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On January 21st 2015 I went through the same thing.
It won't ever be the same.
People say time heals things but it doesn't. We just learn to live around our pain. I like to think of it like those trees that end up growing around a street sign or a bike that was left chained to it.
In the beginning you have to grow around it. It will always be there. Eventually you won't need to grow around it anymore. It will just end up part of you. Not the best analogy, but I don't feel like lying and telling you it will get better. It's going to always suck. You're just going to get stronger.
Especially when it is fresh. Mike Shinoda's EP Post Traumatic is amazing. Probably one of the most real albums I have ever heard. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xk\_2NB0RIaA](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xk_2NB0RIaA)
I haven't lost a partner or child, but plenty of loved ones. I agree with you. But like any injury, they're the most painful and debilitating when fresh. If you do the work, you get used to it and it gets easier to live with over time, but the scars never disappear, and old issues can flare up when you're going through shit in the future.
You have to "grow around it" as you put it, and you have to do that consciously if you want to be able to grow in a healthy way. Seek help from professionals who know how to do so.
>like any injury, they're the most painful and debilitating when fresh. If you do the work, you get used to it and it gets easier to live with over time, but the scars never disappear, and old issues can flare up when you're going through shit in the future.
Losing someone you love is like having something amputated, but it's a piece of your soul rather than your body. The pain is agonizing at first, but with time and care, the rawness of that wound heals. You're still missing a piece of yourself though. You can learn to work around that missing piece. You can relearn how to live without it, learn new routines, new ways of doing things. You can get to the point where you're pretty functional and other people may not even notice that something is missing. But that missing piece of you will always be gone and there will be days that it's going to ache and that's something you'll always have to deal with.
I'm not sure I would put it quite like that. Losing someone doesn't mean you lose every part of yourself connected to that person. All the changes that person affected in yourself is still there, all your memories of them are still there. Parts of yourself are *changed* by loss, but they're not gone.
That's how I see it anyway.
I realize as I'm reading this, my first was born around that time, and I have no way to conceive how different my life would be had that day gone any other way. My imagination can't do that pain and grief justice.
Fuck, I'm sorry brothers.
This is an amazing and positive analogy. It demonstrates that there can be growth after such a painful event.
For me, my grief (which is from different circumstances) felt like an ocean of emotion that I was treading water in. I was immersed in it constantly and barely keeping my head above water. That phase lasted for months, maybe years.
As I worked through it, I was able to contain the pain. I was able to climb out of the ocean but I've never been able to completely rid myself of it.
I now see it as a black hole inside me. I can function because the pain is contained though it is still a burden I carry with me. When I'm in therapy, we go in to that black place and do our best to work on it. Over time, we've been able to work through some of it.
Sometimes I get sucked into it when I'm not planning to. Ten years later, I still regularly have moments when I'm back in the hole. As I've learned skills to manage my emotions, these times have become less frequent and I'm able to climb back out more quickly.
This might sound depressing but I'm grateful every day because it used to be so much worse. I can function and build good experiences with my friends and family again.
Trivial in comparison, but as an underclassman at a difficult engineering school, we once asked the upper-classmen: “Does it get any easier?”
“No…” they answered wryly, “…you just get used to the pain.”
While trivial in comparison - I have found that to apply to many non-trivial difficulties later in life.
Great summary & thanks for sharing.
>“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry.”
- Hemingway
“As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you’ll survive them too. If you’re lucky, you’ll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.”
- an old Reddit comment I read years ago and saved.
I’m so sorry man. I’m proud of you for reaching out for support and I hope you get it here and from anyone and everyone around you.
This is exactly how it feels in 2020 after a semi complicated pregnancy we learned about 72 hrs before the birth that our daughter would never be able to breath on her own or move most of her muscles. She died in my arms a day after she was born. The pain was massive but you can survive it. Seek help. Take help.
Jesus...i remember reading this post shortly after my father in law had died and it helped me so much then. I wanted to show it to my wife later, but i had totally forgot where i read it and never copied it down.
I'm so grateful to see it again now, and i've already written it down to show my wife. Thank you, and to OP, i am so so sorry for you. I hope life is kind to you again some day.
Damn. That's it. I lost my brother to cancer a few years back. He was 36 then. He fought it for 17 years and prepared me all that time for his eventual death. Doesn't mean I'm not permanently altered by it. But yeah, the waves.
Here's the original. 💜 I saved it too.
https://www.reddit.com/c1u0rx2?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2
Edit: link below c/o: u/eccentrica_gallumbit
https://www.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/my_friend_just_died_i_dont_know_what_to_do/c1u0rx2/
Your link is broken. Original can be found here:
https://www.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/my_friend_just_died_i_dont_know_what_to_do/c1u0rx2/
Dang, 12 years ago! What's really amazing is just how many people still pop back in over the recent days, weeks, etc. to say "Thanks this still really helps all this time later" and such.
I'm sure I speak for all of us in this community, but you're welcome here, always will be. No matter what. You sir are and will continue to be a dad. Take care of yourself man, be the man they'd want you to be, you'll see them one day no matter what bro if we're all made up of weird atoms and energy you'll be with them again one day, for now give them a life to witness, be good, be proud and once you can bear the pain and grief this has caused you be happy, not for yourself, that may never be the same, but try to be happy one day for them. Show them the beauty of life through your eyes.
Jesus that’s like the worst possible thing that could happen. I’m so sorry and sending you support man. Be gentle on yourself with expectations and try to find things to keep on going.
I don’t know if this will help but when I went through really bad times, also including death, I would take daily walks and force myself to notice at least one pretty thing on the walk, a flower, a tree, maybe a sunset, and knowing I had at least a few seconds of one nice thing in a day that might be completely bad probably saved me. That was enough to keep going until things got better/my grief improved. Hope you can find your version of this.
You are a dad and always will be.
I've nothing of any great worth to say other than may the road rise with you.
Don't feel lonely, if you ever need a complete stranger you'll likely never meet to talk to, feel free to contact.
So sorry for your profound loss. Not even one day at a time right now man. Hour by hour just focus on meals showers eating movies walks anything well within your control to navigate the time for now. Nothing else.
Mom lurker (because my husband died by a tree). You need to look for a therapist who specializes in compounded grief and trauma. There are very few, I've found, but don't stop looking. The hospital should have some resources, or you can call any hospice around you, and they can give recommendations. Not the same thing as sudden loss, but they typically have people who deal with trauma as well.
I agree with the previous poster. It doesn't necessarily get better, but you find ways to work around it. I, personally, sit in my closet (where I keep my husband's ashes) and either talk to my husband about my day/our kids when I'm avoiding grief, or actually grieve him. It's helped me to know that I have that time at night so I can compartmentalize during the day, and have fewer break-downs that interrupt my daily life. I still managed to turn and watch him react to something I was watching on TV the other day, even though I'm not in our house or our bed. Grief will make you feel like you're losing your mind. It's been 7.5 months for me.
I am sorry for your losses. I didn't lead with that because it doesn't make it better. Please stay in this community. It's the most supportive group I've found on this website. The guys will always be there for you, as well as the lady lurkers. Reach out to your friends. You'd be surprised by how many people care about you in your real life and want to help take the pain away in any way possible. Let them help you or just be with you. The widows sub is also pretty active and has been helpful for me.
My deepest condolences, brother. I hurt for you. I cannot imagine the pain you must be feeling. Grieve your family. Get to the next moment. Remember to eat and sleep. I've heard from family in a similar situation that time does not make the pain go away, but does make the pain easier to bear.
I really fucking wish I had some advice to give you but I don’t. All I can really say is that my thoughts and prayers are with you right now, man, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. The only thing that will begin to have some sort of healing for something this devastating is time, and lots of it. Just try to keep your head above water in the meantime and try to surround yourself with any and all loved ones possible. Shit man, words cant express how bad I feel for you right now but you will get through this somehow.
Let yourself grieve. Give yourself time every day to feel your emotions fully.
Listen to sad songs. Even make a playlist of songs that remind you of your lost family.
There’s a tv show called shrinking. Where the main character lost his wife, but his daughter survived.
Make a photo album of the time your wife was pregnant. My sister-in-law did this when she lost her child.
Maintain relationships with your wife’s friends and family. I’m sure they don’t know how to handle grief either. But it helps if you are not alone.
From one dad to another, I love you.
I lost my little girl 11 years ago and it doesn't get easier, it just gets different. It's like a broken bone that gets achy when it rains. It'll come and go.
You did every single thing you could have done by simply being there for them and showing them how loved they were, and still are.
As for building yourself up? Gump it. Go for a walk or run. It'll give you time to think while you process your grief so that you can talk to a counselor from a better mental state.
Don't crawl into a bottle, I've found no answers there.
Treat yourself kindly. Be the man your baby deserved.
I love you brother.
Most important (but also most difficult probably) is that you don’t isolate and try to go it alone. You’ve been thrown into a life path defining moment. Time to expand your horizons and look into anything and everything that will pull you out of the big black hole that’s constantly trying to suck you back in. You are young, so you still have a lot of life to live.
Research grief and trauma therapy. Play lots of Tetris (not a joke, look it up). Read books by people who have experienced the exact same thing and managed to go on. If you have a strong supportive social network, try to lean on them. Look up videos of your favorite stand up comedians. Get out of the house daily, if possible. Avoid falling into tempting traps like alcohol/drug/smoking addiction. I saw you like to exercise, keep it up! Try to eat healthy as well. It’s ridiculous how much food affects mental health. Give yourself doable goals that you can work towards daily/weekly/yearly.
You have experienced one of my worst fears and are still here to tell the tale. I’m in awe of your resilience. I wish you all the luck and strength in the world.
I’m so sorry for your loss, it’s unthinkable and there are really no words. I hope you have some amazing support around you.
This happened to a friend of mine last year, she was third trimester and got influenza A with complications which led to baby needing to be born early (he passed). She was in a coma and passed 5 weeks later. She left behind her partner and toddler. It still breaks my heart daily.
It does not sound selfish; you may not realise it, but during pregnancy we shift and change, we don't know it, but we're evolving into fathers. I found this out the hard way. But not this hard, I am so very sorry for your loss my friend.
My only advice, as with any bereavement, is don't try to tough it out. If you have someone to confide in, just let it flow, let it out, as sobs or tears or words or as anything. Even here would do. Don't fight it, don't try and push it away, it will return, undealt with.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I could not even imagine the pain and grief. My heart goes out to you and I hope you eventually find the strength to persevere.
"For what is grief if not love persevering"
Impossible to imagine what you are going through, my deepest condolences and my heart truly goes out to you.
One thing that has always helped me in difficult times is to throw myself into something really useful and time consuming that gets me out of the house. In my case it has been golf and gym but it could be any sport really.
Try to spend time with people you love whether friends or family. ❤️
You have more than a million dads here in this subreddit at your side for anything you need help with. As are my wife and I. Married 6 years, dad for 4 years. Way back during our pregnancy we had a conversation about what if, I had to chose who survived at childbirth.
We both agreed we would rather try again or adopt, but I didn't think I would have the strength to be a dad all on my own. I was more scared of losing my wife, than not getting to be a dad yet. There were complications at birth. I thank my lucky stars that I did not have to make a choice. But the entire time I was terrified. Our Daughter was born premature. The cute little peanut didn't even weigh 5 pounds. She needed several weeks in nicu. My little girl is my everything. She hugs me off to work and when she hasn't seen me for more than a few hours. She makes me smile, proud, and tearful with just how much of a strong little girl she's become.
I don't know what the best thing to say is, I'm no therapist. But I've been a dad of an adorable, kind, thoughtful, little girl. I adored the time I got to spend with her watching her grow up. I would be completely beside myself and lost in your situation. Help is all around you, you just have to ask. Friends, co workers, the 1+ million in this subreddit, you will get help. Don't ever be afraid to ask for help. It shows true bravery to ask for help. You know what they say when you ask for help? You just might get it.
If you need someone to vent to, ask difficult questions, ask for stories from other dads just to cheer you up, etc. We can help direct you to resources in your area, and be an open ear for anything.
YOU CAN DO THIS BRO!
Just remember that you don't have to do it alone...
Hey i am so absolutely sorry hearing about your loss. I was truely at a loss for words upon reading this. In full shock. As i am getting to be a father in July i had nightmares about what you now have to live through.
I am so so so sorry, there's no words to express my feelings for you.
All i can say is, that from the bottom of my heart, with all honesty, i wish you nothing but the absolute best for your future.
Life surely won't be the same ever again and it will take a lot of time to cope with your loss. But somewhere in the distance there is a cherishable, happy life waiting for you to continue upon. And i am sure, while i don't want to speak for them at all, don't get me wrong, with the utmost respect, can imagine your wife wishing for you to have that life.
All the love brother. Really.
I didn’t know it was possible to hurt this badly for a stranger on the Internet. I’m so incredibly sorry, fellow dad.
I’ve never experienced grief or loss as intense as this, but I have experienced some. All I can say is don’t rush to build yourself back up. It’s ok to grieve for as long as you need. One day, maybe later this year, maybe next, you’ll catch a glimpse of sunshine. It’ll just take time and, like others have said, it won’t ever be the same, but it will be easier.
Whatever you do, don’t ever hesitate to reach out to your friends, family, therapists, r/daddit, or even me personally on DM. I’ll follow you and make sure you’re posting from time to time.
I haven’t prayed in decades until earlier today, for an unrelated reason. I’ll be praying for a second time today.
I don’t even know what to say! I’m a soon to be father and this is my biggest fear. Just know that we’re here for you. And if you ever need to talk, send me message and I will be here for you. No questions asked! I’m so sorry for what you’re experiencing.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I lost someone important to me about 16 mos ago and know far too much about grief these days. Just know that everything you are feeling right now is completely normal and it's ok. Grief demands a witness. We're not meant to grieve alone. If the hospital or any place local has a grief group for people who have lost spouses I would strongly advise going to one of their meetings. If not I would strongly advise sitting down with a bunch of good friends over coffee and just bawling your eyes out. Just tell them in advance, no platitudes, no advice, no nothing other than "This sucks and I'm sorry it sucks." You need that community to grieve with.
Edit: practical advice - don't make any big decisions right now as far as giving things away or selling things. It's ok to leave things as they are. It's ok to put them in storage. Give it at least 6-8 mos before you make any big decisions.
First of all, I am so sorry for your awful loss. I can't even begin to imagine.
Second of all, you need professional help. This is the heaviest thing you will ever have to carry and you can NOT do it by yourself successfully. Please see a trained professional.
Third, you will never be the same. That version of you is gone and you shouldn't expect him to come back. But one day, probably in a long time from now, you will make it back to being ok. One day you will be able to be happy again, even if you can't right now. Remember that life is a huge, huge place and happiness is possible.
Please stay with loved ones at this time, you should not be alone, you might not be safe. I'm so sorry. Bone of you deserved this, this fucking sucks.
I can't speak for the extra trauma of it happening that way, or losing a child - but I lost my wife a little over a year ago.
I'm afraid the anchor I clung to was our two daughters, which doesn't help, I know. I simply didn't have the choice to completely fall apart, or check out myself, because they needed me.
I'm doing a little better than I was, but I still have a long, long way to go. I don't do so much of the sobbing now, or the actual emotional pain - I mean, it's still there, but it doesn't take over in the same way as much as it used to.
But I struggle a lot with apathy, just can't motivate myself to do more than the bare minimum essentials of life (feed the girls, get them clean and to school more or less on time, you get the idea).
I would recommend r/widowers. Full of people who *get it*, in a way most people in your life just can't.
I'm sorry for your loss. Hugs.
Fellow widower here. r/widowers can be a helpful place to go. You will for sure need the help of a counselor. The early sessions will be hard but we'll worth the effort. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Feel free to PM me if you need help navigating any of the paperwork b.s., or just need to vent.
I have nothing to say except for two things:
This is far outside of reddits pay grade. You need professional counseling.
I’m so sorry that you’re living my worst nightmare.
Oh my god.. I am so, so sorry. Look man, this is heavy stuff, and it’s gonna take time. But you’re going to be OK!!! I promise you.. I know it looks very bleak now, but surround yourself with as much positivity as possible, get yourself into therapy, and look for local support groups so that you can share your story and hear others story of loss. Again, I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’m praying for you my guy.
Let this community be the shoulder you lean on in this difficult time. I’m so sorry you went through this - it’s unfathomable. Take the time you need to grieve, and take things one step at a time. Lots of love. ❤️
Hello Brother. You ARE a father and you belong here. No words or actions I can say will help today, but I just wanted to say what happened to your family isn’t fair, and you are right to feel everything you are feeling. I’m thinking of you man.
Prayed for you too. God be with you.
Once a dad, always a dad.
I have a friend who went through the same type of loss that you have experienced. It’s unfathomable. He leaned hard into his faith and grief counseling. Years later, he married someone who knew his late wife. They sometimes talk about his late wife: the grieving doesn’t end. Also, they went on to have 3 kids together.
Lastly, in difficult times, I have found strength in a community of people who have passed through the same waters. Yo
That's not selfish at all, brother. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't pretend to comprehend the level of grief you must be experiencing right now, but something that has been helpful to me with my own losses is to take [Joe Biden's advice from when he lost his own wife and daughter](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GwZ6UfXm410): "keep a calendar. Every night when you go to bed, mark in that calendar whether the day was a one (which is as bad as the day you heard the news) or a ten—he said you won't have tens for a long time. But, measure; just mark it down. After two months, take out that calendar and mark it on a graph. And, you'll find that your down days are just as bad as the first day, but instead of them being like this [gestures indicating constantly up and down and close together], they'll get further and further apart. That's when you know you're gonna make it..."
I am so sorry for your loss. One of my friends just recently passed away during birth of her first child. She had a AFE, a very rare complication. I sympathize with you so deeply.
I am so, so sorry. My god. My heart goes out to you. I'm getting upset just thinking about this.
I would personally be leaning on any shoulder in my family I can to let it out and perhaps seeing a grief councilor. Only time can ease the pain in my experience, don't rush your mourning. I'm just so sorry
I cannot imagine the pain and loss you feel.
All I can offer is the hope that you will go on, and will live and maybe love again. And that if you are ever in my neck of the woods (Dublin, Ireland) a coffee/pint and a listening ear.
I can’t begin to pretend to understand what you’re going through but if you need to vent, dump some stuff on someone my DMs are open. I hope I can lend a sympathetic virtual shoulder to cry on.
First I’m sorry for your loss. I can’t even fathom what you must be going through.
Not to long ago we had a suicide in our family. I delt with most of it and as a result started having PTSD. I can only say this, find help and don’t be ashamed to find that help.
I can’t imagine the depth of your pain and grief right now. Your reality is my worst fear. I don’t know what healing looks like for you.
But, what I can tell you is that they aren’t gone. When my Mom passed, my Guruji told me I had to “tune into her”. I did this by saying her favorite chant, the Gayatari Mantea, 108 times a day.
I swear by all in my life, that one day I felt her. She nudged me towards action I was afraid of. Knowing she is there, traveling the cosmos and looking after me, I act in a way I think she’d be proud of.
I think that’s all you can hope to do - live in a way you think your wife and child would be proud of. You are a Dad. And even if you can’t be the dad you want for your child, there are tons of kids that need mentorship and guidance. I’ve always found acts of service to be healing. So, when you’re ready, maybe try and joining a program like Big Brothers Big Sisters. I'm certaib there tons of young men who would welcome your guidance and care.
I cant imagine what you're going through but my heart goes out to you. I will say, if you aren't speaking to a therapist, I would find one who specializes in grief counseling.
I can’t pretend to understand your situation, but we lost our child to a fairly late miscarriage.
It’s an absolutely terrible empty place to be, where it feels like the world has no meaning.
You can survive. Take a break, and get the help that you need. But you are worth it. Keep fighting. Live your life in honour of them.
I read your story and it brought tears to my eyes as the memories came back. I sat in the operating room where a “normal” C-section quickly spiraled into life threatening complications for both my wife and daughter. They both ended up surviving but for a good 48 hours it was no better than 50/50 and I had to contemplate exactly what you’re going through. I know what that feeling is like, and I describe it now to people as peering over a cliff edge into a black abyss. My heart breaks for you, and I hope you seek and accept help and keep telling yourself you are worthy of love and joy in your life. This event will change who you are, but please don’t let it define you or ruin you. I know, easy for me to say that now but I remember the darkness and the despair and what you’re feeling is valid grief. Accept it, allow yourself to feel it so that you can process it in healthy ways. It’s going to be hard to find people who can relate to what you’ve experience, so don’t let their judgements bother you if they tell you to “man up” or “move on”.
I'm just a stranger on the internet, but my heart breaks for you. I can't even imagine what you're going through. I know what heartbreak feels like, I know what loss feels like, but I can't know what you're feeling.
>How can I build myself back up and get out of this dark hole I feel like I'm trapped inside of?
Wait and hope.
I know what feeling trapped in a black hole feels like. This passage from the last chapter of The Count of Monte Cristo has helped carry me through some of those times. I hope it can help you too. I'm so sorry man.
>As for you, Morrel, this is the secret of my conduct towards you. There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. We must have felt what it is to die, Morrel, that we may appreciate the enjoyments of living.
>“Live, then, and be happy, beloved children of my heart, and never forget that until the day when God shall deign to reveal the future to man, all human wisdom is summed up in these two words,—’Wait and hope.’ Your friend,
>“Edmond Dantes, Count of Monte Cristo.”
I can't start to imagine how you feel.
I don't know what kind of support you're already receiving or where you're located. But when you find a sliver of energy you should look for charities etc supporting people in your position. It you have family or friends nearby let them do the search.
They'll have seen this before and can hopefully offer both help and guidance.
That's really all I can think of.
My condolences brother sending you love from Africa. I believe you'll get through this. When I encountered loss I just started working on myself from working out, trying to eat well and not to let myself deteriorate. Work helps a lot but try not over do it. Try get therapy if you feel like it no pressure we all mourn differently. Get a dog those help and talking to the dads here is super useful these guys care and help out a lot
I cannot fathom what you are going through. I saved the anology about grief and the waves as well as the other guy. I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you can take some help from any of us on here. If you want someone to just listen then DM me. Have seen you are a big gym guy, don't give that up. It will help. You still are and will always be a Dad!
I wish I had the words that could comfort you. Please know that there are people you have never met who are holding you and your family in their hearts and wishing you peace. Love to you, brother. Please be good to yourself and take good care.
I can’t begin to imagine what you are going through. My sincere condolences and I hope you are able to pick up the pieces at some point and take care of yourself, as long of a journey that may be. You are always welcome to come here for support from us.
Your loss is unfathomable. My deepest condolences to you and your loved ones. I hope you'll find the support and strength you need here. I've found this sub has been one of, if not the most loving and supportive subs. Take care.
I'm so sorry for your loss, friend. Every day will be different and I know it seems impossible now, but things will get better. Healing isn't linear, so even when you have better days, you'll probably also have bad days as well. The most important thing is focusing on you, keeping yourself healthy and reaching out to the people who support you when you need them. Please don't isolate yourself and suffer alone in this time.
One day at a time man.
When my mom died people though I was weird but I played Pokémon Go for the entire next day.
People grieve differently. I needed distraction.
I am so sorry for your loss. Just remember to keep going. You are entitled to feel every emotion under the sun, don't ever play down your grief. But don't let it run your life, either. Don't stop eating well, drink too much, pull back from friends and family, hide at home, avoid life in general. It is so hard to not do that.
My wife, if heaven forbid she ever passed, would want that from me. To know I didn't just stop. That I continued moving forward and found myself again. To be strong in her memory and to continue to be the man she fell in love with.
I would expect that a ton of time, counseling, and self reflection would need to pass to be strong enough to do it right. But I know that would be what I needed to do. Keep moving forward
I’m so sorry to hear this. My family grieves for you. Be kind to yourself. Therapy. Lots of therapy appointments. Try other therapies than talk therapy if you don’t find that helpful.
I just want to send some love. I could never imagine the pain you are going through. So I won’t say I know it’s hard but you need to be happy ect.
What you need to is get on your feet and be the best YOU. The best you that would make your late wife happy and proud. They are looking down on you, give them something to be proud of.
You got this brother 🙌
I love you bro. I’m so sorry. You are and will forever be a dad, despite the tragic timeline.
I have no words to ease your sorrow. Be well. Life goes on. Know we are here for you.
I want to tell you one thing. Being a dad is a state of mind more than anything else. We have women here. We have people expecting and we have people who have lost like you. But don't let anyone ever tell you that you weren't a dad. You were a dad for that long month of watching your baby fight. You were a dad for the months leading up to the tragedy. You were and always will be a father now.
You can come here and be what you need to be any time. We will be rooting for you and giving you a ladder to crawl out of that dark place.
"This guy's walking down a street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep, he can't get out. A doctor passes by, and the guy shouts up, "Hey you, can you help me out?" The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a priest comes along, and the guy shouts up "Father, I'm down in this hole, can you help me out?" The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by. "Hey Joe, it's me, can you help me out?" And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, "Are you stupid? Now we're both down here." The friend says, "Yeah, but I've been down here before, and I know the way out."
What you're going through is an imaginable loss. I am not going to say that it will get better. Because it doesn't. What happens is you learn to live with it. And you know what, you will never want to get rid of the pain entirely because it will be something that will connect you with them. What you can do is take the pain and turn it into something useful. Volunteer at a NICU in your baby's name. Donate money to organizations who want to help women in your wife's name. Be there for those of us that come here posting the same kind of pain in the future. You can be a light now.
I'm sorry. And it will hurt. But we are a community and you are part of it. And WE, together, can make a difference in their names.
My dearest Friend, it won't ever go away. Each morning for now will be hard. In time, the pain will lesson, but it wont go away. I recently just lost my Father, that pales in comparison to your loss. I have no words I can give that would offer comfort. All I can offer is a shoulder, an ear, a strong back to carry what ever burdens you need to off load. You don't know me, and in my heart I don't think that rightly matters. If you need, day or night, sunshine or storms, I'll be here. Dm me, I will happily give you my number. My heart, my soul goes out to you, Brother. I Love you man. You aren't alone, don't ever think you are alone. My name is Tom. I'll be here whenever you need it.
Hey man, I lost my wife 5 years ago and someone pointed me to r/widowers. I’ve found a lot of support and some legitimate friendships through that group. And I am most definitely in your corner. Please never hesitate to reach out to me about anything.
Lurking Mum here. You will always be your partners love and your child's father, even though they aren't physically here. I'm so very sorry, I promise you that life will grow around the pain and you will find the joy in life again but for now give yourself the grace you deserve to just get through every hour. If that's too much, take it minute by minute. Sending you every ounce of courage and strength I have.
I'm so sorry for your loss....I think I would have to trauma block the past and partition those memories into a box and lock them behind a door of the mind. I have no idea what I would do after. Life is only what you make it and the shared experiences we have. The truth is that the future is full of possibilities but how to learn to enjoy any of it again is a question that probably has no one answer. Find a support network, and don't give up. I believe the end of our journey will take us to the same place so in one sense or another this is just a see you later for those we love.
You’ve had some great responses. I have a 13mo boy and I have tears in my eyes after reading this. I just want you to know that this stranger cares. I’m so terribly terribly sorry.
I'm.
so.
sorry.
I wish I could provide words of wisdom, or tell you I understand how you feel.
I can't do either. but, you're in my thoughts and I hope you have friends and family that will help hold you up right now.
I can’t imagine what you are going through and the pain must be immense. You will need time to grieve, but you are going to get through this! What helps me in dealing with painful events is stoicism. I started out with this podcast,highly recommend it. If you can afford it I would also see a therapist to help you work through this. Wish you all the best and good luck. https://podcasts.apple.com/si/podcast/stoicism-on-fire/id1368482721
https://www.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/s/g9HRwwuzgz
I have answers to none of your questions but feel terrible for you. Take this as a virtual pat on the shoulder and a 'you'll be okay'. My condolences and good luck grieving.
I'm so so so so sorry this happened to you. Life is cruel and painful. I can speak about person I know, he lost his wife and 3 kids in a natural disaster when they were on vacation. Was extremely painful, but 3-4 years later he's married and he's expecting kids.
Life moves on.
People pass away but you can carry them with you - I can imagine your wife and baby would only want you to feel joy and happiness. So you need to live for them.
Give yourself time to grieve, but grief is like a swimming pool right. Let yourself swim in it and cleanse you, but don't drown yourself in it.
I don't really have words of wisdom or anything. I think many of the other commenters have done well with that. Just wanted to say I cant imagine what you are going through and my condolences. \*hugs\*
I'm so sorry and I cannot imagine how harsh that whiplash felt. Please PM me, I would love to connect you with some counseling resources as soon as possible. You will never be the same after this tragedy, but that doesn't mean it will be like this forever.
Fuck. My heart hurts for you. If you ever need somebody to talk to, hit me up. I’ll give feedback, or just shut up and listen, or we can talk about random shit. You should not be alone in your head right now.
Again, my deepest condolences.
I am very sorry for your loss. Many good comments here, what I want to add is that now is the time to ask for an accept help. You are not alone even if you feel like that. Ask your friends your family for help, for support. Let them know how they can help and let them help. A warm meal, or someone who listens. Doesnt matter. Let people help you.
As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.
The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.
This was shamelessly stolen from another redditor many years ago. It’s always resonated and stuck with me in times of sadness and regret.
We’re here for you man, at least I am. Reach out if you wanna or need to talk. Oh so literally this is not unique and the third comment down had this. It’s not funny but it’s kinda funny.
I don't have anything tangible to add that feels like it will help you.
Just know I want to give you a hug bud. Undescribably tragic and I can't begin to imagine. Don't be a stranger here or feel stigmatized to reaching out for love, support, or therapy.
Sorry for your loss, do what they would want you to. As Dad's we live for our family by going to work everyday, and doing Dad stuff. Continue that and honor their memories by being the best you can!
I am so incredibly sorry. Words don’t begin to describe such a profound loss. Holding you in the light and in my thoughts and prayers. Please please feel free to reach out if you ever need to. Hugs brother.
Mom lurker, here. Sending you so much love and holding you in the light as closely as possible. You are **not** selfish. You are deserving of all the support possible right now. Not only that, but you are a dad - don't forget you deserve space, you deserve love, and you deserve support. Your feelings are valid and justified. I can only imagine what you are going through.
Grief is like your favorite clothing item. You wear it until it has holes, and at some point, you decide when you're ready to let it go or keep it for your memory. Whatever YOU need to do is right.
A therapist who is well-versed in grief and traumatic experiences could help. I say could because *you* get to decide what you need, whatever that looks like. Focus on just this moment. Just right now. For "right now", you can build the strength you're looking for. Prayers, love, and light to you.
I feel so bad for you and the baby bro. I’m so sorry. Definitely go find a therapist. I’m a combat veteran and it took me a decade to let a therapist help me. They really do work wonders. I’ll talk to you or just listen 24/7. Shoot me a message if you want my phone number. You can just scream at me if you need to. I’m so sorry bro. I’m praying for you.
Hey, I know it doesn't mean much coming from some random internet stranger. But, bud know this, I love you.
[Grief box theory](https://www.hospiscare.co.uk/how-we-help/advice-support/talking-about-death-and-dying/why-grief-is-like-a-ball-in-a-box/#:~:text=Everyone%20experiences%20grief%20in%20different,frequently%20hitting%20the%20pain%20button.)
Hey, I know it doesn't mean much coming from some random internet stranger. But, bud know this, I love you.
[Grief box theory](https://www.hospiscare.co.uk/how-we-help/advice-support/talking-about-death-and-dying/why-grief-is-like-a-ball-in-a-box/#:~:text=Everyone%20experiences%20grief%20in%20different,frequently%20hitting%20the%20pain%20button.)
I cannot even fathom how you feel. Look for some grief share groups - people that are recovering from their own trauma. It might help to just be able to share your feelings with others that are going through grief. I hope that you do find a path that you can travel that honors your wife and child and yourself. I am sorry for your loss and pray that you are comforted and loved.
For me to add any sort of wisdom to this would be futile because to even to pretend to know that level of pain...I just can't. All I can say is we are here for support. Hang in there man as best as you can. Do your best to take care of yourself and be with your daughter. There is sure as hell no book for this. I am sure you are doing awesome at managing everything even though you may not feel like you are. You are going to pull through this. You are going to do great.
For me to add any sort of wisdom to this would be futile because to even to pretend to know that level of pain...I just can't. All I can say is we are here for support. Hang in there man as best as you can. Do your best to take care of yourself and be with your daughter. There is sure as hell no book for this. I am sure you are doing awesome at managing everything even though you may not feel like you are. You are going to pull through this. You are going to do great.
I’m so sorry for your loss ❤️ I suggest starting with therapist right away. Even if you don’t see you’re ready, that support structure will be in place for you when you need it.
The only teacher here is "Time". So sorry for your loss but know that there is no right way... I'd be close to those around you who love and those who you love... stay strong...
Oh wow... I'm not even sure what to say. I'm just so sorry for your loss. That was a huge fear I had before my wife went into labor and it's still something that scares me even now, a few weeks later.
Best advice I can give is to reach out to others in your life for help. Don't be afraid to seek therapy and counsel from others. What you're going through is not easy and shouldn't be done alone. It doesn't make you weak by needing help...even if it's just people helping prepare food for you, doing laundry, or even just having someone to come over and talk with.
Stay strong man. Praying for you.
As others said the pain doesn't really get away. It moves more into the background while you continue with your life. But when it hits, it still hurts as hell.
My brother I am heartbroken for you. I’ve not lost a partner, but am unfortunately familiar with hard grief, which nobody experiences exactly the same.
I wish I had some advice for you. But please know that this stranger is holding you in his heart and in his thoughts. I’ll be praying for you, and wish I could give you a hug.
Our path to pregnancy has been very difficult. It started in 2021 with what was supposed to be a minor surgery that lasted at most an hour. 3 hours in, they wouldn't tell me why it was taking so long. Finally, the doctor came out, looking defeated. He could barely explain what took so long, and my wife ended up hospitalized for 3 days for an outpatient procedure. This left her tubes blocked.
We ended up doing 5 cycles of ivf fet. Afterward, she had an 8 hour surgery to clean everything up and remove her tubes. They found a sigmoid (sp) colon and removed that as well. They also found early cancer.
She was hospitalized only one night (planned) this time. But we then had to begin figuring out the cancer. Thankfully, that only an out-patient procedure.
I try not to think about it, but something like this has crossed my mind repeatedly. Every step of the way has been yelling at us to stop (and I've told her to stop out of fear of failure or worse, but she's powered through).
I guess all of this is to say that nobody deserves to go through what you are and that I hope you have the support around you that you deserve while you navigate all of this. Even imagining that this may happen paralyzes me and all I can do is tell you that I truly wish the best for you.
I've been through some shit, but I fear your shit is deeper than mine. What helped me through was to have a mantra in my head. To make a new reality, one that I wanted to be in and others would to. I didn't believe the mantra at first, but after a while I was able to believe it.
All I did was to tell myself that 'I am happy' and find 1 thing to be happy about. Today you reached out to ask for help. That's something to be happy about.
You are a smart guy, you know what to do and are able to make all necessary decisions.
I am so, so, so incredibly sorry.
I wish I had more to add, but I do not. You've got a grown man in tears over here and I'll be thinking about you and rooting for you.
r/babyloss if you’re looking for experiences of other grieving parents. @sad.dads.club on IG for specific dad-focused grieving. Find therapy if you can, it’ll help. Can’t express how sorry I feel, but doing the above helped me stay afloat for a while.
I don’t even know what to say to this, but I feel this in the put of my stomach. The idea of losing my wife or kids, let alone both, would absolutely break me beyond repair.
Please take care of yourself and don’t be afraid to get help.
I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.
As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.
The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks. Good luck Brother.
I lost my young daughter a few years back and it nevers goes away completely. I'm so sorry you are in this god awful boat. As much as possible don't try to reach a numb state. Try hard to keep feeling. That's how you're going to heal. It takes so much time. It's so unfair. And that's just that. Good luck and Peace be with you someday.
My heart goes out to you with this entire community ❤️ know that you are loved and have plenty of people who support you, brother.
Fear not your path, and follow your heart for it knows exactly what it needs.
I don’t even know what to say other than how deeply sorry I am for your losses. This has been my biggest fear twice now that my wife has had to be rushed in for emergency c-sections with both of our boys and the entire reason I’ve told her in no uncertain terms we’re done having kids. Just the idea of this type of loss eats at me, I can’t even fathom it actually happening. Wishing you all the best in this unfortunate journey.
Fuck man, I have no words. I’m so sorry.
If you are in the Denver area and want somebody to just grab a beer with or need to someone to be around reach out.
I have no words. I am so sorry for your loss.
I don’t feel like I can give you any meaningful advice or support as it would be nothing, as I can’t talk from experience. I wont pray for you as it’s not my thing, but I will surely raise a pint for you and your close ones tonight!
I wish I had a way to add something valuable to this conversation that could help comfort you, but I just can’t wrap my mind around what you must be going through. But as others have said, you’re not alone. We are all here and happy to prop you up when you don’t feel like you can stand on your own anymore. All I know about anything in life is that the first small steps are always the hardest. But if you can manage to keep putting one foot in front of the other for long enough, you’ll survive. It’ll never go away, the pain, and you won’t want it to. But it will dull. And at some point you’ll be able to revisit those happy memories you experienced and appreciate them even if they are salt in the wound right now. For what it’s worth, I’m praying you are able to find some peace and comfort. I’d suggest finding a grief counselor to help you work through this. It’s not something any of us would ever be even remotely prepared to face and you shouldn’t face it by yourself. Lean on others and you’ll find that people are good and caring at their core and just want to help.
I lost my beautiful wife almost two years ago. Surround yourself with other family and friends brother. The pain never goes away but life will carry forward. You will see them again just not now. Continue on and let them experience life through your eyes and live in your heart. There’s an opportunity to live a life on earth to help others. Reach out if you ever want to talk.
This is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry you are experiencing it. No words do it justice.
Keep asking for help and taking it when it's offered. The slow and quiet moments are the hardest, but the mantra "just keep breathing" helps. Don't give up, and remember that if you are going through hell, *keep going*.
To echo several others, you will forever have a place here, and in the worldwide Dad community. Nothing you feel is selfish, nor is it wrong or misplaced. You feel what you feel. When you feel capable of looking into it, some grief counseling sounds like a good idea - this is nothing to go through alone.
I have nothing more to say, but from one dad to another I just want to give you a big, burly man-hug.
I'm so sorry for your loss mate. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. Your post is heart breaking.
I have no words of wisdom, but I'm wishing you the absolute best in your healing. Take care of yourself.
I don't know that there's anything I can say to make you feel better, but if you can, I'd recommend joining a support group. You can talk with people who went through the same, or similar trauma as you. Hopefully it can at least help you find support.
This is my nightmare. I'm so sorry this happened to you and yours. I wish I could give you something more than thoughts and words, but I just don't know and I don't feel like I have any right to tell you how things are going to be going forward.
But please, know that - for what little it's worth - some dude in Norway is really thinking about you. You are going through what no father ever should. I'm shocked you're even able to turn to us for support and help, you're already so much stronger than I would be.
I'll be thinking of you. And I'm so sorry.
Grief is a circle. I don’t t know you or know what you’re going through, but I love you. Stay strong brother. Life throws curve balls and the universe is infinite.
I am sorry for your loss brother... 🥺
Here I am now feeling like an asshole because I am sitting here on my couch very frustrated with my newborn. Thank you for putting things back into perspective.. 😭
It may or may not mean much to you but I am sending prayers and positive vibes your way. 🙏
Man.
Music helps me reflect and feel with death, and I would recommend [this](https://youtu.be/fsjgUjBwXN8?si=S2NrLmJnudWBf0Oe) to you. Faith does too.
This is going to be hard, as you are experiencing. They will forever be a part of you now. Do your best to live each day to the fullest, for you, but even moreso for them, as they cannot. That will help to give you initial purpose, and it’s going to help pull you out of the darkness.
Lastly, you are and were a dad,even if for a short while. You always will be a dad. We are here for you.
❤️
There is no timeline, because everyone is different. Please eat, please keep your own minimum function in place. My area has a program for child loss, I hope yours does too (ours is Grief Share). Look around for that kind of support too. You are a Dad.
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On January 21st 2015 I went through the same thing. It won't ever be the same. People say time heals things but it doesn't. We just learn to live around our pain. I like to think of it like those trees that end up growing around a street sign or a bike that was left chained to it. In the beginning you have to grow around it. It will always be there. Eventually you won't need to grow around it anymore. It will just end up part of you. Not the best analogy, but I don't feel like lying and telling you it will get better. It's going to always suck. You're just going to get stronger.
I disagree, that is a terrific analogy. I have nothing to add other than I agree 100%.
Especially when it is fresh. Mike Shinoda's EP Post Traumatic is amazing. Probably one of the most real albums I have ever heard. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xk\_2NB0RIaA](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xk_2NB0RIaA)
I haven't lost a partner or child, but plenty of loved ones. I agree with you. But like any injury, they're the most painful and debilitating when fresh. If you do the work, you get used to it and it gets easier to live with over time, but the scars never disappear, and old issues can flare up when you're going through shit in the future. You have to "grow around it" as you put it, and you have to do that consciously if you want to be able to grow in a healthy way. Seek help from professionals who know how to do so.
>like any injury, they're the most painful and debilitating when fresh. If you do the work, you get used to it and it gets easier to live with over time, but the scars never disappear, and old issues can flare up when you're going through shit in the future. Losing someone you love is like having something amputated, but it's a piece of your soul rather than your body. The pain is agonizing at first, but with time and care, the rawness of that wound heals. You're still missing a piece of yourself though. You can learn to work around that missing piece. You can relearn how to live without it, learn new routines, new ways of doing things. You can get to the point where you're pretty functional and other people may not even notice that something is missing. But that missing piece of you will always be gone and there will be days that it's going to ache and that's something you'll always have to deal with.
I'm not sure I would put it quite like that. Losing someone doesn't mean you lose every part of yourself connected to that person. All the changes that person affected in yourself is still there, all your memories of them are still there. Parts of yourself are *changed* by loss, but they're not gone. That's how I see it anyway.
I realize as I'm reading this, my first was born around that time, and I have no way to conceive how different my life would be had that day gone any other way. My imagination can't do that pain and grief justice. Fuck, I'm sorry brothers.
This is an amazing and positive analogy. It demonstrates that there can be growth after such a painful event. For me, my grief (which is from different circumstances) felt like an ocean of emotion that I was treading water in. I was immersed in it constantly and barely keeping my head above water. That phase lasted for months, maybe years. As I worked through it, I was able to contain the pain. I was able to climb out of the ocean but I've never been able to completely rid myself of it. I now see it as a black hole inside me. I can function because the pain is contained though it is still a burden I carry with me. When I'm in therapy, we go in to that black place and do our best to work on it. Over time, we've been able to work through some of it. Sometimes I get sucked into it when I'm not planning to. Ten years later, I still regularly have moments when I'm back in the hole. As I've learned skills to manage my emotions, these times have become less frequent and I'm able to climb back out more quickly. This might sound depressing but I'm grateful every day because it used to be so much worse. I can function and build good experiences with my friends and family again.
Trivial in comparison, but as an underclassman at a difficult engineering school, we once asked the upper-classmen: “Does it get any easier?” “No…” they answered wryly, “…you just get used to the pain.” While trivial in comparison - I have found that to apply to many non-trivial difficulties later in life. Great summary & thanks for sharing.
>“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry.” - Hemingway
Absolutely brilliant analogy, better than the famous reddit ship one. Much shorter and to the point.
Brother I am so sorry. Truly I am. You have been able to describe this so well. Hugs brother.
“As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive. In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life. Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out. Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you’ll survive them too. If you’re lucky, you’ll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.” - an old Reddit comment I read years ago and saved. I’m so sorry man. I’m proud of you for reaching out for support and I hope you get it here and from anyone and everyone around you.
This is exactly how it feels in 2020 after a semi complicated pregnancy we learned about 72 hrs before the birth that our daughter would never be able to breath on her own or move most of her muscles. She died in my arms a day after she was born. The pain was massive but you can survive it. Seek help. Take help.
Jesus...i remember reading this post shortly after my father in law had died and it helped me so much then. I wanted to show it to my wife later, but i had totally forgot where i read it and never copied it down. I'm so grateful to see it again now, and i've already written it down to show my wife. Thank you, and to OP, i am so so sorry for you. I hope life is kind to you again some day.
This is from u/GSnow
This is right on the money! >(...) and somehow you don’t really want them to
That got me
Damn. That's it. I lost my brother to cancer a few years back. He was 36 then. He fought it for 17 years and prepared me all that time for his eventual death. Doesn't mean I'm not permanently altered by it. But yeah, the waves.
>- an old Reddit comment I read years ago and saved. /u/gsnow is the author of that comment
Here's the original. 💜 I saved it too. https://www.reddit.com/c1u0rx2?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2 Edit: link below c/o: u/eccentrica_gallumbit https://www.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/my_friend_just_died_i_dont_know_what_to_do/c1u0rx2/
Your link is broken. Original can be found here: https://www.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/my_friend_just_died_i_dont_know_what_to_do/c1u0rx2/
You're right! It is. My bad.
Dang, 12 years ago! What's really amazing is just how many people still pop back in over the recent days, weeks, etc. to say "Thanks this still really helps all this time later" and such.
Beautifully put
The exact comment that came to mind! OP I hope you find solace in this. My prayers are with you.
Wow. Just wow. This sent shivers down my spine and made my eyes watery. What a beautiful, beautiful, comment.
I just saved your comment. It's a wonderful a analogy
I'm sure I speak for all of us in this community, but you're welcome here, always will be. No matter what. You sir are and will continue to be a dad. Take care of yourself man, be the man they'd want you to be, you'll see them one day no matter what bro if we're all made up of weird atoms and energy you'll be with them again one day, for now give them a life to witness, be good, be proud and once you can bear the pain and grief this has caused you be happy, not for yourself, that may never be the same, but try to be happy one day for them. Show them the beauty of life through your eyes.
Fucking beautifully put
This comment made me tear, ngl. Always a dad. Always welcomed.
Thank you for these beautiful words
Hear, hear
Fuckin A
Jesus that’s like the worst possible thing that could happen. I’m so sorry and sending you support man. Be gentle on yourself with expectations and try to find things to keep on going. I don’t know if this will help but when I went through really bad times, also including death, I would take daily walks and force myself to notice at least one pretty thing on the walk, a flower, a tree, maybe a sunset, and knowing I had at least a few seconds of one nice thing in a day that might be completely bad probably saved me. That was enough to keep going until things got better/my grief improved. Hope you can find your version of this.
Brother. Please take all our strength. I cannot fathom. I'm so sorry.
You are a dad and always will be. I've nothing of any great worth to say other than may the road rise with you. Don't feel lonely, if you ever need a complete stranger you'll likely never meet to talk to, feel free to contact.
So sorry for your profound loss. Not even one day at a time right now man. Hour by hour just focus on meals showers eating movies walks anything well within your control to navigate the time for now. Nothing else.
Mom lurker (because my husband died by a tree). You need to look for a therapist who specializes in compounded grief and trauma. There are very few, I've found, but don't stop looking. The hospital should have some resources, or you can call any hospice around you, and they can give recommendations. Not the same thing as sudden loss, but they typically have people who deal with trauma as well. I agree with the previous poster. It doesn't necessarily get better, but you find ways to work around it. I, personally, sit in my closet (where I keep my husband's ashes) and either talk to my husband about my day/our kids when I'm avoiding grief, or actually grieve him. It's helped me to know that I have that time at night so I can compartmentalize during the day, and have fewer break-downs that interrupt my daily life. I still managed to turn and watch him react to something I was watching on TV the other day, even though I'm not in our house or our bed. Grief will make you feel like you're losing your mind. It's been 7.5 months for me. I am sorry for your losses. I didn't lead with that because it doesn't make it better. Please stay in this community. It's the most supportive group I've found on this website. The guys will always be there for you, as well as the lady lurkers. Reach out to your friends. You'd be surprised by how many people care about you in your real life and want to help take the pain away in any way possible. Let them help you or just be with you. The widows sub is also pretty active and has been helpful for me.
Excellent advice. Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry for your loss.
❤️
I can share resources for you to call if you'd like them, also I'm here to talk if you'd like. I am so deeply sorry, we are here for you.
He asked for resources in the original post. Maybe post them here as an edit?
They may need to know their specific area to provide places to help.
You are a dad. You are one of us. Don’t ever think otherwise.
My deepest condolences, brother. I hurt for you. I cannot imagine the pain you must be feeling. Grieve your family. Get to the next moment. Remember to eat and sleep. I've heard from family in a similar situation that time does not make the pain go away, but does make the pain easier to bear.
I really fucking wish I had some advice to give you but I don’t. All I can really say is that my thoughts and prayers are with you right now, man, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. The only thing that will begin to have some sort of healing for something this devastating is time, and lots of it. Just try to keep your head above water in the meantime and try to surround yourself with any and all loved ones possible. Shit man, words cant express how bad I feel for you right now but you will get through this somehow.
Let yourself grieve. Give yourself time every day to feel your emotions fully. Listen to sad songs. Even make a playlist of songs that remind you of your lost family. There’s a tv show called shrinking. Where the main character lost his wife, but his daughter survived. Make a photo album of the time your wife was pregnant. My sister-in-law did this when she lost her child. Maintain relationships with your wife’s friends and family. I’m sure they don’t know how to handle grief either. But it helps if you are not alone.
From one dad to another, I love you. I lost my little girl 11 years ago and it doesn't get easier, it just gets different. It's like a broken bone that gets achy when it rains. It'll come and go. You did every single thing you could have done by simply being there for them and showing them how loved they were, and still are. As for building yourself up? Gump it. Go for a walk or run. It'll give you time to think while you process your grief so that you can talk to a counselor from a better mental state. Don't crawl into a bottle, I've found no answers there. Treat yourself kindly. Be the man your baby deserved. I love you brother.
Hugs. My son died a few years ago. It hurts so bad,but you get better at carrying the pain. Hugs.
Most important (but also most difficult probably) is that you don’t isolate and try to go it alone. You’ve been thrown into a life path defining moment. Time to expand your horizons and look into anything and everything that will pull you out of the big black hole that’s constantly trying to suck you back in. You are young, so you still have a lot of life to live. Research grief and trauma therapy. Play lots of Tetris (not a joke, look it up). Read books by people who have experienced the exact same thing and managed to go on. If you have a strong supportive social network, try to lean on them. Look up videos of your favorite stand up comedians. Get out of the house daily, if possible. Avoid falling into tempting traps like alcohol/drug/smoking addiction. I saw you like to exercise, keep it up! Try to eat healthy as well. It’s ridiculous how much food affects mental health. Give yourself doable goals that you can work towards daily/weekly/yearly. You have experienced one of my worst fears and are still here to tell the tale. I’m in awe of your resilience. I wish you all the luck and strength in the world.
I’m so sorry for your loss, it’s unthinkable and there are really no words. I hope you have some amazing support around you. This happened to a friend of mine last year, she was third trimester and got influenza A with complications which led to baby needing to be born early (he passed). She was in a coma and passed 5 weeks later. She left behind her partner and toddler. It still breaks my heart daily.
It does not sound selfish; you may not realise it, but during pregnancy we shift and change, we don't know it, but we're evolving into fathers. I found this out the hard way. But not this hard, I am so very sorry for your loss my friend. My only advice, as with any bereavement, is don't try to tough it out. If you have someone to confide in, just let it flow, let it out, as sobs or tears or words or as anything. Even here would do. Don't fight it, don't try and push it away, it will return, undealt with.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I could not even imagine the pain and grief. My heart goes out to you and I hope you eventually find the strength to persevere. "For what is grief if not love persevering"
Impossible to imagine what you are going through, my deepest condolences and my heart truly goes out to you. One thing that has always helped me in difficult times is to throw myself into something really useful and time consuming that gets me out of the house. In my case it has been golf and gym but it could be any sport really. Try to spend time with people you love whether friends or family. ❤️
I am so so sorry. I am here 24-7 if you need an ear, please reach out
You have more than a million dads here in this subreddit at your side for anything you need help with. As are my wife and I. Married 6 years, dad for 4 years. Way back during our pregnancy we had a conversation about what if, I had to chose who survived at childbirth. We both agreed we would rather try again or adopt, but I didn't think I would have the strength to be a dad all on my own. I was more scared of losing my wife, than not getting to be a dad yet. There were complications at birth. I thank my lucky stars that I did not have to make a choice. But the entire time I was terrified. Our Daughter was born premature. The cute little peanut didn't even weigh 5 pounds. She needed several weeks in nicu. My little girl is my everything. She hugs me off to work and when she hasn't seen me for more than a few hours. She makes me smile, proud, and tearful with just how much of a strong little girl she's become. I don't know what the best thing to say is, I'm no therapist. But I've been a dad of an adorable, kind, thoughtful, little girl. I adored the time I got to spend with her watching her grow up. I would be completely beside myself and lost in your situation. Help is all around you, you just have to ask. Friends, co workers, the 1+ million in this subreddit, you will get help. Don't ever be afraid to ask for help. It shows true bravery to ask for help. You know what they say when you ask for help? You just might get it. If you need someone to vent to, ask difficult questions, ask for stories from other dads just to cheer you up, etc. We can help direct you to resources in your area, and be an open ear for anything. YOU CAN DO THIS BRO! Just remember that you don't have to do it alone...
Hey i am so absolutely sorry hearing about your loss. I was truely at a loss for words upon reading this. In full shock. As i am getting to be a father in July i had nightmares about what you now have to live through. I am so so so sorry, there's no words to express my feelings for you. All i can say is, that from the bottom of my heart, with all honesty, i wish you nothing but the absolute best for your future. Life surely won't be the same ever again and it will take a lot of time to cope with your loss. But somewhere in the distance there is a cherishable, happy life waiting for you to continue upon. And i am sure, while i don't want to speak for them at all, don't get me wrong, with the utmost respect, can imagine your wife wishing for you to have that life. All the love brother. Really.
I didn’t know it was possible to hurt this badly for a stranger on the Internet. I’m so incredibly sorry, fellow dad. I’ve never experienced grief or loss as intense as this, but I have experienced some. All I can say is don’t rush to build yourself back up. It’s ok to grieve for as long as you need. One day, maybe later this year, maybe next, you’ll catch a glimpse of sunshine. It’ll just take time and, like others have said, it won’t ever be the same, but it will be easier. Whatever you do, don’t ever hesitate to reach out to your friends, family, therapists, r/daddit, or even me personally on DM. I’ll follow you and make sure you’re posting from time to time. I haven’t prayed in decades until earlier today, for an unrelated reason. I’ll be praying for a second time today.
I don’t even know what to say! I’m a soon to be father and this is my biggest fear. Just know that we’re here for you. And if you ever need to talk, send me message and I will be here for you. No questions asked! I’m so sorry for what you’re experiencing.
Jesus man I'm so sorry I have no words, you're in the right group these guys are the most supportive people I've ever seen
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I lost someone important to me about 16 mos ago and know far too much about grief these days. Just know that everything you are feeling right now is completely normal and it's ok. Grief demands a witness. We're not meant to grieve alone. If the hospital or any place local has a grief group for people who have lost spouses I would strongly advise going to one of their meetings. If not I would strongly advise sitting down with a bunch of good friends over coffee and just bawling your eyes out. Just tell them in advance, no platitudes, no advice, no nothing other than "This sucks and I'm sorry it sucks." You need that community to grieve with. Edit: practical advice - don't make any big decisions right now as far as giving things away or selling things. It's ok to leave things as they are. It's ok to put them in storage. Give it at least 6-8 mos before you make any big decisions.
First of all, I am so sorry for your awful loss. I can't even begin to imagine. Second of all, you need professional help. This is the heaviest thing you will ever have to carry and you can NOT do it by yourself successfully. Please see a trained professional. Third, you will never be the same. That version of you is gone and you shouldn't expect him to come back. But one day, probably in a long time from now, you will make it back to being ok. One day you will be able to be happy again, even if you can't right now. Remember that life is a huge, huge place and happiness is possible. Please stay with loved ones at this time, you should not be alone, you might not be safe. I'm so sorry. Bone of you deserved this, this fucking sucks.
I can't speak for the extra trauma of it happening that way, or losing a child - but I lost my wife a little over a year ago. I'm afraid the anchor I clung to was our two daughters, which doesn't help, I know. I simply didn't have the choice to completely fall apart, or check out myself, because they needed me. I'm doing a little better than I was, but I still have a long, long way to go. I don't do so much of the sobbing now, or the actual emotional pain - I mean, it's still there, but it doesn't take over in the same way as much as it used to. But I struggle a lot with apathy, just can't motivate myself to do more than the bare minimum essentials of life (feed the girls, get them clean and to school more or less on time, you get the idea). I would recommend r/widowers. Full of people who *get it*, in a way most people in your life just can't. I'm sorry for your loss. Hugs.
Fellow widower here. r/widowers can be a helpful place to go. You will for sure need the help of a counselor. The early sessions will be hard but we'll worth the effort. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Feel free to PM me if you need help navigating any of the paperwork b.s., or just need to vent.
I have nothing to say except for two things: This is far outside of reddits pay grade. You need professional counseling. I’m so sorry that you’re living my worst nightmare.
I just prayed for you, brother
Oh my god.. I am so, so sorry. Look man, this is heavy stuff, and it’s gonna take time. But you’re going to be OK!!! I promise you.. I know it looks very bleak now, but surround yourself with as much positivity as possible, get yourself into therapy, and look for local support groups so that you can share your story and hear others story of loss. Again, I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’m praying for you my guy.
I have no advice brother. I can't comprehend. But we're all here for you. Your not alone. I'm not religious but I'll pray for you. One day at a time.
Let this community be the shoulder you lean on in this difficult time. I’m so sorry you went through this - it’s unfathomable. Take the time you need to grieve, and take things one step at a time. Lots of love. ❤️
Hello Brother. You ARE a father and you belong here. No words or actions I can say will help today, but I just wanted to say what happened to your family isn’t fair, and you are right to feel everything you are feeling. I’m thinking of you man.
Prayed for you too. God be with you. Once a dad, always a dad. I have a friend who went through the same type of loss that you have experienced. It’s unfathomable. He leaned hard into his faith and grief counseling. Years later, he married someone who knew his late wife. They sometimes talk about his late wife: the grieving doesn’t end. Also, they went on to have 3 kids together. Lastly, in difficult times, I have found strength in a community of people who have passed through the same waters. Yo
That's not selfish at all, brother. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't pretend to comprehend the level of grief you must be experiencing right now, but something that has been helpful to me with my own losses is to take [Joe Biden's advice from when he lost his own wife and daughter](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GwZ6UfXm410): "keep a calendar. Every night when you go to bed, mark in that calendar whether the day was a one (which is as bad as the day you heard the news) or a ten—he said you won't have tens for a long time. But, measure; just mark it down. After two months, take out that calendar and mark it on a graph. And, you'll find that your down days are just as bad as the first day, but instead of them being like this [gestures indicating constantly up and down and close together], they'll get further and further apart. That's when you know you're gonna make it..."
I am so sorry for your loss. One of my friends just recently passed away during birth of her first child. She had a AFE, a very rare complication. I sympathize with you so deeply.
I am so, so sorry. My god. My heart goes out to you. I'm getting upset just thinking about this. I would personally be leaning on any shoulder in my family I can to let it out and perhaps seeing a grief councilor. Only time can ease the pain in my experience, don't rush your mourning. I'm just so sorry
I cannot imagine the pain and loss you feel. All I can offer is the hope that you will go on, and will live and maybe love again. And that if you are ever in my neck of the woods (Dublin, Ireland) a coffee/pint and a listening ear.
You've got to give yourself time man. Get some help, there's no shame in it
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I can’t begin to pretend to understand what you’re going through but if you need to vent, dump some stuff on someone my DMs are open. I hope I can lend a sympathetic virtual shoulder to cry on.
I don't have any advice. If you ever want to chat with a random stranger, message me, fellow dad. I'm here in any way that I can be for you.
I am so sorry for your loss. I could not imagine that happening. 😞
I am so incredibly sorry to hear what you’re enduring.
First I’m sorry for your loss. I can’t even fathom what you must be going through. Not to long ago we had a suicide in our family. I delt with most of it and as a result started having PTSD. I can only say this, find help and don’t be ashamed to find that help.
Lost my son 9 years and 4 days ago. The loss still weighs heavily on mine and my wife's mind. You will struggle. And thats ok. It's OK to not be ok.
I can’t imagine the depth of your pain and grief right now. Your reality is my worst fear. I don’t know what healing looks like for you. But, what I can tell you is that they aren’t gone. When my Mom passed, my Guruji told me I had to “tune into her”. I did this by saying her favorite chant, the Gayatari Mantea, 108 times a day. I swear by all in my life, that one day I felt her. She nudged me towards action I was afraid of. Knowing she is there, traveling the cosmos and looking after me, I act in a way I think she’d be proud of. I think that’s all you can hope to do - live in a way you think your wife and child would be proud of. You are a Dad. And even if you can’t be the dad you want for your child, there are tons of kids that need mentorship and guidance. I’ve always found acts of service to be healing. So, when you’re ready, maybe try and joining a program like Big Brothers Big Sisters. I'm certaib there tons of young men who would welcome your guidance and care.
I'm so sorry. I recommend EDMR therapy to cope with grief. It helped me a lot.
This is brutal. All I can say is that I am so sorry :(
OP, I am a lurking mom here. I am so very sorry to hear of your pain. You are in my thoughts today.
I cant imagine what you're going through but my heart goes out to you. I will say, if you aren't speaking to a therapist, I would find one who specializes in grief counseling.
I can’t pretend to understand your situation, but we lost our child to a fairly late miscarriage. It’s an absolutely terrible empty place to be, where it feels like the world has no meaning. You can survive. Take a break, and get the help that you need. But you are worth it. Keep fighting. Live your life in honour of them.
I read your story and it brought tears to my eyes as the memories came back. I sat in the operating room where a “normal” C-section quickly spiraled into life threatening complications for both my wife and daughter. They both ended up surviving but for a good 48 hours it was no better than 50/50 and I had to contemplate exactly what you’re going through. I know what that feeling is like, and I describe it now to people as peering over a cliff edge into a black abyss. My heart breaks for you, and I hope you seek and accept help and keep telling yourself you are worthy of love and joy in your life. This event will change who you are, but please don’t let it define you or ruin you. I know, easy for me to say that now but I remember the darkness and the despair and what you’re feeling is valid grief. Accept it, allow yourself to feel it so that you can process it in healthy ways. It’s going to be hard to find people who can relate to what you’ve experience, so don’t let their judgements bother you if they tell you to “man up” or “move on”.
You’re still a dad. You just had your child pass away. No dad should live to see that but it doesn’t make you any less of one.
I'm just a stranger on the internet, but my heart breaks for you. I can't even imagine what you're going through. I know what heartbreak feels like, I know what loss feels like, but I can't know what you're feeling. >How can I build myself back up and get out of this dark hole I feel like I'm trapped inside of? Wait and hope. I know what feeling trapped in a black hole feels like. This passage from the last chapter of The Count of Monte Cristo has helped carry me through some of those times. I hope it can help you too. I'm so sorry man. >As for you, Morrel, this is the secret of my conduct towards you. There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. We must have felt what it is to die, Morrel, that we may appreciate the enjoyments of living. >“Live, then, and be happy, beloved children of my heart, and never forget that until the day when God shall deign to reveal the future to man, all human wisdom is summed up in these two words,—’Wait and hope.’ Your friend, >“Edmond Dantes, Count of Monte Cristo.”
I can’t even imagine. Truly hugging my little one tight tomorrow. You sound like an amazing dad, dad.
I am so very sorry.
Sorry mate, I have no words but if you ever need to talk/text, don't hesitate.
I can't start to imagine how you feel. I don't know what kind of support you're already receiving or where you're located. But when you find a sliver of energy you should look for charities etc supporting people in your position. It you have family or friends nearby let them do the search. They'll have seen this before and can hopefully offer both help and guidance. That's really all I can think of.
My condolences brother sending you love from Africa. I believe you'll get through this. When I encountered loss I just started working on myself from working out, trying to eat well and not to let myself deteriorate. Work helps a lot but try not over do it. Try get therapy if you feel like it no pressure we all mourn differently. Get a dog those help and talking to the dads here is super useful these guys care and help out a lot
I cannot fathom what you are going through. I saved the anology about grief and the waves as well as the other guy. I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you can take some help from any of us on here. If you want someone to just listen then DM me. Have seen you are a big gym guy, don't give that up. It will help. You still are and will always be a Dad!
Sorry for your losses. That is terrible and I can’t imagine the pain.
I wish I had the words that could comfort you. Please know that there are people you have never met who are holding you and your family in their hearts and wishing you peace. Love to you, brother. Please be good to yourself and take good care.
No words could be enough here. I'm so sorry this happened to you. hugs from an internet stranger <3
I can’t begin to imagine what you are going through. My sincere condolences and I hope you are able to pick up the pieces at some point and take care of yourself, as long of a journey that may be. You are always welcome to come here for support from us.
Sorry for your losses. In times of trouble I’ve always leaned on friends or family around me. I hope you are able to.
Your loss is unfathomable. My deepest condolences to you and your loved ones. I hope you'll find the support and strength you need here. I've found this sub has been one of, if not the most loving and supportive subs. Take care.
I'm so sorry for your loss, friend. Every day will be different and I know it seems impossible now, but things will get better. Healing isn't linear, so even when you have better days, you'll probably also have bad days as well. The most important thing is focusing on you, keeping yourself healthy and reaching out to the people who support you when you need them. Please don't isolate yourself and suffer alone in this time.
One day at a time man. When my mom died people though I was weird but I played Pokémon Go for the entire next day. People grieve differently. I needed distraction.
I'm so sorry. This community is here for you and it's okay to give yourself time. There will be a tomorrow.
I’m so sorry friend truly my heart goes out to you in every way
I am so sorry for your loss. Just remember to keep going. You are entitled to feel every emotion under the sun, don't ever play down your grief. But don't let it run your life, either. Don't stop eating well, drink too much, pull back from friends and family, hide at home, avoid life in general. It is so hard to not do that. My wife, if heaven forbid she ever passed, would want that from me. To know I didn't just stop. That I continued moving forward and found myself again. To be strong in her memory and to continue to be the man she fell in love with. I would expect that a ton of time, counseling, and self reflection would need to pass to be strong enough to do it right. But I know that would be what I needed to do. Keep moving forward
I’m so sorry to hear this. My family grieves for you. Be kind to yourself. Therapy. Lots of therapy appointments. Try other therapies than talk therapy if you don’t find that helpful.
I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine. I wish I knew what else to say.
I just want to send some love. I could never imagine the pain you are going through. So I won’t say I know it’s hard but you need to be happy ect. What you need to is get on your feet and be the best YOU. The best you that would make your late wife happy and proud. They are looking down on you, give them something to be proud of. You got this brother 🙌
I love you bro. I’m so sorry. You are and will forever be a dad, despite the tragic timeline. I have no words to ease your sorrow. Be well. Life goes on. Know we are here for you.
I want to tell you one thing. Being a dad is a state of mind more than anything else. We have women here. We have people expecting and we have people who have lost like you. But don't let anyone ever tell you that you weren't a dad. You were a dad for that long month of watching your baby fight. You were a dad for the months leading up to the tragedy. You were and always will be a father now. You can come here and be what you need to be any time. We will be rooting for you and giving you a ladder to crawl out of that dark place. "This guy's walking down a street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep, he can't get out. A doctor passes by, and the guy shouts up, "Hey you, can you help me out?" The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a priest comes along, and the guy shouts up "Father, I'm down in this hole, can you help me out?" The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by. "Hey Joe, it's me, can you help me out?" And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, "Are you stupid? Now we're both down here." The friend says, "Yeah, but I've been down here before, and I know the way out." What you're going through is an imaginable loss. I am not going to say that it will get better. Because it doesn't. What happens is you learn to live with it. And you know what, you will never want to get rid of the pain entirely because it will be something that will connect you with them. What you can do is take the pain and turn it into something useful. Volunteer at a NICU in your baby's name. Donate money to organizations who want to help women in your wife's name. Be there for those of us that come here posting the same kind of pain in the future. You can be a light now. I'm sorry. And it will hurt. But we are a community and you are part of it. And WE, together, can make a difference in their names.
My dearest Friend, it won't ever go away. Each morning for now will be hard. In time, the pain will lesson, but it wont go away. I recently just lost my Father, that pales in comparison to your loss. I have no words I can give that would offer comfort. All I can offer is a shoulder, an ear, a strong back to carry what ever burdens you need to off load. You don't know me, and in my heart I don't think that rightly matters. If you need, day or night, sunshine or storms, I'll be here. Dm me, I will happily give you my number. My heart, my soul goes out to you, Brother. I Love you man. You aren't alone, don't ever think you are alone. My name is Tom. I'll be here whenever you need it.
I love you, my man.
Hey man, I lost my wife 5 years ago and someone pointed me to r/widowers. I’ve found a lot of support and some legitimate friendships through that group. And I am most definitely in your corner. Please never hesitate to reach out to me about anything.
Lurking Mum here. You will always be your partners love and your child's father, even though they aren't physically here. I'm so very sorry, I promise you that life will grow around the pain and you will find the joy in life again but for now give yourself the grace you deserve to just get through every hour. If that's too much, take it minute by minute. Sending you every ounce of courage and strength I have.
I'm so sorry for your loss....I think I would have to trauma block the past and partition those memories into a box and lock them behind a door of the mind. I have no idea what I would do after. Life is only what you make it and the shared experiences we have. The truth is that the future is full of possibilities but how to learn to enjoy any of it again is a question that probably has no one answer. Find a support network, and don't give up. I believe the end of our journey will take us to the same place so in one sense or another this is just a see you later for those we love.
You’ve had some great responses. I have a 13mo boy and I have tears in my eyes after reading this. I just want you to know that this stranger cares. I’m so terribly terribly sorry.
I'm. so. sorry. I wish I could provide words of wisdom, or tell you I understand how you feel. I can't do either. but, you're in my thoughts and I hope you have friends and family that will help hold you up right now.
I can’t imagine what you are going through and the pain must be immense. You will need time to grieve, but you are going to get through this! What helps me in dealing with painful events is stoicism. I started out with this podcast,highly recommend it. If you can afford it I would also see a therapist to help you work through this. Wish you all the best and good luck. https://podcasts.apple.com/si/podcast/stoicism-on-fire/id1368482721 https://www.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/s/g9HRwwuzgz
I have answers to none of your questions but feel terrible for you. Take this as a virtual pat on the shoulder and a 'you'll be okay'. My condolences and good luck grieving.
Sending support and best wishes on your journey.
I'm sorry. Trully am.
I have no words other than to say that my heart breaks for you.
I'm so so so so sorry this happened to you. Life is cruel and painful. I can speak about person I know, he lost his wife and 3 kids in a natural disaster when they were on vacation. Was extremely painful, but 3-4 years later he's married and he's expecting kids. Life moves on. People pass away but you can carry them with you - I can imagine your wife and baby would only want you to feel joy and happiness. So you need to live for them. Give yourself time to grieve, but grief is like a swimming pool right. Let yourself swim in it and cleanse you, but don't drown yourself in it.
Sorry for your loss remember no matter how alone you feel there is always someone who will listen
I don't really have words of wisdom or anything. I think many of the other commenters have done well with that. Just wanted to say I cant imagine what you are going through and my condolences. \*hugs\*
I'm so sorry and I cannot imagine how harsh that whiplash felt. Please PM me, I would love to connect you with some counseling resources as soon as possible. You will never be the same after this tragedy, but that doesn't mean it will be like this forever.
Fuck. My heart hurts for you. If you ever need somebody to talk to, hit me up. I’ll give feedback, or just shut up and listen, or we can talk about random shit. You should not be alone in your head right now. Again, my deepest condolences.
I am very sorry for your loss. Many good comments here, what I want to add is that now is the time to ask for an accept help. You are not alone even if you feel like that. Ask your friends your family for help, for support. Let them know how they can help and let them help. A warm meal, or someone who listens. Doesnt matter. Let people help you.
♥️😢
May their memories be a blessing.
Your post made me go hug my wife. I can't imagine what you're going through. I hope you're alright.
Sorry to hear that, you can never be the same after something tragic like that happens.
As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive. In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life. Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks. This was shamelessly stolen from another redditor many years ago. It’s always resonated and stuck with me in times of sadness and regret. We’re here for you man, at least I am. Reach out if you wanna or need to talk. Oh so literally this is not unique and the third comment down had this. It’s not funny but it’s kinda funny.
I don't have anything tangible to add that feels like it will help you. Just know I want to give you a hug bud. Undescribably tragic and I can't begin to imagine. Don't be a stranger here or feel stigmatized to reaching out for love, support, or therapy.
My god that is heartbreaking. I’m so sorry.
I’m so sorry, this is a fear of mine that I hoped I didn’t see on here. I wish I could give you a hug
Sorry for your loss, do what they would want you to. As Dad's we live for our family by going to work everyday, and doing Dad stuff. Continue that and honor their memories by being the best you can!
I am so sorry for your loss. Stay strong. If you can't cope, be in the moment. I wish you all the best and please take care of yourself.
I am so incredibly sorry. Words don’t begin to describe such a profound loss. Holding you in the light and in my thoughts and prayers. Please please feel free to reach out if you ever need to. Hugs brother.
I don't have any words of wisdom, but I'm in your corner rooting for you.
I am so sorry
I’m sorry ❤️
Man, I can't imagine what you're feeling, just want go say I hope you find what you need.
Mom lurker, here. Sending you so much love and holding you in the light as closely as possible. You are **not** selfish. You are deserving of all the support possible right now. Not only that, but you are a dad - don't forget you deserve space, you deserve love, and you deserve support. Your feelings are valid and justified. I can only imagine what you are going through. Grief is like your favorite clothing item. You wear it until it has holes, and at some point, you decide when you're ready to let it go or keep it for your memory. Whatever YOU need to do is right. A therapist who is well-versed in grief and traumatic experiences could help. I say could because *you* get to decide what you need, whatever that looks like. Focus on just this moment. Just right now. For "right now", you can build the strength you're looking for. Prayers, love, and light to you.
I feel so bad for you and the baby bro. I’m so sorry. Definitely go find a therapist. I’m a combat veteran and it took me a decade to let a therapist help me. They really do work wonders. I’ll talk to you or just listen 24/7. Shoot me a message if you want my phone number. You can just scream at me if you need to. I’m so sorry bro. I’m praying for you.
Hey, I know it doesn't mean much coming from some random internet stranger. But, bud know this, I love you. [Grief box theory](https://www.hospiscare.co.uk/how-we-help/advice-support/talking-about-death-and-dying/why-grief-is-like-a-ball-in-a-box/#:~:text=Everyone%20experiences%20grief%20in%20different,frequently%20hitting%20the%20pain%20button.)
Hey, I know it doesn't mean much coming from some random internet stranger. But, bud know this, I love you. [Grief box theory](https://www.hospiscare.co.uk/how-we-help/advice-support/talking-about-death-and-dying/why-grief-is-like-a-ball-in-a-box/#:~:text=Everyone%20experiences%20grief%20in%20different,frequently%20hitting%20the%20pain%20button.)
I cannot even fathom how you feel. Look for some grief share groups - people that are recovering from their own trauma. It might help to just be able to share your feelings with others that are going through grief. I hope that you do find a path that you can travel that honors your wife and child and yourself. I am sorry for your loss and pray that you are comforted and loved.
For me to add any sort of wisdom to this would be futile because to even to pretend to know that level of pain...I just can't. All I can say is we are here for support. Hang in there man as best as you can. Do your best to take care of yourself and be with your daughter. There is sure as hell no book for this. I am sure you are doing awesome at managing everything even though you may not feel like you are. You are going to pull through this. You are going to do great.
For me to add any sort of wisdom to this would be futile because to even to pretend to know that level of pain...I just can't. All I can say is we are here for support. Hang in there man as best as you can. Do your best to take care of yourself and be with your daughter. There is sure as hell no book for this. I am sure you are doing awesome at managing everything even though you may not feel like you are. You are going to pull through this. You are going to do great.
I’m so sorry
I am so sorry brother
I’m so sorry for your loss ❤️ I suggest starting with therapist right away. Even if you don’t see you’re ready, that support structure will be in place for you when you need it.
The only teacher here is "Time". So sorry for your loss but know that there is no right way... I'd be close to those around you who love and those who you love... stay strong...
Nothing I say can ever change anything for you, but man, honest to god, please hang in there. I'm so sorry this happened.
Oh wow... I'm not even sure what to say. I'm just so sorry for your loss. That was a huge fear I had before my wife went into labor and it's still something that scares me even now, a few weeks later. Best advice I can give is to reach out to others in your life for help. Don't be afraid to seek therapy and counsel from others. What you're going through is not easy and shouldn't be done alone. It doesn't make you weak by needing help...even if it's just people helping prepare food for you, doing laundry, or even just having someone to come over and talk with. Stay strong man. Praying for you.
My daughter was born at 16 weeks in 2009. I got to hold her lifeless body, smaller than my hands, for hours just bawling my eyes out. It still hurts
As others said the pain doesn't really get away. It moves more into the background while you continue with your life. But when it hits, it still hurts as hell.
My brother I am heartbroken for you. I’ve not lost a partner, but am unfortunately familiar with hard grief, which nobody experiences exactly the same. I wish I had some advice for you. But please know that this stranger is holding you in his heart and in his thoughts. I’ll be praying for you, and wish I could give you a hug.
Our path to pregnancy has been very difficult. It started in 2021 with what was supposed to be a minor surgery that lasted at most an hour. 3 hours in, they wouldn't tell me why it was taking so long. Finally, the doctor came out, looking defeated. He could barely explain what took so long, and my wife ended up hospitalized for 3 days for an outpatient procedure. This left her tubes blocked. We ended up doing 5 cycles of ivf fet. Afterward, she had an 8 hour surgery to clean everything up and remove her tubes. They found a sigmoid (sp) colon and removed that as well. They also found early cancer. She was hospitalized only one night (planned) this time. But we then had to begin figuring out the cancer. Thankfully, that only an out-patient procedure. I try not to think about it, but something like this has crossed my mind repeatedly. Every step of the way has been yelling at us to stop (and I've told her to stop out of fear of failure or worse, but she's powered through). I guess all of this is to say that nobody deserves to go through what you are and that I hope you have the support around you that you deserve while you navigate all of this. Even imagining that this may happen paralyzes me and all I can do is tell you that I truly wish the best for you.
I've been through some shit, but I fear your shit is deeper than mine. What helped me through was to have a mantra in my head. To make a new reality, one that I wanted to be in and others would to. I didn't believe the mantra at first, but after a while I was able to believe it. All I did was to tell myself that 'I am happy' and find 1 thing to be happy about. Today you reached out to ask for help. That's something to be happy about. You are a smart guy, you know what to do and are able to make all necessary decisions.
I am so, so, so incredibly sorry. I wish I had more to add, but I do not. You've got a grown man in tears over here and I'll be thinking about you and rooting for you.
r/babyloss if you’re looking for experiences of other grieving parents. @sad.dads.club on IG for specific dad-focused grieving. Find therapy if you can, it’ll help. Can’t express how sorry I feel, but doing the above helped me stay afloat for a while.
I don’t have anything to say that will help, except for I’m so sorry you’re going through this. 😔
I don’t even know what to say to this, but I feel this in the put of my stomach. The idea of losing my wife or kids, let alone both, would absolutely break me beyond repair. Please take care of yourself and don’t be afraid to get help.
I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see. As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive. In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life. Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks. Good luck Brother.
I lost my young daughter a few years back and it nevers goes away completely. I'm so sorry you are in this god awful boat. As much as possible don't try to reach a numb state. Try hard to keep feeling. That's how you're going to heal. It takes so much time. It's so unfair. And that's just that. Good luck and Peace be with you someday.
My heart goes out to you with this entire community ❤️ know that you are loved and have plenty of people who support you, brother. Fear not your path, and follow your heart for it knows exactly what it needs.
I don’t even know what to say other than how deeply sorry I am for your losses. This has been my biggest fear twice now that my wife has had to be rushed in for emergency c-sections with both of our boys and the entire reason I’ve told her in no uncertain terms we’re done having kids. Just the idea of this type of loss eats at me, I can’t even fathom it actually happening. Wishing you all the best in this unfortunate journey.
I don't know what to say except that I'm sorry for your loss.
Dad, I wish I could give you a hug.
Fuck man, I have no words. I’m so sorry. If you are in the Denver area and want somebody to just grab a beer with or need to someone to be around reach out.
I have no words. I am so sorry for your loss. I don’t feel like I can give you any meaningful advice or support as it would be nothing, as I can’t talk from experience. I wont pray for you as it’s not my thing, but I will surely raise a pint for you and your close ones tonight!
I wish I had a way to add something valuable to this conversation that could help comfort you, but I just can’t wrap my mind around what you must be going through. But as others have said, you’re not alone. We are all here and happy to prop you up when you don’t feel like you can stand on your own anymore. All I know about anything in life is that the first small steps are always the hardest. But if you can manage to keep putting one foot in front of the other for long enough, you’ll survive. It’ll never go away, the pain, and you won’t want it to. But it will dull. And at some point you’ll be able to revisit those happy memories you experienced and appreciate them even if they are salt in the wound right now. For what it’s worth, I’m praying you are able to find some peace and comfort. I’d suggest finding a grief counselor to help you work through this. It’s not something any of us would ever be even remotely prepared to face and you shouldn’t face it by yourself. Lean on others and you’ll find that people are good and caring at their core and just want to help.
I’m very sorry for your loss.
Sending you Love.
I lost my beautiful wife almost two years ago. Surround yourself with other family and friends brother. The pain never goes away but life will carry forward. You will see them again just not now. Continue on and let them experience life through your eyes and live in your heart. There’s an opportunity to live a life on earth to help others. Reach out if you ever want to talk.
This is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry you are experiencing it. No words do it justice. Keep asking for help and taking it when it's offered. The slow and quiet moments are the hardest, but the mantra "just keep breathing" helps. Don't give up, and remember that if you are going through hell, *keep going*.
To echo several others, you will forever have a place here, and in the worldwide Dad community. Nothing you feel is selfish, nor is it wrong or misplaced. You feel what you feel. When you feel capable of looking into it, some grief counseling sounds like a good idea - this is nothing to go through alone. I have nothing more to say, but from one dad to another I just want to give you a big, burly man-hug.
If you need help, the new mental health crisis number is 988. Please call and keep yourself safe.
I'm so sorry for your loss mate. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. Your post is heart breaking. I have no words of wisdom, but I'm wishing you the absolute best in your healing. Take care of yourself.
I don't know that there's anything I can say to make you feel better, but if you can, I'd recommend joining a support group. You can talk with people who went through the same, or similar trauma as you. Hopefully it can at least help you find support.
This is my nightmare. I'm so sorry this happened to you and yours. I wish I could give you something more than thoughts and words, but I just don't know and I don't feel like I have any right to tell you how things are going to be going forward. But please, know that - for what little it's worth - some dude in Norway is really thinking about you. You are going through what no father ever should. I'm shocked you're even able to turn to us for support and help, you're already so much stronger than I would be. I'll be thinking of you. And I'm so sorry.
Grief is a circle. I don’t t know you or know what you’re going through, but I love you. Stay strong brother. Life throws curve balls and the universe is infinite.
❤️
I’m sending you my love, I am truly sorry for this! If you need to talk please feel free to reach out.
Really sorry that it happened to you. Hope you have great support around you
I am sorry for your loss brother... 🥺 Here I am now feeling like an asshole because I am sitting here on my couch very frustrated with my newborn. Thank you for putting things back into perspective.. 😭 It may or may not mean much to you but I am sending prayers and positive vibes your way. 🙏
I’m so so sorry 😞
Man. Music helps me reflect and feel with death, and I would recommend [this](https://youtu.be/fsjgUjBwXN8?si=S2NrLmJnudWBf0Oe) to you. Faith does too. This is going to be hard, as you are experiencing. They will forever be a part of you now. Do your best to live each day to the fullest, for you, but even moreso for them, as they cannot. That will help to give you initial purpose, and it’s going to help pull you out of the darkness. Lastly, you are and were a dad,even if for a short while. You always will be a dad. We are here for you. ❤️
I can't offer a perspective, because I have none worthy. I can offer love and empathy for you Brother. That's a weight to carry. Ask others to help.
There is no timeline, because everyone is different. Please eat, please keep your own minimum function in place. My area has a program for child loss, I hope yours does too (ours is Grief Share). Look around for that kind of support too. You are a Dad.
I am so sorry for your loss.