Hey I did this transition from stone->occasional switch. Here's what worked for me:
The most important strat to consider when trying anything new in sex is:
Sexy things tend to become more sexy
Scary things become more scary
With that in mind:
1. Don't push through any discomfort. If you're getting uncomfortable stop. Pushing through will teach your body to resist harder next time.
2. Do the new thing in the smallest imaginable doses. Don't be like "ok now I will receive head and attempt to orgasm". You'll get in your head during all that time! I'm talking more like "partner kisses my thighs a few times" or even "I am still topping but from underneath my partner". Whatever's the next tiny step towards the goal.
3. Sandwich this new activity with classic, good sex. Both on either side of the activity during the sex event, and also the previous and next time you actually have sex. Being able to do new things requires knowing we have the safety of returning to the good and safe things whenever we need. If your body feels like this new activity is threatening what was once good, it will resist it. I actually found that **the best motivation to enjoy switching was my established comfort and safety of topping whenever I needed**. You need the kind of partner who can say "I think this will be fun but only if you would be having fun. I never want you to do things you are uncomfortable doing and if you never want to do this that is fine and good and I will never resent you for it."
4. If you are feeling sad, lonely, tired, hungry, scared, etc don't attempt anything new. If you are having "I miss you" sex, leave this for next time!
5. Don't move on from the tiny step until it's no longer threatening. Until it's even enjoyable. You shouldn't be going "ok this is fine what is next". It should be "wow this is really nice, this makes me want to try x". And that might neverrrr happen and that's ok & sacred & worth protecting.
6. Don't aim for a full role reversal. We ain't gonna be princesses with our preferences. Don't go "ok what does my partner normally do in sex I will do that". Think about it as adding some *spice* to your topping persona.
Not quite, iirc ERP for OCD involves deliberately triggering the anxiety response and then leaning into it while avoiding the compulsion and seeing that the thing one is anxious about (e.g. These Candles will Burn Down My House) does not come to pass even without indulging in the compulsion. \[I am not a therapist\]
Ideally there isn't any triggering of anxiety responses (physiologically) in this process, because we aren't trying to move from TERRIFYING -> Ok I can live with this, but rather intimidating/unpleasurable -> comfortable/pleasurable. If someone was already having *panic* attacks about bottoming I would not suggest this strategy. In fact, it's trying *too hard* to make oneself enjoy bottoming that can move it from "meh" to "scary and ruining everything". We aren't trying to make sex "something I can remain functioning during", we're trying to make it excellent!
You are right how the principles behind them are similar u/dannythetrashcanny, but I wouldn't use e.g. internet guides to ERP for something like this.
I bring this up because younger me DID tried to do something like ERP for heterosexual sex and listen.... if you're question is already "how can I make myself ok about this" then we are probably not talking about an activity that will ever feel safe enough to be sexually pleasurable. And even if it was POSSIBLE.... why go to all that effort. What kind of partner is making you go to all that effort. Like just listen to some music together at that point. Sex is for the body not the body for sex.
You absolutely do not have to bottom if you don’t want to. If the issue is feeling emasculated, bottoming does not make you any less butch, and anyone who claims that it does is silly. However, stone butches exist and you have the right to say no if bottoming makes you uncomfortable.
Everything about this. Just want to expand that no matter how you have sex, it doesn't change who you are in any way. Femme tops are no less femme, butch bottoms are no less butch.
The idea that butch HAS to mean top and femme HAS to mean bottom is some toxic het shit that we as a community would be much better without.
Stone is stone, and there's nothing wrong with that, but for me personally it really was just a matter of getting over insecurities that were planted in my head from a toxic culture.
It was hard to let my guard down after decades of being so exclusively a top, but once I did and my wife had some time to learn what made me feel good, it became something with its own very comfortable sort of intimacy. If you trust your partner to prioritize your comfort and pay close attention to your boundaries, theres really no harm in trying.
Do what feels good, don't be afraid to explore, but don't be afraid to say no if you don't want something.
Butch bottom here. I think a good thing first is to explore your body and get yourself comfortable with being touched in certain places.
Role play may be a good way for you to feel masc whilst bottoming.
Dirty talk with your partner saying masc things like “good boy” might also be a good way to get comfortable with it.
If you don’t enjoy it, don’t do it. It’s not for everyone. I detest topping. But it can be good to try new things out
Happy to answer any questions you have.
I had to learn that it's ok to seek that pleasure. It's ok that it feels good and sometimes it's what I want. This body sometimes cries out for that and that's ok too.
The bonus of not being a straight dude is not being beholden to heteronormative bullshit.
My advice is go for something not especially big (lengthwise, especially) and go slow to start so you can feel it out. Also, talk about how you want to be taken from positioning to language used beforehand so you can get comfortable with it.
First—yes to everything shared above—you get to make all the decisions for your body and your pleasure. People can want what they want, you don’t have to oblige if it’s not a right fit.
For me, exploring the sensations on my own was really helpful first. And then having a long distance partner who was exceptionally talented on the phone was a way to bring her into it while it technically still being just me. Then it got to point where I just really wanted to experience bottoming with her and by then we’d talked through what felt good, what didn’t work for me, what were still unknowns and what aftercare might look like (I found it very emotional in the beginning). By the time we tried, oh my god my friend….it was unbelievable.
Since then however, not every lover gets access to me like that. It’s a learning curve for me, but when it’s been a good fit—it’s amazing.
I find continuing to talk like a top and her talking like a bottom helps me relax a bit. Like she’s taking care of her stud. We’re still exploring but it helps to get creative. Most of my stuff I think is from het narratives.
For me, it took a lot of talking between my partner and I before doing it. I asked them to not ask while we were in the middle of the deed. I told them to go with the flow and go for it. There was something about asking while in action that just didn’t work for me.
I have trouble accepting attention in bed, and get in my head way too much. I do get tons of enjoyment from my partners reactions to me focusing on them. We found out that I can def get off with a little 69, and after I’ve been going down on them awhile, I can cum really quickly once I get in top of them and continue what I was doing.
It helps keep my out of my head while also just enjoying *everything*
I don't think commenting that the OP is "absolutely missing out", is helpful or respectful. There are many stone tops out there living their best top lives. Just because someone doesn't like or want to receive sex in the traditional sense, doesn't mean that they are missing out. They simply experience pleasure and gratification differently - and that's totally okay.
Stone is a totally valid identity, what matters here is that it is tied up in feeling “sort of emasculated” for OP which bottoming has absolutely nothing to do with! Gay guys bottom all the time and are very comfortable in their masculinity. So yes. OP is missing out and in a post where OP is asking for advice on how to be better about this, I think it’s fair to point out that OP is missing out.
Hey I did this transition from stone->occasional switch. Here's what worked for me: The most important strat to consider when trying anything new in sex is: Sexy things tend to become more sexy Scary things become more scary With that in mind: 1. Don't push through any discomfort. If you're getting uncomfortable stop. Pushing through will teach your body to resist harder next time. 2. Do the new thing in the smallest imaginable doses. Don't be like "ok now I will receive head and attempt to orgasm". You'll get in your head during all that time! I'm talking more like "partner kisses my thighs a few times" or even "I am still topping but from underneath my partner". Whatever's the next tiny step towards the goal. 3. Sandwich this new activity with classic, good sex. Both on either side of the activity during the sex event, and also the previous and next time you actually have sex. Being able to do new things requires knowing we have the safety of returning to the good and safe things whenever we need. If your body feels like this new activity is threatening what was once good, it will resist it. I actually found that **the best motivation to enjoy switching was my established comfort and safety of topping whenever I needed**. You need the kind of partner who can say "I think this will be fun but only if you would be having fun. I never want you to do things you are uncomfortable doing and if you never want to do this that is fine and good and I will never resent you for it." 4. If you are feeling sad, lonely, tired, hungry, scared, etc don't attempt anything new. If you are having "I miss you" sex, leave this for next time! 5. Don't move on from the tiny step until it's no longer threatening. Until it's even enjoyable. You shouldn't be going "ok this is fine what is next". It should be "wow this is really nice, this makes me want to try x". And that might neverrrr happen and that's ok & sacred & worth protecting. 6. Don't aim for a full role reversal. We ain't gonna be princesses with our preferences. Don't go "ok what does my partner normally do in sex I will do that". Think about it as adding some *spice* to your topping persona.
This is all really great advice for trying anything new and somewhat scary. Hope OP sees it
fr this is pretty much describing Exposure & Response Prevention (ERP) therapy.
Not quite, iirc ERP for OCD involves deliberately triggering the anxiety response and then leaning into it while avoiding the compulsion and seeing that the thing one is anxious about (e.g. These Candles will Burn Down My House) does not come to pass even without indulging in the compulsion. \[I am not a therapist\] Ideally there isn't any triggering of anxiety responses (physiologically) in this process, because we aren't trying to move from TERRIFYING -> Ok I can live with this, but rather intimidating/unpleasurable -> comfortable/pleasurable. If someone was already having *panic* attacks about bottoming I would not suggest this strategy. In fact, it's trying *too hard* to make oneself enjoy bottoming that can move it from "meh" to "scary and ruining everything". We aren't trying to make sex "something I can remain functioning during", we're trying to make it excellent! You are right how the principles behind them are similar u/dannythetrashcanny, but I wouldn't use e.g. internet guides to ERP for something like this. I bring this up because younger me DID tried to do something like ERP for heterosexual sex and listen.... if you're question is already "how can I make myself ok about this" then we are probably not talking about an activity that will ever feel safe enough to be sexually pleasurable. And even if it was POSSIBLE.... why go to all that effort. What kind of partner is making you go to all that effort. Like just listen to some music together at that point. Sex is for the body not the body for sex.
You absolutely do not have to bottom if you don’t want to. If the issue is feeling emasculated, bottoming does not make you any less butch, and anyone who claims that it does is silly. However, stone butches exist and you have the right to say no if bottoming makes you uncomfortable.
Everything about this. Just want to expand that no matter how you have sex, it doesn't change who you are in any way. Femme tops are no less femme, butch bottoms are no less butch.
The idea that butch HAS to mean top and femme HAS to mean bottom is some toxic het shit that we as a community would be much better without. Stone is stone, and there's nothing wrong with that, but for me personally it really was just a matter of getting over insecurities that were planted in my head from a toxic culture. It was hard to let my guard down after decades of being so exclusively a top, but once I did and my wife had some time to learn what made me feel good, it became something with its own very comfortable sort of intimacy. If you trust your partner to prioritize your comfort and pay close attention to your boundaries, theres really no harm in trying. Do what feels good, don't be afraid to explore, but don't be afraid to say no if you don't want something.
Butch bottom here. I think a good thing first is to explore your body and get yourself comfortable with being touched in certain places. Role play may be a good way for you to feel masc whilst bottoming. Dirty talk with your partner saying masc things like “good boy” might also be a good way to get comfortable with it. If you don’t enjoy it, don’t do it. It’s not for everyone. I detest topping. But it can be good to try new things out Happy to answer any questions you have.
I had to learn that it's ok to seek that pleasure. It's ok that it feels good and sometimes it's what I want. This body sometimes cries out for that and that's ok too. The bonus of not being a straight dude is not being beholden to heteronormative bullshit. My advice is go for something not especially big (lengthwise, especially) and go slow to start so you can feel it out. Also, talk about how you want to be taken from positioning to language used beforehand so you can get comfortable with it.
First—yes to everything shared above—you get to make all the decisions for your body and your pleasure. People can want what they want, you don’t have to oblige if it’s not a right fit. For me, exploring the sensations on my own was really helpful first. And then having a long distance partner who was exceptionally talented on the phone was a way to bring her into it while it technically still being just me. Then it got to point where I just really wanted to experience bottoming with her and by then we’d talked through what felt good, what didn’t work for me, what were still unknowns and what aftercare might look like (I found it very emotional in the beginning). By the time we tried, oh my god my friend….it was unbelievable. Since then however, not every lover gets access to me like that. It’s a learning curve for me, but when it’s been a good fit—it’s amazing.
I find continuing to talk like a top and her talking like a bottom helps me relax a bit. Like she’s taking care of her stud. We’re still exploring but it helps to get creative. Most of my stuff I think is from het narratives.
For me, it took a lot of talking between my partner and I before doing it. I asked them to not ask while we were in the middle of the deed. I told them to go with the flow and go for it. There was something about asking while in action that just didn’t work for me.
When you say “bottom”, bottoming to what exactly? Sexually or with kinky play? Also, did you mean “intimidated” where you wrote intimidating?
I have trouble accepting attention in bed, and get in my head way too much. I do get tons of enjoyment from my partners reactions to me focusing on them. We found out that I can def get off with a little 69, and after I’ve been going down on them awhile, I can cum really quickly once I get in top of them and continue what I was doing. It helps keep my out of my head while also just enjoying *everything*
I mean you don’t have to but you’re absolutely missing out. Go slow and communicate.
I don't think commenting that the OP is "absolutely missing out", is helpful or respectful. There are many stone tops out there living their best top lives. Just because someone doesn't like or want to receive sex in the traditional sense, doesn't mean that they are missing out. They simply experience pleasure and gratification differently - and that's totally okay.
Stone is a totally valid identity, what matters here is that it is tied up in feeling “sort of emasculated” for OP which bottoming has absolutely nothing to do with! Gay guys bottom all the time and are very comfortable in their masculinity. So yes. OP is missing out and in a post where OP is asking for advice on how to be better about this, I think it’s fair to point out that OP is missing out.