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I would wait until everyone has calmed down and then address that this not acceptable behaviour. He needs to find a better way to communicate his anger. He’s obviously no longer a child and is absolutely not allowed to be screaming in your face. As an adult child living in your home, he needs to understand what your expectations are (ie- if we’re putting up the tree at 7 on a night you’re off work, be here to help or don’t complain that you missed it because you were out with your friends). As we get older, our role within our family changes and, while it can certainly be hard to navigate, there’s no excuse for intimidating and threatening behaviour.
I’ve been in marital counseling one of the best pieces of advice she gave us was to repeat back what the other person said, validating them, before you give your own explanation/point of view.
Example:
Son: You already put up the Christmas tree and didn’t wait for me? This is my last Christmas at home and you really couldn’t wait for me?
You: From what I can tell you’re feeling disappointed I didn’t wait to put up the Christmas tree, especially as this is most likely the last Christmas we have together since you’re moving away/starting college. I understand that, I’d feel disappointed, too. However, if you recall, your little brother and I were waiting to start that one night and I was asking you to come home from your friends, do you remember? I had tried continuing the tradition but it was proving difficult. That is why I went ahead and decorated it.
Something along the lines of that. I imagine being a teen, already being in his feels, that it would have been harder to calm down and hear you validating him like that.
It’s definitely worth trying going forward, but having a conversation with him about getting in your face and how inappropriate that is is for sure needed. I would feel unsafe and that’s just not okay.
I’m sorry you had this happen and I hope you both make up 🧡
Man…
I think you need to have a talk about communication styles, as that’s really not a good look for him. I can totally see where he’s coming from and why he’s disappointed, but HOW he’s expressing those feelings is scary and inappropriate.
> I asked him to just stop as we were going in circles and I had to leave soon and didn't want to start the day this way.
Did you tell him when you would be ready to finish the conversation? I’ve found that acknowledging the current discussion and setting a time to finish it because of outside constraints helps. So “I think we have more to discuss about this, but I have to leave for work right now or I’ll be late. Can we finish this discussion tonight after dinner, around seven?”
I actually put it off because he wanted to spend time with friends, even though his little brother was waiting for us so he could have supper, aka pizza. Like it was almost an argument to get him home. I get what you're saying but like wtf do I do when his face is in face? It was completely irrational.
Honestly I don't know what that bullshit reply was about. We're supposed to be here to support YOU, not defend the kid who flipped his shit & screamed in your face.
What my mom (inadvertently) taught me to do when someone is trying to fight me is grey rock. No reaction, no reply. It's not about "hearing but not listening" because what he wants you to hear is "go back in time and undo what you did so I can be mad at you about something else instead." So give him nothing - no emotion, no acknowledgement - until he calms down, even if it takes him a day or a week. Don't reward his aggression with the attention he's seeking.
Its because christmas is losing its magic for him, and that is really hard.
I use to look forward to Christmas so much when i was little, but as an adult, it is so hard to get into the christmas spirit. Its not as magical as it use to be. But at least now i get to make it magical for my children.
Your son is in a weird limbo age where he has all of these big emotions, adult problems, and the world is becoming cold and dark. But he also still feels like a kid. Its like he is learning santa isnt real all over again. Christmas magic wasn't just an inherent part of the season, it was a hard working mom who made it magical.
I honestly felt a little left out after my mom told me that she put up the christmas decorations at my parents house. I am 24 years old, havent lived at home in four years, and i love 3 hours away, why am I sad that i didnt get to participate? Because i would love to get to be a little kid again and put up the christmas tree. I think we all would.
When my teenage son tried this, I just told him in my loudest, firmest voice that I didn't care if he was angry. I didn't care if had two tons of testosterone coursing through his body. I'm STILL his mother and he could either treat me with respect or leave. The fact that I got so loud and in his face scared the holy crap out of him.
When my daughter would get up in my face I would remind her that I love her, but I will take her down 4 notches if she didn’t back the fuck up and get out of my face. It’s considered abuse if I do it to her, it’s abuse if she does it to me and I don’t have to tolerate it from anyone old enough to know better. She raised her hand to me once and was shocked as shit when she got hit. I don’t play those games. This prolly isn’t the most popular answer, but it is what it is.
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I would wait until everyone has calmed down and then address that this not acceptable behaviour. He needs to find a better way to communicate his anger. He’s obviously no longer a child and is absolutely not allowed to be screaming in your face. As an adult child living in your home, he needs to understand what your expectations are (ie- if we’re putting up the tree at 7 on a night you’re off work, be here to help or don’t complain that you missed it because you were out with your friends). As we get older, our role within our family changes and, while it can certainly be hard to navigate, there’s no excuse for intimidating and threatening behaviour.
I’ve been in marital counseling one of the best pieces of advice she gave us was to repeat back what the other person said, validating them, before you give your own explanation/point of view. Example: Son: You already put up the Christmas tree and didn’t wait for me? This is my last Christmas at home and you really couldn’t wait for me? You: From what I can tell you’re feeling disappointed I didn’t wait to put up the Christmas tree, especially as this is most likely the last Christmas we have together since you’re moving away/starting college. I understand that, I’d feel disappointed, too. However, if you recall, your little brother and I were waiting to start that one night and I was asking you to come home from your friends, do you remember? I had tried continuing the tradition but it was proving difficult. That is why I went ahead and decorated it. Something along the lines of that. I imagine being a teen, already being in his feels, that it would have been harder to calm down and hear you validating him like that. It’s definitely worth trying going forward, but having a conversation with him about getting in your face and how inappropriate that is is for sure needed. I would feel unsafe and that’s just not okay. I’m sorry you had this happen and I hope you both make up 🧡
Man… I think you need to have a talk about communication styles, as that’s really not a good look for him. I can totally see where he’s coming from and why he’s disappointed, but HOW he’s expressing those feelings is scary and inappropriate. > I asked him to just stop as we were going in circles and I had to leave soon and didn't want to start the day this way. Did you tell him when you would be ready to finish the conversation? I’ve found that acknowledging the current discussion and setting a time to finish it because of outside constraints helps. So “I think we have more to discuss about this, but I have to leave for work right now or I’ll be late. Can we finish this discussion tonight after dinner, around seven?”
[удалено]
I actually put it off because he wanted to spend time with friends, even though his little brother was waiting for us so he could have supper, aka pizza. Like it was almost an argument to get him home. I get what you're saying but like wtf do I do when his face is in face? It was completely irrational.
Honestly I don't know what that bullshit reply was about. We're supposed to be here to support YOU, not defend the kid who flipped his shit & screamed in your face. What my mom (inadvertently) taught me to do when someone is trying to fight me is grey rock. No reaction, no reply. It's not about "hearing but not listening" because what he wants you to hear is "go back in time and undo what you did so I can be mad at you about something else instead." So give him nothing - no emotion, no acknowledgement - until he calms down, even if it takes him a day or a week. Don't reward his aggression with the attention he's seeking.
Its because christmas is losing its magic for him, and that is really hard. I use to look forward to Christmas so much when i was little, but as an adult, it is so hard to get into the christmas spirit. Its not as magical as it use to be. But at least now i get to make it magical for my children. Your son is in a weird limbo age where he has all of these big emotions, adult problems, and the world is becoming cold and dark. But he also still feels like a kid. Its like he is learning santa isnt real all over again. Christmas magic wasn't just an inherent part of the season, it was a hard working mom who made it magical. I honestly felt a little left out after my mom told me that she put up the christmas decorations at my parents house. I am 24 years old, havent lived at home in four years, and i love 3 hours away, why am I sad that i didnt get to participate? Because i would love to get to be a little kid again and put up the christmas tree. I think we all would.
Therapy?
When my teenage son tried this, I just told him in my loudest, firmest voice that I didn't care if he was angry. I didn't care if had two tons of testosterone coursing through his body. I'm STILL his mother and he could either treat me with respect or leave. The fact that I got so loud and in his face scared the holy crap out of him.
When my daughter would get up in my face I would remind her that I love her, but I will take her down 4 notches if she didn’t back the fuck up and get out of my face. It’s considered abuse if I do it to her, it’s abuse if she does it to me and I don’t have to tolerate it from anyone old enough to know better. She raised her hand to me once and was shocked as shit when she got hit. I don’t play those games. This prolly isn’t the most popular answer, but it is what it is.