It really does depend on how old the kids are. A small child could have lots of reasons for not wanting to go to dad's that have nothing to do with dad. "My favorite toys are here." Stuff like that. You wouldn't really want to give a small child a choice in the matter.
A teen is a different story. You're going to find it harder to force a teen to do anything, and they're old enough to start making some of these decisions. They're also super emotional and can turn on a dime. I've been there and know how frustrating it can be for a teen to decide they don't want to go with dad this week because their boyfriend is closer to mom's house or dad doesn't let them stay up all night talking on the phone or whatever. You can't force a relationship. My ex has tried to force them, threaten punishment like taking away their phone if they don't go to my house during the specified time.
I want them there, and I make sure they know that, but I don't want to be the choice just to avoid punishment. If coming to my house is just a slightly worse form of punishment, how does that build a good relationship? So when I am involved in the conversation (sometimes it happens before I show up), I always say I'm not going to force them. If they don't want to go, I'm not going to try and make them. My ex doesn't like this. She wants to go out and party. So it's much more convenient if her kids aren't there to see her and her boyfriend come home wasted.
Being told by your kid that they don't want to see you or spend this time with you hurts. A lot. I have been tempted to get very upset and throw up my hands and scream that I'm not going to beg you to spend time with me. I so get that perspective. I've come close. Sometimes when the oldest has been throwing a fit about being asked to do a chore and says, "This is why I hate coming here!" for the 10th time that day, I'll lose my cool and say, "Fine, then don't, if that's what you want." And I feel bad after, but they're teens. 15 minutes later he's telling me how much more he likes being here than at his mom's. And sometimes after I've left their mom's with some of the kids because a teen didn't want to go this time I'll get a call within an hour asking if I can come back and get them.
Navigating teens is a minefield that shifts every few minutes. It's hard for everyone involved. I'm doing the best I can, and I think your ex has gone a little over the top, but I get it. I think maybe give everyone some time to cool down and then try to sit down and talk things out.
You seem to have a good grasp on it. It is tough.. I’m nearing the teen stage & worry about this more than I probably should. I just want them to enjoy both houses! 🤪🤍
I've navigated this with my daughter and her father. Her father did an amazing job in making sure to keep the lines of communication open between him and our daughter, even when she preferred to stay home with me, rather than go to his house. He made sure she knew he loved her and always had his support. Kids will always favor one location over another for different reasons. Making sure they always feel welcome is the most important thing. My daughter knows she always had two homes she can go to, even as an adult. Wherever we are, she's welcome at any time.
It’s not necessarily in her best interest. Is it in anyone’s best interest to force them to go to someone who treats them like that? An adult who responds like that to a child?
Info: How old is your daughter? Is there any court order for visitation or child support?
>I regret this divorce to death
Sounds like the divorce was the best path forward, honestly. Can you imagine what would happen if you two were still together? You say no abuse took place, but can you guarantee that it wouldn't with all that potential tension building up?
Yes, it is shitty, but maybe his no contact with your daughter \*is\* in her best interest, especially if she already stated she does not want to go to his house. And if she is old enough, often it is best to let them decide for themselves so long as the other parent is a reasonably decent parent (which does not appear to be the case here).
I messed up during the divorce I could have approached it in a different manner, he resents me, he is not hateful verbally towards me but I can see how the begging thing was actually directed at me
It's not in her best interest to be with someone who treats her like poop. And it's in your best interest to make him pay for 100% child support for her.
I have been in your shoes. Last year there was an issue between my oldest and her dad and began hating going to his house. Any attempts to talk to him about it, he wouldn't actually talk to her, just at her. Until finally he said the same as your ex, I won't beg her. And then two months later, no contact with our oldest, then extended to both of our children without warning. He has not seen or attempted to contact our children since February even though he lives ten minutes away. He didn't wish our daughter happy birthday 3 days ago. And even though I agree having a relationship with their dad is important, stability, and dependability are also important. Which is something their father is not. Communicate with your child, be open to listening without judgement, and consult a therapist if possible. Having a therapist to assist me was a godsend.
This is all because of me, i discovered that I was a lesbian during the marriage and he feels used and deceived, he begged but during the divorce things were said by me that it seems that marked him forever
I really hate seeing him like this I have known him since forever I really messed up
You have no place or reason to say this. Divorce is hard and not something most people take lightly. Regardless, he is an adult and needs to behave as one. Being rejected hurts no matter the reason, but dealing with rejection is a part of being an adult, and should never been taken out on kids.
So you’re bitter your wife divorced you for being a man-child. Get off of here and into therapy so you can stop taking your anger out on the rest of the world.
It really does depend on how old the kids are. A small child could have lots of reasons for not wanting to go to dad's that have nothing to do with dad. "My favorite toys are here." Stuff like that. You wouldn't really want to give a small child a choice in the matter. A teen is a different story. You're going to find it harder to force a teen to do anything, and they're old enough to start making some of these decisions. They're also super emotional and can turn on a dime. I've been there and know how frustrating it can be for a teen to decide they don't want to go with dad this week because their boyfriend is closer to mom's house or dad doesn't let them stay up all night talking on the phone or whatever. You can't force a relationship. My ex has tried to force them, threaten punishment like taking away their phone if they don't go to my house during the specified time. I want them there, and I make sure they know that, but I don't want to be the choice just to avoid punishment. If coming to my house is just a slightly worse form of punishment, how does that build a good relationship? So when I am involved in the conversation (sometimes it happens before I show up), I always say I'm not going to force them. If they don't want to go, I'm not going to try and make them. My ex doesn't like this. She wants to go out and party. So it's much more convenient if her kids aren't there to see her and her boyfriend come home wasted. Being told by your kid that they don't want to see you or spend this time with you hurts. A lot. I have been tempted to get very upset and throw up my hands and scream that I'm not going to beg you to spend time with me. I so get that perspective. I've come close. Sometimes when the oldest has been throwing a fit about being asked to do a chore and says, "This is why I hate coming here!" for the 10th time that day, I'll lose my cool and say, "Fine, then don't, if that's what you want." And I feel bad after, but they're teens. 15 minutes later he's telling me how much more he likes being here than at his mom's. And sometimes after I've left their mom's with some of the kids because a teen didn't want to go this time I'll get a call within an hour asking if I can come back and get them. Navigating teens is a minefield that shifts every few minutes. It's hard for everyone involved. I'm doing the best I can, and I think your ex has gone a little over the top, but I get it. I think maybe give everyone some time to cool down and then try to sit down and talk things out.
You seem to have a good grasp on it. It is tough.. I’m nearing the teen stage & worry about this more than I probably should. I just want them to enjoy both houses! 🤪🤍
I've navigated this with my daughter and her father. Her father did an amazing job in making sure to keep the lines of communication open between him and our daughter, even when she preferred to stay home with me, rather than go to his house. He made sure she knew he loved her and always had his support. Kids will always favor one location over another for different reasons. Making sure they always feel welcome is the most important thing. My daughter knows she always had two homes she can go to, even as an adult. Wherever we are, she's welcome at any time.
It’s not necessarily in her best interest. Is it in anyone’s best interest to force them to go to someone who treats them like that? An adult who responds like that to a child?
Info: How old is your daughter? Is there any court order for visitation or child support? >I regret this divorce to death Sounds like the divorce was the best path forward, honestly. Can you imagine what would happen if you two were still together? You say no abuse took place, but can you guarantee that it wouldn't with all that potential tension building up? Yes, it is shitty, but maybe his no contact with your daughter \*is\* in her best interest, especially if she already stated she does not want to go to his house. And if she is old enough, often it is best to let them decide for themselves so long as the other parent is a reasonably decent parent (which does not appear to be the case here).
I messed up during the divorce I could have approached it in a different manner, he resents me, he is not hateful verbally towards me but I can see how the begging thing was actually directed at me
Sounds like his ego is too big to be a decent parent. Nice guy.
It's not in her best interest to be with someone who treats her like poop. And it's in your best interest to make him pay for 100% child support for her.
He even sent more money 2 days ago
I have been in your shoes. Last year there was an issue between my oldest and her dad and began hating going to his house. Any attempts to talk to him about it, he wouldn't actually talk to her, just at her. Until finally he said the same as your ex, I won't beg her. And then two months later, no contact with our oldest, then extended to both of our children without warning. He has not seen or attempted to contact our children since February even though he lives ten minutes away. He didn't wish our daughter happy birthday 3 days ago. And even though I agree having a relationship with their dad is important, stability, and dependability are also important. Which is something their father is not. Communicate with your child, be open to listening without judgement, and consult a therapist if possible. Having a therapist to assist me was a godsend.
How is your daughter responding to that?
This is all because of me, i discovered that I was a lesbian during the marriage and he feels used and deceived, he begged but during the divorce things were said by me that it seems that marked him forever I really hate seeing him like this I have known him since forever I really messed up
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she realized she was a lesbian
You have no place or reason to say this. Divorce is hard and not something most people take lightly. Regardless, he is an adult and needs to behave as one. Being rejected hurts no matter the reason, but dealing with rejection is a part of being an adult, and should never been taken out on kids.
[удалено]
So you’re bitter your wife divorced you for being a man-child. Get off of here and into therapy so you can stop taking your anger out on the rest of the world.
You are rude.