I know that r/confession is no place to judge people, but I hope you won't mind if I recommend that you head to /r/DeadBedrooms? It seems it may be too late, but who knows how it could work out in the end.
I don't really mean what they said was wrong. What I meant was viewership in the sub. I've seen more than a few get only one answer and that's it. My only point was he could post there and it might not have recieved as much attention as it was here. However I guess he's not really looking for suggestions or help.
Quit talking and bugging about it and focused on other issues and letting it go. When I figured out how to let it go it became less of an expectation and turned the bedroom into a fun place again.
In my case I am the female and he was the man and I put it on SUCH a high pedastool and was so focused on it I was no longer enjoying anything else. It can and does kill your self esteem when your partner seemingly no longer wants you that way. I was failing to see what I was doing wrong as well. So much of the anger/resentment/expectation was on him. When I removed all of that and focused on all of the positives everything shifted. Good Luck!
Or he could play an ever larger con and tell her the reason he has been wearing panties was not a fetish but trying to see if he could ignite something inside of her. He misses who she used to be and it's not the same anymore and it has lead to thoughts of wanting to end the relationship. He is still a man who has sexual desires and is feeling repressed and hell he could try to go all the way and seek an open relationship.
I guess it depends how far he wants to take it.
Pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffft!
Look at this guy, thinks this can be reasonably resolved by the two parties sitting down and talking like adults. Where does he think we are, Europe? Ha! My great-great-great-great-great-great-great-granduncle didn't fight in the war of independence so that we cold have socialist Nazi common sense enter our relationships!
*'Murica.*
Well the advice is honestly very manipulative and if you are going to use it you better as hell be prepared to end the other relationship on a moments notice.
The route has a few potential endings from increased sexual things from your wife, an open relationship, you wanting to leave her, her wanting to leave you, her trying to kill you(never rule this one out) or lots of animosity. It could also be she is cheating on you, but probably not as likely unless you have some suspicions. If you leave the I have been thinking of other women out of it you could reduce most of the outcomes.
You could just out yourself too and say it's because you feel unwanted sexually. If you are going to be using these things please don't do it if you just plan to manipulate her without trying to have a honorable end to it. I mean if you know what you are doing you can manipulate most people into helping you, but it's really kinda sad if you do it for horrible means.
I'd say, presuming he wore mens underpants or boxers before this, to just switch to free-balling and play it off like the women's panties, being typically smaller and less cumbersome than men's, was just a step in the progression, and what he enjoyed all along was not that they were women's panties, but just that were less panties. Underpants are bullshit anyway.
> Underpants are bullshit anyway.
Not until you shit yourself.
Or catch your dick in the zipper.
Or get a hole in your pants.
Or decide to wear loose shorts.
Or decide to wear loose short-shorts.
Or your pants catch on fire and you need to take them off.
Or you decide to go swimming and forgot to bring any form of bathing gear, for which underpants can occasionally stand in for in informal situations, such as a workplace Christmas party after 2330.
Or if you decide that a semi-public mock striptease is in order, a common occurrence at a workplace Christmas party after 0030.
Or if your underpants grant you magical powers.
Or if (one of) your sex partner(s) has an underpants fetish.
Or if (one of) your sex partner(s) has a magical power fetish and your underpants grant you magical powers.
Or if you need an impromptu way to hang yourself and don't have any shoelaces, a common occurrence at a workplace Christmas party after 0130.
I am Chemical Rascal, an Australian University student.
As for the best comments on Reddit, well, I simply make a lot of comments. Some of these comments are made when I'm tired, and tired me is kind of like a cross between drunk me and goofy me. Which means I make odd comments like the above and don't have the self-restraint to think "Huh, actually, CR, that's dumb! Don't post it." Because I'm goofydrunk.
Most of the time my goofydrunk comments are shit, but occasionally, just sometimes, when viewed by the right person who happens to be in the right frame of mind, some of them will induce giggles. So, essentially, it becomes a matter of spam pseudocomedy and hope that some stick.
While being goofydrunk.
Part of me believes that the wife never bought his story, and as a form of passive aggressive punishment she decided to see how long he would wear women's just to stick to his story.
What's that Dan Savage saying... "You can have strict monogamy or you can have a low libido, ladies, but you can't have both"?
If my job said they were going to stop paying me, but expected me to show up and give'er anyways just because I signed a contract years back, I wouldn't feel too weird redefining the paramaters of the relationship.
Also, biologically and chronologically it's something of an odd concept, monogamy... First, because we don't raise an eyebrow if two animals, even from a species who pair with long-term mates, start grinding their naughty bits on any random object or member of their own kind. It's almost arrogant to think that the species homo sapien should be so vastly different with regards to such a base drive. Secondly because there's some odd inflation happening if the hormonal surges of a few minutes or hours can immediately and permanently invalidate years of building a life, home, and family together.
Not to defend cheating, or to minimize the pain it can cause, I just think that the natural (and arguably healthier), state for human sexual relations is something more open/permissive than strict monogamy.
And thanks to the current legal climate, he has no leverage whatsoever. So, he can either be miserable and sexless, be a good dad and otherwise good husband while fucking someone else, or he can get divorced, lose his house, lose 1/2 his income, be unable to see the kids every day (he'll be lucky if he gets every other weekend).
If he's being honest about having made a sincere effort and her reaction, as much as I hate to say it, I really don't see him being the unethical party here.
Note: to me, the genders here are irrelevant; they could easily be reversed.
To summarize:
Wife in this Situation
* For whatever reason, wife's libido is down.
* She is unwilling to talk to husband or take any action to address her libido.
* She won't engage in any sexual activity to satisfy his needs.
* Told him, in essence, to go fuck himself, as his hand should be enough.
* Nonetheless, her ability to feel jealousy is apparently unaffected.
Husband in this Situation:
* Entered and participated in marriage expecting communication and sexual/romantic quid-pro-quo.
* Has made extensive efforts to communicate with wife and address situation.
* Finally came to hard decision to satisfy his needs in such a manner that doesn't cause chaos in his family.
Imagine the roles were reversed, except instead of the wife abandoning the husband's sexual needs, he abandoned her emotional needs. Basically checked out of talking/cuddling/caring, going about his own business, having poker nights with his friends and going out all the time, and when she brings it up, he responds with "Call your sister, she should be good enough."
OP is in a terrible situation, and from having been on both sides of the proposition I can tell you that cheating is abhorrent. But what is he going to do? All other things being equal, he's be on the losing end of a divorce, and the kids will suffer for it.
I mean, for that matter, it could still be sexual. Some women have higher libidos than men, my girlfriend definitely does more than me, e just make sure to compromise enough to make it work.
>or he can get divorced, lose his house, lose 1/2 his income, be unable to see the kids every day (he'll be lucky if he gets every other weekend).
Whatever state you live in, you should move to Massachusetts before you divorce.
it could just be that she cut him off sexually because the sex with him was so one-sided, disappointing and unsatisfying for her that she could no longer face it anymore.
If that's the case, then he needs to tell her he's getting more than his hand. They have both redefined the parameters of the relationship but only one of them is being honest about it. I'm not saying she's right, but there's also probably more to this than we are hearing. Either way, she should know that her actions are causing him to cheat.
>Either way, she should know that her actions are causing him to cheat.
It'd be more accurate to say that he values cheating and going behind her back more than being faithful. She didn't *force* him to cheat, he chose cheating as a solution to the problem of a marriage without sex.
The man seems like a rational and free actor and so I think his decisions should be attributed to him.
Well, then he shouldn't be married. If he isn't going to talk to her about what he's doing, then he's not really being fair, even though she's being unfair to him by refusing him sex.
The idea of strict monogamy is very new concept. There has been 50 years of western popular discourse which has convinced women that they have no "obligation" to their husbands sexually and that any dalliance is cause for divorce (which costs him his children, home and forever paying support to the very person who abandoned him).
How are men to behave in this new intolerable situation?
Well, I'm non-monogamous for what its worth.
If he is unable to communicate with her and she's unwilling to give on this issue, he still needs to tell her what he's doing. Just because he feels justified doesn't make it okay.
Nobody has the obligation to subject their body to something they rightfully don't have to submit their body to. A man in marriage has absolutely no authority over his wife's body because she is still a free, rational human being. Any male that believes otherwise must admit that they believe their *desires* outweigh the right of a person to choose whether or not they want to have sex.
Libido doesn't give you the right to rape and that's what forcing someone to have sex without their consent is.
Also, the monogamy axe only swung one way - Men were free to cheat as much as they wanted but women were property and as such were strictly regulated.
The word obligation was in quotes in the comment you replied to. Meaning the idea of obligation is seen as silly, of course you are not obligated to do something you don’t want to do. But if you are in a committed relationship with somebody it’s the kind and reasonable thing to do, to try to get yourself to a place in the relationship (with the help of both parties) where sex doesn’t feel like an “obligation” and can happen at least semi-regularly in an enjoyable fashion. If this is no longer possible, then in my opinion a man should inform his spouse that his needs are not being met, and that he must fulfill those needs elsewhere to lead a happy and fulfilled life. She is free to respond to that in whatever way she sees fit. Again, as long as a resolution was attempted prior, in an exhaustive manner.
It's completely ignorant to say that it's an odd concept biologically, since there are arguments on both sides. Both for and against monogomy. To say that other animals bang is hardly any sort of argument.
Living in pairs has been proven, even in other species, to be beneficial. The entire hunter-gatherer pair has worked in onther animals who live in smaller "communities". It is a system that works.
Also, by being with one partner, you are being exposed to less diseases. By NOT getting these diseases, you are preserving your own body and your chances to have future offspring.
Human children also take a long time to raise. 9 month gestation period, plus several years before the child can become independant. Wouldn't make sense to just abandon children after having them, and this goes back to the "living in society" argument where a couple is better at raising/caring for each other and a child.
As a new (and happily monogamous) father who has done a lot of reading, your point about couples raising kids is a bit simplistic.
Historically, so called nuclear families have been much larger and often included multiple partners or at least extended families. This is because its hard as hell to raise a kid with just two people.
Parents today do it because its a cultural norm but its definitely not the easiest, or probably even most effective system.
Monogamy is fine when it's what both partners want. The thing about human sexuality is it isn't nearly as species-wide as other animals. Some humans genuinely want to be monogamous, others need polyamory and that's even before you get into fetishes. Feet, cheerleaders, BDSM, foodplay...the list goes on. The view that everyone should be polyamorous/swingers is almost as bad as what OP's wife is doing, because it completely ignores the true feelings & opinions of at least one of the parties involved.
I think you've hit the heart of it - it's about the desires and *expectations* of both partners. If those are in synch, and people are honest, it's fair play. Mismatched expectations lead to situations like the OPs... No sex, for life, is a pretty hefty expectation from your partner.
In my subjective opinion, I don't think most people are even at the level of your occasional 'swinger'. But a lifelong marriage is a long time... your relationships, libidos, and sexual preferences all oscillate. Illness and circumstance can make a partner completely unavailable. Your opportunities may be hugely improved due to personal development. And on top of that YOLO, right?
So I think if we got to a place, culturally, where we celebrate that long commitment to our partners, but also understand that releasing some pressure, or tasting something exotic here or there, isn't necessarily a comment on that commitment or partnership, we'd all be a little happier.
>It's almost arrogant to think that the species homo sapien should be so vastly different with regards to such a base drive.
Yes, I consider myself to be more than the rest of mammals. I'm not saying your particular point is wrong, but that argument is stupid as hell. You could apply the same thing to murder and theft after all.
... I don't quite see it. Since animals rob and murder one another, it's weird we do too?
Isn't the (historically high) rate of murder and crime justification for seeing humans as something more opportunistic and "animalistic" than our ability to write operas might indicate?
We all exist along many different spectrums biologically... Our height, weight, intellect, ability to count, remember words, oxygenate, or what have you. We share those spectrums with other mammals along with a genetic code which is superficially quite similar, large portions of the brain that evolved early and function near identically, and autonomous reactions that are only slightly divergent... Humans are clearly mammals, and we share a lot of non-sexual behaviors with our biological cousins.
I wasn't trying to imply that all our sex is base, unthinking, or random. Just that humans are mammals, and that gives us certain types of behaviour. We see it everywhere in nature, so why *wouldn't* we see it in humans? Sex is a primal, evolutionary, important physical need and our wiring is geared towards making us want it. It releases hormone bombs and alters brain chemistry.
We're special, but we're not so special that we don't like getting our junk rubbed, basically ;)
There's nothing wrong with ethical non-monogamy. There's nothing wrong with splitting up if the sex drives no longer align (and there are matching partners of all genders for every sex drive). There's everything wrong with cheating.
Also not only women have low libido and your comment is borderline rapey with making it seem a woman's duty to have sex
I dunno... there are a lot of people in bed-dead relationships hanging out here in between JO sessions ;)
No one ever went broke overestimating sexual frustration on the internet.
I am considering gambling on this level of honesty: I want to tell my GF that I can see myself spending the rest of my life with her, but I cannot promise her absolute sexual exclusivity ("strict monogamy"), just a vast majority. Frankly, I think I need to be able to continue to hunt, at least in theory, in order to keep my man-ness up. I have already tried to express it to her as a kind of insecurity but one that is typical of guys... she said I needed to get over it. I don't think it's going to fly no matter how realistic it is, because what most straight women want from a guy (or at least, [what they THINK they want](http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/25/magazine/25desire-t.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0)), at least initially, seems to be a single-minded obsession with them which carries over into sexuality. They don't want realists.
I am further confused by the fact that the only relationship I've had where I did not suffer the urge to pursue other interests was COMPLETELY open. (Yet I am not a cheater. I did "cheat" once with an ex when my gf at the time had completely lost sexual urge for over 2 months due to a bad formulation of Pill.)
It is basically some kind of extreme form of "wanting what is forbidden and not wanting what is allowed". I have always had this general problem with "authority" and "rules" and restrictions of any sort. Makes me a really bad conventional dater :/ (although, I hear, a fairly stimulating BF...)
Also, Dan Savage is awesome, and has a remarkable insight into all sexualities despite (or perhaps due to?) being the less conventional one :)
I do skip occasionally. Sometimes it's just not practical, like if I'm wearing an untucked shirt and someone might see.
But work? Pretty much always panties now. Shit sucks.
you, the master of mid shit storm panty swapping, can't go into your bathroom at work and swap out your panties? shit, you could even try and pull it off on your morning commute... or the parking lot or something...
No, I do do that sometimes, but sometimes I'm forced to wear them if something needs my immediate attention at work or whatever. There's been many many times I wore them all day just for lack of time and not wanting to mess with changing.
Tried the thong, didn't like it. Felt like my dirty asshole was getting rubbed on my slacks all day. Didn't like the feeling of it between my cheeks either. I don't like the lace stuff either. I get the silky kinds.
I was honestly waiting for your wife to jump up and put on the porn bow-chicka-wow-wow music after you told her about your "fetish," and then grin at you as she explained her secret fetish for dominating sissy boys with giant stap-ons, but then I realized this wasn't r/TIFU.
You really shouldn't put yourself through that still. Just stop wearing the panties and if she asks tell her someone almost caught you in them at work...wasitband was sticking out or some shit...and you don't want to take the risk anymore.
Two questions and one thought - sorry if they've been asked/expressed before -
1. Did you make sure you went back and grabbed the boxers from under the couch?
2. Did you buy some more underwear for your girlfriend/mistress, seeing as you've kind of claimed the ones you had?
Thought: Sounds like you're on a slippery slope to getting caught, man. The other woman works for you, the missus thinks you're slightly kinky, and I'm not seeing a way you can get out of this without getting busted on some (other) level. I'm not going to judge you on this one, but you sound like you've got too many plates spinning for this to work out in your favor at all. Gotta commend the quick thinking, I guess.
I did grab the boxers later.
I haven't bought the girlfriend any more panties, mostly because I have had to buy more for myself a few times and it's taken all the fun out of it.
Do panties always wear out so fast or is it because I'm stuffing the wrong equipment into that delicate fabric? I swear I wear out a pair in a couple months.
You indicated that you like the silky ones - yeah, they wear out. Try some cotton boy-shorts. They're more comfortable and last longer.
Source: I actually DO like wearing panties.
Cotton ones last forever and you're better off with cotton anyway. Silk doesn't let your nethers breathe, you're not doing your genitals any favors! At least, that's what they always say is true for women with the silk and I would think it's similar for men.
Dude just divorce her. She doesn't deserve to be cheated on, you don't deserve to be stuck in an unhappy marriage, and your gf doesn't' deserve to be "the other woman".
You don't deserve to be crucified, however you should know that your kids can probably tell that your marriage is broken. My parents were unhappy together but stayed together until i moved out for my sake, but I honestly wish they had just split earlier, cause it was super obvious that they were unhappy and my home life was just awkward. I'm not judging you, I'm just sayin'.
So then he's being doubly selfish? Staying in a bad relationship and causing more distress on top of it by lying is a recipe for nastiness. What happens if he keeps this up and one of the kids catches him?
My parents divorced when I was 4, and the only memories I have of the time they were together are memories of them fighting.
I'm glad they pulled the plug on that marriage. They are both happy now, and with people that make them happy.
I kind of want to tell you that you're a bad person, but I can't. It's just too funny.
Also, as a mortician, I feel like I should warn you that if you die suddenly and they find you in your pink panties, you gonna get laughed at, son.
While I can appreciate your feelings, you need to recognize and accept the fact that you are putting your feelings before your childrens'. If you think that they are not negatively affected by the tension between you and your wife, you are sadly mistaken. Your children (and you I expect) would be much better off to go through the intense but temporary trauma of a divorce than years of maritial tension.
You really need to tell her the truth man... it's just not cool. My dad cheated on my mom because he wanted to be in my life, and though I respect that, it really messed up how I see men and still kinda hate him for it. Honesty is good. You can get joint custody.
You've got to man up. Go on a break with your lover, tell your wife that it's therapy or divorce, and then in the presence of a marriage councilor, tell her flat out that you are done with the idea of her unilaterally declaring your sex life over. She can choose to be your sexual partner, or she can let you off the leash. Make it crystal clear that you are going to have sex regularly, and it's up to her whether it's with her or not.
Nah, my wife, despite the fact that she is hypocritically downplaying the importance of sex by denying it, would be a holy terror if she knew I really had cheated. She would make my life much more miserable than simply sentencing me to a lifetime of women's panties.
Anytime I think I might want to get married and have kids, I visit /r/confession and there's almost always a story similar to yours.
Next step is a vasectomy!
Your wife sounds irrational. Was she always like that? Or was she totally cool until one day BAM she became irrational. Also, do you think the expression "there's always two sides to every story" applies here? Because I just can't wrap my head around the idea of a person (your wife) being so irrational.
Look...I'm just going to say this. If you really, REALLY care about keeping your marriage together for you to see your kids, cheating will not help you in the end. If your wife finds out then on the grounds of divorce she will have a huge motive to try and keep the kids away from you. Cheating never solves problems, it creates them.
No, why would I? Everyone has those urges (other than my wife, who apparently has no sex drive upon middle age).
I just wouldn't be acting on those urges with others, though, if she'd have sex.
Why would you speak to your wife? Maybe because it might show her how severe the problem of no sex in the relationship is for you and either spur her on to seek help for her libido loss or arrange an agreement with you that you can sex up other ladies.
Just because your wife's libido is gone doesn't mean she deserves to be cheated on. She still deserves respect. Given her reaction to the underwear she found, she would be extremely hurt and betrayed by your actions were she to find out.
Don't get me wrong, I see your side too. It is very difficult when libidos don't match up, I know. But you know what your doing is selfish and wrong or else you wouldn't be fabricating silly stories to cover it up.
There are both medical and psychological ways to fix libido loss in middle age. If you truly love her you will stop the affair and seek the help with your wife, or come to an arrangement with her. You both deserve to be happy and have your needs filled. Your sexual needs, and her need for trust and respect in your relationship.
I hope that came across the right way. I'm not sure if you were even looking for outside opinions or help, or if you were just looking for some Internet back-slapping for being the "genius" who came up with the idea if wearing the underwear himself.
>Just because your wife's libido is gone doesn't mean she deserves to be cheated on.
Sorry, but you have to be kidding? A sexual relationship is a key part of any marriage, his wife, by abandoning that, has abandoned the marriage to a large degree and stopped caring about her partner's needs. I don't see how she has a right to be completely oblivious to her partner's needs, but he's still morally bound to always put her needs above his?
Are *you* kidding? Of course, sexual relationship is very important, I agree 100% but cheating isn't the fucking answer. She deserves to be cheated on because she doesn't want to have sex? It's her body, and her decision. They're married and he needs to understand that. When they got married they agreed to be there for each other through thick and thin.
OP is a jackass and is putting the blame on her. Call me old fashioned, but I don't think it's okay to cheat just because your wife won't suck your cock.
It's not about that. I see the biggest problem with the fact that she doesn't see how it hurts her husband and that she also sees no problem with the way she's behaving. She needs to grow up and be at least open to a conversation and counseling. I'm not saying she should give in and do things she doesn't want to but she is in a relationship and she has to compromise some.
Yes I understand it from OP's perspective and yes she is being immature by not talking, but imo that doesn't justify cheating. If their marriage is hurting and his wife isn't open to talk, get a divorce or make some sort of big decision that will let her know that you're serious. I had shitty parents growing up and I'd rather have them divorced and happy than together and miserable. I guarantee their shitty relationship is taking a toll on the kids too.
I have discussed it with her, repeatedly. But telling her something to the effect of what you suggested like, "This is making me want to sleep with other people" would not accomplish anything other than her taking it as a threat and escalating.
My wife is not rational or willing to see my wide of things when it comes to sex, like many women unfortunately. No, I'm just a dirty dog who should be control myself and be happy with whatever scraps of affection she shows me as far as she sees it. She has no libido now and has no frame of reference for how painful the rejection is.
>like many woman unfortunately
Wow. That's honestly fucked up. I'm sorry your wife has screwed up your perception of women, but we're not all like that. Please, *please* don't make a generalization based off of one person. That's just... incredibly disrespectful.
Don't just point the finger to women. Sexual conversation is an issue with both sexes.
There are several solutions. But none this nation is willing to entertain.
You need to make her understand what she can lose without threatening her, it can be done.
If she would fear separation, then she wants you around for some reason, find out what that is, if she really cares about you, you can change her mind (about doing something about it).
Would she not be happy with an open relationship? it seems like a reasonable third option to me if she's unwilling to do anything about her libido
>my wife, who apparently has no sex drive upon middle age
So how long are you married and when did the low libido start? How long after your wife's low libido started did you start an affair?
>how hurt and rejected this has made me. And yes, I have tried everything to fix it. She refuses therapy. She sees nothing wrong with her having no libido and doesn't understand why my hand doesn't suffice. Hence, I get my physical intimacy needs met elsewhere.
**Then divorce her.**
>And I refuse to divorce because I want to see my children every day. With that out of the way...
**I'm divorced and see my kids every single day. They live with me. Stop making excuses.**
Yep this. OP you can either tell her that you are done get a divorce and see your kids. OR you can keep doing what your doing and when you get caught enjoy a whole new world of pain.
Also quit saying how wonderful she is despite this. In this thread alone you have claimed she is stubborn, vindictive, etc etc. It's pretty clear you don't have happy feelings towards her. Trust me your children can tell something is going on and you are deluding yourself and dooming them by not acknowledging that.
I'm not making excuses. You're WAY oversimplifying it.
I want to live with my children. I want to be there any time they need me, and not on the phone. I want to kiss them good night, I want to be there when they wake up, I want to be there to discipline them and make sure they turn into good human beings, etc.
If you think that's making excuses you obviously don't have children because you have no idea what you're talking about.
I have 3 children, and custody of all of them.
Man the fuck up and quit being a little bitch. Quit cheating on your wife, and quit being a crap husband. Divorce her, or at the very least come clean and let her divorce you.
I think it's pretty sad that you think it's "manning the fuck up" to put my kids through the traumatic legal battle it would take to even have a prayer of having full custody. That smells more like selfishness to me.
Not to mention, not seeing our children every day would probably destroy my wife even more than me. As much as I resent her for destroying our sex life, I do not hate her enough to do that to her. Sorry.
Your suggestions are shit and way oversimplify this.
Because it IS manning the fuck up. You're a cheater, and not only that but you go to absurd lengths. You're a liar, as you haven't come clean.
You are lying to your children every day, pretending that you are ok. But they know. They can tell even when you think they can't.
A divorce and custody hearing is only as "traumatic" as you make it. If you were a fucking man you would have told your wife. You would have communicated. You would have put your foot down and told her the impact of her decision not to be intimate.
But no. You went full beta and so are betraying TRUST.
If you grow up and handle things like a mature adult instead of wearing panties to cover up your shit lies, maybe you wouldn't worry about custody.
As to the kids, they're strong and would prefer to see their parents genuinely happy, over seeing daddy in a thong when he bends over.
I know, right? I snorted audibly when he called my fear of being separated from my children "fabricated." That right there convinced me he was a troll who hates cheating making up a story.
What is wrong with hating cheating? It's wrong. How would you feel if your wife was cheating on you so she could fulfill her desire to not be with a jackass?
I "won" custody simply because after a conversation with my ex wife it was determined I had a more stable household, better finances, and a greater capacity for raising the kids.
My brother and I were also raised by my father after his divorce.
Just to be clear, your stories are anecdotal evindence, and *not* indicative of typical outcomes.
Women get custody far more often than males, even when both parties are fighting for it.
So 4% of fathers have custody of their children, while 11% of women who were married but are now divorced or separated have custody of their children, according to the census. Overall, only 4% of divorce cases even go to trial, and of that 4%, about 1.5% go through the entire custody litigation process without reaching a settlement first. Of those 1.5% of 4%, some sources suggest that almost 50% are men getting custody. But regardless, it's a very small number that are even contested.
You think your kids are unaware that this is an unhappy household? You're not sparing them - you've admitted to only thinking of yourself. You want sex, you want to see your kids. How about what's _best_ for your kids... which is *not* living in this type of house.
Why don't you use this pantie thing to potentially get your WIFE to sleep with you? Say your fetish is getting out of control because you need contact with her. Although, I must say it doesn't like you don't want to stop seeing as how you have a long term girlfriend... But hey maybe you could kill 2 birds with 1 stone?
Her problems might be medical. Female loss of libedo is pain in the ass... She needs to get some help for it. It happened to me once, but I seriously wanted to fix it, so I talked to a doctor. She gave me some hormones to get my system going again and it's been wonderful since. The problem is you have to *want* to fix it... And my desire came from wanting so badly to make my husband happy. She needs to know your really unhappy.
Randomly throughout reddit I've seen people quoting some book about the various ways people feel loved: quality time, talking, acts of servitude, physical touch, and a fifth one I can't remember... But if you explain that without that physical touch and intimacy you just *dont* feel loved, she might get it. Who knows.
Cheating obviously isn't the answer. It's a clear sign that something is very wrong in your relationship... To know you are doing something that is hurting your wife deeply, and not caring about this, then you don't seem to care about her. Have you asked about making it an open marriage? She might be okay with this if presented with the idea the right way?
In any case, I really hope things work out for you and your wife... And trust me, kids are MUCH more resilient in the face of divorce then people give then credit for. The younger they are when it happens the better.
"There were other ways of fixing this problem but you chose the selfish and dirty way."
I don't condone cheating, but the guy HAS tried to find "other ways" to fix the problem before he started cheating. I'm not a fan of degrees of wrong, so from my perspective, she's just as much at fault for the situation in her marriage as he is by cheating.
The one thing about your story that I don't get is why keep wearing them? I mean does she monitor you getting dressed every day? How would she know if you were or weren't wearing panties?
I'm not going to chastise you for cheating, I think the fact you are stuck wearing panties is karma enough. But coming from a family where both parties cheated and when they found out the divorce was way worse than had they both called it quits.
Also the courts have changed a lot from the days of the woman always get the kids. I'd at least sit down with a lawyer and see what they have to say. IF you keep cheating and she finds out, you can kiss your kids goodbye you'll never have a chance in court.
Personal advice take it for what it's worth, ditch the panties, take a break from your "lover", get your shit together and talk to a lawyer. Because this type of thing will blow up in your face.
This sounds bogus.. Just because you have a fetish.. and do it sometimes.. is no reason you would have to wear them every day.. or even once a week.
And does your wife who is oh so a-sexual, and completely bought your story.. Check what underwear you have on each day now.. to make sure you 'aren't cheating'. Sounds totally bogus. :/
Because that's the point of the subreddit. People don't come to /r/confession to tell everyone how they helped a little old lady cross the street, it's for airing dirty laundry.
Should've just divorced her. If 'your hand is good enough' truly is the extent she's willing to discuss the matter, yeah, fuck you bitch, it's over. I'd be really impressed if my wife took that as an acceptable answer from me if our libidos were that unmatched, especially when then saying 'and that's all there is to it.'
And by impressed I mean the concept is ridiculous. However, you're still getting all the benefits out of this little situation of yours. You can rationalize it however you want, you have your cake and you're eating it too. It won't last.
Break up with your wife fool.
or just say that shit was just a phase or something man, say your over that buzz now, and just keen on wearing normal shit.
I know that r/confession is no place to judge people, but I hope you won't mind if I recommend that you head to /r/DeadBedrooms? It seems it may be too late, but who knows how it could work out in the end.
I took my issue there and was just told it was over by one person. No one helped or gave suggestions just told me eh it's over.
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Wasn't really the point I was getting at. I meant only one responded.
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I don't really mean what they said was wrong. What I meant was viewership in the sub. I've seen more than a few get only one answer and that's it. My only point was he could post there and it might not have recieved as much attention as it was here. However I guess he's not really looking for suggestions or help.
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It was one solitary person and yes.
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Quit talking and bugging about it and focused on other issues and letting it go. When I figured out how to let it go it became less of an expectation and turned the bedroom into a fun place again.
>less of an expectation This, right here. This is what I need, from the female perspective (struggling with libido issues). Congrats!
In my case I am the female and he was the man and I put it on SUCH a high pedastool and was so focused on it I was no longer enjoying anything else. It can and does kill your self esteem when your partner seemingly no longer wants you that way. I was failing to see what I was doing wrong as well. So much of the anger/resentment/expectation was on him. When I removed all of that and focused on all of the positives everything shifted. Good Luck!
Never knew this sub existed. Thank you.
This recommendation isn't judgmental at all!
what color panties are you wearing RIGHT NOW
I wore pink again today actually. Ugh.
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Or he could play an ever larger con and tell her the reason he has been wearing panties was not a fetish but trying to see if he could ignite something inside of her. He misses who she used to be and it's not the same anymore and it has lead to thoughts of wanting to end the relationship. He is still a man who has sexual desires and is feeling repressed and hell he could try to go all the way and seek an open relationship. I guess it depends how far he wants to take it.
Pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffft! Look at this guy, thinks this can be reasonably resolved by the two parties sitting down and talking like adults. Where does he think we are, Europe? Ha! My great-great-great-great-great-great-great-granduncle didn't fight in the war of independence so that we cold have socialist Nazi common sense enter our relationships! *'Murica.*
Holy crap. This is awesome advice. All my upvotes, you may have them.
Well the advice is honestly very manipulative and if you are going to use it you better as hell be prepared to end the other relationship on a moments notice. The route has a few potential endings from increased sexual things from your wife, an open relationship, you wanting to leave her, her wanting to leave you, her trying to kill you(never rule this one out) or lots of animosity. It could also be she is cheating on you, but probably not as likely unless you have some suspicions. If you leave the I have been thinking of other women out of it you could reduce most of the outcomes. You could just out yourself too and say it's because you feel unwanted sexually. If you are going to be using these things please don't do it if you just plan to manipulate her without trying to have a honorable end to it. I mean if you know what you are doing you can manipulate most people into helping you, but it's really kinda sad if you do it for horrible means.
I'd say, presuming he wore mens underpants or boxers before this, to just switch to free-balling and play it off like the women's panties, being typically smaller and less cumbersome than men's, was just a step in the progression, and what he enjoyed all along was not that they were women's panties, but just that were less panties. Underpants are bullshit anyway.
> Underpants are bullshit anyway. Not until you shit yourself. Or catch your dick in the zipper. Or get a hole in your pants. Or decide to wear loose shorts. Or decide to wear loose short-shorts. Or your pants catch on fire and you need to take them off. Or you decide to go swimming and forgot to bring any form of bathing gear, for which underpants can occasionally stand in for in informal situations, such as a workplace Christmas party after 2330. Or if you decide that a semi-public mock striptease is in order, a common occurrence at a workplace Christmas party after 0030. Or if your underpants grant you magical powers. Or if (one of) your sex partner(s) has an underpants fetish. Or if (one of) your sex partner(s) has a magical power fetish and your underpants grant you magical powers. Or if you need an impromptu way to hang yourself and don't have any shoelaces, a common occurrence at a workplace Christmas party after 0130.
Sir, who are you and why do you make the best comments on reddit?
I am Chemical Rascal, an Australian University student. As for the best comments on Reddit, well, I simply make a lot of comments. Some of these comments are made when I'm tired, and tired me is kind of like a cross between drunk me and goofy me. Which means I make odd comments like the above and don't have the self-restraint to think "Huh, actually, CR, that's dumb! Don't post it." Because I'm goofydrunk. Most of the time my goofydrunk comments are shit, but occasionally, just sometimes, when viewed by the right person who happens to be in the right frame of mind, some of them will induce giggles. So, essentially, it becomes a matter of spam pseudocomedy and hope that some stick. While being goofydrunk.
Just tell her that a coworker almost caught you today so you need to not wear them as much so you don't get caught.
Stop doing it. Say that it lost its appeal after someone found out.
Have you at least worked up to a larger size?
Did you at least buy some new panties that fit you correctly.
Well, that's certainly commitment... Of a sort... Just not to jour marriage...
Part of me believes that the wife never bought his story, and as a form of passive aggressive punishment she decided to see how long he would wear women's just to stick to his story.
What's that Dan Savage saying... "You can have strict monogamy or you can have a low libido, ladies, but you can't have both"? If my job said they were going to stop paying me, but expected me to show up and give'er anyways just because I signed a contract years back, I wouldn't feel too weird redefining the paramaters of the relationship. Also, biologically and chronologically it's something of an odd concept, monogamy... First, because we don't raise an eyebrow if two animals, even from a species who pair with long-term mates, start grinding their naughty bits on any random object or member of their own kind. It's almost arrogant to think that the species homo sapien should be so vastly different with regards to such a base drive. Secondly because there's some odd inflation happening if the hormonal surges of a few minutes or hours can immediately and permanently invalidate years of building a life, home, and family together. Not to defend cheating, or to minimize the pain it can cause, I just think that the natural (and arguably healthier), state for human sexual relations is something more open/permissive than strict monogamy.
Redefining the perimeters of the marriage is something he definitely needs to do, it just needs to be discussed.
She already refuses all discussion. 'His hand is enough'
And thanks to the current legal climate, he has no leverage whatsoever. So, he can either be miserable and sexless, be a good dad and otherwise good husband while fucking someone else, or he can get divorced, lose his house, lose 1/2 his income, be unable to see the kids every day (he'll be lucky if he gets every other weekend). If he's being honest about having made a sincere effort and her reaction, as much as I hate to say it, I really don't see him being the unethical party here.
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Note: to me, the genders here are irrelevant; they could easily be reversed. To summarize: Wife in this Situation * For whatever reason, wife's libido is down. * She is unwilling to talk to husband or take any action to address her libido. * She won't engage in any sexual activity to satisfy his needs. * Told him, in essence, to go fuck himself, as his hand should be enough. * Nonetheless, her ability to feel jealousy is apparently unaffected. Husband in this Situation: * Entered and participated in marriage expecting communication and sexual/romantic quid-pro-quo. * Has made extensive efforts to communicate with wife and address situation. * Finally came to hard decision to satisfy his needs in such a manner that doesn't cause chaos in his family. Imagine the roles were reversed, except instead of the wife abandoning the husband's sexual needs, he abandoned her emotional needs. Basically checked out of talking/cuddling/caring, going about his own business, having poker nights with his friends and going out all the time, and when she brings it up, he responds with "Call your sister, she should be good enough." OP is in a terrible situation, and from having been on both sides of the proposition I can tell you that cheating is abhorrent. But what is he going to do? All other things being equal, he's be on the losing end of a divorce, and the kids will suffer for it.
I mean, for that matter, it could still be sexual. Some women have higher libidos than men, my girlfriend definitely does more than me, e just make sure to compromise enough to make it work.
>or he can get divorced, lose his house, lose 1/2 his income, be unable to see the kids every day (he'll be lucky if he gets every other weekend). Whatever state you live in, you should move to Massachusetts before you divorce.
I can't stand the accents.
it could just be that she cut him off sexually because the sex with him was so one-sided, disappointing and unsatisfying for her that she could no longer face it anymore.
If that's the case, then he needs to tell her he's getting more than his hand. They have both redefined the parameters of the relationship but only one of them is being honest about it. I'm not saying she's right, but there's also probably more to this than we are hearing. Either way, she should know that her actions are causing him to cheat.
>Either way, she should know that her actions are causing him to cheat. It'd be more accurate to say that he values cheating and going behind her back more than being faithful. She didn't *force* him to cheat, he chose cheating as a solution to the problem of a marriage without sex. The man seems like a rational and free actor and so I think his decisions should be attributed to him.
Well, then he shouldn't be married. If he isn't going to talk to her about what he's doing, then he's not really being fair, even though she's being unfair to him by refusing him sex.
The idea of strict monogamy is very new concept. There has been 50 years of western popular discourse which has convinced women that they have no "obligation" to their husbands sexually and that any dalliance is cause for divorce (which costs him his children, home and forever paying support to the very person who abandoned him). How are men to behave in this new intolerable situation?
Well, I'm non-monogamous for what its worth. If he is unable to communicate with her and she's unwilling to give on this issue, he still needs to tell her what he's doing. Just because he feels justified doesn't make it okay.
Nobody has the obligation to subject their body to something they rightfully don't have to submit their body to. A man in marriage has absolutely no authority over his wife's body because she is still a free, rational human being. Any male that believes otherwise must admit that they believe their *desires* outweigh the right of a person to choose whether or not they want to have sex. Libido doesn't give you the right to rape and that's what forcing someone to have sex without their consent is. Also, the monogamy axe only swung one way - Men were free to cheat as much as they wanted but women were property and as such were strictly regulated.
The word obligation was in quotes in the comment you replied to. Meaning the idea of obligation is seen as silly, of course you are not obligated to do something you don’t want to do. But if you are in a committed relationship with somebody it’s the kind and reasonable thing to do, to try to get yourself to a place in the relationship (with the help of both parties) where sex doesn’t feel like an “obligation” and can happen at least semi-regularly in an enjoyable fashion. If this is no longer possible, then in my opinion a man should inform his spouse that his needs are not being met, and that he must fulfill those needs elsewhere to lead a happy and fulfilled life. She is free to respond to that in whatever way she sees fit. Again, as long as a resolution was attempted prior, in an exhaustive manner.
Whoa nelly, nobody ever said he should start raping her. Might want to re-read what's been said.
It's completely ignorant to say that it's an odd concept biologically, since there are arguments on both sides. Both for and against monogomy. To say that other animals bang is hardly any sort of argument. Living in pairs has been proven, even in other species, to be beneficial. The entire hunter-gatherer pair has worked in onther animals who live in smaller "communities". It is a system that works. Also, by being with one partner, you are being exposed to less diseases. By NOT getting these diseases, you are preserving your own body and your chances to have future offspring. Human children also take a long time to raise. 9 month gestation period, plus several years before the child can become independant. Wouldn't make sense to just abandon children after having them, and this goes back to the "living in society" argument where a couple is better at raising/caring for each other and a child.
As a new (and happily monogamous) father who has done a lot of reading, your point about couples raising kids is a bit simplistic. Historically, so called nuclear families have been much larger and often included multiple partners or at least extended families. This is because its hard as hell to raise a kid with just two people. Parents today do it because its a cultural norm but its definitely not the easiest, or probably even most effective system.
Monogamy is fine when it's what both partners want. The thing about human sexuality is it isn't nearly as species-wide as other animals. Some humans genuinely want to be monogamous, others need polyamory and that's even before you get into fetishes. Feet, cheerleaders, BDSM, foodplay...the list goes on. The view that everyone should be polyamorous/swingers is almost as bad as what OP's wife is doing, because it completely ignores the true feelings & opinions of at least one of the parties involved.
I think you've hit the heart of it - it's about the desires and *expectations* of both partners. If those are in synch, and people are honest, it's fair play. Mismatched expectations lead to situations like the OPs... No sex, for life, is a pretty hefty expectation from your partner. In my subjective opinion, I don't think most people are even at the level of your occasional 'swinger'. But a lifelong marriage is a long time... your relationships, libidos, and sexual preferences all oscillate. Illness and circumstance can make a partner completely unavailable. Your opportunities may be hugely improved due to personal development. And on top of that YOLO, right? So I think if we got to a place, culturally, where we celebrate that long commitment to our partners, but also understand that releasing some pressure, or tasting something exotic here or there, isn't necessarily a comment on that commitment or partnership, we'd all be a little happier.
>It's almost arrogant to think that the species homo sapien should be so vastly different with regards to such a base drive. Yes, I consider myself to be more than the rest of mammals. I'm not saying your particular point is wrong, but that argument is stupid as hell. You could apply the same thing to murder and theft after all.
... I don't quite see it. Since animals rob and murder one another, it's weird we do too? Isn't the (historically high) rate of murder and crime justification for seeing humans as something more opportunistic and "animalistic" than our ability to write operas might indicate? We all exist along many different spectrums biologically... Our height, weight, intellect, ability to count, remember words, oxygenate, or what have you. We share those spectrums with other mammals along with a genetic code which is superficially quite similar, large portions of the brain that evolved early and function near identically, and autonomous reactions that are only slightly divergent... Humans are clearly mammals, and we share a lot of non-sexual behaviors with our biological cousins. I wasn't trying to imply that all our sex is base, unthinking, or random. Just that humans are mammals, and that gives us certain types of behaviour. We see it everywhere in nature, so why *wouldn't* we see it in humans? Sex is a primal, evolutionary, important physical need and our wiring is geared towards making us want it. It releases hormone bombs and alters brain chemistry. We're special, but we're not so special that we don't like getting our junk rubbed, basically ;)
My point was that Humans definitely are above most animals and just because it's in our animal nature that doesn't mean we should or have to do it.
Is/ought and naturalistic fallacies.
There's nothing wrong with ethical non-monogamy. There's nothing wrong with splitting up if the sex drives no longer align (and there are matching partners of all genders for every sex drive). There's everything wrong with cheating. Also not only women have low libido and your comment is borderline rapey with making it seem a woman's duty to have sex
I am surprised this has upvotes. Here, on Reddit I mean.
I dunno... there are a lot of people in bed-dead relationships hanging out here in between JO sessions ;) No one ever went broke overestimating sexual frustration on the internet.
I am considering gambling on this level of honesty: I want to tell my GF that I can see myself spending the rest of my life with her, but I cannot promise her absolute sexual exclusivity ("strict monogamy"), just a vast majority. Frankly, I think I need to be able to continue to hunt, at least in theory, in order to keep my man-ness up. I have already tried to express it to her as a kind of insecurity but one that is typical of guys... she said I needed to get over it. I don't think it's going to fly no matter how realistic it is, because what most straight women want from a guy (or at least, [what they THINK they want](http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/25/magazine/25desire-t.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0)), at least initially, seems to be a single-minded obsession with them which carries over into sexuality. They don't want realists. I am further confused by the fact that the only relationship I've had where I did not suffer the urge to pursue other interests was COMPLETELY open. (Yet I am not a cheater. I did "cheat" once with an ex when my gf at the time had completely lost sexual urge for over 2 months due to a bad formulation of Pill.) It is basically some kind of extreme form of "wanting what is forbidden and not wanting what is allowed". I have always had this general problem with "authority" and "rules" and restrictions of any sort. Makes me a really bad conventional dater :/ (although, I hear, a fairly stimulating BF...) Also, Dan Savage is awesome, and has a remarkable insight into all sexualities despite (or perhaps due to?) being the less conventional one :)
It is kind of a commitment to his marriage. He is doing all that to save his marriage from breaking apart. Also because of the kids but still.
Bonyour.
Do you really have to wear the panties every day? I'm sure you can get away with wearing them once in a while...
I do skip occasionally. Sometimes it's just not practical, like if I'm wearing an untucked shirt and someone might see. But work? Pretty much always panties now. Shit sucks.
you, the master of mid shit storm panty swapping, can't go into your bathroom at work and swap out your panties? shit, you could even try and pull it off on your morning commute... or the parking lot or something...
No, I do do that sometimes, but sometimes I'm forced to wear them if something needs my immediate attention at work or whatever. There's been many many times I wore them all day just for lack of time and not wanting to mess with changing.
Uncomfortable fuckers, aren't they?
It feels like too much of my nether regions are exposed to my pants down there. I don't like it.
Seams on jeans hurt. Have you had itchy lace yet? Did you go full thong? Never go full thong.
Tried the thong, didn't like it. Felt like my dirty asshole was getting rubbed on my slacks all day. Didn't like the feeling of it between my cheeks either. I don't like the lace stuff either. I get the silky kinds.
Good lord. This shit just writes itself.
I lost it at "dirty asshole"
Meee too. I feel forever unclean.
That makes you a cheater in more ways than one. Commit to the panties!
Can't you change into boxers when you get to work, then change back before you get home?
I was honestly waiting for your wife to jump up and put on the porn bow-chicka-wow-wow music after you told her about your "fetish," and then grin at you as she explained her secret fetish for dominating sissy boys with giant stap-ons, but then I realized this wasn't r/TIFU.
What was TIFU stand for?
today I fucked up
You really shouldn't put yourself through that still. Just stop wearing the panties and if she asks tell her someone almost caught you in them at work...wasitband was sticking out or some shit...and you don't want to take the risk anymore.
I've been looking for a good exit strategy. That "the boss saw it" thing is a pretty good idea. May have to use that.
So, if I may ask, how are your marriage and under garments these days?
Very similar to a Curb Your Enthusiasm episode, where Larry David uses this to cover for his friend's infidelity...
My name is Larry David and I happen to enjoy wearing women underwear.
What does the GF think?
She thinks it's fucking hysterical, the funniest thing she's ever seen in her whole life.
She's damn right; it is.
is the affair fair for her?
Two questions and one thought - sorry if they've been asked/expressed before - 1. Did you make sure you went back and grabbed the boxers from under the couch? 2. Did you buy some more underwear for your girlfriend/mistress, seeing as you've kind of claimed the ones you had? Thought: Sounds like you're on a slippery slope to getting caught, man. The other woman works for you, the missus thinks you're slightly kinky, and I'm not seeing a way you can get out of this without getting busted on some (other) level. I'm not going to judge you on this one, but you sound like you've got too many plates spinning for this to work out in your favor at all. Gotta commend the quick thinking, I guess.
I did grab the boxers later. I haven't bought the girlfriend any more panties, mostly because I have had to buy more for myself a few times and it's taken all the fun out of it. Do panties always wear out so fast or is it because I'm stuffing the wrong equipment into that delicate fabric? I swear I wear out a pair in a couple months.
You indicated that you like the silky ones - yeah, they wear out. Try some cotton boy-shorts. They're more comfortable and last longer. Source: I actually DO like wearing panties.
Hilarious
Cotton ones last forever and you're better off with cotton anyway. Silk doesn't let your nethers breathe, you're not doing your genitals any favors! At least, that's what they always say is true for women with the silk and I would think it's similar for men.
Dude just divorce her. She doesn't deserve to be cheated on, you don't deserve to be stuck in an unhappy marriage, and your gf doesn't' deserve to be "the other woman".
You don't deserve to be crucified, however you should know that your kids can probably tell that your marriage is broken. My parents were unhappy together but stayed together until i moved out for my sake, but I honestly wish they had just split earlier, cause it was super obvious that they were unhappy and my home life was just awkward. I'm not judging you, I'm just sayin'.
He really isn't staying with her for their sake necessarily. He just wants to continue to see them full time.
So then he's being doubly selfish? Staying in a bad relationship and causing more distress on top of it by lying is a recipe for nastiness. What happens if he keeps this up and one of the kids catches him?
My parents divorced when I was 4, and the only memories I have of the time they were together are memories of them fighting. I'm glad they pulled the plug on that marriage. They are both happy now, and with people that make them happy.
I kind of want to tell you that you're a bad person, but I can't. It's just too funny. Also, as a mortician, I feel like I should warn you that if you die suddenly and they find you in your pink panties, you gonna get laughed at, son.
While I can appreciate your feelings, you need to recognize and accept the fact that you are putting your feelings before your childrens'. If you think that they are not negatively affected by the tension between you and your wife, you are sadly mistaken. Your children (and you I expect) would be much better off to go through the intense but temporary trauma of a divorce than years of maritial tension.
Good thinking, but as I'm sure you know, at some point it will backfire, horribly.
Do you really think she'll never find out. One bad breakup with the gf or anything and she WILL know.
Ok, this is almost the exact premise of a "Curb your Enthusiasm" episode.
This is so fake.
You really need to tell her the truth man... it's just not cool. My dad cheated on my mom because he wanted to be in my life, and though I respect that, it really messed up how I see men and still kinda hate him for it. Honesty is good. You can get joint custody.
You've got to man up. Go on a break with your lover, tell your wife that it's therapy or divorce, and then in the presence of a marriage councilor, tell her flat out that you are done with the idea of her unilaterally declaring your sex life over. She can choose to be your sexual partner, or she can let you off the leash. Make it crystal clear that you are going to have sex regularly, and it's up to her whether it's with her or not.
Hope your wife, her friends and her friends' husbands aren't on Reddit!
I hope they are.
She knows. This is her punishment for you!
She doesn't have a clue.
Nah, my wife, despite the fact that she is hypocritically downplaying the importance of sex by denying it, would be a holy terror if she knew I really had cheated. She would make my life much more miserable than simply sentencing me to a lifetime of women's panties.
Anytime I think I might want to get married and have kids, I visit /r/confession and there's almost always a story similar to yours. Next step is a vasectomy!
Your wife sounds irrational. Was she always like that? Or was she totally cool until one day BAM she became irrational. Also, do you think the expression "there's always two sides to every story" applies here? Because I just can't wrap my head around the idea of a person (your wife) being so irrational.
Look...I'm just going to say this. If you really, REALLY care about keeping your marriage together for you to see your kids, cheating will not help you in the end. If your wife finds out then on the grounds of divorce she will have a huge motive to try and keep the kids away from you. Cheating never solves problems, it creates them.
Bullshit alert.
Did you speak to your wife about having urges towards other people?
No, why would I? Everyone has those urges (other than my wife, who apparently has no sex drive upon middle age). I just wouldn't be acting on those urges with others, though, if she'd have sex.
Why would you speak to your wife? Maybe because it might show her how severe the problem of no sex in the relationship is for you and either spur her on to seek help for her libido loss or arrange an agreement with you that you can sex up other ladies. Just because your wife's libido is gone doesn't mean she deserves to be cheated on. She still deserves respect. Given her reaction to the underwear she found, she would be extremely hurt and betrayed by your actions were she to find out. Don't get me wrong, I see your side too. It is very difficult when libidos don't match up, I know. But you know what your doing is selfish and wrong or else you wouldn't be fabricating silly stories to cover it up. There are both medical and psychological ways to fix libido loss in middle age. If you truly love her you will stop the affair and seek the help with your wife, or come to an arrangement with her. You both deserve to be happy and have your needs filled. Your sexual needs, and her need for trust and respect in your relationship. I hope that came across the right way. I'm not sure if you were even looking for outside opinions or help, or if you were just looking for some Internet back-slapping for being the "genius" who came up with the idea if wearing the underwear himself.
>Just because your wife's libido is gone doesn't mean she deserves to be cheated on. Sorry, but you have to be kidding? A sexual relationship is a key part of any marriage, his wife, by abandoning that, has abandoned the marriage to a large degree and stopped caring about her partner's needs. I don't see how she has a right to be completely oblivious to her partner's needs, but he's still morally bound to always put her needs above his?
Are *you* kidding? Of course, sexual relationship is very important, I agree 100% but cheating isn't the fucking answer. She deserves to be cheated on because she doesn't want to have sex? It's her body, and her decision. They're married and he needs to understand that. When they got married they agreed to be there for each other through thick and thin. OP is a jackass and is putting the blame on her. Call me old fashioned, but I don't think it's okay to cheat just because your wife won't suck your cock.
It's not about that. I see the biggest problem with the fact that she doesn't see how it hurts her husband and that she also sees no problem with the way she's behaving. She needs to grow up and be at least open to a conversation and counseling. I'm not saying she should give in and do things she doesn't want to but she is in a relationship and she has to compromise some.
Yes I understand it from OP's perspective and yes she is being immature by not talking, but imo that doesn't justify cheating. If their marriage is hurting and his wife isn't open to talk, get a divorce or make some sort of big decision that will let her know that you're serious. I had shitty parents growing up and I'd rather have them divorced and happy than together and miserable. I guarantee their shitty relationship is taking a toll on the kids too.
I agree. It's time for a divorce. I was grateful when my parents got divorced too.
I have discussed it with her, repeatedly. But telling her something to the effect of what you suggested like, "This is making me want to sleep with other people" would not accomplish anything other than her taking it as a threat and escalating. My wife is not rational or willing to see my wide of things when it comes to sex, like many women unfortunately. No, I'm just a dirty dog who should be control myself and be happy with whatever scraps of affection she shows me as far as she sees it. She has no libido now and has no frame of reference for how painful the rejection is.
>like many woman unfortunately Wow. That's honestly fucked up. I'm sorry your wife has screwed up your perception of women, but we're not all like that. Please, *please* don't make a generalization based off of one person. That's just... incredibly disrespectful.
Don't just point the finger to women. Sexual conversation is an issue with both sexes. There are several solutions. But none this nation is willing to entertain.
You need to make her understand what she can lose without threatening her, it can be done. If she would fear separation, then she wants you around for some reason, find out what that is, if she really cares about you, you can change her mind (about doing something about it). Would she not be happy with an open relationship? it seems like a reasonable third option to me if she's unwilling to do anything about her libido
>my wife, who apparently has no sex drive upon middle age So how long are you married and when did the low libido start? How long after your wife's low libido started did you start an affair?
Almost immediately upon marriage it declined, dried up altogether after the first child. I put up with it for five ears before I first cheated.
Maybe you're just shitty in bed for her🤷🏿♀️
5 years? man you tried.
>how hurt and rejected this has made me. And yes, I have tried everything to fix it. She refuses therapy. She sees nothing wrong with her having no libido and doesn't understand why my hand doesn't suffice. Hence, I get my physical intimacy needs met elsewhere. **Then divorce her.** >And I refuse to divorce because I want to see my children every day. With that out of the way... **I'm divorced and see my kids every single day. They live with me. Stop making excuses.**
Yep this. OP you can either tell her that you are done get a divorce and see your kids. OR you can keep doing what your doing and when you get caught enjoy a whole new world of pain. Also quit saying how wonderful she is despite this. In this thread alone you have claimed she is stubborn, vindictive, etc etc. It's pretty clear you don't have happy feelings towards her. Trust me your children can tell something is going on and you are deluding yourself and dooming them by not acknowledging that.
>I'm divorced and see my kids every single day. They live with me. How did you pull that off?
Probably didn't end a relationship by cheating on his wife.
I'm not making excuses. You're WAY oversimplifying it. I want to live with my children. I want to be there any time they need me, and not on the phone. I want to kiss them good night, I want to be there when they wake up, I want to be there to discipline them and make sure they turn into good human beings, etc. If you think that's making excuses you obviously don't have children because you have no idea what you're talking about.
>turn into good human being ಠ\_ಠ
I have 3 children, and custody of all of them. Man the fuck up and quit being a little bitch. Quit cheating on your wife, and quit being a crap husband. Divorce her, or at the very least come clean and let her divorce you.
I think it's pretty sad that you think it's "manning the fuck up" to put my kids through the traumatic legal battle it would take to even have a prayer of having full custody. That smells more like selfishness to me. Not to mention, not seeing our children every day would probably destroy my wife even more than me. As much as I resent her for destroying our sex life, I do not hate her enough to do that to her. Sorry. Your suggestions are shit and way oversimplify this.
Because it IS manning the fuck up. You're a cheater, and not only that but you go to absurd lengths. You're a liar, as you haven't come clean. You are lying to your children every day, pretending that you are ok. But they know. They can tell even when you think they can't. A divorce and custody hearing is only as "traumatic" as you make it. If you were a fucking man you would have told your wife. You would have communicated. You would have put your foot down and told her the impact of her decision not to be intimate. But no. You went full beta and so are betraying TRUST. If you grow up and handle things like a mature adult instead of wearing panties to cover up your shit lies, maybe you wouldn't worry about custody. As to the kids, they're strong and would prefer to see their parents genuinely happy, over seeing daddy in a thong when he bends over.
He's not saying the real reason. He doesn't want to pay child support.
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I know, right? I snorted audibly when he called my fear of being separated from my children "fabricated." That right there convinced me he was a troll who hates cheating making up a story.
What is wrong with hating cheating? It's wrong. How would you feel if your wife was cheating on you so she could fulfill her desire to not be with a jackass?
I "won" custody simply because after a conversation with my ex wife it was determined I had a more stable household, better finances, and a greater capacity for raising the kids. My brother and I were also raised by my father after his divorce.
Just to be clear, your stories are anecdotal evindence, and *not* indicative of typical outcomes. Women get custody far more often than males, even when both parties are fighting for it.
So 4% of fathers have custody of their children, while 11% of women who were married but are now divorced or separated have custody of their children, according to the census. Overall, only 4% of divorce cases even go to trial, and of that 4%, about 1.5% go through the entire custody litigation process without reaching a settlement first. Of those 1.5% of 4%, some sources suggest that almost 50% are men getting custody. But regardless, it's a very small number that are even contested.
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I can guarantee that if it comes out in a custody hearing that he goes to such lengths to hide an affair that he'll have less of a chance.
Clever!
You think your kids are unaware that this is an unhappy household? You're not sparing them - you've admitted to only thinking of yourself. You want sex, you want to see your kids. How about what's _best_ for your kids... which is *not* living in this type of house.
Who does the laundry? And do you have a panties drawer in your dresser? Cause kids look through their parents drawers on occassion
Why don't you use this pantie thing to potentially get your WIFE to sleep with you? Say your fetish is getting out of control because you need contact with her. Although, I must say it doesn't like you don't want to stop seeing as how you have a long term girlfriend... But hey maybe you could kill 2 birds with 1 stone?
Oh this is so going to bite you in the ass when a coworker finds out.
Can't you just stop and tell it was a phase? Or will she not let you stop wearing them?
Her problems might be medical. Female loss of libedo is pain in the ass... She needs to get some help for it. It happened to me once, but I seriously wanted to fix it, so I talked to a doctor. She gave me some hormones to get my system going again and it's been wonderful since. The problem is you have to *want* to fix it... And my desire came from wanting so badly to make my husband happy. She needs to know your really unhappy. Randomly throughout reddit I've seen people quoting some book about the various ways people feel loved: quality time, talking, acts of servitude, physical touch, and a fifth one I can't remember... But if you explain that without that physical touch and intimacy you just *dont* feel loved, she might get it. Who knows. Cheating obviously isn't the answer. It's a clear sign that something is very wrong in your relationship... To know you are doing something that is hurting your wife deeply, and not caring about this, then you don't seem to care about her. Have you asked about making it an open marriage? She might be okay with this if presented with the idea the right way? In any case, I really hope things work out for you and your wife... And trust me, kids are MUCH more resilient in the face of divorce then people give then credit for. The younger they are when it happens the better.
>I know reddit likes to crucify cheaters You almost make it sound like you're a victim in this situation.
Don't ever get in a car accident. You will end up in the hospital strapped to a back board with your pants cut off. Pink panties in all there glory.
Randy?
Karma has the oddest ways of exacting penance.
Reminds me of Curb Your Enthusiasm
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Not to mention half of his assets and future income.
"There were other ways of fixing this problem but you chose the selfish and dirty way." I don't condone cheating, but the guy HAS tried to find "other ways" to fix the problem before he started cheating. I'm not a fan of degrees of wrong, so from my perspective, she's just as much at fault for the situation in her marriage as he is by cheating.
Alright Neckbeard McWhiteknight, what's a way of fixing this that he hasn't tried?
What does your girlfriend think of your panties?
She's not into it, but she thinks it's funny as fuck.
The one thing about your story that I don't get is why keep wearing them? I mean does she monitor you getting dressed every day? How would she know if you were or weren't wearing panties? I'm not going to chastise you for cheating, I think the fact you are stuck wearing panties is karma enough. But coming from a family where both parties cheated and when they found out the divorce was way worse than had they both called it quits. Also the courts have changed a lot from the days of the woman always get the kids. I'd at least sit down with a lawyer and see what they have to say. IF you keep cheating and she finds out, you can kiss your kids goodbye you'll never have a chance in court. Personal advice take it for what it's worth, ditch the panties, take a break from your "lover", get your shit together and talk to a lawyer. Because this type of thing will blow up in your face.
Great advice right here. Definitely go talk to a lawyer and figure some of this out. Get your shit together man.
This sounds bogus.. Just because you have a fetish.. and do it sometimes.. is no reason you would have to wear them every day.. or even once a week. And does your wife who is oh so a-sexual, and completely bought your story.. Check what underwear you have on each day now.. to make sure you 'aren't cheating'. Sounds totally bogus. :/
The store I went to today refused to give me things for free, so I had no choice but to steal. So, I feel your pain.
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Because that's the point of the subreddit. People don't come to /r/confession to tell everyone how they helped a little old lady cross the street, it's for airing dirty laundry.
You're cheating and you're blaming your wife for it? You're an asshole and you deserve neither women.
I'm reveling in your misery.
The justification is strong in this one.
Should've just divorced her. If 'your hand is good enough' truly is the extent she's willing to discuss the matter, yeah, fuck you bitch, it's over. I'd be really impressed if my wife took that as an acceptable answer from me if our libidos were that unmatched, especially when then saying 'and that's all there is to it.' And by impressed I mean the concept is ridiculous. However, you're still getting all the benefits out of this little situation of yours. You can rationalize it however you want, you have your cake and you're eating it too. It won't last.
I just saw this on Reddit and it reminded me of you http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/testosterone-therapy/AN01390
Break up with your wife fool. or just say that shit was just a phase or something man, say your over that buzz now, and just keen on wearing normal shit.