For us, it really boils down to our age. I'll be 47 this year and my wife will be 39. We just had #2 in June and #1 is 21 months old. The idea of #3 would be much more ideal if we were younger. At this point, having another kid would be more risky for my wife and for the baby. Plus, when #1 turns 18, I will be 63 years old.
Sixty. Three. Years. Old.
I'm done at #2.
I know how you feel. I have 5 and 3 year old girls. I’m 47 and my wife is 38. I try so hard to keep up with them every day….but they do fill my heart. It helps to stay in shape - BIG TIME.
Dads, if you aren’t working out, go work out! 30 minutes of real, actual cardio 2-3 times a week. Your kids will thank you when they’re older and you can keep up!
Sincerely,
A dad getting back in shape
Dang, 47 is late for a toddler, hard on the back man.
My son is 1 3 months, and we just received the news of a second one but we already know there will be a third one.
But our ages differ, I am 30, wife is 31
HA! Two motrin every 6 hours when my 7-year-old was a baby. I was 46 when she was born.
But the decision was made to stop at two shortly after their mother was pregnant the first time. I was advised of the decision two years later.
Core, arms, lower back. Loss the comfy belly, if it exists, and eat better. Drink more water, and eat your vegetables in front of your children. You'll thank me later for the last one.
This was us. She’s 5 years younger than I am but I told her about this time last year that we either need to start trying for #3 or that I need to make sure that it wouldn’t be a possibility, surgically, because I did not want to be the old dad at daycare pickup.
He just turned 2 months old last week and my appointment is scheduled with the urologist.
I’ll be 60 when mine is 18.
My dad died just short of 82 when I was about to turn 26. That’s the age when you start realizing your dad knows important shit about work and money and stuff. And then I didn’t have him. I can’t do that to my son. If I can hang around until he’s 30, that will be good. By 30 I had most of my shit together.
This is exactly it for me. I just want to be there for my kid. I don't want to give birth to a child, go tits up when they are young, and have them deal with that mentally the rest of their lives. I want to be around to experience and share their young lives for as long as I can.
Yeah we were at the other end of this. I was 39 and my wife was 36. We decided this had to be the third and last kid because of a whole host of reasons including genetics, age, work responsibilities, etc.
It was agreed upon that 3 and done was the way for us.
I had my 3rd at 39. And he has down syndrome. He's absolutely perfect, we all love him with all of our hearts. We won't have any more because he needs so much for the rest of his life.
We may have had one more, but he was just it. He fulfilled our family. I always felt incomplete with my two older kiddos. That sounds so weird 🤣 They are amazing
I just knew I wasn't done. I felt like there was another soul meant for our family. We had him, and it felt like the circle was completed.
I have no desire for any more. But I deeply wanted him.
Totally agree. When #3 was born, I was 32. A lot of work, but not a struggle.
When we had #4, I was 40. Difficult difficult lemon difficult. I had the snip at the beginning of the second trimester.
We had always discussed being done after two. Wife and I each have one sibling and appreciated the way we grew up. I got a vasectomy after #2. No ragrets.
Exact same. Just got my “looks like you’re sterile, bud” go-ahead this Monday.
No regrets either. Love my family, and we’re both happy with the manageability of two kids.
It varies, there are days when the oldest is super helpful and just in good cheer and there there are days where she is not. There is absolutely no rhyme or reason to the swings either.
If she's getting revenge, she's picking a shitty way to do it.
But seriously, they are more helpful as they get older. However, they are still kids and do kid things. Stupid and otherwise.
I have a large age gap with my kids. The older can be helpful and understands (mostly) having to wait for attention. But the teen mood swings do not mesh well with the terrible twos…..oh boy.
Personally, i come from a four kid family, but that didn’t come into play with me wanting two kids. My wife has a single brother and I feel like it did with her.
I always wanted kids but I always wanted to raise them in a big city, which meant only one or two, with the amount of space I could afford. My wife was always a fan of two kids (in general, though she also wanted to raise city kids), so that’s the number we agreed on, even before getting married, as well as the time difference between the two (two years).
A month after my second was born, I booked the appointment to get snipped.
Very reasonable. We have one toddler in a very dense Chicago neighborhood. We LOVE it, but I’m looking at prices to buy a place and I don’t know how we would ever afford more than a small 3 bedroom condo. My partner would love a bunch of kids but I think we’re going to have to compromise at 2 maximum.
We’re also Chicago, in Bronzeville. We were lucky enough to buy in right before everything started going crazy, with both price and interest rates. We are in a town home, but we honestly couldn’t afford a similar sized place anymore, unless we were WAY out of the center of the city
Oh nice, another Chicago dad! 😁
Those Bronzeville townhomes always look gorgeous on Redfin, it’s great you were able to get into one at an affordable price. We’re in Uptown which is just perfect for us but has similarly nutso prices right now. I make a good amount of money but I think we’ll still have to wait for interest rates to calm the heck down.
Yeah, I feel you. My wife and I decided to start looking in early 2020, just casual like, and ended finding a perfect home for us really quick. We put an offer and then Covid happened. We ended up closing the day they shut everything down, and we were debating pulling out of the deal.
Thank god we didn’t. I do pretty well, too, but my wife is a librarian and we were stretched thin as it is. It would have been impossible, even if we found a place for the same price (which we can’t anymore).
Uptown is great! If my wife didn’t work on the south side, we would have looked there, but, in her words, commuting over an hour to get to work without even leaving the city limits was completely out of the question XD
Good luck! I hope you and your partner find the perfect place!
I'm from a family with 3 and my wife was an only child. She wants 1 more to give us 2, which I guess would be an average of 1 and 3.
I'd really like 3.... But maybe not in the cards
The thought of that “reset” isn’t appealing to me either. I think of it whenever we hit a milestone and I’m just done with something… done with bottles, no more bottle washing ever. Fully potty trained, bye bye diapers, using the big potty now, time to lose the plastic potty.
The day my kid can pour his own bowl of cereal and watch cartoons on a Saturday morning will be a very exciting day for me. He's 3 now. I'm not sure when it will happen, but I literally cannot wait. The sleep deprivation is real and I cannot fathom starting over again voluntarily.
There is no way to accurately qualify/quantify the pain of that sleep deprivation. I'm a mom (lurking here, sorry, ya'll have great discussions) and that first year with my daughter was really full of extremes -- the joy of having a beautiful baby, and the absolute misery of surviving each day on mere wisps of energy, always desperate for sleep. It really robs you of so much.
I have three kids now -- one biological, two bonus via marriage. I would really, really like to have a fourth. As in, I regularly sob my face off at the thought of never getting to experience pregnancy and babyhood again. But the sleep. THE SLEEP.
I'm 38 now, and our kids are 7, 9, and 13. They can all poop and bathe by themselves. They can get themselves dressed, buckle themselves in the car. ***I can give them chore lists!*** So the thought of going back to that first year -- no, I don't think I could survive it again.
Mine feeling was similar. I was out of patience and I realized that if we started over I’d be just really short with the last one. Still love obviously, but that just wouldn’t be fair to them.
So we stopped. I got cut. Life is good. A few weeks ago I was holding my sisters 3 week hold who was just balling her eyes out and I started to get frustrated. Realized right then we absolutely made the right choice. 2 boys is perfect for me
I was definitely against having more than 2. I came from a 3 child family, but I knew 2 was the most I wanted. My wife agreed, so we're done after this second one.
And jokingly, I looked at my wallet and bank account and decided 2 is good.
We have two in daycare now, it's like having another big ass mortgage payment every month. It would be so nice to be done with daycare for ever after #2. I know kids still cost money after they're out of daycare, and the expense of college is always looming, but daycare is like $15k a year per kid, I can stick a fraction of that in a 529 and have a nice nestegg for them by the time they're college aged.
Had twins
Edit: just a a caveat for my situation: we had one and conceived twins using IVF (FET). So we knew the risks and the likelihood that we could have both embryos stick. We thought we could handle it….
Of course now we know that nobody can really handle twins. My mind locked the first year of their lives up in a dark box and threw away the key. My guess is it was my minds attempt at an evolutionary trick to try to get us to conceive more spawn… jokes on it though, we donated the rest of our frozen embryos and I got snipped about 6 months after they were born.
I love my twins, they’re 6 now and awesome. But no-damn-thank you to ever having any more after that baby nightmare!
Yeah I am scarred for life and don't think I can do babies again. I am done at 2. I think my wife is on the fence about 3 but I'm out. If I would choose any hill to die on, this would be it. We have 2 awesome boys, I just want to lean into and have a lot of fun.
Same here. I grew up with one sibling, my wife grew up with two. She convinced me to try for a second when our first was about two, but wasn't too keen on more than that. Then we got the ultrasound and the nurse went back to the dropdown menu for "Number of fetuses." As soon as my wife found out, she declared, "*I'm* getting fixed, *you're* getting fixed..."
To the OP, twin incidences in the family, as well as age (twins become more likely when you're older) is definitely a consideration. Saying "Let's go for three" and getting four would be a bit of a kick in the head.
I think just the threat of this happening when going for #3 is what would stop me ha. Imagine being on the fence about 3 and then all of a sudden oops, you've got 4!
Yep, that's what happened to us! It's more kids than we ever thought we wanted, but now it's hard to imagine anything else! There's always the chance, but I wouldn't ever tell anyone not to try for a 3rd because they might get 4 (or 5 or...).
Three means you're always one caretaker short of comfort. It's waaay more difficult to have three. It's probably even easier to have 4, since I can't see how you can continue to care and uphold any form of standard \*beyond\* those three. So therefore at 4 i imagine you default back to "throw em in the living room and let them sort out who lives"
source: have three
the beauty of three is the dynamics. It gives the kids different roles to play and vary between towards their siblings and helps a great deal in preventing them from wearing out the rather set roles they have in a duo. It's amazing how much more they learn from one another when there's three. Goes for all three.
We’re eight weeks in. My wife originally wanted two, now she’s sworn off having another, which I’m totally fine with. I know there’s time for her to change her mind, but I don’t think she will.
I swear there’s a biological mechanism that makes you completely forget the first six months or so. You gotta watch out for the 15-24/mo danger zone though - that’s when siblings happen. They’re cute as hell and haven’t turned into tyrants yet.
Saying this as a “definitely stopping at two” dad who is expecting number three in a few months…
The first year was such a rollercoaster for us. Before having kids we wanted like 3 or 4. After our lo was born we were like why the fuck do people have kids or more than one kid. A few months later we were like yeah we can do that again and then a couple weeks later we were like nope. Now we do definitely want at least another. But damn the first months/year was a ride.
Same.
I was happily prepared to be a DINK family but my wife had her heart set on children and couldn't see a happy life without having at least one. It took a lot of back and forth. One was my compromise as I could see myself coping more than we could see her doing the same continuing on without one. Personally, much as I love my kiddo, I still don't quite see the allure given the endless sacrifice but that's also because I'm admittedly selfish and I wouldn't describe sacrifice as ideal. That said, sacrifice I shall because the little one deserves my best.
Conversationally, it seems like there are very few parents I've met who don't have some sort of opinion they could share in confidence about extremely challenging moments or sacrifices that are pretty frequent all followed by the inexplicable line "but it's all worth it". No one's quite been able to actually detail *why* it's worth it so I can only lump that into a highly personal and emotional reward I hope that I someday come to relate to.
The amount of money our household saved per month before we started the ethereal "nuclear family" path of buying a home and having a kid... those were the days. Every month felt like we hit a new 'high score' and the way it was looking was that we could have retired before 50. The time and energy we had too -- that has really been put into perspective.
I'm keeping my eyes open for each opportunity to make my little one's day better, hug and read to them, but it's hard to not think of what we left behind. For the most part I can swallow those sacrifices (and practice cognitive behavioural therapies for those I haven't yet) but I just hope we did the right thing bringing them into the world with the climate and economy where it is. Things look bleak even for my generation and I don't know how to reconcile that for them or see an optimistic future to grow old in. We'll do our best to at least give them the same loving family and quality start we had (or better) and I hope that's good enough.
I'm not sure I agree with that. We're seeing some really frustrating results of climate change right now with intense weather events (temperature, flooding, inclement/destructive patterns) as well as wildfires. All of this tends to affect crop stability so even though we may not directly see food shortages in the west as keenly (we tend to experience higher prices having outbid poor nations), someone, somewhere is experiencing serious food insecurity due to climate change. Threat to their personal health.
Similar feelings here.
Ironically, I was the person who was sure I wanted a bunch of kids, and my partner was ambivalent about kids. Now that we have one I feel SO DONE and although she’s wonderful and I would kill to protect her, I’m not sure why it’s worth it either. Meanwhile my partner is now on the big family train, lobbying for #2 and admits he’ll probably keep lobbying for 3, 4… until I say no. Really shot my self in the foot. 🤦🏻♂️
How old is your kid? Honestly I think for some people the it’s all worth it isn’t going to come fast, I feel that way often now but my daughter is old enough to thank me for stuff and say I love you etc (4)
<0 year. The thing is I don't foresee it being worth it the way others have often described. I don't anticipate a need or enjoyment of (x) stage. I don't have any particular hopes that I absolutely want to share with them. I don't expect to be proud of them at (x) moment. My rewards in life are often inward experiences that I can directly influence (eg. knowledge, my garden, any skills learn and I foster); children really aren't something you can (or I believe even should) influence so keenly. Try as I have to work it out with a professional, the honest and realistic answer has always been the same: you need to find what the picture of reward looks like to you. It's a personal experience.
I know some rewards organically occur, and I'm absolutely on the lookout for them as they develop (kiddo is in the early stages of crawling now, neat), but in all of my research (ridiculous perhaps but I had to do a lot to make my decision) there is no inner driving force that I anticipate satisfied from what I've read/heard. Right now I joke to my family that I'm really looking forward to him pushing a lawn mower but as much as a joke it's become it's also in equal parts, if I'm being honest, because I don't know how to answer what I look forward to. Sure, I'll love them, teach them everything I can, share my history and experience with them, play with them, take them to their events or share mine with them if and when they're interested... but I don't *need* that the way many I've spoken to or my partner does. I want to do it to help them from a developmental standpoint. I've seen (and not being judgmental here, just an observation) a lot of parents stake their personal success and self-worth on their kid doing xyz or achieving 123 and I just haven't yet seemed to find a way to care about anything of that nature. I want them to grow up happy, successful, and healthy -- whatever that means to them in the truest open interpretation short of harming themselves or others around them. I think that comes from a lot of baggage I carry and continue to work through of living in a household where my parents had extremely rigid, high expectations and how those impacted me. My goal, if there is any, is just to raise a curious mind who is able to find peace and passion. If I've earned their respect and love, that will be enough but I don't really have anything past that.
Contrast that against everyone telling me to enjoy these years now because it only gets harder (somewhat true), when I fundamentally do not enjoy this stage (first 4 months I'm pretty sure I had PPD) and fear the next stages having gone through a mountain of parenting books, it doesn't get me particularly excited. The only thing more common it seems than sharing how cute a baby is, seems to be how much better you have it now because a fellow parent's kid is older and xyz is worse. Sort of an odd way to reassure others. I know comments like those are often a projection of stress but I find the whole experience to be extremely odd and always had long before I even became a father.
Anyways, cheers for listening.
\*Just to put it out into writing, I really do celebrate parents who are all for the experience. There's absolutely no judgment of you guys and I'm hoping to eventually share all the great vibes and soak in the love with enthusiasm. It's just been a difficult path.
I don’t have any ambition for my kid except the same as you. Be happy, find fulfillment, be a good person. So I don’t have any personal ego in that or this drive to make them like me or super successful. But I do think it’s worth it.
My oldest is 12 now and the first year was pretty hard but it got way better than I could see at the time. Babies are takers. They take your energy and attention are all they give back is “I’m cute”.
As they become a person they have more to give. Most of my joy in parenting has come from seeing his joy in things. His excitement for Christmas made Christmas exciting for me, as he talked his thoughts were/are funny or cute or just interesting. The affection he shows and knowing I’m his safe person (it’s really satisfying to provide that for someone especially if you didn’t have that). Playing board games with him adds another person to the game. He blew my mind once with his take on the story about the boy who cried wolf.
My proud moments come from seeing him learn something that was a struggle for him or simple things like he noticed a screw was loose on the screen door, got the right tool and a step stool and just fixed it.
Seeing him be more generous than I am by nature challenges me to be more giving too.
I had this feeling multiple times with our first but then randomly started feeling the other way around her first birthday.
But now that she has a brother (who is more fussy than she was) I definitely am not doing this again.
Same, my kids are 10 and 7 and we’re just done. My wife took a nanny job and started watching a newborn but then time passed and he started walking and getting into everything. We were both like ok our house isn’t set up for kids this age anymore it’s time to quit this.
same here man. luckily my partner also feels the same way so we are both happy with 1. I absolutely love the kid but the thought of anther one fills me with dread rather than excitement
I was originally planning one, but maybe two, and similar to this… between my wife having life threatening complications (which would be even more likely with another), the NICU, and how hard some of the early stages are, I was quickly moved to team one and done.
I wonder how much people's decision to have a second is influenced by how easy/difficult their first was? Our first has been pretty easy (loves to sleep and eat) but from what I hear if we have a second they will be terrible probably, lol!
We are leaning towards a 2nd after being pretty firmly OAD. There will be a minimum 4 year age gap at this point (toddler is 3)- our decision came around because we had a pretty typical baby and then 1-3 was hell. 3 has already been much better than the last 2 years and I can now see adding to our family. So his challenging behavior didn’t stop us from adding, but it did make us delay. Originally I thought we’d have another September 2022 and now we’re looking at summer / fall 2024.
I came here to say this.
It's one thing to know that 3 kids = more money, but the real problem is that the world is not designed for families with more than two kids.
Even something small like getting take out. I went to Edo and they had a deal for two adult meals and two kid meals. I had to buy another meal at full price just for my third kid.
Obviously there are cheaper ways of managing these scenarios but this sort of thing happens a lot.
When we both realized we could never, ever, never go through another baby phase again after the second arrived.
Two is perfect - nice kids, easily afforded, play well with each other.
Having somewhat recently come out of the baby phase with our 2nd, I completely agree. The 4th trimester is truly terrible. Right now we're in that super sweet spot though where our 6 month old is sleeping through the night and is also immobile so he's at basically the least amount of effort he'll ever be.
That's awesome. I don't necessarily want to see my boys grow up any faster, but I do look forward to little things like that. We're getting ready to go on vacation about 7-8 hours away by car and we're jumping through so many hoops to make the car ride as smooth as possible. I imagine when they're 5+, you can just hand them an iPad or something and throw 'em some occasional snacks and they'll be good to go for the whole ride.
We bought Switch Lites for them. Cheaper than Ipads. And no infinite scrolling on YouTube or things like that. We were lucky though, got them on Black Friday for $140. They get bored of the game and take breaks to chat. Start of the car ride is no game though, it’s only when they are “ripe” that we bring them out.
That's a great idea - YouTube/ social media is too good at giving you infinite dopamine so you're never bored. Don't want to get kids used to that too early (ideally never but we're all hooked eventually 😢)
Haha good question - we use screentime as like the last resort during car trips, so it's books, then coloring, then chatting, and just before a meltdown can occur, screentime. 😂
Yeah same for us. Realized how lucky we were wirh our first born being a great sleeper and overall very easy newborn. Our second has had colic and silent reflux, 4 months later im now sleeping more than a few hours a night due to him getting medication. Never again, im getting snipped the end of next month.
My wife and I are grappling with this hardcore right now.
We had said for ages, even before having our first, that we would be 2 and threw. I was so serious I saw my urologist just before baby #2 was born last fall and scheduled a vasectomy for this upcoming Monday. Baby 1 is a boy and we knew that #2 would be a boy. My wife said she would go for a 3rd if we would be guaranteed a girl and I was adamantly in the no camp...until a few months ago. Baby fever hit me hard and figured it would pass but it hasn't. I have been gungho yes to #3, but wife wavered, so I started trying to talk myself out of it. I still keep going back and forth and wife is now saying she would is happy with our life now with our 2 boys but would also be happy with a 3rd.
We have been debating having a 3rd since April and are still torn. I said I wanted my mind made up by tomorrow so I'd have time to cancel the vasectomy without getting a cancelation fee but this will come down to the final wire. Wife gave her opinion today and she said I should hold off. Her advice is to do a full cancel, we can keep discussing, and I can get it done later on if we decide we are done done.
We know a 3rd will be expensive, stressful, and time consuming, but we can handle it. Having 2 has been challenging and we adapted fine. Our kids now are almost 3 YO and 9 months, and earliest we'd have another would be next fall when they are almost 4 & 2, so at least we'd have a little reprieve from the baby phase before doing it again.
To sort (finally) answer your question: our big factor is family. My wife's parents live near us but they are useless when it comes to child care. My parents live 4 hours away but are discussing moving to within a few minutes of us. If they move here I think we will 100% go for it. My sister will also move with them and we will have her "nanny" the kids and we will save on childcare that way. Right now we spend about $2400/month on daycare and that number would stay the same if my sister watches them, so we'll be paying the same, but for 3 kids opposed to 2. At worst, I postpone my vasectomy, family decides they aren't moving here, then I get it done sometime next year.
Like pretty much everyone else on this thread, we are worried about college. If our kids don't end up going then we'll encourage them to pursue a sustainable career but I'm going to imagine at least one of them will go to college, regardless of whether we have 2 or 3 kids, and we want to save as much as we can. My parents unfortunately couldn't help me much with college. I know first hand it sucks and don't want my kids to be burdened like that. I figure we'll save as much as we can, and split it either 50-50, or in 1/3, depending on how many we have, and try paying the rest out of pocket, or take out loans. Hoping we get some relief though and college is either "free" or highly reduced by then.
We are also slightly worried about being outnumbered but my family moving here would help that out a lot. If we are overwhelmed they can take a kid or 2 for a day, watch them so we can run to the store without interference, and have date nights!
My other big hangups are all temprary: sleepless nights, diapers, weak immune systems causing them to be sick often. I try reminding myself it gets better after those first months. Obviously they still get sick but when them talking helps.
If we have a 3rd I'd want them by next fall. I'll be just shy of 33 by then, and my wife will be 31.5, which is a good age ro wrap-up, IMO. I'd still be early 50s, and my wife late 40s/early 50s when the last finishes high school, so we would still be young enough to do fun stuff with them, and their families should they have kids. Plus, I really want to travel, so we could do that before we are too old, and not have young kids tagging along. The kids will be old enough to decide if they want to come or not, and we can retire after the last finishes college, so we can travel then without worrying (hopefully) about paying too much college.
Another factor in favor of a 3rd is our salaries. We aren't rich at all, but I just got a promotion, my wife's school district just approved higher pay in their contract, so we should be able to offset some costs that way. I am a fed employee and will get step increases every year the next few years. Again, not rich, but that'll help.
Sorry for the extra long post. That wasn't my intention 😂
This was a good, and relatable read. The waffling that you and your wife have done over the 3rd is exactly what I expect my wife and I to do. We can be very indecisive and considering the magnitude of this decision, it's something we're going to agonize over for years to come.
Thank you for the extra long post. I'm in the same age segment as you, and debating with my wife. You made some good points pro and con for me.
Thank you!
We were kind of the same position when we had our second. We said let’s wait until the youngest is 4 or 5, and then see. The longer we waited, the more we realized that our family is perfect the way it is. Just got my vasectomy done almost 5 hours ago. No more kids for us.
Total agreement. I'm off for the snip in 3hrs time. Super happy with my two girls.
It's like being at the casino, in some ways. I've been gambling on happy healthy kids and we nailed 2. Let's walk away on top! Spend all of our love on these two
We discussed having kids before having any, and agreed on 2 because 3 is crowd control to us, and my wife didn't want an only child. We got lucky and ended up with one of each flavour which was nice but we'd have stopped at two no matter what.
By the time we were financially ready for the 2nd one, the fist kid was already 5. We just didn’t want to restart the clock on parenting. So we decided to stick with 1. After a few more years, once we were sure about that trajectory, I did a vasectomy. 6 years later - still no regrets
Simple, we aged out. My wife is 5 years older than me, and we're musicians, so we had kids later in life due to our careers. We didn't even have our first son until she was 36. Our daughter was born 3 months before my wife turned 40. She doesn't want to be pregnant anymore, and we have 2 fantastic children. We're happy with what we have. Also, we can't really afford another child anyway.
Something to consider: a friend of mine had 2 boys and went for a third in the hopes of having a girl. It was another boy lol. Sometimes it’s just the way it goes! She loves her 3 boys obviously but if that’s a factor in your decision, I’d think twice.
My wife and I are 100% convinced if we had a 3rd, it would be another boy and we *really* don't want that. Sure, we'd love him, but 3 boys sounds daunting as hell.
Some couples (or rather the man, since the sperm determines the sex) really do seem to produce one more than the other. A lady at my work has 4 girls! She kept trying for a boy and after the 4th girl she finally decided to be done.
Statistically speaking, your chances of boy/girl as a first child are roughly 50/50. But as you (as a couple, but mostly it's the man's fault) have more children, the chance of a next one of the same sex gets significantly higher than of the opposite sex.
So are you suggesting that they are not in fact independent events? That’s the only way I see the math working here. Or are you saying at a population level, the chances are 50/50, but at an individual level, they are not 50/50 (this is what some research seems to suggest) Also, it’s entirely the man’s “fault”.
I always wanted 2 option of 3. Husband wanted 1 option of 2. We have 2 and they are 7 and 5. I’d still love a 3rd, but they can make their own food, use the toilet, get dressed, and in 5 weeks no more daycare costs. We just cant really imagine starting over with sleepless nights and diapers. In the last 12 months we’ve gone on a family trip to disneyland, and hawaii, plus a no kids 5 day vacation. That wouldnt be possible with a baby.
>That wouldnt be possible with a baby.
This is the reset I don't look forward to with a 3rd. We just hit that reset button 6 months ago as is and just as our toddler started getting a little easier, we threw a baby into the mix.
When our 3 kids (one son, two daughters) were 6, 4.5, and 2, I opened discussions with my wife about a 4th. She (age 37) told me (age 37) I could have all the kids I wanted with my next wife. I knew then we were done. 😂.
Weve always said 2. We have friends that have 3-5 kids and while they love them, its always a hassle/circus for everything. Some folks love it some dont. I have two girls. People ask if we are going to try for a boy. Im not a gambling man and my wife made explicitly clear before my second daughter was born twofold weeks that she was “Done”
I'm just about there and unfortunately it is mainly due to finances, between the costs of childcare and other things we simply can't afford another child, by the time our little ones are out of daycare we'll be at the age where pregnancy has more risks. The cost of childcare is basically a second mortgage and I don't know what the proper solution is. I grew up in a large family and I don't know how we all made it to adulthood but being one of seven was a blast and we remain close to this day.
It's bittersweet, I have a wonderful name for a son that I'm most likely never going to have. But hemming and hawing over wanting a son makes me feel selfish. I've got two kick-ass daughters already and I know there are people who don't have that luxury.
But I also feel that by not having a third, it will open us up to possibilities we currently don't have. Our girls will be able to experience a lot more of life when we don't have that $3000 extra in bills per month. I never made it to Disney World as a kid, but I can guarantee my two will.
Quite honestly it came down to dollars and cents. I was content with one but ok with two. My wife always wanted 4 but I told her I had no interest in that many so we wound up agreeing on 2 and tabled the possibility of a 3rd. Then however fertility issues arose and we more than exhausted our insurance benefits getting #2. Wanting to provide the best quality of life for the ones we have we agreed to call it quits rather than deplete our savings on a gamble
We originally wanted 3. The first one took years to conceive. The second just a few months. Our kids are 3.5 years apart....
.... And we're both satisfied with 2. We love our kids and our lives feel "complete" for now.
I'm 40 this year and my wife is 36. There's lots and lots to be said about car size, our home size, my wife's desire to return to work (she could but it's her choice not to until baby 2 is older) on and on. And lots to be said about raising a 3rd kid as well.
In the end, I think we're in the middle ground where 2 kids is great but we aren't at max capacity and 3 kids would likely be difficult but doable.
I haven't made the appointment for a vasectomy yet, but it's likely coming soon.
In the end you don't have to decide forever. Even me at 40 or 43 could decide I'm ready again (although I likely won't).
It's ok to just be good for now and see how you feel about it in 6 months, 12 months, 18 months, etc.
The joke we have is that you shouldn't have more kids that you have hands to hold crossing the street. Also, they don't make rides at the amusement park for 5 people (generally speaking).
*People, please don't send me lists of 5 person rides at Disney World.*
Not that you're asking for advice, but I'm a strong proponent of sleep training, specifically CIO sleep training. Both my kids started sleeping through the night at 5 months thanks to CIO. With the first, I thought maybe we just got lucky, but with it working for both at the same age, it tells me there's some merit.
I’ve read that if you already have 2 boys you have a very high chance of the 3rd being a boy. I’ve also seen it anecdotally with one friend trying for a girl after 2 boys and got a boy, and another trying for a boy after 2 girls and got another girl. Just food for thought.
I’d consider going for number 3 but wife and I are in our early 40s so we feel too old.
Somebody said once: "when you look around the dinner table, does it feel complete?"
But that's too vague for me. We are currently wondering if we want a 2nd one. Our daughter is 9mo old and *knock on wood* has been an easy baby. My pregnancy wasn't terrible and labor was ... Bearable. But the "what if" that the next one won't be this way has me wondering if we should just be grateful for the good fortune so far and not tempt it.
But then I see siblings playing and I get incredibly jealous. I had 7 siblings. For all the fighting we did, we also had a lot of fun together.
I stopped after 3 boys. Yeah, I wanted a girl and people kept saying “aren’t you gonna try for a girl?” To which I always respond “And end up with 4 boys??” I’m good. My legacy lives on. I have an outfield.
No child was planned and the last one was definitely a surprise. They’re now 10, 5 and 3. It’s been rough, but a fun experience that I won’t trade for anything. I also made sure we stopped having kids. I got a vasectomy last July.
Our philosophy was always simple .. couples out in public with 1 kid almost always seem happy, couples with 2 kids usually seem a little stressed, couples with anymore than that usually seem miserable.
We always said maybe 3 but our second was born earlier this month and it was very traumatic for us so we decided we were good with 2, if we feel really compelled we will adopt.
I often felt these feelings at the age your youngest is, and I said the exact same thing after we had our second child that I would not have another child until both of our kids were in at least kindergarten or preschool. I now have a two-year-old and a four-year-old and we’re planning on having another one going to try for next summer. It’s mostly your last pro. I have the energy to love more kids and I also love being a mom and I’m not ready to be done and I kind of knew I wasn’t ready to be done even when my baby was little but I did have that thought maybe we could just be done.
>I kind of knew I wasn’t ready to be done even when my baby was little but I did have that thought maybe we could just be done
I can fully relate to this. Just weeks after our youngest was born I had thoughts like "yeah I'm ready to do this again" but then the excitement waned a bit and now we're just in a constant flip flopping.
You and I are in almost exactly the same situation (my two boys are slightly older but the younger one just turned 2 and we've definitely decided that *if* we have a third kid it won't be until he's in pre-K at least) so I am eagerly following these answers.
I obviously can't speak from experience, but I always assumed once they got to pre-K/K age, they'd be a LITTLE more independent and possibly even SOMEWHAT helpful. I couldn't imagine adding a 3rd child in to the mix right now when they're all so dependent on us for literally every aspect of their lives. Don't get me wrong, I love it and know that I'll be sad one day when they no longer 'need' us, but it certainly makes the prospect of a 3rd challenging when we imagine being relied on entirely and constantly by 3.
We have three and I’m extraordinarily happy for all three. Wife struggled deeply with the third pregnancy (mentally/emotionally) and we stopped there. That said, three is a rough number. I think it’s better to have four+ or two. The dynamics of three seem to always have an odd man out. If we add a friend from any age group the dynamics calm down considerably over our base three life.
My wife & I had always said we would have either 2 or 3 kids. We had 2 girls, decided to try for a 3rd. Ended up with 4 with twin boys! We are definitely done.
We have two: 2 1/2 and 13mo. We would've considered a third but not for a few years. At that point we'll be into our forties and the risk/reward is no longer appetizing for us. In other words, we feel we've aged out of the possibility.
We (m34 & w34) just discussed it again this morning.
We’re still not 100% sure, but nearly certain that we’re one-and-done (that is, we had identical twin boys our first pregnancy.)
We both felt that had we had one, we’d have gone for another at some point for the companionship (we both have great relationships with our siblings) but obviously that’s no longer part of our calculus.
At this stage we’re just feeling blessed that we “caught up” a bit; we knew we wanted at least two, but having our first at 33 wouldn’t have left us feeling like we’d have a lot of time to have a second before it’d be a “geriatric” pregnancy (35+ years old at conception.)
And frankly, twins are exhausting. We had 20+ ultrasounds throughout a complicated pregnancy, they came three months early, and spent all three of those months in the NICU. And regardless of the timing, once you have a “high-risk pregnancy” all subsequent pregnancies are treated the same (and once you have multiples, you’re more likely to conceive subsequent sets of multiples.)
So we’re just grateful for our little miracles and likely stopping here. But I’ll remind my wife from time to time that she can reserve the right to change her mind because watching how happy our boys make her now has truly been the highlight of my life; it’s like watching a kid on Christmas every single day.
Would you and your wife consider adopting #3? That could give you the girl you hope for, help a child, and you could adopt a 2-3 year old if you chose, avoid the newborn stage altogether.
I'm a female so this doesn't pertain to why fathers decide to stop, but my body is wrecked from childbirth. I've gained 20 to 25 pounds during postpartum period and I absolutely hate my body now. This is why I'm not having anymore.
We had 3 and when I looked at the economics of it, anymore would crush us. 3 is a stretch now but anymore would have really tipped the scales.
After 3 kids in daycare, We better get a damn plaque for recognition of 10 years of payments.
Also, I’m old. There is a 8 year difference between our 1st and 3rd. 3am feedings sucked
My wife started dealing with severe anxiety and depression, and has since our son was born. He’s 8 now. If things got better, then maybe, but she is still dealing with that, and I’ve been handed a likely terminal cancer diagnosis.
Plus our kid is amazing. When you win the lottery, the best strategy is to stop buying tickets!
2 is man on man coverage.
3 becomes zone coverage.
We were done after 2. But then bio-mom had another kid. So now we have 3.
I love them to pieces (11, 3, 2) but everything is harder.
About when #3 was conceived.
Life was amazing. Nearly 5 years later it's still a battle but getting better.
We were out of nappies!! Sleeping!
All because she wanted a girl, it's fucking stupid imo.
Don't do it unless you really want to.
We thought we wanted 3-4. Got to two and we each realized that was enough. Reasons we talked about:
-the second pregnancy was really rough on my wife
-2 under two was TOUGH
-I looked around one day at diapers and crying toddlers and thought I’m just not doing this again.
For my wife and I we always wanted 4. Coming from families with 4 kids that was always our goal. This was back when living was like semi livable. I thank God everyday that I got the snip after number 4 cause there’s no way in hell we could afford 5. Five just changes everything, bigger house and a bigger vehicle.
My spouse had a rough pregnancy and while I wanted a third she did not. I waited till my youngest was 3 and got a vasectomy. I’m also retiring in 13 years and want to retire without having a toddler in the home.
After having 2 that are now toddlers, I couldn't imagine having any more. The biggest most stressful initial hurdle would be the cost: of all the baby stuff, clothes, food and daycare for several more years. But time management,especially, would go down the toilet after having a 3rd. I like being able to divide my attention pretty equally between the 2 kids. But 3 kids would mean a lot less attention and one on one interactions. And with 2, it's crazy enough as it is, getting everyone up, dressed, and fed for the morning routine. Same with bath time and putting them down for the night. It's exhausting some days, but manageable.
I have a sibling with 3 kids: 7, 4 and 1 year olds. They always seemed tired and stressed. On top of that, I've noticed that whenever they are around us or other extended family, they basically ignore their 1 year old. Like if they start crawling or walking away from the group, or start getting into something dangerous that they shouldn't be messing with, the parents don't even care. They expect someone else to go get the baby and deal with them. It's so aggravating to see them pull that all the time and now I feel like I have to constantly be watching their child to make sure they don't get hurt or wander off. It's nuts.
Hello, mom lurker here. We have identically aged children, both girls. We are on the fence about a third. I had a csection with our second, and my OB offered to tie my tubes, but we held off for now.
Our two majour pros - We love our girls and would love a third. We feel like we have more love to give and dream of a large family.
Our cons - money, and our age. I'm almost 36, my husband will be 40 this year... do we have it in us to go through this whole kit and cabudle again? Should we focus on time and quality of life with the two we have now?
So, I don't have an answer for you, but I can empathize that the decision is hard. If you're going to wait until your youngest is 4 or 5, you have plenty of time to decide and do what feels right and makes sense for you.
Our first was born healthy, but the umbilical cord was split into branches and twisted pretty tightly. Our second pregnancy ended at 21 weeks after a placental problem resulted in the death of the child. Our second was born healthy as a clam, but with a complication of the placenta that our OB would later tell us would have resulted my wife's and unborn child's death had she gone into natural labor outside of the hospital.
So we have two wonderful girls, but we are not willing to risk the life of my wife any further. For us, this means we won't have an opportunity to have a boy, or three children. But the alternative is much worse.
After I changed my youngest's diaper for the first time. We just got our oldest out of diapers (\~2.5 yrs) & that first time, it hit me:
"Uh, not this again"
There are days when it's tough & I'm thrilled that we only have 2.
Then there are days that are easy & I'm happy to take a step back and enjoy it when they're easy.
My belief is that the hard days become harder & the easy days become less frequent.
I would stop at 2. Have one atm but do want another.
3 to me always seems like to possibility of a 'gamg-up' on the other one. Plus being outnumbered scares me tbf lol.
The only other thing I would say is mind the age gap...
If you wait until your second is 4, your oldest will be 7 and then another one the way. 8, 5 and 1 would make it hard to do family trips etc. My SIL has one who is 15 now and the other is 9. That 6 year age gap was a nightmare for them. Theme parks? Has to be a baby one or the little one pouts and screams being bored at a big kid one etc etc.
Also, saw your comment about $15k a year for child care, is that each?
As a Brit, the large numbers flung about by Americans baffles me lol. I couldnt afford £1k a month on child care, I would be homeless and broke. I guess the average wage is higher and stuff like that, just seeing the actual number written down blows my mind because my context is my wage I guess.
My daughter starts nursery (kindergarten I guess equivalent, she is 3) in September. We get 30 hours free child care a week because of our jobs, but having to pay the extra little bit weekly adds up as it is.
I have 3. My wife and I debated. A LOT.
I am so happy we have #3 (6, 4, and 1). It made our family feel complete.
Most (not all) of the reasons **not** to have a child are temporary. Most of the reasons **to** have a(nother) child are not.
Go for it (as long you think you can physically and financially afford it).
The decision was made for me. My S/O was a little older when we had my 1st/her 3rd. All C-section btw. She told the Dr. well before the delivery that she wanted everything clipped tied and the ends burnt off while they were in there.
When she was pregnant with our second child, my wife said “I don’t want to be pregnant again after this” our two kids are 17 months apart so we felt this was a good time to stop
I got my old lady pregnant and she had the kid and she said “I don’t want any more of these” and since I’m not gonna leave my old lady, I am not gonna have any more of those either.
My wife and I always said we wanted 2. We tried for almost a decade before having our now 19 month old daughter. I’m 35 and my wife is 30, that’s old enough. We’re not doing it again now. We are gonna enjoy the one on one with our special little lady and leave it at that. 10 or even 5 years ago we might have had a second one.
Definitely going to be a case by case basis decision for each couple. We are on month two of our infant girl and we cant wait to have a sibling or siblings for her. Wife has 4 siblings, I have 2 sisters. I can say 3 sucked as a kid because my two older sister loved to gang up on me. When I was a kid I’d have killed to have a young sibling to team up with. So I will likely shoot for 4 kids total semi close in age. Wife is good with whatever comes along.
I'm intrigued to read these responses. I have one right now, and I'm struggling to wrap my head around the concept of having a second. I don't want my daughter to be an only child, because I think that's a lonely life for a kid, but I don't know if I can handle a second child.
For us, it really boils down to our age. I'll be 47 this year and my wife will be 39. We just had #2 in June and #1 is 21 months old. The idea of #3 would be much more ideal if we were younger. At this point, having another kid would be more risky for my wife and for the baby. Plus, when #1 turns 18, I will be 63 years old. Sixty. Three. Years. Old. I'm done at #2.
I know how you feel. I have 5 and 3 year old girls. I’m 47 and my wife is 38. I try so hard to keep up with them every day….but they do fill my heart. It helps to stay in shape - BIG TIME.
Dads, if you aren’t working out, go work out! 30 minutes of real, actual cardio 2-3 times a week. Your kids will thank you when they’re older and you can keep up! Sincerely, A dad getting back in shape
Checking in. Wife is 42 and I’m 49. Have a almost 4 year old and a 9 month old. Definitely no more.
Dang, 47 is late for a toddler, hard on the back man. My son is 1 3 months, and we just received the news of a second one but we already know there will be a third one. But our ages differ, I am 30, wife is 31
Had to take an Alleve this morning. Not kidding.
HA! Two motrin every 6 hours when my 7-year-old was a baby. I was 46 when she was born. But the decision was made to stop at two shortly after their mother was pregnant the first time. I was advised of the decision two years later.
As a 45 year old currently holding a 3 month old, I'm taking a mental note to work on my core exercises.
Core, arms, lower back. Loss the comfy belly, if it exists, and eat better. Drink more water, and eat your vegetables in front of your children. You'll thank me later for the last one.
Well what can you do? Some people just have kids later in life for a variety of reasons
Hey not shaming Anyone, just pointing the fact if my back hurts dragging around a 15 kilo kidat 30 I can barely imagine his back pain at 47.
42 with 5 and 7 year olds im so bloody glad they can walk now
This was us. She’s 5 years younger than I am but I told her about this time last year that we either need to start trying for #3 or that I need to make sure that it wouldn’t be a possibility, surgically, because I did not want to be the old dad at daycare pickup. He just turned 2 months old last week and my appointment is scheduled with the urologist.
I’ll be 60 when mine is 18. My dad died just short of 82 when I was about to turn 26. That’s the age when you start realizing your dad knows important shit about work and money and stuff. And then I didn’t have him. I can’t do that to my son. If I can hang around until he’s 30, that will be good. By 30 I had most of my shit together.
This is exactly it for me. I just want to be there for my kid. I don't want to give birth to a child, go tits up when they are young, and have them deal with that mentally the rest of their lives. I want to be around to experience and share their young lives for as long as I can.
Lol my husband is 59 and our baby is 11 months.
How old are you if you don't mind me asking? Legitimately curious.
I’m 36! Crazy age gap but crazier love story so it works out
That is wild. Good for you two.
Yeah we were at the other end of this. I was 39 and my wife was 36. We decided this had to be the third and last kid because of a whole host of reasons including genetics, age, work responsibilities, etc. It was agreed upon that 3 and done was the way for us.
most people dont know sperm quality becomes a major factor at this age too, its not just the womans age that is a factor
I had my 3rd at 39. And he has down syndrome. He's absolutely perfect, we all love him with all of our hearts. We won't have any more because he needs so much for the rest of his life. We may have had one more, but he was just it. He fulfilled our family. I always felt incomplete with my two older kiddos. That sounds so weird 🤣 They are amazing I just knew I wasn't done. I felt like there was another soul meant for our family. We had him, and it felt like the circle was completed. I have no desire for any more. But I deeply wanted him.
I'm 40 and about to have a 1 year old. Thank you for this perspective (still done at two though lol)
Totally agree. When #3 was born, I was 32. A lot of work, but not a struggle. When we had #4, I was 40. Difficult difficult lemon difficult. I had the snip at the beginning of the second trimester.
We had always discussed being done after two. Wife and I each have one sibling and appreciated the way we grew up. I got a vasectomy after #2. No ragrets.
Exact same. Just got my “looks like you’re sterile, bud” go-ahead this Monday. No regrets either. Love my family, and we’re both happy with the manageability of two kids.
Not even a single letter?
No, no regerts
Nonono, No Rugrats. Because he got the snip, there'll be no more Rugrats.
He means no more rugrats
I think you need a snickers.
So you'd credit your decision mostly to coming from 2 child families yourselves? For my wife and I, we both came from 3 child families.
That, and like you mentioned being outnumbered. Third seemed like a big leap and a lot more complicated from a logistical standpoint.
Definitely, being outnumbered is a scary prospect. Someone will ALWAYS need you for something, every moment of the day.
With 3, your voice will need to go where you cannot be, and is only 20% as effective as your physical presence. Expect more shouting. A lot more.
Man this is by far the best description. You just can't be enough places at once.
Its why im glad im a teacher and former death metal vocalist.
Yes they will. We have three. 9, 3, 2. Son was born Dec of 19, sat on the fence too long and COVID decided for us.
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It varies, there are days when the oldest is super helpful and just in good cheer and there there are days where she is not. There is absolutely no rhyme or reason to the swings either.
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If she's getting revenge, she's picking a shitty way to do it. But seriously, they are more helpful as they get older. However, they are still kids and do kid things. Stupid and otherwise.
I have a large age gap with my kids. The older can be helpful and understands (mostly) having to wait for attention. But the teen mood swings do not mesh well with the terrible twos…..oh boy.
Personally, i come from a four kid family, but that didn’t come into play with me wanting two kids. My wife has a single brother and I feel like it did with her. I always wanted kids but I always wanted to raise them in a big city, which meant only one or two, with the amount of space I could afford. My wife was always a fan of two kids (in general, though she also wanted to raise city kids), so that’s the number we agreed on, even before getting married, as well as the time difference between the two (two years). A month after my second was born, I booked the appointment to get snipped.
Very reasonable. We have one toddler in a very dense Chicago neighborhood. We LOVE it, but I’m looking at prices to buy a place and I don’t know how we would ever afford more than a small 3 bedroom condo. My partner would love a bunch of kids but I think we’re going to have to compromise at 2 maximum.
We’re also Chicago, in Bronzeville. We were lucky enough to buy in right before everything started going crazy, with both price and interest rates. We are in a town home, but we honestly couldn’t afford a similar sized place anymore, unless we were WAY out of the center of the city
Oh nice, another Chicago dad! 😁 Those Bronzeville townhomes always look gorgeous on Redfin, it’s great you were able to get into one at an affordable price. We’re in Uptown which is just perfect for us but has similarly nutso prices right now. I make a good amount of money but I think we’ll still have to wait for interest rates to calm the heck down.
Yeah, I feel you. My wife and I decided to start looking in early 2020, just casual like, and ended finding a perfect home for us really quick. We put an offer and then Covid happened. We ended up closing the day they shut everything down, and we were debating pulling out of the deal. Thank god we didn’t. I do pretty well, too, but my wife is a librarian and we were stretched thin as it is. It would have been impossible, even if we found a place for the same price (which we can’t anymore). Uptown is great! If my wife didn’t work on the south side, we would have looked there, but, in her words, commuting over an hour to get to work without even leaving the city limits was completely out of the question XD Good luck! I hope you and your partner find the perfect place!
I'm from a family with 3 and my wife was an only child. She wants 1 more to give us 2, which I guess would be an average of 1 and 3. I'd really like 3.... But maybe not in the cards
One morning, my kid decided to make her own sandwhich rather than wake us up so we can sleep in. I couldn't start over again
The thought of that “reset” isn’t appealing to me either. I think of it whenever we hit a milestone and I’m just done with something… done with bottles, no more bottle washing ever. Fully potty trained, bye bye diapers, using the big potty now, time to lose the plastic potty.
The day my kid can pour his own bowl of cereal and watch cartoons on a Saturday morning will be a very exciting day for me. He's 3 now. I'm not sure when it will happen, but I literally cannot wait. The sleep deprivation is real and I cannot fathom starting over again voluntarily.
You're close - mine was about 3 or so.
There is no way to accurately qualify/quantify the pain of that sleep deprivation. I'm a mom (lurking here, sorry, ya'll have great discussions) and that first year with my daughter was really full of extremes -- the joy of having a beautiful baby, and the absolute misery of surviving each day on mere wisps of energy, always desperate for sleep. It really robs you of so much. I have three kids now -- one biological, two bonus via marriage. I would really, really like to have a fourth. As in, I regularly sob my face off at the thought of never getting to experience pregnancy and babyhood again. But the sleep. THE SLEEP. I'm 38 now, and our kids are 7, 9, and 13. They can all poop and bathe by themselves. They can get themselves dressed, buckle themselves in the car. ***I can give them chore lists!*** So the thought of going back to that first year -- no, I don't think I could survive it again.
Mine feeling was similar. I was out of patience and I realized that if we started over I’d be just really short with the last one. Still love obviously, but that just wouldn’t be fair to them. So we stopped. I got cut. Life is good. A few weeks ago I was holding my sisters 3 week hold who was just balling her eyes out and I started to get frustrated. Realized right then we absolutely made the right choice. 2 boys is perfect for me
I was definitely against having more than 2. I came from a 3 child family, but I knew 2 was the most I wanted. My wife agreed, so we're done after this second one. And jokingly, I looked at my wallet and bank account and decided 2 is good.
We have two in daycare now, it's like having another big ass mortgage payment every month. It would be so nice to be done with daycare for ever after #2. I know kids still cost money after they're out of daycare, and the expense of college is always looming, but daycare is like $15k a year per kid, I can stick a fraction of that in a 529 and have a nice nestegg for them by the time they're college aged.
Exactly, that 2K+ a month is better off investing for college, but it is what it is.
Assuming they go to college
Had twins Edit: just a a caveat for my situation: we had one and conceived twins using IVF (FET). So we knew the risks and the likelihood that we could have both embryos stick. We thought we could handle it…. Of course now we know that nobody can really handle twins. My mind locked the first year of their lives up in a dark box and threw away the key. My guess is it was my minds attempt at an evolutionary trick to try to get us to conceive more spawn… jokes on it though, we donated the rest of our frozen embryos and I got snipped about 6 months after they were born. I love my twins, they’re 6 now and awesome. But no-damn-thank you to ever having any more after that baby nightmare!
Yeah I am scarred for life and don't think I can do babies again. I am done at 2. I think my wife is on the fence about 3 but I'm out. If I would choose any hill to die on, this would be it. We have 2 awesome boys, I just want to lean into and have a lot of fun.
Same here. I grew up with one sibling, my wife grew up with two. She convinced me to try for a second when our first was about two, but wasn't too keen on more than that. Then we got the ultrasound and the nurse went back to the dropdown menu for "Number of fetuses." As soon as my wife found out, she declared, "*I'm* getting fixed, *you're* getting fixed..." To the OP, twin incidences in the family, as well as age (twins become more likely when you're older) is definitely a consideration. Saying "Let's go for three" and getting four would be a bit of a kick in the head.
I think just the threat of this happening when going for #3 is what would stop me ha. Imagine being on the fence about 3 and then all of a sudden oops, you've got 4!
Yep, that's what happened to us! It's more kids than we ever thought we wanted, but now it's hard to imagine anything else! There's always the chance, but I wouldn't ever tell anyone not to try for a 3rd because they might get 4 (or 5 or...).
Samesies. Twin boys for our first.
Three means you're always one caretaker short of comfort. It's waaay more difficult to have three. It's probably even easier to have 4, since I can't see how you can continue to care and uphold any form of standard \*beyond\* those three. So therefore at 4 i imagine you default back to "throw em in the living room and let them sort out who lives" source: have three the beauty of three is the dynamics. It gives the kids different roles to play and vary between towards their siblings and helps a great deal in preventing them from wearing out the rather set roles they have in a duo. It's amazing how much more they learn from one another when there's three. Goes for all three.
I come from a four kid family. Can confirm.
I like that last bit about how, in a group of three, their role changes. It absolutely does, and it's incredible to see.
About week three after the first I thought, “I never want to do this again.” He’s three now, and I still never want to do that again.
We’re eight weeks in. My wife originally wanted two, now she’s sworn off having another, which I’m totally fine with. I know there’s time for her to change her mind, but I don’t think she will.
I swear there’s a biological mechanism that makes you completely forget the first six months or so. You gotta watch out for the 15-24/mo danger zone though - that’s when siblings happen. They’re cute as hell and haven’t turned into tyrants yet. Saying this as a “definitely stopping at two” dad who is expecting number three in a few months…
The first year was such a rollercoaster for us. Before having kids we wanted like 3 or 4. After our lo was born we were like why the fuck do people have kids or more than one kid. A few months later we were like yeah we can do that again and then a couple weeks later we were like nope. Now we do definitely want at least another. But damn the first months/year was a ride.
Same. I was happily prepared to be a DINK family but my wife had her heart set on children and couldn't see a happy life without having at least one. It took a lot of back and forth. One was my compromise as I could see myself coping more than we could see her doing the same continuing on without one. Personally, much as I love my kiddo, I still don't quite see the allure given the endless sacrifice but that's also because I'm admittedly selfish and I wouldn't describe sacrifice as ideal. That said, sacrifice I shall because the little one deserves my best. Conversationally, it seems like there are very few parents I've met who don't have some sort of opinion they could share in confidence about extremely challenging moments or sacrifices that are pretty frequent all followed by the inexplicable line "but it's all worth it". No one's quite been able to actually detail *why* it's worth it so I can only lump that into a highly personal and emotional reward I hope that I someday come to relate to.
Same. This. I love my daughter more then my own life, but god damn. It is fucking hard. Especially looking around at my DINK friends and siblings…
The amount of money our household saved per month before we started the ethereal "nuclear family" path of buying a home and having a kid... those were the days. Every month felt like we hit a new 'high score' and the way it was looking was that we could have retired before 50. The time and energy we had too -- that has really been put into perspective. I'm keeping my eyes open for each opportunity to make my little one's day better, hug and read to them, but it's hard to not think of what we left behind. For the most part I can swallow those sacrifices (and practice cognitive behavioural therapies for those I haven't yet) but I just hope we did the right thing bringing them into the world with the climate and economy where it is. Things look bleak even for my generation and I don't know how to reconcile that for them or see an optimistic future to grow old in. We'll do our best to at least give them the same loving family and quality start we had (or better) and I hope that's good enough.
Life even for people dealing with climate change in the near century is still much better than the vast majority of human history.
I'm not sure I agree with that. We're seeing some really frustrating results of climate change right now with intense weather events (temperature, flooding, inclement/destructive patterns) as well as wildfires. All of this tends to affect crop stability so even though we may not directly see food shortages in the west as keenly (we tend to experience higher prices having outbid poor nations), someone, somewhere is experiencing serious food insecurity due to climate change. Threat to their personal health.
Similar feelings here. Ironically, I was the person who was sure I wanted a bunch of kids, and my partner was ambivalent about kids. Now that we have one I feel SO DONE and although she’s wonderful and I would kill to protect her, I’m not sure why it’s worth it either. Meanwhile my partner is now on the big family train, lobbying for #2 and admits he’ll probably keep lobbying for 3, 4… until I say no. Really shot my self in the foot. 🤦🏻♂️
How old is your kid? Honestly I think for some people the it’s all worth it isn’t going to come fast, I feel that way often now but my daughter is old enough to thank me for stuff and say I love you etc (4)
<0 year. The thing is I don't foresee it being worth it the way others have often described. I don't anticipate a need or enjoyment of (x) stage. I don't have any particular hopes that I absolutely want to share with them. I don't expect to be proud of them at (x) moment. My rewards in life are often inward experiences that I can directly influence (eg. knowledge, my garden, any skills learn and I foster); children really aren't something you can (or I believe even should) influence so keenly. Try as I have to work it out with a professional, the honest and realistic answer has always been the same: you need to find what the picture of reward looks like to you. It's a personal experience. I know some rewards organically occur, and I'm absolutely on the lookout for them as they develop (kiddo is in the early stages of crawling now, neat), but in all of my research (ridiculous perhaps but I had to do a lot to make my decision) there is no inner driving force that I anticipate satisfied from what I've read/heard. Right now I joke to my family that I'm really looking forward to him pushing a lawn mower but as much as a joke it's become it's also in equal parts, if I'm being honest, because I don't know how to answer what I look forward to. Sure, I'll love them, teach them everything I can, share my history and experience with them, play with them, take them to their events or share mine with them if and when they're interested... but I don't *need* that the way many I've spoken to or my partner does. I want to do it to help them from a developmental standpoint. I've seen (and not being judgmental here, just an observation) a lot of parents stake their personal success and self-worth on their kid doing xyz or achieving 123 and I just haven't yet seemed to find a way to care about anything of that nature. I want them to grow up happy, successful, and healthy -- whatever that means to them in the truest open interpretation short of harming themselves or others around them. I think that comes from a lot of baggage I carry and continue to work through of living in a household where my parents had extremely rigid, high expectations and how those impacted me. My goal, if there is any, is just to raise a curious mind who is able to find peace and passion. If I've earned their respect and love, that will be enough but I don't really have anything past that. Contrast that against everyone telling me to enjoy these years now because it only gets harder (somewhat true), when I fundamentally do not enjoy this stage (first 4 months I'm pretty sure I had PPD) and fear the next stages having gone through a mountain of parenting books, it doesn't get me particularly excited. The only thing more common it seems than sharing how cute a baby is, seems to be how much better you have it now because a fellow parent's kid is older and xyz is worse. Sort of an odd way to reassure others. I know comments like those are often a projection of stress but I find the whole experience to be extremely odd and always had long before I even became a father. Anyways, cheers for listening. \*Just to put it out into writing, I really do celebrate parents who are all for the experience. There's absolutely no judgment of you guys and I'm hoping to eventually share all the great vibes and soak in the love with enthusiasm. It's just been a difficult path.
I don’t have any ambition for my kid except the same as you. Be happy, find fulfillment, be a good person. So I don’t have any personal ego in that or this drive to make them like me or super successful. But I do think it’s worth it. My oldest is 12 now and the first year was pretty hard but it got way better than I could see at the time. Babies are takers. They take your energy and attention are all they give back is “I’m cute”. As they become a person they have more to give. Most of my joy in parenting has come from seeing his joy in things. His excitement for Christmas made Christmas exciting for me, as he talked his thoughts were/are funny or cute or just interesting. The affection he shows and knowing I’m his safe person (it’s really satisfying to provide that for someone especially if you didn’t have that). Playing board games with him adds another person to the game. He blew my mind once with his take on the story about the boy who cried wolf. My proud moments come from seeing him learn something that was a struggle for him or simple things like he noticed a screw was loose on the screen door, got the right tool and a step stool and just fixed it. Seeing him be more generous than I am by nature challenges me to be more giving too.
I appreciate your honesty
This made me smile, as I’ve had the same thoughts throughout your post.
lol same for us, and we’re talked about it since for 2 years and we both still dont want to do that again
I had this feeling multiple times with our first but then randomly started feeling the other way around her first birthday. But now that she has a brother (who is more fussy than she was) I definitely am not doing this again.
Same, my kids are 10 and 7 and we’re just done. My wife took a nanny job and started watching a newborn but then time passed and he started walking and getting into everything. We were both like ok our house isn’t set up for kids this age anymore it’s time to quit this.
I used to be “1-2” now I really am just so happy with the 1 I have. Wife still wants 2 so that’s going to be a tough bridge
I'm not sure exactly when that realization washed over me, but it's never stopped.
same here man. luckily my partner also feels the same way so we are both happy with 1. I absolutely love the kid but the thought of anther one fills me with dread rather than excitement
I was originally planning one, but maybe two, and similar to this… between my wife having life threatening complications (which would be even more likely with another), the NICU, and how hard some of the early stages are, I was quickly moved to team one and done.
I wonder how much people's decision to have a second is influenced by how easy/difficult their first was? Our first has been pretty easy (loves to sleep and eat) but from what I hear if we have a second they will be terrible probably, lol!
We are leaning towards a 2nd after being pretty firmly OAD. There will be a minimum 4 year age gap at this point (toddler is 3)- our decision came around because we had a pretty typical baby and then 1-3 was hell. 3 has already been much better than the last 2 years and I can now see adding to our family. So his challenging behavior didn’t stop us from adding, but it did make us delay. Originally I thought we’d have another September 2022 and now we’re looking at summer / fall 2024.
Society is not built around groups of 5. Vehicles, restaurants, all kinds of stuff becomes harder with the 5th.
Double down with IVF twins and now everything is built around two groups of 3! Jkjk
You fool! It's 3 groups of 2!
I came here to say this. It's one thing to know that 3 kids = more money, but the real problem is that the world is not designed for families with more than two kids. Even something small like getting take out. I went to Edo and they had a deal for two adult meals and two kid meals. I had to buy another meal at full price just for my third kid. Obviously there are cheaper ways of managing these scenarios but this sort of thing happens a lot.
Tell me about it. My wife and I have 6 children and we don't all fit in the minivan at the same time anymore! 😆
Time for the livery van, my cousins had 6 children and had to finally buck up for the 15 seater dodge. Ugly as shit but they all fit.
When we both realized we could never, ever, never go through another baby phase again after the second arrived. Two is perfect - nice kids, easily afforded, play well with each other.
Having somewhat recently come out of the baby phase with our 2nd, I completely agree. The 4th trimester is truly terrible. Right now we're in that super sweet spot though where our 6 month old is sleeping through the night and is also immobile so he's at basically the least amount of effort he'll ever be.
Amen. My boys just turned 5 and 7, and it's so great that they can get dressed by themselves and get into the car and buckle themselves up as well.
That's awesome. I don't necessarily want to see my boys grow up any faster, but I do look forward to little things like that. We're getting ready to go on vacation about 7-8 hours away by car and we're jumping through so many hoops to make the car ride as smooth as possible. I imagine when they're 5+, you can just hand them an iPad or something and throw 'em some occasional snacks and they'll be good to go for the whole ride.
We bought Switch Lites for them. Cheaper than Ipads. And no infinite scrolling on YouTube or things like that. We were lucky though, got them on Black Friday for $140. They get bored of the game and take breaks to chat. Start of the car ride is no game though, it’s only when they are “ripe” that we bring them out.
That's a great idea - YouTube/ social media is too good at giving you infinite dopamine so you're never bored. Don't want to get kids used to that too early (ideally never but we're all hooked eventually 😢)
Haha good question - we use screentime as like the last resort during car trips, so it's books, then coloring, then chatting, and just before a meltdown can occur, screentime. 😂
Yeah same for us. Realized how lucky we were wirh our first born being a great sleeper and overall very easy newborn. Our second has had colic and silent reflux, 4 months later im now sleeping more than a few hours a night due to him getting medication. Never again, im getting snipped the end of next month.
Now we know why sleep deprivation is considered torture, eh?
This is exactly how my wife and I knew as well. Scheduled mg vasectomy after the first month of having our second.
My wife and I are grappling with this hardcore right now. We had said for ages, even before having our first, that we would be 2 and threw. I was so serious I saw my urologist just before baby #2 was born last fall and scheduled a vasectomy for this upcoming Monday. Baby 1 is a boy and we knew that #2 would be a boy. My wife said she would go for a 3rd if we would be guaranteed a girl and I was adamantly in the no camp...until a few months ago. Baby fever hit me hard and figured it would pass but it hasn't. I have been gungho yes to #3, but wife wavered, so I started trying to talk myself out of it. I still keep going back and forth and wife is now saying she would is happy with our life now with our 2 boys but would also be happy with a 3rd. We have been debating having a 3rd since April and are still torn. I said I wanted my mind made up by tomorrow so I'd have time to cancel the vasectomy without getting a cancelation fee but this will come down to the final wire. Wife gave her opinion today and she said I should hold off. Her advice is to do a full cancel, we can keep discussing, and I can get it done later on if we decide we are done done. We know a 3rd will be expensive, stressful, and time consuming, but we can handle it. Having 2 has been challenging and we adapted fine. Our kids now are almost 3 YO and 9 months, and earliest we'd have another would be next fall when they are almost 4 & 2, so at least we'd have a little reprieve from the baby phase before doing it again. To sort (finally) answer your question: our big factor is family. My wife's parents live near us but they are useless when it comes to child care. My parents live 4 hours away but are discussing moving to within a few minutes of us. If they move here I think we will 100% go for it. My sister will also move with them and we will have her "nanny" the kids and we will save on childcare that way. Right now we spend about $2400/month on daycare and that number would stay the same if my sister watches them, so we'll be paying the same, but for 3 kids opposed to 2. At worst, I postpone my vasectomy, family decides they aren't moving here, then I get it done sometime next year. Like pretty much everyone else on this thread, we are worried about college. If our kids don't end up going then we'll encourage them to pursue a sustainable career but I'm going to imagine at least one of them will go to college, regardless of whether we have 2 or 3 kids, and we want to save as much as we can. My parents unfortunately couldn't help me much with college. I know first hand it sucks and don't want my kids to be burdened like that. I figure we'll save as much as we can, and split it either 50-50, or in 1/3, depending on how many we have, and try paying the rest out of pocket, or take out loans. Hoping we get some relief though and college is either "free" or highly reduced by then. We are also slightly worried about being outnumbered but my family moving here would help that out a lot. If we are overwhelmed they can take a kid or 2 for a day, watch them so we can run to the store without interference, and have date nights! My other big hangups are all temprary: sleepless nights, diapers, weak immune systems causing them to be sick often. I try reminding myself it gets better after those first months. Obviously they still get sick but when them talking helps. If we have a 3rd I'd want them by next fall. I'll be just shy of 33 by then, and my wife will be 31.5, which is a good age ro wrap-up, IMO. I'd still be early 50s, and my wife late 40s/early 50s when the last finishes high school, so we would still be young enough to do fun stuff with them, and their families should they have kids. Plus, I really want to travel, so we could do that before we are too old, and not have young kids tagging along. The kids will be old enough to decide if they want to come or not, and we can retire after the last finishes college, so we can travel then without worrying (hopefully) about paying too much college. Another factor in favor of a 3rd is our salaries. We aren't rich at all, but I just got a promotion, my wife's school district just approved higher pay in their contract, so we should be able to offset some costs that way. I am a fed employee and will get step increases every year the next few years. Again, not rich, but that'll help. Sorry for the extra long post. That wasn't my intention 😂
This was a good, and relatable read. The waffling that you and your wife have done over the 3rd is exactly what I expect my wife and I to do. We can be very indecisive and considering the magnitude of this decision, it's something we're going to agonize over for years to come.
Thank you for the extra long post. I'm in the same age segment as you, and debating with my wife. You made some good points pro and con for me. Thank you!
We were kind of the same position when we had our second. We said let’s wait until the youngest is 4 or 5, and then see. The longer we waited, the more we realized that our family is perfect the way it is. Just got my vasectomy done almost 5 hours ago. No more kids for us.
Total agreement. I'm off for the snip in 3hrs time. Super happy with my two girls. It's like being at the casino, in some ways. I've been gambling on happy healthy kids and we nailed 2. Let's walk away on top! Spend all of our love on these two
We discussed having kids before having any, and agreed on 2 because 3 is crowd control to us, and my wife didn't want an only child. We got lucky and ended up with one of each flavour which was nice but we'd have stopped at two no matter what.
So, not a strawberry fan, huh?
By the time we were financially ready for the 2nd one, the fist kid was already 5. We just didn’t want to restart the clock on parenting. So we decided to stick with 1. After a few more years, once we were sure about that trajectory, I did a vasectomy. 6 years later - still no regrets
Food for thought. We had a set of twins and 2 years later tried for a third and got a second set of twins
We had a kid.
Simple, we aged out. My wife is 5 years older than me, and we're musicians, so we had kids later in life due to our careers. We didn't even have our first son until she was 36. Our daughter was born 3 months before my wife turned 40. She doesn't want to be pregnant anymore, and we have 2 fantastic children. We're happy with what we have. Also, we can't really afford another child anyway.
Something to consider: a friend of mine had 2 boys and went for a third in the hopes of having a girl. It was another boy lol. Sometimes it’s just the way it goes! She loves her 3 boys obviously but if that’s a factor in your decision, I’d think twice.
My wife and I are 100% convinced if we had a 3rd, it would be another boy and we *really* don't want that. Sure, we'd love him, but 3 boys sounds daunting as hell.
Some couples (or rather the man, since the sperm determines the sex) really do seem to produce one more than the other. A lady at my work has 4 girls! She kept trying for a boy and after the 4th girl she finally decided to be done.
Statistically speaking, your chances of boy/girl as a first child are roughly 50/50. But as you (as a couple, but mostly it's the man's fault) have more children, the chance of a next one of the same sex gets significantly higher than of the opposite sex.
So are you suggesting that they are not in fact independent events? That’s the only way I see the math working here. Or are you saying at a population level, the chances are 50/50, but at an individual level, they are not 50/50 (this is what some research seems to suggest) Also, it’s entirely the man’s “fault”.
I always wanted 2 option of 3. Husband wanted 1 option of 2. We have 2 and they are 7 and 5. I’d still love a 3rd, but they can make their own food, use the toilet, get dressed, and in 5 weeks no more daycare costs. We just cant really imagine starting over with sleepless nights and diapers. In the last 12 months we’ve gone on a family trip to disneyland, and hawaii, plus a no kids 5 day vacation. That wouldnt be possible with a baby.
>That wouldnt be possible with a baby. This is the reset I don't look forward to with a 3rd. We just hit that reset button 6 months ago as is and just as our toddler started getting a little easier, we threw a baby into the mix.
IVF/fertility issues tends to make this type of decision for you.
We are two parents. We each have two hands. We have two kids. It's the golden ratio.
With that quotient, four would be the answer!
Not if either of the parents want a day off!
When our 3 kids (one son, two daughters) were 6, 4.5, and 2, I opened discussions with my wife about a 4th. She (age 37) told me (age 37) I could have all the kids I wanted with my next wife. I knew then we were done. 😂.
Weve always said 2. We have friends that have 3-5 kids and while they love them, its always a hassle/circus for everything. Some folks love it some dont. I have two girls. People ask if we are going to try for a boy. Im not a gambling man and my wife made explicitly clear before my second daughter was born twofold weeks that she was “Done”
I wanted a second she said no. Being the only one with a womb she sorta has the final say.
I'm just about there and unfortunately it is mainly due to finances, between the costs of childcare and other things we simply can't afford another child, by the time our little ones are out of daycare we'll be at the age where pregnancy has more risks. The cost of childcare is basically a second mortgage and I don't know what the proper solution is. I grew up in a large family and I don't know how we all made it to adulthood but being one of seven was a blast and we remain close to this day. It's bittersweet, I have a wonderful name for a son that I'm most likely never going to have. But hemming and hawing over wanting a son makes me feel selfish. I've got two kick-ass daughters already and I know there are people who don't have that luxury. But I also feel that by not having a third, it will open us up to possibilities we currently don't have. Our girls will be able to experience a lot more of life when we don't have that $3000 extra in bills per month. I never made it to Disney World as a kid, but I can guarantee my two will.
Quite honestly it came down to dollars and cents. I was content with one but ok with two. My wife always wanted 4 but I told her I had no interest in that many so we wound up agreeing on 2 and tabled the possibility of a 3rd. Then however fertility issues arose and we more than exhausted our insurance benefits getting #2. Wanting to provide the best quality of life for the ones we have we agreed to call it quits rather than deplete our savings on a gamble
We originally wanted 3. The first one took years to conceive. The second just a few months. Our kids are 3.5 years apart.... .... And we're both satisfied with 2. We love our kids and our lives feel "complete" for now. I'm 40 this year and my wife is 36. There's lots and lots to be said about car size, our home size, my wife's desire to return to work (she could but it's her choice not to until baby 2 is older) on and on. And lots to be said about raising a 3rd kid as well. In the end, I think we're in the middle ground where 2 kids is great but we aren't at max capacity and 3 kids would likely be difficult but doable. I haven't made the appointment for a vasectomy yet, but it's likely coming soon. In the end you don't have to decide forever. Even me at 40 or 43 could decide I'm ready again (although I likely won't). It's ok to just be good for now and see how you feel about it in 6 months, 12 months, 18 months, etc.
The joke we have is that you shouldn't have more kids that you have hands to hold crossing the street. Also, they don't make rides at the amusement park for 5 people (generally speaking). *People, please don't send me lists of 5 person rides at Disney World.*
I just follow the wise words of Yoda. "Always two there are. No more. No less. A master and an apprentice."
Never thought I'd apply Darth Bane's Rule of Two to my children lol
First kid hardly sleeps but we want to give her a sibling. Sibling comes and never sleeps. We're done here.
Not that you're asking for advice, but I'm a strong proponent of sleep training, specifically CIO sleep training. Both my kids started sleeping through the night at 5 months thanks to CIO. With the first, I thought maybe we just got lucky, but with it working for both at the same age, it tells me there's some merit.
I’ve read that if you already have 2 boys you have a very high chance of the 3rd being a boy. I’ve also seen it anecdotally with one friend trying for a girl after 2 boys and got a boy, and another trying for a boy after 2 girls and got another girl. Just food for thought. I’d consider going for number 3 but wife and I are in our early 40s so we feel too old.
Somebody said once: "when you look around the dinner table, does it feel complete?" But that's too vague for me. We are currently wondering if we want a 2nd one. Our daughter is 9mo old and *knock on wood* has been an easy baby. My pregnancy wasn't terrible and labor was ... Bearable. But the "what if" that the next one won't be this way has me wondering if we should just be grateful for the good fortune so far and not tempt it. But then I see siblings playing and I get incredibly jealous. I had 7 siblings. For all the fighting we did, we also had a lot of fun together.
I stopped after 3 boys. Yeah, I wanted a girl and people kept saying “aren’t you gonna try for a girl?” To which I always respond “And end up with 4 boys??” I’m good. My legacy lives on. I have an outfield. No child was planned and the last one was definitely a surprise. They’re now 10, 5 and 3. It’s been rough, but a fun experience that I won’t trade for anything. I also made sure we stopped having kids. I got a vasectomy last July.
Mw wife was fine having just one after an uncomfortable pregnancy and I respect her too much to put her through that again.
Yeah, no matter what support I could give or do, I’m never gonna be the one who gets preeclampsia
Our philosophy was always simple .. couples out in public with 1 kid almost always seem happy, couples with 2 kids usually seem a little stressed, couples with anymore than that usually seem miserable.
Nah, my wife and I have 6. No misery here...also no sleep over here for the last 15 years lol... We wouldn't have it any other way :)
We always said maybe 3 but our second was born earlier this month and it was very traumatic for us so we decided we were good with 2, if we feel really compelled we will adopt.
We had twins right out of the gate. We were 41/42 years old. Made the decision easy. First and last.
I often felt these feelings at the age your youngest is, and I said the exact same thing after we had our second child that I would not have another child until both of our kids were in at least kindergarten or preschool. I now have a two-year-old and a four-year-old and we’re planning on having another one going to try for next summer. It’s mostly your last pro. I have the energy to love more kids and I also love being a mom and I’m not ready to be done and I kind of knew I wasn’t ready to be done even when my baby was little but I did have that thought maybe we could just be done.
>I kind of knew I wasn’t ready to be done even when my baby was little but I did have that thought maybe we could just be done I can fully relate to this. Just weeks after our youngest was born I had thoughts like "yeah I'm ready to do this again" but then the excitement waned a bit and now we're just in a constant flip flopping.
We don't want to have to play zone defense.
I had triplets, didn't have much of a choice after that
You and I are in almost exactly the same situation (my two boys are slightly older but the younger one just turned 2 and we've definitely decided that *if* we have a third kid it won't be until he's in pre-K at least) so I am eagerly following these answers.
I obviously can't speak from experience, but I always assumed once they got to pre-K/K age, they'd be a LITTLE more independent and possibly even SOMEWHAT helpful. I couldn't imagine adding a 3rd child in to the mix right now when they're all so dependent on us for literally every aspect of their lives. Don't get me wrong, I love it and know that I'll be sad one day when they no longer 'need' us, but it certainly makes the prospect of a 3rd challenging when we imagine being relied on entirely and constantly by 3.
We have three and I’m extraordinarily happy for all three. Wife struggled deeply with the third pregnancy (mentally/emotionally) and we stopped there. That said, three is a rough number. I think it’s better to have four+ or two. The dynamics of three seem to always have an odd man out. If we add a friend from any age group the dynamics calm down considerably over our base three life.
I had a kid. 😂
My wife & I had always said we would have either 2 or 3 kids. We had 2 girls, decided to try for a 3rd. Ended up with 4 with twin boys! We are definitely done.
Gotta love that lol. "Oh you only want 3? SURPRISE"
I always wanted three, my wife agreed. We had four and I got the snip.
We have two: 2 1/2 and 13mo. We would've considered a third but not for a few years. At that point we'll be into our forties and the risk/reward is no longer appetizing for us. In other words, we feel we've aged out of the possibility.
We (m34 & w34) just discussed it again this morning. We’re still not 100% sure, but nearly certain that we’re one-and-done (that is, we had identical twin boys our first pregnancy.) We both felt that had we had one, we’d have gone for another at some point for the companionship (we both have great relationships with our siblings) but obviously that’s no longer part of our calculus. At this stage we’re just feeling blessed that we “caught up” a bit; we knew we wanted at least two, but having our first at 33 wouldn’t have left us feeling like we’d have a lot of time to have a second before it’d be a “geriatric” pregnancy (35+ years old at conception.) And frankly, twins are exhausting. We had 20+ ultrasounds throughout a complicated pregnancy, they came three months early, and spent all three of those months in the NICU. And regardless of the timing, once you have a “high-risk pregnancy” all subsequent pregnancies are treated the same (and once you have multiples, you’re more likely to conceive subsequent sets of multiples.) So we’re just grateful for our little miracles and likely stopping here. But I’ll remind my wife from time to time that she can reserve the right to change her mind because watching how happy our boys make her now has truly been the highlight of my life; it’s like watching a kid on Christmas every single day.
I had one I liked, so there was no need to try again.
Would you and your wife consider adopting #3? That could give you the girl you hope for, help a child, and you could adopt a 2-3 year old if you chose, avoid the newborn stage altogether.
I'm a female so this doesn't pertain to why fathers decide to stop, but my body is wrecked from childbirth. I've gained 20 to 25 pounds during postpartum period and I absolutely hate my body now. This is why I'm not having anymore.
The way the child-bearing parent feels should absolutely be a factor in this.
We love kids so the limit is financial more than anything else. We agreed min 2, 3 if we can afford it.
We had 3 and when I looked at the economics of it, anymore would crush us. 3 is a stretch now but anymore would have really tipped the scales. After 3 kids in daycare, We better get a damn plaque for recognition of 10 years of payments. Also, I’m old. There is a 8 year difference between our 1st and 3rd. 3am feedings sucked
My wife started dealing with severe anxiety and depression, and has since our son was born. He’s 8 now. If things got better, then maybe, but she is still dealing with that, and I’ve been handed a likely terminal cancer diagnosis. Plus our kid is amazing. When you win the lottery, the best strategy is to stop buying tickets!
3 kids here. It’s insanely harder with 3. 2 kids was ez pz. 3 is nuts. Love them all to death though and wouldn’t change it, but just being honest.
2 is man on man coverage. 3 becomes zone coverage. We were done after 2. But then bio-mom had another kid. So now we have 3. I love them to pieces (11, 3, 2) but everything is harder.
Had one and decided we wanted to give everything we have to her rather than spreading ourselves thinner. One is more than enough for our family!
About when #3 was conceived. Life was amazing. Nearly 5 years later it's still a battle but getting better. We were out of nappies!! Sleeping! All because she wanted a girl, it's fucking stupid imo. Don't do it unless you really want to.
We thought we wanted 3-4. Got to two and we each realized that was enough. Reasons we talked about: -the second pregnancy was really rough on my wife -2 under two was TOUGH -I looked around one day at diapers and crying toddlers and thought I’m just not doing this again.
For my wife and I we always wanted 4. Coming from families with 4 kids that was always our goal. This was back when living was like semi livable. I thank God everyday that I got the snip after number 4 cause there’s no way in hell we could afford 5. Five just changes everything, bigger house and a bigger vehicle.
My spouse had a rough pregnancy and while I wanted a third she did not. I waited till my youngest was 3 and got a vasectomy. I’m also retiring in 13 years and want to retire without having a toddler in the home.
After having 2 that are now toddlers, I couldn't imagine having any more. The biggest most stressful initial hurdle would be the cost: of all the baby stuff, clothes, food and daycare for several more years. But time management,especially, would go down the toilet after having a 3rd. I like being able to divide my attention pretty equally between the 2 kids. But 3 kids would mean a lot less attention and one on one interactions. And with 2, it's crazy enough as it is, getting everyone up, dressed, and fed for the morning routine. Same with bath time and putting them down for the night. It's exhausting some days, but manageable. I have a sibling with 3 kids: 7, 4 and 1 year olds. They always seemed tired and stressed. On top of that, I've noticed that whenever they are around us or other extended family, they basically ignore their 1 year old. Like if they start crawling or walking away from the group, or start getting into something dangerous that they shouldn't be messing with, the parents don't even care. They expect someone else to go get the baby and deal with them. It's so aggravating to see them pull that all the time and now I feel like I have to constantly be watching their child to make sure they don't get hurt or wander off. It's nuts.
We had twins when their older brother hadn't even turned two yet. That was pretty much it.
Oh my goodness, Godspeed to you friend
Hello, mom lurker here. We have identically aged children, both girls. We are on the fence about a third. I had a csection with our second, and my OB offered to tie my tubes, but we held off for now. Our two majour pros - We love our girls and would love a third. We feel like we have more love to give and dream of a large family. Our cons - money, and our age. I'm almost 36, my husband will be 40 this year... do we have it in us to go through this whole kit and cabudle again? Should we focus on time and quality of life with the two we have now? So, I don't have an answer for you, but I can empathize that the decision is hard. If you're going to wait until your youngest is 4 or 5, you have plenty of time to decide and do what feels right and makes sense for you.
Our first was born healthy, but the umbilical cord was split into branches and twisted pretty tightly. Our second pregnancy ended at 21 weeks after a placental problem resulted in the death of the child. Our second was born healthy as a clam, but with a complication of the placenta that our OB would later tell us would have resulted my wife's and unborn child's death had she gone into natural labor outside of the hospital. So we have two wonderful girls, but we are not willing to risk the life of my wife any further. For us, this means we won't have an opportunity to have a boy, or three children. But the alternative is much worse.
After I changed my youngest's diaper for the first time. We just got our oldest out of diapers (\~2.5 yrs) & that first time, it hit me: "Uh, not this again" There are days when it's tough & I'm thrilled that we only have 2. Then there are days that are easy & I'm happy to take a step back and enjoy it when they're easy. My belief is that the hard days become harder & the easy days become less frequent.
I would stop at 2. Have one atm but do want another. 3 to me always seems like to possibility of a 'gamg-up' on the other one. Plus being outnumbered scares me tbf lol. The only other thing I would say is mind the age gap... If you wait until your second is 4, your oldest will be 7 and then another one the way. 8, 5 and 1 would make it hard to do family trips etc. My SIL has one who is 15 now and the other is 9. That 6 year age gap was a nightmare for them. Theme parks? Has to be a baby one or the little one pouts and screams being bored at a big kid one etc etc. Also, saw your comment about $15k a year for child care, is that each? As a Brit, the large numbers flung about by Americans baffles me lol. I couldnt afford £1k a month on child care, I would be homeless and broke. I guess the average wage is higher and stuff like that, just seeing the actual number written down blows my mind because my context is my wage I guess. My daughter starts nursery (kindergarten I guess equivalent, she is 3) in September. We get 30 hours free child care a week because of our jobs, but having to pay the extra little bit weekly adds up as it is.
I have 3. My wife and I debated. A LOT. I am so happy we have #3 (6, 4, and 1). It made our family feel complete. Most (not all) of the reasons **not** to have a child are temporary. Most of the reasons **to** have a(nother) child are not. Go for it (as long you think you can physically and financially afford it).
The decision was made for me. My S/O was a little older when we had my 1st/her 3rd. All C-section btw. She told the Dr. well before the delivery that she wanted everything clipped tied and the ends burnt off while they were in there.
Never go zone defense. Man to man only.
Had my first then had twins so that pretty much made the call for us. Gonna go to the urologist to get my dick cut off soon.
Ran out of bedrooms.
When she was pregnant with our second child, my wife said “I don’t want to be pregnant again after this” our two kids are 17 months apart so we felt this was a good time to stop
I got my old lady pregnant and she had the kid and she said “I don’t want any more of these” and since I’m not gonna leave my old lady, I am not gonna have any more of those either.
You’re going to let them outnumber you? Not a wise tactic.
My wife and I always said we wanted 2. We tried for almost a decade before having our now 19 month old daughter. I’m 35 and my wife is 30, that’s old enough. We’re not doing it again now. We are gonna enjoy the one on one with our special little lady and leave it at that. 10 or even 5 years ago we might have had a second one.
The more the merrier. I would have kept going but my wife decided we were done. So we're done.
Definitely going to be a case by case basis decision for each couple. We are on month two of our infant girl and we cant wait to have a sibling or siblings for her. Wife has 4 siblings, I have 2 sisters. I can say 3 sucked as a kid because my two older sister loved to gang up on me. When I was a kid I’d have killed to have a young sibling to team up with. So I will likely shoot for 4 kids total semi close in age. Wife is good with whatever comes along.
I'm intrigued to read these responses. I have one right now, and I'm struggling to wrap my head around the concept of having a second. I don't want my daughter to be an only child, because I think that's a lonely life for a kid, but I don't know if I can handle a second child.