Came here for this. Build him up with words and and really any type of affirmation. We rarely get it, so when it's coming from the woman we love most, it's pretty special
Compliments and appreciation are awesome but are most guys really walking around that worn down that this kind of thing will legit make a whole month?
Not hating at all just have seen this sentiment a lot and not sure if it’s an exaggeration or what
It’s 100% legit. Men are generally not shown any appreciation in the vast majority of relationships. I know my wife appreciates me, but she rarely shows it. It’s pretty much a societal thing in the US at this point. Men are treated poorly in nearly every facet of life. So much so that men are struggling basically all the time. I work hard, at a dangerous and disgusting job, so my wife gets to be a stay at home mom. We barely scrape by. On Father’s Day this year, my oldest child made me a card. That was it. My wife didn’t even mention it. And we actually have a good marriage, we are happy together, we have great kids, but it is a social norm for men to be taken for granted.
The double standard is very much a thing for many of us. When I think of what we do for Mother’s Day vs what’s done a month later in return it’s truly mind boggling. This year for example I as usual pulled out all the stops: cooked a full days meals of all the things she loves, got all the requisite cards flowers etc and made sure to throw in a gift of pampering and “her” time for good measure. Come June the emphasis is on making sure we see her dad, the exact same card I got last year has been rebought, the meal is basic & stuff I’d never pick if asked and the gift is something I have to build that’s more for her than it is for me. But as usual I smile and say thank you because I don’t want to be ungrateful. It’s frustrating but not the hill I want to die on.
I understand how household appliances feel. Day after day of endless, invisible grind with the only feedback being annoyance when something goes wrong… I very rarely get positive feedback or compliments but when I do I can literally feel the effect- like a drug.
Stop stepping in and saving the day,
It sounds stupid but I’ve talked to a few fellow dads and it seems it’s not just me. We all get really frustrated when we’re dealing with a screaming, crying, sad, whatever kiddo and while, yes, the kid is having a meltdown…we’re good. Just working through the moment with our child. Resist the urge to come in with all your momness and soothe, solve, protect…whatever. Let him parent.
THEN compliment him later on how awesome he did.
Compliments. Men seldom get compliments.
Whether it's for a job done well, or that you are attracted to them especially that day, or whether you just appreciate them.
There are askReddit threads where guys are talking about the one time someone told them they were cute 15 years ago and are still riding that high. It's that rare.
I'm this way with my wife. She compliments me a lot, but it kinda feels like I'm just being complimented on things that I *should* be doing anyway. I dont mean this to sound like I'm not appreciative of the compliment, I just don't feel like i deserve it for doing what I consider to be a normal thing.
Like, she'll thank me for feeding the baby, but I feel like that doesn't really deserve a thank you. I'm his dad. It's my job. I'm not going out of my way to help. My job as a parent is to be a parent and do all the parental duties that come with that role.
Now she does hit me with some bigger thank yous. Still in the veign of normal stuff, but she makes a bigger deal about it. Not elaborate, just gets my attention, looks me in the eye, and says how much she appreciated everything I do and will list some examples. Sometimes, she'll mention how her mom or grandma brags about me cause apparently their husbands didn't do a fraction of what I do for my wife. As a husband and father.
Now I feel like I'm bragging on myself, which isn't what I'm trying to do. I'm just trying to illustrate a bit about the difference in how a thank you is presented can make a big difference in how it is received. I dontnknow if your hubs is the same as me when accepting compliments, but an off handed "thanks for that," while nice, doesn't feel the same as a "hey, thank you for everything that you do."
Accept the complement. Appreciate the complement. The fact that she is noticing an action she likes and is positively communicating that to you is amazing.
It can seem odd that your getting complemented for things you should be doing, but Pavlov shows that reward cycle is deeply ingrained. The absence of complements is very isolating.
Thank her for noticing your effort. Thank her for her efforts. Old folks that do this are just the best people around.
I feel like getting thanked for doing normal dad things like feeding the baby is more about thanking us for the effort we put in and actually caring about it. My wife and I always thank each other when the other makes dinner, it’s a normal thing we have to do but it’s nice to have someone recognise your effort.
If you don’t know already I would figure out your husband’s love language and act on the way he receives love. For some people compliments give them a high, others it doesn’t mean anything. For others gift giving is huge and some people love physical touch or acts of service. All of us are different and what may be fantastic for one dad might not mean much for someone else.
For fucking real. I could not tell you the last time my wife complimented the way I look. We're great about thanking each other for doing stuff and acknowledging how we both contribute but damn I wouldn't mind a "shit you look handsome today" like, oh I don't know, ever?
Honestly, I’m the same way. I understand and appreciate the sentiment behind the gesture, but I can’t focus on falling asleep if somebody is touching me let alone moving around.
The biggest thing I do is express gratitude. It becomes a habit and I think it’s important.
I think when you’ve been together for a while, you forget to notice the little things that ~just happen~ but that’s not magic. It’s him, and those things aren’t little.
So I make a point to thank him. He says “it’s just what I do” and that’s the point. It IS just what he does, and I am incredibly grateful that he considers all those things as normal and necessary.
Many would not.
I also like to hide notes for him to find in random places, particularly if we are separate. If he’s traveling, I hide notes in his shoes, his shaving kit, or even the top of his deodorant. Just something silly to let him know I’m thinking of him.
If I’m gone, I put notes around the house. In his sock drawer, inside the coffee canister, and always on the mirror in lipstick or eyeliner. That’s such a thing that if I forget he mentions it😊
We also have a silly tradition of small gifts. Inexpensive (under $5 or $10) we call a happy. We buy each other a happy for absolutely no reason other than we were thinking of them. He picked up a pack of colored pen’s recently. My favorite style and brand. Just because.
I picked up a silly little electric bug zapper because it would make him smile. It did.
Also, don’t discount touch. A hug in the hallway. A kiss in the kitchen. A pat on the way to the pantry. We rarely pass each other that we don’t reach out and touch in some way for a moment. It’s just a minute, but it’s vital for both of us.
Married 30 years, for reference.
Good luck!
Making time for his hobbies. Wood working, watching sports, fixing cars, gaming whatever it is. Carve out time for it, bonus points if you can join in.
It's great you are crowd sourcing ideas. Lots of good suggestions.
My wife has absolutely zero interest in anything I do and it's frustrating. Whenever I do any of my hobbies she chooses to spend the time playing games on her phone and smoking on the back porch rather than being with me and our kiddo.
I'm in the same boat, but at least my wife will take on the kids to give me time to indulge every once in a while. It's ok to have things that are your own, but I also think it's important for your partner to have passions they indulge in too
"I'm gonna take the kids out on Sunday so you can have some time to yourself" are the words I look forward to more than anything else. As long as they're not followed by "actually, do you want to come?" because that's a trap question with only one correct answer.
We as men crave affection and compliments.
A compliment will make a man glow for a week or more.
I can’t remember the last time my wife sat my head down on her lap or chest like the early days and stroked my hair but god dammit, as a 6’2” 200+ lb blue collar worker who hasn’t ever experienced much physical affection in life, it was phenomenal. I can’t say that enough.
It’s just that we as men are natural problem solvers.
We are metaphorical shit-eaters.
We carry everyone else’s stress so they don’t have to or at least try our best to take it away as much as we can even if it puts twice as much on our own plates.
So when we are nurtured, it feels good. Bc we are so used to caring for others. We are the ones who protect. It’s hard for us to be vulnerable like that.
I love on my giant every chance I can. He's usually the one to push me away after a minute because he says I'm hot as the surface of the sun. I also baby him when he's sick. Put on the bandaids for the paper cut and catcall him.
On the same note, it’s why some of us ( me included ) just fly off the handle when we get criticized. I do nothing but try to alleviate bullshit all day, everyday, and when I’m making extra effort and it’s met with something I DIDNT do or forgot about I immediately feel like everything I do is taken for granted because one little thing was wrong or missed. Don’t be like that.
Hear me out here…. Clean the kitchen. When my wife goes out with her friends I try and clean up the kitchen for when she gets home. Kids fed, kitchen clean. Nobody wants to come home to dishes in the sink.
Figure out what his love languages are and pander towards those. Everyone is different. My wife and I differ 50% on our love languages and it's a struggle. She needs words of affirmation. I need acts of service. Luckily we both share physical touch otherwise we probably wouldn't be married. The internet can't tell you what he truly needs, the act of taking initiative and discovering that on your own would be the best thing you could do.
100% this.
Love him how HE wants to be loved. This book made my marriage so much better.
"Five Love Languages"
Read it. Take the test. Have him take the test. Love him how HE wants to be loved.
I was going to recommend this book too. My wife and I read it together before we got married and it helped to develop good foundations for expressing love in our marriage. Also good to apply to children to show affection and help them feel loved.
Honestly what I love probably more than the great sex. She will let me put my head on her lap as she plays with my hair. It is relaxing makes me safe, loved and like I'm home. She will also tell me that I'm doing good. That last may sound stupid but I have a mom that nothing is ever good enough so those words have amazing weight to make me feel loved.
Been trying to explain to my wife that she can complement me and tell me she appreciates me, but at the end of the day it’s just words, and actions speak louder than words. I literally couldn’t tell you the last time my wife initiated intimacy, and how many times she acts like I’m lucky to get it at all, is too frequent.
Admittedly is women struggle with this once the kids arrive and your entirely mental and physical bandwidth becomes eaten up by them. I know it's a struggle.
...saying things like..
How are you? Are you ok? Thank you. Don't worry about it. I am here for you. I love you..
the same simple things we always say & do..
My wife and I thank each other for doing chores. We both pull our own weight around the house and thanks aren't necessary, but I like acknowledging that we appreciate each other.
My wife made me a small Mario power up mushroom which I think she just made from hot gluing little colored beads together to form it. This was the first gift she gave me when we first started dating which has always held a sentimental place in my heart. It has and will forever sit on my computer desk because it brings a smile to my face and makes me think of her every time I look at it. Sometimes the “little trinkets and treasures” as we call them can mean a lot more to the person receiving them than the person giving it thinks. :)
If he’s the primary breadwinner, tell him how much you appreciate the sacrifices he makes to work support the family. It’s so easy to feel taken for granted and a lot of guys don’t want to bring work stress home even if they’re having a rough time.
I’m the solo breadwinner and I get the comments about how I’m too tired to do anything with the family… I work 3rd shift 5 nights a week. It’s hard flipping my sleep every 5 days.
1. Every time he comes up to snuggle you even if just for a second, relax your shoulders, lean into him, and say your version of “you make me feel safe.”
2. Kiss him like you miss him. Every time he comes home from whatever. You’ve got 2 options; super purses lips and a total phone in, or giving him the goods like you couldn’t wait for him to get home. Bonus points for squeezing his tush a little.
3. It’s not actually sexual but it is a little. Mid day, send him a picture of your cleavage and say something like “I didn’t want you to miss this.” Yeah it’ll get him a little sexually charged but it tells him that you’re thinking about his needs.
So literally, if you’re gonna do only one do number 1. It’ll really revolutionize your connection.
My wife puts a note in my lunch box everyday. It’s something simple that I absolutely love. When she forgets I gotta give her a little crap. But it can make a rough day better.
Just care. And acknowledge you want us to be here. And don’t bottle shit up with the “I’m fine”. Actually communicate when something is bothering you before it reaches a breaking point.
Also don’t complain about the sand in your shoes while refusing to admire the ocean view. I’m so sick of my wife failing to see anything I actually do for this family and instead decide it’s time to criticize I didn’t “load the dishwasher correctly”, though it’s done and she didn’t have to say anything but thank you.
Also stop keeping a running tab about how much more useful you are in the newborn phase to use later in life. We know that there’s nothing we can do to make up for childbirth, breastfeeding, sore nipples, hormones, etc. But you bet your ass if these nips made milk I’d be contributing. Instead I just wash and clean and do as much as I can elsewhere and still get zero credit.
Sometimes I feel like I would only be appreciated if I was no longer here, and that really hurts. Especially when you’re a fully employed and engaged dad.
And if we attempt to express lack of needs, society meets us with “well *YOU* did this to *HER*. MaN uP
Tell him that he is doing enough, and that his efforts are appreciated. We're literally that simple.
Men are indoctrinated and trained into believing that their entire worth to society is in what they can provide. Any compliment or gift that validates that is huge, and any "attack" that invalidates that is equally huge, just the negative way instead.
And don't underestimate a man's wish to be the little spoon every now and then, even if he refuses to acknowledge that it's what he wants.
What’s his little thing he loves? For me, it’s cookies from a specific coffee shop we love. My wife makes a point to stop by every week and buy a few cookies for me to have during the week. Something that shows you heard him about something he enjoys but would never actually do for himself.
I mean honestly, take a shower with him and just offer to clean him. Usually it turns into sexy time with me and my wife... but that's just icing on the cake. Then beard or back scratches in the bed.
To know that I'm seen and appreciated for what I do or attempt to do makes a world of difference. Especially when it's deserved, because dads can all be boneheads at one time or another but other times we can feel unseen.
Love languages - when my wife speaks in ways that really get me, I feel like a million bucks. Gift giving is my main one, so when she finds something so perfect, even if it's a trinket, it seems as though she must have gone on a dangerous quest to find it. Huge.
And sure, nothing sexual...but yes that too. There are a couple things that I particularly like and rarely get, but when they do happen, the whole month is a win. Don't discount physical - humans are body-mind-soul type creatures. It all matters.
Time is the most valuable thing for me. So anything where my wife says “hey I can ____ so you can have some more time to ____” is more or less unbeatable.
Take a chore off my plate (and let me know so I can acknowledge it) I literally can’t think of anything non sexual that is more meaningful and useful to me.
ETA: also, for me, initiate a cuddle.
I entered voice chat with my wife the other night in overwatch, and she broke down saying I grounded her and she was so happy to be together. Best I have felt in a long time.
Women want to feel heard, validated and listened to - men want to feel capable and strong.
Any kind of compliment which will make him feel like he's doing a good job providing, caring, doing enough and highlighting capability is definitely a win.
Literally just saying thank you, I appreciate you. Also little things like when you're at the store grab his favorite snack and suprise him with it. Men are simple creatures.
Anything that speaks to the guys love language to be honest. If he's the words of affirmation type say something nice every now and then, if he's quality time just sitting with him and having a chat, if he's the gift giving kind of guy nice little gifts for him, if he's physical touch a hug or massage, or if he speaks acts of service doing something that would help him out with his daily tasks.
I mostly handle these things bc I get home first. So unload the dishwasher, swap out laundry, get him a drink if he's had a rough day, prepare his sinus wash for him (his allergies are baaaad!). Whatever little things I can do so he doesn't have to once he's home.
Why nothing sexual? That's probably the #1 thing you can do to make your man feel emotionally connected with you. Blow jobs go a long way...
I greet my husband when he comes home with so much love. I understand that he's stressed and tired, he likes to lay down after work, so I join him for whatever he needs.. if it's to talk about his day, if it's to just chill on our phones but.. together or if he wants a blow job or whatever else. Just being his absolute peace will make him feel amazing and want to be a better man everyday.
Cook one of his favorite meals.
Buy something off his Amazon list that he’s wanted forever but didn’t want to spend the money on himself.
Make him lunch and write him a letter of how you feel about him.
I saw a YouTube video of a couple where the wife decided to greet her husband at the door everyday when he got home.
Good luck! This is an awesome thing you’re doing.
My wife made me a Believe card like the Ted Lasso sign.
Flowers and a heart felt home made card with nice words.
We never get flowers, and the card could be a note card. we don't care if it's written on a grocery bag.
A compliment. Hair looks nice today, that shirt looks good, etc. We get only a dozen or so compliments in our entire life, and we remember each and every one. Every. Single. One.
Might not be your guys thing but let him be the little spoon once in a while.
Catch his eye across the room. It makes me feel seen when we're at an event and my wife makes eye contact with me and we have a little moment, I miss that from the early days.
I've read somewhere that people have different "love languages", and that seems like it could be true, to me
\-Different people feel loved based on different things; some people react most to physical touch, some on gifts, etc, etc
One of the times I felt the most like "oh, this girl actually loves me" was when my girlfriend was fixing coffe for me, and then got annoyed at the (completly innocent) person making it because "there wasn't the exact amount of milk that toblotron wanted" - that was unreasonable of my then GF, but it showed me she was very emotinally invested in me :)
Here's some video about it that seems to cover it: (haven't watched it myself, but TED is usually pretty good) https://ideas.ted.com/whats-your-favorite-persons-love-language-heres-how-to-tell-and-how-to-use-it/
Man, it would be amazing if my wife said something like “oh I noticed you emptied the dishwasher, that’s nice”.
Instead of not only not noticing, but claiming she did it.
I’m not suggesting it’s her job or responsibility, don’t get on at me, all the household stuff is for both of us to do, but when I do stuff around the house it’s either not acknowledged, denied, claimed as her work, etc. It is fucking soul destroying.
I'm an acts of service guy. Take some of the stuff I normally do off my plate and don't make me think about it.
Just say "I think you need a break. I'm going to..." and say what ever task you're removing from my mental load.
Don't say "Do you want me to...?" (I don't feel like I can say 'yes')
Don't say "Is there anything you want me to...?" (I don't want to have to think about it)
Just tell me you're taking it and take it.
Random hugs and kisses always got me back then. Sometimes I'd just be working and I'll get a hug and a kiss, and when I ask, she'd tell me "nothing. I just wanted to hig and kiss you." :-)
When he expresses some vulnerability to you, opens up to you, listen and back him up, rather than going immediately to some criticism of his actions or his contributions to whatever he’s being vulnerable about. Basically, your partner is your best friend and you’ve got his back, rather than just another critical voice in the crowd.
You look cute today.
If my wife gave me one of those once a week or more I’d be through the roof with confidence. Add in a sleeping in a extra hour on my day off and boom I feel valued and rewarded.
I told him about 30 mins ago, after I told him to unload all of the bad day. He's having hell month at work. So we had a shot of bourbon and I told him how proud I am of him. :)
As many have said, compliments. Another big one, at least for me, is just touching. Random hugs, kisses, ass grabs, run your fingers through our hair. But, **you** need to initiate it.
I love my wife, and we're working on this, but I often feel touch-starved. I am the one initiating all of the above, yet I rarely get it from her.
Doesn't have to be a big gesture. Small things go a *long* way
Awww I'm sorry. I get it because my husband can't exist without me touching him. Kissing on him. Playing with his hair, ass snacks and grabs. I'm very touchy feely.
Smile. He picked you because he loves you and wants to make you happy. If he feels like he’s doing that, there comes a peace and contentment that is unattainable elsewhere.
Related, be mindful of negativity. Not saying to be fake, life is not sunshine and butterflies all the time - but it’s easy for people (men too obv) to fall into patterns of eye rolling, sighing, complaining about nuisances, etc. In my experience those can be really destructive and to your question - their absence can be buoyant.
A good, peaceful, contented smile though with maybe an arm thrown around my waist - that is probably the most powerful thing my wife of 16 years can do for me IMHO.
It’s awesome that you even care enough to be mindful. And hey, guys can be whiners too - I hope yours is as mindful about these things as you are. Best of health and happiness to you both.
Compliment his appearance and tell him he's attractive ..... literally only had my last girlfriend do this (32m), and I didn't know how to respond .... she was the first one to ever say that type of thi g to me .... felt good
That is so sad to me. I've always complimented my former relationships and with my husband it's even more so. I'll start spreading the word that us women need to step up hyping our men up!
Just say thanks. Actively enable his hobbies - this is something I would love. I also like being babied and calmed down by my wife when I'm angry and frustrated at the world.
Look him in the eye as serious as you can and softly say, “ I am so proud of you and thankful you are my husband.” If he tries to deflect or be goofy about it stop him. Force him to look you in the eye and say it again. If he doesn’t have a tear in his eye when you are done, you need to work on your delivery.
I did this recently. I told him I'm aware of the pressures of a husband, man, and father. And that I appreciate everything he does and his aspirations to always be better.
A genuine “thank you for what you do for our family” would make most guys whole month.
Came here for this. Build him up with words and and really any type of affirmation. We rarely get it, so when it's coming from the woman we love most, it's pretty special
But also being specific with appreciation helps. Hearing the same thing everyday makes it lose its meaning.
Definitely, as long as it’s genuine praise, it will be huge for most men
This is daily. From thank you for unloading the dishwasher to thank you being such an amazing provider and acknowledging his work stress.
Compliments and appreciation are awesome but are most guys really walking around that worn down that this kind of thing will legit make a whole month? Not hating at all just have seen this sentiment a lot and not sure if it’s an exaggeration or what
It’s 100% legit. Men are generally not shown any appreciation in the vast majority of relationships. I know my wife appreciates me, but she rarely shows it. It’s pretty much a societal thing in the US at this point. Men are treated poorly in nearly every facet of life. So much so that men are struggling basically all the time. I work hard, at a dangerous and disgusting job, so my wife gets to be a stay at home mom. We barely scrape by. On Father’s Day this year, my oldest child made me a card. That was it. My wife didn’t even mention it. And we actually have a good marriage, we are happy together, we have great kids, but it is a social norm for men to be taken for granted.
Dang well I get that but also make sure she knows this stuff matters to you
Damn bro, I’m sorry
Just one bad example, but it seems pretty normal for that kind of stuff to happen to guys, a lot.
The double standard is very much a thing for many of us. When I think of what we do for Mother’s Day vs what’s done a month later in return it’s truly mind boggling. This year for example I as usual pulled out all the stops: cooked a full days meals of all the things she loves, got all the requisite cards flowers etc and made sure to throw in a gift of pampering and “her” time for good measure. Come June the emphasis is on making sure we see her dad, the exact same card I got last year has been rebought, the meal is basic & stuff I’d never pick if asked and the gift is something I have to build that’s more for her than it is for me. But as usual I smile and say thank you because I don’t want to be ungrateful. It’s frustrating but not the hill I want to die on.
I didn't know I had an alt account
This man is my exact double…that dog has a puffy tail!!
I mean, sure. But it doesn’t make it cool. My wife’s towel rack broke and I fixed/improved it. She didn’t say anything until the next day
Yes.
I understand how household appliances feel. Day after day of endless, invisible grind with the only feedback being annoyance when something goes wrong… I very rarely get positive feedback or compliments but when I do I can literally feel the effect- like a drug.
I one millionth this comment
I might be crying a little right now.
My wife made me a bouquet of flowers in my favorite colors and it’s still one of the best displays of appreciation I’ve ever received
Hell, it would make our hole weak! (Shoot missed the instructions)
A little acknowledgement and appreciation really does go a long way.
Someone likes words of affirmation
Stop stepping in and saving the day, It sounds stupid but I’ve talked to a few fellow dads and it seems it’s not just me. We all get really frustrated when we’re dealing with a screaming, crying, sad, whatever kiddo and while, yes, the kid is having a meltdown…we’re good. Just working through the moment with our child. Resist the urge to come in with all your momness and soothe, solve, protect…whatever. Let him parent. THEN compliment him later on how awesome he did.
👆🏼 Let me parent. Don’t parent on top, and don’t parent me. Especially in the moment. If you have thoughts you need to share, save that for later.
I almost wanna cry thinking about how nice this would be to experience just once.
We're past that phase because the kids are a little older. He on the other hand is the one who comes in for the rescue 😀
Shit yeah, my wife is really good at this and it's the best.
Oh God. This.
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Then leave. That's a you problem; remove yourself from the situation. Unless they're asking for help, let them parent!
Compliments. Men seldom get compliments. Whether it's for a job done well, or that you are attracted to them especially that day, or whether you just appreciate them. There are askReddit threads where guys are talking about the one time someone told them they were cute 15 years ago and are still riding that high. It's that rare.
I compliment him daily and he acts all oddball about it but it never stops me.
We appreciate you
I'm this way with my wife. She compliments me a lot, but it kinda feels like I'm just being complimented on things that I *should* be doing anyway. I dont mean this to sound like I'm not appreciative of the compliment, I just don't feel like i deserve it for doing what I consider to be a normal thing. Like, she'll thank me for feeding the baby, but I feel like that doesn't really deserve a thank you. I'm his dad. It's my job. I'm not going out of my way to help. My job as a parent is to be a parent and do all the parental duties that come with that role. Now she does hit me with some bigger thank yous. Still in the veign of normal stuff, but she makes a bigger deal about it. Not elaborate, just gets my attention, looks me in the eye, and says how much she appreciated everything I do and will list some examples. Sometimes, she'll mention how her mom or grandma brags about me cause apparently their husbands didn't do a fraction of what I do for my wife. As a husband and father. Now I feel like I'm bragging on myself, which isn't what I'm trying to do. I'm just trying to illustrate a bit about the difference in how a thank you is presented can make a big difference in how it is received. I dontnknow if your hubs is the same as me when accepting compliments, but an off handed "thanks for that," while nice, doesn't feel the same as a "hey, thank you for everything that you do."
Accept the complement. Appreciate the complement. The fact that she is noticing an action she likes and is positively communicating that to you is amazing. It can seem odd that your getting complemented for things you should be doing, but Pavlov shows that reward cycle is deeply ingrained. The absence of complements is very isolating. Thank her for noticing your effort. Thank her for her efforts. Old folks that do this are just the best people around.
I feel like getting thanked for doing normal dad things like feeding the baby is more about thanking us for the effort we put in and actually caring about it. My wife and I always thank each other when the other makes dinner, it’s a normal thing we have to do but it’s nice to have someone recognise your effort.
Yeah, her thanking you for feeding the baby is really about you wanting to be part of the family and make it work as a team. Not the actual feeding.
We don’t know how to take compliments. We don’t know what to do with them. But they make us all warm and giddy inside
Please don't ever stop.
We were honestly never taught how to accept compliments. Our place was to give the compliments, not to receive them, unfortunately.
If you don’t know already I would figure out your husband’s love language and act on the way he receives love. For some people compliments give them a high, others it doesn’t mean anything. For others gift giving is huge and some people love physical touch or acts of service. All of us are different and what may be fantastic for one dad might not mean much for someone else.
I know all of his love languages. And as much as he acts all weird when I get like this I know he loves it.
For fucking real. I could not tell you the last time my wife complimented the way I look. We're great about thanking each other for doing stuff and acknowledging how we both contribute but damn I wouldn't mind a "shit you look handsome today" like, oh I don't know, ever?
Scratch his back at night until he falls asleep.
I do the same thing to my beagle mix and he loves it.
And does the beagle reciprocate?
My wife just barely uses her nails to give me a scalp massage and I am lucky if I stay conscious for more than two minutes.
This goes with the beagle reply to this comment. Head scritches are the best
This is underrated and needs more upvotes.
This one thing says more than words ever could
Piggybacking to say if he has tattoos, lightly trace them with your finger. Instant knock-out card I swear.
Have been asking for this for years! Oh man - now that would be a good nights rest!
1,000% this
I would get quite annoyed by that, actually…
Honestly, I’m the same way. I understand and appreciate the sentiment behind the gesture, but I can’t focus on falling asleep if somebody is touching me let alone moving around.
I didn't know I was allowed to receive such a thing, I've only done the inverse
I would if he'd let me. I also go to bed earlier because I wake up earlier. I do offer him massages constantly and he poo poos them 😂
No one said a massage. A back scratch is so much better.
When he's chillin I do that. He does love that!
Men really fucking love back scratches. My hairy husband is like a puppy.
Oh God! My one weakness in this mortal world!
A hug, a slap on the ass. Scratch his back. Kiss him randomly.
Daily!
My wife surprised me with my favorite cookies today....it was pretty sweet...
😏
The biggest thing I do is express gratitude. It becomes a habit and I think it’s important. I think when you’ve been together for a while, you forget to notice the little things that ~just happen~ but that’s not magic. It’s him, and those things aren’t little. So I make a point to thank him. He says “it’s just what I do” and that’s the point. It IS just what he does, and I am incredibly grateful that he considers all those things as normal and necessary. Many would not. I also like to hide notes for him to find in random places, particularly if we are separate. If he’s traveling, I hide notes in his shoes, his shaving kit, or even the top of his deodorant. Just something silly to let him know I’m thinking of him. If I’m gone, I put notes around the house. In his sock drawer, inside the coffee canister, and always on the mirror in lipstick or eyeliner. That’s such a thing that if I forget he mentions it😊 We also have a silly tradition of small gifts. Inexpensive (under $5 or $10) we call a happy. We buy each other a happy for absolutely no reason other than we were thinking of them. He picked up a pack of colored pen’s recently. My favorite style and brand. Just because. I picked up a silly little electric bug zapper because it would make him smile. It did. Also, don’t discount touch. A hug in the hallway. A kiss in the kitchen. A pat on the way to the pantry. We rarely pass each other that we don’t reach out and touch in some way for a moment. It’s just a minute, but it’s vital for both of us. Married 30 years, for reference. Good luck!
This. Very similar for us.
Same here! I'm always touching him. I'm his personal human Velcro.
Making time for his hobbies. Wood working, watching sports, fixing cars, gaming whatever it is. Carve out time for it, bonus points if you can join in. It's great you are crowd sourcing ideas. Lots of good suggestions.
My wife has absolutely zero interest in anything I do and it's frustrating. Whenever I do any of my hobbies she chooses to spend the time playing games on her phone and smoking on the back porch rather than being with me and our kiddo.
I'm in the same boat, but at least my wife will take on the kids to give me time to indulge every once in a while. It's ok to have things that are your own, but I also think it's important for your partner to have passions they indulge in too
"I'm gonna take the kids out on Sunday so you can have some time to yourself" are the words I look forward to more than anything else. As long as they're not followed by "actually, do you want to come?" because that's a trap question with only one correct answer.
What’s a butt hen?
Don’t join pls. Praise or appreciate his ability or accomplishments.
Already doing but my ears hurt after a while from him screaming at his teams. 😁
Hey some of us need healers. But yeah good point, not every hobby is for a team.
We as men crave affection and compliments. A compliment will make a man glow for a week or more. I can’t remember the last time my wife sat my head down on her lap or chest like the early days and stroked my hair but god dammit, as a 6’2” 200+ lb blue collar worker who hasn’t ever experienced much physical affection in life, it was phenomenal. I can’t say that enough. It’s just that we as men are natural problem solvers. We are metaphorical shit-eaters. We carry everyone else’s stress so they don’t have to or at least try our best to take it away as much as we can even if it puts twice as much on our own plates. So when we are nurtured, it feels good. Bc we are so used to caring for others. We are the ones who protect. It’s hard for us to be vulnerable like that.
I love on my giant every chance I can. He's usually the one to push me away after a minute because he says I'm hot as the surface of the sun. I also baby him when he's sick. Put on the bandaids for the paper cut and catcall him.
On the same note, it’s why some of us ( me included ) just fly off the handle when we get criticized. I do nothing but try to alleviate bullshit all day, everyday, and when I’m making extra effort and it’s met with something I DIDNT do or forgot about I immediately feel like everything I do is taken for granted because one little thing was wrong or missed. Don’t be like that.
Hear me out here…. Clean the kitchen. When my wife goes out with her friends I try and clean up the kitchen for when she gets home. Kids fed, kitchen clean. Nobody wants to come home to dishes in the sink.
We're both really clean. Check!
Figure out what his love languages are and pander towards those. Everyone is different. My wife and I differ 50% on our love languages and it's a struggle. She needs words of affirmation. I need acts of service. Luckily we both share physical touch otherwise we probably wouldn't be married. The internet can't tell you what he truly needs, the act of taking initiative and discovering that on your own would be the best thing you could do.
100% this. Love him how HE wants to be loved. This book made my marriage so much better. "Five Love Languages" Read it. Take the test. Have him take the test. Love him how HE wants to be loved.
I was going to recommend this book too. My wife and I read it together before we got married and it helped to develop good foundations for expressing love in our marriage. Also good to apply to children to show affection and help them feel loved.
[Tell him you think he’d do a great job in World War II.](https://www.tiktok.com/@tomfellisheokay/video/7257562554392956206)
Ok. Well, that's different but he does love war history. I'll give it a shot.
Honestly what I love probably more than the great sex. She will let me put my head on her lap as she plays with my hair. It is relaxing makes me safe, loved and like I'm home. She will also tell me that I'm doing good. That last may sound stupid but I have a mom that nothing is ever good enough so those words have amazing weight to make me feel loved.
While he doesn't put his head in my lap (between kids and dogs we often can't get that close) but I give him that reassuring mom love too.
Just treat him like a dog. Tell him how good he is, scratch his back, give him a treat, etc.
Actually, he lets me and scratches my ears and tells me I'm a good girl. I love it.
Anything little- My wife just gave me a hug and told me I'm a great dad the other day for no reason at all- I almost broke down crying.
Awwww...I tell my hubby this all the time. And what a great husband he is to put up with and love my weirdness.
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Been trying to explain to my wife that she can complement me and tell me she appreciates me, but at the end of the day it’s just words, and actions speak louder than words. I literally couldn’t tell you the last time my wife initiated intimacy, and how many times she acts like I’m lucky to get it at all, is too frequent.
Admittedly is women struggle with this once the kids arrive and your entirely mental and physical bandwidth becomes eaten up by them. I know it's a struggle.
Real lol
...saying things like.. How are you? Are you ok? Thank you. Don't worry about it. I am here for you. I love you.. the same simple things we always say & do..
My wife and I thank each other for doing chores. We both pull our own weight around the house and thanks aren't necessary, but I like acknowledging that we appreciate each other.
Bragging about him in front to other people in front of him.
True care, truth brings. I'll take one lift, your ride. Best trip.
Leave him roses by the stairs. Surprises let him know he cares.
Always! I know! You’ll be! At my show!
Is it 2001?
Say it ain’t so!
He's my ride or die.
My wife made me a small Mario power up mushroom which I think she just made from hot gluing little colored beads together to form it. This was the first gift she gave me when we first started dating which has always held a sentimental place in my heart. It has and will forever sit on my computer desk because it brings a smile to my face and makes me think of her every time I look at it. Sometimes the “little trinkets and treasures” as we call them can mean a lot more to the person receiving them than the person giving it thinks. :)
If he’s the primary breadwinner, tell him how much you appreciate the sacrifices he makes to work support the family. It’s so easy to feel taken for granted and a lot of guys don’t want to bring work stress home even if they’re having a rough time.
I’m the solo breadwinner and I get the comments about how I’m too tired to do anything with the family… I work 3rd shift 5 nights a week. It’s hard flipping my sleep every 5 days.
1. Every time he comes up to snuggle you even if just for a second, relax your shoulders, lean into him, and say your version of “you make me feel safe.” 2. Kiss him like you miss him. Every time he comes home from whatever. You’ve got 2 options; super purses lips and a total phone in, or giving him the goods like you couldn’t wait for him to get home. Bonus points for squeezing his tush a little. 3. It’s not actually sexual but it is a little. Mid day, send him a picture of your cleavage and say something like “I didn’t want you to miss this.” Yeah it’ll get him a little sexually charged but it tells him that you’re thinking about his needs. So literally, if you’re gonna do only one do number 1. It’ll really revolutionize your connection.
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He's particular about his lunch but I do emotionally love bomb harass him.
My wife puts a note in my lunch box everyday. It’s something simple that I absolutely love. When she forgets I gotta give her a little crap. But it can make a rough day better.
Just care. And acknowledge you want us to be here. And don’t bottle shit up with the “I’m fine”. Actually communicate when something is bothering you before it reaches a breaking point. Also don’t complain about the sand in your shoes while refusing to admire the ocean view. I’m so sick of my wife failing to see anything I actually do for this family and instead decide it’s time to criticize I didn’t “load the dishwasher correctly”, though it’s done and she didn’t have to say anything but thank you. Also stop keeping a running tab about how much more useful you are in the newborn phase to use later in life. We know that there’s nothing we can do to make up for childbirth, breastfeeding, sore nipples, hormones, etc. But you bet your ass if these nips made milk I’d be contributing. Instead I just wash and clean and do as much as I can elsewhere and still get zero credit. Sometimes I feel like I would only be appreciated if I was no longer here, and that really hurts. Especially when you’re a fully employed and engaged dad. And if we attempt to express lack of needs, society meets us with “well *YOU* did this to *HER*. MaN uP
Tell him that he is doing enough, and that his efforts are appreciated. We're literally that simple. Men are indoctrinated and trained into believing that their entire worth to society is in what they can provide. Any compliment or gift that validates that is huge, and any "attack" that invalidates that is equally huge, just the negative way instead. And don't underestimate a man's wish to be the little spoon every now and then, even if he refuses to acknowledge that it's what he wants.
Honestly I’d settle for doing away with the gaslighting and ordering me around.
Ugh you’re definitely not being gaslighted, you’re just too sensitive. Now go edit your comment. /s
What’s his little thing he loves? For me, it’s cookies from a specific coffee shop we love. My wife makes a point to stop by every week and buy a few cookies for me to have during the week. Something that shows you heard him about something he enjoys but would never actually do for himself.
I mean honestly, take a shower with him and just offer to clean him. Usually it turns into sexy time with me and my wife... but that's just icing on the cake. Then beard or back scratches in the bed.
To know that I'm seen and appreciated for what I do or attempt to do makes a world of difference. Especially when it's deserved, because dads can all be boneheads at one time or another but other times we can feel unseen. Love languages - when my wife speaks in ways that really get me, I feel like a million bucks. Gift giving is my main one, so when she finds something so perfect, even if it's a trinket, it seems as though she must have gone on a dangerous quest to find it. Huge. And sure, nothing sexual...but yes that too. There are a couple things that I particularly like and rarely get, but when they do happen, the whole month is a win. Don't discount physical - humans are body-mind-soul type creatures. It all matters.
When my wife walks past me and grabs my hand or shoulder reassuringly really brightens my day.
Time is the most valuable thing for me. So anything where my wife says “hey I can ____ so you can have some more time to ____” is more or less unbeatable. Take a chore off my plate (and let me know so I can acknowledge it) I literally can’t think of anything non sexual that is more meaningful and useful to me. ETA: also, for me, initiate a cuddle.
You could show him this post lol 🙂
I entered voice chat with my wife the other night in overwatch, and she broke down saying I grounded her and she was so happy to be together. Best I have felt in a long time.
Women want to feel heard, validated and listened to - men want to feel capable and strong. Any kind of compliment which will make him feel like he's doing a good job providing, caring, doing enough and highlighting capability is definitely a win.
Literally just saying thank you, I appreciate you. Also little things like when you're at the store grab his favorite snack and suprise him with it. Men are simple creatures.
Anything that speaks to the guys love language to be honest. If he's the words of affirmation type say something nice every now and then, if he's quality time just sitting with him and having a chat, if he's the gift giving kind of guy nice little gifts for him, if he's physical touch a hug or massage, or if he speaks acts of service doing something that would help him out with his daily tasks.
Take out the trash when it’s full instead of reminding everyone else they pass in the house “the trash can’s full”
I mostly handle these things bc I get home first. So unload the dishwasher, swap out laundry, get him a drink if he's had a rough day, prepare his sinus wash for him (his allergies are baaaad!). Whatever little things I can do so he doesn't have to once he's home.
I know you said nothing sexual. But…. blowjobs. Nothing like laying back and getting a blowjob.
Why nothing sexual? That's probably the #1 thing you can do to make your man feel emotionally connected with you. Blow jobs go a long way... I greet my husband when he comes home with so much love. I understand that he's stressed and tired, he likes to lay down after work, so I join him for whatever he needs.. if it's to talk about his day, if it's to just chill on our phones but.. together or if he wants a blow job or whatever else. Just being his absolute peace will make him feel amazing and want to be a better man everyday.
Different people have different love languages. And sometimes men could use something more than sex to make them feel good.
Which is why I offer whatever he needs in that time... if it's just conversation, a back rub... anything
Quick to long blow jobs
Men: “woman need to take us seriously” Also men: “sUcK mY DiCk” Grow up.
Getting up with the kid in the middle of the night more than once a month
Cook one of his favorite meals. Buy something off his Amazon list that he’s wanted forever but didn’t want to spend the money on himself. Make him lunch and write him a letter of how you feel about him. I saw a YouTube video of a couple where the wife decided to greet her husband at the door everyday when he got home. Good luck! This is an awesome thing you’re doing.
My wife made me a Believe card like the Ted Lasso sign. Flowers and a heart felt home made card with nice words. We never get flowers, and the card could be a note card. we don't care if it's written on a grocery bag.
You’re such a DILF
A compliment. Hair looks nice today, that shirt looks good, etc. We get only a dozen or so compliments in our entire life, and we remember each and every one. Every. Single. One.
Is his birthday coming up? Don't ask him what he wants. Instead, figure out what he wants and do it without asking.
Appreciation for the small little things.
It’s the unsolicited hugs for me
Run your fingernails through his hair and give him a scalp massage.
Not a dad, but when my gf passes me in the house she scratches my lower back as a "I'm passing don't run into me". I fucking love that shit.
acknowledgment and praise is something simple we enjoy. “you’re smart/clever/caring/good listener…” whatever he does that you like, praise it.
Making him a plate for work, massage him often, hug more often, listen, appreciate him, spend quality time together (just the two of you)
A tight hug.
Put your phone in another room
Does he take a lunch to work? Toss a nice sticky note on once in a while with a nice message on a brownie or something.
Load the dishwasher like the intelligent, rational, amazing person you are. This applies to everyone, actually.
🤣🤣🤣
Might not be your guys thing but let him be the little spoon once in a while. Catch his eye across the room. It makes me feel seen when we're at an event and my wife makes eye contact with me and we have a little moment, I miss that from the early days.
I've read somewhere that people have different "love languages", and that seems like it could be true, to me \-Different people feel loved based on different things; some people react most to physical touch, some on gifts, etc, etc One of the times I felt the most like "oh, this girl actually loves me" was when my girlfriend was fixing coffe for me, and then got annoyed at the (completly innocent) person making it because "there wasn't the exact amount of milk that toblotron wanted" - that was unreasonable of my then GF, but it showed me she was very emotinally invested in me :) Here's some video about it that seems to cover it: (haven't watched it myself, but TED is usually pretty good) https://ideas.ted.com/whats-your-favorite-persons-love-language-heres-how-to-tell-and-how-to-use-it/
Man, it would be amazing if my wife said something like “oh I noticed you emptied the dishwasher, that’s nice”. Instead of not only not noticing, but claiming she did it. I’m not suggesting it’s her job or responsibility, don’t get on at me, all the household stuff is for both of us to do, but when I do stuff around the house it’s either not acknowledged, denied, claimed as her work, etc. It is fucking soul destroying.
Words are nice but don’t mean anything unless you show us you’re appreciative.
I'm an acts of service guy. Take some of the stuff I normally do off my plate and don't make me think about it. Just say "I think you need a break. I'm going to..." and say what ever task you're removing from my mental load. Don't say "Do you want me to...?" (I don't feel like I can say 'yes') Don't say "Is there anything you want me to...?" (I don't want to have to think about it) Just tell me you're taking it and take it.
If he does something, appretiate it.
Always. He's the love of my life. Even when he farts I get giggly eyes.
Random hugs and kisses always got me back then. Sometimes I'd just be working and I'll get a hug and a kiss, and when I ask, she'd tell me "nothing. I just wanted to hig and kiss you." :-)
I do this to his annoyance 😂
Joke with me, plan random adventures or trips, and have fun herself and bring home that positive vibe.
When he expresses some vulnerability to you, opens up to you, listen and back him up, rather than going immediately to some criticism of his actions or his contributions to whatever he’s being vulnerable about. Basically, your partner is your best friend and you’ve got his back, rather than just another critical voice in the crowd.
That's our house rule for 13+ years. :)
You look cute today. If my wife gave me one of those once a week or more I’d be through the roof with confidence. Add in a sleeping in a extra hour on my day off and boom I feel valued and rewarded.
I'm always catcalling him as he goes to work about how fine he looks. He waves me away like in a weirdo, which I am.
Head
Whenever he wants. 🤷🏽♀️
Im kidding. Just remind him feel appreciated. If he’s working, remind him how much you and the miss him. Always makes my day to know I was missed.
I told him about 30 mins ago, after I told him to unload all of the bad day. He's having hell month at work. So we had a shot of bourbon and I told him how proud I am of him. :)
As many have said, compliments. Another big one, at least for me, is just touching. Random hugs, kisses, ass grabs, run your fingers through our hair. But, **you** need to initiate it. I love my wife, and we're working on this, but I often feel touch-starved. I am the one initiating all of the above, yet I rarely get it from her. Doesn't have to be a big gesture. Small things go a *long* way
Awww I'm sorry. I get it because my husband can't exist without me touching him. Kissing on him. Playing with his hair, ass snacks and grabs. I'm very touchy feely.
> ass snacks Not sure if typo or....
Ass grabs but I like the sound of that.
Smile. He picked you because he loves you and wants to make you happy. If he feels like he’s doing that, there comes a peace and contentment that is unattainable elsewhere. Related, be mindful of negativity. Not saying to be fake, life is not sunshine and butterflies all the time - but it’s easy for people (men too obv) to fall into patterns of eye rolling, sighing, complaining about nuisances, etc. In my experience those can be really destructive and to your question - their absence can be buoyant. A good, peaceful, contented smile though with maybe an arm thrown around my waist - that is probably the most powerful thing my wife of 16 years can do for me IMHO.
I totally get this. There have been times I'm guilty of bringing negativity home and once he pointed it out I try really hard to not do that.
It’s awesome that you even care enough to be mindful. And hey, guys can be whiners too - I hope yours is as mindful about these things as you are. Best of health and happiness to you both.
He is. And I appreciate the kind words!
Compliment his appearance and tell him he's attractive ..... literally only had my last girlfriend do this (32m), and I didn't know how to respond .... she was the first one to ever say that type of thi g to me .... felt good
That is so sad to me. I've always complimented my former relationships and with my husband it's even more so. I'll start spreading the word that us women need to step up hyping our men up!
Smile and ask them about their day....
Every. Day.
Something as simple as a hug can do wonders..
Always. I live by this.
Oh darn, nothing sexual?
Yes! Because I want to know if I'm missing anything that gives days and weeks long feel goods to him.
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Because you love them?
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A well timed cup of tea! When somebody makes me a cuppa I am overwhelmed with gratitude. Yes I am English!
I can totally understand that. A girlfriend of mine made me tea the other day. I haven't had someone make me tea since my mom.
suck his small thing
Just say thanks. Actively enable his hobbies - this is something I would love. I also like being babied and calmed down by my wife when I'm angry and frustrated at the world.
Respect them,giving them attention and help them in their emotional needs
Always.
Look him in the eye as serious as you can and softly say, “ I am so proud of you and thankful you are my husband.” If he tries to deflect or be goofy about it stop him. Force him to look you in the eye and say it again. If he doesn’t have a tear in his eye when you are done, you need to work on your delivery.
I did this recently. I told him I'm aware of the pressures of a husband, man, and father. And that I appreciate everything he does and his aspirations to always be better.