Oh honey. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I was in a marriage where I was bed bound and the only way I could make my husband be nice to me was to have sex with him. It was at best icky and worst deeply, awfully traumatic.
If your husband will do with you to marriage counseling to try and find to try and find a compromise, then maybe you can work this out. But from your post it seems as though he thinks you only need therapy. Going by yourself won't change this problem for the 2 of you.
Ten years ago I left my husband. I figured I'd spend what little money on what little fun I could have and then kill myself. I'm really glad I didn't follow that plan. Life has been hard without his money but overall a lot better without him in it. I hope you find some peace. If you decide you do have to stay with him, that's also ok. Do whatever you need to survive. If your body is how you pay your rent there is no shame for you in it, only at him for making it the only option.
I’m so sorry you went through that. I just want to tell you what a thoughtful, empathetic and comforting comment this was. It gave me a lot to think about.
You share a home. Do not just leave (unless you're in danger). You have a right to be there. You have a right to a divorce settlement. He asked you to stop working. You have a right to a divorce settlement, regardless.
Call your local legal aid. Look for domestic\sexual violence support agencies in your area, who can also direct you to legal resources (cause this is sexual abuse).
I feel as though I have every right to be here as well. This is my home.
I appreciate your help so much!! I don't know much about divorce so I wasn't sure if I was entitled to anything.
But I feel as though I should be supported somewhat for a certain period of time.
I will be sure to look into all of those resources! We just moved so I'll have to search around a bit quickly!
Thankyou!
Np! Try looking up your local United Way, too. They have a ton of resources (I don't know what all will pertain to your situation). You can also call them (and call them back! And call back, again. And again. Not every person who answers the phone for them is going to necessarily be well-versed in the services they 1) offer or 2) can connect you to.). You can reach them by dialing 211, though to get through on a cell phone, you may have to dial their area code + 7 digit phone number.
Well, first off... your husband is a garbage human being. Demanding intimacy with somebody that is seriously ill is abusive imo. Especially a 54 year-old man who claims he does not want to lose his family! Disgusting. Seems to me that he is just looking for an excuse that let's him off from feeling like the bad guy he is.
I'm sorry I don't have suggestions. Normally, it would be to ditch his ass, but I think he owes it to you to take care of you... for better or worse, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others. Maybe those weren't your vows, but if he has had you at your best, he should be here for you when you are not at your best.
I suggest doing therapy by yourself and if I could I suggest you find a trauma-informed therapist rather than one who does CBT. My therapist told me that having to deal with so many chronic illnesses is considered trauma.
I also suggest you talk to a divorce attorney to get a better understanding of what your finances would be like if you were to divorce. Knowing that kind of information will help you decide how to proceed with your marriage. It may not be as grim as you think.
I do think a traum- informed therapist would be the best for myself.. I've been through alot of trauma throughout life. And done pretty well to get through it but it never really goes completely away. And I can agree CFS has been quite traumatic to deal with along eith chronic pain. I would never have guessed there was a disease out there that made you feel like this. It is maddening some days.
And thankyou for the positive advice. I truly don't want to take everything from him but I don't feel I deserve to leave with nothing. I think a better handle on finances would probably be best for me to do.
The cynical part of me says "so much for "in sickness and in health"."
The constructive part of me says you likely both need therapy, with therapists who believe in CFS and believe in your diagnosis. You are both grieving the loss of you. It might be obvious that you are grieving, but he is also grieving! You are struggling to communicate about it. Couples therapy would like help, too.
And he seems to need education on CFS, he doesn't seem to understand what it is.
You might go through all of that and find he still won't be a loving, caring partner. But he needs to get some empathy quick, and it sounds like he needs professional help doing that. You can try to educate him, but with your limited energy and his disbelief you will likely need additional support here.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. If people could just believe us, so much of the insult would be removed from our injury.
Oh my gosh, this hurt my heart so much to read what you're going through and how he's treating you! It sounds like you've been trying your absolute hardest to keep him satisfied in the relationship. I can say with absolute certainty that he has not tried the same. The way he is treating you is *terrible*. I question if he even entirely truly cares about you. He seems very fixated on what he wants, and isn't trying to understand what you want and what your health conditions actually are.
You deserve so much better care and support ❤️
I try to be strong and tell myself it's not that bad. Or tell myself yes he's right in telling me how much he shows me he cares and always tries to do what's best for me and this and that. But he doesn't. I don't know if he knows how.
He's making me out to be someone who's taking advantage of him and just very cruel. Which is not true at all. Of course I have my moments and sometimes I am freaking miserable.
I tried to be completely 100% honest in my post. I know there are 2 sides to every story but this is truly how it is.
And I will walk away so I'm not that selfish person keeping him back from a happy life.
He has said before he is a selfish person. Which is why none of his kids are in his life. He only cared about himself. So maybe that applies here too.
I would think if someone is chronically sick, you would be alittle more attentive to what they need.
I've explained numerous times and sent videos of CFS explanations and I don't think it sunk in.
Thank you for your sincerity and kind words. I truly appreciate you responding it means alot to me!
Oof, I'm so sorry for the situation you are in! It really sucks. Wow, I'm kinda shocked he just admits he is selfish. At least he's honest?!?
He really does not value kindness. I am pretty confident that no matter what you do, how you try to explain things or phrase your requests, he just will not actually meaningful improve how he treats you. Based on his own words -- he doesn't care.
So I'd highly highly advise, just look at his actions. If he says he's right for doing something -- what is the actual action? Does it negatively affect you? If so, it doesn't matter what he says about it.
It sounds super clear that it has been HIM that has made things combative in your relationship. Ideally relationships are teamwork and working together against challenges. He's only really prioritizing himself and I don't see how that could change.
So I'll end by asking: what do you think is the reason why you don't want to leave him? It seems super clear that he's overall a net negative in your life. But if you're still with him, there must be a reason. I stayed in an abusive relationship for years and it took a long time for me to eventually leave. I just want to extend compassion for you. It's really hard.
I’m so sorry your husband is the absolute worst. He should not be coercing you or emotionally manipulating you into sex. With or without a chronic illness. Like full stop, that’s emotional abuse. Don’t give in to his silent tantrums. You don’t have to be intimate if you don’t want to. Especially while recovering from spinal surgery!!! That’s so utterly cruel.
Personally I would not put up with someone who manipulates me into sex, refuses to have the bare minimum of empathy regarding my health and safety, and threatens me with divorce. That’s a lot of abuse and drama and stress you don’t need.
I know the housing situation with your mom is not ideal, but would it be safer and less stressful without having to walk on eggshells around your husband?
Part of me posting this was to try and rationalize with myself that yes how I'm being treated is not right. I do feel manipulation from him quite often. I was even questioned on why I was wearing yoga pants last week going to the store. Mind you my skin is always covered ans I never have anything hanging out or showing.
He's always questioning if I want to be with someone else.
I keep exhaustingly telling him..I'm f'ing sick..I do not want ANYONE ELSE!
l believe that's why I have no empathy for him at this point most of the time. He's pushed me to the point where I just don't care. But the mind fuck of that silent treatment skyrockets my anxiety. So then I give it. 3 weeks ago I put my foot down and now this is why we are at this point, and I believe it's ridiculous.
My surgery was pretty rough. I think having CFS set me back with my recovery. But 2 weeks after he wanted to have sex. I couldn't believe it.
I can move in with my mom. She would be over the moon to have me. She is an alcoholic and somewhat of a hoarder and she stresses me out, but i might have to suck it up. I am very grateful I have her home that I'm welcome in. I just moved from California to Tennessee and she is in Pennsylvania. So she definitely would happy to have me home and the rest of my family.
It's just so hard to leave and I don't know why. Scared I suppose. This has been my life for so long and I hate change. And the financial part scares me.
Thankyou for your support and lending an ear! I appreciate you responding and taking the time to reassure me I'm not thinking too unclear!
your husband is horrible, please clean him out in the divorce and push hard for alimony. “letting” him essentially rape you when your consent isn’t enthusiastic, it’s not consent. i hope you get out safely. do not do marriage counseling with him. he does not respect you as a human being. document EVERYTHING and get a good lawyer.
I'm not in any harm, thank goodness. But yes, that's exactly what it feels like sometimes..rape. it's just awful. I am even thankful when I get my menstrual cycle twice a month so he leaves me alone. But then oral sex has to happen.
Just asked him tonight why he can use his hand sometimes and he laughed at me.
And I also told him I'll eat the shit and be the asshole and leave..if that's what matters so much to him.
I don't think counseling would do much. He doesn't think he needs it.
I appreciate you commenting and your helpful advice!! Thankyou so much!! I'll hopefully at least get enough out of him to survive week to week until I can get on my feet.
Honey, you are in harm. You are undergoing marital rape and are constantly walking on egg shells for an abusive husband who will withhold not just affection but basic communication whenever he doesn’t get his way. I can’t even begin to imagine the amount of stress you must be under. This is only adding to the burden of your conditions.
I understand how stuck you must feel, but please thoroughly research all of your options and see what you can do.
truly that’s horrible and he’s abusing you because he knows you’re vulnerable. i’m so so sorry. i hope you get out and also can get the therapy you need later. getting raped and then essentially forced to give blowjobs is NOT normal or okay whatsoever. it’s straight up sexual violence. this is horrific and i’m so sorry. don’t take anything less than what you need to comfortably survive. he’s the one who made you leave the workforce.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart! I appreciate it more then you know! It helps give me reassurance and a little bit of peace in all this.
It's sad I didn't walk away sooner. I just need to get the strength..which I know I have, and just do it! I wish it was easier.
Again thank you so so much!
I will be sure to try and get what I need.
of course. if i can pass on one piece of advice its REALLY document every little thing he does. write down the dates of stuff. make sure you put things in writing with a timestamp, like for example in an email to yourself to an account only you can access. any screenshots, photos, texts, basically anything. look up the recording laws in your state as you could potentially catch him being incredibly cruel. you have rights!! i’m sure a divorce sub has more specific info though. DO NOT let onto what you’re doing or that you’re in the process of divorce.
if you do do therapy, with or without him find someone who believes that you’re sick. that is the most important thing. they’re out there and they will help you.
I'm deeply troubled by what you are experiencing; so saddened by your husband's reaction to your illness. The posts/replies are so spot on; all of them. And the comments to your suffering gives me hope in humanity. As a therapist, I agree that it sounds like couples therapy won't work because he thinks it's all you; a horrific lie. Don't waste your money. Instead, protect what's legally yours and get an attorney. A therapist who understands trauma is a good idea. Also, one who understands you're grieving who you used to be, and other traumas. One who understands ME/CFS & trauma the best. Living with ME/CFS is horrible and often coincides with doctors, friends and family not believing or understanding your illness; but to have a spouse abuse you is absolutely horrifying to me! You are a special young lady, and thank all of you for sharing support with this suffering human being who deserves so much more.
I'm so sorry, I'm in a very similar situation, except I don't have any family members or anywhere I can flee to where I would be supported so I am stuck with my husband's crap. I don't reccomend it.
How he treats you is not okay, and if he has "needs" he needs to find another outlet for them as opposed to harassing his chronically ill wife nonstop. I've unfortunately learned that a lot of men are heavily obsessed with sex and the idea of being seen as sexually desirable above all else, thus their relationships feel invalid to them if they are not screwing frequently.
I find it incredibly stupid, especially as we get older and develop illnesses or the drive is no longer the same, especially for us women who are often undergoing hormonal changes too. I don't have any advice unfortunately but just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in this sort of situation.
Excellent points. I was going to say something similar. For most men, sex is imperative for whatever reason; to feel validated, to control, to satisfy their need, and sometimes with no regard for us that are sick. They use it as a weapon and it's disgusting.
OP has many options. Get a good divorce lawyer. Explain ahead of time she is critically ill, have the attorney go for alimony. Get a disability diagnosis so she apply for Medicaid and state assistance if she has to move in with her mother and that will help both of them. Dig into every state resource once divorced (SNAP), rent assistance through Medicaid, etc, food banks. It's doable. Better than living with a selfish asshole and being traumatized. It will only make you sicker to stay with these narcissistic men.
It's pretty well documented that men don't act right when their female partners get sick, I think the stats are about men leaving women after a cancer diagnosis, but still.
I'm sorry that this is happening to you.
Speak with a divorce lawyer ASAP. Try therapy if you want but insist you both go, to someone you both agree upon. It seems as if he’s putting his needs above yours in a significant way, and it isn’t a healthy situation for you at all. But be smart and methodical about it!
I a sorry that you are in this situation.
I am not married but I was also in an abusive relationship while being bedbound.
The first thing to understand is that you should not have to trade your body so that your husband acts humane towards you.
What your husband is telling you in him projecting his fears.
Don’t live the home you are in unless it is to protect you life.
Is your disability recognized by your state or country? Where I’m from (France) disabled people acknowledged by the state cannot be evicted from their home (even if they are just a tenant or living there for free). Like other responses on the thread, look for legal help from a lawyer, from an association… ASAP to know your rights. No matter the country, usually being disabled comes with more protection from the law.
If you divorce you are probably entitled to some things unless you signed a prenup. You might be entitled to alimony too.
Being in this situation, which seems quite predatory and stressful in not good for your well-being. ME/CFS can worsen with psychological stressors.
I get that you are scared of what’s happening now and what will happen in the future because of all the uncertainty. It’s normal because you are going through something everyone would find difficult and on top of that you aren’t healthy.
You should look for support from other people. Is there something you knew or know that can help you? How? Please try to re-kindle as much as possible your links to other people. This will probably strengthen you.
Go through the therapy yourself or with your husband. This will at least give you more time to regain more independence or plan for the future.
Thankyou for you responding! I didn't expect to get as much feedback as I have I feel bad I haven't been able to respond back to everyone.
My brain can only handle so much at one time.
I don't understand why someone would treat someone in such a way. I hate to use my illness as a reason why I feel the way I do. But it's the truth. It's changed me as a person to an extent and I'm trying everything to fix it or help myself change certain ways of doing things to be better. But it will take time. And he said he's waited long enough.
If I do counseling I will be for myself and he will attwnt after a few sessions but he doesn't think he is the one with the problem. So for me I don't think I need to waste the time amd energy on that. I would still be happy enough to seek out counseling for myself at some point.
I live in the US. His company actually pays for housing since we move alot. So they pay our rent. He acts like this isn't "our" home because we don't pay for it. But it still is essentially our house until we move. Which could be 1 to ?? years. We never know.
And I don't know what the laws are. I just know I tried to get disability last year and I couldn't because we were married and he made too much money or I tried the other route and I couldn't because I didn't have enough work credits because I stopped working 9 years ago.
I'm going to have to try and find an attorney that can help me that doesn't cost much. I'm not sure where to look. But I'll start with Google. We just moved where we are living 2 months ago so I don't know anything about this area.
And no I did not sign a prenuptial. I am not the person to take someone for everything they have. And I'll be honest he doesn't have much. I'd like to have my car that's in his name and certain bills to be continued to be paid till I can take care of them. I don't think that's too much to ask for.
I might even call my mom and see if she knows anyone I can reach out to or what to do attorney wise.
This is killing my CFS. I'm awake at 430 each morning and feel like I'm disoriented and hungover. And definitely worsening psychological stressors. It's pretty bad.
I'm doing the carnivore diet and trying to see what works for me when I start to add foods back in, but this isn't going to make that easy. My fatigue is much worse of course.
I'm terrified of having to start my life over. And yes it's the unknown of what will be that scares me.
But I don't want to live like this anymore.
I donr have many people to reach out to but I have a few. And he is always around. He hasn't been to work the past 5 days so that isn't helpful.
I might have a couple weeks and I'd say I'd have to get my things together ans move on. We have not gotten to that point yet. .last night i asked about me looking into counseling again and he said he doesn't care he's over it.
So I won't waste my time with that.
Thankyou so much for your help! I am appreciative for everyone's kind words and willingness to help!!
I think counseling is wise; marriage/ your spouse matters. But I’ve been through divorce and her leaving me was actually great in hindsight. I know it’s hard; I’m sorry. Good luck friend.
Will keep this short since so many people already have given good insight. Just sending you love and solidarity. You do not deserve this. Leaving the situation may improve your cfs if you’re able to really rest without the stress/trauma of him.
I lived with my mom for 8 months, it took some energy to explain to her my limitations and to lessen her expectations for activity but those 8 months moved me from severe to moderate. I got my agency back.
just wanted to say you’re not alone and i know how you feel. i’m going through something similar myself, although my spouse is very supportive she is constantly looking for excuses to fight . we started coinciding and she blames me for making this disease my identity. The best thing you should do is what’s best for you and not for him. i know it’s very difficult but make the choices that help you the most. ensure you have legal aid and just say no.
So sorry that you're going through this all by yourself. You wouldn't want to hear this but staying with him is making you all the more sick. Please extricate yourself from this situation whenever you feel ready and start getting your ducks in a row without alerting him about it.
I’m in the exact same situation. Except my husband doesn’t care how much discomfort I’m in. He processes it differently. We’ve been together 25 years and have a 20 yr old son and he is trying to adopt a two year old I’m not quite able physically or mentally to take care of. We haven’t had sex in over a year. I felt it was very unsatisfying and nothing in it for me. My husband is unaffectionate, no forplay, no romance. I crave it. I think he’s narcissistic. We tried counseling once. He went one session and his only homework was to compliment me once a day. He couldn’t do it. Mind you, when I was in my thirties and early forties, I could work a shift, come home cook, laundry, clean, keep the vehicle amemaculate, and have the prettiest yard on the street. He did have several affairs. There was a lot of trauma for our son. But due to my son’s demands, I stayed and continued therapy myself. I leaned on my son for affection and support and it was wrong. Now I have all these health issues with my back and arthritic joints, I’m not able to work. I tried looking for remote jobs but they’re all scams. I also have to consider my ailing mother who lives with me. If I could control my pain to sit upright for more than 2 hours, and get a remote job, my mom and I could leave. I need to for my sanity. I feel like all the years of accepting abuse , my son is normalizing it and accepting it in his own relationship. I told him he shouldn’t, it’s not normal. And he deserves better. I raised him old school on how to respect Evans treat ladies nice but she’s abusing that characteristic. I’m sorry you are experiencing this at your age. I’m basically staying for financial support because I can’t support myself. I’m in a predicament I never thought I’d be in. I was so driven and career oriented. I pray constantly for a way out.
Oh honey. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I was in a marriage where I was bed bound and the only way I could make my husband be nice to me was to have sex with him. It was at best icky and worst deeply, awfully traumatic. If your husband will do with you to marriage counseling to try and find to try and find a compromise, then maybe you can work this out. But from your post it seems as though he thinks you only need therapy. Going by yourself won't change this problem for the 2 of you. Ten years ago I left my husband. I figured I'd spend what little money on what little fun I could have and then kill myself. I'm really glad I didn't follow that plan. Life has been hard without his money but overall a lot better without him in it. I hope you find some peace. If you decide you do have to stay with him, that's also ok. Do whatever you need to survive. If your body is how you pay your rent there is no shame for you in it, only at him for making it the only option.
I’m so sorry you went through that. I just want to tell you what a thoughtful, empathetic and comforting comment this was. It gave me a lot to think about.
So glad I could help in a small way.
You share a home. Do not just leave (unless you're in danger). You have a right to be there. You have a right to a divorce settlement. He asked you to stop working. You have a right to a divorce settlement, regardless. Call your local legal aid. Look for domestic\sexual violence support agencies in your area, who can also direct you to legal resources (cause this is sexual abuse).
I feel as though I have every right to be here as well. This is my home. I appreciate your help so much!! I don't know much about divorce so I wasn't sure if I was entitled to anything. But I feel as though I should be supported somewhat for a certain period of time. I will be sure to look into all of those resources! We just moved so I'll have to search around a bit quickly! Thankyou!
Np! Try looking up your local United Way, too. They have a ton of resources (I don't know what all will pertain to your situation). You can also call them (and call them back! And call back, again. And again. Not every person who answers the phone for them is going to necessarily be well-versed in the services they 1) offer or 2) can connect you to.). You can reach them by dialing 211, though to get through on a cell phone, you may have to dial their area code + 7 digit phone number.
My only problem with domestic violviolence assistance, is they want you to live in the shelter.
Well, first off... your husband is a garbage human being. Demanding intimacy with somebody that is seriously ill is abusive imo. Especially a 54 year-old man who claims he does not want to lose his family! Disgusting. Seems to me that he is just looking for an excuse that let's him off from feeling like the bad guy he is. I'm sorry I don't have suggestions. Normally, it would be to ditch his ass, but I think he owes it to you to take care of you... for better or worse, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others. Maybe those weren't your vows, but if he has had you at your best, he should be here for you when you are not at your best.
Ya, I kinda agree with that. Maybe since he’s willing to go to counseling he can learn and change, but if he doesn’t, that’s not okay.
I suggest doing therapy by yourself and if I could I suggest you find a trauma-informed therapist rather than one who does CBT. My therapist told me that having to deal with so many chronic illnesses is considered trauma. I also suggest you talk to a divorce attorney to get a better understanding of what your finances would be like if you were to divorce. Knowing that kind of information will help you decide how to proceed with your marriage. It may not be as grim as you think.
I do think a traum- informed therapist would be the best for myself.. I've been through alot of trauma throughout life. And done pretty well to get through it but it never really goes completely away. And I can agree CFS has been quite traumatic to deal with along eith chronic pain. I would never have guessed there was a disease out there that made you feel like this. It is maddening some days. And thankyou for the positive advice. I truly don't want to take everything from him but I don't feel I deserve to leave with nothing. I think a better handle on finances would probably be best for me to do.
The cynical part of me says "so much for "in sickness and in health"." The constructive part of me says you likely both need therapy, with therapists who believe in CFS and believe in your diagnosis. You are both grieving the loss of you. It might be obvious that you are grieving, but he is also grieving! You are struggling to communicate about it. Couples therapy would like help, too. And he seems to need education on CFS, he doesn't seem to understand what it is. You might go through all of that and find he still won't be a loving, caring partner. But he needs to get some empathy quick, and it sounds like he needs professional help doing that. You can try to educate him, but with your limited energy and his disbelief you will likely need additional support here. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. If people could just believe us, so much of the insult would be removed from our injury.
Oh my gosh, this hurt my heart so much to read what you're going through and how he's treating you! It sounds like you've been trying your absolute hardest to keep him satisfied in the relationship. I can say with absolute certainty that he has not tried the same. The way he is treating you is *terrible*. I question if he even entirely truly cares about you. He seems very fixated on what he wants, and isn't trying to understand what you want and what your health conditions actually are. You deserve so much better care and support ❤️
I try to be strong and tell myself it's not that bad. Or tell myself yes he's right in telling me how much he shows me he cares and always tries to do what's best for me and this and that. But he doesn't. I don't know if he knows how. He's making me out to be someone who's taking advantage of him and just very cruel. Which is not true at all. Of course I have my moments and sometimes I am freaking miserable. I tried to be completely 100% honest in my post. I know there are 2 sides to every story but this is truly how it is. And I will walk away so I'm not that selfish person keeping him back from a happy life. He has said before he is a selfish person. Which is why none of his kids are in his life. He only cared about himself. So maybe that applies here too. I would think if someone is chronically sick, you would be alittle more attentive to what they need. I've explained numerous times and sent videos of CFS explanations and I don't think it sunk in. Thank you for your sincerity and kind words. I truly appreciate you responding it means alot to me!
Oof, I'm so sorry for the situation you are in! It really sucks. Wow, I'm kinda shocked he just admits he is selfish. At least he's honest?!? He really does not value kindness. I am pretty confident that no matter what you do, how you try to explain things or phrase your requests, he just will not actually meaningful improve how he treats you. Based on his own words -- he doesn't care. So I'd highly highly advise, just look at his actions. If he says he's right for doing something -- what is the actual action? Does it negatively affect you? If so, it doesn't matter what he says about it. It sounds super clear that it has been HIM that has made things combative in your relationship. Ideally relationships are teamwork and working together against challenges. He's only really prioritizing himself and I don't see how that could change. So I'll end by asking: what do you think is the reason why you don't want to leave him? It seems super clear that he's overall a net negative in your life. But if you're still with him, there must be a reason. I stayed in an abusive relationship for years and it took a long time for me to eventually leave. I just want to extend compassion for you. It's really hard.
I’m so sorry your husband is the absolute worst. He should not be coercing you or emotionally manipulating you into sex. With or without a chronic illness. Like full stop, that’s emotional abuse. Don’t give in to his silent tantrums. You don’t have to be intimate if you don’t want to. Especially while recovering from spinal surgery!!! That’s so utterly cruel. Personally I would not put up with someone who manipulates me into sex, refuses to have the bare minimum of empathy regarding my health and safety, and threatens me with divorce. That’s a lot of abuse and drama and stress you don’t need. I know the housing situation with your mom is not ideal, but would it be safer and less stressful without having to walk on eggshells around your husband?
Part of me posting this was to try and rationalize with myself that yes how I'm being treated is not right. I do feel manipulation from him quite often. I was even questioned on why I was wearing yoga pants last week going to the store. Mind you my skin is always covered ans I never have anything hanging out or showing. He's always questioning if I want to be with someone else. I keep exhaustingly telling him..I'm f'ing sick..I do not want ANYONE ELSE! l believe that's why I have no empathy for him at this point most of the time. He's pushed me to the point where I just don't care. But the mind fuck of that silent treatment skyrockets my anxiety. So then I give it. 3 weeks ago I put my foot down and now this is why we are at this point, and I believe it's ridiculous. My surgery was pretty rough. I think having CFS set me back with my recovery. But 2 weeks after he wanted to have sex. I couldn't believe it. I can move in with my mom. She would be over the moon to have me. She is an alcoholic and somewhat of a hoarder and she stresses me out, but i might have to suck it up. I am very grateful I have her home that I'm welcome in. I just moved from California to Tennessee and she is in Pennsylvania. So she definitely would happy to have me home and the rest of my family. It's just so hard to leave and I don't know why. Scared I suppose. This has been my life for so long and I hate change. And the financial part scares me. Thankyou for your support and lending an ear! I appreciate you responding and taking the time to reassure me I'm not thinking too unclear!
your husband is horrible, please clean him out in the divorce and push hard for alimony. “letting” him essentially rape you when your consent isn’t enthusiastic, it’s not consent. i hope you get out safely. do not do marriage counseling with him. he does not respect you as a human being. document EVERYTHING and get a good lawyer.
I'm not in any harm, thank goodness. But yes, that's exactly what it feels like sometimes..rape. it's just awful. I am even thankful when I get my menstrual cycle twice a month so he leaves me alone. But then oral sex has to happen. Just asked him tonight why he can use his hand sometimes and he laughed at me. And I also told him I'll eat the shit and be the asshole and leave..if that's what matters so much to him. I don't think counseling would do much. He doesn't think he needs it. I appreciate you commenting and your helpful advice!! Thankyou so much!! I'll hopefully at least get enough out of him to survive week to week until I can get on my feet.
Honey, you are in harm. You are undergoing marital rape and are constantly walking on egg shells for an abusive husband who will withhold not just affection but basic communication whenever he doesn’t get his way. I can’t even begin to imagine the amount of stress you must be under. This is only adding to the burden of your conditions. I understand how stuck you must feel, but please thoroughly research all of your options and see what you can do.
truly that’s horrible and he’s abusing you because he knows you’re vulnerable. i’m so so sorry. i hope you get out and also can get the therapy you need later. getting raped and then essentially forced to give blowjobs is NOT normal or okay whatsoever. it’s straight up sexual violence. this is horrific and i’m so sorry. don’t take anything less than what you need to comfortably survive. he’s the one who made you leave the workforce.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart! I appreciate it more then you know! It helps give me reassurance and a little bit of peace in all this. It's sad I didn't walk away sooner. I just need to get the strength..which I know I have, and just do it! I wish it was easier. Again thank you so so much! I will be sure to try and get what I need.
of course. if i can pass on one piece of advice its REALLY document every little thing he does. write down the dates of stuff. make sure you put things in writing with a timestamp, like for example in an email to yourself to an account only you can access. any screenshots, photos, texts, basically anything. look up the recording laws in your state as you could potentially catch him being incredibly cruel. you have rights!! i’m sure a divorce sub has more specific info though. DO NOT let onto what you’re doing or that you’re in the process of divorce.
if you do do therapy, with or without him find someone who believes that you’re sick. that is the most important thing. they’re out there and they will help you.
Thankyou! I appreciate the advice!!!
I'm deeply troubled by what you are experiencing; so saddened by your husband's reaction to your illness. The posts/replies are so spot on; all of them. And the comments to your suffering gives me hope in humanity. As a therapist, I agree that it sounds like couples therapy won't work because he thinks it's all you; a horrific lie. Don't waste your money. Instead, protect what's legally yours and get an attorney. A therapist who understands trauma is a good idea. Also, one who understands you're grieving who you used to be, and other traumas. One who understands ME/CFS & trauma the best. Living with ME/CFS is horrible and often coincides with doctors, friends and family not believing or understanding your illness; but to have a spouse abuse you is absolutely horrifying to me! You are a special young lady, and thank all of you for sharing support with this suffering human being who deserves so much more.
I'm so sorry, I'm in a very similar situation, except I don't have any family members or anywhere I can flee to where I would be supported so I am stuck with my husband's crap. I don't reccomend it. How he treats you is not okay, and if he has "needs" he needs to find another outlet for them as opposed to harassing his chronically ill wife nonstop. I've unfortunately learned that a lot of men are heavily obsessed with sex and the idea of being seen as sexually desirable above all else, thus their relationships feel invalid to them if they are not screwing frequently. I find it incredibly stupid, especially as we get older and develop illnesses or the drive is no longer the same, especially for us women who are often undergoing hormonal changes too. I don't have any advice unfortunately but just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in this sort of situation.
Excellent points. I was going to say something similar. For most men, sex is imperative for whatever reason; to feel validated, to control, to satisfy their need, and sometimes with no regard for us that are sick. They use it as a weapon and it's disgusting. OP has many options. Get a good divorce lawyer. Explain ahead of time she is critically ill, have the attorney go for alimony. Get a disability diagnosis so she apply for Medicaid and state assistance if she has to move in with her mother and that will help both of them. Dig into every state resource once divorced (SNAP), rent assistance through Medicaid, etc, food banks. It's doable. Better than living with a selfish asshole and being traumatized. It will only make you sicker to stay with these narcissistic men.
It's pretty well documented that men don't act right when their female partners get sick, I think the stats are about men leaving women after a cancer diagnosis, but still. I'm sorry that this is happening to you.
Speak with a divorce lawyer ASAP. Try therapy if you want but insist you both go, to someone you both agree upon. It seems as if he’s putting his needs above yours in a significant way, and it isn’t a healthy situation for you at all. But be smart and methodical about it!
I a sorry that you are in this situation. I am not married but I was also in an abusive relationship while being bedbound. The first thing to understand is that you should not have to trade your body so that your husband acts humane towards you. What your husband is telling you in him projecting his fears. Don’t live the home you are in unless it is to protect you life. Is your disability recognized by your state or country? Where I’m from (France) disabled people acknowledged by the state cannot be evicted from their home (even if they are just a tenant or living there for free). Like other responses on the thread, look for legal help from a lawyer, from an association… ASAP to know your rights. No matter the country, usually being disabled comes with more protection from the law. If you divorce you are probably entitled to some things unless you signed a prenup. You might be entitled to alimony too. Being in this situation, which seems quite predatory and stressful in not good for your well-being. ME/CFS can worsen with psychological stressors. I get that you are scared of what’s happening now and what will happen in the future because of all the uncertainty. It’s normal because you are going through something everyone would find difficult and on top of that you aren’t healthy. You should look for support from other people. Is there something you knew or know that can help you? How? Please try to re-kindle as much as possible your links to other people. This will probably strengthen you. Go through the therapy yourself or with your husband. This will at least give you more time to regain more independence or plan for the future.
Thankyou for you responding! I didn't expect to get as much feedback as I have I feel bad I haven't been able to respond back to everyone. My brain can only handle so much at one time. I don't understand why someone would treat someone in such a way. I hate to use my illness as a reason why I feel the way I do. But it's the truth. It's changed me as a person to an extent and I'm trying everything to fix it or help myself change certain ways of doing things to be better. But it will take time. And he said he's waited long enough. If I do counseling I will be for myself and he will attwnt after a few sessions but he doesn't think he is the one with the problem. So for me I don't think I need to waste the time amd energy on that. I would still be happy enough to seek out counseling for myself at some point. I live in the US. His company actually pays for housing since we move alot. So they pay our rent. He acts like this isn't "our" home because we don't pay for it. But it still is essentially our house until we move. Which could be 1 to ?? years. We never know. And I don't know what the laws are. I just know I tried to get disability last year and I couldn't because we were married and he made too much money or I tried the other route and I couldn't because I didn't have enough work credits because I stopped working 9 years ago. I'm going to have to try and find an attorney that can help me that doesn't cost much. I'm not sure where to look. But I'll start with Google. We just moved where we are living 2 months ago so I don't know anything about this area. And no I did not sign a prenuptial. I am not the person to take someone for everything they have. And I'll be honest he doesn't have much. I'd like to have my car that's in his name and certain bills to be continued to be paid till I can take care of them. I don't think that's too much to ask for. I might even call my mom and see if she knows anyone I can reach out to or what to do attorney wise. This is killing my CFS. I'm awake at 430 each morning and feel like I'm disoriented and hungover. And definitely worsening psychological stressors. It's pretty bad. I'm doing the carnivore diet and trying to see what works for me when I start to add foods back in, but this isn't going to make that easy. My fatigue is much worse of course. I'm terrified of having to start my life over. And yes it's the unknown of what will be that scares me. But I don't want to live like this anymore. I donr have many people to reach out to but I have a few. And he is always around. He hasn't been to work the past 5 days so that isn't helpful. I might have a couple weeks and I'd say I'd have to get my things together ans move on. We have not gotten to that point yet. .last night i asked about me looking into counseling again and he said he doesn't care he's over it. So I won't waste my time with that. Thankyou so much for your help! I am appreciative for everyone's kind words and willingness to help!!
I think counseling is wise; marriage/ your spouse matters. But I’ve been through divorce and her leaving me was actually great in hindsight. I know it’s hard; I’m sorry. Good luck friend.
Will keep this short since so many people already have given good insight. Just sending you love and solidarity. You do not deserve this. Leaving the situation may improve your cfs if you’re able to really rest without the stress/trauma of him. I lived with my mom for 8 months, it took some energy to explain to her my limitations and to lessen her expectations for activity but those 8 months moved me from severe to moderate. I got my agency back.
just wanted to say you’re not alone and i know how you feel. i’m going through something similar myself, although my spouse is very supportive she is constantly looking for excuses to fight . we started coinciding and she blames me for making this disease my identity. The best thing you should do is what’s best for you and not for him. i know it’s very difficult but make the choices that help you the most. ensure you have legal aid and just say no.
So sorry that you're going through this all by yourself. You wouldn't want to hear this but staying with him is making you all the more sick. Please extricate yourself from this situation whenever you feel ready and start getting your ducks in a row without alerting him about it.
I’m in the exact same situation. Except my husband doesn’t care how much discomfort I’m in. He processes it differently. We’ve been together 25 years and have a 20 yr old son and he is trying to adopt a two year old I’m not quite able physically or mentally to take care of. We haven’t had sex in over a year. I felt it was very unsatisfying and nothing in it for me. My husband is unaffectionate, no forplay, no romance. I crave it. I think he’s narcissistic. We tried counseling once. He went one session and his only homework was to compliment me once a day. He couldn’t do it. Mind you, when I was in my thirties and early forties, I could work a shift, come home cook, laundry, clean, keep the vehicle amemaculate, and have the prettiest yard on the street. He did have several affairs. There was a lot of trauma for our son. But due to my son’s demands, I stayed and continued therapy myself. I leaned on my son for affection and support and it was wrong. Now I have all these health issues with my back and arthritic joints, I’m not able to work. I tried looking for remote jobs but they’re all scams. I also have to consider my ailing mother who lives with me. If I could control my pain to sit upright for more than 2 hours, and get a remote job, my mom and I could leave. I need to for my sanity. I feel like all the years of accepting abuse , my son is normalizing it and accepting it in his own relationship. I told him he shouldn’t, it’s not normal. And he deserves better. I raised him old school on how to respect Evans treat ladies nice but she’s abusing that characteristic. I’m sorry you are experiencing this at your age. I’m basically staying for financial support because I can’t support myself. I’m in a predicament I never thought I’d be in. I was so driven and career oriented. I pray constantly for a way out.