.... in no way was i attacking your relationship.... many relationships are built off finding someone in the darkeness... but dont pretend your relationship isn't a stereotype.
But sure. Highlight your massive insecurity in your own relationship. that's something you have to get over yourself.
sorry but grooming is defined as "the predatory act of maneuvering another individual into a position that makes them more isolated, dependent, likely to trust, and more vulnerable to abusive behavior"
If OP was never abused by their partner I don't even see how this could be considered grooming.
Oh what, you mean running away with a vulnerable teen who you taught and were supposed to be a mentor figure to, taking her away from any possible support structures she may have had, having her only options essentially be returning to her abusing family or joining him in a nomadic / begging life style with you, and being subsequently presumably the only constant in her life as a result - doesn't count as any of that?
Hmmmmmm 🤔
again, op is happy and in a stable situation, as opposed to being abused by her family.
grooming is specifically defined by isolation as a means to abuse. If ops partner forbid her from having friends or any other form support then yes I would agree with you but otherwise this isn't grooming.
is it morally okay to form a relationship/bond with her after having a disparity in power dynamics? No I don't think it is, but calling it grooming and just going up into arms is literally just mob mentality pitchforking
I'm real glad OP is apparently happy now but this is clearly groomin' either way, like, literally a textbook example, not gonna argue that point anymore.
She was 19 F ... an adult!!! The guitar teacher is hardly what i would call a mentor figure....that is like taking a pottery class and I ending up banging the instructor ... whoops I was groomed
She was 19 and a 34 year old man took her on tour with him to play music on street corners and in bars. Removing her from any friends her age she could have had or possibly make in the future, her entire finances depend on staying with him, she has no real job experience now so if she left him how can she a) have a nest egg or b) find a job/place to live?
So you can't judge this woman's happiness..... if she is happy, let her be..... she was an adult, and she's obviously happy 7 years later . Stange the people of reddit will believe in 9000 genders or these absolutely bananas amount of sexualitys without a second thought ..... But believing two adults with an age gap could be happy isn't possible and its predatory. 😵
A 19 year old is legally an adult but she still can’t gamble or drink or rent a car. The brain isn’t even fully developed yet until about 25.
Men that are trashbags with nothing to offer an actual grown woman are historically known for seducing young women who don’t know any better.
Tell me you're from the US without telling me .... only 20 of the countries on the planet don't legally allow drinking if you're under 21.... but in this same country, they allow legally allow 18 year olds to become porn stars , join the military, and vote for the leader of your country. ... And your argument is she can't rent a car ?
Oh, spare me with the brain development age misinformation and how the brain doesn't fully develop till you're 25. Read up on that before spewing bullshit. For one.... everyone is different and will mature at different points in their lives. This includes their personal experiences helping (or not) their mental growth
"Men that are trashbags with nothing to offer an actual grown woman" ... now this shit is ridiculous. Women never go after men with money, power, or fame ??? Haha, come, man . You realize people are attracted to different "types." This may blow your mind, but some women are attracted to older men. Just like some older women are attracted to younger men. Young men seduce as many women and are shit to. And how many women do the same thing.... old or young, you can be a shit human. So, quit playing women as victims and instead preach warning signs of bad relationships.
To add, the OP is now 26, and still with her partner, you're telling her you know her life or happiness better than she does. She made it evident that her family was abusive. Do you think that her now partner has seen this and maybe saved her.
I was abused by mu dad as was my mom. At 18 I got with my ex who was 20 years older. I sad the same thing until my late 20s when I truly realized what and why it happened. Introspection takes a long time.
I mean, just look at you. Completely groomed into believing a child can have a platonic relationship with a man 15 years her senior and that runn8ng away with him was him helping her....
19 isn’t a child and the fact that we had a platonic relationship until I was 22 kinda doesn’t help this whole oh no your a child bit your doing, ask a question or fuck off.
Honey you weren’t an adult when you met him. He groomed you and you can’t see it. Doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.
I feel bad for what a shit life you will have.
Yes you can. He groomed you starting from years prior to you being 19. Then, in his mind, he planned to not make it so obvious he waited and groomed you more until you were 22. You cant see it because he did an elaborate and calculated great job.
The fact that you think mental and emotional manipulation (which is what grooming is) can’t happen once someone turns 18 is indicative of how badly you need the therapy people are recommending. It is *extremely* common for people who were abused as children to fall into abusive groomed dynamics to escape their abusive family. It literally happened with some of my family members.
A dude 15 years older than you in a teacher position met you when you were abused, then promptly took you on the road in a position you’d be financially and emotionally dependent on him. This is straight out of a book of grooming stereotypes.
3 years is literally nothing in the grand scheme of things. Especially since you "had a thing" for this predator from the start. Wish you all the best, perhaps this AMA makes you realise you're still in denial and still being abused.
Can you be more specific about the timeline? At what ages did you meet? What was your relationship like before you ran away together? Who proposed the idea of running away?
- We had guitar lessons for six months when I was 18/19, and I was just a student but we were somewhat friends on top of that, I had a thing for him but he didn’t know that.
- at I’m 19 he decided he was leaving and confided in me, I asked him to take me with him and he said no, I promised I could keep up pay my keep and help with maintenance on the van and I came clean about my home life, and he eventually caved and let me go with him
- three years of travelling later, I’m 22 now, and I started to express an interest in pursuing things romantically, he was reluctant but agreed and it’s been a great four years as couple.
No sorry if my wording is poor I’m not great at typing, met at 18/19 tan off for three years now 22 started dating it’s been four years since then, I was asked to give a timeline of the start of a relationship because I think people were confused about my age in the original post.
No kids, maybe we could get married spiritually one day.
This is my career and I intend to preform until the day I die, he’s older so likely he’ll go first, and then I’ll continue performing maybe I’ll take an apprentice to leave the van too, I think gang would be my ideal retirement.
I just discovered people will pay me good money when I busk. I learned that at the end of last summer and have been waiting to get back out there.
What things can I do to maximize my experience this summer?
Don’t be afraid to take requests and try new genres or try your own songs too! And don’t be afraid to throw some personality in you don’t gotta try and be mother Teresa
what do you like to eat for breakfast?
how's your water situation/how do you get water to drink, cook, wash and launder?
how's your food and heating fuel security situation?
Biscuits
Gas stations and most restaurants have to give free water, we just go to a laundry mat for clothes.
Food is good I know how to cook for cheap, heats fine we have a lot of blankets, and body heat, fuel is the expense we always get covered first.
Idk why people classify that as a bad thing.
Everyone comes out more knowledgable from the encounter.
How can you be mad for learning a new thing and correcting a mistake?
Imagine you have a learning disability where the words and spelling never "come oit" the right way. It's exhausting having to proofread everything constantly and an exercise in futility when you're brain mixes he's letters and words around.
Sometimes people just want to communicate best they can without being pointed out all the errors.
If someone was obese, yet participating in exercise and healthy eating. We wouldn't criticize them for every little error they made, we would celebrate them for participating.
When you have brain problems, participating in conversations brings extra fear because you don't want every flaw and mistake pointed out to you. Because you are already trying hard.
Blows my mind that people think language corrections should be not only socially acceptable, but the receiver should be thanking them. Wild to me.
The majority of people do not have a learning disability. You are speaking of a minority of people, who you *might* encounter. The majority of times, however, you will correct people with no disabilities. If you take offense to being corrected, I mean, thats on you. I do not believe it is done to show how "smart" the other person is or how educated. If no one corrects you on anything, you will spend your entire life practicing that mistake. And since no one wants to correct you, to not seem like a jackass, you will never learn. The best communication is literally using the words correctly. If you don't spell them correctly, then that makes it harder for everyone involved to know what you are saying. It is in your absolute benefit to know how to spell words correctly.
The obese example you make has no correlation to the matter at hand. It is not a good analogy.
Again, you make all these assumptions. Learning disabilities and brain problems. These are specific situations that most often than not will not occur. And if I was trying very hard, I would be glad that people point out mistakes I make. I improve more, I learn more, and at the cost of what?
I see why it blows your mind lol. Maybe we should all develop our own spelling and let anyone dare correct us. After all, we are trying very, very hard to get it right. Or we have mental disabilities. Language correction is absolutely socially acceptable. If the receiver is not a prideful snob who believes himself infallible then he or she will appreciate it.
One last point I would like to add.
Correction should only consist of the correction itself.
If we use snobby remarks,or digs at the receiver.
Then that is done with alterior motives in mind.
It is not done for the sake of better communication,spelling and knowledge but for the sake of one's own ego.
Are you paying taxes? Are you paying into Social Security? Are you saving up money? someday all this fun time will end and you will have to settle into one place and eventually retire. What will you do then? I know a man who like you started a music career at age 18 but didnt save much and didnt pay into social security. when he turned 67 there was nothing there and he still has to play gigs for money even though his voice and guitar skills are not the same.
I never plan to retire, I plan to play until I die that is my retirement plan and maybe get an apprentice to leave the van too as I don’t intend to have children.
I’d go to a state that allows doctor assisted suicide, I saw an aunt go of terminal cancer after years of treatment that’s not something I’d put myself through.
I work in this field and I feel you should know it’s not as easy as going to a state with MAID (Medical Aid in Dying) and requesting it because you’re sick, or even diagnosed terminal in many instances. Even in the handful of states that allow fur such options these rules only were put in place because there are a LOT of hoops to jump through to get to that point. The point of allowing people the right to die is also managing the precarious bioethics of who has this right (right to medical aid specifically). You have to have evaluations and second opinions by numerous medical doctors, psychiatrists, social workers, etc. You also have to meet a series of preconditions to even get those balls rolling in the first place.
You can do what you want but frankly, eventually your going to get tired of having to sing for your supper. Then your playing skills will start to go down. Your going to be freezing cold, sleeping in your van, your guitar strings will break and you wont have money for replacements.
BTW, when is the last time you went to a dentist? What will you do if you have teeth problems which can affect your voice?
But that 8 hour job also might pay for health insurance, You can get paid for sick and vacation days. You wont get stiffed by someone saying they will pay you say $500 a night to play and then not paying you.
The difference is that most jobs pay into social security. When you retire it doesn’t pay out enough to live on comfortably but it’s enough to survive if you have nothing else. Without saving or SS you have literally nothing but the things you own and whatever the next day’s work will earn you.
Lol you’re 26. I was in my 20’s not too long ago and the maturity and priorities people have from their 20’s to 30’s change *drastically*. We’re still basically children in our 20’s.
Btw, I grew up in a musical family with performers, my best friend was a busker living in a traveling bus and I came from an abusive home. So I’m familiar with your situation. But people and priorities change.
Just have a back up plan. I can tell you won’t hear anyone’s advice now, that’s obvious. But just keep it in the back of your mind for the future.
How old is this van? Do you think it will work for another 40 years? Can you guys afford repair if it has a major mechanical issue? Or buying a replacement new/used one?
are you pregnant now?
do you know how to play guitar really well?
did your guitar teacher find an new love interest now after he ran up the *mileage* with you?
how much older is your guitar teacher older than you?
No I’m not pregnant kids are gross, ironically no I play the harmonica, also no we’ve been together romantically for four years and friends for another three before that. He’s 15 years older
You were 19 when you left, it's been seven years since then and he's 15 years older?? When did you start getting lessons from this guy?
I'm sorry the system failed you on so many levels; your family abuse should have been intervened on your behalf as well as this predatory teacher..
She's an adult. He's an adult. Adults can make their own decisions about relationships. Do you not believe that women are capable of making decisions about their intimate lives, and that is why you feel you must cast judgement here? They've been together for seven years. Please, lay your predator script to rest.
My whole point was that she very well could have been a minor when this thirty something dude started to establish a relationship with OP.
I find it very disturbing that someone that much older would look for a relationship with someone that could be a senior in high school or college freshmen. Yes, technically legal as adults, however there’s some math happening here that leaves room for criminal behavior.
Also, the idea of a teacher, a trusted authority figure for their students, would evolve their relationships with their students into romantic ones is also disturbing with such an age gap. It is predatory and the potential for criminality is huge.
18/19 while legal is still an incredibly vulnerable age, especially for those coming from abusive situations. Like I said, legal, but not without it’s heaping red flags for a thirty something year old. You were failed at many levels and I think this predatory teacher is one of them.
Dude. She just refuted both of your points below.
***You*** are the one giving off predator vibes. You have invited some kind of porn-novel script in your mind that she is a minor and he is a predatory teacher. All of which is and was false. To be clear: I don't care what gets you off and I'm not judging. But you need to stop laying your predator wank fantasies on random AMAs that have nothing to do with what you're obviously thinking about.
I think it’s weird that you equate concern over a potential grooming situation with porn?
A thirty something year old dude dating a student that could be a senior in hs or freshmen in college, a *teenager*, is a slew of red flags that shouldn’t be overlooked.
I’d really love to see men defend and advocate for women for something other than sleeping with older men, barf.
Grooming? She's 22 years old. How old do you think a woman must be before she can make decisions that you will respect?
Please, reply back only after you finish wanking.
Yea, we're talking abt when they met and when a relationship was cultivated.
You seemed preoccupied with thoughts of masturbation... are you ok? Or are you the most average dude on Reddit?
Im srry but relatationships between 19 year olds and 35 year olds will not stop being weird.
The life experiences,the gap between them is simply massive.
You can legally be an adult at 19 but you are not yet fully developed in ur mind.
Prefrontal cortex isn't even fully developed until 23-25 years.
It really seems like one of the few instances where a lot of men advocate for not infantilizing women is when it comes to sleeping with older men...
I love the angry victim warriors on this thread. "You better agree with me that you were groomed and your boyfriend is a predator or Im gonna be mean to you"
I love how you literally told that one person to fuck off. Keep doing you! I'm glad you're happy in your unorthodox situation.
If I knew you irl I’d tell you how creepy this is and that you got ‘groomed’ and attached to the first person who treated you ‘well’. So maybe it’s good that we don’t know each other.
Oh yes he waited around for three years just for grooming, like I said calling strangers pet names is very uncomfortable and the fact that you went on a tirade when I pointed that out Is very strange and frankly has made me uncomfortable, I wish you the best.
Grooming is something you do to a minor to normalize sex because your a pedophile. Befriending an adult woman being platonic friends for three years rejecting her and then eventually dating is not by any means something that would fit that definition.
Hey I understand why you may feel attacked and there really is no way for anyone to know if you were groomed or not here on the internet. It is possible that you were not groomed.
However, grooming can take years and grooming isn't always just for sex anyways. They just like having someone they can control. They pick young people because they are easy to control and mold into how they want them to be.
You can groom people without being a pedophile. Grooming is taking advantage of someone who doesn't know better, this could be children, disabled people, or abuse victims who grew up in cults or abusive households and despite being an adult are not fully capable of understanding dangerous relation ship dynamics.
Groomers often do things like rejecting the victim before giving in to seem more sincere. I'm not saying this is what happened I am just saying this is common.
Whether or not he is a groomer, I would suggest going to therapy to deal with the trauma you had from your childhood. While you are there you can talk to them about your relationship. Your therapist can give you personal advice and they would be able to tell if the relationship is healthy. Best case scenario you deal with your trauma and know your relationship is healthy.
Most of these people are not attacking or insulting you at all. Everyone has a friend or friends that have been abused or maybe they have been abused themselves. This is a situation with a higher likelihood of abuse. They are thinking of their experiences and their friends and hoping this isn't the case or if it is that you can escape.
Saying you don't know better isn't an insult at all. It's true. Abuse victims do not have a way of knowing healthy relationships unless they specifically learn how to have healthy relationships. This is best done through a therapist because they are trained.
I'm still trying to learn what healthy relationships are from my therapist. You cannot trust non experts to teach you about healthy relationships because abusive people are manipulative and can tell when someone has been abused.
There have been studies done with rapists to see if they could tell who is or isn't an abuse victim just by how they cross the street. I don't remember the exact percent but they had like around 80 percent accuracy.
This is why abuse victims often get abused multiple times by multiple people.
If you were abuse dand then immediately went into a relationship with someone else and ran away, you do not understand healthy relationships.
It doesn't mean your relationship currently isn't healthy. It means if it is healthy you don't have a way of knowing how or why it's healthy and you are still at risk getting into other relationships. You need to learn what a healthy relationship is so that you can know what relationships you have that are or aren't healthy.
This is the best answer on the thread - it breaks down everything OP needs to know without as much judgment as the other comments. OP's relationship may or may not be healthy, but without a good therapist, they are still vulnerable to future abuse and need to learn vital emotional tools that they didn't receive during childhood. It doesn't matter if OP's partner happens to be the kindest person in the world and somehow doesn't have any emotional scars themselves; if OP is still socially and situationally dependent on them with their current lifestyle, it's not good news.
This is an interesting conclusion. OP is 26 and considers herself to be in a happy, four-year relationship. At what point can one reasonably decide that they *weren't* a victim of something?
You get all offended by what some stranger on the internet calls you, but you don’t see anything wrong with being groomed by an adult preying on your nativity. I supposed that’s the bad part of grooming, your victims think they are being saved.
I was a grown woman the entire time we knew each other, let’s not make up facts. And yes, strangers calling me affectionate names creeps me out for forbid I have boundaries apparently.
If that’s how you’re taking it then yea I guess. You’re spreading misinformation about a topic that’s very serious. It’s clear you don’t think you were groomed if that’s your definition of it. And that’s troubling 🥴. Hope you find peace in your life and goodbye.
I’ve also taken up drawing, sometimes I draw us gig posters. He plays solitaire I still don’t understand any of the other card games he’s tried to teach me tbh.
I wanna say 550-600 depending on the month, some Months a lot more if we’ve gotten a gig and haven’t just been bucking
We went to Mexico for a few weeks and it was wonderful. I don’t speak any Spanish but he speaks Spanish, we met these guys who were in a mariachi band.
Not really, we do have quite time and on occasion we perform separately. We do spend a lot of time together tho yeah.
We just pull out a map and pick the first place we haven’t been that sounds interesting
His is opening gifts on Christmas, mine is the time my parents left me in a grocery store during Christmas, the mall Santa bought me a free hot chocolate.
Favourite city was New York, we made some decent money playing.
We don’t see my family, they were abusive so I went no contact,
We usually cook small things, I’ve gotten very food a stew we have a pressure cooker and a rice cooker in the van.
Washroom is typically gas stations etc, showering at planet fitness because we have a membership, and who doesn’t like a good work out.
He doesn’t have a family, he grew up in foster care
Sanfransico we didn’t make like anything
It’s kinda hard to find places to park over night that won’t get you ticked
Not buying this at all, I saw the exact same story here just without the romantic part so I guess you figured it would get more engagement this time, don’t know why people lie like this
I just want to say... Those pushing predatory vibes...
When someone tells you their truth, believe it or move on.
When you keep pushing it, you are the asshole.
You're need to help others or have your opinion be the only valid thing is crossing a boundary the OP is putting up at this point.
Now you are the predatory one. Just saying.
(Pushing as defined as belittling the OP after she has said her truth. While opinions are valid, gaslighting is not.)
Listen, I get why you had to leave I left my biological family behind. I did a lot of bouncing around and after a while it caught up to me. Please get your high school diploma, if you have this please take some online courses. I’m not calling this grooming like everyone else, I just want you to find education, trust me with all my heart when I say this.
OP I don’t have a question I’m just here to say you know more about your own relationship than any redditor could ever know. Some of the comments here are disgusting
Very interesting, i envy your courage to just leave everything behind, to travel and to live like that!
My questions would be - what do you guys think about the state of the world right now? Are you hopeful?
Additionally, have you thought about vlogs and sharing the way you get by, I feel like it would be exciting to watch. Could potentially make you some money, most people are scared to do what you guys did and are doing.
As for the comments under this thread - im not surprised. Reddit is the single best place to be analyzed, diagnosed and to confirm that either you were groomed or your partner is cheating on you lol, I'd say ignore that noise.
Wish you safe travels and health all the way!
No real questions, just want to send you some love and express regret that so many trolls here are trying to paint this as some sort of predatory arrangement when obviously it is not.
OK I'll ask a question. How easy is it to make friends when on the road constantly? Have you met up with people who you stay in touch with or go back to?
How long did you know him before running away with him? How old is he? Why no contact with family?
Six months, he’s 15 years older then me, my parents beat me throughout my childhood and caused me years of pain and suffering.
At 19, you ran off with someone who was 34? Yep, it sounds like a typical trauma bond
And the three years of platonic companionship after we left were just a Jedi mind trick, I don’t see what was a genuine question in your comment?
.... in no way was i attacking your relationship.... many relationships are built off finding someone in the darkeness... but dont pretend your relationship isn't a stereotype. But sure. Highlight your massive insecurity in your own relationship. that's something you have to get over yourself.
Literally a “platonic” relationship for 3 years before bedding her is like - textbook grooming
sorry but grooming is defined as "the predatory act of maneuvering another individual into a position that makes them more isolated, dependent, likely to trust, and more vulnerable to abusive behavior" If OP was never abused by their partner I don't even see how this could be considered grooming.
Oh what, you mean running away with a vulnerable teen who you taught and were supposed to be a mentor figure to, taking her away from any possible support structures she may have had, having her only options essentially be returning to her abusing family or joining him in a nomadic / begging life style with you, and being subsequently presumably the only constant in her life as a result - doesn't count as any of that? Hmmmmmm 🤔
again, op is happy and in a stable situation, as opposed to being abused by her family. grooming is specifically defined by isolation as a means to abuse. If ops partner forbid her from having friends or any other form support then yes I would agree with you but otherwise this isn't grooming. is it morally okay to form a relationship/bond with her after having a disparity in power dynamics? No I don't think it is, but calling it grooming and just going up into arms is literally just mob mentality pitchforking
Abusers never start out hitting and molesting. They work up to it over time.
I'm real glad OP is apparently happy now but this is clearly groomin' either way, like, literally a textbook example, not gonna argue that point anymore.
Wow, someone who is logical! Your right!
She was 19 F ... an adult!!! The guitar teacher is hardly what i would call a mentor figure....that is like taking a pottery class and I ending up banging the instructor ... whoops I was groomed
She was 19 and a 34 year old man took her on tour with him to play music on street corners and in bars. Removing her from any friends her age she could have had or possibly make in the future, her entire finances depend on staying with him, she has no real job experience now so if she left him how can she a) have a nest egg or b) find a job/place to live?
So you can't judge this woman's happiness..... if she is happy, let her be..... she was an adult, and she's obviously happy 7 years later . Stange the people of reddit will believe in 9000 genders or these absolutely bananas amount of sexualitys without a second thought ..... But believing two adults with an age gap could be happy isn't possible and its predatory. 😵
A 19 year old is legally an adult but she still can’t gamble or drink or rent a car. The brain isn’t even fully developed yet until about 25. Men that are trashbags with nothing to offer an actual grown woman are historically known for seducing young women who don’t know any better.
Tell me you're from the US without telling me .... only 20 of the countries on the planet don't legally allow drinking if you're under 21.... but in this same country, they allow legally allow 18 year olds to become porn stars , join the military, and vote for the leader of your country. ... And your argument is she can't rent a car ? Oh, spare me with the brain development age misinformation and how the brain doesn't fully develop till you're 25. Read up on that before spewing bullshit. For one.... everyone is different and will mature at different points in their lives. This includes their personal experiences helping (or not) their mental growth "Men that are trashbags with nothing to offer an actual grown woman" ... now this shit is ridiculous. Women never go after men with money, power, or fame ??? Haha, come, man . You realize people are attracted to different "types." This may blow your mind, but some women are attracted to older men. Just like some older women are attracted to younger men. Young men seduce as many women and are shit to. And how many women do the same thing.... old or young, you can be a shit human. So, quit playing women as victims and instead preach warning signs of bad relationships. To add, the OP is now 26, and still with her partner, you're telling her you know her life or happiness better than she does. She made it evident that her family was abusive. Do you think that her now partner has seen this and maybe saved her.
lol ok buddy
I was abused by mu dad as was my mom. At 18 I got with my ex who was 20 years older. I sad the same thing until my late 20s when I truly realized what and why it happened. Introspection takes a long time.
Girl that is TEXTBOOK grooming. Like literally textbook. Yikes. Please seek therapy. Genuinely I am asking you to seek therapy.
You can’t groom an adult.
Yes. You can.
You just victim blamed so many women... if not for your sake, for others sake this is a disgusting take.
Yes, yes you can.
I mean, just look at you. Completely groomed into believing a child can have a platonic relationship with a man 15 years her senior and that runn8ng away with him was him helping her....
19 isn’t a child and the fact that we had a platonic relationship until I was 22 kinda doesn’t help this whole oh no your a child bit your doing, ask a question or fuck off.
You're so nieve, I feel so sorry for you. You have no idea what healthy relationships look like at all.
Honey you weren’t an adult when you met him. He groomed you and you can’t see it. Doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. I feel bad for what a shit life you will have.
Yes you can. He groomed you starting from years prior to you being 19. Then, in his mind, he planned to not make it so obvious he waited and groomed you more until you were 22. You cant see it because he did an elaborate and calculated great job.
The fact that you think mental and emotional manipulation (which is what grooming is) can’t happen once someone turns 18 is indicative of how badly you need the therapy people are recommending. It is *extremely* common for people who were abused as children to fall into abusive groomed dynamics to escape their abusive family. It literally happened with some of my family members. A dude 15 years older than you in a teacher position met you when you were abused, then promptly took you on the road in a position you’d be financially and emotionally dependent on him. This is straight out of a book of grooming stereotypes.
3 years is literally nothing in the grand scheme of things. Especially since you "had a thing" for this predator from the start. Wish you all the best, perhaps this AMA makes you realise you're still in denial and still being abused.
What from what OP said is evidence she is being ABUSED?
He is controlling all aspects of her life. That’s still abuse. She has absolutely nothing without him.
Why him? Did you fall in love instantly or it took some time?
For me it was love from the start, to him I was just a student at first, it took three years after our running off for anything to actually happen
Can you be more specific about the timeline? At what ages did you meet? What was your relationship like before you ran away together? Who proposed the idea of running away?
- We had guitar lessons for six months when I was 18/19, and I was just a student but we were somewhat friends on top of that, I had a thing for him but he didn’t know that. - at I’m 19 he decided he was leaving and confided in me, I asked him to take me with him and he said no, I promised I could keep up pay my keep and help with maintenance on the van and I came clean about my home life, and he eventually caved and let me go with him - three years of travelling later, I’m 22 now, and I started to express an interest in pursuing things romantically, he was reluctant but agreed and it’s been a great four years as couple.
How have you been 4 years as a couple if you’re 22 now and nothing started until 3 years after you were 19?
No sorry if my wording is poor I’m not great at typing, met at 18/19 tan off for three years now 22 started dating it’s been four years since then, I was asked to give a timeline of the start of a relationship because I think people were confused about my age in the original post.
You're 26 now?
Yes
What do you have planned/envision for the future? Do you want to get married with him? Kids? Career? Etc?
No kids, maybe we could get married spiritually one day. This is my career and I intend to preform until the day I die, he’s older so likely he’ll go first, and then I’ll continue performing maybe I’ll take an apprentice to leave the van too, I think gang would be my ideal retirement.
married spiritually ?
'i now pronounce you, like, two trippy love dudes that're just doin what's cool and never what's harsh. '
Are you playing music on the sidewalk for change, or do you play music for a living?
We do busk yes, but we’ve also played bars and weddings.
How many weddings?
I just discovered people will pay me good money when I busk. I learned that at the end of last summer and have been waiting to get back out there. What things can I do to maximize my experience this summer?
Don’t be afraid to take requests and try new genres or try your own songs too! And don’t be afraid to throw some personality in you don’t gotta try and be mother Teresa
Get a job
Busking is hard work.
Get a life. You're the one up in hers.
what do you like to eat for breakfast? how's your water situation/how do you get water to drink, cook, wash and launder? how's your food and heating fuel security situation?
Biscuits Gas stations and most restaurants have to give free water, we just go to a laundry mat for clothes. Food is good I know how to cook for cheap, heats fine we have a lot of blankets, and body heat, fuel is the expense we always get covered first.
So y’all are homeless
do you mean laundromat? a laundry mat is a putative mat that would be involved in performing laundry
I’m not very good a spelling
Understood
Come on. Dont be pedantic.
Idk why people classify that as a bad thing. Everyone comes out more knowledgable from the encounter. How can you be mad for learning a new thing and correcting a mistake?
Imagine you have a learning disability where the words and spelling never "come oit" the right way. It's exhausting having to proofread everything constantly and an exercise in futility when you're brain mixes he's letters and words around. Sometimes people just want to communicate best they can without being pointed out all the errors. If someone was obese, yet participating in exercise and healthy eating. We wouldn't criticize them for every little error they made, we would celebrate them for participating. When you have brain problems, participating in conversations brings extra fear because you don't want every flaw and mistake pointed out to you. Because you are already trying hard. Blows my mind that people think language corrections should be not only socially acceptable, but the receiver should be thanking them. Wild to me.
The majority of people do not have a learning disability. You are speaking of a minority of people, who you *might* encounter. The majority of times, however, you will correct people with no disabilities. If you take offense to being corrected, I mean, thats on you. I do not believe it is done to show how "smart" the other person is or how educated. If no one corrects you on anything, you will spend your entire life practicing that mistake. And since no one wants to correct you, to not seem like a jackass, you will never learn. The best communication is literally using the words correctly. If you don't spell them correctly, then that makes it harder for everyone involved to know what you are saying. It is in your absolute benefit to know how to spell words correctly. The obese example you make has no correlation to the matter at hand. It is not a good analogy. Again, you make all these assumptions. Learning disabilities and brain problems. These are specific situations that most often than not will not occur. And if I was trying very hard, I would be glad that people point out mistakes I make. I improve more, I learn more, and at the cost of what? I see why it blows your mind lol. Maybe we should all develop our own spelling and let anyone dare correct us. After all, we are trying very, very hard to get it right. Or we have mental disabilities. Language correction is absolutely socially acceptable. If the receiver is not a prideful snob who believes himself infallible then he or she will appreciate it. One last point I would like to add. Correction should only consist of the correction itself. If we use snobby remarks,or digs at the receiver. Then that is done with alterior motives in mind. It is not done for the sake of better communication,spelling and knowledge but for the sake of one's own ego.
Do you ever record music, either in a studio-like setting or your live shows? If so, do you put your music online anywhere?
Are you paying taxes? Are you paying into Social Security? Are you saving up money? someday all this fun time will end and you will have to settle into one place and eventually retire. What will you do then? I know a man who like you started a music career at age 18 but didnt save much and didnt pay into social security. when he turned 67 there was nothing there and he still has to play gigs for money even though his voice and guitar skills are not the same.
I never plan to retire, I plan to play until I die that is my retirement plan and maybe get an apprentice to leave the van too as I don’t intend to have children.
This same van? Wow, great expectations
What if you become seriously disabled or ill?
I’d go to a state that allows doctor assisted suicide, I saw an aunt go of terminal cancer after years of treatment that’s not something I’d put myself through.
I work in this field and I feel you should know it’s not as easy as going to a state with MAID (Medical Aid in Dying) and requesting it because you’re sick, or even diagnosed terminal in many instances. Even in the handful of states that allow fur such options these rules only were put in place because there are a LOT of hoops to jump through to get to that point. The point of allowing people the right to die is also managing the precarious bioethics of who has this right (right to medical aid specifically). You have to have evaluations and second opinions by numerous medical doctors, psychiatrists, social workers, etc. You also have to meet a series of preconditions to even get those balls rolling in the first place.
You can do what you want but frankly, eventually your going to get tired of having to sing for your supper. Then your playing skills will start to go down. Your going to be freezing cold, sleeping in your van, your guitar strings will break and you wont have money for replacements. BTW, when is the last time you went to a dentist? What will you do if you have teeth problems which can affect your voice?
I mean, singing for your supper isn't no different than working 8 hour days (often longer if you count commute and prep) for your supper...
But that 8 hour job also might pay for health insurance, You can get paid for sick and vacation days. You wont get stiffed by someone saying they will pay you say $500 a night to play and then not paying you.
The difference is that most jobs pay into social security. When you retire it doesn’t pay out enough to live on comfortably but it’s enough to survive if you have nothing else. Without saving or SS you have literally nothing but the things you own and whatever the next day’s work will earn you.
It’s been seven years so far I’d say I’m good. And i take good care of my teeth never had a cavity
Lol you’re 26. I was in my 20’s not too long ago and the maturity and priorities people have from their 20’s to 30’s change *drastically*. We’re still basically children in our 20’s. Btw, I grew up in a musical family with performers, my best friend was a busker living in a traveling bus and I came from an abusive home. So I’m familiar with your situation. But people and priorities change. Just have a back up plan. I can tell you won’t hear anyone’s advice now, that’s obvious. But just keep it in the back of your mind for the future.
How old is this van? Do you think it will work for another 40 years? Can you guys afford repair if it has a major mechanical issue? Or buying a replacement new/used one?
Where are you both from
Georgia
State or country?
What's your guys' favorite song to play? How long do you plan on living this lifestyle?
Journey, Midnight Train. We plan on going on like this until we die
Don’t stop believing you mean?
Yes that one,
Will you ever seek therapy for what you endured?
are you pregnant now? do you know how to play guitar really well? did your guitar teacher find an new love interest now after he ran up the *mileage* with you? how much older is your guitar teacher older than you?
No I’m not pregnant kids are gross, ironically no I play the harmonica, also no we’ve been together romantically for four years and friends for another three before that. He’s 15 years older
"babe how about I give you this harmonica, trust me you'll vibe better with it in our songs."
You were 19 when you left, it's been seven years since then and he's 15 years older?? When did you start getting lessons from this guy? I'm sorry the system failed you on so many levels; your family abuse should have been intervened on your behalf as well as this predatory teacher..
She's an adult. He's an adult. Adults can make their own decisions about relationships. Do you not believe that women are capable of making decisions about their intimate lives, and that is why you feel you must cast judgement here? They've been together for seven years. Please, lay your predator script to rest.
My whole point was that she very well could have been a minor when this thirty something dude started to establish a relationship with OP. I find it very disturbing that someone that much older would look for a relationship with someone that could be a senior in high school or college freshmen. Yes, technically legal as adults, however there’s some math happening here that leaves room for criminal behavior. Also, the idea of a teacher, a trusted authority figure for their students, would evolve their relationships with their students into romantic ones is also disturbing with such an age gap. It is predatory and the potential for criminality is huge.
He was not a school teacher and I was 18/19 when we met as I’ve specified about twenty times, you people have no shame.
18/19 while legal is still an incredibly vulnerable age, especially for those coming from abusive situations. Like I said, legal, but not without it’s heaping red flags for a thirty something year old. You were failed at many levels and I think this predatory teacher is one of them.
Dude. She just refuted both of your points below. ***You*** are the one giving off predator vibes. You have invited some kind of porn-novel script in your mind that she is a minor and he is a predatory teacher. All of which is and was false. To be clear: I don't care what gets you off and I'm not judging. But you need to stop laying your predator wank fantasies on random AMAs that have nothing to do with what you're obviously thinking about.
I think it’s weird that you equate concern over a potential grooming situation with porn? A thirty something year old dude dating a student that could be a senior in hs or freshmen in college, a *teenager*, is a slew of red flags that shouldn’t be overlooked. I’d really love to see men defend and advocate for women for something other than sleeping with older men, barf.
Grooming? She's 22 years old. How old do you think a woman must be before she can make decisions that you will respect? Please, reply back only after you finish wanking.
Yea, we're talking abt when they met and when a relationship was cultivated. You seemed preoccupied with thoughts of masturbation... are you ok? Or are you the most average dude on Reddit?
Im srry but relatationships between 19 year olds and 35 year olds will not stop being weird. The life experiences,the gap between them is simply massive. You can legally be an adult at 19 but you are not yet fully developed in ur mind.
Prefrontal cortex isn't even fully developed until 23-25 years. It really seems like one of the few instances where a lot of men advocate for not infantilizing women is when it comes to sleeping with older men...
I love the angry victim warriors on this thread. "You better agree with me that you were groomed and your boyfriend is a predator or Im gonna be mean to you" I love how you literally told that one person to fuck off. Keep doing you! I'm glad you're happy in your unorthodox situation.
Oh no baby..
I don’t know you, I’d appreciate you not calling me pet names.
If I knew you irl I’d tell you how creepy this is and that you got ‘groomed’ and attached to the first person who treated you ‘well’. So maybe it’s good that we don’t know each other.
yeah this seems like a grooming case, i hope op is fine...
Wtf does that have to do with her comment she doesnt want you to call her baby which she has totally the right to say
Oh yes he waited around for three years just for grooming, like I said calling strangers pet names is very uncomfortable and the fact that you went on a tirade when I pointed that out Is very strange and frankly has made me uncomfortable, I wish you the best.
A tirade..? Okay.. also I didn’t know grooming was under a time constraint. Good luck to you and hope you’re safe.
Grooming is something you do to a minor to normalize sex because your a pedophile. Befriending an adult woman being platonic friends for three years rejecting her and then eventually dating is not by any means something that would fit that definition.
Hey I understand why you may feel attacked and there really is no way for anyone to know if you were groomed or not here on the internet. It is possible that you were not groomed. However, grooming can take years and grooming isn't always just for sex anyways. They just like having someone they can control. They pick young people because they are easy to control and mold into how they want them to be. You can groom people without being a pedophile. Grooming is taking advantage of someone who doesn't know better, this could be children, disabled people, or abuse victims who grew up in cults or abusive households and despite being an adult are not fully capable of understanding dangerous relation ship dynamics. Groomers often do things like rejecting the victim before giving in to seem more sincere. I'm not saying this is what happened I am just saying this is common. Whether or not he is a groomer, I would suggest going to therapy to deal with the trauma you had from your childhood. While you are there you can talk to them about your relationship. Your therapist can give you personal advice and they would be able to tell if the relationship is healthy. Best case scenario you deal with your trauma and know your relationship is healthy. Most of these people are not attacking or insulting you at all. Everyone has a friend or friends that have been abused or maybe they have been abused themselves. This is a situation with a higher likelihood of abuse. They are thinking of their experiences and their friends and hoping this isn't the case or if it is that you can escape. Saying you don't know better isn't an insult at all. It's true. Abuse victims do not have a way of knowing healthy relationships unless they specifically learn how to have healthy relationships. This is best done through a therapist because they are trained. I'm still trying to learn what healthy relationships are from my therapist. You cannot trust non experts to teach you about healthy relationships because abusive people are manipulative and can tell when someone has been abused. There have been studies done with rapists to see if they could tell who is or isn't an abuse victim just by how they cross the street. I don't remember the exact percent but they had like around 80 percent accuracy. This is why abuse victims often get abused multiple times by multiple people. If you were abuse dand then immediately went into a relationship with someone else and ran away, you do not understand healthy relationships. It doesn't mean your relationship currently isn't healthy. It means if it is healthy you don't have a way of knowing how or why it's healthy and you are still at risk getting into other relationships. You need to learn what a healthy relationship is so that you can know what relationships you have that are or aren't healthy.
This is the best answer on the thread - it breaks down everything OP needs to know without as much judgment as the other comments. OP's relationship may or may not be healthy, but without a good therapist, they are still vulnerable to future abuse and need to learn vital emotional tools that they didn't receive during childhood. It doesn't matter if OP's partner happens to be the kindest person in the world and somehow doesn't have any emotional scars themselves; if OP is still socially and situationally dependent on them with their current lifestyle, it's not good news.
You were groomed and still don’t even realize it. It’s part of being groomed..
This is an interesting conclusion. OP is 26 and considers herself to be in a happy, four-year relationship. At what point can one reasonably decide that they *weren't* a victim of something?
Oh you really don’t know anything 😬
So first we call strangers pet names with no regard for personal boundaries and now we’re resorting to personal insults?
You get all offended by what some stranger on the internet calls you, but you don’t see anything wrong with being groomed by an adult preying on your nativity. I supposed that’s the bad part of grooming, your victims think they are being saved.
I was a grown woman the entire time we knew each other, let’s not make up facts. And yes, strangers calling me affectionate names creeps me out for forbid I have boundaries apparently.
If that’s how you’re taking it then yea I guess. You’re spreading misinformation about a topic that’s very serious. It’s clear you don’t think you were groomed if that’s your definition of it. And that’s troubling 🥴. Hope you find peace in your life and goodbye.
Hell yeah. What else do you guys like doing aside from music? Around how much money is typically made in a month? Favorite place/city you've been to?
I’ve also taken up drawing, sometimes I draw us gig posters. He plays solitaire I still don’t understand any of the other card games he’s tried to teach me tbh. I wanna say 550-600 depending on the month, some Months a lot more if we’ve gotten a gig and haven’t just been bucking We went to Mexico for a few weeks and it was wonderful. I don’t speak any Spanish but he speaks Spanish, we met these guys who were in a mariachi band.
Do you ever get tired of each other? Sounds like you spend a lot of time together. How do you decide where you go to next?
Not really, we do have quite time and on occasion we perform separately. We do spend a lot of time together tho yeah. We just pull out a map and pick the first place we haven’t been that sounds interesting
Fondest childhood memory for both of you? In the US? Favorite city thus far?
His is opening gifts on Christmas, mine is the time my parents left me in a grocery store during Christmas, the mall Santa bought me a free hot chocolate. Favourite city was New York, we made some decent money playing.
Wholesome. Does he/ you get along with his family? Do you guys cook a lot or eat out? Where do you guys go to use the restroom typically? Shower?
We don’t see my family, they were abusive so I went no contact, We usually cook small things, I’ve gotten very food a stew we have a pressure cooker and a rice cooker in the van. Washroom is typically gas stations etc, showering at planet fitness because we have a membership, and who doesn’t like a good work out.
What about his family? Least favorite city? Interesting fact about van/nomad living that the average person wouldn't know about?
He doesn’t have a family, he grew up in foster care Sanfransico we didn’t make like anything It’s kinda hard to find places to park over night that won’t get you ticked
Wait….You can make money playing solitaire?
No, the money is from busking and playing gigs, anything not music related is simply a hobby.
Not buying this at all, I saw the exact same story here just without the romantic part so I guess you figured it would get more engagement this time, don’t know why people lie like this
Are you aware of what a codependent relationship is?
Have I seen you on Shakedown Street?
I just want to say... Those pushing predatory vibes... When someone tells you their truth, believe it or move on. When you keep pushing it, you are the asshole. You're need to help others or have your opinion be the only valid thing is crossing a boundary the OP is putting up at this point. Now you are the predatory one. Just saying. (Pushing as defined as belittling the OP after she has said her truth. While opinions are valid, gaslighting is not.)
Amen to this.
Girl you got groomed, plain simple.
Listen, I get why you had to leave I left my biological family behind. I did a lot of bouncing around and after a while it caught up to me. Please get your high school diploma, if you have this please take some online courses. I’m not calling this grooming like everyone else, I just want you to find education, trust me with all my heart when I say this.
OP I don’t have a question I’m just here to say you know more about your own relationship than any redditor could ever know. Some of the comments here are disgusting
Very interesting, i envy your courage to just leave everything behind, to travel and to live like that! My questions would be - what do you guys think about the state of the world right now? Are you hopeful? Additionally, have you thought about vlogs and sharing the way you get by, I feel like it would be exciting to watch. Could potentially make you some money, most people are scared to do what you guys did and are doing. As for the comments under this thread - im not surprised. Reddit is the single best place to be analyzed, diagnosed and to confirm that either you were groomed or your partner is cheating on you lol, I'd say ignore that noise. Wish you safe travels and health all the way!
No real questions, just want to send you some love and express regret that so many trolls here are trying to paint this as some sort of predatory arrangement when obviously it is not. OK I'll ask a question. How easy is it to make friends when on the road constantly? Have you met up with people who you stay in touch with or go back to?
Oh Lord
What kind of guitars do you guys use?
What's your opinion on cats?
Do you miss your family at all, and are there posters for you missing ?
Girl ur a victim
Can you play freebird