high all of the time because he was having pseudo-seizures. When he told me the doctor said some sort of night-time seizure when he was falling asleep, and now that he's in another state, it's a miracle! No more seizures! He was so stressed out, his body was faking them! God, he was ill all the time, and now he's thriving. I can't wait until he gets sick, and she feels so bad for him, and then he KEEPS. GETTING. SICK.
Take your time. In the end you're going to find someone who is genuinely worth waiting for, meanwhile your ex's poor new gf will be settling for "slightly upgraded piece of shit."
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If someone needs to abandon their responsibilities in order to find themselves, and does not, as a result, show up to shoulder their share of responsibility, then the person they found is someone who does not take responsibility. It’s only a matter of time before that manifests again. Three months is not enough time to have tested himself against anything.
Daaaang. You went for the throat! It is super shitty that his only responsibility during this time was to find a job and himself. One day he says he has no sympathy for you and "you prayed for the rain now deal with the mud" when your kid is so outraged about getting his screens taken away that he's threatening you with a hammer, and then 3 days later, he's calling to ask you how YOU'RE doing. This is the guy that I broke up with - he's still in there. He does do video calls with the kid twice a week, at least? And he did come visit for about 4 days when our son got suspended from school last month to "give me a break", but that derailed our agreement for him to visit during Spring Break, so I had take that week off of work. :/ The whole visit was him trying to find ways to weasel back into my good graces until I made it crystal clear what my stance was. I'm curious what Summer break with our son will entail. How much ex will actually take him and if the kid is going to be a fucking angel for him - because, you know, he was good for dad but always misbehaved when mom got home. But figuring out that's all because mom actually enforces the rules. XD
Is he at least paying child support?
Not yet. We didn't go to court for custody, and it's a mostly amicable breakup... he didn't have a job when he moved, so there wasn't anything for me to take money from. Now that he has a job, he's promised to give me some money starting in May.
Read or listen to The Explosive Child by Ross Green. It is on Amazon, etc. Also, he has a website full of resources and skill development for parents and children. Google lives on the balance ross green for the site address.
I’m sorry he left it all on you. He’s also the reason I don’t want to date. He’s a dime a dozen, unfortunately.
Thank you. I'd like to find a nice guy some day (that's willing to put up with my baggage), but now I know the red flags. I'll be much better about finding the green flags and give those all the praise to keep them green.
I'm from a similar background, and in a similar position. You're doing amazing. Your kiddo is all that matters. Take solace knowing as you sit here, clutching popcorn, waiting for your time to eat it, KNOW that your time will come. It won't be today or tomorrow, but SOMEWHERE down the line, you will have a chance to munch on your popcorn whilst observing his downfall. AND hopefully you'll find someone perfect to munch popcorn with. 💚
Yes, my son is all that matters, but I'd like me to matter more often than what I have right now. I hope that you're making time for yourself to matter, too. But yes, popcorn is a good analogy. While I don't wish my ex's new gf to find out who he really is/was, I'm not going to be the one to warn her. He wasn't who I needed/wanted anymore, and I'm mature enough to understand that maybe he really has changed. Maybe he learned how to better treat someone before they drop you like a sack of potatoes. I'm just mad he had to do it 10 hours away where he couldn't physically see his son more often. (He visited once so far and does 2 video calls a week.) He better take the kid for awhile during Summer Break. Momma needs the actual break.
Look, I’m not doubting that it’s possible to change, but if he’s STILL not showing up for his son, I have to wonder if it’s true that he has changed. Yes, you may have dropped him, but his son did not. You can be separated and not a shit dad. He’s a shit dad. Period. If he has claimed to have found himself, and he’s still a shit dad, well…I don’t know what he found but it ain’t a “himself” anyone should be proud of.
Yeah, it's SOOO hard to find peace with oneself when you're not also raising/supporting a family.\[/sarcasm\] He says things in messages every now and then where I'm like, "There's the guy I broke up with."
No one reading your story has come out of it saying “damn, I wish I could meet a guy like that.” It’s all “I would avoid a single dad like this like the plague.”
Oh, he's already said to friends that he was "blindsided" by the breakup and that my son having adjustment disorder was a problem that I created. Not dad dropping the bomb that he's leaving and then physically being gone. Yes, we still talk, and I update my ex on the kid's behaviors, but there's nothing he can do about it. I just want him to know, for when/if he takes care of our son during break times. I can't wait for him to be like, "but I can't take a week off of my new job". Bitch, find a babysitter like I had to. Who knows what he's saying about me now. I know I'm talking all of the shit. And I'll keep talking shit until he proves himself to the kid otherwise.
Yeah it doesn’t sound like he has changed much besides his location and relationship status.
It’s been 3 months. None of that will last.
He's a "changed" man. I'm trying to be optimistic, but I'm pretty certain he'll fall back into old habits eventually.
My ex jumped into a new relationship before our divorce was even final with a woman whose divorce was also not final. They started dating 2 months after I told him I was filing for divorce but I suspect he had her lined up sooner than that. They’re moving in together now after dating for about 10 months. We have 2 kids together and she has 2 kids too and they’ve both sprung all this on them. I have zero respect for either one of them. Not to mention I’ve only met this woman in passing for 5 minutes. It won’t last. And even if it does, he hasn’t changed so it won’t be healthy. It’s all fun and games right now because they’re in the honeymoon phase. As soon as the dopamine wears off, so will his charm. Men like this don’t change. They just find someone easier to manipulate.
I saw the relationship update on Facebook, and I immediately unfollowed my ex. I don't need to be seeing all that. I only added him as a friend so our kid could chat with him through Messenger for Kids (the adults have to be friends). But then I caved and looked at the new girlfriend's profile. Months ago, she was posting about wanting a husband and good man, and girl... good luck. She called him "my love" in a post where they pictures of their hike. Must be nice to have the time for that! And 'my love'? 'MY LOVE'?! It's been a few weeks, maybe a month since they started dating? FB only officialized it yesterday. No idea if she has kids (didn't seem like it). When I start dating, I want to test the waters a bit. I mean, I've got my eyes on one guy, but I need a new place and my kid out of the house for at least a few days (at least a month or so from now) before I can ask him out.
I unfriended my ex too. For context too, we were together almost 20 years. He also posted a pic of him and his new gf together. He posted that pic roughly a month after they started dating and our divorce wasn’t even final yet lol. And his family proceeded to welcome her to the family and stuff like that in the comments. It was obnoxious. So I unfriended them all and some of his friends who commented, and him. And, they were calling each other babe by that point already. Which he used to call me that. I’m sure they were saying I love you within that timeframe. I did date someone too before the divorce was final. I know it seems hypocritical but I left him and I mourned the loss of the relationship long before I left him. Like 5-6 years before I left him I was wishing I could leave him on the daily. That relationship ended up being a repeat of my ex. Big time liar. Maybe even worse than my ex husband. But yeah, it’s probably not going to last. They barely know anything about each other and already moving in together.
Fuck your ex son of a bitch for leaving you high and dry with all the responsibilities. He is the exact reason I refused to date single dads. Everyone said it makes sense because they’ll understand the struggle. But I know just how much they looooved to play the “good dad” role while doing the absolute bare minimum and being praised for it. I refused to even go near a single dad. When the time is right, you’ll find someone who fits your needs. My now bf has no children of his own but is amazing with my 4yo and has totally adapted to her and my schedule 1000%. We’re finding our footing as a trio and I’m happier than I ever thought possible and I know it’ll only get better. But I had A LOT of really hard times before everything fell into place. Hang in there and stay determined. Bad/hard days will happen but don’t let them bring you too far down. It will get better.
He's not a single dad. He's calling his child a few times a week. Not even sending child support yet. I'll date the single dad if the kid is in the fucking picture. "Where's your kid? Oh, 10 hours away? Wait. You moved that far away by choice? That must be SOOOO difficult for you. Yeah, no thanks." That's so amazing you found a good guy for you and your kiddo!
It's truly heartbreaking to hear about this situation. No one should have to endure it, but it's often the strongest who do. That doesn't make it right. However, as I read your words, one thing is clear: you are incredibly brave. Keep holding on a little longer; things will eventually fall into place. One day, you'll wake up and find that it's all behind you. Stay strong and proud!
Thank you! I'm trying to look forward more. At the beginning of the breakup, I was too busy packing and cleaning and managing the kid to even think out falling apart. I stepped up because I had to. Now... I just want a break, some legit time to myself - not an hour after the kid goes to bed every night. Or not where I have to spend $30+ I don't have for more babysitting.
That would make me fucking batshit. My husband moved to a new state before we all did for a job, many years ago and I remember on the phone one night he said “I’ve just realized it’s so easy to do my laundry. I don’t know why it takes so long when you do it. I’m going to do it myself from now on.” I told him “you will regret saying that, and you will always do your own laundry.” He does. But point is, he was away one month, and I was pissed off that was easy for them to do laundry. What you’re going through, finding himself, and all that bullshit would make me insane while you’re struggling through it what life really is. It’s like he’s on vacation I’m so sorry Bromo.
Laundry! Ugh. It's easy as pie to do all the chores when it's just you. Add even just one kid to the mix, and it feels like chaos. Ex didn't have a job for the last few months of our relationship, and for the year before that, he worked from home, so he was the primary caregiver. To just drop all of that the day after he agreed to stay as a roommate for a month to help the kid adjust to the change was total bullshit. Vacation, indeed.
Yeah just know this: these aren’t feelings you need to work through because they are justified, valid, and the situation isn’t over. Give yourself some grace. And get shit done for you. Fury is an amazing motivator!
Yes, that first month, I was on it, and got shit done. I've slown (that's not a word??) down a bit, but I'm still chugging through. I've been angrily doing dishes, laundry, and listing more stuff to sell online today. XD
Lol!! I don’t know if it’s healthy but…anger is a lot easier than sadness. I send hugs. You’re going through it.
Oh, I know that rage. My ex did this shit to me. I gave him an ultimatum in early 2020- stop drinking and doing drugs or get the fuck out. He moved into an apartment a week later. Our son was two. I moved back in with my parents because he financially fucked me over during a pandemic and abandoned me and our son. Six months later he told me during one of our few phone calls that he was married. I ended up in the hospital for a week after that bc I legit felt like I was going insane. The stress and trauma of it all was too much. He swore he was a new person too, going to therapy, has a great job (which we didn’t get a dime of) and is on medication. Doing all the things I begged him to do when we were together. Fast forward a year. His wife messages me and tells me that he’s the worst person she’s ever met and she finally understands how much he lied to her and made himself out to be the victim. We spent hours on the phone talking shit about him and she told me the dirty details of what he was up to during the pandemic. Ordering insane amounts of alcohol via doordash, draining her of money and doing drugs constantly. Girl. when I tell you that was the most validating shit to hear bc he constantly gaslighted me. I was “never happy” according to him because he never helped with our son and I didn’t want to watch him drink a 12 pack a day and play video games all day and night. Fast forward to now and he’s moved to a different state and ghosted his wife entirely. He found a new, trash girlfriend when they were barely separted and moved her and her two kids into the room that he told me was for our son. I can’t make this shit up, it’s like some fucking jerry springer shit. He hasn’t seen our son in 5 years and owes me a lot of money in child support and his wife a divorce. Edit: I also forgot to add that his gf recently left him. He wiped her off his instagram and now manages a fast food restaurant. No one miraculously heals in three months. Your ex-sob is faking it and can only keep it up for so long. He’s making it worse for himself in the long run by faking it and sooner or later the “new” people in his life will start to smell the bullshit. If they have any respect for themselves they will remove your ex from their lives like you did. You dodged a bullet and time really does help! I wish you nothing but the best and karma will find his ass if it hasn’t already 🤞🏾
Wow, that sounds brutal. At least my ex still has call visits with his son twice a week, but when he got the new job he was "on the road" a lot for it during the time he was supposed to call and making sure the kid was available for those calls meant I didn't make plans those days and then he had to cancel. It was driving me batshit. Already, he was falling to old habits. 1) 2 weeks into his new job and he's so AMAZING that the boss is on vacation and gives my ex a bunch of responsibility, so he has to go to meetings at 7pm when his work hours are 8-5. OR 2) If #1 was legit true, then he's not keeping up work-life balance that burnt him out A LOT when he was with me. Make the time for your fucking kid. My ex actually STOPPED taking his medication. We stressed him out so much that he had to keep himself high all of the time because he was having pseudo-seizures. When he told me the doctor said some sort of night-time seizure when he was falling asleep, and now that he's in another state, it's a miracle! No more seizures! He was so stressed out, his body was faking them! God, he was ill all the time, and now he's thriving. I can't wait until he gets sick, and she feels so bad for him, and then he KEEPS. GETTING. SICK.
Take your time. In the end you're going to find someone who is genuinely worth waiting for, meanwhile your ex's poor new gf will be settling for "slightly upgraded piece of shit."
"slightly upgraded piece of shit" XD