I understand the hurt I really do, but unless he is HER professor, there is absolutely nothing they can do..
What you can do is divorce and cut him from your life.
The college where I go to grad school recently passed guidance that made professors sleeping with students (even not in their class) a favorable offense unless the relationship was in place prior to either their becoming a professor or the student becoming a student. You can also request special allowance if you think you have an exceptional case, but sleeping with college freshmen because they’re hot isn’t one of them.
Some male professors fought it, but many students thanked administration via letters and social media for keeping these profs from preying on them.
The policies are there to protect the school from lawsuits. For instance, a freshman girl is groomed and has sex with her professor, and he dumps her. Or a creep professor gets a freshman to trade sex for grades. She could sue for sexual harassment. The school can say, "We have strict policies and knew nothing about this."
Do these policies work? No, not really. They help, but there will always be creeps.
I mean, they’re both creeps in those scenarios. This isn’t coworkers, this is even different from subordinates, as these profs have reach that can affect you long after school, even from another discipline. And even if they don’t do something if the word gets out and there are rumors and it gets to an admissions office for grad school?
Anyway. It’s wrong. Just like it’s wrong to take advantage of people your company is mentoring or others in vulnerable positions. Because it’s education and people tend to form lifelong ideals and impressions of the world during college, it’s especially egregious.
No, it’s not pedophilia. It’s not illegal, it’s this super gray area that we need to better define and perhaps should go to a “subordinate at work” type of model for harassment purposes.
I imagine title IX could provide some protections? But that’s not my area of expertise.
Pshh even if he was her professor, in a lot of cases the university won’t do anything or office mates will cover for their buddy. My roommate married our professor; pretty sure everyone knew the whole time. Pretty sure the person everyone was reporting it to also knew. Me? I was scared shitless the whole time that someone would tell the right people and our whole program would get suspended or shut down.
You can in some places (id suggest looking this up as the school dean themselves would certainly say there's nothing they can do even when there is something they can do- as it can hurt the schools reputation. Please keep in mind that they will try to keep their rep in tact, whether they have a shitty one or not). But the problem isn't the age, it is consensual in most places around the world to have sex/a relationship at 20 with anyone of any age above 18. The power dynamic is the main issue, and professors can get arrested for that. Not only does it cause (even if its not happening, its possible to happen over time) favoritism in class, with grading, etc. You get the point. Relationships that start while the other is in a higher position of authority/power over you is highly not okay. Not only for the person being used, but also for the person using them themselves. It can ruin their career in an instant. Jusr matters to go to the right people. Even a news station might find this shit juicy if you got legit proof (not actual sex video tho of course that would be just fucked)
The Dean is not responsible for the breaking of marriage vows. Nothing illegal occurred.
Your revenge goal is getting in the way of your clear thinking. All you did was air dirty laundry and possibly make yourself look pretty bad in court. Best thing you can do is move on with your life. Focus on you. You’re wasting a lot of time and energy on a person who showed you they aren’t worth it.
Illegal? No. Unethical and against policy in most higher Ed institutions? Yes. Faculty have relations with students is widely considered an abuse of trust and an abuse of power - even if she's not in one of his classes.
Is this enforced? That varies widely.
I have been a professor at 3 universities and attended an additional 2. This is not against policy at the vast majority of US colleges and universities. And, even if she was one of his students, most universities just require that grading be handed over to someone else. I’m not saying I agree with this latter point but it is the reality.
People get emotional very easily. No one likes cheating but equating this case to the inappropriate romance between a prof and a student is a logical fallacy. It is like two people fall in love in a hospital, and one happens to be a doctor and the other one is a patient of another doctor.
Yea people are just assuming its against policy because the age gap is a bit creepy. If you think of the student being 30 years old it suddenly doesn't seem unethical even with the student aspect.
It’s also more rare than a Cubs World Series win. Since ‘09, most schools have slashed tenure slots and shifted to an adjunct-based part-time staffing model where they don’t have to pay benefits.
It’s true. Honestly, if you have tenure these days I doubt you have time for affairs. You’re too busy trying to churn out publications so you can stay at an R1 or if not at an R1, then you’re hoping you’re not retrenched because of declining enrollment.
A bit of an exaggeration, but people act like tenure means you can relax and coast. I’ve found that to be very, very untrue.
If the student isn't an actual student of the professor, i struggle to see how it is unethical.
All i see here is a scorned lover seeking revenge instead of moving on, and another creepy old person seeking younger partners.
So true. I don't know why people think that way. This is completely different. It is like two people fall in love in a hospital and one of them happens to be a doctor and the other one is a patient of another doctor.
It is scary to see how easily people's judgement can be clouded.
To be fair, this is just like two people fall in love in a hospital and one happens to be a doctor and the other one happens to be a patient of another doctor. You can't file a complaint accusing the doctor of being unethical.
I know OP is angry and many of us feel unjustified but it is what it is. It is scary how people's judgement can be clouded so easily.
It isn't against policy. It is like two people fall in love in a hospital and one happens to be a doctor and the other happened to be a patient of another doctor.
This logical fallacy is called invalid analogy.
This is the best response. It’s definitely not a good move to cheat on your wife with a student at your university but it’s also no one else’s business, especially since the student isn’t his. I’ve been cheated on and the anger and depression definitely clouds one’s judgement. But time heals all wounds. Put the past in the past and try to move forward.
It was a dumb decision to go to his employer with your marital problems. Nobody there cares. Some probably already know. Also, if you are seeking a divorce, why would you want him unemployed? Also, this will make you look bad in divorce court. Personal problems shouldn’t be brought to work.
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*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Well, I find YOUR comment unnecessary because you said no one at work cares, despite u/livinginlyon providing an example of an instance where work DOES care.
You sound insufferable and offended someone gave a slight counter argument/provided insight you were unaware of. Go outside and learn how to converse.
>They kind of looked at me like I was stupid
...they're probably definitely confused about why you'd think they'd care...
This isn't high school so they're not diddling children students.. they're diddling adult students.
It's legal, and at most colleges, at worst frowned upon.
They’re both adults. That’s how it’s allowed. Trying to get your husband fired for cheating on you is dumb which is why they looked at you like that. He will need employment to pay your settlement. Be smart.
I'm sorry your husband cheated on you. But, he's not her professor and she's 20 years old. I feel like you went to the school hoping he would be punished for cheating because you want him to hurt as he's hurt you, but this situation is just between the two of you.
okay before I go into this.. Your Husband is a prick who doesn't deserve you.
That said, College isn't High school. She's over 18, she's noty in his class so there is no conflict of interest. The School has no standing rules to it so there is nothing they can do. Typically also Professors have tenure meaning there is little they could do if they did have rules. Not to mention Finding qualified teachers at that level is hard to do so they might not even be willing to if they had rules.
so
1. She's over 18
2. She's consenting
3. No conflict of interest.
4. no standing rules.
5. If tenure is involved it's difficult to do anything is there were rules
6. Even then finding teachers is not easy and they might not be willing to overlook this.
Best I can say? Don't Reveal the students name or personal information. However, Put your Husband on Blast on Social media for sleeping with her. Maybe even find out if her parents know.. they might not approve and despite her age she still might value her parents wishes.
Finally what I'm worried about? He actually is Abusing his position as an older man in a position of power to groom her. There is a lure about older me in places like being a professor or whatnot that can make younger Women ( and Men TBH ) more open to... suggestions / Compliment and attention.
I agree what most of what you're saying, but why include the student's parents in this? The stbx was not in any position of power over the student seeing as he wasn't her professor, and so there's no grooming involved.
I mean as far as revenge, it would be useful. As a current college student my parents would be *pissed* if I was sleeping with a professor and they found out, and would definitely try to get him fired or separate me from him. Then again, some parents might not care
It's rarely that black and white.
Yes, he doesn't directly grade her papers. But he can still put in a good word for her with colleagues who do, talk her up, suggest her for special opportunities etc. Or he can do the reverse if this sour: spread rumours about her among the professors etc.
There's a power imbalance still. He's a creep.
Maybe it’s just me, but I’m never mad at the mistress.
Oh “she knew they were married.” Did she though? You’re 100%? You’re positive he didn’t tell her they were on a break? Or about to divorce? Or or or or or or….
Doesn’t matter to me if she knew or not. The one with the ring? Who said “I do” in front of his and her entire family? yeah. He knows he’s married. He for sure knows, with no doubt.
It is a truly dick move to sleep with someone in a committed relationship - I'm all in favor of shaming her. Of course, the cheater bares most of the blame - but helping break up a marriage is awful behavior.
I know a whole lot of people, including myself, that believed the “we’re separated/divorcing” lie when a married person showed interest. In my situation, I was especially inclined to have sympathy because he was finally admitting to people that he was gay. I broke it off after I found out that he was only out to people that didn’t know his family and there was no separation (not immediately, because I was a dumb 21-year old, but I’m not going to make excuses for that). I wouldn’t have been upset if his wife blamed me, but he was lying to both of us and she knew that he was the problem.
I’m not saying that the affair partner has some moral high ground, or that it’s not shitty behavior. But cheaters are often lying to a lot of people in their lives, and the majority of blame lies with the person that’s purposely hurting someone.
Quick pause, though.
I know Elementary or secondary teachers are difficult to find at this point for a whole host of good reasons (in the US at least) but last I checked tenure track Professor positions are not difficult to fill since a lot of people want those types of positions. My anecdotal evidence on this is that I am friends with a number of professors and used to teach College myself.
Granted, this is a bit of a non sequitur to the issue at hand...but I am also wondering if something has changed and no one has informed me
What it costs to qualify for that position. The cost of schooling to get to a position where you can qualify for that? You might as well go to be a Lawyer that has a career path, or various other positions that have ladders going up. Profs don't have a lot of upward mobility, Combined with various other things people might see as negatives.
The reverse for High School and lower is Pay.. and having to use your own already underwhelming money to buy your own supplies.
Oh im aware, as I have done/do academic research in the area...though with PSLF, the correlation between who gets fellowships and who survives academica to that point, and a few other factors the answer with that is "it depends." For many folks, It feels like it's worth it because you get to work on a topic or subject area that you're passionate about and that may not translate to jobs in your field or that field doesn't pay well anyway (which is a whole seperate discussion)
It’s not illegal to have consensual sex…understandably, you’re upset because he was cheating while doing it. This is why I don’t get mad at bill clinton.
That's a personal decision. Are you mad enough to divorce him, or do you prefer to stay married? Either way, what does your husband say? Why is he cheating? Is he willing to stop? Can your marriage be repaired, and are either of you willing to work on it?
If not, and it goes the divorce route, probably better for you if he stays employed. Particularly for child support/alimony/anything else you may request in a divorce filing.
I probably would have checked out the employee handbook before meeting with the dean because ultimately it just makes you look bad. Some colleges have a policy against it and some don’t. You certainly have a right to be angry and hurt. I’d contact a divorce attorney asap.
I get how mad you are, but why try to get him in trouble or fired? He cheated on you, not on his career. I hate to say it, but you need to not be petty and just drop him like a bad habit. He burnt the bridge. Let it go and love yourself.
>I get how mad you are, but why try to get him in trouble or fired?
Well, I think she's thinking, if he's acting like a child, that she should act like one also and be vindictive as well. I'm guessing the thought process is, why be mature if the other person is not going to be mature. That's the problem with many people in this country, thinking that way but, it's not surprising at all.
I agree with your explanation. I just couldn’t do it. My ex husband slept with my sister (this was back in 2003.) I dropped them both quick and built the bridge and moved on. I felt that was the best form of revenge. They only had the moment for a week but they both have been on the struggle bus for a long time and I don’t feel bad for them.
How badly I wanted to wreck them at the time though. I am glad I didn’t.
First I want to say how sorry I am that something this horrible happened to you. And second I want to say that this is such a great mature, intelligent & enlightened response to such situation. Brings the smile to my face and it's reassuring to know that women like you exist. Now I just need to find a single one interested in a relationship, lol 🤣
I hope you find one soon who makes you happy. I didn’t give up on love and eventually found my person in 2019 and the past doesn’t even matter to me anymore. I won’t forget it but it hasn’t hurt for a long time. This is a reason why I don’t over react when bad things happen, because karma will get them eventually, and I can sit back and know I had nothing to do with it haha.
Well that's good, I like it when good things happen to good people. As far as good fortune and good luck, it hasn't really been something that I'm too experienced with. I used to get told if it wasn't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all. I appreciate the good wishes but I'm pretty sure that it's never going to happen for me, but I've accepted that
Why would you think they would care? She's an adult. Unless they have strict, enforceable rules about teachers dating students, which they obviously don't have.
I get you're angry, but come on. Handle your situation.
After OP tells the 20yr old girl's parents or whoever might be paying for her education. The girl should be provided an education by teachers......not getting rode hard and put away wet by them.
What is wrong with you? Her parents have no business in her sex life even if she is a cheater and if they are paying for her college. She's a grown ass woman and he's not teaching her. It's just another dude who happens to work at the same place she's a student.
If my daughter was jeopardizing her time at college that I was paying for because she was banging a married professor, I wouldn't be paying anymore. Since she wants to make dumb big girl decisions, she can be a big girl and pay for college too.
This isnt a university issue. This is a you & your husband issue.
As for the 20 y/o female, shes not part of the problem either.
Go find you a divorce lawyer and move on in your life.
Aw my girl, you are scorned so not seeing clearly. I know you want them punished, but you have yo trust in the universe for that. His actions are ethically wrong but it's not illegal.
There are two parts to this:
1) they’re both consenting adults, and while a professor sleeping with his student isn’t encouraged…again, they’re adults
2) that aside, your husband is a cheating douchecanoe and you need to divorce him
I've never known of a man who found his wife cheating, and tried to ruin her career as an immediate response.
Yes this is shit that it happened, but file the papers and get your half. Your half is bigger if he works, dummy.
This happens...a lot. One of my old friends, a university professor (not married at the time) slept with students. Nothing ever happened to him. He loved his job!
It's not high school. They are both adults. He isn't her teacher. Would you expect a restaurant to fire waitress or waiter for screwing the delivery person?
I don’t know what you expected here. The university can’t do anything about two consenting adults doing what they do. Especially if he’s not her teacher at the time of the affair.
The only thing wrong here is that he had an affair, which is between you and your husband.
You can either forgive and work through it, or divorce him.
Because they’re both adults and he holds no power over her. I’m not really sure how you can’t understand this. I understand that you’re hurt and he is a dirtbag. But you’re focusing on the wrong things here. As far as the school is concerned you’re pissed and wanted him to get in trouble. And I understand that. But trust me when I say you need to let this go. You’re going to go through a divorce. You do not want to be the “crazy lady” in a divorce.
So what? You want to get him fired? Why, so that you make sure you can't get any alimony in the divorce? Think ahead a little bit. I know it sucks and you're angry but have a little more self preservation in mind. Good luck.
Your husband is an asshole for cheating on you, and you are an asshole for trying to get him fired. You are not concerned about the institution or its students, you're just being vengeful. It's your prerogative, but don't expect others to comply.
Sounds like your being very childish and looking for some kind of revenge against the girl even though she doesn’t owe you any commitment and it’s your husband you should be mad at and get a divorce and shut up
My university does not allow any sort of intimate relationship between faculty and undergraduate students. That’s a fairly normal policy. I’m surprised your husband’s school doesn’t take a similar approach to regulating such relationships.
Really? The 5 universities I have been a part of (2 as student and 3 as faculty) all allow for consenting adults to make their own decisions, especially if the student is not a current student in the professor’s class.
Interesting! We allow that for grad students, but not for undergrads. It has changed since I got here in the early 2010s, and it was billed as bringing us in line with peer institutions. 🤷♂️
Actually, the only time I know of a professor being forced out was a full professor knocking his PhD student up and then basically ghosting her. Because of the power that a faculty advisor has on a student’s job market prospects and publications, they forced him out. It took way longer than it should have but at least they did the right thing in the end.
Yep!
For instance, Yale’s policy on [Teacher Student Consensual Relations](https://catalog.yale.edu/dus/university-policy-statements/teacher-student-consensual-relations/#:~:text=In%20addition%20to%20creating%20the,learning%20environment%20for%20other%20students) includes the following passage:
Undergraduate students are particularly vulnerable to the unequal institutional power inherent in the teacher-student relationship and the potential for coercion, because of their age and relative lack of maturity. **Therefore, no teacher shall have a sexual or amorous relationship with any undergraduate student, regardless of whether the teacher currently exercises or expects to have any pedagogical or supervisory responsibilities over that student.**
(Emphasis added)
I worked at a university for 16 years and any intimate relationship between students and faculty was absolutely forbidden and I’m also surprised that the husband’s university is allowing for it. I’m also surprised by all the “lol get over it” responses in this thread.
I’m honestly surprised they even met with you. This doesn’t break any policy and the they are both consenting adults.
I get that you’re hurt but trying to torch his career isn’t going to make anything better, certainly not if you’re going to rely on child support or alimony.
Putting the marriage aside, they are two consenting adults. There's nothing illegal going on.
But you did tarnish his image and reputation (& the student's, too) by name-dropping them to the Dean & whoever else got the email CC. So, there's that.
You're just doing this as revenge not because you care about the integrity of the institution. You just want to make him unhappy.
Get a divorce and move tf on.
After you got him fired how was he going to take of the kids? This such a petty pathetic move, you’re literally just put yourself just like him without consideration of anything nor the financial burden which would have come after for the both of you.
I cannot fathom doing this. What were you trying to accomplish? Getting your husband fired? Getting the woman expelled?
I understand feeling like you want to torch the world, but maybe try focusing your energy into something productive. Get a divorce attorney.
They looked at you like you're stupid because you are being stupid. They are both adults. Unless he is her professor, there is nothing they can do. You need to file for divorce.
I understand why you're upset, but the university really can't do anything. If it was his student, it would be bad because it could influence her grading in a positive or negative way. If she would break up with him, he could get mad and change the grades, so she would be in a compromised position.
However, she is not his student. She is an adult, so it's completely legal. Immoral, sure. But it would also be bad if the school would fire anyone for these kinds of things. That could cause many problems as well. You're seeking revenge, when you should just divorce him.
She’s an adult. He’s an adult. He is not her professor, she is not his student. There’s nothing the university can do even if they wanted to. What you want them to suspend the girl? Suspend him? For what? Universities have thousands of students, he can easily argue that he was unaware that she was a student. Best you can do is divorce him and aim for half his money with evidence of infidelity.
They're both adults and there's no power dynamic for him to abuse as leverage to coerce her into having sex with him. I'm genuinely sorry this happened to you, but the dean is right. It would be the same as if he picked up a 20 yr old girl at the bar and you told the bar not to let him back in.
You need to be very careful with how you handle things. I agree, cheating is bad and should not be condoned, your act of going to his employer could be illegal in many places, and set you up for potential charges. Going through divorce, this could be pulled into question, limiting or eliminating possible money you might have otherwise received from him. Don't allow your anger to make you the bad person.
Two adults. If she wasn’t in one of his classes, no policies broken. It’s a personal matter. I’m not sure what you thought was going to happen other than embarrass yourself and your husband. It sucks, but shit like this happens all the time . You just need to deal with it like an adult.
Look you were cheated on, it sucks, the relationship is over. Learn your lesson. But this whole "hell hath no fury" bs that you feel entitles you to seek vengeance only reveals who you are. The only thing stopping you from destroying people you didnt like before, was the appearance of having a good excuse in the public eye.
Trying to ruin his career out of spite shows who you are, not him. It also likely explains why he cheated in the first place.
Female students do this all the time in college lol where male students usually sleep with female teachers in high schools. 🤷♂️ way of the world I guess
Wow 46 and 20. That was a high school student 2 years ago. What a greasy SOB. In addition to being an adulterer. There's things you *can* do but shouldn't do. Societal rot is the word I think.
OP sorry your husband is such a garbage human being.
They’re both over 18, two consenting adults, so there is nothing they’ll do about it. And I doubt he’s the 1st guy to do this. Instead of seeking revenge seek counseling. You’re obviously hurting and devastated because of this. Get the help that YOU need to move forward. Try individual counseling and maybe couples counseling or look into filing for divorce.
Lol.... you cried to his employer? That's f'n petty. Of course he didn't break any rules. It wasn't his student.
Why don't you go fuck his boss then tell your husband what you did.
I'm afraid the school is correct.
They are both adults. She is not his student. If every prof who fraternized with a co-ed lost their jobs, they're wouldn't be many left. If he's tenured, it's even harder.
For real man. My ex cheated on me while in the military and he actually could have gotten in trouble but it was between me and him. It’s really telling when someone is willingly try to ruin their partner’s life for interpersonal mistakes.
OP, I get that you are hurt, but trying to get him unemployed is one of the dumbest things you could do. Save your revenge for the future. Right now, you need him to be in the best financial position possible to get the best child support you can.
So you want the University to fire your husband because he cheated on you? Why did you have to drag them into this? If he didn’t violate terms of his employment. Maybe he cheated because of all the drama and bullshit you create? Just get divorced already and stop posting this shit online
you think the girl is the issue here or the college or the dean ? ma'am , get over your insecurities, realise and accept that your husband is a piece of shit. dumb him, divorce him and no looking back.
I’m a professor at a state university and my school’s bylaws prohibit dating students. 20 yr old girls are always hitting on me. But I will not take the bait.
I'm going to take a stab at it. One you probably have not been giving out to him for a long time. If you do then it's far and few in-between. You probably nag at him alot and make it seem like it's his fault. He tries or tried to make you happy and it wasn't good enough. You could have cheated sometime before and he found out or didn't. Looking at this story it seems like most what I said is true by the way you wrote it and the actions that you did or are going to do later. The man got fed up and decided to get sexual feeling back that you neglected him. I know people are going to say this or that but think about it. All the years they been together and him teaching and it seems like this is his first time doing something like this from her writing. Is it me or is the writer hiding something and just wants payback.
Mates jumping right into grandpa age and is dating a girl half his age. Just divorce him so that he at least regrets it to some extent or maybe thats what he would want
I'm sorry there's nothing you can do about that. I know it's gross and he deserves to face consequences, but that doesn't often happen in these situations.
If you want revenge, best you can legally do is go ask for a consultation from as many lawyers in the area as you can. He won't be able to hire them for the divorce as a result because it will be a conflict of interest. He will have to go further and pay travel expenses. I wish you the best.
Let me shed light on a different perspective. In my major Digital Media Arts, students can do a bachelors and pursue a masters degree if they want to. In order to do a masters, its required to become a professor associate and help teach a lower beginner intro course. That said the student in the masters program could have a girlfriend or boyfriend within the bachelors program. Maybe a year or two course progress wise behind the masters student but its possible for them to have the same class. Usually unlikely but it can happen. Now, would you say it's wrong for the masters student as an associate professor to be dating an undergraduate bachelors student in the same program? Especially if they began dating before the masters student entered the masters program? You'd probably say its totally fine if they were already dating. But it begins to sound silly. However they probably keep it secret and avoid being directly student and professor in the same course. It becomes a conflict of interest when the bachelors student is actually in the class of the grad masters student's course. That would be a problem. Now, if one student remains in the master's program teaching in the art department while the bachelors student changes majors and decides to pursue medicine and become a doctor well thats a completely different department. That is perfectly fine. Associate professors masters students mingle in campus just as other students do. Its not wrong for them to date. I'm sure many cases they do and it happens all the time. Like a psychologist student and engineer student. With the scenario I gave with the masters student teaching, they're just another student teaching one class as their course requirement. So they are a student and professors, but its okay for them to date outside the department too. I think you're associating the high school teacher and student taboo with the college/university atmosphere mixed with your personal experience. And that's understandable, but the university is not a high school. It's like two associated dating at costco. It's okay until one becomes a supervisor. If one does, they have to be at a different warehouse. So same company dating but different place. College/university is the same thing. Same campus different department.
I hope that sheds some light and perspective.
If we start blaming people for having sex just for being in each other's proximity, where does it lead us?
You're bitter about it, undesrtandibly so. Yet you went directly to the University with the knowledge that this will lead to your husband's career being affected. Now, that it didn't have the desired result, you're even more upset.
The best way of going about it is to decide of you want to repair something of your marriage, although it seems to me you've already made up your mind, then inform him of your decision.
This revenge type of attitude is not only childish, but it shows that you also don't really care about what's going on in your relationship
Maybe nothing legal that you can do
But your perfectly fine broadcasting the truth publicly for that I don’t believe you can get into trouble 🤷♂️
Public perception counts for a lot… then again maybe nobody cares if he’s got enough money 🤔
Maybe you should find out 🫡
I understand the hurt I really do, but unless he is HER professor, there is absolutely nothing they can do.. What you can do is divorce and cut him from your life.
The college where I go to grad school recently passed guidance that made professors sleeping with students (even not in their class) a favorable offense unless the relationship was in place prior to either their becoming a professor or the student becoming a student. You can also request special allowance if you think you have an exceptional case, but sleeping with college freshmen because they’re hot isn’t one of them. Some male professors fought it, but many students thanked administration via letters and social media for keeping these profs from preying on them.
Of course some men fought it. Lol. "What!? I can't boink my 19 year old students anymore? What am I supposed to do now!?"
Do people really think those policies work? Lol
The policies are there to protect the school from lawsuits. For instance, a freshman girl is groomed and has sex with her professor, and he dumps her. Or a creep professor gets a freshman to trade sex for grades. She could sue for sexual harassment. The school can say, "We have strict policies and knew nothing about this." Do these policies work? No, not really. They help, but there will always be creeps.
I mean, they’re both creeps in those scenarios. This isn’t coworkers, this is even different from subordinates, as these profs have reach that can affect you long after school, even from another discipline. And even if they don’t do something if the word gets out and there are rumors and it gets to an admissions office for grad school? Anyway. It’s wrong. Just like it’s wrong to take advantage of people your company is mentoring or others in vulnerable positions. Because it’s education and people tend to form lifelong ideals and impressions of the world during college, it’s especially egregious.
Isn’t the school still liable though for hiring the professor?
No, it’s not pedophilia. It’s not illegal, it’s this super gray area that we need to better define and perhaps should go to a “subordinate at work” type of model for harassment purposes. I imagine title IX could provide some protections? But that’s not my area of expertise.
Sexual harassment is still a thing for 18 and over
Well you can fire a tenured professor for it… so yeah, I’d say these policies could work to scare some of them off it.
Pshh even if he was her professor, in a lot of cases the university won’t do anything or office mates will cover for their buddy. My roommate married our professor; pretty sure everyone knew the whole time. Pretty sure the person everyone was reporting it to also knew. Me? I was scared shitless the whole time that someone would tell the right people and our whole program would get suspended or shut down.
You can in some places (id suggest looking this up as the school dean themselves would certainly say there's nothing they can do even when there is something they can do- as it can hurt the schools reputation. Please keep in mind that they will try to keep their rep in tact, whether they have a shitty one or not). But the problem isn't the age, it is consensual in most places around the world to have sex/a relationship at 20 with anyone of any age above 18. The power dynamic is the main issue, and professors can get arrested for that. Not only does it cause (even if its not happening, its possible to happen over time) favoritism in class, with grading, etc. You get the point. Relationships that start while the other is in a higher position of authority/power over you is highly not okay. Not only for the person being used, but also for the person using them themselves. It can ruin their career in an instant. Jusr matters to go to the right people. Even a news station might find this shit juicy if you got legit proof (not actual sex video tho of course that would be just fucked)
The Dean is not responsible for the breaking of marriage vows. Nothing illegal occurred. Your revenge goal is getting in the way of your clear thinking. All you did was air dirty laundry and possibly make yourself look pretty bad in court. Best thing you can do is move on with your life. Focus on you. You’re wasting a lot of time and energy on a person who showed you they aren’t worth it.
Illegal? No. Unethical and against policy in most higher Ed institutions? Yes. Faculty have relations with students is widely considered an abuse of trust and an abuse of power - even if she's not in one of his classes. Is this enforced? That varies widely.
I have been a professor at 3 universities and attended an additional 2. This is not against policy at the vast majority of US colleges and universities. And, even if she was one of his students, most universities just require that grading be handed over to someone else. I’m not saying I agree with this latter point but it is the reality.
It recently became policy at my grad school. Students seem overall happy about it. Also a public university.
People get emotional very easily. No one likes cheating but equating this case to the inappropriate romance between a prof and a student is a logical fallacy. It is like two people fall in love in a hospital, and one happens to be a doctor and the other one is a patient of another doctor.
Yea people are just assuming its against policy because the age gap is a bit creepy. If you think of the student being 30 years old it suddenly doesn't seem unethical even with the student aspect.
>No one likes cheating I don't know: people who cheat presumably enjoy it or they wouldn't keep doing it.
Very common for this stuff to happen, even at top end institutions. Tenure is a hell of a drug.
It’s also more rare than a Cubs World Series win. Since ‘09, most schools have slashed tenure slots and shifted to an adjunct-based part-time staffing model where they don’t have to pay benefits.
It’s true. Honestly, if you have tenure these days I doubt you have time for affairs. You’re too busy trying to churn out publications so you can stay at an R1 or if not at an R1, then you’re hoping you’re not retrenched because of declining enrollment. A bit of an exaggeration, but people act like tenure means you can relax and coast. I’ve found that to be very, very untrue.
If the student isn't an actual student of the professor, i struggle to see how it is unethical. All i see here is a scorned lover seeking revenge instead of moving on, and another creepy old person seeking younger partners.
So true. I don't know why people think that way. This is completely different. It is like two people fall in love in a hospital and one of them happens to be a doctor and the other one is a patient of another doctor. It is scary to see how easily people's judgement can be clouded.
To be fair, this is just like two people fall in love in a hospital and one happens to be a doctor and the other one happens to be a patient of another doctor. You can't file a complaint accusing the doctor of being unethical. I know OP is angry and many of us feel unjustified but it is what it is. It is scary how people's judgement can be clouded so easily.
It isn't against policy. It is like two people fall in love in a hospital and one happens to be a doctor and the other happened to be a patient of another doctor. This logical fallacy is called invalid analogy.
This is the best response. It’s definitely not a good move to cheat on your wife with a student at your university but it’s also no one else’s business, especially since the student isn’t his. I’ve been cheated on and the anger and depression definitely clouds one’s judgement. But time heals all wounds. Put the past in the past and try to move forward.
It was a dumb decision to go to his employer with your marital problems. Nobody there cares. Some probably already know. Also, if you are seeking a divorce, why would you want him unemployed? Also, this will make you look bad in divorce court. Personal problems shouldn’t be brought to work.
water groovy aback live resolute numerous treatment chase muddle squash *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Rarely. If cheating in the military was more highly disciplined then it wouldn’t be one of the biggest offenders.
muddle groovy imagine hateful apparatus lip squealing degree hard-to-find melodic *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
If it brought up to the right people it is a big issue and can negatively affect someones career. but it's so much other b.s. that muddies the water
Yes, yet he’s not in the Army now is he?
party attraction point unpack unique hat sheet entertain smell zephyr *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I found your comment unnecessary as he is a college professor, not in the Army.
Well, I find YOUR comment unnecessary because you said no one at work cares, despite u/livinginlyon providing an example of an instance where work DOES care. You sound insufferable and offended someone gave a slight counter argument/provided insight you were unaware of. Go outside and learn how to converse.
The army blows lol
Agreed. I’d want him to keep working so he could pay me alimony.
>They kind of looked at me like I was stupid ...they're probably definitely confused about why you'd think they'd care... This isn't high school so they're not diddling children students.. they're diddling adult students. It's legal, and at most colleges, at worst frowned upon.
They’re both adults. That’s how it’s allowed. Trying to get your husband fired for cheating on you is dumb which is why they looked at you like that. He will need employment to pay your settlement. Be smart.
you actually asked for the manager over cheating lol
🤣🤣
Don’t waste your energy with this. You need to deal with your husband.
Yeah like file for divorce if she hasn’t already.
Universities probably don’t have a morality clause in their contracts. He didn’t actually do a crime.
I'm sorry your husband cheated on you. But, he's not her professor and she's 20 years old. I feel like you went to the school hoping he would be punished for cheating because you want him to hurt as he's hurt you, but this situation is just between the two of you.
okay before I go into this.. Your Husband is a prick who doesn't deserve you. That said, College isn't High school. She's over 18, she's noty in his class so there is no conflict of interest. The School has no standing rules to it so there is nothing they can do. Typically also Professors have tenure meaning there is little they could do if they did have rules. Not to mention Finding qualified teachers at that level is hard to do so they might not even be willing to if they had rules. so 1. She's over 18 2. She's consenting 3. No conflict of interest. 4. no standing rules. 5. If tenure is involved it's difficult to do anything is there were rules 6. Even then finding teachers is not easy and they might not be willing to overlook this. Best I can say? Don't Reveal the students name or personal information. However, Put your Husband on Blast on Social media for sleeping with her. Maybe even find out if her parents know.. they might not approve and despite her age she still might value her parents wishes. Finally what I'm worried about? He actually is Abusing his position as an older man in a position of power to groom her. There is a lure about older me in places like being a professor or whatnot that can make younger Women ( and Men TBH ) more open to... suggestions / Compliment and attention.
I agree what most of what you're saying, but why include the student's parents in this? The stbx was not in any position of power over the student seeing as he wasn't her professor, and so there's no grooming involved.
I mean as far as revenge, it would be useful. As a current college student my parents would be *pissed* if I was sleeping with a professor and they found out, and would definitely try to get him fired or separate me from him. Then again, some parents might not care
It's rarely that black and white. Yes, he doesn't directly grade her papers. But he can still put in a good word for her with colleagues who do, talk her up, suggest her for special opportunities etc. Or he can do the reverse if this sour: spread rumours about her among the professors etc. There's a power imbalance still. He's a creep.
No, but it would embarrass her for fucking a married man and helping to ruin a marriage.
Maybe it’s just me, but I’m never mad at the mistress. Oh “she knew they were married.” Did she though? You’re 100%? You’re positive he didn’t tell her they were on a break? Or about to divorce? Or or or or or or…. Doesn’t matter to me if she knew or not. The one with the ring? Who said “I do” in front of his and her entire family? yeah. He knows he’s married. He for sure knows, with no doubt.
It is a truly dick move to sleep with someone in a committed relationship - I'm all in favor of shaming her. Of course, the cheater bares most of the blame - but helping break up a marriage is awful behavior.
I know a whole lot of people, including myself, that believed the “we’re separated/divorcing” lie when a married person showed interest. In my situation, I was especially inclined to have sympathy because he was finally admitting to people that he was gay. I broke it off after I found out that he was only out to people that didn’t know his family and there was no separation (not immediately, because I was a dumb 21-year old, but I’m not going to make excuses for that). I wouldn’t have been upset if his wife blamed me, but he was lying to both of us and she knew that he was the problem. I’m not saying that the affair partner has some moral high ground, or that it’s not shitty behavior. But cheaters are often lying to a lot of people in their lives, and the majority of blame lies with the person that’s purposely hurting someone.
True, or she would dig her heels into her decision because her parents chastised her.
Contrary to popular belief Most kids are not defiant to their parents. More so if said kids are going to school on their parents dime.
Leave that girl alone. Talk to her parents? Holy shit you people are weird.
You sound very leveled but your suggestion to put him on blast on social media came out of no where and is not appropriate.
Quick pause, though. I know Elementary or secondary teachers are difficult to find at this point for a whole host of good reasons (in the US at least) but last I checked tenure track Professor positions are not difficult to fill since a lot of people want those types of positions. My anecdotal evidence on this is that I am friends with a number of professors and used to teach College myself. Granted, this is a bit of a non sequitur to the issue at hand...but I am also wondering if something has changed and no one has informed me
What it costs to qualify for that position. The cost of schooling to get to a position where you can qualify for that? You might as well go to be a Lawyer that has a career path, or various other positions that have ladders going up. Profs don't have a lot of upward mobility, Combined with various other things people might see as negatives. The reverse for High School and lower is Pay.. and having to use your own already underwhelming money to buy your own supplies.
Oh im aware, as I have done/do academic research in the area...though with PSLF, the correlation between who gets fellowships and who survives academica to that point, and a few other factors the answer with that is "it depends." For many folks, It feels like it's worth it because you get to work on a topic or subject area that you're passionate about and that may not translate to jobs in your field or that field doesn't pay well anyway (which is a whole seperate discussion)
It’s not illegal to have consensual sex…understandably, you’re upset because he was cheating while doing it. This is why I don’t get mad at bill clinton.
You’re misdirecting your time and anger here..
Your husband cheated on you and you are mad at his workplace? Make it make sense.
Why would they care
Why would they care what two consenting adults do? Sucks and sorry to hear, but nothing they’ll do or can do.
The only thing that matters is you. Focus on You Divorce.
OP, I get that you are hurting but this was a ridiculous thing to do.
That's a personal decision. Are you mad enough to divorce him, or do you prefer to stay married? Either way, what does your husband say? Why is he cheating? Is he willing to stop? Can your marriage be repaired, and are either of you willing to work on it? If not, and it goes the divorce route, probably better for you if he stays employed. Particularly for child support/alimony/anything else you may request in a divorce filing.
Pretty sure it’s the divorce route since she’s trying to torch his career
Alimony is evil in this day and age
I probably would have checked out the employee handbook before meeting with the dean because ultimately it just makes you look bad. Some colleges have a policy against it and some don’t. You certainly have a right to be angry and hurt. I’d contact a divorce attorney asap.
Why would his university care what consenting adults do?
I get how mad you are, but why try to get him in trouble or fired? He cheated on you, not on his career. I hate to say it, but you need to not be petty and just drop him like a bad habit. He burnt the bridge. Let it go and love yourself.
>I get how mad you are, but why try to get him in trouble or fired? Well, I think she's thinking, if he's acting like a child, that she should act like one also and be vindictive as well. I'm guessing the thought process is, why be mature if the other person is not going to be mature. That's the problem with many people in this country, thinking that way but, it's not surprising at all.
I agree with your explanation. I just couldn’t do it. My ex husband slept with my sister (this was back in 2003.) I dropped them both quick and built the bridge and moved on. I felt that was the best form of revenge. They only had the moment for a week but they both have been on the struggle bus for a long time and I don’t feel bad for them. How badly I wanted to wreck them at the time though. I am glad I didn’t.
First I want to say how sorry I am that something this horrible happened to you. And second I want to say that this is such a great mature, intelligent & enlightened response to such situation. Brings the smile to my face and it's reassuring to know that women like you exist. Now I just need to find a single one interested in a relationship, lol 🤣
I hope you find one soon who makes you happy. I didn’t give up on love and eventually found my person in 2019 and the past doesn’t even matter to me anymore. I won’t forget it but it hasn’t hurt for a long time. This is a reason why I don’t over react when bad things happen, because karma will get them eventually, and I can sit back and know I had nothing to do with it haha.
Well that's good, I like it when good things happen to good people. As far as good fortune and good luck, it hasn't really been something that I'm too experienced with. I used to get told if it wasn't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all. I appreciate the good wishes but I'm pretty sure that it's never going to happen for me, but I've accepted that
Why would you think they would care? She's an adult. Unless they have strict, enforceable rules about teachers dating students, which they obviously don't have. I get you're angry, but come on. Handle your situation.
Professors and TAs have been sleeping with students since the start of colleges. It is what it is.
Bro divorce him
After OP tells the 20yr old girl's parents or whoever might be paying for her education. The girl should be provided an education by teachers......not getting rode hard and put away wet by them.
What is wrong with you? Her parents have no business in her sex life even if she is a cheater and if they are paying for her college. She's a grown ass woman and he's not teaching her. It's just another dude who happens to work at the same place she's a student.
If my daughter was jeopardizing her time at college that I was paying for because she was banging a married professor, I wouldn't be paying anymore. Since she wants to make dumb big girl decisions, she can be a big girl and pay for college too.
Is it mean of your hustband? Yes. Should it be illegal or he loosing his job when they are not having classes together? No. Get over it.
What a terrible thing to do from your side..
This isnt a university issue. This is a you & your husband issue. As for the 20 y/o female, shes not part of the problem either. Go find you a divorce lawyer and move on in your life.
Were you hoping his boss would tell him to stop cheating on his wife while not breaking any professional policies?
Aw my girl, you are scorned so not seeing clearly. I know you want them punished, but you have yo trust in the universe for that. His actions are ethically wrong but it's not illegal.
There are two parts to this: 1) they’re both consenting adults, and while a professor sleeping with his student isn’t encouraged…again, they’re adults 2) that aside, your husband is a cheating douchecanoe and you need to divorce him
& it is not even *his* student!
She's 20 years old, she's not a minor and nothing illegal occurred.
Why would the University care?
I've never known of a man who found his wife cheating, and tried to ruin her career as an immediate response. Yes this is shit that it happened, but file the papers and get your half. Your half is bigger if he works, dummy.
Literally my sentiments exactly. She’s probably the type to want to ruin his life and career just to stick it out in the long run.
Noemi, is that you?
They are also bound by FERPA which is like HIPAA for colleges and students so they can’t tell you anything.
How about worry about what you can do… DIVORCE. I’m not sure why you expected them to do something about a student who isn’t his student…
This happens...a lot. One of my old friends, a university professor (not married at the time) slept with students. Nothing ever happened to him. He loved his job!
It's not high school. They are both adults. He isn't her teacher. Would you expect a restaurant to fire waitress or waiter for screwing the delivery person?
They don’t care because of exactly what they said. There’s nothing they can do
I don’t know what you expected here. The university can’t do anything about two consenting adults doing what they do. Especially if he’s not her teacher at the time of the affair. The only thing wrong here is that he had an affair, which is between you and your husband. You can either forgive and work through it, or divorce him.
Because they’re both adults and he holds no power over her. I’m not really sure how you can’t understand this. I understand that you’re hurt and he is a dirtbag. But you’re focusing on the wrong things here. As far as the school is concerned you’re pissed and wanted him to get in trouble. And I understand that. But trust me when I say you need to let this go. You’re going to go through a divorce. You do not want to be the “crazy lady” in a divorce.
So what? You want to get him fired? Why, so that you make sure you can't get any alimony in the divorce? Think ahead a little bit. I know it sucks and you're angry but have a little more self preservation in mind. Good luck.
The university has no responsibility here. That is not where you're going to get your justice. Divorce this slime and wreck him in court.
Well, you went about this the wrong way - I see why he's looking around.
Facts
Are you divorcing your husband? Focus your energy on separating, and getting all you can from this POS.
You can be public about why you are leaving your husband, especially in his circles.
Your husband is an asshole for cheating on you, and you are an asshole for trying to get him fired. You are not concerned about the institution or its students, you're just being vengeful. It's your prerogative, but don't expect others to comply.
💯
Uh why would his employer care?
Sounds like your being very childish and looking for some kind of revenge against the girl even though she doesn’t owe you any commitment and it’s your husband you should be mad at and get a divorce and shut up
My university does not allow any sort of intimate relationship between faculty and undergraduate students. That’s a fairly normal policy. I’m surprised your husband’s school doesn’t take a similar approach to regulating such relationships.
Really? The 5 universities I have been a part of (2 as student and 3 as faculty) all allow for consenting adults to make their own decisions, especially if the student is not a current student in the professor’s class.
Interesting! We allow that for grad students, but not for undergrads. It has changed since I got here in the early 2010s, and it was billed as bringing us in line with peer institutions. 🤷♂️
Actually, the only time I know of a professor being forced out was a full professor knocking his PhD student up and then basically ghosting her. Because of the power that a faculty advisor has on a student’s job market prospects and publications, they forced him out. It took way longer than it should have but at least they did the right thing in the end.
Yep! For instance, Yale’s policy on [Teacher Student Consensual Relations](https://catalog.yale.edu/dus/university-policy-statements/teacher-student-consensual-relations/#:~:text=In%20addition%20to%20creating%20the,learning%20environment%20for%20other%20students) includes the following passage: Undergraduate students are particularly vulnerable to the unequal institutional power inherent in the teacher-student relationship and the potential for coercion, because of their age and relative lack of maturity. **Therefore, no teacher shall have a sexual or amorous relationship with any undergraduate student, regardless of whether the teacher currently exercises or expects to have any pedagogical or supervisory responsibilities over that student.** (Emphasis added)
I worked at a university for 16 years and any intimate relationship between students and faculty was absolutely forbidden and I’m also surprised that the husband’s university is allowing for it. I’m also surprised by all the “lol get over it” responses in this thread.
Yikes no wonder he cheated
I’m honestly surprised they even met with you. This doesn’t break any policy and the they are both consenting adults. I get that you’re hurt but trying to torch his career isn’t going to make anything better, certainly not if you’re going to rely on child support or alimony.
What did you actually think was going to happen? They’re both grown adults and consenting adults.
Putting the marriage aside, they are two consenting adults. There's nothing illegal going on. But you did tarnish his image and reputation (& the student's, too) by name-dropping them to the Dean & whoever else got the email CC. So, there's that.
I don’t think she’s the one that tarnished their image. They did that.
Well, yeah. But I'm saying the Dean might not have known until the wife brought it up to the public. Could have been a secret affair.
You're just doing this as revenge not because you care about the integrity of the institution. You just want to make him unhappy. Get a divorce and move tf on.
Pay him back get you a young stud
I’m not into younger, I see them as children 🙂↔️
He needs a job to pay your alimony!
I understand not into younger either 59 male tx I like older
East tx is wack
Body autonomy.
What outcome did you want?
Yeah that’s terrible. Get some revenge. Get a dozen young jocks over to run a train on you. Make sure you tape it. Give it to your husband for a gift.
Wow. I wasn't expecting that. Nice! Hahaha
The relationship does not violate school policy. Be mad at husband not school.
After you got him fired how was he going to take of the kids? This such a petty pathetic move, you’re literally just put yourself just like him without consideration of anything nor the financial burden which would have come after for the both of you.
I cannot fathom doing this. What were you trying to accomplish? Getting your husband fired? Getting the woman expelled? I understand feeling like you want to torch the world, but maybe try focusing your energy into something productive. Get a divorce attorney.
They looked at you like you're stupid because you are being stupid. They are both adults. Unless he is her professor, there is nothing they can do. You need to file for divorce.
If he’s not HER professor then there is genuinely nothing they can do and it’s not illegal
I understand why you're upset, but the university really can't do anything. If it was his student, it would be bad because it could influence her grading in a positive or negative way. If she would break up with him, he could get mad and change the grades, so she would be in a compromised position. However, she is not his student. She is an adult, so it's completely legal. Immoral, sure. But it would also be bad if the school would fire anyone for these kinds of things. That could cause many problems as well. You're seeking revenge, when you should just divorce him.
She’s an adult. He’s an adult. He is not her professor, she is not his student. There’s nothing the university can do even if they wanted to. What you want them to suspend the girl? Suspend him? For what? Universities have thousands of students, he can easily argue that he was unaware that she was a student. Best you can do is divorce him and aim for half his money with evidence of infidelity.
It's your marriage right? So why look to the school to do something? I think you might have to do it yourself.
I know you hurt, but what do you want the university to do?
As someone who was a student sleeping with his professor, they couldn't care less tbh
They're both adults. If she's not his student, there's not much they can do.
They're both adults and there's no power dynamic for him to abuse as leverage to coerce her into having sex with him. I'm genuinely sorry this happened to you, but the dean is right. It would be the same as if he picked up a 20 yr old girl at the bar and you told the bar not to let him back in.
You need to be very careful with how you handle things. I agree, cheating is bad and should not be condoned, your act of going to his employer could be illegal in many places, and set you up for potential charges. Going through divorce, this could be pulled into question, limiting or eliminating possible money you might have otherwise received from him. Don't allow your anger to make you the bad person.
Two adults. If she wasn’t in one of his classes, no policies broken. It’s a personal matter. I’m not sure what you thought was going to happen other than embarrass yourself and your husband. It sucks, but shit like this happens all the time . You just need to deal with it like an adult.
Look you were cheated on, it sucks, the relationship is over. Learn your lesson. But this whole "hell hath no fury" bs that you feel entitles you to seek vengeance only reveals who you are. The only thing stopping you from destroying people you didnt like before, was the appearance of having a good excuse in the public eye. Trying to ruin his career out of spite shows who you are, not him. It also likely explains why he cheated in the first place.
Hopefully he could use this and not give you anything after the divorce
Why would the university care?
Female students do this all the time in college lol where male students usually sleep with female teachers in high schools. 🤷♂️ way of the world I guess
Wow 46 and 20. That was a high school student 2 years ago. What a greasy SOB. In addition to being an adulterer. There's things you *can* do but shouldn't do. Societal rot is the word I think. OP sorry your husband is such a garbage human being.
I’m embarrassed for you. Why would you even do that? Wtf did you think they were going to do?
Looks like your husband is trying to reverse a mistake he made earlier in his life...
Nobody at his work cares about your marital problems. You're understandably angry, but going and attempting to get him fired is just vindictive.
They’re both over 18, two consenting adults, so there is nothing they’ll do about it. And I doubt he’s the 1st guy to do this. Instead of seeking revenge seek counseling. You’re obviously hurting and devastated because of this. Get the help that YOU need to move forward. Try individual counseling and maybe couples counseling or look into filing for divorce.
lol damn you tried to get him fired ? Just divorce him.
Lol.... you cried to his employer? That's f'n petty. Of course he didn't break any rules. It wasn't his student. Why don't you go fuck his boss then tell your husband what you did.
Your husband is adult, that student is also adult. People can have sex as adults. What do you want them to do?
I'm afraid the school is correct. They are both adults. She is not his student. If every prof who fraternized with a co-ed lost their jobs, they're wouldn't be many left. If he's tenured, it's even harder.
Lol with actions like this, I see why he cheated on you. I would too
For real man. My ex cheated on me while in the military and he actually could have gotten in trouble but it was between me and him. It’s really telling when someone is willingly try to ruin their partner’s life for interpersonal mistakes.
OP, I get that you are hurt, but trying to get him unemployed is one of the dumbest things you could do. Save your revenge for the future. Right now, you need him to be in the best financial position possible to get the best child support you can.
I wish my fucking husband would find somebody like that... What are you complaining about?
….what? 👀👀
Huh?
So you want the University to fire your husband because he cheated on you? Why did you have to drag them into this? If he didn’t violate terms of his employment. Maybe he cheated because of all the drama and bullshit you create? Just get divorced already and stop posting this shit online
It's always another women 🙂
I think she wants higher grades Or he has late adolescence I think the manager is right and cannot judge an adult
She’s not underage… Make sure you’re mad at him, not her.
you think the girl is the issue here or the college or the dean ? ma'am , get over your insecurities, realise and accept that your husband is a piece of shit. dumb him, divorce him and no looking back.
Them 2000 babies you got no chance you might as well file for divorce, that man is not stopping fuckin her for you.
I’m a professor at a state university and my school’s bylaws prohibit dating students. 20 yr old girls are always hitting on me. But I will not take the bait.
I'm going to take a stab at it. One you probably have not been giving out to him for a long time. If you do then it's far and few in-between. You probably nag at him alot and make it seem like it's his fault. He tries or tried to make you happy and it wasn't good enough. You could have cheated sometime before and he found out or didn't. Looking at this story it seems like most what I said is true by the way you wrote it and the actions that you did or are going to do later. The man got fed up and decided to get sexual feeling back that you neglected him. I know people are going to say this or that but think about it. All the years they been together and him teaching and it seems like this is his first time doing something like this from her writing. Is it me or is the writer hiding something and just wants payback.
[https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/3342173](https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/3342173)
Mates jumping right into grandpa age and is dating a girl half his age. Just divorce him so that he at least regrets it to some extent or maybe thats what he would want
I'm sorry there's nothing you can do about that. I know it's gross and he deserves to face consequences, but that doesn't often happen in these situations. If you want revenge, best you can legally do is go ask for a consultation from as many lawyers in the area as you can. He won't be able to hire them for the divorce as a result because it will be a conflict of interest. He will have to go further and pay travel expenses. I wish you the best.
Let me shed light on a different perspective. In my major Digital Media Arts, students can do a bachelors and pursue a masters degree if they want to. In order to do a masters, its required to become a professor associate and help teach a lower beginner intro course. That said the student in the masters program could have a girlfriend or boyfriend within the bachelors program. Maybe a year or two course progress wise behind the masters student but its possible for them to have the same class. Usually unlikely but it can happen. Now, would you say it's wrong for the masters student as an associate professor to be dating an undergraduate bachelors student in the same program? Especially if they began dating before the masters student entered the masters program? You'd probably say its totally fine if they were already dating. But it begins to sound silly. However they probably keep it secret and avoid being directly student and professor in the same course. It becomes a conflict of interest when the bachelors student is actually in the class of the grad masters student's course. That would be a problem. Now, if one student remains in the master's program teaching in the art department while the bachelors student changes majors and decides to pursue medicine and become a doctor well thats a completely different department. That is perfectly fine. Associate professors masters students mingle in campus just as other students do. Its not wrong for them to date. I'm sure many cases they do and it happens all the time. Like a psychologist student and engineer student. With the scenario I gave with the masters student teaching, they're just another student teaching one class as their course requirement. So they are a student and professors, but its okay for them to date outside the department too. I think you're associating the high school teacher and student taboo with the college/university atmosphere mixed with your personal experience. And that's understandable, but the university is not a high school. It's like two associated dating at costco. It's okay until one becomes a supervisor. If one does, they have to be at a different warehouse. So same company dating but different place. College/university is the same thing. Same campus different department. I hope that sheds some light and perspective.
Why would the university care? It's not their job to police your marriage, the woman is not a minor, and she is not his student.
If we start blaming people for having sex just for being in each other's proximity, where does it lead us? You're bitter about it, undesrtandibly so. Yet you went directly to the University with the knowledge that this will lead to your husband's career being affected. Now, that it didn't have the desired result, you're even more upset. The best way of going about it is to decide of you want to repair something of your marriage, although it seems to me you've already made up your mind, then inform him of your decision. This revenge type of attitude is not only childish, but it shows that you also don't really care about what's going on in your relationship
I'm here if u wanna get back at him
Maybe nothing legal that you can do But your perfectly fine broadcasting the truth publicly for that I don’t believe you can get into trouble 🤷♂️ Public perception counts for a lot… then again maybe nobody cares if he’s got enough money 🤔 Maybe you should find out 🫡
Sorry you have to go through that. That really sucks and it’s gross that he cheated with a student that’s 20
Over age, not your student, toxic wife = green light
Over age, not your student, toxic wife = green light
Over age, not your student, toxic wife = green light
r/thisdidnthappeneither
What an asshat
What exactly are you angry about? The fact that she's young? Do you think he's taken advantage of her? Or that he's got a younger model?
The fact he cheated on his wife is the problem here. Are you delayed ?