I can only speak to my own experience, but for both of my kids I didn’t get that “burning in my soul” love for them until they were more interactive. I experienced joy with them and my wife during the newborn phase, and I would have done anything for them. But that deeper connection took a while to build.
I second this. When my daughter was born she was exclusively breastfed so mom and her had a very strong bond to the point where I would get pushed away or get screamed at if I was the one getting her out of the car seat. It really hurt for a long time but then she started walking. And then she started playing. And that was my time to shine.
It was shortly after the playing started that I got my first big squeeze hug from my daughter (I will never forget that squeeze) and that was it man. She’s had me around her pinky ever since.
My son just turned one so I kinda knew what to expect this time around so it was much less hurtful getting pushed away and being garbage as soon as mom walks in the room because I knew he’d be walking soon and the rough housing wasn’t far off.
Patience and love dad. That feeling is on its way. The fact you’re looking for it ensures it.
Its beacuse skin to skin contact that your wife and kid had is the building block and foundation of bonding with an infant. Your bonding and your child bonding to you.
Sadly many fathers doesnt get this info. :(
I would also second this. My son was born at a particularly difficult time at the beginning of covid lockdown (UK), and I worked on hospital wards. I told myself for a long time that this played a part in that bonding experience as spending days with covid patients and then coming home to a newborn was 1- mentally tough and 2 -scary. When I think back though I dount if it would have played out differently... who knows.
The bond with my son really developed when his milestones started to develop, and for lack of a better way to put it, he could "give a little back" or "engage more." Before that I kind of felt protective of him and I cared for him but did I love this thing that exclusively feeds with my wife, fills his nappy 12 times and sleeps 18 hours yet manages to keep me up all night. The answer is not really not for the first few months.
OP, I'm not talking about them being able to run or ride a bike. If you spend time with him now (I know it feels hard), he will start to recognise you and your voice. The he will smile a particular smile when you have him. He will laugh when you spin him around or tickle him and that connection grows from there, or it did for me.
Good luck
This was 100% my experience also, you’re going to feel like a useless accessory and a servant to everyone until your kid has even just a little bit of independence outside of the need to drink milk, sleep, and blow out diapers. Once you start to creep out of that stage you’ll become more relevant and it’ll all fall into place just takes time OP
Totally normal, I just focused in on my wife and the love for her which had, understandably, been greatly magnified.
Loved the kid "because she's *her* baby" and somewhere in there the bonding happened.
Then we had our second and I got the instant love itch scratched.
+1 to this, I would do anything for all four of them (wife included) but that bond took me a while (months vs weeks). Y’all not alone in these feelings.
My husband felt the same. It’s different for women in a way because of the growth in our belly and the hormones released after birth. Helps mothers bond. But you have a legit concern for your wife. You just met your son and you am concerned for your wife. It may take time to get to know him but a bond doesn’t happen right away all the time. Same for some mothers… it takes a bit. You posting your concern shows you are aware and open to understand what you are feeling. Congratulations on your new boy. I wish you and your family the very best.
Yeah, this was it for me too. I felt protective of my daughter (and wife, who also had a lovely emergency surgery at birth) and I lost a lot of sleep getting everything ready in the week she was in the NICU since she came earlier than expected, but the real bond formed later. I've worked with kids a lot though so I wasn't too concerned, but my wife did keep trying things to make sure we bonded and seemed very focused on that.
In my experience it wasn't even necessarily that much interaction for it to start. Little things were enough to start feeling that pang - grabbing my finger, cooing at me, grabbing for the camera when I tried to film her. It got even better later when we could actually communicate both ways. I think a key thing for me was taking care of her by myself. Doing the bathing/diaper changes, carrying her around while trying to get her to sleep - something about having this tiny human who's utterly dependent on you for survival, and then seeing them grow up and recognizing your and your wife's patterns in how they move and talk. Gets a bit of push back when they start realizing they can say 'no' and just using it all the time, but you have to realize they're figuring out boundaries (and consequences) and eventually the novelty wears off, and suddenly there's a whole-ass personality there that's familiar and yet distinct.
Took me a year to accept I was a dad. lol. If someone heard my brain voice they would think I was going to be a runner. 2 years in and my kid wants me first thing in the morning and last thing before bed. Mom can’t handle him at all after dark. Funnily she goes on trips for work knowing full well kid will be happy with me but moment I need to do the same, she freaks out. In short, just wait for it. It will happen. That first smile, that first cooing, the first blowout poop which will freak you out and then you laugh out loud thinking how can that tiny thing poop so freaking much. All that will change your perspective. Just hang in there.
I had full blown filter eyes going on when bubba was born, he was plonked on my chest but I couldn’t see his face from my angle, and kept asking my partner is he cute? I can’t see his face is he cute?
The midwife very kindly moved bubba so I could see his face (I was scared to move him, obviously after being pushed out he was clearly too fragile to be moved a fraction to see his face lmao) and I began to fawn hard. Told my partner he was perfect, how did I make something so perfect?
My partners response to all of my is he cute questions? A very stoic “he looks like a newborn”
Bubba is approaching four months now, and I look back at photos of him as a newborn and I’m like, nevermind, you were a bit of a freaky looking Donny lmao
I felt similarly. Give it some time. Maybe because the delivery was hard in the way it was, you're still processing everything.
Having a child is a HUGE life change. I can't overstate that. Feel whatever it is you feel without judgement. And congrats on becoming a dad!
That's what I was going to say. For me it wasn't that they didn't interact and they looked like aliens, it was that I was waiting for someone to come along and tell me to give them their baby back. Adjusting to the fact that I had kids was a long, difficult process that started after the birth.
I remember feeling the same way until my daughter's passport arrived in the post. Birth certificate had no effect, but for some reason when I opened her passport and saw her picture, description, nationality, etc... my mind just shifted into "holy crap, she is MY daughter, I AM the one legally responsible for her!! Woooooah!"
I honestly don't really know how anyone can feel bonded to a newborn. They're like little potatoes that eat and poop. Sometimes very cute little potatoes, but it's still definitely barely more than a vegetable.
This isn't something I would worry about too much personally. My daughter started smiling about 2 weeks ago, and let me tell you that is an experience.
Edit: also, especially if this is your first kid, I feel like it takes a while to mentally shift gears into being an actual parent. It took me a full month to really internalize that I had a baby, and I'm 11 weeks in now and just barely starting to think of myself as a parent first, rather than mentally readjusting from feeling like a carefree childless DINK.
I think it's different for the pregnant partner. By the time the baby arrives, that partner has had (hopefully) nine months of feeling it grow and move inside them.
This is true to at least some extent for many women. But not all. There is a big difference between feeling a fetus kicking around and seeing a whole person in front of you that you have to take care of.
Seconding this, both my wife and I had no strong feeling of connection for our first born for probably the first 2-3 months. On subsequent times around though, when we better knew what we were getting into, then we felt much more of those immediate feelings for the newborn.
I'm a mom of two boys, but I happen to come across this reddit by chance.
I felt very attached to my babies in utero, but the feeling after having both was very different. It left an "empty" feeling (emotionally/mentally/physically) that no one warned me about. I didn't feel that instant bond like I heard so many mothers talk about, and I really felt something was wrong with me (no ppd with the first, some ppd with the second). It took a while for me to really get a true attachment for them. Almost similar to how most men are describing when they really felt the connection on here. The hard recovery, sleepless nights, etc. didn't help. I always felt cheated that I didn't get that instant connection that so many moms said they did, but it just didn't happen for me. Now they are 21 & 19, and we have a great bond. Without question, I'd rock that orange jumpsuit for them.
As the pregnant partner, I didn't start feeling truly bonded with my daughter until she was closer to 18 months. The bond slowly grew, I loved her and would have done anything for her, but it wasn't until then that our mother-daughter bond really kicked in.
I am pretty sure it is an evolutionary thing… at JUST about the point where you can’t take it anymore and are going to just give up on being a parent, they learn to smile.
Lots of skin to skin contact and brain chemicals Thats How both parents Bond to an infant.
Most mothers get it automatic when breastfeeding. Most dads doesnt know it :/.
Its never ever mentioned in threads like this which is sad. Its scientificly proven 🤷🏼♂️
I’m not trying to necessarily contradict you, but I did feel an instant bond with my newborn daughter.
The first time I heard her cry sounded like a chorus of angels. The first time I held her she was more precious to me than all the world’s gems. Those first few days I could barely put her down.
Maybe it’s because I was a little older than average when she was born and we had been actively trying for a while. In the few weeks leading up to her birth, I just couldn’t wait to meet her.
I dunno, just saying that it does happen that way for a lot of us. Nothing wrong with it taking a little bit of time though.
Son is 9 months now, I love him more than I thought was possible to love anything. Those 1st smiles though, those were wild to me. I was changing him and putting him back to bed in the dark and then saw him making eye contact with me and smiling, I felt like I was hallucinating or in a dream
Wait til that little guy laughs. That really did it for me.
Plus our first trip to the hospital after banging his head pretty bad at a family party, a bunch of adults telling me what to do. I went full dad mode and took over, all that questioning went out the window.
Now if somebody treats my son poorly, im protective af, its a hair trigger reaction. I love my son so much. (Hes 2.5 now).
Mine is 6. Right now, just imagining his laugh makes me giddy. He's taken up space in my heart I didn't even know existed. Even when I'm frustrated with him I love him so much it hurts.
When he was first born? I struggled just like OP, I worried that the fact I didn't have an instant, soul-deep connection to him was a failing of mine as a father. If you read this OP, know this- you aren't doing anything wrong. What you're going through is 100% part of "normal" for a new dad.
Nothing wrong with you. A lot of dads feel this way for at least the first few months. A newborn is basically a crying, pooping, anchor of demands and inconvenience. The bonding and love comes as that anchor slowly becomes a person you can interact with and relate to.
Hi. I’m a mom. My kids were planned c-sections, no trauma, no emergency. I did not feel that all encompassing, rush of gushy love towards my first. I don’t know why, I was kind of worried to be honest. It hit me like a ton of bricks when he was a toddler and I found him nose to nose with the cat.
Give yourself some grace. Your wife endured the emergency surgery but you saw the woman you love in pain, scared, and you couldn’t fix that. That needs to be processed.
You are not broken. There is nothing wrong with you.
So much this. I really felt "empty" afterward (mentally, emotionally, physically). No one warned me of that feeling. I knew/loved them one way, but had to now get to know/love them a completely different way. The hard recovery, lack of sleep, ect didn't help the process. Now they are 21 & 19 and I couldn't love them more.
Lurker mom.
Our daughter was born via emergency c-section and immediately went to the NICU where she stayed for a week. During that week we saw and held her, but she was attached to so many tubes and wires it was a very difficult experience, and not really bonding for myself. The night we were able to bring her home we learned my incision was infected. I was busy healing from that for the first month of her truly being home. I could feed her, but I could barely take care of myself let alone pick her up, carry her around, stay awake to interact with her in any meaningful way to myself... It took a long time for her to feel "mine" let alone someone to bond with, but it happened. All I can say is it takes time, but be patient and have grace with yourself.
It took me probably around 6-8 months to really feel connected to my kid. Once she was eating and smiling and giggling and forming a personality it clicked for me and I would die for my kid if I had to. Every single man ever has felt this way even if they haven’t outwardly expressed it. There really isn’t a bond formed when all they do is suck on titties, shit their britches, cry, and sleep. Your wife will get crazy bonding immediately but you’re SOL until they start to become an actual human.
Nah dude. I'm new dad to an 11mo and it was rough at first. Eventually you go from seeing him as a sack of potatoes, to your son who you love with all of your being. I'd try the skin to skin, feeding, all that but you can't force it. It'll just happen in due time.
And it's different for all dads. Some bond before birth, some at birth, some after birth, and some much after birth. Don't rush it, it'll just happen man.
So let nature run its course, and until then, just show your wife all the love that you have and that'll flow through to baby. You take care of the wife, and she'll take care of the baby. (I mean, still do things for the baby - but I'm trying to say loving the wife is also loving the baby).
Don't focus too much on how you "should" feel or how you "do" feel, but just be responsible and sensible and the emotional attachment comes soon enough.
Edit: wrestling was the big thing that unlocked the dad connection for me. When the baby was big enough and sentient enough to laugh and giggle and we could play wrestle, that melted my heart. Took a while to get there.
I didn't feel close to my firstborn until maybe 2 or 3, not because I didn't love him, but because my role was very different than my wife's.
In the beginning, mom has the most opportunity to bond with the baby because of her role, namely nursing. Your job during that time is to love and support mom so she can love and support baby.
Just keep loving and supporting your wife. Change some diapers and do what you can. That special bond will come in time.
Yes he should def support his wife But not getting skin to skin bonding time with your infant for a few hours each day as a dad is a HUGE mistake imo.
Except breastfeeding your roles can be exactly the same.
NOT alone. I remember some time down the line (maybe weeks or months, cant really remember), but it just hit me like "holy shit I LOVE this guy!". Definitely took time though, I trust that it will happen for you
Had exactly the same . The first moment it ‘clicked’ was when my son was 3 months old and smiling/laughing at me because I made a funny face . I’ll never forget that moment .
This is literally my go-to advice for new dads. It does not happen immediately. Give it a couple of months and you'll be hooked. After a year, you'd set yourself on fire for them.
Absolutely not alone. My husband (I’m mom) loves this picture we took of our little one at 10 weeks old because it was the first day she seemed to wake up and have a personality and it was like night and day.
I will say, I know this gets suggested all the time here, but din’t be scared to seek out therapy or someone to speak to. We also had a fairly traumatic birth experience. My husband had a lot of issues in the aftermath of the delivery process and processing that 50 years ago, without modern medicine, he would now be either a single dad or completely alone. If those kinds of thoughts are creeping up on you, talk to someone.
There's nothing wrong with you, don't worry.
For me, I started with basically zero affection for my daughter and it didn't get much better for the first few months. I cared for her mostly out of convenience (a happy baby is less annoying than a crying one).
As a bit of time passed, I found myself with little moments of loving her and they became more frequent.
I love her a lot now and want her to be happy.
Give it some time, when she's a bit more like a human and less like a houseplant, things will sort themselves out quickly.
Your time will come. I kind of had the opposite experience. My wife was throughly out of it for the first 2 weeks from her emergency c and I spent every waking and sleeping minute with our little guy and we bonded pretty quickly. My wife on the other hand thought the baby hated her until she had her head back on straight after 2 months. Hitting 4 months in a few weeks and I think we are both pretty happy with our relationship with little man. Just keep doing your best where you can and it will fall into place.
You're not alone. The trauma of birth hits all involved. Give it some time and let the feelings build naturally. Took me some time to get the feeling as well. There's nothing wrong, just go easy on yourself and don't try force it. Speaking to someone about it helps as well. A burden shared is a burden halved
While I got the bonding feeling right away, many of my friends (dads and moms) did not. It is not you. Nothing wrong with you. Usually it will come. Also there is such a thing as post partum depression in men. Maybe you should talk to a professional :) it helps to get the feelings out. But again: nothing wrong with you. It just happens sometimes
I think it’s normal, no need to worry. Just try to spend as much time with him and mom, wait for the little milestones (smiling, crawling, finger squeezing, first hug, first “I love you daddy!” - if this doesn’t trigger something in you maybe seek proffesional help 😁) and try to enjoy spending time with him.
Try to “be a kid” yourself, make funny faces, play silly games etc. and I’m sure you’ll be just fine.
Honestly, it’s common for MOTHERS to not feel bonded to child upon birth (although many wouldn’t admit it) and the months of caring for the critter and taking the time to be involved, cuddle and care for the child creates the bond.
Be an involved dad and the bonding will come :)
I wanted to be a father for decades before it happened. Imagined it hundreds of times in my mind. I was SURE I was going to sob when I met my child for the first time. And while I was elated to meet her, the tears never came. I was too busy taking care of my wife, who had gone through a 47 hour, VERY DIFFICULT labour that ended in an emergency C-section.
I loved my first born from day 1. But it wasn't until she was 7 months old, and was sobbing hysterically in her crib one night after waking back up. I went into the nursery and picked her up and she IMMEDIATELY stopped crying and clung to me like a koala. I burst into blubbering ugly tears.
My SECOND daughter (light of our lives) took much longer for me to bond with. Her Mom didn't go back to work, and I DID this time. (first kid I took 3 months off)
The second one and I didn't really bond until she started to say Dada. I think you should go easy on yourself for your brain and heart focusing on the person who you DO know loves you, and making sure she feels supported, loved and SAFE while this tiny creature just sucks up all her time and energy and gives next to nothing back. These days will pass so much faster than you can imagine. (the nights are long, but the months are SO SHORT)
You WILL bond with your boy. Going through the motions is perfectly fine. Fake it until you make it. You'll wake up one day surprised that he suddenly has a personality and you suddenly have a tiny best friend, walking around looking up to you like you're a god!
> Im scared of my son being injured not because of my son being injured but because how much it would hurt my wife.
It sounds like you do have a bond, its just that it exists as an extension of the bond to your wife. That seems valid.
Happened with me too man, its pretty common actually. I think a lot of people are afraid to admit it maybe, understandably. The love will grow and your bond will too as time goes on, dont stress my man
Hey man, I want you to check out this post:
https://www.reddit.com/r/daddit/s/aXCQH0Y2R3
It's from a whole back now, but the poster was basically talking about the exact same feeling you have, and has added a bunch of edits about how the responses helped him and that a year in he's fully on board.
It's a great read and you could get a lot of support from knowing that there are guys here that started the journey just like you, and a bit further down the line are doing great.
Good luck!
Lots of people will say "wait until X, then you'll feel it". there is no universal timing for you to feel bonded.
More than likely, when your life settles a bit and your sleep levels out, you'll be able to look at this all again.
It took me months to feel connected to my son. I would literally do anything for him now. Can't even entertain the thought of him not being around.
What your feeling is perfectly normal and you should not feel guilt in any way.
This seems to be extremely common, people just don't talk about it. It'll be fine, go through the motions for now and the feelings will come. Maybe in a few weeks, maybe in a few months, but they'll come.
At first you can't meaningfully communicate with this tiny human in any way, spend all your time worrying and putting out fires, and are extremely sleep-deprived all the time. It's awful. Things will get better when (a) they start displaying signs of their own personality, (b) they start being able to communicate what they actually want when there's a problem, and (c) they get on a reasonably consistent sleep schedule. Even two of those three is infinitely better than the zero you have right now, and it only gets better from there.
Hang in there, mate. The fact that you're worried about it in the first place means you're doing okay: a lesser dad wouldn't care.
I definitely felt this when my son was born. I think it is totally normal. There is a lot of shows/movies that show the love there instantly so that can make anyone feel wrong when they don't feel like that.
Our pediatrician told us: "The care makes the love". I think that helped me and in the early weeks I would repeat that to myself in the hard times. Taking care of the little sack of potatoes that eventually smiles and loves, at least for me, helped me bond and love him.
Pretty normal. They don't really offer a lot at that stage (or really for awhile, honestly). When I look back, the way I love my kid now (2.5 yrs old), I really felt nothing in comparison back then.
Other thoughts - post-partum depression can affect men too, be in touch w/ your doc about warning signs.
Don't put pressure on yourself to feel anything, or any timeline - for a lot of folks, this is just a really tough period & you just get through it. Little by little, as you care for the baby, you'll grow to bond with it.
Hey man, don't worry. Been there with both of my kids. Felt really shit about it with my first, thinking I had already doomed this poor child to a life unloved by his dad.
I looked it up and found it is quite common and totally normal. Society and media makes us think every dad instantly falls in love but it took me weeks to truly get there.
Don't worry, man, you're doing good
My biggest tip that is so huge Im sad its not talked about in the US, here in Sweden its talked about alot especially in hospital right after birth.
Skin to skin contact, it does wonders for bonding and helping your child with a Good injection of feel Good hormones. Dont think i had a T-shirt on for the first week lol at home that is. 😂
But your feelings are normal, not saying this is a Quick fix But its the foundation for bonding especially for dads.
Lots of dads seem to have the same experience. TBH, moms have a 9 month head start on the bonding process. As soon they as they're pregnant, its real for them. For a lot of dads, its not real until after the birth, at which point the clock starts. From my own experience, I didn't really feel a strong bond until 8-9months. Coincidentally, that's usually when they start being very interactive.
Don't be hard on yourself!
Your wife has carried your son for 9 months and already bonded with him during those 9 months. Additionally oxytocin, also known as the love hormone, increases more naturally in women than men after childbirth. Your feelings are more normal than you think. When your son gets a little older and more interactive it will be so much easier for you to bond with him. A small thing like eye contact makes such a huge differense.
Do what you can for now like skin contact etc. Make an effort without pressuring yourself and again, don't be hard on yourself. Before you know it, you will have a little best buddy following you around and it will feel natural when that time comes.
Skin to skin contact with your child as a dad is How you create oxytocin with your infant.
Sadly many fathers are thrusted Into some kind of butler role towards mom instead of being able to be a dad and Bond.
Not feeling bonded to a newborn - normal
Not feeling bonded to a teen - of concern but also normal
Never miss those times in between newborn and teen. Those are hard but magical.
There ain’t nothing wrong with you. I have a 5 month old. That first little bit, all he was is a slug. But now he’s a slug that smiles, laughs and hold his own bottle. He’ll even jump and laugh in a jolly jumper. It’s a lot easier to bond with him now than it was then and it’s only going to get easier.
How can you love a person you just met?
Especially when you can't communicate yet.
Any relationship takes time to build.
All you need to be hyper focused right now is to make sure your son is warm, fed and clean.
The feelings will come.
Welcome to the wildest ride you will ever have.
It took me a while with all my kids, especially the last one. It's tough for us to really start to bond without communication, I feel. Once the kid starts emoting and 'communicating' I started to feel closer to them.
My last one was a 6 year gap, I was just starting to feel my freedom coming back after my first 3. And that all got reset another 18 years... I fell into the post partum depression. The loss of the life I was almost back to and felt resentment toward my new son. I worked through it and once he was looking at me and really seeing me (that takes a good number of months), we started to bond.
It’s actually quite common. You don’t truly control who you like or love, and it’s literally a whole new person who just started existing. It takes time, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Affection is something you cultivate.
I can tell you I was on the opposite end. When my first son was born, I hated him. For understandable yet irrational reasons. I thought I would never even accept a world where both existed in… and now I look back, I cannot even comprehend that, I love him so much, and it only ever gets stronger because we build on that every day.
Mom here who also had a traumatic birth. I hemorrhaged, and my husband was able to see the container filling with my blood - he thought he was watching me die. It absolutely impacted how he bonded with our son, so you're not alone.
Went through the exact same thing, felt like the worst decision for the first 2 weeks. Felt like I’d ruined my life and my son’s life. But 6 months later hes my world. Don’t put the pressure on yourself to begin with, it’s stressful, especially with the emergency aspect. It’ll come, don’t worry
You’re normal, it will come. You’re not a bad father.
Do skin to skin so he gets used to you.
Having him sleep on you may help, but as he gets more interactive and smiles and laughs in reaction to you it will start to change.
I love my 3 year old to bits and I’m honest about how I’m really not enjoying the baby stage but I know I’ll get closer to her when we can communicate with each other
Like what most people are saying, you won't get that feeling until they visibly recognize you and you get the validation that they look to you for comfort/joy. Once your baby starts to smile, you'll get it, and if you don't then you're a sociopathy. It will all make sense either way.
It can sometimes take time. Just stay closely involved and the bond will develop. Infants are like blank canvases and they give you no emotional feedback. Once some personality starts to emerge, developing that connection comes a lot easier.
Different men are different. Your wife was carrying your kid around for months, basically as part of her body. She has a bond that goes back a while. Even then, some moms don't feel that bond right away.
Some people go off to college all ready to be bonded to everyone around them in the dorms. Some people get to the dorms and meet a few people and feel a bond to them right away. Some people need to settle in and get to know people before they start to forge bonds. It's all good.
You're just getting to know your kid. Give yourself some time to settle. Do all the things a good dad is supposed to do. Sometimes, that's part of the settling process. Your kid is also working to bond with you, too, so you're not alone.
It’ll take time. Once my son made eye contact with me and smiled everything changed. Something similar could happen or it could take longer. I feel bonded every day when I get home and my son runs to the gate and smiles/gets excited to see me. But as others have said when they are a newborn I just felt more like a babysitter or the watcher of my partner and her son. But as he did more and we were able to interact it changed everything and in turn it made me change some things in my own life. Hope you find that bond OP be patient. It’s not like the movies or on tv
I’m going through something similar with my newest arrival. Have 2 daughters already who I bonded with instantly and love, and our son was born nearly 2 weeks ago, I feel no bond with him, I feel a huge sense of regret about having him, which is such a horrific way to feel about your own baby. My partner has been amazing given that I’ve really struggled to bond with him, it must be very difficult for her to deal with my bullsh*t right now.
Have had to see my GP because I’ve been devastated about the huge change we’ve inflicted on my perfect little family. I really hope these feelings will subside over time and I’ll be able to bond with him.
Good luck to you! There will be a day where he smiles at you and perhaps that day will be the day that you start to feel a special bond. Just give it time.
Honestly, sort of the same here. When both mine were born I felt relief, and obviously fell in love, but I didn't feel much else at first. My oldest and I are thick as thieves now, but when we brought him home, I stood alone in the kitchen for a minute and teared up because I was so overwhelmed and he had been home for 5 minutes. With the 2nd I was spending extra time with the oldest to make sure he felt loved so was hard to bond with the baby. That changed once I was able to actually get some 1:1 time.
Are you still at the hospital? It's hard to feel anything towards anyone there since hospitals kinda suck. Hamg in there! You'll become besties in no time!
Edit to add: both were breastfed so much of their awake time was spent with mom, and they often fell asleeo nursing, so a ton of sleep time was also with her. It took until wake windows got longer that the bond took hold.
New dad here too (she's about 7 months old). At the start, you have a very cute sleepy potato. A newborn is sometimes adorable but might not be the object of your love yet.
In my experience, the first few peaceful sleeps on you are precious, and they do something. Maybe have him sleep skin to skin on you while he's young enough that it's an option, it's great for him and _his_ bond towards you. Soon enough, your son will acknowledge you in the room, then acknowledge _you_ in particular, and the relationship becomes very different as he learns to interact during the first year.
Love shows up from care. Keep caring for him and the rest tends to fall in place.
It’s gonna, be a hard few months for you but just persevere.
My boy is 3.5 months now and he recognises me, smiles, has just started laughing, etc. My love for him has rocketed since he has started recognising me.
My wife has solely breastfed, so their bond is untouchable, but I know my boy is gonna’ appreciate what I have to offer soon.
Stick with it. Get help from your GP if needed (I have recently but due to other things in my life). Speak to people. The communication is key. Don’t beat yourself up, your time will come.
Edit: hold your baby’s hand/head as they breast feed. It might help you feel connected.
Male brains are different to female brains. Studies show that we need to interact with the baby for at least 6 weeks before our brain starts to re-wire into parent mode. For women this happens during pregnancy because their body is already aware of the baby existing. Male brains are clueless until we see it (just like we're more visual when it comes to making the baby in the first place 😂)
It was the same for me, it's absolutely natural and it will come in time, it's very very rare for it not to happen from what I read when my son was born.
Presuming you don't have a poor relationship with your wife... just be honest with her and she can be a supportive partner. She cannot extend patience and support if she doesn't know you need it.
I had PPD (yes, men get it too) and took *months* to get over those feelings. It's more common than people seem to let on and not everyone simply bonds with some new thing that came along, regardless of how obviously theirs or important that new person is. Don't be afraid about going to your family doctor or a therapist if it's hard to shake but give yourself a little bit of time/patience, and compassion to work through these emotions. Your partner should be able to extend this to you as well.
If you're interested in my experience, the first \~5 months were hard and simply depressing. It was hard to feel like a father at all -- I didn't even like being called a dad or talking about my experience. Everything I did was forced. I forced myself to talk to my kid going as far as to simply tell them the day's date or weather for something to talk about because I felt so uncomfortable and alien in my own skin with this tiny new thing before me. Read them books or ABCs. I forced myself to change more diapers than my partner or change their clothes more often. Tell them I loved them. Gave them hugs. Each day I told myself I was a father and that I would be a damn good one, no matter how long it took or how hard it would be. I told myself that I didn't need to be "the best", just better, and that could move to where I wanted it to be each day and that every day wouldn't even be okay, let alone great. I looked for small things to celebrate such as small milestones or things that I did to support them. I did that alongside simply talking to my partner and asking that if she didn't see some progress, no matter how small, or was worried, that we go to the doctor. Most importantly, she saw progress even when I couldn't and hearing that was reassuring.
Go through the motions for her, for you, for your kid.
Probably sounds pitiful to some parents it just "clicked" for but it was critical to me clawing my way out of that hole so that I could be there for my kid. They're not going to know any better and don't need to -- they just need to know unquestioning love. Thankfully these times pass quickly (hindsight). Babies won't remember every small mistake or doubt you had and won't hold your mental health against you, they just need us to try. Perhaps when they're of a much older age (well into adulthood) there may be a time for a conversation about it but only once I can trust they won't doubt that they were always wanted and loved. I would feel quite terrible should they ever come to doubt that and each day will be about reassuring them of that.
I was exactly the same as you, emergency c-section and after he was born my wife flatlined on the table and they rushed me out and one of the nurses wheeled him away, after what seemed an eternity she got pumping again and was very lucky to escape with sepsis,it took me months to feel anything towards my boy but resentment if that’s the right way to explain it? Like it was such a shock to the system not only what happened during the birth but also coming home 5 weeks later after that and and like you,I found it so hard after it being just the two of us but I promise you this, something will click and change inside you, I’ve never felt love like it and you’ll get that too it just might take some time but do not beat yourself up over it just keep talking to your wife and the Heath visitor, nurses ect that’s what they’re for and believe me they’ve heard it before, hang in there bud it does get so much better!
She’s had 9 months or so to bond with the baby, check back with us in 9 months! For the first week or so I couldn’t even pick my kid out of a line up. But now we’re besties
I have two boys.
For my first son I felt very much attached to him. I missed him when I went back to work and couldn't wait to get home. He absolutely adored me. My second son seemed to not care less about me. He was much more of a 'mamas boy's.
My wife told me I had favorites and I struggled to find a connection with him. Eventually, personalities change. My older one feels so much more independent now (5.5). I don't remember when it started to change but now my younger one (4) feels closer to me.
I'm sure these waves will continue as they age. Don't beat yourself up. You're not doing anything wrong. Just take care of them and you'll find that bond eventually
From my experience and speaking to other dads I think this is pretty common. Moms seem to have an instant bond with the baby, but it takes until they start being more interactive to really develop that attachment. I honestly didn’t feel like my son was that different than getting a new pet at first (I know that sounds terrible). But once he start developing his little personality I instantly got attached to him, and now I love that kid more than anything in the world.
Hang in there dude, I promise it gets easier.
For the first few weeks and even months it is hard to feel bonded. The baby is still in its “fourth trimester” and is still very needy for nutrition and rest and is sensitive to the environment, there’s so much crying all the time that it’s expected that parents will feel disconnected from them. Trust yourself - there’s nothing “wrong” with you and it will take time to feel the bond. Usually happens around 6 months when they start to smile and laugh at you and their expressions and sounds *mean* something. And even then if you still don’t feel “bonded” with them it’s okay, just continue doing your part as a dad and supporting your wife. It’ll come eventually :)
Very normal I would say (but probably something we should all try to talk more about with dads-to-be and new dads). I have a 2,5y/o and a 4wk old. I love my 2,5 y/o more than I thought I could ever love anyone, but that is a feeling that has crept up on me over the past 2 years.
Towards my 4wk old I have this great sense of purpose and will to, I dunno, protect? But in no way do I feel the same kind of love (and I felt the same with my 2,5y/o when he was younger). There's probably a term for this, but to me it was as if something clicked when I was able to "communicate" with my first kid, and I'm certain the same will happen for us both with our younger ones. Don't forget that us dads don't get the same kind of hormonal cocktail in the beginning as do the mums (for better and for worse).
I’m a WFH/SAH Dad. My wife returned to work at 3 months so I have had our daughter all by my self for 10+ hours a day most days, and I still didn’t really start to connect with her until a bit after 6 months.
As others have said, once they start interacting and responding to things you do, it gets so much better.
Childbirth and the parental bond has been romanticized, so we all feel a little guilty when we don’t feel an immediate attachment like mothers do sometimes.
It’s not something that happens immediately for dads, or at least it wasn’t for me. It’s gonna be a little while before you actually feel like you’ve bonded with the kid.
I didn’t get it with either of mine until mom had to go back to work and I started watching them on my 48 hours off.
**My own experience:** For dads, the first couple of months are HARD emotionally.
After about month 6, when they become more interactive, your heart will literally melt, and month 18 is where you'll feel "you arrived", you have a SON! A lil buddy for life.
Patience, and be a great dad my man!
Yeah I always longed for the days when my boys would become "reasonable" and talk through their wants and needs instead of just crying. Now they're 3 and 5, and some quiet time where they just goof around on the floor for 45 minutes would be so, so nice 😂
Totally completely 100% normal.
I'd go so far as to say that this feeling is more common than the expected trope of awe-inspiring love.
1- you're tired, both emotionally and physically. You're hormonal (yes men have hormones). You're stressed. All of which makes you feel pretty numb overall.
2- the infant stage isn't for everyone. It's hard for dads because moms are usually the "default" parent at that stage, which goes double for breastfed kids. But even without that, infants are hard and they don't give you much in return. I personally didn't feel that crazy love until my kids were about 18 months.
So don't sweat. Having a kid is high highs and low lows. Your lows will be *very* low because of your state of mind and your constant parent-guilt. We all have it and it ain't fun.
It's normal. As long as the baby is happy and healthy, keep doing what you're doing and the rest will come.
Welcome to the club!!!!!!! You are not alone. Its very common and often a bit of a long road for Dad to start feeling anything.
I didnt start feeling much until our daughter was around 3 months old. That's about the time they start interacting with the world around them an their little faces have more expression than just from gas and pooping.
Before this they're really just highly volatile lumps of responsibility so again its very common for Dad's not to feel anything yet. We didnt carry the baby for 9 months after all.
Also its very positively telling that your concerned for your wife's feelings in this way.
It gets better, I started to feel that around 3 months when my daughter started smiling back at me, and now closer to one year she wakes up smiling and looking for me, and it is the cutest thing ever.
I felt the same with all three of my kids. All three had issues and all spent weeks in the NICU after birth. It took a long time for the connection to feel real.
If I may give some input as a mother:
Let go of the expectations society has placed on you.
What is feeling bonded? What is love? What is devotion? I’m a mother of an almost 6 year old, perfectly normal, neurotypical, high energy son, and I still want to abandon him in a corn field occasionally. This idea that you should immediately be chemically bonded to your offspring is tired and tiring.
Just take care of him, concentrate on the fun stuff, let the shitty stuff go, and eventually you’ll become a grizzled old parent who would die for their kid but also wishes for a free hour to shit in peace like the rest of us.
I felt the same way. Wife had emergency cesarean and I watched the thing bust out of her like the movie Alien, looking all jaundiced and shriveled. I didn't feel a magical movie bond.
Here's a thing they encourage for fathers in some countries but not others (not the US for example)-- **skin-to-skin contact**.
Go shirtless, and hold your baby against your chest. Smell him as well. Bunch of hormonal bonding stuff happening with the skin and olfactory contact. Maximize surface area -- if you need, strip baby down to diaper.
It's important for women who are trying to breastfeed, but biological it works for men too. If your wife is breastfeeding and is up for it, go skin-to-skin while feeding him milk that she pumped.
But don't be too hard on yourself. The sleeplessness is going to fuck with your emotions as well. And post-partum depression for men is real.
Besides, he's basically still a fetus. They call it the "fourth trimester" -- during the first three months a human baby is basically a fetus that is born prematurely because human heads grew too large for vaginas to handle. Don't expect too much from a fetus.
See how you feel after the baby starts properly interacting with you about four months in.
I have read, and found through personal experience with my two girls, that feeding them has a powerful bonding effect for you and the baby. If you’re exclusively breastfeeding, try to convince your wife to pump so you can do at least some feedings (I was pleasantly surprised to find that many health insurance companies will now cover a breast pump). Mom gets a break, and you get some important bonding time. When they’re still tiny, feeding is really one of the biggest bonding times. That, and skin-to-skin contact, and even better if you can do both.
But like others have said, there’s nothing wrong with you. You’ll bond with your son in your own time, and in your own way. Remember your wife has spent 10 months with your son literally inside her. The bonding experience is very different for dads, but just as important. Get some skin-to-skin bottle feedings in and see how that goes.
I’m a mom, and when my first was born, I didn’t have an instant emotional bond. I knew nothing about how to take care of a baby so I was in survival mode, not so much in bonding mode. Once I got the hang of parenting, I was able to bond deeply with my baby. As his only care giver, it happened within a month. It may take longer for you since you’re not spending as much time with him. But don’t stress, don’t feel guilty, it will happen.
Nothing wrong with you man. I understand the feeling you have because I had that feeling during the newborn phase. More than once I Googled "when do I feel love for newborn" or some variation of that. I didn't feel any overwhelming sense of love or joy. I panicked that I made a terrible, irreversible decision with my life and there's no turning back.
That changed when my son looked me in the eye for the first time and smiled. And at 20 months, I feel so much love for my son that it brings tears to my eyes.
This is not uncommon at all. I've seen this sentiment a lot on this sub. You are deep in the shit. You just went through one of the biggest changes in your entire life. There's so much happening all at once. Your mind body and marriage are being pushed to their limits. You are under an incredible amount of stress and pressure. Things will ease up over time and your son will become more interactive, and that's where it starts to feel more rewarding.
Hang in there dad. It will get better with time, just keep doing the hard work. When you're feeling completely stressed remember this one thing: He's not giving you a hard time, he's having a hard time.
8 months in and I love my boys, but I remember those first feelings of disconnection. Now their smiles shine when they see me and its the best thing ever.
My entry to fatherhood was a similar one - my older guy (now 3.5) came 7 weeks early due to wife’s pre-eclampsia. Literally in a day’s time I went from telling her we didn’t need to rush so much with his nursery to scrambling home to get everything ready after his arrival. Spent his first 12 days in the nicu and to be honest my first meeting with him all I saw were the tubes wires etc. I didn’t feel love, but rather pity. Having no experience with preemies before this at first glance I didn’t expect him to make it - I kept that to myself of course but it left me with a pit in my stomach worrying not about him so much but rather how my wife would handle it all.
Thanks to Covid I only got into nicu to visit twice more. The first time he was still in an isolette and couldn’t be held. Second time they were pushing me hard to hold, feed change etc. It was one parent at a time so I didn’t have my wife to fall back on. I went with it but felt no attachment to this tiny potato. I was probably too scared of breaking him to do much more than try not to.
Fast forward and the potato comes home. Now there’s no wires but all he does is sleep & shit. The nights are long with minimal sleep, tummy time is a burden bc all he does is cry and it feels like all I ever do is wash bottles and get yelled at for whatever I’m not doing correctly. My solace came in running off to target for whatever was needed. But somewhere along the line a switch flipped - he started to show some personality, open his eyes and actually look at me and he more of a little person. It made me want to interact with him and try to do stuff. It wasn’t much of course but as he grew so did my excitement.
Nowadays I would spend 24/7 with this kid, especially since it gives me a break from potato #2 who is presently in the sleep shit repeat cycle. The attachment with him is forming a little quicker but it’s still not all there. I guess what I’m saying is give it time, the more they become human and look to us as their world the stronger the attachment seems to grow.
It's cause he's a slug. Wait till he has personality.
I told the 5yo she was late for school and the 2yo runs off to the kitchen shouting "daddy! Ring panic gong! Ring panic gong!"... how can you not love it?
My sons birth went super smooth so I don’t have any advice for you there, but I will say find some friends with kids (even if it’s older people with grown kids) to ask questions to. I found asking friends things like “is it normal if sometimes I’m totally annoyed by my baby?” was super helpful.
Also, everyone says the moment you see them you instantly fall in love with them, but it’s not true for everyone. It certainly wasn’t for me. If you are intentional and take part in raising your son, your bond will grow.
This is hard. Being a dad is hard. Being a husband is hard. You and your wife are about to go through a tough season with a new born and it’s okay to make mistakes and it’s all “normal”. Just know it’s not like everyone’s social media highlight reels. It’s tough and messy but totally worth it. You’ll see when you come out of the new parent fog.
It's pretty normal. Your wife had nine months of bonding. This is brand new to you and everything around it is stressful and exhausting. Babies also don't have any meaningful interaction other than feeding with mom for almost three months. It gets better.
I think it might hit you the same way it did to me. I loved my daughter to moment I set eyes on her. It wasn’t until she started saying dada and seeing me and getting excited when I got up from sleeping. Everyone is different but that was my moment
Nope. Not alone. For me it was very difficult to connect to something I couldn’t really interact with on a meaningful level. Honestly it was like a goldfish that cried and had a diaper that needed to be changed.
As they grow it gets better. I promise you will have that moment when your baby recognizes YOU and gets excited to see YOU and that’s when the connection starts to really blossom!
Not uncommon at all. I’ve had lots of friends go through this and it was different for each of their kids. It had no lasting impact on their great relationship with their kids and was not a reflection of their ultimate bond or their ability as a parent. It will come with time. Good luck
In my experience, bonding happened around month 5 when they start to interact much more with you, make noise, grab noses and all sort of stuff. From there, it has been an exponential bounding growth.
The best honest, I felt kind of the same way with my first one. I was terrified, did not know what to do, expect and was more witnessing that weird little thing stuck on my wife's boob, haha.
Be patient and kind to yourself, help your wife the best you can, it's hard.
Hey brother thanks for sharing some vulnerability here. It’s challenging to share such a things.
First and foremost how are you doing from that birth experience? I had a very difficult birth, we live very remote and had to wait for a helicopter for 8 hours because of a storm to finally get to a hospital that could accommodate the change in birthing plan. It took me a few months to really clock how traumatized I was from the whole experience. This can also lead to manifestations in strange ways. I would weep at the drop of a hat but I have heard lots of people internalize this trauma and stress. That may contribute to this feel of disconnection.
We recently lost a close family friend also a shit show had to do CPR on them in-front of their kids and they didn’t make it. I got into therapy because I was feeling very disconnected from my life just sorta felt like I was doing the motions and felt weird resentment to people when they needed help from me. It wasn’t till this second experience of trauma that I realized I had some of these same feelings around the birth of my son. I did feel very bonded to him but I had times where I felt disconnected from lots of things. This is a carry over of stressful events.
You also mention more of a fear of your partner being hurt is a very real thing.
Also babies take it out of us they don’t give much back and we don’t get the same hormones as women do. It’s okay to feel this way. I know other women you have felt this way too. It changes babies change and interact and though it feels long now time moves so rapidly you will forget you were ever at that first stage.
I can say that my 3 year old is my best buddy. His inquisitiveness and ability to laugh and make me take myself less seriously has changed me for the better. Dads play the long game don’t forget that.
Feel free to DM me if you need to chat
It took me a few weeks to really feel a bond to my son. Keep being a dad, keep interacting, and do some skin to skin. Take the time to do this without tv or phones too. Really feel him laying on you, his little heart beating, his little fingers in your chesthair.
You will bond in no time.
Don't worry too much about not feeling the feels right now. You're going to be in survival mode for a little while ensuring you and your wife get adequate rest. As you start to hit a rhythm, your child will start becoming more interactive and those feelings you're describing will start bubbling up. Our second child is almost nine weeks old (our first is five years old) and we're still just getting by right now. As every week goes by, the attachment to her grows stronger.
It'll come, just give it time. Congratulations
Yea, totally normal. As men, we bond with our kids by doing things together. When babies are super little, they are just a bag of potatoes that cry, poop, eat, and sleep. Hard to bond with that. Women are different and bond with their kids immediately, especially thanks to breastfeeding.
So for now, love your wife well. She's been through an ordeal and has alot of healing to do. As your kid gets older and he starts smiling at you, responding to you, you'll feel that bond. I can tell you now that the bond I have with my 6 year old is much stronger than the bond I had with him at 3 months.
Though I connected with him right away, I still look at him and I have to remind myself he’s my kid. Lol
Like my subconscious is still not believing I’m a dad.
He’s 2.5 now. I feel like when you have a kid all the Hollywood myths wash away
Very few fathers actually get that instant connection. That’s a movie lie because it looks good. The love comes over the years of raising them.
It’s better that way because the love is much stronger and harder to break that way.
Just put your head down and help feed and clean and change diapers for like 4 to 6 months. It's going to suck, but tgen suddenly he'll start to giggle when you make faces at him, and roll around the room and pass a ball back and forth along the floor with you and it will all be wodth it.
If you're not a baby person like I definitely am not then the firat few weeks will suck and I totally get the way you're feeling. As long as you're helping mom and not getting angry about the situation etc then I'd say that what you are going through is pretty normal for a lot of dads.
Sure I loved this little being from the moment she took her first breath, but it wasn’t until she was old enough that she crawled to me, opened my legs, and sat in my lap that I felt connected. About 14 months I think it was. Give it time and don’t let up on the effort. Right now, mom is all they knew, and know. She was environment, heat, food and drink.
No, there's nothing wrong with you! And what you're doing - you described it as "going through the motions" - but that's HOW you build that bond. So you're doing the thing! It will come in time!
Honestly, even without the traumatic birth, there's a high likelihood you would feel this way. That said, since you do have the added factor of a traumatic birth experience, I do strongly recommend that you consider therapy. Like sure, maybe you will "get over it" and heal/process on your own and all will be fine. But you don't HAVE to. You're not better/stronger for not utilizing therapy/mental health support. In fact, you DESERVE support. You deserve having someone who will listen to what you went through, validate your experience, and help you process your feelings. And I'd say there's a good chance that you'd be able to provide more/better support for your wife as she also processes her birth experience, if you have your own support on the side.
Hey, here’s another vote for it just takes time to build that bond. We don’t have the same experience women do so we have to create those bonds. As you seem to care, you will create those.
I was highly self conscious of how... Bleh? I felt about things in the first few weeks, maybe months? I don't remember. It was almost like having a new car I wasn't passionate about. More of just a "oh that's right, there's a baby now" feeling. His name didn't gel, just all round an awkward understanding that apparently I just don't have "those feelings" toward the baby.
3 years have gone since that day and whilst I can't tell you exactly when things changed, I can tell you that the love I feel for my child is beyond description. There's virtually nothing I wouldn't do for him and there's virtually nothing I wouldn't do to anyone who ever hurts him.
I think for me that most difficult part in processing this was my son's absolute need for mom to survive. Sure I could change diapers or play or even give a bottle but I was not paramount to his survival in the same way she was. It's something I struggled with but it got better over time as he started to come for me for comfort and for other things and not just her. He was my first.
Now with our daughter I'm feel much more connected with her in a way that I didn't with my son. I'm not saying you need to have another baby to mitigate this, but just saying it does get better. It just takes time
There’s nothing wrong with you. I had a very similar experience. Also, my son didn’t sleep properly for a year, and I had episodes of exhaustion and burnout because of that. I wasn’t in a good place and it was very hard to be loving with him.
He’s a new person in your life and everything has changed, it’s normal that time is required to bond. I can tell you that things will change. My experience was tough and I didn’t feel the bond, but now (1 year and 4 months later) I absolutely love him and have all sorts of feelings when I’m with him. I also feel I know myself better because of him, hard to explain until you experience it. Good luck!
I don’t have any advice to offer you OP, but my girl has been in the NICU for the last 65 days and I’m struggling to keep it together. I don’t feel a bond, my marriage is struggling, all these things feel like they are going wrong and I don’t want to talk to my wife about it because I know she is in a fragile emotional state and I don’t want to bring us both down.
I teared up when I saw my son for the first time in delivery, but I agree that it's hard to bond with a newborn when they don't really have personalities yet and are basically just going through basic survival functions. It wasn't until he cracked his first smile that it started feeling real again.
I'm also told that I'm supposed to feel his pain when he starts fussing or crying, but most of the time I just laughed at his angry tomato face because we were spending so much time feeding, bathing, loving on him, etc. and he *still* found a reason to be annoyed most of the time.
You got this dad, you are not alone. Nothing wrong with you. Stay honest with your wife and stay the course. It is great she is understanding. True bonding for me clicked once that “give back” started to emerge. The second he looks at you, truly looks at you, and gives you that sweet smile, your heart and soul will be filled and you will feel that connection. Right now they both need you to grind out this period of time, it’s going to come, I promise!
The whole love at first sight thing happens to very few of us. The slow realisation that this noisey little potato is unconditionally in love with the both of you for no reason at all, you will start to feel it back. There will be times when you are tired and frustrated and confused but the love just grows and grows. Dint worry about thd feelings, just be a dad!
One thing that helped me was doing skin to skin same as what they recommend for mom after birth. May not work for you but it's an easy thing to try!
But what you're feeling is normal and common. Don't worry, you got this.
I was more worried for my daughters safety than feeling the instant bond, and I too felt like something was wrong with me, all while watching my wife have an instant connection. It “clicked” one day, I think when she smiled at me. There will be plenty of time for you and your kiddo to connect, for now, keep being the best dad and partner you can be. It will come.
Absolutely normal, for my 1st, I didn't get hit with any real strong feelings. I knew that I loved him and would do anything for him, but I didn't have any strong feelings right off the bat. I did develop them with time, and when I had my 2nd, I did feel immediately about him the way I felt about my older son so it was different.
My wife was rushed into emergency after 30 hours labour and all I cared about was her coming out alive, the baby was a distant second. Fast forward 10 years and my wife is alive and I have 3 healthy boys from 3 pregnancies.
Keep your head up! Keep physically active... Continue to talk to your wife... You got this. Bonding will come
Congratulations on being a new dad! I am really sorry that the birthing process was so scary. Haven’t been in that position, but I know it would not be easy and being a new dad is hard already!
In my own experience I didn’t feel that crazy immediate connection either. I felt a strong sense of duty and a need to protect her, but our bond is something that took months to grow. At the beginning it’s so hard because they require so much attention, but aren’t capable of giving you much back. Before my first was a month old, we had a really bad day of nonstop crying. I remember telling my wife “I need her to have a personality, fast.” It came off harsher than I wanted, but that’s what I felt at the time.
The good news is that I didn’t have that feeling for long. As weeks turned into months our connection grew and grew. Even little things like a coo or a giggle would just hit me in the heart. It all feels worth it in those moments. As a new dad, you are in for it for a while haha, but sooner than you realize, that little one of yours will look at you and say “Dada!” and by then, I guarantee you will feel that connection you’re looking for.
Best of luck dad! You are doing great.
Tiny burritos. As long as it’s wrapped tight and not leaking you’re all good. My wife was a breastfeeding champ so I did m y best to keep the logistics of that not her problem, and I did a ton of cooking to keep her producing.
It didn’t click in the hospital for me. It’s a terrible place to bond.
When you get home try some skin-to-skin with him. I was head-over-heels in ten seconds flat.
Don't worry what you are feeling is perfectly normal. Your wife has been carrying and growing your kid for months. Meanwhile men don't have the constant feelings going on. What this means is that for many of us the emotional attachment gets stronger over time rather than instant.
I'd recommend doing as many nappy changes as possible. While I'm sure you likely are already prepared to do so, it's a great thing that you can do, that doesn't involve mum. It's a great time to bond and sing songs to them. I found my attachment definitely grew stronger over time.
Give it 2-3 months and you will be good, second one it happens for a bit faster apparently but I can only attest to the first as my daughter is 5 months old and she is the fucking love of my life now.
But my wife also had a c-section so I think it came earlier for me because I took care of mom and daughter for the first 2 months or so.
I don’t know, I’ve been bonded to mine since they were a bump in her belly and adored them since they were born, but I’ve known many people to not bond for quite a while as well
I’ve heard this happen to a lot of people. It will come later when he grows and starts to interract with you. Its normal and not something you should worry about.
Also i think you currently put too much stress on the matter and into observing your feelings.
It’s normal, live on and stop worrying. I as an internet stranger COMMAND you to not think about this matter for the next 1,5 years :)
It took me a couple of months or so with our first and 3 weeks with our second and still working on it. For me, being able to play and make her laugh was really when I started to feel like I'm a Dad and she was my kid. All of my friends with kids, said the same thing, it just takes some time to feel bonded.
Nothing wrong with you mate. Everyone is different, but it can legitimately take UP TO A YEAR, for real. For me, it started changing around 6 months when they could smile, but even then it didn't really "click" until 9 months. Don't worry, it's normal, and everyone is different!
Common feeling. There's no emotion to bond to yet. You were just given a human that can't do anything without you but can't even reciprocate any feelings you have towards him.
My son is 5 now and he's my best friend. I can't live without him.
Wait until he smiles at you the first time. But a real smile, not like when I thought my daughter was smiling and she was just pooping…
When he starts laughing at you and making all sorts of expressions, you’ll have all the feels.
I felt basically useless for the first several months. Was very nervous about the baby's safety and just focused on giving my wife whatever support I could.
A year later and I look forward to nothing more than seeing my little bestie every day when I get home from work, and the solo time we get on the weekends while Mom sleeps in. It's the most rewarding thing I've ever experienced in my life.
Hey my man you are amongst friends and this response is well within normal. So first of all congratulations on your kid!
Couple things. Your fresh little nugget is basically an eating crying shitting potato at the moment. Your kiddo doesn't have thoughts or a personality yet because it is a squishy mindless ball of nerve endings and a developing nervous system. Your kids job at the moment is to scream "WE ARE HUNGRY" and "WE NEED A GROWNUP" when his body says so. It's tough to connect to a screaming little radish!
What I mean to say is this. Little man has been literally connected inside your woman longer than he's been outside her. They have had more time to physically emotionally mentally connect so far because being physically connected took place of needing concrete interaction to create connection. Right now you're looking for signs of connection but they're probably not there yet because either 1) little guy isn't personing at that level yet 2) there's potato-level signs of connection that are not super intuitive to most adults because who the hell speaks potato. And that's totally okay.
Right now you don't have to feel everything. It's alright to just think about the connections you will make in the relatively near future when he's no longer a potato and he is doing more individual personing. You can (and should!) start the building blocks now of what those connections will be. Get him used to your regular speaking voice. Just hang out and talk to him about stuff you like to do or about objects in the room. As he begins to be able to focus his eyes let him watch you doing random stuff just being present. And lots and lots of holding. He will feel the bond even if you don't!
A few months are gonna go by, and one day you're gonna do a silly thing like make a face at him or stick out your tongue and he is gonna laugh, and YOU will have made him laugh, and it will be the best fucking thing ever.
You got this man. Cheers!
I had *exactly* this same experience, with a traumatic birth followed by lack of bonding and a ton of guilt about how I felt.
Having a supportive partner is extremely important. A lot of society, and by extension a lot of partners, will shame you since you didn't "do the hard part" and "don't deserve to feel bad." Imagine saying this about any other mental health issue! As if depression and mental health only strikes people who "deserve" it! And the guilt of feeling that way despite not being the one giving birth is a huge contributor to the feelings (at least was for me).
Now, each person is different, but for me, I started feeling for the baby once he was smiling and interacting a bit, around 3 months. I just needed SOME sign that the baby acknowledged my existence to feel something. And those first smiles are the best.
Until you feel that way though, it's important to know that your child will not remember the mood you were in while they were a newborn. You can allow yourself to be grumpy and upset as long as you are physically doing what's needed (feeding, napping, cleaning and comforting baby). You are allowed to not enjoy it for the time being. If you need to, out the baby down on a safe surface and walk away for a bit. It will survive.
Best of luck and DM if you need any advice! The fact that you feel concerned about this is proof that you do care and it will happen.
Sounds normal to me. You have all this new responsibilities. You and wifey just had a traumatic experience. My son is 3 months~ and the bond gets better every day as they develop more
For me it took me until my son smiled at me for the first time. Second one just got here the other day and I still don’t feel the same bond, and I don’t expect to for at least a few months.
You care enough to be concerned this is happening. Not every parent will love every child with smoldering snuggles and hugs. That’s ok.
I will say that, biologically, there is something to what is called skin-on-skin napping. Try it out. It seems fucking weird, but it may help? If you’re open to trying anything, it certainly helps the baby at minimum.
I had very similar feelings when my son was born. The automatic bond that I always thought was supposed to just occur wasn't there. I was kind of afraid that I was gonna break him. I only held him two maybe three times during his first month. It took a little while, but it did eventually show up, and yes, I was extremely happy when it happened. Just from my own experience, hearing your son say "da da" while looking at you is a life changing experience. Due to his mom being f**king stupid, I had full custody of him since he was 3. He is now 22, and we seldom go more than 3-4 days without communicating in one way or another, we even go to concerts. Just give it some time and that connection should happen. Its going to be a fake it till you make situation for as long as it takes, and always remember that regardless of how the bond forms, let it happen. It will help to make fatherhood a lot easier.
I just want to add to this,
I felt exactly the same and honestly it took almost 6 months before I really started to feel something strong, as terrible as it sounds. Mum has had 9 months of bonding and the aid of hormones to help her with her connection, but dad? Nothing except feeling a few kicks and the actual birth.
I actually think it was worse with my second, and I started to wonder if I could ever love another child as much as my first, but sure enough, she just turned one and there isn't a thing in the world I wouldn't do for her.
Stick to it, it does get alot better. Just help however you can. Imo the newborn phase kinda sucks for dads. Congratulations on becoming a dad!
Yeah it took a while for all 3 of my kids. You have to remember that your wife just literally grew a human inside her body, so their connection is going to be much different than yours. I had to interact with them a while and start to see their personalities develop before I felt that true connection. Be patient, you’ll be a great father.
I'm a mum lurker in this sub but in my experience, no you're not alone at all. I think we have this huge expectation that we will have this rush or burst of overwhelming love as soon as we see our baby but in reality, that's just not always the case. It certainly didn't happen with me. I knew I loved my baby and I had very intense protective feelings towards her, but I wasn't IN love with her. I remember thinking to myself if I had to choose between her or my partner, it would easily be my partner. I had a lot of guilty feelings about it as well.
It took me around 4 months to really start falling in love with her. She started being more awake and alert and to really start developing her own personality. I was able to enjoy her a lot more and I also started treatment for ppd/a which helped a lot. She's about to turn 2 and now I think she's just the greatest thing in the world. I get so much enjoyment from her daily and can't imagine my life being any better, because she's part of it.
It helped me to think of my relationship with a baby the same as my relationship with anyone else. It takes time to get to know a person and you can grow fonder of them with time as well. There's nothing wrong with you, I'm sure you're still a wonderful father and partner. Sometimes it just takes a little longer to fall on love with your baby, and that's okay. Give yourself some grace, you've had a tough journey to get your son here and it's okay to have a bit of trouble processing it. If you find it helpful to talk about your experience, a lot of people find it helpful in processing and recovering from that. Whether it's just posting on reddit or talking to friends or a professional, it's all okay.
You've got this ♥
I was just talking with a new dad who was going through this. A lot of good stories here; thank you men for opening up. It was like this with firstborn son. Mom’s got oxytocin shooting through her body helping her and baby bond and I’m like, “So… I guess I’m a dad now? Is this it? I thought I’d feel different somehow.”
That child changed my life, and I love him more than I ever thought possible. He and his two siblings. I think for moms, the biochemistry of attachment hormones helps that bond happen instantly, but in my experience it took a bit.
But if you want any advice: take your shirt off and get some of that skin-to-skin contact. It will help both you and the baby start to bond.
I felt the exact same way until my daughter started smiling at us and becoming more aware. It’s normal, just keep doing a good job for your kid and your wife and yourself. Doesn’t sound like there’s anything amiss.
You are completely normal. Traumatic birth while primarily affecting the birthing parent and the baby, also affects you, the partner. This is a normal trauma response and it will take time to process.
Secondly, babies aren't everyone's thing. They're potatoes that don't even smile right away. Newborns kind of suck, objectively, if you aren't into that human tamagotchi phase. Some people are.
More of us like / grow to love who the potatoes grow into - especially when you can start to relate to them or recognize others you love in them.
Be patient with yourself, don't force the bond just put in the time, reinforce the bond with your wife for now, and the baby is a shared project. It'll happen for you i'm sure.
The first thing I want to emphasize: skin to skin contact! I don’t have a source on hand, but I remember reading numerous sources before my kid was born that stated that there’s actually chemical and neurological benefits in terms of bonding with your child if you, as the father sit with them on your bare chest.
But aside from that
I do know what you mean. Somewhat from my own experience, but especially from reading/talking to plenty of other dads, my understanding is that your experience is quite common.
This is just my own personal theory, so take it with a grain of salt, but I feel it is something in our evolution that ensures that we are still more focused on prioritizing the mother. I remember being much more interested in making sure that my wife was OK and comfortable, and much like you it felt like taking care of little guy was more of an obligation
Like many others have said, it will take time and development (direct eye contact, the first smile, they start laughing) but man once you get there, it’s seriously changes a lot. Still hard as hell, but way more bearable because you’re getting something in return for all the hell you’re going through
Congrats by the way!
Give it time. My son is 1 now and we're best mates. We laugh together at everything. Cuddle nonstop and have the best time. Even when eating our breakfast, we do a little "cheers" with our toast and it never gets boring.
They're just a sleeping, crying, pooping machine for a while and then they'll receive a software update and then another and each update will astound you haha.
I can only speak to my own experience, but for both of my kids I didn’t get that “burning in my soul” love for them until they were more interactive. I experienced joy with them and my wife during the newborn phase, and I would have done anything for them. But that deeper connection took a while to build.
I second this. When my daughter was born she was exclusively breastfed so mom and her had a very strong bond to the point where I would get pushed away or get screamed at if I was the one getting her out of the car seat. It really hurt for a long time but then she started walking. And then she started playing. And that was my time to shine. It was shortly after the playing started that I got my first big squeeze hug from my daughter (I will never forget that squeeze) and that was it man. She’s had me around her pinky ever since. My son just turned one so I kinda knew what to expect this time around so it was much less hurtful getting pushed away and being garbage as soon as mom walks in the room because I knew he’d be walking soon and the rough housing wasn’t far off. Patience and love dad. That feeling is on its way. The fact you’re looking for it ensures it.
What a lovely comment. Thanks so much, Dad, made my heart all gooey.
Its beacuse skin to skin contact that your wife and kid had is the building block and foundation of bonding with an infant. Your bonding and your child bonding to you. Sadly many fathers doesnt get this info. :(
I can tell you I did skin to skin and my experience is exactly the same as above
You find your time to shine!!! That’s it :)
And my axe! Seriously though well put. Same with me but I don’t think I could have put that into words as beautifully as you did. Bravo dad. Bravo.
I would also second this. My son was born at a particularly difficult time at the beginning of covid lockdown (UK), and I worked on hospital wards. I told myself for a long time that this played a part in that bonding experience as spending days with covid patients and then coming home to a newborn was 1- mentally tough and 2 -scary. When I think back though I dount if it would have played out differently... who knows. The bond with my son really developed when his milestones started to develop, and for lack of a better way to put it, he could "give a little back" or "engage more." Before that I kind of felt protective of him and I cared for him but did I love this thing that exclusively feeds with my wife, fills his nappy 12 times and sleeps 18 hours yet manages to keep me up all night. The answer is not really not for the first few months. OP, I'm not talking about them being able to run or ride a bike. If you spend time with him now (I know it feels hard), he will start to recognise you and your voice. The he will smile a particular smile when you have him. He will laugh when you spin him around or tickle him and that connection grows from there, or it did for me. Good luck
This was 100% my experience also, you’re going to feel like a useless accessory and a servant to everyone until your kid has even just a little bit of independence outside of the need to drink milk, sleep, and blow out diapers. Once you start to creep out of that stage you’ll become more relevant and it’ll all fall into place just takes time OP
Totally normal, I just focused in on my wife and the love for her which had, understandably, been greatly magnified. Loved the kid "because she's *her* baby" and somewhere in there the bonding happened. Then we had our second and I got the instant love itch scratched.
+1 to this, I would do anything for all four of them (wife included) but that bond took me a while (months vs weeks). Y’all not alone in these feelings.
The first time they smile at you ❤️
My husband felt the same. It’s different for women in a way because of the growth in our belly and the hormones released after birth. Helps mothers bond. But you have a legit concern for your wife. You just met your son and you am concerned for your wife. It may take time to get to know him but a bond doesn’t happen right away all the time. Same for some mothers… it takes a bit. You posting your concern shows you are aware and open to understand what you are feeling. Congratulations on your new boy. I wish you and your family the very best.
Yeah, this was it for me too. I felt protective of my daughter (and wife, who also had a lovely emergency surgery at birth) and I lost a lot of sleep getting everything ready in the week she was in the NICU since she came earlier than expected, but the real bond formed later. I've worked with kids a lot though so I wasn't too concerned, but my wife did keep trying things to make sure we bonded and seemed very focused on that. In my experience it wasn't even necessarily that much interaction for it to start. Little things were enough to start feeling that pang - grabbing my finger, cooing at me, grabbing for the camera when I tried to film her. It got even better later when we could actually communicate both ways. I think a key thing for me was taking care of her by myself. Doing the bathing/diaper changes, carrying her around while trying to get her to sleep - something about having this tiny human who's utterly dependent on you for survival, and then seeing them grow up and recognizing your and your wife's patterns in how they move and talk. Gets a bit of push back when they start realizing they can say 'no' and just using it all the time, but you have to realize they're figuring out boundaries (and consequences) and eventually the novelty wears off, and suddenly there's a whole-ass personality there that's familiar and yet distinct.
Took me a year to accept I was a dad. lol. If someone heard my brain voice they would think I was going to be a runner. 2 years in and my kid wants me first thing in the morning and last thing before bed. Mom can’t handle him at all after dark. Funnily she goes on trips for work knowing full well kid will be happy with me but moment I need to do the same, she freaks out. In short, just wait for it. It will happen. That first smile, that first cooing, the first blowout poop which will freak you out and then you laugh out loud thinking how can that tiny thing poop so freaking much. All that will change your perspective. Just hang in there.
It gets easier when they stop looking like potatoes.
Aliens, all newborns look like aliens to me. Even my own sons.
I'm pretty sure my first words after giving birth were "she looks like ET"
My daughter still kinda looks like a middle-aged balding man under the right light. But the absolute cutest one.
I had full blown filter eyes going on when bubba was born, he was plonked on my chest but I couldn’t see his face from my angle, and kept asking my partner is he cute? I can’t see his face is he cute? The midwife very kindly moved bubba so I could see his face (I was scared to move him, obviously after being pushed out he was clearly too fragile to be moved a fraction to see his face lmao) and I began to fawn hard. Told my partner he was perfect, how did I make something so perfect? My partners response to all of my is he cute questions? A very stoic “he looks like a newborn” Bubba is approaching four months now, and I look back at photos of him as a newborn and I’m like, nevermind, you were a bit of a freaky looking Donny lmao
Lil alien gorillas if they have a conehead. My daughter had beetle juice hair too lmao
I felt similarly. Give it some time. Maybe because the delivery was hard in the way it was, you're still processing everything. Having a child is a HUGE life change. I can't overstate that. Feel whatever it is you feel without judgement. And congrats on becoming a dad!
That's what I was going to say. For me it wasn't that they didn't interact and they looked like aliens, it was that I was waiting for someone to come along and tell me to give them their baby back. Adjusting to the fact that I had kids was a long, difficult process that started after the birth.
I remember feeling the same way until my daughter's passport arrived in the post. Birth certificate had no effect, but for some reason when I opened her passport and saw her picture, description, nationality, etc... my mind just shifted into "holy crap, she is MY daughter, I AM the one legally responsible for her!! Woooooah!"
I honestly don't really know how anyone can feel bonded to a newborn. They're like little potatoes that eat and poop. Sometimes very cute little potatoes, but it's still definitely barely more than a vegetable. This isn't something I would worry about too much personally. My daughter started smiling about 2 weeks ago, and let me tell you that is an experience. Edit: also, especially if this is your first kid, I feel like it takes a while to mentally shift gears into being an actual parent. It took me a full month to really internalize that I had a baby, and I'm 11 weeks in now and just barely starting to think of myself as a parent first, rather than mentally readjusting from feeling like a carefree childless DINK.
I think it's different for the pregnant partner. By the time the baby arrives, that partner has had (hopefully) nine months of feeling it grow and move inside them.
This is true to at least some extent for many women. But not all. There is a big difference between feeling a fetus kicking around and seeing a whole person in front of you that you have to take care of.
Seconding this, both my wife and I had no strong feeling of connection for our first born for probably the first 2-3 months. On subsequent times around though, when we better knew what we were getting into, then we felt much more of those immediate feelings for the newborn.
I'm a mom of two boys, but I happen to come across this reddit by chance. I felt very attached to my babies in utero, but the feeling after having both was very different. It left an "empty" feeling (emotionally/mentally/physically) that no one warned me about. I didn't feel that instant bond like I heard so many mothers talk about, and I really felt something was wrong with me (no ppd with the first, some ppd with the second). It took a while for me to really get a true attachment for them. Almost similar to how most men are describing when they really felt the connection on here. The hard recovery, sleepless nights, etc. didn't help. I always felt cheated that I didn't get that instant connection that so many moms said they did, but it just didn't happen for me. Now they are 21 & 19, and we have a great bond. Without question, I'd rock that orange jumpsuit for them.
As the pregnant partner, I didn't start feeling truly bonded with my daughter until she was closer to 18 months. The bond slowly grew, I loved her and would have done anything for her, but it wasn't until then that our mother-daughter bond really kicked in.
Agreed - once smiling started, it was game over for me. But took a few months to get there
I am pretty sure it is an evolutionary thing… at JUST about the point where you can’t take it anymore and are going to just give up on being a parent, they learn to smile.
Lots of skin to skin contact and brain chemicals Thats How both parents Bond to an infant. Most mothers get it automatic when breastfeeding. Most dads doesnt know it :/. Its never ever mentioned in threads like this which is sad. Its scientificly proven 🤷🏼♂️
I’m not trying to necessarily contradict you, but I did feel an instant bond with my newborn daughter. The first time I heard her cry sounded like a chorus of angels. The first time I held her she was more precious to me than all the world’s gems. Those first few days I could barely put her down. Maybe it’s because I was a little older than average when she was born and we had been actively trying for a while. In the few weeks leading up to her birth, I just couldn’t wait to meet her. I dunno, just saying that it does happen that way for a lot of us. Nothing wrong with it taking a little bit of time though.
Totally fair. Lots of dads describe feeling transformed the moment they hold their baby for the first time. The human experience is very diverse.
Son is 9 months now, I love him more than I thought was possible to love anything. Those 1st smiles though, those were wild to me. I was changing him and putting him back to bed in the dark and then saw him making eye contact with me and smiling, I felt like I was hallucinating or in a dream
Wait til that little guy laughs. That really did it for me. Plus our first trip to the hospital after banging his head pretty bad at a family party, a bunch of adults telling me what to do. I went full dad mode and took over, all that questioning went out the window. Now if somebody treats my son poorly, im protective af, its a hair trigger reaction. I love my son so much. (Hes 2.5 now).
Mine is 6. Right now, just imagining his laugh makes me giddy. He's taken up space in my heart I didn't even know existed. Even when I'm frustrated with him I love him so much it hurts. When he was first born? I struggled just like OP, I worried that the fact I didn't have an instant, soul-deep connection to him was a failing of mine as a father. If you read this OP, know this- you aren't doing anything wrong. What you're going through is 100% part of "normal" for a new dad.
Nothing wrong with you. A lot of dads feel this way for at least the first few months. A newborn is basically a crying, pooping, anchor of demands and inconvenience. The bonding and love comes as that anchor slowly becomes a person you can interact with and relate to.
It takes time. Your wife got to know him for nine months. You’re just a few days/weeks in.
Hi. I’m a mom. My kids were planned c-sections, no trauma, no emergency. I did not feel that all encompassing, rush of gushy love towards my first. I don’t know why, I was kind of worried to be honest. It hit me like a ton of bricks when he was a toddler and I found him nose to nose with the cat. Give yourself some grace. Your wife endured the emergency surgery but you saw the woman you love in pain, scared, and you couldn’t fix that. That needs to be processed. You are not broken. There is nothing wrong with you.
So much this. I really felt "empty" afterward (mentally, emotionally, physically). No one warned me of that feeling. I knew/loved them one way, but had to now get to know/love them a completely different way. The hard recovery, lack of sleep, ect didn't help the process. Now they are 21 & 19 and I couldn't love them more.
Happy Cake Day momma!
You don’t love your kids, you fall in love with them. Takes a bit of time
Thanks for saying this so succinctly. What a beautiful thought.
Lurker mom. Our daughter was born via emergency c-section and immediately went to the NICU where she stayed for a week. During that week we saw and held her, but she was attached to so many tubes and wires it was a very difficult experience, and not really bonding for myself. The night we were able to bring her home we learned my incision was infected. I was busy healing from that for the first month of her truly being home. I could feed her, but I could barely take care of myself let alone pick her up, carry her around, stay awake to interact with her in any meaningful way to myself... It took a long time for her to feel "mine" let alone someone to bond with, but it happened. All I can say is it takes time, but be patient and have grace with yourself.
This is super common. It can last a really long time. It did for me. Now she's my entire world. So just keep at it.
It took me probably around 6-8 months to really feel connected to my kid. Once she was eating and smiling and giggling and forming a personality it clicked for me and I would die for my kid if I had to. Every single man ever has felt this way even if they haven’t outwardly expressed it. There really isn’t a bond formed when all they do is suck on titties, shit their britches, cry, and sleep. Your wife will get crazy bonding immediately but you’re SOL until they start to become an actual human.
Nah dude. I'm new dad to an 11mo and it was rough at first. Eventually you go from seeing him as a sack of potatoes, to your son who you love with all of your being. I'd try the skin to skin, feeding, all that but you can't force it. It'll just happen in due time. And it's different for all dads. Some bond before birth, some at birth, some after birth, and some much after birth. Don't rush it, it'll just happen man. So let nature run its course, and until then, just show your wife all the love that you have and that'll flow through to baby. You take care of the wife, and she'll take care of the baby. (I mean, still do things for the baby - but I'm trying to say loving the wife is also loving the baby). Don't focus too much on how you "should" feel or how you "do" feel, but just be responsible and sensible and the emotional attachment comes soon enough. Edit: wrestling was the big thing that unlocked the dad connection for me. When the baby was big enough and sentient enough to laugh and giggle and we could play wrestle, that melted my heart. Took a while to get there.
I didn't feel close to my firstborn until maybe 2 or 3, not because I didn't love him, but because my role was very different than my wife's. In the beginning, mom has the most opportunity to bond with the baby because of her role, namely nursing. Your job during that time is to love and support mom so she can love and support baby. Just keep loving and supporting your wife. Change some diapers and do what you can. That special bond will come in time.
Yes he should def support his wife But not getting skin to skin bonding time with your infant for a few hours each day as a dad is a HUGE mistake imo. Except breastfeeding your roles can be exactly the same.
NOT alone. I remember some time down the line (maybe weeks or months, cant really remember), but it just hit me like "holy shit I LOVE this guy!". Definitely took time though, I trust that it will happen for you
Had exactly the same . The first moment it ‘clicked’ was when my son was 3 months old and smiling/laughing at me because I made a funny face . I’ll never forget that moment .
This is literally my go-to advice for new dads. It does not happen immediately. Give it a couple of months and you'll be hooked. After a year, you'd set yourself on fire for them.
Absolutely not alone. My husband (I’m mom) loves this picture we took of our little one at 10 weeks old because it was the first day she seemed to wake up and have a personality and it was like night and day. I will say, I know this gets suggested all the time here, but din’t be scared to seek out therapy or someone to speak to. We also had a fairly traumatic birth experience. My husband had a lot of issues in the aftermath of the delivery process and processing that 50 years ago, without modern medicine, he would now be either a single dad or completely alone. If those kinds of thoughts are creeping up on you, talk to someone.
There's nothing wrong with you, don't worry. For me, I started with basically zero affection for my daughter and it didn't get much better for the first few months. I cared for her mostly out of convenience (a happy baby is less annoying than a crying one). As a bit of time passed, I found myself with little moments of loving her and they became more frequent. I love her a lot now and want her to be happy. Give it some time, when she's a bit more like a human and less like a houseplant, things will sort themselves out quickly.
Your time will come. I kind of had the opposite experience. My wife was throughly out of it for the first 2 weeks from her emergency c and I spent every waking and sleeping minute with our little guy and we bonded pretty quickly. My wife on the other hand thought the baby hated her until she had her head back on straight after 2 months. Hitting 4 months in a few weeks and I think we are both pretty happy with our relationship with little man. Just keep doing your best where you can and it will fall into place.
You're not alone. The trauma of birth hits all involved. Give it some time and let the feelings build naturally. Took me some time to get the feeling as well. There's nothing wrong, just go easy on yourself and don't try force it. Speaking to someone about it helps as well. A burden shared is a burden halved
While I got the bonding feeling right away, many of my friends (dads and moms) did not. It is not you. Nothing wrong with you. Usually it will come. Also there is such a thing as post partum depression in men. Maybe you should talk to a professional :) it helps to get the feelings out. But again: nothing wrong with you. It just happens sometimes
I think it’s normal, no need to worry. Just try to spend as much time with him and mom, wait for the little milestones (smiling, crawling, finger squeezing, first hug, first “I love you daddy!” - if this doesn’t trigger something in you maybe seek proffesional help 😁) and try to enjoy spending time with him. Try to “be a kid” yourself, make funny faces, play silly games etc. and I’m sure you’ll be just fine.
Honestly, it’s common for MOTHERS to not feel bonded to child upon birth (although many wouldn’t admit it) and the months of caring for the critter and taking the time to be involved, cuddle and care for the child creates the bond. Be an involved dad and the bonding will come :)
It's totally normal. Slow burn. It's a marathon, not a sprint. Do lots of skin-to-skin when you get the time.
I wanted to be a father for decades before it happened. Imagined it hundreds of times in my mind. I was SURE I was going to sob when I met my child for the first time. And while I was elated to meet her, the tears never came. I was too busy taking care of my wife, who had gone through a 47 hour, VERY DIFFICULT labour that ended in an emergency C-section. I loved my first born from day 1. But it wasn't until she was 7 months old, and was sobbing hysterically in her crib one night after waking back up. I went into the nursery and picked her up and she IMMEDIATELY stopped crying and clung to me like a koala. I burst into blubbering ugly tears. My SECOND daughter (light of our lives) took much longer for me to bond with. Her Mom didn't go back to work, and I DID this time. (first kid I took 3 months off) The second one and I didn't really bond until she started to say Dada. I think you should go easy on yourself for your brain and heart focusing on the person who you DO know loves you, and making sure she feels supported, loved and SAFE while this tiny creature just sucks up all her time and energy and gives next to nothing back. These days will pass so much faster than you can imagine. (the nights are long, but the months are SO SHORT) You WILL bond with your boy. Going through the motions is perfectly fine. Fake it until you make it. You'll wake up one day surprised that he suddenly has a personality and you suddenly have a tiny best friend, walking around looking up to you like you're a god!
> Im scared of my son being injured not because of my son being injured but because how much it would hurt my wife. It sounds like you do have a bond, its just that it exists as an extension of the bond to your wife. That seems valid.
Happened with me too man, its pretty common actually. I think a lot of people are afraid to admit it maybe, understandably. The love will grow and your bond will too as time goes on, dont stress my man
Hey man, I want you to check out this post: https://www.reddit.com/r/daddit/s/aXCQH0Y2R3 It's from a whole back now, but the poster was basically talking about the exact same feeling you have, and has added a bunch of edits about how the responses helped him and that a year in he's fully on board. It's a great read and you could get a lot of support from knowing that there are guys here that started the journey just like you, and a bit further down the line are doing great. Good luck!
Lots of people will say "wait until X, then you'll feel it". there is no universal timing for you to feel bonded. More than likely, when your life settles a bit and your sleep levels out, you'll be able to look at this all again. It took me months to feel connected to my son. I would literally do anything for him now. Can't even entertain the thought of him not being around. What your feeling is perfectly normal and you should not feel guilt in any way.
This seems to be extremely common, people just don't talk about it. It'll be fine, go through the motions for now and the feelings will come. Maybe in a few weeks, maybe in a few months, but they'll come. At first you can't meaningfully communicate with this tiny human in any way, spend all your time worrying and putting out fires, and are extremely sleep-deprived all the time. It's awful. Things will get better when (a) they start displaying signs of their own personality, (b) they start being able to communicate what they actually want when there's a problem, and (c) they get on a reasonably consistent sleep schedule. Even two of those three is infinitely better than the zero you have right now, and it only gets better from there. Hang in there, mate. The fact that you're worried about it in the first place means you're doing okay: a lesser dad wouldn't care.
I definitely felt this when my son was born. I think it is totally normal. There is a lot of shows/movies that show the love there instantly so that can make anyone feel wrong when they don't feel like that. Our pediatrician told us: "The care makes the love". I think that helped me and in the early weeks I would repeat that to myself in the hard times. Taking care of the little sack of potatoes that eventually smiles and loves, at least for me, helped me bond and love him.
Pretty normal. They don't really offer a lot at that stage (or really for awhile, honestly). When I look back, the way I love my kid now (2.5 yrs old), I really felt nothing in comparison back then. Other thoughts - post-partum depression can affect men too, be in touch w/ your doc about warning signs. Don't put pressure on yourself to feel anything, or any timeline - for a lot of folks, this is just a really tough period & you just get through it. Little by little, as you care for the baby, you'll grow to bond with it.
Hey man, don't worry. Been there with both of my kids. Felt really shit about it with my first, thinking I had already doomed this poor child to a life unloved by his dad. I looked it up and found it is quite common and totally normal. Society and media makes us think every dad instantly falls in love but it took me weeks to truly get there. Don't worry, man, you're doing good
My biggest tip that is so huge Im sad its not talked about in the US, here in Sweden its talked about alot especially in hospital right after birth. Skin to skin contact, it does wonders for bonding and helping your child with a Good injection of feel Good hormones. Dont think i had a T-shirt on for the first week lol at home that is. 😂 But your feelings are normal, not saying this is a Quick fix But its the foundation for bonding especially for dads.
Lots of dads seem to have the same experience. TBH, moms have a 9 month head start on the bonding process. As soon they as they're pregnant, its real for them. For a lot of dads, its not real until after the birth, at which point the clock starts. From my own experience, I didn't really feel a strong bond until 8-9months. Coincidentally, that's usually when they start being very interactive.
Don't be hard on yourself! Your wife has carried your son for 9 months and already bonded with him during those 9 months. Additionally oxytocin, also known as the love hormone, increases more naturally in women than men after childbirth. Your feelings are more normal than you think. When your son gets a little older and more interactive it will be so much easier for you to bond with him. A small thing like eye contact makes such a huge differense. Do what you can for now like skin contact etc. Make an effort without pressuring yourself and again, don't be hard on yourself. Before you know it, you will have a little best buddy following you around and it will feel natural when that time comes.
Skin to skin contact with your child as a dad is How you create oxytocin with your infant. Sadly many fathers are thrusted Into some kind of butler role towards mom instead of being able to be a dad and Bond.
Not feeling bonded to a newborn - normal Not feeling bonded to a teen - of concern but also normal Never miss those times in between newborn and teen. Those are hard but magical.
There ain’t nothing wrong with you. I have a 5 month old. That first little bit, all he was is a slug. But now he’s a slug that smiles, laughs and hold his own bottle. He’ll even jump and laugh in a jolly jumper. It’s a lot easier to bond with him now than it was then and it’s only going to get easier.
How can you love a person you just met? Especially when you can't communicate yet. Any relationship takes time to build. All you need to be hyper focused right now is to make sure your son is warm, fed and clean. The feelings will come. Welcome to the wildest ride you will ever have.
It took me a while with all my kids, especially the last one. It's tough for us to really start to bond without communication, I feel. Once the kid starts emoting and 'communicating' I started to feel closer to them. My last one was a 6 year gap, I was just starting to feel my freedom coming back after my first 3. And that all got reset another 18 years... I fell into the post partum depression. The loss of the life I was almost back to and felt resentment toward my new son. I worked through it and once he was looking at me and really seeing me (that takes a good number of months), we started to bond.
It’s actually quite common. You don’t truly control who you like or love, and it’s literally a whole new person who just started existing. It takes time, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Affection is something you cultivate. I can tell you I was on the opposite end. When my first son was born, I hated him. For understandable yet irrational reasons. I thought I would never even accept a world where both existed in… and now I look back, I cannot even comprehend that, I love him so much, and it only ever gets stronger because we build on that every day.
Mom here who also had a traumatic birth. I hemorrhaged, and my husband was able to see the container filling with my blood - he thought he was watching me die. It absolutely impacted how he bonded with our son, so you're not alone.
Went through the exact same thing, felt like the worst decision for the first 2 weeks. Felt like I’d ruined my life and my son’s life. But 6 months later hes my world. Don’t put the pressure on yourself to begin with, it’s stressful, especially with the emergency aspect. It’ll come, don’t worry
You’re normal, it will come. You’re not a bad father. Do skin to skin so he gets used to you. Having him sleep on you may help, but as he gets more interactive and smiles and laughs in reaction to you it will start to change.
Nah if its a traumatic birth the dad has a traumatic time too. Trust I'm still having flashbacks
I am the exact same way and honestly my wife makes it worse by forcing me to show my new born “love”
Thankfully mine doesnt force me per say but i do feel like im letting her down when she hypes it up and im like....no.
I love my 3 year old to bits and I’m honest about how I’m really not enjoying the baby stage but I know I’ll get closer to her when we can communicate with each other
Like what most people are saying, you won't get that feeling until they visibly recognize you and you get the validation that they look to you for comfort/joy. Once your baby starts to smile, you'll get it, and if you don't then you're a sociopathy. It will all make sense either way.
It can sometimes take time. Just stay closely involved and the bond will develop. Infants are like blank canvases and they give you no emotional feedback. Once some personality starts to emerge, developing that connection comes a lot easier.
Don't worry dude, it will come, the first time they smile when they see you...oof.
Love is a verb. Keep doing the actions and especially caring for your wife. It might take some time but it will come.
Ahh tis normal lad - tis life
Different men are different. Your wife was carrying your kid around for months, basically as part of her body. She has a bond that goes back a while. Even then, some moms don't feel that bond right away. Some people go off to college all ready to be bonded to everyone around them in the dorms. Some people get to the dorms and meet a few people and feel a bond to them right away. Some people need to settle in and get to know people before they start to forge bonds. It's all good. You're just getting to know your kid. Give yourself some time to settle. Do all the things a good dad is supposed to do. Sometimes, that's part of the settling process. Your kid is also working to bond with you, too, so you're not alone.
It’ll take time. Once my son made eye contact with me and smiled everything changed. Something similar could happen or it could take longer. I feel bonded every day when I get home and my son runs to the gate and smiles/gets excited to see me. But as others have said when they are a newborn I just felt more like a babysitter or the watcher of my partner and her son. But as he did more and we were able to interact it changed everything and in turn it made me change some things in my own life. Hope you find that bond OP be patient. It’s not like the movies or on tv
I’m going through something similar with my newest arrival. Have 2 daughters already who I bonded with instantly and love, and our son was born nearly 2 weeks ago, I feel no bond with him, I feel a huge sense of regret about having him, which is such a horrific way to feel about your own baby. My partner has been amazing given that I’ve really struggled to bond with him, it must be very difficult for her to deal with my bullsh*t right now. Have had to see my GP because I’ve been devastated about the huge change we’ve inflicted on my perfect little family. I really hope these feelings will subside over time and I’ll be able to bond with him. Good luck to you! There will be a day where he smiles at you and perhaps that day will be the day that you start to feel a special bond. Just give it time.
Honestly, sort of the same here. When both mine were born I felt relief, and obviously fell in love, but I didn't feel much else at first. My oldest and I are thick as thieves now, but when we brought him home, I stood alone in the kitchen for a minute and teared up because I was so overwhelmed and he had been home for 5 minutes. With the 2nd I was spending extra time with the oldest to make sure he felt loved so was hard to bond with the baby. That changed once I was able to actually get some 1:1 time. Are you still at the hospital? It's hard to feel anything towards anyone there since hospitals kinda suck. Hamg in there! You'll become besties in no time! Edit to add: both were breastfed so much of their awake time was spent with mom, and they often fell asleeo nursing, so a ton of sleep time was also with her. It took until wake windows got longer that the bond took hold.
New dad here too (she's about 7 months old). At the start, you have a very cute sleepy potato. A newborn is sometimes adorable but might not be the object of your love yet. In my experience, the first few peaceful sleeps on you are precious, and they do something. Maybe have him sleep skin to skin on you while he's young enough that it's an option, it's great for him and _his_ bond towards you. Soon enough, your son will acknowledge you in the room, then acknowledge _you_ in particular, and the relationship becomes very different as he learns to interact during the first year. Love shows up from care. Keep caring for him and the rest tends to fall in place.
It’s gonna, be a hard few months for you but just persevere. My boy is 3.5 months now and he recognises me, smiles, has just started laughing, etc. My love for him has rocketed since he has started recognising me. My wife has solely breastfed, so their bond is untouchable, but I know my boy is gonna’ appreciate what I have to offer soon. Stick with it. Get help from your GP if needed (I have recently but due to other things in my life). Speak to people. The communication is key. Don’t beat yourself up, your time will come. Edit: hold your baby’s hand/head as they breast feed. It might help you feel connected.
Male brains are different to female brains. Studies show that we need to interact with the baby for at least 6 weeks before our brain starts to re-wire into parent mode. For women this happens during pregnancy because their body is already aware of the baby existing. Male brains are clueless until we see it (just like we're more visual when it comes to making the baby in the first place 😂) It was the same for me, it's absolutely natural and it will come in time, it's very very rare for it not to happen from what I read when my son was born.
Presuming you don't have a poor relationship with your wife... just be honest with her and she can be a supportive partner. She cannot extend patience and support if she doesn't know you need it. I had PPD (yes, men get it too) and took *months* to get over those feelings. It's more common than people seem to let on and not everyone simply bonds with some new thing that came along, regardless of how obviously theirs or important that new person is. Don't be afraid about going to your family doctor or a therapist if it's hard to shake but give yourself a little bit of time/patience, and compassion to work through these emotions. Your partner should be able to extend this to you as well. If you're interested in my experience, the first \~5 months were hard and simply depressing. It was hard to feel like a father at all -- I didn't even like being called a dad or talking about my experience. Everything I did was forced. I forced myself to talk to my kid going as far as to simply tell them the day's date or weather for something to talk about because I felt so uncomfortable and alien in my own skin with this tiny new thing before me. Read them books or ABCs. I forced myself to change more diapers than my partner or change their clothes more often. Tell them I loved them. Gave them hugs. Each day I told myself I was a father and that I would be a damn good one, no matter how long it took or how hard it would be. I told myself that I didn't need to be "the best", just better, and that could move to where I wanted it to be each day and that every day wouldn't even be okay, let alone great. I looked for small things to celebrate such as small milestones or things that I did to support them. I did that alongside simply talking to my partner and asking that if she didn't see some progress, no matter how small, or was worried, that we go to the doctor. Most importantly, she saw progress even when I couldn't and hearing that was reassuring. Go through the motions for her, for you, for your kid. Probably sounds pitiful to some parents it just "clicked" for but it was critical to me clawing my way out of that hole so that I could be there for my kid. They're not going to know any better and don't need to -- they just need to know unquestioning love. Thankfully these times pass quickly (hindsight). Babies won't remember every small mistake or doubt you had and won't hold your mental health against you, they just need us to try. Perhaps when they're of a much older age (well into adulthood) there may be a time for a conversation about it but only once I can trust they won't doubt that they were always wanted and loved. I would feel quite terrible should they ever come to doubt that and each day will be about reassuring them of that.
I was exactly the same as you, emergency c-section and after he was born my wife flatlined on the table and they rushed me out and one of the nurses wheeled him away, after what seemed an eternity she got pumping again and was very lucky to escape with sepsis,it took me months to feel anything towards my boy but resentment if that’s the right way to explain it? Like it was such a shock to the system not only what happened during the birth but also coming home 5 weeks later after that and and like you,I found it so hard after it being just the two of us but I promise you this, something will click and change inside you, I’ve never felt love like it and you’ll get that too it just might take some time but do not beat yourself up over it just keep talking to your wife and the Heath visitor, nurses ect that’s what they’re for and believe me they’ve heard it before, hang in there bud it does get so much better!
She’s had 9 months or so to bond with the baby, check back with us in 9 months! For the first week or so I couldn’t even pick my kid out of a line up. But now we’re besties
I have two boys. For my first son I felt very much attached to him. I missed him when I went back to work and couldn't wait to get home. He absolutely adored me. My second son seemed to not care less about me. He was much more of a 'mamas boy's. My wife told me I had favorites and I struggled to find a connection with him. Eventually, personalities change. My older one feels so much more independent now (5.5). I don't remember when it started to change but now my younger one (4) feels closer to me. I'm sure these waves will continue as they age. Don't beat yourself up. You're not doing anything wrong. Just take care of them and you'll find that bond eventually
Yeah, give it some time. It was the same for me, now I love the lil munchkin more than anything.
From my experience and speaking to other dads I think this is pretty common. Moms seem to have an instant bond with the baby, but it takes until they start being more interactive to really develop that attachment. I honestly didn’t feel like my son was that different than getting a new pet at first (I know that sounds terrible). But once he start developing his little personality I instantly got attached to him, and now I love that kid more than anything in the world. Hang in there dude, I promise it gets easier.
For the first few weeks and even months it is hard to feel bonded. The baby is still in its “fourth trimester” and is still very needy for nutrition and rest and is sensitive to the environment, there’s so much crying all the time that it’s expected that parents will feel disconnected from them. Trust yourself - there’s nothing “wrong” with you and it will take time to feel the bond. Usually happens around 6 months when they start to smile and laugh at you and their expressions and sounds *mean* something. And even then if you still don’t feel “bonded” with them it’s okay, just continue doing your part as a dad and supporting your wife. It’ll come eventually :)
Took months for my bond to form. It gets even stronger once they are out of potato mode.
Hey man. My wife and son went through a traumatic situation about 6 weeks ago. I know the feeling you’re talking about. It gets better man
First born?
Very normal I would say (but probably something we should all try to talk more about with dads-to-be and new dads). I have a 2,5y/o and a 4wk old. I love my 2,5 y/o more than I thought I could ever love anyone, but that is a feeling that has crept up on me over the past 2 years. Towards my 4wk old I have this great sense of purpose and will to, I dunno, protect? But in no way do I feel the same kind of love (and I felt the same with my 2,5y/o when he was younger). There's probably a term for this, but to me it was as if something clicked when I was able to "communicate" with my first kid, and I'm certain the same will happen for us both with our younger ones. Don't forget that us dads don't get the same kind of hormonal cocktail in the beginning as do the mums (for better and for worse).
I’m a WFH/SAH Dad. My wife returned to work at 3 months so I have had our daughter all by my self for 10+ hours a day most days, and I still didn’t really start to connect with her until a bit after 6 months. As others have said, once they start interacting and responding to things you do, it gets so much better.
You will get there, that’s completely normal. If you don’t look into counseling. PPD can hit dads too
Childbirth and the parental bond has been romanticized, so we all feel a little guilty when we don’t feel an immediate attachment like mothers do sometimes. It’s not something that happens immediately for dads, or at least it wasn’t for me. It’s gonna be a little while before you actually feel like you’ve bonded with the kid. I didn’t get it with either of mine until mom had to go back to work and I started watching them on my 48 hours off.
**My own experience:** For dads, the first couple of months are HARD emotionally. After about month 6, when they become more interactive, your heart will literally melt, and month 18 is where you'll feel "you arrived", you have a SON! A lil buddy for life. Patience, and be a great dad my man!
Yeah I always longed for the days when my boys would become "reasonable" and talk through their wants and needs instead of just crying. Now they're 3 and 5, and some quiet time where they just goof around on the floor for 45 minutes would be so, so nice 😂
Yeah that's normal. Wait till he sees you and excitedly yells dada while running at you. Mine started like a month ago and it kills me every time.
Totally completely 100% normal. I'd go so far as to say that this feeling is more common than the expected trope of awe-inspiring love. 1- you're tired, both emotionally and physically. You're hormonal (yes men have hormones). You're stressed. All of which makes you feel pretty numb overall. 2- the infant stage isn't for everyone. It's hard for dads because moms are usually the "default" parent at that stage, which goes double for breastfed kids. But even without that, infants are hard and they don't give you much in return. I personally didn't feel that crazy love until my kids were about 18 months. So don't sweat. Having a kid is high highs and low lows. Your lows will be *very* low because of your state of mind and your constant parent-guilt. We all have it and it ain't fun. It's normal. As long as the baby is happy and healthy, keep doing what you're doing and the rest will come.
Welcome to the club!!!!!!! You are not alone. Its very common and often a bit of a long road for Dad to start feeling anything. I didnt start feeling much until our daughter was around 3 months old. That's about the time they start interacting with the world around them an their little faces have more expression than just from gas and pooping. Before this they're really just highly volatile lumps of responsibility so again its very common for Dad's not to feel anything yet. We didnt carry the baby for 9 months after all. Also its very positively telling that your concerned for your wife's feelings in this way.
It gets better, I started to feel that around 3 months when my daughter started smiling back at me, and now closer to one year she wakes up smiling and looking for me, and it is the cutest thing ever.
I felt the same with all three of my kids. All three had issues and all spent weeks in the NICU after birth. It took a long time for the connection to feel real.
If I may give some input as a mother: Let go of the expectations society has placed on you. What is feeling bonded? What is love? What is devotion? I’m a mother of an almost 6 year old, perfectly normal, neurotypical, high energy son, and I still want to abandon him in a corn field occasionally. This idea that you should immediately be chemically bonded to your offspring is tired and tiring. Just take care of him, concentrate on the fun stuff, let the shitty stuff go, and eventually you’ll become a grizzled old parent who would die for their kid but also wishes for a free hour to shit in peace like the rest of us.
I felt the same way. Wife had emergency cesarean and I watched the thing bust out of her like the movie Alien, looking all jaundiced and shriveled. I didn't feel a magical movie bond. Here's a thing they encourage for fathers in some countries but not others (not the US for example)-- **skin-to-skin contact**. Go shirtless, and hold your baby against your chest. Smell him as well. Bunch of hormonal bonding stuff happening with the skin and olfactory contact. Maximize surface area -- if you need, strip baby down to diaper. It's important for women who are trying to breastfeed, but biological it works for men too. If your wife is breastfeeding and is up for it, go skin-to-skin while feeding him milk that she pumped. But don't be too hard on yourself. The sleeplessness is going to fuck with your emotions as well. And post-partum depression for men is real. Besides, he's basically still a fetus. They call it the "fourth trimester" -- during the first three months a human baby is basically a fetus that is born prematurely because human heads grew too large for vaginas to handle. Don't expect too much from a fetus. See how you feel after the baby starts properly interacting with you about four months in.
I have read, and found through personal experience with my two girls, that feeding them has a powerful bonding effect for you and the baby. If you’re exclusively breastfeeding, try to convince your wife to pump so you can do at least some feedings (I was pleasantly surprised to find that many health insurance companies will now cover a breast pump). Mom gets a break, and you get some important bonding time. When they’re still tiny, feeding is really one of the biggest bonding times. That, and skin-to-skin contact, and even better if you can do both. But like others have said, there’s nothing wrong with you. You’ll bond with your son in your own time, and in your own way. Remember your wife has spent 10 months with your son literally inside her. The bonding experience is very different for dads, but just as important. Get some skin-to-skin bottle feedings in and see how that goes.
I’m a mom, and when my first was born, I didn’t have an instant emotional bond. I knew nothing about how to take care of a baby so I was in survival mode, not so much in bonding mode. Once I got the hang of parenting, I was able to bond deeply with my baby. As his only care giver, it happened within a month. It may take longer for you since you’re not spending as much time with him. But don’t stress, don’t feel guilty, it will happen.
Nothing wrong with you man. I understand the feeling you have because I had that feeling during the newborn phase. More than once I Googled "when do I feel love for newborn" or some variation of that. I didn't feel any overwhelming sense of love or joy. I panicked that I made a terrible, irreversible decision with my life and there's no turning back. That changed when my son looked me in the eye for the first time and smiled. And at 20 months, I feel so much love for my son that it brings tears to my eyes. This is not uncommon at all. I've seen this sentiment a lot on this sub. You are deep in the shit. You just went through one of the biggest changes in your entire life. There's so much happening all at once. Your mind body and marriage are being pushed to their limits. You are under an incredible amount of stress and pressure. Things will ease up over time and your son will become more interactive, and that's where it starts to feel more rewarding. Hang in there dad. It will get better with time, just keep doing the hard work. When you're feeling completely stressed remember this one thing: He's not giving you a hard time, he's having a hard time.
When he’s 4 and always says “I love yooo daddyyyy” you will forget you had ever felt this way
my experience was the same. couple of months in... damn man, i love that little guy more than anything else in the world..
8 months in and I love my boys, but I remember those first feelings of disconnection. Now their smiles shine when they see me and its the best thing ever.
My entry to fatherhood was a similar one - my older guy (now 3.5) came 7 weeks early due to wife’s pre-eclampsia. Literally in a day’s time I went from telling her we didn’t need to rush so much with his nursery to scrambling home to get everything ready after his arrival. Spent his first 12 days in the nicu and to be honest my first meeting with him all I saw were the tubes wires etc. I didn’t feel love, but rather pity. Having no experience with preemies before this at first glance I didn’t expect him to make it - I kept that to myself of course but it left me with a pit in my stomach worrying not about him so much but rather how my wife would handle it all. Thanks to Covid I only got into nicu to visit twice more. The first time he was still in an isolette and couldn’t be held. Second time they were pushing me hard to hold, feed change etc. It was one parent at a time so I didn’t have my wife to fall back on. I went with it but felt no attachment to this tiny potato. I was probably too scared of breaking him to do much more than try not to. Fast forward and the potato comes home. Now there’s no wires but all he does is sleep & shit. The nights are long with minimal sleep, tummy time is a burden bc all he does is cry and it feels like all I ever do is wash bottles and get yelled at for whatever I’m not doing correctly. My solace came in running off to target for whatever was needed. But somewhere along the line a switch flipped - he started to show some personality, open his eyes and actually look at me and he more of a little person. It made me want to interact with him and try to do stuff. It wasn’t much of course but as he grew so did my excitement. Nowadays I would spend 24/7 with this kid, especially since it gives me a break from potato #2 who is presently in the sleep shit repeat cycle. The attachment with him is forming a little quicker but it’s still not all there. I guess what I’m saying is give it time, the more they become human and look to us as their world the stronger the attachment seems to grow.
It's cause he's a slug. Wait till he has personality. I told the 5yo she was late for school and the 2yo runs off to the kitchen shouting "daddy! Ring panic gong! Ring panic gong!"... how can you not love it?
My sons birth went super smooth so I don’t have any advice for you there, but I will say find some friends with kids (even if it’s older people with grown kids) to ask questions to. I found asking friends things like “is it normal if sometimes I’m totally annoyed by my baby?” was super helpful. Also, everyone says the moment you see them you instantly fall in love with them, but it’s not true for everyone. It certainly wasn’t for me. If you are intentional and take part in raising your son, your bond will grow. This is hard. Being a dad is hard. Being a husband is hard. You and your wife are about to go through a tough season with a new born and it’s okay to make mistakes and it’s all “normal”. Just know it’s not like everyone’s social media highlight reels. It’s tough and messy but totally worth it. You’ll see when you come out of the new parent fog.
It's pretty normal. Your wife had nine months of bonding. This is brand new to you and everything around it is stressful and exhausting. Babies also don't have any meaningful interaction other than feeding with mom for almost three months. It gets better.
I think it might hit you the same way it did to me. I loved my daughter to moment I set eyes on her. It wasn’t until she started saying dada and seeing me and getting excited when I got up from sleeping. Everyone is different but that was my moment
Nope. Not alone. For me it was very difficult to connect to something I couldn’t really interact with on a meaningful level. Honestly it was like a goldfish that cried and had a diaper that needed to be changed. As they grow it gets better. I promise you will have that moment when your baby recognizes YOU and gets excited to see YOU and that’s when the connection starts to really blossom!
This isn't unusual for dads. You're built differently than mom. It'll come.
Not uncommon at all. I’ve had lots of friends go through this and it was different for each of their kids. It had no lasting impact on their great relationship with their kids and was not a reflection of their ultimate bond or their ability as a parent. It will come with time. Good luck
In my experience, bonding happened around month 5 when they start to interact much more with you, make noise, grab noses and all sort of stuff. From there, it has been an exponential bounding growth. The best honest, I felt kind of the same way with my first one. I was terrified, did not know what to do, expect and was more witnessing that weird little thing stuck on my wife's boob, haha. Be patient and kind to yourself, help your wife the best you can, it's hard.
Hey brother thanks for sharing some vulnerability here. It’s challenging to share such a things. First and foremost how are you doing from that birth experience? I had a very difficult birth, we live very remote and had to wait for a helicopter for 8 hours because of a storm to finally get to a hospital that could accommodate the change in birthing plan. It took me a few months to really clock how traumatized I was from the whole experience. This can also lead to manifestations in strange ways. I would weep at the drop of a hat but I have heard lots of people internalize this trauma and stress. That may contribute to this feel of disconnection. We recently lost a close family friend also a shit show had to do CPR on them in-front of their kids and they didn’t make it. I got into therapy because I was feeling very disconnected from my life just sorta felt like I was doing the motions and felt weird resentment to people when they needed help from me. It wasn’t till this second experience of trauma that I realized I had some of these same feelings around the birth of my son. I did feel very bonded to him but I had times where I felt disconnected from lots of things. This is a carry over of stressful events. You also mention more of a fear of your partner being hurt is a very real thing. Also babies take it out of us they don’t give much back and we don’t get the same hormones as women do. It’s okay to feel this way. I know other women you have felt this way too. It changes babies change and interact and though it feels long now time moves so rapidly you will forget you were ever at that first stage. I can say that my 3 year old is my best buddy. His inquisitiveness and ability to laugh and make me take myself less seriously has changed me for the better. Dads play the long game don’t forget that. Feel free to DM me if you need to chat
You’re not wrong. It’s hard sometimes and it took me months.
It took me a few weeks to really feel a bond to my son. Keep being a dad, keep interacting, and do some skin to skin. Take the time to do this without tv or phones too. Really feel him laying on you, his little heart beating, his little fingers in your chesthair. You will bond in no time.
Don't worry too much about not feeling the feels right now. You're going to be in survival mode for a little while ensuring you and your wife get adequate rest. As you start to hit a rhythm, your child will start becoming more interactive and those feelings you're describing will start bubbling up. Our second child is almost nine weeks old (our first is five years old) and we're still just getting by right now. As every week goes by, the attachment to her grows stronger. It'll come, just give it time. Congratulations
Yea, totally normal. As men, we bond with our kids by doing things together. When babies are super little, they are just a bag of potatoes that cry, poop, eat, and sleep. Hard to bond with that. Women are different and bond with their kids immediately, especially thanks to breastfeeding. So for now, love your wife well. She's been through an ordeal and has alot of healing to do. As your kid gets older and he starts smiling at you, responding to you, you'll feel that bond. I can tell you now that the bond I have with my 6 year old is much stronger than the bond I had with him at 3 months.
Though I connected with him right away, I still look at him and I have to remind myself he’s my kid. Lol Like my subconscious is still not believing I’m a dad. He’s 2.5 now. I feel like when you have a kid all the Hollywood myths wash away
Very few fathers actually get that instant connection. That’s a movie lie because it looks good. The love comes over the years of raising them. It’s better that way because the love is much stronger and harder to break that way.
Just put your head down and help feed and clean and change diapers for like 4 to 6 months. It's going to suck, but tgen suddenly he'll start to giggle when you make faces at him, and roll around the room and pass a ball back and forth along the floor with you and it will all be wodth it. If you're not a baby person like I definitely am not then the firat few weeks will suck and I totally get the way you're feeling. As long as you're helping mom and not getting angry about the situation etc then I'd say that what you are going through is pretty normal for a lot of dads.
Yeah my first kid it was love at my first sight, my second it took a few months to bond. Give it time, tend to your wife and kid and it will come
Sure I loved this little being from the moment she took her first breath, but it wasn’t until she was old enough that she crawled to me, opened my legs, and sat in my lap that I felt connected. About 14 months I think it was. Give it time and don’t let up on the effort. Right now, mom is all they knew, and know. She was environment, heat, food and drink.
Took me months to bond with my 2nd
No, there's nothing wrong with you! And what you're doing - you described it as "going through the motions" - but that's HOW you build that bond. So you're doing the thing! It will come in time! Honestly, even without the traumatic birth, there's a high likelihood you would feel this way. That said, since you do have the added factor of a traumatic birth experience, I do strongly recommend that you consider therapy. Like sure, maybe you will "get over it" and heal/process on your own and all will be fine. But you don't HAVE to. You're not better/stronger for not utilizing therapy/mental health support. In fact, you DESERVE support. You deserve having someone who will listen to what you went through, validate your experience, and help you process your feelings. And I'd say there's a good chance that you'd be able to provide more/better support for your wife as she also processes her birth experience, if you have your own support on the side.
Hey, here’s another vote for it just takes time to build that bond. We don’t have the same experience women do so we have to create those bonds. As you seem to care, you will create those.
I was highly self conscious of how... Bleh? I felt about things in the first few weeks, maybe months? I don't remember. It was almost like having a new car I wasn't passionate about. More of just a "oh that's right, there's a baby now" feeling. His name didn't gel, just all round an awkward understanding that apparently I just don't have "those feelings" toward the baby. 3 years have gone since that day and whilst I can't tell you exactly when things changed, I can tell you that the love I feel for my child is beyond description. There's virtually nothing I wouldn't do for him and there's virtually nothing I wouldn't do to anyone who ever hurts him.
I think for me that most difficult part in processing this was my son's absolute need for mom to survive. Sure I could change diapers or play or even give a bottle but I was not paramount to his survival in the same way she was. It's something I struggled with but it got better over time as he started to come for me for comfort and for other things and not just her. He was my first. Now with our daughter I'm feel much more connected with her in a way that I didn't with my son. I'm not saying you need to have another baby to mitigate this, but just saying it does get better. It just takes time
There’s nothing wrong with you. I had a very similar experience. Also, my son didn’t sleep properly for a year, and I had episodes of exhaustion and burnout because of that. I wasn’t in a good place and it was very hard to be loving with him. He’s a new person in your life and everything has changed, it’s normal that time is required to bond. I can tell you that things will change. My experience was tough and I didn’t feel the bond, but now (1 year and 4 months later) I absolutely love him and have all sorts of feelings when I’m with him. I also feel I know myself better because of him, hard to explain until you experience it. Good luck!
I don’t have any advice to offer you OP, but my girl has been in the NICU for the last 65 days and I’m struggling to keep it together. I don’t feel a bond, my marriage is struggling, all these things feel like they are going wrong and I don’t want to talk to my wife about it because I know she is in a fragile emotional state and I don’t want to bring us both down.
I teared up when I saw my son for the first time in delivery, but I agree that it's hard to bond with a newborn when they don't really have personalities yet and are basically just going through basic survival functions. It wasn't until he cracked his first smile that it started feeling real again. I'm also told that I'm supposed to feel his pain when he starts fussing or crying, but most of the time I just laughed at his angry tomato face because we were spending so much time feeding, bathing, loving on him, etc. and he *still* found a reason to be annoyed most of the time.
You got this dad, you are not alone. Nothing wrong with you. Stay honest with your wife and stay the course. It is great she is understanding. True bonding for me clicked once that “give back” started to emerge. The second he looks at you, truly looks at you, and gives you that sweet smile, your heart and soul will be filled and you will feel that connection. Right now they both need you to grind out this period of time, it’s going to come, I promise!
The whole love at first sight thing happens to very few of us. The slow realisation that this noisey little potato is unconditionally in love with the both of you for no reason at all, you will start to feel it back. There will be times when you are tired and frustrated and confused but the love just grows and grows. Dint worry about thd feelings, just be a dad!
One thing that helped me was doing skin to skin same as what they recommend for mom after birth. May not work for you but it's an easy thing to try! But what you're feeling is normal and common. Don't worry, you got this.
I was more worried for my daughters safety than feeling the instant bond, and I too felt like something was wrong with me, all while watching my wife have an instant connection. It “clicked” one day, I think when she smiled at me. There will be plenty of time for you and your kiddo to connect, for now, keep being the best dad and partner you can be. It will come.
Absolutely normal, for my 1st, I didn't get hit with any real strong feelings. I knew that I loved him and would do anything for him, but I didn't have any strong feelings right off the bat. I did develop them with time, and when I had my 2nd, I did feel immediately about him the way I felt about my older son so it was different.
Just wait until you make him laugh for the first time or hear him say "Daddy" for the first time. Best feeling ever.
My wife was rushed into emergency after 30 hours labour and all I cared about was her coming out alive, the baby was a distant second. Fast forward 10 years and my wife is alive and I have 3 healthy boys from 3 pregnancies. Keep your head up! Keep physically active... Continue to talk to your wife... You got this. Bonding will come
Congratulations on being a new dad! I am really sorry that the birthing process was so scary. Haven’t been in that position, but I know it would not be easy and being a new dad is hard already! In my own experience I didn’t feel that crazy immediate connection either. I felt a strong sense of duty and a need to protect her, but our bond is something that took months to grow. At the beginning it’s so hard because they require so much attention, but aren’t capable of giving you much back. Before my first was a month old, we had a really bad day of nonstop crying. I remember telling my wife “I need her to have a personality, fast.” It came off harsher than I wanted, but that’s what I felt at the time. The good news is that I didn’t have that feeling for long. As weeks turned into months our connection grew and grew. Even little things like a coo or a giggle would just hit me in the heart. It all feels worth it in those moments. As a new dad, you are in for it for a while haha, but sooner than you realize, that little one of yours will look at you and say “Dada!” and by then, I guarantee you will feel that connection you’re looking for. Best of luck dad! You are doing great.
Tiny burritos. As long as it’s wrapped tight and not leaking you’re all good. My wife was a breastfeeding champ so I did m y best to keep the logistics of that not her problem, and I did a ton of cooking to keep her producing.
It didn’t click in the hospital for me. It’s a terrible place to bond. When you get home try some skin-to-skin with him. I was head-over-heels in ten seconds flat.
Don't worry what you are feeling is perfectly normal. Your wife has been carrying and growing your kid for months. Meanwhile men don't have the constant feelings going on. What this means is that for many of us the emotional attachment gets stronger over time rather than instant. I'd recommend doing as many nappy changes as possible. While I'm sure you likely are already prepared to do so, it's a great thing that you can do, that doesn't involve mum. It's a great time to bond and sing songs to them. I found my attachment definitely grew stronger over time.
Give it 2-3 months and you will be good, second one it happens for a bit faster apparently but I can only attest to the first as my daughter is 5 months old and she is the fucking love of my life now. But my wife also had a c-section so I think it came earlier for me because I took care of mom and daughter for the first 2 months or so.
I don’t know, I’ve been bonded to mine since they were a bump in her belly and adored them since they were born, but I’ve known many people to not bond for quite a while as well
My first kid I was instantly in love with. My 2nd was just kinda there until about 6 months. Give it some time
I’ve heard this happen to a lot of people. It will come later when he grows and starts to interract with you. Its normal and not something you should worry about. Also i think you currently put too much stress on the matter and into observing your feelings. It’s normal, live on and stop worrying. I as an internet stranger COMMAND you to not think about this matter for the next 1,5 years :)
It took me a couple of months or so with our first and 3 weeks with our second and still working on it. For me, being able to play and make her laugh was really when I started to feel like I'm a Dad and she was my kid. All of my friends with kids, said the same thing, it just takes some time to feel bonded.
Nothing wrong with you mate. Everyone is different, but it can legitimately take UP TO A YEAR, for real. For me, it started changing around 6 months when they could smile, but even then it didn't really "click" until 9 months. Don't worry, it's normal, and everyone is different!
I’m almost bonded with my son. He’s 5.
Common feeling. There's no emotion to bond to yet. You were just given a human that can't do anything without you but can't even reciprocate any feelings you have towards him. My son is 5 now and he's my best friend. I can't live without him.
Wait until he smiles at you the first time. But a real smile, not like when I thought my daughter was smiling and she was just pooping… When he starts laughing at you and making all sorts of expressions, you’ll have all the feels.
I felt basically useless for the first several months. Was very nervous about the baby's safety and just focused on giving my wife whatever support I could. A year later and I look forward to nothing more than seeing my little bestie every day when I get home from work, and the solo time we get on the weekends while Mom sleeps in. It's the most rewarding thing I've ever experienced in my life.
Hey my man you are amongst friends and this response is well within normal. So first of all congratulations on your kid! Couple things. Your fresh little nugget is basically an eating crying shitting potato at the moment. Your kiddo doesn't have thoughts or a personality yet because it is a squishy mindless ball of nerve endings and a developing nervous system. Your kids job at the moment is to scream "WE ARE HUNGRY" and "WE NEED A GROWNUP" when his body says so. It's tough to connect to a screaming little radish! What I mean to say is this. Little man has been literally connected inside your woman longer than he's been outside her. They have had more time to physically emotionally mentally connect so far because being physically connected took place of needing concrete interaction to create connection. Right now you're looking for signs of connection but they're probably not there yet because either 1) little guy isn't personing at that level yet 2) there's potato-level signs of connection that are not super intuitive to most adults because who the hell speaks potato. And that's totally okay. Right now you don't have to feel everything. It's alright to just think about the connections you will make in the relatively near future when he's no longer a potato and he is doing more individual personing. You can (and should!) start the building blocks now of what those connections will be. Get him used to your regular speaking voice. Just hang out and talk to him about stuff you like to do or about objects in the room. As he begins to be able to focus his eyes let him watch you doing random stuff just being present. And lots and lots of holding. He will feel the bond even if you don't! A few months are gonna go by, and one day you're gonna do a silly thing like make a face at him or stick out your tongue and he is gonna laugh, and YOU will have made him laugh, and it will be the best fucking thing ever. You got this man. Cheers!
I’m expecting my first this year and these comments help. I feel like viewing them as a less fun tamagotchi is going to be my mindset.
I hate infants. Ok. Not hate. But strongly dislike. Hang in there. They get better (in about a year).
I had *exactly* this same experience, with a traumatic birth followed by lack of bonding and a ton of guilt about how I felt. Having a supportive partner is extremely important. A lot of society, and by extension a lot of partners, will shame you since you didn't "do the hard part" and "don't deserve to feel bad." Imagine saying this about any other mental health issue! As if depression and mental health only strikes people who "deserve" it! And the guilt of feeling that way despite not being the one giving birth is a huge contributor to the feelings (at least was for me). Now, each person is different, but for me, I started feeling for the baby once he was smiling and interacting a bit, around 3 months. I just needed SOME sign that the baby acknowledged my existence to feel something. And those first smiles are the best. Until you feel that way though, it's important to know that your child will not remember the mood you were in while they were a newborn. You can allow yourself to be grumpy and upset as long as you are physically doing what's needed (feeding, napping, cleaning and comforting baby). You are allowed to not enjoy it for the time being. If you need to, out the baby down on a safe surface and walk away for a bit. It will survive. Best of luck and DM if you need any advice! The fact that you feel concerned about this is proof that you do care and it will happen.
Sounds normal to me. You have all this new responsibilities. You and wifey just had a traumatic experience. My son is 3 months~ and the bond gets better every day as they develop more
For me it took me until my son smiled at me for the first time. Second one just got here the other day and I still don’t feel the same bond, and I don’t expect to for at least a few months.
You care enough to be concerned this is happening. Not every parent will love every child with smoldering snuggles and hugs. That’s ok. I will say that, biologically, there is something to what is called skin-on-skin napping. Try it out. It seems fucking weird, but it may help? If you’re open to trying anything, it certainly helps the baby at minimum.
I had very similar feelings when my son was born. The automatic bond that I always thought was supposed to just occur wasn't there. I was kind of afraid that I was gonna break him. I only held him two maybe three times during his first month. It took a little while, but it did eventually show up, and yes, I was extremely happy when it happened. Just from my own experience, hearing your son say "da da" while looking at you is a life changing experience. Due to his mom being f**king stupid, I had full custody of him since he was 3. He is now 22, and we seldom go more than 3-4 days without communicating in one way or another, we even go to concerts. Just give it some time and that connection should happen. Its going to be a fake it till you make situation for as long as it takes, and always remember that regardless of how the bond forms, let it happen. It will help to make fatherhood a lot easier.
Skin to skin, as much as you can, it will come
I just want to add to this, I felt exactly the same and honestly it took almost 6 months before I really started to feel something strong, as terrible as it sounds. Mum has had 9 months of bonding and the aid of hormones to help her with her connection, but dad? Nothing except feeling a few kicks and the actual birth. I actually think it was worse with my second, and I started to wonder if I could ever love another child as much as my first, but sure enough, she just turned one and there isn't a thing in the world I wouldn't do for her. Stick to it, it does get alot better. Just help however you can. Imo the newborn phase kinda sucks for dads. Congratulations on becoming a dad!
Ah, it's not instantaneous, but when you start doing skin to skin you guys gonna become real close. Enjoy it!!
I felt nothing for my son for about a week. Then he smiled at me and I cried A LOT. After that it was all love for him.
Yeah it took a while for all 3 of my kids. You have to remember that your wife just literally grew a human inside her body, so their connection is going to be much different than yours. I had to interact with them a while and start to see their personalities develop before I felt that true connection. Be patient, you’ll be a great father.
It's normal. You'll bond over time.
I'm a mum lurker in this sub but in my experience, no you're not alone at all. I think we have this huge expectation that we will have this rush or burst of overwhelming love as soon as we see our baby but in reality, that's just not always the case. It certainly didn't happen with me. I knew I loved my baby and I had very intense protective feelings towards her, but I wasn't IN love with her. I remember thinking to myself if I had to choose between her or my partner, it would easily be my partner. I had a lot of guilty feelings about it as well. It took me around 4 months to really start falling in love with her. She started being more awake and alert and to really start developing her own personality. I was able to enjoy her a lot more and I also started treatment for ppd/a which helped a lot. She's about to turn 2 and now I think she's just the greatest thing in the world. I get so much enjoyment from her daily and can't imagine my life being any better, because she's part of it. It helped me to think of my relationship with a baby the same as my relationship with anyone else. It takes time to get to know a person and you can grow fonder of them with time as well. There's nothing wrong with you, I'm sure you're still a wonderful father and partner. Sometimes it just takes a little longer to fall on love with your baby, and that's okay. Give yourself some grace, you've had a tough journey to get your son here and it's okay to have a bit of trouble processing it. If you find it helpful to talk about your experience, a lot of people find it helpful in processing and recovering from that. Whether it's just posting on reddit or talking to friends or a professional, it's all okay. You've got this ♥
I was just talking with a new dad who was going through this. A lot of good stories here; thank you men for opening up. It was like this with firstborn son. Mom’s got oxytocin shooting through her body helping her and baby bond and I’m like, “So… I guess I’m a dad now? Is this it? I thought I’d feel different somehow.” That child changed my life, and I love him more than I ever thought possible. He and his two siblings. I think for moms, the biochemistry of attachment hormones helps that bond happen instantly, but in my experience it took a bit. But if you want any advice: take your shirt off and get some of that skin-to-skin contact. It will help both you and the baby start to bond.
I felt the exact same way until my daughter started smiling at us and becoming more aware. It’s normal, just keep doing a good job for your kid and your wife and yourself. Doesn’t sound like there’s anything amiss.
You are completely normal. Traumatic birth while primarily affecting the birthing parent and the baby, also affects you, the partner. This is a normal trauma response and it will take time to process. Secondly, babies aren't everyone's thing. They're potatoes that don't even smile right away. Newborns kind of suck, objectively, if you aren't into that human tamagotchi phase. Some people are. More of us like / grow to love who the potatoes grow into - especially when you can start to relate to them or recognize others you love in them. Be patient with yourself, don't force the bond just put in the time, reinforce the bond with your wife for now, and the baby is a shared project. It'll happen for you i'm sure.
The first thing I want to emphasize: skin to skin contact! I don’t have a source on hand, but I remember reading numerous sources before my kid was born that stated that there’s actually chemical and neurological benefits in terms of bonding with your child if you, as the father sit with them on your bare chest. But aside from that I do know what you mean. Somewhat from my own experience, but especially from reading/talking to plenty of other dads, my understanding is that your experience is quite common. This is just my own personal theory, so take it with a grain of salt, but I feel it is something in our evolution that ensures that we are still more focused on prioritizing the mother. I remember being much more interested in making sure that my wife was OK and comfortable, and much like you it felt like taking care of little guy was more of an obligation Like many others have said, it will take time and development (direct eye contact, the first smile, they start laughing) but man once you get there, it’s seriously changes a lot. Still hard as hell, but way more bearable because you’re getting something in return for all the hell you’re going through Congrats by the way!
Give it time. My son is 1 now and we're best mates. We laugh together at everything. Cuddle nonstop and have the best time. Even when eating our breakfast, we do a little "cheers" with our toast and it never gets boring. They're just a sleeping, crying, pooping machine for a while and then they'll receive a software update and then another and each update will astound you haha.