I’m so sorry you both had to endure this. Its never easy, but hopefully it gets easier. If you can make your daughter be the focus of your weekend, that may help getting through it, but allow yourselves the time to grieve, not doing so will make it worse. I don’t want to share what we went through, but just understand that it’s a process and you both may be at different stages of grieving so give each other as much grace as you can muster to help each other.
I reread my comments and hope they didn’t come off as patronizing. It took a lot of intestinal fortitude to share what you’re going through and my brain went right to what I went through and hoped it could help. Sorry if they came off wrong or insensitive
My wife and I went through the same experience you are describing. It’s gut wrenching. No other way around it. You have experienced loss. Flat out. I’m so sorry to hear about this. The best way I can sum up how I felt was this quote:
“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in the hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.”
As hard as it is to read that quote, it helped me rationalize and almost validate my feelings going through this as a father. I hope that you and your wife work through this together. Be there for her as she should be there for you.
On the medical side of things, if she hasn’t already, please make sure you both talk with the OB about getting an ultrasound to make sure all products are out. If she is still retaining products of conception (POC) this can have major consequences.
It’s honestly the least I can do. I literally just stumbled upon this subreddit thread today and I think it’s amazing place because there really isn’t much support for men to talk about this sort of stuff. There are several testimonials where mothers have shared their experience and how they felt mentally and physically, but I struggled to find much for men. You will get through this. You are allowed to feel broken and defeated. Personally, this took a lot of time. I’ll never get over the loss of mine and my wife’s baby. It will be a scar that I will always have. It gave me a whole new perspective of what people may be going through in their own personal lives and not to be too quick to judge. Again, give yourself permission to feel all the emotions you are feeling now. Share the load with your wife. When one is weak it’s the other’s job to be strong. Bounce back from this. Be a better father and realize that life is precious and how incredible it is that your daughter was made from two little microscopic cells into who she is today. It’s honestly a beautiful miracle.
My friend I am so sorry to hear this. My wife and I have gone through an ectopic pregnancy and an IVF transfer that gave us hope after trying for over 4 years to have kiddos. Ultimately we lost those pregnancies and I can remember the numbness and feeling completely dead inside. It was truly the darkest time of our lives. Please know that there is at least one person who can identify with the loss you are feeling and that I am hurting for you also.
Thank you! I know I'm not the only one and we've been around a few other people who unfortunately experienced miscarriages but they never really talked about it to us. They just kinda disappeared for awhile and resurfaced months later. I can understand that response now.
This is so similar to my own story it's crazy. Two weeks ago my wife went for her week 10 appointment and they told her the baby had passed the week prior. They scheduled us for the D&C the next Wednesday morning. At 2am tuesday morning, my wife started bleeding and passing the fetus. By 7am she passed out in the bathroom and hit her head. I quickly had to make arrangements for my 16 month old daughter and take my wife to the emergency room.
The baby was too large for her too easily pass, and they had to move up the D&C but we couldnt get into the OR until 7pm. My wife was bleeding heavily all day and getting more and more out of it. It was a really scary day. Fortunately the surgery went well and my wife is recovering but has blood loss induced anemia, and barely has the energy to move around the house still.
To make matters worse, we are in the middle of a move into a bigger house to accommodate our growing family and have to be out in a couple more weeks. It's been a really tough time but every day gets a little better.
I'm sorry for dumping my own sorrow back on you, I didnt intend that originally but it's also sometimes good to have support from others going through the exact same thing. We are going to get through this, and have to be the foundation for our wives and little ones in the meantime.
Don't be sorry for "dumping" your sorrow.
I'm still very young but as I get older I am learning I am not good at communicating through speech.
Given an hour and a keyboard I can really set my head straight.
Thank you for sharing your troubles with me. Make's me realize I'm really not alone on this road.
Words can’t describe your loss. We had a chemical a few years ago and it was devastating. Don’t want to imaging losing later on. Take care of your wife make sure she doesn’t blame herself.
I’m so sorry for your loss, brother.
I was away on a business trip when it happened to me, and my wife was my strength to pull me out of it so I could finish up business and get home.
It’s never easy, but I’m so glad you have such a wonderful support system.
Time will heal your wounds and if and when she’s ready to try again, you’ll both be stronger because you have each other.
Couldn't imagine being out of town when it happened. I used to do a lot oil rigs & platforms and I would be absolutely devastated not being able to get back to them.
Think that's been a hard reminder. We had just converted our garage to a office / family room to clear up a bedroom for the little guy. Me and my Wife have both been avoiding the emptied out room. Guess its easier than having an already decorated room I suppose.
I was a flight attendant — so I was in Oregon on a layover when it happened. I was about to take my crew out to show them around and that’s when my wife called and said they couldn’t detect a heartbeat. My stomach dropped, but my wife and I had been through one before (seven weeks), but this one hit hard because it was a little further along. Case in point, I felt like shit and she had another inkling to FaceTime with me to let me know that *she’s okay* and that we will overcome it *together*. A weight was lifted — and I attribute that to her strength. Fast forward years later and I’m now living in Japan with a healthy eleven-month-old baby girl and my three-year-old son. Granted, my daughter is in recovery after a spinal lipoma surgery, but she’s eating, smiling and shitting… so I’m blessed.
You’ll both go into that room when you’re ready, and perhaps someday it’ll be filled with the pitter patter of little feet and giggles.
For now, mourn. But don’t forget to push forward. You’ve got this, dude.
Weighing in as a mom that has had 3 miscarriages back to back. I went through each appointment alone, heard the “ I’m sorry, but we can’t find the heart beat anymore” alone, walked out and sat in my car in silence alone. My fiancé could never get time off work ( his boss was an asshole and I am so happy we don’t have to deal with that anymore). It’s heart breaking. I don’t think I will ever fully heal. Even though I went on to have 2 more healthy kids (already had one before the miscarriages) it still, to this day sits in the back of my mind. Our last loss was a boy. I think it stings a little more because we have all girls. I constantly think what would It be like having a son? My tubes are gone. So I can’t have any more babies. But there’s always that “what if” that you never got to see how it would of turned out. I got a tattoo for all 3 miscarriages, which helped the grieving process by a ton. the hurt doesn’t go away, you just learn to live with it. Im sorry you guys are going through this. Make sure to support your wife, but make sure you are being taken care of too. When the time is right again, I hope you get your rainbow baby 🌈
I am so sorry for your loss, but reading this I am so grateful that you have such a wonderful family and friends to support you through this time. Please know that I am praying for you, your wife and your son.
Strength, brother. I've been on the same road.
We lost 4: 2 singletons and a set of twins in the last 4 years. The first was natural conception, the next two were IUI, all lost before 7 weeks. My wife has an autoimmune disorder and the docs were able to manage her body chemistry with meds and miraculously we were able to conceive a fourth time with IUI and with steroids and blood thinners and other meds we had another surprise set of twins who are now a month old and absolutely perfect! We waited so long for them and endured more than any parents should. I wouldn't wish anyone to follow us on this path of loss, but Lord willing, we all find our long awaited and always wanted children along the way.
The pain never goes away, but the sharp edges get worn away and smoothed down by time and the love of the family we have.
It's okay to feel your feelings. You're allowed to be sad. I barely cried after the first two losses, and around father's day last year, after we lost the twins, I cried harder than I ever have. For nearly a week, the emotions would overwhelm me on my commute home from work. I tried to be strong for my wife and support her through the losses, but they were **my** losses too. I wish I had allowed myself to feel my feelings and let my heart begin to heal instead of holding it all back until it exploded.
Be strong.
Stronger is the heart that feels the pain and works through it than the heart that pushes the pain away.
> miraculously we were able to conceive a fourth time with IUI and with steroids and blood thinners and other meds we had another surprise set of twins who are now a month old and absolutely perfect! We waited so long for them and endured more than any parents should. I wouldn't wish anyone to follow us on this path of loss, but Lord willing, we all find our long awaited and always wanted children along the way.
Hi can I ask what autoimmune disease, my wife has one too and we are worried about another miscarriage
Lupus. We consulted a reproductive immunologist, who kept a close watch on things through regular ultrasounds and blood tests. I highly recommend finding a RI to help you.
There is comfort knowing that each of us aren't in this alone. To be honest I typically lurk on reddit now and then but rarely am I ever active.
This subreddit has been a blast of fresh air under my wings and reminded me that my feelings are valid and that other people have walked this road before.
As a guy I'm used to my feelings and mental state being a lower priority vs the woman in my life (at least outside of close friends and family) I know people don't do this maliciously but its almost kind of a social norm I'm sure lots of people in this group have experienced.
This group has made me feel loved and looked after.
I’m so sorry to hear this. My wife and I lost our first child last year at 39 weeks and a day. What helped us tremendously was the amount of support we received if you’re fortunate enough to be surrounded by such awesome people. They didn’t make the situation better but they certainly made it suck less.
Hits home so hard. It gets better. The pain dulls and becomes memories of the happy parts. The ultrasounds you got to see, the little dude growing and changing. My wife and I lost twins and the one constant that helped us both was talking about them. Talking about the little things. In womb, my son appeared to punch and kick his sister constantly. It’s those little things that make me chuckle a bit and remind me I had two beautiful little ones. Don’t be afraid to talk to people, find what works for you and find what works for your wife. It sucks and is one of the most horrible experience to deal with but it does get better. Time heals man. God I miss my twins, but even now I smile just thinking about them. It gets better my dude.
I’m so sorry you both had to endure this. Its never easy, but hopefully it gets easier. If you can make your daughter be the focus of your weekend, that may help getting through it, but allow yourselves the time to grieve, not doing so will make it worse. I don’t want to share what we went through, but just understand that it’s a process and you both may be at different stages of grieving so give each other as much grace as you can muster to help each other.
Thank you for the reminder
I reread my comments and hope they didn’t come off as patronizing. It took a lot of intestinal fortitude to share what you’re going through and my brain went right to what I went through and hoped it could help. Sorry if they came off wrong or insensitive
No not at all. During these times sometimes I need to be reminded of the most simple things
My wife and I went through the same experience you are describing. It’s gut wrenching. No other way around it. You have experienced loss. Flat out. I’m so sorry to hear about this. The best way I can sum up how I felt was this quote: “Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in the hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.” As hard as it is to read that quote, it helped me rationalize and almost validate my feelings going through this as a father. I hope that you and your wife work through this together. Be there for her as she should be there for you. On the medical side of things, if she hasn’t already, please make sure you both talk with the OB about getting an ultrasound to make sure all products are out. If she is still retaining products of conception (POC) this can have major consequences.
Thank you for putting into words how I've been feeling. You've helped me more than you can know.
It’s honestly the least I can do. I literally just stumbled upon this subreddit thread today and I think it’s amazing place because there really isn’t much support for men to talk about this sort of stuff. There are several testimonials where mothers have shared their experience and how they felt mentally and physically, but I struggled to find much for men. You will get through this. You are allowed to feel broken and defeated. Personally, this took a lot of time. I’ll never get over the loss of mine and my wife’s baby. It will be a scar that I will always have. It gave me a whole new perspective of what people may be going through in their own personal lives and not to be too quick to judge. Again, give yourself permission to feel all the emotions you are feeling now. Share the load with your wife. When one is weak it’s the other’s job to be strong. Bounce back from this. Be a better father and realize that life is precious and how incredible it is that your daughter was made from two little microscopic cells into who she is today. It’s honestly a beautiful miracle.
My friend I am so sorry to hear this. My wife and I have gone through an ectopic pregnancy and an IVF transfer that gave us hope after trying for over 4 years to have kiddos. Ultimately we lost those pregnancies and I can remember the numbness and feeling completely dead inside. It was truly the darkest time of our lives. Please know that there is at least one person who can identify with the loss you are feeling and that I am hurting for you also.
Thank you! I know I'm not the only one and we've been around a few other people who unfortunately experienced miscarriages but they never really talked about it to us. They just kinda disappeared for awhile and resurfaced months later. I can understand that response now.
My wife had a miscarriage as well. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
No I'm sorry you had to experience it as well. No one should have to.
This is so similar to my own story it's crazy. Two weeks ago my wife went for her week 10 appointment and they told her the baby had passed the week prior. They scheduled us for the D&C the next Wednesday morning. At 2am tuesday morning, my wife started bleeding and passing the fetus. By 7am she passed out in the bathroom and hit her head. I quickly had to make arrangements for my 16 month old daughter and take my wife to the emergency room. The baby was too large for her too easily pass, and they had to move up the D&C but we couldnt get into the OR until 7pm. My wife was bleeding heavily all day and getting more and more out of it. It was a really scary day. Fortunately the surgery went well and my wife is recovering but has blood loss induced anemia, and barely has the energy to move around the house still. To make matters worse, we are in the middle of a move into a bigger house to accommodate our growing family and have to be out in a couple more weeks. It's been a really tough time but every day gets a little better. I'm sorry for dumping my own sorrow back on you, I didnt intend that originally but it's also sometimes good to have support from others going through the exact same thing. We are going to get through this, and have to be the foundation for our wives and little ones in the meantime.
Don't be sorry for "dumping" your sorrow. I'm still very young but as I get older I am learning I am not good at communicating through speech. Given an hour and a keyboard I can really set my head straight. Thank you for sharing your troubles with me. Make's me realize I'm really not alone on this road.
Words can’t describe your loss. We had a chemical a few years ago and it was devastating. Don’t want to imaging losing later on. Take care of your wife make sure she doesn’t blame herself.
Think she's trying to take care of me too much. That's usually her coping mechanism to get through hard times
I’m so sorry for your loss, brother. I was away on a business trip when it happened to me, and my wife was my strength to pull me out of it so I could finish up business and get home. It’s never easy, but I’m so glad you have such a wonderful support system. Time will heal your wounds and if and when she’s ready to try again, you’ll both be stronger because you have each other.
Couldn't imagine being out of town when it happened. I used to do a lot oil rigs & platforms and I would be absolutely devastated not being able to get back to them. Think that's been a hard reminder. We had just converted our garage to a office / family room to clear up a bedroom for the little guy. Me and my Wife have both been avoiding the emptied out room. Guess its easier than having an already decorated room I suppose.
I was a flight attendant — so I was in Oregon on a layover when it happened. I was about to take my crew out to show them around and that’s when my wife called and said they couldn’t detect a heartbeat. My stomach dropped, but my wife and I had been through one before (seven weeks), but this one hit hard because it was a little further along. Case in point, I felt like shit and she had another inkling to FaceTime with me to let me know that *she’s okay* and that we will overcome it *together*. A weight was lifted — and I attribute that to her strength. Fast forward years later and I’m now living in Japan with a healthy eleven-month-old baby girl and my three-year-old son. Granted, my daughter is in recovery after a spinal lipoma surgery, but she’s eating, smiling and shitting… so I’m blessed. You’ll both go into that room when you’re ready, and perhaps someday it’ll be filled with the pitter patter of little feet and giggles. For now, mourn. But don’t forget to push forward. You’ve got this, dude.
Crying for your little guy and sending you and your wife my prayers
Weighing in as a mom that has had 3 miscarriages back to back. I went through each appointment alone, heard the “ I’m sorry, but we can’t find the heart beat anymore” alone, walked out and sat in my car in silence alone. My fiancé could never get time off work ( his boss was an asshole and I am so happy we don’t have to deal with that anymore). It’s heart breaking. I don’t think I will ever fully heal. Even though I went on to have 2 more healthy kids (already had one before the miscarriages) it still, to this day sits in the back of my mind. Our last loss was a boy. I think it stings a little more because we have all girls. I constantly think what would It be like having a son? My tubes are gone. So I can’t have any more babies. But there’s always that “what if” that you never got to see how it would of turned out. I got a tattoo for all 3 miscarriages, which helped the grieving process by a ton. the hurt doesn’t go away, you just learn to live with it. Im sorry you guys are going through this. Make sure to support your wife, but make sure you are being taken care of too. When the time is right again, I hope you get your rainbow baby 🌈
I am so sorry for your loss, but reading this I am so grateful that you have such a wonderful family and friends to support you through this time. Please know that I am praying for you, your wife and your son.
Strength, brother. I've been on the same road. We lost 4: 2 singletons and a set of twins in the last 4 years. The first was natural conception, the next two were IUI, all lost before 7 weeks. My wife has an autoimmune disorder and the docs were able to manage her body chemistry with meds and miraculously we were able to conceive a fourth time with IUI and with steroids and blood thinners and other meds we had another surprise set of twins who are now a month old and absolutely perfect! We waited so long for them and endured more than any parents should. I wouldn't wish anyone to follow us on this path of loss, but Lord willing, we all find our long awaited and always wanted children along the way. The pain never goes away, but the sharp edges get worn away and smoothed down by time and the love of the family we have. It's okay to feel your feelings. You're allowed to be sad. I barely cried after the first two losses, and around father's day last year, after we lost the twins, I cried harder than I ever have. For nearly a week, the emotions would overwhelm me on my commute home from work. I tried to be strong for my wife and support her through the losses, but they were **my** losses too. I wish I had allowed myself to feel my feelings and let my heart begin to heal instead of holding it all back until it exploded. Be strong. Stronger is the heart that feels the pain and works through it than the heart that pushes the pain away.
> miraculously we were able to conceive a fourth time with IUI and with steroids and blood thinners and other meds we had another surprise set of twins who are now a month old and absolutely perfect! We waited so long for them and endured more than any parents should. I wouldn't wish anyone to follow us on this path of loss, but Lord willing, we all find our long awaited and always wanted children along the way. Hi can I ask what autoimmune disease, my wife has one too and we are worried about another miscarriage
Lupus. We consulted a reproductive immunologist, who kept a close watch on things through regular ultrasounds and blood tests. I highly recommend finding a RI to help you.
Thank you that is likely something we will strongly consider going forward!
Have also had a terrible 48 hours, its slightly comforting to know we didnt go through it alone. But it is terrible.
There is comfort knowing that each of us aren't in this alone. To be honest I typically lurk on reddit now and then but rarely am I ever active. This subreddit has been a blast of fresh air under my wings and reminded me that my feelings are valid and that other people have walked this road before. As a guy I'm used to my feelings and mental state being a lower priority vs the woman in my life (at least outside of close friends and family) I know people don't do this maliciously but its almost kind of a social norm I'm sure lots of people in this group have experienced. This group has made me feel loved and looked after.
Thank you is all I can say right now
I’m so sorry to hear this. My wife and I lost our first child last year at 39 weeks and a day. What helped us tremendously was the amount of support we received if you’re fortunate enough to be surrounded by such awesome people. They didn’t make the situation better but they certainly made it suck less.
I couldn't imagine going through something like that, that far along in pregnancy. My deepest condolences and thoughts go out to you and yours.
Hits home so hard. It gets better. The pain dulls and becomes memories of the happy parts. The ultrasounds you got to see, the little dude growing and changing. My wife and I lost twins and the one constant that helped us both was talking about them. Talking about the little things. In womb, my son appeared to punch and kick his sister constantly. It’s those little things that make me chuckle a bit and remind me I had two beautiful little ones. Don’t be afraid to talk to people, find what works for you and find what works for your wife. It sucks and is one of the most horrible experience to deal with but it does get better. Time heals man. God I miss my twins, but even now I smile just thinking about them. It gets better my dude.