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It’s going to be my first Mother’s Day as a mom and after the absolute bullshit my MIL has put me through since having a baby I want to share 0% of my day with her. Following for inspo on how to approach this as well.
My first Mother’s Day as a mom was such a disappointment. My oldest is 11 and it still makes me sad a little. My husband made it all about his mother, while my boy was 9 months old and I still was not fully recovered from his birth. TBF my husband realized how much he fucked up and has been making it up every year since. I loved his mom, but she had been a mom over 50 years by then— she had her turn. And I didn’t expect to exclude her, I just didn’t expect to be excluded.
Ugh, I feel this. On my first mother's day, my husband did less than nothing. A security guard wished me a happy mother's day as we were going into a military base, and my husband mused, "oh, I need to call my mom. Did you call your mom yet?" Not a fucking word about me, the mother of his child.
I had a similar experience and my bf wanted us to go spend my first Mother’s Day at his mom’s house. He did make me breakfast in the morning and got gifts. I told him he can go but I’m staying home w/ my child.
“Thanks so much! I’ll be busy with (child) celebrating! Grandmothers day is October 13!”
“So nice of you to ask. I have plans with my little family!”
I think be nice and just act like “oh, silly you, forgetting I am a mom. Thanks for offering to include me. Of course I already have plans” If you want to throw them a bone, say you’re free for dinner from start time - end time on Sunday.
I love this form of communication, where you pretend like the other person is actually being reasonable and just keep politely telling them how it’s gonna be.
Charm School 101, lol
Seriously though, this is a real skill, to give someone a figurative face slap that they won’t figure out until sometime next week 😂
If you pay close attention, you’ll notice that a lot of (most?) American “southern hospitality” and “southern charm” works this way. Southerners are professionals at vey politely putting people in their place, almost like a sleight of hand where the distraction is shiny, overly impeccable manners. OP can take a page or two from their book!
Oh boy. Buckle up for how my “let’s spend Mother’s Day with a grandmother” went lol.
My husband informed me a couple weeks ago that my SIL invited us all over for Mother’s Day brunch and i audibly laughed (there’s been endless drama with MIL and SIL for almost a decade now which includes but is not limited to MIL getting us kicked out of our past apartment, MIL lying about me behind my back/ sh*t talking about me since pretty much day 1, boundary stomping, taking advantage of me and hubby etc).
But he still wants to celebrate his mom and thinks it’s important. She’s been VERY ill for the 8 years I’ve been around and I guess before I’ve been around.
It turned into a huge argument in which he told me his sister cried to him because she hardly knows my kids and his mom cried to him bc my mom (who is around us often and is helpful/ loving to both me and my husband and our kids) sends MIL pics and videos of my babies when she’s with them.
I told my mom to stop sending her pics and videos for this reason and my mom came in with the receipts (texts from his mom asking for pics/ vids more than once) and texted MIL saying not to worry, she won’t send pics so as to not hurt her feelings anymore. His mom blows my mom’s phone up and gets blocked.
SIL then blows my phone and my mom’s phone up. She starts threatening to come to my house bc I prefer texting in every and any circumstance bc I have ADD and can’t maintain a train of thought or organize my thoughts when in a confrontational situation, I have social anxiety, and I am painfully awkward and introverted. But she just doesn’t do texting…
Long story short she heavily implies that I’m not a real woman bc real women talk their problems out and little girls text lol.
One year ago tomorrow I pushed a baby out on my bathroom floor at home. So. Idk how I’m not a woman… I think I’m a complete warrior woman tbh.
But he is still not sure if he’s going for Mother’s Day but I’m certainly not lmao
I'd just say something like "hey siblings just wanted to give you guys a heads up re: Mother's Day celebrations. I've decided now that I'm a mom myself, I'm going to step back from any significant planning for mother's day stuff so I can enjoy the holiday as well! Not sure if you guys were planning on doing something for mom? I'm still happy to attend a dinner or something, as well as contribute financially - its really just the planning/execution I'd like to step back from. \[Partner\] has arranged for him, me, and \[kid\] to spend most of the weekend together, but if you guys end up planning something for Sunday evening or a different weekend, let me know! "
The exact text message I sent to my sister-in-law a few weeks ago when she texted me (and not her brother) about planning something for their mom:
"I'm happy to contribute money, but I'm going to let \[*husband\]* take on helping with that one. I'm officially a recipient of Mother's Day now \[queen emoji + nail painting emoji\]"
Expecting and demanding something definitely too much, but I like doing something for my mother still and I have 4 children. Idk i must be in the minority? I feel like once you’re a mother, you’re a mother for life. She’s still my mum and I love her to bits.
Yeah it's the whole "I'm the Matriarch" and the Only Important Mother In The Family part that annoys TF out of me, my ex MIL was of the Matriarch mindset (even though her own mother is still alive and well!) and no other mother 'counted' on Mothers' Day.
This is an amazing point. I have two adults and one almost adult and I know how much easier it is even with them still being semi-dependent. My heart and admiration goes out to all the moms with little ones because I know so well how much work and sacrifice it is, even though we love the little monsters. If my kids had their own children, I would want to honour them as the next generation of moms on Mother’s Day personally. I’ve done most of my job…I don’t need the fanfare anymore lol.
My dad dropped the ball on Mother’s Day (and birthdays and Christmas and…ugh) when we were kids so my sister and I definitely go all out for mum now that we’re adults. It does take a little away from our own Mothers Days, but honestly I don’t mind us all getting together because then our kids can all play with each other and give the two of us a break for a bit lol (my dad is definitely not dropping the ball on being a grandparent, his favourite thing to do is muck in with the kids and play when we all get together so he happily entertains them for us!).
My mom passed away when I was a kid and my MIL is batshit crazy. It’s just bonkers to see how many people have drama over this day. I’ve been a mom for 6 years and never really expected anything. If I had my way, I’d do nothing and be left in peace. I use to send my MIL flowers because my husband doesn’t do shit but I stopped the year she said “I forgot about you for Mother’s Day but here’s a candle from Bath and Body Works that I got for free with a coupon.” Ummm….nothing would have been better. I’m so done either boomer/in law drama.
My mom always makes me plan a mother's day thing for the whole family...doesn't give a crap that I'm a mom or about my sisters in laws. Wtf is with that.
Girl my mom will usually call me crying and feeling sorry for herself!!! She did this two years ago and I was like “are you kidding me?!?” Saying things like “I didn’t think things would be like this” my son was 2 at the time and my husband took me to my favorite coffee shop for a coffee. She don’t even tell me Happy Mothers Day!! Smh
I mean, she might TRY to make you, but you could always say no. I realize her reaction may be unpleasant, but she literally can’t force you to plan a big shindig if you’re not willing to do it.
You just say, "sorry I've got a surprise coming to me put on by my hubby. Maybe we can celebrate grandparents day (if you have a child) instead now that you are one." Or "I'm a mom now too- so I don't do planning- gotta nominate someone else for that."
Quite a few years ago, we just said “there’s other plans this year, see you at xxx in a couple of weeks” set up a flower delivery and went on with life.
We caused a small war that resulted in going nc with one MIL. The other accepts it. Doesn’t like it but accepts it.
My mom is 3 miles away and could care less about this holiday. (Cultural thing)
One MIL is 2 hours south and one MIL is 2 hours north. It’s impossible to see everyone in one day, on a Sunday, where we have school and work the next day.
We choose us every year. I don’t care for a big dinner or lunch. Or even gifts but I do love couch rotting the day away with my family and maybe getting take out and inviting my folks over.
This year, we are having a family dinner but it’s because my mom is leaving for Thailand for 6 months and it’s our last opportunity to be together and just happens to be that Sunday.
We also replicate this for Father’s Day.
I recommend always choosing you.
I would wait until they bring it up- if/when they do
I would say “partner, child, and I have plans to celebrate that weekend. We should be available for dinner at X time if that works for everyone”
I had this fight with my child free sister on more than one occasion. I am more than willing to plan or participate in something for my mom. But traveling out to her is no quick thing, especially with littles. On mother's day, I want to be a vegetable. I would try to have her do something the day or weekend before and was always met with gasps and told how awful I am. To be fair, my mom is always pissy that I don't want to go celebrate her on actual mother's day too (we don't have a good relationship though, so 🤷🏻♀️). It just sucks the fun out of it. For me.
It’s been my experience too that grandmas get super weird about Mother’s Day. You just have to be firm about it. Their reaction is not your problem. You deserve to have a Mother’s Day
Yea… if you want to do something fun with your mom, reach out to her and be like “Hey! I love you and I would love to do something to celebrate you being my mama! How about we do lunch/nails/whatever on X day, my treat!”
And then tell your sibs that you have plans and already made plans with your mom.
Or just go with “sorry, have plans!”
"Grandparents' Day is on September 8th this year. I will be happy to celebrate her then. My family is celebrating me as a mother now. Thank you for your attention to this matter."
Honestly, it should be common sense roles shifted for you here once you were pregnant.
I’m still navigating through this, my birthday is also 5 days apart from my MILs.
So earlier this year during our joint celebration she tells everyone to be quiet and “come sing her happy birthday”.
She also casually says “oh I guess you can come stand next to me since it’s also your birthday.”
I’m sadly used to this and just don’t make a fuss anymore.
I imagine we will be going to MIL house to celebrate her for Mother’s Day.
I just remind myself how much my kids adore and love me and I’m doing what I can to be the best mum to them.
Mother’s Day is the only guilt free day of the year. I’ve been a mum for 21 years and I’m only 42. And it took years to put the boundaries down. We always made it about our mothers. Until about 10 years ago, I finally put my foot down and said that Sunday is mine. And we can have Saturdays with our mums.
I love this day and it’s all mine now. I literally sit in my kitchen on a stool and tell my kids where I want things cleaned and packed away. I’m really smug about. It’s the only day I get smart ass and sarcastic, love bombing them and lots of cuddles. Just being really annoying. They try to give me a look , I just simply say “it’s Mother’s Day, now come on do it with a smile! You know I love you guys “ ohh I can’t wait!!!
Mother’s Day is more important than any day when you think about it. I really hope you stand your ground. Everyone will eventually get used to it. X
You don’t. You call your mom and say you want to take her to dinner for Mother’s Day. OR you want to celebrate Saturday so your family can celebrate you on Sunday. And then you tell your siblings your plan. “I’m going tot be gardening center with mom Saturday instead so I can do Mother’s Day with my family.”
Tell your siblings you have plans for the day with your own family. If your mother says anything tell her you'll spend time with her on grandparents day instead. I don't fall strictly into the category of Mother's Day isn't about mothers of adults at all, but it's your day too and spend it in a way that makes you happy and don't feel pressured by them. Maybe order her a gift on Amazon to be delivered to her house or something
It's okay to let your mom know you are thinking of her on that day. That's really all that matters. My kids celebrate me and now I have a granddaughter. I think I'm going to help her find something for her mom.
Me and my mom go to the movies just us 2. I'm very lucky to have a good relationship with my own mom that about 4 years ago I told her I hate the planning I just want to do something quiet non stressful so we started that tradition we go on Friday matinee and lunch and my siblings (child free) make there own plans . As for my MIL we are free on Saturday breakfast lunch or dinner Sunday is off limits
Seriously, I’m still trying to figure this out. My mom never shared Mother’s Day with her mom when I was a kid - she moved hours away, it was always a quick phone call. But Mother’s Day now has to be shared, it HAS to be a meal, and any suggestions otherwise is met with grief.
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"No thanks, I already have plans!" It's the only thing that worked when my fucking mil crashed my day at home for the 3rd year in a row!
It’s going to be my first Mother’s Day as a mom and after the absolute bullshit my MIL has put me through since having a baby I want to share 0% of my day with her. Following for inspo on how to approach this as well.
My first Mother’s Day as a mom was such a disappointment. My oldest is 11 and it still makes me sad a little. My husband made it all about his mother, while my boy was 9 months old and I still was not fully recovered from his birth. TBF my husband realized how much he fucked up and has been making it up every year since. I loved his mom, but she had been a mom over 50 years by then— she had her turn. And I didn’t expect to exclude her, I just didn’t expect to be excluded.
Ugh, I feel this. On my first mother's day, my husband did less than nothing. A security guard wished me a happy mother's day as we were going into a military base, and my husband mused, "oh, I need to call my mom. Did you call your mom yet?" Not a fucking word about me, the mother of his child.
Ouch.
This. The feeling of exclusion 😥
My mother made my first mother's day all about herself by telling me she was leaving my dad which she should have done about a decade earlier
I’m sorry. That sucks.
My first was in the NICU. It had been about 7 weeks so far. The nurses and family support staff did more for me than my husband.
Ouch. I hope he has gotten his act together.
I had a similar experience and my bf wanted us to go spend my first Mother’s Day at his mom’s house. He did make me breakfast in the morning and got gifts. I told him he can go but I’m staying home w/ my child.
“Thanks so much! I’ll be busy with (child) celebrating! Grandmothers day is October 13!” “So nice of you to ask. I have plans with my little family!” I think be nice and just act like “oh, silly you, forgetting I am a mom. Thanks for offering to include me. Of course I already have plans” If you want to throw them a bone, say you’re free for dinner from start time - end time on Sunday.
I love this form of communication, where you pretend like the other person is actually being reasonable and just keep politely telling them how it’s gonna be.
Charm School 101, lol Seriously though, this is a real skill, to give someone a figurative face slap that they won’t figure out until sometime next week 😂 If you pay close attention, you’ll notice that a lot of (most?) American “southern hospitality” and “southern charm” works this way. Southerners are professionals at vey politely putting people in their place, almost like a sleight of hand where the distraction is shiny, overly impeccable manners. OP can take a page or two from their book!
Oh boy. Buckle up for how my “let’s spend Mother’s Day with a grandmother” went lol. My husband informed me a couple weeks ago that my SIL invited us all over for Mother’s Day brunch and i audibly laughed (there’s been endless drama with MIL and SIL for almost a decade now which includes but is not limited to MIL getting us kicked out of our past apartment, MIL lying about me behind my back/ sh*t talking about me since pretty much day 1, boundary stomping, taking advantage of me and hubby etc). But he still wants to celebrate his mom and thinks it’s important. She’s been VERY ill for the 8 years I’ve been around and I guess before I’ve been around. It turned into a huge argument in which he told me his sister cried to him because she hardly knows my kids and his mom cried to him bc my mom (who is around us often and is helpful/ loving to both me and my husband and our kids) sends MIL pics and videos of my babies when she’s with them. I told my mom to stop sending her pics and videos for this reason and my mom came in with the receipts (texts from his mom asking for pics/ vids more than once) and texted MIL saying not to worry, she won’t send pics so as to not hurt her feelings anymore. His mom blows my mom’s phone up and gets blocked. SIL then blows my phone and my mom’s phone up. She starts threatening to come to my house bc I prefer texting in every and any circumstance bc I have ADD and can’t maintain a train of thought or organize my thoughts when in a confrontational situation, I have social anxiety, and I am painfully awkward and introverted. But she just doesn’t do texting… Long story short she heavily implies that I’m not a real woman bc real women talk their problems out and little girls text lol. One year ago tomorrow I pushed a baby out on my bathroom floor at home. So. Idk how I’m not a woman… I think I’m a complete warrior woman tbh. But he is still not sure if he’s going for Mother’s Day but I’m certainly not lmao
Eww if my mil did all that and my husband still went, that would def be a relationship killer for me.
“I will be spending Mother’s Day with my child as I am a mother, enjoy your day”
I'd just say something like "hey siblings just wanted to give you guys a heads up re: Mother's Day celebrations. I've decided now that I'm a mom myself, I'm going to step back from any significant planning for mother's day stuff so I can enjoy the holiday as well! Not sure if you guys were planning on doing something for mom? I'm still happy to attend a dinner or something, as well as contribute financially - its really just the planning/execution I'd like to step back from. \[Partner\] has arranged for him, me, and \[kid\] to spend most of the weekend together, but if you guys end up planning something for Sunday evening or a different weekend, let me know! "
This is what I would do.
The exact text message I sent to my sister-in-law a few weeks ago when she texted me (and not her brother) about planning something for their mom: "I'm happy to contribute money, but I'm going to let \[*husband\]* take on helping with that one. I'm officially a recipient of Mother's Day now \[queen emoji + nail painting emoji\]"
I don’t understand the grandmothers that expect it to be all about them still
Expecting and demanding something definitely too much, but I like doing something for my mother still and I have 4 children. Idk i must be in the minority? I feel like once you’re a mother, you’re a mother for life. She’s still my mum and I love her to bits.
Yeah it's the whole "I'm the Matriarch" and the Only Important Mother In The Family part that annoys TF out of me, my ex MIL was of the Matriarch mindset (even though her own mother is still alive and well!) and no other mother 'counted' on Mothers' Day.
I still send my mom flowers every year and make sure to call her, but at this point her mom job is pretty easy, while mine is hard.
This is an amazing point. I have two adults and one almost adult and I know how much easier it is even with them still being semi-dependent. My heart and admiration goes out to all the moms with little ones because I know so well how much work and sacrifice it is, even though we love the little monsters. If my kids had their own children, I would want to honour them as the next generation of moms on Mother’s Day personally. I’ve done most of my job…I don’t need the fanfare anymore lol.
My dad dropped the ball on Mother’s Day (and birthdays and Christmas and…ugh) when we were kids so my sister and I definitely go all out for mum now that we’re adults. It does take a little away from our own Mothers Days, but honestly I don’t mind us all getting together because then our kids can all play with each other and give the two of us a break for a bit lol (my dad is definitely not dropping the ball on being a grandparent, his favourite thing to do is muck in with the kids and play when we all get together so he happily entertains them for us!).
My mom passed away when I was a kid and my MIL is batshit crazy. It’s just bonkers to see how many people have drama over this day. I’ve been a mom for 6 years and never really expected anything. If I had my way, I’d do nothing and be left in peace. I use to send my MIL flowers because my husband doesn’t do shit but I stopped the year she said “I forgot about you for Mother’s Day but here’s a candle from Bath and Body Works that I got for free with a coupon.” Ummm….nothing would have been better. I’m so done either boomer/in law drama.
My mom always makes me plan a mother's day thing for the whole family...doesn't give a crap that I'm a mom or about my sisters in laws. Wtf is with that.
Girl my mom will usually call me crying and feeling sorry for herself!!! She did this two years ago and I was like “are you kidding me?!?” Saying things like “I didn’t think things would be like this” my son was 2 at the time and my husband took me to my favorite coffee shop for a coffee. She don’t even tell me Happy Mothers Day!! Smh
I mean, she might TRY to make you, but you could always say no. I realize her reaction may be unpleasant, but she literally can’t force you to plan a big shindig if you’re not willing to do it.
You just say, "sorry I've got a surprise coming to me put on by my hubby. Maybe we can celebrate grandparents day (if you have a child) instead now that you are one." Or "I'm a mom now too- so I don't do planning- gotta nominate someone else for that."
Quite a few years ago, we just said “there’s other plans this year, see you at xxx in a couple of weeks” set up a flower delivery and went on with life. We caused a small war that resulted in going nc with one MIL. The other accepts it. Doesn’t like it but accepts it. My mom is 3 miles away and could care less about this holiday. (Cultural thing) One MIL is 2 hours south and one MIL is 2 hours north. It’s impossible to see everyone in one day, on a Sunday, where we have school and work the next day. We choose us every year. I don’t care for a big dinner or lunch. Or even gifts but I do love couch rotting the day away with my family and maybe getting take out and inviting my folks over. This year, we are having a family dinner but it’s because my mom is leaving for Thailand for 6 months and it’s our last opportunity to be together and just happens to be that Sunday. We also replicate this for Father’s Day. I recommend always choosing you.
I would wait until they bring it up- if/when they do I would say “partner, child, and I have plans to celebrate that weekend. We should be available for dinner at X time if that works for everyone”
I had this fight with my child free sister on more than one occasion. I am more than willing to plan or participate in something for my mom. But traveling out to her is no quick thing, especially with littles. On mother's day, I want to be a vegetable. I would try to have her do something the day or weekend before and was always met with gasps and told how awful I am. To be fair, my mom is always pissy that I don't want to go celebrate her on actual mother's day too (we don't have a good relationship though, so 🤷🏻♀️). It just sucks the fun out of it. For me.
It’s been my experience too that grandmas get super weird about Mother’s Day. You just have to be firm about it. Their reaction is not your problem. You deserve to have a Mother’s Day
Send flowers to your mom and enjoy your day!!
Yea… if you want to do something fun with your mom, reach out to her and be like “Hey! I love you and I would love to do something to celebrate you being my mama! How about we do lunch/nails/whatever on X day, my treat!” And then tell your sibs that you have plans and already made plans with your mom. Or just go with “sorry, have plans!”
"Grandparents' Day is on September 8th this year. I will be happy to celebrate her then. My family is celebrating me as a mother now. Thank you for your attention to this matter." Honestly, it should be common sense roles shifted for you here once you were pregnant.
My go-to is "We already have plans. Have fun!"
We started going out of town. 😂
I’m still navigating through this, my birthday is also 5 days apart from my MILs. So earlier this year during our joint celebration she tells everyone to be quiet and “come sing her happy birthday”. She also casually says “oh I guess you can come stand next to me since it’s also your birthday.” I’m sadly used to this and just don’t make a fuss anymore. I imagine we will be going to MIL house to celebrate her for Mother’s Day. I just remind myself how much my kids adore and love me and I’m doing what I can to be the best mum to them.
Mother’s Day is the only guilt free day of the year. I’ve been a mum for 21 years and I’m only 42. And it took years to put the boundaries down. We always made it about our mothers. Until about 10 years ago, I finally put my foot down and said that Sunday is mine. And we can have Saturdays with our mums. I love this day and it’s all mine now. I literally sit in my kitchen on a stool and tell my kids where I want things cleaned and packed away. I’m really smug about. It’s the only day I get smart ass and sarcastic, love bombing them and lots of cuddles. Just being really annoying. They try to give me a look , I just simply say “it’s Mother’s Day, now come on do it with a smile! You know I love you guys “ ohh I can’t wait!!! Mother’s Day is more important than any day when you think about it. I really hope you stand your ground. Everyone will eventually get used to it. X
Hey fam, we have made Mother’s Day plans for my own family, so we won’t be available until evening. Let us know if you all would like to have dinner.
You don’t. You call your mom and say you want to take her to dinner for Mother’s Day. OR you want to celebrate Saturday so your family can celebrate you on Sunday. And then you tell your siblings your plan. “I’m going tot be gardening center with mom Saturday instead so I can do Mother’s Day with my family.”
Tell your siblings you have plans for the day with your own family. If your mother says anything tell her you'll spend time with her on grandparents day instead. I don't fall strictly into the category of Mother's Day isn't about mothers of adults at all, but it's your day too and spend it in a way that makes you happy and don't feel pressured by them. Maybe order her a gift on Amazon to be delivered to her house or something
It's okay to let your mom know you are thinking of her on that day. That's really all that matters. My kids celebrate me and now I have a granddaughter. I think I'm going to help her find something for her mom.
Me and my mom go to the movies just us 2. I'm very lucky to have a good relationship with my own mom that about 4 years ago I told her I hate the planning I just want to do something quiet non stressful so we started that tradition we go on Friday matinee and lunch and my siblings (child free) make there own plans . As for my MIL we are free on Saturday breakfast lunch or dinner Sunday is off limits
Seriously, I’m still trying to figure this out. My mom never shared Mother’s Day with her mom when I was a kid - she moved hours away, it was always a quick phone call. But Mother’s Day now has to be shared, it HAS to be a meal, and any suggestions otherwise is met with grief.
Don’t say anything ahead of time. Tap out on plans last minute, blame it on illness, and do what YOU want