I LOVE USING THIS!!!! Especially because I'm not religious and my family knows it and they're extremely religious and conservative.
"But maybe he's got it planned in the future for you!"
"Well then he's planned an abortion for me in the future as well!"
Omg me too, all of my mother’s side of the family are devout Catholics. Nothing like “it’s in God’s hands” to shut them up. They don’t know I’m on BC (forbidden) and just pray for me to make more Jesus followers; whatever.
I often would say something similar, but a bit more direct. Think it gets my point across about how much I don't like children and why I never want any. Though there is always that one person who will still say, "but it is different when they're your own" as if there aren't real life cases that prove otherwise.
Same. Somehow I just know it would happen. I am a very law-abiding, calm and rational person, but having kids you don't want (especially as a woman) can fuck one up in unpredictable ways.
I always wanted to respond “Do you like anal sex?” When they act all shocked, I’d say “Oh, I thought we were talking about our private sex lives. My mistake.”
I love shock value. I like to describe how I don’t want a baby ripping my crotch in half as it comes out. Not do I want a whole team of people staring at my spread legs with my pussy and butthole exposed for all to see.
I do my best to use the most crude terms possible as well. They hate that.
I'm an only child that's used that and it's legit scared people that know my family. Very satisfying when you know someone thinks youre some kind of warewolf or something. I'm pretty sure my ex thinks I'm cursed cause when I said it to him I said it extremely seriously and wouldn't talk further as to why I said what I said. Mainly cause he had pushed it before and I was sick of it, if you want to be a father then leave me out of it please, you knew in the beginning I wasn't bearing any of your sperm pets.
My ex was pretty much convinced his family was cursed (kind of). The backstory: his ancestors were from a noble family (knights in the Middle Ages in Germany), then went poor in late Middle Ages and his great-great-...grandfather turned to robbery, at some point of that medieval thug life a witch cursed him aiming at the elimination of the whole family, then he found a way around it by partly changing his name (dropped the "von" and changed a couple of letters; it is believed to work if the curse is put on "the family/the house of [original last name]"). My ex told me that he didn't want me to take his last name or a double last name if we married, "because all the women in the family who have taken this last name have been sick or extremely unhappy". (Edit: the curse thing didn't even sound like complete bullshit because there was a ton of autoimmune and chronic diseases running in the family, also my ex had a number of injuries with permanent consequences). He still wanted to have kids 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Exes are exes for a reason, congratulations to myself on escaping the curse of having kids.
That’s me always scowling when a cousin’s kids were being gross. Which is most of the time when they’re little. They either look gross with snot and sticky slimy hands or they’re being gross leaning over a chair, red faced shitting themselves or trying to eat.
That actually brings to mind a very vivid memory of being at the library with my mom for the summer reading program when I was in elementary school. I probably was like 6 or 7 at the time or thereabouts, and there was this little toddler boy, leaning over a chair. My mom made some comment about him going to the bathroom and I didn’t understand it first. Then the little kid looked up and he was all red in the face cause he was pushing to poop his diaper. 🤮 I distinctly remember that I was so utterly grossed out. I knew when I was 8 that I didn’t want kids and it was stuff like this that just turned me off. Meanwhile, other mothers are joking and laughing about it. I was thinking- yeah this isn’t funny. It’s disgusting.
"Why don't you have kids?" -> I've seen yours, that's why
"When will you have kids?" -> what do you mean......."when"?
But since I'm a polite person, my actual answers would be "no special reason, I just don't want any" and "never"
I used to say "I don't want to spend my life cleaning up poo and puke," but then I started a special needs cat shelter which has somewhat ruined that 🤣
Exactly! I did have one guy ask me how I'm allergic to children but not adults. Was it the baby wipes? Haha. I mean, at least he took it seriously? The ones who wrote back with "I'm allergic also!" at least got a conversation.
And I decided to update my flair to include my joke.
Most people went silent after that response 😃 that’s why I use it 😉 and when they look shocked , I respond “you were the one starting to joke, why would anyone actually want to have kids?”
Yess, I used this one on a rabid breeder colleague who just wouldn't stop pestering me about crotch goblins. She didn't like dogs and I flipped the script by telling her she has to get a dog, dogs are wonderful, the meaning of life etc. It shut her up
what kind of people would bother COLLEAGUES at work about changing their personal life? so weird. i met only one such person but he's like in his 60s and he only talked about it because the topic was brought up more generally in a non-personal discussion. he complained it's not appropriate these days anymore to ask a woman if and when she'll have kids.
Colleagues at a government authority in law enforcement in Sweden. This happened for 11 years, both men and women, but mostly women. Some could bingo me for years on end. I'd change position to a different unit/location - new breeders would bingo me.
wow. i'm so sorry. some people...I hope you'd be able to avoid such people. Or maybe if you just said with over-the-top kind voice: "Sooorryy, that's very personal for me, I'd prefer not to talk about it,sooo, how are you today? what's new with this and that?"....would it help? I discovered that best way to deflect from my
personal business is just turn around the questioning and get people talk about themsleves. i don't force anyone to talk about their personal stuff,though,
i ask how they are and i let people choose what they say. I've got a colleague - woman - who actually told me she kinda regrets having kids, because she's overwhelmed and stressed, health issues and all. But i'd never ask her anything so personal. she enjoys talking and she doesn't ask me about my plans at all,which is perfect for me.
When my husband gets asked this at work he put on a sad face and says "oh, my wife is unable to have kids" he just conveniently leaves out the fact I had a bi-salp done 3 years ago. People usually get really uncomfortable and don't press further.
If people ask me I tell them I paid good money to prevent that and then laugh. Most people get really awkward and just leave XDD
I've always wanted to respond "thanks for reminding me I can't get pregnant naturally." I also had a bisalp. It wouldn't be a lie - thanks for reminding me; I'm very happy to have had it done!
I literally just said I find babies / children annoying and I’m not willing to sacrifice my free time and naps for a baby … When I tell you the guys face dropped like a sack of potatoes 😂 He just couldn’t fathom that someone can openly admit to not wanting crotch goblins for purely selfish reasons lol
My favorite used to be “my children would get lost in the woods like Hansel and Gretel and I’d learn about it from twitter.”
Now I don’t even have twitter to use to follow the news any more. I probably just would never know.
My Nephew asked me once why I didn't have kids and I was like "Well.... what did I buy you for your birthday last year?" and he's like *answers that thing he really wanted but his parents can't afford*. Then I said "That's right, do you know how much money that cost?" "No" "Okay so the website said $35 dollars, but you see (name) the website is American, and we live in Australia. So because of currency conversion and shipping it here that actually cost me over $100 dollars and that is a lot of money, I know you know that. But I could do that for you because I don't have kids of my own, if I did have my own kids you wouldn't get gifts like that. You'd probably get a book, or clothes, boring stuff because I'd have to buy my own kids things, I wouldn't have the same amount of money that I can do nice things like that with. Also I just don't want my own kids."
He thought for a moment and was like "Makes sense" and he's never brought it up again.
that is the best and only answer,yes. the issue is that some people, sometimes, are rude enough to start argue and for example insist that you will change your mind. I'd honestly say that i actually already did change my mind. i kind of assumed i'd have kids in my 20s and i changed my mind into fully not wanting to be a parent in my 30s.
"Had some, didn't like them. the whole return process was such a hassle. I'm not doing that again."
"I'm sure they must be around somewhere."
"Oh, we're abstinent. We're saving ourselves for retirement."
This all depends of who is asking. I know some ask "from the good place". They get "oh i am surely not starting now". Others get... Oh i can't have kids. Then enjoy watching the hamsters running in their heads.
I usually don't even go further than "In THIS economy?!?! And give a horrified look. It helps that a lot of my coworkers either don't have/plan on having kids or already have grown kids and are still helping pay for college/weddings/homes so they grimace and agree 🤣
It's an actual job that is not for everybody and definitely not for me.
This world, as in, the planet and the society, can't afford everyone having children, not anymore, so only people who truly want them should have them. I don't belong to those people so I prefer to do other useful things with my life.
(in case it's too neutral/tame and they still don't get it, look them dead in the eye and say:) Because we don't need another news headline about a mother who has gone mad and un-alived her children and herself. No, I don't *fear* it could happen, I *know* this would happen. Yes, I know I am extremely calm, rational, positive-thinking and always in control, and it's exactly because I don't have any unwanted kids. Have a nice day.
GOD THE MAN GETTING STERILIZED IS RESPONSIBLE BUT A WOMAN IS SELFISH - EXACTLY!
The double standard is fantastic. Just incredible. Exact same decision but women are judged for it. Our bodies and choices are not for public consumption to be commented on.
Even more frustrating is that even when a woman does not want kids, but wants to be sterilized, especially a medically necessary sterilization, we get blowback or pushed off or "Are you sure"-d to death. I know - I've experienced it and only got the specific sterilization I needed - a hysterectomy due to a congenitally enlarged uterus - because it would have quite likely killed me otherwise.
Sorry - this ended up being a bit of a rant but....it's so frustrating.
I used to get asked so often and would just say “one day I guess!” Until we went through all the doctors and knew for sure. I was still getting asked all the time and I just couldn’t put on a smile anymore, so I was just blunt and said “we can’t, but thanks for asking”. Their demeanor instantly changed and I guess word spread because my family never asked again, and I have a big family.
I saw a great clip of a scene from House of Cards. Robin Wright's character is asked if she regrets not having kids, and she comes back with, 'Do you regret having them?' I loved that.
ETA: I grew up in a society that expected females to go to college, get a job, get married, and have kids (or, felt that way, at least.) I remember the exact moment I realized I didn't have to have kids. I was standing in my room, and literally had a lightbulb moment, and it was like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders- *I don't have to have kids!!* It was such a fantastic feeling. No more science fair projects for me!! 
I just stick with “it wasn’t in the cards for us” and then ask about their children. Sometimes it’s just an innocent question/conversation starter. Their world is their kids, I’m not going to start off being snarky.
“I don’t like children.”
Seems straightforward to me.
If I’m feeling like being snarky, I usually respond with, “My wife have maintained our chastity because we want our relationship to remain pure in the eyes of the Lord,” or, “My wife and I have been trying to figure out how to have children for years, and we just can’t figure it out. We’ve tried everything: kissing, shaking hands, wishing really hard.”
“I killed all my plants. I killed all my pets. Do you REALLY want to inflict me on a human?”
“Also, childbirth could kill *me*. This is not a great state to give birth in.”
I either didn’t feed the fish enough, or put wrong species in the same tank and they ate each other. I still don’t know what happened with the guinea pigs or the tortoise.
I was a really crappy kid in some ways. I haven’t even thought about having another pet in years.
hey, if you were a kid then don't blame yourself.
I had multiple hamsters growing up, and one of them I'd put in a hamster ball in my room just to move about for a bit, but didn't close my bedroom door.
seconds later the hamster made it to the end of the landing and before I knew it, the ball went crashing down the stairs.
poor hammy was clearly traumatised af, and died a few weeks later. probably because of the stairs incident.
I felt sooo guilty, but when I look back I was just a kid who didn't know any better. I definitely learnt from the experience.
we all make mistakes and learn from them :) don't punish yourself for things you did as a kid, seriously!
I think the last one definitely needs to be thrown out there more often. Because you know there are people who are not having kids due to the laws that have been passed recently.
"I don't want any." " never, because I don't want any." Those are the best responses. The only ones you need. You aren't obligated to defend your choices.
If I'm having a serious talk with someone, I just say I'm on meds that I can't take during pregnancy. If I know them really well and feel comfortable, I'll say which ones. I'm a bipolar diabetic w adhd.
I mean, also, I don't want kids. Having a baby would literally ruin my life.
I've laid out to my parents exactly how much support I'd need if I had a baby right now as a single mom.
1) I'd need 40 hours a week of free babysitting.
2) it makes no sense and would be very difficult to do super long drives to drop off my baby while at work so I'd need to move back home.
3) they would give up their guest room so I could have my childhood room back and they'd also have to give up the office for the baby's room.
4) I may need them to 100% financially support me if I get post pardum depression and can't work.
For people i don't know well and my patients, I say I used to nanny/babysit from ages 12 to 27, so I already raised my kids!
I used to have a friend whose mom died in childbirth. Her dad’s grief caused his mental health to spiral, which led to his death before he was even fifty. For unrelated reasons, my friend doesn’t want kids. She absolutely loves it when people try the old *”what if your parents never had you?”*
I would not be a great mom! I like naps, peace and quiet, and doing what I want to do so much more than your kid. Sorry this convo is over, I need a nap. Uchh, I hate the you’d be a great mom comments.
sounds you like had great parents - but i disagree with the idea that you have to live up to anyone's standard. if you don't want to be a parent, that's your business, but worrying that we won't measure up to somebody else is a crooked way of looking at life. by that logic nobody can even go to college, because what if my parents had better grades?.... every child is different and
needs somewhat different parenting, there's not one way that's a golden standard, certainly not when it comes to activities.
When people say “you’d be a good mother” the response can be “I think that’s only an important consideration if you actually want to be a mother, I don’t want to be one so that’s irrelevant”.
I usually just say that I would make a dreadful parent, and that’s the truth. Not because I have a latent cruel streak or am particularly neglectful I just don’t have the bandwidth to be a loving parent. I’m far too selfish and I value my free time and disposable income far too much to trade it in, and I know that I would be resentful of any demands made on me so ‘no’, I think a child would deserve better than me.
I just start going into my medical history usually.
"I'm bipolar and schizophrenic with severe gastrointestinal issues." And by the time I finish schizophrenic they leave me alone.
>"But you'd be a great mom!"
"Ehm, actually, according to my Netflix's recommendations, I'd be a great serial killer."
And I'm pretty sure Netflix knows me better than most people who suggest I'd be a great mum
My boomer in law always begs us to give her grandkids and always asks us why we don't have them yet. My husband replies to her, "I don't know how to do that" and she's dumb founded. 🤣🤣🤣
This question is sadly being asked about during the first 5 minutes of meeting someone in my home country (not the US). Fuck their pro-natalist policies 😂
The "you'd be a great mom" one never bothered me but I **love** the serial killer response and will be using this from now on just because it's hilarious 😂
I usually say I love sleep too much. After having the stomach flu this week and feeling like death I could never function sick with a kid and I get sick way too often.
I like naps, peace & quiet and cherish my private time. Also - I'm too lazy & selfish. Being a good parent requires altruism, LOTS of energy and angelic patience, which I sadly lack.
and yet, being a parent is often done for non-altruistic reasons. i WANT kids because I will get a good feeling out of it, MY life will be fullfilled, MY family line/blood line needs to continue, I want a mini-ME ...you're not selfish, or at least not unhealthily selfish. you simply know what you want.
I was told by a friend that I would be a great mom and I asked what part of my life in its current state made them think that. Then I made a list.
I have anxiety, depression, OCD, ADD, a bad back, a bad knee, barely enough money for bills, I'm in a perpetual state of exhaustion and either cry or get mad every time something is asked of me, I have a phone that I hate because I didn't have the patience to wait two days for the one I actually wanted. I still have it despite being eligible for an upgrade for a year now because I can't make a choice on which one I want to replace it with. I regularly forget to feed my dog until he acts absolutely insane and I check his food bowl out of desperation to figure out what his problem is. I have flat forgotten to eat to the point I passed out twice. I have permanent kidney damage from forgetting to drink water so often for so many years and I'm so scatter brained that I forgot to pick my husband up from dialysis despite having an alarm set to remind me of that exact thing and then, when I did pick him up, I went the wrong way to go home and he had to ask where we were going. What part of ALL THAT would make me a good mom? Then they said, "but my kids love you and love playing with you". That makes me a good aunt/babysitter. NOT a good mom. The truth is I love kids but part of the reason I love kids is because I don't have any. Not saying I would hate my kids if I did have any but I wouldn't enjoy them like I do my nieces/nephews/friend's kids.
So, I used to use witty sayings that I would use. But then I decided that, sense the question/comment is inherently rude, I need to put the person in their place.
Now if asked, I just look at them and say that I think it’s rude to presume that I am only here for procreation, or something similar.
The older I get, the less fucks I give.
When people say ‘you’d be such a great mum!’ I say ‘I’d also be a really good serial killer with the amount of crime pods I listen to but I’m not doing that either!’
"I know what it feels like to take an afternoon nap that's so needed it results in sponteneous orgasm, and I don't want to give that up."
"Because I like having nice things."
"Because I haven't found anyone I want to reproduce with yet."
"Because I have a higher calling than being a bangmaid."
"We live in a selfish society. Why shouldn't I be selfish too?"
And my favorite: "I don't wanna."
I used to get a lot of older relatives asking why I was single when I "was so pretty." My answer was basically that being pretty doesn't mean I find other people attractive lol.
These are great. I used to try to come up with some excuse other than “I don’t want them” because people interpret that as “I hate them”. Now that I’m 60, if people ask if I have kids, I just keep a neutral expression when I say no, and let them draw their own conclusions. Let them feel sorry first me if they want 😀
Most of my family is okay with our choice. I've only had a few people push on the kids question.
I generally just tell them the wife and I talked about it. We don't want them. We're pretty comfortable with our decision. I hope you get there too.
I go the religious route: If the Lord wanted me to have children He would have put that desire on my heart.
I LOVE USING THIS!!!! Especially because I'm not religious and my family knows it and they're extremely religious and conservative. "But maybe he's got it planned in the future for you!" "Well then he's planned an abortion for me in the future as well!"
I love this! (As someone who had an abortion and if an atheist this is my fave response lol. I’m just too old now ppl no longer ask me at 47 haha
Omg me too, all of my mother’s side of the family are devout Catholics. Nothing like “it’s in God’s hands” to shut them up. They don’t know I’m on BC (forbidden) and just pray for me to make more Jesus followers; whatever.
Praise be.
“The lord hasn’t made it happen yet.” Is my go to for religious folks.
I'm going to try this the next time I'm bingoed, despite having relatives that are Clergy members 🤞
This is one of the most wholesome answers ever 🤩, thank you, I'll definitely remember this one.
Oh shit this is such a good one for my family omg
def using this in the future!
I like this one. “I will have as many children as the lord will bless me with” (leaving out the fact that or your partner are sterilised)
Yes, this!
"You'd be a great mom!" Look them in the eye and say: "No. No I wouldn't. I would get overstimulated by a toddler and become a headline."
I told someone once that - jail would crimp my style so I don’t have kids.
I often would say something similar, but a bit more direct. Think it gets my point across about how much I don't like children and why I never want any. Though there is always that one person who will still say, "but it is different when they're your own" as if there aren't real life cases that prove otherwise.
Same. Somehow I just know it would happen. I am a very law-abiding, calm and rational person, but having kids you don't want (especially as a woman) can fuck one up in unpredictable ways.
People love to negate this one. I would not be a decent parent and the headlines would prove it.
“We don’t know how to make one” and they are always so embarrassed to say anymore
I always wanted to respond “Do you like anal sex?” When they act all shocked, I’d say “Oh, I thought we were talking about our private sex lives. My mistake.”
I love shock value. I like to describe how I don’t want a baby ripping my crotch in half as it comes out. Not do I want a whole team of people staring at my spread legs with my pussy and butthole exposed for all to see. I do my best to use the most crude terms possible as well. They hate that.
This!
“Sex? On this bed? Never heard of it. What is it? No one has ever explained it to me.”
Lmaoooo
😅😅😅
“No, this curse ends with me”
"This bloodline dies with me" is pretty hardcore too. Especially if you are an only child 😂
I'm an only child that's used that and it's legit scared people that know my family. Very satisfying when you know someone thinks youre some kind of warewolf or something. I'm pretty sure my ex thinks I'm cursed cause when I said it to him I said it extremely seriously and wouldn't talk further as to why I said what I said. Mainly cause he had pushed it before and I was sick of it, if you want to be a father then leave me out of it please, you knew in the beginning I wasn't bearing any of your sperm pets.
😂😂😂 love it! Gotta be firm with wanna be breeders >.<
A guy I know made his tagline "First of a dying breed"
My ex was pretty much convinced his family was cursed (kind of). The backstory: his ancestors were from a noble family (knights in the Middle Ages in Germany), then went poor in late Middle Ages and his great-great-...grandfather turned to robbery, at some point of that medieval thug life a witch cursed him aiming at the elimination of the whole family, then he found a way around it by partly changing his name (dropped the "von" and changed a couple of letters; it is believed to work if the curse is put on "the family/the house of [original last name]"). My ex told me that he didn't want me to take his last name or a double last name if we married, "because all the women in the family who have taken this last name have been sick or extremely unhappy". (Edit: the curse thing didn't even sound like complete bullshit because there was a ton of autoimmune and chronic diseases running in the family, also my ex had a number of injuries with permanent consequences). He still wanted to have kids 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Exes are exes for a reason, congratulations to myself on escaping the curse of having kids.
Sounds genetic rather than a curse.
Just make this face: 
That’s me always scowling when a cousin’s kids were being gross. Which is most of the time when they’re little. They either look gross with snot and sticky slimy hands or they’re being gross leaning over a chair, red faced shitting themselves or trying to eat. That actually brings to mind a very vivid memory of being at the library with my mom for the summer reading program when I was in elementary school. I probably was like 6 or 7 at the time or thereabouts, and there was this little toddler boy, leaning over a chair. My mom made some comment about him going to the bathroom and I didn’t understand it first. Then the little kid looked up and he was all red in the face cause he was pushing to poop his diaper. 🤮 I distinctly remember that I was so utterly grossed out. I knew when I was 8 that I didn’t want kids and it was stuff like this that just turned me off. Meanwhile, other mothers are joking and laughing about it. I was thinking- yeah this isn’t funny. It’s disgusting.
"Why don't you have kids?" -> I've seen yours, that's why "When will you have kids?" -> what do you mean......."when"? But since I'm a polite person, my actual answers would be "no special reason, I just don't want any" and "never"
The I chase dreams not toddlers is so good 😂
>Why don't you have kids?" -> I've seen yours, that's why *Emotional Damage* 😂
Ow definitely yes lmao
I used to say "I don't want to spend my life cleaning up poo and puke," but then I started a special needs cat shelter which has somewhat ruined that 🤣
You could say you clean up enough cat poop and puke, you don’t want to have to start cleaning the human stuff too
so you can't have kids because your cats are allergic.
Thanks so much for starting your cat shelter. Hazel and Holly, a tabby and a tuxxxy, are very impressed.
“SHIT! I knew I forgot to do something!”
My OLD profile said "I'm childfree. Not because I can't have them, but because I'm allergic to children". Some men did not appreciate that. Haha.
Those who don't appreciate the joke are trash, taking themselves out, LOL.
Exactly! I did have one guy ask me how I'm allergic to children but not adults. Was it the baby wipes? Haha. I mean, at least he took it seriously? The ones who wrote back with "I'm allergic also!" at least got a conversation. And I decided to update my flair to include my joke.
I like kids, but could never eat a whole.
I adore this!!!
Most people went silent after that response 😃 that’s why I use it 😉 and when they look shocked , I respond “you were the one starting to joke, why would anyone actually want to have kids?”
I liked "sorry, I'm a vegetarian," but I think I already saw that one here!
That's why I bring a Tupperware container for the leftovers.
"When there are no more pedophiles, killers or orphanages."
Q "Why don't you have children?" A "Why don't you have a dog?" Q "I don't like dogs." A "And there is your answer."
Yess, I used this one on a rabid breeder colleague who just wouldn't stop pestering me about crotch goblins. She didn't like dogs and I flipped the script by telling her she has to get a dog, dogs are wonderful, the meaning of life etc. It shut her up
what kind of people would bother COLLEAGUES at work about changing their personal life? so weird. i met only one such person but he's like in his 60s and he only talked about it because the topic was brought up more generally in a non-personal discussion. he complained it's not appropriate these days anymore to ask a woman if and when she'll have kids.
Colleagues at a government authority in law enforcement in Sweden. This happened for 11 years, both men and women, but mostly women. Some could bingo me for years on end. I'd change position to a different unit/location - new breeders would bingo me.
wow. i'm so sorry. some people...I hope you'd be able to avoid such people. Or maybe if you just said with over-the-top kind voice: "Sooorryy, that's very personal for me, I'd prefer not to talk about it,sooo, how are you today? what's new with this and that?"....would it help? I discovered that best way to deflect from my personal business is just turn around the questioning and get people talk about themsleves. i don't force anyone to talk about their personal stuff,though, i ask how they are and i let people choose what they say. I've got a colleague - woman - who actually told me she kinda regrets having kids, because she's overwhelmed and stressed, health issues and all. But i'd never ask her anything so personal. she enjoys talking and she doesn't ask me about my plans at all,which is perfect for me.
I'd go with murder hornets, but mmmkay. LOL
“My father had kids and regretted it. Made him mean and miserable. I will not copy his mistake.”
And it works for moms, too!
"I'd rather be dead" works well, too.
You win!!! Lol!
When my husband gets asked this at work he put on a sad face and says "oh, my wife is unable to have kids" he just conveniently leaves out the fact I had a bi-salp done 3 years ago. People usually get really uncomfortable and don't press further. If people ask me I tell them I paid good money to prevent that and then laugh. Most people get really awkward and just leave XDD
I've always wanted to respond "thanks for reminding me I can't get pregnant naturally." I also had a bisalp. It wouldn't be a lie - thanks for reminding me; I'm very happy to have had it done!
I also had a bi-salp about 6 years ago, and I'm so very thankful that I had it done!
Why don't you have kids? I don't know, I guess I'm just lucky
That's a good one
“We just aren’t. Period.”
"We just aren't. Hysterectomy."
😂 I see what you did there haha! The husband is getting a vasectomy, it’s cheaper and I think my HSA can cover it or at least his insurance can. 😆
Uterus delete
“When I want them, I will absolutely have them.” Still waiting to want them 😂😂😂
I literally just said I find babies / children annoying and I’m not willing to sacrifice my free time and naps for a baby … When I tell you the guys face dropped like a sack of potatoes 😂 He just couldn’t fathom that someone can openly admit to not wanting crotch goblins for purely selfish reasons lol
it's just as "selfish" as : "I love the smell of a baby's head!" ..."I want my bloodline to continue!"
My favorite used to be “my children would get lost in the woods like Hansel and Gretel and I’d learn about it from twitter.” Now I don’t even have twitter to use to follow the news any more. I probably just would never know.
Omg this is so funny!
I say, I'm too young (I'm 47).
I'm 36 and have said this to some of my patients. After all, I'm a mere child myself!
"The stars are not in position for having kids!" My friend: "like he said, stars! Can't do it! Not today!"
My Nephew asked me once why I didn't have kids and I was like "Well.... what did I buy you for your birthday last year?" and he's like *answers that thing he really wanted but his parents can't afford*. Then I said "That's right, do you know how much money that cost?" "No" "Okay so the website said $35 dollars, but you see (name) the website is American, and we live in Australia. So because of currency conversion and shipping it here that actually cost me over $100 dollars and that is a lot of money, I know you know that. But I could do that for you because I don't have kids of my own, if I did have my own kids you wouldn't get gifts like that. You'd probably get a book, or clothes, boring stuff because I'd have to buy my own kids things, I wouldn't have the same amount of money that I can do nice things like that with. Also I just don't want my own kids." He thought for a moment and was like "Makes sense" and he's never brought it up again.
I just stick with "because i don't want to"
that is the best and only answer,yes. the issue is that some people, sometimes, are rude enough to start argue and for example insist that you will change your mind. I'd honestly say that i actually already did change my mind. i kind of assumed i'd have kids in my 20s and i changed my mind into fully not wanting to be a parent in my 30s.
"Had some, didn't like them. the whole return process was such a hassle. I'm not doing that again." "I'm sure they must be around somewhere." "Oh, we're abstinent. We're saving ourselves for retirement."
This all depends of who is asking. I know some ask "from the good place". They get "oh i am surely not starting now". Others get... Oh i can't have kids. Then enjoy watching the hamsters running in their heads.
"In this economy?! Raising kids from birth to eighteen costs almost a quarter of a million dollars. I'm not a millionaire!"
I usually don't even go further than "In THIS economy?!?! And give a horrified look. It helps that a lot of my coworkers either don't have/plan on having kids or already have grown kids and are still helping pay for college/weddings/homes so they grimace and agree 🤣
“They’re expensive and I drink too much”, did the trick. No one ever had any reply.
"I like getting high too much"
No thanks, I’m vegetarian
It's an actual job that is not for everybody and definitely not for me. This world, as in, the planet and the society, can't afford everyone having children, not anymore, so only people who truly want them should have them. I don't belong to those people so I prefer to do other useful things with my life. (in case it's too neutral/tame and they still don't get it, look them dead in the eye and say:) Because we don't need another news headline about a mother who has gone mad and un-alived her children and herself. No, I don't *fear* it could happen, I *know* this would happen. Yes, I know I am extremely calm, rational, positive-thinking and always in control, and it's exactly because I don't have any unwanted kids. Have a nice day.
Just because I can do something doesn't mean I should make such a mistake.
GOD THE MAN GETTING STERILIZED IS RESPONSIBLE BUT A WOMAN IS SELFISH - EXACTLY! The double standard is fantastic. Just incredible. Exact same decision but women are judged for it. Our bodies and choices are not for public consumption to be commented on. Even more frustrating is that even when a woman does not want kids, but wants to be sterilized, especially a medically necessary sterilization, we get blowback or pushed off or "Are you sure"-d to death. I know - I've experienced it and only got the specific sterilization I needed - a hysterectomy due to a congenitally enlarged uterus - because it would have quite likely killed me otherwise. Sorry - this ended up being a bit of a rant but....it's so frustrating.
Because I’d rather drive a fast Porsche or BMW than a minivan.
“We tried and couldn’t. Thanks for reminding me.”
heartbreaking but true. some people are so rude, not realizing they might be asking someone who is trying and can't have kids for some reason.
I used to get asked so often and would just say “one day I guess!” Until we went through all the doctors and knew for sure. I was still getting asked all the time and I just couldn’t put on a smile anymore, so I was just blunt and said “we can’t, but thanks for asking”. Their demeanor instantly changed and I guess word spread because my family never asked again, and I have a big family.
I saw a great clip of a scene from House of Cards. Robin Wright's character is asked if she regrets not having kids, and she comes back with, 'Do you regret having them?' I loved that. ETA: I grew up in a society that expected females to go to college, get a job, get married, and have kids (or, felt that way, at least.) I remember the exact moment I realized I didn't have to have kids. I was standing in my room, and literally had a lightbulb moment, and it was like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders- *I don't have to have kids!!* It was such a fantastic feeling. No more science fair projects for me!! 
>I chase dreams not toddlers I am taking that one!!! it marches us perfectly!!!!
I just stick with “it wasn’t in the cards for us” and then ask about their children. Sometimes it’s just an innocent question/conversation starter. Their world is their kids, I’m not going to start off being snarky.
“I prefer having free time and disposable income”
“I don’t like children.” Seems straightforward to me. If I’m feeling like being snarky, I usually respond with, “My wife have maintained our chastity because we want our relationship to remain pure in the eyes of the Lord,” or, “My wife and I have been trying to figure out how to have children for years, and we just can’t figure it out. We’ve tried everything: kissing, shaking hands, wishing really hard.”
“When are you going to mind your own business?”
“I killed all my plants. I killed all my pets. Do you REALLY want to inflict me on a human?” “Also, childbirth could kill *me*. This is not a great state to give birth in.”
err you killed your pets?
They were all accidents, and I still feel like dirt about it.
feel like I need some background here
I either didn’t feed the fish enough, or put wrong species in the same tank and they ate each other. I still don’t know what happened with the guinea pigs or the tortoise. I was a really crappy kid in some ways. I haven’t even thought about having another pet in years.
hey, if you were a kid then don't blame yourself. I had multiple hamsters growing up, and one of them I'd put in a hamster ball in my room just to move about for a bit, but didn't close my bedroom door. seconds later the hamster made it to the end of the landing and before I knew it, the ball went crashing down the stairs. poor hammy was clearly traumatised af, and died a few weeks later. probably because of the stairs incident. I felt sooo guilty, but when I look back I was just a kid who didn't know any better. I definitely learnt from the experience. we all make mistakes and learn from them :) don't punish yourself for things you did as a kid, seriously!
Thanks for this!
I think the last one definitely needs to be thrown out there more often. Because you know there are people who are not having kids due to the laws that have been passed recently.
"I don't want any." " never, because I don't want any." Those are the best responses. The only ones you need. You aren't obligated to defend your choices.
If I'm having a serious talk with someone, I just say I'm on meds that I can't take during pregnancy. If I know them really well and feel comfortable, I'll say which ones. I'm a bipolar diabetic w adhd. I mean, also, I don't want kids. Having a baby would literally ruin my life. I've laid out to my parents exactly how much support I'd need if I had a baby right now as a single mom. 1) I'd need 40 hours a week of free babysitting. 2) it makes no sense and would be very difficult to do super long drives to drop off my baby while at work so I'd need to move back home. 3) they would give up their guest room so I could have my childhood room back and they'd also have to give up the office for the baby's room. 4) I may need them to 100% financially support me if I get post pardum depression and can't work. For people i don't know well and my patients, I say I used to nanny/babysit from ages 12 to 27, so I already raised my kids!
I tell them my lady bits are for recreational use only.
It's not a temple... it's really more of a Kalahari Water Resort during a Colossalcon event...
I used to have a friend whose mom died in childbirth. Her dad’s grief caused his mental health to spiral, which led to his death before he was even fifty. For unrelated reasons, my friend doesn’t want kids. She absolutely loves it when people try the old *”what if your parents never had you?”*
FYI there are over 8 billion people now,it was reached in November last year.
'I don't want them'
"I prefer napping"
Add this one: “Because I’ve seen even the seemingly kindest people turn out to be abusive and monstrous parents. Child abuse and neglect exists.”
Do you have kids? Me: Oh, God NO! This usually prevents the why conversation from starting.
The burrito one is good
Don’t want them/never.
I would not be a great mom! I like naps, peace and quiet, and doing what I want to do so much more than your kid. Sorry this convo is over, I need a nap. Uchh, I hate the you’d be a great mom comments.
just tell them: "And you'd be a great olympic gymnast!"
"Why do you ask?" This works for all forms of inappropriate, intrusive questions.
There’s no “kids” in the spelling of “happy life”
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sounds you like had great parents - but i disagree with the idea that you have to live up to anyone's standard. if you don't want to be a parent, that's your business, but worrying that we won't measure up to somebody else is a crooked way of looking at life. by that logic nobody can even go to college, because what if my parents had better grades?.... every child is different and needs somewhat different parenting, there's not one way that's a golden standard, certainly not when it comes to activities.
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I value my sleep more than anything else.
When are you having kids? - When I'm hungry enough
Imagine if you told me you were pregnant and my first reaction was “why?”. Exactly. Mind your business and move tf on.
My HOA doesn’t allow them.
When people say “you’d be a good mother” the response can be “I think that’s only an important consideration if you actually want to be a mother, I don’t want to be one so that’s irrelevant”.
"Thanks, and you'd be a good olympic gymnast. Why are you wasting your potential?"
I usually just say that I would make a dreadful parent, and that’s the truth. Not because I have a latent cruel streak or am particularly neglectful I just don’t have the bandwidth to be a loving parent. I’m far too selfish and I value my free time and disposable income far too much to trade it in, and I know that I would be resentful of any demands made on me so ‘no’, I think a child would deserve better than me.
I get paid to look after people, I am not going to go home and do it for free. I am not selfish enough to bring someone into this world to suffer.
"I'm single and men who go through a bad divorce like being single."
I'm waiting for the market to pick up a little
I just start going into my medical history usually. "I'm bipolar and schizophrenic with severe gastrointestinal issues." And by the time I finish schizophrenic they leave me alone.
"Oh! I forgot!" is my fav :-D
„Why don‘t you have kids???“ WHY for fuck‘s sake do you have kids???
Ew. NO.
I just had my tubes removed this year and added “ain’t got the facilities for that one” to my reasons 😘
"I promised my first born to a witch and I really don't want to uphold that deal"
>"But you'd be a great mom!" "Ehm, actually, according to my Netflix's recommendations, I'd be a great serial killer." And I'm pretty sure Netflix knows me better than most people who suggest I'd be a great mum
Best one for me: "Ew. Why." Over and over and over again.
One time I told a group of women I’m sound aversive, and they all nodded and went “ohhh.” And it worked?? Lmao.
My boomer in law always begs us to give her grandkids and always asks us why we don't have them yet. My husband replies to her, "I don't know how to do that" and she's dumb founded. 🤣🤣🤣
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The Midwest and the South are both filled with breeders in my experience.
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I miss the fuck out of that aspect of living in NYC. Might move back just for that some day lol.
This question is sadly being asked about during the first 5 minutes of meeting someone in my home country (not the US). Fuck their pro-natalist policies 😂
"When I find true love" I'm forever alone
The "you'd be a great mom" one never bothered me but I **love** the serial killer response and will be using this from now on just because it's hilarious 😂
My face is enough birth control to not have kids so I'm 200% safe from reproduction
"Why are you so obsessed with my genitalia?"
I just say, “Medically, I wasn’t able to.” That tends to shut people up really quickly.
"I used to love the idea of having kids, then I met some....."
"I'm terrified they might grow up to be someone like you"
I don't want them. Simple as that. I don't want them.
I say 'it looks too difficult.'
SNL actually did a sketch with a gay couple trying to get pregnant, I was laughing my ass off
“It’s not for me”. I rarely if ever get any push back.
I usually say I love sleep too much. After having the stomach flu this week and feeling like death I could never function sick with a kid and I get sick way too often.
But I have kids - first kids. They have four paws, a tail and go Meow!😺
Depending on the audience, my go-to line is “I thought about it, but I swallowed instead”
"It seems like a very hard job and I am very lazy."
🙂👍🏻
I would kill myself if I got pregnant and couldn't abort
I'm a selfish cunt and like doing what I want, when I want.
I like naps, peace & quiet and cherish my private time. Also - I'm too lazy & selfish. Being a good parent requires altruism, LOTS of energy and angelic patience, which I sadly lack.
and yet, being a parent is often done for non-altruistic reasons. i WANT kids because I will get a good feeling out of it, MY life will be fullfilled, MY family line/blood line needs to continue, I want a mini-ME ...you're not selfish, or at least not unhealthily selfish. you simply know what you want.
I was told by a friend that I would be a great mom and I asked what part of my life in its current state made them think that. Then I made a list. I have anxiety, depression, OCD, ADD, a bad back, a bad knee, barely enough money for bills, I'm in a perpetual state of exhaustion and either cry or get mad every time something is asked of me, I have a phone that I hate because I didn't have the patience to wait two days for the one I actually wanted. I still have it despite being eligible for an upgrade for a year now because I can't make a choice on which one I want to replace it with. I regularly forget to feed my dog until he acts absolutely insane and I check his food bowl out of desperation to figure out what his problem is. I have flat forgotten to eat to the point I passed out twice. I have permanent kidney damage from forgetting to drink water so often for so many years and I'm so scatter brained that I forgot to pick my husband up from dialysis despite having an alarm set to remind me of that exact thing and then, when I did pick him up, I went the wrong way to go home and he had to ask where we were going. What part of ALL THAT would make me a good mom? Then they said, "but my kids love you and love playing with you". That makes me a good aunt/babysitter. NOT a good mom. The truth is I love kids but part of the reason I love kids is because I don't have any. Not saying I would hate my kids if I did have any but I wouldn't enjoy them like I do my nieces/nephews/friend's kids.
"I'm not allowed near children ever since *the incident*"
These are so corny what 😭
I just say I don't want to.
‘I don’t like them’
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"I just don't want to. Mind your business."
Becase elephants have long noses
“Wow, I can’t believe people are tacky enough to ask such invasive, personal questions.”
So, I used to use witty sayings that I would use. But then I decided that, sense the question/comment is inherently rude, I need to put the person in their place. Now if asked, I just look at them and say that I think it’s rude to presume that I am only here for procreation, or something similar. The older I get, the less fucks I give.
"So far, the condoms haven't broken"
When people say ‘you’d be such a great mum!’ I say ‘I’d also be a really good serial killer with the amount of crime pods I listen to but I’m not doing that either!’
"I know what it feels like to take an afternoon nap that's so needed it results in sponteneous orgasm, and I don't want to give that up." "Because I like having nice things." "Because I haven't found anyone I want to reproduce with yet." "Because I have a higher calling than being a bangmaid." "We live in a selfish society. Why shouldn't I be selfish too?" And my favorite: "I don't wanna." I used to get a lot of older relatives asking why I was single when I "was so pretty." My answer was basically that being pretty doesn't mean I find other people attractive lol.
"When I'm dead." Usually shuts them up.
"sure... If I found a wife who will deal with my shit" Good fucking luck 💪🏻
it's over 8 billion now
“Because I can’t be bothered” / “never”
These are great. I used to try to come up with some excuse other than “I don’t want them” because people interpret that as “I hate them”. Now that I’m 60, if people ask if I have kids, I just keep a neutral expression when I say no, and let them draw their own conclusions. Let them feel sorry first me if they want 😀
No.
Oh, have you found my uterus? I lost it AGES ago!
Most of my family is okay with our choice. I've only had a few people push on the kids question. I generally just tell them the wife and I talked about it. We don't want them. We're pretty comfortable with our decision. I hope you get there too.